"Holy Cucumbered Daisy, Mare-Do-Well!" said Trixie.
THE ULTIMATE KINDS OF REVENGE
Written by That Gamer!
This is some kind of nonsensical fanfiction
"...It's been thirty minutes," Applejack stated. "Does anypony have any idea what we could do if Twilight gets turned into an alicorn in season 3?"
"I think we threw all those up in the first five minutes," Twilight replied with a shrug.
"Well then buck," Applejack groaned.
Here's the set-up: The mane six were in the first floor of Twilight's house. Good? Moving on.
"We can't do it," Applejack continued after the narration was done.
"We probably could," Fluttershy spoke up. "We probably just..."
"Probably what?" Rainbow interrupted the only other pegasus in the room (if you don't count "Pinkie = pegasus" fics). "We've practically been here for three hours!"
"I just thought that..." Fluttershy began to mumble, but stopped when she realized Rainbow was absolutely right.
Rarity sighed in annoyance. "Not to be rude, but can we please stop this trivial pursuit?" she enquired.
"NO!" Twilight snapped. "You guys said you'd be here until we came up with something episode worthy!"
"We're airing 'Magical Mystery Cure', aren't we?" Applejack reminded Twilight.
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"It's like somepony's fanfiction got mixed in with the actual scripts," AJ explained. "Same goes for 'Keep Calm And Flutter On' and that comic we started running."
"Hey, at least it's doing the 'Chrysalis wants revenge' plot right," Twilight argued.
"She's kinda got you there," Rarity commented with a shrug.
"Admittedly," Applejack agreed.
They were about to move on (and notice that Pinkie wasn't there), when Trixie suddenly came barrelling into the front door. Note I said into.
"That still isn't funny!" Trixie shouted. The door slowly opened and Trixie flopped in. "Does anypony agree with Trixie?" Dead silence. "No? OK, Trixie's just gonna come in, she guesses."
"...Now that whatever the author considers comedy is over, what are you doing here?" Twilight asked. "And this take place before or after Into The Blender Of Two Minds?"
"After, so don't say a damn word about it," Trixie quickly answered. "Anyways, Trixie is not here to talk about that! She just saw the most horrific thing in Canterlot!"
"The last time we saw you, you said you were-" Twilight began.
"NO SPOILERS!"
"-so why are you screwing around in Canterlot?" Twilight finished.
"Ponies wanted another story where Trixie wants revenge," Trixie sighed.
"...AND?" the five other ponies said in unison.
"Well... Trixie can summarize it like this," Trixie said, everything fading into white.
"Curse those fanfiction writers, humiliating Trixie by making her do revenge-esque fictions over and over again... This is the worst by far, I swear to Faust... I just hope they got the memo..." Trixie said to herself, walking into Canterlot. She was looking for Shining Armour, having gotten some kind of memo about, as stated above, another revenge fic. This one was the worst yet: Find him and buck him up the flank.
Now normally, it would be impossible to get close enough to the royal guard to screw him, but the Brony Union had more control over Equestria then the princess herself, so everything was just hunky-dory, Trixie guesses.
Moving on, she, that being Trixie went up to the castle and on top of the castle (literally on top) was the royal guards. She would've just went right in, but, surprise-surprise, this place has security. That's why I got stopped.
"Halt, you cannot just walk into the castle," one of the guards told Trixie. "That is against the law!"
Well, it seems like these too didn't get the memo. Well, time to do something stupid. Time to act (ahem) "sexy".
"Oh, come on, you guys, Trixie just needs to see Shinning Armour! She got a memo about a fanfic and it's really important!" Trixie said, putting on her best seductive tone and pose. Trixie tried as hard she could, almost going a little overboard, showing off her “marehood” to the guards. Dear Faust, that was embarrassing.
"Miss Lulamoon, are you trying to seduce us?" one guard enquired. "Because that is not gonna work, right Phil?... Phil?"
Phil wanted to buck Trixie so bad that he fainted.
"...Phil?" the first guard muttered after a while.
"Um.. Should Trixie-" Trixie tried to begin, but got cut off.
"He's not breathing!" the first guard, who Trixie thinks is named Electric Salt, exclaimed, hugging Phil's body. "YOU KILLED HIM! YOU SEDUCED HIM TO DEATH!"
"Um... Trixie is sorry?" Trixie tried to apologize.
"Just... Go in! You cold blooded b!tch!" Salt sobbed. He added quietly to himself, "He had a week until retirement... Actually, he didn't... But still... Phil..."
Well, moving on from that bit of depression...
"You killed an innocent guard?!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Ah thought yah reformed," Applejack said disapprovingly.
"Trixie said herself that he was apparently seduced to death," Trixie repeated herself. "Now, if you'll let her carry on..."
"Yes, just get on with it," Rainbow Dash sighed. "Again, it's more entertaining then Alicorn Twilight."
"Hey!"
Eventually, Trixie found Shining Armour. It was now or never, Trixie guessed.
"Hello, my name is Trixie... You probably know me, but felt like telling you," Trixie said to Shining. "Anyways, a little while ago, Trixie got a letter about making a story about me bucking you."
"Really? I thought was off the month... How did you get in, anyways?" Shining asked.
Trxie chuckled nervously."Well, one kind of has a problem when it comes to mares..." she answered nervously, pointing at said guards.
"Yeah, Phil's kind of an idiot like that," Shining reassured Trixie. "Anyways, I have nothing better to do later... Eh, why not? Come to my place in 30 minutes."
"Alright then, until then," Trixie said, walked off. She decided to shake her plot in Shining's direction for no good reason. Shining Armour obviously thought nothing of this.
*30 Minutes Later!*
Trixie was confused by the plaque on Shining Armour's front door: "This room belong to the captain of royal guards, Shining Armour. Any rapping done outside is illegal. This means YOU Autotune."
"Trixie would say that's egotistical, but it's the truth," Trixie commented. After saying that, she knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" called a high-pitched sounding Shining Armour, sounding quite singsong-ish.
"Hullo, Shining Armour? It's Trixie; she's here for that weak clopfic!" Trixie replied.
"...Oh, that!" Shining Armour said again, this time trying to make his high voice sound lower. "Um, c-can we resheducle for later? I mean, this is kind of-"
"No, no!" Trixie interrupted. "Trixie scheduled for now and she's gonna get it now!"
There was a short pause. "You never scheduled anything!"
"Too late, I'm coming in!" the magician pony shouted, using MAGICK to unlock the door and burst in. "And you're gonna- HOLY CUCUMBERED DAISY, MARE-DO-WELL!"
And you what Trixie saw? Well, Shining was female. Cadence was female. And they were in bed. Together, FYI.
"This is why I tried to stop you!" Shining told Trixie.
Normally, Trixie would have had some kind of snappy comeback, but, she was too shocked. But, eventually-
"WHY?!" Trixie yelled. "WHY ARE YOU A MARE?!"
"Because we wanted to try something and since we could, we did," Cadence, in a pretty deep voice, explained for Shining.
"I wasn't talking to you!" Trixie snapped.
"I don't think it really matters, considering both of us had the same answer," Cadence argued.
"I was gonna say that was an attempt for the featured box," Shining Armour pointed out.
"OK, so maybe our explanations were a little different..." Cadence corrected herself.
"B-but T-Trixie thought we w-were going to d-do that clopfic!" Trixie stammered. "W-why are you doing C-Cadence as a male?"
"Well, I didn't have anything to do previously," Shining Armour replied, "but Cadence suggested we switch genders to see how sex is like from the other angle."
"...Seriously, WHY?!" Trixie repeated herself. "Trixie means... This couldn't get anymore awkward!"
"I P!$$ED!" Trollestia yelled, suddenly bursting into the room.
Surely enough, awkward silence followed.
"Was that awkward enough?" Trollestia asked, to which her reply was silence. "Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go mess with the Protect Celetsia Union some more. YOLO!" With that, Trollestia left, chuckling to herself.
More awkward silence followed, Shining Armour breaking it by sighing, getting out of bed and starting to escort Trixe out. "Look, as long as this gets us featured in some way, we'll be happy."
"Hey! You can let herself show her own flank out!" Cadence exclaimed.
"B-but Trixie was going to get enough money to quit her job as a guest rapper!" Trixie whined.
"How much?" Shining asked, stopping dead.
"No, no, darling, don't ask her about bits..." Cadence groaned.
"Well, Trixie thought it was going to 838,521 originally," Trixie replied, "but it later turned out to be 838."
"Huh. It seems I'm not the only one to expect something large and get something tiny," Shining commented.
"What does that mean?" Cadence asked.
And with that... This happened: "You ever hear the phrase, a 'silo rising high'? Well her's ain't build yet! And 'tractor rublmin' by'? Must have a pretty weak engine! I noticed you got a long horn there, honey. We all know what that makes up for! And have ya ever noticed that Vinyl's dubstep has more rhythm then her? She's also like those tool I see at Home Depot - in the bargain bin!"
"...And this went on for some time, so let Trixie just tell you the moral" Trixie finished. "Appreciate what you've got, because, basically, Trixie is fantastic."
"He really just went on a tangent of d!ck jokes?" Rainbow Dash enquired.
"My brother would never do that!" Twilight shouted. "Nor would he be female!"
"He actually did," Trixie told Twilight. "Trixie does not want to tell you what Cadence did when she gave Shining his balls back."
"I find that pretty hard to believe," Applejack agreed.
"Somepony agrees would me..." Twilight muttered.
"Why would Shining Armour make a Home Depot joke?" Applejack continued.
"BUCK!"
"Well, anyways, after Cadence had her way with Shining," Trixie restarted her finished story, "she - and by 'she', I mean Cadence - paid me pretty well to keep quiet about it."
"So Cadence should be taking the money back, shouldn't she?"Rarity spoke up after quite some time.
"Nope, Trixie already spent it on something for her next show," Trixie admitted.
"And what would that be?"
"Ever seen 'The Hardest Button To Button'?" Trixie replied with a question.
There was a collective series of "No" and the like. Trixie made a snarky comment about how she expected it and went outside. The Mane 5-out-of-6 went to the window to watch (except for blind ol' Dashie) There was a drumset. She sat behind it and hit one beat. Another one appeared immediately to the left and Trixie telepor'd behind it.
"And that's what Trixie means," Trixie said with a nod.
"What is that, I don't even..." Twilight started, but stopped and sighed.
"Trixie's glad you liked it," Trixie said before hitting multiple beats in a row, doing what I explained above and causing her to ride out into the sunset... On a drumset.
"...What happened? I couldn't see!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Um, well, this thing happned with some drums..." Fluttershy tried to explain, but it was too quiet to matter.
"Ah! Fluttershy, darling, I forgot you were here!" Rarity said.
Fluttershy nodded and mumbled something.
"Look, ah don't mind that yer quiet," Applejack told the Hammerskin, "but try ta speak up every now and then so yah don't just disappear from the story!"
"I'll try to, I-I guess..." Fluttershy murmured.
Suddenly, Pinkie came out of the basement, dragging a dead body. "Hey, guys!" she shouted, catching all five's attention.
"Pinkie!" Twilight shouted back. "Where have you been?"
"I've been in the basement looking for ideas," Pinkie replied.
"And...?"
"Shut up, Nyx! Anyways, I found this fellow!" Pinkie said.
"...How's a dead body gonna help us come up with ideas?" Applejack asked.
"Considering the ideas you've been coming up with, this is bound to be ten times better!" Pinkie explained.
The other five laughed and said in unison, "That's our Pinkie!" Then they froze for the freeze frame as the Sitcom-tyle credits slowly crawled over them...
Then Spike ran in and starting raping Twilight... It's a reference! GET IT?!
CREDITS
CAST
Tara Sparks - Twilight Sparkle
Jaquilene Apel - Applejack
Rene Dashiell - Rainbow Dash
Rachel Belmont - Rarity
Felicia "Shmoozer" Shay - Fluttershy
Pinkamena Diane Pie - herself
Trixie "Zoso" Page-Plant - Trixie Lulamoon
Sean Sparks - Shining Armour
Amy Cadenza - Princess Cadence
Jack Slate - Phil
Naomi Sparks-Swing - Nyx Sparkle-Stroke
And debuting Martin "Polaroid" Webster as Electric Salt
MUSIC
"Basket Case" by The Moog Cookbook