Meet the Coach
“Owwww… my head… What happened last night?” Twilight asked as the sun assaulted her still closed eyes. She tried to lick her parched lips, but her tongue was somehow even drier. As she took stock of how messed up she was, she managed to groan out, “Why do my friends let me drink?”
Her self pitying train of thought was interrupted when she heard soft footsteps walking closer. She just managed to make out, “Spike, is that you?”
She heard her assistant say, “Well, you would know if you opened your eyes.” She groaned. “Honestly Twi, why do you do this to yourself?”
Twilight rolled over in what she now realized to be her bed and pulled her sheets even tighter around herself. She managed to crack her eyelids, and was greeted with the sight of a concerned baby dragon holding a large glass of water, presumably for her. “I swear Spike, I’m never going to touch the cider again.” She sat up, and levitated the water to her mouth. After draining it in one long swig, she sat the glass on her bedstand.
Spike gave her a small smile, and said, “Sorry, but you’re going to have to get up now if you want to make your hearing.”
Twilight just lay back down, before the meaning of his words dawned on her. Much faster than she should have, she sat back up, and asked, “Wait, hearing? Spike, just what happened last night?”
Spike took a step back, puzzled. “Are you sure you really don’t remember? Because it seems to me that it would be really hard to forget.”
Twilight growled out, “If I remembered then why the hay would I be asking.” After a second, she added, “Sorry, but my head is killing me and you-never mind.”
As he picked up the water glass, and began to help Twilight get ready for her day, Spike began his story.
“Alright, so yesterday, Rainbow Dash came over really excited about something. I think it was the newest Daring Doo book being announced or something. Anyways, she took you out for drinks, but for some reason she kept saying that it was just “as friends” whatever that means. Weird, huh?”
“So then-I stayed at home-I started to take a nap. But, I woke up when I started hearing sirens! So I follow the noise to see if maybe Rarity was involved when I see you in the hands of two of Ponyville’s cops! I talked to them, and they said that you assaulted Berry Punch! Apparently she refused to give you more cider because you were drunk, and you slugged her in the snout! I always knew you had it in you Twi!”
Twilight rolled her eyes and said, “Get to the point Spike.”
“Well, I told the cops I could take you home, and they said it was okay, but you have a hearing today at 11:00 p.m, and it’s 10:30 right now!”
Twilight finally got out of bed, and slowly walked to her bathroom. “Alright Spike, I’m going, I’m going.”
About an hour later, Twilight returned to see her assistant sprawled out in his basket. She gave a small smile at how cute he looked, which promptly vanished when she saw his chore checklist she had made him was completely blank! With her magic, she quickly pulled off his blanket, and Spike came spilling out onto the ground.
He leapt to his feet, his head searching back and forth as he sputtered, “Wha-wha! I wasn’t sleeping!” Finally, his gaze found Twilight, who was giving him a stern look. Sheepishly, he rubbed the back of his head and said, “Ah geez Twi, I know this looks bad, but I only closed my eyes for a second, and you know…”
He looked up at her, but when he saw that her expression hadn’t changed, he decided to try a different tactic, and said, “So, how did your hearing go?”
Twilight walked by him as she tossed her mane out of her eyes. She sat down heavily, and said, “Well that’s the thing Spike: I’m not sure. Well, let me just tell you my sentence: community service, by which I’ll be coaching Ponyville Elementary’s Soccer Team.”
Spike walked closer to his adopted older sister and said, “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, right? So, when do you start?”
Twilight looked down at him and replied, “Today. They have a game, after which I’ll be replacing their last court-appointed coach.”
Twilight was walking down the road towards the Elementary School’s Soccer field, where the Ponyville Pugilists were playing the Badland Brawlers. Or at least they were supposed to be playing them. When the field came into view, it looked like the game was already over, and the Pugilists were being given a post-game pep talk by their coach, a large, gruff looking earth pony stallion with a mug of cider for a cutie mark.
“Alright listen up,” he began, “that was a good game. I mean, you all showed up, and I’m proud of that.”
A small, white unicorn filly whom Twilight recognized as Rarity’s younger sister piped up, “Um coach? Why did they stop the game after only ten minutes?”
“Well, because we were losing by twenty goals Sweetie Belle. It’s called the slaughter rule. You know, Sweetie Belle, if we played the full game we probably would have lost by one hundred goals. I don’t know why I’m saying ‘we’ because I wasn’t running around out there like it was the first time I ever used my legs!”
Sweetie Belle, who at this point looked quite embarrassed, mumbled, “Okay…”
However, her coach ignored her, and continued, “You know, it’s like when they stop a boxing match because the guy’s bleeding too much, you know all cut up and stuff. This was worse. I mean: fractured jaws get wired shut; broken snouts become badges of courage!”
Again, she mumbled out, in the tiniest possible voice, “Okay…”
Her coach started shaking his head, and he massaged his forehead with one of his fore hooves. “But to lose by twenty goals in ten minutes is… Oh forget it. You played a good game.”
As the Pugilist began cheering at the ‘praise’ their coach had given them, Twilight walked over to the coach and said, “Hello, I’m Twilight Sparkle, your court appointed replacement.”
The stallion gave her a quick look-over, though he lingered on her flanks, before saying, “I’m Coach McGuirk. So, you’re going to coach these losers?”
Twilight was a little surprised that a coach would call his own team losers, and asked, “Are you sure they’re losers?”
He laughed and said, “Of course they’re losers, all fillies are losers. I was a loser too at that age. Hay, when I was 18, I got a tattoo of a cow’s head on my arm. Thank Celestia my fur covers it.”
A little puzzled over Coach McGuirk’s strange mannerisms, Twilight just nodded.
“Well, looks like I’m finally free to go. Good luck Twilight, these kids barely know how to play.”