Alright, Dash, here's your story back. It needs a bit of work, to say the least. I've tried to point out all the major issues. I didn't even bother to mark all the spelling and grammar errors (I used up a whole inkwell just on the other comments), so you'll definitely want to get somebody else to go through and look for those. And if you do, you might want to warn them about the content before giving it to them. The whole locker room thing caught me off guard.
Once there was an awesome pegasus pony. Her name was Aurora Blast and she was blue like the sky but not quite that light and her mane was very colorful. She was a mare who was the fasted pony ever and she was really awesome because she was so fast. She was so fast adn awesome that the Wonderbolts herd about her!
Okay, Rainbow Dash, you might want to make at least something of an attempt to pretend that this character isn't you. As is, Aurora is a pretty transparent self-insert. You don't describe her personality in any way other than saying she's awesome. If you want the readers to care about her, you have to actually give her a personality. Not to mention that you can't just say "she's awesome", you have to show her being awesome. Also, you misspelled "fastest", "and", and "heard".
They sent her a letter that said "Dear Aurora Blast. Come to the Wonderbolts Academy so you can show us how awesome you are and maybe you can join the Wonderbolts". So she did. She went to the Wonderbolts Academy and Spitfire was there.
I don't even follow the Wonderbolts and I know that the selection process doesn't work that way. You have to apply for it. Like with Aurora, Spitfire's personality is nonexistent as well.
Spitfire gave Aurora the Wonderbolt Trainee Uniform and told her to get in the Dizzitron. "Put it at Maximum Speed!" said Aurora. "Okay" said Spitfire. The Dizzitron started up and went like, ridiculously fast. "RELEASE" said Spitfire, loudly. The Dizzitron released Aurora and she wasn't even dizzy. She immediately leveled off and landed. "Four seconds? That's an Academy Record." Spitfire said.
Okay, it's good that you're actually showing Aurora doing something impressive, as it backs up your prior claim that she was awesome. However, this entire scene has almost no detail. There's no conflict here; we have no idea what Aurora's motivation is other than continuing to be awesome. It's kinda boring. Also, when a new speaker starts talking, you should make it a new paragraph.
All week Aurora was at the academy and she got the fastest time at everything except the things that weren't timed, like cloud busting. She set a lot of academy records. At the end of the week, Spitfire gathered all of the Wonderbolts together to watch Aurora do her Signature Trick the Cosmic Explosion.
Really? There's like no subtlety here at all. This is obviously you. You aren't even trying to mask it. I get that living your fantasies vicariously through literature can make for a good story, but this isn't. There isn't a story, it's just your self-insert doing awesome things.
Spitfire and Fleetfoot were there, and also Soarin. Soarin was very handsome and Aurora really really liked his mane. Soarin is very sexy. Aurora thought.
Rainbow Dash, this had better not be going where I think it's going.
After showing of her sweat moves that the Wonderbolts loved, Aurora went back to the locker room to shower. She was thinking about Soarin and how sexy he was. As she showered she noticed that the water was hitting her hoo-haa and it felt really good.
This is that kind of story, isn't it? You know, you could have warned me before springing it on me. Also, "hoo-haa"? Really? If you're going to use vernacular, there are far more appropriate terms to use. In fact, in the library's "adult" section there's the History of Sexuality in Language which has quite the interesting glossary of terms. Also it's "showing off her sweet moves" not "showing of her sweat moves".
She thought about Soarin some more and started rubbing it. She imagined that he was the one touching her special place and it made her feel even better. She started rubbing harder and thought about what his dong would be like.
Okay, I know for a fact that you masturbate on a fairly regular basis (don't think I don't hear you going at it in the train bathroom when we go on overnight trips), but this mental image is just awkward. It doesn't help that Aurora is obviously YOU.
It's probably really big. she thought. It would feel really good if he stuck it in me. She rubbed herself some more and said his name as she was thinking of him. "Soarin!" she said as she touched herself.
Okay, now I know this is a self-insert story.
"Hello. he said. She looked up and he was standing right there! "Oh." she said. "Were you touching yourself and saying my name?" he said. "Um. Maybe." she answered. "Well, that is awkward." he said. "Yes it is." she said. "Does this mean that you want to have sex with me?" he said.
You really need to start indenting the paragraphs after new speakers. This is incredibly difficult to read. Also you might want to at least attempt to make Soarin' something other than a cardboard cutout for your self-insert to have sex with.
She didn't want to answer, but she did anyway.
Okay, this is actually good. It shows Aurora actually showing a bit of character in that she's embarrassed about being caught. It's not much, but it's a step in the right direction.
"I guess so. You are pretty good looking." "You are too. We should have sex and then eat some pie." "Okay!" she said happily.
Wow, that went well. But seriously, there's absolutely zero tension here. At least make it a bit ambiguous whether his reaction is positive or negative. This is just too sudden. There's no indication that they've even interacted before this. It's a bit of a jump from having never talked to "hey, let's have sex". I do like the pie thing though, it gives Soarin' a bit of actual character.
She turned around and lifted her tail up so he could see her cooter. "You have a very nice hole." he said.
I...I'm not even sure what to say about this. "You have a very nice hole"? Really?
Then he said "If we're going to have sex, we should go back to my Place because if we have sex here Spitfire might see us and then we would get in trouble." "Okay, let's go back to your Place." Aurora said.
Okay, yeah, this whole thing moves way too fast. I'd advise at the very least adding a scene where Aurora and Soarin have a real conversation before they go off to bang. It would give both of them some much needed characterization as well as keep things from proceeding so quickly. So far the story feels impossibly rushed. Also, I'm not sure why you insist on capitalizing Place. You don't need to do that.
They went back to Soarins Place. It was really nice and smelled good. "Do you want to have sex or eat pie first?" Soarin said.
Okay, it's good that you have that joke here. You need a bit more description than "it was really nice and smelled good" though. Maybe describe the smell. Probably smells like pie, right?
"I think we should have sex." Aurora said. They went into Soarins bedroom and got on the bed.
They get right to the point, don't they? Well, I guess this kinda the point of this story so far, so I guess there's no point beating around the bush.
Aurora layed on the bed and spread her legs so Soarin could see her slit. "Nice view." Soarin said. They laughed.
Okay, that's kind of a lame joke, but it does sound like something he would say.
Because Aurora was really hot, Soarin got a boner. It was enormous! It was as big as one of his legs. I was right. It's really big! Aurora thought. She wanted him to have sex with her with it because it was so big, so she knew it would feel really good.
I'd have to look up an anatomy book to verify it, but I'm reasonably sure that a penis that size is an anatomical impossibility. In addition, the idea that a large penis equates to better sex is a myth. In fact, an overlarge member can actually cause pain. The thing that really determines how pleasurable intercourse is is how well the stallion uses it. Not that I know from personal experience or anything.
"Are you ready?" Soarin said. "Yes." Aurora said. "Okay, I'm putting it in." He started to put his dong into her special place. As soon as the tip went in, she came. "AAHHH! I just came!" She said.
Okay, it might have happen at some point in history, but a mare having an orgasm immediately upon penetration is highly unlikely unless they have some sort of hypersensitivity disorder.
"That was fast. Maybe you can come again." He kept putting his dong into her crotch, and even though she had just came it felt really good. He started humping, and that felt even better. I'm having sex with Soarin! This is great! she thought. Then Soarin said "I'm about to cum!" "Me too!" Aurora said. They both came at the same time. "I'm coming!" They both said.
Simultaneous orgasms are actually quite rare. It's not at all uncommon for one of the copulaters to experience an orgasm before the other. Granted, this is obviously an idealized account, so we can just go with it.
Soarin took his dong out. He had cum a whole lot. There was so much it couldn't all fit in Aurora's Area, and it came out of her and made a big puddle on the floor.
Actually, when a stallion ejaculates, there's nowhere near enough semen to make a puddle. I'm not sure of the precise amount, but I don't think it approaches the amount that you have in mind.
"That felt really good." he said. "Yeah, it did." said Aurora. "Let's do it again." said Soarin. "Okay, you can put your dong in my butt this time." Aurora said.
You realize that stallions can't ejaculate on command, right? They need a cooldown period after ejaculating.
"Okay. But I should probably put some lube on it first."
This is good attention to detail. Engaging in anal sex without proper lubrication can be painful. Again, I don't know from personal experience. I just read a lot.
He went into the other room, and then came back. "I don't think I have any lube," he said. "That's okay. We can use this bottle of honey." Aurora said. She put it on his dong and he put it into her butt.
No. No no no. No no no no nononononono. You do not use HONEY for lube. Honey is not smooth or slippery! It's sticky. If anything it exacerbates the problem. Not to mention that putting in on your genitals could result in having a really nasty infection. If you don't have lube, either go back to vaginal sex, or go down to the store and buy some.
That felt really good too, because his dong was really big. "I'm coming!" Aurora said as she came. "I'm coming too!" Soarin' said. He came too, and there was a lot of it. "How about one more time?" Aurora said. "Okay." said Soarin.
I know Soarin has impressive stamina, but three times in a row is just ridiculous.
He put his dong back in her slit again and they had sex another time and it was awesome.
And then Aurora had to go to the hospital because she's doubly infected by the honey and the POOP on Soarin's penis. You do realize that the primary purpose of the anus is to take a dump, right? I don't care how well you clean, if you have anal sex, you're going to have crap on your dick. The LAST thing you want to do is take that poo-encrusted dick and put it back in the vagina. At least have him wipe it off first or something.
"Make sure you don't tell Spitfire about this." Soarin said when they were done. "Don't worry I won't" said Aurora. Soarin laughed and said "Good. Now how about that pie?"
That's a nice joke, I guess. Now would be the time to note that this story completely ignores the implications of what this could mean for Aurora. If she makes it into the Wonderbolts and someone finds out that she had sex with Soarin, it could lead them to question whether she earned or way in, or bribed her way in with sex.
For the most part, this story needs some real work. The "plot", if it can be called that, is obviously just a set up for the sex, but even that is covered so quickly that it's utterly unsatisfying. If you're going to write a story about sex, there needs to be more description of the act than "they did it". You need to say how it felt, and why it was so enjoyable for them. There needs to be more buildup. Some foreplay, maybe a bit of oral beforehand or something to get things started. Then you can work your way up to the actual sex and make it a lot more rewarding. That's what I want to see. I mean, well, okay, not what I want to see, but what your readers would want. They need to really be invested in what's happening so they can appreciate the sexual elements of the work. There needs to be a reason that the characters are having sex beyond "this is porn, so here we go". Even if you do that, you still need to describe the sensations a bit more.
Your best bet at learning how to do that is to maybe look up some similar erotica and use it as a basis for your own stories. The library actually has quite a selection of such literature. I could even pick out some of my... uh... some books that would assist you.
Finally, INDENT WHEN YOU SWITCH TO A NEW SPEAKER and occasionally use a dialogue tag other than "said". It's kind of unreadable in its current form. Hopefully these comments will be helpful. In the meantime, I have to go read something more respectable so I can get the image of Soarin fucking you with a freakishly large penis out of my head. One would think it would be arousing, but it's honestly just kind of weird. Seriously I need to go visit Fluttershy and drown myself in kittens or something. Eaugh.
Alright, Rarity, here you go. The main thing you should note at this point is that you have a lot of clunky, overly long sentences, and your vocabulary is needlessly obtuse. The characterization and images are good, but rather overwrought. I didn't get through the whole thing. I think we need to talk a bit before I go into any more detail. Drop by the library sometime.
The lustrous lunar orb spilled its resplendent beams upon the balustrade in the manner of a generous decanter pouring a torrent of most decadent silver ambrosia into an aureate chalice worthy of being borne by that most illustrious monarch, Princess Platinum, who at the present occasion stood in all her resplendence, with most stately bearing befitting a pony of her station, upon the very mezzanine which the Great Lamp of the Night illuminated with its brilliant and most austere glow, bathing the stately mare in its frosty phosphorescence and inducing glisters and glimmers in each of the many well-polished ornaments of her namesake material which adorned and only served to enhance her already beauteous form.
Um, wow. Okay. First of all, this whole chunk is just one absurdly long sentence, which really needs to be broken down into shorter ones. Or better yet, you could just pare this one down to something imaginable, because there's an enormous amount of unnecessary detail here. You use a full paragraph to essentially say that Princess Platinum is standing on the balcony in the moonlight. I'm all for scene-setting and describing what a character looks like, but you've crammed so much of that into this sentence that it's nearly impossible to follow. The phrases don't really fit together well, and you keep changing the subject of the sentence. The other problem is word choice. A varied vocabulary is certainly an asset to any author, but here it sounds like you've just pulled out a thesaurus and plugged in random words without understanding what they really mean. There's no point in using a phrase like "lustrous lunar orb" when "Moon" works perfectly fine. You need to eliminate redundancies and not use needlessly obscure words when simpler ones work. Using one occasionally is fine, but overusing them only makes it hard on the reader.
Also, the endless descriptions of how beautiful Princess Platinum is are a bit much. Given you played her in the Hearth's Warming Eve play, it comes across as a bit narcissistic. Maybe that's not the case, but still you might want to cut all the description of what she looks like. It's a bit much. Let's skip ahead to when something actually happens.
A passing zephyr daintily brushed the tip of her nose like the touch of a flower petal against the nostrils of one stopping at the roadside to partake in the delectable scent of a delicate blossom that had sprouted from between the crags, bearing rather than the grassy odor of a rose or daisy, a scrumptious fragrance no doubt brought from the scullery on the far side of the castle, beyond the battlements and keep, savory herbs amalgated in the wind with the sweetest of sugars. Even as the immaculate though desultory medley of flavours through happenstance discovered a path to her nostrils, the piquant bouquet failed to penetrate her innermost meditation. It bounced like a foal's slingshot pellet against the armor of her cognizance, clattering uselessly to the ground, for items of far greater import fought against and defeated those thoughts that were immaterial.
I'm not sure why you went to so much trouble to describe the scent only to then emphasize how unimportant it is. There isn't much reason for this entire section to exist, as it doesn't affect anything that comes after it. Also, you should reign back the metaphors a bit. They can add flavor to a story, but many of the ones you use here feel forced.
Thusly were her thoughts focused like like through a lens upon that singular thought which was of greatest meaning to her, that one shining idea whose brightness split the shadows like a torch held aloft in the winter night, when the sky's brightness is cloaked by thunderheads... It burned with the heat of a thousand fires, threatening to engulf all else within its tongues of flame, which devoured all they touch, the conflagration taking as fuel all the inconsequentialities that pullulated in the creases of her brain, vying for her expansive, though limited attention.... But so important was her singular devotion and desire that naught else merited even the least sliver of a degree of attention.
Okay, you go for way too long here. Nothing actually happens here. You just talk about how important this one thought is, but you never say what it is. Not sure why you're spending so long on it. I'm just going to skip ahead a bit, to when things actually start happening.
Suddenly, without any warning, the cadance of a hoofstep echoed from the aperture into the interior room in which she dwelled, shattering the lonely silence like a brick cast through a ornate stained glass window, albeit a window displaying the ignominous image of isolation, of a monarch behind walls like mountains with no pass with which any pony, whether peers, superiors, or inferiors could pass. The noise, while itself small, soft, and sharp, reverberated from wall to wall, erupting in a crescendo, a roar that shatters the walls of loneliness that circumstance had built around her, every stone crashing to the ground like meteors, cratering the cold earth.
First of all, you're piling on the metaphors rather thick again. For instance, in the first sentence in this paragraph, you're doubling up; you have both the image of the stained glass window, and within that the image of mountainous walls. Don't get me wrong, the images are very evocative (the "walls like mountains with no pass" is really quite nice), but you're going a bit overboard. Particular when you extend one of the metaphors (the walls) into the next sentence, but not the other. And then you introduce the simile of meteors in that sentence. It's all a bit much, and it isn't helped by the overly ornate dialogue. Although you do have some nice phrases in here. The alliteration of "small, soft and sharp," is quite a good description, but again is thrown in with so many other literary devices that it nearly gets lost. Also, "Cadance" is only spelled that way when you're referring to the Princess. Otherwise it should be spelled "cadence", with an e.
The sovereign oscillated, longing to confirm the assumption that had catapulted into her perception, each bauble affixed to her regalia shifting as she turned, tinkling merrily like a thousand bells, their happy song disclosing the joy that welled up within her at the mere feasibility that her beloved approached.
"Oscillated" makes Princess Platinum sound like a fan. Also, you could probably lose the second phrase of the sentence, it doesn't doesn't add much. The rest of it is pretty good, aside from the overly obscure vocabulary.
Her ocular spheres alighted on the approaching habitue and she with great abundant felicity determined that her visitant was, indeed, the pony whose company she had so solely sought to fight back the encroaching perception of utter desolation that had pressed its cold shoe upon her throat to choke her. Her tongue carved the blissful sounds from the air and threw them from her mouth to the anticipating ears of the lavender unicorn who prostrated herself before the jubilant monarch.
"O most beautiful Princess Platinum!" the bowed unicorn gasped. "I have made my return."
"Rise, Clover the Clever!" the regal princess intoned, "Your coming has brought unto me more happiness than any other news, no matter how favorable it may be!" She extended a bedazzled hoof, sweeping back the crude burlap capuche that hid the face of her most steadfast attendant. "If only I could enjoy your company from the time that you and your compatriots tow the sun into the sky til the time you cast it back down, and even then into the darkness I'd have you accompany me."
Huh, that's an interesting turn. I would have thought that you'd have gone for a handsome prince or perhaps have her fall for a particularly dashing gardener or something. Still, you're avoiding cliche here, so that's a point in your favor. On the other hand, "Ocular spheres". Really? Was "eyes" too lowbrow or something? And again, you're really going overboard with the imagery. Evocative images are great, but you don't want to go too far. Also, don't put so much effort into avoiding names in the narrative. You don't need to refer to them as "the regal princess" or "the lavender unicorn" all the time.
The purple-maned attendant with great reluctance rose, though she knew her liege spoke with full sincerity, and that every locution her mouth fashioned bore the full weight of her desire for veracity. "Dearest Princess," she declared, "My thought was only to answer the summons with which you had served me, for that is the role I am set to play in this performance called Life. I am ever your drudge, obsequious and docile, seeking only to perform the duties that befit my station."
I feel compelled to point out that your extremely submissive characterization of Clover the Clever is entirely unsupported by any historical record. In fact, all the historical accounts of Clover the Clever seem to imply that while she was certainly loyal to Princess Platinum, she was not afraid to be critical or downright sarcastic in their interactions. In fact, the epithet "the Clever" is believed to have originated not as a result of Clover's intelligence (though she was, in fact, very intelligent), but due to her many smart-alec remarks directed at the Princess. But I suppose this is historical fiction, so I suppose I'll just have to live with the inaccuracies.
"While servile and submissive you may be," the ivory-coloured unicorn proclaimed, "you possess a magnitude of value to me of which you are fully unaware. As a matter of fact, the hour is at hoof in which I must divulge a secret that I have hidden deep within me, so close to my heart that every beat trembles it. Too many days I have enshrined the actuality of my own feelings beneath the veneer of my royal countenance and now the time is nigh when I must unearth that fervor."
"What is it that you are saying, my princess!?" the royal aide interrogated, with hesitation. "What obscure truth could you have withheld from me in all the years of our collusion, attending to the affairs of our country?"
"It is fully true that you are my aide and my abettor, my accomplice and my adjutant. No words my mouth could form hold any hope of expressing the necessity of the service you have rendered to me. But you are not only a helper and a coadjutor; saying only that and no more is an audacious and abominable lie, for it does no justice to the full esteem in which I hold you. You are not merely my companion-" The regal princess' alabaster cheeks blossomed crimson as the words tumbled from her lips, glowing so bright that they nearly seemed to illuminate the exquisite contours of the violent unicorn's features. "You are truly a portion of my heart, cut out from me before our births, when we were still naught but aether flowing through the void of time-not-yet-come, and gifted to you so that I might reclaim it, and your whole heart with the allotment of mine own. There is warmth in your touch which banishes the most frigid drafts of winter's gales, a heat which melts a full mountain range of ice that this lonely lofty life has thrust up around me. Though I dare not speak aloud for fear of usurpers would cast me from the mountaintops so that I might plummet to the deepest depths of the valleys touching no ground but the stone-hard frozen outcroppings that might beat the life from me, I could nary keep this truth to myself only any longer, that I would share not only my heart with you, but my all. I would allocate to you my wealth, every last bit poured into your coffers if it would win you, my name, if only my kin would not strive to reclaim it I would cast it aside for yours, and my body and my bed, that our hearts might beat as one, and our blood mingle in a singular personhood that could never be torn asunder though every pony, griffon, dragon, and donkey seek its destruction!"
The sentiment here is actually rather touching, although much of the emotion is lost in the unnecessarily complicated sentence structure and word choice. It doesn't help that many of the metaphors here (you are a piece of my heart, I would give you anything, etc.) are all rather common in romantic literature to the point of being a bit cliche. The overwrought imagery actually may work in your favor in that regard, as it spices up the story a bit. Still, there's a lot of filler here. There are quite a few redundancies. For example, the first sentence of the final paragraph here has some nice alliteration, but listing four separate synonyms for "servant" is overdoing it.
That said, I like the way the plot is going. The whole "forbidden love" angle is rather common, but that's because there's a lot that can be done with that type of situation. The historical background actually lends itself quite well to the premise. Not only were romantic relationships between royalty and commoners looked down upon due to the discrepancy in upbringing, but a relationship between two mares would have been problematic. Princess Platinum would have been expected to produce an heir to carry on the family line. At that point in history, none of the spells allowing for two mares to have foals had been created, so if she had gotten into an exclusive relationship with another mare, it would have meant the end of the family line. Needless to say, the royal house of the unicorns would not have been happy about that. Granted, so long as she still had a stallion on the side to produce a foal, her family might have been willing to live with it (assuming that he was sufficiently noble), although even if Clover the Clever was a stallion, she was still not highborn enough in the nobility for the royal family to approve. So ultimately, it's quite accurate that such a relationship would have to be kept under wraps.
Of course, there's also the fact that historically, Princess Platinum wasn't exactly known for being... choosy about her numerous (male) suitors. Even today there's quite a debate among historians about who truly fathered her child; there are about a dozen historical figures who were confirmed to have...uh... been given access to her "royal chambers", and there are probably a lot more than that who didn't make it into the records. Of course, it doesn't preclude that she might have been bisexual, but the degree of emotional investment she seems to display in your story implies that she wouldn't really be into an open relationship. Not that it ultimately matters, as historically Clover spent quite a bit of time dealing with Princess Platinum's numerous daliances, which does lend an interesting dynamic to a possible relationship between them, albeit one quite different from the one you've imagined here. I suppose this can just be chalked up to artistic license.
"Truly, I am at a complete loss for words as to how to respond to this confession," the lavender unicorn rejoined. "No riposte comes to mind and neither does any conceivable verbiage to adequately convey the frenzied ardor that swirls within me! I cannot-"
Okay, this entire section of Clover repeatedly saying that she does't know how to respond is way too long. Five paragraphs is really pushing it. Let's just cut to the part where it turns out that she actually does know how she feels.
"What galls me most intensely is anything but the presence of this passion which you hold, but rather that such feelings should ever in an eternity be directed at one so wholly unworthy as myself, who is simply a servant of a most illustrious master!" quoth Clover with vigor. "It is completely unfathomable that your considerable affections would, like a leaf riding the wind of a gale, through pure happenstance fluttering and flittering on the air, come to rest upon my head?"
Putting aside the fact that historically, Clover was commonly known to believe that she was better equipped to lead the unicorns than Princess Platinum was, you're using way too many words to get your point across. Clover basically says "I'm not worthy of your attention", and you use a couple of paragraphs of dialogue (bordering on soliloquy) to say that. There are occasions in which it might be in-character to talk for that long, here it just comes across as them talking just to hear themselves talk. Let's skip ahead a bit to when Platinum actually responds.
"Clover, Clover, Clover!" wailed the princess. "How cruelly twisted it is that your epithet is established by your intellect, as boundless as the stars, and your knowledge, as expansive as the seas, and yet be beset by such ignorance of those various qualities that ought to make you the most besought mare in all the land! I must so sullenly confess that upon our first engagement, I too was oblivious to your oh so obvious charms that ought to have enchanted me from upon the start. It was your coat that first piqued my interests in you; that most lovely lavender, the hue of the most lovely flowers of the fields, and your mane, that most lovely royal shade of purple, with such a pulchritudinous luster, its beauty only highlighted by that elegant roseate stripe!" She shivered. "Though while I could not often abide your harsh critiques, I could not bear to deny the beauty that was so plain to me!I so very nearly, and so very foolishly assumed that I had plumbed the full depth of your winsomeness."
That last line could be taken as quite the euphemism. Just saying. Also, it seems that you are basing Clover's physical appearance on my portrayal of her in the Hearth's Warming Eve play. This is understandable, and while there are no paintings of her from the time period in which she was still alive, there are other accounts that suggest she was actually quite a bit paler than I am. But again, artistic license.
"But then I had the fortune to spy you devoid of those rude rags that you commonly drape yourself in, these beggarly burlap attire that ought to be the finest and most resplendent silks and satins! Although even in the case that the finest tailor in the kingdom would send a knight across the world to collect fleece from the famed golden llamas of Guanacolpoco and fashioned a most elaborate ensemble in which to clothe you, it would only be a detraction, as it would hide your most exquisite form from any eye!
Okaaaaaaaay. Again, the vocab is a bit forced. Princess Platinum might have a refined way of speaking, but unless she spends all her free time reading a dictionary she probably wouldn't speak like this. Also, I understand that you're just describing Platinum's reactions, but it's kinda awkward hearing you gush about how beautiful Clover is when her appearance is apparently based on me. I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not particularly attractive. If you think I'm pretty, I'm...flattered? I guess? It's just weird to read. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard about it.
"But even that was simply delicious hint of the most heavenly taste that your visage put upon the tongue of my eyes, for when I set them upon your most curvaceous and supple flank, it experienced that most sweet of sensations that I could only have wished to encounter!
First of all "tongue of my eyes" is probably the most unromantic image you could possibly have used here. The mental image of tongue-eyes is just...yuck. I don't think that's what you were going for. Second, it kinda sounds like Princess Platinum is getting an orgasm just from seeing Clover without her cloak. It's...a bit creepy. I don't think that's what you were going for either.
"It stirred deep within the pit of my loins, a fire in my crotch of such desire that I could not contain the overwhelming deluge of passion that I could not help but drown, and I was forced to retire to my private chambers both to escape the crushing pounding heartbeats that were started within me as well as to quell with my own hooves the storm of zest within my valley! Perchance you even heard the cries of my paroxysms in your chambers, utterly unknowing that it was you who dominated my thoughts!
....or maybe that's exactly what you were going for. I did not see this coming. Though in retrospect maybe I should have.
"It was your cutie mark that most affected me. That elegant starburst, encompassed by its diminutive astral counterparts, which dazzled me so! I have since my days as a simple filly been enamored by the constellations spiraling through the blackness of the sun-deprived midnight hours, by the shimmering and sparkling in the velvet sky, but yet they do not hold a single candle to the pattern imprinted by the magical fates upon your curvaceous and most callipygian flank! So many long nights, both sleepless and and in deepest slumber, has the sight commanded me. Each and every night without fail does it appear before me, and my sleeping self cannot help but come onto you. To brush against your flank and feel the silkiness of your coat on my hoof, to take your flank as the softest and most agreeable pillow against my cheek. The passion takes me, and I cannot hold myself back. My tongue escapes my lips and laps the sweat from you, savoring the pungent flavor of your hips, and when I awake I would swear to the flaming heart that the flavor remains upon my lips!"
Uh... um, I'm happy that you seem to like my cutie mark, I guess. Still, I have to say that this passage was more than a little uncomfortable to read. I mean, I'm not even sure what to say. I'm just going to try to ignore that it feels like I'm writing about myself, and note that you use the adjective "most" a lot. But really, I know you're changing the characters to meet your vision here, but it's kind of creepy and I'd really suggest changing Clover's cutie mark to the historically accurate magical sigil. Seriously.
"If not for the depth of my affection, I would have long since exercised my considerable authority and brought you to my bed, and to my great shame I considered it, but ultimately I could not, for it is not solely your body that I care for, but your soul! I would strip myself of all power, regality, and glamour if only you would ever assent to share our bodies as we have shared our minds and souls for so many days past!"
Well, I guess it's good to know that when they inevitably get down and dirty it'll be consensual.
The servile prostrate unicorn replied in acknowledgement, gazing deeply into her liege's liquid orbs. "I would gladly give you consent, for truly I apperceive you beyond any pony that I have comprehended or could know despite the consternation that you may have brought to me in days bygone, but those are over. My only caveat is the utter impropriety of such a carnal union; for if one should happen upon us sharing in the throes of greatest pleasure we should both be undone and I shall be cast from here for being so bold and arrogant as to take the maidenhood of my charge!"
"My dearest darling, Clover the Clever, truly does your mind match the name you were given on its account! Should any happen on us, the blame shall be mine and mine alone. I shall twist my tongue into blackest shapes to speak that it was I and I alone who caused the sorry scene and that you were naught but a victim of my passions that I could not quench! If that is what is needed for you to accept this offer that I have been so lagging to ask and failing to speak, I would beg you that you accept the risk, for if you refuse, my soul shall be shattered forever!"
Well, that's dramatic. There's some nice tension here.
"I would gladly risk all that and more, as I would be cast from the kingdom so long as you were alongside me in my exile! In all the books in all the realm I could not find sufficient words to express the veracity of my claim when I say that I could not possibly be taken into more perfect bliss than if we partook in that what you suggest at this very moment! I would nary delay a single moment, as each passing moment feels as a year, or more than a year, a full lifetime, or an era, in which whole kingdoms should rise and fall! Come upon me, my princess, and take all of that which you have told me you desire so strongly, for the only thing I lack in life is to make a gift of myself to you!" So saying, Clover cast off her every vestment and spread herself upon the bed, splaying her limbs, revealing every tender and secret portion of herself to the Princess, whose knees buckles as she slowly shed her own regalia, even her robes and crown, as she came upon the bed.
Okay, you want to be careful about using "come" and it's tenses in passages like this, because in a sexual context it sounds very different. For instance, while this passage is quite interesting (if more than a bit overwrought), the last sentence makes it sound like Princess Platinum reaches a sexual climax before she even makes it onto the bed with Clover. I mean, you've established that she has quite the libido (that's historically accurate, at least), but I don't think you meant to imply that she had an orgasm just from looking at me Clover.
The mind of Princess Platinum swirled and twirled in her head as the pure rapture overcame her, trying to scrounge her faculties together so as to make an intelligent decision concerning what part of her newfound joy with which to inaugurate themselves. Her eyes meandered most lasciviously in and out of every nook and cranny of the form of Clover, devouring her body through her eyes as though they were mouths and the lavender unicorn was a bounteous banquet of each of her favorite comestibles and cuisines assembled solely for her consumption and her consumption only.
Okay, a good rule of hoof: Unless you're deliberately trying to be creepy, don't compare eyes to mouths. It's just weird.
Her eyes fluttered like delicate songbirds through a forest, scrutinizing each bit of greenery for a perch, alighting finally on the lithe, opaque protrusion of alicorn that had long since sprouted from Clover the Clever's immaculate forehead.
See, comparing eyes to birds is a lot better! Also, you get bonus points for knowing that "alicorn" has an obscure secondary usage referring to the material from which unicorn horns are made. Although it's a bit odd for Princess Platinum to take such interest in Clover's horn. I mean, there are quite a few other things for her to take interest in. Maybe you should have her look at something else. Really, consider it.
She sidled past Clover's body, savoring every touch of each of the thousands of hairs on their respective coats, which were intertwining as they made their inevitable contact with each other, both mares sharing in shortened breaths and quickened hearts beating in their chests like drums, so hard and loud that they threatened to escape their stations in the ribcage and fly to each other.
You don't want to combine literal hearts with symbolic hearts. It brings to mind a rather... messy image.
In situ astride her servant's lovely torso, her loins impressing themselves upon her, and she felt her delicate female flower blossoming and beginning to produce its nectar, which she dabbed with her hoof and raised to her lips in a sensual toast to her beloved.
There are so many "she" and "her"s in this sentence that half the time I'm not sure who it's referring to. It's always an issue when you have two characters of the same gender to work with, but you should really rephrase these sentences to make it more clear who's doing what? I mean, is Princess Platinum tasting... herself? Is that something that ponies do? Great, now I'm imagining you doing it. It's an.... interesting image. I should probably stop writing now.
Her lips, soft as the petals of a flower, parted ever so slightly, creating a space for her tongue to emerge, and brush the tip of Clover's tocsin, fondling it gently before the princess lowered herself further, allowing the alicorn to press upon and through her lips, pushing them ever so slightly further apart until it filled the whole orifice, her lips sliding over each ridge, sucking gently at the extension through which Clover the Clever's full power flowed. The royal's head bobbed like a cork in a river, fellating the appendage as ground her hips upon the chest of her beautiful, immaculate, and most voluptuous servant, satiating her not inconsiderable lust with her heavenly warmth.
OH SWEET LUNA, Rarity, I only let you do that once. Even then I thought it was kinda weird, but I figured "hey, we're friends" and decided that a sleepover wasn't a sleepover without a bit of... experimentation. So I let you... do that to my horn. It was strange and awkward and I thought we agreed never to talk about it again. And I know that you're smart enough to know that never speaking of it again is not nearly the same thing as WRITING SEXUALLY EXPLICIT FANFICTION ABOUT IT. Dammit, Rarity, up to this point it was kinda strange seeing myself in the story, but this makes it really really hard to ignore it. I mean, I guess it could just be a coincidence and that you have like a... a horn-sucking fetish, and you just happened to write a story about it that just so happens to be about the characters we portrayed in the play, and that you mistakenly used a description of me in the DAMMIT I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU WROTE THIS ABOUT ME. I mean, did you think I wouldn't notice or something? Oh Celestia, this isn't some sort of weird courtship hint is it? If it is, why didn't you just come talk to me about it rather than write... this? Although I have to admit, if you are projecting like that, some of the things Platinum says to Clover are really quite touching, but I'd rather hear it from you directly.
Unless of course it is just a coincidence, in which case I'm going to feel like an idiot.
You know what? I'm sorry. I know there are like seventeen more pages, but I just don't feel comfortable reading the rest of this until I talk to you and figure out what the hell is going on.
Also, I know you're using a thesaurus because "tocsin" is a type of alarm, like a klaxon, not a horn. Seriously, if you're going to use a thesaurus, get a dictionary as well to make sure that the words match.
Well, I have to say this wasn't exactly what I expected. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. There are a couple really odd stylistic decisions you made that aren't wrong, per se, but they're so unusual that I'm not sure whether they enhance or detract from the story. It's kind of hard to explain. I sort of explained it in my notes, where I could point out specific examples. Let's just get started.
Once upon a time, there was a shy pegasus. She lived in a small town called Ponytown, where nothing particularly interesting ever happened. Her name was Flickerfly. She had a pink pastel coat and a pale yellow mane. Her eyes were pale green. Her cutie mark was three sunset moths. Some ponies thought that she was very pretty, but she didn't think so. She was good at sewing, but didn't sew very much. She usually spent her time with animals, because she liked them. They were easier to talk to than ponies.
There are two main comments I have to make here. First of all, given the later content of this story, beginning the story with a typical fairy tale opening just seems a bit... off. It just seems to mislead the audience a bit. Second, while you're certainly economic in terms of how you're introducing all the information about Flickerfly's personality and appearance, it's also not very engaging. You're basically just listing her attributes. You give a good summary of what she's like, but it's not particularly interesting to read. You might want to think of trimming out some of the unnecessary descriptors. For instance, her eye color isn't particularly important and neither is her sewing ability.
One evening, she was walking through Ponytown. She was going to order a cake. She had a pet rabbit, and his birthday was soon. He wanted a cake, so she was going to order one. She went to the bakery, but it was closed. It was too late. She decided to come back the next day. She was going to go back to her cottage when she heard something. It was a sound from inside the bakery.
There are a few redundancies here. Rather than restating things, you should try to combine them. For instance, you could boil down a few of the sentences into "She was going to order a cake for her pet rabbit, whose birthday was coming up." Or "She heard a sound from inside the bakery." For the most part it's working okay now; just watch the unnecessary repetition.
The sound from inside the bakery sounded like a moan. It sounded like Mrs. Baker was in pain. But at the same time, it sounded like something else. She didn't know what else it sounded like. She wasn't sure whether she should look inside to check. She didn't want to invade their privacy. But maybe she needed help. Maybe she could find out. She went up to the window, behind the bushes. She looked in. She saw Mrs. Baker, and also Mr. Baker. They were doing something very intimate. Flickerfly could see it really clearly. She realized that the sounds Mrs. Baker were making were definitely not pain, even though she was moaning. She was enjoying what her husband was doing to her.
This is going to be one of those stories, isn't it? Also, it's kind of... unusual for this type of story that you're referring to sex so euphemistically. Granted, I'm not sure whether this is actually meant to be arousing or whether it just utilizes sexual content as a plot device, so I'll leave it for now.
Maybe I shouldn't watch this, she thought. But even though she thought that, she kept watching. Seeing them do those things made her feel funny inside. It was a weird feeling, but Flickerfly kind of enjoyed it. She wasn't sure that she liked that she enjoyed it. She kept watching as Mr. and Mrs. Baker kept doing that thing. The longer she watched, the funnier she felt. The funny feeling was mostly in her crotch. She thought to herself that maybe it would feel good if she touched herself down there. She put her hoof between her legs and touched herself. It felt good. It felt sort of tingly and it made her breathe harder. It also made her heartbeat go faster as she touched herself.
Okay, the description of the "feeling" she's getting, which I'm assuming is sexual arousal, is frustratingly vague here. You haven't really described it in any fashion other than that it's "weird" and "feels good". The way you describe it affecting her breathing and heartbeat is good, though it needs to be condensed into one sentence (you still need to watch those redundancies). Also, the extremely oblique way you describe that the Bakers are having sex seems... odd. There's something to be said for not being overly blunt (you don't want to just say "they were having sex"), but you're going a bit too far in the other direction.
She suddenly thought that maybe somepony could see her. She thought that realizing that would make the feeling go away, but it didn't. She thought of what it would be like if one of her friends saw her. Her crotch started to feel even more pleasurable as she thought about it. She imagined one of her friends seeing her touch herself. They would see her staring in the window, watching the Bakers doing private things. They would also see her touching herself. Even if she put her tail over herself, they would be able to see that she was touching herself. They would see that there was a wet patch on her hoof and between her legs. Then she realized that they wouldn't, because she was behind the bush. The feeling went away a little.
She wanted to keep the feeling. She liked having it, even if it made her feel dirty. She took a few steps to the side. She wasn't behind the bush anymore. If somepony walked by, they would be able to see everything. Well, not everything. Her tail was still covering her. She moved her tail to the side. Anypony could see that she was touching herself as she looked into the window. She imagined somepony walking past and seeing her. Her knees began to tremble. If they saw her they might stop and stare. Maybe they would just keep walking. They would talk to somepony else later. They would say that they had seen her touching herself. Or maybe they would stop. They would tell her how she was being a very dirty pony and how she shouldn't touch herself outside where everypony could see her.
Sooo.... an exhibitionist fetish then? Huh, I wouldn't have pegged you as being interested in that, given, well, you know. Then again, I supposed that there is a bit of precedent for this sort of thing. It wouldn't be the first time that somepony began to fetishize something stemming from an aspect of their personality. Given how uncomfortable you are with being the center of attention, it does make some sense that you'd develop an interest in a fetish involving being in a public space but not being seen. And by writing about it rather than taking part in it allows you to avoid the risk of being found out. Well, except by me, obviously. I'm kinda surprised you let me read this. Don't worry, I can keep a secret, though.
She imagined their faces if they saw her. They looked disgusted but also a bit interested. It was weird to think that somepony would be interested in that part of her. The tingly feeling between her legs got stronger as she thought about it. She kept touching herself while thinking about what might happen if somepony saw her. She imagined them staring at her crotch. She thought how they would hear her squeaking as she touched herself and how they could see the wetness on her legs. As she thought about it, the feeling suddenly got really strong. She squealed loudly. Her knees shook and she fell down. She breathed hard as the tingly feeling made her whole body shake.
I'm not sure whether this is intentional or not, but you're really understating the feel of an orgasm. I don't know if it's because you just don't know how to describe it, or whether you just haven't experienced one, but in any case you should probably give a stronger description. (If it's because you haven't ever had an orgasm, well, I won't go into details, but I do think that it's something you should look into) There's no real buildup to it, and you never describe the sensation, even in an indirect sense. You basically just say "it felt the same as before, only more". I realize that describing an orgasm can be tough to do properly, but the current description just doesn't do it justice. Although I think you're on the right track with describing how it affects her. If you can't describe the sensation itself, you can definitely describe her physical reaction. The squeal, weak knees, etc. Work with that.
She looked around. She didn't see anypony. She was relieved, but also a little disappointed. Touching herself had made her feel really good. It felt especially good when she thought that somepony might see her. She decided to go home.
Again, the description here is a little... brief. It feels less like you're describing the events and more like you're summarizing them. There's no detail here. And again, mind the repetition. You don't need to say yet again that masturbating made her feel good. That's kind of the point of masturbation, after all.
As she went home, she began to think about tomorrow. She thought of maybe doing it again. She would go somewhere where other ponies were, and then try to make herself feel good again when they were around. Maybe she would go to a friend's house for lunch. Then she could touch herself under the table while they were talking.
Wait, so does this mean that when we had brunch at Rarity's last week, and you were making those noises... you know what? I don't want to know. That's your own business. Although it does explain that weird wet spot on the chair. I thought maybe somepony had spilled their drink or something. Next time you should- okay, no. I'm not talking about this. Let's go back to the story.
She decided to think about it a bit more while she was at home. She decided she'd have to just bake a cake for her pet rabbit. If she didn't, he would be mad. He needed to have cake for his birthday. She didn't want him to be angry. He wasn't very fun when he was angry.
Okay, this thing with the rabbit is completely unrelated to the rest of the content of the chapter, and you switch back to it so suddenly that it's rather jarring. It's like you started writing a completely non-sexual story about a pony buying a cake for her pet rabbit and then suddenly sex appears.
She wondered if she could get the same tingly feeling by touching herself in her house while her pet rabbit was around. She felt the feeling a little as she thought about it. She would definitely have to try it out.
It's a bit weird to involve the rabbit, but I guess I could kinda see how it might be a decent substitute for other ponies.
I'm really not sure what to make of this story. Aside from the fact that the tone as a whole is really story-bookish, and the sexual aspects come out of nowhere, it's just generally sort of odd. I really don't know whether it's a problem that needs to be addressed, or whether you've actually stumbled across something kinda brilliant.
Basically, throughout the story, you seem to be avoiding describing any of the sexual acts in the story in even the slightest degree of detail. In fact, I don't think you actually ever mention anything sexual directly; everything is extremely vague euphemisms that leave pretty much everything to the imagination. Sex is "doing something intimate", masturbation is "touching herself", genitalia is either "her crotch" or "between her legs"; it's like you're afraid to actually say the words. I get that it might be uncomfortable; talking about private matters like sex is often very awkward, even in a fictional context, but it's something you should work through. You can't really write erotic fiction without including any of the eroticism. I mean, let's face it; your descriptions here are really rather sparse and repetitive. If you want the reader to be aroused at all, you need to bump up the passion a bit. You have a few good bits in there that I mentioned above, but on the whole it's a bit lacking in that regard. Having sexual desires is nothing to be ashamed of, and there's nothing wrong with working through it in this fashion. That said, I'm really quite proud that you were willing to let me take a look at this. Letting somepony else read and criticize your work isn't easy, even when the subject matter isn't so awkward as this.
On the other hoof, if one just reads it as a story that happens to contain sexual elements rather than an attempt at erotica, it actually kinda works. Sure, the repetition is an issue that needs to be addressed, but the extensive use of euphemisms actually works in that regard. If you take the story that way, it's less about trying to arouse the reader and more simply allowing them a glimpse into Flickerfly's thoughts as she discovers something new about herself. In that regard the choice of euphemizing everything could be seen as insight into her characterization; sexuality intimidates her, so she thinks of it in very indirect terms. She's not entirely comfortable with her new fetish and doesn't want to really admit what it is that she's a voyeur and an exhibitionist. Of course, if that's not what you're going for, you definitely need to inject some passion into it.
On a more personal note, if this isn't just purely fictional story, and you really do have these... tendencies, you really need to be careful. You could probably get away with stuff like pleasuring yourself while visiting a friend's house or something; I know a lot of friends would probably find it odd, but would be able to understand (I won't go into detail, but I know for a fact that several of them do in fact have weird fetishes. Not saying who or what, though). However, if you get caught doing that in a public place, like a park or on the street or something, you could get in serious trouble. So you should really be cautious. If you got caught a lot of ponies would find out about it, and I'm sure you don't want that. If this isn't a personal thing and it's purely fiction, well, that's not a problem.
So to recap: combine some of the shorter sentences together to eliminate redundancies, vary the euphemisms a bit more, and may remove them altogether if you want this to be a more erotic story. All things considered, you definitely have something here, and there are several ways you could take it. How much work it needs depends on what kind of story you want it to be. Once you make a decision let me know and we can discuss it further.
P.S. I really am impressed that you were willing to let me read something so personal in nature. Unless you just gave me the wrong thing, in which case our next conversation is going to be rather awkward. Either way, your secret is safe with me.
I must say, I didn't expect you have to have such interest in this sort of thing. It actually has quite a bit of potential to be quite... intriguing. Unfortunately, your rather spare writing style, while suitable for certain genres of story, doesn't really fit erotic literature very well. I'll try to give examples as I go through the story.
Once there was a normal, everyday, regular pony. She was a hard worker who did her best to help out other ponies. Everypony thought she did a pretty good job at that. She didn't like showing off or anything as long as she could help. One night, after the rest of her family had gone to bed, she got up. She quietly snuck out of the house. She went into town. Everypony else was asleep. There was nopony else around. She went to one of the houses. Every Friday night, she went to that house, to the back door. She knocked.
"Who is it?"
"It's me."
Okay, the description is kinda brief and so generic that it doesn't really tell the reader anything about the protagonist. It doesn't help that there's no description of her appearance. We don't even get a name. Now, this might be helpful if you want the reader to imagine themselves in the place of the protagonist, but if that's the case, the stuff about how she helps other ponies isn't really necessary. You jump to the... action so quickly that the the background info isn't really important. If you want some legitimate characterization, you'll have to put a lot more effort in.
"Oh, come in, Callery!"
The door swung open and she walked in. There was another pony there.
"I'll be ready in just a moment," she said. "You can go to the room."
So she went to the room.
Okay, it's good that you gave your character a name, but as they're both female, if you just use "she" it's impossible to tell who's talking or doing what. Also, you have an absolute bare minimum of description here; you might want to consider adding some more detail to the description. What the ponies look like, what kind of house it is, etc. Otherwise it's hard to get invested in the story.
There was a large bed in the room, and also a few large closets. She sat and waited. Then the door opened and the other pony came in. She was wearing a lot of tight belts. Some of them had spikes.
Oh boy, here we go.
"I'm sorry I'm late," she said. "I had to-"
"Silence!" said the other pony. "How dare you not get here when I told you to!"
"I'm real sorry, I just-"
"I said silence," said the pony. "And you should know by now that you are to address me as your mistress!" The mistress pushed Callery to the floor. "You are being quite a naughty pony! That means you need to be punished!"
The mistress opened one of the closets and took out a bridle an put it on Callery. Then she tied up Callery's legs and put her on the bed.
Okay, the description here is quite bland. I get the idea you're sort of going for a "bondage dungeon" vibe here, but it isn't really coming across. It's just a bedroom that happens to have a few extra cabinets. If you offered a bit more detail, you'd be able to pique the reader's interest better. For instance, maybe when the mistress opens one of the closets, you could note some of the other contents. Maybe she has like some whips or something. You also should flesh out the description of the actions a bit better as well; maybe figure out exactly how Callery gets tied up. I'm no expert on... this subject, but I'm pretty sure there are plenty of different ways to tie somepony up. Some more detail would help the reader picture the scene better. Like maybe all four of her limbs are tied together and stuck in the air. Kinda like how you tied up Fluttershy during the Discord incident. I know you know your way around knots. You can find a better way of describing this.
"You have been naughty, haven't you?"
Callery nodded.
"I said, 'Have you been naughty?' Answer me!"
"Y-yes!"
The mistress took a switch out of the cabinet and smacked Callery's rump with it.
"I didn't hear you!" the mistress said.
"Yes!" Callery said.
"Louder!"
"YES!"
"Were you a naughty pony?"
"Yes, I was a naughty pony!"
The mistress smacked Callery's rump again.
"Call me by my title!"
"I was a naughty pony, Mistress!"
"And what does that mean?"
"That you have to punish me,Mistress."
"That's right. You've been a very naughty pony, so now I have to spank you!"
So she spanked her.
Okay, the descriptions of what's going on here is so simple that it basically loses any of the eroticism it could have had. I suppose it would be possible to eroticize something like spanking, but "she spanked her" is anything but erotic. It says what's happening, but it doesn't exactly paint a mental picture of what's happening. It's more like the events are just being summarized rather than described. It's the same deal with describing how she's tied up. Like instead of just saying that she's being spanked, you need to describe it. The sound of the switch hitting her, for example. Or describe how she looks. Does she twitch? Maybe she cries out, or moans, or squeaks or something. It could start quiet and get gradually louder with each successive strike. You could also describe the effect of the spanking. Is her butt getting red as a result of the spanking? Give the reader some details.
The entire point of erotic fiction is to arouse the reader by allowing them to vicariously experience the events of the story. If you don't describe any of the sensations that the characters are feeling, that's almost impossible. You need to pick one of the characters and describe what they're experiencing. Like for Callery, you could describe what it feels like to be spanked. Sudden pain, with tingly feeling after. A growing soreness as she takes more and more hits. Maybe her legs start to fall asleep from being tied up, and the spanking brings the feeling back. Just give the reader something that consists of more than just "this happened".
"Ouch!" said Callery.
You know what I said before about giving more detail? This is not sufficient.
"I don't think you've been punished enough!" said the mistress. "What do you think? Have you been punished enough?"
"No, Mistress. I've been a bad pony and I need to be punished more."
"That's right," said the mistress.
"How are you going to punish me?" asked Callery.
"Silence!" said the mistress. "How dare you question me!"
"I am sorry, Mistress!" said Callery. "You'll have to punish me even more now."
"Yes, and I have just the thing." The mistress opened one of her cabinets and took out a candle. She lit it and began to drip the wax on Callery's chest.
There are so many sensual details you could include here, just from the candle alone; the heat, the smell of the wax and flame, the flicking light, the sound of the drips hitting her, the feeling of the hot wax seeping through her coat... there has to be some substance to the image.
"Ouch!" Callery said.
Oh come on, you can do better than this. This is the exact same thing she said during the spanking (or should have said multiple times, given that each hit is separate), and it's kind of a dull reaction. I can think of other ways somepony might react to having hot wax dripped on them. Like maybe she tries to keep quiet, but she involuntarily whimpers as the hot wax lands on her; biting her lip and trying to keep her breathing even despite the pain. As she gets used to the heat, the burning sensation starts to be pleasurable. Or something like that.
"How does that feel?" said the mistress.
"It hurts!" Callery said. "But in a good way."
Okay, this is way too blunt. "It hurts in a good way?" Really? I know you can do better than that. I said it once I'll say it again, describe the sensations. It's almost impossible to get into what's going on when there's no feeling involved.
"Good." said the Mistress. "But I still have to punish you more. Now lick my hoof!"
She put her hoof by Callery's mouth, and Callery licked it.
1. Keep in mind what I said before.
2. This is a good example of a problem I've noticed, neither character is very dynamic. BDSM is all about a power dynamic; one dominant pony exerting complete power over another fully submissive pony. However, that dynamic doesn't seem to appear here. Callery and the Mistress fill those roles in name only. They're doing what you'd expect in that situation, but it's unnatural. It feels like they're going through the motions. They're doing what they're doing because that's what the story requires rather than because they have any reason for it. For instance, the Mistress doesn't really act like a dom; she says things that are appropriate for the situation, but she lacks any mannerisms or body language to go along with it. When she says the lines I'm just imagining a pony just standing there reciting the lines on cue rather than a scene playing out. Callery is the same way; she doesn't really act all that submissive. Or rather, there's no well to tell whether she's submissive or not because I have no idea how she's talking or acting. Half the story is just Callery and the Mistress trading lines. It's almost like a play; all dialogue with occasional scene description and stage direction.
Come to think of it, it might actually work better as a play because then the actors could figure out the body language, tone, and all of that. Although I doubt you'd be able to stage such a play in Ponyville; and if you could it would have to be pretty low key. You'd have a hard time getting actors as well. I suppose if you were really hard pressed, Rarity might be willing to play the part of the mistress. I could kind of see her acting in that fashion. I'm pretty sure she's made bridles before. In fact, she could probably make most of the paraphernalia that would be required for that role.
As for Callery, that's tougher. Fluttershy is the obviously choice for a sub, but I don't think she'd ever really want to do something like that, even as part of a play. She has enough trouble going onstage in a non-erotic role, let alone one that would show her in such a... compromising position. Pinkie would never be able to pull it off; she'd laugh the whole time. Rainbow Dash doesn't seem like the sub type either. Then again, when she was telling me about how Spitfire was constantly going all drill-sergeant on her, she seemed to almost enjoy it, so maybe she's secretly into that kind of thing. Though it might just be because it's the Wonderbolts doing the dominating.
I don't know who else you'd get to do it, though. I mean, if it weren't kind of an embarrassing thing to act out publicly, I might take a swing at it. I mean, it couldn't be that bad. It's not like it would be Celestia spanking me or dripping hot wax on my chest or anything. Not like she ever had any occasion to chastise me, though. I was always really careful to have everything in on time. Although I kind of wonder what it would have been like if she had? I mean, I'm sure it would have hurt a bit, but she knows her own strength well enough to not do any real damage. She'd probably know just how to bend me over and really go to town on my behind!
Don't know about the candle thing, though. She might be able to magically manipulate the temperature of the wax to be just right; hot enough to sting but not enough to actually burn. I don't know if it fits with her aesthetic though. Luna is the one who's more likely to have candelabras sitting everywhere. The whole "black leather straps" that most doms wear probably fits her general fashion tendencies as well. Very dark and gothic. Come to think of it, both Celestia and Luna would look good in dominatrix style getups. Really good. I mean, I usually get disturbing mental images from reading these stories, but that one is actually quite... okay, I should stop talking about this. It's too much of a tangent.
Back to the story.
"How does it taste?" asked the mistress.
"I love it," said Callery.
"Good," said the mistress. "Lick it some more."
"Yes, Mistress!" Callery said. She licked the Mistress' hoof again. Then an alarm clock rang.
"Woops, looks like our time is up!" The mistress said. She untied Callery. "You'd better get home before somepony realizes that you're missing."
Wait wait wait. This is far too anticlimactic. The entire scene just sort of... stops. If you're going for a deliberate anti-climax, you have to build up to something before pulling the rug out from under the reader. As is, the story doesn't have any direction, it's just a link of things that happen rather than an actual narrative. You should play up the intensity of the scene before suddenly cutting it off. Like maybe consider moving the hoof-licking thing to the start of the story; it's the least extreme of the things that happen, so it comes across as an anti-climax after the spanking and the hot wax.
"Thanks." Callery said. "Same time next week?"
"Sure." The mistress winked. "I hope you're late again."
Oooooh! See, this is good. It makes the mistress seem playful and a bit of a tease. It gives her some real personality. You need more stuff like this in the story.
"Alright." Callery said as she walked back to the outside door. "Maybe next time I'll show up even later."
Why couldn't you have had this banter stuff earlier? It would have established their personalities at the start and made their relationship feel more real. You should consider opening the story with this sort of interaction.
"Oh, and before I forget..." the Mistress said. "Please make sure your little sister remembers to do her homework. She forgot it yesterday."
"Okay," Callery said with a smile. "I'll make sure I remind her. See you later."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Wait, so the dominatrix was her little sister's schoolteacher? Are you telling me that you're aware of Cheerilee's... alternate revenue stream? (If you weren't, don't tell her that I let you know. I only found out because she came into the library for "research materials"). Anyway, it kind of comes out of nowhere, but it's actually a pretty great twist. The problem is that the lack of detail up to this point means that the reader probably won't be invested enough to really appreciate it. So basically there are two things you need to do when you edit this:
1. Develop the characters' personalities more. Take the banter between them at the very end and add some of that to the rest of the story. They need to have distinct voices.
2. Describe the actual sensations that Callery is experiencing. Otherwise it'll be hard for the audience to truly... enjoy the story. They can't get the vicarious experience of what happens if the events are only loosely summarized in a bland fashion. You need to emphasize the tastes, feels, smells, sounds, and appearance of what happens. Otherwise I- I mean, your readers won't find it arousing.
Basically, you have the potential for something sexy here, but the prose is distressingly beige. You obviously don't want to go overboard with it, but for something like this a little bit of florid-ness is just what the story needs.
Well, Pinkie, I can honestly say that if nothing else, this is certainly a... unique story. I'm honestly not sure what else to say about it.
W-what am I even looking at!? You went to the trouble of making a cover image... Is... is it moving? How the hay did you even... Okay, forget it, I'm not going to ask. I don't want to damage my eyes by looking at this picture for too long, so I'll just quickly note that you probably should have somehow printed the text out rather than writing it yourself, as it's kind of messy, hard to read, the text is off center, squished, and you spelled "illustrated" wrong. Also that weird watermark thing at the bottom covers up the end of your name.
I know I'm going to regret saying this, but let's move on to the story proper.
It was night. Pinkie Pie was alone in the bakery. Even though the Cakes were out of town at the baking competition, the kitchen still scented with the smell of sweetness and sugar!
Not bad scene setting; "scent" isn't traditionally used as a verb, and the exclamation point is probably unnecessary, but other than that it's not a bad start. Though you may want to consider not writing in pink. Pink words on a white background isn't exactly easy on the eyes.
And SEX!!
...It's all downhill from here, isn't it?
Even though she was the only pony populating the place, she didn't feel alone. There was something else in the bakery! It was MMMMM! Son of MMMM! Except not really the son of MMMM because cakes can't have babies. Well, Mr. an Mrs. Cake had babies. Two of them even! But they aren't really cakes, they're just called that. REAL cakes can't have babies. If they did the not-really-cake Cakes would be out of business and also we probably wouldn't eat cakes because eating something's baby is a bad thing, even if they are a cake.
Okay this is sort of a tangent that's rather irrelevant to... anything, really. It's entertaining, but you don't want to do this sort of thing too often or it'll slow the story down to a crawl.
Anyway, the MMMMM (Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness Mark 2! or Junior) was also in the bakery. Pinkie had baked it herself as a test of her skills. It looked delicious. Too delicious.
"MMMMM!" Pinkie said, licking her lips as she thought of how delicious it would taste. She could practically taste it already! She closed her eyes and imagined the feeling of her teeth sinking through the frosting and into the moist, mouthwatering middle!
Okay, the description of the sensations here is actually pretty good. I also like the alliteration; it makes the writing sound a bit more playful.
Oh, you illustrated it. That's... unique. I suppose it adds a bit to the story, although I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure your artistic ability doesn't quite match up to your baking ability. There's no perspective or background or anything. It's not even off because it's stylized. You don't need professional quality drawings, but you might want to draw a few practice pictures before putting the final version in the story.
The taste that she imagined was pretty good, but it was obvious that the real thing had to be even better. She leaned in close to the MMMMM, her snout nearly touching the frosting. The scent of sugary sublimity swept into her nostrils. Her tongue tingled and slid around the edges of her mouth. Her mouth watered at the thought of the smooth frosting filling it. Her moistened lips hovered mere inches away from the decadent delight. She breathed again, heavier, letting the lustrous scent wash over her. She felt goosebumps forming on her skin.
This is quite the... sensuous description of smelling a cake. Quite well written though, especially compared to what I've had to deal with lately. Although I should also note that this entire thing with the cake seems kinda pointless. You might want to shorten it and just get to the main plot.
She giggled as she thought about it. Goosebumps were silly. They didn't look like gooses at all. Or was it geese? Either way goosebumps didn't really have much to do with waterfowl. She wasn't sure why they were called that. It didn't make much sense.
Um, you also might want to consider trimming out some of these tangents. They don't really add anything.
The desire welling up within her bosom (and her stomach) began to overpower her. In an instant all semblance of self control vanished like a cloud bucked by a pegasus. Her head dipped forward. It was hardly a great bite. Barely a nibble even. A crumb of cake, a dab of frosting. Her tongue curled around the morsel, pressing it against the roof of her mouth, squeezing every last bit of wonderful flavor out of it.
Her heart thumped faster and faster as the frosting melted in her mouth. She swallowed, the bite of cake gliding own her throat. The velvety texture made her sweat! It was like she was in a sauna, only without the steam and fat, smelly ponies with bad BO! It lit a fire within her, the single bite acting like a spark, threatening to set her whole body aflame with longing for the MMMMM.
Well, that's quite something. You're certainly doing a good job of portraying how much she wants the cake. I'm not sure to what end, though. And the bit about the sauna kinda sticks out like a sore hoof. Describing a fat, smelly pony with bad body odor kinda ruins the image.
She couldn't resist the feeling any longer. She could barely restrain herself from diving headlong into the ooey-gooey goodness. No, she couldn't do that! She refused to lose herself in gluttonous hedonism!! Instead she stuck her tongue out, caressing one of the blobs of frosting that lined the edge of the cake!
Was it really necessary to draw a picture of yourself licking the cake? And with such a... lascivious expression. It's a bit uncomfortable. Also, the pattern of frosting on the cake is a bit different from the first illustration. You'll want to be careful to maintain the continuity between the images or it'll be distracting.
It was so sweet! It was if sugar had turned into a pony (a really really hot pony!) and kissed her tongue. Her mouth began to water. She couldn't imagine any feeling more pleasurable than that of the taste of the MMMMM. As her tongue flicked the tip of a frosting flower, a chill ran down her spine! The pleasurable tingle spread from her tongue to her lips. And from her lips to her cheeks! And from her cheeks to the rest of her face! An from the rest of her face down her neck! And from her neck down to her chest!!
Okay, we get it. The cake is delicious. Also listing all the body parts is unnecessary. For the first few things it's a bit clever, but after that it's just "okay, how many more of these are we going through. Just trim it to "from her tongue to her lips, to the rest of her body" or something.
And from her chest to her rump!! And from her rump down her tail and her legs! And from her legs to her hooves! And from her hooves back up her legs and then it hit her vajayjay!
Wait wait wait. What? Are you trying to tell me that you like cake so much that it sexually arouses you? That's... kinda strange. Then again, I guess by this point I shouldn't be surprised. All I can really say is that if you want this to be erotic, you should probably pick a better term for the female anatomy than "vajayjay". If this was a sex comedy that might work, but there's really no context in which "vajayjay" is really erotic.
One of her hooves began to move!!! It was as if she wasn't even controlling it! Like it was a robot hoof! With remote control! And the pony who had the remote control was a pervert! Her hoof moved between her legs. It began to poke and prod at her slit! It felt really good, obviously. She rubbed herself as she took a really big bite of the MMMMM!!! Both her mouth and her cooter trembled with pleasure as frosting smeared around her lips!
Oh wow, this took a.... weird turn. You should probably be more specific about which set of lips are smeared with frosting. Maybe specify which hoof she's using for what? Otherwise the reader might misunderstand it and think that she shoved a hoof full of cake up her vagina. Believe me, that is not an image most ponies would want. Then again, the idea that she's pleasuring herself to a cake is kinda weird in and of itself. I mean, I'm not really into stuff like bondage or exhibitionism either, but I can at least understand why somepony might find those things alluring. This is... I really don't know what to make of it. I guess I should just be glad you didn't draw a picture of this.
...I stand corrected.
She felt soooooooo good. The MMMMM tasted so delicious that the deliciousness went strait to her hoo-ha! Maybe her tongue was connected to her clit or something. She had a theory! Maybe the "G" in "tongue" stood for "g-spot!" BRILLIANT! So anyway, eating the cake was making her all hot and bothered, so she was masturbating as she savored the flavor. It was truly genius! Two of the best feelings ever!, slamming the clam and eating a delicious piece of cake!, combined forces like a combining robot of delicious sex!
Normally I'd complain about how you used exclamation points inside of a sentence, or how you used "slam the clam" un-ironically, but what really bugs me is that it'll be years before I'm able to eat a piece of cake without thinking of you pleasuring yourself. Thanks for that.
The burning in her loins was nearly too much for her to contain! Especially along with the decadent sweetness of the MMMMM on her tongue! Her heart was thumping so hard and her legs were beginning to wobble! The cake was so amazing in every way that she could no longer help herself!
This is... I'm not even sure what to make of this. It's certainly unusual, but then again fetishes usually are.
She leaped forward, catching the MMMMM in a madly lustful embrace!!!! Her body sank into the frosting as she ground her hips against the lowermost tier of the cake!! She humped furiously, feeling WAVES of pleasure from the cake! It squished and squashed and made all sorts of ooshy-gooshy sounds! It felt so good! The only way it could have felt better was if the MMMMM had a dick! But obviously it was a cake, so it couldn't have a dick because cakes don't have sexes. But maybe she could have made one for it! A chocolate covered banana would be perfect for that! She'd have to remember that for next time because then it would really be having sex with a cake!
"Oh MMMMM!" she cried in pleasure as she writhed against it, a mix of frosting and bodily secretions ran down her legs and thighs! "You're so SEXY! And so delicious!" Both cake and pony fell to the floor in an explosion of orgasmic sensations! She gasped as she humped the cake!
"Oh! OH!!!" She cried! "I'm coming! I'M COMING!! MMMMM!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed so loud somepony who lived all the way across town in a partially underground cottage probably heard her and thought "I wonder what that sound was? It sounded like somepony having an orgasm while having sex with a large baked good!" except that she would be too shy to think that sort of thing, so it would probably be more of an "oh my". Even though nopony else could hear her thoughts, so for all it mattered she could have thought "It sounds like one of my good friends is rubbing her vagina on a cake so hard that she just came!". But she was too shy and definitely wouldn't think that.
Pinkie, what are you... what...why?
...This is pretty much the last thing I ever wanted to see. I'm actually kinda glad that you aren't a more skilled artist.
But anyway, back to our valiant heroine! She had just come from the sensation of her furious grinding against the MMMMM joining forces with the succulent sweetness of the frosting and the delicate moistness of the cake itself. It was a pretty good orgasm. Well, all orgasms are, but this one was particularly good. She was able to keep it going for a quite a while, and it was pretty awesome. At least until she lost control of her bladder. In retrospect, she probably should haved used the little fillies' room BEFORE her conjugal visit to the MMMMM!
On the other hoof, if she had taken the time to exercise her Kegel muscles a bit more then maybe she could have held it for longer. And gotten an even better orgasm!! She'd have to get back to doing her Kegel exercises. But first she'd have to get her cooter-barbell back from her friend who had borrowed it. Pinkie never would have guessed that that particular friend would be interested in toning her vaginal muscles, but hey, sometimes your friends surprise you.
Wait, you mean that the thing you lent me wasn't just a regular weight!? Augh! I think I need to go and wash my... everything.
But seriously, those sorts of cooter exercises can really help strengthened your ability to hold it! If you have a sideways smile you should totally try them. Pinkie found that when she did them, that they increased her bladder capacity by roughly 14%. Unfortunately, she had been slacking off on her va-jay-jay training regimen and as a result she couldn't quite hold it in this time, because hey, orgasms are pretty much synonymous with complete and utter loss of bodily control. So she pee-peed as she had the orgasm. Which she had gotten from humping the cake.
This- this is... I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. It's just so... I don't even know. "Pee-peed"? Really? It's just so... juvenile. This entire thing... just... what?
Okay, I'm done. Can't take any more of this. Throwing my hooves up and walking away. Just... here's an illustration of my own.
Okay, I'm back, having taken quite a bit of time doing anything to get that picture out of my brain. Don't get me wrong, if you have a fetish for cakes or peeing on cakes, or whatever; it's not my place to tell you it's wrong or anything. That's not what I'm saying. But you can't go springing that sort of thing on other ponies without warning! Everypony has different types of things that they're comfortable with, and things that they find gross, and honestly, I personally find the idea of having sex with a cake and then peeing on it to be rather offputting. I can't come out and say that there's anything wrong with it (so long as you clean up afterward, I guess). But still, I wish you would have given me some indication what was coming. But I'll try to put that aside for the moment and give some actual advice. Although I'll be doing it from memory, because I don't think I can take those illustrations again.
First of all, you actually have some pretty dynamic prose here. You vary the word choice enough, it flows well, and it actually displays a good amount of energy. The actual description of the... pleasure is a bit short, but what you have is pretty good. You also do a fairly good job of escalating the level of explicitness rather than jumping right to orgasms or taking forever to get anywhere. In that regard the pacing is actually pretty good. Better than I would have expected, honestly. There's definitely a unique flavor to the tone of the story and it's... memorable, to say the least. So you kinda succeeded.
On the other hoof, there are a quite a few issues. First off, the pink text is just hard to read; at the very least you should change it to a darker shade that contrasts more with the paper. Second, the pictures are... lacking. If you're going to illustrate the story, you really should put some effort into it rather than just scribbling some stuff out in two minutes. Even if the prose is amazing, the images, being a visual medium, tend to stick in the mind more, so you want them to be something that's going to make a good impression. They don't have to be detailed or extremely realistic; you can always stylize them, but it needs to be a valid stylistic decision rather than a doodle. If you don't feel comfortable getting somepony else to draw them for you (although I doubt that you'd care much), you might want to at least do a few practice drawings and take your time making them. Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to include a background in your drawings to set the scene more. Nothing fancy, just a window or wall or something.
Now then, the prose. Aside from the absurd amounts of exclamation points (which you should really scale back), you have all sorts of extra meandering sections that start rambling about things that aren't related to the rest of the story. They're amusing, but they basically grind the story to a halt to talk about stuff that the reader probably doesn't care much about. If you were writing a purely comedic story, it might work, but if you want this to be arousing at all you'll have to dial it back a bit. I'd recommend picking one or the other (humor or sensuality) and aim for that rather than trying to juggle the two of them. It's possible to have both, but it can be tricky.
There's more I could say about this, but I think most of that is probably better left unsaid. I think I'm going to go read something else now before my brain leaks out of my ears. Maybe a nice phonebook.
Okay, Spike. I kinda, sorta may have stumbled across this when I was changing the sheets on your bed. I wasn't snooping, I swear. I just saw that you had been eating in bed again and thought it needed cleaning. Needless to say, the content surprised me. Although even then I couldn't really help myself; I figured I might as well try to help out. In retrospect, I'm not sure that it was a good idea. Just read through my comments and then come see me.
The young dragon put a claw to his cheek and gave himself a pinch. A jolt of pain coursed through his body, telling him that he was still awake. Which was odd, because the scene before him was one that had played out many a time in his dreams. An alabaster unicorn mare was sprawled across the bed, her violet mane and tail drifting slowly as she inhaled and exhaled, every breath sending ripples across her coat. Her body was lightly dusted with powdered sapphire, which shimmered in the flickering light of the candles. Her eyes were half-lidded; not from fatigue, but from contentment. The edges of her mouth were just the slightest bit upturned. Her tongue slipped out of her mouth and around her lips.
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
Wow, Spike, this isn't half bad. There are a few descriptions that are a bit cliched as far as romantic literature goes (you've obviously taken inspiration from some rather famous but heavily imitated works), but on the whole you do a good job of setting the scene and describing the object of the narrator's attention. Although it's rather transparent that you're talking about Rarity here, so this could easily come across as rather creepy. In any case the scene itself is pretty good, although it doesn't exactly stand on its own very well. We have no idea how the narrator got in this position. You might want to explain that a bit.
He couldn't answer. There was no answer. He had spent his whole life waiting to see that which now lay before him. There was not a single reason to put it off a moment longer. And yet, he found himself unable to move an inch. It was as if his eyes refused to be torn away from her. Not even a blink. The mare raised a delicate hoof and beckoned him.
"Please, dear. Won't you come?
That's what she said!
...sorry. Back to the story.
He swallowed and took a step forward, finally remembering to take a breath. She responded, gently shifting her body, sending a glimmering cloud of gemstone dust into the air. She faced him, and reclined once more, sliding her forehooves down the curves of her body. A lump formed in the young dragon's throat as her hooves reached her flanks. She pushed against her own hips, gently drawing them apart, revealing the gentle curves of her ovaries.
Aaaaaand we have a problem. I think it's worth noting here that the ovary is an internal sexual organ. As in, it's on the inside of the body. If you ever see a mare with her ovaries visible, you should get her to a doctor right away. There are a ton of other organs that would make a lot more sense in this context. I'd explain it, but I think I need some preparation before I can do the subject justice.
The smile on her face turned lustful.
"Do you like the view?" she asked.
The dragon could only nod.
"Well, don't just look." She raised an eyebrow and scooped up a bit of sapphire dust, and sprinkled it over her uterus. "Care for a taste?"
Under normal circumstances, a mare isn't going to be able to put anything on her uterus. Nor is it a good idea. They could get some serious infections. Again, there are other, better, things you could use here.
He nodded dumbly. Surely it would be the most delicate, decadent, sumptuous flavor that had ever touched his tongue. He knelt, placing his claws gently against the curves of her thighs. She shivered as she felt his breath against her nether regions. He leaned forward. He could hardly breathe as his tongue brushed ever so gently against the lips of her cervix.
No, no, no! Unless she's spreading really wide, there's no way for someone to lick her cervix! And cervixes don't have lips anyway. At least I don't think they do. I'm not entirely sure.
It tasted like pure bliss; every memory of every delicious morsel that he had ever tasted flooded into his mind. This surpassed them all. Sweet, tart, savory; it was every form of every flavor he had ever tasted and enjoyed rolled into one. But the taste meant nothing. What mattered was that it was her taste; that he had the privilege of experiencing her in such a manner.
"Enough of this," she said. "This is far too one-sided. We must belong fully to each other!" She reached out, lifting him up. She put a hoof against his chest and slid it down his boy, feeling the ridges of scales. Lower, lower, she reached a gap in his armor. He began to sweat. She smiled. "We will become one."
He could feel his heartbeat reverberating through his nether regions. Her eyes watched intently as she coaxed his member from its hiding place.
Huh, that's an... interesting fact about dragon anatomy. Although it is common knowledge that reptiles have a genital sheath, so I guess I should've seen it coming. Still, it's just weird to hear you talk about it like that. It's so odd.
She pulled him closer, guiding him into her. It couldn't be real. It was impossible. He couldn't believe it. That they were together the most intimate manner that they could possibly be. That their bodies were within each other. That he could feel her Fallopian tubes against his penis.
Okay, this just baffles me. Pretty much no romance novel ever mentions fallopian tubes, so I have to assume that you learned the term from an anatomy text. But the thing is, every single anatomy book I know has diagrams that illustrate that fallopian tubes are an internal construct. So I'm not sure where on earth you learned the term without knowing what it actually is.
Also, the fact that you refer to the male genitalia in a rather indirect way up to this point makes the last sentence of this section a bit of a mood breaker.
She gasped as he thrust into her, every movement eliciting a moan. They looked into each other's eyes. They needed more. The pony arched her back and began to blow him as they fucked.
Okay, apparently this pony (who totally isn't Rarity or anything) doesn't have a spine, and can also phase through her own body, because otherwise it's physically impossible to give someone a blowjob while having sex with them. Unless another weird quirk of dragon anatomy is having a second penis, in which case I don't want to know. If that is the case, you might want to specify that, because I'm pretty sure not even Princess Celestia would know that. I'm not sure whether she'd want to know, though.
In any case, I'm going to make the somewhat more sensible assumption that dragons only have a single penis, and that you just don't entirely understand what a blowjob is. I'm not about to take the time to explain it, but you really shouldn't try to write about it without understanding exactly how it works.
And another thing, your descriptions are generally quite artistic, so suddenly using a vulgarity like "fuck" out of nowhere really doesn't fit.
He had to return the favor. He leaned forward and began to gently caress her vulva with his tongue.
I guess the dragon doesn't have a spine, either. Okay, at least this is kinda something that could happen. The vulva is something that he could lick. Unfortunately, a certain other part of his body is in the way of that, so in this specific circumstance it's not really possible.
She smiled at him and began to felch as he began to blow her oviduct.
There is so much wrong with this that I don't even know where to start. It's physically impossible to give a female a traditional blowjob, the oviducts, like so many other pieces of anatomy you've mentioned, are internal, and felching is impossible before you... you know what? I'm not even going to start. Needless to say, it makes absolutely no sense in this context. You're having the characters perform a whole litany of physically impossible actions. Anyone who knows even a little bit about sexual anatomy is going to be laughing their heads off at this.
"I'm coming," she said as he had sex with her anus.
Okay, I think I'm going to stop here. After reading this, I think it's high time we actually had a talk about sex. I admit I've been putting it off for far longer than I should have. There's no way it isn't going to be a thoroughly awkward experience for both of us, and I know very little bordering on nothing about how dragon sexuality functions. Although now it seems I really must explain some things to you, because you clearly have some... interesting notions of exactly what sex involves, and I feel somewhat obligated to explain exactly how things work. Although I'm not sure I'm up to it. Perhaps somepony else might be better suited to the job. Maybe Princess Celestia; she more or less raised you after all.
That said, you have a decent ability to write prose; it's quite obviously your first attempt, but I think that if you put the effort in, you could become quite the author. It isn't perfect by any means, but it's better than a lot of the other... stuff I've proofread. But even so, I think you should pick different subject matter to write about until you actually learn a bit more about anatomy. So I recommend that you write about libraries or something that you have firsthand experience with.
A secondary concern is that this seems to be a pretty obvious self-insert story involving yourself in Rarity, which is... to be honest, it's a little creepy. Granted, at least the stuff you attempted to describe is consensual, which is good, but even so I don't think I'd let Rarity see it. Then again, in light of recent interactions with Rarity, she might not think so badly about reading erotic fiction about herself. In any case, you should be careful.
I'm leaving this on your bed, so I know you saw it. I know it'll be weird, but we really do need to talk things over.
I guess I should have figured that it would only be a matter of time before one of my friends let it slip that I'd helped proofread their stories. I should preface my comments by saying that I'm really not a fan of the subject matter. I'll try to not let it affect my advice too much, but I can't promise anything.
You are a unicorn mare.
Well, I am a unicorn mare, but what if an earth pony or pegasus reads this story? Or a stallion? The second person storytelling could be problematic if the character described doesn't match up with the reader. It's really hard for say, a male earth pony to identify with a character, even if they are being identified as "you". Granted, such a pony might just not be within your target audience, but you should be aware that you might be dramatically narrowing the scope of your readers.
Your appearance is quite generic. You aren't particularly attractive, but you're hardly ugly either. Most ponies consider you to be a bit odd. The more charitable ponies would identify you as being rather eccentric and having some odd interests. The less charitable (and more blunt) ponies would just call you weird. This is likely because you have Interests. Or more specifically, one particular interest, one that most ponies would find rather odd.
Humans!
...I should have known.
Truly, the human is the most intriguing of the mythological creatures which fill the annals of history. Bipeds, their sense of balance so highly attuned that they can stride to and fro, skip and jump, upright and tall! They need no coats, displaying the smoothness of their skin too all. The fingers! As dexterous as any unicorn's telekinesis, alleviating any need for magic! How could anypony not find themselves curious about such creatures? Naturally, you have dedicated a not-inconsiderable portion of your time to the study of humans.
At first this interest was merely academic. You found the idea interesting, even as a filly. Before you even had your cutie mark, you had made several trips to the local library to look up books about the legendary creatures. Ever since you first glimpsed an illustration of the wondrous beasts, they have captivated you. You would have expected that you would have perhaps gotten a cutie mark somehow related to humans, but nope. You got something else. What it is doesn't matter, because despite it normally being a life-defining epiphany, in your case it didn't have anything to do with humans. Which is weird, because humans are definitely your main interest.
Most ponies are a bit weirded out by your interest in humans, because it transcends what might be considered a normal interest. While most ponies consider humans a simple mythological creature, you know better. There are humans in Equestria. Unfortunately, ponies who actually accept this fact are few and far between. The majority ignores the ever-mounting evidence. They reject the numerous records of human existence; the footprints, the photos, the underground complexes, far too complicated for mere animals to construct. Foals, all of them! The evidence is overwhelming, at least for those who acknowledge it.
Granted, nopony is sure where the humans dwell now. Some believe that they simply moved from their underground layers into deeper caves. Personally, you believe that they vacated the caves altogether, preferring to move to otherwise uninhabited areas that ponies wouldn't dwell in. For example, the Everfree forest. Few ponies would dare set hoof within it, and those that do try to get out as quickly as possible. Only the bravest would dare remain there long enough to search in earnest for the elusive human.
You've been intending to make an expedition into the Everfree, but you've had trouble finding companions. There are only two other human believers in Ponyville, and they're both inextricably tied to the foolish notion that humans remained in their underground lairs despite tons of evidence that this is not the case. But that's not important.
If that's not important, why did you spend so much time talking about it? None of this stuff has anything to do with the actual story. It's filler, and what's more it's filler that probably won't appeal to anyone who isn't a cryptozoologist. I guess some explanation is necessary, but you should really trim it down. Thought it is quite well-written, which is much better than I can say for most things.
It's a pretty much regular day. You wake up, eat breakfast, and go outside. It's a nice day. It's not too hot or cold, and it doesn't look like rain. In fact, there isn't a cloud in the sky. Which makes it even weirder that you see something falling from the sky. You can't really see it very clearly. It's so far away that it's really just a speck. At first you think maybe it's a bird or something, but it's falling rather than flying. Birds usually don't do that. Whatever the thing is that's falling lands in a bush that's in the middle of nowhere. You decide to go check it out. It might be the only evidence of the elusive Flying Dodo!
That's my (your? her? I'm not sure how to address this) first thought? That it's a mythological bird? There dozens of more likely explanations. A pegasus that collided with something, some sort of implement that fell off of a pegasus moving wagon, the Cutie Mark Crusaders building a trebuchet... a Flying Dodo is pretty low on the list of possibilities.
You approach the bush with caution. Flying Dodos are renowned for their beak strength and you don't want to be pecked. But to your surprise, what you find sticking out of the bush tells you that it's definitely not a Flying Dodo.
I really shouldn't be surprised by that.
Sticking out of the bush was a hand! With fingers! You resist the urge to run over and grab it. You want to, sure, but you don't know if it's real. It wouldn't be the first time that somepony planted a fake human body part in a bush to mess with you. If you aren't careful you might not realize that you're getting worked up over a Nightmare Night prop. You aren't going to let that happen again.
Speaking from experience? I vaguely remember the CMC attempting to build a human out of random garbage and then bring it to life with a lightning bolt. They might have used a rubber hand as one of the components. Matter of fact, I think you inspired them to make the attempt.
You sniff at the hand. It doesn't smell like rubber. In fact it smells rather good. Just like a human ought to smell. It sure doesn't look like any fake human hand you've ever seen before. Granted, those are usually shriveled and old and mummified, but still, this one doesn't look fake at all. It looks alive. Which is good. Dissecting a human would certainly give you some interesting information, but you'd rather have a live one. Then you could talk to it, and not have to dissect it. You don't do well with blood and guts and stuff.
Ew. Would you really dissect a human if you found one? On second thought, don't answer that.
You use your telekinesis to gently push aside a few of the branches. Your heart almost jumps out of your chest. You can't believe it. Lying in the bush is a 100% real, bonafide human!
Of course it is.
You quickly throw the human over your shoulders and drag him back to your abode.
Um, you might want to actually describe the human a bit. You know, for those of us who aren't familiar with human lore? Also, how do you know it's a male human? And is he alive, dead, what?
You need to get him inside before he regains consciousness. You have to examine him before he escapes, or before anypony else sees him. It's common knowledge among those who study humans that the Government is ever vigilant, waiting to swoop in and confiscate any evidence of human presence. It's theorized that somewhere in the Canterlot archives is a secret door. That secret door is a decoy that simply leads to a sealed room with a stink bomb. However, there is another secret door, and this one leads to a hidden archive where all of the evidence of humans is stored. No one is quite sure exactly why Celestia insists on hoarding it. It was briefly believed that perhaps Luna would be more forthcoming, but so far nopony has heard anything from her either.
I've been to the Canterlot archives before, and there isn't any secret wing. And no, it's not "just what they want me to think." I looked for secret passages (there was a rumor that there was a hidden "adult spell" wing, okay?) and I never found squat. If I couldn't find it there's no way that any of your "Human Biologist" buddies would have found it. I know that library better than the librarians do.
You get him back to your house, and lock all the doors and close all the windows. You also tie the human to a chair, for safety reasons. Theories abound concerning human behavior, but no observation has lasted long enough to confirm that humans are not dangerous. Satisfied that the human isn't going anywhere, you pull out your notebook and begin to record your findings. You also take pictures, because nopony has ever gotten such a chance to examine a real, live human! The ponies at the meetings will never believe this! you think. But you have evidence. Nopony will laugh at you now!
Just going to comment, knowing your... reputation, this is going to sound like blatant wish fulfillment. The concept of the story is solid, but you'll need to be careful with the execution.
You record the human's clothing. Humans typically wear clothes all the time, even when they don't need to. It's quite odd. Human culture sure is weird. Anyway, this particular specimen is wearing a shirt, which is pretty normal. Also shoes. They're a bit odd shaped; designed to fit the rather odd shape of the human foot. The... thing on the bottom half of his body is something else. It's like a shirt, but for the bottom half, with weird sleeve tubey things that go around each leg. Sure, humans don't have tails, but still, that can't be comfortable. You decide that you should try to make him a little more comfortable. You start to ease the weird butt-shirt thing off of the human's body.
Oh Celestia please tell me this isn't going where I think that it's going.
You get the butt-shirt off and find another smaller set of them on underneath. Weird. You start to get them off, but then the human begins to move! He's waking up! He blinks a few times, yawns, and starts to talk. And you can understand him somehow! He says, "Ow, my head. What's going on? Where am I?" He looked down and sees that his butt-shirt is mostly off. "What are you doing?"
I can't wait to see how he reacts to getting stripped by the protagonist. This ought to be good. Taking someone else's clothes off without them wanting you to is sort of weird.
"Just getting these off!" you say, and hold up the butt-shirt. "They didn't look very comfortable."
"Oh, okay," he says.
Wait wait wait. Shouldn't he be a bit more... I don't know, bewildered by his predicament? If humans are so absurdly elusive that no confirmed record of one even exists, shouldn't he be a bit more concerned that he's been captured? It contradicts pretty much everything you've said about humans so far.
"You want me to take these off, too?" you say, gesturing at the small butt-shirt that's under his regular butt-shirt.
"Sure," he says with a shrug.
"So what's this little hole in the front for?" you ask. There's a small flap in the front of them for some reason. It looks kinda weird. Then again, the butt-shirt itself is pretty weird, but at least they kinda make sense in regard to human biology. In fact, the large butt-shirt has the same hole, but those have a zipper on them. Weird.
"Oh, that's so I can pee without taking them off," the human says. "It's pretty convenient."
"Okay, that makes sense, I guess," you say. You don't quite see how that would help all that much, so you shrug and start pulling off the mini-butt-shirt. They pop off, and you get your first glimpse of the ever-elusive human penis.
You do not know how tempted I am to close this right now and demand that you pay me for having to read this. If I find just one illustration, I am dumping this right into the fireplace.
Your first reaction is surprise. Unlike a horse penis, the human penis just sort of hangs out there, sort of like a really dangly mushroom. Same for the testicles; they're just sort of dangling in the breeze. Which there isn't, because you closed up all the windows. Basically, the human penis is kinda weird looking.
I'm not sure whether to laugh or be sick.
Although despite that, you find it strangely intriguing.
Sick. Definitely sick.
"So that's what a human dick looks like!" you say. There have been all sorts of theories about what human dongs are like, with the two leading theories being that their dicks are basically pony-like in nature (which is foolish; as humans would belong to an entirely different taxonomic class) or monkey-like (which is far more logical). Turns out it's the latter, for obvious reasons. Although it lacks the spines that some monkey dicks have.
Well, I'll admit that I didn't know that monkey penises have spines on them. I don't know why anypony would ever want that knowledge, but I'll give you credit for actually teaching me something, even though I kinda wish you hadn't.
"Yeah, that's what a human dick looks like," says the human. He winks at you. "Want to try it out?"
Lyra, seriously, what the fuck? In what universe is this an even remotely plausible sequence of events? It makes no sense! Why on earth would this human, who you've basically captured, inexplicably offer to let you sexually molest him!? Seriously, explain this to me. I thought humans were supposed to be secretive and obscure and wary of ponies! It doesn't exactly gel with the "hey, wanna blow me?" attitude this guy has.
I mean, if part of your theories about human culture were that they were like super-open about sex or whatever, it would kinda be something that you could work with. Like maybe do an analysis of the cultural dissonance or something. But even that would require that you actually characterize the human a bit, which is apparently at cross-purposes with this blatant wish fulfillment. I really can't think of any other reason for events to play out this way, aside from the fact that you're into that kind of thing. I mean, if that's what floats your boat, okay, but the fact that you wanted me to proofread it implies that you actually have some desire to actually make this into a good story. If you do want something half decent you can't let your fetishes utterly overtake any semblance of plot or characterization! Unless you want to make it a comedy. In that case, you can do whatever the hay you want as long as it's funny.
"You mean, like..." You nod towards your nether regions, which are already tingling a bit at the prospect of being the first pony to not only find a real life human, but the first pony to bang a real live human! "Like, put it in me?"
He nods and grins at you.
You grin back. "Okay!"
Sure! Fine! Go ahead and ignore the possibility of biological incompatibility or disease! Never mind the fact that this may very well be illegal. Don't even think about how any sort of social relationship between ponies and humans might be completely screwed up due to you starting it off with sex! No way that could ever lead to diplomatic issues down the road if humans ever make themselves known! Yeah, this totally isn't going to backfire. Oh well, at least you won't have to worry about getting pregnant.
You clamor on top of him, rather awkwardly of course, because you're rather flustered and you're all hooves right now. You hope it doesn't bother him, but he doesn't seem to unhappy. He's quite patient, apparently. You wonder if that's a human thing or just this guy in particular. You'd have to get more humans to test that theory.
That's what you're thinking about now? And does "this guy" ever get a name?
You gasp as his human penis slips inside you. It's a bit smaller than a pony penis, and it's a bit smoother, but it still feels really good, because hey, it's a penis.
Do you really need to specify that it's a human penis? I mean, what other kind would it be? We know he's a human, after all.
Since he's still tied to the chair, he can't really hump very well, so you have to make up for it by doing the humping yourself. Which is fine with you. You always liked to get your hips into it. You bounce up and down on his lap, his dick going in and out of you. You gasp with each movement. The human is smiling. He's obviously enjoying this a great deal. Of course he is. You know how to use your crotch. Then you feel it. He grunts, and you suddenly realize that when humans cum they do pretty much the same thing that stallions do.
That's it!? You wrote this entire thing just so you could have a scene where a pony bangs a human and this is the climax? And I use that term loosely because there is no climax here! This is one of the most underwhelming sex scenes I've ever read! And I've read some real winners. But seriously, at least they were entertaining in their badness! But this... this is just... I...ARRRGH!
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
Okay, okay, calming down. This whole thing is just... I don't know. It's pretty obviously written solely for you to get off to the idea of having sex with a human, but even in that regard the story is a bit lackluster. The sex basically appears out of nowhere, and the human's only purpose is to give you an opportunity to talk about humans and then have sex with him. He has no personality to speak of, and we don't even get a physical description! He's more of a plot device than a character. It's not very interesting, so unless the reader is into the whole xenophilia thing the story isn't going to do much for anypony.
As much as it pains me to say this, you should really describe the sex in more detail. More sensations, more feeling, and more emotion for both characters involved. The way things are now, they're just sort of banging for no real reason. It's so absurdly casual that it barely makes any sense. No one has any motivation. At the beginning there's a bit of tension when the protagonist finds the human, but after that it kinda all falls apart and things just sort of happen for no reason.
Also, the 2nd person thing is kinda distracting because every time the story goes "you (do thing)" my first reaction is "but I wouldn't do that!" Identifying the reader as "you" doesn't help much when most readers wouldn't take that course of action. It jolts the reader out of the story in a way that wouldn't happen if you were writing in third person. Long story short, the story just isn't very engaging. The characterization is nonexistent, and the plot is basically just an excuse for you to ramble about humans and have a sex scene involving one. Given that the sex scene is underwhelming due to a lack of detail, you might want to give it some more spice. I'll admit, I might be a bit biased here due to the subject matter and I might have been a bit harsh, but seriously, it does need an editing pass.
That said, it's not all bad. You certainly have a better grasp of grammar and how to write than most authors I've proofread for. The technical aspects are mostly solid, it's just that the story you're using them to convey is a bit lackluster. And even that could be solved just by fleshing out the existing scenes a bit. What little description you do have is interesting, and I'd like to see more of it. Your enthusiasm for the subject matter (however much it weirds me out) also shows, which is nice; it shows that you can convey the feelings you want. Most authors struggle a lot with that. You just need to worry about getting a few other emotions into the mix besides that enthusiasm.
Okay, let's get on to the last few bits.
A Few Weeks Later
The human has been secretly living with you for a few weeks, answering your questions and generally filling in the gaps in your knowledge. As well as certain other gaps. Soon he'll be leaving to go back home. It's so sad that he'll be leaving, but he gave you more than enough information to confirm the existence of humans. It might even be the start of genuine human/pony relations! But you aren't thinking about that now. Something else has been on your mind. You checked it last night. And again this morning just to be sure.
You clear your throat, and speak. "I have something I need to tell you," you say.
He looks at you, waiting for you to speak.
Your voice cracks as you force the words out. "I- I'm pregnant."
...
......
...........What?
Are you..... are you serious?
But..the biology.... it doesn't..... that can't possibly be.....THAT CAN'T HAPPEN!! IT'S BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!!
Oh forget it, I'm not even going to think about it any more. Let me know when you address my critiques and I'll see if I can help any more.
I'm going to go take a nap now and hope I don't dream about humans.
