Chapter 1
My name is... actually, I can't remember. I've had amnesia for Celestia knows how long. I know this much so far. Apparently, I used to work for NASA. My name is Mike. Mike... what was it? Damnit, I can't remember. My mind is so messed up right now. My whole life has been retold to me by a group of frikin' ponies. Ponies! Of all possible things! Twilight Sparkle, the bookworm/egghead, Applejack, the workhorse, Rainbow Dash, the "most awesome pegasus of any pegasi ever", Fluttershy, the shy one, Rarity, the fashionista, and Pinkie Pie, the pink one with severe hyperactivity problems. She should really get that checked. They call themselves the "mane 6." Pretty fitting name, all things considered. There's two more: Derpy Hooves and Vinyl Scratch, a mailpony and a DJ, respectively. Anyways, here is my story.
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Twi, as her friends call her, told me that I was from a space program called "The Black Hole Initiative, a program to find a better, safer home for humanity, after Earth was plunged into a supermassive storm system, the likes of which your kind (humanity) has never seen before." Words from the bookworm/egghead herself. Apparently, multiple natural disasters happening all at once causes a gigantic chain reaction which sets off every possible and impossible natural disaster known to man. Sounds pretty crazy, right? You don't know the half of it.
Imagine mini-volcanoes coming up through the ground while you're in your house. Now, imagine those mini-volcanoes were 100 miles high and 2 miles across. Sounds like it would suck, right? Now imagine getting hit by monstro-tsunamis and tornadoes and earthquakes, all record-shatteringly monstrous. It was, and, apparently, still is, a frikin' 2012 situation. Most of the civilians on Earth have either been evacuated to Mars or Proxima Centauri. Some people are still on Earth, though. I bet they're having a hell of a time. They call themselves "The Survivors." I believe that to be a bunch of bovine excrement. They won't be "The Survivors" for long if they don't get the crap off of the planet.
My family doesn't even know I'm here. As far as they know, I'm still in space getting to that black hole. I've been here for several months now. I am the first human to set foot in Ponyville and Canterlot. My shuttle landed on a giant statue of something called a draconequus? It cracked, and I heard hysterical laughter before I blacked out. After I woke up, I saw a giant tree. I was being slowly moved towards it. I looked down and saw a purple horn that was glowing. Then I realized I was floating in a giant purple bubble. I poked at it, but nothing happened. That's when I started to freak out.
I finally realized what the bubble was: a force field of some sort. I looked down to see the rest of whatever was attached to the horn. I honestly didn't expect to see a frikin' unicorn smiling up at me, talking so fast I couldn't even begin to comprehend whatever the hell she was saying. I'm pretty sure she had to stop a couple times to catch her breath. Once she did, back to the questions.
"Who are you? What are you? What's that thing you crash-landed in? Can you understand what I'm saying? I've just got so many questions!!!" And then she made the most adorable sound I have ever frikin' heard. "EEEEEHHHHHEHEHE!!! I've got to tell my friends all about you! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshtheyllbesoexcited!!!"
I couldn't help but smile at the ecstatic feelings the purple unicorn was portraying through her gigantic smile that I'm pretty sure was about the same size as a banana, maybe even bigger.
"Oh, where are my manners? My name is Twilight Sparkle. This is Ponyville. Over there on that mountain, over there?" She pointed with her hoof. "That's Canterlot, where the royal princesses live. Up there, on that cloud. That is Cloudsdale, the city of the pegasi. You see that glow out in the distance, behind those mountains? That is Manehattan," she explained, unaware that I wasn't listening, but instead looking at all the beautiful scenery and at all the ponies who were looking at me with expressions on their faces, varying from amazement to sheer hysteria to terror. I tried to talk to the trail of vibrantly colored equines as they followed Twilight, but, unfortunately, those "bubbles" are like brick walls when it comes to sound transference.
When we finally finished the long trek up the hill to Canterlot, I saw the fancy, pinkie-up ponies talking in heavy British accents. "Hmmm, yes, quite, quite."
"Well," I thought, "I'm pretty sure they'll be too busy to notice me, and that's good, because I don't want them to follow me with their upturned noses." To my surprise, everypony in that general area looked at me and dropped the British accents. I was so surprised that I didn't notice that we were already at Celestia's palace.
Twilight dropped her force field and I fell hard on the floor. I looked up and saw the serene expression on Princess Celestia's face change. I turned around to see Twilight's face contort in horror at her master's apparent disapproval. Twilight's usually happy face fell into despair for fear she might get some form of punishment. Fortunately, Princess Celestia had no such idea going through her head.
Instead, she turned to Twilight and said, "Thank you for bringing him here, Twilight Sparkle. I'm afraid I must ask you and everypony else to leave, so this newcomer and I can speak."
Twilight was disheartened that she couldn't be there to listen to the first contact between human and Equestrian. Not wanting to disobey her teacher's wishes, she simply said, "Yes, Princess." I was surprised to see her turn away so easily, considering she was the first pony to make contact with something so alien as me. But, then again, when your teacher tells you to do something, you'd best frikin' do it. Trust me. I'm speaking from personal experience here.
"What is your name, newcomer?" she asked in her friendliest voice.
"Mike, Your Majesty," I said, bowing as I introduced myself to the most majestic of ponies I had seen all day.
"Mike what?"
"Mike. That's it."
"Okay. What are you, Mike?"
"I am a human."
"A human? I've not heard of them. I'll have Twilight study up on them."
"That's very flattering, Your Majesty. You've barely met me, and you already want to know everything about me."
Suddenly, the doors flung open and a gray pegasus flew right into me. In her saddlebag were a whole bunch of envelopes and magazines. I'm pretty sure her eyes were either knocked loose or born that way, because I'm pretty sure her eyes were...
"Derpy, how many times have I told you to be careful?" Celestia said.
"Sorry, Princess. I just don't know what went wrong. I was delivering this letter to AJ, and then I ended up here. I'm sorry," she said, backing away towards the door. "I'm sorry to you too, mister. I'll just leave, so you guys can ta..." She looked at me in wonder and asked, "Excuse me, mister. What are you?"
"I'm Mike, the first human to set foot in your land. You must be Derpy," I said, in my nicest tone.
"Yep, Derpy Hooves, at your service," she proclaimed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must finish my appointed rounds. Bye, Princess. Bye, Mike," she said, flying out of the still open doors.
Me and Celestia both waved and said, "Bye."
The doors glowed and were shut. The Princess asked, "So... what do humans eat? In case you haven't noticed, we're all vegetarians. Do humans eat meat?"
Suddenly, a thought came to me. "If they're all vegetarians, that means... NO MORE BACON!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
Either I must have been thinking out loud or she can read minds, because she looked at me with a puzzled look and asked, "What is this bacon you speak of?"
At that moment, I heard a bell chime 12. I hadn't realized it was so late. The moon was full and out. I heard a crash of lightning and saw a black chariot being pulled by two pegasi with frikin' vampire teeth or something. In that chariot was a hooded figure.
I couldn't tell who it was until Celestia commented to herself, "Luna, you really know how to make an entrance."
Of course, at the time, I had no idea who Luna was. I didn't really know who the hell anypony was. I looked down and saw a sun on Celestia's flank. I asked, "What the hell is that sun doing on your ass, Celestia? Has that always been there?"
She looked down at her flank and explained, "Oh, this old thing? It's called a cutie mark. I'll explain it to you later. Right now, we have to deal with my sister."
"Your sister? You mean your sister is the one in that scary-ass chariot?"
"Yes."
A powerful gust of wind thrust the doors open and nearly knocked me over. "WHO IS THIS NEWCOMER, CELESTIA?" she shouted in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
"His name is Mike. We are all in the same room. You don't need to yell," Celestia explained.
"NO! WE MUST USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE WHEN DEALING WITH NEWCOMERS! SUCH IS THE TRADITION!"
"And since when have I done things traditionally?"
"HMM. YOU HAVE A POINT, DEAR SISTER. PERHAPS IT IS BEST IF WE... I... TONE IT DOwn a little?"
"That's better. Now, Luna, meet Mike. Mike, meet Luna."
I scrambled to get on my feet after being knocked down by the wind gust that she created. As she looked down to meet my gaze, I noticed that she had a cutie mark on her ass, too, but hers was a moon. I was going to get to the bottom of that, eventually. "Nice to meet you, Princess Luna. I am Mike," I said, in my most respectful tone.
"Welcome, Mike, to Equestria. I am Princess Luna," she said, in a regal manner.
"Luna, do you remember what time our reservation's for?" Celestia asked.
"I believe it is in about 15 minutes, dear sister. Shall I change?"
"Couldn't hurt."
"What reservation? Where would you get reservations in this quaint little town?" I asked Celestia.
"At the club, especially on a night like tonight. We could bring you along, if you like."
"A club? Here? Where in the hell in this tiny little town could you put a club?"
At that moment, Luna came out in her royal garments and said, "Over there."
"Oh," I said. I felt stupid as we walked up to the club. I felt rumbling in the floor and stopped. "Do you guys feel that?"
"Indeed we do. But don't worry. It's a good rumbling," Celestia said as she pushed open the doors. The second I knew what the rumbling was, I smiled broadly. I probably looked insane. There was an alabaster unicorn on the stage with DJ equipment keeping time with her head, nodding in time with the mad shit that was spewing out of her speakers. It was amazing, how low she dropped the bass.
I started headbanging to the beat she was blasting. I'm pretty sure everypony heard me come in, look around, and think, "If that guy enjoys DJ Pon-3's music as much as that, we should, too." I saw everypony smile at me, turn around, and start headbanging like me.
"Mike!" Celestia cried. I hadn't even realized she'd left my side. Her and Luna were sitting on barstools over near a counter, where a stallion was shining glasses and filling them up with beer.
"I didn't know you could get beer here! That's amazing!" I exclaimed, running over towards the bar. "I need a stiff drink to clear my head."
Celestia told the bartender, "Two Hoofekeins, please."
The bartender said, "Eeyup," took two bottles, popped them open, and handed them to us. Which is impressive, because... well, you know.
"All right, everypony! Are you ready for these WUBS OF DESTRUCTION?!?!" the white unicorn asked the crowd.
"WUB-A-DUB DUB, MOTHERFUCKERS!" the crowd shouted back.
After two hours of listening to filthy, filthy dubtrot, DJ Pon-3 finally finished, bowed, and walked offstage.
"Mike, would you like to meet DJ Pon-3?" Celestia asked, inquisitively.
"Me? Meet her? Hell yeah, I'd like to!" I said with obvious enthusiasm. The sisters chuckled at my fanboy-ism. The royal guards at her door moved aside to let the sisters and me in.
"HOLY... Oh, it's just you, Princesses. I thought somebody got past the guards. How you guys doin'? Enjoyed the show, I hope?" she asked, turning around to see them.
"Yes, we enjoyed it. I think you have a new fan," Celestia said, turning to let me into the DJ's line of sight.
"WHOA! What is... I mean, who is that?" she asked, catching herself as not to offend me.
"I'm Mike. Nice to meet you. So you're DJ Pon-3? I guess I'm your newest fan," I said, admiringly.
"Hey, man. I'm Vinyl. Sweet, my newest fan is somepony who hasn't even been here a day. I guess I'm really fuckin' good at the stuff I'm doin', huh?"
"Indeed you are. I'm, uh, actually trying to get into the DJ business myself."
"Cool."
"I was wondering if you could give me a few pointers."
Me and Vinyl were so immersed in talking to one another that we didn't even realize that the princesses had left the room. Then she asked me something I'd never think of asking somebody I just met, "If you need a place to stay tonight, you can crash with me, if you don't have anywhere to go."
"OK," I said, on impulse. What was I doing? I didn't know this pony hardly at all, and I was already agreeing to crash at her place for the night. Oh, well. I've done worse on impulse.
She smiled. "Great! I'm sure Tavi won't mind! She's always up for meeting new people!"
"Who's Tavi?" I asked.
"My marefriend. I hope that doesn't change your opinion of me."
"Oh, no. Not at all. That just makes you hotter." WHAT IN THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?!?! SECONDLY, WHY IN THE HELL DID I SAY IT?!?!
She didn't seem to think me awkward. If anything, she liked the comment. She smiled, again, this time broader than before. "Oh, you flirt. I need dinner and chocolates first," she remarked, winking.
Taken aback, I took the time to make a comeback. "Where's the nearest restaurant?" I asked, chuckling.
Either she thought I was being serious, or she was going along with it, because she told me, "Just a little ways from here."