> Social Lubricant
>  by horizon
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Topped Up
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright," Rainbow Dash said, a smile slowly spreading across her muzzle.  "Who would you fuck to save Equestria?"

Twilight coughed into her salt water, eyes widening.  Rarity, nursing a cider, tried to maintain her expression of quiet dignity, but couldn't keep her muzzle from flushing pink. 

"Um, Dash?  I really don't remember that question from the book …" Twilight muttered, head weaving sideways toward her open reference copy of Slumber 101.  

Applejack drained her own cider, shooting Dash a return grin. "Well, some ponies seem determined to escalate this party right quickly."   

"What?  That's how these parties go.  Get drunk, talk about sex.  We're already mostly there."

"Some of us more'n others."  Applejack gestured at a half-empty bottle.  "Enjoyin' the moonshine?"

Fluttershy took another quiet sip from her shot of Liquid Courage, nodding, glancing around and smiling at nopony in particular.

"It's great!" Dash said.  "I could kiss you.  On the lips."

Pinkie beamed.  "You girls are the bestest drinking buddies ever!"

Twilight, examining the table of contents, frowned.  "The book doesn't even mention … no.  Hang on."  She squinted in intense concentration, her hornglow increasing and her eyes taking on a soft purple sheen, and started riffling through the pages.

The mug in Twilight's horngrasp tilted as her attention shifted, its contents sloshing and spilling.  Pinkie gasped and threw herself onto the table, sprawling out on her back, muzzle open under the stream of liquid.  Twilight glanced up, blinking her eyes back to normal, and righted the mug.  

Pinkie swallowed and giggled, which turned into a hiccup halfway through.  "Careful!  Spilling's a party foul!  You almost had to take an extra drink!"

"Sorry," Twilight said automatically, setting the mug down and returning to her perusal of the book.  

Pinkie slid back down the table toward her chair.  "Silly Twilight!  You don't have to apologize.  That's what the extra drink's for!"

Dash laughed.  "Yeah, drink more!  If we're gonna do this you've gotta stop thinking with your top brain."

Rarity — her muzzle back to its usual white — theatrically rolled her eyes.  "Rainbow Dash, it is entirely your business if your tastes run to fillies —"

Applejack's smile didn't shift, but her eyebrows furrowed.  "Rare."

"Hm?" Rarity paused, eyes flicking across the table, but when AJ looked away and shook her head, she continued.  "As I was saying, Rainbow, who you choose to proposition is your own business, but it is sordid indeed to be so desperate about it."

Rainbow stared at Rarity for the span of a heartbeat before recognition glinted in her eyes.  She threw back her head.  "Hah!"

The sound set off a cascade.  "Pfft!" AJ bit back a laugh.  Pinkie Pie snorted.  Even Fluttershy let out a little squeak, muzzle curling into a smile.  

Rarity took a dainty sip of cider as Twilight glanced up from her book.  "Wait, what?"

"That, there, sugarcube," AJ said, "was the sound of Rares crackin' an honest-to-goodness joke."

"Oh, good."  Twilight smiled, eyes already back on the book, and flipped a page.

"I declare it a grade-A down-home country burn." Applejack leaned past Pinkie to clop a hoof on Dash's shoulder.  "Reckon that means you owe her a shot."

"Yep!  That's the rule!" Pinkie said, sliding back to her seat, hooves sweeping across the table in a single fluid motion and somehow acquiring a shotglass and shaker.  "As of now!  I like that rule.  I like drunk Dashie!"

Dash chuckled and swiped the shotglass from Pinkie.  "It's worth it to finally hear Rarity getting into the swing of things.  And since she's loosened up, she can answer first."

Rarity brought a hoof to her chest and straightened her posture.  "My dears, there are some things which a lady does not discuss."

"Ah!  Found it!" Twilight said, face brightening. 

"That was your excuse for not telling us who your first kiss was," Dash said.  "You can't use the same excuse twice."

"There's a paragraph," Twilight continued, "in the 'Adult Parties' chapter …"

"Au contraire.  I see no reason why we cannot treat the topic of sexual intercourse with the discretion and dignity it deserves."

"… which says that 'intoxicating beverages in responsible quantities' …"

"Like calling it 'sexual intercourse' instead of 'fucking'?"

"… 'can lead to a loosening of social inhibitions' …"

"Ya gotta admit, Dash, Rare's got a point.  Most ponies say 'rut'.  'Fuck' just sounds dirty."

"… 'and offer daring partiers the opportunity to discover truths about each other' …"

"Even 'rutting' cheapens the sacredness of the act.  I see no need to debase it with such hypotheticals."

"… 'which would not come out under normal circumstances.'"

"See," Dash said, "even Twilight agrees with me."

Twilight looked up.  "I do?"

"This is a question you ask to get to know the hidden side of your friends.  The entire point of questions like that is for everypony to share.  You push yourself to answer them because your friends do too.  If somepony passes it's not fair to the others."

"Um." Twilight tapped the page with her hoof.  "… 'Care should, however, be taken that such games and discussions do not lead to anypony being forced into topics beyond their comfort level.'"

"I am not uncomfortable."  Rarity took a large sip of cider, setting down her empty mug, which Applejack whisked away for a refill.  "The question merely strikes me as immature."

"I hear ponies use that word a lot," Pinkie said, "when what they really mean is 'important.'"

"Case in point," Rarity muttered, reclaiming her mug in horn.

"Aw, c'mon, Rare," Applejack said.  "It's all in good fun."

Twilight, who had paused momentarily to stare into space, raised her eyebrows.  "Actually," she said, taking a stiff gulp of saltwater and making another tally on her notepad, "as strange as it sounds, I think Pinkie's right."

"See!  Even Twilight agrees with —" Pinkie blinked.  "Wait, you agree with me?"

"This is an important question!" Twilight said.  "We're the Elements of Harmony, right?  We've already saved Equestria several times, and we'll probably have to do it again.  We beat Nightmare Moon and Discord with the power of friendship … but at Cadence's wedding, that wasn't enough, and she had to fight Chrysalis with the power of love.  Dash asked who we would … rut with … to save Equestria.  That's something we might actually have to do someday.  It pays to plan for these things ahead of time!"  She smiled, back on familiar ground.

Dash broke out into incredulous laughter.  "Wow.  Leave it to the egghead."

Rarity's lips curled wryly upward.  "Et tú, Twilight?"

Twilight's smile vanished.  "M-me?  Well, I guess, if I had to, I, I'd —"

"Figure of speech, darling."  Rarity let out an exaggerated sigh.  "I was asked to speak first, and so I shall.  Better to suffer this indignity quickly than to allow anticipation to build.  And perhaps —" she fixed an eye on Dash — "I might set a dignified tone that will inform our further approaches to the subject."

Dash smirked.  "Don't worry, Rary.  I promise I won't use 'fuck' unless I really mean it."

"Oooh!" Pinkie said.  "I know!  New rule!  Every time Dashie says 'fuck' she has to kiss me!"

"Pffft!"  Liquid sprayed out from across the table.  

Fluttershy coughed, inhaled, blinked back involuntary tears, and wiped her nose with the back of her hoof.  Five heads swiveled over to her.  She swallowed, eyes darting around.  "Oh," she whispered, crouching for cover beneath the edge of the table.  "I'm sorry."  

"You alright, sugarcube?"  AJ asked, waiting for Fluttershy's nod before walking over to the side table and grabbing a rag in her teeth.  "Take some nice deep breaths.  I'll clean up."

Twilight glanced back and forth between Fluttershy and Pinkie.  "Maybe this is one of those times we should talk about comfort levels," she said, brandishing the book.  "Fluttershy, are you alright with what Pinkie's proposing?"

"Does," Fluttershy started — sinking under the table even further, only eyes and ears visible, as the others turned back to her — "does the rule apply to everypony?"  The question shot up in pitch, ending in a squeak.

"Of course not," Rarity said immediately.  "That's hardly the sort of activity that is appropriate without consent."

"Oh," Fluttershy whispered.  "Um.  Okay."

Twilight stared at Fluttershy for a moment, then set the book down and looked at Dash.  "Alright.  But physical contact of a suggestive nature is at a whole different level from discussion of sexual topics, so we should also ensure the ponies involved are in agreement —"

"Equestria to Twilight," Dash said.  "We've kissed, like, in front of you."

"We're dating!" Pinkie added.

"Sorta dating."

"Sorta dating!"

"Still, I want to be sure," Twilight said.  "Voluntary private intimacy is entirely different from rule-mediated contact in a group setting."

Rainbow snickered.  "Okay, now you're just fucking with me."

Pinkie lunged.  "You said it!"

Rainbow flailed, squealed, and went down to the floor in a tangle of legs.  "Hey!  No fair," she protested, laughing.  "I wasn't ready for mmhhrrm mmffrmm!"  Her flailing slowed as Pinkie's lips found their mark.

Twilight giggled, muzzle reddening, as she watched, then looked back at the others uncertainly.  "Um."  Fluttershy, too, was furiously blushing, not even trying to disguise her stare.

"Well," AJ said, "reckon we know what her answer to her own question was going to be."

Rarity glanced at the two ponies on the floor for a moment, then shrugged and leaned in over the table, sipping her cider.  "On the bright side, we all knew this was inevitable, and at least their distraction frees the rest of us of the indignity of discussing hypothetical lovemaking partners."

"Hey!  No way!" Dash shouted from the floor, wriggling free of Pinkie and scrambling back upright.  "Sorry, balloons, but I wanna hear this."

"Oooh, me too!"  Pinkie was somehow back in her chair without covering the intervening distance.

"I reckon that's a plan," Applejack said, walking back to the side table.  "I'll top up the drinks.  'Nother Liquid Courage?"  Fluttershy nodded silently.

"Alright … go ahead, Rarity," Twilight said.

Rarity brushed her mane back.  "I hope that I have made my position on intercourse sufficiently clear.  Call me old-fashioned if you wish, but one should save the experience to share with he who will prove himself to be your true love."  

"Or she," AJ said.

"I suppose, if one is of that inclination."

Applejack opened her mouth, thought for a moment, and then shook her head and slid a shot glass across the table: half salt water, half moonshine, with just enough apple juice to tinge it golden.  "There ya go, Flutters."

Rarity sipped her cider.  "That having been said … our hypothetical does presume a rather dire and immediate necessity, which must be taken into account."

"Ha!  So you would sleep around for a good cause," Dash said.

"Hardly.  If we are to save the world through making love, then we must assure there is love in the act, yes?  However … and realize this is purely hypothetical, mind you."

"Of course," Twilight said.

"The stallion most fit to set my heart afire is —" Rarity pressed her pastern to her forehead — "already taken."

Dash burst into giggles.  "Rarity.  Our sweet, romantic Rarity.  A homewrecker."

Rarity glanced back through narrowed eyes.  "For Equestria's sake.  Only for the good of our world."

"Ooooh, who!" Pinkie Pie leaned over the table, bouncing on hind hooftips.  "Who?"

"Fancy Pants, if you must know."

Twilight frowned, searching her memory.  "That unicorn from Canterlot with the three-crown mark?"

"The very one."

"I," a small voice said from next to Rarity, "thought he was very nice."  Fluttershy took a small sip from her shotglass.

"He was.  A perfect gentlecolt."  Rarity smiled at the recollection.

"Those are the ones you've got to watch out for," Dash said slyly.  "The more uptight they are in public, the kinkier they get in the sack."

"That's not true!" Twilight blurted out, then immediately went red in the cheeks as five pairs of eyes swiveled her way.

AJ grinned smugly, prodding Twilight in the side with a hoof.  "Sounds like somepony's been learnin' some personal friendship lessons, huh, sugarcube?"

"No!  I mean — research — I mean —" Twilight stammered, her blush spreading.  She bought herself a few seconds by draining her mug and marking another three tallies on her notepad.  "I'm not — that is, I have a friend who's not into weird stuff at all.  Very vanilla.  Painfully, shamefully vanilla.  And she's a super uptight pony.  She even tried a few experiments just to see, but she's —"

"Unfortunately," Rarity quickly cut in, "he has a lovely mate, Fleur De Lis by name.  So such a thing is never to be — unless a national crisis were to force the point."

"That's a shame," Twilight said, sounding vastly relieved.

"He would be lucky to have you," Fluttershy said.

"I dunno," Dash said, turning to Twilight with a predatory smirk.  "Maybe 'painfully vanilla' is more his type.  Is he yours?"

Twilight swallowed, speechless.  "Dash," AJ chided, " 'taint nice to tease."

"I — what?  No!  I'm just saying, if she's dropping bombs like that I've gotta hear how Twilight's going to answer the question.  Teasing would be, oh, I dunno, cracking jokes about her personal friendship lessons."

AJ leaned over the table, her hat falling aslant over one eye.  "Now see here —"

Pinkie leaned forward, effortlessly interposing herself between orange and blue and grabbing both of them around the necks in a hug.  "Yeah, Twilight!  Tell us who you'd do!  We're all listening!"

"I, um," Fluttershy said quietly, tapping her front hooves together, voice wavering.  "I … thought it was my turn?"

"I-it — ah," Twilight stuttered, torn between the relief of the offered out and the guilt of burdening Fluttershy with the question.  "Well … you are next around the table …?"

Rarity glanced at Twilight with an almost imperceptible shake of the head, then back to Fluttershy.  "Don't worry, darling," she said soothingly.  "Nopony here is going to force you to answer this beastly question.  Really, you were very brave telling us about your first kiss —" she winced as she remembered the sobbing, and the brief but awkward retreat into the closet — "but we don't wish you to force yourself beyond your limits on our account."

Twilight looked down guiltily.  "Yeah, what she said.  I'm sorry.  I'll go."

"Um," Fluttershy said, eyes darting around the table.  "Thank you, that's very generous, I mean, I know you're …" Her eyes' motions settled in on her shotglass.  "You're all being so understanding, and …"  The sentence trailed off into awkward silence, punctuated by the distant tick of the wall clock in the kitchen.

Twilight waited a few seconds, then cleared her throat.  "It's okay, Fluttershy.  I —"

The sound seemed to startle some primal instinct in Fluttershy.  She lunged for her shotglass, grabbing it in both hooves, and threw the liquid urgently into her muzzle.  She swallowed it in a single large gulp, coughing, face twitching, and slammed the glass back down to the table.  "Big Mac."

Her eyes darted around the table again, at the silent, wide-eyed faces.

"I mean," she said, voice seizing up again, "I would … I would, fuck …" Her voice dwindled away into insubstantiality.  "bggmcta."  She stood, petrified, fores perched on the table.

Dash was the first to recover.  "Whoah-hoah!" she said with an incredulous laugh, eyes shining.  "Looks like that Liquid Courage lives up to its name."

"Squeak."

Dash's grin spread to the others.  "Awww, that's so sweet!" Pinkie said.  "And you two have so much in common!  He's really super good with animals around the farm and he doesn't talk much either and, and they'd just be so cute together saving Equestria, am I right?"

"They … they kinda would," Twilight had to admit.

The reaction seemed to buoy Fluttershy.  A bashful smile crept onto her muzzle.  "A-and," she admitted, "he's so big, and so gentle … and I could just fit right underneath him as we were, as we were … doing it, and I could snuggle up against his tummy, while he held me and went deep inside me —"

AJ interrupted with a sharp laugh.  "Whoah there, pardner!  This is my brother we're talkin' about, and I don't need them kinda images gallopin' through my brain."

"Eep," Fluttershy said, eyes widening, instantly shrinking back and balling up, landing heavily in her chair.  "Imsorryimsorryididntmeanit—"

AJ sat up straight, looking similarly alarmed.  "Aw, no — haybales.  Sugarcube — no.  It's okay, I promise, jes' maybe we could skip the details?"

"No, no!" Dash said, still grinning maniacally.  "Let her get it all out.  This is, like, therapy or something."

"Dash," AJ said, narrowing her eyes.  Rainbow shrugged and took a drink.

"Imsorryimsorry," Fluttershy repeated, rocking back and forth, her muzzle turning slowly, eyes locking in on the closet door.  She was interrupted by a white leg wrapping around her neck.  "Eep!"

Rarity pulled the two of them into a hug.  "Fluttershy, darling," she said, "I'm so proud of you.  That must have been so scary to admit."

Fluttershy nodded, silent and trembling, but at Rarity's gentle words a smile began to creep back onto her muzzle.  "I-it was the courage," she whispered.  "I've had five."

Rarity held her with both forehooves, stroking her mane.  "It was.  But next time, you won't need it quite so much."  She pulled back, beaming.  "And it will forever afterward be a little easier to remember not to be ashamed of the voice of your heart."

"That's …" Twilight gawked.  "That was poetic, Rarity.  That was deep!  I … I should write that down."  She giggled.  "I ought to send a friendship report!  Celestia would — oh stars.  Spike!  Where's Spike?"

"That's the other reason we sent him upstairs," AJ reminded her with a grin and a pat on the withers.  "Remember that one time you sent a drunk report?"

Twilight's smile vanished amid a deep red flush.  "Glrk.  No!  No scrolling in altered mental states!"

Dash snickered.  "I dunno, she took it pretty well."

"'My faithful student, thank you for thinking of me with your letter, I know someday you'll look back on this and laugh' is not taking it well!"

Pinkie giggled.  "Admit it, Twilight, it was pretty funny."

"Maybe she even appreciated it," Fluttershy said. "I think Celestia does have a big sense of humor."  She shrank back into her seat and tapped her front hooves quietly together.  "But that's just my opinion."

"I wonder sometimes," Twilight said, cheeks afire.

"Yeah!  Remember how Celestia thanked us for livening up the Gala?" Dash said, pouring the dregs of the first bottle of moonshine into her mug.  "Oooooh … speaking of the Princess, guess whose turn it is to answer."

Twilight squirmed in her seat.  "Err …"

Rarity tittered behind a hoof, clearing her throat to cover up her amusement.  "Must we subject Miss Sparkle to this torture?  I agree, it is obvious what she's going to say."

"No!  No, it isn't!"

"Calm down, Twi," AJ said, "we should all be so lucky to be so close to the Princess.  Ain't no shame at all in thinkin' about that chance."

"Lots of ponies do!" Pinkie added.  "Didn't you read Love Letters To The Sun?"

"Read what!?"

Pinkie pointed over to the far wall.  "It's filed under L!"

Twilight's eye twitched.  "Have I still not rearranged everything using the Dewy Grass Decimal System?  I guess not, haha, I'd better get started."

"C'mon, Twilight," Dash said.  "You're not gonna leave Flutters hanging high and dry after courage like that, are you?  All you gotta do is say it and then we can move on."

"If, um.  If Twilight's not comfortable telling us, then we shouldn't force her.  I don't think."

"I shouldn't," Twilight said.  "I really shouldn't."

"Twilight," Rarity said delicately, "if it's about her being a her … I promise you nopony in this room cares if you're a fillyfooler."

Hooves slammed down onto the far side of the table, knocking over the empty bottle of moonshine and sloshing liquid loose from mugs.  Applejack shot upright, eyes flashing. 

"I am tryin' to be tolerant," Applejack shouted, "but you will not use that word in my presence."
> Half Empty
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The room went dead quiet.

Rarity swallowed, eyes wide, and found her voice.  "A-applejack," she said, her society accent falling away.  "I-I'm so sorry."  Horror spread across her muzzle.  "A little cider and I slip right back into the words drummed into my head growing up.  I didn't know how foul a slur it was back then.  You know I respect you and your mare-pairing …" 

Applejack's cheeks drained of color as she looked around at her five friends' stares and lowered herself back to her seat.  "Oh, road apples.  I … I know you do."

Dash's muzzle wavered into a frown as she glanced between the two of them.  She leaned forward.  "Hey, wait, you respect mare-pairing now?  Cause you never —"

"You hush, Dash," AJ said, mustering some sharpness into her suddenly weary voice.  "She just apologized."

"Indeed," Rarity said.  "It was never my intention to slight anypony."

Dash opened her mouth, but reconsidered and sank back into her chair, fores crossed.  "Nopony.  Right."

Rarity turned back to AJ.  "As scandalous as the hipponian lifestyle is among the capital class, I love you as a friend, Applejack, and I have never hesitated to defend you.  Please never doubt that."

"No.  It's …" Applejack sniffled, the corners of her eyes shimmering.  "It ain't you.  I'm sorry.  Ya just caught me a mite touchy tonight, is all.  I've heard some things from family that oughta know better."

Pinkie slid from her seat, curling up against Applejack in a wordless hug.  AJ grabbed her, clinging tightly, breathing raggedly through her nose, eyes squeezed shut.  Gradually, Applejack's breaths slowed and evened out.

"Is — is everypony okay?" Twilight asked, glancing down helplessly at Slumber 101.  "Should we calm down and take a break?"

"I'm right sorry, Twi," Applejack said faintly.  "I don't want to break the mood.  Thank you."  This last was aimed at Pinkie Pie, who nodded and detached from the hug.  "I'm gonna get me another cider," AJ continued, "and I hope y'all'll do me the favor of forgetting I said anything."

"Only if I can have a hug too," Dash said, stumbling over to Applejack's seat, giving Rarity a quick glance over her shoulder with narrowed eyes. 

"Heh." AJ embraced her.  "Don't you go getting sappy on me, you flamin' tail-tangler."

"They'll understand someday," Dash said.

By the time Dash pulled away, all five of Applejack's friends were crowding around her chair.  "Group hug!" Pinkie said, and dove back into the pile.

"Aw, thanks," Applejack said, hushed, then locked eyes with Rarity: "I am sorry.  You didn't deserve that."

"Applejack, you have a beautiful spirit, and I do hope you stop sullying it with unnecessary apologies."

"Heh.  Fair enough.  In that case —" Applejack looked around the friends encircling her — "where were we?"

"Twilight's crush on Celestia!" Pinkie said.

Twilight groaned.  "We would have to jump straight back to that."

Dash's muzzle curled back up into a smirk.  "Ha!  So you do admit it."

"What?  No!"  Twilight made a little strangled noise in the back of her throat.  "I mean — not yes, but …"

A smile tugged at the corner of Rarity's mouth.  "Honestly, Twilight, this is simply drawing out the inevitable.  You're best served either by admitting it or passing the question.  We won't think less of you either way."

Twilight took a deep breath to steady herself.  "Alright.  I'm sorry to make a production out of this.  I feel like I have to share it with somepony, but despite the equivalent of three-and-a-half licks of salt working their way through my digestive system — which given the time since first ingestion, should be producing mild sensations of vertigo and euphoria, a disregard of ordinary social inhibitions, an intensified experience of connectedness, and increased appetite — I'm terrified.  Part of me thinks that there's no way any good could come of even allowing myself to think these things.  Another part of me recalls from my pegapsychology readings that policing my brain in an effort not to think bad thoughts is a prescription for madness." Twilight paused. "… Am I rambling?"

"You're rambling," Dash said, then grinned.  "Go on.  It's adorkable."

Twilight levitated an empty shotglass, staring at it thoughtfully, then set it down with a decisive thump.  "No.  I can do this.  I-if —" she closed her eyes — "if rutting were required to save Equestria …"

The others exchanged knowing glances.

"Without hesitation … I would ask … Princess …" Her voice cracked.

"Yes, yes," Rarity said encouragingly.

"… Luna."

"Luna?" five voices chorused.

Twilight dropped her muzzle, staring pointedly at the table, cheeks burning.

"You're kidding, right?" Dash asked.  "Seriously, you've got such a ladyboner for Celestia that you could walk down the street and have ponies mistake you for a stallion."

"There's a little shrine to her on your dresser," Applejack added.

"Twilight …" Rarity considered her words while she took a sip of cider.  "You squeal like a filly every time Spike belches a letter.  I do not wish to cheapen your feelings for the Night, but are you quite certain you're being … entirely honest with yourself?"

"What are you saying?" Twilight asked.  "That I should want to … to rut —" forming the word in her mouth as if it were coated with bitterroot — "with my teacher?"

"That you do," Dash said, "and everypony but you knows it."

"Oh no.  No no no."  Twilight shook her head emphatically.  "Dash, she's the Living Sun.  She singlehornedly runs Equestrian civil society.  She's thousands of years old and the scholar of record in 22 of Canterlot University's 31 degree programs.  If I recategorized the library by author her works would fill three bookshelves.  I can't even think of her in a sexual sense.  It would be like … like wanting to make love to the Moona Lisa."

Applejack's brow furrowed.  "But the Moona ain't Celestia, she's —"

"No, no," Twilight interrupted.  "The painting.  It's an analogy.  Look at her and it's a frozen moment of perfect equinity, but try to touch her and it's all fragile little daubs of pigment on canvas.  I couldn't lay a hoof on it without ruining it and depriving Equestria of a national treasure."

"Oh."

"So instead you would make love to the actual Moona Lisa," Rarity said.  "There's an irony for you."

Twilight looked at her uncertainly.  "I, um, think the analogy just broke down."

Rarity shook her head.  "Princess Luna before her ascension, darling.  Surely, since her return, you must have noticed the resemblance?"

"Oh."  Twilight's eyes widened.  "Oh!"

"So, um, if you don't mind me asking … why Luna?" Fluttershy said.

"She …" Twilight floated her mug over to the jug of salt water on the side table and poured herself a refill.  "She reminds me a lot of me, I think."  Twilight allowed herself a smile.  "She's smart, really smart.  And good at magic.  She's a little awkward with ponies, but we got along well on Nightmare Night."  The unicorn giggled.  "She's the only one who understood my costume.  And her mane's so beautiful … well, her, really, the whole way she carries herself."  Twilight's eyes drifted, and her voice got subdued.  "Besides, if we were talking about saving Equestria … she deserves it, don't you think?  Everypony's still so afraid of her, but after she helped save the world they couldn't help but treat her differently."

"Twilight," Rarity said, smiling in surprise.  "How remarkably noble of you!  Even in these private fantasies, you're thinking of how to help others.  I'm humbled."

"It's … just her, I think.  She feels real somehow, you know?  She raises the moon but she doesn't feel so effortlessly above everypony the way Princess Celestia does.  She's amazing.  If she weren't a princess she's exactly the sort of pony I'd look for in a mate."

"Well, how come ya don't ask her, then?" Applejack said.  "Cadence bein' a princess didn't stop your brother."

Twilight's horngrip on her mug went shaky mid-sip, tilting a little too far and spilling salt water down her neck.

"It's not just that she's royalty," she said urgently as she set down her mug and grabbed a towel.  "She's Princess Celestia's sister."

"Huh?"

"I think I understand," Fluttershy said.  "Because you're so close to Princess Celestia, a relationship like that could make everything awfully strange."

Twilight's face fell into deep worry.  "Even her knowing that I feel this way could ruin things forever.  I shouldn't be thinking such things while I'm Celestia's student … while I'm the Element of Friendship.  I can afford a little silly imagination while I'm intoxicated —" she glanced at Applejack — "as long as you keep me away from Spike and my scrolls — but I can't let this interfere with my responsibilities.  I just can't."

The table went quiet for a moment, ponies staring down into their drinks.

Pinkie broke the silence.  "What about you, Applejack?  Who would you do to save the world?"

"Pink Lady," Applejack said immediately, "and anypony who don't like the idea of being saved by hipponians can go leap in manure."

"Hear, hear," Rarity said, raising her mug.  Around the table, mugs and shotglasses lifted, and six ponies drank.

"I haven't seen much of her," Dash said, "just at that one Apple Family reunion she came overseas for, but I know you two would make a good couple."  She grinned.  "She'd be a good femme for you.  Add some froo-froo to your bedroom.  Girls like us need some froo-froo, and we're not getting it outta Rarity without growing danglies."

Rarity rolled her eyes.  "I dare say, Rainbow, tonight's drinking has made you even more obnoxious than usual."

"I just tell it like it is."

"At least you have the grace to pretend manners while you're sober.  The crudeness of your language right now could cause construction workers to flee in terror."

"Hey!  You haven't even heard crude."

"Says the pony who we had to rein in via the institution of a special rule."  

"Yeah, well, I haven't said 'fuck' once since —"

"You said it again!" Pinkie crowed, leaping.

"Mmmmrhpmrmbl!"

Rarity's muzzle curled into a triumphant smirk.  She took a quiet sip of cider.

"Before y'all get into a permanent state of lip-lock," AJ said drily, "we haven't heard either of your ruttin' partners yet, and I'll be darned if we're gonna let you get too distracted to answer your own question."

Pinkie broke off the kiss, leaving Dash gasping for breath, and bounced back into her seat.  "Oooh, you're right, it's my turn!" she said, eyes lighting up.  "Yay!"

"So, let me guess," Twilight said, "the 'Saving Equestria' honor goes to the pegasus you've been trying to get into bed for the past month?"

"Well, of course I'd rut with Dashie," Pinkie said.  "I don't need the excuse of saving the world for that!"  

Rainbow grinned.  "I guess I'm just that good of a kisser."

"When you're drunk," Pinkie said, rubbing noses with Dash.

"We've kissed sober. … Haven't we?"

"You're a good kisser when you're drunk."

Dash tried to parse that for a few seconds, then frowned.  "Well, heck, balloons.  We oughta fix that next time I'm sober, then."  She sighed.  "I'm sorry.  I probably haven't been a real good friend, sober.  But once I've gotten a few drinks in me, it's like," she made a vague gesture with a hoof, "fuck her, y'know?  I can look at you without thinking about …" Dash trailed off, then snorted angrily and took a huge swig of moonshine.  "Why the fuck are we talking about this?  Fuck her, seriously, fuck gryphons, and … Pinkie, stop kissing my mane."

Pinkie grinned maniacally.  "You kept saying it, but I didn't want to interrupt.  Now I don't have to!"  She lunged forward and clamped her muzzle around Dash's.

"Mmmf!" Dash protested, then relaxed into the earth pony's embrace, her eyes fluttering closed.  One forehoof curled around Pinkie's body, straying downward to tease at the edges of her cutie mark.  Pinkie squeaked — the sound muffled by the kiss — and closed her own eyes, pressing her body in closer.

Twilight leaned over to Applejack, muzzle reddening.  "Is this the way most adult slumber parties go?" she whispered.

"This ain't nothing about the party," AJ whispered back, shifting to lean on the table with her back to the pair. "It's just Pinkie Pie."

"Rainbow," Fluttershy said, staring pointedly into her shotglass, "I don't think you should feel guilty at all.  You did the right thing.  I don't think Gilda was being a very good ladyfriend to you."

"Mmmrrf," Rainbow said, bringing a hoof up to Pinkie's muzzle and gently pushing her away.  "You're right, Flutters.  She wasn't.  I'm over her.  I am.  It's just …"

"It's difficult," Rarity said, rotating her mug in her horngrip.  "Very difficult.  When somepony you care for turns out to not be who you thought they were."

Dash looked suspiciously at Rarity for a moment, but allowed herself to let out a long breath.  "… Yeah.  And when you're not quite who you thought you were, when the chips come down."

Pinkie smiled, ruffling Dash's mane with a hoof.  "You're Dashie, silly.  Who else could you be?"

"Can we, like, not talk about this anymore?" Dash said quietly.

Pinkie's smile receded.  "I'm sorry."

Rainbow sighed.  "No.  Don't be.  I just …"  She swallowed, voice growing faint.  "I could be the pony who fought with Gilda right before she left.  I don't want to do that to you."

"You won't."

"I have.  A couple of times, with ponies I really thought I cared about."  Dash curled up in her chair, ears flattening.  "You're my best friend, balloons.  Like, the best that I've ever had.  It terrifies me to think that I could wreck that, the same way I have with every other rutting buddy.  So I'm not going to start anything with you unless I know I can get it right."

Rarity looked up from her mug.  "That's … surprisingly romantic."

"Screw you too, Rary," Dash snapped back.

"Rainbow." Rarity frowned.  "That was a compliment, believe it or not."

"Oh."

"Wanting the best for those you make love to speaks to a strength of character I hadn't expected you to possess."

"Hey, I'm the Element of Loyalty," Dash said defensively.  "I'm not going to hurt my friends."

"She's right, Dashie!  It's sweet," Pinkie Pie said, leaning back in to nuzzle Rainbow's cheek.  "It's like giving me a present I have to unwrap first!  Which is silly, because I already know who's inside, but I can pretend like it's a surprise, which makes it a fun game, almost as fun as the one where I get to kiss you whenever you say 'fuck' which I think we're going to have to do all the time now, except for in the middle of avalanches because that makes it kinda hard to reach you to get my kiss unless I'm allowed to pounce you later which would make this a little unfair because then we'd have to kiss for HOURS to make up for all the avalanches you've been through because really you get potty-mouthed around big rocks, except for Tom."

Applejack stared dumbly, then reached up and rubbed her eyes with her hooves.  "I reckon I oughta slow down on the cider.  I understood about three words of that."

"I am horrified to report that it made perfect sense," Twilight said.  She blinked, and her gaze slid over to her mug.  "An intensified experience of connectedness!  Of course!"

Applejack rolled her eyes, chuckling.  "Still an' all, I gotta know, Dash.  I get that you wanna do right by Pinkie before you rut her … but what if Equestria were at stake?  Would ya?"

"Err," Dash stalled, looking alarmed.

"Hey!" Pinkie said, head whipping around.  "You're not trying to skip my turn, are you?"

"What?" Applejack asked, confused.  "Pinkie, you already told us you'd rut with Dash whether or not it'd save the world."

"But that wasn't my answer!"

"It wasn't?"  Dash took a turn looking confused.

"Of course not, silly!"  Pinkie beamed.  "I'd do everypony!"

Dash stared at Pinkie.  "What," she said weakly.

"Well, not all at once!"  Pinkie stopped, then brought a hoof to her chin.  "Possibly.  It depends on the crisis."

Applejack coughed.  "Pinkie … even for you, that seems kinda … excessive."

Pinkie smiled.  "How come?"

"Darling," Rarity said, "how can I put this delicately … I understand that you disagree on the necessity of love as a component of the sexual act, but for you to say that you have no standards at all would suggest a frightening lack of intimate ethics, which I hope you did not intend to imply."

"Standards?"  Pinkie sounded confused. 

"Wouldn't you, um, want to find somepony special to, um.  Fuck. With?" Fluttershy asked.  

"We are talking about saving the world here," Twilight added.

Pinkie brightened again, turning to Twilight.  "Oh, you do get it!  For a second there all of you sounded a little confused."

Applejack and Twilight exchanged glances.  "Believe me, sugarcube, we are."

"Maybe you could just explain?" Twilight asked.

"Okay!"  She grabbed a mug, two shotglasses, and an apple.  "Let's say that this mug is Equestria, and —"

"Without the visual aids," Twilight interrupted, getting flashbacks to the aftermath of the last demonstration.

"Okay!"  Pinkie drew in a deep breath.

"No singing!" Applejack, Dash, and Rarity chorused.

Pinkie frowned, but the expression didn't last long.  "It's like Twilight said!  This is about saving Equestria.  It doesn't matter how much you like somepony if they won't be around later because things got unsaved!  It would be really special to save the world with Dashie —" she drew Rainbow back into a hug — "but it's not like I'm going to not save everypony just because I can't find her.  And what if she's in Canterlot watching the Wonderbolts or something?  So, if all it took to save Equestria was rutting with somepony, I'd just grab the closest one who said yes, and then I have all the time I want for kisses with Dashie later."

Twilight raised a hoof and opened her mouth to speak, then reconsidered.  She picked up her notebook and counted the tallies.

"Oh," Rarity said faintly.

"Now I feel kinda guilty I didn't think of it like that," Applejack said.

"Yeah," Fluttershy said.

"Oh, good," Twilight said.  "That really does make perfect sense.  It's not just the salt."

"Gotta admit, balloons, you had me freaked out for a second there," Dash said.  "But you're right.  It's not about who you would fuck, is it?  It's about who you wouldn't."

Pinkie kissed Dash on the nose.  "Maybe it is!"

"But is there not room for some standard?" Rarity asked. "I mean, given the entire population of Equestria arrayed in front of you, surely we must all agree there are some ponies who even you would decline."

"Hmm."  Pinkie tapped her chin.  "I like Equestria an awful lot, and I like rutting, so … I'm pretty sure, no."

"A one-year old foal?" Rarity asked, muzzle crinkled in distaste.

"Well, of course not," Pinkie said, looking insulted.  "Foals and colts and fillies don't count.  This is about rutting — about both ponies agreeing to have grown-up fun.  Not …"  Pinkie waved a hoof uncomfortably.  "You know."

Twilight grimaced.  "Yeah, I don't want this discussion going there, either.  Let's assume informed and meaningful consent from both your adult partner-to-be and yourself."

"I am quite alright with that," Rarity said.

"But, seriously, you'd fuck any adult who said yes?" Rainbow asked, looking around for her mug and then staring unsteadily at its empty bottom. 

"Yep!"  Pinkie said, craning her head around the mug to kiss Dash's cheek.

"Granny Smith," Rainbow challenged.

"Dash!" Applejack said.

Pinkie shrugged.  "To save Equestria?  Sure."

"Well, I sure wouldn't!" AJ said.  "What's wrong with you two?"

"Hey, I didn't say I would," Dash said.  "I was just asking."

"I'm sure she didn't mean any insult by it," Twilight cut in.  "Everypony has different limits.  For another example, Fluttershy would rut with Big Macintosh, but even to save the world nopony would expect you to rut with your own brother."

AJ stared at Twilight.  "N-no," she said with a hint of a stammer, breaking eye contact to find her mug.  "Of course not." 

"And everypony would expect Twilight to do Princess Celestia," Pinkie added, "but she still wouldn't."

Twilight's muzzle flushed.  "Now, that's not fair," she mumbled.  "If we're talking about something I had to do to save the world — if there was no other choice —"

"Nuh-uh," Dash said, chuckling.  "No cop-outs, Twi.  You said yourself, meaningful consent from both of you."

"W-well … I-I'd … that is …"

Dash leaned forward with a predatory grin.  "You think she'd share you with her sister, the same way they share the skies?  Get some hot princess three-way going?"

Twilight shrank back from the table, flattening against her chair back as if pinned, her entire face hot.  "I … uh …" she said faintly.

"Dash." Rarity's voice cut in, clear and piercing, dripping with disapproval.  "You stop that this instant.  Matters of the heart are not simple questions, and she should be able to consider them without your appalling tactlessness."

"Lighten up, Rary," Dash said breezily.  "It's a silly question about saving the world with rutting.  It's not like it's going to hurt her to think about it.  It's all in good fun."

Rarity narrowed her eyes.  "If the question is so harmless, little miss foulmouth, why don't you tell us whether you would rut with Gilda."

Rainbow's smile vanished.  She shot to her hooves, kicking her chair back, where it toppled to the floor.  "Fuck you!" she shouted, roughly shoving Rarity in the shoulder.  "Fuck you I would, little miss romantic princess.  To save Equestria?  Without a second thought, I would.  I'd do that thunderfucking bitch, and the instant I was done I'd buck her in the face."

Fluttershy squeaked and dove under the table.  "Dash —" Pinkie said, eyes wide, rooted to her chair.

Applejack — who had leapt from her own chair the instant Rainbow started moving — shouldered roughly in between the two.  "Alright, Dash, you're out of line."

"Fuck you I'm out of line, after what she's been saying all evening —"

"This ain't about Rares."  AJ frowned.  "You don't treat friends like this."

Dash bared teeth.  "I see how it is.  She makes nice with you, so everything's my fault, huh?"

"I'm sorry, Rainbow," Rarity said placatingly, but AJ and Dash ignored her.  The others exchanged glances, uncertain how to respond.

AJ leaned in.  "Sure looks like it, if you're gonna fly off the handle just for gettin' called out —"

"Oh, you are not defending Gilda!" Dash shouted, wings flaring out.  "Don't you —"

Applejack's eyes widened.  "I never —"

"— dare say her name —"

"— mentioned Gilda.  Sun almighty, Dash!  What's wrong with you?"

Rainbow screamed incoherently and threw a hoof at Applejack's face.
> Rock Bottom
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The room exploded into motion.  Rarity shrieked and flung herself backward, her chair tipping onto its back legs and overbalancing.  Fluttershy scrambled further away from the melee, smacking into the table's pedestal and rattling all the glasses and bottles.  Pinkie leaped up and dove at Dash from behind.  Twilight froze, heart stopping.  Applejack fluidly stepped inside the swing, throwing her forelegs around Dash's barrel.  Rainbow windmilled backward, colliding with Pinkie Pie.  The three of them went down in a heap.

"Nggaah!"  Rainbow tried to thrash free, but Applejack pulled her fores tighter and flung Dash sideways, slamming her on her back and sitting on Dash's flailing wings and forelegs.  Pinkie scrambled over and threw herself atop Dash's hinds.  Rainbow struggled ineffectually, then lay still, wheezing for breath.  

Rarity, who had somersaulted backward onto the floor when her chair went down, staggered up onto unsteady hooves.  Twilight shook off her paralysis and galloped over to the scene of the fight.  Under the table, Fluttershy whimpered.

"We all calm now?" Applejack asked.

"Ahuhh," Dash gasped, scrunching her eyes closed, tears pooling and spilling.  "How dare you, Gilda.  Ahuh.  After everything I did for you … to tell me I wasn't good enough."

Applejack shifted her weight, then cautiously got off Rainbow's chest.  "Dash?" she asked, confused.

Dash sobbed.  "Who am I kidding?  I'm such a fuckup.  I did ruin it.  Come back.  Please."

Applejack looked around helplessly.  Twilight's eyes widened in recognition.  "The letter," she whispered.  "Miss Hooves said she got a letter from overseas this morning."

AJ nodded slowly.  "Gilda ain't here, sugarcube," she said, stroking Dash's shoulder.  "She ain't been for a while.  But your friends are.  Can you take a nice, deep breath for us?"

"Ahuh.  Ahuuh."  Dash lay limply, eyelids fluttering.  

Pinkie gently rolled Dash over onto her side, then looked up, the curls of her mane wilting.  "New rule.  Nopony mentions you-know-who for the rest of the party."

Rarity righted her chair with a hornburst and sat down heavily.  "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have brought her up."

"You couldn't have known.  None of us could," Twilight said.  "Is Dash going to be okay?"

Applejack looked up.  "Come to think of it, she's been drinkin' awful heavy all night — about half our moonshine.  That ain't healthy."

Twilight sighed.  "There are some sobriety charms in Dusk Shine's Compendium of Household Magic.  I'm going to go get it.  We're friends here, and I need to get things back under control before somepony ends up regretting tonight."

"I'll be fine," Dash mumbled.  " 'Msorry."

"It's alright, Rainbow.  Just lie there.  I'll be right back."

"No.  'M ruining things again.  I'll jus get back to my chair, an the party …" Rainbow sat up, swaying unsteadily.  "I … I dnn feel so good.  Hrrk."  Her body wracked with a spasm, and vomit sprayed out onto the floor.

"Eeerrgh!" Twilight said, backpedaling.

Applejack sighed.  "Ah, haybales.  I'll get 'er to the bathroom.  There's gonna be more where that came from."

Dash's body lit up in a pale blue glow and lifted off the floor.  AJ looked up, surprised.  "… Rare?"

"Come on, Rainbow Dash."  Rarity walked over and nodded at Applejack.  "I shall take care of it."

"Um, no offense, Rare," Applejack said, "but it's gonna be a mite messy.  Sit back.  I've done this before."

Rarity winced, but stood firm.  "Applejack, she is my friend too, and I feel as though this is my fault.  It's something I need to do."

"Suit yourself."  AJ looked around and grabbed a towel.  "I'll clean."

Fluttershy crept out from under the table toward Applejack.  "Um, I can help.  It won't bother me.  I deal with lots of messes when my animals get sick."

"I'll, uh, go get that spell," Twilight said, and retreated.

Between Applejack and Fluttershy, the mess was quickly sopped up from the hardwood floor.  The muffled sound of retching echoed in from the bathroom.  The other ponies stopped to listen, expecting shrieks to follow it, but all they heard was some tender shushing and quiet sobbing.

Applejack sighed.  "Well, that coulda gone better.  She … uh …"  Her attention was drawn to Pinkie, who was sitting quietly on her chair, hair deflated.  "You alright, sugarcube?"

Pinkie's head snapped up.  "Oh!  AJ."  She gave Applejack a sad smile.  "Poor Dashie.  It's hard seeing her like this, you know?"

"She's havin' a rough night." 

"It's … not just tonight."  Pinkie's voice was subdued.  "I'm trying to make her happy, trying really hard, and I know she likes it and it feels really good when she lets herself go and enjoys me, even if she doesn't want to go beyond kisses, which is fine because really what's important is being with her, and rutting's just another way to have fun …" Pinkie's smile relaxed, but she let out a wistful sigh.  "But sometimes it feels like she's doing it all for me.  Like … I'm not actually making her happy but she enjoys me too much to say no."  Pinkie paused at Applejack's expression.  "Does that sound weird?"

"No," Twilight and Fluttershy chorused.

"Say the saltheads," Applejack muttered.  She rested a hoof on Pinkie's shoulder.  "I promise you, Pinkie, it ain't anything to do with you.  I don't think Dash knows what she wants right now … and that letter ain't helping things.  We can talk with her tomorrow after everypony's had a chance to sleep things off.  Right now I think she just needs a good cry, and if she can do that on Rare's shoulder, then how she feels about you don't have to get tangled up more with the whole Gilda mess."

Pinkie gave Applejack a genuine smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling and her hair poofing back out.  "Thanks, Jackie."  She leaned forward and slipped forehooves around her shoulders in a hug, nuzzling into her neck.  "You're a good friend."

"That's what we're here for," Applejack said, smiling back.

A few minutes later, they'd regathered around the couch, where Dash was laid out, pale and damp, smelling of apples and a cloying sweetness.

"You sure about that spell of yours?" Applejack asked Twilight.  "She looks sicker'n when you started."

"That's the alcohol sweating out through her skin.  This spell pulls it out bit by bit and brings her down gently."  Twilight shifted uncomfortably.  "There's a Stone Cold Sober version too, but the book says it's awfully unpleasant."

"It's helping," Dash said quietly.  "I'm … hrm.  'Better' would be the wrong word.  A little less drunk."

"Aw," Pinkie said, leaning over the arm of the sofa with her face above Rainbow's.  "A little less kisses."

"Heh."  Dash smiled despite herself.  "I'll owe you some, okay?  I'm pretty sure I remember some swearing that you didn't get me for."

"Deal!" Pinkie said, and gave her a quick peck on the nose.

Dash turned her head to glance around her other friends.  "Would it help the rest of you," she said quietly, "if I apologized?"

"It would help if you promised to talk to us about you-know-who," Applejack said, putting a hoof on Dash's leg.  "We're your friends, Dash.  You're supposed to be able to come to us when things hurt, not take swings at our faces."

"I know," Dash said, not able to meet her gaze.  "I was way out of line.  There's no excuse.  I just … she's the last thing I wanted to think about, tonight."

"It's alright, darling."  Rarity put her hoof next to Applejack's on Dash's leg.  "We're here for you, even when you do things that some of us may regret.  For instance, I'll thank you not to vomit on my legs again … but no matter what, we are your friends.  Isn't that right, Twilight?"

Twilight nodded.  "Well put."

Dash laughed humorlessly.  "You must be my friends, if you can forgive me for fucking tonight up so royally."

"You said it again," Pinkie said, leaning down, brushing her nose against Dash's, her pink mane framing the pegasus' face.

"Are you still counting those?  I'm gonna have a lot of kisses to make up for tomorrow.  Wanna cash them in at … hmm. Two o'clock at Miller's Pond?"

"It's a date!"

Dash grinned.  "Great!  Then:  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  Fuck." 

"That's starting to not even sound like a real word," Twilight said as Pinkie giggled.
> Slightly Soberer
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The tension broken, the group returned to their places around the table.

"Well, I think we had some very nice talks tonight about, um.  Fucking," Fluttershy said.

Rarity pressed a pastern to her forehead.  "Great stars.  Rainbow's language is contagious."

"I wish it were, Rary," Dash said.  "You need to loosen up.  You're never going to fit a stallion's cock up your ass while you've got that stick lodged there."

Rarity rolled her eyes.  "Now there's the Rainbow Dash we all know and tolerate.  How many more spells until she's sober, Twilight?"

"I'm feeling a lot more clear-headed, actually."  Dash grinned.  "You're just so much fun to tweak."

"Speaking of fun," Twilight interrupted, shifting uncomfortably, "I think Fluttershy was right.  We were having a great time earlier answering Dash's question, weren't we?  Maybe we could talk about that again."

"Why, Twilight," Rarity said, "thank you for your noble efforts to protect me from Rainbow's fountain of unrefined crudity — wholly unnecessary though they are.  My dignity is a fortress like unto the gleaming walls of Canterlot.  This little barbarian is digging a mud pit outside and pretending that she is crossing the moat."

"That's the spirit, princess froo-froo."

Applejack chuckled.  "As much fun as it is having a front seat to your siege warfare … Twilight does bring up an interestin' point.  Namely, we were all gonna hear about whether she'd rut Princess Celestia back before Dash got worked up."

Twilight blinked.  Her muzzle spread into a half-grin, half-grimace.  "I … walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Yeppers!" Pinkie said.  "So spill!"

"Um," Twilight stalled, heat rising back to her cheeks.

"You know," Dash observed, "I think she might actually not.  Look at her face.  Anypony who has to think that hard about such an ultimate specimen of marehood clearly has some other things going on."

"Plus what she said earlier about the Moona Lisa," Applejack added.

"That's actually kinda cool," Dash said, smiling.  "I mean, finding somepony who wouldn't do Celestia.  I bet even ol' Rary here would fuck her without thinking twice."

"If the Living Sun herself did me the honor of requesting I save Equestria by making love to her?  I couldn't possibly imagine such a situation outside of your twisted hypothetical mind, Rainbow, but you are correct."

"Really?" Twilight stammered.  "Is that the question?  If she asked me?"

"Would it make a difference?"

"Somehow it does seem more likely," Applejack mused.  "I mean, in a 'my faithful student, I gotta ask ya something, desperate times for desperate measures' kinda way."

"Well, of course, I couldn't refuse any request from the Princess," Twilight said, relieved.

"Oh," Dash said.

"'Oh'?"

Dash shrugged and sat up.  "No offense, Twi, but Pinkie was right.  It's more interesting talking about the ponies we wouldn't fuck.  Otherwise it's just like —" she waved a hoof in the air — "'Oh, Spitfire, squee, she's so hot, would you do her?'  'Yes, 'cause she's so hot!' 'Well, I'm glad that's decided!'  At that point saving the world is just an excuse."

"Yeah, but saving the world is such a big thing I'm beginning to think Pinkie's got the right idea," Twilight countered.  "Take out the obvious ones like foals and family members and it's just about, 'is this pony so gross that I'd let Equestria get destroyed rather than rut them?'  There really isn't anypony who's that bad."

"That sounds like a challenge," Dash said, putting her forehooves together and cracking her pastern joints.

"Uh-huh," Twilight said dubiously.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie."

"Pffft.  Come on, Dash.  Insufferable as she was when she came to town for that show, I pity her, not hate her."

"Yeah, but you just know she'd spend the entire rest of her life bragging about how she had saved the world, singlehoofedly, by conquering the Element of Magic.  Within weeks the entire nation would be laughing behind your back at how 'painfully vanilla' you … um, I mean, your friend … is.  You'd have to live with that forever."

Twilight's eyelid twitched.  "Yeah, well," she said, voice level.  "You know what?  If that's the price of saving the world, I guess I'd take it.  Besides, she's harmless.  Nopony would take her seriously."

"Prince Blueblood, then," AJ interjected.

Rarity winced.  "Oh, Applejack.  Must you?"

"Sorry, Rares.  I ain't trying to pick on you, I really ain't.  But think about it.  He's like Trixie times a hundred — a pile'a manure without any better qualities.  He'd take all the credit after, and since he's royalty everypony would take him serious.  Even worse —" she leaned forward — "I reckon he'd be a lousy rut."

Twilight grimaced.  "Yeah.  Ew.  But … to save the world?  I'd do it.  I'd hate myself, but I'd do it."

"I believe there would only be one appropriate response to that scenario," Rarity said evenly.  "If I might humbly quote the words of a learnéd sage —" she cleared her throat and spoke with artificial roughness — "I'd do that thunderfucking prat, and the instant I was done I'd buck him in the face."

"Whoo!" Dash yelled, eyes lighting up, stamping her hinds on the floor.  The others joined in for a round of applause.

"That, Rare?" Applejack said, laughing.  "That was beautiful."

"I'm glad I wasn't drinking," Twilight said.

"Oooooh," Pinkie said, giving Rarity a manic grin.  "I might have to extend the swears-for-kisses rule."

Rarity smiled back sweetly.  "No thank you, darling."

Fluttershy — who had been waiting with an open-mouthed smile for a chance to speak — widened her eyes at that exchange, smile wavering.  She swallowed, then hazarded, "Um, Pinkie, if that's okay with you, I think maybe you should anyway?"

"Nopers!" Pinkie said cheerfully.  "She doesn't want to, so we won't, and that just means we'll find other games to play where everypony has fun!"

"Oh," Fluttershy said, backing away to the side table.  "Okay."  She glanced around it for supplies.

"Geez, so even Blueblood, huh?" Dash said, tapping a hoof to her chin.  Her eyes lit up.  "Okay.  Try this one on.  Discord."

Rarity raised an eyebrow.  "Discord … which is to say, entombed-in-a-statue-for-another-thousand-years Discord?"

"Considering your ladyboner for huge chunks of rock," Dash said with a sly grin, "I guess the answer would be easy for you, huh."

Rarity's eyes narrowed.  "Ha, ha.  I was merely attempting to point out that, were Discord to be released a second time from his imprisonment, I should think we would have larger issues to deal with."

Applejack's face twisted up in disgust.  "No we wouldn't — we're talking about ruttin' to save the world.  Haybales, considerin' the way Discord works, if he did get out I reckon this is the most likely question anypony's asked all night."

"That is a scary question," Twilight said.  "I presume by the nature of the question that the Elements of Harmony have already been ruled out."  She frowned.  "I don't know that we could trust him."

"If it's just one of his tricks, then you can say no with a clear conscience," Dash said.  "Boring.  So let's say we know somehow it's on the level.  Celestia vouches for him, or there's some ancient prophecy, or something."

"Ugh," Twilight said, shifting to cross her hinds.  "Well … at least there's saving the world.  There's that."

"And all you have to do is let him tap you," Dash said, a grin spreading across her muzzle as she watched Twilight squirm.  "Let him blow a full load of dragon spunk —"

"For heavens' sakes, Dash!" Rarity said.

"Feel all the little Discordlets swimming through your insides —"

"Dash," Applejack interrupted firmly, "you can stop right there."

"I don't care how painful the Stone Cold Sober charm is, Twilight," Rarity muttered.  "Please feel free to cast it on her … oh, now."

"I would do it," Fluttershy said.  "For Equestria."

The others turned to where she was standing at the side table, the jug of salt water and the last dregs of the moonshine close at hoof, holding a shotglass full of golden liquid. 

"He's not so scary," Fluttershy continued.  "I think he was really just lonely.  If he escaped his statue and wanted to … to fuck me … maybe doing it would show him that he doesn't have to be so mean to everypony just to be liked."

"I'd do him, too!" Pinkie chimed in.  "He was the most fun bad guy we ever defeated.  He was all about fun."  She sighed dreamily.  "I would do him in a second.  He would be the best at rutting ever."

Rarity's face widened into a comical grimace.  "Twilight," she said tightly.  "I stand corrected.  It's not a sobriety spell we need, it's an 'erase this entire conversation from our brains and let us never speak of it again' spell."

"I don't think such a thing exists," Twilight said, matching Rarity's expression.  She levitated her half-full mug over, drained it, and slammed it down on the side table.  "Starting tomorrow, I will take it as a personal mission to invent whatever new school of magic will allow me to create one."

Dash giggled.  "Well, until then, will you at least tell us whether you'd fuck him?"

"If I ain't interrupting," Applejack said, waggling a hoof, "lemme be the first to say no.  Honestly, even if somepony else was the one makin' the promise about saving Equestria, I just couldn't trust him.  Folks like him, even if they're tellin' the complete truth, got a way of twisting it around.  Maybe it saves Equestria that one time, but who's ta say what the ruttin' would do after?  Maybe it lets him take over my brain, or breaks my link to my Element, and then the next time Equestria's in trouble I ain't there to help."  She crossed her fores decisively.  "Sorry, but if it came down to that, I'd just find some other way."

Twilight bit her lip.  "Ugh.  I don't know.  That's a good point, but … I think I still would.  I'd have to.  A guarantee of saving the world just means too much."  She sighed.  "I'd feel like I was making a bad decision.  I'm sure I'd regret it.  But I'd have to try."

Rarity shook her head.  "I will disagree, in the strongest possible terms.  To give in to base rutting with Discord … Discord, of all foes … would go against every principle of love which I believe.  It would be such a gross violation of sanctity of the act that I fail utterly to see how there could be any redemptive power in it.  If it were somehow to, quote, 'save', end quote, Equestria, then the world which it saves would not be one worth redeeming."

"Huh," Twilight said.  "So that's four to two.  You're right, Rainbow, that was morbidly fascinating, to disagree like that."

"Four to …?" Dash said, raising an eyebrow.  "Wait, you think I'd do him?"

"You … wouldn't?" Twilight said.

"Oh, fuck no.  I'm with Rary on this one."  Dash smirked.  "Like she said, gross.  Come on, you'd seriously let him stuff you with little Discordlets?  I'd find some other way to kick his butt."

"I must say, Rainbow," Rarity muttered, "it is no easy task to transform even agreeing with you into such a degrading act, but somehow, you have done it."

Applejack walked back over to the table, took her mug of cider in both hooves, and straddled her chair, leaning her chest against its back.  "I don't know whether Dash and Rare agreeing shocks me more, or the fact that even Discord half of us would see fit to rut.  Ain't there anybody that all of us can agree goes too far?"

"Given Pinkie Pie's philosophy," Twilight said, "I wouldn't hold out much hope for that."

"The dictionary makers might have to come up with a whole new word for her," Dash said.  "Like, Pinkiesexual."

"Omnisexual," Pinkie and Twilight chorused.  "But that works too!" Pinkie added.

"Everypony but Pinkie, then," Applejack said.

"Queen Chrysalis," Twilight said without hesitation.

"I'm afraid not," Rarity said just as decisively.

"Rarity?" Twilight asked, her muzzle dropping open.  "What.  You?  After what she did to my brother?"

"Ooooh," Dash said.  "This I've gotta hear."

Rarity levitated her mug of cider over from the main table and sipped delicately.  "I would not dare to fault you for taking her attack personally, Twilight," she said, "but before judging the rest of us please do attempt to consider the matter objectively.  The changeling queen feeds on love, yes?"  She tilted her head.  "True love.  She, more than any other villain we have ever faced — more than any pony in this room, perhaps even more than Celestia herself — understands the power of love.  If she were to desire to make love to me, and our efforts were to save the world … it would be the most consummate expression of that power that the world should ever be witness to.  It would be like — no, beyond — the bliss and unity we felt while activating the Elements of Harmony.  To say no to that would be madness."

"She'd …" Twilight was speechless.  "She'd feed on that love!  Feed on you!"

"And you would walk away having saved the world," Rarity said, tilting her mug to check the liquid level.  "Who gets the better end of that bargain?"

"Yeah, you know, Twi, I'd do it too," Dash said.  "She could be anypony you wanted.  If there's a single pony in the world that you'd fuck to save it, you've got her.  I really don't see the downside."

"You'd …" Twilight trailed off, staring at Dash pleadingly.  She suddenly whipped her head away, gritting her teeth.  "I don't believe this.  I don't believe I'm hearing this."

"Twilight," Rarity said, touching a hoof lightly to her shoulder, "please."

Twilight took a tightly controlled breath.  "I'm sorry.  I just wasn't expecting my friends to … this is freaking me out a little."  She levitated her chair over to her spot near the couch, sat heavily, and let out a long sigh.  "I … actually, I think I need to hear this.  What about the rest of you?  Is it just me?  Am I overreacting?"

"I'd rut her too," Applejack said.  "I'm sorry if it hurts to hear, Twi, but like Dash said, if we're in a position where we have a choice an' yes saves the world, I'm havin' a hard time figurin' what would be so bad."  She swallowed some cider.  "At the weddin' none of us got a choice, what with her invading Equestria an' all."

Twilight nodded.  "Yeah.  That's fair, I guess.  And of course Pinkie would …"

The others followed Twilight's gaze as she trailed off.  Pinkie was sitting on the arm of the couch, staring into space, curiously subdued.

"Pinkie?"

The earth pony glanced at Twilight, eyes widening in wonder.  "Ohmigosh.  Twilight.  I just realized something … Rarity was right."

"About?" Rarity asked.

"There is somepony I wouldn't do!" Pinkie said, voice hushed.  "I thought about it and thought about it, but I wouldn't actually rut Queenie Meanie.  Because, ew."

"Pinkie," Dash said, raising her eyebrows, "could you say that again when I'm halfway through a drink?  Because, um, seriously?"

Pinkie shoved a mug of moonshine into Dash's hooves from out of nowhere.  "Okay!"

Dash blinked and lowered the mug.  "Figure of speech, balloons.  But seriously!  You'd do every pony in the world, but not the thing that could turn into any of them?  I don't get it."

Pinkie fidgeted.  "Dashie … it didn't matter what she zapped herself into, 'cause I know what she actually looks like, and I wouldn't be able to rut with her without thinking …"  Her body twitched.  "She's all full of holes in places where holes aren't supposed to be, and that just gives me the jibblie-wibblies, and I wouldn't even be able to touch her mare bits without thinking of mare bits with holes in them and what if she turned into a stallion and I had to have something with holes going inside me and —" Pinkie let out a burp, eyes unfocusing, face flushing pale red.  "Oooooh.  I can't think about it any more.  It's making my stomach go all upside down …"

At the side table, Fluttershy stared into her shotglass, scrunched up her mouth, downed the Liquid Courage in a single gulp, and walked forward.  "There, there," she soothed, pulling Pinkie into a hug from behind, curling a wing gently around her, stroking a hoof through her puffy mane.  "It's okay, Pinkie.  You don't have to think about scary mare parts.  She doesn't have any holes in her bits."

"Yeah," Twilight said, glancing behind her and pulling a book off the wall.  "That wouldn't make any biological sense."

Pinkie blinked, refocusing on her friend's gentle touch.  She smiled and leaned back into the hug.  "Aww, thanks, Fluttershy.  You're good at calming jibblies."

"Am I?" Fluttershy said, a light blush shading her cheeks to match her hair.  "Thank you.  I … I like making my friends feel better."

Pinkie wriggled, rotating to bring the hug face-to-face with Fluttershy, and rubbed her nose to the pegasus', face crinkling into a smile.  "So what about you?  Would you do her?"

Fluttershy smiled, rubbing a rear hoof against the side of the sofa, wings quivering, taking short little breaths as she stared down her nose straight into Pinkie's eyes.  "I … squeak."  She opened and closed her mouth, swallowing, recovering her voice.  "I would … would, fuck … Chrysalis."

Pinkie beamed at Fluttershy.  "Awww!  That's super sweet of you."

"Um," Fluttershy said, her smile growing brittle, cheeks' color deepening to crimson. 

"Well," Applejack said,  "That makes four —"

"Again," Fluttershy blurted out.  "I mean."

"Pfffbtbttt!"  Dash doubled over, coughing up moonshine, half-full mug splashing to the floor.

Even the clock in the kitchen seemed to stop ticking for several moments, leaving just the staccato of Dash's coughs to break the silence.

The book in Twilight's horngrip slowly closed.  "What."
> Saving Equestria
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fluttershy squeaked something in a pitch almost beyond hearing, face red, and bolted for the closet.  She got halfway there before a purple aura dragged her backward, hoof-edges skidding along the floor.

"Flutters," Dash said, red-faced herself from trying to recover her breath.  "What the actual fuck."

"Eeebee ee eemee eeee," the pegasus squealed, hooves flailing as Twilight hauled her into midair.

"You are my friend and nopony here is going to hurt you," Twilight said, holding up a hoof to shush the others, "but by all stars' love, Fluttershy, please, please, tell me you're joking, or I misheard that, or … or I don't even know, just, gaaaaaah!"

Fluttershy balled up, shivering.  "N-no," she whispered.

Twilight's body sagged.  She pressed a hoof to her temple.  "I don't even know if I want to know. … No.  No, I don't.  But you have to tell us, for Equestria's sake.  When?"

"A-about a week after the wedding."

"Where were you?  Do you know where she is now?  When's the last time you saw her?  Did you —"

"Twilight!" Rarity interrupted.  "You're scaring the poor dear."

Twilight ground her teeth.  "Fine.  You ask.  But we need every detail and Celestia needs the whole story yesterday."

"We will handle this with all appropriate haste," Rarity said, "as friends.  Let her go, please."

Twilight dropped her hornglow.  Fluttershy shot to the arm of the sofa, cowering behind Pinkie Pie, teary eyes peeking out from behind the earth pony's side.

"Darling," Rarity said gently, "the Royal Guards searched the whole length of Equestria for a month after the shield spell flung her away, and swept through every town multiple times with detection spells.  Are you quite certain it was her?"

"I know they did," Fluttershy whispered.  "I-it was her.  She wasn't disguised."

Rarity exchanged a glance with Twilight.  "Where did you meet?"

"In the Everfree Forest.  I found her while I was out collecting roots."  Fluttershy swallowed.  "She, um.  She was unconscious and hurt.  She needed help."

"Wait a titch," Applejack said, recognition dawning.  "This was the week nopony could come over 'cause you caught the bunny flu?"

Fluttershy nodded.  "I brought her home."

Twilight made a strangled noise.  "She's going to put us in a dungeon in the place she banishes us to and then she's going to banish us again."

"When Chrysalis woke up, she tried to, um.  To bribe me not to turn her in to Celestia," Fluttershy said.  "She said Celestia was going to kill her.  I told her that, even though she had made a lot of ponies very upset, Celestia wouldn't do that.  I don't think she believed me, though, because she tried to run away when I was at the farmer's market."  Fluttershy scuffed a hoof against the floor.  "She was too hurt to get very far.  I didn't want her trying again, so I promised her I wouldn't tell anypony about her until she was better."

"I can't believe it," Applejack muttered, shaking her head numbly.

"The next day, as I was changing her bandages, she asked why I was helping her after everything she'd done.  I told her it was because I thought everypony deserves a second chance.  She got very quiet after that.  Finally she, she …" Fluttershy lowered her head.  "She started crying, and she begged me to let her feed.  She was so hungry.  She said she'd do anything I wanted to make me love her.  Anything at all."  Fluttershy swallowed.  "I told her that even though I was scared of her, I knew she needed help, and I would trust her if she promised to be nice to me and my friends."

"Feed?" Rarity asked.  "You mean …"

"Yes," Fluttershy said.  "That's when we, we …" She glanced up at Pinkie, who stroked her mane reassuringly.  "We fucked.  She said she could be anypony that I wanted her to be.  I told her I just wanted her to be herself, that if she kept changing she'd never feel anypony love her for who she really was."  Fluttershy smiled at the memories.  "I had to be gentle, but it was still very good.  I was really tired by the time it was over."

"Because she ate your love, Fluttershy!" Twilight blurted out, horrified.

"I know," Fluttershy said, smile falling away.  "She took a lot.  I fainted right afterward.  When I woke up I was really dizzy and I couldn't move.  I lay there for a few minutes, alone, and then I heard her walk in.  She was breathing funny.  She put her hoof on me, and I didn't move, so I think she thought I was asleep … and she …" Fluttershy whimpered and closed her eyes.

"Oh, stars," Rarity said.  "Are you alright?"

"She …" Fluttershy took a trembling breath.  "I felt her breath on my neck.  I think she was going to … to eat more."

Twilight paled.  "But she'd already totally drained you."

"I know," Fluttershy whispered, sniffling.  "I was so scared.  All I could do was lie there.  She sniffed me, and then … and then I heard her move.  I closed my eyes again.  I felt her breath on my face, not so close.  Then she backed away, and sobbed, except I think she was trying to be quiet so she wouldn't wake me up, and she flew off crying."

"She almost killed you," Twilight said, stunned.  "Killed you!" 

"When you're hungry, it's easy to do things you regret," Fluttershy said.

"Hush, Twilight," Rarity said.  "What happened?"

"A few hours later, when I could move, I found her in the corner of the basement.  I could see how hungry she still looked.  She cried more, and told me she'd almost done something very bad.  I told her I knew, and she was very brave to keep her promise, and I would feed her more as soon as I could."

"You rutted 'er more'n once?" Applejack asked.

"Yes.  Every night after that.  She kept getting stronger, and some of her holes went away.  But she started getting more restless and avoiding me.  Finally, she told me she loved me, too.  She said if she kept feeding on me, while building up her own love inside her, she would have spawned a new brood, and they would have eaten her like she almost ate me."  Fluttershy's head lowered.  "If she had stayed, we'd both have been in danger.  She said she'd try to make it up to me someday.  Then … she left."  Tears dripped from Fluttershy's eyes, but they streaked down a muzzle wistfully smiling. 

"When was that?" Rarity asked.

"That was … um … two months ago, now?"  Fluttershy wiped the tears from her cheeks.  "I haven't seen her since."

"But since she had love to feed on, she also would have had to avoid …" Twilight's jaw dropped open.  "Great Sun."

"What?"

"Fluttershy … the princess sent me a letter just last month that the Royal Guard had smashed a Changeling swarm gathering in the Everfree.  They were disorganized, but gathering numbers.  The Guard would have been overwhelmed if they'd had the leadership to fight back effectively."  Twilight looked up, face pale.  "I think … you did save Equestria."

Fluttershy's eyes widened.  "Oh."

An astonished smile spread across Pinkie Pie's face.  "With sex!"  She whirled around, grabbing Fluttershy under the shoulders.  "Do you know what this means?"

Fluttershy squeaked as she was lifted, but she returned Pinkie's stare.  "Um," she said, muzzle flushing, "I think, if it's alright with you, you meant, um.  With.  Fucking."

Pinkie giggled.  "Well, sure, if you want to be all Dashie about it."

"I think if she saved the world she gets to be all whoever she wants about it," Rainbow said, wide eyes locked on Fluttershy.

"I still can't believe it," Applejack said, glancing down into her empty mug and then around the room.

Fluttershy brightened.  "Um, yes," she said.  "That would be nice.  I mean, to be all Dashie about it."

Twilight stood.  "I need to write Celestia."

"In the morning, darling," Rarity said, looking as shellshocked as the rest.  "It's nothing that can't wait until we're sober.  If this is really happening, at any rate.  Doubly embarrassing if it isn't."

"Ooooh," Pinkie breathed.  "That could be fun!  You could be Dashie, and then she could be you!  You'd get to make swears a lot and kick clouds and sleep and fly really fast and help me pull pranks and … ooh!  And Dashie would get to help out all the animals which she could be really good at because she's got a pet, right?"

Fluttershy stared into Pinkie's eyes and cleared her throat hopefully.

"… What?" Pinkie asked.

"Um," Fluttershy said.  She chewed her lip.  "Um.  Pinkie Pie?  Could you please, if it's not too much trouble, I mean.  Say, um.  Fuck."

Pinkie tilted her head, looking at Fluttershy quizzically.  Then recognition sparked in her eyes.  "Oh.  Oooooohhhh."  She gave the pegasus an encouraging smile.  "Fuck."

Fluttershy smiled back.  "Thank you."

Then she grabbed Pinkie's body tightly, pulling her down off the arm of the chair, locking her muzzle around the earth pony's.  They hit the floor with a rough thump.  Neither of them seemed to care.

Pinkie giggled.  "Mmmmm.  Mmrhhm mmnnm."

The remaining ponies stared in dull silence, then slowly turned their heads to look at each other.

"Well," Applejack said, "I reckon I'm gonna go throw some sheets on the double bed in your basement, Twi.  At this rate, might as well admit there are some ponies here gonna end up tangled up together, and at least give 'em a place to do it that ain't here on the floor in front of all an' sundry."  She turned and staggered off without waiting for a response.

"About that," Twilight said.  "There's plenty of crash space here, and everypony is welcome to stick around, or see themselves to bed — without me.  Because I swear if just one more thing blows my mind tonight, they will have to build a whole new wing at the Ponyville Asylum to hold all the pieces."  She stepped onto the stairs, smiling at nothing in particular, bracing herself against the wall.  "I am done.  I'm going to go write a letter that nopony will ever believe, leave it on my desk, and then when I reread it in the morning we can all have a good laugh at how salted I got."

Rainbow picked up her mug from where it had spilled on the floor during her spit-take.  "I oughta clean that up.  Then I.  Um.  I think I'm going to the kitchen for some water."

"I think I shall join you," Rarity said, eyes unfocused.  "I feel as though I ought to give those two some privacy, but if I am forced to be alone with my thoughts right now, I am afraid that I might start screaming and not stop."

Pinkie's head popped up from the far side of the couch.  "Oh, it's okay!  We can go to the bed in the basement and celebrate her saving the world there."  But the grin on her face fell away as she looked at Rainbow.  "Um … Dashie?" she asked in a small voice.  "Is that … I mean … alright with you?  I guess I just got excited and I, um," her ears wilted, "didn't think."

"You know," Rainbow said, "maybe I ought to be mad right now, or jealous, or …" She shook her head.  "I'm sure that some part of my brain is freaking out as we speak.  But really?  I'm strangely okay with this."  She gave Pinkie a shaky but reassuring smile.  "You go have fun, balloons.  You're my friend and I like seeing you happy."

Pinkie's smile instantly returned.  "You're the best, Dashie!  And I hope that you want to rut someday."  She leaped to her hooves and bounced downstairs, pulling a goofily smiling Fluttershy in tow.

"See," Rarity said after she and Rainbow were alone, "you are a romantic at heart."

"Fuck you too."

"Such a tantalizing offer!  How shall I ever turn it down?"

Rainbow opened her mouth to snap back, but was interrupted by hooves clomping up the basement stairs.  Applejack climbed into view, staring fixedly ahead.  "Right!" Applejack said shakily.  "Well, I'm sure glad somepony's so eager to put those sheets to use that they can't even wait till I leave, ha ha.  Everypony's goin' to bed so it must be bedtime, right?  That sounds like a plan.  Bedtime."  She staggered into one of the side guest rooms and slammed the door.

Rainbow stared at the closed door for a moment, waiting until the sounds of ponies' departure had died down, then whirled and threw her mug to the ground.  "Nnhah!" she snarled through clenched teeth.  The mug bounced with a wet crack and tumbled past the sofa and into the kitchen.

"Rainbow," Rarity said quietly, "for what little it's worth, that was noble of you."

"Fuck off," Dash said, voice trembling.  She turned squarely to face Rarity.  "Don't you 'noble' me.  'Noble' is for gleaming perfect pretty princesses who would faint if they ever came within a horseshoe's throw of fucking up."

Rarity's look of sympathy turned brittle.  "Well."  She leaned forward, nose to nose with the pegasus.  "If you think I've never done anything I have regretted," she hissed, "then please explain me making friends with you."

"Because you need somepony to pretend to be better than, when you come home from your empty life with the hippophobic Canterlot snobs."

"You tell yourself that the next time you're coating my legs with liquor you can't hold."

A smile crept onto Rainbow's face.  "I will.  You know why?  Cause fucking up means at least you're trying.  You're so afraid to live you won't even touch anything harder than cider."

Rarity smirked back.  "A lecture on fear from the mighty Rainbow Dash, whose best friend is tangled in the legs of another mare right now because for a month you've been too terrified to try to make her happy."

Dash blanched, but her smile didn't waver.  "Fuck you, Rary.  Sit and spin on a chunky stick.  You can call out the name of your perfect fantasy lover while you stuff it in, and then go sob in your empty bed."

Rarity's smile broadened.  "Am I hitting a little too close to home, Dashie?" she whispered.  "Are you going to hoof me now, and show the world you're as worthless sober as you are drunk?"

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?  For somepony better than you to treat you the way you actually want." 

Rarity's muzzle tightened, but she couldn't keep the corner of her mouth from twitching.  "Don't flatter yourself, you craven beast, just because you've learned to grunt and scratch your wingpits when ponies speak of desire."

Dash's smile grew predatory.  "Something the matter, Rary?" she whispered.  "Oh, that's right, you thought I was too stupid to understand what Twilight's vanilla comment meant.  You got her behind closed doors and begged her to treat you like a whore, didn't you?  Of course she freaked out on you, you desperate, pathetic cow."

"You'd know all about whoring, wouldn't you," Rarity snapped back through a blank mask-like grin, "if even a freak like Gilda charged you too much."

Rainbow whipped up her forehooves, grabbing Rarity by the sides of her head.  Rarity flinched and threw her own fores up, bracing one against Rainbow's forehead and one against her chest.  The two froze, locked in sharp-grinned venomous glares.

"Sorry, Rary," Rainbow whispered.  "But you already played the Gilda card tonight.  All you've got against the truth is a cheap shot, huh?"

"Let go of me, you bitch," Rarity hissed, her smile vanishing.

"Gilda didn't deserve me.  And you know something else?"  Dash's mouth fell to a dark, flat line.  "Neither does Pinkie.  She deserves a good pony."

"You deserve to drown in your own vomit." 

That brought a smirk back to Rainbow's face.  "You know what you deserve, then?"

Before Rarity could answer, Rainbow roughly yanked the unicorn's head forward with both hooves, slamming their muzzles together, clamping her lips hard around Rarity's.  "Mmph!" Rarity protested, more from the sudden movement's rush of breath than from any effort to speak.

She bit.

Rainbow's eyes widened.  "Mmmph!" she cursed, jerking her head back, a stream of blood spilling down the front of her muzzle.  She yanked a hoof back to touch her lip in disbelief — a moment before a hard backhoof smack from Rarity sent her to the ground, the sound echoing around the room.

Rainbow blindly bucked out with a hind.  It connected with something fuzzy.  There was a yelp.  A moment later, Rarity's body landed hard atop hers, driving all the air out of Dash's lungs.  As she struggled to recover, two hooves clamped around her neck, lifting her head and slamming it back into the floor.

Rainbow lay, dazed.  Rarity hauled herself forward to sit heavily atop the pegasus' chest.  Both glared at each other, gasping for breath, Rainbow's eyes refocusing after the hard knock.

Rarity leaned forward.  "That," she hissed, face boiling with rage, the corner of her own mouth welling out into a tiny trickle of blood, "was for daring to lay your filthy bitch hooves on me, you subequine cunt.  And this —"

She lunged downward, pinning Rainbow's shoulders to the floor, clamping her muzzle hard around Dash's, tongue desperately probing.  Rainbow flailed her hooves ineffectually against Rarity's side, then found purchase, grabbing and yanking her downward.  Rarity overbalanced, and Dash kicked out, flinging her sideways.  They tumbled, muzzles locked, bodies tangled, and Dash came to rest on top, throwing her weight into a foreleg-pin that had Rarity grimacing in pain.

Dash yanked back her bloody muzzle, gasping for breath.  She grinned maniacally.  "Fuck you, whore."

Rarity bared her teeth, growling deep in her throat like some Everfree beast, nostrils flaring with quick, violent breaths.  "Fuck you, slut."

They both collided back into the kiss, moaning, hips squirming as their bodies grappled, hinds locked, their sexes leaving wet patches on each other's inner thighs.

A door swung open with an anticlimactic creak.  "Alright, Pinkie, Fluttershy," a voice came from the second floor.  "I'm not trying to interrupt, I just forgot my sweet fucking alicorn shit —" and Twilight missed a step and tumbled ass over teakettle down the stairs, slamming into the hardwood floor at the bottom.

The entwined pair awkwardly scrambled to their hooves.  

"Twilight!" Rarity said, eyes widening.  

"Twi," Dash pleaded through a bloodied muzzle, a ring around one eye starting to swell and darken.  "It's not what it looks like —"

Twilight staggered upright.  "Stone cold sober," she yelled, horn flaring up, purple auras engulfing two bodies.  

And that was that.