Baby Don't Hurt Me
What is love? The question always remains. Princess Cadence insists that it’s an ever present force that fills the whole world, ready for anypony to come and pluck the fruit from the large and diabeetus inducing tree.
Some say it’s something more. But... only one true testament to love can be had.
“Kurt, where the fuck are the pickles?” Fabric Designer used his horn to levitate several old socks from the refrigerator. He wrinkled his equine nose up in disgust at the foul garments. They were encrusted in cheese, cracker crumbs, and what looked like sentient blue mold.
Elijah, who was sitting in front of the newest Xbox 1080 playing Pong, looked up at the unicorn, who was moving the socks away from their habitat. “NO YOU FOOL!”
In super slow motion, Elijah threw the controller against The Wall. The Pink Floyd album, not being able to sustain such hits, broke in half, sending both pieces (in addition to the game console controller) into the barrier that existed between the ceiling and the floor.
Elijah’s force from pushing his feet into the floor and thrusting upward launched himself into the air. Fabric Designer watched in pure befuddlement as the blonde teenager soared through the air directly at him. The unicorn stepped to the side, and Elijah gradually made his way into the refrigerator where Fabric slammed the door shut. He quickly shoved three chairs and an anvil in front of it to keep the human from escaping.
“Seriously, Kurt. Where the fuck are the pickles?” The unicorn walked to the bedroom door, where a single piece of lined paper was taped to the front. Fabric Designer took a look at the pencil marks on the paper.
“Totally not doing heroine in here, so go away.”
Fabric sighed and forced the locked door open. Inside, Kurt Cobain was just about to inject himself with a needle full of heroin. Rainbow Dash lay next to him, rolling around in a layer of Skittles.
“Kurt, what the fuck?” The rockstar looked up and dropped the needle on the bed, where Rainbow Dash rolled into it.
“Dude, I was only gonna take a little bit!” Kurt smiled his adorable smile. Rainbow Dash’s eyes grew wide as she began to experience all of the side effects of heroin, including death. She began to froth at the mouth, and several half-chewed Skittles poured out. Lights flashed in the pegasus’s eyes, and her wings grew rigid. In her drugged stupor, she saw thousands of civilizations rise and fall before her. Celestia flew down, dropped a stone from her royal mouth to Dashie’s mortal one.
Both Fabric Designer and Kurt looked down at the tweaking pegasus. The unicorn wanted to do something about this... but something about this scene made his horn harder just by looking at it.
Kurt shrugged, and looked up at the non-convulsing pony above him. “So, what’d you want to talk about?”
AI ground his teeth in anger. “What happened to all the pickles?”
Kurt looked blankly at the pony. “Oh... um, I ate them all?”
Things could have gone very differently at that point. Fabric could have gone out and bought more pickles. He could have helped Rainbow Dash, who was currently rubbing her hooves over her chest and muttering about Skittles. He could have saved Elijah from the refrigerator, who was at the time fending off hordes of salad beasts.
But instead, the unicorn flung himself on Kurt Cobain, and kissed him. He kissed him hard. The unicorn violated the druggy rockstar harder than he had ever before. He felt the pleasant scratch of his stubble, and shoved his tongue into Kurt’s mouth.
Kurt’s eyes grew wide, and he tried to shove the hornicorn off of him. Art Inspired put his hooves up to the rockstar’s shoulders and gave him more tongue. The two rolled off the bed, thrashing around in romantic romance.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so glad I decided to do this instead of helping Elijah!” Muffled screams came from the kitchen, and the sound of onions being beheaded soon followed.
“And you’re hella better and kissing then Courtney ever was,” Kurt told Fabric before enveloping his in another sloppy kiss.
“Guys?” Rainbow Dash’s eyes were three times their normal size, and flashing with all spectrums of the rainbow. “Guys? The king of squirrels is back! He wants me to sign his petition! Guys? GUYS?”
Fabric Designer ran his hoof over Kurt’s back. Kurt grasped some of the unicorn’s mane, and ran his tongue over the equine’s teeth. Fabric poked his horn into the side of Kurt’s face, an ancient unicorn gesture of arousal.
That was truly a night of romance. THere was so much kissing done, that both of the males’ mouths, tongues, and teeth were numb. Yes, their teeth were numb. No, don’t ask me how, because I don’t know.
Rainbow Dash lay on the floor in a puddle of rainbow spit, muttering something about gophers. Little sleep had been gotten that night.
“That wasn’t gay, was it?”
“That was undeniably the straightest thing I have ever done.”
Fabric Designer scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Why does that sound so familiar?” Kurt shrugged, and pulled out a slice of pizza from underneath his pillow, taking a bite of the cheesy delicacy.
Fabric let another question from his lips. “Didn’t you write a song about something like that?”
“Huh?”
“Something like... ‘sloppy lips to lips, you’re my vitamins’...”
Kurt laughed his charming laugh, and ruffled the unicorn’s mane playfully. “Oh, Fab, I was so high when I wrote that. I honestly have no fucking clue what it was about.”
An atomic red-haired man popped his head in from behind the corner. “Room for one more?”
Fabric Designer sighed. “Go away Gerard Way, no one even likes you.” The younger rock star moped away, depressed.
Elijah emerged from the fridge, battered and covered in ranch dressing. Looking up, he saw Fabric Designer in a wedding dress and Kurt wearing a sun hat, a bright red hawaiian t-shirt, and short shorts.
“Me and Fab are gonna elope in the Bahamas together!” The grunge icon gave the unicorn a quick peck on the lips.
Elijah stared at this spectacle for a few moments before slowly retreating back into the refrigerator.