Chicken Wings
It was a wonderful day for Porkmetheus. The sun was shining, the mud was wet and cool. Grub was plentiful and the world was good. The ponies had been doing more of their inscrutable rituals and mysterious business. Some kind of giant golden apple had nearly squashed poor Gruntle, but it had turned out to be partly edible in the end, so no harm done. A bunch of ponies had cooed and honked in their impossible language while they had tried to recover the remains of the weird apple. All in all it had been more excitement than the porcine populace of Ponyville had had in a long time.
Porkmetheus got an idea that day. An idea is a rare thing among the pigs of Equestria. Most swine were happy enough eating the leftovers of ponies and providing fertilizer in return. When the giant apple had come down the embankment, for a moment it had seemed to fly. That, of course, was ridiculous. You had to be a bird or a pegasus to fly. Apples couldn’t fly. They fell, hopefully, onto the ground where Porkmetheus could eat them. Maybe, though, the giant apple had been on to something. Maybe, if it was willing to try hard enough, to do whatever it takes, even an apple could fly. After all, oranges could, if they had blue wings like the one he’d seen a week ago. And, if an apple could fly, what about a pig?
Little did Porkmetheus know, this idea would lead him to the greatest and most terrifying adventure of his life.
***
Applejack waved goodbye to Babs and sent her sister and her friends off to play. Meanwhile she stomped over to the intrusive pig who had snagged Diamond Tiara’s tiara. AJ had no real love for the little hellion, but a pony’s hat was a sacred article, even if it was froofy and studded with gems. Diamond was busy bawling her eyes out in the mud, while the pig was dancing and leaping about crazily. She recognized him as Porkmetheus, one of the more playful pigs in the local herd. Wishing she had her rope handy, AJ gave chase. Porkmetheus shot away as soon as he saw Applejack approach, heading around towards the front of the station. He was heading across towards Whitetail Woods when he spotted Scootaloo down the path.
The tiny pegasus was buzzing her wings mightily, managing to keep a few hoof spans off the ground. Porkmetheus immediately veered back onto the path, making a beeline towards the little pegasus. He had never seen this little creature fly before, and now it was doing so. Maybe she could teach him how!
Meanwhile, Applejack hollered and whooped behind him, trying to get Porkmetheus to turn and trying to warn the Crusaders of the impending one-pig-stampede. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom managed to jump out of the way, but Scootaloo never had a chance. She was knocked out of the air by the pig’s leaping tackle. The pig grunted unintelligibly and started nosing at Scootaloo’s wings. Scootaloo meanwhile, was not happy about being tackled and pinned by a fat, muddy pig.
“Get off! Getoffgetoffgetoff! Raaaainbow Daaash! Heeelp!”
Applejack finally caught up with the renegade swine and shoved him roughly off of Scootaloo. “Go on! Git! Stupid pig. Don’t let me catch ya roughin’ up another pony, ya-hear?” Porkmetheus grunted indignantly, but trotted off. The wiry orange pony was not one to be messed with. Applejack turned to Scootaloo, “Are ya ok? He didn’t bite you or anything?”
Scootaloo stood up, “Yeah, I’m ok. Ugh, he slimed my wings though.” She flapped experimentally. Goop went everywhere. “Oh, uh, sorry.”
The three other mares, now covered in pig muck, glared at Scootaloo. “Ah think we all should head home fer a bath. Ah’m gonna give Diamond back her tiara real quick. See you girls later.” said Applejack.
***
Porkmetheus was no closer to a solution. The simple fact was that he didn’t have wings. Pegasi, birds, oranges, all of them had wings. If only there was a way that he could get some, or borrow them. He trundled off away from town, looking for inspiration. As he passed Fluttershy’s cottage, he noticed her chicken coop. There were tons of birds here. He chased one down experimentally, they were pretty easy to catch, after all Porkmetheus was one of the fastest pigs in Ponyville. On the other hoof, he had no clue what to do with the birds after he caught them. Porkmetheus would find a way.
Porkmetheus decided to spend some time gathering observations. The next few days were preternaturally perturbing for the Ponyville pegasus population as the pig peered ponderously at their preening and preflight preparations. He got shooed out of town several times, but he was undeterred. Finally, his vigilance paid off in an unexpected way when he next saw the CMC. Scootaloo was, of course, his prime target, however, this time there was something strange about all three of them. They were walking close together. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were hobbling shoulder to shoulder while Apple Bloom was tottering sideways with her haunch up against Sweetie’s barrel. They were having a hard time of things, by the look of it, but they kept walking together. After a moment, another point percolated through Porkmetheus’s porcine perception: they were covered in some kind of goop. Boldly walking over to the trio, the pig sniffed at their coats.
“Geddaway! Get! Shoo!” Porkmetheus, however, was hardened against the cries of the CMC after his week of semi-successful spying and subtle surveillance. He finally nibbled at the goo on Apple Bloom’s ear. The little pony shrieked bloody murder and tried to retreat. Her friends were bowled over by her flailing, adding a fine layer of dirt to their already sticky coats. Aha! It was tree sap that stuck them together. Porkmetheus wandered off, now confident in his infinite wisdom. He had discovered a fact hitherto unimportant to swinekind! This called for celebration. He spent the remainder of the day in the muddy riverbank, wallowing in mud and his own intelligence, but mostly mud.
It was about a week before he put one and one together. His trough had been filled by Applejack with remains from their dinner. Apple Bloom had tried cooking and had messed up the syrup, turning it into a sort of treacle. As Porkmetheus rooted around happily in the mess, a number of flies began buzzing around his head. One unfortunate bug landed right in the sticky syrup substance, sticking securely to the slop. Porkmetheus watched the little insect in fascination. Here was a creature that could normally fly, but it was stuck to the syrup. More importantly, it was buzzing and still trying to fly! Porkmetheus stared in abject fascination for several moments before eating the fly. Immediately, he galumphed into the woods, looking for low branches to break off.
After a good hour of getting himself thoroughly covered in sap, he crept up on Fluttershy’s cottage. There were the chickens. They would get stuck to him and help him fly! Gleefully, he charged into the yard, scooping up chickens and sticking them to his back. One, two, two, two, one, two, one, one, two! He had lost count several times, but he was pretty sure he had two chickens on his back. Maybe even twos of twos! Plenty. He leapt about for several minutes, trying to give the chickens help getting him off the ground. It wasn’t working.
Frustrated, the pig sat down, nearly squooshing Elizabeak. There must be some element he was missing. Looking into the evening sky, he saw a pegasus standing on a cloud. How he envied her. The pegasus sat calmly for a minute, before jumping off of her cloud and swooping down into the air. That was it! He needed to jump from something! Porkmetheus trundled over to the side of Fluttershy’s cottage. The slumping, sprawling building had enough places to climb that getting to the top was not a great challenge for the town’s greatest porcine athlete. Proudly he stood at its peak and gazed off into the slowly setting sun. This was to be his finest hour. From behind him he could hear a pony’s voice. There, down the path was Fluttershy herself calling out to him. No doubt she was shouting encouragement. He perked up his tail triumphantly, spread his chickens as best he could, and leapt into the sky, and into glory.
***
Twilight Sparkle was busy chatting with Rainbow Dash, trying to get her to accurately describe the thaumodynamics of pegasus flight, when Fluttershy burst in on them. The normally reserved mare was completely out of breath as she tried to speak to them. “There’s… There’s been an accident! Por… hhu… orkmetheus took a tumble and… haahh… he might have a concussion…”
Twilight Sparkle had no idea who Porkmetheus was, but a concussion was serious. “Where at Fluttershy? I can teleport us there if it’s an emergency!” Fluttershy waved in the direction of her cottage, too winded to speak. In no time at all they blinked into existence outside her house.
Twilight ran around the building at Fluttershy’s wild gesturing to find one of the strangest sights she had ever witnessed. There, sprawled on the ground was a massive pig covered in tree sap. Almost a dozen angry chickens were stuck to him, flapping wildly. The pig was out cold, but breathing regularly. Twilight called back at Fluttershy, “Should I take him to the vet?”
“Can’t… whhhhooo… can’t do that… Doctor Tonic is out of town.” gasped Fluttershy.
“There’s a vet in Canterlot I know we could take him to. Rainbow! Fly to my house and get my balloon ready for flight as fast as you can!” said Twilight.
“Roger! I’ll have it filled in ten seconds flat!” With that, Dash was off, already a shrinking speck in the distance.
Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Twilight worked to extract the flustered, but miraculously unharmed fowl from the pig’s back.
***
Porkmetheus woke as he was lowered into some sort of basket. Still very dazed, he let his head lay where it was placed, placidly looking out on the world. After a moment, a giddy sensation came over him. The ground seemed to be getting smaller! Eyes wide open, the adventurous pig gazed in wonder as he drifted up into the air. Finally, he was flying! The setting sun and rising moon seemed to greet him as an equal as he drifted out into the heavens. Porkmetheus sighed contentedly. He ached all over, and would probably be in a lot of pain the next day, but it didn’t matter. This was the greatest night of his life. The night he conquered the skies.