When Hyperion has a corporate brainwave, they decide to send a random person into the body of a machine to inspect an unidentified planet. Sounds easy, right? It's harder than it looks: just make me a frickin' SATURN.
Waking up to discover you're a machine you thought fictional in an unidentified land is less fun than it sounds. Especially when you work for Hyperion. I had that same experience: except that my employers seem to be trolling me endlessly by sending me up against powerful talking horses. However, the threat of Hyperion invasion still looms: and the constant threat of inadvertently growing attached to the horses.
Error 404: Home.exe not found. Error 405: Unable to connect to Wi-Fi.
That was all I awoke to. Well, not really. More of a beaming noise, followed by-wait a minute...Creaking? My bed wasn't that badly made; even for one I made 5 years ago.
Whirring.
Whirring? What could possibly be whirring at, like, 5 in the morning? My Watch? If it is, I'd better get it o-
REBOOTING. FILES REINSTALLING. ARMOUR INTEGRITY CHECK ENGAGED. CHECKING WEAPONS. OPTICAL SENSORS ENGAGING. VOCABULATOR ENGAGING. ATTEMPTING TO RECONNECT WITH HYPERION NETWORK.
Woah. Who the hell said that? Hyperion network? I'm dreaming.
P.W.R LOADER UNIT SMP-5N ONLINE. UNABLE TO DETERMINE LOCATION. UNABLE TO CONNECT TO HYPERION NETWORK. PLEASE ATTEMPT RECONNECTION AT A LATER DATE.
Yep, I'm dreaming. Why would I be a PWR Loader? Those things are beast, and I'm no beast.
OPTICAL SENSORS FULLY ENGAGED. ACTIVATING.
A light slowly dwindled into being. Small at first, before gradually expanding from the tiny speck into a point where things were visible. More specifically, clouds. Pretty clouds. I tried to move after a few minutes of watching pretty clouds drift lazily by, yet no feedback. Barely visible, red text began to scroll in from the side of my vision, just above what seemed to be a minimap. Oh cool, a map. No wait...
Bloody hell, that was quick to activate. Who's shouting...? And how did I hear them before the mic turned on? Suddenly, a noise.
-Woof.-
Awesome, a dog. Dogs are awesome. And if I'm a PWR loader, he shall be my fearsome minion! I shall lead him to Sanctuary! The dog came into view. It wasn't a dog. It looked like a dog; it was small, and fluffy. Except it was grey and had sharp teeth.
Ha ha, I shall soon be standing. And then I can wake up. A loud hiss and clanking resonated below my vision as I felt myself lift up. I didn't lift up too fast, but still fast enough for what I was dreaming I was. Trees began to appear at the bottom of my sight, before arriving at a normal position; stood straight and tall.
CHECKING WEAPON SYSTEM: EMP. ACTIVATED. SUPPORT TOOLS: TITANIUM-A ROTORS. ACTIVATED.
Awesome, now I can kill and or maim bitches. Who challenges me first? A fearsome Vault Hunter? Agressive but deadly Threshers? I hope this dream never ends. Suddenly, a loud whupping sound caught my attention. I moved my beady optical sensor to look down, and it did so quite quickly.
My hands, if you could call them that, were exceedingly long blades of 'Titanium-A', like my new friend 'Mr System Check' told me. They were spinning rapidly round, much like the loader would do in Borderlands to kill-oh, not the dog.
What appeared to be strands of flesh were hanging from my claws/clamps, flailing around as the blades slowed. I looked down further. The fluffy, and innocent, animal was now shorn neatly in half, what appeared to have plastered on its dead face a look of-what? Fear? Shock? Sadness? I don't know. Suddenly, I spoke in a voice that was CLEARLY too badass to handle.
"Target eliminated." I proclaimed proudly. "Engaging scan for other life." A small wavelength symbol appeared beside my minimap, the word 'SCAN' marked below. As that did its thing, I decided to look around. I seemed to be in a valley of some sort, darkness from the night shrouding many details.
But, being a machine, I could see a lot. I was stood in some bushes, the blood from my recent motor spasm painting a bloody picture as it strung around the place. The plantlife, meanwhile, had fared no better; many branches from the nearby tree lay on the floor in sawdust as leaves were hammered by blades. I decide to get a better look. Stepping out of the bushes, I could see clearly where I had just been standing. Massive footprints were imprinted in the mud, and bushes were parted.
"Scan complete." the voice said again. "No life detected." However, I knew there probably was: I'd heard talking, I was in charge of this dream. I looked around closely, tiny eye rolling in its socket as I tried to pick out movement. After several minutes of mindlessly patrolling the area with rigid movements, I mentally slapped myself to wake myself up. When I didn't, I sighed, and considered the biggest cliché ever: what now?
Joints creaking and groaning in protest, I hefted the final tree I had uprooted and placed it in the right place. Now, after a good ten minutes, I had finished my bridge using my new found knowledge of construction work and architecture. The bridge was very well made, better than any I could have made as a human.
Using the spinny hands, I had carved the trees in half to form a flat surface, before beginning to hammer them into each other to create support beams. The canyon not only seemed crossable, but now crossable with style. I had even taken the liberty of carefully engraving my new name, 'SMP-5N' onto a plaque at the end. Though slim, the bridge was crafted of Boxwood (my new onboard Wikipedia told me), the sturdiest type of wood, and could support my steel/titanium/technology body with great ease.
Looking over my, erm, spinny-bladeywork, I began to tromp across it. In less than a few seconds I had made it over, my map marking everywhere I decided to trundle as I went. I'd set the valley bottom as 'Valley Bottom Point A X:0 Y:0'. Well I didn't. The computer in my head did. Making a quick note to uninstall that, I used a short jet-propelled leap onto a small platform above some rocks. It was quite simply some smooth rock that cracked when I smashed down on it, but no matter. I was in unidentified territory now; it was time to scan the landscape. Literally, scan.
CIVILIZATION DETECTED. SETTING WAYPOINT.
Nice. A small blip appeared in the corner of the map, telling me where to go. However, where I needed to go would be worthless if I never got there. Jumping down from the rock I'd perched on, my huge feet smacked down onto the mud and dry rock below. Taking a moment to acknowledge I wouldn't stumble at any point after landing, I began to tromp off into the woods.
My goal was set: I was probably not dreaming, so I'd need somewhere to lie low and try to find a way back home. I was probably going to get picked apart for so much as entering a civilized area, and that meant keeping to the shadows. So that meant following the path of nearly every single Fanfic ever written, and I began to stomp towards only a single place.
It was a large bulk of what seemed to be medieval buildings, imbedded into the mountains by some feat that disabled my logic drive momentarily. The largest of these buildings, however, looked to be some kind of palace, grand and tall. I assumed this was where the leaders of this country met and held conference.
Spinning my blades quickly as I stomped through the foliage, I began to consider if anybody else had arrived here as a loader? No. They can't have. Knowing me, I died in my sleep and this is 'paradise'. What? Trudging for hours as a two tonne robot that has spinning hand rotors and an awesome voice? That's my paradise?
I stomped up the mountain road, the night providing a rather limited cover for the 2 tonne machine with a red eye. However, if I played my cards right I could persuade the residents that I was non-hostile. Plus, my physical appearance would provide a challenge. Not letting such thoughts discourage me, I continued my trek. I noticed that my natural stance seemed to be holding my right arm at a rough 40.84° angle, and that with each step I took when not running was slow and rather gigantic. Suddenly, a notification appeared in the corner of my vision.
INCOMING ECHO. ANSWERING.
What?! People can ECHO me?! Who the hell can ECHO me when I'm in wherever-the-hell-this-is?! My answer came in the form of a picture. Handsome Jack was ECHO'ing me!
"Finally," he groaned, the image displayed clearly betraying his emotions, "You're back on the system, Loader."
"Why am I of importance?" I asked in my voice. I didn't stop walking/stomping up the mountain road.
"Well!" he laughed. "Looks like you kept your frickin' personality, huh? You were chosen for this project because your parents are, well, dead."
"My parents are dead?!" I replied, my voice not even changing tone.
"Hahahaaaa, yeah. We killed them so there's no inquest into where you went. Right now, you're in uncharted territory. Your job is to keep the locals, if there are any, in check. So far we've found these tiny colourful horses. Like that diamond pony I want to buy. No locals, keep them in check. You catch my drift?"
"Yes," I replied, "But why am I PWR Loader Designate SMP-5N? I was a human first."
"Yep. Thought you'd ask that. Well, the funny thing is we figured out how to put human minds into a machine's, and YOU, my dear friend, are the test subject. When that test succeeded, we put you in the AI core conveyor in the ship, so you got put into a random body. You think being a Power Loader is bad? You should have a coffee morning with those poor bastards who ended up being EXP Loaders. Well, a dangerous coffee morning. With frickin' explosions. Well, have fun. I don't pay you by the hour."
I remained silent.
"Ha, I'm kidding, I don't pay you at all. Kay, bye!" Kccch.
Seriously? I'm working for Handsome Jack? He's fictional, for crying out loud! Just then, I realised where I was going. I had to ECHO Jack.
"What?" he asked, sounding slightly annoyed.
"Well, I just realised I'm heading to some castle built into the mountains. Do I kill everybody that oppose Hyperion's settlement?"
"Ha ha, that's the spirit, Kiddo!" he laughed. "Yeah, do that: if it's more of those horses, kick 'em. It'll be frickin' funny to watch them go WHEEEEEE over the room. Make sure that you get to converse with their leader though. If the horse is their leader, don't kick it."
"Slice it to shreds?"
"Yeah, that's good. Tell you what, I might send MORE Loaders with Human minds if this place is non-hostile. So then, ciao."
I already liked Handsome Jack. Now? I wish he was my dad.
Beginning Infiltration Protocols. Error 404: Unidentified Forces At Work. Attention: Original companions detected. Loader based. Shedding Friendship.exe.
So far, my scans of the city had located 12 possible entry points involving brutal massacres, and 2...slightly less so.
"Unable to detect entry positions minimizing casualty." I muttered from my lying down position in the foliage outside. "Preparing forcible entry procedures." Ooh, that sounded interesting. A notification appeared on my HUD, telling me 'Destroy Wall'. Hmm, no. Deciding to opt for a more fun option, I stood up from my position in the bushes. Almost immediately, I got a reaction.
"HALT!" A commanding voice bellowed from atop the walls. I looked up. One of those horses, presumably a guardhorse. "BY THE ORDER OF THE PRINCESSES, I AM COMMANDING YOU TO HALT!"
"Negative." I replied, spinning my blades up to full speed. They made the familiar whupping sound as the rotors span at 500 revolutions per second. The horse looked confused, and took it as a threat.
That's when I discovered that the tiny horse was a unicorn.
Quite surprisingly, a blue glow began to illuminate the top of its head, illuminating the air around it with crackles of electricity. Finally, the unicorn released the bolt, sending it soaring towards me at a low speed. It was a speed matching that of my EMP function on my eye. It didn't impact at all: the projectile ricocheted back to the unicorn. The bolt seared back through the air to the upper floor of the walls as the unicorn dived to cover. Suddenly, just what I didn't need.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Dammit! A siren! Not the magic kind, either! I began to go as fast as my legs would carry me, arms to the side to deflect all projectiles that had begun to fire from the upper walls. All of them were different colours, illuminating the spinning rotors with a rainbow of light colours. I realised where I was heading exactly: to a main gate that now had a portcullis shielding it. Quickly, I moved under the roof of the gates. The portcullis was blocking all access: not for frickin' long. Letting out a growling noise, I pressed the rotors against the steel gate. The results were immediate; sparks flew in all directions as both rotors chewed through the iron. Pretty soon, bars of iron were lying on the floor as I began to head through the gap to the main street.
More horses were screaming in terror as I began to quickly stomp down the central road, smashing the cobblestone road and market stands as I went. My rotors didn't rest for one minute; I had too many projectiles to deflect back to the attackers.
"GET HIM!" the same guard from earlier yelled. I turned my upper torso, resuming my forward momentum towards the castle. However, seeing the horde of guards approaching close together in their gleaming steel armour gave me a quick idea on how I could subdue them. I hadn't actually hit any living thing with my EMP yet, and now seemed like a good enough time. I stopped my rotors, clamped them together, and lowered my hands in one smooth motion.
EMP ACTIVATING. CHARGING INITIATED. ESTIMATED TIME TO FIRING: 5 SECONDS.
Should be good enough. I was detecting that the soldiers were a good 13.34 seconds away. The system locked on, and I felt the energy built up around my individual optical sensor.
Release.
The electrical pulse came from me this time, except 3X faster than that of a unicorn. My shot promptly hit its mark; the lead guard yelled out in pain, stumbling as his metal plating made contact with the two beside him. The electricity shocked all three, and the effect passed on as they each crumpled into twitching heaps of singed flesh. A few of the civilian horses screamed, running out from the sidewalk to check if the other horses were OK. I quickly started up again as I stomped towards the castle. I decided to alert Jack that the planet was hostile.
"Handsome Jack, this is SMP-5N." I said down the ECHO. After a moment, somebody picked up.
"Loader, this is Mr Blake. I'm Jack's assistant. What do you require?" came a different voice. Instead of the masked image of Handsome Jack, there was an image of a man with a large forehead, grey hair, and brown coat.
"Planet has been deemed hostile. The city I was heading to contains many guards, presumably to defend their 'Princesses'. I may require extraction." I said down the radio. "Please confirm?"
"Confirmed. Loader, prepare to die."
"Wha-"
A massive burst of energy was felt in my stomach. My optical, audio, and balance sensors fell offline instantly. I knew something crashed into me. However, just when I thought it was over, there was a light.
"Loader, welcome back." Mr Blake's voice came again. I knew I'd have to wait to see him, but I could probably speak.
"Greetings, sir." I replied. "Mission was a failure. Apologies."
"What? No, it wasn't!" he laughed. "With your Intel gathering, we now know that these creatures seem to be the dominant species, and intelligent. Without your infiltration methods we'd never know if they were civilized. They are. So, congratulations."
"Sooo, I'm not being downgraded to a LWT Loader?"
"No. In fact, you're being upgraded. Your new body is that of a GUN Loader." Mr Blake continued as the reconstruction finished. "You now have a choice of captured weapons or currently available weapons in the armoury. May I recommend a fully automatic rifle? You will be fired into the city centre, after all."
"Confirmed, sir." I replied, acknowledging my new body. I now had hands, and gave a few flexes to get used to having such appendages again. Being slightly taller than a PWR Loader, I stood up to my full height of 8 foot 3 and looked around. I seemed to be in a docking bay of some sort; Hyperion Engineers wandered about pressing buttons on consoles and launching Loaders towards a planet. Each time, a bright flash came from outside as the machine shot towards the planet and impacted at great speed.
In the centre of the bay, however, sat an empty SATURN Loader. The pinnacle of cash-wasting machines, the SATURN was so large that it fired Surveyors as weapons, had at least 4 Auto-Cannons on a leg and shoulder and feet the size of a truck, coupled with the fact that it cost a good few hundred billion, meant that SATURN Loaders would eventually become the most powerful thing in the universe.
"Head towards the Armoury and collect a weapon." Mr Blake continued, giving me a push towards the door. "Your squad should already be there."
"Acknowledged." I replied, taking my first steps in my new body towards the door.
On the way, I passed a few loaders with familiar names. Most seemed to be of people that were my close friends back at home. Well, before I ended up a machine. Such names included CRN-5H, KIL-B4, LVS-L4, LYL-E3, and my personal favourite, GLB-R7. All of those, I noticed, seemed to be mechanized versions of my good friends. For example, CRN-5H was now a Loot Wee Midget WAR Loader, possibly some joke of his original stature. I couldn't help but stop to ask.
"CRN-5H?" I asked the group of Loaders. The midget loader turned.
"Affirmative." he calmly replied, having to look up at me.
"Does the name SMP-5N contain any similarities to your best friend who recently diappeared?"
"Affirmative. Hello, Simpson." the midget replied.
"Simpson. Good to keep conversation." GLB-R7 added, as the JET Loader extended a hand to shake. I firmly grabbed it and shook.
"Touche. Where are you going?" I asked.
"Orbital Launch Room." LYL-E3 replied. He'd ended up as a WAR Loader, except full sized. "The same query might be asked for you, SMP-5N."
"To the armoury. I'm going to uncharted territory. It is populated by magic horses. And usually it takes a good few hours to reconnect with the Hyperion network. Sigh. I miss humanity."
I didn't really. If I worked hard enough, I'd not get on the wrong side of Handsome Jack and his SATURN.
Squad Identification Tags Not Found. Engaging Diplomacy Countermeasures.
I didn't even find out the names of my squad members. All I knew was that they'd decided to grab weapons and go to the launch bay. I was certain I did see a group of Loaders knock over a few Engineers whilst carrying a bunch of random weapons; god help me if they had followed me. Instead of barging into the armoury and grabbing the first gun that has the word 'DIE' written on it, my HUD went into an overview of their stats.
The armoury also wasn't as big as I'd first assumed. Instead, it was but a small room containing Digistruct modules for different firearms. Remembering what my favourite manufacturer from Borderlands 2 was, I stomped over to the small, neglected corner of the room labelled 'BAnDiT' in purple lettering. Excitedly, I looked over the options I had. Since most Hyperion workers, even Loaders, assumed Bandit guns would cause cancer, this section was suitably full.
"Weapon selection protocols engaged." I said firmly. Like most of the other things I had said in my Loader form, I'd been thinking of that when I said it. I didn't mean to say it: it simply came out. My optical sensors promptly detected a 'hevy Spinigun', a huge red thing with triple spinning barrels, shark mouth at the barrel base, and huge magazine size. Looking around to see what else there was on the shelf, I found nothing of interest, and moved to the 'Hyperion' segment of the armoury.
This area had seen plenty of use; bootprints were in firm grooves where Combat Engineers had ran in and grabbed a rifle. Instead, I dented the floor as I pored over the available guns. Part of me wanted to pick up The Bane, just for a laugh, but the rest of them just Thresher-bitch-tentacled that other part into submission. I realized at that moment that I really shouldn't have become a Loader. Seeing nothing of interest, I sighed. Actually said 'sigh'. Not breathing: just saying it.
"Sigh." I muttered, turning and moving to Torgue. "Preparing to cause, quote, 'explosioooooooooooooooons'. End quote." I muttered some technological stuff, before looking at the Torgue equipment. This area had seen little use, abeit more than the 'BAnDiT' section. Ignoring this, my optical sensor landed on something called 'Triple Barreled Hulk'. It lived up to its name; the shotgun was absolutely gigantic, and the HUD showed a spread of 25X 2508. Insane.
"Obtaining firearm." I proudly declared, snatching the Digistruct module and attaching it to my waist. Satisfied, I stomped out of the door, a hiss occuring as it sealed behind me. My ECHO, as though the door were some linchpin, turned on, and Handsome Jack appeared.
"Sup." he said. He sounded like he was eating something. "Just to let ya know, kiddo, you're gonna be doing some diplomacy for us. So we're just gonna fire you at the planet, into the castle courtyard, and then send more Loaders when the horses fight back. If they don't fight back, we'll still send them. Kay? Cool. Off to your rocket pod, Captain Kiddo." Right...so we're attacking an innocent race? Wow; Hyperion's sunk low.
The sensation of being fired at a planet was strange. It felt warm, but cold because I was in space. My optical sensors could make out the glowing orbs that were my comrades/subordinates. We'd set up a private radio channel: not even Hyperion could hear us on it. We hoped.
"So, you guys ready?" I asked.
"Mm-hmm." A BUL Loader replied calmly. "More fun than my old desk job."
"You had a desk job?"
"Aye, then Hyperion killed me and my family as we slept, I got put into an A.I core, and now I was told that I was part of some takeover of a planet."
"Same here, man." One JET Loader answered.
"Ditto." Came the reply of a WAR Loader.
"CONFIRMED." Boomed a sudden voice.
"Jesus, who the hell was that?!" I asked.
"SUPER BADASS LOADER, DESIGNATE PAY-N3. AT COMMAND, SIR."
"God DAMN, that's awesome." I snorted. "Ok, first things first: when we land, we need to look intimidating. None of this 'Weapons lowered, nice public image' crap. We go in fast, and hard."
"That's what she said." JET laughed.
"Screw you." I groaned.
IMPACT IN 10 SECONDS. PREPARE TO ENGAGE.
I mentally prepared myself; smashing into a castle courtyard controlled by horses is a bit strenuous on the mind. Just as I'd prepared myself, a huge smashing noise followed by automatic whirring of my body unfolding. I felt the strange blue energy of Digistruct creating the Hulk shotgun, and I stood at full height, aiming my weapon around.
The tiny armoured horses were caught unaware by our sudden impact, and seemed to fumble for their spears. I didn't hear any other impacts though, the others must have been delayed. No matter: I'd hold them off myself until my squad arrived. Sweeping the shotgun in a 360° arc, the holographic reticle on the HUD turned red as it highlighted hostile targets. Just as I thought the horses were too afraid, one stepped up, spear raised defensively.
"So," it chuckled. "You're the one who caused all that commotion last night, eh? What happened to your spinning shields? Fall off your arms?"
"Negative." I replied. My voice tensed all the soldiers, and the hundreds of spears were heard and felt moving forward in front of me. I ignored it: what could metal do to metal? "That was my original body. Despite my new appearance, I am still: Loader designate SMP-5N."
"No matter what you are, you are to be brought before Princess Celestia and Princess Luna to stand trial for your attempted assassination on their lives. Do you object, beast?"
"Affirmative." I replied. "I had no intentions to harm your Princesses. The Hyperion corporation simply wishes to negotiate terms of settlement. Any alarm caused is to be docked from my theoretical pay."
"Why should we trust you, beast?" the guard growled. "In spite of your size, we can quickly overwhelm you. What say you to THAT, tartarus-spawn?" Almost as if on cue, the whooshing sound of 3 Loaders speeding in to impact the cobblestone was followed by many gears whirring as they unfolded into prepared positions.
"I say negative." I smugly stated. The guards around formed a bigger space for us and began circling like wolves around a bison. The arrogant horse guard growled at them, before laughing defiantly.
"No matter: Unicorns! Levi-tate!" he barked. A multitude of horses halted, set their horns aglow, and I felt myself being lifted up into the air. Quickly glancing about in panic, I saw that my squad was receiving the same treatment. "Take them to the princesses, and confiscate their wea-"
BOOM.
A gigantic explosion followed by extremely loud steel and titanium groaning meant PAY-N3 had arrived. I saw the Super Badass Loader stomp his huge feet into position, taking up firing solutions.
"NOBODY MOVE." he boomed, shaking the ground with each word. The unicorns complied quickly, releasing their unrealistically powerful grip and dropping us all. The lead guard swallowed hard, nodded, and pointed to a single horse.
"Y-Yes sir, Mr Gigantic Demon!" he snapped a salute to PAY-N3, before barking orders at his subordinate. "Scorch-Mane! Escort these gentle...demons to the Princesses! ASAP!" The young guard saluted, and replied with a firm 'yes sir!'. He stepped forward, seemingly unfazed by my 8 foot 3 form. My sensors detected he was less than 4 foot 5.
"Follow me, sir." he muttered in a monotone voice. We did as he asked: BUL was humming well known songs over the mic, JET was simply gazing in wonder at the small horses, PAY-N3 was shattering the ground with each step he took, WAR was stomping after the small horse not saying a word, whilst I was trying to think up things to say to the leaders of the horses.
Caution: First Law Re-Enabled. WAR Loader Cannons Offline. Super Badass Loader No Longer Pissed. Confirmed As Good Day.
DOORS DETECTED. HIGH LEVEL ENERGY SIGNATURES DETECTED. POSSIBLE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
What? Horses can use nukes? Oh, WOW, what the hell have I missed my whole non-A.I life? However, this is also a race of SENTIENT horses, that can use MAGIC, can FLY, TALK, and also apparently BUILD FRICKING CASTLES AND CITIES MADE OF MARBLE. Ignoring these facts, I ensured I had disabled the First Law. Whatever happened, thse horses, no matter how tiny and adorable they were, were armed. If we ran, they'd pick us up with their magic and pull us along. If we fought, they'd use magic, confiscate our guns, then most likely rip our arms off.
"...so that's why Equestria is the ideal place to settle." the guard escorting us finished. I cleared my circuitry of the thoughts, and replied.
"Yes. Settle." I said firmly, stomping at a rather brisk pace to keep up with the horse's trotting. "This settlement will in no way result in the enslavement and/or brutal slaughtering of your species by the Hyperion corporation." I looked down at the horse. He was still tiny compared to we Loaders: PAY-N3 towered an impressive 20ft over everything. It was a wonder that these horses had doors that fit the fat bastard. "I was beginning to wonder if I had ever seen your race before my infiltration of your portcullis last evening."
"Wh-what?" the horse stammered, tripping slightly as he heard. He pushed another door open, which lead to another corridor, that had one very intricately decorated door at the end. I assumed this was where the rulers lived. "W-We've never seen your kind. How can you have seen us before?"
"As I said, 'beginning to wonder if'." I replied, not taking my eyes off the horse. My ECHO map was marking my route as I went, so I needn't to have worried about inadvertedly crushing a horse with my foot, or breaking a door down by walking into it. "I never stated that I had seen them: it was merely a theory."
"Well...ok?" the guard replied, looking at me with a confused expression. He looked back to the door ahead, and stopped.
"Squad halt." I ordered, and the sound of heavy metal feet falling silent signalled that the others had obeyed.
"Right. This is the door to the Royal Throne Room. RTR for short. The Princesses reside in here, and have specifically awaited here for your arrival." The small horse now swallowed hard. "And may I ask: be on your best behaviour. Please?"
"AFFIRMATIVE." PAY-N3 boomed, echoing down the hall and the sound of glass tinkling somewhere in the castle signalled...well, glass tinkling somewhere in the castle. Our escort, alarmed at the sudden godly voice, grasped the carpet, before finally steadying himself. He cleared his throat, and knocked on the doors.
"Enter."
The doors were suddenly encased in a glowing auras, gold and blue, and swung open quickly. The sight inside was no less than impressive: the floor, intricately decorated with marble and tiny ebony black flecks, flanked either side of a bright crimson carpet. The carpet stretched down the grand hall, all the way up some steps before finally coming to rest at the feet of two thrones of stark contrast: one black, one gold. Seated on each was a much larger version of the horses we had seen thus far, and both matched their grand seats.
"Approach." the white horse called in a warm voice. It was friendly. Probably a deceiving friendly. Nonetheless, all of us Loaders, WAR, JET, GUN, BUL, and Super Badass, and guard, began the approach up the carpet. Whatever tranquility and silence there had been in the room prior to our arrival was smashed by the sound of 8 loud clanking footsteps and 2 hugely explosive stomps echoing down the grand room. As we went, I couldn't help but rotate my upper torso to view the stained glass windows either side.
Each window seemed to depict a scene from history, with the majority of them involving 6 horses wearing amulets. One such window showed them defeating a strange lizardy creature. Finally, I turned back again and realised that my timing was insane. The throne was not metres away, and we had arrived perfectly.
"Your majesties," the guard said as he bowed, "The creatures, as you desired."
"Excellent." The white horse continued, voice having even more of a motherly tone now we were closer. "You may take your leave."
"Yes, your highness." The guard bowed again, before turning and cantering out of the room. When the door locked shut behind us, we began what felt like the longest 30 seconds of my Loader life. Both sides, machine and horse, stared each other down, evaluating each other. Finally, I plucked up the courage to speak.
"First Law Disabled." I said firmly. Both rulers were taken aback, and it seemed the dark blue one was about to stand up and attack.
"Acknowledged." JET replied.
"Acknowledged." BUL replied.
"Acknowledged." WAR replied.
"AFFIRMATIVE." PAY-N3 roared. The room shook violently, and the force of vibrations moved the crowns from the Princesses' heads. Both looked shocked, before recomposing themselves.
"Ahem," the white one said, "Greetings. I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria, and raiser of the sun."
"I am Princess Luna, co-ruler of Equestria, and raiser of the moon." continued the blue horse said firmly. There was a pause.
"Would you...care to introduce yourselves?" asked Celestia.
"Acknowledged." I replied. "I am A.I Core: Designate SMP-5N. Currently holding rank of GUN Loader."
"Pleasure to make your acquaintance." Celestia smiled.
"Affirmative." I said with no emotion. "First Law Enabled."
"Introductory settings acknowledged." JET added. "I am A.I Core: Designate WOO-5H. Currently holding rank of JET Loader."
"Introductory settings acknowledged." WAR stated. "I am A.I Core: Designate TOR-G3. Currently holding rank of WAR Loader."
"Introductory settings acknowledged." BUL resumed. "I am A.I Core: Designate PLO-W1. Currently holding rank of BUL Loader."
"Need we replace the windows after your introduction?" Celestia asked PAY-N3. The towering Loader looked down, straight in her eyes, and simply said one thing.
"PAY-N3."
Celestia seemed taken aback. She looked at her co-ruler, who seemed quite unamused and/or friendly.
"What are you, tartarus-spawn?" the blue horse grunted rather bluntly.
"We are Loaders. Footsoldiers and workforce of the Hyperion Corporation." I replied. "We have been sent here in order to discuss the terms of Hyperion settlement on your planet and/or country." Celestia looked unamused now.
"Settement?" she murmurred. "Like an invasion?"
"If it were to come to it, affirmative."
"Well, that cannot be allowed."
"Acknowledged. Handsome Jack is to be contacted." With that, I activated my ECHO to Handsome Jack, and put it on speaker.
"Hey, kiddo." Jack groaned over the radio. "How's it goin'?"
"We have reached the Royal Throne Room." I replied. "The Princesses are horses. This conversation is on speaker."
"What? They can hear me? Cool. Ok: hello, horses!"
"Wow, WOW. Ok: a 'pony' that can talk? That's pretty frickin' adorable. And your voice is pretty hot, so that's cool." Celestia blushed furiously.
"Ahem. You, ah, said you wished to discuss terms of 'settlement'?"
"Yeah, yeah. So, um, Kay. Just, ahaha, gonna dumb it down for you. Hyperion ship flies over your country and planet, we make factories, we mine for materials, we use your race as a workforce, we pay you good old fashioned Eridium. Whaddya say, kiddo?"
"...Erm, my sister and I are well over a few thousand years old."
"Jesus, how frickin' old?! I'm looking at you throughmy bot's eyes, and you look to be, like, 20. For a pony."
"Off topic." Luna snorted. "We shall consider your terms. If they displease us, we shall deny access to our planet. If they please us, we shall allow it. In the meantime, your 'Loaders' will be staying with us as a collateral. Three weeks shall be taken to confirm the terms. If you arrive within those three weeks, without our consent, your Loaders will be locked away. Are we clear?"
"God DAMN, your voice is hot. Anyway, yeah, that's Kay. So, ciao."
-blip-
"Handsome Jack approves your terms." I stated. "But are we 5 Loaders to stay here?"
"Yes, for a few days. After that, you shall be sent to my faithful student in a smaller settlement named Ponyville. After all, 5 large corporate machines mustn't know about the magic friendship is."
Wait a minute. Something's coming back about where I've seen this.
Magic friendship is.
Friendship magic is.
Magic is friendship.
Friendship is magic.
Friendship is Magic! Of course! I was a brony before...this! Can't remember much of the stuff though...probably gonna pick it up later on.
Limited Shelter Detected. No Rooms Available. No Space Available. Dejection.
After a discussion over sleeping/power down arrangements, we exchanged words and parted ways. The hall didn't seem that long, especially now that we knew we'd have to stay here for 3 weeks. Inbetween JET and BUL, I spoke my circuits.
"I am displeased by these 'ponies' and their want for domination." I said. "We are simply being handed over as collateral items without any intervention or argument from us."
"Thoughts acknowledged." JET groaned. "I do not feel comfortable being used as a simple thing to be passed around. I was a human once."
"Acknowledged." BUL added. "That same life applied to me. We are sentient: not simply machines."
"Acknowledged." I replied, turning my body 91.34° clockwise towards him. "Do you believe we will receive hostile treatment?"
"Unsure." JET replied. I saw him reach down, activate the Digistruct module, and suddenly his right hand filled with a blue glow. After a moment, I saw a Vladof 'Rabid Spinigun' set into his grip. "Let us be prepared, however. The Digistructors we have equipped should supply us with ammunition and grenades: thus defeating the requirement to reload."
"Crowd control." I nodded mentally.
"Exactly. Loaders do not receive as much credit for what we are: effecient, ruthlessly effective killing machines. Unlike humans, our guilt was destroyed the moment we were made into A.I cores."
"Acknowledged." WAR cut in. "I feel no guilt in eliminating hordes of Bandits. If anything, I find it utterly hilarious to watch their low-level intelligence being wasted by trying to raid Hyperion bases. I myself have participated in holding off Bandits. The fat ones are most humourous when angry."
"Acknowledged." I replied. "I have seen Raging Goliaths before. Funny sight. Midgets are humourous to watch when they are backhanded across a room by raging Goliaths."
"Confirmed."
"Where did those Princesses state we were to be accomodated?" JET asked.
"Upper floor." WAR answered back. "They did claim they would meet us there. Unsure if that was some joke: scans indicate suggested rooms are across this palace. The Princesses have not gone past us."
"True." I replied. "Unless they have teleported. Ha. Ha. Ha."
"Impossible. Those odds are 1 : 395,946,104.99 against them. We will more than likely beat them there."
"Impossibility detected." I said in a monotone voice. The Princesses had, as we had thought impossible, teleported here. My A.I core began to rapidly whir over other possibilities, yet none were likely. "Teleportation detected. Pre-Space Faring races graded as unable to perform such acts."
"Yes, yes. Unicorns, and alicorns, have teleportation capabilities." Celestia sighed, looking at me as though I were some idiot. Right then I was looking at her with my reticle on her face. "Lesser unicorns may be able to teleport from, say, their house to the shed. Advanced unicorns, like my student, may cover distances as vast as entire villages without breaking a sweat."
"Unable to acknowledge." I muttered.
"Very well." Celestia groaned, rolling her eyes and whispering something to her sister, who promptly nodded. "Care to see your accomodation?"
"Affirmative." JET replied. The two rulers nodded to each other, set their horns aglow, and the doors behind them pushed open to reveal...
"A storeroom." I said, voice betraying the fact I felt quite unloved. It was a dark, musty room, barrels lay on the floor or in stacks, crates reached high up to the roof, and on the floor lay small pieces of scrap metal that seemed conveniently shaped to fit a loader. I looked to both Princesses, confused, and several more whirring noises signalled that my squad did too.
"Yes, the storeroom." Princess Luna sighed. "It's the only place machines such as yourself might rest without catching paparazzi attention. They have been swarming the streets all day, asking ponies about last night's...escapade."
"Apologies for my behaviour." I added. "The lack of entrances for my approach of stealth encouraged me to craft my own."
"Hmmm..." the blue alicorn narrowed her eyes. "Your apology is unrequired, Loader. Nor is it appreciated: several thousand bits were spent to ensure that portcullis remained strong: you ripped it apart in mere seconds."
"Titanium-A blades on PWR Loaders were designed for mining Eridium crystals. Usually, Eridium is found in tough rock faces, thus the requirement for strengthened mining tools is not merely a want, it is a need." I explained. "Eridium is purple. Purple is a favoured colour of mine."
"Your favourite colour is purple?" Celestia asked.
"Affirmative."
"Why didn't you ask to be painted purple?"
"Against regulations. Only a select few Loaders are permitted to customize themselves. Such loaders include: Mal, a malfunctioning GUN Loader on the Eridium Blight who is obsessed with becoming Human, H3RL-3, a trebuchet wielding machine designed specifically to combat Sand Pirates, and JNK Loaders, the forgotten Loaders left to die for no reason."
"Why do you not become a JNK Loader?"
"Impossible. I am here. JNK Loaders exist on Pandora. Here is not Pandora."
"Very well: such logic is not arguable with, after all." Celestia pointed a hoof into the store-room. "Make yourselves at home. I shall send a letter to my student so that she might prepare for your arrival."
"Acknowledged. Many thanks for this settlement zone. It will do nicely." JET courteously stated. "Enjoy your evening." As the Princesses trotted off down the corridor, I cast a glance to JET. BUL, PAY-N3, WAR, and I were also staring. He turned. "What? I was a Brony before I was a Loader."
"Insufficient space." BUL sighed. Even after we had moved some barrels and crates, there was nowhere near enough room for us to power down and fold into our box like positions. "Eventually, I will blow this [REDACTED] to bits. Why can boxes not be smaller?"
"Question acknowledged, answer unavailable." WAR mutters as he sat uselessly in the corner. Without arms, WAR couldn't be of much help. Instead, he elected to sit in the corner and look sad. PAY-N3 was sat beside him. Neither had arms. I cast a glance over to them, before grabbing another box and carrying it to the stack I'd been making.
"What's in the booooooox?" I asked rhetorically. With hands, JET, BUL and I were quite easily picking the crates up, restacking them, and trying to find a way we could all sit and do sod all.
"Not weapons." JET quickly replied.
"Acknowledged." I muttered, jumping up slightly as I dumped the box on the top of the pile. So far, we had created a large cube of 25X25 in the corner of the room, giving more space for us to sit. Just then, the door opened.
"Good morning!" Celestia called through the gap. "How to did you machines...erm, 'power down'?"
"We didn't." I replied. The white muzzle poking through the crack in the door put on a straight expression and more of the princess appeared. She glanced around the room, before smiling.
"Did you spend the whole night re-arranging these crates and barrels?" she asked, sounding quite amused.
"Affirmative." JET replied, holding a barrel in each hand. "Are you impressed?"
"Yes, very." Celestia beamed. "Usually, it takes weeks to clear this all up. You did it with the space of 13 hours."
"13 hours, 29 minutes, and 47.9 seconds, to be precise." I corrected.
"Yes, well." the princess laughed. "Would you care for some breakfast?"
"Offer appreciated, but denied. Mechanical entities cannot eat food or drink. We simply stomp around, move things, break things, and shoot things, before breaking ourselves. We are then promptly reconstructed and it happens again. Breakfast is no longer part of our lives." BUL stated matter-of-factly. He had begun to wipe dust off his shield, the chipped paint on the loader's body clearly betraying his newness.
"Well, it is common courtesy to invite guests to meals." Celestia added.
"We are not guests. We are collaterals." I corrected.
"Very well, if you insist." Celestia muttered. "Enjoy your day." she finished as the door closed. WAR was still sat down.
"I can't stand up." he said firmly. "I feel dejected."
"Dejection acknowledged." I replied in a monotone voice. "I find your dejection amusing. Ha. Ha. Ha."
WAR simply made a sad noise as I 'ha'd' for a good minute.
Boredom Systems Overheated. Outside Air Required. Many Other Things Required.
The conversation had been much like that for hours. Occasionally, we'd find a small piece of dirt to throw at each other. Maybe a rat would come and take a crap on PAY-N3. Maybe that rat would promptly be thrown across the room and stamped on. The evidence was overwhelming: we were bored as bored could be for a machine.
"I long for adventure. I wish to go outside." I finally said.
"Confirmed. Request will be denied." JET replied with a sigh. "Sunlight seems more attractive now."
"Sadly, affirmative." I finally muttered. I'd sat down on the floor, using my hands to draw circles in the dirt and dust. I just idly sat there for a while after that: nothing could have been more fun at that point than doodling in the particle layer on the floor. I drew several copies of the Mona Lisa, a few Sunflowers, several hundred gigantic penises, and wrote every single word in the dictionary with definitions. When I reached writing 'tits lol' for the five thousand four hundred and fifty third time, I stopped.
"Enough is enough." I said firmly, standing up and walking to the door. "I'm asking Celestia if I can go outside."
"I will follow," WAR added, "As long as we're not put to death."
"Acknowledged." JET stood up too. "There is no pleasure in listening to every song ever written playing on a loop. I will follow."
"FOLLOWING." PAY-N3 boomed, rising up to half his height. After all, 20ft robots cannot be placed into a room 11ft tall.
"Good. Let us begone." I said, opening the door. "BUL, are you following?" The Loader, sat in the corner, didn't acknowledge: instead electing to use his fingers to draw a picture of what appeared to be him plowing through a horde of guards using his shield. When no reply came, I knew he wasn't going to come with us. "Request granted." I muttered, ushering the others out of the door.
Humming to myself, I took in the details I had missed on my first journey in the castle. Paintings, statues, even a few small fountains, the castle had all of it. As we plodded along, I noticed guards would sometimes shuffle nervously. The one obnoxious guard stood in our path, pointed a spear at us, before explaining that 'he was in charge here' and that 'we would face justice'. Electing simply to ignore him, we continued on our wanderings, the guard still harrying us to go to the dungeons. Every word he said grated on my nerves, and at one point he for so irritating I was tempted to turn around and shoot him in the face repeatedly. Doing my best not to kick the sod across the country, I began to check my map. It was displaying that the objective, the Throne Room, was just up the next corridor. Suddenly, I heard chatter.
"Do you hear conversation?" I asked the others. They flashed their acknowledgement lights on my HUD. I turned to the guard, still following us. "Why are there many voices?" I asked. The small unicorn scoffed loudly.
"A beast like you wouldn't understand. Your primitive mind can barely understand 'get to the dungeon'." he snorted. "If you and your pack of commoner brutes cannot understand direct orders from Prince Blueblood II, you won't understand the day court."
"For your information, I am capable of checking a list of 3,000,000 variables 150 times a second. I can hack into most advanced computer systems, lift weights of up to and potentially exceeding 4 tonnes, fire an Electro-Magnetic Pulse directly from my optical sensor, and most importantly: I'm at least 5 foot taller than you. Hyperion: hell yeah." I growled. Each word I said, I stressed, just so I could really teach this prick a lesson. He looked slightly stunned.
"Did you just answer back to royalty?!" he screeched. The prince was going red in the face, and beside himself with rage.
"Affirmative." I replied calmly.
"How DARE you!" the pony roared, levitating his spear up to my chest. A swift thrust later, and...
"Caution: 0% damage sustained." my systems declared. "Pick up a better firearm." The spear had barely even scratched my armour. Meanwhile, behind Blueblood, the other Loaders were simply shrugging at this obnoxious little idiot. Letting out a defeated yell, he stormed off down the hall.
"Pussy detected." JET stated firmly. "What a bitch."
The many colourful ponies outside the grand doors meant something was occurring. Each seemed to be holding some kind of notepad and quill, and idly chatted as they awaited the Throne Room doors to open. Every few minutes, the doors would swing open, a pony would trot in, and they'd close. None seemed to have spotted us. None, it seemed, save the guard at the door. He gave us a grin, nodded, and went back to maintaining the queue.
"Etiquette suggests that we join the rear of the queue." JET suggested.
"Request acknowledged, and accepted. Squad, move up to rear queue." I ordered. The other three began to stomp towards the rear of the line, with me trailing behind.
"What is the time?" WAR asked. "My system clock is incorrect."
"The same applies here. Sigh." I replied. "Ask the pony in front for it."
"Acknowledged." WAR turned to the small, blue Pegasus in front, and tapped her on the shoulder. "Missus." he asked. The mare turned around. She had green eyes, shiny teeth, and, if I remember correctly the name, a camera 'cutie mark'.
"Yes?" she groaned. She didn't seem fazed by the machine stood in front of her at all. If anything she was smiling.
"Would it be a possibility for you to give us the time?"
"Of course!" the mare cheerily replied. She looked at her foreleg, and replied with, "Five past two."
"Thank you, miss." WAR gave a short 'nod', and turned back to us.
"Five past two."
"Confirmed. Resetting system clock." I replied, setting my clock onto '2:05'.
"What now?" JET asked.
"WAITING GAME." PAY-N3 boomed. All of the ponies in front screamed at the sudden voice, looking sharply back to be greeted by the sight of a black robot with massive guns for arms, a golden machine sort of giving a half-arsed wave to the crowd, a plane/robot dancing subtly, and the 20ft tall machine gazing down at the audience with a burning glare.
The crowd immediately parted, leaving an alley for us to walk through. After a moment of silence, PAY-N3 spoke again.
"WAITING GAME OVER. DURATION: 0.64 SECONDS. I WIN."
Damage Critical. New Body Required. New Mission Received.
"Hey, kiddo." Jack called over the radio. "Just calling to let ya know that, ahaha...how do I frickin' put this...ha...we're probably gonna invade anyway. So, just a heads-up so you don't piss yourself when we Lunar Mortar that place to the ground. You're gonna want to tell them, so we don't kill a bunch of unaware ponies. Oh Jesus, that sounds frickin' stupid."
"Affirmative. I will alert them." I replied.
"You do that. Plus, I'm spending a few billion figuring out a way to turn ponies into people."
"Why, sir?"
"So I can bang those ponies with the hot voices once they're human and if they're hot. Seriously, their voices are pretty much the hottest thing right now. So, just try and bring me them alive, kiddo. Cool? Cool. Ciao."
Right. He tells me to tell them the moment we're about to go and speak to them about leaving the castle? Asshole. After hearing that news, I begrudgingly tromped in, followed by PAY-N3, WAR, and JET. All 4 of us had heard Jack's transmission, and my replies, so we couldn't lie. Not with Godzilla behind us.
Celestia seemed surprised to see us.
"Gentleloaders." she nodded.
"Ma'am." we bowed in return. "I come bearing distressing news."
"Hmmm...What is it?" she asked, narrowing her eyes as she gazed down at us from her elevated throne. I gave my life a quick backup file, and cleared my microphone.
"Hyperion's plan of settlement has turned into a plan of premature invasion. I request no part in the upcoming assault on the castle, for I do not wish to slaughter the innocent. I am deeply sorry. Cough."
"What?" Celestia growled. "They plan to invade...tell them to send their finest."
"Ma'am." I replied. "By the time that I reply to his ECHO, Jack will have sent a fleet of Hyperion ships. None shall be unarmed. A 0.01% chance of fighting back and succeeding alone is all you have against them."
"Well," she said firmly. "I'll just send them their collaterals, yes?" A sudden force began to lift me up, as though wind catching a leaf. The floor began to diappear below, and all that were visible were Celestia's enraged eyes. My circuits were going into shutdown, sensors going offline.
"Owch." I slurred, just before my vocabulator shut off. Behind, the sound of a crackling meant my squad was gone. Their shells smashed to the floor, the loudest being PAY-N3's hulking form crashing to the marble floor. Still, Celestia continued the assault on my shivering steel body.
"Tell Handsome Jack to expect a fight. His warriors will lose. And as for you: get out." The final words triggered the force surrounding my body to tighten exponentially, as my entire system locked off.
Dammit. Is that asshole making me go back there as this again? I was just killed, for god's sake! Leave me be!
"Oh, back are you?" Mr Blake asked.
"Affirmative." I replied flatly. "My old body is critically damaged: the Princess destroyed us all at once."
"Hmm, yes, I can see." Mr Blake muttered. "Well, since you seemed incredibly adept at using it, Handsome Jack decided to have you placed as a PWR Loader again. In fact, the same body from your first incursion with our new enemies. That, and since it seems you have a bone to pick from them, he has given you a high command post on the ground forces."
"Again?" I asked. "Does he like me for some reason?"
"Well, it's possible he has a pang of guilt for killing your parents and family..."
"Unlikely."
"Exactly, Loader. Now, he has given you the task of setting up a command post under their city. It shouldn't be that difficult: seismic scans are indicating that there is a mass network of caves underneath. The biggest is situated directly under the streets. Set up the command post as your system tells you, we send the equipment required, and fairly soon we'll have a way to jump them from below. Any questions?"
"Negative."
"Very well. You know the drill." Just before the brown coated man could turn and leave, another guy, presumably an engineer of some description, ran up holding a small piece of paper. He stopped in front of Mr Blake, and handed him the page.
"Hmmm..." Blake put some bony fingers to his chin and began to rub quietly. After a moment, he sighed, dismissed the engineer, and turned back to me. "Loader, there has been a serious change of plan. We will be unable to drop you straight into the city underground."
"May I ask why?"
"See for yourself." Carefully, he showed me the sheet of paper. On it was what appeared to be a sattelite image of the city. Except now there was a huge pink dome surrounding it. "Our scans are showing that it's made of pure energy. The very same kind which is used in shielding. Which means the city is now, by our method of entry, impenetrable. You're going to be dropped into a cavern nearby. Find a way to dig underneath the city and into those caverns. Then, set this down." Mr Blake handed me a small beacon, of sorts. Carefully, I grasped it in my claws, before reaching back and latching it to my lower segment. "That beacon will signal for us to send Constructors, and a Fast Travel station. I assume you know how to operate the latter?"
"Sir." I replied.
"Excellent, Loader. Do this right, I can pull a few strings and promote you. Sound good?"
"Sir." I smiled with a grin only I knew existed.
Wedding Day To Save: Engage Changelings, Defend Ponies.
"...Loooooaderrrrr..." ...wha-what...? Who's speaking? "Loader? You frickin' awake? Jesus, wake up you lazy piece of-" "Acknowledged. SMP-5N online." I replied. "Finally, you're up. You were offline for a few hours after landing; you wandered about for a bit, then went offline." "Unidentified error must have occurred." I replied. My optical sensors were still inactive. "I'll say: you're about 5 miles from the cavern entrance. Jack had you dropped 20 miles from the city to avoid detection." "Unidentified error seems to have been an energy spike with teleportational capabilities. Optical sensors remaining offline. 56% reactivated, map active." "Alright. Has it been marking your route?" I checked my map. I was in a single circle of recognised territory, whilst the rest was dark. "Negative." "Damn. You're gonna need to find your way out. Remember you have your EMP to fall back on should you run into any of the guards. If they get too close, chop 'em up." "Request acknowledged. Might I ask who this is?" "Officer Williams. I was the one who dropped you on that planet in the first place." "I never did find out who turned me into an A.I." "Later: right now, you'd better get outta there." "Acknowledged." OPTICAL SENSOR ONLINE. Wow, timing. The white circle of light began opening, slowly filling my vision with a dim glow. I could see I was in a dark cave, stalactites hanging from the roof like giant stone bats. I was lying on my back, and I could see I must have landed beside a wall. My right arm/claw was completely 90° against the wall. After much creaking, groaning, and hissing, I pulled myself up. The cavern was vast, and according to some seismic scans on my HUD, it wasn't the biggest of them. The largest was five miles to the east, directly under the city. "Beginning journey." I said loudly, voice echoing into the distance. With that said, I began a 25 minutes and 34.8 second journey to the cavern. --------------------------------------------------------- "Hello?" a sudden female voice called. My systems immediately picked up on it, and formulated a response. "I am acknowledging your location." I loudly replied. "Who's there?" the woman sounded nervous. "Show yourself!" "Request acknowledged." I called back. "Requesting non-hostile response to my appearance." I began to follow the sound of the voice. I began to quickly stomp towards the location of the callings: however every path comes with obstacles. A large crystal wall stood between me and the voice. "Rotors engaging." I said loudly. I quickly span my blades up to maximum revolutions: 500 revolutions per second. Once I was sure they were fully capable, I stomped forward and began to push into the wall. Being a mining Loader, the blades rapidly eroded the rock, leaving an infinity symbol shaped hole in the crystal face. Rock flew everywhere, yet I pressed on. Finally, after much grinding through stone, I had it at a point where a powerful stomp smashed it open. I could see my quarry before the dust had even settled: a lavender unicorn with deep purple mane, clearly prepared to fight back. "What are you?!?" she screamed, scrambling back quickly. "Hyperion PWR Loader Designate: SMP-5N." I replied calmly. "Why would you be down here?" "W-Well, my brother is getting married, and the mare marrying him is...a...well..." "Succubus?" I asked. "No, no...she's...a changeling? Wait, why should I trust you?! You were defeated by Celestia a few days ago along with your sidekicks!" "Acknowledged. She was, however, unjustified in our destruction. I was simply the bearer of bad news, and unfortunately the brunt of her rage." "Well the Princess told me-" "Forget what she told you. Did the Changeling banish you down here?" "Y-Yes." "Do you wish to escape?" "Yes..." "I must deal with that in a moment, then." Suddenly, just as I began to plant the beacon, my ECHO reactivated. "Loader, we're detecting another life form just behind you! Massive energy signatures emanating from it; probably one of those alicorns!" Williams exclaimed. "Acknowledged." I replied. Suddenly, the unicorn jumped up beside me. "That must be Princess Cadence!" she yelled, in what seemed to be a happy tone. Charging her horn with a purple aura, she released an energy blast that utterly obliterated a nearby wall. Behind it sat/cowered a pink alicorn with pink mane and gold strands. "Cadence!" "Cadence." I repeated after the unicorn. She sort of glared at me, before reuniting with her assumed friend. They did some dancing, a possible ritual, before my attention slipped. I turned back around, beacon carefully held in a claw, before I found a flat area. Then, in one sharp and powerful movement I rammed it into the stone. Almost instantly, it began flashing and beeping. Once more, Williams came onto my ECHO. "Beacon's active! Sending reinforcements! Plant that Fast Travel station, Loader!" he ordered. I did as he asked without question; a small digistruct device attached to my waist began to project a beam of energy. Quite quickly, a Fast Travel station popped up. "Active." I said. "What's that thing?" a new voice said from behind. "Twilight, it's doing something!" "I am simply digistructing a Hyperion Corporation Fast Travel Station." I replied matter-of-factly. The alicorn seemed pretty beaten up, covered in bruises, and looked nearly dead. I sighed mentally, not being able to see one of the characters from my favourite TV programme injured. I went into my ECHO, and spoke to Williams. "Send a medical officer: one of my new allies is severely wounded. Also, send some RPG Loaders. We may require the Anti-Aircraft missiles." I knew I would help in some way: I would get to grind Changelings into bloody green pulps. --------------------------------------------------------- Within but a few minutes, a medical officer had arrived along with a squad of Hyperion troops. They all seemed slightly bewildered by the talking horse in front of them. I, meanwhile, was used to such a strange sight. The medical officer seemed to be trying to comfort the princess as he patched her up with insta-health vials. "Don't worry; it's a medical device." he would tell her as she winced at the needles. "So, your wedding day? Who's the lucky guy?" "Sh-Shining Armor..." she shakily replied. "Well, congratulations then." With that, the good doctor patted the Princess on the head, before approaching the soldiers, me, and the RPG Loaders that had arrived. "Why did you need a squad, sir?" "Are you aware of the 2012 Season 2 Finale of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?" I asked. He shook his head. "I was originally a human much like you. I watched that show. I distinctly remember what happened in the episode where that pony appeared." "And?" asked one trooper. "Masses of airborne Changelings wreck the city. If we were to defend the city, we would gain public trust." "First, though," the Princess said, standing beside me. Even though taller than Twilight, she was much smaller than me. Even the troopers were just taller. "We need to stop the Queen. She has disguised herself as me. She should be easy to spot. I'll come with you...people to expose her. Unless, you have other ideas?" "I would have ordered for HOT Loaders and JET Loaders, maybe even some WAR Loaders for backup, but your plan seems good. Would it be possible to teleport us there?" I asked. "In my current state, I should manage to get us outside the Chapel doors." Cadence's horn went aglow. "Hold onto something." The troopers began panickingly clutching their rifles as though children with stuffed animals, whilst the Loaders and I didn't mind. One bright flash later, and we were gone.
I was impressed, though there were no ways I could say so using my list of words Loaders can say. So, I elected for the nearest one. "Nice one, boss." I said, looking at the pink alicorn. She looked confused, before grinning. Next, I turned my attention to the troopers. "Prepare for hostile engagement. Air based, attack in swarms. RPG Loaders: wait out here and fire your missile batteries at anything that is NOT a pony. Orders end. Move." "Acknowledged." replied both RPG Loaders simultaneously, before they used their jump jets to fling themselves onto some nearby roofs, much to the horror of the ponies who owned them. Cadence, Twilight, the troopers, and I quickly ran to the church doors. We needed to be fast, before Celestia finished her sentence. "...I now pronounce you, husband an-" "WAAAAAAIT!" Twilight yelled, busting the doors open as everypony groaned at her intrusion. I decided to make my appearance known. Firmly, I ordered the troopers to get into firing positions as I stomped out into the chapel aisle. Ponies from both sides gasped in horror. Celestia, meanwhile, was stepping forward to confront me. "Are you really this heartless, machine?" she growled. "You interupt a wedding just so you can invade?" "Negative." I replied angrily. "As it turns out, I'm saving this wedding. For start, that princess is a fake." The gathered guests once more gasped loudly at: A) Me B) My accusation, and C) The real Princess Cadence charging forward into the aisle to tackle the imposter. "Who's the real Cadence?" Celestia gasped, looking between the two mares writhing and bucking and grappling on the floor. "The real Cadence is not wearing the wedding dress. I found her and Twilight Sparkle underneath Canterlot. They had been banished there by the imposter so that she might assume control of the kingdom and feed off of your love. Unfortunately she has almost broken Shining Armor's protection spell. Her army will burst through soon. I am here with these soldiers to eliminate that threat." The fake Cadence kicked the real one off, growled with eyes aglow, and began to reveal her true form. Once she did, though, she laughed wickedly. "Well, it seems I have been figured out by a foolish machine." she cackled. "No matter: soon, my army will break through the shield, and we shall feed on all of your love! Isn't that right, dear?" Shining Armor weakly nodded. By this point, I had had about enough crap. "FIRST LAW DISABLED." I boomed, spinning my rotors up to full pelt and beginning to advance on the Changeling Queen. Quickly, she began to fire magic blasts, each one ricocheting off my blades and back to her. By this point, the gathered audience had fled the hall from our battle, leaving more than enough clear space. "Troopers, open fire." I ordered. More blasts filled the air; red of incindiary, green of caustic, purple of slag, yellow of TORGUE, and blue of electricity. Each round that impacted the Queen caused her to yelp in pain, slightly slowing down her volleys. Just before we could score that QTE-triggering hit, a loud boom followed the shattering of glass as the shield broke. Air that had remained pressurized immediately rushed out to equalize pressure in the city. However, this also meant that Changelings could get in. "Shit." I muttered in a monotone voice. "Everybody outside. Prepare to engage." "I'm not through with you yet!" Chrysalis yelled, blood drooling slowly out of her mouth. Promptly, I decided to break the Geneva Convention. Stomping up to her weakened form, I gazed into her eyes. "Neither am I." I growled, before stomping swiftly on her head. Green blood, chitin, brains, and other internal organs spattered my foot as the Queen was brutally crushed like the bug she was. I heard something crumple behind me; I knew somepony had fainted. Ignoring this, I stomped again, because you can never be too sure, and followed my squad out of the door. Meanwhile, Celestia vomited into a nearby plant pot, the strained heaving of her stomach clearly betraying her image of a powerful leader who'd seen it all. Clearly she had never seen a bug getting squashed. ---------------------------------------------------------- Changelings exploded in bloody showers of limbs as the RPG Loaders stationed on the roofs nearby mercilessly pounded them with rockets. Meanwhile below, Royal Guards were being overwhelmed with Changeling squads; 12 to the Royal 1. "Troopers. Engage." I ordered. The soldiers, being the brave souls they were, charged down the stairs, putting down Changelings in a few well placed shots. Following suit, I was stopped by a sudden force. I couldn't move, and, looking down, I was covered in some deep blue aura. Damn. "You have a lot of nerve to show up here." Luna growled, rotating me to face her. "Acknowledged. Release me so I can kill Changelings." I replied. "After what your boss plans for Equestria? I don't think so. After this is all over, we will be publicly destroying you." "Negative. I returned to destroy this infestation. That is why the other Hyperion forces are here. RPG Loaders are preventing them from landing, and the troopers kill the rest. I had plans to kill as well, but you are preventing me. Please stop." "No." "What id I were to explain to you the fact I was originally human?" "...human." Suddenly, Luna released her grip, dropping me to the floor and cracking the pavement. "Continue." "A.I cores for Loaders are based from real people. However, as the saying goes, quote, you cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs, end quote. I was killed in order for Hyperion to use my brain as a template for this A.I core. My family was also killed, most likely to be used for this same purpose. However, now I am a Loader, I may take on several different battlefield roles: suicide bomber, Anti-Aircraft, trooper, commanding officer, pyro, sniper, air support, heavy firepower, etcetera." "That sounds horrible!" "Not as horrible as the fate of your country if we do not repel this invasion." "Very well." Luna sighed, conjuring a sword from thin air. "Let us battle side by side. Then, we may discuss this." "Acknowledged, Luna."
Destroy Invasion Forces. Mass Destruction Catalyst Enabled.
Luna and I made a fantastic team. 74.6% of hostiles that approached us were cut down by my spinning blades and EMP cannon, whilst the remaining 25.4% of hostiles were smacked with the princess' sword or shot with powerful magic blasts. We had set up a defensive pairing in the centre of the street, giving us a clear view of the surrounding skies and buildings. Suddenly, my map caught a massive grouping of red dots 24° to our rear. Quickly turning, I was detecting about 40 Changelings gathered for a charge. "Hostiles detected; 40." I yelled over the loud chitterings. Luna growled loudly. "We'll need higher ground. I can lift you up to a building, let's go!" Just as she prepared to lift me, noticeable by the aura beginning to surround her horn, I held up a claw to stop her. "Negative; I can get up myself." I replied. I engaged the thrusters on my legs, and, much to the princess' surprise, I leapt straight up to a nearby roof. The balcony cracked and groaned as I crashed down onto it, bits of flooring going everywhere as I immediately broke into a run/rapid path involving stomping at high speed. I was promptly joined by the night princess. "Impressive," she chuckled, shaking her blade of Changeling blood, "But let's see how many we have to carve up." Almost as if on a cue, the hordes arose from the sides of the building, hungry for...well, Luna's love. I had none, and it would likely be impossible to extract even if I did have any. Plus, there seemed to be 5 times as many as there were at the end of the street, thus meaning a good 200 of the Changelings were on this one roof. "Support required." I said down the squad microphone. "Fire missiles at our position." Almost instantly, the sound of hundreds of missiles launching from across the fancy rooftops. I could detect the small sources of heat soaring towards us. "Firing missiles." one RPG Loader replied. "Seek cover." Quickly, I grabbed the princess, much to her thrashing and objection, held her under one arm, and began to "sprint" towards the edge of the rooftops. "Put me down at ONCE!" Luna squealed, smacking her hooves against my metal legs. I ignored this, and promptly dived off the building. All systems onboard my body almost instantly went dark. Light. --------------------------------------------------------- RECONSTRUCTING UNIT SMP-5N. Damn it. Should have thought that one through. Hundreds of missiles and nowhere to go never mix. "Sir," an RPG Loader voice asked. "Are you alright? Apologies: normally I never miss." "Acknowledged." I replied, giving my blades a few spins. The fast-travel station had dropped me back into the caves, and a loud commotion was occurring above. However, I was not alone in the caverns: one Badass Constructor watched over a few hundred loaders who were trudging about carrying building materials. Meanwhile, some constructors idly floated by, my HUD telling me they were waiting for somebody to order them about. I took that job quickly. "Constructor," I firmly said. The large machine quickly engaged it's legs, looked at me, and dropped down a few metres in front. "Reinforcements required above. Prepare combat protocols." "Acknowledged. Preparing autocannons." he replied. Suddenly, I noticed something about his ID tags. MIC-K3. I couldn't help it; I had to know this. "Constructor?" "Sir." "Do the letters SMP-5N sound familiar?" "Yes sir. It reminds me of my family surname." "It was my family's surname as well. My family was killed so I could become a Loader. I assume the assassins arrived at 3 in the morning." "Acknowledged. Hello, son." "Hello, father."
Family reuniting. Preparing celebratory breach of Geneva Convention.
After 41 minutes and 42 seconds of gathering reinforcements, procuring a different coloured optical sensor (green), and moving through the caverns to the city, all 56 HOT, WAR, JET, GUN, Engineers, Soldiers, and Constructors opened fire on the swarm that was rapidly overcoming the city. Gold clashed with black as Hyperion forces shot, bludgeoned, burned, exploded, corroded, electrocuted, stabbed, and slagged Changeling drones. Being the only PWR Loader, and the only 'bot capable of deflecting magic with rotating blades, I charged into the fray with blades spinning. I had set myself a few personal objectives; find the rest of my family, kill over 200 Changelings (132/200), and regain the ponies' trust. I had some trust from Cadence, Twilight, and a very tiny amount from Princess Luna, so gaining Princess Celestia's trust was imperative for Hyperion's invasion. Turning a corner, the sight of a burning building with a destroyed PWR Loader lying optical-sensor-down on the road outside meant I had recovered my original position. INCOMING ECHO. ANSWERING. "Kiddo, what the hell's goin' on down there?!" Handsome Jack asked, frustrated. "Are you killing 'em all without help?!" "Changeling forces have begun attempted conquest of capital city." I replied. "Hyperion forces are eliminating the infestation." "Woah, woah. Trying to take over a planet with an army? Not from Hyperion? Those bitches are going down. I'm putting you in charge of the 'bots down there; kill them all, then we can invade. Cool? Cool. Ciao." Well, he seems calm about this. That's worrying. Clearing my circuitry of these thoughts, I began to alert the remaining troopers and Loaders that were around when I was destroyed. "Loader unit SMP-5N has rejoined combat. Status report." "Total kill count has surpassed 5,000." "Acknowledged. Keep firing; without their hive mind, they should give up soon." Good. The troops had motivation; the small insects were coming in slower now, rather than turning the skies black. I remembered why I'd returned to my death site, and that was to find the Princess. Quickly, I engaged my scanning mode, picking out 364 non-pony forms of life, and the rest were cowering. Ponies, then. The nearest were just through a nearby wall, so I let loose a massive stomp, dislodging a cracked chunk of wall. Through it, I rapidly charged in, blades spinning, and caught 4 Changelings by surprise. "ENGAGING." I growled, spinning my blades up to 500RPM, advancing forward, and grinding one of the bugs to a green spatter up the wall. The other three, confused and terrified, began firing blasts straight at my rotors. Said blasts promptly reflected, one of the reflected green shots promptly nailing one of the hostiles right between the eyes. He looked horrified as the corrosive material began to sear and eat away his chitin. He let out a piercing scream, falling face first into a pool of his own blood. The other two hissed in a series of clicks, before turning...tail(?) and fleeing through a broken doorway. Satisfied, I turned my upper body around to face a green unicorn mare with golden eyes, clutching a vanilla earth pony mare. Both had equal looks of terror on their faces. "Have a happy royal wedding." I said calmly, before stomping out of the small house. Behind me, the 2 tonne Loader with destructive, bloodied blades for hands, two small ponies passed out with a thud. -------------------------------------------------- "You're back soon." Celestia growled from within a pack of heavily armed guards. With the invasion repelled, and Hyperion calmly and brutally executing the remaining Changelings, I had returned to the chapel alongside 6 ponies claiming to be 'The Elements of Harmony', Cadence, the two RPG Loaders from earlier, the soldiers from earlier, and, of course, my father. The bulky Constructor was judging everything in the city, looking at guards for about five seconds each with a worrying intent, before letting out a grunt noise. Our arrival triggered some linchpin that got all of the guards to whip out spears and aim them at we Hyperion troops. "Are you finished destroying my city?" "Yes." I replied calmly. "I also encountered my father, your sister, 2 small home owners who now bear PTSD, 7,153 Changelings, that bitch whose head I squished, and Blueblood. We are finished." "Wait," Celestia cut in, stepping out of her guards and in front of me. "You have met my sister?" "Yes, I met and fought alongside your sister. Might I say she has fine skills with a blade." "Well, did she not try to destroy you?" "Yes." "That's a lie." "How?" "You're still alive." "I explained I was originally human, and she said we would discuss later. I have not seen her since earlier, and now is later." "She's most likely sorting something out. But...I suppose I owe you thanks." "For defending you?" "For defending Equestria. If it weren't for your army's intervention, Equestria surely would have fallen." "Do not thank me. Thank my father for making me." I gestured wth a blade to my father, who had planted his trio of legs sharply into the carpet and obliterated the floor below. "Playing sound file #120698." MIC-K3 said. "Heyoooooooo!"
"Well, my...large destructive washing machine," Celestia sighed, stepping forward a few feet. I was looking down at her, as per usual. "I suppose thanks are in order. You saved a city, my student, and a Royal Wedding all in one day, brought potential diplomatic opportunities to Equestria, and gave our builders more work to do." "Apologies." I replied. "I did not consider how flimsy marble walls are to Titanium-A plate 500RPM rotating blades. Hyperion can fix that." Celestia rolled her eyes. "Hmmph." she grunted. "As I was saying, you have done this country a favour. I cannot think of any way to repay a two tonne, walking mining vehicle, besides a bit of polish and repair-work. And might I ask, why is your eye green?" "Simple optical sensor replacement. A Hyperion Engineer had it replaced when the first few cracks appeared. As an added effect of depleted-uranium as a filament for an optics sensor, the EMP I can release now has a radiation poisoning effect. I might suggest Hyperion HAZMAT inspects local buisnesses, homes, and dead bodies." "On it." a voice replied from behind. I turned my upper body 154.8°, and looked to see a pair of men in golden suits, both wearing backpacks, and both wearing helmets reminiscent of the HEV suit developed by Black Mesa and released for public use in 2043. Both men nodded, and walked out down the stairs to begin a massive scan of anything that had received an electrical overcharge. After a moment of awakward shifting by Celestia's Royal Guards and Hyperion Personell, conversation continued. "So...would you like a clean up?" Celestia smirked, facial expression demonstrating the capability to cause a few soldiers behind to 'hnnng' due to adorableness. I, along with the other loaders (and Constructor), were indifferent. "Affirmative." replied one of the RPG Loaders behind. "Oiling of joints is also a necessity of function for us. Would tha-" "Be possible?" Celestia interuppted. "Yes, it would. Alongside a fresh coat of paint, a polish, an invitation to the REAL wedding, my respect, and a debt from Equestria. Are we agreed?" "Affirmative." I replied. "If it were possible, I would shake your hoof so as the ancient ritual suggests is necessary to seal a deal. I cannot, since I do not have hands. I have mining rotors." Celestia rolled her eyes and laughed. "At least we have an agreement. Once you've had your polishing, it's best you find my sister. After all, you did promise her that questioning." She had a point; I had promised Princess Luna that I would answer her questions. After being dismissed by Celestia, I was told to follow a rather buff stallion to a metal-work building. Obviously, it had been designed to accomodate chariots, wagons, swords, and shields, but this would likely be the first time the building was home to a huge, mechanical, Hyperion PWR Loader. "So," the stallion began, showing traces of a Scottish accent as he began to wipe the green blood stains from my plating. "You're an alien robot?" "Negative." I replied, squatting slightly so the stallion could reach onto the top of my headless torso. "I am not 'alien', at least not in human terms. In your terms, yes: a Hyperion PWR Loader, as well as any other machine with a minor amount of sentience, could be considered 'alien'." "Wow." whistled the colt, spraying polish onto the pistons in my legs. "Real fancy, then. How many of you are there? I mean, the robots?" "According to the Hyperion Network, an estimated 9.3 million Loaders are awaiting the order to be sent down to the surface of this planet." "That's a lot. How can you be sure none of 'em have a screw loose?" "Pun detected, but question received. Malfunctioning Loaders are usually sparking, stuttering, or shaking in some way. One such unit is a GUN Loader on Pandora. He wishes to be human, an impossible task for machines." "Kinda figures. But hey, we can all achieve somethin' if we work for it. I spent years in a downtown mining equipment store, before my work was recognised by the castle and I was pulled up to work here. Course, right now I'm talking to the equivalent of a sentient, two tonne pickaxe that talks and kills monsters, so I definitely made the right choice to leave the old shop behind." "Actually, you might consider these rotors to be the equivalent of a rotary saw that was designed to drill through materials harder than diamond. But yes, your description fits fine." The stallion chuckled quietly, picking up an oil can and pouring small amounts inbetween the gears and cogs that even I didn't know existed. "But, onto your kind again, how many types of you are there?" he asked. "I saw about 5 different kinds running about making things go boom, are there more?" "The current Hyperion production line is producing: PWR, GUN, JET, LWT, RPG, BADASS, SUPER BADASS, SGT, HRL-E, and ARR Loader types. LWT Loaders have no purpose, besides cleaning Hyperion city streets and containing weaponry for law enforcement. ARR Loaders are simply the incorrectly produced GUN Loaders, designed to look like 19th Century Pirates. Badass Loader and Super Badass Loaders make things explode many times, and are a good few feet taller than units like myself. Thankfully, Hyperion weapons lockers are not sentient, so no remorse comes when a Loader inadvertently knocks one over." "Sooo...you're kind of a corporate army?" the stallion asked. "Oh, what some Equestrian companies would do for such power. But, since you'll probably be selling products in Equestria, I assume you'll be flowing the money when talks are complete and agreed on, eh?" "Affirmative." I sighed. "I wished for no part in killing things, I was simply thrown onto this planet from space after the company had my original, human body killed, and put in the AI core inside me. Then, they did the same to the rest of my family. I have set myself the personal goal to find them all, reunite with them, and then...I don't know." "Well, I'm sure you'll find all of them." smiled the colt, before he stood up and wiped his hooves on his fur. "Looks like my work's done here. You'll be pride of your corporate army, along with those two identical ones stood outside." I nodded mentally, thanked the cleaner, and sent one of the RPG Loaders in. I had truly earned some trust. In a Scottish horse, that compared me to a stick with pointy bits on the end, and I'm now accepting offers from a pony Princess that almost inspired heart-attacks in a squad of highly-trained corporate mercenaries. I truly am the most mentally defective Loader ever built.
The only real sound I was making as I moved along was the sound of heavy footsteps, thanks to the oil-and-polish session from a few minutes before. I had been told that Princess Luna would be in her tower, which soared over every other building in Equestria, so it would be a simple matter of rocket thruster jumping up some stairs, and then answering the questions she wanted to ask. When I was almost at the door to the room she was in, it creaked open, revealing a very different looking Princess. She had her mysterious energy-based hair flowing behind her in a pony tail, a small red pair of reading glasses, and a white button-up shirt on. I could only assume this was a stereotypical psychiatrist outfit. She looked at me with an unchanging face as I approached, halting in front of the black door.
"Enter." she said in a monotone voice, sounding almost bored. I did as asked, crouching to enter the doorway, and I was greeted by a strange room. Inside was an almost 'high ranking doctor' feel to the room, with a hardwood floor, deep blue carpet in a splash-like split between both surfaces. On one side was an Oak desk, with a steaming cup of coffee on the top along with several piles of paperwork. On the carpet, however, was a set of chairs. One was a match for another that had been moved aside to make way for a steel girder that was bent to act as a lounge, but the other smaller chair, no doubt for the Princess, had deep red felt with gold trim on it, as well as some cushions.
"Greetings, Princess." I said calmly. "I might ask if this is a psychiatric session. AIs are programmed to experience very little, if any, emotion. Your over-sexualised representation of a psychologist's common outfit has been in vain." Luna blushed furiously.
"This is not sexualised in any way!" she retorted. "And this has nothing to do with your psychology, 'tis but a questioning about humans." She gestured to the girder. "Lie down please." I acknowledged, approaching the girder and attempting as little damage to the floor as possible, I sat on the edge of the girder, rotated my upper body 90° to the right, and lowered myself onto the makeshift couch, scraping against it as my legs slipped on. I reclined as far as I could: but it was very awkward. Luna, meanwhile, elegantly moved to the chair opposite, and sat in it calmly. "First question, how do humans respirate?" she asked bluntly.
"Lungs, as with many other organic creatures." I replied. It wad common knowledge that lungs contained small sacs that filled with air, removing old CO² from the bloodstream to replace it with O² for muscle energy. Obvious. Luna wrote this down with a quill, the quiet ticking of a clock and scratching of a quill being the few noises as I stared at the ceiling.
"OK...next question. How many tentacles can you summon?" she asked. I mentally blinked.
"May I ask where you received this idea of tentacles from?" I replied. Luna was confused.
"We had humans here before even my sister and I were around, and I never received the opportunity to study one." she replied. "I am merely taking my knowledge from history books."
"History books here are incorrect on this topic." I responded. "Better to call upon a human than machine to answer it. He may also bear psychological problems for you to sort out with your over-sexualised outfit."
We did this for a few hours, until night came. This was when my Logic Sensors broke, due to the Princess simply levitating the moon into the sky. I recorded it, and it still confuses Hyperion Engineers to this day as to the levels of energy required to move the moon. However, I saw it happen, so I still know it is true. I also noted the lack of control over my own optic sensor as Handsome Jack himself zoomed in on her backside and stared at it. It had no effect on me, but I could hear him going 'dayum', so likely he enjoyed the view. Luna then returned to the chair, and levitated me onto my feet.
"That will be all." she sighed. "You are aware of your room for the next few nights?" I processed for a moment.
"Negative." I replied.
"Come come then, my little loader," she smiled, before leading me out of the room and down the stairs. It was late at night, and it seemed all the golden guards had either mutated into bat-pony hybrids via Uranium poisoning, or had simply changed shifts. Remembering I had Uranium in my optical sensor anyway, I considered the former of those options. The Princess led me to a familiar door; the same one where the storeroom was kept that housed my squad and I for a night.
"There." she beamed, the smile falling from her face slightly as she noted my stare at the room. "...you don't like it, do you?" I looked at the small blue Princess.
"Negative." I responded. "It is the only place that can accomodate me. That makes it perfect. Appreciations, Princess. I will see you later." Nodding and trotting away, Luna gave me a weak smile and left the quiet hallway. Slowly, I entered the room. In the middle of the room, as there was when I left it, there was the 25X25 cube of crates, the dust doodles, and a large hulk of metal in the corner. I looked closer at the metal thing. It had a glowing red light, two legs, and arms, one of which had a shield.
"BUL." I said.
"Acknowledged."
"Why are you still here?"
"I am a Guard's Pet, now. His identification order is Corporal Sharp Eye, an Austallion."
"Acknowledged. I am to power down now."
"Acknowledged. Safe video-cross referencing."
"Gratitude." I said finally. Then, I did no further business in questioning BUL as to how he still existed, and folded into a box. Then, I was able to power down, and cross-reference the images of Princess Luna's ample posterior with celebrities.