> Letters From the Path of Loss
>  by Tavi n Scratch
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> 1st, One Month After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	My Dearest Rainbow Dash,

It has been one month since your passing. Princess Celestia recommended that I write you a letter whenever I feel saddened or whenever I miss you. And that is the case right now, I miss you more than mere words can say, my heart longs to be with you once more. The days we spent together will always be the greatest days of my life. I still have trouble believing you are gone, which shows that I am currently in the denial stage of grief. 

I apologize if I come off as cynical, it seems to be my only defense against the sorrow and the tears. I’ve never really been much of a crier, always attempting to keep my chin up and hide my emotions inside. But in this span of time, I have really let go. I haven’t really been the same this past month, so a change of pace, in the form of writing this letter, is welcome. 

What I would not give to have you here again, to have you wrap me in your soft wing, to have you smile that wondrous smile, to be with you once more. I love you Rainbow Dash, and the fact that you are no longer here changes this fact none. Nothing could ever lessen the love I have for you. Only time can heal the wounds of losing you. I’m grateful to have had you in my life, and I hope that we can one day meet again and we can simply be together once more.

It still is difficult for me to get around, this emotional blow has left me quite weak. Please don’t be disappointed, I will try to get out more, I will try to be happy again, because that’s what you want. Whenever I was stressed or down for any reason, you were there, offering a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and a voice of reason. You always hated to see me frown, and your love was always there to make me feel better. 

I am very grateful that we were able to have the wedding before all of this happened, grateful to have been bound to you for eternity. This reassurance often helps when I feel down. I still remember the ceremony clear as day, each detail is vividly imprinted into my memory. I remember how dazzling you looked in your gown that Rarity had designed for you, I remember your grin as we exchanged vows, I remember the joy and love I felt as we kissed. I even remember how you stuffed some of the cake in my face, how I felt angry for only the shortest of moments, then we both burst into laughter. I was never able to stay angry at you.

But remembering is not always such a grand thing, sometimes it hurts too much. I remember how you woke up coughing, but you tried your hardest to convince me it was nothing and shrug it off. I remember how you were adamant against going to the doctor, how you insisted you were fine. I remember how I believed you. If only I had been more forceful or acted sooner, you might still be here.

I remember how you got sicker and sicker until you finally let me take you to the hospital, how the doctors quickly went to work doing their jobs, how they ran so many tests. I remember when I received the news. How one of them told me how sick you were. I remember being told you would not make it through the night. How a few hours later, a nurse walked up to me and put a hoof on my shoulder, silently shaking her head.

I remember how I fell apart. 

Losing you hurt more than anything else ever had in my life. I thought I had known the meaning of sadness. I was naive. But I am glad I was able to spend all the time that I possibly could have with you.

The other day I fell asleep in the shade of the branches of a willow tree in the palace gardens, it was just like our tree, and I had the most wondrous of dreams, though I do believe I’ll save that for another letter. I have been plagued with awful nightmares ever since I have been sleeping alone, but this dream was beautiful.

I do find all of this rather odd, I am writing a letter to my deceased wife, knowing very well that she’ll never receive it, that she will be unable to reply. And yet somehow I feel much better than I did when I first sat down to write this. I guess even now you are still able to console me. And for that I thank you. I suppose Celestia was right, this has seemed to help me. I look forward to writing to you more often. It would be amazing if you could write back, but I’m just dreaming out loud.

I miss you more than I could ever possibly express in writing, I wish only to have one more day with you; you were taken from me all too fast. I need only to say goodbye, to hold you once more. One last day to have closure, you deserved a better farewell than words spoken to your lifeless body in a cold hospital room.

No matter how separated we seem, we will always have one another in our hearts and in our minds. Even the veil of death cannot separate us, although I must admit that I say this more for my own comfort rather than yours. I will always love you, and I pray  that you will always feel the same towards me.


Your companion, friend, and wife,
Miss Twilight Dash
> 2nd, One Month and Two Days After Death
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	My Dear Dash,

I know it has only been two days since my previous letter, but I felt the need to write to you, hope you don't mind. After my first letter I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, and it was the best I have felt since you passing. These letters are a fantastic way to cope with the lot that life has given me.

Looking back at my other letter, it was very one-sided and dreadfully written, I sincerely apologize for that. How are you doing? How is the weather where you are? Speaking of which, where are you? Many scholars debate about the afterlife, and I'm quite curious which of them is right, if any.

Look at me, always bringing everything back to knowledge. Sorry about the that. I really miss you. It’s an odd phenomenon, feeling lonely even when I’m surrounded by others. No kind words can compare to your gentle touch. I feel guilty for shrugging off the girls, even though they claim it’s fine and that they understand.

I’m still staying in the palace. I just can’t bring myself to return to the library, the place will seem so empty without you. It’s hard to sleep without you, I just lie there and often cry. I know you hate it when I cry, so I’ll try harder to stop my tears.

Even though this letter is shorter than my first I feel that I’ve rambled long enough, I feel that my writing is unbearably bad at this point in time. I’ll talk to you later.

With Love,
Twilight Dash
> 3rd, Two Months After Death
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My Dearest Dash,

It’s been two months now, two slow, lonely and painful months. I woke up this morning and I, for some odd reason, expected you to be here. I reached out for you but you weren’t there. I’m unsure of what I expected, but when my hoof touched nothing I was unable to breathe.I often act like it doesn’t hurt, like I don’t miss you, but our friends can see right through my shaky facade. Sometimes I feel weak, like I should be able to tough this out, but the loneliness is just overwhelming.

I’m actually writing this letter on the train, heading back to Ponyville. I decided that I’ve spent enough time away from home so I packed up and began the journey back. Rarity and Pinkie Pie are here with me, they stayed with me and helped me make it through these past two months. Applejack and Fluttershy had to go home early to attend to their duties. It’s been three months since I’ve seen home, and I miss it very much. But I don’t expect it to be at all similar to how it was with you around. 

Although the only difference will be your absence, home will never be the same without you there. Night has been dreadful, it is nearly impossible for me to fall asleep when I’m alone. Your warm body next to mine always eased anxiety and melted fears. You made me feel safe, and you made me feel loved.

I remember before we ever got together, how my self esteem wasn’t always at the best it could be. I never felt pretty or funny or fun to be with, I just felt average. But then you made me feel special. Everyday I spoke to you, you made me feel beautiful. I was often worried that my affection for you was one sided, that somepony as magnificent as you could never love somepony as simple as me. And for that reason I will always remember that day.

I was lying under a willow tree, reading a book as I often do. However, whilst reading I could hear the faint sounds of wingbeats somewhere in the distance. I looked up from my books to see you zooming around in the distance, putting clouds into place. For a second I was concerned, trying to remember if a storm was scheduled for the day. As the realization dawned on me, the first raindrops had already begun to fall. A big rainstorm was scheduled and I had completely forgotten. But then, a blur of color came speeding towards me. It was you.

You landed next to me and asked if I was okay, I made some general complaint about my books getting wet. You chuckled and sarcastically called me an egghead, but then you looked me in the eye and asked again if I was alright. I was confused for a second, and replied saying it was a bit chilly. Then you stepped next to me and draped a wing over my shoulder, and I felt myself shudder slightly. You giggled a bit and my face began to burn. I tried to walk away but you just held me tighter and told me it was alright.  You said we could wait out the rain underneath the tree and we laid down.

The calm sound of the rain had made me doze off. I opened my eyes to see you looking into the distance, I took in all the details of your beautiful face, especially your smile. As you stared off, you had a calm, tranquil smile. You turned to look at me and I quickly averted my gaze. Again you laughed with the sound of bells chiming. Our eyes met, and then we shared that moment of time. 

And then you kissed me. That was the happiest moment of my entire life. Everything froze and I was the happiest mare in all of Equestria. We just stayed in there in gentle embrace until a glint on the edge of my vision caught my eye. I turned to see a beautiful rainbow span across the orange sky, just as the sun set. Then you leaned to my ear and whispered the three words I had longed most to hear but feared I never would. And Now I repeat those words to you.

I love you.

Writing this out has helped so much, and helped me remember how much of a blessing you have been in my life. I love you, and I look forward to writing to you even more.

With Love, Forever and Always
-Twi
> 4th, Two Months and Four Days After Death
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My true love Dash,

Right now I am very full of memories, a powerful wave of nostalgia is flooding my mind. Currently I’m sitting under the shade of a willow near a meadow of lavender. I’m under our tree, next to our field. I even brought along a picnic basket. When I was packing up lunch, I accidentally made two sandwiches. Tears began to fall down my face as I threw it away, I feel so lonely. It is so calm out here, so quiet. If I close my eyes I can imagine you sleeping peacefully just off to the side. It’s not a huge comfort, but it calms down the storm of emotions. I guess denial is still my only form of comfort.

I made it back to Ponyville just fine, although the first couple days back were pretty bad. I went to the library to unpack and the echo was audible. Spike is staying in Canterlot, as I thought that it was the best option, for both of our sakes. I walked up into our room, and the first thing I saw was your Wonderbolts poster. It was too much. I dropped my bags and left. I ended up at Sugarcube Corner and the girls got together to cheer me up. It was nice to be together with them, but it just reminded that you aren’t here.  I couldn’t stand to go home, so Rarity invited me over for the night. When I woke up I was hit by the inspiration to come here, to the place where we wiled away summer days, just chatting and enjoying the chance to be together.

Those days are now far past. Regardless, I promised you that I’d relay the story of my dream to you, and that’s just what I’ll do. The dream began with me lying quietly beneath our tree, the world around me is peaceful. I stood up and looked around for you, but when I turned back I was greeted with a surprise.

From my back sprouted a pair of magnificent wings. I was stunned, I just stared back at the mysterious and foreign appendages. I was jolted back into reality by a familiar voice, it was yours. “Come on up, the weather’s great.” Tentatively, I spread my new wings, moving them around to get a feeling of how they move. “It’s not that hard, just take off and your wings will kick in.” I looked down at the ground, shuffling my hooves, feeling a bit unsure, but then the words you speak fill me with faith, “Trust me Twi, I’m right here, and I will never let you fall.”

With your reassurance I coil up and leap off into the sky. My wings begin to move almost involuntarily, it takes very little effort to move through the air. I rise up and burst through the clouds and see a world I never dreamed of. It spread out forever, hills and valleys were etched into the skyscape. The fluffy world reflected the colors around it, from stormy blues to blazing oranges, icy grey to bubblegum pink. To call it beautiful would be an extreme understatement, words could not capture the scene, and any description would not do it justice. 

I looked up to see a familiar splash of color move towards me. “What do you think?” I was speechless. You had taken me flying before, but I had never seen anything like this. My wings began to beat irregularly, the beauty was literally overwhelming. I started to panic as the world blurred, I was falling fast. Before I could even make a sound, you were there, you caught me. You were there for me.

I regained composure and begin to fly once more. Then we took off, towards the horizon, not a care in the world. All we had was love, and it was all we needed.

And then the dream ended.

I miss you.

With all of my love,
-Twi
> 5th, Two Months and Two Weeks After Death
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	Rainbow Dash,

Dammit, how could you just leave me? I know it’s not your fault, but you wouldn’t go to the damn hospital. You just had to be stubborn. If you could’ve just listened to somepony who’s clearly smarter than you, I mean could you not just use a bit of common sense. But no, you just had to be the bull headed and ignorant pony you are. This is your own fault. How could you?

I guess that is a bit unfair, a good amount of all of this is my fault. I didn’t even see it coming. A lot of good all this studying does me, I wasn’t even able to protect the one mare I care about more than anything else in this world, I’m just stupid and blind. I could’ve done so much more, I could have even saved you, but I was weak. I am weak.

How could this world be so cruel? How is it possible to have a sad ending in a world where friendship can defeat demons. Why can’t there just be some spell to bring you back? Why can’t there just be a magical solution to all problems?

I’m sorry, I’m not really mad at you, I just feel angry. I knew this would happen, it’s a stage of grief and is therefore inevitable. I feel trapped here, lashing out at anything and anyone. I’m turning into a monster, but it will past. I can’t believe I snapped at Fluttershy today. My words clearly hurt her, but she just put on a facade, trying to spare my own feelings. I don’t deserve friends like these, I don’t deserve a happy ending, and most of all I don’t deserve you.

Or rather, didn’t.

I’m so so sorry,
-Twi
> 6th, Three Months After Death
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	My dearest Rainbow Dash, 

I am so so sorry. I don’t know what got into me the other day. That letter was just unfair to you, I feel so bad. Knowing how you are, you’ve probably already forgiven me, and yet I can’t really forgive myself. It was difficult for you to hold a grudge against any of your friends. You were amazing and I miss you. I’m sorry.

I’ve been sitting here for a while, just pondering about life and its fragility, as if I were some noble philosopher. I’m really just a mare, a simple mare who misses her wife. What I wouldn’t give to have you back. I’d throw away my magic just to have you back, I’d give up anything. 

Just look at me, so weak. Then again I am just one unicorn, and it is entirely natural for me to go through the stages of grief. I’ve finished with denial, I’m past anger, and now I’m trudging through bargaining. 

It feels unfair, how many ponies get to go through life with their special somepony by their side? How many get their little happily ever after? And I’m just left here alone. Why couldn’t have just been me instead. Actually no,that’d leave you in the position I’m in, and I couldn’t wish that upon anypony. Instead, if only the sickness that too you took me as well, then neither of us would be without our other half.

It’s just so lonely. I’ve looked and looked, there is no possible magic that could bring you back, nothing that could reverse time to before you got sick. I’d do anything to have another moment with you.

I love you Dash.

With all love possible,
-Twi
> 7th, Four Months and Five Days After Death
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	Dearest Rainbow Dash,

Today is Hearts and Hooves day, it’s been a year now. One year ago you took a chance and kneeled in front of me, it’s been a year since you proposed. I honestly cannot decide which has been the day of my life, but that day certainly makes the list. And I most definitely will never forget it.

I woke up early in the morning and you weren’t there, instead sat a rose and a little note, “When you wake up meet me at Sugarcube Corner.” I remember being a bit disappointed that I slept in, I had planned to make you breakfast in bed. I hopped out of bed and made my way to the bakery, a gift for you in my bag. Remember that necklace I gave you, the one with a perfectly prismatic diamond, one that shined a different color every time it moved the slightest bit. A rainbow diamond, extremely unique, extremely valuable. Rarity tried to give me a discount, but I remember refusing it over and over again. Oh I was just so silly, Twilight Sparkle, always a martyr.

Anyways, I was heading to Sugarcube Corner, feeling quite proud of my gift. If only I’d known what was in store for me that day. I walked into the shop and saw you in one of the corner booths. As soon as you saw me your face lit up. You’ll never know how happy it made me to see you smile, and how it was even greater to be the reason you were smiling. You waved me over to the booth and we sat together, an entire platter of my favorite cinnamon rolls sat on the table. Breakfast was great.

We went for a little walk in the park and stopped at a diner for lunch. You took me bowling and we had a blast, it was hilarious, neither of us could bowl to save our lives. And then began the memorable night. I gave you the pendant and your face lit up, as if this was the best possible gift. Then you said that you had a present for me. You offered to take me flying and we went soaring through the clouds. The entire sky was set on fire by the evening sun. I tasted the delicious air and speed, it was extraordinary.

You slowed down and began to descend, eventually landing underneath a very familiar looking tree. We sat beneath the willow, gazing out onto the sunset. Then you began to speak, I’ll never forget that moment, nor the words you spoke. “Hey, Twi today’s been pretty great, don’t you think? Well I’ve got a question for you.” You walked in front of me and kneeled on the ground. “Would you do me the pleasure of sharing many more days like this with me? Twilight, will you marry me?”

I was breathless. The wedding band was beautiful, but I couldn’t care less about it. The proposal was the most wondrous thing I could ask for. “Yes.” I squeaked out, barely audible. That was a moment of pure bliss, one of the happiest of my life. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, you were there. I guess I felt it needed to be shared. I love you, and I love that you love me.

Today has felt very hollow. Seeing all of the couples together all the happiness that they have. I don’t think I envy them, I think it’s more than that. I feel almost angry. I guess now that I think about it I know why. They’re so naive, all of them. They don’t understand how lucky they are, to be able to spend their day with their special somepony, it just makes me sad. They don’t know how lucky they are to be able to spend this special day with someone that loves them.

It’s not fair. Then again it’s never fair, life picks favorites, gives some ponies a free ride and drags others through hell. I guess we are just a couple of the unlucky ones, don’t you think? Anyways it’s been awhile since I’ve updated you on the happenings here in Equestria, I’ll fill you in everything important.

I’ll start back at the funeral. Actually, I’ll wait on that, it’s still kind of hard to think about that. Even now it’s making me cry, I wish you were here, you could always make me feel better, regardless of whatever was troubling, I miss you so much Rainbow Dash.

Oh look at me, digressing. Sorry about that. Anyways, they put your flight suit up in the Wonderbolts museum. I was so proud of you, you reached your dream, you became a Wonderbolt, one of the best, and if I may add, my personal favorite. Ponies will remember you forever now. I hope that makes you happy.

In other news, Pinkie Pie and Applejack are now an official couple. I’ve had my suspicions for a while, the two of them seem to gel together very well. I’m really happy for them, and admittedly a bit jealous.

Well here’s hoping you’ll be my special somepony this Hearts and Hooves day. I love you, have a great holiday.

Your Special Somepony, 
Twilight Dash
> 8th, Four Months and Three Weeks After Death
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	Dear Rainbow,

I’m not feeling great, and it turns out I’m pretty sick. I woke up the other morning with a terrible migraine, and I could tell something was off. My memories off you kinda blurred together into a mess of everything that I remember of you. Whenever I thought of you my head was filled with immense pain. I went to the doctor and they ran all the tests. You may want to sit down, this next part is a bit heavy.

In the mind of a unicorn, the part that creates magic is intertwined with the part that regulates love, thus explaining the magic of friendship. Well when you died it would seem that a bit of the part of my brain that controls love shutdown to cope with the loss. Well now that piece has touched with the magical section. The doctors say they have never seen anything like this and are unsure how to proceed with it, but for now they’d like to monitor me.

Dash, I’m scared, I need you, I need you to tell me to be brave and to toughen up. I need some of that right now. I’m afraid I’ll lose my memories, that I’ll forget everything you were and still are to me. I am not able to bear the thought of not being able to remember Rainbow Dash, the love of my life. They said that is a possibility, memory loss. Oh how I hope that is not the case.

I’m writing this from the hospital bed, and even though I love writing to you it is hurting my head. It hurts to remember, but it would hurt so much more to forget. I’ve always hated hospitals, they always feel so dark and cold. The machinery slowly ticking away time. The white tile floor and the comfortable beds that are impossible to be comfortable in. The entire place is so sterile, devoid of life and happiness and hope.

This is a place where the young and the beautiful and the loved ones die young. Where life is just not fair. Where I lost the one closest to me.

My head just hurts too much now, I’ll write to you later.

With love,
Twi
> 9th, Five Months After Death
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	Dearest Rainbow,

I’m out of the hospital and I cannot express how happy I am to be out of that place. The hospital just sapped all of my energy, as well as the little bit of happiness that I had. All that visit did was remind me how much I miss you, and remind how much it hurts to wake up without you every morning. But I feel like I’m just repeating myself.

Today was interesting, to say the least. Before I was released from the hospital, one of the neurologists explained what happened as best she could. When that piece of my mind was damaged, my body used a form of magic, specifically a memory spell, in an attempt to mend the injury. Apparently the spell worked too well, but the doctors don’t really know what it means. I don’t really know what it means, even with all my studying, anatomy is kinda low on my list.

So here I am, something is wrong with my memories but nopony, myself included, knows what the problem is, nor what it means. You and I both know how much I hate not knowing. However, as far as I can tell, I have full access to my memories, even if recalling them gives me a headache.

I’m confused Rainbow, I’m confused and I’m scared, but for now I’ll just be grateful that I’m out of the hospital. It’s nice to be home, even if it’s lonely. I feel like I belong here. I feel happy to be in the place of so many of our happiest memories, even if remembering hurts.
I remember your last birthday that we had here. It makes me laugh I tried so hard to keep it a secret that a new Daring Do book had been released, it was such a struggle keeping everypony from letting out a peep about it. Oh, but it was definitely worth it in the end, the look of surprise when you opened the gift, you were so shocked that you hadn’t heard of it. Watching your face light up, it gave me a feeling that nothing could ever replace.

Like I said, remembering hurts, and it takes so much energy from me. I’m tired and my head is killing me, I’ll write to you again later.

Talk to you later, 
Twi
> 10th, Five Months and Twelve Days After Death
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	Dear Dashie,

I had something very peculiar happen to me earlier today. I was at the market this morning, I was planning on picking up some stuff for a salad, when it happened. I know it’s impossible, but for some reason I need to keep telling myself that. I’m just overthinking this whole thing, that would explain the headache.

Anyways, while at the market I could’ve sworn I saw a pegasus with a cyan coat and a multicolored mane. I thought I saw you. I was going to approach you, or whatever or whoever it was, but as I stepped towards it it felt like my head split open. I was suddenly overcome by a horrible migraine, and my body crumpled to the ground. My vision blurred but I could’ve sworn the pegasus began to walk toward me. Then I fell unconscious.

I’m unsure of what to make of today’s events, but I have pretty much established one thing: what happened today and my memories of you are somehow connected. The head doctor back at the hospital wants me to go back so he can monitor me and run more tests. I don’t want to go back there, but I understand that this is the best, if not the only way to discover what is going on.

I’ll be returning to the hospital tomorrow, I’ll be going back to the place I despise most in the entire world. Wish me luck, I’m terrified. But then again, the possibility of what could happen without going there, it just worries me too much.

Okay, I have an idea. You watch over me tomorrow from wherever you are, and I’ll try my best to be brave. Deal?

I love you,
Twi
> 11th, Five Months and Two Weeks After Death
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	Dearest Dash,

I hate it here, I hate it here so much. Everywhere here is just a reminder of loss and pain. When I’m here I can only think about the bad things in life, I guess that’s why I’m writing this, it helps me remember the good things, even if they’re gone. I hate it here, but it’s nice to be able to write this.

Well actually, I’m technically not supposed to be writing this. Doctor said that these letters may actually be causing damage in my brain. If that’s the case then I can honestly say that I don’t care. These letters, my communication with you, are the only thing that keep me from locking myself in the library and breaking down. 

I’m afraid that I can only bring upon you bad news. All of the doctors are confused, they understand what happened to cause this and why this happened, but they have no idea what is going on now nor how to help it in any way. I’m scared, scratch that, I am terrified. I know I promised to be brave, and I’m trying, but I just can’t.

The night here is so quiet. I remember a long time ago, a certain pegasus broke into the hospital to finish reading a book. A certain pegasus who didn’t want to be an egghead. A certain lovely, hilarious, loyal, charming and all around dazzling pegasus. She also happened to end up becoming my wife. And I loved her with all my heart, and I still do, and I always will, no matter what.

Tomorrow I begin a few of the more... procedural medical exams. The ones with big needles and the like. I hate needles, you know that.  I have an active fear of anything than can stick itself into my skin. It makes me shudder, I hope these tests are conclusive. I hate being in the dark. I feel another migraine coming on,

I’ll talk to you later, love you.
Twilight.
> 12th, Five Months and Three Weeks after Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Dear Rainbow,

I had a nightmare last night. I haven’t had a nightmare in forever, but I had one last night. I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart was pounding and I kept telling myself that it was just a dream. But now that I think about it, it was a whole lot more. The dream felt like just a normal day, but something felt so off. Sorry to drag you into this story but I feel the need to share.

Anyway, I was standing in the streets of Canterlot in the middle of the day. Ponies bustled around me, all of them in a rush and not paying much attention to those around them. I looked around and in the corner of my eye there was a bright flash of light blue, I knew it was you, but when I looked I saw nothing. I could’ve sworn it was you.

I moved on through the streets, no real goal in mind, just wandering. I knew the roads of Canterlot well, but I felt so lost. I turned a corner into an alley, and there you were, hunched over, sobbing and panting. I stepped towards you with caution. You looked and saw me, you yelled at me. I didn’t understand what you said, but you were furious. I felt so bad, I had done something wrong but I had no idea what.

You flew away, looking as if you never wanted to see me again. I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry. I woke up in a cold sweat.

I’m so scared.

Twi
> 13th, Six Months After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Dear Rainbow, 

The doctors have an idea of how to find out exactly what is wrong. I’m a bit relieved, I’ll be able to know the issue and how to fix it. I just want to be better, I want all of this to be finished.

Yet part of me desires to remain ignorant, perhaps whatever my ailment is, it would be more easily dealt with blindly. Knowing what I’m up against may just scare me to the point that I give up, that is the last thing I want.

Please, just please watch over me, help me feel safe, help me feel loved, help me feel like I am not alone. I will go find out the problem, together we’ll be able to fight whatever it is. It is time for me to go now, I will update you once I know more.

Don’t leave me,
Twilight
> 14th, Six Months and One Day After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Rainbow,

I’m dying.

At least that’s what they’re telling me. They say that while I still access my memories of you, corrosive magic will leak through my brain, wearing away at my mental capacity, weakening my intelligence, ruining my motor skills, destroying who I am, but I will be able to remember you until the end.

My other option is a surgery to quarantine that area of my mind, blocking off all memories to you. I’ll remember nothing of you, my memories will just be grey fog of ignorance.

My options are lose what is most important to me and keep everything else, or to lose it all except you.

I’ll sleep on it, but I’m almost certain I know my choice.

Twilight
> 15th, Six Months and Two Days After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Rainbow,

I refuse to forget you, I’m sorry.

I will always love you,
Twilight
> 16th, Six Months and One Week After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	My dearest Rainbow,

Please don’t be angry with me, I know what my choice means, I know the implications. I’ve made my decision and that is that. I love you too much to just let you go. Everything you were and still are to me. All of that is easily worth it, if I lost everything about you then I would truly lose everything about me. I never knew what it meant to live before I knew you, so forgetting you would be a fate worse than death.

I talked to the doctors. They tried their best to convince me otherwise, but it was pointless. Once I set my mind to something then that’s that. A little trait I picked up from you I guess. They told me that to not accept the procedure was to forfeit life, I told them that I understood that perfectly, and that I was making this choice in clear conscious and full comprehension of my situation.

They said that this is crazy, and I know. Finally they relinquished, and did a few final tests. From what they can tell I have about six months left to live, six months to remember you. Six months until I join you. I feel excited and terrified, relieved and scared, hopeful and anxious. I feel everything. It hurts, it all hurts.

I’m back home now, in the library. The girls are worried about me, I’ve told them nothing of any of this, only that I was at the hospital for headaches and that they’ve released me. I’m glad to be out of there. I don’t know how to tell any of this to any of them.

On the train yesterday I had another weird hallucination, I could’ve sworn I saw a lightning fast, cyan pegasus with a multi-colored mane flying back and forth outside of my compartment. I thought I saw you, but of course it wasn’t, it was just my mind playing tricks, that’s all. But then I got another headache, a migraine that made me curl up and clamp my eyes shut.

I wish you were here, just so I could curl up under your wing and forget my cares. So we could go on a picnic and waste the day away. I guess now is the time to accept it, I’m going to die, not as in someday or eventually, I’m going to die in six months.

I need time to think, I’ll write you again later.

Love, 
Twilight
> 17th, Six Months and Nine Days After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Dear Rainbow, 

I feel so lonely. Why am I so lonely? I’ve been here in bed all day, just lying in bed. I’ve not even gotten up to eat yet. I’m not really hungry, I haven’t been hungry for a few days now. And even if I was hungry I’m not sure I’d have the energy or drive to actually make myself something to eat. I just feel hollow.

From a scientific perspective it is quite clear, I am in a catatonic state, unable to fully comprehend what has just happened to me, what I’ve chosen to do; forfeit my life. I chose to give up the life I would have spent without memory of my wife and I have no regrets. This whole ordeal was just too much for my body and mind to take. That’s from a scientific perspective.

If only it felt as simple as it actually was. I perfectly understand what is going on but that helps none. I feel cold on the inside, blank and empty.The world around me has fallen out of focus. It could be so easy to just let myself become discouraged, I just need to give in.

But I won’t do that. For her. I will not let go until I can do nothing else. I will hold out hope and I will hold out love. I will make it from day to day until we meet again. That is really motivation enough, at the end of this ordeal I get to be with you once more.

Just one condition: you must help me through this.

Always yours,
Twilight
> 18th, Six Months and Three Weeks After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Dearest Dash,

I thought it might help me if I wrote you a letter about the mundane, just avoiding my current situation, my loss of mental focus and grip on memories.

It’s applebuck season again; we’re all going out in a couple days to help Applejack and Big Macintosh. I’m glad she’s willing to accept help now, I mean two stubborn years in a row, it was comical but also a bit saddening. But this year she’s finally relinquished, and I’m glad the rest of us will be able to help.

Rarity’s clothing line was selected by some new upcoming fashionista, somepony named Silver Screen, and Rarity is ecstatic. Silver Screen has a big fashion show up in Canterlot and she invited Rarity to be the main designer. She was just so excited, it was hilarious to the rest of us. We’re all happy for her and hope she does well.  She’s leaving next week.

Rainbow Dash is the same as usual, but it feels like it’s been awhile since I last saw her, I wonder where she is. Well, wherever she is I’m sure she’s having fun, that’s what she does.

Pinkie’s been running the bakery more and more often, the cakes say that they’re preparing her for when they retire. It’s funny, you’d never think Pinkie to be responsible enough to run her own bakery, but she’s actually doing a great job. Also, she’s teaching the Cakes’ babies to talk; it really is adorable.

Fluttershy isn’t really up to much, she just takes care of her animals. I actually haven’t seen her lately, but last I saw she seemed very sad, I think she misses Rainbow, much like myself. I’m sure that when Rainbow gets back Fluttershy will perk up again.

As for me, I’m doing just fine, even if I am a bit lonely.

Sincerely,
Twilight
> 19th, Seven Months After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	My Dear Rainbow,

I had that nightmare again, the one in Canterlot, with the crowd and the alley. She was there again, as always. She yelled at me again, just like the times before. I woke up crying, same as every other time. But it was different last night, in the dream everything became more clear. Only once it cleared up had I realized how murky it was before, like not knowing what clear vision is until you put on glasses. I could see the world around me, and the indistinct flash of blue became a clear view of Dash walking past.

And then I made it to the alley. My wife started to yell, only this time I could understand some of her words. The things Rainbow yelled at me. She told me to leave, she said run, but I didn’t move. She got angry, told me I never knew when to let go. She flew off with anger.

I felt bad, as if I’d made a mistake, as if I was a disappointment. It all felt like I made a wrong choice and you were trying to tell me. But somehow I know, I’m too late, there’s no point. I wish I could just know what she wants me to do to fix this.

I’m glad I still have you though, you would never yell at me; if there was ever an issue then we would just work it out together. Together, we have all the love we could ever possibly need, as well as each other. Why did you have to die, why is this world the cruel place that it is? I guess nature needed to find a balance. One could not just have somepony as amazing as you in their life and get off scott free. There needs to be an equalizing factor, and I guess that factor would be your death.

But I must truthfully say that I don’t know who I miss more, you or my wife, it’s a tough choice, and hopefully I’ll never have to choose between you two, that may just kill. I guess that’s irrelevant since I’m dying anyways.

I love you, both of you,
Twilight
> 20th, Seven Months and One Week After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Dear Rainbow Dash, 

I saw her today, for the first time in a long time I saw my wife. She was just as beautiful as I remember. I saw her at the market, she was looking at Rose’s stall, smelling the lovely flowers. I felt so much right then, at that moment. My world froze as I gazed towards the mare I had so longed to see. I just stopped, being too flabbergasted to even think. 

As I stared, she turned around, greeted me with a simple “Hey Twi” and kept on going. I was stunned, the first time I’ve seen her in a little over seven months and all she says was hey. I was in shock. When I regained my composure I looked around but she was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began to search around Ponyville.

After hours of looking, I had no luck. I decided to ask around. I went to the Carousel Boutique and asked Rarity if she’d seen Rainbow lately. It’s funny, you would’ve thought I had three heads by the look she gave me. I asked her what was wrong and she just shook her head and went back into the store. When I asked Fluttershy and Pinkie they had almost the same reaction. I think something’s up with them.

I was wondering on the outskirts of Ponyville, near the cemetery, when I ran into Applejack. I asked her if she’d seen Dash today. She said yes and just gestured toward the graveyard. I walked around the creepy area, stepping around the tombstones. When I looked around I didn’t see Rainbow, I guess she must’ve left since Applejack was here. It’s weird that those two met here, Dash usually hates places like this.

After wandering around a bit more, I saw a willow tree near one edge of the graveyard and made my way over to it. The tree was very much like the one in our field, and underneath it sat a solitary grave stone. I tried to read the words but they were too worn to make out. For some reason I felt a connection to this gravestone, to this small corner of the graveyard, to the tree that hung above me. This felt like the place we would’ve wanted to be buried. I stared at the stone for a while longer, staring at the faded words and trying to make sense of them. I gave up after a while when I noticed it was getting dark.

I walked home and sat down and started this letter. Today has been crazy, I just wish I could have found her. I’ll keep looking tomorrow.

I’m truly curious who that tombstone belonged to, because that’s where Rainbow and I had agreed to be buried, next to each other beneath that tree.

I’ll talk to you later,
Twilight
> 21st, Eight Months After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Dear Rainbow,

It appears I have regained a small amount of my sanity. I looked back at some of the letters and my mental state is quite jarring, as well as more than a little depressing. At the moment I can fully understand that you died eight months ago today, and since that point I’ve been writing you letters. Since that point if been slowly falling apart.

I don’t know by what grace I’ve regained my sanity, but I have a feeling that it won’t last. Whatever is holding me together right now will soon let go. I took today to fix some things and prepare myself for the rest of my life.

I finally told them, I told the girls about my situation. About the fact that this was all my choice, that I refused to lose my memories of you, and that choice in turn meant that my life is forfeit. The looks on their faces hurt me, they hurt so much. I felt like I betrayed them, which I guess I really had. I had chosen memories of you over being able to live with them. I hope they can forgive me, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself.

Even though they assured me that they understood my decision, I could see their look of confusion and sadness. I am horrible, I have no sympathy and no shame. And I’m going to die in four months, that’s all the time I have to make penance for what I’ve done, and I will be insane the entire time.

I’m beginning to have second thoughts about keeping my memories of her.

With Love,
Twi
> 22nd, Nine Months and Two Weeks After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Rainbow, 

It hurts.

It all just hurts so much. I can’t even think of you or her without getting a massive headache, this is really what has kept me from writing you recently. It’s both funny and sad, I have a limited time left so it would make sense for me to write you more frequently. And yet, by nature’s cruel hand, it is physically difficult for me to write you. I guess right now I just need someone to confide in and someone consul me.

I don’t know where to go or where to turn. Rarity thinks I should go back to the hospital. Applejack seems angry with me, but she won’t say it. I’ve not seen Fluttershy in a while, I think this has overwhelmed her. Pinkie Pie’s ignoring the issue entirely, acting like nothing’s wrong. 

But worst of all, I still can't find her. She was in town a while ago, but I've not seen her since. I just want to know where my wife is. I don't want to go through this alone.

It’s all too much to soak in. You are the only one I have left to talk to, and that’s still not much. I just don’t know what to do. Can you help me? Tell me what to do next.

You know, I was cleaning the library yesterday, trying to occupy my time, trying to not think about the issue. But, of course there’s no avoiding it. I found my wedding dress. The memories of the day flooded me, and I thought my head would explode. That was the happiest day of my life. To think that we’d be able to spend the rest of our lives together.

Ha, what a cruel joke. We had no clue how long that’d actually be. To think, I’d be the happiest pony alive, then, not even a month later, I was the most  despaired creature in the world. I’ve always been one for the dramatic, and I know you don't like me talking about her to you, sorry.

I don’t know what to do.

Help me,
Twilight

> 23rd, Ten Months After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	My love,

I don’t want to die.

I’ve honestly never been more scared in my entire life. Throughout history, ponies have researched the afterlife; trying to find out what it’s like, how it works, but most importantly, does it exist. None of them ever had any definitive answers. I don’t know what happens next, and the unknown terrifies me.

I’m back at the hospital, soaking in the smell of sickness and death, the cold white that surrounds me, the idea that I’ve come here to die. I’ve checked into this place as a pony, I’ll check out as a cadaver. I don’t want this life to end, but I want it to be over. I want to be with you.

I wish now more than ever that you were able to reply to my letters. I wish you could tell me that it’s great where you are, that the only thing missing is us being together, tell me that I’ll be happy forever, that I won’t be hurting. Tell me you love me. 


Tell me it will be alright.

Twilight
> 24th, Eleven Months After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

To you,

I hate you. I hate you for not being her. Why can’t you be her? She’s still here, still very much alive. You gave up on me. How could you? I thought you loved me, but you just quit. I won’t pretend that I know what you went through, but I was there for you the entire time. How could you be so selfish to not pull through. I love you, I’d be lying to say otherwise, but she loves me back while you cannot.

Why can’t you be here for me. I need you. It hurts. It hurts to much to write. Why aren’t you here, why?

> 25th, Eleven Months and Two Weeks After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Love of mine,

We have come now to the end.

I asked to visit home one more time, and the nurse obliged. I can’t walk anymore, my nerve connection with my legs has all but severed. She put me in a wheelchair and pushed me into town. On our way, I took time to remember since that is basically all I can do.

I saw where the chariot first landed when I arrived in Ponyville all those years ago as a pony who cared more about books than others. 

I saw a dirt road that lead to a farm called “Sweet Apple Acres” where I met a hardworking pony named Applejack. She showed me how important it is to be truthful. Honestly, I love you.

I saw a bakery called “Sugarcube Corner” where a fun-loving pony named Pinkie Pie works. She taught me that a little smile goes a long way. You could always make me laugh, even on the worst days.

I saw a solitary tree just outside town where I first encountered a timid pegasus named Fluttershy. She helped me understand that kindness is always welcome. You always treated me like your princess.

I saw a clothing shop called “Carousel Boutique” where I met a glamourous unicorn named Rarity. From her I learned that a generous heart is a wondrous trait. You openly shared your love with me.

I saw a bridge where I first spoke to the love of my life, a pegasus named Rainbow Dash. She was beautiful, exciting and loyal to the core. You spent your life with me, all the way until it was cut short.

I saw a grand tree called “Golden Oaks Library” where lived an egghead of a pony named Twilight Sparkle. She learned that love is a magical thing. Sharing that with you was greater than anything.

We went through the door to see the library with the quiet buzz of a Saturday afternoon. Sparkler Hooves, my assistant librarian for some time, had taken over as the caretaker and attendant of the library. I saw ponies I’d known for quite some time. Roseluck was flipping through an almanac, hoping to gain some advice for her flower garden this year. Vinyl was flipping through some, well, vinyls. Bon Bon was checking out new sweets recipes. In fact, everything seemed normal.

It hit me then. I’m the only one that’s dying. The town will still be here, living and thriving. The rhythm might skip a single beat when I die, but then it will continue on, strong and steady, as if nothing happened. In the little scheme of things, I was so big. But in the big scheme of things, I am just so little. My world may end, but the world won’t stop. Luna will will lower the moon and Celestia will raise the sun. I guess this “walk” has helped me realize it.

I get it now, I know why you left me. It was your time, you didn’t choose it, but it chose you. This life is a gift, but it’s one that we borrowed. Eventually it must be returned. Sometimes we are called upon to give it back before we hoped we would have to, but it isn’t up to us.

I decided I wanted to make one last stop before it was all over. I told the nurse and we were on our way. We rolled on out to the edge of Ponyville, towards the green rolling hills of the haunting cemetery. We rolled towards the willow where I was on my previous visit. I told her I wished I could read the name of the pony buried beneath the tree. She simply stated that my wife was buried there. I guess you’ve never been all that far from me this entire time. I mustered all my energy and pointed to the small plot of land next to you.

There, please bury me there. I could not stand being any further away from my wife.

I’m glad I made the decision that I did, to remember you until the end. Thanks to you, I have a true understanding of love. One cannot have joy without despair. 

You cannot have love without at least once going down the path of loss.

I love you, with a love purified by the pains of despair,

Twilight Sparkle.
> 26th, 364 Days After Death
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Love,

Tomorrow’s the day. After lunch, I heard a knock at my door. Without waiting for an answer, Rainbow Dash walked into my room. She sat down in the chair next to me and stared at the ceiling. Typical Rainbow, not knowing what to say. After a short while she stood up and walked up to me, gazing into my eyes. I think it would be for the best to just quote her.

“Damn, I forgot how beautiful your eyes are. Now hold up, don’t say anything. I’m just here to tell you; tomorrow is the end, you’ll be dead before the day is over. You should say your goodbyes. I wish I had something profound to say, but I really don’t. See ya, I guess.”

When I blinked, she was gone. I rang for the nurse and asked her to gather my friends. Within an hour they were all gathered in my room. I told them that the world was ready for me to pass on, all that was needed now was for them to be ready. They began to argue, but they knew that I understood it more than they. One by one they said their farewells, none of them got through it without losing their composure. 

Once they left I had the solitude of silence. My head is killing me, but that’s only a small annoyance that will soon come to an end. I guess it’s over. I will soon know where the path of loss leads. See you soon.

Hopefully.

> Letter to the Princess (Epilogue)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I slowly put the last letter down and was quickly lost in thought. I could not help but feel like I was invading Twilight's privacy by reading the letters despite the fact that she had asked me to. Her last request was for them to be sent to the princess, as Celestia should know what to do with them. I had no clue what the princess would do with these notes to a long dead pony, but I decided to simply fulfill the request. I retrieved some parchment and began to write a letter of my own.


Dearest Princess,

I deeply regret to inform you that your student and apprentice, Twilight Sparkle, has passed away from a brain hemorrhage. As you are well aware, not much is known about the relation of a unicorn's magic and their mental well being; while the cause of death was the hemorrhage, the cause of the hemorrhage is unkown. With your permission, as well as the deceased's parents, we would like to take a few samples from her body in order to further research in this field. The more we know the more lives we can save.

As per the request of the deceased, I have enclosed 26 letters which she claimed you had a purpose for. I would also like you to know that Twilight passed away with a warm smile, the kind you'd give an old friend. Despite her mental state, she died both peacefully and happily. 

If you have any concerns, don't hesitate to contact me.

My Condolences,
Ponyville Chief of Medicine