> Better Than Best
>  by Signas
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Ch. 1 - No Walls Can Hold This Down
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Have you ever had to come back home to a bunch of friends and family with high expectations, and let them all down?  You know those moments.  It's the kind of thing fillies go through when they fail a test and have to tell their parents.  Or when a job interview doesn't go so well, and a stallion has to tell his folks that they won't be having dinner that week.  It's the sort of experience that makes you feel like tossing your cookies all the way home, and then it turns out to not be nearly as bad when you finally get there.

Well, I had one of those recently.  Except, of course, for the fact that I haven't talked to my folks in years.  And I only have, like, one friend.  Two if you count Rainbow Dash.  The point is, telling all... one of them about what happened at Wonderbolt Academy wasn't nearly as lame as it could have been.  I mean, I still felt like crap, but that was mainly because of how it happened, not necessarily that it happened in the first place.

The flight back to Canterlot from the academy wasn't even long enough for any serious brooding, although that's mainly because my flight speed is off the buckin' charts.  I think I dropped one of my suitcases on the way back when I crashed into some loser and knocked him out of the sky.  Kind of a shame, really; that was a nice suitcase.  That's one of the reasons I decided to live in Canterlot instead of some place like Cloudsdale.  There aren't many other pegasi to get in my way; it's just a bunch of lame nerds and fancy skirts which, in some ways, are just as bad.

As for my friend... well, I wouldn't really call him a "friend" so much as "guy who gives me coffee every day".  And with the funk I was in, I was gonna need a barrel of it.

I made my appearance at the train station, like I do any time I'm gone for a while.  It's not like I ever ride trains, but I figure I should use the same landing as the other finely-crafted machines anyway.  Like usual, nopony was there to greet me.  Well, there was this one chick who was screaming at me for almost bulldozing her kid, but the little punk should have known better than to get in my way.  It was around the part where she was threatening to call the guards that I started making my way to the one place I knew would be happy to see me:  Donut Joe's.

A small part of me had hoped that maybe while I was at the academy changing my own life, Canterlot would put in a little effort to change as well.  Taking that long walk to Joe's showed me that this was not the case.  There were still the same old unicorns, same old nerds, same old giant hats and froo-froo dresses.  I mean, how hard would it have been to maybe reduce the hat sizes, or something?  I was relieved to finally open Joe's doors and get away from that crap; even after just one week away, I had to get used to it all over again.

"Well hey there, if it ain't the little Wonderbolt herself!"  I was immediately greeted by a familiarly gruff voice.  Like the rest of Canterlot, Pony Joe was the same as usual.  Unlike the rest of Canterlot, I was perfectly okay with this.

"Hey, Joe," I replied, albeit less confidently than I had hoped.  "I... wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet."

Joe put down the coffee mug he was wiping and shot me a pretty concerned look.  "Aw geez," he groaned, most likely having guessed how things went for me.  "Pull up a seat, I'll warm up a pot for ya."

Pulling up a seat was not necessary; the shop was completely empty save for the two of us, and my usual stool sat unoccupied in front of the bar.  It felt good to be back in that seat, surrounded by delicious donuts.  I'm sure Joe felt better having me back too, since the quality of the building skyrockets just from my being there.  "Toss me a glazed donut and a cream-filled one while your at it, Joe."  This was important; I needed those donuts badly.

I got my donuts, and proceeded to tell Joe all about the horrible injustice that had been placed upon me.  I told him about Rainbow Dash, and how we were tearing up the competition with our sick moves.  About the mountains of praise Captain Spitfire showered upon me, and how she even made me the lead pony.  About how utterly lame the other cadets were.  And of course, about how in all of three minutes, I went from the top candidate to last week's garbage.

"...And the worst part of it all?"  I had trouble wrapping my mind around this one; the sheer insanity of it threatened to tear the threads of my brilliant mind.  "Rainbow Dash totally denied me a hoof bump.  Nopony would pass up a chance to bump these hooves!"

As I gazed at my depressingly un-bumped hooves, Joe just stood there and nodded his head.  "Sheesh, that's pretty rough Dusty.  Sorry to hear it didn't go well."

"Rough isn't the half of it, Joe," I replied, munching a succulent mouthful of donut-y goodness.  "I thought Dash and I were pals.  How could she look at these hooves and say 'I'm not going to bump those'?"

"I, er, was more referring to getting kicked out of the academy."

"Huh?  Oh, right, that."  I couldn't really understand how Joe could be so unfazed by the real issue, but whatever.  "I'm not too worried about that.  I mean, yeah, it was pretty lame, but it wasn't even my fault.  I'll just try again next year."  Something about what I said didn't seem to click right with him, because he was giving me a really weird look.  "What?  You don't believe me?"

"Well, I mean..."  Wait, did Joe seriously doubt me?  Why would I lie to him?  "Don't take this the wrong way but... it kinda sounds like you screwed up pretty bad at the end there."

Screwed up?  What the hell was that supposed to mean?  I don't 'screw up', I'm Lightning Dust!  "You aren't talking about the tornado, are you?  That wasn't even kinda my fault!"

"You said it was your idea, right?"

"Well yeah, who else would come up with such an awesome plan?"

"And you lost control of it, right?"

"Hey, I wasn't the only pony handling that thing!"

"And the tornado, which was your idea, nearly killed five ponies."

"Those chumps shouldn't have been flying there anyway!  Didn't they read the signs?"

"I dunno about you, but from this angle... it kinda sounds like you screwed up."

I honestly thought Joe was smarter than that.  He should have known better than to cross that line.  Were it any other pony, I would have been up in their face.  But because I know how blunt Joe can be, I settled for slamming my hooves angrily on the bar.  "Okay, so one little mistake that was barely my fault happened to some losers who were acting stupid!  What about the praise, huh?  What about me being an awesome flier, does none of that matter suddenly?"

"Okay, okay, no need to yell kiddo."  After taking a deep breath, I managed to calm myself down a bit.  But seriously, this guy just didn't get it.  "Look, I'm not tryin' to make ya angry.  It's just that... I feel like that ain't the only reason ya got the boot."

"What do you mean?  Are you saying I'm not good enough?"

"I'm sayin' that, supposing ya do plan on shootin' for that spot in the Wonderbolts again, you should figure out exactly what it is that tripped ya up in the first place."

I wanted to yell again, but something about what Joe said made a little bit of sense.  I had received nothing but praise during most of my time at the academy, which wasn't surprising in the slightest.  At the end, everything changed.  It couldn't have been the tornado alone, since Spitfire thought it was a great idea.  No, it had to have been something I couldn't possibly have seen.  Which is odd, since I have near-perfect vision.

Just when I thought I was starting to make progress, Joe decided to derail my train of thought.  "Didn't Spitty say anything to ya?  Like, maybe some things to work on?"

"All she said was that the Wonderbolts 'don't need irresponsible show boaters' and that I should 'come back when I learn the meaning of teamwork'."  Thinking about those words again, they made even less sense than when I originally heard them.  "Not particularly helpful, if you ask me.  She praised me and Dash for our awesome teamwork, so how could she suddenly think I didn't have any?  Clearly she didn't know what she was talking about."  

"Well, how about the irresponsible part?"  At this point, I was starting to wonder if even Joe knew what he was talking about.

"Uh, Joe, did you forget who you're talking to?"  This was a legitimate question; ponies seem to give me the weirdest criticisms sometimes.  "My name may as well be Lightning 'Responsible' Dust!"

"Whatever you say.  By the way, the coffee's done."  It was about time, nothing goes with donuts and reminiscing like a steamy cup of caffeine.  He placed the lovely liquid energy on the bar, where my hooves were eagerly waiting.  "Hey, you should probably let it cool fi-"

Psh, 'cool'?  I was cool enough for that coffee.  I didn't even let Joe finish before it started pouring down my throat.  Like, directly into my throat, passed the tongue and everything.  Yeah, I've got some pretty intense throat control, but that shouldn't be a surprise.

I regret nothing.

"HOLY MOTHER OF DISCORD!"  The empty mug rolled unceremoniously onto the bar as I attempted to air my smoldering mouth.  "Oh sweet Celestia... oh gawd, that burns so good!"

"Ya need some ice water, Lightning 'Responsible' Dust?"

"N-no... no, you keep your ice water.  Oh Celestia, that feels amazing..."  I attempted to get my labored panting under control.  "But that horrible pain gave me an idea... one that could solve this Wonderbolts issue."

Joe must not have heard what I said, because he gave me the ice water anyway.  "Er, well, great!  Fire away, kiddo."

"Alright, so think about walls for a moment."

"Walls?"

"Yeah."  I could only pray that Joe would be able to understand my flawless logic.  "Now, what purpose does a wall serve?"

"Well, my walls hold donuts and keep the cold out."

"Uh, okay, but the main point is that they keep you from reaching what's on the other side."  Judging by the look on his face, he wasn't quite getting it.  Figures.  "Well, in a way, a 'wall' was keeping me from reaching that mug of coffee.  A 'wall' called 'time'."

Joe just kept staring, so I continued my explanation.  "In a similar sense, a 'wall' is keeping me from achieving my well-deserved dream as a member of the Wonderbolts.  In this case, the 'wall' is more vague than time.  This wall... is perfection, and whatever is keeping me from reaching it."

"Ya mean, being irresponsible?"

"For Celestia's sake, Joe, pay attention!"  I have no idea why he was so hung up on the 'responsibility' thing, when I already explained why that couldn't be it.  "Alright, so when you want to get passed a wall, what do you do?"

He tapped his chin a few times, which I guess meant he really had to think hard about the answer.  Kind of sad, really.  "I don't think you can just walk around time, or build a door on it."

"No, Joe!  You smash that punk into rubble!  Don't let no wall tell you where you can or can't be!"

"You can't smash time either."

"Just... just shut up for a minute."  I stared Joe dead in the eyes as I prepared to lay down the most intense explanation he'd ever hear.  "The best way to break through a wall is to find the one tiny spot where it's weakest.  Once you've pinpointed the location, you prepare the necessary tools... and strike."

"So what yer sayin' is that waiting was the 'weak spot' in time, and patience was the 'tool'."

"Er... yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying."  Actually, I had thought of something else, but Joe's idea made a lot more sense.  I wasn't about to tell him that, of course.  "And in the case of the academy, I just need to find exactly what aspect I'm missing in order to be perfect.  Once I do, I can get the right 'tools' to fix it, and tear that sucker down."

"Ya know, the more you explain this... the more I think I've heard this somewhere before.  Maybe in a book or something?"

"You're probably just imagining things," I replied.  "I'm a lot of things, but a plagiarist isn't one of them."

"Well, that's an interesting way to think about yer problems."  Joe lifted my empty mug with magic and began to wipe it clean.  "But you've already made it clear that ya don't really understand what it is that yer missing."

That was the biggest obstacle I'd face.  This wasn't like finding flaws in other ponies; until recently, I was pretty sure I didn't actually have any flaws.  I still don't, but somepony else seemed to think otherwise.  Fortunately, I wasn't completely in the dark.  First, I'd need to think about the cadets who did get to stay at the academy.  They certainly didn't have the skills that I did, except for maybe...

Of course.

"Rainbow Dash!"  I slapped a hoof to my face; how could I have been so dumb?  "She's almost on my level of coolness and flying ability!  She helped me make that tornado!  And she didn't get kicked out!  Which means..."  I could feel the wide grin spreading across my face, as the solution made itself visible for me to see.  "I just need to figure out what she has that I don't have."

"Responsibi-"

"Joe, I swear to the sun I'm going to buck you if you say that word again."  As much as I'd like to continue chewing him out, I couldn't afford to waste any time.  I hopped down from my stool and made my way to the door... and immediately realized what my next obstacle would be.  "Crap, she's still at the academy."

"You could always try talking to her friends about her," Joe called to me, giving me a glimmer of hope.  "Ya know, the ones you almost killed."

"I don't suppose you'd know where to find them."  What Joe said next nearly blew me away in it's unlikeliness.

"As a matter of fact, I do!"  The stupid grin on his face made me want to hit him, but I was still too stunned.  "I met 'em a couple years ago at the Gala.  Real nice girls."

"You've gotta be kidding..."  I hate humbling myself before other ponies, but I needed that information.  "Joe, if you know where they are, throw me a bone!  Even a general direction will work!"





Ponyville.  For some reason, I wasn't even surprised that the braindead chumps who thought flying into a training airspace would live in the middle of buttbuck nowhere.  I really had no desire to grace that redneck quarantine with my presence, but if it meant achieving my dream, I'd do just about anything.

Dignity would have to step aside.  That wall wasn't going to tear itself down.
> Ch. 2 - Feathered Flier Fancies Fine Flanks
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	If there is one positive thing I can say about Ponyville, it's that it doesn't take long to get there from Canterlot.  Well, it doesn't take long for a pegasus, anyway, and especially not for me.  In less than an hour's flight, I found myself hovering over the epicenter of lameness itself.  I could only pray that my quest would end swiftly, if only for my sanity's sake.

Judging by the bustling crowd below, I could only assume that it was a town square of sorts.  Deciding to come to Ponyville during the early afternoon may not have been a fantastic choice, but I wasn't about to wait all day just for those bumpkins to leave.  Besides, they'd all get to see my awesome landing procedure!  Spotting a relatively unoccupied area, I pulled my wings close and let myself fall straight down.  I gave a quick glance below me; unsurprisingly, the ponies were starting to take notice.  They had these dumb looks on their faces, like 'golly gee, that there pony's gonna kill herself' or something.  I swear, this move never gets old.

Just mere moments before hitting the ground, I spread my wings and caught the wind so I could slow down a bit.  This is one of my favorite moves; I call it the 'Dead Drop'.  It's a lot quicker than the typical pegasus method of landing, and way funnier.  Of course, the main reason I love it so much is that most ponies can't pull it off without hurting themselves.  Serves them right for being posers.

Unfortunately, I was having a little too much fun reveling in the shocked looks of my audience, and spread my wings a second too late.  I felt the impact of my back hitting the ground way more than I had intended; it was like a painful shock of irony shooting through my spine.  Whatever, it's not like I was really trying that hard anyway.  It still hurt like a bitch, though.  I tried opening my eyes a bit, and found myself staring up into several blurry faces.

"Holy cow, is she alright?!"

"Somepony get a doctor, she needs help!"

"Golly gee, that there pony's done killed herself!"

I'm honestly not sure what was more painful; my aching back or the unnatural simplicity of my onlookers.  I could have kept laying there to give them a scare, but I figured I had better things to do.  Besides, I'm a nice pony.  Unfortunately, getting up with a busted up backside wasn't an easy task, but at least one of the ponies had the common sense to help me up.  I didn't think of the consequences as I grabbed the yellow hoof in front of me; in retrospect, I probably should have.

"Well, shucks, are you a'right little lady?"

My savior's face was still a little blurry, but that ridiculous drawl set off at least five different red flags.  "Y-Yeah, I'm great.  Never felt better."  With a quick shake of my head, I cleared the fog from my eyes and attempted to maintain some semblance of balance.  But I guess my 'hero' wanted to kill me, because he threw one of his greasy forelegs around my obviously injured back and pulled me into some creepy hillbilly hug.

"Ain't that just a relief!  We all thought you'd bought the farm!"  As the assailant continued shaking me, I noticed that the other onlookers were beginning to dissipate.  It was just as well; the fewer ponies who saw this, the better.  Once the shaking had ceased, I looked into the face of my companion.

Oh sweet Celestia, it was worse than I thought.

"Name's Hayseed Turniptruck!  Pleasure to make yer acquaintance, missy!"  The appropriately named stallion threw his free leg out towards the town, as if to show me some hidden beauty that I obviously wasn't seeing.  "Welcome to Ponyville!"

"Uh... yeah, okay..."  I honestly was at a loss for words.  'Hayseed' was every bit the redneck stereotype, from his crazy voice to his greasy brown mane and buck teeth.  He was even wearing a nasty old shirt; it was like he was wearing clothes for the sole purpose of looking like a creeper.  In other words, he'd fit right in at Canterlot.  But he was definitely a citizen of Ponyville, which meant that he could at least be useful.  "I don't suppose you know Rainb-"

"Hey, I just got a great idea!"  The pain increased as Hayseed began forcing me to walk alongside him.  "The Apple Family Reunion's comin' up in a few days, so you should stop on by and have some fun with us!  It'll be great!"

The Apple Family Reunion?  Wow, if they were all like this guy, I didn't even want to know what 'fun' they would be having.  "I... think I'll pass.  Look, do you know Rainbow Da-"

"Well shucks, of course I know ol' Rainbow Dash!  Everypony does!"

"Great!  Can you tell me where her friends are?"  I gritted my teeth as I made a mostly-successful attempt at smiling.

"Why, we're all her friends!  Every one of us!"

Coming from Hayseed, that line sounded way sketchier than it needed to.  "No, I mean like-"  And then it hit me.  I had been in such a hurry to talk to Rainbow Dash's friends that I hadn't even asked Joe what their names were.  Sheesh, I was just dropping the ball left and right.  "Like, her best friends."

"We're all best friends in Ponyville!"  Yeah, that was my cue to leave.  I could practically smell the serial killer coming from this guy.  Mixed with his natural body odor, it was not a pleasant scent.

"Well, alright, see you around."  Or not.  Before he could even respond, I was out of his grasp and blasting towards who knows where.  Just as long as it wasn't behind a building with Hayslasher Sisterbucker.  Once I had made it a fair distance away, I had to rest for a bit before my back would literally start screaming at me.  I hate resting, but I wasn't getting anywhere just flying aimlessly.

Alright, think Lightning!  They were all there at the academy, what did they look like?  I wracked my brain, but the amount of craps I gave about those girls was just too small to remember.  Except for one.  One of them was... pink?  Like, really buckin' pink.  And annoying.  Unfortunately, pink and annoying describes a lot of ponies in Equestria.  This one seemed to stand out though.  I didn't have much else to go on, so I'd just have to settle for asking about the 'annoying pink pony'.

After walking around Ponyville for a bit, it actually started to seem like an alright place.  I wasn't being assaulted by any more rednecks, and the ponies were at least pretty friendly.  Boring, but friendly.  It certainly had a homey feeling, even though I wouldn't live there in a million years.  I was on a mission, but that didn't mean I couldn't at least try to enjoy the scenery.

And speaking of 'scenery', I made a bend around some buildings and was immediately greeted by the choicest flanks I had ever seen.  Like, holy crap, I couldn't even tear my eyes away from that rump.  I didn't even care if somepony saw me staring, an ass like that doesn't just waltz in front you every day.  Her white coat even had three diamonds on it, obviously signifying the quality of her assets.  Eventually, she walked into some fancy round house, but I just kept watching.  Seriously, those were the nicest tangent-inducing flanks I had ever seen since... well, mine.

In my flank-induced stupor, I hadn't even realized that I wasn't alone.  Like, just a couple inches away from me, a grey pegasus was focusing on the same building.  This normally wouldn't bother me, except that we were standing in the shade of a house, which is the ideal stalking spot for psychos.  "Hey, you."  I figured I may as well get some answers out of her before she tried to kill me.

"Wha-"  She whipped her blonde mane around, apparently unable to notice that I was standing right there next to her.  Eventually, she managed to meet me eye-to-eye.  Or she would have, if one of her eyes wasn't derped to the extreme.  "O-Oh, hi there!  I didn't even notice you."

"Do you know who lives in that house?"  Just in case she somehow didn't know what I was talking about, I pointed my hoof towards the building that Sweet-Cheeks went into.

"Oh, that's Carousel Boutique.  That's where, um..."  She scrunched her face a little; I couldn't read her very well, what with the eyes throwing me off and everything.  But somehow, I don't think her pause meant she forgot the occupant's name.  "That's where... Miss Rarity lives."

Rarity, huh?  That was a pretty fitting name.  I'd have to, uh, introduce myself at some point.  But I had arguably more pressing matters to attend to.  "You wouldn't happen to know Rainbow Dash or her best friends, would you?"

That seemed to catch her attention.  "Yeah, I know Dashie!"  A goofy grin spread across her suspiciously beet-red face.  "And I've been one of her best friends since we were in school!"

Jackpot.  It was only midday, and things were starting to look up.  "Alright, spill it.  What makes Rainbow Dash so great?"

"Huh?"

"You heard me."  There was no way anypony with half a brain could misunderstand that question.  "What makes me and her so different?  What are her key strengths and weaknesses?"

"Um..."  Wow, I didn't realize one pony could be so socially awkward.  She just kept looking at her hooves and scratching the dirt.  "I don't really know much about you, so I can't really answer that.  But Dashie is really brave, and... fast.  Is that what you were looking for?"

Brave and fast.  I was brave enough to fly through Ghastly Gorge without skipping a heartbeat, and I'm sure as shit the fastest flier in Equestria.  "Listen, lady," I said, trying not to lose my excessive amount of cool.  "I need to know what makes Rainbow Dash such an amazing pony so that I can make myself the best around.  If you don't know, point me in the direction of somepony who does."

"Wait, you want to copy Rainbow Dash?"  This girl was seriously stepping on thin ice.  "You don't need to do that.  You should just be yourself."

With that stupid grin on her face, it was like listening to a bad self-help book.  Obviously she wasn't going to be much help, and I mentally kicked myself for getting my hopes up.  "Alright, fine.  Is Rarity one of her friends?"

"R-Rarity?"  She started whipping her head around again.  Sheesh, this pony was beyond hopeless.

"Buck it, I'll ask her myself."  It was a pretty good plan; I'd have an excuse to meet this fine-flanked individual, and maybe I'd even get what I actually came to Ponyville for.  As I made my way towards the boutique, Cross-Eyes started yelling at me.

"By the way, my name's Ditzy Doo!"  I swear, it's like the citizens of Ponyville were trying to match their names.  Oh well, I didn't have time to bother with her anymore.  There was a fine unicorn just waiting to become acquainted with ol' Lightning Dust.  I guess Rarity couldn't wait anymore, because sure enough, the door swung open and gave me my first view of her from the front; oddly enough, I couldn't help but feel like I had seen her face before.  This new mystery almost distracted me from the fact that there was somepony with her this time.

"Sweetie Belle, please.  I have so much work to do today, so I just can't play with you right now."

The filly, who I guess was named 'Sweetie Belle', was like me in the sense that she didn't take no for an answer.  "Come on, Rarity, please?"  Her squeaky voice cracked a little, which was kind of cute in an annoying way.  "Apple Bloom's getting ready for her family reunion, so she can't go crusading today!"

"Why can't you play with Scootaloo?"

"Because crusading is at it's most, uh, efficient with three ponies!"

"Oh Sweetie Belle," Rarity whined, "what am I going to do with-"

"I'll play with her."

Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and myself all shared an expression of confusion at that last comment.  I was even more confused when I realized that it had come from me.  "Uh, I'm Lightning Dust, by the way."  I figured I should at least introduce myself before taking care of somepony's foal.

I'm not sure Rarity was convinced; she cocked her eyebrow with the sort of expression I was probably giving Appleseed Tractorfella earlier.  "Um, thank you, but I couldn't possibly impose on a stranger."

"It's no problem, I'm great with kids!"  Admittedly, I didn't actually have much experience to base this on, but I was awesome at everything else so I didn't see why not.  Besides, I wasn't about to pass up some brownie points.  "Just leave her to me, and you can get your work done.  I'll even do it for free."

I thought for sure that my natural charisma would be enough to convince her, but Rarity still didn't seem too pleased with the idea.  Even Sweetie Belle looked skeptical.  But if I was a quitter, I wouldn't have ever made it to the levels of coolness I had.  "Don't worry, I always make sure to be safe.  Ask anypony, I'm the safest mare in Equestria!"  It's not like I was lying.

"Er..."  Rarity started biting her lip; never a good sign.  "Thank you, but... I just realized that I actually have some free time!  Come on Sweetie Belle, let's play inside."

"Yay!"  The little filly hopped after Rarity, and the door was shut before I could even say anything.  Thinking back on it, that may have been a little sketchy.  Just a little.  But hey, the day wasn't over yet, and I still had plenty of ponies to see.  I just wouldn't be getting any action.

When I turned back towards the town, I noticed a grey figure fly off from the building I had been standing behind; it was probably Ditzy again.  Sheesh, what a wierdo.





So I had already met a few ponies, and still hadn't really learned much other than hillbillies are terrifying and Rarity's hot.  Not what I would call a successful outing, and it had to have been pretty late in the afternoon by that point.  Eventually, I'd have to start resorting to asking about annoying pink ponies, but that seemed almost as awkward as asking a stranger to play with her sister.

I started thinking about what I could have been doing instead of running around on this wild goose chase.  What I should have been doing.  I could have been flying around with Rainbow Dash and being an awesome stunt flier.  Everypony would know my name, and it would be synonymous with extreme.  Instead, I was walking around with a hurt back and getting hugs from rednecks.

"Dammit, what went wrong?!"  I shook my hoof towards the sky, angry at the cards fate had cruelly dealt to me.  "Did I do something, Celestia?!  Did I piss you off?!"

My answer came in the form of a speeding metal object nearly lopping my head off.  The thing that just sailed over me landed nearby and made a sharp turn before stopping completely.  Turned out it was actually a scooter being marehandled by a little orange punk.  Admittedly, that was actually a pretty cool trick.  And if some little filly could pull that off...

"Hey kid," I called out.  "Come over here."

In mere seconds, the filly scooted her way over.  Her tiny little wings were buzzing like crazy, it was hilarious.  "You need something, ma'am?"

"Yeah."  I grinned, almost as much as I knew the kid would be grinning pretty soon.  "Let me see that for a second.  I wanna show you a trick or two."
> Ch. 3 - Like An Advice Machine
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Life can throw some interesting turns at you when you least expect it.  I'm not just talking about the academy incident, either; any seemingly normal activity can turn horribly right or horribly, horribly wrong in a single wing beat.  Either way, all you can really wonder is how you got in that situation in the first place.  That's the reason I even came to Ponyville... and why I was soaring fifty feet above that same town, hunched over a tiny scooter's busted handlebars like some kind of radical circus clown.  Oh, and I was upside-down, which was pretty sweet but also not doing me any practical favors.

Yeah, my philosophical dilemmas are pretty extreme, much like the rest of my life.

The first issue that needed to be addressed was how I could get out of this situation without being ten kinds of bucked.  Luckily, my stunt-induced euphoria wasn't strong enough to make me forget that I have wings, so I had at least one easy solution right there.  That left one other issue; the scooter may have been half the size of what I should have been riding, but it was just unwieldy enough that I couldn't easily balance myself while carrying it.  So, unless I was prepared to make the most hardcore landing in Equestrian history, I'd need to sacrifice the poor scooter in order to make my getaway.  Any logical mind would tell you that only one of those options was feasible to begin with.

"Alright, thinking time is over."  Wings at full mast, I attempted to push myself the rest of the way through my current flip.  A few beats was all it took before I found myself slowly shifting upright.  "Nice!  Alright, let's land this puppy!"  Easier said than done, of course.  I had spent too much time literally hanging around, so my forward momentum was sorely lacking.  I attempted to beat my wings a few more times, but I just wasn't getting enough speed.  And Celestia dammit, I needed speed.

A familiar combination of adrenaline and ecstasy washed over me, as I plummeted to my probably-not-death for the second time that day.  I had already busted my back, and chances were pretty high that I'd be racking up the injury count in a matter of seconds.  A slanted rooftop suddenly appeared in my vision, giving me a chance to possibly avoid horrible pain; if I could position myself just so, I'd be able to ride the curve and  make as smooth a landing as I was gonna get.  Gripping the handlebars as tightly as hooves allow, I braced myself for impact.

And impact there was.

My forward momentum may not have been fast, but my falling speed certainly was.  I managed to land on the roof's slant, but I guess my body decided it had had enough and chose to stay behind.  The last thing I saw before tumbling through the dirt was the scooter riding off into the sunset, unconcerned about the ponies diving out of its way.  In a way, that scooter was a lot like me, except my handlebars actually work.

"Holy cow, are you okay?!"

Oh, right, I had almost completely forgotten about Scooter Kid.  I was a little scraped up, but I've taken worse hits before.  After a quick dusting off, I faced the orange filly charging towards me.  "Okay?  Did you not see that sweet landing?"  I shot her a grin to let her know I was fine.

"Yeah, real sweet," she said with a smirk.  "Triple flips are hard enough, so going for a quad may have been a little too ambitious for a beginner."

"I was actually going for five flips, but whatever..."  I shot a glance towards where the scooter had made it's stage exit.  "Uh, sorry about your scooter."

Unlike most foals who throw a fit after losing a toy, this filly was refreshingly cool about it.  "Forget it, I'll just go find it later.  I should have warned you about those wonky handlebars anyway."  If I can be completely honest, I was already taking a shine to this kid.  As far as Ponyville citizens go, she was pretty cool.

"That scooter did look pretty old.  I'll bet you gave it one heck of a beating."

"Heh, well... I may have dropped it off a cliff one too many times."  I take back what I said.  She wasn't cool, she was bucking awesome.  "I swear, that stupid thing is cursed.  That's why I'm trying to save up for a new one."

"Hey, if life didn't have a little excitement, it would be too boring!  And you seem like a filly who loves excitement."  I reached out my bruised foreleg; it was time for some serious bumpage.  "Name's Lightning Dust."

A warm, fuzzy feeling surged through me as her little orange hoof pounded my own.  "I'm Scootaloo!  Nice to meet you, ma'am!"

I had heard that name once already; Sweet-Cheeks had mentioned her when she was talking to her sister.  Something about "crusading", which struck me as odd since I'm pretty sure Celestia's soldiers stopped doing that ages ago.  Plus, why would a kid be interested in that?  Especially Scootaloo, who seemed more concerned with important stuff like getting intense air and being radical?  The mysteries just kept piling.

But enough about that.  More important was the fact that Sweet-Cheeks' sister knew Scootaloo, which meant that Scootaloo might have known Sweet-Cheeks!  But seeing as how my more forward attempts at getting information fell flat, I'd need to try something a little more subtle.  "Hey kid, why aren't you hanging out with your friends?"  Yeah, that was subtle enough.

An adorably pathetic frown crossed Scootaloo's face.  "Well, one of my friends is helping her family this week, and the other one thinks we can't crusade with only two ponies because it's not... uh..."

"Efficient?"

"Yeah, that."  Her wings started buzzing with the fury of a filly scorned.  "It's stupid!  Our cutie marks aren't gonna show up unless we do something, so why does Sweetie Belle have to come up with dumb logic like that?"

Historically, soldiers wouldn't crusade unless they were in huge groups.  Of course, that's because they were a bunch of pansies.  However, based on her mention of cutie marks, it was obvious that her definition of crusading was a little different.  I could certainly understand her frustration, though; being a blank flank sucks, especially when you're approaching your teenage years.

"...And Rainbow Dash isn't here either."  Scootaloo kicked up a cloud of dirt as she sulked.  "It's basically just me right now."

"Rainbow Dash?"  I was about to make the same mistake I made earlier; I couldn't let myself get my hopes up, even though she just implied that she was a friend of Dash.  "You, uh... you're friends with Rainbow Dash, then?"

That seemed to cheer the little tyke up; a huge grin spread across her face.  "Am I?  Of course I am, she's only the most awesome, spectacular, extreme, courageous, and all-around perfect big sister in Equestria!... So, yeah, I guess you could say I am."

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.  Whoa.  My ears may have still been full of dirt, but there was no way I didn't hear her say the "S-Word".  At that moment, I couldn't see her as anything other than an orange angel, who had descended upon me on a blessed scooter.  "Y-You're Rainbow Dash's sister.  For serious."

"Yup... wait, do you know her?"

"Uh..."  I couldn't screw this up.  This was, like, the ultimate jackpot.  The holy grail of all things Rainbow Dash.  I would have kissed that filly... like, full-on made out with her if it wasn't completely illegal.  So I did the next best thing.  "Hey, how about you and I go get some ice cream or something?  My treat for, you know, losing your scooter."





"...And then, after saving me from that cliff, she totally said she'd be cool with being my big sister!"  Scootaloo had been rambling about Rainbow Dash at the ice cream parlor for a while, but it actually turned out to be really informative.  "Uh, are you alright?  You ate that ice cream pretty fast."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," I replied, nursing my ice cream headache with a hoof.  "Brain freeze builds character.  Carry on."

She didn't need me to tell her twice.  "Like I was saying, it was pretty much the greatest moment of my entire life.  I mean, THE Rainbow Dash, my big sister!"  Scooping a huge glob of strawberry ice cream into her mouth, Scootaloo beamed with sisterly pride.  "All the other members of the fan club were soooo jealous when I told them.  Hey, I did mention the fan club, right?"

"Like, four times."

"Right.  So, the best part of having Dash as my sister is that I have somepony to play with when Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom aren't around."  She stirred her spoon around in the messy pink soup that remained of her ice cream.  "I didn't have any siblings before, and my parents are always out of town, so... I got kind of lonely sometimes."

So Rainbow Dash essentially filled a gap in Scootaloo's life.  That's a huge responsibility, but unfortunately, it didn't really help me much.  I didn't see how adopting a sister could possibly relate to being a Wonderbolt; in fact, having siblings would honestly just hold me back.  I didn't need some squirt pestering me when I could be training.  Although I suppose having Scootaloo as a sister would be kind of cool.  Everything else that Scootaloo told me was stuff I already knew; basically, Rainbow Dash was awesome.

"Well, that's pretty cool, Scootaloo.  I can certainly think of worse sisters to have."  I kicked up my hind legs onto the table, reclining in my surprisingly comfortable chair.  I'd need to mention these to Joe back in Canterlot.  "And don't worry about your parents.  Heck, you're lucky they don't get up in your business."

"I dunno, they aren't so bad when they're actually around."

"Well, lemme tell you; try to do anything cool or fun, and they'll be all 'Oh Lightning Dust, don't be so reckless!'  'Fillies shouldn't get in fights, Lightning Dust!'"

"Did your parents really sound like that?  Ha, that's hilarious!"  I'm glad I was able to get a laugh out of her; all thinking about them did was piss me off, so I may have ended up ranting about it.  "This one time, my dad came home and-"

Out of nowhere, the kid just suddenly froze up.  "Whoa, you okay?"  I was about to wave a hoof in her face, but she ducked under the table at light speed.  I looked around for anything that could have caused this; this part of the town was surprisingly empty, although that may have been because it was getting late.  All I saw were a couple of fillies walking by, but judging by their appearances, I figured they couldn't have been threatening to anypony.  Hell, one of them was wearing glasses!

But they must have been the cause, because the second they were out of sight, Scootaloo got back up in her seat.  "Oh, uh..."  Her face was turning red; if I was afraid of a couple of frilly fillies, I'd probably be embarrassed too.  "Sorry, I just really don't feel like dealing with them right now."

"What, are they giving you trouble?  Because I'll beat them up."

Once again, I managed to get a smile out of her.  "Heh, thanks, but I don't think that's a good idea.  It's just... well, I mentioned the Cutie Mark Crusaders earlier, right?"

I scratched my head for a moment.  "Yeah, I think you may have said something during the two seconds that weren't dedicated to Rainbow Dash."

"Well, those two pick on me and my friends for not having our cutie marks yet."  Scootaloo tried to eat the remainder of her ice cream, but it just slipped from her spoon.  "When the three of us are together, it's not so bad, but... when it's just me, I get mad but can't really fight back.  Sweetie Belle is a lot better with words than I am, so she usually comes up with the comebacks.  I just make myself look dumb..."

Poor kid.  There are foals out there who deserve a good bullying way more then Scootaloo; I can name at least twelve, most of them from Cloudsdale.  "Listen kid, I know the ups and downs to being a late bloomer."

"You do?"

"Sure.  I didn't get my mark until I was almost thirteen!  And let me tell you; if you think those little punks are bad, you should see some of the jerks from Cloudsdale.  The pegasi there are crazy aggressive, and they aren't afraid to hit fillies."

Scootaloo didn't respond; she just kept giving me this sad look.  It was making me sad, and I don't get sad easily.  "Well, things were pretty bad, but a wise pony told me something that made it seem a little better."

"What did they say?"

"You just don't have your cutie mark yet because your body can't decide which of your awesome talents to show off."

"That... that actually makes a lot of sense."  Scootaloo chuckled; it was a weak chuckle, but at least it was better than nothing.  "Say, who told you that, anyway?"

I brushed a hoof on my chest and gave the kid a grin.  "I did."

"Pfft..."  She tried to stifle a laugh, but resistance was futile.  The kid started hitting her tiny hooves against the table.  "Hahaha!  You told yourself... that's hilarious!"  I didn't think it was that funny, but I suppose anything I say could instantly become comedic genius.

"Alright, alright.  Don't have a heart atta- whoa!"  I was too late.  Pink sludge spilled all over the table and, judging by the quick yelp, Scootaloo's flank.  A single clatter from the now-empty bowl broke the sudden silence.  "Whoa, looks like you got... creamed, kiddo!"

Of course, she was too busy wiping at her messy coat to catch my actual joke.  "Alright, you stay here.  I'm gonna get some napkins."  I got up from the table and flew to the other side of the parlor.  While I was there, I couldn't help but admire the scenery.  No flanks this time, but the sunset really did wonders for Ponyville's rustic setting.  I'd probably have to come back here a few more times to get the information I wanted but... if it went more like this, with more cool ponies like Scootaloo, I could see myself enjoying the visits a little.  Just a little.

Despite the fact that the kid and I were some of the only ponies around, there were some voices coming from nearby.  It took me a second to realize that they were coming from the other side of the parlor, where I left Scootaloo.  I grabbed a couple of napkins in my teeth and made my way back to the table.  Turns out my seat was currently occupied.

"Looks like you finally found your special talent, Scootaloser."  This classy line came from some pink little shit in a tiara, the same one we saw earlier.  "Smells like strawberries!"

"Shut up!"  The kid was trying to put up a fight, but what she told me earlier was starting to make itself evident.  "I  just spilled some ice cream, no need to sprain your tiara."

"Wow, better watch out.  My tiara might get offended!"  You know that obnoxious laugh that prissy chicks do when they think they're being clever?  Yeah, that shit was filling my ears and I wasn't enjoying it one bit.  "Where are the other two stooges?  Decided they didn't want too much lame in one place?"

"Yeah, well... y-you're tiara looks stupid!"

Alright, I needed to put a stop to this, if only to end those pathetic comebacks.  The pink one was too busy laughing at another pony's expense to notice me, which made it all the funnier when I dumped her out of my chair.  "Sorry kiddo, this seat's taken."

"H-Hey!"  Pink rubbed her flank which, unsurprisingly, had a tiara on it.  Probably represented her talent for making other ponies what to shove headpieces up her ass.  "What the heck is wrong with you?!"

My satisfaction from hurting a foal was short lived; I noticed that her silver friend, the one with the glasses, was chuckling.  "What's so funny, nerd?  You want a ride, too?"

"Hey, Diamond Tiara," she said, addressing her friend with what may have been the most uncreative name I'd heard all day.  "Looks like Snails' cutie mark grew a body!"

That wasn't even clever, but Diamond Tiara seemed to think so because she was laughing her ass off.  Thinking back on it, I think that was supposed to be a diss on my hairstyle; if that's the case, Four-Eyes is lucky I didn't realize it or I'd have killed her dead.  That being said, the thought of a pony with a snail for a cutie mark is kind of sad, even though snails are pretty cool.

"Hey, Scootaloo, is that why you were hanging out with her?"  Diamond Tiara was back on her feet, disappointingly unfazed by my surprise attack.  "You can't just steal somepony's cutie mark.  Sorry, blank flank!"  Once again, the duo started laughing like the jerks they are.  I would have done something, but past experience has taught me that picking fights with kids usually ends in tears.  And restraining orders.  Luckily, they were apparently bored of picking on Scootaloo and walked off to torment somepony else.

Scootaloo, on the other hand, looked like she was about to cry.

"Forget them."  I wrapped a wing around the poor kid, although comforting others isn't really my thing.  "Having no mark is better than having a spoon and a tiara as your talent."

"T-Thanks for hanging out with me."  Scootaloo broke away from my wing and tried to walk away.  "Sorry they made fun of you.  I've gotta go, so... see ya."

"Not so fast, kid."  I was actually having a pretty good day, and those little assholes decided to come along and ruin it.  Well, what they didn't realize is that Lightning Dust doesn't go down without a fight.  "Say, where are you headed?  I'll walk with you."

"No, that's okay..."  She was seriously downtrodden, which wasn't cool with me.  "I don't want to cause anymore trouble for you."

"Sorry kid, but I'm gonna have to insist on this one.  Where are we headed?"

"Well... I was gonna see if Apple Bloom could return something I lent to her, so..."

"Sweet Apple Acres it is.  Lead the way."





"Alright, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it," I said to Scootaloo, who was keeping a small pace ahead of me on the path.  "Why don't you just kick that chick's ass?"

"I can't fight with her."  Scootaloo wiped a spot of ice cream from her coat with one of the napkins I gave her.  "I'll get in trouble."

"Yeah, but if she's causing all the problems, she'll get in trouble too."

"No way.  Her dad is rich, so she can just get away with anything."  Unfortunately, this did present a bit of an issue; over privileged foals could get away with a lot more than the typical kid.  Assuming Diamond Tiara was as rich as she seemed, she could very well be completely immune to punishment.  Unless...

"Alright kid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret."  I looked around to make sure nopony was nearby; parents always seemed to get mad when I tried to give advice.  I have no idea why, since my advice is usually extremely helpful and constructive.  "It's a trick I used to deal with bullies back when I was in school."

Scootaloo just shook her head.  "That's okay.  Applejack said we should just talk to her if we have any trouble with bullies."

Typical hillbilly logic right there.  "Okay, and how much help has that been?"

"Um... well, it stopped one bully..."

"Well, clearly it didn't stop two others.  Now listen..."  I leaned in close, until I was practically talking straight into her ear.  "The reason you get in trouble for fights is because you start them."

"Um, yeah..."

"So the solution," I whispered, double checking to make sure nopony could hear, "is to get the bully to start the fight.  Then, you finish it.  Even a rich pony like Diamond Tiara wouldn't be able to pin the blame on you."

Confusion was painted all over Scootaloo's face.  "Couldn't she just tell her dad that I started the fight?  Then I'd get in trouble anyway."

"That's why you need witnesses."  A huge stretch of farmland was fast approaching; I could only assume it was Sweet Apple Acres.  "Bring your friends along, and maybe neutral party or two that can vouch for you.  There's no way she can deny eyewitness reports from a bunch of ponies."

"Well, even if I did try that, how would I get her to start a fight?"  Scootaloo and I stopped in front of a fence on the farm.  "I can't really see Diamond Tiara fighting at all, let alone starting one."

"That's the easy part."  I picked up a stray apple in the grass and started eating it.  It was actually really buckin' good.  "You need to figure out something about her that she doesn't want to get out in the open.  Something that will really get under her skin."

"Wait, you mean blackmail her?"

"Well kind of, except it's not bits your after."  She didn't look nearly as convinced as I thought she would.  "Look, it always worked for me when my classmates gave me crap.  I don't see why it wouldn't work for you."

"I dunno... do you really think she'd go for that?"

I wrapped my wing around her for sort-of-but-not-really-sisterly reassurance.  "Trust me.  Nothing hurts more than having your weakness rubbed in your face."

Scootaloo looked like she was thinking pretty hard about what I said, but I recognized the look in her eyes.  She was hurt, and she wanted to give some of that hurt back.  I almost felt bad for those two rejects.  The kid looked up at me with fierce determination.  "It sounds kind of shady, but... you really think it's a good idea?"

"I know it's a good idea."  To show how much I meant it, I started throwing sweet hoof jabs in the air.  "Once you rustle her a little, you can get her like this, you know, really beat the living shi-"

"Whoa now, what in the hay are you doin' over there?!"

Uh oh, angry redneck alert!  An orange mare with an admittedly cool stetson somehow managed to sneak up on us while I was giving my bullying lecture.  Upon closer inspection, she was actually pretty hot for a hillbilly.  "Sorry lady, is this fence off limits?"

She wasn't really in the mood for jokes, it turned out.  "Scootaloo, Apple Bloom's in the house.  Go play with her for a bit."

"Alright, Applejack."  Scootaloo made her way towards the small house on the farm, but gave me one last look.  "Thanks for today, Lightning Dust.  I'll... think about what you told me.  Bye!"  Hearing that made me feel a little better.  I could definitely see why Rainbow Dash would want Scootaloo to be her sister; I was even starting to see her as, like, a cousin or something.  Which would make me the cool, sexy cousin who shows up to give awesome life lessons and stuff.

Applejack, on the other hand, didn't look too thrilled.  Figures, there's always gotta be at least one pony trying to bring me down.  She was really pissed, though; if she was glaring any harder, I think her eyes would have imploded.  "What in the flyin' buck were you tryin' to teach that filly?"  My skin was practically burning from her hissing.

"I was just giving her some advice on dealing with bullies," I said, doing a much better job of keeping my cool than she was.  "Apparently, some bonehead gave her the old 'tell an adult' speech, but that didn't work out.  Wonder who that could have been?"

"Bonehead, huh?  Kinda like insensitive blowhards who think violence solves everythin'?"

"Don't know who you're talking about.  I'm just doing what some other ponies apparently couldn't do."

"Oh, you must think yer so... hold on a tick, I swear I've seen you before."  Applejack's glare started to turn into more of an analytic stare.  Suddenly, her eyes shot wide open.  "Heck, I know you!  Yer that crazy fool from Dash's Wonderbolt camp!"

There was no way she could have known that, unless...  "Okay, first off, it's an academy, not a camp."  I got right up in her face, to let her know I meant business.  "Second, you must have been there, which means you were one of the idiots in that balloon, which means that you're friends with Rainbow Dash."

"That's right, we were goin' to see our good friend Dash, but somepony darn near killed us."  The cowpony broke our standoff; I guess she couldn't handle my intense staring abilities.  "Now that same loose cannon is tryin' to get fillies to kill each other.  I sure hope you haven't killed any ponies while you were here, since it seems like that's what yer all about."

"Hey now, you don't know me.  I was trying to help the poor kid.  You should have seen those kids who were picking on her!"

Applejack was gritting her teeth, but she let out a sigh.  It looked like she was at least trying to cool off.  "Ugh... alright, I'm sure you were just tryin' to help."  Once the anger started to wear off, it was obvious that she was pretty worn out.  Considering she's an earth pony who does farm work for a living, I had to wonder what could have possibly drained her energy.  "My families got somethin' comin' up, so I've been runnin' around tryin' to get it set up.  Sorry, but it's stressin' me out a bit."

"Are you talking about the Apple Family Reunion?"  Let nopony ever try to say that I don't listen, even to insane rednecks.

"Yeah, that's the one.  Granny's usually runnin' the show, but she's gettin' a little up there in years.  I'm tryin' my best to help out, but I don't know what I can do to make it better."

"Hmm... well, I don't know much about parties.  Canterlot's parties are about as lame as they get."  I was fine with that, though.  I'm honestly not much of a party goer.  If there aren't obnoxious nobles, there are obnoxious drunks.

"Canterlot?  You strike me more as a Cloudsdale sort."  She had no idea how many times I had heard that.  At least it wasn't from a Canterlot citizen this time.  "I've got a cousin who lives in Canterlot.  Apple Fritter, you ever heard of her?"

An Apple living in Canterlot?  Color me surprised.  Still, I guess an awesome pegasus living in Canterlot wasn't much better.  "Can't say I've heard of any Apples in Canterlot.  I usually keep to myself."

"Heh, consider yourself lucky."  She was chuckling, but there was certainly a bit of bitterness in Applejack's voice.  "That crazy lush ruins just about everything she touches.  She can raise a mean barn, though.  I thought maybe you'd have met her, bein' as, uh, out of sorts in Canterlot as she is."  The chuckle got a little more nervous, until she eventually reached under her hat and pulled something out.  Turned out that it was an envelope.  "If yer headin' back there eventually, I don't suppose you could, uh..."

"You want me to deliver that letter to your cousin for you."  Well, if it could get me closer to one of Rainbow Dash's friends, I didn't see the harm in it.  "Where does she live?  I'll have it there in a jiffy."

"You'll really do that, after I yelled at you?  Well shucks, I guess you ain't too bad after all!"  Of course I'm not bad, why would anypony think otherwise?  Unless she meant badass, which I most certainly am.  "She lives in Canterlot Castle."

"The castle?  No shit."  Family in high places, I guess.

"Crazy, I know.  But trust me, Fritter ain't no princess."  Applejack passed the letter over to me, which I placed under my wing.  "It's actually an invitation to the reunion.  It, uh... accidentally got separated from the, uh, other letters, and didn't get sent out.  Yes, that is exactly what happened."

That was quite possibly the worst attempt at a lie I had ever heard, but I wasn't about to ask why she didn't invite her own cousin.  "Alright, I'll have this delivered in ten seconds flat."

"Heh, you kinda sounded like Dash for a second."

"Yeah, well, I guess we have a lot in common."  Not enough in common, though; after all, that was the entire reason I was there.  "I'm actually trying to learn what I can about her, so I can try to fix some things about myself."

"Well, since yer helping me out, I'll do what I can if you need to know somethin'."

We got off to a pretty rough start, but I guess Applejack wasn't too bad.  At the very least, she didn't take shit, and I can definitely respect that.  Still, all that talking had distracted me from the fact that it was getting a little dark out.  Heading back to Canterlot probably wouldn't be a bad idea.  "Right, well, I'm gonna head out now, so see ya la-"

Impact was the word of the day, because once again, I was floored by something.  Except in this case, it was more like somepony.  That frazzled grey mess standing over me was all too familiar.  "Oh geez, sorry about that... hey, I remember you!  From earlier!"  Ditzy Doo seemed awfully cheerful, considering that I was two bits and a redneck away from beating the shit out of her.

"Ditzy, ain't yer mail route supposed to be over already?"  Applejack slapped a hoof to her face.  "Don't tell me you got distracted by her again..."

Her could only be referring to Sweet-Cheeks, if the mailmare's earlier behavior was any indication.  I can't really blame her, considering the caliber of flanks we were dealing with.  Still, curiosity demanded that I investigate further.  "Whoa, does Crosseyes have a thing for Rarity?"

"W-What?"  Once again, Ditzy's feathers got way too ruffled.  "I, uh, don't know what you're talking about."  She tried to stand her ground by making a serious face, but I don't think she could look serious if she tried.

"It ain't exactly a secret.  I hope you don't plan to waste time at Rarity's tomorrow, too."  Applejack took some letters from Ditzy's abnormally jittery hoof.  "There's gonna be a nasty storm tomorrow, so you don't want to be out and about any longer than you need to be."

"Ugh, don't remind me," Ditzy whined.  "The temps got let go recently, so we're understaffed.  It's just gonna be me tomorrow."

"Well shucks, if only there was somepony who could help you out."  Suddenly, Applejack got a mischievous look.  She started looking at me while stroking her chin, which kind of got a little worried.  "Somepony who's good at this sort of thing."

Subtlety was not part of Applejack's vocabulary; it was obvious what she was getting at.  "Look, I'm delivering this letter because it's not a major inconvenience for me.  I'm not gonna deliver mail for an entire town, especially not for free."  It was just ridiculous; what benefit could I have gained from doing that?

"Come on, now.  Scared of a little storm?"

"Who, me?  Are you kidding?"  I'm amazing at a lot of things.  Like, shitloads of things.  But hazardous weather management happens to be the one talent I have that's so amazing, it's proudly displayed on my ass at all times.  If there's one thing I'm not afraid of, it's bad weather.  "I love storms.  Love 'em."

I didn't realize at the time, but I was playing right into Applejack's hoof.  "Well then, this would be the perfect chance to show off what a great, Rainbow Dash-like flier you really are, right?"  Dammit, I couldn't argue with that.  Besides, delivering letters would allow me to meet just about every pony in town; if I didn't meet somepony with useful information that way, I didn't know how I would.  Aside from riding scooters, of course.

Let the records show that I, Lightning Dust, conceded that day.  "Alright, fine.  I'll do Ditzy's job for her tomorrow.  Hell, she can even stay home if she wants."

The two mares gave me these goofy smiles.  I'd let them have their victory just that one time.  "Alright, it's a deal then."  Applejack slapped me on the shoulder, which didn't do any favors for my slightly aching back.  "See you bright an' early tomorrow!"

"I'll make sure to show you the ropes, Lightning Dust!"  Ditzy held out her hoof.  So naturally, I bumped it.  I guess she was going for a hoof shake, because she looked a little confused.

Applejack seemed a little confused, too.  "Well shucks, did ya'll already meet earlier, uh, Lightning Dust?"

It was my turn to be confused, but not because of her question.  I certainly remembered meeting Ditzy at Rarity's place earlier.  Something else was bothering me.  "Yeah, we met a while ago.  Alright, I'd love to stay and chat, but I should really get going."

"Well alright, it was nice meetin' you."

"See you tomorrow, Dust!"





So ended my first day in Ponyville.  All in all, it didn't turn out as horribly as I had expected.  I met some weirdos, but I also met some really cool ponies.  Almost as cool as me, even... okay, maybe not.  But Scootaloo definitely had potential, and Applejack was alright.  A little too country for my tastes, though.  And of course, there was the lovely Miss Rarity.  I'd deliver her mail anytime.

Of course, there was also Ditzy.  She seemed innocent enough, but sketchy at the same time, however that works.  What concerned me the most, though, was just how awkward she was about everything.  For example, addressing me by my name when I never actually introduced myself to her.  She could have overheard me talking to Rarity, but that's still a little creepy.

I was probably just over thinking it.
> Ch. 4 - The Losers, The Legend
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I hadn't realized how long I'd been in Ponyville; by the time I made it back to Canterlot, I could barely see a thing.  If it weren't for my naturally honed sense of direction, I probably would have crashed into a building or something.  I'll bet the darkness didn't realize it was dealing with a hazard specialist, though.  I am the alpha-darkness, bending low visibility to my whim.  And I'd need that talent soon enough, because where I was going, creepiness was the night's companion.

Canterlot Castle; a beautiful garden of smiles and sunshine by day, but when night falls, it becomes a terrifying breeding ground for ghosts and other probably fake monstrosities.  Trust me, I have first-hoof experience; as it turns out, I make fairly regular return visits to the castle.  Granted, they are almost always during the day, but it's pretty much a requirement for castles to be scary during the night before they can graduate from Paranormal Bullshit Academy.  While I may be a pro in the dark and a master of many other talents, dealing with ghosts is not something I enjoy doing.

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to delivering this letter.

I eventually made a smooth landing at the castle's entrance, and sure enough, the same guards that always stand there were waiting for me.  With luck, I could hawk the letter off on them and go home.  "Hey, fellas."  A simple greeting was all it took to convince them to lower their wingblades.  Seriously, I hope they do a better job guarding the place when an actual threat shows up.

The two armored stallions looked me over, probably trying to see who would be awesome enough to show up that late at night.  "Wait a sec... aw geez, is that you Lightning Dust?"  The guard slapped his face; clearly he wasn't too pleased to see me.  Not surprising, considering why I'm usually there.

"Come on, is that any way to greet a friend?"  Fun fact: We weren't actually friends.

This time, the guard on the right spoke up.  "What did you do this time, Dusty?  Break some more schoolhouses?"

"Hey, it was only the one time."  It wasn't my fault they built a school between my place and Donut Joe's.  "I've got something that needs to be delivered.  Don't suppose you fellas could take care of it?"

"Hmm... well, I guess so.  Let's see it."  I passed the letter to the left guard.  He glanced over it, probably looking for a name.  My hopes of weaseling out of a delivery job were shot down when I saw his reaction to the delivery address.  "Whoa, this is for...  Heh, hell no, lady!  Do it yourself."  The jerk tossed the letter back at me; he's lucky I have such awesome dexterity because I would have been pissed if that had blown away.

"What's the matter?  Allergic to hillbilly?"

Righty snickered a little bit.  "More like, allergic to alcoholic slut."

Whoa now.  Applejack did mention that her cousin was a drinker, but that was an awfully harsh way to address somepony who was possibly your superior.  I may not always sugarcoat my words, but I at least know how to respect authority.  Kind of.  It was also possible that Apple Fritter was a lowly servant or something.  Actually, that seemed more plausible, considering her heritage.

Either way, it was obvious these cowards weren't pony enough for letter delivery, so it was up to me to save the day.  Er, night.  "Okay, fine, I'll take care of it."  Tucking the parcel under my wing, I made my way into the dark depths of the castle, leaving the snickering hyenas behind.  I'd lose a little sleep, but I'd make up for it with sheer willpower like usual.

Fortunately, I was able to a save a little time due to already being pretty familiar with the castle's layout.  Unfortunately, my familiarity consisted of the path from the front entrance to the throne room, which doubled as a court.  I didn't have guards escorting me like usual; needless to say, I was pretty much lost.  The darkness and creepy factor were only minor inconveniences at that point.

Unsurprisingly, I accidentally found myself in the throne room for what seemed like the fourth time that night.  "Stupid muscle memory," I mumbled, having had my fill of Celestia's Labyrinth of Stained Glass.  "Of course, the one time I actually want to find a guard, there are none around."  Suddenly, something glistened in the corner of my eye.  In the distance, I could just barely make out a series of colors.  Almost like... a rainbow.

"No way, it can't be..."  I didn't even spare a second before I was soaring across the throne room, headed towards the increasingly pony-shaped figure ahead of me.  As I approached it, the colors became more vibrant and noticeable.  There was no mistaking it; that was Rainbow Dash.  Except for one slight issue; why the buck would Rainbow Dash be in the castle in the middle of the night?  Was she delivering letters too?

"Hey, Dash!"  I called out to her, but there was no response.  Once I reached her, I suddenly felt extremely awkward for doing so.  "Oh, right.  Stained glass everywhere."  Yep, I was talking to a stained-glass image of my wing pony.  Fantastic.  I almost wanted to punch it, but I didn't need another misdemeanor on my record.

I was almost ready to give the castle excursion another shot, when I realized that there was something seriously wrong with what I just saw.  Sure, the actual Rainbow Dash wasn't in the castle.  But her image certainly was, and when I took a closer look at each of the designs in the throne room, I realized that she was in at least half of them.

These weren't just "pony flies around and looks happy" images, either.  No, Dash was shooting lasers, fighting some weird dragon thing, all sorts of crazy awesome crap.  "No way.  No bucking way."  I honestly couldn't think of any way to rationalize this situation; not just any pony can get her face immortalized in stained glass in Celestia's throne room.  When I saw the ponies that were shown with her, I just about pissed myself.

Complete with her crazy hat was Applejack.  Plain old hayseed Applejack, kicking up a storm with Rainbow Dash in Celestia's castle.  Rarity was there too; I knew she was a choice pick, but holy crap, I almost started to think that she was too good for me!  There was another pegasus, and the extremely pink pony from my memory.  And in the center of it all was a unicorn.  Of course the unicorn would get the most glory in Canterlot artwork.

Still, seeing their colors helped me realize something even more shocking; these were the ponies I saw at the academy.  The ones who thought flying a balloon in a dangerous airspace was a good idea.  Yet here they were, being important.  Whatever the reason was for them being up there, it was obvious that I was dealing with some pretty special ponies.

"What am I doing... I can't be wasting my time here."  The letter wasn't going to deliver itself; I could gawk at stained glass some other time.  It was food for thought, that's for sure, but I could ask about it later.  The darkness was still especially dark, but after some trial and error I happened upon a hallway I hadn't seen yet.  And lucky for me, it had some guards in it.  Not only that, but it looked like some sort of residential hall, so that's probably where all of the ponies were.  It was easily the most useful hallway in the entire castle, possibly all of Canterlot.

"Halt!  State your business."

A particularly surly guard wasn't about to let me just waltz in on a bunch of sleeping ponies; understandable, but still inconvenient.  "I'm here to deliver a letter to Apple Fritter."  I showed him the letter so he'd know I was serious.  "Can you direct me to her room?"

"Well, Lady Fritter's room is actually in the left wing," the guard stated, a bit of awkwardness in his voice.  "This is the right wing."

"Figures.  Alright, guess I'll head the-"

"But..."  Before I could leave, he stopped me with an extended foreleg.  "She's most likely in Prince Blueblood's quarters, which is in the royal hall just ahead.  It may be quicker just to go there.  It's the third door on the right."

For once, a pony not being where they were supposed to be was a good thing.  Wonders abound in Canterlot Castle.  "Sounds good to me," I said, making my way further down the hall.  The closer to the royal hall I got, the more guards there were.  Even when I'm not in trouble for something, having a bunch of stone-faced armored pegasi stare me down is really awkward.  They probably didn't even stop to appreciate my well-defined flanks.

Judging by the pointlessly lavish decorations, I was fairly certain I had made it to the royal hall.  "Third door on the right, huh?"  Naturally, seeing as how the princesses themselves slept in that wing, the guard count was off the chart.  From the looks of it, at least two elite guards were stationed to each door.  A pony's gotta wonder if they ever get to sleep?

I made my way past the first door, being eyed very closely by every guard in the vicinity.  Their stares were practically making my hair stand on end, but I wasn't about to let a little awkwardness stop my mission.  The second door went very much the same way; I think some of them recognized me, because they cocked their eyebrows and started mumbling.  Jerks.

Then there was the third door on the right.  The guards watching the door were, to my surprise, decidedly un-stone-faced.  They just stared ahead with blank eyes, with heavy bags on their lids to complete the "witnessed that which must never be seen" look.  That was an extremely bad sign.  The soldier on the right was just a young mare; she looked like she was about to cry.  Her companion, a bulky old stallion with an eye patch and bitchin' mustache, was probably the closest thing to a ghost I'd see in that castle.  Clearly something was wrong with the Prince's room.  The question was, did I want to find out what it was?

Sort of.

"You guys wouldn't happen to know if Apple Fritter is in this room, would you?"  I tried to lighten the mood with one of my trademark sexy smiles, with less than satisfactory results.  The disturbed duo flinched the second I mentioned her name, followed by the younger guard trying to shift her attention anywhere else.

The more experienced of the two sighed, but at least tried to help out.  "Yes, Lady Fritter is currently inside.  However, she and his highness Prince Blueblood are... um, preoccupied."  

"Not too preoccupied to accept a simple letter, I assume?"

"Well, no, but... I couldn't in good faith send you into that room."  Suddenly, his eyes were burning into my own, showing me the years of torment he had endured.  "What you witness in there could destroy you.  Look at my poor associate."  The mare didn't even budge; she just stood there, staring into the abyss.  "She made the mistake of walking in one night... and she's been like this ever since."

My will was faltering, but duty called.  "Sorry sir, but I've gotta do this.  Brownie points are at stake."  Just then, I heard some faint voices coming from behind the door.  They seemed cheerful enough, but the fact that the guards were so bothered by them anyway was cause for alarm.  I inched closer and closer to the door, my heart pounding faster just thinking of the horrors awaiting me.  With my ear pressed against the cold wood, their words became clearer...

"Alright, now that I've polished off the royal scepter, you wanna take a dip in mah fountain of youth or go on an excursion through mah crystal caverns?"

"Hic... as the Prinsh, I ORDER you to... uh, to deshide for me.  I'm far too drunk for such difficult thinking."

"Well golly gee, the caverns it is then!"

I could feel the cold sweat forming on my face.  There were absolutely no words for what I had just heard, not helped by the fact that I only understood about half of it.  "Are they, uh..."  I pointed a trembling hoof at the door.  "Are they entering the danger zone in there?"  I prayed that I was wrong and that there really was a fountain and a cavern hidden in the Prince's room, but a simple nod of the old guard's head confirmed my fears.

Swallowing my hesitation in one massive lump, I slowly reached my foreleg out.  My brain was screaming at me to just slide the letter under the door, but I needed to make sure it went to the right pony.  With a deep breath, I lightly tapped the door with my hoof.  The voices stopped, replaced by a thump and several hoof clops.  The steps grew louder and louder, each clop adding on to my anxiety.  Eventually, the door swung open, revealing a scene I had never hoped to see in my life.

The luxurious bed was occupied by a very fancy, and very intoxicated white stallion; he had to be Blueblood.  If the smell of booze and sex wasn't enough of a hint as to what was happening in there, the empty bottles littering the floor were evidence enough.  The guards, in spite of their better interest, now joined me in watching the horrors unfold.  And there to welcome us into the chamber of sin was a butter-colored mare, standing there with her green twin tails and kinky plaid miniskirt.

Judging by her face, she was about as confused as we were horrified.

"Can I help you?"  She cracked an adorable little smile, as if she was completely unaware that she'd just been screwing royalty.  Or maybe that's why she was smiling.

The fritters dotting her intentionally exposed flank indicated that I had found the pony I was looking for.  "Yeah, uh, I've got this letter."  I passed Applejack's invitation to her.  "It's from your cousin."

"Mah cousin?"  Fritter tore the top off of the envelope with a stocking-covered hoof, and took a look at the note inside.  Not even five seconds into it, a huge smile spread across her face.  "Well golly gee!  Applejerk's lettin' me come to the reunion this year!"  The crazy mare hopped up and down like a filly, making the situation all the more disturbing.  "You hear that, Bluey?  Mah family don't hate me no more!"

Hate her?  Applejack did act a little weird when she mentioned her, but hate's an awfully strong word.  It should only be saved for truly despicable ponies, like really slow old folks.  "Applejack said she forgot the invitation.  I doubt she actually hates you or anything."

"Psh, sure she did.  Just like she forgot last year's invite."  Fritter rolled her eyes, but didn't drop her smile for a second.  In fact, I couldn't detect even a drop of malice or spite in her voice.  "But I guess she couldn't get enough of little ol' me.  Boy howdy, I can't wait to see mah family again!"

"Yeah, that's great.  Family's great."  As much as I would have loved to stay and talk to a half-drunk, sexed-up hillbilly, I had other places to be.  Just about anywhere but in that room, really.  Unfortunately, Fritter wasn't about to make my getaway easy, because I soon found myself caught in yet another back-breaking hug.

"Shucks, I don't know who you are, but you've made mah night!"  The show of gratitude took an extremely disturbing turn when she shifted from happy to lusty.  "And now," she whispered, rubbing an unwanted hoof on my side, "I think I oughta make your night.  Oh, Blueblood!"

The wasted prince lifted his head in response to his mistress' call.  "Think ya'll can handle two runs tonight?"  Fritter was far more excited about the idea than I was.

"Who do you think yer s-shpeakin' to, knave!"  Waving his mighty hoof in the air, the dignified Blueblood addressed his royal subjects.  "I have mated, um, fifty mares in one night!  You were at least twelve of them!"

"Haha, oh Bluey, you big goof!"  Why was she laughing so much?  This was like a circus of terror, and I wanted a refund.  "Don't worry 'bout Big Blue," she said, probably unaware of just what I was worried about.  "If he can't finish you off, I'll treat you right..."  As if that wasn't bad enough, Fritter decided to spread the love to the poor guards.  "Ya'll can join in too!  Always doin' such a bang-up job guardin' the place, you deserve a treat.  By which I actually mean-"

"No."  I tried not to push Fritter away too hard, but sometimes I've just gotta lay down the law.  "Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not into that."

"Not into... oh!"  At least she was reasonable where it counted.  "I'm so sorry!  Ya'll probably need some proper context."  Maybe not.  "You see, Bluey was just deployin' his troops into the deadly valley of-"

"No, I get what you're doing.  I'm just not going to go in that room."

"Not even for a few minutes?"

"No.  Not even for a few seconds."

If Fritter's pouting was an attempt to convince me to dance the forbidden groove with her, it wasn't working.  I had steeled myself to such pitiful attempts.  "But... but I gotta repay you somehow."

"No."  If ever there was a time to be generous, it was that very moment.... except that there WAS a way for her to repay me.  A way that didn't involve parts going into other parts.  "Wait.  Actually... there's something I'm wondering if you could answer for me."

That perked her right- actually, "perked" probably isn't the most tasteful adjective considering the circumstances.  Fritter grabbed my foreleg; instinctively, I ground my hooves into the carpet to prevent unexpected jerking.  "Well shucks, I'll do what I can!  Hey Bluey, rain check on the early morning train ride!"  The snoring coming from Blueblood's room suggested that he didn't mind too much.  "Alright, off we go!"

"Hold it, can't I just ask you-"  Too late.  We were already off, charging into the darkness.  Honestly, I felt safer alone.





"This.  This right here."  I thrust my hoof towards one of the numerous stained glass window's in the throne room.  "What's the story behind these?"

"What, you don't know?"  Fritter chuckled at my apparent lack of knowledge; I've busted flanks for less than that, but I digress.  "Those are the Elements of Harmony!"

"What the hell is an Element of Harmony?"

"Beats me, but mah cousin's one of them!  And let me tell you somethin',"  Fritter wrapped her leg around my shoulders, prompting me to be on my guard for surprise attacks.  "Havin' a hero as your family is great for your resume!"

"Heroes, huh?"  I looked up at the massive image.  They certainly did look heroic, but it was still just so hard to believe.  I mean, a bunch of random ponies from Ponyville becoming legends?  How come I had never witnessed any of their supposed heroics?  Admittedly, I don't tend to pay much attention to other ponies' accomplishments, but I think I'd know if magic lasers were being tossed around.

But it all started to fall into place.  Just looking at Fritter, it was obvious she wasn't exactly professional in nature.  So how did she manage to land such a cushy job?  Come to think of it...

"Hey Fritter, what exactly do you do around here, anyway?  Aside from, you know, drinking and boldly going where no pony has gone before?"

"Why, I'm the cook around here!  Celestia's personal food-preparicator!"  Yikes, not just a cook, but the princess' personal chef?

"And Applejack being some bigshot got you here?"

"Yup!  I tell you, she can be a killjoy but Applejerk ain't so bad all the time.  Why, this one time, she didn't even turn me in for showin' her sister mah naughty photos!"  Her laughing was contagious, to the point where I would have considered joining in if the mental image wasn't so disturbing.  "We don't always agree on stuff, but it's thanks to her personal recommendation that I was able to achieve mah dream."

"Achieve your dream, huh?"  As odd as she was, Apple Fritter had done something most ponies never manage to accomplish in their lifetimes.  Something even I had yet to accomplish.  "I can respect that.  Actually, the reason I even had that letter is because I've been going after my dream.  Or at least, preparing myself until I can actually reach it."

"I'm sure you'll make it."  Fritter gazed longingly at the image of her cousin.  "You grow up bein' told that you'll never amount to anythin'.  That your dreams'll never come true.  But look at me now!"  A goofy smile crossed her face.  "I showed 'em.  I'm livin' the life, doin' what I love!  I ain't perfect, but I ain't got any regrets.  All things considered, mah life is pretty gosh darn swell."

"Wow.  Where did that come from?"

"It came from mah heart, love.  And four bottles of alcobooze."

Doing what you love, whenever you want.  That was the dream for just about every pony in Equestria.  It was Apple Fritter's dream.  It was my dream.  I was determined to reach that dream at all costs.  Fritter, in spite of her flaws, had surpassed the odds and made her goals a reality.  But looking up at the bar I had set for myself, at Rainbow Dash, I started to have my first pangs of doubt.

Dash was a hero.  A living legend.  I may have been the lead pony, but she had done so much for Equestria that I didn't even know about.  I had never believed Dash to be the standard for perfection, but now... it was starting to feel like she was something more.  I thought my soul searching would go smoothly, that I could just iron out my problems.  But in just one day, I had seen the bar raised to heights that not even Celestia herself could fly to.

I was the best, but Dash... Dash was something higher.  Something better.  And I was going to get there.

"Well listen to me, just spoutin' off!"  My deep thought was shattered by Fritter, who seemed to have snapped out of her own moment of reflection.  "Didn't mean to get all sappy on you!  Drinks'll do that."

"No worries.  Actually," I said, somewhat surprised by what I was about to say, "I feel a lot better after talking.  Thanks, Fritter."

"Shucks, it ain't no thing, uh..."

"Lightning Dust."

"It ain't no thing, Dusty!"  Having had our fill of stained glass, we departed towards the castle entrance.  It was about time to hit the sack at last.  "You know, we oughta go drinkin' sometime.  You seem like a swell gal, it'd be tons of fun.  And, you know," she whispered, ushering the return of the creepy voice, "I can always come back to your place if you're interested in mah offer from before..."

"I think I'll pass on that, thanks."

"Aw... what about the drinks?  Little bit o' the drinky does a body good!"

Saying that I straight up didn't feel safe drinking with her seemed a little rude.  Normally that wouldn't stop me from doing so anyway, but she did kind of help me out.  "I will have one drink with you sometime.  One drink."

"Five drinks."

"One drink."

"...Two drinks?"

"One drink."

"You got yourself a deal, Dusty!"  We sealed the agreement with a hoofshake, reminding me that I'd need to shower at least five times later.  I was probably making a huge mistake, but in all honesty, it could never hurt to have somepony to drink with in Canterlot.  Even if she was an alcoholic sexual deviant.  Not even a minute after we exchanged the shake, she was already chatting up one of the guards.  Judging by his "I'm married" comment, I didn't need to guess the subject.

My chat with Fritter had given me a lot to think about.  Meeting the lofty heights Rainbow Dash had somehow reached was looking more and more difficult, but I was more motivated than ever.  What can I say, I love a good challenge!  Although the thought of challenges made me realize something else...

That morning, I had basically no friends.  Except Joe, who barely counts.  Suddenly, I had quite a few of them, and I wasn't even trying.  I know I've got the charisma of a rock star, but... it seemed like friends were coming too easy.  I couldn't help but wonder why I didn't have any friends before?

I wouldn't realize until later that friends are easy to make... the real challenge is keeping them.
> Ch. 5 - Mailmare Extraordinaire
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Ditzy calls this a storm?  Are you kidding me?

Just as my Ponyville compatriots had promised, there was certainly a storm brewing in the quiet town.  Well, not really a storm; it was more like some slightly rough wind with grey clouds.  I guess other ponies may have different criteria for weather, because I don't consider it a real storm until somepony can get killed.  At least the mail delivery job would be easy, it just wouldn't be... you know, fun.

Despite being a grey pegasus on a grey day, Ditzy wasn't too difficult to find.  I had expected her to be hanging around in, you know, a post office, but there she was just lounging around on a bench.  It's no wonder Applejack's mail was late the other day.  Oh well, that's why I was there.

"Hey, Bubble Butt!"  Ditzy nearly jumped right out of her seat; it would have been hilarious, except she probably would have dropped the letters everywhere.  Then it would be hysterical.  "Those letters aren't gonna deliver themselves, you know!  Don't wait on my account!"

"Oh, hey there Lightning Dust."  Her voice was a little muffled, due to half of her face being shoved in one of her two mailbags.  "I was just separating the letters into two bags, and organizing them by address."  To prove it, she transferred a small mouthful of letters from the larger bag to the smaller one sitting next to her.

"Really?  What for?  Can't you just shove a pile into the other bag and call it good?"

"If they're organized, we won't have to dig through as many letters at each house," Ditzy said through another mouthful of letters.  "It will save a little bit of time, and we'll need as much time as we can get."

So she was taking maximum efficiency into consideration.  Not bad; maybe I was underestimating her.  "What do we need time for?"  I took a seat next to her, shoving the small bag to the side.  "Not like there's a storm or anything."

"No storm?  Looks like one to me..."  Obviously, my sarcasm was completely lost on her.  "And, well... I don't know how much experience you have, so I'll need some time to show you the ropes."

Oh.  Oh shit.  It turned out I wasn't the only one doing some underestimating.  "I don't know who you're calling 'inexperienced', but I don't think it takes a whole lot of practice to throw some paper around."  

"There's more to it than that, Lightning."  Ditzy didn't seem to be taking me seriously, since she just sort of smiled at my comment.  Not cool.  "You have to be able to read addresses, deliver telegrams, stay off of lawns..."

"Ditzy, we have wings.  If we're touching the ground, we're doing something wrong."

"Not necessarily," she replied, getting off of the bench.  "Sometimes it's nice to just take a walk.  We don't always have to fly; in fact, it's usually more relaxing."

"Okay, that doesn't make any sense.  What's the point of going through all the trouble to separate these letters if you don't even care how fast you go?"

"It's not about speed, Lightning.  It's about doing a good job."

"And doing a good job is about... Argh!"  I couldn't take much more of that.  She was just spewing crap at that point; honestly, I should have been the one "showing her the ropes".  In fact, that's exactly what I was going to do.  "Alright, Cross-Eyes," I yelled, grabbing the larger of the two mail bags, "I'm gonna show you how a real pegasus works.  See that block of houses over there?"  I pointed towards several houses stretching into the near distance.  "I'll take the left side, you take the right.  First pony who reaches the end of the block and delivers to each house, wins all the glory and will not be labelled a complete loser."

"Um, Lightning, I-I'm actually supposed to take that bag..."

"What, you don't think I can handle this many letters?"  Nopony underestimates Lightning Dust.  Especially not lazy mailmares.  "If you're a real pegasus, you'll grab that sack and get your flank to the starting line."  To my surprise, Ditzy actually stood by my side at the start of the block.  I had honestly expected her to weasel her way out of it; I guess even chumps have their pride.

I mentally prepared myself for the challenge ahead.  There were about ten houses on each side, possibly more after that.  Although I wasn't too worried about it, I figured it couldn't hurt to observe my competition's strategy.  Ditzy's plan of attack, from what I could tell, was shifting awkwardly and mumbling something about trading bags.  Sheesh, she was really hung up on that bag.  OCD much?

"On your mark... get set..."

And we were off.  Well, okay, I was off.  Ditzy took off like a sack of potatoes, but that wasn't my problem.  Wind tearing at my face, I blasted towards my first target.  Mailbox in sight, preparing for landing.  Using my wings as a parachute of sorts, I drifted into a smooth stop in front of House Number One.  "Alright, first letter is a go..."  Reaching into the sack, I pulled out the letter on top of the pile.  "Five one nine, Daffodil Square.  Which should be right... wait."  Looking at the letter, and comparing its information to the numbers on the mailbox, something wasn't quite adding up.  "First letter is NOT a go!  Ditzy!"

I glanced behind me and, sure enough, Ditzy was just dawdling along.  "Ditzy, this letter says five one nine, but the mailbox says five one eight!  What gives, I thought you organized these!"  Just then, I noticed that I was looking directly behind me.  "And get on your own side, you cheater!

"I am on my side!"  She reached into her own bag and pulled the first letter out.  "See, this one is for five one nine!  You're on the wrong side!"

"Oh... well, you could have said something!"

"Sorry..."

"Ugh, forget it."  It was a minor setback, I was still going to win.  With a quick wing beat, I propelled myself across the dirt road, directly in front of the actual correct building.  If there's one thing I do well, it's make the best of a bad situation.  There's no such thing as a "bad start" for Lightning Dust.

The rest of the run went smoothly, although I was quickly finding that mail delivery required far too much stopping.  My wings were starting to get a little sore from all of the brakes I had to pull.  Then came House Number Seven.  "Alright, seventh letter is a... hold it."  I was in front of the correct house, at least according to the number pattern.  There was absolutely nothing that should have gone wrong with that delivery and yet, an extremely vital component of the process was missing.

"Ditzy!"  I turned around just in time to catch the speck in the distance perk what were probably her ears.  I was gonna need to be louder than that, but as it turned out, yelling was yet another of my amazing talents.  "Ditzy!"

That got her attention.  "Yes?!"

"This house doesn't have a mailbox!"

"Which house?!"

"Uh..."  I quickly glanced at the letter in my hoof.  "Five three one!"

"What?!"

"FIVE!  THREE!  ONE!"

"Oh!  You have to go to the door!"

"That's stupid!"

"What?!"

"I said that's stu-"

"For the love of Celestia!"  Suddenly, House Number Seven decided to join in the conversation, taking the form of an angry old dude yelling from the top floor window.  "We are trying to sleep in here!"

"This is important business, sir!"

"Important my ass, just give me the damn letter!"  As the surly fellow requested, I airlifted his mail to him.  He could have been a little more polite about it, though.  "I swear, you foals lose more brain cells every generation..."

"I'd rather lose my brain cells than hair follicles.  OH SNAP."  I would have stayed to see his reaction to my witty jab at his genetics, but I had a race to win.  Luckily, the owners of the last few houses weren't too cheap to buy mailboxes.  Soon enough, I was at the end of the block, with yet another fully expected victory under my metaphorical belt.  "See that Ditzy?  What did I tell you?"

Ditzy did not see that, as it turned out.  I don't think she could have seen anything, because I sure as heck couldn't see her.  "Geez, how in the world is she going so slow?  This is easy!"  I waited around for at least one minute, but there was still no sign of that slowpoke.  Maybe the weather actually got bad and I didn't notice?  I looked up at the sky; still nothing to write home about.  "Wow, Ditzy.  How in the world do you even still have this job?"

Well, I wasn't about to wait longer than I needed to.  There were letters to deliver and ponies to see.  Specifically, ponies who may or may not have been monster-busting heroes at some point in their lives.  Preferably a unicorn, with a possibility of high-quality posterior value.





"Wow, it's like she intentionally gave me letters for all of the town's most generic citizens."  I was over three-quarters of the way through the bag, and hadn't seen even one noteworthy pony.  Okay, there was one pony actually named Noteworthy, but for once, the name did a crummy job of describing the owner.  I swear, it was like I saw the same ponies in multiple houses.  Not only that, but most of the houses I ended up at didn't even have mailboxes.  There were letters addressed to tents.  Like, tents that you camp in.  I was afraid a freakin' gypsy would pop out and cast a spell on me.  And don't even get me started on the one addressed to the Everfree buckin' Forest.  There was a zebra there, though, so that was kind of cool.

But things were about to take a turn for the sexy, because I had just made it to the dwelling of the lovely Lady Rarity.  And this time, maybe I wouldn't make a complete creep of myself!  "Get ready Rarity, because I'm about to shove my letters right in your mailbox."  Okay, doing my best Apple Fritter impression was not the correct way to avoid creepiness.

On top of that, Rarity didn't have a mailbox.  Normally that would have annoyed me, except that now it meant I had to talk to her face to face, and with an actual excuse.  "Alright," I said, reaching into my sack of goodies, "what sort of mail do I have for... Cherry Berry?"  That had to be a mistake, because the letter should have said "Rarity" on it.  I took out the letter under it; sure enough, it was addressed to "Roseluck".

"But the numbers are still in the right order.  The only one missing is... oh."  Of course.  It all made sense.  "Oh, okay.  Ditzy, you sneaky bitch."  Whatever, there wasn't much I could do about it.  It's not like Ditzy would be getting that letter to her until a week later anyway.  It was time to move on.

The rest of the mail route went the same as before; nothing even remotely interesting happened.  I even tried tossing letters into the mailboxes from a distance, but the admittedly strong wind was throwing off my aim.  I guess Mr. Greenhooves wouldn't be getting his bills this month.

I had to be getting close to the end, because the route was starting to take me out into a field.  Sure enough, I only had two letters left.  "Alright, let's get this over with.  House Number Stopped Counting Two Hours Ago is for..."  I did a double take at the letter's address.  My attention then shifted to the overdecorated cloud house floating way up in the sky.  There shouldn't have been anything startling about it; I mean, I already knew that Rainbow Dash lived in Ponyville, but actually seeing her house there was really getting me pumped.  Even though she wouldn't be there, of course.

Still, I hauled flank towards that ridiculous-looking cloud house like nopony's business.  "Geez, where's the door on this thing?"  No, really, this house had a pile of crap on it that it really didn't need; I'd like to know where Dash found the bits to get her own rainbow rivers.  Despite the extra features and my complaining, however, finding the door was much easier once I got a little closer.  That just left one major obstacle.

"No mailbox, no Rainbow Dash... where the hell am I supposed to put this letter?"  And then it hit me.  There I was, standing in front of Dash's house, with a letter for Rainbow Dash, and a civil duty to make sure she received it.  Logically speaking, I had every right to be in that building; no, it was in my temporary job requirement to be in that building.  I pushed the door gingerly, but it was a no go... until I remembered that I'm Lightning Dust, and this house was made of clouds.

"Oh look, Rainbow Dash forgot to lock her door.  Oops."  I'd fix the door later; for now, I had business to take care of.  The inside of her house was actually a bit more humble than the outside.  It also seemed a lot smaller, but pretty damn cozy.  Cloud houses are comfortable as heck, and I'm still pissed that those lawyers wouldn't let me set one up in Canterlot.  Anyway, the first floor had basic commodities such as a chip-covered sofa, a sink full of dirty dishes and, of course, a microwave as the only cooking apparatus; a closer look revealed that Dash apparently doesn't cover her spaghetti when she nukes it.   Ah well, we can't all be as cleanly and meticulous as Lightning Dust.

Her magazine-covered coffee table was as good a place for a letter as any.  I considered mixing it in with the other junk lying around, to maybe conceal the fact that I had broken into her house, but in the long run it wasn't really a big deal.  She'd probably just assume it was Ditzy, and I could totally see that weirdo burglarizing her friends.  Well, that was easy, time to go.  There was still one question, though; was it really time to go?  After all, there was still one floor left to be explored, and I was already in the house.

The top floor had only two rooms; the bathroom, and Dash's bedroom.  I felt that invading the privacy of another mare's bathroom was in pretty bad taste; I know there's stuff in my bathroom I don't want other ponies to see.  Besides, the other option was bound to have more interesting stuff to look at.  Upon entering the bedroom, I immediately realized how right I was.  You could tell she was a Wonderbolts fanatic, what with the posters of Captain Spitfire and the rest of them all over the place.  She even had that pinup of Fleetfoot from a few months back, probably for dubious purposes.  And I can't blame her.

Then I saw it, sitting on the nightstand next to her bed.  A little blue book with Dash's cutie mark drawn on it.  "Now Lightning Dust.  You can do a lot of things, and you can do them well," I told myself as I slowly approached my prize, "but would you really read another mare's diary?"  It was a moral dilemma, probably the most difficult one I'd ever faced.  The answers to all my problems could be sitting right there, literally written into the pages of that book for me to read.  All I had to do was violate the most sacred law of fillyhood since the beginning of time.  Was I despicable enough to do that, after having already invaded my wing pony's privacy?

Buck yes.

Those pages were flung open so fast I thought they would tear right out.  My anticipation was boiling; it wasn't quite the same as talking to Dash, but it was pretty damn close.  There were probably all sorts of things in there that she wouldn't want to tell me even if I asked, so in a way, it was better.  "Let's see, what's this one say..."

Today was Winter Wrap Up.  Ditzy took the birds the wrong way.  What a feather brain.  It was awesome.

That entry was less than useful, although I could totally see Bubble Butt doing that.  Moving on...

I went to the Gala.  It was lame because the Wonderbolts didn't notice me, and now I won't be the captain.  But I got to eat donuts with my friends, so it was awesome.

Well, that explained how Joe met Dash and her friends.  The Wonderbolts comment was interesting, but other than that, still nothing particularly telling.

I beat up Discord with my friends.  He was a jerk but we used the elements to beat him.  It was awesome.

"Wait, isn't Discord just a fictional monster used in swears and stuff?"  The more you know, I suppose.

Rarity went to a Wonderbolts show in Canterlot.  I'm jealous because Fleetfoot won.  Fleetfoot's a hottie and also awesome.

Looking at the pinup just over my bed, I couldn't help but agree with her.  The crude drawing of Fleetfoot under the entry was a little unnecessary, though.

Spitfire watched me do the annual tornado.  It almost got messed up, but Fluttershy came and everything went okay.  Spitfire said I was cool, so maybe I'll be the captain someday.  That would be awesome.

Just like the other entry, Dash mentioned being the captain of the Wonderbolts.  A pretty lofty goal, since not just anypony can get that good.  But it was a goal nonetheless.

I sent in my application for Wonderbolt Academy today.  I really really really really really really really REALLY hope I get accepted.  I am awesome but I hope they think so too, because I really want to be captain someday.  I've been working so hard this year because of this.  I had a dream about being the captain and Spitfire said I was awesome and Fleetfoot gave me a kiss which was also awesome.  Please please please let them accept me.

That was the last entry, and oh boy, was it a doozy.  That page was pretty much exactly what I was hoping to find; Rainbow Dash's greatest desire.  Her primary goal.  From what I saw of her at the academy, she seemed like a pretty determined and talented flier, and she had mentioned becoming the captain someday, but I assumed it was supposed to be a joke or something.  I didn't think she was serious; at least, not this serious.  A quick scan of some pages I skipped over revealed that the word "captain" showed up in at least half of them.

This gave me something to work with.  Dash was in the academy while I wasn't, but unlike before, I now had a visible level that I'd need to reach in order to get there.  Dash was, somehow, at a level somewhere slightly above me, but the level of "captain" was still above her.  Which meant that if I could somehow reach that level...

The wall's creaks were starting to show.  Now I just needed the right tools for the job.





"Alright, and... done.  Good enough."  The door could have been less lopsided, but I'd like to see Ditzy do a better job.  The sky was still pretty cloudy, but considering the time I had spent delivering mail and factoring in the half-hour I spent invading Dash's house, I'd say it was about midday.  Not too shabby, seeing as how I only had one letter left to deliver.  "Alright, and the lucky last letter goes to..."

Rarity.

"Wait, I DID have Rarity's letter!"  It was completely out of order, but there it was on the bottom of the sack.  "Why the crap was her letter buried under all of the... oh, wait a sec."  Thinking about it, that made perfect sense.  Ditzy had mentioned that this bag was for her; I assumed she was just being particularly anal, but Applejack's comments from the other day put it into perspective.  "Wow, of course Ditzy would factor in her own creepiness.  If that wasn't so sketchy, it would almost be cute."

Time waits for no mare, however, and neither does Lightning Dust.  I was totally amped from reading Dash's diary, and with another shot at Rarity, it was only going to get better from there.  Although I had to fly all the way back to the boutique, my excessive agility cut the time down by at least three quarters.  I made sure to do a few flips before making a landing on her doorstep, just in case she was watching from a window or something.  "Okay Lightning, time for round two."  I knocked the buck out of that door.  "Mail call!"

"Oh my, already?"  The door swung open to reveal Rarity's beauty to the world once again.  "I wasn't expecting the mail so-"  I must have stunned her with my own charm, because she couldn't even bring herself to take the letter.  That, or she hadn't forgotten about yesterday.

"Uh, hey Rarity!"  Alleviating tension is something I do quite well; I grinned a bit to let her know that I came in peace.  "I've got some mail for you!"

"Oh... I didn't realize you were a mail carrier."

"Well, actually, I'm not."  Wow, I don't know what it is about Rarity, but anything I said somehow sounded creepier than it should have.  She was all too aware of this, cocking an eyebrow and widening the distance between us.  Crap, it was time to salvage this train wreck.  "Okay, truth is, I'm helping Ditzy deliver some mail.  I didn't mean to sound so creepy yesterday, it's just that I-"

"Oh, it's quite alright, darling."

"It is?  I mean, I guess it wasn't a huge deal or anything, but it was sorta kinda really sketchy."

"I may have acted a little overly suspicious, and for that, I apologize.  Besides," Rarity said, sighing in what I had to guess was exasperation, "at least you brought my mail on time, instead of standing around and watching my door for an hour."

Holy crap, an hour?  "So you noticed that, huh?"  I guess if it was a regular thing, Rarity would pretty much have to catch on eventually.  What surprised me about it was just how much she knew.

"It's not as though I have anything against the poor dear, but..."  Rarity sighed again as she glanced over the letter in her hoof.  "Not to sound vain, but she clearly has some infatuation with me.  I certainly hope that isn't the case, because..."

"Because?"

"Well... she just isn't my type, I suppose."

Ouch.  I guess I should have seen it coming, but damn, I was glad Ditzy wasn't there to hear it.  Otherwise, she'd probably go on a slasher rampage or something.  Then again, rejection builds character.

Speaking of Ditzy...

"Hey, Lightning Dust!"  Bubble Butt was just sort of moseying along, huge shock.  "Did you get all the letters deli-... uh, h-hey there R-Rarity..."

"Yeah, Ditzy," I said, making sure to sound as condescending as possible, "I was just finishing up, actually."

"Sorry, I meant to have you take care of this bag," she whined, digging at the ground.  "I even gave you Twilight and Pinkie's mail so you could meet them.  W-Wait!"  Suddenly she was right up in my face, apparently oblivious to the fact that Rarity was still standing there.  "Do you still have Dash's letter?"

"Nah, I took care of it."

"You took care of it?  But... I'm the only one with a key to her house."  Oh crap.  Telling her the truth would definitely not be the right choice, but there wasn't much I could say.  Even Rarity was giving me another weird look; figures, just when things were starting to go good... Oh wait, that's right.  I'm Lighting Dust.  Of course I lied my way out of it.  And oh, what a glorious, well-thought out lie it was.

"I slid it under the door."

"Oh, okay."  Dodged a train there.  And hey, even if Ditzy hadn't completely fallen for that lie, Rarity had my back.

"Oh my," she said, looking towards the space just behind Ditzy.  "Fluttershy, darling, is that you?"

I squinted my eyes just right and... holy crap, there was an entire pony standing behind Ditzy.  I didn't even notice her there; between the utter lack of presence and pointlessly long pink bangs, she was a wallflower to the extreme.  I think she was trying to communicate, because she mumbled something that I doubt even Ditzy could have heard.

"Don't worry, Fluttershy."  Ditzy gave her shy friend a little push forward.  "This is Lightning Dust, the one I told you about.  She's my new friend!"

Friend?  I didn't recall telling her that we were friends.  But hey, Fluttershy already had three things going for her; she was cute, a pegasus, and from what my memory of the previous night was telling me, a hero.  That's like three strikes, but not against her.  Or something.

"H-Hello.  My name is Fluttershy, and it's wonderful to meet you, Lightning Dust."  She was probably the most well-mannered pegasus I had ever met; however, politeness has no place in  a meeting between our kind.  No, there is only one true way for pegasi to judge each other's worth.

She backed away as I attempted to close the distance between us, sizing her up indiscriminately.  "You fly?"

"Um... y-yes?"

"Sweet."  I was already crouched into lift-off position.  "Let's go a round, you and me."

I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow floored a pony just by talking to her.  I would have added that to my list of awesome abilities, but I was more concerned about how one pegasus could possibly be so wimpy.  Ditzy helped her back onto her hooves.  "Sorry, Dust.  She's a little shy."

"No kidding."  I looked Fluttershy directly in the eyes.  There were other ways to judge a pegasus without actually having it out.  "What's your wing power?"

"I-Is there a reason you want to know that?  I mean, if you don't mind me asking..."  I didn't answer; I just fixed my stare on the quivering coward.  She should have realized that this was the most important question she would ever be asked.  Eventually, Rarity spoke up.

"Please, Lightning, there's no need to be so forward.  If you absolutely must know," she said, placing a hoof around Fluttershy's shoulders, "it was a very respectable two point three."

"Two... two point three?"  I was a little- no, a lot confused.  Fluttershy was supposed to be a hero.  Hell, Rainbow Dash's diary said she saved the annual tornado.  Two point three wing power is not just pathetic, it's downright insulting to pegasi in general.  I was pushing almost three wing power when I was five, and that isn't even factoring in that I was a complete badass even as a foal.

"Um, I'm sorry.  I know it's bad."

"Bad doesn't even begin to describe it."  I shrugged; we can't all be winners, after all.  "But at least you're aware of your faults.  That counts for something, right?"

"Lightning Dust, please!"  Oops, I guess I pissed off Rarity.  "Don't worry Fluttershy, we don't care about some silly wing power."  She pulled the weakling into an admittedly adorable hug.  "We love you the way you are!"  Seeing the moment almost made me feel like a jerk, even though I was totally right.

"Yeesh, if she's one of Rainbow Dash's friends," I said to Ditzy, who was entranced by the adorableness, "how in the world does she keep up?"

Something about that seemingly simple question set off a trigger in Ditzy's brain.  "Oh my gosh, I almost completely forgot!"  While Fluttershy and Rarity snapped out of their little world to listen, Ditzy suddenly turned to me with a huge grin on her face.  "Fluttershy got a letter from Rainbow Dash!"

"Okay.  What does that have to do with me?"

"Apparently, the Wonderbolts have a show this Sunday in Canterlot."  Ditzy was practically jumping up and down in excitement.  "They're giving all the cadets the weekend off!"

"Which means..."

"Dashie is coming home!  She said she'll be here on Friday, so you can ask her whatever it was you were trying to figure out!  Isn't that great?"

It was great.  Fantastic, even.  It was basically the perfect solution to my issue... except for one thing; I already knew the solution.  I didn't really need to talk to her anymore; what I needed was a way to solve the issue.  I sort of felt like Dash wouldn't be able to provide that for me.  She obviously wouldn't be too keen on helping another pony get good enough to be the captain of the Wonderbolts, and unless she could somehow toss me some loser ponies to train-

Wait.

A captain is somepony who shows other ponies how to do what they love, and do it well.  At the academy, I had only been a lead pony; I did my job, but I wasn't responsible for the well-being of others.  If I could get some bad fliers to suddenly be amazing, and find a way to show it off to the Wonderbolts AND Rainbow Dash, say, during a pre-performance opener...

Oh sweet Celestia, I just had the greatest idea in Equestrian history.

"...Hey, Dusty, why are you grinning like tha-"

"Rarity!"  The mare in question flinched a bit; I guess I could have lowered my voice, but I was just way too excited.  "If I give you some bits, could you throw together some custom-made uniforms?"

Rarity flipped her hair and huffed.  "I do not 'throw together', but yes, I could fashion you some lovely suits."

"Perfect."  I turned to the two pegasi, who looked as dumbfounded as one would expect from... well, them.  "Say, ladies, I don't suppose you'd be interested in participating in something bucking amazing?"

They looked at each other apprehensively.  "Uh, I guess so," Ditzy said, although fairly unsure of herself.  "What is it?"

I took off into the air just above them.  "Oh, you'll find out soon enough.  Bring your best sweatbands and your A-games, and meet me at Sweet Apple Acres.  On the double!"  I would have waited for their reactions, but I was way too pumped.  Everything was going perfectly, and if I-, I mean, we pulled this off, it would be insane.

I guess the "tools" weren't as hard to find as I thought they'd be.
> Ch. 6 - Badder Than Bad
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Let me ask you something, ladies: Why do you think I called you out here today?"

Fluttershy and Ditzy exchanged glances, no doubt enthralled by my thought-provoking inquiry.  So enthralled, in fact, that it was apparent I'd need to answer the question for them.

"In one week, our mutual friend Rainbow Dash will be returning from her intense training regimen at the academy.  When we see her, she will be stronger, faster, and at least five percent sexier than ever before.  After all, that's the Wonderbolts Academy guarantee."  It looked like I had caught their interest; well, Ditzy's interest, anyway.  Fluttershy seemed a little nervous, but it was most likely just extreme adrenaline or something.  "Answer this for me, Cross-Eyes; what is Rainbow Dash going to see when she comes back?"

"Well," Ditzy said, sticking her tongue out as though this actually required excessive thought, "she'll probably come say 'hi' to all her friends.  And then, we'll go to that really nice diner down the street from my place and-"

"When Dash shows up, she'll see the same terrible fliers she always sees when she's here."  I pounded my hooves together with maximum ferocity as I faced the surprised pair.  "After all the training she goes through to better herself, wouldn't it be totally uncool to come back and see that nothing has changed?  Doesn't that just seem the tiniest bit unfair to you?"

This time, Fluttershy gathered up the nerve to respond.  "I-I don't think Rainbow Dash minds that we aren't as fast as her.  She understands that we have other things that we're good at."

"She just wants you to think that because she's a nice pony!"  I prodded Fluttershy's chest with a hoof.  "In reality, Rainbow Dash is held back from her true potential because she has to stay behind with your sorry flanks!  Her dream of being the captain of the Wonderbolts is in jeopardy because she doesn't have any cool friends to train with."  Although I didn't outright say it, I was excluding myself from that statement.  That goes without saying, of course.

My speech seemed to have the intended impact, because the two chumps were completely speechless.  They shuffled their hooves around anxiously, trying not to make eye contact.  Any real athlete knows that these are typical signs of weakness, and indicate a depressing lack of mare-grit.

"Now, let's consider a hypothetical situation for a moment."  The hard part was over; it was time for the motivational segment of my presentation.  "What would happen if, when Rainbow Dash returned to the humble little town of Ponyville, she was not greeted by the frumpy pegasi she always has to put up with?  What if she came face to face with two amazingly awesome fliers, practically unrecognizable from the pathetic shell of their former selves?  What would she say, Fluttershy?"

"Um... I... don't really know?"

"Of course you don't know, because it seems like it could never happen in a million years.  But what if I told you that I could make that seemingly impossible pipe dream a reality not just in a million years, but only one week?"  Giving a reassuring grin, I stared them in the eyes.  Both of them, at the same time.  "That's why I called you here, to Applejack's farm.  For this whole week, you two are going to be my bitches, and when Friday roles around, Rainbow Dash will be the one left in the dust."

To my surprise, they didn't seem nearly as excited about the idea as I thought they would be.  Either they still didn't get it, or the thought of hardcore muscle-busting workout regimens somehow didn't get them going.  I wouldn't understand, of course; I was feeling the heat just thinking about it!

"I know, I know; how could two aerodynamically challenged ponies become Wonderbolts quality in just a few days?  This is something I've given an entire five minutes of thought to as well.  But let me tell you something, girls."  I stared triumphantly towards the grey, sort-of-but-not-really stormy sky... I dunno, I've seen ponies do it in movies and it looks a lot more inspiring than it actually is.  "The late and great Camellia Airheart once said, 'The most effective way to do it, is to do it'.  That's why you just gotta do it, and everything will work itself out like always.  Okay, any questions before we start?"

After a brief moment of awe-inspired silence, Ditzy raised a hoof.

"Who's Camellia Airheart?"

Dumbstruck is the best way to express how I felt after that inquiry.  "You're kidding, right?  Camellia Airheart, the original female Wonderbolt?  Inspirational figure for fliers everywhere?  Proponent for strong, independent mares who don't need no stallion?  Probably the only pony in history to be named after a flower and still be cool?  Fluttershy, back me up here!"

Fluttershy's silence and nervous gaze was all the backup I needed.

"Unbelievable... whatever, let's just get started."  I directed their attention towards the innumerable apple trees populating the farm.  "While you two were dawdling around and taking forever getting here, I set up hoops all around this farm.  For our first warmup, I want you to fly through those hoops without touching them.  Pretend they're on fire."  A muffled squeak coming from their direction elicited a well-earned face hoof.  "They're not actually on fire, Fluttershy."

Not yet, anyway.

"Okay, there are approximately two-hundred and eight hoops in the trees.  Remember, this is a warm-up, so don't push yourselves too hard but try not to suck too much either."  My trainees lined themselves up at the tape I placed in the grass.  They were newbies, so I chose to conveniently ignore their sloppy start-up poses.  "When I blow the whistle, that's your cue to take off.  On your marks... get set..."

Like blinding arrows of light, the two pegasi took to the air at blistering speeds.  I was floored by Ditzy's surprising grace; my eyes couldn't even keep up with her, yet the hoops didn't so much as rustle as she slipped through them.  I regretted not putting up more hoops, as these were clearly no challenge for my wall-eyed compatriot.

And then there was Fluttershy.  Her unrivaled majesty in the air set my heart aflutter, and made a good case for what her cutie mark represented.  Like the butterflies so delicately emblazoned on her flank, she soared gracefully and carefully but exhibited a fierce determination that rivaled even my own.  The hoops stood no chance as Fluttershy caressed- no, made sweet, passionate love to them.  Words can't begin to describe just how turned on I was at that moment; it took every inch of my willpower not to get my game on right there in the middle of the farm.

...Okay, now for what actually happened.

Ditzy obviously missed the part where I told her not to touch the hoops; when she finally made it to the first one, it decided to hitch a ride.  My hopes plummeted soon after as she turned in the wrong direction.  I suppose putting markers up to show which way they should have gone would have been a good idea, but I figured it wouldn't be too hard to see two-hundred hoops.

At least she was doing better than Fluttershy, who hadn't even made it into the air yet.  "Fluttershy!" I yelled to the grounded pegasus.  "You aren't gonna find hoops on the ground, bucko!"

"W-Well, the thing is, um..." Fluttershy scuffed the ground, sweat dripping from her forehead despite having not done any sort of strenuous activity yet.  "...What was your name again?"

"Lightning Dust.  But call me 'Coach'."

"Right, um, Lightn- er, Coach.  The thing is... I think that maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing."

"Sure you are!"  I patted Fluttershy's absurdly tense shoulder.  "We all gotta start from somewhere.  Just because your 'somewhere' is really low doesn't mean you should just give up."

"I understand that, it's just... this all seems so sudden.  Like, um, maybe we're going too fast."

"Going fast is what this is all about, Shy."  I employed a bro-hug in an attempt to lighten the mood.  "Come on, don't give up on me now.  We've been through worse than this, right?"

"We first met an hour ago..."

"Wow, has it really been that long?  Where does the time go?  Okay, buster, get your flanks up there!"  With a reassuring rump-pat, I set my young charge back on her way.  "Don't let Ditzy hog all the glory!"  Although she still seemed unsure, Fluttershy eventually achieved liftoff.  It was an improvement, anyway, and every little bit counts.  All that was left was to wait for them to get back; I didn't suspect it would take more than ten or twenty minutes, even for them.



Around the second hour of waiting, I started to think that two hundred hoops may have been a bit much for beginners.  

In my moment of sheer boredom, my mind swam with fear and doubt.  "Sweet Celestia," I muttered to myself as I gazed into the unholy abyss of trees.  It was simply unfathomable, unbelievable, inconceivable.  Never in my mind did I consider just how bad it could have been.  I started to feel sick; the mere thought of just how incomparably shitty Ditzy and Fluttershy were at flying turned my stomach.  Yet here it was, the pure, unfiltered suck emanating from beyond, rattling me to my very core and threatening to tear the trees straight out of the ground.  Just knowing that so much awful existed in the world made me question my own talents.

"Where's Mommy?"

My heart just about imploded as the disembodied voice of a filly reached my ears.  I spun around to face the potential attacker; instead, my sight was met with a tiny grey unicorn.  "Cripes, kid!"  I felt my heart rate gradually return to a normal pace.  "It's rude to sneak up on ponies when they're having an existential crisis, you know!"

"Sorry."  I could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't actually sorry.  She adjusted the cardboard helmet covering her blonde locks.  "Where's Mommy?"

"Somewhere else.  There are no unicorns here."  I turned back towards the obstacle course.  "See ya."

The kid didn't respond.  I heard some hoofsteps, so I figured she must have left... until I felt a sharp pain on my flank, followed by another.  And another.  I spun around again just in time to see the little shit going for another swing with her cardboard sword.  "What the heck is your problem, kid?!"  She stood her ground surprisingly well for a filly, but if she was looking for a fight, that was a wish I could certainly grant.  "There are plenty of other trees on this farm.  You don't wanna bark up this one."

"You're a liar liar hooves on fire!"

"Care to back up that claim, punk?"

The filly dropped her makeshift weapon and took up what I guess was supposed to be an imposing stance.  "Mommy said she could leave work early today, and Truffle Shuffle said he saw her fly over here!  The evidence is against you, Poopyhead!"

"He saw her fly over here?"  I took a closer look at the kid; in an instant, it all became clear.  I truly, honestly tried not to laugh but the sheer thought of it was just too much.  "Are you serious?  Ha ha, oh wow.  W-What's your name, kiddo?"

"I'm Little Muffin, Warrior Princess of Equestria!"  Tears streamed from my eyes at that point; I silently prayed to every celestial being that that was her actual name.  "It's my, um... salem... no, slalom, uh..."

"Snrk... d-do you maybe mean solemn?"

"It's my solemn duty to punish liars and poopyheads like you!  Now tell me where Mommy is, villain, or I'll have to banish you to Bad Guy Prison!"

Brandishing her sword once more, 'Little Muffin' prepared another assault.  Unfortunately, in my state of barely-contained hysterics, I wouldn't have been able to properly defend myself from her fierce cardboard onslaught.  It seemed I wouldn't have to when the rustling of leaves betrayed the presence of even more intruders.  The Warrior Princess dropped her sword to the ground and took off running towards the sound.  "Mommy!"

"Hi there, Muffin!"  Sure enough, my absurdly late trainees popped out from behind some trees.  Ditzy, wearing what appeared to be a gown of metal hoops, scooped up the filly.  "I'm sorry, I meant to get home earlier but some things came up."  As she nuzzled her supposed daughter, the filly gave me a nasty glare.

"So... this is your kid, Ditzy?"

Ditzy turned her attention towards me.  "Yep!  This is Dinky, my little love bug!"  It was just hitting me that this mare was actually a mother.  I actively tried to keep myself from thinking of how that happened, although it did explain the wide hips.  Sheesh, as if her chances with Rarity weren't bad enough...

"Uh... right."  I decided not to bring up Dinky's vicious attack, instead focusing on more pressing matters.  "Okay, what took you guys so long?  I've been waiting here for, like, two bucking hours!"

"Oh, right, sorry about that.  It's a pretty funny story!"  Both Ditzy and Fluttershy were grinning; it pained me to see them not taking the training seriously.  "We ran into Applejack in the orchard, and she said that hoops kept falling out of the trees.  So we agreed to help her collect them!"

"We're sorry about the training, Coach."  Fluttershy dropped a few hoops onto the grass.  "It's just so stormy, and I don't think it's safe to be flying so fast on a day like this."

"It is not stormy!  There are, like, two grey clouds!"

"Mommy, I'm hungry!"  Dinky hopped impatiently.

"Well then, let's go home and have some dinner."  Placing the filly on her back, Ditzy showed more enthusiasm about going home than she did about training.  "I'll make some spaghetti and wheatballs!"

"Yay!  Can I help, Mommy?"

"Of course you can, Muffin!"  The pair suddenly took off into the sky, without a care for their responsibilities or anything.

"Hold it!"  I tried calling out to the delinquent flier.  "We've still got some training to do!  Don't you turn your back on me!"

"Um, actually... I should probably go home and check on the animals."  I turned to see Trainee Number Two make her way past me, the little sneak.

I decided that trying to fight it was pointless.  "Ugh, fine.  Same time, same place tomorrow.  Be there."  Fluttershy didn't respond; at least, I think she didn't.  She may have squeaked or something before taking off.  Sure, Fluttershy, be a decent flier when you're running away.

"Well look who decided to drag her flank back on over to Ponyville!"  The drawl that was addressing me couldn't belong to anypony but Applejack.  She approached me with a grin on her face.  "I've got a pile o' hoops in the west field with your name on it, partner.  Don't recall tellin' ya you could fill the Acres with the darn things, or that you could use our cider barrel hoops for your wacky flyin' games."

"Consider it payment for giving that letter to your insane cousin."  I helped Applejack scoop up the metal hoops that Ditzy was kind enough to dump on the ground.

"Oh yeah, you did do that, didn't ya?  So, uh... how is she?  You know, if you even really talked or anything."

"She's fine, in the loosest sense of the word."

"Is she now?  That's good."  Applejack didn't sound too convinced that it was, indeed, 'good'.  Then again, I'm sure she would know as well as anypony what an odd duck Fritter is.  "You two hit it off then?  It'll be good for her, havin' a friend who's got her life together.  Maybe she could learn somethin'."

"Don't want to shatter your dreams, but I don't really have the luxury to hang out with her too much.  I promised to have a drink with her, and that's it."

"A... a drink?"  I was taken by surprise a bit when Applejack went from sort of happy to stern in the span of half a second.  "Maybe ya'll could do somethin' a little less... alcoholic?  Maybe show her that you can have a good time without all the debauchery?

"I guess.  But honestly, if I'm gonna get her to convince Blueblood to pull some strings so we can fly in the Wonderbolts preshow this weekend, I've gotta play the game her way.  Know what I'm saying?"

"Pull some strings with... oh.  Oh horsefeathers, I don't wanna hear it."  The realization made poor Applejack's face burn bright red; however, once the embarrassment wore off, she cocked an eyebrow and gave me a puzzled look.  "Hold on... what's this about a preshow?"

"I'm sure Ditzy mentioned that I was training them to be better fliers."  I spotted the pile of barrel hoops in the distance and made my way towards it.  "We're gonna fly in the preshow this weekend to show Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts how awesome I am at both flying and teaching other ponies how to fly."

"She didn't mention any competitions or shows or anything."

"Well, I didn't mention it to her either.  Not yet, anyway; I didn't want to break their nerve on the first day."

"Lightning Dust, Ditzy and Fluttershy ain't like Rainbow Dash."  I suddenly found Applejack standing in my way, looking me straight in the eyes.  "I thought this was just some flying game to help them get some confidence, but I really don't think this is a good idea."

"Like buck it's not a good idea."  I gathered some of the hoops from the pile and prepared to make my way back to the shed I 'borrowed' them from.  However, not once did I break my gaze from Applejack's.  "I have to do this, Applejack.  If I can show everypony how skilled I am in all things flying, and surpass the limits set for both myself and Rainbow Dash, I'll be back in the Wonderbolts for sure!"

"So what do you need Ditzy and Fluttershy for?  Can't you find somepony who actually likes flying?"

"No way, it's gotta be them.  They're so comically terrible at flying that making them good at it would pretty much get me set for life."

I tried to continue on my way, but Applejack was suddenly in front of me again, looking significantly more disgruntled.  "This ain't exactly what I had in mind when ya told me ya wanted to be like Dash.  Ditzy has a job, ya know, and one look at Fluttershy should tell ya she ain't gonna enjoy this one bit."

"Sorry Applejack, but sometimes you have to do things you don't like to get what you want."

"Maybe it's what you want, but I can guarantee it ain't what they want, and it ain't what Dash wants neither."

"Whatever you say."  I wasn't in the mood to argue; try as she might, Applejack could never dissuade me from my goal.  Unless, you know, she could somehow grant me superpowers or something, but that was unlikely.

Sighing in defeat, Applejack headed in the opposite direction.  "Just so ya know, these hoops need to be back in the shed before the rain comes in.  I'm gonna finish bucking the apples, so hop to it."

"Forget her," I mumbled.  I didn't really expect her to understand issues of pegasus pride.  Turning my attention towards more pressing matters, it occurred to me that I had no idea if Prince Blueblood could even get his hooves in Wonderbolts affairs.  Then again, seeing as how the show was being held in Canterlot, it certainly couldn't hurt to ask Fritter about it.  Hopefully.

I hoisted more hoops around myself, feeling the crushing weight of cold metal holding me down.  "Boy, how do I get hooped into this stuff.  Heh."

"It's roped into this stuff, partner!"

"Shut up, Applejack!  Buckin' hillbillies, I swear to Celestia..."
> Ch. 7 - Give and Take
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"...And thus ends the heartwarming tale of Lightning Dust's quest for self-enlightenment." I took a sip of Pony Joe's Joetastic coffee which, to my dismay, had cooled during my riveting story. "Well, up to this point, anyhow."

"Huh." Joe's reaction didn't involve the tears of joy I was expecting. "I was a little worried when you didn't come in for a couple days, but I guess you've been keepin' yourself busy. Gotta ask, though... what exactly does a Wonderbolts show or Miss Rarity's butt have to do with breakin' down walls? If ya don't mind me asking, of course."

"Uh, they have everything to do with breaking down walls." I gestured to the wobbly mare sitting on the bench to my left. "See, this goofball is going to get me in the preshow, where all of Equestria will witness my unmatched coaching ability. Isn't that right, Fritter?"

My friendly shoulder punch nearly sent Apple Fritter on the floor, possibly due to her intoxication or my rippling muscles. "Well shucks, Dusty, I was kinda expectin' somethin' else when ya promised to have a drink with me," she said, gazing rather disappointingly at her mug of delicious liquid fire. "I don't mind settin' up yer game for ya, but I may just have to add it to your tab."

"Whoa now, just because it isn't alcohol doesn't mean it isn't a drink." How anypony could be disappointed with Joe's coffee was well beyond my cognitive reasoning. It could even be considered a mental illness. "Coffee's good for you. It wakes you up and won't obliterate your liver." Just talking about coffee made me thirsty, so I downed the rest of my cup with gusto. "Besides, I told Applejack I wouldn't get drunk with you, and I always keep my promises."

"Aw, geez. Here we go." I couldn't tell if Fritter's exaggerated eye roll was from genuine exasperation or just her being wacky. "Applejerk just doesn't know how to have fun. Always goin' on about 'takin' care of yourself' and 'not sleepin' around' and such..."

"She has a point, though."

"Doesn't mean she's gotta treat me like a filly 'bout it. She's always been like that, even when we were foals." Suddenly, I felt a loose hoof making circles on my lower back, dangerously close to forbidden territory. "You know, I served Celestia her breakfast once and she said I was fine the way I am."

"I think it's a well known fact that Princess Celestia is one of the nicest ponies on the planet."

"Okay, but you're pretty nice to me, too. Treatin' me like a real mare and everythin'..." The weirdo started leaning closer, which I prayed was due to a lack of balance. "Just wish you'd let me do the same."

"Uh, right." Back rubs are fine and dandy, but this was just starting to get creepy. "A-Anyway, that's where things stand, Joe. I've got a week to prepare those guys for the flight of their lives, and once that's over, Spitfire is going to realize what a horrible mistake she made, lose some sleep over it, and then come begging me for forgiveness."

Joe stared blankly for a moment before responding. "Dusty, I... I dunno, I think maybe you're goin' about this the wrong way. Again."

"Hold on, are you saying this isn't the greatest plan in the history of equine kind? I'm fairly certain well-educated scholars would disagree with that claim."

"What I'm sayin' is, you went out lookin' for what you were missin' to be 'perfect'. Thinkin' about it, you may be on the right track, but it could be... I dunno, worded a little better, I guess."

"Worded a little better?" I cocked an eyebrow in confusion, while attempting to dislodge the touchy-feely mare attached to me. "You aren't making any sense, Joe. I worded it perfectly. I said that I'm pretty much already perfect, and I just need to show that I'm capable of spreading my radicalness to other ponies. I'm not sure how I could make it any more clear than that, guy."

"I don't think that's necessarily the problem though." Joe gently removed Fritter from my side as he continued his no-doubt inane explanation. "You want to help other ponies get better. That's good, and awful generous of you. But your story makes it sound like you dragged a couple of ponies into your plan to suit your own needs. See, that ain't good."

I sighed; sometimes, I wondered if the world was trying to confuse me on purpose to give everypony else some kind of advantage or something. "It is good for them because it will make them better."

"Do they want to get better?"

"Of course. They just don't know it yet."

"Relationships are give and take, Lightning," Joe stated, taking my empty mug away for cleaning. "You gotta be willing to give your friends what they want sometimes if you're gonna expect them to give you what you want. You dragged this broad here for a drink so she'd set up a show for you, but while I certainly appreciate the patronage, it ain't what she was hopin' for, and I get the feelin' you knew that. You gettin' me?"

Fritter slapped my back playfully, nearly flooring herself in the process. "See Dusty, this guy gets it!"

"Yeah yeah, I'm the bad pony here."

"I ain't sayin' you're a bad pony, Dusty." Joe shot me a reassuring grin which, while appreciated, didn't have the intended effect. "You just gotta remember that not all ponies are like you, and ya need to respect their limitations. Give other ponies respect, and they in turn will give respect to you. It's why everypony loves Princess Celestia so much! It's all part of that 'responsibility' discussion we had the other day."

Respect their limitations? If growing up in Cloudsdale taught me anything, it was that limitations were not something to be respected; they were to be surpassed. I suppose ponies like Joe were content with being mediocre, but that just wasn't for me. Ditzy and Fluttershy wanted to be better, I knew they did; they just hadn't realized it at the time.

I honestly had no idea where 'respect' factored in, either. Nopony ever showed me respect while I was growing up, but I turned out fine.

"Aw, don't make that face, kiddo. I'm just tryin' to help." I handed Joe the bits for our drinks, but damn if I didn't feel like skipping the tip. "Heck, maybe I'm completely off the mark? You're a grown mare, do what you think is right."

"Ugh... yeah, alright. Thanks, Joe." I excused myself from my present company, as I had other places to be. "Apple Fritter, I'm taking off. Sorry you didn't like the drink."

To my surprise, Fritter almost looked sad. Like, genuinely sad. "W-Wait, I didn't say I didn't like it! I'm glad I got to see you again, really! You... you ain't mad, are you?"

"Of course not! Geez, you guys act like I'm some super villain bent on ruining lives or something. I know I've got superequine abilities, but come on now!"

"Um, right. Sorry..." I felt a little bad, but the accusations were starting to grate on my nerves. "So... we can hang out again, right?"

I was about halfway out the door, and barely gave a glance back. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

"I was jokin' about the tab! Honest!"



"Cripes, get it together, Lightning." As I made my landing in Ponyville, I tried desperately to fortify myself mentally. I couldn't understand it; I never let other ponies get to me, at least not since I was a filly. Yet there I was, actually kind of feeling like I did something wrong. I didn't particularly care about Apple Fritter, but I wasn't trying to offend her with my outburst or anything. I figured her constant veil of inebriation would filter my natural snarkiness. Unless... maybe I was just being rude?

Then there was Joe. I wasn't expecting a shower of praise for all of my hard work or anything, but having one of the few ponies you can actually call a friend undermine your efforts like that...

"Ugh, screw this." I found myself in front of Carousal Boutique, and needed to get my sexiest face prepared for Rarity. "Joe doesn't know what he's talking about. I know I'm right. I have to be right. I'm freaking Lighting Dust, for crying out loud!" I still had time to spare before practice, but it was time better spent on something other than moping around. Like discussing potential flying suit ideas or prime wedding locations. With renewed vigor, I rapped that door harder than I probably should have in the wee hours.

Luckily for me, Rarity didn't take long to open the door which meant I didn't wake her up from a beauty nap or anything. Not that she needed one, of course. She chuckled a bit when she saw me. "Goodness, Lightning, you're free to come in without knocking. This is technically a store, darling."

"I know," I responded, despite having completely forgotten it wasn't just a house. "I guess I just wanted to be polite, you know? Since I'm such a well-mannered pony and everything." It was my first time actually being in the boutique, but it was about as meticulously clean and fabric-condensed as I imagined. "Nice place."

"A lady always makes sure to clean up for guests." She levitated a pot of what I assumed was tea over to an occupied table. "I assume you're here to discuss those suits you mentioned, but you are more than welcome to stay for tea with Fluttershy and myself."

"Don't mind if I do!" Without a second thought, I dashed to the first seat I could find. Sure enough, sitting across from me was none other than the wallflower herself. I gave Fluttershy a friendly smirk. "Try not to drink too much, champ. No pee breaks once the training starts."

Fluttershy chuckled weakly, but otherwise seemed to be trying to avoid eye contact. Looked like we still had a long way to go. The tea pot floated gently to the center of the table, followed by what appeared to be blueprints for clothing of some sort. I couldn't make heads or tails of it, but dresses have never really been my thing.

Rarity seated herself next to me, giving me ample view of both the sheet of paper and her shapely posterior. "I've never really tried making a flight suit before, so it should be quite a learning experience." In spite of her supposed lack of experience, she immediately started drawing various patterns and shapes with impressive precision. After some quick sketches, she pushed the blueprints closer to me. "I felt that these colors would match your coat and mane quite nicely, but I'd love to hear your input as well."

"Looks good to me. Yellow seems to be a common theme with the team, so maybe some more pastel colors would work. Like, pink or light blue or something." Picturing it in my mind, a light blue and yellow suit would basically be me. A whole team of Lightning Dusts couldn't possibly be a bad thing.

Once again, the pen scribbled lines every which way. "Yes, that does sound about right. You seem to have a fairly good sense of color, Lightning."

"I've got a relative in the fashion industry, so I heard more about that stuff than I ever really wanted to." I honestly didn't think 'light color goes with light color' was considered advanced fashion knowledge, but the average citizen of Ponyville may think differently.

"Well, one can never really know too much about good fashion sense. Rainbow Dash will wear just about anything so long as it looks 'cool'." I could definitely see Dash sacrificing practicality for coolness, but sometimes those are just the sacrifices we have to make. "She's lucky that her mane matches almost every color I can put on her... alright, I believe this suit is coming along quite nicely!"

I took another look at the blueprint; it didn't look like a travesty, so I just assumed it was Bridleway quality. "Hey, not bad." I showed the sketch to Fluttershy, since she should have probably gotten some input on the suit she'd be wearing for a while. "How's it look, Shy? Could you see yourself being mobbed by adoring fans in something like this?"

Fluttershy didn't look impressed; in fact, she kind of looked like she needed to vomit. I thought that maybe she just didn't have any fashion sense, but that turned out to not be the case. "It's, um... well, it's very nice, but I..."

"You what?"

"Well... listen, Lightning, I think you're, um, a really nice pony, but..."

"But...?"

Fluttershy gulped so hard I thought she was swallowing a freaking watermelon; that didn't go so well for me a few years back, so I prepared for the worst. Instead of upchucked melons, I got a rapid fire response. "I don't believe that I am cut out for your team and I'm really really sorry but I think I should be left out of it and I wish you the very best of luck please don't be upset."

"Hold on." I almost would have preferred the alternative scenario to... to this. "You're quitting? After one day?"

"Now darling," Rarity butted in, without the 'butt' I would have preferred. "There are plenty of other pegasi in town who would love to join your team. I'm sure if you asked they would be more than happy to-"

"It has to be Fluttershy, though! Don't you want to impress Rainbow Dash when she gets back?"

Fluttershy murmured some wishy-washy excuse, which I certainly wasn't in the mood for. "Look, I know it's a lot of work, but we're friends, right? Don't you want to help your friends?"

Rarity sighed. "Lightning Dust, there's more to being friends than making them do things they don't want to do."

"Okay, but..." I was at a loss; not even Rarity was on my side. Worse yet, I could easily see this conversation spinning around into that feelgood respect crap Joe was spewing earlier. I wasn't about to admit defeat. Not yet. "Fluttershy, what's it going to take to get you to help me out?"

Fluttershy' expression changed to what I think may have been sympathy. Cripes, I hate being sympathized. "Um, well... I certainly don't mind helping you. I just don't think I can do what you want me to."

"Sure you can! I-" I couldn't believe what I was about to say, but I was actually starting to get desperate. "I believe in you."

"You... you do?"

"Yep." In the pit of my stomach, the urge to kill myself was rising. "You've, uh, got tons of potential and you weren't... you know, you weren't too bad yesterday." The taste of bile was slowly invading my mouth; I was getting dangerously close to throwing up. "And we can take it... ugh, slow, if it would make you feel more comfortable."

Fluttershy looked uncertain, but I think my bullshit was starting to sink in. "I'm not going to force you to stay on the team since, uh, that wouldn't be very respectful and stuff. But if you change your mind, both me and Ditzy who definitely isn't going to bale on me would love to see you there."

I could see the cogs of Fluttershy's mind grinding away, and it became clear to me on how to deal with ponies like her. She was nice, and nice ponies respond to niceness. While milquetoast sentiments normally make me sick,  it could be my one ticket to convincing her to help me out. I am such a smooth talker.

"Well, I'm going to go now. I hope to see you later, Fluttershy, but if you don't want to come I won't hold it against you." I didn't stop to see how she responded; I simply excused myself and made for the door. "Thanks for the tea, Rarity. I'll see you about the suits later."

"Er, anytime, Lightning." Rarity's voice seemed a bit off, most likely a side effect of my silver tongue. Yep, she'd be getting quite acquainted with it before long... okay, that was a little creepy. Speaking of creepy...



"Hey, Ditzy, I know you're over there."

I wasn't even the slightest bit surprised to see that grey weirdo skulk out from behind a nearby bush. "I hope your kid doesn't know about your hobbies. She might throw you in 'bad guy prison'."

"Heh, yeah..." Ditzy scuffed the dirt a bit. She wasn't carrying her mailbag, so at least she was doing her stalking off duty. "I, um, I've got something to tell you, Dusty."

"You're quitting the team, right?"

"Sorry." The little sneak rubbed the back of her mane nervously. "I know it meant a lot to you, but I'm just not cut out for it."

"No worries."

"Wait... really?"

"Yeah." I tried giving a sincere smile, but the bullshit marathon at the boutique left me a bit drained. But hey, the nice guy approach seemed to work with Fluttershy, so it was worth a shot. "I know you have a job and everything, and even though I'd love to have you and your limitless talent helping out, I certainly can't force you. That just wouldn't be very friend-like."

"Oh." Ditzy stared at me for a moment, my kind words seeping into her simple mind. Suddenly, a doofy grin spread across her face. "Well, okay then. See ya around!"

Just like that, she went back to spying on Rarity's house. "So... you're still in then?"

"Nah, but I really appreciate how understanding you are. You're a good friend, Dusty!"

Shit. This wasn't good. I couldn't tell if Ditzy was smart enough to see through my trap, or if she was too thick for it to register in her brain. Either way, being nice didn't work, and that wasn't gonna work with me. "Well, I mean, I'd still really like to see you later."

"Sure! I can show you this really neat diner down the road from my place. It serves the best salads in town... at least, that's what their ads say!"

"That's not-" No. I couldn't blow it. I had to keep my cool and win her over. How would Rainbow Dash have convinced her friends to do something that would be beneficial to them in the long run? Did her magic "Element of Harmony" powers make her friends just do stuff for her?

"Have I ever told you how much I respect you, Ditzy?"

"Aw, thanks, Dusty! I respect you too!"

Buck me sideways, this was getting me nowhere! I tried to think; maybe I could just leave her out and have a two-mare team? No... history has proven that teams consisting of more ponies tend to have less inner conflicts. This was a scientifically proven fact, based on one scenario from my own experience! It had to be true!

I could find another pony, but training a pony who isn't garbage wouldn't prove anything! I didn't really have time to run around looking for the next worst flier in town, either. Ditzy was the one, but I needed to find a way to make her budge.

"You gotta be willing to give your friends what they want sometimes if you're gonna expect them to give you what you want.

I really, really didn't want to submit to Joe's philosophy on relationships; however, I may have been looking at what he said from the wrong angle. I knew Ditzy truly wanted to get better, despite what her simple mind was telling her, but maybe trying to sweeten the deal a bit couldn't hurt.

"Say, Ditzy," I said, sitting down next to the mailmare, "how much money do you make at your job, anyway?"

"Oh, um..." Her face explained her financial situation much better than her words ever could have. "I make... enough, I guess."

"Really? Well, you know, as your coach I'd be willing to offer you some sort of monetary compensation for your efforts. If you wanted to stay on the team, of course." I could figure out the issue of where I'd be getting the bits later.

"I couldn't possibly expect you to pay to watch me bumble around. Thanks, though!"

I could feel the sweat start to form on my head. If I couldn't even convince my own fliers to bucking fly, how could I ever prove myself as the ultimate Wonderbolt material? "I'll clean your house. Every day. I'm pretty good with a duster!"

No response. She was too absorbed in her reconnaissance mission.

"I'll cook dinner." I was disgusted at my behavior; I, the impeccably immaculate Lightning Dust, was humbling myself before... Ditzy. "And breakfast. I'll weed your lawn. I'll walk Dinky to school."

Still nothing.

"I'll do your job for you again. I'll show you my super secret ultimate flying stunt, banned in thirteen cities. I'll give you a hoof job." I was saving myself for marriage, but dammit I was desperate.

Ditzy gave me a contemplative glance. "Hmm... nah, that's alright."

Sure enough, she went right back to staring at Rarity's stupid house. I couldn't believe it. Not even a hoof job! From me! Joe's stupid crap was proving itself to be, well, crap. It was like nothing mattered to her except for-

...

No.

I wouldn't. I couldn't. Pretty much every self-respecting mare, authority figure, and counselor would tell me I shouldn't. I normally don't put much thought into how my words and actions affect other ponies but dammit, there were just some things even I wouldn't do. This wasn't like reading some stupid diary or destroying an orphanage; what I had in mind was grade-A, unadulterated scumbaggery the likes of which no pony should ever be subjected to. The question was... would it be worth it?

"Hey, Ditzy."

"Yeah, Dusty?"

"I promise that if you stay on the team, I'll... I'll hook you up with Rarity after the preshow."

The answer was 'yes'.

Yeah, I was definitely going to Tartarus, but that wouldn't be for a very long time. Hopefully.