Farting is Magic
Who Farted?
It had to happen. It just had to happen at that moment. Apple Bloom looked around the room, trying not to look embarrassed. All of the other fillies in her class were bursting out into laughter due to their sheer immaturity. All of the fillies were getting a kick out of it, all of them, except for Apple Bloom.
Earlier that day, all of the foals were on the playground right outside of the schoolhouse. It was before school, and they would be trapped sitting down in a room for seven hours, so they might as well get all of their energy out now.
However, that isn’t what was happening today. Today, all of the foals were crowded around one of the picnic tables. There were two fillies, staring into each other’s eyes, as if they were angry at one another. They weren’t. It was just a friendly little milk chugging competition. All of the students were watching, but only two were competing at a time.
The two fillies now competing were Coronet and Cyan Skies. The stare went on for a quite a while, until one of the other ponies yelled “Go!” They went straight for their individual cartons of milk, and started drinking as fast as they can. Coronet finished first, keeping her rank of the “undefeated champion.” Everyone applauded and cheered.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were also in the crowd of spectators.
Sweetie Belle nudged Apple Bloom on the shoulder, “Apple Bloom, you should totally try this!” She urged.
Apple Bloom shrugged, “Ah don’ know...”
“Come on! If you beat Coronet, then you’ll be a living legend of the school!” Scootaloo chimed in.
“Awright, Ah guess Ah’ll give it a shot.” Apple Bloom gave in.
Feather Weight hopped up on the table, as Cyan Skies walked away, “Any new contestants to take on the undefeated champion?” He asked with great enthusiasm.
“She will!” Sweetie Belle shouted, taking Apple Bloom’s hoof and lifting it up.
Apple Bloom took her seat, and Feather Weight hopped off the table. He placed two milk cartons in front of the fillies.
“Ready?” Feather Weight confirmed. “Set… Go!”
Apple Bloom brought the milk to her lips, and as did her opponent. She began to drink very fast.
A cinch. That’s what that contest could be summed up to. Apple Bloom grows up on a farm. She learns to do these kinds of things. In fact, she slammed her carton to the table, finished, long before Coronet did. She was the champion.
Coronet looked sad as the rest of the school ponies were cheering for Apple Bloom for her impressive feat. However, their celebration was cut off by the school bell chiming, signaling that it was time for school to begin. The crowd quieted down and walked into the school, congratulating Apple Bloom in the way there.
Two hours of painstaking education later, a lecture on the pre-classical era was taking place by Cheerilee, the teacher. All of a sudden, a sound emanated through the room. The sound came from Apple Bloom. Everyone went silent. Then, as fast as the silence fell, laughter swept across the room. It was the sound of a fart.
Well, that brings us to now.
Apple Bloom, being the only one not laughing at her own fart, was looking suspicious. After all, the foals didn’t know it was hers.
“Class, class, that’s enough.” Cheerilee tried to bring order.
As soon as the giggling ceased, a duplicate of the same sound occurred. The laughing came again, just as fast as before. Apple Bloom began to blush in embarrassment. The laughing came to a close and was replaced with sounds of disgust.
“Ewww!”
“That smells awful!”
“Who farted?”
“Aw, man! Sick!”
“Dear merciful god!”
All of these things came from their voices. They all covered their muzzles to escape the smell. Even Apple Bloom, who too smelled the fart. Cheerilee tried not to cover her muzzle in order to not offend whoever made fart.
“Now class, bowel movements are just another part of life.” Cheerilee tried to settle down her class. “It’s nothing worth laughing about, nor feeling ashamed about!” She tried to get the subject back to the lesson, “Now, back to the invention of the compass…”
Five more grueling hours of embarrassment. Apple Bloom endured them all, but just barely. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could hide that she was making these farts. Farts for her have come occasionally, but never have they been this frequent, and not to mention, smelly.
Apple Bloom stared at the clock for the last minute of school. The second the bell chimed, signaling that it was time to leave, she was the first one to bolt out the door. She did so even before Cheerilee told the class to have a nice rest of the day.
She took a mad dash for her home, until she was stopped halfway by Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. They ran in front of her, forcing her to stop.
“Apple Bloom, what’s the matter with you?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Yeah, you haven’t said anything in class all day. Plus, you’re rushing home now. What’s up?” Scootaloo added.
“Well, uhh... Ah….” Apple Bloom couldn’t tell anyone she was farting the whole school day. Not even her best friends! “Ah need ta… help Applejack wittha farm. She was really antsy ‘bout it this mornin’ too! So Ah gotta get home, or she’ll have mah head!”
Just then, Apple Bloom farted again.
“What was that sound?” Scootaloo asked, looking around her.
She kicked the ground. “So… Ah gotta get goin’, see ya tomorrow, bye!” With that, Apple Bloom rushed off before the sound could be traced to her.
Finally, she had arrived at her house. A shelter where she would not be judged! Rushing to her room, she closed the door behind her quickly and forcefully. She let out a fart she had been holding in. However, reality reached her. She knew she couldn’t stay in this room forever, but how can she go outside? She will surely fart, and ponies will laugh. She sat down on her bed, conflicted. She then looked to her left.
A fake mustache caught her attention. It was lying on her bed, because she discarded it quickly after a crusading attempt. Operation: “Cutie Mark Crusaders Con Masters” didn’t work as expected. Her and her friends were chased around town by an angry stallion, who they had just practically robbed.
A sinister smile grew upon Apple Bloom’s face, as she hopped off the bed. She opened her closet, and grabbed a brown fedora, sunglasses, and a trench coat. These were from another failed crusader mission. Operation: “Cutie Mark Crusaders Fashion Models” didn’t end well either. Let’s just say that tomatoes taste good, but not when they’re hurled at your face.
After collecting these clothes, she put them on. Finally, she applied the pièce de résistance, the mustache. Now she looked like a completely different pony! She looked ridiculous nonetheless, but still, different! A triumphant smile replaced her sinister one. However, that smile faded when she realized that she had no idea where she was going.
She began to pace back and forth, “Well, Ah got tha costume, but now where am Ah going ta go ta check this problem out?” Apple Bloom thought for a good minute, “Ah ha! Zecora! She’ll know what to do! She can whip up a potion fer any kind of problem!”
Apple Bloom rushed out the door, trying not to be seen by her family, and made a bee line for Everfree forest.
Apple Bloom barged into her zebra friend’s house. Zecora was walking around her hut, collecting ingredients, and then tossing them into her cauldron in the middle of the room. She didn’t seem to notice Apple Bloom’s presence quite yet.
Apple Bloom took a slow step forward, “Zecora?” She interrupted.
Zecora jumped at the surprise and turned around to see Apple Bloom.
“Oh Apple Bloom, you got me quite scared. Maybe next time I should be more prepared.” Zecora rhymed, as she always does.
“Ya saw through mah disguise?” She shook away the disbelief. “Zecora! Ah’ve a huge problem! Ah-” Apple Bloom was cut off by one of her own farts. She looked down in shame. “Ah need ya ta fix that…”
Zecora chuckled at the passiveness of the situation, “That is not a problem I can’t fix!” She picked up a circular pill that she had crafted herself. “Just let me ready this mix.” She said, grabbing a mortar and pestle. Zecora smashed up the pill. Then, she added some unknown liquid that came out of a bottle. She grinded a bit more, then poured the solution to a small wooden bowl.
Zecora placed the bowl on a table, and Apple Bloom slowly walked towards it.
“What is it?” Apple Bloom asked.
“It’s merely a mixture of my own creation. Gulp it all down with no hesitation.” Zecora answered.
Apple Bloom quickly grabbed the bowl in her mouth and drank everything to its last drop.
“Did it werk?” Apple Bloom asked excitingly.
“It should if have done it correct-” Zecora was cut off by Apple Bloom’s fart. “I guess it didn’t take any effect…”
“Zecora, you have to try something else! I can’t go on like this forever!” Apple Bloom sounded desperate.
“Unfortunately, I have no more solutions. Come back later, and I might figure out a substitution.” Zecora admitted.
“But-”
“I’m also running out of rhymes, you know. I think it’s about time you should really go.”
Apple Bloom slowly trotted out the door as Zecora went back to her cauldron.
Apple Bloom ran through Ponyville, trying to think of her next destination, if any. If Zecora couldn’t figure it out, then who could? There was only one other pony she knew who was smarter than Zecora.
“Twilight!” Apple Bloom yelled to herself, looking like an idiot in front of several ponies. She dashed off to Twilight’s tree house.
When she got there, she knocked on the door violently and quickly. Spike was there to open up the door.
“Oh, hey Apple Bloom-” Spike was cut off by Apple Bloom rushing past him to get inside the library.
“Is Twilight home?” She asked quickly, looking all over the place.
Spike shut the door, “Yeah, hold on.” He took a breath, “Twilight, Apple Bloom is here for you!” Spike shouted for Twilight.
Twilight emerged from the top of the staircase. She looked down at a worried Apple Bloom.
“Oh, hi Apple Bloom. You can come up stairs.” Twilight offered as she went back up the stairs.
Apple Bloom followed her. Twilight was sitting at her desk, writing something. She turned around when she noticed Apple Bloom was in the same room as her.
“So, what’s up Apple Bloom?” Twilight asked.
“Well… Ah kind of…” It was hard for Apple Bloom to admit it.
“Is it your first crush?” Twilight guessed. “Oh, I know that feeling. Who’s the lucky colt?”
“No!” Apple Bloom shook her head. “Tha problem is,-” Apple Bloom farted. “That… Ah’ve been havin’… gas all day. It’s really ‘mbarrassing, Twilight! You’ve gotta halp me!”
“Hmm… Okay, I think I can help you. Just tell me everything that happened today.” Twilight ordered.
So, Apple Bloom told Twilight everything that happened right from the second that she woke up.
“That’s everythin’ that happened today. Ah jus’ can’t connect any dots.” Apple Bloom bent over from a sudden stomach pain.
“Huh…” Twilight thought. “Does your stomach hurt right now?”
“Yes.”
“So this started when you were in the middle of school?”
“Tha’s right.”
Twilight started to laugh, “Apple Bloom, there’s nothing wrong with you! You’re just lactose intolerant!”
“Lack of toast what now?” Apple Bloom was confused.
“It means that when you drink or eat dairy, you get gas and stomach pains.” Twilight explained.
“When did Ah hafe any dairy?”
“The milk before school that you chugged, remember?”
“Oh… So, all ‘a that is jus’ ‘cause Ah’m ‘lactose intolerant?’”
“That’s right! Your little flatulence problem should blow over in an hour or so.” Twilight assured.
“Well, now Ah feel silly. Ah wasted all this time tryin’ ta figure out a problem that was nothin’.” Apple Bloom looked out the window to see that the day was almost over. “An’ I still hafe a ton ‘a homework ta do!” She remembered as she ran downstairs and out the door, yelling, “Thanks a bundle Twilight!”