Philomena and Princess Cadence ruin everything wherever they go.
With the Spirit of Chaos locked in stone by the powers of Harmony, a new order must be created. The spirits of Love and Harmony are given physical form, taking the names Cadence and Philomena, so that they may walk among the ponies and ensure peace reigns.
I do not own any of the characters contained in the following work. “My Little Pony” and all subsequent properties belong to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.
Well, I tell a lie. Love, Harmony, Life, Death, and Time are all mine. Though Love and Harmony are Cadence and Philomena, and Cadence and Philomena aren’t... So I don’t even know. We can go halfsies.
Celestia stood at the top of the world, both metaphorically and nearly literally, shining like her sun. Half of a proud smile was visible underneath her flowing mane, forcing her to turn her head this way and that to see any of the country beneath her that she was trying to survey. It was a clever strategy on her part. Being up so high let her see everything below her, and as long as none of the grass was still purple, she could feel satisfied in giving it the “all-clear.” Heaven forbid she get close enough to see all the real problems with the world—like how there wasn’t any purple grass left anywhere. That’s the real tragedy. But at any rate, there she stood, feeling much more important than she rightfully was, as many political leaders do.
Luna was at her side, standing just a little behind to not interrupt Celestia’s view. I think she spent so much time in her sister’s shadow that she actually decided to stick some of it to her head. And while her crippling self-esteem issues prevented her from claiming to be as important as her sister, she still had a fat head about her overall significance in the grand scheme of things.
But there they were, the two most important ponies in their own little delusional world, living it up in their palace with all the amenities. Five course meals. Cushy chairs—thrones, even! 1500 thread count sheets on beds the size of train cars in private chambers the size of houses. Drinks with cucumbers floating in them and those little umbrellas. All things saved for the Very Important Ponies of the world. Or rather, things saved for the second and third most important creatures in the world.
The MVP of Equestria, that is, the Most Valuable Pet, is given an even grander treatment. A nice wooden rod to perch on. A tiny dish full of store-bought bird seed. A modestly-sized cage lined with yesterday’s newspaper that she’s free to edit to her heart’s content. And a little water bottle that makes her look absolutely absurd whenever she tries to crook her head to fit the tube in her mouth and tongue the opening.
Yes, fine and fitting living conditions for my big sister, the Spirit of Harmony. Though I understand she goes by “Philomena” now. As for me? Well, I’m yesterday’s news. Quite literally. It’s been a solid day since I’ve been stuck here in stone and I’m getting a cramp. My name is Discord, and I will be your narrator. Even as a statue, I’m still important. After all, none of this would have been possible if it wasn’t for me!
Harmony was being kept in Celestia’s own room, caged and left alone in the dark. An unfair treatment for any phoenix, regardless of whether or not they were a virtual goddess, but she would never bring herself to object to almost anything. Sad little thing. I’d laugh if I could move my mouth.
Deep within the spirit’s mind, a myriad of forces were combining. With no physical bodies of their own, the only way for them to enter the mortal world was by cramming inside Harmony’s brain. It was only thanks to the limitless reaches of a mind’s imagination that her head didn’t explode from housing such titanic egos.
“I told you I could do it!” Harmony chirped, puffing her chest out for none of the world to see. “I stopped Discord and brought balance back to the world!”
“Well done,” the Spirit of Death said, sounding completely underwhelmed, “it only took you, what, five centuries?”
“Do you think you could have done it faster?”
“I would have finished the job in an afternoon if you had just let me,” he grumbled.
Life immediately pounced on the opportunity to undercut her brother’s indignation. “Maybe if your plan didn’t involve killing us along with Chaos and the rest of the world, and maybe if the plan wasn’t completely evil!”
Death gave a moan like a man who had to explain why he used lethal force to defend himself against an orphan child for the dozenth time. “Again with the evil! It was five centuries ago, move on! Harmony can spread peace and togetherness and that’s fine, but if I want to do my job I’m the bad guy?”
“I fathom the true issue was more of the underhanded way you embarked upon your goals that cause Sister Life to see your nature as something more dubious,” Time interceded.
“And killing everyone!”
“Double standards! Ugh, I think I’m starting to see how Discord felt,” Death said, displaying his infinite consideration and empathy for those who truly deserve it.
“Do we get to put you in stone too?” Life said, displaying her cruelty and tasteless sense of humor.
“Eh henh henh henh henh. You’re a laugh riot.”
Back in her cage, Philomena opened her eyes again just to roll them. Being ignored by the rest of the family wasn’t something alien to her, but after centuries of care from Celestia and Luna and being pampered like a princess herself, being pushed back into the corner did not sit well with her. Especially since she was being ignored in her own mind of all places, at an assembly that she called for as a follow-up to her own accomplishment of tricking and trapping one of her own in stone for who-knows-how-long.
I don’t know why, but I’m having a terrible time feeling bad for her.
When she returned to her thoughts, she found the two still at one another’s metaphorical throats. Harmony, being her non-confrontational self, cleared her throat lightly to catch the attention of the quarreling spirits. Then again, slightly louder. And once more, even louder. After an hour of her sibling’s continued ignorance, the bird had reached the point where she was screeching and squawking at the top of her lungs, violently thrashing her head until she crashed into the bars of her cage.
“Did you wish to speak, Sister Harmony?” Time asked. Harmony didn’t appreciate the tone of surprise in his voice. The phoenix smothered the growl in her throat with an avalanche of sweetness and let the sugar pour out of her voice.
“Five hundred years together really hasn’t done much to bring you two closer, has it?”
“She’s so unfair to me,” the Spirit of Death griped. Life cast him a sharp glare that did nothing to intimidate her thuggish brother, but succeeded in keeping him silent for the time being.
“Moving on with business, Sister Harmony,” Life growled more at Death than Harmony, “now that your job is done it is time for you to return to us.”
“Actually, Sister.” Harmony gave the over-optimistic grin guaranteed to upset someone. “I was hoping that as a reward for me saving the world and everything... I could be allowed to... stay here?” The air in her head became significantly colder. It was time for her to put on the old razzle dazzle and charm her way to success. “I’ve gotten very, very close with Celestia and Luna and I just know that I could help stop Discord from ever breaking out if I was there! Please please please please please?” Flawless technique.
Life uttered the aggravated sigh that birthed all aggravated sighs. It rumbled back through the annals of time, to the moment when one dinosaur looked upon the meteor plummeting towards him and threw his vestigial arms in the air to curse his heathen, degenerate gods. It passed to a hairless ape who attempted to celebrate his new supremacy over the world, only to soon freeze to death in an ice age. It was then taken by an ancient pony who, upon looking down at her hoof, discovered she had stepped in some disgusting hairless ape. The wonder of this sigh was passed through oral tradition, from mother to children for eons and eons. The tradition of the harsh exhale was upheld whenever a daughter was denied permission to brand her flank by her mother, whenever a bird had a shit-and-run accident with somepony’s cart, whenever an editor had to read through another story about a Mary-Sue making friends with everyone she meets and then making out with everyone. The sigh echoed on, happy to fulfil its respectable duty. Until one day, it had returned to the day it was first created, and was sent back to prehistoric times to relive its entire history. The sigh looked around at its surroundings, and swore as loud as it could.
“What we have been trying to do for the past five hundred years is prevent a single spirit from taking over the world! It doesn’t do us any good to just exchange Chaos for Harmony.”
That was always the problem with Life: for someone meant to house the infinite possibility of all existence, she was so strict about keeping things in order. It takes some serious nerve to try to force order on the Spirit of Harmony, but there you go. Death, always with a beady eye set to takedowns, saw this as another wonderful jabbing opportunity.
“So by that logic, Death is as desirable as Life?” Death asked with all the innocence of a fat old crocodile. “Since one isn’t any better than the other.”
“Would you just drop this!?” Life screeched.
“Brother Death has formulated a valid point...”
“No one’s talking to you, Time!”
“And if they would be using that tone,” Time sniffed, “I’m glad of it.”
Harmony’s head felt like a cement mixer full of broken glass. Her family’s petty gripes and constant arguments were sapping her strength, leaving her exhausted and mentally knotted. She was even beginning to fantasize if she could get away with killing the rest of them and living in peace forever.
Ah, family reunions. May they never change.
“Are you sure that there aren’t any other reasons you want me back with you?” Harmony squawked. “Or is Life the only one who minds where I am?”
“I wouldn’t mind having you back.” Death’s admission stunned Harmony’s whole head into another moment of sweet silence. Of course it couldn’t last. Death immediately got to work clearing out the air of misconceptions. “I’m running out of ways to call Life’s reason for existing fleeting and ultimately meaningless. I need something or someone else to work with.”
Harmony considered him with a thoughtless nod. “Tempting. What if instead of me coming back there, one of you comes here? We can have more of a balance that way since it would be better than having one of us in control, right?”
“Yes!” Death cheered.
“No!” Life yelled.
Death grandly rose above the others, all the way to the top of Harmony’s tiny pea brain. “I nominate myself for this solemn duty of bringing balance to the yadda yadda gimme my basilisk get-up.”
“Absolutely not!” Life snapped. “Time, you can go.”
“Absolutely not!” he mimicked. “Those dolorous hours spent in that mortal plane were the most irregular of my entire!”
“All good things must end~ Puppies die, teeth decay, and lollipops get licked away~!”
“Death, would you stop with that accursed song?”
“Can we not simply trust Harmony to keep control of herself?” Time clicked.
“No,” Life said, “there has to be another one of us there to keep a type of balance.”
“And since when are you in charge?” Death sneered.
“Time? When did I become in charge?”
“Fifteen thousand, four-hundred and sixty-one years as of fifteen seconds ago.”
Death blinked a few times and reset his jaw. “Wait, that’s what the staring contest was about? No one told me!”
“We didn’t want you to know.”
“And you wonder why I’m so evil.”
As the storm of arguments began rolling in once more, Harmony revisited the joy that was plotting to murder her siblings. Harmony decided she’d pin Death to the top of a nursery somewhere. That’d be enough of a source of life to suffocate him, right? The babies probably wouldn’t like looking at him, but no one did. They would have to soldier on for the greater good of ending her chronic headaches. Speaking of soldiers, Life could get buried in some mass army grave. There was enough war and death still lingering around Bison Gulch to put her down for good. Time could get sealed in a broken clock tower somewhere, she didn’t care as much what happened to him. But the others were heading for a mass baby army grave. Or something. There was no thinking straight with her whole family around her head. Good riddance to Nature. Chaos was a tragic loss. Life, Death, Time were unbearable together. And she had to choose from one of them to take back to Equestria with her.
In the back of her mind, a soft, melodious hum sounded. Philomena opened her beak in a silent cheer when she realized the source. The song grew louder and a melody became recognizable. One by one, the other spirits ended their bickering as a dancing pink ball of joy came traipsing in, humming Manedelssohn’s “Wedding March” in C Major and radiating with positivity.
“Sorry I’m late for the get together,” the Spirit of Love trilled. “I was on my way, but I had to take a quick detour across the entire world. All of Equestria is just going wild in celebration, if you catch my drift. Let’s just say a lot of parents are sending their fillies out of the house for the day.”
“Can we all settle for him?” Harmony practically begged. The Spirits shrugged and exhaled lamely for a few seconds, which she decided to take as a yes. “It’s decided then. Equestria will be protected by Love and Harmony.”
Ask anyone in Equestria what the most stunning and beautiful city in the world is and they’ll confidently answer “Canterlot.” But everyone in Equestria is dim beyond all measure, so don’t even waste your time. The correct answer would be the Crystal Empire, a land of incomparable glitz and glamor. So much so that it was able to dazzle its way right out of Princess Sunbuns’ jurisdiction and become its own empire, despite consisting of only one city with no plans of imperial expansion. And it was ruled over by a king instead of an emperor... Did I have something to do with this? It doesn’t make any sense, sure, but now I can’t even remember.
Back on point, while half of the name is misleading, the half about the crystals is spot on. The Crystal Empire was shinier than Celestia’s freshly-polished ego and looked like the city planner had gone mad with power and glitter while designing it. Crystalline towers of all colors and hues spread out like fingers reaching for the heavens, extending out toward the sun and stars above to steal even more light to magnify their own beauty. Crystals are the greediest of all forms of rocks. And while I’m airing out dirty laundry I want to go on record saying that pyrite is actually pretty two-faced and amethysts talk about you behind your back.
But the crystallic charm of the empire didn’t extend to the architecture. Even the ponies shimmered and shone like the land around them. Now I’m definitely starting to think I had a hand in this. “Crystal ponies” they called themselves, because they’d be damned if they let themselves be grouped together with the rest of the Mud pony tribe. They were exceptionally unexceptional, not even bedazzling their entire bodies could make up for their mind-numbing homogeneity. And perhaps even the ponies knew that themselves, which explains why they chose a Unicorn to be their ruler. The hierarchy lives on!
King Sombra was a decent enough ruler. Didn’t make any waves, never did anything too radical, kept his subjects happy, never questioned why he was a king of an empire, and made sure everything was in order. The Crystal ponies liked him well enough, but the social hierarchy is still the law even in a solitary city isolated from the world in the frozen northern wasteland, and they knew that an Alicorn outranked a Unicorn any day of the week. And it was poor Sombra’s luck that my big brother simply cannot resist the alluring siren song of a shiny object.
“I think I’ll live here,” Love announced as he threw open the doors to King Sombra’s throne room. “Princess of my own empire. That should be a perfect position to keep order and whatever I’m meant to be doing.”
“Brother!” Harmony protested as she flapped in the air in front of him, “You can’t just show up and seize control over a kingdom.”
“Well why not?”
“Because that’s precisely what Brother Discord did and that’s the exact thing we’re trying to prevent!”
“I don’t know who’s in charge of security around here...” a deep, velvety voice rumbled from the front of the room, “...but he’s fired.”
Sombra rightfully considered himself a powerful magician by pony standards. And his particularly pronounced horn only served as proof of how sharp of a wit he was. He could cast spells with the best of them, summon anything living or dead of any size from any distance, and scry into the future further than even the legendary Starswirl the Bearded. So it took him only half a second of tuning his precognition to be certain that the pony strolling down his throne room was going to be incredibly unhealthy for him.
The King regarded The Intruder coldly. The mare was an alicorn of all possible things, with a peach pink coat and eyes like two, back-stabbing amethysts. A lot of the hate boiling inside of him was probably from the intrusion, the overtaking of his kingdom, yadda yadda yadda. But as I explained earlier, Alicorn trumps Unicorn trumps Earth Pony. And Sombra, for all his years of supporting the outdated hierarchy, was beginning to feel the first stirrings of personal rebellion. This alicorn, you see, was clearly a threat to national security.
“I know exactly what you’re saying brother, but can you hold on a moment?” Love said as he cantered across the room. “They let this grim, unstylish mess of a pony get into my throne room.”
Sombra mustered every dramatic bone in his body, and rose from his throne in a mighty flourish of his cape. He stomped forward, cracking the crystal floor beneath him as he went.
“I was thinking the same thing,” he growled. “About this loud-mouthed, odious quim of a mare who has breached my sanctum.”
Harmony retreated from her sibling’s back and distanced herself further from the two rulers. “Brother, I think that we might be approaching this the wrong way.”
Love nodded, face cold. “We might be.” And thus, with a stomp of his hoof, he cried: “Artless, common-kissing malt-worm!”
“Quailing, urchin-snouted strumpet!”
“Tottering, pottle-deep dewberry!”
“Gleeking, fen-sucked flax-wench!”
Sombra and Love stared hatefully at the other, locking horns and hissing venom with every breath as they wrestled to force submission on their enemy. The Crystal King’s fury only deepened when his superior size and muscle was barely phasing the mare. Alicorn or not, nothing with such a frail frame could hope to stand before him.
“Cantankerous...!” Sombra’s words died. “Wait, toned...?”
“Shut up and kiss me.” Love twisted his snout and pressed his lips against Sombra’s before forcing his tongue inside his mouth. Paralyzed by shock, Sombra could only stand like a bitter draconequus frozen in stone and let it happen. His senses returned to him after a few seconds and he hurriedly and ungentlemanly pushed Love away from him, recoiling in embarrassment.
“No need to be embarrassed, my lowlife ragamuffin,” Love cheerfully tittered, “Now that your feelings are out in the open...”
“My feelings?! Get the hell out of my throne room!”
Oh, if Love had only paused for a moment, he might have noticed the gray smoke radiating of Sombra’s body was not, in fact, a fancy effect. And the cold? Not exactly from the temperature of the room. Cue Love noticing these things in three.
“Oh wow,” Love laughed. “I was completely misreading your signals. That gutteral growl in your throat, that’s your ‘sexytimes’ voice right?”
“It is not! My voice is my voice!”
“Wow. I’m sorry to hear that. I could have sworn you were forcing it for effect...” Love’s face fell. “You sure you aren’t even a little into this sort of thing?”
“No!”
“Well!” A heart-shaped bubble bloomed from Love’s horn. Like a handspider in heat, that bubble smacked itself into Sombra’s face and jettisoned all of its lovey dovey contents into his brain. His eyes grew wide, and his pupils pounded into dazzling red hearts. “You are now!”
“You smell wonderful...” Sombra mumbled, getting creepy with Love’s mane. “Like a summer spring sunset blush....”
“I know!” Love squealed. “So really, I’m the boss here now.” He plopped his fat pink ass directly on the still-warm crystal throne. “But tell you what, you seem to be pretty attached to this place. You can be the court jester or something.”
“Anything for you, my glittering queen...”
“So first order of business! You got any snacks or something?”
“There’s a secret snack compartment in the left armrest, your beautiousness....”
“Score!”
After a junk food binge the likes of which had not been seen since I could wiggle my toes, Love opened his mouth wide and erupted with a belch like a bullfrog exploding, filling the room with a noxious gas. Harmony gave a meek cry as the gas ignited her burning feathers, combusting her on the spot and turning her into a fireball rolling across the throne room.
“It... it smells like Death’s backside!” the pile of flames whimpered as she writhed in distress.
“You hear that, Sombra? Your stench is upsetting my sister,” Love scolded. “Go roll around in the toilet until you smell better. I’m already tired of looking at you.”
“At once, my princess of philia...” Ex-King Sombra practically dragged his head along the ground as he bowed out of the room. “Hearing your voice is unto hearing the heavenly cadence of heaven itself...”
Love forced a smile and waved the unicorn away as he delayed for a few seconds at the doorway to admire his visage. Once the crystal doors sealed shut, the spirit hopped up from his throne and pulled a jagged hunk of the shimmering stone from the wall and began to will it into a new shape. Harmony rose from the ashes of being gassed to death and returned to her brother’s side. She crooked her head side to side, trying to decipher what was going on inside her brother’s mind to no success.
“What are you doing?”
“Just following pony tradition, Sister dear,” Love hummed as the crystal snapped and buckled under the crushing force of his magical field. “Your Celestia has a sun on her cheeks, and the ponies worship her sun. Lumpy Moon Princess has a moon, and they all kind of ignore her but that’s still what she’s known for. So my ponies are going to need an idol to properly worship the flank of Princess Love, so voila!”
The once-rough hunk of crystal had been completely transformed into a smoothly-cut heart as large as the phoenix admiring the gem.
“It’s very pretty, Brother. You should be proud. What does it do?”
“Not a thing. It just reminds them who’s tush is in the throne: Princess Love’s!”
“About that name... I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound very... ‘pony’ to me.”
“And what would you know about being a pony? You’re a bird! You don’t know what it was like living under Discord’s tyranny!” Love cried, burying his watering eyes into his foreleg.
“Neither do you.”
“It’s called playing a role. It’s a little more complicated than pooping on newspaper and chirping,” Love cheerfully played with his mane in the cattiest way possible. “Do try to keep up. But fine, a pony name... A pony name.... Hm...” After all two seconds of thought: “What about Princess Pink Lips?”
“You’re naming yourself after your mouth?”
“Wrong lips.”
“Bro-ther!!”
“It was just a joke! Honestly, I don’t need a pony name. I’m not going to call myself anything like Truck Bump, or Apple Pasta, or something equally horrible and plain. No, I need a Princess name. Something with punch! Something to show that I’m in charge, and I’m their Crystal Alicorn Princess wahey... So uh, maybe something like...”
Once more, my brother fell silent. A name, a princess name, a perfect name. A name is an important identity, and its rare one chooses a name for themselves. Most get defined by roulette, or by whatever pony spots them first, like namesake roulette. I got lucky, but my brother Love was even luckier. Now was his once-in-a-lifetime chance to define himself, not just as a Spirit, but as a being in charge of what’s precious and important. Little, tiny, easily conquerable and even more easily impressed ponies.
So of course, knowing the weight and value of the choice, my wise and intelligent brother gave it careful thought for the ridiculously long stretch of ten entire seconds.
“What’s-his-name said something about cadence. What about that? Princess Cadence?”
“I like it!” Harmony chirped, finally happy her brother was able to take one thing seriously today.
“Wow, really? I was just sort of saying whatever stupid name popped into my head. I really didn’t think you were going to go for it. Crap.” The alicorn dropped to the floor in a grump, moodily rolling the Crystal Heart from hoof to hoof. “I guess I could spice it up later. But for now, I guess, um...”
Princess Cadence knocked the heart around in thoughtless contemplation for a bit longer, right up until a stray thought found its way tumbling into her head and trapped alone forever.
“Oh, doy!” she slapped her forehead with a laugh. “No one else knows I’m in charge yet! I should prepare something special for my glorious presentation to my awaiting public.” Cadence tucked the Crystal Heart under a wing and trotted out of the room. Somewhere in this magnificent palace, there was a balcony that overlooked a crowd of Crystal Ponies to cheer for him. Of this, my brother was certain. All he had to do was shotgun down every corridor until he found one.
“Are you sure that they’re going to just accept that some new pony is their new leader?” Harmony asked suspiciously, following just a bit behind the dashing princess.
“Some-beer did. He was so happy he gave himself a swirlie for me.”
“Only because you hypnotized him! And who knows how long that will last.”
Somewhere, in a bathroom stall in a corner of the palace, a deep voice began to scream in terror and fury. Somewhere in the bathroom stall next to that, a servant pony pressed himself against the walls in fear, suddenly feeling that his business was complete, albeit not on his own terms.
“So all I have to do is impress them! That should be easy. Ponies aren’t that hard to impress.” Cadence skidded to a stop in one of the many crystal castle hallways. With a flick of his mane, he ignited his horn with a brilliant blue glow. “Behold a miracle! I have turned all the city’s water into wine!”
Harmony hesitated. “All of it?”
“Of course all of it! They all have to see, don’t... oh no!” Princess Cadence slapped his forehead. “I’m so stupid!”
“Oh good! you understand how unreasonable--”
“Nobody saw me cast that! They have no idea that it was their new Princess who caused the miracle! Oh Love, you are such a stupid spirit!”
Something tells me I’ll be out of stone in no time.
Rock Polish did not have an easy job. Every day, before Celestia’s sun rose, he kissed his sleeping wife on the forehead and set out through the arctic tundra surrounding the Crystal Empire with a crew of other stallions. After fighting through the bitter cold and howling winds for miles, he would finally reach his destination: the diamond mines. Rock would seize his pick axe and spend the next eleven hours striking the walls of the mine, nearly shattering his few remaining real teeth each time. The only light that was provided came from the sun stones, hung from the roof of the tunnel every fifty paces. Once in a while, he would find a diamond glittering among the black, wet stones. Fighting the stiffness in his neck, he’d lean down, pick up the rock with his sore teeth, carry it to a cart, and then return to work. When the whistle blew, it was time to go home. If it was a good day, everyone who entered the mine walked back out. And if heaven smiled on them, everyone who marched through the snow made it home.
These precious stones were instrumental to the empire, as the tough gems were perfect for cutting the crystals that bejeweled every inch of their lives. Without diamonds to cut the crystals, there could be no way to build houses. There would be no way to cull and crop the crystal trees and prevent them from spreading wild like weeds. It was a result of these unsung heroes’ efforts that the Crystal Empire could maintain its beauty.
But Rock Polish did not do it for a sense of duty to his empire. He did it so he could support his beloved wife. Coming home to her each night made it all worthwhile, and when he pressed his lips against hers, the ice that clung to his coat fell away in an instant.
It was those happy thoughts Rock Polish pressed close to his chest as he shut his front door behind him. His wife did not meet him in the doorway as usual, but it was nothing unheard of. If she wasn’t in the door, she was probably just putting the finishing touches on dinner. His stomach purred in excitement. A bowl of her soup would hit the spot right now.
“Sweetie, I’m home!” he called as he poked his head into the kitchen. His grin fell away. He couldn’t smell dinner cooking. This had never happened before. Could she be sick in bed? A low moan from the bedroom confirmed his suspicion. Quick as his tired body would let him, he rushed to be at his wife’s side.
His eyes were already used to the dark. He was instantly able to find his wife spread under the disheveled covers. But she was not alone.
Angry tears stung his eyes as he shouted in pain.
“How could you betray me like this?”
“Honey? No!” Pyrite Heart gasped and tried to cover her shame with the sheets, uncovering the perpetrator sharing the bed.
“P-princess Cadence?” Rock sputtered, his jaw nearly hitting the ground. “What are you doing with my wife?”
“I’m banging her,” Cadence explained simply, draping a hoof around her blushing partner.
“Why?”
“You weren’t doing it. Why, did you want a turn?” And when silence fell over the pair, “I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Get out of my house!” Rock Polish thundered.
“Alright, alright, geez!”
The princess of the Crystal Empire swiftly adjusted her tiara, stomped into her golden horseshoes, and left the house and the screaming couple behind.
“On to the next adventure!”
~~~
This was the usual scene in the Crystal Empire during the reign of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza L'amante Supremi Ed Il Bevitore Di Succo Di Gatto. Her sudden arrival and self-coronation had whipped the empire into such a slambang whirlwind of excitement and frayed nerves that I could practically taste it. It tasted like burnt mustard-glazed donuts.
Being the well-trained animals they are, none of the ponies were upset by the news of an alicorn seizing the throne. In their minds, they saw it as an upgrade over their old, wingless emperor. What had caused the turbulence were the flurries of decrees and demands their new leader churned out daily. Royal Decree 417 named the color pink the national bird. Royal Decree 29 called for a grand festival to be held monthly, or twice-monthly if it ever suited Her Highness’ mood. Every house was required to contain at least one pound of chocolate in the event of a surprise royal inspection. Every morning, each citizen was required to kiss a portrait of Her Sweetness and swear their loyalty. Finally, all communications with Canterlot were to be ceased, and that everything that transpired inside the Crystal Empire henceforth was to be “our little secret, m’kay?”
And the sheep actually followed along! How unfair is that? Brother Love can decorate everything in sight with hearts, but if I want to sink a city to the bottom of the sea I’m the bad guy. Being pretty must work like a get-out-of-stone-free card in this backwards country. Even Sister Harmony gave her something resembling a go-ahead. She just decided to just leave Love be, returning long ago to the safety of Celestia’s newspaper-lined cage. It could be that she accepted this horrible rule. More likely, Harmony was probably just trying to sweep her horrible mistake under the proverbial crystal rug.
The years rolled by and the Empire survived in more or less the same shape. There were no great catastrophes, no invasions by foreign armies, and no intrusions by unpleasable all-powerful family members. Nights were followed by days, and every sunrise heralded Princess Cadence’s morning ritual.
“Just talk to any of the servants, they’ll show you the way to the door,” Cadence instructed the stallion rolling out of her bed. He opened his mouth to speak, but a stiffness in his jaw forced him to silently massage his cheeks for a few seconds before he was able to talk again.
“Excuse my impertinence, Princess,” the stallion said, “But do you remember last night when you said you were going to make me your Advisor in Chief?”
Cadence shifted her shoulders and rolled to face the opposite direction. “Vaguely. Was that before or after the Tennessteer Twister?”
“I don’t recall. But you told me—”
“Oh, now I remember! It was during the Reverse Sea Pony.” Cadence smiled in accomplishment for a moment. Until she noticed the stallion still looking at her expectantly. “Though I think you misheard me, Juicy.”
“It’s Joust, actually. Your Highness.”
“Right you are. But if you remember, I said that I was going to consider you for the position. Don’t worry, I’ll call you in a few days.” She lifted her hoof and tutted at his crestfallen expression, silencing him before he could start to whine again. “Clinginess doesn’t reflect well on your evaluation, Juicy~”
“But I notice things ponies usually don’t notice!” He puffed out his chest. “I’ve got a very keen eye you see. Especially for grammar. Do you know how many spelling errors I find in the local newspapers and library books? Writers are incredibly grateful to receive every single correction I have to give!”
“I actually have an official speech writer. I think.” After a moment’s thought, “Maybe you should go sleep with him? You might be exactly his type!”
“But Princess, please!” Joust cried. “I have important, vital things you should be thinking about. Like. Like, um... You know Sombra?”
“Sadly, not,” Love said, “Guy’s got an invisible iron chastity belt on at all times. Hate those things...”
“Surprising anyone could resist you, my Princess.”
Love nodded vigorously. “I know!”
“But that wasn’t what I was talking about. My Princess,” Joust leaned in close, snout practically nuzzling Cadence’s. “Sombra may have been discreetly blocking certain news from getting to you. Have you noticed his... fits?”
"Oh tell me about it! He still has a tizzy every time I brainwash him."
"I mean his fits of... misbehavior."
“Is he the reason why I can’t see my reflection in the floor? Has he been soiling it?!”
Joust blinked first. “Princess, you have carpet.”
“Oh. Right. They keep telling me that, yet they never tell me exactly what ‘carpeting’ entails.”
“See, this is why you need somebody like me,” Joust said grandly. “I notice things like that. And Princess, from somebody who notices a lot of things, I think King Sombra may be evil!”
Love huffed, crossing her forelegs. "First off, he’s just Grand Vizier Sombra now. And second, just what would ever lead you to think a ruler’s shadowy vizier is evil? I made the judgment to give him that position. Are you saying that I have terrible judgment?”
“No! No! It’s just... He's been practicing black magic on your subjects!” Joust cried. Then, in a low voice. “A lot of subjects. That he’s been abducting off the streets."
"Well we certainly have a problem!” Love cried. Joust’s face brightened. “I never thought my empire of love would be so full of racists! Expert noticer or not, I'll be damned if I tolerate anypony who judges a pony by the color of his magic!"
“But my Princess,” the stallion sputtered, but Cadence was louder.
“Nope! Not hearing a word of your racist propaganda!”
“Princess Mi Amore!”
“Ap-bup-bup!”
“What does ‘black’ even mean in this context?!” Joust moaned.
“La la la la lalalala! I can’t hear you! Not being racist over here!”
Having said her piece, Princess Cadence rolled on her side and began to enshroud herself in a bedsheet cocoon. Across realities, men of all walks of life have been baffled by the female gender’s fascination with constructing these linen chrysalides. Experts of neural behavioral sciences have wasted countless years and millions in research funding in a fruitless effort to crack the secret. Many sweaty-palmed lepidopterists have offered the theory that women enter these shells for the same reason as the mighty monarch butterfly: to enter a state of hibernation and emerge as a creature more beautiful than ever before, sailing on the summer breeze in their fragile dance of life and light (It is common knowledge that no lepidopterist has ever seen a real girl). When asked directly, all women will offer the same giggle and diplomatically pass it off as “just a girl thing.”
As a certified expert on all things nonsensical, temperamental, random, and treacherous, I consider myself qualified to untangle the great gnarled knot that is the female mind. And after seconds of intense contemplation, I am confident in my conclusion: The linen cocoon exists as a defensive mechanism and a demonstration of authority over any conversation. Once the female submits what she desires to be the final word on a matter, she constructs her barrier to deafen her against any subsequent counter-arguments, making her the victor.
With no countermeasure against the impenetrable defense of silk and cotton, the defeated stallion resigned himself to his fate of being a one-night stand. He embarked on the walk of shame back to his home, where he would proceed to exaggerate and brag about his experience to uninterested friends for months to come. Cadence, on the other hand, had forgotten everything about the pony the instant he set foot outside of her room. Shifting and snuggling inside of her blankets, she dunk deeper into her shelter.
She loved her bed. That bed was the best thing about being a princess. Heck, that bed was the best thing about having a body. Everything that happened outside of it was considerably less fun. It was all “delegation” this and “keeping the peace of the empire” that and “get out of bed and do the job you stole from me, you usurping cow.”
That one was always the worst purely because she had to hear it every day from her least favorite pony in the world. Some ponies just can’t let go of a grudge.
“You have appointments,” Sombra announced dourly as he marched toward the unresponsive bundle on the bed. “Get up.”
From deep within the fathomless recesses of the blanket dimension, a long and muffled groan of defiance rang out.
“Nuhhhhhhhhggggmmmmpppphhhhhbt.”
“Even figurehead leaders have to make public appearances.” Like a joyless reflex developed over years of habit forming, the former King Sombra ignited his horn and tugged against a loose sheet corner. His magic was overpowered and dissipated by a light blue glow which quickly tucked the vulnerable point somewhere back inside the bundle. “Get up.”
“Make me, blank flank.”
During the golden era of the Crystal Empire, any pony who was stupid enough to mock the king’s lack of a cutie mark often found their lives became less pleasant and drastically shortened. And bear in mind, this was before Sombra went due south to cuckoo-clock town. He had taken to wearing a suit of armor and cape to protect his secret shame from undue gossip, and for the most part, the issue disappeared.
That is, at least until one day when Cadence decided to hockey punch the unicorn and noticed a distinct lack of posterior decoration. Since then, “blank flank” became her most favorite nickname for her least favorite servant.
Sombra inhaled an offended breath. “I demand you get out of bed and at least pretend to do the job you stole from me, you sour old biddy!”
“Your insults are a bit weak today, blanky!”
“Oh? Are they?” Sombra hissed. “Well sorry for disappointing you! Is this better, you bubble-bottomed witch?!”
With a strangled roar, Sombra charged at the blanket cocoon. Horn lowered, he hoped this time he would be lucky enough to make something bleed. He ran his tongue along his teeth at the thought, and lunged like a mad beast. Over and over again, his sickle of a horn tore through the delicate sheets, and within seconds he was thrashing, kicking, and snarling through the tangled shell to find the helpless prize within.
Tattered sheets clung to him like cobwebs, and with the lightest flicks of blue, they tangled around his hooves and bound his legs. It wasn’t long into his frenzy when he collapsed, the silken bindings too tight to even move.
“Isn’t it funny, Sombra?” Love cooed into his ear, wrapping her hooves around his swaddled body. “Despite everything we say and do to each other, we always wind up in bed together.”
“Let me out this instant!” Sombra thundered as he struggled against his bindings. He didn’t know what was worse. The fact that his nemesis had tricked him yet again, or what usually happened after said tricking. “Release me, usurper!”
“Nope. Not until you do that thing I like.” Cadence hummed as she playfully traced her hoof around her prisoner’s horn. She flicked his tip, rousing him into another failed escape attempt.
“Never! Your actions are selfish and, under a sane rule, entirely punishable!”
Love pouted. “How many times do I have to say it? It’s not sexual harassment if I can’t get a boner! Learn the law, Sombra!” There was nothing for it. Despite all the hate-flirting and fight-cuddling, the big grouch wasn’t going to play along today. “Oh fine. If you’re going to be that way.”
Sombra screwed his eyes shut as a love-bubble unloaded all of its enticing charms across his face. Love now pounded through his every pore, hammering in his head, rooting around and rewiring his brain.
Sombra collapsed, sheets unwinding from his fallen body. He struggled to stand.
“M-my Princess...” he wheezed, eyes popping red. “I... I l-l-love you...”
“Bah.” Cadence huffed. “Everybody says that! You’re no fun like this, blank flank!”
“A w-w-wonderful nickname...”
“Yep, I know that. Anyway, you got me up, so now you can go off and do... well, whatever it is that you usually do.”
“Yes, my can... candlelight... dancer?”
He wobbled to the door, steps awkward and overwide, like all four legs were numb. His head hung off his body, rolling limply back and forth. Twitching. A breath would hiss through his limp jaws, and a line of spit would splatter to the ground. Cadence couldn’t see his face, but she knew what he looked like when he was like this, always trying hard to blink over his red-popped eyes.
In the smallest, most blood-filled pocket of her mortal heart, the Princess of Love felt an itty bitty twinge of something foreign. A tiny bit of her insides curdled into a shape that, to an outsider, might have looked like sorrow. Or, quite possibly, something close to loss. To Cadence’s dismay, repeated love-scrubbings had completely broken her favorite toy’s brain.
Cadence pointedly blew aside a lock of her tousled mane.
“Okay, Sombra.”
The black stallion collapsed to the floor. Slowly, he craned his neck around, staring at Cadence.
“O-okay?” he mumbled.
“Is there anything I can do to, um... make you happier?”
Sombra sputtered a bit, spit dripping down his chin.
“Do you want me to get you, like, your own private harem?”
“P-please no. N-no no no.”
“So uh...” Cadence rolled her eyes. “I dunno, what do you stallions like? Beer? Nachos? Uh... I’m only coming up with food and mares here, Sombra, help me out.”
“I... I want...”
“Yes?”
“A-another... torture chamber.”
“Well alright then!” My brilliant he-she transgendered sibling happily clapped her hooves. “I’ll get to ordering that for you then. Now are we all set and square? You feel better now?”
“I... I will...” Sombra struggled to his feet once more. “Once... I... I tor-torture out.... this poison...”
“Go right ahead! You can lay around all day if you want, it’ll fix you right up!” Cadence gave her reflection a quick check in the mirror hanging over her bed. With a shake of her tail, she passed her struggling advisor and strode for the door. “But some of us have work to do. Ruling an empire is busy work. Not that you know!”
She exited her room feeling rather proud of herself. She hadn’t even had breakfast yet, and she had still managed to solve not one, but two royal problems! That was over double her normal workload, already solved!
“What a busy day so far!” she exclaimed. “I think I’ll celebrate by taking a nice long bath!”
~~~
Deep in the coldest and most secret of hidden dungeons, Sombra cradled a bucket between his legs. His aura worked a little pump, water splashing unevenly into the little container. The Old King slowly exhaled frosty winter’s breath, watching the bucket slosh and fill. Blinking, bleary, and eyes still a bloodshot red, he grit his teeth and shoved his head into the frigid water.
For just a moment, there was silence. A few bubbles appeared, dark ‘bloops’ echoing around the underground chamber. But it wasn’t long before the dark unicorn rose in a gasp, struggling to catch his breath.
“I... I don’t much care for the color pink, my sweet... sw-sweet...”
He blinked again and again and again, trying to close his swollen eyes. With another deep breath, he dove back for the bucket. His head vanished into the water, faucet furiously pumping more water down his neck.
“Blank!” He gasped, “Blank means... possibilities! Endless, unlimited, possibilities!”
His head dunked back underwater, briefly this time. When he resurfaced, his eyes were finally closed, and a thick cone of steam billowed from his snout.
“I am sick of seeing that mare!” He cried. “Sick, sick, sicketty-sick sick of seeing that, that unflattering cow! The very second I take back control of my empire, I will ban all mares! All of them! Women cannot be trusted to lead a parade, let alone a nation. Princesses? Hah! Worthless charlatans. How many of my distress letters to Canterlot have gone unheeded? Princess Celestia doesn't care about us at all!"
With a heady growl, his head dunked back into to the bucket. It bubbled and boiled with his rage.
“Love?” He shouted, mane tangled into wild ropes. “Love! Love love lovey dovey lovey love fuckery!” The room shook in a flash of raging magic. Tools rattled off the wall, banging and clattering onto the cold stone floor. Slaves, swaddled in chains, shivered in their cells, watching their former king with quiet fear. “Love!” Sombra screamed. Then, more quietly. “Love... is a poison.”
He spun on his cowered subjects, horn bubbling in dark shadows. Two of the smallest, most fearful of the ponies were yanked out of their chains, dragged into the air. “Love is a boil. A pustule that warps the skin. A bloated bubble filled with infection. It spreads and spreads and spreads, warping who you are. What you are is lost to love! Soon, soon you’re transformed into a disgusting, infectious pile. Spreading your rot. Spreading your sickness across the entirety of the country!”
He stopped pacing, catching his breath. “Just a bit... a bit lightheaded. You know. From the asphyxiation. Whuhff. I hope I didn’t strain my throat.”
The shadows faded away from his horn, and two ponies dropped from his side. Sombra didn’t even notice them scramble for the door through his rant-induced headache. Blearily massaging his temples, he approached his workbench: a table covered in a black, crystalline tumors.
“I didn’t notice this disease in my rule,” he continued. “Foolish of me. I thought the disease was like a cold. Something ponies get, on occasion. It’s something forgivable, catching a ‘love bug.’ But no. But. No.”
Sombra hissed, head pounding as the shadows boiled over his horn, rising in a pestilent wave.
“All it took was one carrier. One mare.” Shadows rolled over the crystals. “Some pony so full up with disease, that the little bug became a full-blown plague. A plague of kissing, cuddling, and screwing. Who could ever in their right mind enjoy such banal things?!”
Sombra’s breath became strained once more. The crystals before popped, crackled, swelled into new branches and arms. Black light reflected into quick tendrils, snapping and grasping for every corner of the dungeon. Ponies squealed as black tumors of rock sprouted inches from their bodies.
“My empire,” Sombra hissed. “Is going to need a cure. Something equally vile to scrape this vile sickness from her body! You!” He whipped onto one of his slaves, eyes ablaze with sick darkness.
“M-me, my lord and master?”
“Tell me! What’s the opposite of love?!”
“I... Uh...” The slave’s eyes flicked from side to side, panicked. “Letting little ponies go, most noble and wonderful king?”
“Is it the sun?” another cried, “I really do miss the sun!”
“Chocolate pudding! No wait! VANILLA PUDDING!”
“No, dummies,” another piped up, “I’ve heard this riddle before! It’s indifference!”
“Oh, phew!” the second sighed, “Good thing we knew it. Now he might be nice enough to let us leave!”
“Hate and fear, you simpletons!” Sombra screamed. “It was a rhetorical question! Don’t you know what a rhetorical question is?”
“I think so,” one answered meekly. “Isn’t it when you ask—”
“That was also a rhetorical question!” Sombra snapped. He rubbed his temples again. “Anyway. Hate and fear and rage and darkness! All of these things... they have helped me resist this horrible, horrible plague. Because they are greater! They shall supplant love!”
Sombra’s eyes popped, his mouth forming a small ‘o’ as a scheme bubbled to the top of his miry brain. It was brilliant, grand, and perfect. And like all great ideas, it was simple and came during the throes of an insane fit. “And today is the day that love shall finally leave the Crystal Empire! Huhuehahahahaha! Ahahahahahack! Gaaack ack ack k-chak! Ech, where is that water bucket?”
Breath heavy, he slowly lumbered over to his captured prey. Crystals still sprouted and popped around them, coating the shady dungeon in even deeper shadows. “You will see, little ssslave. All of you... The disease-ridden mare will be excised. And, in her absence, you will all gain resistance to this love, the same way I have. Now...” A foul tool yanked its way off the ground, shape obscured by the ever enclosing dark. The slave couldn't see what it was, or what Sombra intended to do with it. He began to squirm, to panic. “Open up and take your medicine!”
~~~
Outside of Sombra’s world of doom and gloom, the sun and stars continued to shine on the pink center of the universe. But make no mistake, the center of the universe served as much function as the center of a donut. Many chancellors and councils tended to the less-glamorous bureaucracy that kept the Crystal Empire from being crushed underneath their princess’s ever-growing behind. Yes, my Brother delighted in being contained in a body in every single way, and enjoyed indulging in its flesh more than he enjoyed indulging the pink, life-giving radiance of Love. The average day consisted of an endless pattern of feasting on chocolate and sweets and lavish dishes until her stomach felt ready to pop, then rolling out of her chair to find anyone that could help her work off some calories. But as exercise always left her feeling famished, it was right back to the dining table to replenish her strength and ensure that her body was, in fact, well on its way to becoming bubble-shaped.
When she emerged from one of her many private gymnasiums, it was only the sight of Luna’s rising moon that gave her any hint of which meal would be awaiting her next. Dinner time was always a wonderful thing. It meant the end of her royal responsibilities for the day, as if the world itself was letting her know her shift was over. But more importantly, dinner meant dessert. Her hooves barely touched the ground as lusty daydreams of cakes and pies and frosting beckoned for her.
Besides wanting five or twenty different kinds of dessert, she was in the mood for something salty. Cadence informed the chefs that she would be having seafood for dinner. The staff immediately went into a wonderful gray frenzy, throwing plates and cursing each other. The miserable salad that they had spent the last hour preparing was torn apart in seconds and abandoned in the trash.
Wave after wave of appetizers and hors d'oeuvres were brought out to the dining room to keep Cadence occupied while one of the chefs herded together a fish. Or however fish are caught. I honestly have no clue. They’re like cattle, right? Ponies have fish ranches, don’t they? And you get tartar sauce from milking them? That’s how I remember it at least. Well, however the pony got the fish, it took him at least an hour before he returned and then a half hour to prepare it.
Cadence wiggled her nose at the smell drifting from underneath the plate cover. She tapped on the dome with interest. “So. What’s the story on this one?” The chefs always liked to brag about their art, about the exquisiteness of the dish and the senses and feelings it was meant to inspire. For the most part she indulged them. But the honest truth is that they all felt the same once they were inside of her. Fattening.
The fisherman stared down at his princess stonily. “There I was, adrift in the middle of the ocean, casting my rod in and out. Then out from the briny deep came a Mahi-mahi the size of a Manatee-manatee! He jumped onto my boat and knocked me to the floor. Then I bucked him in the face and he spat out a tooth onto his fin and smiled, like he liked it. I knew that it was either him or me. And then I noticed the scar under his left eye and I realized it was the same fish who killed my parents twenty years ago.”
He whipped off the cover, revealing the sliced fish steaks arranged in a pattern around the head of an enormous fish. Its mouth was opened wide, as if caught halfway through a bloodcurdling scream.
“He comes with rice."
“...I don’t think I’m hungry any more.”
The dining room doors rattled open, shivering in their hinges. A black shadow crept across the table, emanating from the dark Ex-King Sombra. Hair sopping wet, breath coming in shuttering waves, he strode powerfully towards the pretty pink princess, eyes boring through her skull.
“Hey, blank flank!” Cadence chirruped. She nudged the fish platter towards her most trusted advisor. “Fancy some fish?”
“Mi Amore Cadenza,” Sombra growled, “There’s a foreign matter that desperately needs your attention.”
“Ooh, sounds exotic! What is it?”
“The southern pony nation is demanding your attention. Something about your phoenix friend. You need to go see them right away.”
“Sister Harmony’s asking for me?” Cadence thought for a moment. A sour look crossed her face. “Uhg, I don’t want to talk to her. She’ll just lecture me about ‘responsibility’ and ‘getting along’ and other preachy crap. Tell her ‘no thank you!’ for me, Blanky?”
“Your ‘Sister’ says it’s important,” Sombra growled. He had no clue what she meant, but calling a phoenix family was far from the strangest thing she had done.
“More important than my valuable peace of mind?”
“Yes.”
“Well I doubt that!”
Ex-King Sombra stared down at the pink disease, chewing quietly on the insides of his mouth. He had been forced to deal with her Royal Fanny for years. He knew her few strengths, and her many weaknesses. Each one turned over and over in his head. And from the addled slough, a perfect lie rose to the surface.
“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” he bellowed, “There is a pony down south who claims to be prettier than you.”
Cadence fell still.
“Well,” she said, “I guess I have to go kill a pony.” Cadence rose from her seat, the foreign emotion of determination in her eyes. “Where did you say this harlot was?”
“Your Sister has it narrowed down to Griffonia, Draconia, or the Unending Desert.”
“So... almost anywhere in the world?”
“The braggart knows she has to avoid your wrath, Princess.”
“She’s smart...” Cadence began striding towards one of the many open balconies, purpose in her step. “No time to wait. I’ll hunt her down... even if it takes me years to do so! So, blank flank!” She hopped onto a railing, glancing back over her shoulder. “Think you can handle the kingdom while I’m out?”
Sombra’s shoulders heaved, snout snapping skyward, eyes wide. A grin crept across his lips, spreading further and further. He chuckled, just a faint, wheezing sound. But with every inhale, his laugh grew louder, more forceful. His mane trembled. His cloak billowed. The room shivered. Louder and louder and louder his laugh grew, ecstatic and wild. The servant ponies inched away from the stallion, discreetly stampeding for the doors as crystalline shadows nipped at their feet.
“I’ll take that as a yes!” Unphased, Cadence snapped open her wings and took to the skies. Sure, Sombra was acting extra crazypants today. But there was a mare who thought she was prettier than the motherfucking Spirit of Love.
Cadence was long, long gone when King Sombra finally stopped. Not because he felt any loss for the coagulated ball of snot. He had simply exhausted himself laughing. His lungs hurt, his legs were wobbly, and his half-dried mane felt pasted to his neck. He straightened himself out, licking his teeth, feeling his jaws ache from glee.
“If I ever see that mare again,” he growled, “I swear it will be the death of me.”
Idly cast lingered shadows here and there, the newly christened King Sombra kicked over Cadence’s chair. A gray crystal chair swiftly regrew in its place. He dropped himself into his new throne, adjusted it a bit, reclined, and hovered over one of the fish slices.
“Mm,” he mumbled through a mouthful of rice. “Not bad.”
Doors flung open with a boom like a cannon. Glass shattered. Curtains ripped from their rods. The table upended in a tremendous blast of bright magic. Sombra roared, rage and fire bubbling in the air around him.
“Did you forget your favorite scrunchie, Cadence?!” he screamed. “What’s more important?! Your hair, or some harlot who— Oh.”
His voice died. Two ponies fluttered into his dining room, both of which were alicorns, but neither Cadence. One was a an offensive shade of unfashionable white, the other dark as absolutely unremarkable slice from the night sky.
Sombra regarded these ponies with suspicion. The last alicorn that had burst into his castle uninvited had decided to promptly take it over. It was entirely possible that these two planned to do the same. I mean, they had just destroyed his least favorite dining room.
“What is the meaning of this intrusion?” Sombra hissed.
Sun-Butt stepped forward. "Are you the ruler of the Crystal Empire?"
"I am King Sombra,” he replied coolly. “What business do you mares have here?"
"Word has reached our ears of a tyrannical ruler who has terrorized the ponies of the Crystal Empire for years," Sun-Butt said.
"And as is our duty,” What-Butt added, “We have come to put an end to your cruelty and evil."
"Wh-what?” The Cruel and Evil King Sombra fell out of his chair, gaping at the alicorn sisters. “No! No it wasn't me! It was Mi Amore you wanted! Those were my letters! You want Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!"
"He's speaking in tongues!"
"Blast him!"
~~~
Would you believe me if I told you that Brother Love tirelessly hunted for the heretic without rest for weeks, crossing tundra, desert, ocean, and mountain to send the lying pagan into the gaping mouth of Brother Death? And that afterwards, he immediately returned to resume his rule over the Crystal Empire happily ever after?
Because you shouldn’t believe me. That extends to most of the things I say, to tell you the truth. I’m a habitual liar. But now let me tell you what really happened.
By the time Princess Cadence reached the edge of the tundra that marked the end of the Crystal Empire, she was entirely sick of the whole exhausting bother. Considering that it was entirely possible that she simply hadn’t built up enough stamina during her daily workouts, she vowed to only return to her servants when she was stronger. She would continue her training while traveling around Equestria. Preferably around the warmer areas by the beach that had those nice resorts she read about in magazines. Arubuck, Jamaicolt, Bermudeer, Bahamare, Key Latigo, Muletego, and Kokomoo were her stomping grounds for the next two years. She got there fast and then took it slow. I think she even wrote a song about it. It was catchy.
After many arduous months, full of bodies in the sand and tropical drinks, Cadence finally felt that she was ready to return to her subjects and be the ruler she always knew she could be. Plus, she missed all of her stuff.
But when she finally descended from the snow-filled skies and folded her wings, she was not met with the sight of thousands of celebrating crystal ponies cheering for her triumphant return. The sun did not shine through prismatic towers, casting rainbows on the snow like a flamboyant lighthouse. There were no wine fountains or diamond sculptures of herself decorating the streets.
The Crystal Empire had collapsed and vanished. And amazingly, it wasn’t Cadence’s fault.
“But–but my ponies! My empire!” Tears began to trickle from the corners of her eyes while she desperately searched for any trace of her lost kingdom. Reality finally caught up to her and threw her to her knees in despair. “I have so much more horniness to give!”
Her wail carried on the frozen wind for miles, reaching every corner of her lost empire and bouncing off every snow mound and mountain. By the time her cry had crossed back over the tundra and reached her ears, Cadence was already over it.
“Oh well, maybe there’s another kingdom that’s looking for a new princess,” she said while shrugging off the clumps of snow clinging to her fur and feathers. “I’ll start looking later. Right now I need a vacation.”
“First off, I want to say that this,” Cadence gestured to the ruined town beneath them, “is not my fault.”
Forcing her beak into the closest imitation of a skeptical frown she could manage, Philomena turned her body on the balcony to face away from the magnificent chaos below and glare at the shameless alicorn.
“You called me out to help. So tell me what happened.”
“Well, I was enjoying ruling my new kingdom here. I’m still heartbroken over the Crystal Empire, you know. Did your pet ponies really have to be so cruel?”
“Focus, please.”
“And I thought I would invite some of the neighbor royals for some dinner so I could show off how much nicer my palace was than theirs.” Cadence gave a weary sigh and rolled her eyes at the sight of the dining room behind them. Half of the table was overturned and the other half was on the other side of the room, covered in scratch marks with its legs broken out from under it. Food was strewn around the walls and floors, with half-eaten cakes floating on puddles of cold soup. No one had even touched the salad. And worst of all, none of the servants were even doing a thing to clean up.
“So what happened next?” Philomena asked, wincing as a building in the distance toppled over like a downed tree.
“Absolute disaster! They weren’t even paying attention to me!” The princess wailed, genuine tears pooling in her eyes at the horrible memory. “They just kept talking with each other, they were old friends or some stupid thing.”
“Brother. What. Did. You. Do.”
“Nothing! I just spat in their drinks.” An aria of screams rattled up from the flaming streets below. “I guess my spit is like a super potent love potion or something. How amazing am I? Tell me I’m pretty. Please.”
“Are you kidding me?!” Crimson feathers flared into a burst of flame for an instant, leaving a pile of ashes where the Spirit of Harmony was just a moment before.
Cadence watched the combustion with a hurt expression, prodding the pile of ashes with her hoof delicately. “You... don’t think I’m pretty?”
With another flash of fire, Philomena returned to life wearing an inhumanly patient smile. “Brother, dear, I think you’re very pretty. But two other kingdoms are collapsing now because their leaders are too busy ripping this kingdom apart because of something you did.”
“...So?”
“So,” Harmony stopped herself short of a second explosion, “this is exactly all your fault.”
The information took a few moments to sink in, possibly getting a bit disoriented by the empty vacuum it found itself traveling through. Cadence’s expression hardened as the gravity of the situation finally dawned on her.
“I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of Oopsie-Daisies.”
“What I don’t understand is how two ponies could do all... this.”
“They aren’t ponies,” Cadence chuckled at the bird’s ignorance, leaning over the balcony railing. “Prince Minos and Princess Scythia are a minotaur and griffin.”
As if on cue, a piercing eagle screech tore up from the melodious sounds of chaos below. In immediate response, a low, rumbling moo sounded from the other corner of the city, followed by the destruction of several city blocks.
“It’s actually very interesting. Minotaurs are very physical lovers. On top of that, they kill everything and anything that might be considered competition for a mate.” It was baffling to Harmony how easily Love could ignore the sound of the ponies who depended on him being gored. “And griffins, hehe, they can’t actually grease themselves up if’n you catch my meaning. Usually they use fish blood since they’re in high supply, but it looks like ponies work just as well.”
Feeling lightheaded at the thought of it, it was all Philomena could to do land on her feet when she fainted back from the balcony railing. “How could you be so irresponsible?”
Cadence shrugged. “I guess when it comes to running a kingdom into the ground, I’m a force of nature! ...Laugh!”
There was something about his sister’s expression that told Love Harmony was going to be a serious wet blanket about the whole thing. As if things hadn’t gone bad enough already. Her servants were already too spooked to dote on her, and half of her eligible partners had just been snatched up by the competing royals. A snort escaped at the thought of the prince and princess. After she had brought them together, this was how they repaid her? By stealing away a kingdom-sized harem?
This would not stand! Those were her ponies, that was her kingdom, and wild sexploits were her territory! If anything, that should have been her down there killing all those ponies! But this was it. The time had come to draw the line in the sand. To stand up for her kingdom! To fix yet another one of Philomena’s mistakes!
“Sister, we must stop them from looking at each other to end the spell!” Cadence declared. “I need you to claw out their eyes!”
“I’m not going to do that!”
Augh, this was so much more effort than it was worth. Deflating immediately, Cadence began to mope in the direction of the dining hall. “It’s really easy to say ‘no’, but I’m the only one coming up with ideas.”
Philomena flapped after her sister, not noticing the swinging door until it was slammed shut on her face. Readjusting her beak, she shouted against the glass to catch the moody alicorn’s attention. “Where are you going?”
“To get some tea! I’m mondo stressed out”
Ejaculating syllables at the glass door did nothing to take the pressure of the situation off Harmony’s mind. Her animal instincts were telling her to take flight and just leave the whole ugly situation behind her. Why did she have to be saddled with her brother, anyway? He didn’t care about doing any work here. With all he had done so far, it was nothing short of a miracle that Discord hadn’t broken free from the disasters he was unleashing—and you can only imagine my disappointment. She should have just told Life to piss off and let her run everything by herself. But nooo, she had to be the “nice” spirit and try to get along with everyone.
She fluttered back onto the railing with a grumble and stared up vacantly at the ever-inviting sky. Her only comfort was the thought that if there was any justice in the world, Love would get what was coming to him eventually. There was just no way he could get away with this forever... Right?
“I’m too upset to even make tea,” Cadence announced as she returned back to the balcony, levitating a tea cup behind her. She brought the cup to her mouth and took a long drink, pulling up with a contented sigh. “There’s nothing in my cup, but making sipping noises calms me down.”
“That’s great,” Philomena grumped. Is that a verb? Grump? Oh what do I care. “Take your time, there’s nothing important going on here.” The clacking of porcelain turned the bird’s attention to a plate of pie that was being placed beside her.
“I also made you some pie to thank you.” Cadence gave Philomena a genuine smile before returning to her cup.
She returned the smile before taking a generous bite out of the dessert.
Did you know that bird vomit is orange? Well now you, Love, and Harmony can all join the club.
“Wh-wha-what’s in this horrible thing?” Philomena cried between retches.
“Used napkins and gerbil meat. Start being nicer to me!”
The two spirits butted heads, each one trying to will the other to simply drop dead on the spot. Their minds ran wild, each one conjuring thoughts of soldiers and warriors to ride into battle to lay waste to their miserable sibling. It began with typical spells and hooves being thrown, the valiant enigmas giving their lives for the cause. Then Love got creative and began to send in her special unit of mythological beasts, with hydras and timberwolves cutting through the enemy ranks. But hark! a desparate counter-attack by the forces of Harmony! The Princesses of Equestria have come to put an end to the conflict once and for all!
“No fair letting them use the Elements of Harmony!” Cadence shouted. “I don’t have anything cool named after me.”
“That’s because you would destroy it or shove it up your fanny!” Philomena squawked, her tail feathers turning into a plume of fire for an instant.
“Our protagonists, ladies and gentlemen.”
All of the fight was immediately drained from the pair when an unforgettable noxious stench curled around them. As much as they did not want to they could not stop their bodies from turning their heads toward the source of the terrible, eye-watering heat blowing against them.
“B-brother Death,” Harmony struggled to force some cheer into her voice. “What a nice surprise to see you.”
“And it’s nice to see that the world is in such capable hands.” The titanic basilisk gave the kingdom surrounding the castle an approving glance. “I prefer the fangs-on method, but I suppose getting mortals to do things for you has a certain Elder God flair to it.”
“He’s going to eat us,” Cadence whimpered.
Philomena strained her voice to talk over the princess. “Big Brother, it’s so nice to see you! It’s so nice! Right, Brother Love?”
“He’s going to eat us.”
“So nice! But what brings you all the way across planes of existence?”
“Well, between you and me, word is that three kingdoms are on the verge of collapse. And that the chaos just might release our favorite brother from his stone nap and let him run amok again. Which, if you think hard and remember, is what we’re trying to avoid this time.” Death leaned down and expelled a thick smog that bathed every living thing beneath him. “Now Sissy has me working containment so that the eager go-getters of the Minotaur and Griffin kingdoms can claim the thrones once the old leaders finish their reenactment of Romeo and Juliet here.”
“Are you going to eat us?”
“Depends on my mood after.”
Without another word between them, Death turned his attention to the ponies below and set to work. When Life interrogated him about his overzealousness later, he would gleefully waste her time with his arsenal of excuses: he didn’t know exactly who his targets were; innocent ponies don’t run, so they must have been the right one; sometimes pony fur tickles his nose and he doesn’t like to cover his sneezes. After hours of rustling every last jimmy Life held to her, he would finally get to the heart of the matter.
He was just having too much fun to stop.
“Have you ever eaten a pony?” Death called up to his two disgusted siblings above. “They’re like potato chips. It’s impossible to stop with just one.”
“Do you think that this counts as chaos?” Philomena asked, shrinking away from the stink of a dying kingdom. “Because I definitely don’t think this can be considered harmony.”
Cadence tilted her head to the side. “He seems to be loving it though. In his own special way.”
“There goes the neighborhood. Muhahaha! Normally that has racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.”
“Did we really let things get so out of hand that... this was the better option?”
“I guess so. Last time I ever ask you for help.”
Philomena’s feathers fanned out as an automatic response, but she folded them back in out of shame of herself. As much as Love had irritated her, she was still there to help ponies. Not just from the collapse of a kingdom, but in every situation big or small. It was what she wanted to do. And here she had let herself fail so many and let everything fall into disaster.
“Alright, miss. Do you want me to kill your son first or your daughter? Naaah, I’m just kidding. You don’t get to decide.”
This was a sign. She needed to help Equestria. And if that meant teaching Love to better understand the importance of their work, then she would gladly take on the duty. Even if the reality of the task made arm-wrestling with a dragon seem look like a cakewalk.
“Well, there’s another paradise ruined,” Cadence grumbled as another stretch of the city was consumed by Death’s smog. “Good thing I planned ahead and started looking at potential kingdoms. I was thinking of trying something more exotic this time. Like dragons. I hear they’re absolute beasts in b—”
“Brother, you need to start taking a more serious interest in this world.” It didn’t matter if she already knew exactly what the alicorn was about to say. Just somehow stopping her from saying the rest of that last word was enough to help her pretend she didn’t hear any of it. A curious habit among poor speakers and terrible story writers.
“Equestria is magical in more ways than you know. There are surprises around every corner! Mysteries under every rock!”
“No, no,” Cadence dismissed with a wave of her hoof. “I already know what’s under those rocks. It’s dead ponies.”
“What I mean is that you should return to Canterlot with me. See what it’s really like to live among ponies instead of trying to live above them.”
“If you’re asking me to bottom, I’ll tell you right now you’re wasting your time.”
This went on for much longer than I cared to pay attention for. But one of the many perks of being a spirit is that you can just throw a stone and find another sibling squabble going on. Or in some cases, start one, depending on how hard you threw the stone.
Death lifted his head up high to breath in the intoxicating toxic tastes of his handiwork, crooning and sighing at a job well done. As much as he hated being confined to a physical form, the thrill of being able to go hands-on more than made up for it. The joy of slipping into his basilisk body was like a child going to a playground. He has the time of his life as he runs around, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, meeting all the other kids and then reducing them to piles of sludge with his breath. But just like the playground, the worst part was the absolute disappointment when mom tells you it’s time to come home.
“But I just got here,” Death protested to the voice in his head.
‘I do not care,’ Life snipped. ‘I sent you here for two purposes only: to clean up our idiot brother’s mess and to get you to stop bothering me for a few minutes.’
“Sissy, you’re hardly being fair. Love is doing such a rotten job of running things, and we all just saw that I resolved this issue single-handedly. Proof positive that I should have been left in charge here all along.” Death’s eyes locked on to the small creatures bickering on top of the vacant castle. He bared his teeth wolfishly and began to slither toward the pair. “So if you don’t want to pull them back, I’d be happy to send them. I’m just a nice guy like that.”
‘I’ll give you fifteen seconds to leave on your own. Then I’ll yank you back myself.’
Death snorted black smoke from his nostrils but quickly reeled back his disdain, his scowl turning into a chuckle. Life existed in a funny paradox where she tried to watch Death like a hawk while at the same time giving him as little attention as possible. As long as he was back in the spirits’ domain, she could care less. But if he left just the tiniest, most microscopic little speck of himself behind...
“You’re so cruel to me. Fine.” Death gave a large yawn and a stretch. “I actually feel safer being away from Love while he’s running loose. It’s like watching a more pathetic version of Brother Chaos’s failures.”
Uh... Thanks?
In an instant, a very large basilisk-shaped piece of emptiness appeared. But curiously, this large basilisk-shaped piece of emptiness was only slightly smaller than the basilisk-shaped piece of basilisk that had occupied it before. To a careful eye, or a god or one of those autistic math geniuses you see in the movies, it would be smaller by exactly one scale located from a little underneath the left wing.
I should probably keep an eye on that. But it looks like Tweedledee and Tweedlenitwit are done, and that looks like it would be much more interesting. Someone else can keep track of the scale thing.
Cadence looked out on the remnants of her latest kingdom. Once again, in the blink of an eye, thousands of lives that had been entrusted to her vanished off the face of the earth. The consequences of the death of these two royals would undoubtedly have deep and long-lasting consequences for pony relationships with other species for untold generations. More immediately, lives, many that had just only started had been extinguished. They had done nothing to deserve this fate. It had all come because of one little act of spite on her part. As a spirit, everything Love ever did had consequence and weight to it beyond the scope of mortal comprehension. But here, the results could be seen directly. And she stood at the center of this crater of death and devastation, and only had one thing to say for herself.
"I think we earned a big dinner."
Philomena nearly fell off the balcony. "How do you think we deserve anything?"
Cadence tilted her head to the side as if it was the dumbest question in the world. "We didn’t leave any orphans or widows. So, you know, look on the positive side.” She clapped her hooves together and pulled the doors to the dining hall open with her magic. “Big steaks for the two spirits who didn't directly kill an entire kingdom!"
All in all, it was the best first Hearts and Hooves Day ever.
While my brother possesses a list of faults and weaknesses long enough to reach the dark side of the moon, to his credit he excels at the few skills he has. He was a master yoga guru, having invented the practice as an excuse to get ponies into tight-fitting pants. He was a connoisseur of fine wine and often amazed entire rooms of stuffy nobles with his ability to appraise every last drop of a bottle in under a minute. And, quite by mistake after a series of unlikely events under improbable circumstances, he discovered that he was a naturally gifted bowler.
But out of the handful of skills in Love’s utility belt, the one that best served him time and again was his ability to make me laugh and laugh and laugh without even trying. I thought I was going to bust a gut watching the pandemonium he caused just being his natural self, charming his way through the streets of Canterlot toward the palace. The looks on those ponies’ faces when they saw a new alicorn roaming the streets was rich enough. But their reactions when they saw how Cadence acted? Someone their little brains were pre-programmed to associate with their perfect princesses?
I think I saw someone actually drop their monocle into their drink.
And even after all that, just when I was half-expecting to crack my statue in half from laughing so hard, Love wasn’t finished yet. For the grand finale, he marched straight into the throne room of the palace for his usual method of integrating himself among a kingdom’s hierarchy.
“Thanks for keeping my seat warm for me,” Cadence said sweetly enough to make a cripple offer up their wheelchair.
Princess Celestia, the great fuddy-duddy to end all fuddy-duddies, the tree in the primordial ooze from which all sticks-in-the-mud are cut from, the wet blanket that the seas and oceans were squeezed from, the old fogy to rule them all, the Great Peacock of Canterlot, had a mind resilient to change. New information meant just another thing she had to keep her eye on, and each dawn she brought came with the dread of the inevitable disruptions to her precious order. Everything was just so, and everything had its place, and no matter how crazy the world might become there were some things that were inarguable and unchangeable facts.
When an alicorn that should not have existed entered the room, poor Sunbun’s brain nearly broke.
I almost died.
Luna, perhaps owing to her more unrefined intellect, was more receptive to surprises. And in rare occasions like this when her older sister was not speaking, the Princess of the Night pounced on the opportunity to speak. Well, I say “speak,” it’s more like a hurricane imitating a thunderclap.
“What manner of trickery be this?” Perhaps it was out of excitement, desperation for attention, or maybe she was autistic. Whatever the reason, Luna never mastered the art of the inside voice.
“Can you repeat the question?” Cadence grunted, rubbing a hoof in her ear, “I couldn’t hear you over this really annoying noise.”
“A proud horn brandished like a spear, and the grand wings of a seraph adorn thy frame. But thou cannot be of true royal blood! Explain thyself at once, queer alicorn!” You have to understand, she was from a different time.
“Ow, there it is again. I’m in the same room, I can hear you fine.”
The sound of Luna taking command was enough to call Celestia back to reality. She raised a wing to quiet her sister and turned to the pink alicorn with contemptuous suspicion.
“The only other alicorns in existence were murdered centuries ago by a mad beast,” Celestia spoke gravely. “This disguise does not fool me. You are no alicorn. Reveal yourself, trickster.”
“You’re right,” Cadence answered. Hearing the phrase did not bring the princess the usual satisfaction. “I am not a real alicorn. Or even a real pony.”
Celestia’s stolid expression belied the confusion and fear swirling within her. With every step the imposter took, the air crushed down on her. It was impossible to rise from her throne. Her magic was pulled away and sucked toward the pink creature like a black hole when she attempted to ready a spell. Even her mouth betrayed her. She could only think of one time she had ever felt so powerless in her own throne room. And then it dawned on her.
“What... are... you?” she managed to grunt through clenched teeth.
“I am a flesh vessel for an immortal being whose true form, if you saw it, would make you lose your mind.” Cadence’s voice was calm and terrible.
“Spi...rit.”
“I am. I know you are familiar with us. But let me introduce myself to you both.” She was mere steps away from the sisters now. “I have many names. I am The Spirit of Love. I am the blind archer who rules the hearts of mortals. I am life’s greatest joy and deepest pain. I am the pursuit that drives all things.”
Cadence let her mouth graze Celestia’s ear. “And I am just screwing with you.” A pink hoof streaked across both sister’s cheeks with a loud slap and the world went fuzzy.
Tossing her hair back, Cadence took heavy consideration on her next move. She could tell the alicorns anything at this point and they would believe it, sure. But that meant she had to choose wisely. She could tell the sisters she was her mother, but then that would surely come with endless jokes about her age. Just because she was a spirit from before recorded history didn’t mean she wanted to hear about it. On the other hand, milfs were the big thing this season. The only real problem was that being their mother would make her a queen, and that would probably mean she would have to do work.
Being a sister could always be an option, but that would mean she would be seen as equal to Celestia and Luna. Plus, there would be all the drama of Luna sneaking into her room to take her clothes. And just thinking about how they would always get mad when she stole their boyfriends, ugh, it wouldn’t be worth it.
What she needed was to be in a position of authority over the commoners, but with no actual royal responsibilities. Celestia and Luna could pretend to be superior, just as long as they never felt bold enough to order her around.
“Bingo bango bongo! Cadence, you are one sharp cookie. Like a cracker. Or a stale eclair. I think those are smart things.” She would get back to that matter later. But for now, it was time for a family reunion. Ugh, is that the best quip I could come up with? I need some fresh air, all this granite is clogging my brain.
“Auntie Celestia, Auntie Luna, it’s time to wake up~” she sang, gently shaking the two alicorns from their trance.
Celestia rubbed her eyes to wipe away the pink haze, her vision still blurry. “Who... are you?”
“Auntie, you’re such a big silly!” Cadence giggled. “I’m your niece! It’s me, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza L'amante Supremi Ed Il Bevitore Di Succo Di Gatto Il Governatore Che Non Rovina Mai Tutto La Luce Che Eclissa Il Sole E La Bellezza Che Oscura La Notte!” She had added a few extra titles to her name for the special occasion.
Celestia nearly slapped herself for being so foolish. She hoped she wasn’t going senile in her age. “Cadence, of course! How could I have forgotten my favorite niece? How are you, dear?”
“I’m just fine, auntie. It was so nice of you to let me stay here in Canterlot.”
Luna blinked one eye and then the other, a few minutes behind her sister as per usual. “I beg thee hold... Whose niece are you?”
Cadence paused. “Both of yours?”
The answer was enough to satisfy the new aunts. With warm smiles and happy feelings all around, the three joined together in a family group hug. It was enough to make a Spirit of Chaos gag. But of course, I’m the only one in this family with any sense—the good kind, I mean.
As if to prove my point, Sister Harmony breezed into the room through an open window just in time to witness the sappy hug. She smiled at the sight (if you can believe it) and flew a lap across the length of the room before perching on the bird swing beside Celestia’s throne.
After the hug mercifully ended, the royal turkeys squatted back on their thrones and called for a few servants to prepare living arrangements for their long-term guest. While Celestia micromanaged the staff on every detail of a room she would likely never see, Harmony and Love took the opportunity to have a private conversation.
‘I told you I could do it,’ Love beamed the message into his sister’s mind.
‘I’m so proud of you, Brother!’ Harmony cheered. ‘I promise that this is going to be the start of a better life for you. In a few days when you’ve gotten familiar with the castle and Canterlot and your room is all sorted, I can help you to see how wonderful ponykind is and how precious they all are. And the best part is that we can see each other every day if we like! We can actually be like a real family! One that doesn’t argue and try to destroy the world all the time! And there’s so much to do and see in Canterlot and I know you’re just going to love it!’
It’s a mystery to even me how she was able to run out of breath over a telepathic message.
Even if Love had stopped listening to her so he could focus on ensuring his bed meet his standards, Harmony still felt proud of her brother. She had been worried at first when he insisted on speaking to Celestia and Luna alone, but she was glad to see her fears were misplaced. This was a milestone achievement for Love: he had promised to explain how he had come to Canterlot to help ponies in whatever way he could and earn the princesses’ trust with his sincerity, and he did it.
Harmony couldn’t help but let out a bright tweet of joy. Love was learning that brainwashing wasn’t the solution to all his problems.
The next few days passed in delightful peace for Harmony. She accompanied Love everywhere he went to help him familiarize himself with the lay of the land and showing him some of her favorite spots in the castle and in the city. I like to think the best of my sister and imagine that she did this to cunningly prevent Love from ever blowing off a lesson date by saying he got lost along the way.
To say that Harmony was excited to begin her lessons would be an understatement. She spent every waking hour devising new lessons and new ideas to demonstrate each point, considering every possible angle and convention to ensure she produced the most enriching experience possible. And after much contemplation, she finally decided on starting off with something simple to slowly ease Love into pony life and break him of his old habits. The first thing she needed to do was teach him how to find pleasure in more socially acceptable activities.
They were going to go on a picnic.
Love was trusted to fetch some food to eat, a blanket to lie on, and a crossbow to fire at any bears interested in stealing some pic-a-nic baskets, and then meet Harmony in the Canterlot statue gardens. More specifically, she was waiting at my statue.
I can only imagine why she had chosen me to be the meeting place. Perhaps she thought that I was lonely and this was her weak attempt at giving me some company. She was talking even less than me, so if that was her plan, then she is pretty lousy company. Another possibility was that I was a part of her lesson plan as an example to Love what happened to the last Spirit who got out of hand.
Or maybe she was planning on building a nest on me. Seeing the way she was moving from place to place to stare at me from every angle, it’s entirely possible. She would be the first bird to try. The bird situation on the whole has actually been quite pleasant. I have never had a bird even try to land on me, let alone use me for a toilet. Lucky break, right? Being the embodiment of all things unexpected has its perks. I know the other statues are getting jealous of me for that, but they’ll never get the nerve to say anything to me about it.
Love finally arrived with all of the picnic essentials and joined his sister in appreciating my statuesque beauty.
“What an ugly creature.” Or not. “Are you ready to go?”
Harmony nodded. “I’m ready when you are. I was just spending some time with our little brother.”
“I really have no idea what Sister Nature was thinking when she came up with the idea for a draconequus,” Love sighed, shaking her head in disapproval. “I’ll bet that’s the reason why there aren’t any real draconequus around anywhere. She never put them on the planet because she didn’t want to be associated with a creature so homely.”
“I don’t know about that,” Harmony disagreed. “I think he’s kind of attractive.”
By the time she had realized what she said, it was too late.
“You have a crush on Discord!” Love squealed.
“I do not!” The white-hot blush on her cheeks did little to help her case. “Don’t start rumors!”
“Yes you do, yes you do~” Love sing-songed.
“That’s not what I meant!” It did not matter how loud she objected. Love had run away with the idea and there was no hope of him ever dropping it.
“It’s something right out of a drama. The good little girl longs for excitement in her life and falls for the bad boy.”
“That’s not it at all!”
“I knew I was onto something when I thought of making opposites attract,” Love applauded himself. A thought crossed his mind and he looked at his sister like he was trying to read her mind. “Or is this where the girl believes she can change the troubled boy for the better? Or has the fair maid’s heart been stolen by the brave hero who had saved her life? And a case of star-crossed lovers on top of everything else!”
“Cut it out!”
Love feigned a gasp. “And your own brother, too! The scandal!” But Harmony had had enough.
“None of us are actually even related and you know it!” The phoenix turned her back on her teasing brother, a thin line of black smoke rising from the top of her head. She had barely begun sulking before a magic glow lifted her off the ground and into a loving nuzzle.
“Sister, I think that it’s wonderful that you have a crush,” Love said sincerely. “If anything, it’s a compliment to me.” Too tired to try for a proper apology, Harmony settled for that and tried to salvage what was left of her day.
“Can we just go?”
Well that was... Huh.
“Sister, you aren’t doing your job well enough,” Love declared as he spread the checkered blanket at the top of a grassy hill outside Canterlot.
“What? Why do you say that?” Harmony swiveled her head in confusion.
Opening the top of the picnic basket with his hooves, he rummaged around the contents while he answered. “It’s like a jungle out there. Those ponies live like wild animals. Earlier today I saw somepony beat another to the ground just to steal their sandwich.” At the word, the alicorn pulled out a sandwich, holding it proudly. “This sandwich.”
Harmony swooped and stole the sandwich from his grip, guarding it defiantly.
“I think that this is a good time for a lesson,” she clicked. She began to dissect the sandwich, spreading the contents out on the blanket. “A kingdom is like a sandwich. You have the bread that holds everything together. But then there’s all the things between the bread that makes the sandwich a sandwich. Of course you need the meat for protein, the lettuce is good for your body and keeps it regular. Then you have the cheese which, when used in the perfect balance, brings out truly wonderful flavors. Tomatoes may make the bread soggy, but they’re still healthy like the lettuce.”
Love rolled his eyes as he continued to empty the basket, taking out a salad, some desserts, a bowl of bird seed, and a bottle of wine with two ornate challices.
“But only after you have the essentials,” Harmony continued, “can you put on the extra sauces. Do you understand?”
“Not even a little.”
“Okay. So the bread is like the rulers, because we keep everything together. And the tomatoes are—”
“Gross,” Love interrupted. He filled one of the chalices and took a generous sip. “Tomatoes are gross. I use my authority as bread to banish tomatoes forever.
"Brother, be serious."
Love shrugged. "I don't know, I've had eight chalices of wine today. And this makes twelve!" He threw his head back to swallow his drink and immediately lost his balance, spilling it all onto the grass.
Harmony was surprised when, instead of desperately trying to suck the wine out of the dirt, Love remained on his back, looking rather peaceful as he stared up at the clouds. She joined him and the two enjoyed the calm.
“So,” Love began uncertainly, “what do we do now?”
“Talk, mostly,” Harmony answered.
“About what?”
“Anything.” Harmony waited for Love to make the first move.
“So I wonder what a draconequus actually is.”
“What do you mean?” Harmony prayed that the topic of Discord would not come up again.
“I think it was something Nature had made to bother you.”
“What?”
“Well, she did it for the rest of us,” Love explained. “She made basilisks that could kill with a glance to get on Life’s nerves, and phoenixes that can never die to annoy Death.”
“I’m grateful for that.”
“Then she made those Zoni things for Time. You know, those flea things he was always complaining about?”
Harmony laughed at the memory. She had nearly forgotten all the little details from before she started life in Equestria. “It’s hard to believe that tiny little time traveling bugs were such a nuisance for him.
“It’s funny to think.” The two laughed together and then fell into a restful quiet for a short time.
“So what about you?” Harmony inquired.
“Me?”
“What did she make to get in the way of love?”
The pony thought for a moment and shrugged. “I don’t actually know. Maybe she never got around to it.”
As the day grew later and the sun began to set, ponies and creatures around the world returned to their homes. Taking shelter from the cold dark outside, they talked and laughed and ate together until they could barely keep their eyes open. The sound of yawning gave way to the sound of snoring and the ponies of Equestria waited for the coming dawn.
Only a single soul waited unhappily. Alone in her tower, Princess Luna stood guard of the night as she had for years and years. But as even danger seemed to wait until after its morning coffee before coming to work, there was never anything to stand guard against and barely anyone to stand guard over.
While the time was useful for reading and practicing her hobbies, some nights were harder than others for her. Setting the world paddleball record wasn’t as satisfying if no one was awake to document it. She had taught herself to play the violin and composed her own songs and lullabies, but she found with disappointment that she was perhaps too successful when anyone she played for quickly fell asleep. There was a short phase when she even tried that cup stacking fad before she realized that it was too asinine for even her.
So she would count the stars in the sky over and over until the sunrise signaled her to close her curtains and go to sleep until it was time to start all over again. And as Luna wrapped herself in a bedsheet cocoon to let the world know she had no interest in speaking to it at the moment, she sighed and wished she knew how to get ponies to notice her.
Had anyone in the room been awake, they might have noticed a small black scale scuttling out from behind Luna’s violin case and toward the bed.
I feel like someone really should have kept an eye on that.
As the rainbow stream of light faded away, Princess Celestia knew that it would be the longest night of her life. She began to cry when a dim glow from the night sky drew her attention to the pale moon—now stained with the image of her sister’s face.
The change had come so quickly over Luna. In one moment, she had gone from the demure and kind Princess of the Night to a twisted and cruel mare of darkness. Determined to force Equestria the beauty of her night, even if it killed them, Nightmare Moon gave Celestia no choice. Donning the Elements of Harmony and calling upon the will of her subjects, the Princess of the Sun struck her sister down in a single blow.
It was a pyrrhic victory. Celestia collapsed to her knees, feeling as defeated as her sister. The last of her family, her dearest sister, her companion for countless centuries had betrayed her. And in her final act of madness, she left a barb in her heart that could never be removed.
What am I, chopped liver? I can orphan and dethrone her in an afternoon on her birthday, and that only earns me a silver medal? I think that the judges are biased. This is blatant nepotism!
Anyway, Celestia was as lonely as a children’s cartoon enthusiast on Valentine’s Day, and not even the consoling embrace of her loyal pet was enough to take away the pain. And keeping in mind that said pet was the embodiment of peace and happiness, that says something about how stubborn Celestia was being about this whole thing. Some people just like to be miserable.
Celestia began a long, lonely walk back to Canterlot, leaving Philomena alone in the Everfree Forest. Sharing her friend’s same pain and understanding her wishes, the phoenix allowed the princess to have her privacy. She would need her own private moment herself. With a flap of wings, Philomena had transported herself to the top of the highest tree in the forest. With watering eyes, she aimed her beak to the moon and rang out with a loud, mournful cry.
“BROOOTHEEER!!!”
I lied about the mournful part. It was more of a snarl, really.
After several seconds the reply echoed in her mind, ringing with dubious warmth. ‘Yes, Dear Harmony?’
“Stop trying to kill everything!” Harmony screamed like an older sister catching her sibling sneaking around in her room. “I can’t believe you’re still doing this!”
‘I have no idea what you could possibly mean.’
Harmony folded her wings in front of her chest and tapped her foot impatiently. “I could see your influence on Luna dissolve away when the Elements of Harmony hit her.”
Death remained quiet.
"Well? Explain yourself!"
‘I just really thought that it would work this time.’
“You are just the-! Dght! Aungh! Hycht!” Harmony was barely able to stop her feathers from flaring and incinerating the tree she was perched on. That is, until Death helped her with a little push.
‘Come on, Sister, use your words like a big girl.’
“I hate you!!” Harmony screeched, turning the tree to ashes. She remained standing on thin air, too angry to even pretend gravity affected her. “I’m past the point of making excuses for you being so awful! I can’t even say, ‘Oh, well I dislike Death a little bit, but only on a personal level because I can see where he’s coming from and he has real reasons for being the way he is and I should love him as my brother despite his faults.’ I just honestly hate you! What is wrong with you?!”
‘Well, all of my plans are apparently terrible and my flesh body hurts when it pees, so there’s two things. Though the body thing is Life’s fault, so maybe it’s closer to one-and-a-half—’
Harmony gave a scream like a nightmare, thrashing about in the air and spewing jets of fire at random. Ponies who happened to witness the event believed they were fireworks in victory of Nightmare Moon’s destruction and gave a hearty cheer. Celestia, all alone in her weepy hollow, dully thought she should rise to slay this new, fiery demon. And not-so-sunny would have done just that, if she wasn’t just so darn sad about grounding her sister.
Harmony’s tantrum gradually slowed as her embers cooled, only finally stopping when a numbing breeze traced up her spine. Death was silent. Either he was in awe of his sister’s destructive might, or he was distracted by the energy of a rather nasty ten-cart pileup in Manehatten. Who can really say?
“Look at this, just look at this,” Harmony moped, lifting a barely-smoldering wing to her side. “I’m dying. You’re killing me, Brother. You’re literally killing me.”
If he had shoulders, Death would have shrugged. ‘Am I supposed to feel bad about that?’
Harmony didn’t have the time to snap back before a new voice barged into her mind.
‘Do you have any idea what time it is?’ Love scolded. For some reason, the image of a pony with a mane full of hair curlers and a face covered with some green paste immediately comes to mind. ‘How is a princess supposed to sleep with this crazy psycho light show going on outside? I’m seeing rainbows and forest fires and all kinds of insanity.’
“Brother Love, Brother Death is overstepping his bounds again,” Harmony huffed. “Celestia is absolutely heartbroken! Because of Brother Death, Celestia had to trap Luna in the moon to save all life on Equestria!”
‘You can’t prove that some life wouldn’t have survived,’ Death grumbled.
‘Oh, Celestia sent Luna to the moon?’ Love inhaled through his teeth. ‘That is rough, Sister. That’s elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough.’
‘Can we all agree that this suffering is all Sister Harmony’s fault?’ Death asked. ‘It was her trinkets that sent bluehorse to the moon.’
‘It was? Wow, Sis, how could you do that to a pony?’
“Don’t agree with him!” Harmony snapped.
‘On other hand,’ Love started, ‘this means that I can have her room now. Good thinking, Sis!’
“Don’t agree with me either!”
‘What do you want from me? Geez!’ Love sniffed. He decided not to dwell on his sister’s rudeness and cut off contact with his family. There would be time to come up with some way to get back at her later. For the moment, there were plans to be made. There was a new living space to be redecorated.
It wasn’t like Cadence wasn’t getting any sleep tonight anyway, not with the lightshows and the family feuding and the very distracting wild sex romps. Leaving a pair of confused and insulted stallions alone in her bed, she trotted out of her chamber and across the palace. Flying would have been the fastest way to travel, but she needed time to brace herself for whatever tacky vulgarity would greet her on the other side of the loner princess’s doorway.
She kicked down the door and immediately recoiled in fright. It was even worse than she feared. Everything was decorated in dark blues and blacks, with Victorian drapes and a children’s bed comforter with glow-in-the-dark stars. Luna’s kludge of personal belongings was an even greater disgrace. Instruments, playing cards, yo-yos, juggling sticks, puzzles, and paintings littered the walls and cabinets and floors. Sitting on a chair was an unopened home magic kit (which really strikes me as the oddest thing there when you think about it). But worst of all, there wasn’t a single vanity mirror in sight!
It was horrific! Atrocious! The greatest crime against ponykind Luna had ever committed and her true nightmarish legacy. Did Luna really bring her one-night-stands back to this cesspool of lameness? Or did she have to drag them in kicking and screaming? Cadence was certain then that if Luna had nobody to warm her bed, then it was no wonder she went so coo-coo-banana-pants.
Cadence was sure she would be doing a service to Luna’s memory, and more importantly to herself, by having everything in the room hauled away, shot, and buried in a shallow grave. She was proud of herself for her thoughtfulness. Harmony’s lectures on compassion really were sinking in.
Meanwhile, back in the slightly-smoldering forest, everyone’s favorite phoenix was having a harder time turning the lemons life gave her into lemonade. So she decided to file a complaint.
“Sister Life,” Harmony spoke authoritatively, “I am disappointed in you. I had expected you to be keeping a closer watch over Brother Death. You are meant to be our leader and uphold the balance between us all. But tonight you have, uh,” Harmony’s feathery forehead ruffled. “Failed us and... um...”
‘Um?’ Death jeered. ‘Don’t tell me you ran out of steam. I was enjoying that so much. Very riveting stuff.’
Harmony stared in surprise at the air where she imagined Life was floating. “I just was not expecting to talk for so long. It feels a little strange. Usually I get interrupted by Life before I can say a word.” The phoenix shifted her shoulders uncomfortably before trying again. “As I was saying, Sister Life, I put my faith in you to uphold your duties—”
‘Did anyone die?’ Life asked curtly.
“Well, no, but he tried—”
‘Then I did my job and you’re welcome!’ Life snapped. ‘I don’t care! Look, I’m busy right now.’
For the first time in history, Death felt genuinely insulted by his sister. ‘And just what is more important than yelling at me?’
Life took a few moments to deliver a huffy answer. ‘I’ve got stuff, okay? Things.’
‘What kinds of things, exactly? Harmony had the distinct feeling that she was about to be relegated to the backstage of yet another discussion. And once again, Life and Death proved their deep emotional bond with each other through their ability to ignore everything else in their determination to drive the other insane.
‘If you must know, a griffin alchemist is about to discover the secret to eternal life and I don’t want to miss it.’
‘Well that sounds neat. And universally desirable. It sure would be a shame if that cliff his nest is built on crumbled into the ocean...’
‘Don’t you dare!’
‘Too late.’ Death laughed. ‘Look at him tumble. Ouch, grabbing that ledge was a bad idea. Life, you’re the expert, should his wings be bent like that?’
Harmony plugged her ears as the flood gates broke open and Life unleashed a verbal assault that could have stunned an army of Jewish mothers into silence. When the barrage had ended and the smoke had cleared, Death remained standing and looking satisfied to have regained his sister’s attention. Harmony was just glad to have regained some of her hearing.
‘That was colorful. And seeing someone else’s plan get foiled definitely helped lift my mood after what’s-her-name blew it,’ Death sighed. ‘Next time I’ll try it with the other princess. Or maybe a new one will crop up.’
“Brother Death!” Harmony cried, “Leave Celestia and Luna and my ponies out of your doomsday schemes!”
‘Why should I? You’re the only one who had a problem with this one.’
A new voice rattled into Harmony’s head. ‘I beg to differ.’
Harmony lit up like a firework. She never felt strongly one way or the other about her eldest brother Time. He always kept to himself mostly, preferring to observe an event play out and then spend the rest of eternity pondering on it. But if he was going to speak in her defense for once, then she would happily find some room in her cramped head to let him in.
‘Sorry for my delay,’ Time said. ‘We are discussing the matter of that alicorn royal who prorogued the journey of the celestial bodies, correct? Truly a shuddersome affair. Halting the passage of day and night.’ Time ticked. ‘It is almost as despicable as that unshaven unicorn from eons ago with his time traveling scheme. He undoubtedly learned the spell by studying those vexatious Zoni.’
Death rolled his eyes at his colorless older brother and grumbled, ‘Well, she’s in the moon now.’
‘I do not believe so.’ Every ear perked at the comment. ‘The last I witnessed, a large white alicorn was escorting her to a bedroom in a palace. It was rather gauche. Completely decorated with mirrors and pinks and portraits of Brother Love. It was a stroke of serendipity that those five ponies and their unicorn friends discovered your tools, Sister Harmony.’
‘Well that is wonderful. Now I get to look forward to my plan failing twice.’ Death moaned.
Time was silent for a moment. ‘I do not understand.’
‘You’re early!’ Death boomed. ‘You just told me something that hasn’t happened yet! Thanks for nothing, Brother! Now I have nothing to look forward to for... how early are you, exactly?’
‘Er… One moment…’ Time hummed quietly to himself. ‘It would appear that my blunder has set me a millenium ahead. My sincerest apologies. I will be on my way, and I strongly advise you all to lose memory of what I have revealed.’
‘Why? Could I somehow punch a hole in the universe to change the outcome?
‘Negative. But I will suffer a horrible headache each time it is brought up.’
‘Interesting...’ Death said slowly. ‘But could your headache possibly drive you to accelerate every star in the sky cycle and trigger the heat death of the universe?’
Ordinarily, Harmony would just half-listen to the others as she waited until a turn to speak herself. But this was a first in history’s winding track, a development that not even Time would have foreseen. Harmony was concocting a plan.
No, not a plan. A plan would include something simple and broad, like a goal of making peace reign forever or something thoughtless. This was not so plain. Sister Harmony, the cute and wimpy punching bag of our family and occasional bedwetter, had a bona fide scheme.
It was a bit underhanded for her liking, but she was forced into it herself by an underhanded scheme. All she had to do was wait. Just wait. Waiting is so simple when you have all the freedom in the world, I imagine. But she would wait for the next thousand years to pass when Nightmare Moon would return from her prison.
When the time came closer, she would take a page from Love’s book and ‘suggest’ Celestia take on a student, particularly a purple unicorn. A loyal student who would be at her side wherever the princess went. A student bred for destinies decided for her before her great-great-grandparents were ever born.
No matter what revenge Nightmare Moon plots, it is already doomed to failure. Time has revealed her destiny. A purple unicorn would stop Luna with the aid of five others, doubtlessly a party of friends she had known all her life.
Reacting to Death’s presence was likely what caused her Elements to banish Luna as far away as possible. But with the evil spirits’ essence expunged from her, the results are not so grim. All she needed was to be patient. And in a thousand years’ time, her plan would come to fruition! And at long last, peace and harmony would reign over Equestria!! Forever!!!
Throwing back her head, Harmony screeched with a mad laugh that echoed all across Equestria only to stop at all in an instant. She blinked once or twice, unable to believe that noise just came out of her beak.
“Is this how Death feels all the time?”
I don’t mind saying that I am pleased about how this all played out. And not just because my two enemies are broken-hearted, lonely, and defeated, it’s because I learned that one day I will get to see Little Luna again.
Because now I know that this prison can’t last forever...
In an older branch of the Canterlot library, where not much is really fun, exciting, or younger than fifty years, a funny little filly giggled as she flipped through a geography book. She had just learned to read, and though the old tome was far above her recommended reading level, she was content to look at the pictures and make up stories about them.
She turned the page with her hoof and stared at the little diagrams about rainfall, frost cycles, and erosion. In particular, her eyes were glued to four identical photos of a canyon, the only difference between them being the fact that the canyon was a little deeper each year.
“The rain is acid!” she proclaimed. “The rain is dirt acid.” She stared at it a little longer, then suddenly raised her head. Propping herself higher on the table, she yelled. “Hey mooom!” when there was no reply, the filly only yelled louder. “Hey MOOOOOOOOOOM!”
A pale mare skittered around the corner. “Twilight Sparkle!”
“Hey mom, do the—“
“How many times do I have to tell you it’s rude to yell in the library?”
“Whoops. Sorry mom. But I gotta question.”
“Yes…?”
“Why hasn’t everything melted yet?”
Twilight Velvet stared at her daughter, tired and nonplussed. “Slow down, Twily. Explain to me exactly what you’ve been reading.”
Twilight Sparkle frowned, poking at the book as if her words were very obvious. “Like, rain melts dirt, right? Do Pegasi stop the rain from being acid?”
“Rain is not an acid, deary,” Velvet reassured, “You don’t have to worry about everything melting.”
Twilight huffed. “But how does it melt out giant rocky places if it’s not an acid?”
The mare thought for a moment. “I’m sure the book will tell you, if you’re a good girl and can read quietly.”
“Ooh, yes, I can be both of those!”
“Twily,” Velvet empathetically shushed her daughter, and Twilight giggled quietly into her ankles.
“Now be a good girl so mommy can get her work done, okay Twily?”
“Kaaaayyy,” Twilight breathed, trying to say the word as quietly as she could.
And so did the little filly return to her book, content to stare at pictures for the rest of the day, just as she had done yesterday, the day before, and as she had done for almost every day she was old enough to look at a book instead of chew on it (For the record, chewing on books is far more gratifying than reading them).
But this day would be a little different.
Today, big bird feet landed directly on her book.
“No! Dumb owl!” She swatted at the feet, splaying herself across the sizeable textbook. “Don’t poop here! Mom’ll get mad again!”
She looked up. What she saw was not, in fact, the head archivist’s incontinent owl, but something much more grand. And much more confusing.
“Fire bird?” Twilight asked.
Philomena the Phoenix ruffled her feathers and cooed softly.
“Hello firebirdy,” Twilight said with a wave. “Sorry to call you an owl. Please don’t poop on the book, though.”
If it was possible for birds to look offended, this one did. But in a sympathetic way. In a gust of wind that sounded much like a bellow of flame, the phoenix alighted the back of the purple pony’s chair. Twilight stared up at it.
“Do you want me to read you a story, firebirdy?”
Philomena nodded gracefully and cooed again.
“Okay!” Twilight shouted, immediately forgetting her mother’s words. “Well I hope that you like stories about rocks, firebirdy!” She took a deep breath. “Once upon a time, there were a whole BUNCH of rocks. They were in a wrestling tournament, and the goal in a wrestling tournament between rocks is to pin the opponent for three… years. Yeah, years. It’s a long time, even for rocks. See? There’s a picture.” She waved at a drawing of the crackpot theory called ‘continental drift.’
The phoenix cooed encouragingly, or at least, Twilight Sparkle took it for encouragement, because she instantly set off on a long, meandering story with no direction and all the enthusiasm, the likes of which can only be written by toddlers.
I mean, you wouldn’t even believe the ideas I get from dropping books in front of toddlers. I may be the embodiment of chaos, but it’s like order never even existed to those kids!
But as soon as Twilight dove into her dramatic retelling of the history of the planet, the phoenix looked around nervously. She shifted from one side of the chair to the other, looking at open doors and clucking softly. If one was a bird whisperer, or possibly a very skilled telepath, one could probably figure out the bird was thinking.
See, Philomena was pretty much making herself bait. And she was trying to hook herself a big white peacock.
‘Celestiaaaa...’ Philomena whined to herself. ‘I’ve been missing for hours now... Aren’t you going to come look for your pet? Please, just look for your pet...’ The phoenix looked down at the energetic filly. ‘Notice me, Celestia! Notice who I’m with! This is the most important false decision of your long life, Princess!’
Yet, through half a dozen stories about rocks, ocean, and one particularly creative tale about rain as an invading army, not a single soul showed up in that library.
I mean, since when has Celestia cared about her fancy pet bird?
~~~
The Spirit of Love grumbled. Every time he decided to really cut loose, really tried to gallivant about the time and set the world spinning on his love, he was stopped. Every time he stepped a little out of line, maybe tried to gather the scant five or ten stallions and mares he needed for a good, old fashioned orgy, ‘Auntie’ would come charging from the castle, all holy fire and rainbow brimstone. Sure, Cadence could pin the blame on some other saps, but the next time he tried again, Celestia would turn up even sooner. It was like old sun-butt was attuned to spirit shenanigans or something.
And Cadence had proof now that the ‘kiss-and-make-it-up brainwashing-is-such-a-dirty-word’ spell could eventually be fought off. Sombra had once fought her so vigorously in just a few years’ worth of daily scrubbing, and he was no all-powerful alicorn ruler. She figured that she only had one or two brainwashings left on the old nag, and it wouldn’t be worth it to use them up on something all small as an orgy. It was better to save them for a special occasion, like a holiday or a forgotten birthday.
So she helplessly watched as the guests of her latest failed get-together embarrassedly bustled out of her chamber, leaving her alone in her sexytimes robe with nothing to keep her company except for some griffin feathers, half a dozen handcuffs, cans of whipped cream, bowls of taffy, and her Sister flying through the window and telepathically chattering about some purple toddler.
“But I can’t tell Celestia about her, because she has to come on the idea herself, and--” Harmony ruffled her feathers in annoyance and gave a pathetic cry. “Ooh, I thought she cared about me, Love! I was missing for days and she didn’t even send a guard out to look for me! So now how am I supposed to get her to notice Twilight Sparkle?”
Love chewed on some taffy absentmindedly. “Show up in a dream and speak it to her? Hell, you could even berate her for not minding you more. Two birds with one stone.”
“I can’t do that,” Harmony huffed, “dreams aren’t my domain! They’re the domain of, well, our late Brother Dream. For the short time he was around.” Harmony stared off in the distance, reliving some long, long forgotten memory. “My goodness, the Sleepy Era was strange.”
“Preaching to the choir, sister. You’d be so surprised how few erotic dreams ponies get. Did I ever tell you that?”
“Yes. Loudly. For all five hundred years of the Sleepy Era.”
“Well I was dying from love-lack, what do you want from me?” Love seized a few feathers and gags and began juggling them with magic. He found that his best ideas came when he wasn’t thinking. “What about that blue thing? Lumpy Moon Princess?”
“You mean Luna?”
“I think I remember my own fake aunt’s name.”
For the sake of her own sanity, Harmony powered forward. “We can’t ask Luna to do this because she’s on the moon.”
Love frowned. “What? Haven’t we gotten a ladder long enough to reach her yet?”
“If I had a week I couldn’t explain all the reasons why that wouldn’t work,” Harmony said flatly. “Besides, that’s what this Twilight Sparkle is for.”
Love chewed on that thoughtfully. Actually, he was thinking more about a piece of taffy stuck in his maw, but his thoughts wandered on topic eventually.
“Wait,” he said, “that’s all we need this prophesized pony to do? Get lumpy down from the moon?”
Harmony shifted on her perch. “Well… that’s all Brother Time mentioned… I am not entirely certain how.”
“Then screw it, it’s not that important.”
Harmony huffed, “It is important! It’s about preserving nature!”
“Wait, Sister Nature is back from the dead? Er, from the chaos?”
“Of course she isn’t. But what I was trying to say, is that if Time says something about the future, it’s best to just try and aim for that goal. And those goals are as stated:” Harmony’s thoughts suddenly took on an air of formality. “One, make this Twilight Sparkle a student of Celestia’s. Two: Encourage her to free Luna, quite possibly with my Elements...”
“Those hippie-dippie trinkets you used to trap Brother Discord in stone? What’s to master about them? All anyone ever does is strike a pose and shout ‘full on friendship’ and problem solved.”
Harmony’s eyes narrowed. “Do you want a complicated explanation of the intricacies of Harmony and its place in the world? Or do you want to help me come up with a reasonable plan to convince Celestia to take on a random archivist’s daughter as a student?”
Love slowly chewed on his taffy, staring up at Harmony.
“Visit her in the night and claim it’s a dream?”
“No!” Harmony squawked.
Love grumbled and fished through his taffy bowl with a hoof. “Walk right up to Celestia and tell her point blank if it’s so important.”
“I already said that I can’t.”
“Yeah, yeah, like origin of ideas is so important to convincing ponies what to do. You know what I think?” Love shot his Sister a leering grin. “You’re having too much fun pretending to be a dumb bird for two thousand years.”
“Mmm…” Harmony stared at the ceiling. “That’s one thing. Another is some… physical limitations.”
Love stared at his Sister. “I’m not going to say what I think you just said. Why don’t you just explain it to me.”
Harmony sighed, “Thank you. You see… after so long in this body. Dying. Regenerating. Dying again. Reforming again. Body after body, none ever speaking aloud…” Harmony made a squawking sound. “This body!” she squawked and strained, coughing and hacking. Mentally, she called out to her Brother. “It can no longer speak!”
“Wow.” Love blinked, then stared down at her own parts. “It’s true what they say. You use it or you lose it.”
“So,” Harmony continued, “we need a way to tell Celestia to take on a personal student while making her seem like it was either a vision or her idea.”
“Or I can go up and talk to her,” Love said, “if this is just sooo important...”
Harmony sighed pointedly. “I doubt she’d take your advice anyway. You are rather ignorant of official matters…”
Love snapped, “What do you mean by that?!”
“Well, she still thinks you’re still so young and untrained…”
“What? Psh, no.” Love stood proud and tall, throwing his mane around his shoulders like he meant business. “Auntie Celestia loves me!”
~~~~~
“Hey, Auntie Celestia! I want you to meet somepony!”
Celestia looked up from her mounds of perfectly ordered paperwork, the kind of paperwork that just demanded a stiff breeze to blow it out the window, and smiled radiantly down at the hot-tempered pink Princess.
“Princess Cadence,” Celestia greeted warmly. “It’s good to see you again.”
“I had a vision, auntie!” In a flash of blue magic, Twilight Sparkle was plopped unceremoniously on top of Celestia’s desk, scattering papers everywhere. (It wasn’t a stiff breeze, but I must say I approve of the results. I give it a seven out of ten.) Celestia took it in stride though, the unfettered hag. At least the little purple pony look absolutely dumbstruck.
Love continued, as grandly as he could muster, he declared, “This pony. She is going to grow up and do great things.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “I am?!”
Celestia gave the couple an easy, practiced smiled.
“Of course, my niece,” she said evenly. “All my subjects are special, and every contribution is great. Now, little pony—”
“Are you the Princess?!” Twilight burst out. “Really really the Princess?!”
“Yes, I am,” Celestia replied kindly. “And what is your name, my little pony?”
“I’m Twilight Sparkle, miss Princess!”
Celestia smoothly nodded, smile still plastered firmly to her face. “What a pretty little name. You don’t happen to be the daughter of the archivist Twilight Velvet, do you?”
“How did you knooow?!” Twilight squealed. “Are you a mind reader?”
Celestia laughed exactly the right amount one would at a child. “Your mother works for me, does she not?”
“No? I mean, maybe? She works for the library.”
“Well, your mother keeps the library very well organized for me.” Celestia smartly patted the filly on her silly little empty head. “Can you tell her that for me?”
“Okay!” Twilight Sparkle leapt off the desk, and Celestia’s smile swept majestically back to Cadence.
“Can you see that young Twilight Sparkle gets back to the library safely, Cadence?”
“Sure, whatever, but uh.” Cadence barely looked at the fleeing purple pony, and instead leaned in close to her ‘auntie.’ “Seriously. I’m getting some very special vibes from this filly. I think you should pay attention to her, or something. I’m telling you, she’s great.”
Celestia smiled serenely in a way that says that she would never actually strangle anyone in their sleep but that doesn’t mean she won’t think about it really hard, and dismissed her niece to follow after the filly.
Cadence, on the other hand, or hoof, or whatever, decided that, with mind control off the table, this was a pretty good effort. And she double decided that the little purple blob could probably find her way back the library fine enough on her own. She decided to tromp off in the right direction, then immediately take a switchback and stop by her favorite cafe for a nutella-banana-strawberry-pepperoni crepe, just to reward herself for another perfect persuasion.
But to her distress, as soon as she rounded the corner, the purple blob was still hanging around. Worse, she actually started following Cadence.
“Hey Princess Cadence,” Twilight pouted. “You said there’d be candy.”
“You got to meet two Princesses,” Cadence said. “Isn’t that good enough for you?”
“I gueeesss… But…” the filly pouted. “I really wanted some candy.”
“Well geez. You got the looks for it. Why don’t you go take some?”
Twilight Sparkle stared up at the princess, absolutely clueless. “Take some? Like stealing? I’m not a stealer. Stealers are bad.”
“Nah, not stealing. Just asking, except the answer can never be no.” Cadence looked the filly up and down, appraising her. “Yeah, you got that cute innocent look about you. Go. Give it a shot.” Love waved at a guard. “Whine at somebody else.”
Twilight waddled over and whined at a guard. And, for some reason, Cadence decided to stay and watch. The cafe crepes weren't going anywhere, so she had time to see how this played out.
Spoiler alert, it worked as well as a paper-tissue condom. Twilight whined and whined, gripping his hoof and begging him for candy. But the guard just tried to shoo her away, looking supremely awkward while doing so. Eventually Twilight stuck her tongue out at the stallion, pouted, and ran back to Cadence. She glared up at the Princess, absolutely disgusted.
“You said the answer was never no, but he said no, so you’re a liar! Liar! Meanie!”
“Yeah, well, you kind’ve overdid it kid. You gotta play it coy.”
Twilight looked confused. “Coy?”
Love struck a pose, acting shy and demure. “Cooooy~”
Twilight giggled, “Like the fish?!”
“Ffghlf. No. There’s nothing Coy about koi. So--”
Twilight interrupted with another fit of giggles. “Coy about Koi! Koi coy!”
Love stared down at the giddy toddler. “Yeah, uh, it’s not that funny, kid. Now do you want a lesson or not?”
“Yes! Oh, wait,” she tried to stifle her giggles, and bowed slightly to the pink Princess. “Yes please, my dear lady.”
Love stared down at the child, stroking her chin. “Well, your manners are top notch, I’ll give you that.”
“Thanks!” Twilight Sparkle beamed, “I’m a really great learner!”
“Good, then this should be easy. See, that is what you’ve got to do.” Cadence thought that she would slap a leg around the child’s shoulders, act as if she was divulging the secrets of the world onto her little charge. But it was harder than it first looked, and she was forced to get on her knees to perform the action. “You’ve got to make your targets feel guilty, yeah. You’ve got the whining down right. But, more importantly, you also got to make it seem like you’ll be a happy camper once they give you what you want.”
Twilight nodded slowly, frowning straight ahead. “So I gotta...” Her frown increased in concentration. After a moment, she turned to Cadence. “How do I do that? Sounds kinda hard.”
“Nah, it’s kind’ve like this.” Cadence shot to her feet and smiled at the ceiling. “Boy, I sure wish I had candy!” Her face fell and she pouted. “But oh no. I have no candy. Oh, and make sure to kick some rocks and stuff.” She mimicked the motion. “Siiigh…” Cadence scoped the scene, and in a flash, she shot to the side of another guard, all sunshine and smiles. “Hello mister guard!”
The random guard stiffened, staring at Cadence.
“Hello. Princess.”
“Hey guard, you wouldn’t…” Cadence smiled in perfect sorrow. “Do you happen to have any candy? I mean, it’s okay if you don’t. I was just, you know, craving…”
The guard seemed to shiver in his armor, ducking in it like some turtle. “What do you want from me, Cadence? What do you really, really want?”
Cadence retreated. “Geez, what’s gotten into you?”
“I have a wife now Cadence. I can’t just frolic about with—“
“Oh, right.” Cadence huffed, passing the guard and waving back at him. Twilight skittered around her heels, trying to keep up with Cadence’s stride. “Another word of advice. Don’t hit old targets. They get really suspicious the second time around, and you have to be extra careful if you want anything out of them.”
“Okay!” Twilight cheered.
Cadence stared down at the purple pony, puzzled. “Okay? Really?”
“Yep, I think I got it!”
“Then uh… Look.” The pair stepped out of the castle doors, and into an enclosed garden. Noble ponies wandered here and there, as well as the occasional guard and one old gardner. Cadence waved at the old donkey with hedge shears. “There’s your target. Go swindle some candy from him.”
Twilight nodded firmly. She paused. She looked up at the Princess, firmly nonplussed.
“What’s a swindle?” Twilight asked.
“I think it’s some kind of weasel. Just go do what I told you.”
Cadence watched at the little ball of purple snot rushed up to the merchant, then slowed down. She mumbled something. She kicked at the ground, just like Cadence had. The purple filly looked brightly up at the gardner. He laughed. Twilight giggled, then tried to look sad again.
‘It’s so obvious she’s faking,’ Love mentally grumbled. ‘She didn’t learn a darn thing from me, did she?’
Thoroughly disappointed, and strangely upset for it, Cadence decided, yes, maybe now’s the time to go get that nutella crepe. But before she could even take one step away, Twilight Sparkle rushed over, pleased as punch and waving a brightly colored wrapper around in her imprecise aura.
“I got it, I got it!” Twilight yelled through a mouthful of toffee spit. “Princess Cadence! Igotit, gotit, goddit!”
Cadence beamed proudly. “Yep. You got it, kid.”
“Man!” Twilight said brightly. “I really thought you were like, the evil Princess Cadence!”
“What—?!”
“But you’re super cool!” Twilight almost seemed to dance in place, she was so excited. “You wanna have a play date some time?!”
“I uh…” Cadence flicked her mane around her shoulders, a funny sort of feeling filling up her nostrils. “Kid. It’s super weird for an fine, hot piece of, uh, butt—“ Twilight giggled at that, but the word just felt awkward in Cadence’s mouth. “It’d be weird, okay? I can’t go on a date with you.”
“Awww, but I hang out with Miss Mocha all the time. At least, I did until her parents moved to Manehatten…”
“What? Miss Mocha?”
Twilight nodded vigorously. “Yeah, she was my babysitter! We used to play a ton, but now she’s not here, and I gotta hang out with my mom or dad during the day.”
“Guess that’s why Sister Harmony only found you recently…” Love mumbled. “How long have you been around the castle? You’re like, what, twenty years old?”
Twilight Sparkle was right on the money on that one. Love never paid attention enough to actually understand how rapidly ponies age. All he knew was that one time he confused what he thought was a miniature for something called a colt and a lot of folks weren’t happy when he started hitting on him.
But damned if Love was going to back down from the challenge.
“Uh... fifteen?!”
“Noooooo...”
“Thirty-seven...?”
“Nooooo! No, that’s way too high!”
“Thirty-one.”
“You’re really bad at this game!” Twilight giggled.
“Yeah, guess so.” Love shrugged. What did she care about how old someone was? Anyway, kids have really dumb senses of humor, Cadence decided.
Twilight grinned cheesily. “No more guesses?”
“Nah.”
“Oh. But...” Twilight toed the ground and sighed loudly, “I guess we don’t have to play. But...” Then, the little scamp smiled. “It would make me really, really happy to...”
“Hey!” Cadence snapped, “You can’t use my techniques against me! You think you can outdo the master?!”
“Maybe!” Twilight squealed, dancing in place.
“Well you can’t!”
“Darn!” Twilight Sparkle stomped enthusiastically in place. Then she looked around, and back up at the Spirit of Love. “Well, I dunno how much time I can spend playing, but I should probably get back now. I hope you come by the library some more!”
“Eh... Yeah, sure.”
Twilight squeaked happily. “Yes yes yes! I’ll see you later, Princess Cadence!”
And with that, Twilight Sparkle charged off. And strangely, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza L'amante Supremi Ed Il Bevitore Di Succo Di Gatto Il Governatore Che Non Rovina Mai Tutto La Luce Che Eclissa Il Sole E La Bellezza Che Oscura La Notte Chi Ha Qualcosa Nei Suoi Denti La Potrebbe Prende Che Fuori Per Me Che Fotte Lavoro Di Squadra, the Spirit of Love, was a little sad to see the snotball go.
You see, for once, someone took her advice. Twilight didn’t scorn her for it, or have any ulterior motive, and definitely didn’t need to be brainwashed. And some day, that little energetic little filly would be the student of the Real Princess. She’d save the world from Mopey the Gothic Lumpicorn, and probably do a bunch of other stuff that was really neat. Cadence figured she’d be pretty good at neat stuff. After all, she was a good “learner.”
And the Spirit of Love would still just be Cadence. She’d keep eating cake alone and try to weasel the occasional date out from under Celestia’s nose. She had been doing that for thousands of years, and at first she thought that was all she wanted from life.
But for the first time since she had gotten her body, Love wondered if just maybe that kind of life was just a little bit... unsatisfying.
~~~~~
“I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner!”
Harmony watched as Cadence charged around her room. It almost seemed aimless to Harmony, if a bit Energetic.
“Brother Love, what are you doing?” Harmony said. “Did you talk to Celestia? Did your plan work?”
“Fff, I dunno.” Love enthusiastically tore out all her dresser drawers, tossing the contents everywhere. When she finally found the gaudy cloth she was looking for, she threw herself on the bed. “I’ve lived with smarmy sun-butt for a thousand years and I still don’t got a good read on her. Signs point to maybe…?”
“Then what’s gotten you all excited?”
“Aha! Glad I didn’t clean out all of what’s-her-name’s stuff.” Cadence bounced up from her pillows, a tiny purple circle held proudly in her aura. “A hair scrunchie!”
“What’s that got to—?”
“I can’t believe I never thought of it before! Oh, Sister Harmony!” the alicorn swelled happily. “I’m going to be taking on a student!”
Harmony rolled her eyes. “What do you need a student for?”
“Well Celestia’s getting one for whatever virtue she represents. Law, or Harmony Lite or something. I’m thinking I need a love student. Someone who will listen to everything I say, because I am the foremost expert!”
“Okay…” Now Harmony eyed her brother warily. Whenever the spirit got an idea stuck in his head, there was no telling what madness would come about. “So who’s the lucky stallion…”
“Silly! It’s going to be a girl! I mean, I am in a female body!”
Startling insight about how Love sees himself and her confusing pronouns aside, Harmony dared to ask: “Okay, so who’s the lucky mare?”
Love beamed at himself in the mirror. He have never looked younger in all his years as Mi Amore Cadenza. Literally. Tie back her hair, throw in some gaudy bows, and paint on just a couple little beauty pockmarks, and bam! Teenager Cadence.
Love turned, and beamed at his sister.
“I’m going to babysit and train the young Twilight Sparkle!”
Harmony gaped at her Brother.
“That’s Celestia’s student, Brother,” Harmony said. “Twilight Sparkle is going to be the ‘law’ student. That is what Brother Time has predicted.”
“Well,” Love huffed, still smiling high on the winds of her impulse. “I’m not going to wait another thousand years to find another twerp that likes me.”
“What?” Harmony squawked incredulously, “The girl likes you?”
“Course she does! She wanted to be my friend! But I’m going to be more than her friend, oh yes!” Love strode for the door, grin wild. “I’m going to teach her everything I know!”
“Brother Love, be reasonable!” Harmony cried, light panic settling in as she flew after her Brother. “Isn’t she a little young for your kind of lessons?”
“Well I gotta start slow, don’t I? She’s gotta figure out how to walk the walk for a few years, and then maybe I’ll move her up to kissing the boy she likes! Or girl! Ooh!” Love was beside himself. “I can help her understand that love has no gender borders! Or species borders! Or age borders!”
Or any semblance of decency or restraint from the sound of things.
“And that sometimes in the heat of the moment it’s okay to try new things on a lover’s body without really asking! This is so exciting!”
Harmony was appalled, absolutely beside herself in horror. “This is a terrible idea!”
“C’mon, Sister,” Love happily cried. “have a little faith in me!”
“I have no such faith!” Harmony wailed, “You’ll traumatize the poor child!”
“Well, if I do,” Love smiled wickedly, “I’ll just memory wipe her. No harm, no foul, right?”
Harmony inhaled sharply.
“I should have sent you back!” Harmony squealed. “All these years, with your selfish whims and desires! You’ve always been hurting the ponies! But I thought, in my little heart, these were sensible adults. They would be able to see themselves through. And I thought maybe your time spent here would show you better ways! That eventually some of my lessons would sink in! But this is where I draw the line! I will not stand for this!”
With a joyful flourish of her horn, the teenaged Cadence whipped up a spell. A rain of ooey gooey love bubbles twirled from her aura. Harmony squawked loudly as she was enveloped in pink bubbly hearts, and slapped into the wall, stuck.
“Re-lax!” Love giggled. “I might not even get the job… though from the looks of, they really need a sitter so… I’m probably going to get what I want, like always. Ta!”
And, unable to oppose, Harmony watched her brother whip around the corner and out of sight, off to doom Equestria.
With a long, low whine, she thought, “I am so bad at whatever it is I do.”
Twilight Sparkle kicked her little legs wildly, happily heaving herself atop the couch, smiling up at her beloved babysitter. Cadence knew from weeks of exposure to the purple blob that only one of three things could come from the encounter: She was going to complain about her stomach, wipe her nose on the couch (a trick Cadence had taught her), or ask an endless series of questions that would continue until someone came to her rescue.
Whichever one it was, Cadence was not in the mood for the toddler today. Sure, it had been fun at first. Twilight sat in rapt attention for Cadence’s entire thesis about the unspoken language of makeup, that was something special. And when they picked through the parent’s dresser for nice outfits, Twilight was very happy to ‘play dress up!’ And she already seemed to understand quite well the concept of playing ‘hard to get,’ as the toddler often hid in the house, giggling over a picture book and running when Cadence came near. She even taught her about the birds and the bees, and their bloody, unending war with each other.
But some days, it almost seemed like not a single thing had sunk in. Cadence asked Twilight to practice putting on lipstick, but instead she drew a smeared tree on the sink. She tried to show the toddler the benefits of proper attractive composure, and all the kid did was reduce herself to a giggle fit, rolling around and making faces. And when Cadence quizzed Twilight on her makeup thesis, the child brightly replied:
“Matching colors are really pretty, and bright colors mean you’re really happy to spend time with boys! But if you’re TOO bright with the colors, then, then the boys will get all scared and hate you for being soooo pretty!”
Which... yes, that was a point Cadence had made. But there was so much more to it than that why did none of it sink in? Isn’t she supposed to be really smart?!
So, before even a single week of training had passed, Cadence was done. It was hard. And her motto was that if something was hard, it wasn’t worth doing. (Which, funnily enough, is the opposite of how she usually approached things.) Wanting a student was stupid anyway. She had only agreed to continue babysitting so she could get a chance to meet with that strapping young stallion. The one that was clearly too perfect to be actually related to the little purple snotball. Any minute now he would walk in the door, and she would finally seize her opportunity.
“Cadence,” Twilight Sparkle piped up, “do you think that I might be a princess like you one day?”
Cadence winced, having already forgotten Twilight was there. She wished it would have just been a runny nose.
And like the sunlight above shining down on the prisoners of a pit, Cadence had the briefest flicker of hope that an annoying child would be satisfied with asking only one question. That joy fell like a scoop of ice cream falling off a cone.
“Cadence, do you think that I may be even prettier than you one day?”
“Listen, you uppity little turd--”
The creaking of hinges immediately transformed Cadence’s veil of fire into an expression of bliss, anxiety, and unchecked teenage moodiness. A flick of her tail into Twilight’s snout sent the girl falling onto her back like a helpless, giggling turtle. That gave Cadence the time she needed to complete her most crucial task since arriving in Equestria: she was going to ask out a boy.
Each step she took to cross the living room to the front door brought a new surge of emotional flux.
Clip.
She just knew, knew, knew he would say yes, yes, yes!
Clop.
But what if he didn’t? What if he turned her down? What if he already has a marefriend?
Clip.
Her Shining Armor would never do that to her. They were clearly meant to be together forever. Clearly. She decided so.
Clop.
But of course he would have dozens of other admirers all competing for his attention. How dare they stand in her way? She’d destroy them all!
Clip.
Right after her perfect date with Shiny~!
The moment of truth had come. He was standing in the doorway in all his late-adolescent glory. A hunky white stallion, lean and straight in every limb. Night-blue mane molded into a perfectly precise bedhead. A solid declaration of protection emblazoned on his flank, the only perfect break from his alabaster glory.
He smiled warmly, and, for a moment, it looked as if Brother Love was going to return to Brother Death. Pink lips stretched into a toothy smile as she waited for him to talk first. She had planned everything out, he had to be the one to talk first. She couldn’t afford to sound desperate--even a single faux pas could spoil everything.
“Hi, Caden--”
“Hi, Shiny!!”
If the stallion had been taken back by the enthusiastic shout, he was polite enough not to show it. Perhaps he didn’t mind. Or maybe he was secretly thinking she was a super weirdo. Cadence hastily cleared her throat and tried again, this time going for a more sultry tone.
“Hiiiiiiieeeeeh, Shining...”
Nailed it.
Puzzled... ADORABLY puzzled... Shining Armor politely nodded towards the pink alicorn.
He asked, “Can I, um, come in?”
Cadence maintained her calm, not-at-all-creepy smile while the brain cells onboard the S.S. Love Boat were in a full panic.
‘Oh my gosh is he hitting on me he’s totally hitting on me oh my gosh it wasn’t supposed to be happening like this I was too sultry that’s what went wrong’
A white hoof waved in front of her eyes. Her body acted on its own and waved politely back. Shining gave a small laugh and rolled his shoulders, causing the large bag strapped to his back to shift.
“Cadence,” he said, “I’d really like to come inside my house so I can put this stuff down.”
“That’s okay!” she squeaked. That was probably a normal thing to say.
“Um... You’re kind of standing in the doorway.”
She threw herself against the wall, staring, wide eyed and admonished at her Adonis. Shining Armor finally entered the house, maintaining eye contact for ten whole seconds before he looked away!
Whenever he looked over at her, she just made sure to keep smiling and laughing to let him know she was okay. Everything was A-okay. Everything was going great. No one was going to start smashing their own head into a wall in embarrassment even though they might really want to.
“Cadence, are you feeling alright?” Shining Armor asked. He set his bag down on the couch, and Twilight promptly pounced on it, probably looking for candy or cigs or whatever it was young foals liked. But right after that Shining Armor came over and pressed a hoof to her forehead eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
He looked at her with concern in his eyes. “You feel hot.”
“Thanks,” she hummed, “You too.”
The stallion gave a clearly amused and completely perfect chuckle and walked into the other room to check on his sister. Cadence gave a limp wave of her hoof, making sure her mouth was shut tight as she ground her teeth. She would find the hardest, most sturdiest wall in the castle and introduce it to her forehead. In the meantime, stamping on her own foot would suffice as penance for her terribly unfunny retorts.
‘Get it together, girl. It isn’t! This! Hard!’ Cadence’s eyes were closed, but believed she felt her hoof crack. ‘Oh I’m going to need a hooficure after this. No no no, focus! Just walk up to him, smile, and say--’
“Thanks for taking care of Twily, Cad--”
“Shining Armor will you go out with me?”
And then the world ended. Or rather, it may as well have.
Spirits possess a variety of senses that defy mortal comprehension. All of these noble beings can see into the nature of the world, and identify what actions or objects feed power into other spirits.
For example, dead things give Brother Death power. It’s a tough concept for mortals to wrap their heads around, I know, but it’s only one simple fact, so don’t worry if you don’t get it.
There are other, simpler things you can try to understand, though. Like how Brother Time is able to see how cosmic winds blowing from ten thousand years ago will affect your trip to the beach. And how I always know when someone is about to fart. You don’t need to tell me you’re impressed.
But perhaps the one that Brother Love possesses you could possibly relate to is the sense of when someone has created an uncomfortable moment for themselves in front of an object of desire. You really seem like the type to mess up in front of your crushes, is what I’m saying. I say it not as an insult, but as a fact. The sky should be green and you’re an awkward screwup. And I’m the narrator, so I have to be right.
Love’s special sense was ringing loud and clear. She said the thing, and there was no reprociation. No love wafted like sweet perfume from her alabaster stallion. All that was left for his humiliation to be complete was to open his eyes and let the scene play out.
Shining Armor blinked once, twice, his mouth open in a small ‘o’. The poor boy looked like he had forgotten how to talk. Shining’s silence was rapidly draining Cadence’s will to live. Until at last, sunlight broke through the storm clouds.
“Sure,” he said, “I’d love to.”
Cadence’s knees went weak. And then her mouth went soupy.
“When?” she demanded. “This Saturday?”
“Sounds great,” he said. “I’ll pick you up at your, uh, castle.” He watched as Cadence wordlessly inched toward the door. Something that demanded his attention tugged at his fetlocks and made him look down.
“Shiny, are you and Cadence getting married?”
“Um...”
He looked up at Love and smiled awkwardly. At it drove it all home. Drove it home, parked in the garage, burst through the door and cried about just how hard work was today, how about we wind down with a TV Dinner and some Real Housemares.
Shining Armor, despite saying yes to the most awkward proposal in the world, still did not radiate a single pink puff of love from his form.
This was a pity date.
Cadence let the door swing shut behind her, spread her wings wide, and shot off like a pink comet blazing through the sky toward Canterlot Castle. She circled the towers once before falling into a divebomb aimed directly at the balcony outside her room. An instant before impact she pitched her wings and changed direction, heading for a crash course with her bed. Her face met with a pillow and she held it tight to her face. Her ensuing squeals hit a frequency that caused every Diamond Dog within 200 miles to go deaf.
“Nothing good lasts forever.”
This is the single rule that the Spirit of Harmony lives by. Or it might as well be. Barely ten seconds into Cadence’s super-soaker pity-party, a pair of talons landed on the headboard, and a beak landed on the back of her head.
“Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?” Cadence sobbed, gently rubbed where the bird pecked her.
“That is what I was doing.” Philomena demonstrated again, receiving a swipe in her direction. “Now stop shouting before you wake up the whole castle. Please,” she added. “You’re usually exhausted after babysitting Twilight. You didn’t have another cookie eating competition with her, did you?”
“No. Her mom hid the jar after last time. But shut up and listen!”
Sniffling loudly, she moaned, “I have the best news ever! I totally have a date on Saturday!”
Cadence screamed again and began rolling across her bed, squeezing her pillow in a death grip, smearing the blankets and sheets with black mascara.
Wings are not the most effective tools for blocking out noise, especially for someone who is not exactly sure where their ears are. Philomena winced, and called out, “And this is a bad thing?! Don’t you go on dates all the time?!”
Philomena opened her beak to protest and was knocked her from her perch by a flying pillow that pinned her down. “All those others don’t count because they weren’t with Shining Armor!”
An orange head poked out from under the pillow. “Isn’t that Twilight Sparkle’s brother?”
“No! It’s Twilight Sparkle’s handsome sexy roommate that isn’t related at all, because he’s perfect!” The reminder about how perfect Shining Armor was just made Cadence sob all over again. But with nothing to cling to and cry on, she was reduced to sniffing into her hooves. “You can’t even tell they’re related. I think Twilight might have been adopted, actually.”
“I thought you liked Twilight.” Philomena wiggled her way out and roosted on top of the pillow. “You said you were going to be a second teacher to her, didn’t you?”
“Huh? No, she’s dumb as hell. Shiny is more important now.”
Cadence sighed. The moment of peace lasted for less than a second before panic set in again and Cadence began digging through her closet to find something to wear.
But what in the world in one supposed to wear to a pity date? That was something that had never, in all her many years of living, had ever, ever, ever happened to someone like Cadence. It was something that happened to boorish ponies with no social skills. Ponies like Lumpy Moon Princess, wherever she was hiding in shame. Was she supposed to wear boring stupid clothes, like those boring stupid ponies? Maybe she should put on glasses, then remove them, to reveal that she was super hot?! Or was she supposed to turn up all sexy from the beginning? Just turn up and impress him into loving her? She was good at that. Impressing ponies. That and mind control.
She shook her head fiercly. No! If she mind controlled him... then he wouldn’t be special anymore!
So maybe she should go with impressing him? But, what if she put in her all, and then, in the end...
It might not even matter...
“No!” Cadence asserted to himself. “I am in my element. I am my element! I can do this! I can...”
Harmony watched her brother pick outfits with a renewed vigor, quietly thinking to herself. It came as a relief to Philomena to hear that the future savior of Equestria was not going to be following the example of a shameless, narcissistic hedonist. But without the need to worry about Twilight, it opened up the Spirit’s schedule to worry about her brother.
For the last month, Love had been acting stranger than usual. He would spend every night babysitting Twilight, while spending every day making sure that her parents would have a reason to be out of the house. He made trips to the castle library to find archived issues of Cosmarepolitan and Seventeen magazine. He would bring binoculars to hide in bushes by the local high school for ‘bird watching.’ He erased the memories of an older Cadence from everyone in Canterlot. He would cover every piece of paper handed to him with pink hearts around the initials S.A.
But most worrying of all was that since Love began to babysit for Twilight Sparkle, he had slept alone every night.
“Cadence? Brother?” Philomena approached cautiously. “Are you... nervous about this date?”
“Of course I’m nervous!” Cadence screamed, throwing a skirt over her shoulder into her growing reject pile. “Everything depends on this going right! Because if it doesn’t go right, then Shiny will think I’m a total loser and he won’t want to go out with me again! And then I could never show my face in public again and I would spend the rest of my life living alone in the woods eating bugs and dirt and stuff and going completely feral! Then one night I would wander back into civilization to steal out of trash cans and I would look through the window and see him and some skank eating dinner and then I would cry for the life I could have had and throw myself off a cliff! Because he’s the most amazing, handsome, perfect stallion I’ve ever met AND THAT IS WHY I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT THIS DATE.”
Philomena took a few seconds before the stun wore off. “Are you always nervous around him?”
“Yes! No? I don’t know! I get all scared and self-conscious, then I can never stop laughing around him, and I just feel... funny. Like after I’ve had three bottles of wine funny. Like all dizzy and confused, but it’s a good sort of dizzy...”
“Brother,” Harmony interrupted, “I think you’re in love.”
“Oh yeah?!” Cadence whipped around, fire in her eyes and rage in her belly. “No shit, Sister!”
“Brother,” Philomena asked in a hushed voice, “This is how you’ve made ponies feel for all these centuries, and you’re only just now feeling it?”
Saturday, the night Cadence had waited a millenium for, had finally arrived. And she still needed an extra fifteen minutes to finish cleaning herself up. She had spent every day locked in her room, experimenting with every possible combination of make-up, wardrobe, and hairstyle at her disposal. And after countless hours of indecision and exactly three-and-a-half hours of manic depression, she had come no closer to a final choice.
When Philomena entered through her window to announce Shining Armor’s arrival, Cadence dove into her closet for shelter like a rabbit fleeing from a wolf. She shouted to the bird to tell him to wait just a few minutes for her.
“Of course I would,” Philomena replied as she yanked open the door with her talons, “but I’d rather not expose myself and ruin the disguise I’ve been maintaining for over fifteen hundred years just to tell your boyfriend you can’t pick an outfit.”
The door slammed shut again. “Then tell a guard to tell him!”
Open. “I can’t speak to anyone.”
“You sure do talk an awful lot!” Slam. “Write a letter!”
Open. “Brother--”
Slam. “I just need another minute!”
“Cadence!” The name stunned the pony like a spell. Out of patience, Philomena pulled the screws from the door hinges and they dropped to the carpet with a muted whump. Cadence held her hooves over her face and twisted her body to hide as much of herself as she could.
“Don’t look at me, I’m hideous,” Cadence sniffled. Soft and warm feathers laid over her hooves and gently pulled them down. She opened an eye to see the embodiment of peace itself smiling at her. All at once, she felt calm.
“Cadence,” Philomena spoke. The name soothed her like a balm. “You look beautiful. And the handsome stallion waiting for you will think so, too.”
Cadence rose to her feet and inspected herself in the mirror. All she wore were two small, sky-blue ribbons tied in a bow at the base of her tail and her ponytail. Her eyes were bare of any mascara or eyeliner, and her face was clear of any blush. By any standard, she was completely exposed to the world. And she admitted that she did not look too terrible.
She straightened herself up and took a deep breath. Butterflies moshed in her stomach, but her hooves still carried her straight. Her heart had either stopped or begun beating too fast to measure, but her body moved with a smooth refinement. Her mind was raging like a hurricane, but she existed at the eye of the storm in a blank tranquility. Things were going to be okay. This date was going to go fine. She just had to keep her cool and not do anything rash and she’d catch Shining’s heart for sure.
~~~
This was a romantic teen picnic fling on the beach, and all romantic teen flings needed to have shitty beer. It was a law or something.
“I didn’t think there was a beach near Canterlot…”
“There’s a lake down in Ponyville.”
“Yeah but,” Shining Armor stared over the top of his cold one, “it seems like there’s way more water than normal.”
Cadence remained quiet. She felt no need to mention that she had burst the reservoir, caused the water tower to collapse, and diverted several rivers some miles away, just to get the “ocean” she needed. No, Cadence just smiled secretly, knowing that Shining Armor would be grateful for the efforts she had put into making this date special, even if he would never know.
It still counted as keeping cool as long as nobody else knew.
“Hey, are those trees on an island or…”
“Maybe,” Cadence breathed.
Shining Armor stared at the flooded forest, brain just trying to process the sight. Eventually he just chalked it up to the side effects of two mouthfuls of beer, nervously taking another swing.
Sensing the lull, Cadence pounced on the opening and grabbed the picnic basket Shining had packed. The less time they both spent talking, the less the chance of her saying something that would completely turn him off of her. Enter food: a maniacally anxious pony’s best friend.
“I’m feeling a little hungry” Cadence said, flipping the basket open. “I can’t wait to see what a master chef you—!” Cadence stopped. She stared into the picnic basket. Inside were not packed sandwiches and desserts, but a frosting-coated mess, and a tiny purple filly very close to tears.
Hours in the past, Twilight undertook a great task. Her brother was planning a picnic with Cadence, the most important pony in the world after her brother and her parents. But when she snuck into the kitchen that morning to inspect what he packed, she was mortified at how unacceptable it was! He had sandwiches, salads, a funny white box from the… ‘pasty chef’, some of daddy’s special sodas, but no desserts!
Cadence had made it very clear in their lessons together that a boy should always bring girls sweets and treats, so they can play-fight if the girl or the dessert was sweeter. (A circular discussion that is repeated ad nauseum to this very day.)
Her brother was going to mess up his picnic with Cadence! And she might get so upset that she refused to ever babysit again! So little Twilight immediately set to work to rescue her brother. She didn’t know exactly how to make a cake, but she knew the theory of it. And if the theory was good enough for magic kindergarten, then it was good enough for her first venture into baking. So she dragged down the biggest bowl from the top shelf, and with great effort, set it at her feet.
“Item one! Bowl!” She said to no one. “Check! Item two. Flour…”
She dragged over the heavy burlap sack and carefully poured the flour in, stopping once the flour seemed the correct size of a cake. Then she hastily scooped out several hoof-fulls and poured in an equal amount of sugar. Cakes were flour and sugar, most of all!
“Item four. Eggs!” She sloppily crumpled two eggs in her aura, giggling as everything fell in. She made sure to pick out the biggest shell fragments, but didn’t mind to hunt for them all. I mean, those would crumble and burn while making, wouldn’t they? It made sense to her!
She slopped in the milk, making sure everything was just soggy enough, but then she stopped. She stared into the soupy yellow contents and wondered. What exactly make red velvet cake particularly red or velvety? She certainly wasn’t silly enough to put cloth in a cake! That just made her giggle. Maybe a stupider pony would have done that, but not Twilight Sparkle! She was a smart pony. She poured in half a jar’s worth of strawberry jam, and was darned proud about it. Finally, she upended a bag of chocolate chips into the mix, stirred, and dropped the bowl into the cold maw of the barely-heated oven.
She licked the mixing spoon idly, wondering how long it would take to cook. Ten minutes? Maybe twenty? She’d need more mix before she could wait that long. She popped open the oven and dunked her spoon in for another lick.
She did everything to distract herself, but she was very impatient, and very worried about the cake burning. Burning was literally the worst thing that could happen for a cake. Constantly, she would pop open the oven, shift the bowl around with the tippy tip of her nail, and see if it had stopped being liquid yet. Finally, she could wait no longer. It seemed solid enough, so she went to grab a towel from the bathroom and dragged the bowl out, swaddled up like a ceramic baby.
It wobbled when she upturned it onto the nice silver platter, and oozed a little in the middle too. But Twilight proudly resisted tasting! But not the frosting. She ate about half a can of frosting as she spread the sugar up and down the sides of the pinkish ‘cake.’
It was then that Cadence returned with her picnic basket, luckily retreating far into the house and coming nowhere near the kitchen. It was the perfect time to sneak the ‘surprise’ right under Cadence’s nose! Man, she would act for real surprised, not the fake kind! Twilight looked in the basket bigger than a child’s dinghy, and saw there was a ton of stuff in it. Blanket, umbrella, drinks… It all looked important, except for the white box from the Pasty Chef. Twilight took it out, and found plenty of room to slip her own cake inside.
She looked down on the pink and white blob with such pride and joy, it felt like her breath was making her a balloon. Yet… proud as she was, it wasn’t good enough for Cadence. She didn’t have the white chocolate decorations for one. And the frosting didn’t curl just right, like it should be doing. So Twilight fetched the tube of frosting, and decided to tweak it. Maybe another glob here.
That made the cake tear, so she needed to fix and cover the spot. Oh, why was frosting so hard to glob on?! She even had magic to help her, and it was still looking slightly less than perfect. How the heck did those dumb old Earth Ponies down at the cake shop do it? Did they have secret unknowable cake magic?!
It was so important that the cake be just right, when Shining Armor came running down the hall to meet Cadence, Twilight did the only logical thing. She hopped in the basket and kept working, determined to make the stupid thing perfect.
And there she worked, fixed, and so thoroughly destroyed the mushy mess that she was reduced to tears.
And that’s exactly when Cadence discovered her.
~~~
‘I have to kill her.’
Back in Canterlot, Philomena nearly fell off her perch. ‘What? No! Who?!’
‘Twilight Sparkle.’
‘Absolutely not!’
‘But she’s ruining everything!’ Cadence wailed.
‘Cadence...’ Once again, the name had an enchanting effect on the pony. ‘Calm down. Think. Keep your temper. Turn this situation around. Show him how compassionate you are.’
In any other circumstance, she would have privately thought up a quip about another type of ‘passion’ and another type of ‘com’, but this wasn’t the time or place.
‘Alright... Alright, I think I’ve calmed down. Thank you, Sister.’
‘It was my pleasure.’ Philomena inflated her chest in pride, partly for herself but mostly for Cadence. She had spent centuries trying to get through to the pony without success. But all at once, Cadence had discovered what Philomena had hoped she’d find: a reason to care. A tether between herself and the mortals of Equestria beyond the desire to harvest more power. A personal attachment that humbled and taught true love.
The Spirit that had seized the Crystal Empire, destroyed the Minotaur and Griffin kingdoms, and sowed a path of selfish destruction was fading from sight. And it would not take long before Cadence the Pony took her place as a defender of Equestria.
‘Oh and by the way I flooded Ponyville.’
‘WHAT’
‘Click.’
~~~
Following her sister’s advice, Cadence resisted the urge to throttle Twilight and instead invited her to join them both for the rest of the evening. And when Shining Armor smiled at her, she made out just the faintest wisp of pink trailing from him.
There was neither hanky nor panky on the date. There was no kissing, or even hoof holding. And yet, it was still the best date she ever had.
Everything about the day was going to be sheer perfection. A wedding more sublime than any fairy tale. Bouquets of purple roses were hung on every pillar in the castle with utmost care. Swaths of cream cloth draped gently down the halls. The finest chefs in the country were brought in to cater to the hundreds of guests. Every floor tile was washed, shined, buffed, waxed, washed again, then thrown out and replaced with brand new tiles. They even had hired a boy band to play the reception, not even one of the groups that was on the downslope that nobody remembered. (I’m looking at you, 98 Degrees.)
Every pony in the kingdom was buzzing with excitement over the most spectacular wedding in centuries. Foreign dignitaries and ambassadors were sailing from miles around to witness it (Excluding the minotaurs and griffons, who for some reason had a historical hatred for pink princesses). Ponies from every caste, hob-nobbers or dirt-nobbers, had received invitations. Even I had a letter jammed into my petrified, screaming mouth.
Did I mention that I broke out of stone briefly about a year ago? No? Eh, don’t feel left out. It was nothing much to talk about.
An interesting transformation had come over the blushing bride-to-be over the years leading up to this moment. She had become more patient with others, even respectful of them. Getting whatever she wanted was no longer her highest priority, showing off a compassionate and even selfless side. Emotions and mood swings were kept more firmly in check. Monogamy was no longer the dirty word it had been a thousand years ago.
Princess Cadence was settling down.
Preparing for the wedding wasn’t even getting her as riled up as most expected. Harmony was nearly brought to tears in pride and joy. Frankly, I was supremely let down. I place all the blame directly on her little wedding planner. The way she would cackle wildly in private seemed like a hint something fun was going to happen soon. And the way she silently stood over Cadence in her sleep, mouth held wide open with fangs bared to the world, I thought there was going to be something seriously fun. But nothing. Nada. Zip. El Zilcho.
I zoned in and out over the weeks watching more interesting stuff, like a dragon terrorizing a town, hurricanes, and time travel shenanigans. I only finally started paying attention to Brother Love again when the wedding was just a few days away. And I must have missed some serious action, because I come back to see every one of Celestia’s toy soldiers goose-stepping around the castle, an army of bugs hiding behind the top of the mountain, and Cadence, exhausted and powerless, sealed in the Canterlot Caves.
Someone should have probably been watching that.
So Cadence stewed, nearly choking on her own anger, channeling the old, furious Spirit of Love to imagine every sickening torture and gruesome punishment she would inflict on the duplicitous wedding planner who dared to ruin her special day. There would be a few more extra holes when she was finished. She just needed to find a way out of these miserable, soon-to-be-exploded caves.
The only thing that broke the silence in the caves was the intruding voice of a phoenix.
‘Remember when we were talking about the animals Sister Nature made to bother us? And we couldn’t think of what she made for you? I think I figured it out.’
Cadence screamed and threw a rock at the ceiling of the cave.
