Worst day ever
"The world is quickly bored by the recital of misfortune, and willing avoids the sight of distress."
W. Somerset Maugham
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To think today had started out so good. That I, Cloudy Sky, would go from top of the world in happiness into the worst possible state I had ever seen yet. Here I talk to Princess Luna, with a broken spear and a bucket over one hoof as well as covered in things that come out of ponies but blood. But I am getting ahead of myself now. Let’s start back at the beginning.
I am a Pegasus originally born in from Clouds Dale. My Dad a dark blue vet of a guard. With my mother a Light green Pegasus who took care of directing the winds. I myself was a dark grey Stallion of a Pegasus with a cutie-mark of a cloud. Kind of typical when it seems your name defines your cutie-mark later in life around here. Not that we are allowed to tell the foals that of course. I had joined the guard when I had become of age on the insistence of my Father and family tradition. My Dad's heritage was a long line of Guards throughout the generations and I was eager to follow suit of my father’s work.
I had spent three years in training, and two on duty for a total of five years before I became part of the royal guard. Which I have spent exactly three days ten hours and forty two minutes a part of before the day came. It was like any other Canterlot morning. Nobles snoozing away in their fluffy beds, the town quiet except for the clank of the metal shoes the guard wore as they patrolled the streets. I had woken up to the sound of the Five AM trumpet and Donned my ceremonial armor of the Royal Equestrian Guard (REG for short), and marched outside of the royal guard barracks to check on where I would be posted that day.
Today was to guard the third hallway up into towards the servant Quarters entrance. I was to oversee cleaning duty and make sure the Pegasus entrances were clean and safe. As ordered I flew to my post, and waited.
...
For four hours...Of just... Standing there.
When the servants in charge of cleaning the area, a mare Pegasus named Moon Chaser who was a friend of mine, having known her since Grade school. Beside her, to Moons' disgruntled face, was the jokester of a Unicorn named Light Whisper. Light Whisper was well known around the castle for being a prankster against the guards, not that anypony told me about that. So I merely watched the entrance while they cleaned the various bird droppings of birds who flew in and out of the castle, various Pegasus feathers and dust while I stood at duty in the standard guard sentry position the Guard was known for, Quietly I heard Whisper speak to Moon, "Hey, I heard these guards are trained to remain still like a statue until somepony tries breaking the law. How many bits you want to bet on whoever gets him to change that stance of his."
That's where my misfortune started. I followed training, not moving a muscle as they took turns trying to prod me, making funny faces, telling various jokes. I simply tuned them out however at this. Then they started using objects to try getting me out of my stance, they tried tickling me with a feather duster, pulling at my standard spear which didn't move, and even at one point giving me a beard made of cleaning soap bubbles. Then Moon had an Idea.
Understand that I and moon were something of an off couple between us; we did a lot of things together without making it official that we were going out. So she knew there was at least one guaranteed way for her to snap me out of it. She leaned close and whispered in my ear, "Won't you move just for little ol' me Sky?" she licked my ear. I couldn't help but blush. Backing away into a cleverly placed trap Whisper had placed a few seconds before. My left front hoof stamped into a bucket of water, crinkling along the edges as it conformed to my metal shoes shape and stuck there. I lifted my hoof in surprise, "Wha-" I had begun to say before my hind hoof skidded off to the side as it encountered a slippery surface it wasn't meant for. I staggered and tripped landing on my side bonking my head into the wall I had been standing by sending my head ringing as the helmet reverberated the vibration into my skull. I vaguely saw three of the same pony, whisper running away laughing in mirth saying out in his jolly voice, "You win this time Moon. Next time however you won't be so lucky!"
Moon worried over me, attempting to make sure he was alright. I shrugged her hooves off and tried taking the bucket off with his other front hoof. It didn't budge, I tried again putting more effort to it, it still didn’t budge, I tried taking the shoe off and it wouldn’t come off. My Hoof was bounded to the slightly distorted bucket apparently from stepping into it. I stood up and asked moon for assistance and neither of us working together could get it off. Seeing as there was only one option to do I bid her goodbye and went to see the royal armorer.
The royal Armorer was responsible for the creation and repair of the Armor the Royal guard wore. He was also the one who enchanted them to make the entire royal guard look alike when they were worn. On the way there however was Shining Armor who was still captain of the royal guards at the time intercepted me.
"Halt Guard," Shining stated as he looked my way, "There are no guards posted to patrol this hallway, explain yourself."
I raised my hoof saluting, sadly it was the one with a bucket, and the extra mass and the remainder of the soapy water hit me in the face, "Ow; Captain Shining Armor Sir, on the way to the Armorer to get this bucket off my hoof, Captain Shining Armor Sir."
Shining Armor looked at me with an odd expression, "How did that happen?"
"Sir, Prank from Whisper, Sir."
Shining armor sighed, "You’re the new guy huh? Whisper is known for causing some havoc among the guards. Though Celestia won’t fire him due to her like of having Prank wars in the past with him."
Shining armor and I were interrupted as another guard came running, "Shining armor sir, Robbery going down between Mane and second street Sir! Two Pegasus guards and an Earth pony Guard already at the scene sir but they request your assistance. The perpetrators are two Unicorns and a Minotaur."
"Guards on me! That means you too Bucket foot," shining armor shouted starting to gallop out the door with the guard and two other Unicorn Guards.
Sadly, I was forced to follow by air, bucket still covering a foot and spear in its holster waggling to and fro from behind my wing. We flew towards the intended destination which was a store called “Hooves R' us. For all your shoe needs" there was a pair of guard wagons set up in a V shape outside the front of the store, the guards who pulled them were couching behind the impromptu barricades spears drawn. More guards seemed to be arriving as well as security detail from other banks of the same name. Soon there was a circle of unicorn and Earth pony guards around the building and about fifteen Pegasus ponies in the air around it, Shining armor summoned magic to amplify his voice and shouted towards the building causing everypony near him to wince, Me since I was right next to him temporarily going deaf from it, "Come out with your hooves up! You’re surrounded by a platoon of guards! There is no Escape!"
An echoing voice responded back, "Just try tin foil filly."
In a burst of blinding light a Red Pegasus pony shot out of the building ramming into the side of the Wagon near shining armor landing sideways on it with all four hooves, before any of us could react an angry red minotaur with a cheap looking tie burst through the Bank wall and smashed through the western barricade with a single charge sending guards flying left and right with slams of his fists. I and three other Pegasus ponies at a barked command from Shining Armor and this is where Misfortune struck. As we brought our spears down on the Minotaur, he looked up changing the position of his horns and knocking my spear off course so instead it went skidding harmlessly off to the side.
I grinned sheepishly as the Minotaur simply stared at me before grabbing then throwing me away... Into a porta-potty... Tipping it over and covering my leg in Celestia forsaken rotting number two. If that wasn't bad enough my spear was broken from the impact halfway up the shaft as well. I lost consciousness after that, but when I came to I could vaguely hear Shining Armor barking commands out as a Pegasus, Unicorn, and Minotaur all of the same red coat color were bolting off into the distance. When I looked around all I could see was that guards lay everywhere, a majority of them groaning in pain or knocked unconscious. Shining Armor shouted out with his nose bleeding from what I suspected was a blow to the face towards his groaning guards, "Fleet Foot, Wing Tail, and Stone Wall go after them. Cloudy Sky, take Stone wall's post under Celestia's bedroom balcony on the double."
I sighed, no cleaning me off it would seem, and I picked up my broken spear and trotted off towards my new assignment. Bucket clinking noisily, Spear-head swaying to and fro. Left hind leg dripping of Luna doesn’t even want to know what. Nothing it would seem could possibly make it worse. That, of course, is where I am proven wrong yet again.
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My guard was uneventful until right before Celestias' daily bedtime that the guards have grown accustomed to her having. Apparently tonight of all nights however, would be the night she just had to eat a muffin that came by mail first before reading WHY whoever it was had sent it. As a result our beloved royal princess of the day heaved her royal stomachs’ contents over the edge of the balcony onto; you guessed it, me. I simply gave up caring at the amount of Filth on my body at that point. I didn't care that a worm was suddenly in my helmet that was covered in Celestia's wrenching stomach.
I grunted as another splash of Royal vomit hit me down the left side of my helmet. Waiting out the rest of my mercifully short shift from under the balcony to fly back towards the guards barracks to clean up Of course when I got there and was about to enter, a scroll appeared from my family. Curious, I grabbed the letter in my remaining clean front hoof that wasn't covered by bucket and opened it with a sharp shake of hoof. It read as follows to my disbelief,
Dear Cloudy Sky,
It is my sincerest regret to inform you that your mother has broken up with your father after a spat about the guards. While this doesn’t affect your role in the guard Directly we are sad to inform you that both parents have disowned you for the same argument.
Sincerely your Lawyer in hoof,
Greedy Pocket
"What." I had stated in disbelief as a second letter appeared and I tore it open reading it as well.
Dear Cloudy Sky,
It is my deepest regret to inform you that a family genetic trait passed on by your father’s side of the family will soon have crippling effects on your current style of life. This rare disease is called the Arachnobite and it will impede your eminent future strength and fitness for the guard for worse. If you wish to learn more please come visit me your doctor in Cloudsdale before it is too late to treat it.
Your not-creepy doctor
-Dr.Pedahare
"What?!" I shouted as yet another letter appeared this one in a formal blue envelope rather than a scroll and having a crescent moon seal of Princess Luna. Tiredly I pulled it out of its sealed state and read it aloud to myself as the other two letters.
Dear Sir Cloudy Sky,
We wish to speak to you immediately, Five seconds after you finish reading this a teleport spell will warp you to me.
-Princess Luna
"WHAT?!"
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Luna stood at attention blissfully unaware of Cloudy Sky's current appearance as she gathered the energy to teleport him, using the location of the sent letter to judge his location and nab him from one piece of space to another. It was harder than teleporting oneself but after a thousand years on the moon to practice teleporting random bits of food out of the Canterlot kitchens then later teleporting her older much larger form, Luna was confident it would be easy.
Her spell started up and she spotted a white poof in the distance from the guards’ barracks, a few seconds later another poof of white smoke went up in front of her and she unfolded her wings to the traditional royal Canterlot position. She opened her mouth to speak as the cloud dispersed only to stop, mouth agape, at the scene before her. As her brain processed the newfound information that the guard she had wanted to talk to had a bucket on his hoof as well as a green and brown smear of what looked like vomit on his head, Her nose registered the smells coming off Cloudy Sky's rear left leg and the stench of stomach acid. Gradually Luna noticed that the guard was staring at her with a sad look upon his face, he waited to be addressed of course and Luna, recovering from her momentary shock exclaimed, "What hast happened to thou Cloudy Sky?!"
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I paused, half way out of shame and the other out of embarrassment to be caught in this state by Princess Luna. I could see she wanted the response immediately, but I was at a loss for words. How would I explain the series of misfortunate events that had reduced my armor to this filth? I sighed, dictating a slight raise in curiosity from the slightly disgusted princess. The faster I was done and gone the better so I stated in the classic guard voice keeping back every inch of sarcasm as I could but with a slight edge escaping none the less, "I have had a bit of misfortune today my liege."
"Luna." The Princess stated disgust leaving her face entirely, from how her mouth was slightly parted she was breathing through her mouth now instead of her nose as not to smell the stank of Rancid vomit and waste more than half my body was covered in combined.
"What?" I asked my princess, I'd like to believe that my face was expressionless as was due for the royal guard but I would later hear elsewise that it was somewhat baffled.
"Call us Luna. If it bugs thou to be so informal use Princess Luna instead."
"Yes... Princess Luna."
"How pray tell did this all happen to thou?"
I stared at her, contemplating. I would find it nice to believe that somepony would want to hear my woes of the day, but then again Princess Luna hadn't summoned me here aware of this. It would be better for her to just get to the point rather than listen to my own tale of chance and coincidence. With that in mind I responded slowly and politely, "Permission to speak freely?"
"Granted." Luna said leaning forward but her legs unconsciously taking a step away. I chuckled to myself as it made her look closer and more interested but she was not actually any closer or farther. I replied in the same manner, "I'm afraid my story would bore you since it was a series of what seems like coincidences and being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
"We still wish to hear it." Luna stated taking a step forward and head leaning back into her normal stance, "So explain."
I sighed, there was no arguing with a princess. Particularly if one could send you to the moon and the other could just raid your mind in your own sleep. I started to explain my story to the princess, "To think today had started out so good..."
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The story ended half an hour later, A small puddle had formed under me from the various liquids coating myself and Luna had listened throughout the entire thing. I took in a deep breath and asked to her, "So why have you called me here Princess Luna?"
"Oh...um..." She began obviously having forgotten the reason she had summoned me here in the first place before remembering and levitating a letter towards me. I stared at it, then at the bucket that covered one of my front hooves. She grinned sheepishly and opened it, "While most of your day has sucked I wanted to see if you wanted to join the night guard in light of your past contributions of your prior post..."
"This would mean having a spell placed on me to shift my genetics and wings within a few days of crippling pain and effectively turn me into a, 'bat pony' as the locals call them. Right?"
Luna shook her head, "The bat pony thing isn't actually genetic modification, and it’s a spell like the guard armor. Why else haven't you ever seen bat ponies elsewhere?"
"What do you offer that the Royal guard doesn’t." I stated bluntly.
"Well for one you sleep during the day."
"And?" I said not impressed.
"Your contributions would make you an equal rank to that of shining armor after one month training?"
"And?"
"..."
"..."
"We offer dental." Luna said.
"Give me a bit to think about it," I shut my eyelids to roll them and then a letter poofed into existence bonking me on the head and rolling, unfurling onto the floor in front of me. It read as follows.
Dear Cloudy Sky.
In light of your recent failures as a guard today you have been reassigned to patrolling the slum districts of Canterlot.
Sincerely Shining armor
Well so much for second options, the slums were a death trap for a guard career, "Alright I will join the night guard..."
"Good," Luna stated, “Though I was joking about the enchantment, here drink this potion and you'll be turned into a guardian of the night, or a bat pony like my other forty nine guards."
"What." I stated. So much for cheating misfortune, Looks like I was in for more pain, I took the potion given to me between my hoof and bucket and chugged it down to the last drop careful not to get any of the green vile substances that had long since dried on me in it.
"well that wasn't so ba-" I stated before a massive pain hit me in the stomach proceeding into my groin and rear legs, "Argh!"
Tears were brought to my eyes but didn't spill as a messenger pony flew into the room and stated out, "Letter from Cloudsdale for a Mr. Cloudy Sky."
"H-here." I said between waves of pain.
The mail pony dropped off a black letter and flew off, colliding into several black clouds sending lightning to and fro on her way. Luna looked at me (I was now withering on the ground at this point) and asked, "Want us to read it out to thou since thou are... indisposed... at the moment?"
I nodded weakly, It couldn't be that bad after all this, right?
Luna opened the letter before her somewhat cheerful look turned five notches colder, I also felt the room temperature lower as well.
"Dear beloved son." Luna began, my eyes widened. Oh no, by Celestias' wing boner no, please let nothing bad have happened to my family.
"I am sad to inform you that the family pet Squawkers has passed away." Squawkers had been a pet in the family, one that constantly attacked me and brushed up to my parents. They could never see why I hated the bird but at least it wasn't something worse.
"Also," Luna stated and the feeling of dread creeped up on me, "The house has caught fire from a rogue lightning strike recently, while a majority of the house survived, your room was destroyed (this being also how Squawkers died), destroying your collection of..." Luna stopped. She looked up at me then back down at the letter, repeating the action a few times. "Princess Luna dolls..."
My face managed a blush despite the guard armor enchantments against such change. Why... Why did she have to include that in the letter. Now I must seem like a creepy stalker, it was true I thought Luna was the best pony, even as a foal and when she was called Nightmare Moon. She was badass as Nightmare moon, Adorable when she was our size for a brief while and... Assertively charming in her current state, what was not to love. I started to cry, partially from the sum of bad luck that had happened finally catching up with me and breaking down my morale to dust, Some from the intense pain of my bones altering slightly and the muscles of my wings changing radically. But really the sudden fear of what was going to happen.
Luna stared at the letter, reading it without speaking. My eyes shut wondering what else could possibly go wrong, I looked out the window briefly attempting to distract myself and saw two figures in the courtyard, smooching. One of them was Moon chaser. The other was Whisper. My eyes opened wide in shock. My mind literally became blank. There would be words I would state later to Moon chaser, mine on breaking up with the cheater, and hers on how horrid I became due to becoming a Bat pony (leather wings are kind of off putting in a majority of feather wings). But for now I was shell shocked even further. My luck today had been horrible. I looked up at my princess who was still determining what to say, might as well top this bad luck scenario off. I groaned before getting to my hooves. Wincing as I got up and looked at the letter, taking off my helmet in the process. The letter went on and on about various things about the family and even a note stating that I should try to pin after somepony.
I coughed and Luna's head snapped up staring at me. My voice caught in its throat but I forced myself to speak... No... Sing.
"My bad luck strikes me again,
once I was happy that was this morning.
Now I stand before a crush,
dirty, broken, and sworn into service.
My mane stinks of your sisters’ vomit,
A hoof covered in multitudes of waste.
A spear that would defend you broken,
And my Spirit shattered to the wind.
A secret love I never wanted to confess,
For fear of rejection that would cause unrest.
I stand before you after the fate's tests,
To confess love for you and your stunning night."
Luna stared at him, her face an expression a mask he continued on letting his heart speak, completely given up with everything resembling sane thinking. He knew he had no chance to wound the immortal princess yet it was all that was left to ruin tonight.
"I have loved you in secret,
Collecting mementos of you,
staring into the night and stars,
Wondering how faired thou.
The night that granted ponies’ safe slumber,
Never had as much life until you controlled it and set it right.
My love for you had at first started as a curiosity for the night,
Who rose it, and why. If Celestia represented the sun, who the moon?
It grew as I learned more about you,
then more so as I got to view,
during the summer sun celebration,
The night had never shone as it did until then.
I wish to know more, when you appeared that night,
I didn't fear you, no rather I supported,
The concept of that eternal painting is childishly appealing."
I stopped singing my heart calming down and I continued feeling a bit silly for singing that so far, "I went and watched flying high above to you, I bemoaned that you were defeated only to rejoice seconds later as you were cured of whatever had plagued you from the elements of harmony, secretly I watched for days to make sure nopony would attack you during your brief stay in Ponyville. Someponies came but I managed to shoo them away without drawing the guards’ attention back then." I chuckled slowly ignoring the deep pain still growing.
"To think, that this lead me to join the guards, and do odd jobs just to find out more about you. I am quite clear to call myself both a love struck fool and a Stalker. I already know that we could never be together due to the Social class and age differences. Even when you looked younger than I was, I knew you were over a thousand at least by the time you came back from the moon banishment. A lower class pony with a crush on the princess, ha, I never would have a chance... I understand if you don't want a crazy stalker on your guard, infact. I wouldn't mind if you had Princess Celestia banish me to the moon at this point. I am a fool." I sighed resigning myself to my fate.
"No." Luna stated.
"What?"
"You are not a fool." Princess Luna stated, "You are not 'out of my league." I noticed she stopped speaking in the royal 'we', "Social class and age doesn’t matter unless it is a Foal to an adult which is illegal for well-known reasons. Just because I am a Princess doesn’t mean that your to beneath me to get mine affections. "
"What...are you saying..." was luck on my side for once today? No bucking way.
"I am saying... that you’re going to be on the personal guard and that we are going to get to know each other better before rejection or acceptation. You have a wonderful singing voice by the way."
"What?! are you serious?" I winced as the pain escalated and my chest armor forced itself free.
Luna winced as the enchantment fell off and an assortment of feathers fell off of me leaving my wings looking like a half plucked rooster or a tarred and moderately feathered bat, "Yes I am serious Sir Cloudy Sky."
I was at a loss of words, mostly from the pain but a good portion also to not being outright rejected, "Well...L-Luna... alright... O-once... Finish this...Transformation... I will report in for duty." I attempted to finish with a salute but groaned as yet reformed muscles spasms occurred from the motion and I fell over unconscious, in pain, but grinning.
Maybe today had not been such a bad day after all.