Fred in Equestria
Hello new friend, my name is Fred.
The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said my name is Fred, and I've been very......naaughty.
I'll tell you the story of one fine day, after Courage and I had time to play.
I was on my way back home indeed, but then some events, they did impede.
A flash of blue, pink, white, and green; I found myself in a different scene.
And now my tale begins again, of when I was so.....naaaughty.
Where is this place I find myself?
It's surely not the nutty house, for I am free to go about
my love of being.....naaaughty.
I must admit I am confused; a tree, some grass, and bushes too.
This is not the desert where my love for Courage grew.
Whats this? A bunny! So white and fluffy; it hops around
then looks at me funny. It must have never heard of me
and my habit of being quite.....naaaaughty.
I reach into my trusty bag and find the thing, the thing I brag.
I pull out such a simple device that is the cause of my sin and vice.
The rabbit seems a curious one, he has not left nor tried to run,
which makes this all that much more fun, for now I will be....naaaughty.
I quickly grab the creature tight, and it soon becomes a tenacious sprite.
It pounds and kicks and pulls away, but none of which cause me to sway.
I press the button on my device; I missed the vibrations, they feel so nice.
But now this bunny will pay the price, for letting me be.....naaaughty.
I first go in from top to bottom, like winter, spring, then summer, and autumn.
I get the ears, the face, the back, and then the tale for my next attack.
Like when the bad guys spot a fink, this rabbit turns from white to pink.
It's muffled cries fall on deaf ears, one look at itself and it bursts into tears.
Now that my work is over and done, I drop the rabbit, who starts to run.
It scampers away as quick as can be, the hairless thing runs up into a tree.
As I look down at the pile of fuzz, my heart soars high and my eyelids buzz.
I feel so right, so much at home; I believe the time is now to roam.
Perhaps there are others in this magical land, who wouldn't mind me being....naaaaughty.
I stroll along a worn out trail. I feel so good, I must entail.
Until I stumble upon three young fillies. Ponies they were, this was getting silly.
I walk up to the three young mares, who seem quite shocked and just point and stare.
"Hello" I say in a tone, quite fond; and to my surprise, they did respond.
These ones could talk, that much was clear, their faces displayed confusion and fear.
"It's alright." I assure them right away. "I only wish to laugh and play."
Two of them scream and run away, but one of them decides she'd like to stay.
She had a coat of yellow and mane of red, with the prettiest bow placed on her head.
I say, I said, I say again; she does not run or scream or fend. I think she knows what I intend.
The plan of being....naaaaughty.
She looks at me so curiously, like she's questioning her own reality. I'm clearly the only one of my kind
whom this world has seen so fit to find. I tend to believe things happen for a reason,
which must mean that here, it's shaving season. I will do my duty and do it well.
For who am I to deny this majestic spell? I calmly raise a finger up
and point beyond this pony pup. She turns to see what has caught my eye,
which gives me a chance to let the fur fly.
I tiptoe over to the distracted filly, with the intent of making her a bit more....chilly.
But what is this my ears do hear? It's a group of ponies coming from my rear.
Both I and the filly turn to greet, the knew guests I am about to meet.
There are seven of them with various traits. I see horns, and wings, and is that a snake?
Oh no, it's a dragon I see on the plain, that must mean that I truly am going insane.
But before I admit myself to a cushioned room, I think I'll be a bit....naaaaughty.
The orange one begins to speak; calling the filly over to her tout suite.
So "Apple Bloom" is this young filly's name; It's unfortunate, sad, and such a shame
that these other ponies interrupted our fun little game. But now there are so many of them
whose fur I am obligated to condemn. I will go to them, trusty razor in hand,
and relieve them of as much hair as I can. The yellow filly runs over to the rest of the group
just as the naked bunny emerges from his oaken coop. He runs over to the pink haired mare,
who has nothing but horror in her stare. Then she looks to me with anger in her eyes,
clearly unhappy with the hairless surprise. She tells her friends that I shaved her bunny,
and now they all look at me very funny. "Applejack" sees the razor I hold, then looks to her sister,
then stares at me cold. She has connected the dots, of that I am sure. She knows I plan to be....naaaughty.
The purple unicorn pulls out a paper and quill, and then writes a letter with me standing there still.
The dragon then lights the letter on fire, apparently a princess is what they desire.
But I feel the urge to be naughty once more, so I sprint away before they can implore,
that I stay and wait for this princess of their's, but of course I am feeling quite.....naaaughty.
I pass a small little pond as I run, but a sound causes me to halt in my fun.
For I hear the sound of a creature in need, and the sounds of barking I do indeed heed.
A small dog is struggling to swim in the lake, and without thinking I quickly jump in and take
this dog by the collar and bring it to shore where it coughs up some water, but breaths once more.
It graciously licks the side of my face, so I feel I am just in the next step I take.
Backing away it quickly shakes itself dry, and the fur is so pretty, I feel I could cry.
It reminds me of Courage, with his pink, spotted coat, so this dog getting shaved has already won my vote.
I pick the dog up and read it's little gold tag. "Winona" it reads as I look at my bag.
My razor is out and ready to go. So I let it all loose like a fierce Windigo.
I drive my tool through the small creature's hair, no barking or biting will stave off my flare.
The brown and the white quickly fall to the floor, as my razor moves smoothly through the dog's outer core.
Now I pet young Winona who shivers and whines. "Aw, there there my dear" I say with a sigh.
I reach in my bag and pull out a towel, which I wrap round the dog, who lets out a loud howl.
Oh dear, I am being just.....naaaaughty.
"Come on y'all I heard Winona over here." Is that the same Applejack I hear?
As if it on cue, the ponies find me, and the dog leaps from my arms and rips the towel free.
She runs up to her owner who gasps in shock, for yet another of their friends has been added to my flock.
This time she does not stand and gawk, she charges at me like a predacious hawk.
I do not panic or try to flee, for I'm ready to fulfill my destiny. I grab the pony, who is quite surprised,
and commence my procedure as she widens her eyes. I run my razor through half her mane,
but she struggles and kicks, much to my disdain.
She lifts up a hoof and knocks me right in the face. I now have a tooth that must be replaced.
I hold on tighter, for I hate sloppy work. Being larger than them is a lovely perk.
I then finish up the rest of her head, with her golden locks being that which has fed, my desire to be....naaaughty.
The rest of the group is just staring in shock, but the rainbow pony is of a different stock.
She has seen quite enough and then opens her wings, then she flies to the heavens; I can hear angels sing.
I move on to the tail as she heads back to the ground, I then start to hear a strange whistling sound.
The rainbow maned mare is about to attack, but I hold up her friend, which takes her aback.
She stops her assault with just mere feet to spare, then she lands on the ground, but continues to stare.
I finish the tail and put down my friend, who whimpers and moans as she holds onto her head.
Now "Rainbow Dash" grabs Applejack and flies off, while the rest keep their distance as I let out a cough.
In a few awkward moments I say, "Who is next?", to which no one replies, I suppose I'll just guess.
I have plenty of time to devise my next move, which will undoubtedly be quite.....naaaaughty,
What's this? A voice, so kind yet so firm. It reminds me of something, but I can't recall the term.
I turn to see who speaks behind me, but I shudder at this creature's majesty.
She is large and white and divine to be sure, but that is not the source of her utter allure.
Her mane is that of pure magic it seems, her flowing locks blowing when there is no breeze.
I say I must make her mine, if there was ever a doubt. This beautiful creature has pulled my heart out.
She asks me my name, to which I simply say "Fred". Then she wants to no why I shaved Applejacks head.
But there's no possible way she'd ever understand, I do what I do not just because I can.
To explain my process would be useless and dull, so instead I will simply begin to mull.
I must think of a way to get closer to her, but she seems rather strong, so I must wait and be sure.
This is what I live for, the pieces are set. I will have this princess, of that you can bet.
I wait till she lands between me and her subjects, so that when I pounce there will be on one that objects.
When I make my next move, it catches her completely off guard. I move so quick a mile seems like a yard.
I'm so close to her, I look her dead in the eye, and then she understands the who, what, where, and why.
My razor vibrates with a harmonious tune, I raise my hand up, for the time is quite soon.
She quickly takes action to send me away, her horn powers up and reality sways.
But I will not allow her to deny me my prize. I strike down at her tail and her anger does rise.
My tool does the job and her tail is soon gone, but what happens next, I am not very fond.
I grab her tail's hair, my grip very strong, but her horn just glows brighter, I don't have very long.
I know I cannot claim her mane as mine too, so I quickly maneuver my device right on through.
I cut and I cleave, this has been a fun little game, but a portal appears that just calls my name.
"Leave now!" she screams as I say my goodbyes. I then step through the doorway that captures my eyes.
I still have the tail as a nice souvenir. And she has something from me, so very dear. Oh dear, I'm still being....naaaughty.
I awake with a start on a desolate road. I am back in Nowhere, it is not hot nor cold.
I quickly ask if it was all just a dream, but then I look down to my hand as it gleams.
The princess' tail still flows and sways, I feel so alive for the first time in days.
I put my device back into my bag, and the tail goes in too, I don't mean to brag,
but I have big plans for this tail, of that I am sure, but I cannot give details,
for it must remain pure. I start walking down the road leading west. A familiar excitement welling in my chest.
"Watch where you going you fool!" a man says driving by. Ah, it's good to be back in this world which is mine.
I think back to the princess one last final time, and remember the note I shaved into her side.
With love, Fred.