Bite It
It all started one night, an evening just like any other, except that there was a giant shimmering mare of darkness looming above a crowded room full of cowering equines.
“Oh, my beloved subjects,” Nightmare Moon cooed. She stood menacingly upon a balcony before the Town Hall crowd. “It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces.”
Rainbow Dash rose to the occasion. “What did you do with our Princess?!” Snarling, she darted towards the evil alicorn like a courageous blue bullet.
She was yanked back in place by a farm mare gripping her prismatic tail with a pair of iron-wrought jaws. “Whoah, there, Nelly!” Applejack exclaimed through clenched teeth.
And Rainbow Dash was frustratingly anchored in place.
It continued not long after, when a lavender pony rummaged through a library, as lavender ponies are wont to do.
“Elements, Elements, Elements!” Twilight Sparkle stammered as she tossed one tome after another into a growing, dusty pile. “Unngh! How can I stop Nightmare Moon without the Elements of Harmony?!”
Just then, Rainbow Dash flew into the unicorn's face, frowning intimidatingly while her voice cracked, “And just what are the Elements of Harmony?!” She flew forward with a threatening hiss, shoving Twilight further and further towards the wall of the treehouse. “And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh?” Her ruby eyes narrowed like daggerpoints. “Are you a spy?!”
That very nanosecond, Rainbow Dash was treated to the sound of her yelping voice as a monumental force yanked her back.
Applejack had her by the tail. With one firm pull of her teeth, she dragged the pegasus away from Twilight, spat out Rainbow's colorful hairs, and drawled, “Simmer down, Sally. She ain't no spy.” The rest of Applejack's close friends trotted into the library as she faced the pensive unicorn. “But she sure knows what's goin' on.”
And, sighing, Rainbow Dash flicked her tail hairs straight. She hovered still, patient.
It happened again, this time in broad daylight, as Rainbow Dash smiled her way out of a foggy daydream.
“The ponies would go wild!” she chirped, her ruby eyes sparkling in the sunlight over Sweet Apple Acres. “The Wonderbolts would insist that my signature moves be incorporated into their routine, and then welcome me as their newest member!” Grinning with bright blue dimples, she floated up towards her new friend. “Don't you see, Twilight?! This could be my one chance to show 'em my stuff!” She beamed in Twilight's face. “You've gotta pick me!”
Before Twilight could respond, Rainbow Dash was pulled backwards by a herculean grip, which turned out to be Applejack's toothy frown clamped over the spectral end of her tail.
“Hnnngh!” Applejack lisped through the fruit-colored strands. “Hold on just one pony pickin' minute here!” She spat the tail out—“Ptooie!”—and sneered in Rainbow's surprised face. “I asked for that ticket first!”
And Rainbow Dash stood her ground, ready to retort.
Then, on yet another occasion, as several ponies began their arduous ascent towards a smoldering mountain peak, Rainbow Dash soared ahead of the group with a strong tail wind.
“I'm gonna fly up there and check it out!” she bravely declared. She flapped her wings heavily, but she wasn't gaining any altitude. The reason for this became clear as she was snapped back towards the source of a countrified accent.
“Hold on now!” Applejack said as Rainbow Dash glared at her. “I think we should all go up together!” She tilted the brim of her hat and added, “Safety in numbers ‘n'all.”
And Rainbow let out the biggest groan of her life, folding her forelimbs and glaring off into space as her tail drooped limply beneath her... like a threadbare pendulum...
Finally, on a bright, dewy morning, as the sunlight glinted off the golden delicious apples of Sweet Apple Acres...
“Why, howdy there, Fluttershy!” Applejack exclaimed, setting down a pitchfork beside a wagon full of hay. She tilted her hat back and grinned at her friend as she softly trotted up. “What brings you here so early?”
“I fixed Winona's leash liked you asked me too,” Fluttershy said with a bashful smile.
“Shucks! So soon? You didn't have to hurry or nothin', girl!”
“Oh, but I didn't have much else that I was doing.” Fluttershy reached back into a pink saddlebag on her side and pulled out the round canvas item in question. “All it took was sewing on an extra bit to the end. My hooves are a bit rusty, so I had Angel help me. His paws are tiny enough to get the job done.”
“Well, a mighty heap'o'thanks to both you and Angel Rabbit!”
“Bunny.”
“Whatever. Varmint's a varmint,” Applejack muttered. At the potential receiving end of a stare, she gulped and said, “Erm... I mean... what a helpful little critter you've got in that cottage of yers!” She took the collar from Fluttershy and examined it up close. Whistling, she said, “Well, I'll be! That's a mighty fine job! Winona's gonna love this! It was a bit too tight, beforehand. All her barks came out too high-pitched, if ya know what I mean.”
Fluttershy giggled lightly and smiled. “Well,” she said. “I'm just glad to help.” She squinted her eyes at the barn behind Applejack. “Say. Where're all your apple baskets? I thought you had some fruit to gather this afternoon.”
Applejack sighed, her head tilting towards the rough soil below them. “Reckon I did. However, something's come up. I—”
“What is it?!” a voice cracked, and suddenly Rainbow Dash was landing between them with a flash of blue feathers. “You donating all the wicker to Town Hall?! Don't tell me it's Burning Mare already!”
“Eeeep!” Fluttershy jumped back, her dainty chest rising and falling. “Oh, Rainbow! You scared me!”
Applejack frowned at Rainbow. “Don'tcha'll know it's rude to be droppin' in with no announcin' whatsoever?”
“Didn't you see the big glowy thing over the east horizon?”
“Uhhh... you mean the sun?”
“There's my announcement!” Rainbow Dash did a backflip, landed, and breathed the crisp, morning air. “Whewwww-yeah! The day is mine! You boring ponies are just living in it!”
Applejack rolled her emerald eyes. “Story of my cotton-pickin' life...”
“So what happened to your baskets, AJ? For real?”
“Oh... It's not that important, really,” Applejack said, this time with a nervous titter. “I just... uhm...” She fanned herself with her hat. “I moved them! Yeah! I felt they were takin' up too much room in the barn!”
“But Applejack!” Fluttershy exclaimed, blinking wide. “I saw them here just yesterday when I came to pick up Winona's leash! Do you mean to tell us that you moved them all on your lonesome overnight? You must not have gotten any sleep!”
“Erm... well... you see... uhhh...” Applejack gulped. “I had help! And... uhm...”
“Wait a sec...” Rainbow Dash raised her right wing like a forelimb to halt the conversation. With suspicious, squinting red eyes, she spied the dirt below them. Several hoof tracks spiraled in the soil, leading to and from the barn. “These hoofprints are leading towards the west field.” She raised an eyebrow in Applejack's direction. “You don't have any apple orchards in the west field. Why would you and your family be carrying the baskets there?”
“Because... uh... because we were getting them washed up! Yup! Dirty baskets are the worst!”
Rainbow Dash glared. “But your well is closer to the east field.”
Applejack bit her lip. “Erm...”
“Applejack...”
“What?”
Rainbow Dash leaned forward. “It's that family from the Everrun Farm, isn't it?”
“Ehm... I...” Applejack backed up, nervous. “I wouldn't know anything about—”
“They're stealing your stuff again! Aren't they?” The ire in Rainbow Dash's heaving figure rose and rose with each epiphanous sentence she spout. “And right after all that horse hockey they said about you and Granny Smith ruining their irrigation! Ugh!” She stomped her hooves angrily. “It's not enough that they're compulsive liars, but they gotta steal your stuff now too?”
“Now Rainbow Dash...”
“Why didn't you tell us all about this sooner?!”
Applejack stomped her hoof in return. “'Cuz I didn't want to make a fuss! That's why!” She frowned. “The Everrun Family is just confused, is all!”
“Confused?!” Rainbow Dash spat. “AJ, they're stealing your apple baskets! That's like your life blood and stuff!”
“That's very mean of them,” Fluttershy softly added, trembling. “If you at least told Twilight, maybe she could get them to stay away for good. She knows the Princess, after all—”
“No!” Applejack blurted, forcing Fluttershy to gasp. “That's exactly the kind of stuff I didn't want to get involved! We country ponies are already takin' care of this! Big Mac and Granny went to the Everrunners to talk it over all civil like! We don't need to blow this up to smithereens any more than it’s already fixin’ to!”
“So what?” Rainbow Dash grunted. “Those punks will just walk all over you and come back next week to steal something even more valuable! Pfft! Civil, my eye!” She spun around and spread her wings with a devilish smirk. “It's about time somepony taught them a lesson...”
“No, Rainbow!” Applejack shouted.
“Let's see them steal apple baskets with their hooves shoved down their throats!” With a rocketing noise, Rainbow Dash flew westward.
“I said no!” And Applejack jumped. Her teeth clamped over Rainbow's tail, and Rainbow kept flying.
The one thing that broke the moment was a grand, sickening pop that resonated across the orchards like a gunshot.
Fluttershy's shriek was cut off by a pair of yellow hooves slapping over her muzzle. Her wide eyes stared up at Rainbow Dash in disbelief. “Mmmmm...!” was all she could horrifically utter.
“‘Mmmm’-What?” Rainbow Dash blinked innocently, hovering in mid-air. She glanced back over her shoulder, then down at empty space.
Applejack's eyes crossed, following the spectral strands in her mouth, their falling length, finally the opposite end of the tail as it fell unceremoniously towards the uneven dirt below.
What followed next were five lengthy seconds of silence, each breath of which was occupied with numb and dumb stares.
Then all three broke into a cacophonous fit of hysterical noise.
“Ptoooie!” Applejack spat her end out and backed away from the tail like it was a coral snake. “What in tarnation?!”
“Whoah! Horseapples!”
“Oh goodness!”
“How in the hay is that even possible?!”
“AJ, what did you do?!”
“But it's never done that before!”
“Well you've never been such a huge flippin' idiot before!”
“Hey! You were about to go murder my neighbors!”
“I was not! I was just going to go punch them... softly!”
“Never mind that! How in the name of apples and oranges did this happen?”
“Omigoodness! Omigoodness!”
“Fluttershy! Jeez!” Rainbow Dash frowned down at her. “Stop being such a... such a...” Her eyes rolled back in her head as her cracking voice let out one lasting squeeak. “...wussssss.” With a sound akin to a collapsing sack of potatoes, Rainbow Dash fell hard on the ground, her legs sticking up like an adorable blue cockroach.
“Land's sakes!” Applejack's hat fell off.
“Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy rushed over, crouching at her side and putting her ear against the stiff pegasus' chest. “Oh no! Her pulse is so weak!” She launched a frown at Applejack. “Did you really have to pull so hard!”
“Look, I'm sorry!” Applejack retorted, red in the face. “If I had known she woulda fallen apart so dag-blame'd easily, her Momma shoulda slapped a 'fragile' stamp on her keister the day she first fell out of her sky cradle!”
“This isn't funny, Applejack!” Fluttershy stammered, close to tears. “She needs help! We need to get her inside!”
“Wha—Huh? Inside? What in blazes for?”
“Can't you feel it? It's sweltering out here! We need to get her somewhere that's cool!”
“Fine!” Applejack rushed over. “Help me heave her onto my backside.”
“Nnnnnnnngh!” Fluttershy shoved in futility against Rainbow with her skull. Her feeble hooves made scraping motions against the pliable earth.
“Oh for the love of oats—Allow me!” Applejack hoisted the the tail-less Rainbow limply over her spine. “Now don't y'all so much as sneeze on her or else her wings might fly off and hit a cat!”
“Applejack!”
“I'm a'gettin'! I'm a'gettin'!” With a scrambling Fluttershy in tow, Applejack carried the dead weight of awesomeness into her farm house. A lone rope of multicolored hairs was left to flutter in the wind behind them, like a fallen flag...
“Where are we headed?” Fluttershy breathlessly stammered as she clambered up the stairs behind Applejack.
“Nnnngh!” Applejack sweated and grunted. “To my room.”
“We could have put her on the couch downstairs!”
“I got a nice window above my bed for a breeze to come through!” Applejack said. “That's what all this is about, right?”
“Yes! The most comfortable we can make her, the better!”
“Reckon she'd like being cooler, even if it was beyond the grave...”
“D-don't say that!”
“Well what do you want me to say?! My head's still got a Charley Horse from what just happened!” With a guttural sound, Applejack headbutted the door to her room open. She took two mighty strides and unceremoniously dropped Rainbow onto the mattress like a fuzzy suitcase. “Whew! Easy on the cloud biscuits, girl!”
“Lemme take a look at her!” Fluttershy said, rushing over to stretch Rainbow Dash evenly on her backside while Applejack flung the window wide open.
Rainbow's chest meekly rose and fell.
“It's worse than I thought!” Fluttershy whimpered. “She could be suffering blood loss! Maybe even brain damage!” She sniffled as her eyes began watering. “She m-might become our m-most loyal vegetable!”
“Celestia forbid...”
“Something's gotta be done!”
“You betcha!” Applejack swiveled around and made to gallop out of the room. “I'll go fetch Nurse Redheart!”
“No!” Fluttershy shouted.
Applejack screeched to a stop. She spun her head and gawked at her. “No?”
“Rainbow Dash may not last long enough for Redheart to save her!” Fluttershy gulped. “She's so short of air, she needs pony CPR!”
“Pony CPR?”
“Yes! Pony Cardioponyresuscitation.” Fluttershy blinked, then glanced down at her squirming hooves. “Though now that I think about it, that is rather redundant—”
“Fluttershy!”
“Eeep! What?!”
“You sure about this?”
“Absolutely!”
“Then do it!”
“Oh no!” Fluttershy's ears drooped as she backed into a corner. “I-I can't!”
Applejack stomped towards her. “And why not?!”
“B-because my lungs are too weak!” Fluttershy bit her lip, sniffled, and looked down at Rainbow Dash. “If she was one of my little mice, or bunny rabbits, I just might be able to! But Rainbow's lungs are some of the strongest, most durable in all of Equestria! She needs a pony who's strong! A pony who's resilient! A pony who's tough!”
“Like who?” Applejack asked. When her eyes next blinked, it resembled the sound of champagne glasses clinking. She groaned long and hard. “Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me...”
“Please, Applejack!”
“There's gotta be somepony else!”
“Rainbow Dash might die!”
“She wasn't pullin' that much of her weight around while she was alive!”
“You were the one who yanked her tail off!” Fluttershy said, bravely frowning. “Isn't it the least that you can do?! After all, how is Rainbow Dash ever gonna fly again without good tail balance?”
“Fine! FINE!” Applejack groaned, trotting towards the bed. “Just don't give me the stare or nothin'.” She gulped. “How do I do this again? Just like in them health brochures?”
“First, you must get on top of Rainbow Dash.”
Applejack stared into space.
“Applejack!”
“Right! Okay!” Applejack crawled onto the bed. She crossed her hooves over Rainbow Dash's middle. “Right hereabouts?”
“Higher.”
“Er... I knew that.”
“And follow me!” Fluttershy squatted down beside the bed, opened Rainbow's mouth, and bobbed her own shoulders with an undulating charade. “One one thousand... two one thousand...”
“...three one thousand... four one thousand...” Applejack followed Fluttershy's beat.
“Breathe!” Fluttershy gestured towards Rainbow's mouth.
Applejack face was twisted, her one eye squinted open. “Nnnnnngh—”
“Breathe, Applejack!” Fluttershy slapped the bedpost. “Breathe!”
“R-right! We're breathin!” Applejack tossed her head down, crossed lips with Rainbow Dash's, and exhaled for all she was worth. Hoisting herself back up, she gnashed her teeth and repeated the motion. “One one thousand... two one thousand... three one thousand...”
“Yes!” Fluttershy squeaked, her wings twitching. “Just like that! Pretend you're a Mommy bird gently feeding her young—”
“Shuddup! Four one thousand—Breathe!” Applejack bent over and clamped her lips over Rainbow's again. After exhaling, she sat back up. “This is no use!”
“Have patience!”
“Buck patience!” Applejack straddled Rainbow's thighs. “I gotsta pound her harder, is what!” She slapped the pegasus' chest this time, causing the whole bed to squeak and rattle. “One one thousand! Two one thousand! Three one thousand—”
Rainbow Dash's limp ears flopped back and forth. A thin river of drool came out of the corner of her mouth; that is, until Applejack's exhaling mouth came over her jawline once again.
“Aaaand Breathe!”
Rainbow's torso expanded as Applejack shot breath into her, clamping her jaw down like a lion might snap a gazelle's neck.
Fluttershy watched pensively, rubbing her hooves together. Tiny, whimpering sounds came out of her golden lips.
Suddenly, unbeknownst to the farm mare, Rainbow's eyelids started fluttering.
A single tear fell down Fluttershy's face as she beamed with joy.
At that point, however, Applejack was sitting up again. “Die on my farm will ya?! Not on my watch, ya featherbrain! One one thousand... Two one thousand...”
“R-Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy murmured.
Rainbow Dash's ruby eyes flashed open. Her jaw hung agape and her twitching gaze danced left and right. She saw the room, the soft bed she was in, the sweaty orange pony who was bouncing right on top of her, her blonde mane tousling through the ethereal afternoon glow.
“Three one thousand. Four one thousand!” Applejack seethed, preparing her breath. “Come, Rainbow Dash! Come back to—” She knelt down... and straight into Rainbow Dash's embrace.
Fluttershy's wings drooped as she witnessed Rainbow smothering Applejack in the mother of all smooches. Blue feathers stretched into the far corners of the bed as she returned the farm mare's “gesture,” passionately and desperately, breaking every now and then to breathe and crack forth “Ohmigosh!Ohmigosh!Ohmigosh!Yes!Applejack!Yes!I'vewaitedsolongforthismoment!” before kissing more fitfully and ardently. “All this time! I knew you felt the same! Make love to me! Right here in the sea of freckles! I knew it—” She stopped suddenly, her every muscle freezing.
A pin drop would have been a mercy kill right about then.
Rainbow Dash blinked, her wings drooping slowly like melting ice sculptures on either side of her. She glanced at Fluttershy, at the drool stain on the bed, and then at the endless scowl on Applejack's frowning face. “This... this isn't a dr-dream... is it?”
Applejack's freckles dissolved in a sea of red. “No, it most certainly ain't!”
“Uhhhh...” Rainbow Dash looked at a mortified Fluttershy. “Uhmmmm....” She looked at the sunlight. “I gotta—HIC—go!” She shoved Applejack off, spread her wings, and dove out the window. “I've got things to do! Like... r-right now!”
“No, Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy shouted, waving her hoof desperately. “Don't! You have no tail balance!”
“Oh CRUD!” was all that could be heard outside, followed by a horrendous crashing sound. Tree branches fell, chickens clucked, and perhaps a cat may have shrieked in the middle of it all. Once the thunder had settled, a raspy voice squeaked forth on the edge of vomiting, “I... I-I can't feel my wings!”
“Uhm, Applejack?” Fluttershy gulped and looked forlornly at her. “She can't feel her wings.”
“Nnnnnghhhhh...” Applejack facehoofed, sighed, and trudged slowly out the door, still carrying a scarlet blush over her rigid features. “And just who's place is she gonna have to crash at while getting' better, as if we didn't already know?”
“Do you... do you need some help?”
“Nothin' to it, Fluttershy,” Applejack said from a distance. “Reckon you ain't fit for choppin' a pegasus head off.”
Fluttershy shuddered. Standing alone in the room, however, she was confronted with a startling thought. Gasping wide, she galloped out of the room and exited the house opposite of where Applejack was going to tend to a broken Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy scampered outside to the front of the barn. She skidded to a stop, panting, glancing every which way.
“Oh no!” she cried. “It's... it's gone!”
Indeed, the soil before the barn door was blank. There was no sign of the prismatic band to be found anywhere. It wasn't under the wagon, by the feeding troughs, or the wooden fence.
“But... But...” Fluttershy gazed beyond an invisible camerapony, her aquamarine eyes quivering softly. “Who would be so devilish and cruel to steal Rainbow Dash's tail?”
“Cutie Mark Crusader Tail Biters!” the trio of young, blank-flanked fillies shouted within the bowels of their tree fort. They gazed with sparkling, bedazzled eyes at the prismatic rope of fibery goodness dangling within their combined grip.
“Where in Equestria did you get this, Apple Bloom?!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
“Where do y'all think?” Apple Bloom grinned wickedly. “The one and only source!”
“Didja hear that, Scootaloo?”
“It's... so...” Scootaloo's eyes were watering. “...fr-fruity...”
“I reckon if this here tail can come off an adult pony, then it sure as heck can help us put a cutie mark on a kid pony!”
“That's so smart, I almost wish I thought of it!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
“All we gotta do is practice with this, and next thing you'll know, we'll be bitin' tails off Ponyville like Applejack! Now there's a talent!”
“It's just like my big sis always says!” Sweetie Belle grinned wide. “The surest way to success is through your mouth!”
“You get that end, Sweetie Belle!” Apple Bloom pointed. “And I'll get that end! Let's see whose teeth is the strongest!”
“Mine is!”
“Nuh uh!”
“Yah huh!”
“Nuh uh!”
“Yah huh!”
Growling, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom bit onto opposite ends of the rainbow tail like enraged puppies. They engaged in a vicious tug-of-war that put their teeth to the test, stretching the spectral fibers towards both corners of the treehouse.
In the center, a blushing Scootaloo was lovingly nuzzling the fine silken lengths of the rainbow. “This is the happiest day of my—HIC—life...”