> how do i maths (a tribute)
>  by tajjetone
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> count to apple
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hi this is a tribute to fancy mathematics by ten speed

one time it was morning and the sun was coming up. it was by a farm but it was morning in a lot of places too. big macintosh woke up because the sun was in his eyes and have you ever tried to sleep with the sun in your eyes it’s really hard. applejack came in and said “are you up yet big brother there is things to eat for breakfast” and he said “yes thank you for reminding me that we eat things in the morning little sister it is good to know” and then he went downstairs and he was hungry and he wanted to eat breakfast. apple bloom was downstairs and she was trying to cook but she was really bad at it. “apple bloom you’re a bad pony and nobody likes you so just stop trying” applejack said to her. big macintosh also remembered how bad his little sister (apple bloom not applejack) was at cooking because she one time tried to make cupcakes with his friend pinkie pie. it didn’t work.

but big macintosh wasn’t downstairs yet because he was still in his room on a chair by the way. so he stood up and started to walk down the stairs in the house he was in. it was also his sister applejack’s and his sister apple bloom’s and his mom or something (i’m too lazy to look this up) granny smith (maybe his grandma) and they were all there except for granny smith maybe. when he got downstairs all the food was burned because apple bloom is literally the worst pony ever. even worse than rarity. the food was pancakes and so they ate them. they are really good food and much better than waffles. big macintosh liked to eat pancakes a lot but he only got a third of them because everyone took the same amount. he was sad about this but he didn’t say anything because it wasn’t polite. big macintosh can only say two words and those are yep and nope but he is really bad at talking anyways so it takes him awhile. they also saved pancakes for granny smith but she was still sleeping.

when they were done eating pancakes apple bloom and applejack washed the dishes. they thought this was an unnecessary perpetuation of traditional gender roles but big macintosh didn’t seem to mind not helping them. granny smith also came in because she woke up. she takes longer to wake up because she’s old. that’s also why she doesn’t do any work. she just sits in her rocking chair all day. big macintosh went to a study to do math because he’s good at it. he thinks he’s good at it because he’s a stallion (a guy pony) and that’s also why none of his sisters are smart. one time he liked cheerilee and she was funny and smart and nice but then she dumped him because she only liked him because she was taking a love potion. the jury didn’t really believe that though so he almost had to go to pony jail. that’s like jail for ponies.

one time pinkie pie came over to big macintosh’s house and she was looking at a thing. it was a plane. he was building a plane because he was tired of the pegasuses having flight privilege. cisprivilege is something that bothered big macintosh but not when he had it. big macintosh is the type who goes on r/mensrights all the time. he’s really annoying. big macintosh scratched at his neckbeard idly and told pinkie pie not to mess with his things because he was a stallion so he was smarter than her. pinkie pie knew how it worked though because sometimes she breaks from canon just to make something seem funny even though it isn’t. then she gave him a lot of supplies because deus ex equus is best plot device.

then big macintosh built a plane.

then he flied a lot and pinkie pie painted it pink (lol thats a lot of pink) and then he felt emasculated and uncomfortable at the fact that sometimes women can make decisions too. he did a lot of flying and that takes up a long time so just read this very slowly to get the full effect. he flew and he flew and he flew. applejack didn’t like that he was exercising flight privilege but he said that didn’t matter because she was a mare. this was not very kind of him. she also didn’t like that he was a misogynist and big macintosh laughed. they were eating and she said bad things about the fact that he utilized mathematics and that made him cry. she apologized and he said something like “oh that’s fine applejack” but he didn’t really mean it. one of these days, applejack. one of these days.

one time he flew and he flew over the market (it was night time) and he flew to the twibrary (that’s like twilight sparkle’s tree-library-thing) and he knocked on the door. because he had twilight’s doll. this is something that belonged with mares, not stallions. he was uncomfortable and felt emasculated by the fact that he owned a doll. so he wanted twilight to have it. because he was giving her something, maybe she’d like him. big macintosh liked that idea. he liked it very much because a lot of times mares didn’t like him at all. they called him mean names like “misogynist.” he knocked on it (the door) twice because she was a woman and so might have made a mistake. then he saw twilight sparkle and he felt many different things. twilight sparkle is smart and also a mare. this confused him and brought a lot of dissonance because he wanted to uphold consistency both in his policy of not letting mares be better than him and also in liking to make sexual advances. he decided to go with the latter.

to be continued.