Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't and sometimes you win only to lose. This is the third one.
What if the villains were allowed to win without a fight? Would all of their plans bear them the fruits they so desired? Probably not, especially when their royal adviser is Twilight Sparkle.
A collection of (continuous) One-shots in which our heroes don't have any epic fights with villains, and simply allow the power of logic to crush all of the hopes and wishes of the would-be rulers of Equestria.
Currently up: Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra (bonus chapter - the fight is so not-epic it happens off screen).
The townfolk waited with eager, barely restrained anticipation for the Princess to appear before them, raising the sun for the longest day of the year. Guards stood nearby, as they always did when the sovereign of the nation was making a public appearance, but even they were looking forward to the revelry, rather than actually guarding anything.
Goddesses were fairly easy to keep safe, and nopony in a town like Ponyville would be likely to cause any trouble, and ruin what was probably going to be one of their only chances to see the Princess up close, in the flesh. The guards were only even putting on a token showing, having most of their members oversee the festivities in the capital of Canterlot and other major cities.
Only one face showed any emotion aside from rapt wonder, anticipation, or awe as the mayor went through her speech; that of Twilight Sparkle, personal student of the Solar Princess. She had been upset earlier with her teacher for apparently brushing off her concerns about the return of one of the land's most feared figures, but she had realized what was going on after reviewing her notes, and doing a bit of deductive reasoning. The Princess was placing all of her trust in her most faithful student, and Twilight intended to show that it was not misplaced. She fixed an intense gaze upon the balcony above her, ready to do what she needed to do. She was ready to make Princess Celestia proud.
As the moment when Celestia was scheduled to appear finally arrived, the curtains on the balcony were drawn back to reveal... nothing at all. The birds stopped singing, and the ponies in the room started murmuring amongst themselves as they started wondering what had gone wrong. The Mayor tried to keep the crowd calm, which helped for all of a second or two before Rarity decided she needed to state the obvious. “She's gone!"
The entire crowd gasped in shock... as they had apparently not realized that the Princess wasn't stepping forward, because she wasn't there. Twilight's estimate of the average IQ of the ponies in Ponyville dropped about ten more points, and it was already below average. Way to go Rarity. Great job keeping everypony calm.
Twilight took the momentary distraction as her chance to gather her magic to start switching out some of the decorations. She’d had Rarity make some extra, alternate ones on a rush job before coming to the celebration. And while dressmakers might have been a bad choice for keeping a mob from panicking, she had done her job with the banners and ornaments quite well.
The room was shocked back into silence, after a second requisite gasp of surprise, as the balcony began filling with a deep indigo fog that sparkled with the light of the stars. The room dimmed, as the lights were blown out by a chill, fell wind, and the fog coalesced into solid whirling mass. Within it, powerful magic sparked, and suddenly, the fog blew apart to reveal a pitch black alicorn, standing where Celestia had been meant to appear.
She was as regal in image as Celestia, though her mane was the night sky, and her eyes were predatory slits of teal. Silvery armor covered her chest and head, and when she spoke, her voice sent shivers down the spines of ponies. Nightmare Moon had returned.
“Oh, my beloved subjects, it's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces." Scorn all but dripped from her words and, as she was, it was not so difficult to imagine the terrifying creature killing a pony for saying the wrong thing to her. Naturally, Rainbow Dash felt the need to say something.
“What did you do with our Princess?" She shouted. She'd have charged up to the balcony too, if Applejack wasn't holding her back by her tail. Twilight would need to see to it that Sweet Apple Acres got some sort of a bonus for that.
Nightmare Moon laughed at the outburst – a mocking sort of sound, holding no mirth or joy.
“Why," she asked, "Am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?"
Well, at least she hasn't killed anypony yet, and that's as good a cue as any for me. Twilight sent a jolt of her magic to activate her preparations, hopefully cutting off anypony else who was going to do something stupid. Lights flared up and brightened the room suddenly, revealing the changes Twilight had made without anypony noticing.
Banners now showed the symbol of the moon rather than the sun, with a black alicorn where the white of Celestia had been. Blue and violet dominated the color scheme of the room, and the balcony on which Nightmare stood, had a pearl crescent moon affixed to it. But what froze Nightmare Moon where she stood, was the cheerful purple welcome banner, covered in scattered white stars.
Twilight teleported herself to the balcony and bowed low. “Of course I know who you are; you're Equestria's second Princess, finally returned after a thousand years. Welcome back, your Royal Highness."
A pony could have heard a pin drop right then. A chorus of voices raised up a cry of 'Say what?' as Nightmare Moon turned her surprised expression on Twilight.
"...Yes, yes I am. I was actually expecting that nopony would know that. I had a whole little speech prepared to denounce my sister for hiding the truth out of guilt, in fact." Her flowing mane twisted down to cup Twilight's chin and tilt it upwards, so that the two of them were looking into each others eyes. “So then, my subject, who are you?"
“I am your sister's personal student, hoof-picked to act as your adviser and aide upon your return." she replied.
Twilight's response might as well have struck Nightmare in the face; so quickly, had she drawn back. Her mouth worked up and down a few times, as she tried to come up with some sort of response. In all of her years of practicing her speeches and imagining the responses to her return, she had never quite considered a situation like the one she found herself in. Not seriously at least. Finally she managed an oh-so eloquent, “W-what, why?"
Twilight rewarded the question with a sparkling smile, pleased to be able to go over her observations and reasoning. She collected herself for her presentation, and pulled out a piece of paper with check-boxes and small lines of hornwriting. Somewhere in the audience, a baby dragon groaned and pulled out a pair of earmuffs. He'd already heard it all – about fifteen times now – and he had no intent to hear it again.
“Princess Celestia has known about your imminent return for centuries, but she's obviously never been able to forgive herself for your banishment. She probably blames herself for not noticing your depression before things got so bad, and as such, she planned to find a way to make amends to you. She's done just about everything she could to make sure that you could return to an Equestria where your rule could be accepted, short of having the Summer Sun celebration be turned into a festival for your return being another year closer.
“First off, she's left almost no specifics on the details of your banishment, save for that it happened and she felt that she had no choice with the whole eternal night threat. 'Nightmare Moon' shows up in a few folk tales and fables as a frightening figure, but none of these are allowed into non-fiction print, and the only historical documents are written to make you a sympathetic figure.
“If Celestia wanted to stop you from regaining power, you would expect her to have a small army ready to meet you in combat with her. She'd at least have a crack team of the most skilled unicorns she could find ready to support her in a fight with you. However, she specifically sent almost all of the royal guard out to the different cities to help with the celebrations, sending only four pegasus guards here, where you would be most likely to first show up publicly. After all, this is where she was supposed to make an appearance.
“Then there's me. While I'm not the sort of pony to make claims of greatness, I am the personal student of your sister. She's told me that I might have more raw power and talent than any other unicorn she's ever seen before. If she was preparing to fight you, she'd have tried to train me primarily in combat magic and military tactics, and done everything she could to make me a potential danger to you. Would you like to know how I've been taught instead?"
Twilight took a moment to take a breath, looking up at Nightmare Moon. Still looking slightly shell-shocked, she gave a nod for Twilight to continue.
“Alright then," Twilight checked off two check-boxes, “I have been taught all sorts of magic theories and practices of course, but I have also been trained in statecraft and law. I've sat in on judgments of law, been all but raised around nobles and politicians, and I've been taught to be an expert at organization. I'm a well-known face to the ponies who keep Equestria running, an expert in history, and I know the layout of the royal library better than most ponies know their own homes.
“Add to that my intimate knowledge of Celestia's daily tasks and schedules, and the only logical conclusion when factoring in current circumstances, is that I was being groomed to act as an adviser for you: Royalty who has been absent for a thousand years, and who would need the help of somepony who could help you get caught up on what you've missed, while helping you keep things in the country running."
Twilight marked a third check-box on her sheet, and then levitated a cup of punch over to herself to wet her throat. Nightmare Moon had finally recovered from her shock as well as she was likely to do anytime soon, and seemed to be ready to comment. The next check-box would be for answering her question.
“Even with all of that," she said, “How can you be so sure if my dear sister never told you her plans outright?"
Twilight smirked, feeling quite pleased with having predicted the new princess's question, and marked a check in the fourth box.
“Have you ever known her to be straightforward about anything? Regardless though, I found a reference to your return a couple of days ago. I tried to speak with Princess Celestia about it, asking how we should prepare for your return. Obviously, she already knew about it – She's probably read every book in the castle three times by now – but instead of tasking me with finding the Elements of Harmony to fight you with, or having me plant a magical trap to spring on you after she weakened you in a fight... she ordered me to come here to supervise preparations for the celebration. She's actively prevented ponies like me from trying to prepare to fight you, and to top it all off, she told me that my biggest mission while I was here, was to make some friends.
“She was obviously talking about you; her sister, who has been alone for a thousand years. Alone, because she couldn't find enough time to be there for you as a friend and sister when you needed her the most."
Twilight set down her papers and looked up at Nightmare Moon with a warm smile on her face. Down below, more than a few eyes were tearing up from the last part of Twilight's speech.
The mood was shattered as Pinkie bounced up into the air, shouting. “Alright then everypony, this calls for a PARTY! Say it with me; WELCOME BACK!"
-A few hours later, in Canterlot-
Nightmare Moon sat on her throne, brought up from a storage room where Celestia had been keeping it after having it made less than fifty years ago. It served as just another piece of evidence that Twilight was right, and that the elder ruler had been planning for her sister's return.
Twilight had sent out letters to each of the squads of royal guards posted at the various celebrations around the country, informing them of the situation, and claiming that the moon was being left in the sky longer than normal, in honor of the return of the Princess of the Night. There could have been rioting in the major cities if not for the presence of the guards, but Celestia had seen to that too, it seemed.
Twilight had brought in all of the heads of staff for the castle to meet their new Princess, and it had been a nightmare to Nightmare. What sort of pony named their kid 'Red Tape?' At least one of the bureaucrats had a waffle for a cutie-mark, and the pony handling taxes could have passed for a vampony with his bleeding turnip cutie-mark.
When she asked Twilight why they couldn't just kick out all of the more obviously corrupt ponies from positions of power, Twilight had told her that “finding an honest pony who's skilled in governing is about like finding a first edition mint condition book: Your only good option is usually to write one yourself." There were some good ponies in positions of power – Celestia had managed that much – but there just didn't seem to be enough of the good ones to handle all of the work.
Now Twilight was telling her that she couldn't have night-time eternal, even if she was the sole ruler of Equestria.
“It might be fine for a day or so, but if you don't raise the sun soon, plants won't be able to grow and the country will freeze! You don't want to rule an empty wasteland, do you? It would be as barren as the surface of the moon." That unicorn was just plain irritating with how often she was right, and she'd brought all sorts of scientifically documented evidence to support why eternal night wouldn't work out. It was just unfair really.
“Fine," Nightmare muttered, slumping in defeat, “I'll raise the sun in an hour or so. But please tell me that I can at least implement some laws on a whim? My sister didn't make herself a total figure head I hope."
Twilight nodded an affirmative. “So long as you pay a certain amount of attention to precedents in matters of justice, you can make nearly any reform or ruling you want. However, Princess Celestia usually moves them in slowly and allows the nobility a chance to vote on any law she's trying to pass. It keeps them happy and prevents them from all trying to declare their lands sovereign from the throne, or trying to assassinate her."
Nightmare lowered her head in near defeat. “How did my sister ever allow things to get so bad?" she asked.
“Well," Twilight replied, “She couldn't rule on her own once the country started growing too much, and without you... she needed help. She had to take what she could get sometimes, and some things that she allowed, that seemed innocent enough at the time, have caused the most problems. Like allowing noble titles to be inherited." That idea somehow sent shudders down Nightmare's spine.
“Alright," Nightmare said, “tell me what I've got on my agenda for today then." She was less enthusiastic about ruling the country than she had been at first, but this was still what she had been wanting for ages. Even if there were some hiccups in the system that she hadn't expected, it was still her time to shine.
Twilight lit her horn with magic, and with a flash, a tremendous scroll appeared. Twilight allowed it to unroll as she held the top with her magic, and the monster of a schedule reached nearly from the throne to the door. Nightmare's eyes bulged slightly as she took in the sight before her.
“First, we'll need you to put in some appearances around the country to answer questions and assure everypony that you're legitimate, and that Princess Celestia isn't going to vanish without a trace. This is, of course, after raising the sun; unless you want to deal with at least a few assassins. In order to do everything on the list, we'll need to teleport between the cities to save time. After that, it will be time for Noon-day Court, where you'll oversee a meeting of nobles while they bring up concerns, suggestions for new laws, and other things. Then after that, is a two hour period of taking petitions, and making rulings over disputes that couldn't be settled outside of the royal court. I'll coach you on relevant laws and old rulings on any issues that come up, and you'll have another adviser, whose sole job is remembering old rulings, to help with that. Then, you'll need to start studying on some of the recent advances and changes in society. Ideally you would spend the entire day on that, but you'll still need to attend to a minimum of duties to keep everypony from revolting, so I hope you don't mind staying up late. I'll handle most of your miscellaneous paperwork for today while you study – I have some good teachers picked out to help you – But for that to work, I'll need you to sign a writ allowing me to speak in your name for the time being..."
Nightmare couldn't help but tune her adviser out. Twilight meant well, and she was probably going to be invaluable, but ruling had never been so complicated a thousand years ago. It sounded like she'd never have free time again for the next decade at this rate, but surely things would get better soon enough.
-Two days later, Canterlot-
A brilliant glow descended from the sun, resolving itself into the form of Princess Celestia. She opened her eyes to find a scene completely different from what she had expected. Before her was her little sister, still in the guise of Nightmare Moon, standing beside Twilight Sparkle. If the fallen expression of the Princess formerly known as Luna was any indication, Twilight had somehow defeated her totally and completely, crushing her will and forcing her to comply in Celestia's freedom.
Nightmare Moon looked up at Princess Celestia, her eyes large and pleading, and she asked, “Sister, won't you please, please take back your position? I apologize profusely for the extra work I have caused you these last thousand years, and I realize now that I can never truly make proper reparations to you. Will you please forgive your foolish little sister?"
Celestia blinked – twice in rapid succession. For her, it was probably equivalent to allowing her jaw to scrape the floor and her eyes to grow comically large.
“Of course I am willing to forgive you sister," she said with an easy smile. "And I would be happy to have you by my side, once again, as my equal. However, might I ask what happened to your plans to rule alone, while I sat on the sun for the next thousand years? Not that I have a problem with your sudden change of heart or anything, Luna."
Nightmare lifted an eyebrow at her sister. “As if you don't know," she muttered before lifting a wing in an obvious invitation for an embrace.
Celestia glanced at Twilight before stepping to her sister's side, hugging her. It was good to have her sister back, even if she still didn't look quite right. She'd have to get used to being the weaker sister – as Luna still possessed the dark magics she had tried to take control of Equestria with – but she could probably have Luna using her real name and appearance again soon enough. After all, if she could deal with the nobles of Equestria on a daily basis, she could do anyth-
Oh, she thought, that's why she changed her mind. Trying to work with the nobility could be as bad as trying to herd gryphons.
After their embrace ended, Nightmare turned her head slightly to hide a distinct moistness of her eyes.
“I'll leave you with your student for a bit, so she can fill you in on what you've missed... Celly. I'll need her back within an hour or so though." With that, Nightmare Moon flew off of the tower balcony where she had been, angling down towards a lower part of the castle.
Celestia turned to her most faithful student with a look of absolute confusion on her face. “How did you... What about the Elements of Harmony?" she finally asked.
Twilight smiled up at her mentor. “What about them? This was more efficient."
And so Equestria regained its Princesses, and Twilight Sparkle gained a ridiculous amount of political power with her confirmed position of royal adviser to Her Royal Highness Princess Luna, along with her previous position. Needless to say, she didn't decide to live in Ponyville, although she did choose to keep the Ponyville Library as a secondary residence. After all, she had good reason to believe that the Elements of Harmony were somewhere close to there, along with everything she might need to use them. She might not need them at the moment, but it never hurt to be prepared. Besides, studying magic artifacts in Equestria was her Luna-granted right now; she should know, having signed off on that right herself.
Why was it that ancient cultures seemed to always have some obsession with needlessly complicated and dangerous traps? The ruins were originally supposed to have been a place of study, or so the records had led Twilight to believe, yet she had trouble picturing aspiring students crossing narrow bridges over spike traps on their way to class. Perhaps it was simply that the section of the building she had invaded was restricted, and she had no clue how she was meant to disable the protections on it. Even still, the traps had reached a level of absurdity she'd not thought possible.
The vault had lay directly ahead of her, holding untold numbers of records and historically significant artifacts. Then the floor opened and dumped her into a snake pit. Bucking snakes that should have starved to death sometime in the last nine centuries or so. But no, there were still somehow enough snakes down in the pit to bury her with their mass. Added onto that, was the magic dampening field that was preventing her from doing much more than holding the snakes back.
“Anytime up there, Rainbow Dash!" she shouted up at her friend. “It can't be that hard to disable the dumb magic dampener, can it?"
A resounding crack sounded from above her, and Twilight flinched as she felt her magic roar back to full strength. Disable wasn't supposed to mean 'kick it until it stops working', but she supposed she'd have to let her partner slide this time.
She couldn't possibly put enough distance between the snakes and herself fast enough to satisfy her, but, as she teleported back to the lip of the pit, Twilight decided she would take what she could get for now. And 'for now' hopefully included enough research material, for the next year or so, from the Celestia-forsaken vault.
Rainbow was hovering nearby the remains of what had once been an elaborately carved crystal sphere, which she had reduced to tiny shards and dust. “So, now are you happy that you brought me with you, Twi?" she asked, smug as could be.
Twilight glanced wistfully at the broken gem, wondering if she could still salvage anything of it. Rarity might have actually disabled the blasted thing, rather than breaking it, she fumed to herself. But no, she wasn't willing to risk getting dirt on her coat for the sake of 'my little project'.
Honestly, she'd only managed to even get Rainbow to come with her by getting her hooked on the Daring Do novels. Having a pegasus with her, especially one so much more athletic than herself, had been a blessing more than once already, but she could still complain loud and hard about the lack of finesse that Dash tended to exhibit. After thanking her for probably saving her life, that was. Stupid Elements and their weird requirements. This friendship stuff was hard.
“Yes, Rainbow, and thanks. Now let's get that vault open so we can leave. I hate to sound like Rarity, but I need a bath worse than I've ever thought possible. I think my tail's going to be brown for a week." The two of them looked back at the vault door, and then grinned like a pair of foals. This was the one thing in the ruins that Twilight actually wanted broken.
Twilight started gathering her magic to rip the thing off its hinges, when a cloud of smoke and green flames appeared in front of her. With a small flash, a scroll materialized, and she caught it by instinct, opening the letter and reading it with hardly a moment's pause.
“Spike send a letter?" Rainbow asked as Twilight read. “What's going on?"
Twilight looked like she'd just seen an entire library's worth of books burned in front of her. “He says that Princess Celestia is calling us back for an emergency. She says that we're to drop whatever we're doing, right now, and get to Canterlot as fast as we can. All six of us."
Rainbow looked back between the vault door and Twilight for a few seconds. “Do you think, maybe, the vault will have a quicker way out of here?" she asked with a mischievous look.
“Well," Twilight said, considering, “If the Princess needs us back as quickly as possible, we would be remiss to not check." Twilight charged her magic back up while Rainbow got into position for a quick take-off. It wasn't like the vault would be trapped, and they were already right there, after all.
---Two minutes later---
“What sort of moron sets the entire building to collapse when the door's opened?" Twilight screamed as she clung to Rainbow's back, rubble still falling from behind them as they flew out of a newly blasted hole in the ceiling. “It's just not logical!"
Rainbow cackled madly as they left the ruins behind them, more deserving of the title than before. “That was... Awesome! You still holding onto the bag, Twi?"
Twilight levitated a large sack to her peripheral vision, bulges of countless tablets and other, more obviously valuable items deforming the fabric. “Of course. Think we've got time to drop it off in the library before Princess Celestia starts wondering what's taking us so long?"
Rainbow's only response was to speed up, angling slightly to her right. She was the fastest flier in Equestria, and Rarity would insist on making herself presentable for royalty. They had time.
---Canterlot Castle---
As it had turned out, a royal chariot with royal guards waiting impatiently was enough to even get Rarity moving quickly; the others had been gathered up and were already on their way to the castle by the time Twilight and Rainbow had reached Ponyville. As such, Rainbow managed to get the two of them to Canterlot with just enough time to catch up to the others as they were walking in to meet Celestia.
On the way, Rainbow had gotten the bright idea of trying to clean the two of them off by flying through a cloud or two. Then, they saw a pink cloud that looked like it was raining something brown, and decided they could just stay dirty for a little longer. Somepony at the weather factories had goofed up something fierce.
Upon their landing, Rarity, seeing the two of them showing up absolutely filthy and covered in dust, looked like she might have fainted dead away from shock. Twilight brushed a small bit of masonry out of her mane, cringing slightly. She was going to have to see the Princess without having taken a bath first. She was going to be hearing about this one for a while.
The doors to the throne room were opened as they approached, and Twilight hid slightly behind Applejack. Hopefully, she'd look less terrible standing next to her than she would next to Rarity. “Princess Celestia, we came as fast as we could." Or at least close to it.
Celestia looked down upon the six of them as they galloped in. “Thank you, Twilight. Thank you all." Her mask of eternal calm was cracked, ever so slightly around the edges. It was a slight change in the tone of her voice, a certain look in her eyes, and most of all, the lack of a warm and serene smile... or even a stifled laugh at Twilight's appearance.
Twilight immediately consulted her mental disaster rating checklist. Ponies in Canterlot didn't know how to properly quantify a disaster; to them, it was a disaster whether the cake had been slightly burned, or a pony had been hospitalized in a tragic accident. This was because they didn't deal with disasters so often. Since she had started spending time in Ponyville, and keeping in contact with the friends she had made there, Twilight had seen enough disasters to make her own ten point scale. A one was Rarity being melodramatic, and a ten was a theoretical situation where both Princess Celestia and Luna went insane at the same time, trying to destroy all of Equestria. Or an exam without any time to prepare.
Celestia worried this badly: minimum rating of five or six on the buck-o-meter. Her calling not only me, but my friends? The only reason to call all of us for the same emergency would be for the Elements of Harmony. Celestia wanting backup from the only artifacts known to be able to overpower Luna: bump that rating up to an eight. Luna and Celestia working together would be more than a force to be reckoned with. It would, quite frankly, be generally considered divine judgment. Yet, she wanted more power on hoof?
Celestia motioned for the group to follow her down a hallway, towards one of the towers. “I've called you here for a matter of great importance," Celestia stated as they walked slowly down the hall. “It seems an old foe of mine, someone I thought I had defeated long ago, has returned. His name, is Discord."
Fluttershy interrupted with a tiny shriek, apparently frightened by a stained glass window, and dashed behind Twilight to hide. Oh, come on. It was all Twilight could do, not to allow hoof to meet face. Important conversation that might relate to the fate of Equestria going on here, Fluttershy. Shouldn't you at least pay some attention?
After a brief pause, undoubtedly to allow Fluttershy a moment of silence for any pride she might have once had, Celestia carried own with her explanation. “Discord is the mischievous spirit of disharmony. Before my sister and I stood up to him, he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest, and unhappiness.
“Luna and I saw how miserable life was for earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns alike. So after discovering the Elements of Harmony, we combined our powers, and rose up against him, turning him to stone."
At this, she pointed to a stained-glass window depicting the scene of a chimeric creature, turned to stone whilst trapped between the royal sisters. Rainbow flew up to the glass, spreading dust with every flap of her wings. “Alright Princess! Oh, and sorry about the dust. Think I might have time for a bath before we do anything else?"
Celestia glowered at Rainbow. “No."
“Oh come on," she complained, “I've got dirt stuck between my feathers, and it's really uncomfortable. Can't evil be considerate, just this once, and give us a few hours?"
The glower hardened into a full fledged glare of regal disappointment. Rainbow seemed to wilt under the glare, and landed back on the ground, fidgeting uncomfortably. "... Right, shutting up now. Continue."
“I had thought that the spell I cast would last forever, but since Luna and I are no longer connected to the Elements, the spell has been broken." Celestia looked at the ponies in front of her, seeming to silently ask if there were going to be anymore interruptions before she finished.
Twilight was more than happy to oblige. “No longer connected? So... let me just see if I've got all of the major points here. You and Luna sealed this powerful, evil former ruler away with the Elements long ago. Then, Luna, now another ruler of Equestria, went slightly crazy for a bit, and you were forced to use the Elements on her to banish her for a thousand years." Celestia nodded mutely, probably wondering where her student was going with this train of thought.
“Now, you just mentioned that the powers of the Elements should have been able to keep Discord sealed in stone for eternity." Twilight made her tone a tad accusatory. “Yet Princess Luna, who you've implied was not as powerful as Discord, got out of her bindings after a thousand years, and you were expecting it."
She leveled her best imitation of Luna's 'you don't want to lie to me' glare at Celestia. She had seen it used to great effect a few times over the past several months, and had been working on trying to perfect it herself. “That means that you broke off your connection to the Elements on purpose to let Luna escape, thereby also letting out this Discord guy. Did you forget about him because you were so busy worrying about Luna? Or maybe something else?"
Celestia looked away, unable to meet Twilight's gaze. “I may have allowed him to slip my mind," she finally responded. Helping Luna with politics had made Twilight a little too good at ferreting out things that ponies would rather keep to themselves.
The other Element bearers turned a questioning gaze to Twilight. Where exactly, was she going with this? Pinkie's eyes went wide and she suddenly jumped to the front of the group.
“Oh, oh, I know!" she shouted. “Discord must be another old relative of the Princesses, or maybe an old friend, or an old coltfriend! Then something horrible happened and made him evil, and the Princesses had to turn him to stone, and we have to fix him now. Right, Twilight? Am I right? I am, aren't I?"
Celestia lost all semblance of composure at the suggestion, twisting up her face as though she had just bitten into a raw lemon whilst trying to lose her lunch. After being sprayed by a skunk. “No!" she shouted. “Discord was the most vile creature I ever had the displeasure of speaking to in all of my long years. I'd like you six to use the Elements to turn him back to stone, so I can put him back into the sculpture garden, where the birds can continue telling him what I think of him for another thousand years or so."
The hallway suddenly rang out with low, manic laughter, the sound emanating from all around. “Oh, what's the matter, Celestia? Didn't you miss me?" the disembodied voice asked in a mocking, singsong sort of way. “I certainly missed you."
Rarity looked over to Twilight, and mouthed the words, “Bad break-up," followed by a contemplative pause, and the words, “Or a stalker." Twilight nodded in her agreement, before turning back to watch what would happen next. A pony could learn a lot just by watching and listening for a bit.
Celestia looked around the room, her eyes filled with a sort of hatred that Twilight had never seen in her before. “Discord," she shouted, “show yourself!"
Finally, the eyes of everypony present were drawn inexplicably to one of the stained-glass windows – one depicting Discord's terrible reign from ages past. With a flash of light, the image came to life, the twisted figure suddenly mobile, slithering from one window to the next. “It gets oh so lonely being imprisoned in stone. But you wouldn't know that, would you? Because I don't turn ponies into stone."
His image reached down into a new window, lightly tapping against... nothing. For a moment, he seemed to lose balance and fall backwards before catching himself. He looked down at the window he was in, taking in the unusually large image of a lavender unicorn, holding a book with an image of the moon and sun on it. “Huh," he muttered, stroking his goatee. “That's different."
With obvious effort, Celestia turned away from the window, looking Twilight in the eye. “There's no time to lose, Twilight. You must hurry and bring the Elements to defeat him! I may be able to slow him down while he's still weakened from his imprisonment."
Discord poked his head up, now covering the entirety of one of the windows with his body. “Ah, yes. Those pesky little Elements of Harmony. You'll find them hard to use, now that I've... borrowed them from your little hiding spot." He leered down at Celestia. “Bravo on hiding them so well. It must have taken me all of five minutes to find them."
Celestia looked wide-eyed to her student, but Twilight shook her head. “I'm calling your bluff. Where, exactly, were they hidden if you found them so easily?"
Discord glared down at her. After a three second staring match, he vanished from the window, appearing as a miniature of himself on top of Pinkie Pie's head. He leaned down to her ear, and stage-whispered to her, “Remind me not to play poker with that one." His voice was, of course, still loud and echoing around the room.
With a flourish and a flash of light, the windows were once more filled with his movement, his body stretched across three windows all at once. “Fine, you caught me. I couldn't find them anywhere. I know how Celestia typically hides things like that, yet I've searched each and every overly large, heavily warded vault I could find. I even checked some of the ancient ruins, just in case she had decided that they would be safer behind a metric ton of traps and magic protections. Nothing."
Twilight and Rainbow shared a brief look. And, suddenly, we know whose bright idea the traps were. Twilight could only be glad that she hadn't been required to dodge pitfalls and arrow traps on her way to classes growing up. I guess the Princess grew out of it, or somepony finally had the guts to tell her they were a bad idea.
“Well, of course they wouldn't be hidden in someplace like that," Rarity exclaimed. “How would we ever even get them if we needed them?"
Appearing in the window depicting his original defeat, Discord leaned up against the depiction of Princess Celestia. “I know, right? Yet for the longest time, that was just the way that things were done around here. Done using something to save the world? Lock it back up to keep it safe and out of the reach of the ponies that might need it again. And ponies think I don't make sense." He tapped a claw against his chin for a moment. “Not that making sense is any fun, mind you."
Applejack stomped up to the window, tilting her stetson. “Now look here you. That's enough messing around, so why don't we get to the part where ya tell me why ya decided to ruin my farm? Nopony wants to buy popcorn that's been all over the ground like that, an especially not when it's soggy with chocolate milk, too!"
Twilight looked askance at Applejack. He did what? Oh, Luna no, he's like a super-magical Pinkie Pie.
Discord waved a paw dismissively. “Oh, boohoo. I gave you giant apples too, or doesn't that count for anything. With those beauties, you could feed that puny town for a decade. Assuming that they never spoiled, that is."
If Applejack could kill with a look, Celestia would be buying new windows. “And the animals you made go crazy? Even if they're giant, I can't sell apples that have been gnawed on by a bunch of critters!"
This was going nowhere fast, and Discord was just looking more and more amused by Applejack's complaints. Time to get some useful dialogue going. Twilight cleared her throat to get Applejack and Discord’s attention. When they just kept on yelling, she teleported her friend away from the window.
“Right, we can deal with that later." Twilight looked up at the disappointed looking Discord. “Now, we still have the Elements, and you can't find them, so I think it would make sense for you to try and work with us here."
Discord snorted at the idea – derisively no less. “Make sense? Didn't I already mention that I don't approve of such wastes of time?" A sort of devilish smirk formed over his lips. “Besides, you don't have your precious Elements here right now. What's to stop me from simply removing the problem before you can do anything about it?"
Twilight sat down and crossed her front hooves over her chest. “How about, because I'm not interested in turning you back to stone. I know what it's like from a run-in with a cockatrice, and I wouldn't wish that on any creature. I might be willing to do it if I'm left with no choice, but I'd really rather not. I'm kind of on your side here."
“You're... on my side?" From his expression, one would think that the idea of somepony not wanting to harm him was ludicrous. Then again, with the way he acted, Twilight found herself unsurprised that he wasn't used to having anypony on his side of an issue.
Princess Celestia was eying her suspiciously, too, wondering what she was up to. Now for the fun part, where I piss off the pony who raises the sun. I need a raise after this is over. Hazard pay, and what have you.
“Rule of law is actually on your side, too, right now." Twilight considered that this mess was completely worth it to see the Princess's face contorting almost as oddly as Discord's. “Your situation is nearly identical to that of Princess Luna's from a year or so ago, and she wasn't just re-banished the second she came back. She even kept the whole night-eternal thing up for a full day or two without reprimand, so you should be able to slide on the bizarre weather and other bits of chaos.
“If we look over your situation, you're a former ruler of Equestria who became a danger to the land and its residents, and were thus sealed away with the Elements of Harmony. That description fits Princess Luna's situation identically, and she got her position back. One thousand years on the moon is apparently the appropriate sentence for that sort of thing, and you were locked up longer than that; you've served your time."
A stiff breeze might have knocked over Celestia; she was frozen so still, somepony might have mistaken her for a statue. Discord recovered slightly quicker, possibly due to his previous experience as one, sheer mirth stealing over his features while horror held Celestia's.
“So then... Celestia's own laws mean that she has to let me go? Possibly even give me my throne back?" Discord finally managed to ask, struggling to hold back laughter. Twilight nodded, and he stopped trying to hold back.
With a flash, Discord appeared in his full glory on the floor of the hall, rolling on his back and laughing so hard he was crying. Twilight pointedly avoided looking at her friends. They knew her well enough that they would trust her on this. Hopefully.
Princess Celestia's voice, once more calm and serene, cut through the noise. “Very well, I will uphold my previous ruling; Discord, you have served your time for your previous crime, and I will allow you to be reinstated in your old position. Provided that you accept the exact same conditions that my sister did, of course. Luna and I could use a vacation, and I'm sure you'll be begging us to take back over within the week."
Discord's expression immediately changed from mirthful to suspicious, as he narrowed his eyes at the Princess. “Conditions? Fine then, I'll bite. What are these... conditions?" The word 'conditions' wasn't just emphasized; it got its own finger quotes. Perhaps a spirit of chaos didn't like nebulous conditions. “I do hope it doesn't involve getting hit by the Elements to purify me or something, because that wouldn't work out so great for me. I'd have to decline."
Applejack blinked at Discord in confusion. “I thought the Elements were supposed to banish ponies an' all, not fix 'em. And we certainly didn't have 'em when Princess Luna showed back up."
The spirit of Chaos and Disharmony opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He was, for perhaps the second time in history, speechless. Celestia took the opportunity to steer the conversation back away from dangerous topics.
“The conditions are not so difficult to live with, Discord," she said. “I simply ask that you allow my student to act as your adviser, and that you pay attention to her. Then, when you have proven yourself unfit to rule again, my sister and I will take back over, and if you resist, you'll get another thousand years in stone. Possibly more since it will be your second offense."
Discord's fur bristled and his eyes narrowed at Celestia. “What, exactly do you mean 'when' I prove unfit to rule? I was ruling Equestria long before you and your loony sister, and I did just fine."
Fluttershy coughed softly. “Um, I'm sure you'd do just fine..." She trailed off the moment she felt eyes shifting onto her. Hiding behind her own tail, she managed to mumble, “Just... the Princess has been doing this for a while and all, while you've been... gone, so, you shouldn't feel bad if you don't do quite as well."
Discord shoved his face within inches of Fluttershy's, provoking a panicked squeak from her. “I'm ten times more fun than her. I'd make a far better ruler than that stick in the mud."
Twilight cocked her head sideways at him. “Really? So, you think you could get a higher approval rating than Celestia?" Disbelief oozed from every word, and Discord grit his teeth against the lack of faith these ponies seemed to have in him.
“Of course I could get more ponies to like me than she can." Small puffs of smoke were floating out from his ears as he shouted. “I'm Discord! There's nothing I can't do, or need I remind you of the chocolate rain and cola storms?"
Celestia stepped up in front of him, a tiny smile on her lips. “I bet you can't."
The word 'bet' seemed to freeze the room for a moment; it was so quiet that a pony could hear a pin drop. Slowly, ever so painstakingly slowly, a manic grin spread over Discord's face. “A bet, dear Celestia?" he asked. “What are we betting?"
The smile sent chills down Twilight's spine, and she could tell she wasn't the only pony in the room so affected. Celestia, however, sounded perfectly calm as she spoke.
“Us," she said. “The loser has to follow the winner's rules. If you lose, you have to obey our laws, and recognize my sister and I as the superior rulers. If, by some miracle, you can get a higher approval rating than me, without using mind controlling or emotion manipulating magic to do so, within a month... I'll start pulling pranks on every pony in Equestria, and I'll call you king."
Discord gripped one of Celestia's forelegs with his paw and shook. “Deal."
---Some time later, in the remodeled throne room---
Discord lounged upon a wooden throne, holding up a glass of... well, something. He wasn't entirely sure what it was, just that it was sweet, and thus, good. Finding out just what he had conjured for himself was frequently half the fun, after all.
The unicorn – what was her name again? Dusk something or another, he was fairly certain. She seemed to have a large stack of papers with her, which she was setting down in front of him on a table. He looked over the table again, wondering if the gumball dispensers it sat upon clashed too much with the polished marble floor and richly stained wood.
No, still just tacky enough. Oh, the looks that they were getting from the stuck up nobles whom Celestia had surrounded herself with! Why, he could have sworn that one was about to faint dead away on hi-
Thwack. A rolled-up bunch of papers retreated from Discord's face as he rubbed his muzzle in mock pain. It seemed that Miss Sparkle was ready to dazzle him. He allowed himself a small hint of mirth, only to receive a death-glare from his little adviser. He hadn't laughed that loud at his little joke, and it wasn't like he said it out loud... or had he?
Twilight slapped the temporary ruler of Equestria with her rolled up checklist a second time to get his attention. “Now then, since you agreed to this little bet of Princess Celestia's, I figured that you would want to know what you're up against.”
He nodded and motioned for her to continue. In his head, he was imagining Celestia creeping up on somepony with a rubber chicken in hoof, whoopee cushions at the ready. He could hardly wait for his final victory over her with this little game. Twilight shoved a sheet of paper in front of his face, so close that he could barely make out any of the characters.
Discord pushed the paper back with a cautious claw, as though it was something disgusting and not to be touched. “Right, right, I'm listening. What do you have for me, my dear?”
Twilight caught the paper back in her magical grip and floated it down in front of Discord. “This is the last report on citizen approval for Celestia. The Princess has a survey done every year without fail, so this is your target number.”
Discord leaned forward to look at the paper, curious as to just how many ponies dreary, boring old Celestia could have possibly kept happy. “Ninety-five? That doesn't sound too bad,” he said, taking a sip from his drink. Chocolate and pineapple, incidentally.
“That's ninety-five percent, Discord.”
Discord sprayed his drink across the table, somehow managing to put enough force behind it for the stream of liquid to strike Twilight directly in the face. “She has what kind of approval rating?” he shouted.
Twilight pulled a small towel out to wipe her face off. “You did that on purpose, didn't you? And yes, ninety-five percent approval.” Twilight tossed the towel aside, where it landed on the ground with a squeak, turning into a pink flamingo. She pointedly ignored it. “It had been higher – ninety-eight at her highest a couple years ago – but some of the nobility was less than thrilled with her decision to welcome her sister back into a position of power. A few of them claim she's become too soft and forgiving. Then, they turn around and ask if they can get a tax break after losing some bits from an ill-advised poker game.”
Discord took a bite out of a sandwich that he had gotten out of one of the gumball dispensers. It cost him an oblong pebble. “That does make this a bit tougher than expected,” he admitted. “By the way, would you say that I'd look better in pink, or in turnip?”
One of Twilight's eyes twitched. “Turnip isn't a color,” she growled out. “Can't you focus on something for more than five seconds?”
Discord slid off of his throne, sliding up next to Twilight. “I never said anything about turnip being a color, dear. Now why don't you stop going off on tangents, and we can start working on getting my approval rating up to ninety-nine percent.”
Twitch. Twilight grit her teeth in frustration. “How exactly am I the one going off on tangents, you absolutely insufferable buffo– and we're in Cloudsdale.” Twilight glanced down at the clouds below her, and looked around at the pegasus city. Even as she watched, clouds turned blue and green, pink and purple, and in one spot, a sort of off-white that did not belong in the sky.
Discord leaned down next to Twilight, and whispered into her ear. “Do try to keep up, won't you?” He started skating forward across some pale blue clouds that bubbled underfoot, heading towards the city proper where pegasi were already starting to panic.
Simply standing there for a moment, Twilight took a ragged breath. “Deep breaths, Twilight, deep breaths,” she muttered. As she heard a scream from further in, her shoulders slumped down, and she summoned some magic into her horn.
“Why did I decide to be clever?” she asked to nopony in particular. “I could have just risked life and limb fighting a chaos god, but nooo, I wanted to do things my way. It worked with Luna, so why not Discord, I asked.”
Twilight sighed dramatically. “I've only been dealing with him for a few hours, and I already hate my life.”
With a flash of magenta light, Twilight vanished from the outer edge of Cloudsdale, and into the disaster.
---One very long half-hour later---
The last of the guards and gawking ponies had finally been convinced to go back to their homes, giving Twilight enough time to 'help Discord clean up.' She turned to look at him as he reclined in a fountain filled with pudding, bits of funnel cake stuck in his mane.
“Tell me, Discord, did you even think before simply leaping into action?” Twilight's voice was barely above a whisper, and it shook from rage. “No, I don't think you did. Nopony could have actually believed that just showing up out of nowhere and ruining the entire city would be a good idea. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Discord held up a cup of green liquid, and sloshed it around in her face. “Milkshake? It's mint and chocolate chip.”
Twilight narrowed her eyes at him. “You're trying to win ponies over here, in case you've forgotten about your bet with Celestia. This sort of thing is only going to alienate them all.” She casually levitated the milkshake to her side. “You should just be glad that so many of the ponies here know Pinkie Pie, and that I was able to convince them that she had given you advice on planning this.”
Discord looked around at his handiwork. Stately buildings with fluted cloud columns were covered in randomly splattered colors that universally clashed; pieces of funnel cake littered everything in sight, still soggy from the cola rain that had accompanied it. Parts of the city were upside down or sideways, and the only reason ponies could still use them was that the city was made up entirely of pegasi; a flock of birds flew overhead in formation, spelling out profanities in every color of the rainbow.
Finally, he looked back down to Twilight as she tossed an empty glass to one side and wiped her mouth. “I don't see what everypony's complaining about,” he finally admitted, shrugging. “It looks fine to me.”
Twilight started rubbing her forehead with her hoof, cringing slightly. It was going to take a lot more work than she had anticipated if she was going to keep Equestria running while it had its king. This was only the first city that they would need to visit, too. But in a way, that was a good thing – there were still places Discord hadn't screwed up.
“All right,” she finally said, “let me try to explain things to you.” Discord coiled himself up in front of Twilight's hooves, eyes and ears forward – the very picture of attentiveness.
Twilight cleared her throat. “Now then, ponies, even the ones who enjoy wild and zany things, want some form of stability in their lives. When a pony goes to work, they want to know what will be expected of them. When they go to get something to eat, they want to know what something tastes like. Celestia has such a high approval rating for just that reason; she provides stability in the government for ponies.
“You have an advantage over Celestia with your powers. You don't seem to have any real limitations to what you can do, and you throw magic around like you had no end to your stamina. You're creative and easygoing, which could make you easy to approach in a way that Celestia isn't, at least to the average pony. The only problem is that you keep on... doing things without considering the reaction ponies will have to what you do. Is this making any sense to you?”
Discord shook his head no, very slowly.
Twilight grit her teeth and closed her eyes for a moment. “All right, how about this. Ponies like to feel that they're in control of their own lives. When they want to do something spontaneous, they choose to do it, and they have final say in what they ultimately do. If you want ponies to enjoy your chaos, ask them for their opinions, and then give them what they want. Just channel your creativity into giving it to them in some unexpected and funny way.”
Discord's eyes lit up, and he shot forward, claw and paw clasped together in front of him. “Ooh, you mean the evil genie routine! I like the evil genie routine.” He looked as excited as Rainbow Dash right before a Wonderbolt show, and it was, quite frankly, a special kind of terrifying.
Twilight swung a rolled up legal document down onto his snout. “No, bad Discord, not the evil genie routine.” He sat back down with a pout. “Look,” she sighed. “The whole point is that you want ponies to like you, and approve of you as a ruler. Did those ponies look like they were enjoying themselves?”
Discord had to admit that she had a point there. Enjoyment didn't often go with screams of terror, especially when accompanied by crying, threats of bodily harm, begging for mercy, and desperate dashes to hiding places. Perhaps, just maybe, he had been overdoing things. If he wanted to win his bet, he might need to tone it down a bit.
“No,” he said, “they didn't look like they were enjoying themselves all that much.” It wasn't easy to admit it, even to himself, but he had just been so happy to be free again that he may have indulged more than he had intended. Come to think of it, that might have happened a few times before, too, with his perfectly laid plans coming apart at the seams while his mind was elsewhere, and his magic otherwise occupied.
Twilight smiled at him. “So, are we ready to start playing the game the right way? I'm kind of hoping to see Celestia's shocked face again; I find the look suits her quite well.”
Focused on his goal again, Discord nodded and composed himself. He could do things right. He could be patient, keeping a close eye on things until his victory was in paw. He could plan and plot with the best of them. Besides all that, he had a source of amusement to keep him entertained that he hadn't considered before. Both he and his unicorn adviser likely had stories to tell about Celestia, and they could share fantasies of pranks designed specifically for her.
Now though, it was time to plan. Time to use his resources to their fullest, time to sit down with Twilight Sparkle, and win a bet. Maybe, by the time this was all done, he would count her as his friend, and not gag at the notion. Maybe, he could find some way to trick Twilight into dressing up in something hilariously embarrassing while he was working with her – just to keep himself busy, of course.
He conjured a blackboard and some neon-pink chalk, and they started to work.
---A few days later---
Twilight was not happy. She had managed to get Discord to agree to a good many things, and they had gotten Equestria running properly again, for the most part. She had blamed all of the initial chaos that he had caused on magic that he had released unconsciously, back when he was freed from his statue. They had visited every major city to put on a proper celebration, too. The celebrations were still slightly chaotic, but most ponies were unwilling to complain about a festival that they didn't have to pay for, help set up, or clean up after... just so long as they were warned ahead of time that it was coming.
However, Twilight had to be there with him everywhere to keep his mind from wandering too much, and she hadn't had much time to do any research. And now? Now she was being forced to deal with nobles again.
The formal function had actually been Discord's idea, pulling the important ponies out from behind their barricaded doors so that they could start doing their jobs again. The party would show them that the government was still being run the same way and give them a sense of normalcy in order to pull them back in line. Twilight should have known something was up the second Discord started talking logically, without any gaping holes to patch up in his argument.
Celestia's crown slid down on Twilight's head again, covering one of her eyes. With a huff, she levitated it back into position and attempted to fix it in place with magic. She turned to Discord. “Remind me again why I'm wearing this ridiculously oversized regalia,” she whispered.
Discord smirked at her. “Because you thought it looked silly on me, especially when I tried it on with that dress. You're the one who said that we needed to show them something familiar, after all, so they need to see the crowns of office for their rulers.”
The enchantment holding up Luna's crown slipped, and the black crown slid down the side of Twilight's face.
“And the reason why my magic can't keep up both crowns at once for more than ten seconds?” she hissed at him, quickly re-lifting the offending chunk of metal.
Discord lifted his paw to his chest in mock shock. “You aren't suggesting I have something to do with that, are you? I'm sure the crowns are just enchanted in some way of their own, and that they're conflicting with each other.” Discord could be a very good liar when he wanted to be. Obviously, he wasn't trying too hard at the moment.
A white-coated unicorn with an overly long blonde mane trotted up to them, bowing with a flourish that would have been appreciated, if it weren't primarily to hide his mocking grin. Oh, how Twilight had learned to hate the blue bloods of the court, but none were quite as frustrating and annoying as Prince Blueblood. There should have been a limit to how entitled a pony could act, and it was hardly her fault that she had gotten a position of power technically higher than his... twice.
All right, maybe it was, just a little. Still, he had no business laughing at her when she was representing both of his princesses.
Once he had gotten his face to stop contorting, Blueblood brought out his latest budget suggestions, and he started a long-winded pitch about the importance of increasing spending on “historic district re-beautification and urban development”. Twilight didn't need to listen to it to know that it boiled down to giving him money that he could use for almost anything he wanted to build. Instead, she looked back at Discord to enjoy her little bit of revenge for the crowns.
Discord was sitting on his throne, but he didn't look too comfortable. He caught her looking and leaned over, whispering. “You know, you really can't complain about my prank too much after making me wear this.” He fidgeted in his seat again and pulled at the collar of his perfectly pressed black tuxedo.
Twilight grinned, despite the clank of both of the crowns on her head falling around her neck. “Well, it is a formal event, and you had already refused all of the normal accessories intended for royalty. You had to wear something that would meet basic dress code requirements.”
Finally, Blueblood wrapped up his speech and presented the document for approval. Twilight floated it up to Discord, who took it with a long-suffering look of boredom. He flipped through to somewhere in the middle of the stack of papers, and stuck a claw on one of the lines.
“Tell me, Twilight, am I reading this right? It looks like he's allocating tax money towards an addition to his mansion.”
Discord passed the papers down to Twilight, pointing out the offending paragraph. Twilight read it over twice, making sure of the possible translations of the legalese. “Yeah,” she affirmed, “that's what this says.”
Blueblood took a nervous step back, sweat rolling down his face. “Well,” he stammered, “I did have one of my assistants write it up, and I didn't have time to read over everything in there...”
Discord rolled his eyes. “At least think of a better excuse than that, please. I invented this sort of thing.” He took a bite out of the stack of papers, chewing thoughtfully. “It tastes rather like a whole steaming pile of-”
“-pony feathers,” Twilight interrupted. Discord lifted an eyebrow at her, and she shrugged.
“Regardless,” he said, turning back to the prince, “you seem to be forgetting that you aren't dealing with Celestia and Luna at the moment. I,” he proclaimed with a flourish, “am Discord. Master of chaos, original ruler of Equestria, and so forth. I can just snap my claws to do all of that without spending a bit or waiting for construction to get done. Why don't you just get a list of all of the new things you want built, and give that to me instead?”
Discord waved his paw to shoo Blueblood, who went, slightly wide-eyed, back to his group of fellow snobs. With this, the nobility would probably be completely in favor of Discord's continued rule, if only so that they could abuse his powers to their fullest.
Twilight gave Discord a quizzical look. “So,” she asked, “what sort of catch are you hitting him with, O mighty evil genie?”
“I thought I wasn't supposed to do the evil genie routine, though,” he replied. After a look, he said, “I never said I wouldn't add my own touches, though. I imagine that he'll enjoy his stairs that never end, wrap sideways and upside down and all around. And then, there are the doors that never lead to the same place twice.” He took another bite out of the stack of papers. “It actually tastes kind of hammy, if you want the truth.”
Twilight turned back to the next noble who was approaching with a stack of carefully written empty calories. The night was still young, even if it felt like it had lasted for ages already, and they would have to at least pretend to listen to several more self-important ponies before the night was up.
She was starting to consider claiming illness, but could not, in good conscience, leave Discord and the Canterlot nobility alone together; she'd come back to find all of the nobles turned into frogs, Discord curled up in a corner, or Equestria in ruins.
Instead, she decided to practice selectively viewable illusions while listening to legal proposals and requests. The old adage of picturing ponies in their underwear had nothing next to putting them in their grandmother's Sunday dress.
---Near the end of the month---
Twilight pulled up the last sheet of the surveys. She was actually rather impressed with them; getting an approval rating above fifty percent in the first month was nothing to sneeze at. Still, fifty-nine was a far cry from ninety-five, or Discord's self-set goal of ninety-nine. She levitated the final report to Discord.
“I'm forty percent short?” he asked, incredulous. “Just how the hay did Celestia ever manage such a ridiculous approval rating if ponies are so hard to keep pleased?”
Twilight pulled a fainting couch over for Discord, catching him on it just as he flopped back dramatically. He wasn't taking the news particularly well, but then, he had probably actually expected to be able to win Celestia's sucker bet.
“To be fair,” she said, “she did have the past thousand years of ruling alone to build that approval rating up. Ponies just aren't used to having anypony else in charge. Getting more than half to agree that you were doing a good job is really impressive, all things considered.”
Discord rolled over on the couch, perching precariously on the edge, and sighed. “Where did we go wrong?” he asked. “I thought for sure that we did everything right. How could anyone, pony or not, prefer Celestia over me?”
Twilight sat down next to him, holding up a glass of some sort of liquid for him. “Here, I turned some apples to oranges, and then squeezed them into a mix of lime juice and chocolate ice cream.” Discord managed a slight smile as he took the concoction.
Twilight floated over some old documents she had retrieved from the archives. “These are the lowest approval ratings that Celestia has had over the last thousand years. Look at her numbers for the decade after she banished Luna.”
Discord sat up, sipping his drink, and looked. The number on the paper almost made him lose part of his concoction. Almost. Some drinks just weren’t used for spit takes.
“Twelve?” he asked, staring at the page. “She had a twelve percent approval rating for the first year? And five for the third year... what did she do?”
Twilight looked up at him. “Other than banish her sister to the moon? She got drunk, a lot. She wasn't able to keep up with the strain of running a country on her own, even sober, and she was dealing with some heavy grief. That was why she created the noble caste: so that she wouldn't have to be the pony doing all the work, and so that there would be other ponies to blame for some of what was wrong in the country.
“You, on the other hoof, are a monster out of a foal's tale come to life, who swooped in and replaced the loved and respected rulers of the nation. Yet somehow, you’ve managed to get over half of the population to decide you aren’t too bad, after all. Celestia had at least been one of the land's rulers before she tried her hoof at ruling alone, so she had some measure of trust built up to start. Your record so far puts hers to shame badly enough that we could probably make a case for you winning the bet.”
Discord considered for a moment. “Neither of us specified when we were taking her approval rating from, but I'd imagine that more ponies would side with her than me for this. Still, it is something to gloat about, I guess.” He was smiling again, even if it wasn't from ear to ear.
“Besides,” Twilight commented, “after experiencing what it's like to be king, do you really want to keep doing this? The ruler of a country is in charge of putting the happiness of everypony else ahead of their own. At its core, the job is to be the upholder of order and stability for the entire nation. If you weren't trying to win a bet, you would have probably given up on this within the first five hours. Your basic nature is at odds with the job.”
He nodded. It was true that he hadn't much enjoyed the past month of work, even if he had found time for little pranks and jokes to keep himself sane. Without Twilight around, he wouldn't have managed it for anywhere near this long. However... “What about my part of the bet if I lose?” he asked.
Twilight simply smiled. “I thought you liked the evil genie routine. Even if you do lose the bet, there are loopholes everywhere to exploit, especially when it comes to your magic. The laws on magic use are intended for unicorns, not creatures capable of effectively altering reality on a whim. As long as there aren't too many ponies crying out for your head, Princess Celestia will just have to fume impotently while you do almost whatever you want.”
Ideas started presenting themselves to Discord as he thought back to all of the tricks he had seen from the nobility over the past month. His smile finally reached his ears as he comtemplated the freedom he would have after losing the bet. Compared to what he had survived as king of Equestria so far, it looked like paradise. Before he picked something to run with, though, he had an adviser to show his plans to. It was rather fun having somepony to appreciate his genius. Useful too, to have somepony who could think almost as deviously as himself. “Alright, my dear, I think I’ve got a pan. Here's what I'm thinking...”
---Canterlot throne room, just after the end of the month---
Celestia and Luna once more sat on their twin thrones, their crowns on their heads, and Twilight Sparkle at Luna's side. The princess of the night was wearing a pair of sunglasses left over from her vacation.
Discord bowed low to them, winking at Twilight as he did. “Ladies – oh wait,” he stopped and corrected himself. “Ahem. Your Majesties, I humbly admit my defeat in our bet, and relinquish the throne back to the two of you. I have seen that I am not truly fit for this sort of work, and so I shall leave it to the experts. I wish you luck in all of your endeavors, and offer my fealty as a mere citizen of Equestria.”
Celestia's jaw hung open slightly, and she looked like she was just waiting for the other horseshoe to drop. Discord could hardly allow himself to disappoint.
“I wish you particular enjoyment in your dealings with the nobility, balancing the budget, and all those other fun bits of ruling that I had blessedly forgotten about in my absence.” His grin nearly tore his face in half, and he wasn't even trying to hide his giggling. “I, on the other paw, claw, and hoof, will be starting up a business as an entrepreneur. Discord's House of Chaos, where ponies can come to escape the normal, the daily grind of work, and the need to watch what they do and say. I'm thinking of including an amusement park, a theater, and a nightclub, among other things. While you're stuck here working for an entire country, I'll be off being my own boss, thank you very much.”
That look on Celestia's face – the one where her jaw started trying to work, and failed – was worth every moment of effort he had put into the past month. He decided to poke a bit, and see what else he could make it do. “I do hope you enjoyed that vacation, Celestia, because I doubt you'll be getting any others soon.”
Was that a hint of jealousy that crossed Celestia's serene face? Pure dislike and hatred? Perhaps a touch of disbelief was spiked in with the other emotions. Discord dramatically raised his arms in the air, and confetti rained down from the ceiling. “Congratulations on your hard earned victory, my dear; I am vanquished fully and utterly. My paltry fifty-nine percent approval after one month of rule bows to your own experience and skill. My best wishes to you.”
He turned away from Celestia's increasingly unguarded and humorous expression for his Coup de grâce. “My lovely Luna, however, has not yet been properly compensated for her part in our game.”
Luna lifted her sunglasses, a hint of a smile on her lips. “Oh? I do suppose that my removal from the throne based on my sister's bet was an inconvenience. She should have consulted with me before agreeing to have you rule without me as well as without herself, even if you managed surprisingly well at things. Tell me, how do you plan to repay us for the inconvenience?”
“A lifetime of free admittance to my establishment, for you and your lovely adviser of course,” he proclaimed. “I expect that most of my customers will tend to frequent me in the evening and night, so you will always have plenty of company during the hours you are most frequently awake. It’s quite convenient that the government still tends to be its most busy during the day, isn't it? Unlike your sister, you'll actually have time to visit.”
Luna glanced surreptitiously at her sister, silently memorizing the contortions that her facial muscles were performing. “I believe that this is an acceptable gift, Discord. It sounds... fun. I shall visit sometime soon to see what entertainments you offer.”
Lastly, Discord looked over to Twilight. “Now, since this mess is over, would you mind telling me where you had the Elements hidden? I never did figure it out, and it's been driving me batty. Celestia never managed to keep something hidden from me for more than a few minutes, and you managed for a month. Where the hay were they?”
“Oh,” Twilight said, grinning sheepishly, “about that... I probably shouldn't tell you, what with them being your one weakness and all. You'd probably just try to steal them out of principle, even knowing that they weren't going to be used against you anytime soon.”
“Oh, so true. You know me too well, my dear,” Discord said with a laugh. With a final bow to his audience, he vanished in a flash of light, leaving the room once more confetti-less. Luna stood from her throne and trotted over to Twilight, a bounce in her steps. “Come, Twilight Sparkle. Though I am yet awake, the day is my sister's duty. Since I am so uncharacteristically awake, I desire for you to show me some of the day-life of the city. My sister will take care of reviewing your official notes on what has transpired over the last month, while you tell me the interesting parts over pastries and hot chocolate.”
Twilight looked at Celestia's face one last time. “Of course, Princess. I could never refuse a royal request.”
The two of them left the throne room, leaving Celestia sitting on her throne. The moment the door shut, she cast a silencing spell over the doors and windows, and then started exercising the Royal Canterlot Voice, as well as aspects of modern and archaic vocabulary not fit for a princess to use.
Discord's laughter rang through the room one last time, quiet enough to be lost in Celestia's ranting and cursing.
It was slightly after noon, and Twilight took a deep breath of fresh air as she walked down the streets of Canterlot. She had managed to finish her work for the night early enough for her to get to sleep before dawn, and though she might have enjoyed a trip down to Ponyville, or a bit of time in Discord's company, she had a purpose for the day.
Although she tried her hardest to keep up with all of her friends and family, there were times when somepony would fall through the cracks for a bit. Through schedule conflicts and bad luck, Twilight had been unable to check in on her own brother for nearly two weeks, and it was high time she fix that. She had appropriated his schedule, found the next day he had off, and ensured that she would have the day free as well.
Twilight reached her family's city home and knocked on the door before promptly teleporting past it. It was still good manners to knock, after all. She popped back into existence right in front of her brother as he was trotting to the door. Shining Armor fell back with a yelp of surprise, landing hard on his rump.
"Can't you ever use a door like a normal pony, Twilie?" he muttered. Twilight just grinned from ear to ear.
"Hey, it's not my fault you can't get used to it, oh brave Captain of the Royal Guard," she taunted at him. "Besides, it's worth skipping the door just for your reaction every time."
The both of them smiled, and they stepped into a hug. It really had been too long for both of their tastes. Even when Twilight was off on some excavation or something, she was seldom gone from Canterlot for more than a week, and most of the time, they were able to at least find a few minutes to talk in the castle. For the past week though, Twilight had been in diplomatic talks along with Princess Luna, and the week before, Shining Armor had been away to check on one of the further-out military outposts.
After a long moment, the two of them separated, and walked into the sitting room. Shining sat on a cushion, and cast a critical eye over his sister. "So... the Gryphons treated you and the Princess well I hope." he commented.
Twilight nodded. "It turns out that Rainbow Dash had a gryphon friend back in flight camp, and she was able to tell me a lot about their culture ahead of time. If Dash hadn't mentioned how horrible their table manners were, I might have lost my lunch that first day. Turns out that some of them like to kill their food at the table, although I'm fairly sure that they were trying to be even worse than normal for us." Luna had watched the display with little more than a lifted eyebrow, while Twilight had needed to use a bit of magic to prevent herself from feeling too sick to eat. Even a daisy sandwich could be hard to stomach when someone was ripping a squirrel to shreds across the table.
Twilight shook her head to clear out the memories. "What about you?" she asked. "Anything interesting to report?"
Shining looked to one side for a moment, coloring slightly. "Well..." he said, "I might be... getting married soon?"
Twilight blinked at the comment, and then looked for any signs that her brother was joking around, trying to get a reaction out of her. No smile, no ear twitch... nope, not joking. He looked fairly serious.
She sat there for a moment, letting the sudden silence stretch on before she finally asked the obvious question. "Alright, can I have some more details than that? What does might be getting married mean? Who, and since when?"
Shining Armor took a moment to compose himself. "Well, Twilie, you remember Cadence, right?"
Twilight's good mood returned full force at the mention of her favorite foalsitter. "Cadence, eh?" she asked, narrowing her eyes slightly. "Now how long has that been going on, I wonder. No no, don't answer that, I can probably guess." Shining's face turned slightly pinkish. It was so fun to tease him at times.
"So," she pressed, "what happened to bring about this happy event? The two of you weren't caught doing something... inappropriate with each other, were you? Did you propose to her yet?"
Shining drew upon all of his training to force his face straight and, if not totally back to white, less pink at least. "We've been considering it for a while now, but the time just never seemed right. Even now, we can't tell anypony about it for another week or two, at least until she get's back to Canterlot from her trip to the frontier. She insisted on going without any guards to straighten things out with the buffalo down there, and we want to make sure that she's here when we make the announcement."
Twilight distinctly noticed that he hadn't confirmed or denied her claims of them being caught together. Considering that it hadn't shown up as a scandal in one of the newspapers, she figured that it had been one of the Princesses who'd caught them together. She'd save that for another time though.
"This is great," she exclaimed as she jumped to her hooves. "You're going to be marrying Cadence, and that will put you in a position to help counter Prince Blueblood!"
Shining chuckled slightly, and patted her on the head. "Don't you think you're excited for the wrong part there, Twilie?" he asked playfully. "This means that Cadence is going to be your big sister, and that you might get to be an aunt sometime soon. Besides all that, Cadence wanted you to help plan the wedding, and I want you to be my best mare. Things are going to be getting exciting once Cadence gets back, you know."
Twilight looked up enthusiastically at Shining. "Of course I'll help out. I'd say that you didn't have to ask, but I'll note that you didn't bother. This is wonderful news! My news about Rainbow and me raiding the tomb of an ancient Gryphon king, right under the noses of their rulers, hardly seems worth mentioning next to that."
Shining smiled down at his sister for a moment. Then the last sentence registered for him. "Wait, you did what?" he shouted.
---Canterlot Castle Library, that night---
Twilight set down her most recent book, one on political marriages, on top of a stack of newspapers and tabloids. Even if she did already like Cadence, and already approved, she wanted to make sure that she knew everything that she might have to deal with once her brother was married.
So far though, it was as if there weren’t any strings attached anywhere. Cadence's parents were both dead from a freak accident years back, and Cadence had been brought up in the castle by Princess Celestia along with a small army of tutors and servants. She was a cousin of Prince Blueblood, but they were never really seen together since an incident in their foalhoods. Other than that, it seemed that there wasn't a single speck of dirt to be dug up.
Not that Twilight was hoping for any dirt, of course. She had just expected some small scandal here, a long time enemy there, membership with a not-so-secret secret organization on the side... but no, there was nothing. It was, actually, almost frightening how few ponies seemed to have any sort of dislike for her. Everypony had some enemies, even if it didn't make logical sense.
Still, it would be nice to not have to deal with any extra messes on her plate from the marriage. With this, she could just see the wedding done with a smile on her face, and start calling Princess Cadence her big sister.
Twilight could still recall so many fond memories of the times Cadence foalsat her for her parents. Now, though, she could appreciate the time Cadence had made for her even more, since she knew just how much effort must have been involved in getting her free time.
Cadence was a Princess, a member of the royal family, and even if she would never need to worry about inheriting, she had still been trained for the possibility of running a country. She had guards on her whenever she left the castle and servants keeping an eye on her every action inside, along with constant lessons on etiquette, politics, and everything else under the sun. Even as a teenager, Cadence would have had to go through constant tutoring, and would have needed to fight tooth and hoof to get any sort of free time. Yet, she always made time to foal sit for little Twilight Sparkle.
Instead of sneaking out and going on dates, she would stay with Twilight and play with dolls with her when her parents and brother were out. Instead of reading romances and watching plays, she read with Twilight, curled up together under a blanket. Instead of going to visit potential royal and noble suitors, she gave Twilight baths... and taught her a secret dance that involved... waving her flank... in Cadence's face...
Huh. Come to think of it, looking at those fond memories in the wrong light, and without knowing the type of pony Cadence was, a pony could be forgiven for getting the wrong idea about their relationship. But this was Cadence after all, and she just loved ponies. Her special talent was even spreading love with magic! Spreading love, mending relationships – how many ponies could do that?
...Wait a minute.
Twilight forced herself to pause in her train of thought. Hadn't there been some issue in Ponyville recently, where some fillies had used a love potion on their teacher to try to 'help' her with Hearts and Hooves Day? The fillies involved had been given quite the stern talking to according to Rarity, and were only let off as easily as that because they had actually helped fix the mess they had made. Even so, they were forced to swear never to dabble in love magic again, because of the moral issues with forcing feelings onto other ponies.
Twilight levitated over an old book on magical ethics and legality and flipped over to emotional magic, like her own 'want it, need it' spell. There, in front of her, was a full fifty pages devoted to historical abuses of the magic, and all of the laws and ethical decisions that ponies had come up with in response. The law, as always, left plenty of room for small, harmless pranks and honest mistakes, but it was quite clear that full-out love magic was only to be used on ponies with their consent.
Twilight let her mind drift to one of the times she had seen Cadence use her magic: Two ponies were arguing loudly in public, disrupting their walk, and Cadence had used her magic to 'fix' whatever problems they had been having. Forcibly, and without asking for any consent. She hadn't even seemed to pause and consider things before hoof either, and Twilight, young as she had been, didn't think twice about it.
Now though, small memories like that one were surfacing in Twilight's mind, feeding strength to a sudden and disturbing train of thought.
Why the buck didn't anypony bat an eye at a member of royalty using love magic all the time? Had she ever used her love magic on Twilight? Or Celestia? And come to think of it, hasn’t she been avoiding Luna like she had the plague since her return? Twilight had just assumed that it was because of the whole Nightmare Moon thing, but perhaps it was more an issue with Luna's seemingly paranoid tendency to always keep magical protections up on herself. Even if Cadence had managed to work her magic on Celestia, Luna was more powerful, and ever more on guard around other ponies.
What if the only reason Cadence was so universally liked, was because she was using her magic to keep it that way? A lot of things would be overlooked if nopony could help but love her, after all. And love magic was closely linked with spells designed to affect other aspects of the mind, too. If she was good enough with her magic, Cadence could probably keep ponies from remembering anything that would be too likely to make them dislike her.
This is ridiculous. Twilight put the book down along with the others. I know I have tendencies to blow things out of proportion once in awhile, and I don't want to ruin my brother's wedding by going crazy on him. Besides that, I'd like to keep Cadence as a friend, assuming she isn't secretly a horrible pony.
There was that nagging thought again, though. Twilight grimaced, but now that she had let her paranoia out of its cage, there was no putting it back before it was assuaged. Of course, it had served her well when dealing with Equestria's movers and shakers before, and Princess Cadence did count as one of those.
On the plus side, it wasn't like she could think of any malevolent reason for Cadence to be marrying her brother – Cadence was already a princess, even if she wasn’t one of the ruling ones – so she couldn't be looking for power. That was the main motivation of most members of the court, and Cadence was outranked only by Celestia, Luna, and Twilight herself. And she was looking to marry Twilight's big brother, and re-integrate herself into her life after years of little-to-no interaction.
Ugh. Stupid paranoia. Twilight rubbed her temple with a hoof, trying to fight off a sudden headache. Cadence could already just use her old connection to Twilight if she wanted to. Still, if she was using her love magic so freely, and felt the need to avoid the one pony who could be guaranteed to resist it... Twilight owed it to her brother to at least find out if he was about to marry a snake.
There was a simple enough way to find out one way or the other, though. All she needed to do was ward her mind from any sort of mind magic, and then talk to Cadence for a bit. If Cadence was just used to using her magic to ensure everypony loved her, regardless of how she acted, she'd likely not have the best of social skills. She'd be used to ponies making allowances for her every flaw, and so she wouldn't have learned to hide them properly. Quite frankly, she'd probably either be easier to read than a basic algebra textbook, or she'd simply be a bitch.
If Twilight noticed absolutely nothing wrong with her before the wedding was done, then she'd be able to convince herself that her old foal sitter really was a good pony. Or at least not horrible, and after seeing as many nobles as she had, that would be enough.
There, problem solved. Now shut up brain. Twilight would need to review magical protections, particularly ones that were hard to detect and ones that would guard her thoughts and emotions, but that was familiar territory for her. She levitated the reading she'd already finished back to where it belonged, and started scanning the shelves for what she needed. It was going to be another long night.
---Canterlot Castle, a couple weeks later---
Twilight fidgeted slightly from in the stone hallway, double-checking her spells once more. She both did and didn't want to see Cadence right then, and the reasoning was convoluted, even by her standards.
On the one hoof, she liked to be right about things; it was nearly an obsession of hers to be right. There was little that was more cathartic than the sense of being correct in one's assumptions. On the other hoof, however, if she was right, she'd be proving not only that one of her favorite ponies from her foalhood was actually a terrible pony – she'd be proving that she had been hoodwinked for around a decade by somepony.
As much as she loved seeing proof of her reasoning prowess, Twilight was hoping that she was wrong about something, and that was a more alien sensation than that time Discord had made her two-dimensional. He had said it was to help her see how most of the ponies in Equestria felt, although she could hardly imagine why losing her depth was supposed to help her connect to ponies.
She checked over her spell work again. It was flawless, of course, as was to be expected after being double-checked for the seventy-eighth time. No spell even remotely resembling mind-altering or emotional manipulation magic could possibly touch her. Even spells meant to be more passive, designed to pick up on her thoughts and emotions, would register nothing from her; her magic was keeping all of her thoughts and emotions close to her heart, as it were.
As Twilight reached number eighty, a trumpet fanfare signaled Cadence's return to Canterlot, a pair of guards greeting her as Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Twilight plastered a smile on her face that was, by her estimate, only thirty-eight percent fake, and then opened the doors to greet her old foalsitter, side by side with her brother.
Cadence stood at the gates with a carefully bored look on her face, trying to ignore the two guards that had opened the doors to admit her. She was obviously still in 'regal diplomat' mode, not letting her emotions reach her face, but she wasn't exactly expecting to be greeted by her fiancé and his sister. A calculated move on Twilight's part, as she would get the most reliable reaction with surprise.
Shining and Twilight stepped out into the light so that Cadence could see them, and her eyes locked onto Shining Armor's so quickly that they nearly made a clicking noise. Within a second, he had Cadence wrapped in a completely undignified hug, and her face jumped first to surprise, and then melted into a look of intense pleasure. She looked about ready to moan out loud as her eyes fluttered shut momentarily, and Twilight chided herself slightly. This was the pony she had been worrying was evil? Regardless of anything else, she obviously loved Shining Armor... though perhaps a bit too much, given her reaction to a simple hug.
Twilight's smile lost all traces of insincerity as the two of them separated, and she bounced forward in a Pinkie Pie inspired manner. “Cadence!” All of her paranoid thoughts fled for a single perfect moment as she looked up at her favorite foalsitter. It had been too long since they had had a moment out from under the scrutiny of the nobility, and there was really only one thing to do.
“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake,” Twilight chanted, hopping up and down in their old dance. “Clap your hooves and do a little shake!”
Cadence just stared for an awkward moment. “...What are you doing?” she finally asked, a look of confusion and slight disgust coloring her features.
Something was wrong. That was not the happy greeting that Twilight had been looking forward to, and her doubts from earlier came crashing back. Even so, Twilight turned herself back to face Cadence, slightly embarrassed that she had gone back to waving her flank in the Princess's face. She wasn't a little filly anymore, after all.
“It's me, Twilight,” she said, searching Cadence's face for any hint of recognition or the warmth she remembered seeing. There was none.
Cadence stepped back away from Twilight, closer to Shining Armor. “Uh huh,” she muttered.
Shining put his hoof back around Cadence's back, smiling carefully at Twilight. “Maybe I should take Cadence and help her get settled back in, alright, Twilight?” he asked. “I'm sure that she's tired from her trip. Tell Princess Celestia that she'll be up to report in about... an hour or two from now, okay?”
“Sure,” Twilight nodded, her smile now more than a little forced. “Well then, I'll be seeing you two in a bit, right?” she asked. She looked at Cadence again, and received a glare that sent shivers down her spine.
“Absolutely,” Cadence all but purred out, leaning against Shining before prompting him to move.
As the two of them made their way inside, Twilight stood in shock, staring after them. That's Cadence? That horrid little bitch is my beautiful, loving foalsitter? She thought to herself, watching as they turned a corner out of sight. Holy bucking Celestia, I was right. Without her love magic influencing me, she's a horrible pony.
Twilight mentally probed her protective magics, looking for any evidence of... anything really. She was expecting it at this point, but she felt betrayed all over again when she found something. There was a slight residue of some sort of magic on her mental shields – not much, and hardly noticeable, but enough. It was the final nail in a coffin.
Princess Mi Amore bucking Cadenza's coffin, if she had anything to say about it.
She teleported herself straight to her room, startling Spike as he stashed a drawing of Rarity he'd been staring at. Flopping onto her bed, Twilight stared blankly up at the ceiling for a minute, breathing deeply. She would need to be calm if she was going to be plotting somepony's doom, after all.
Spike recovered from his shock, and climbed up next to her. “Sooo, that bad, huh?” he asked. At Twilight's curt nod, he fidgeted slightly. “Does that mean that you're going to be doing something drastic now?” Another nod. “Right then. If you don't need me for anything, I'll be hiding in a cave somewhere, just in case.”
Twilight sat up and leveled a look at him. “Spike, take a letter. In fact, take several.”
Spike sighed, walked over to the desk, and picked up a quill and a stack of paper. Cadence had no idea of the terror she had called down on herself. Twilight Sparkle, Royal Advisor to Princess Luna, wielder of the Element of Magic, personal student of Princess Celestia, and close personal friend of Discord, had just put her on the top of her enemies list.
---Several Days later, in the Canterlot dungeons---
She sat at a large wooden table, the oppressive darkness of the stone room pressed back only slightly by a pair of candles. The iron door opened with a creak, and five cloaked figures of roughly equal height walked in, sitting around the table, leaving only one cushion empty. The six hooded figures glanced around briefly.
One of them cleared her throat. “Twilight, dear, while I appreciate your desire to adhere to the old standbys and such, must I wear such a drab cloak? I'm sure that we could hold this conference just as well in stylish, color-coded robes rather than these... brown abominations.”
At the head of the table, the first cloaked figure lifted a lavender hoof to her face. “Rarity, the whole point of this is that we aren't supposed to use our names or show our faces. Besides, the book was very specific about the robes: Brown or black, full face coverage, and slightly threadbare. They go with the dark underground dungeon we're meeting in.”
A bright pink hoof shot into the air, accompanied by a high pitched voice. “I'm Pinkie Pie!” the figure shouted. The rest of the ponies looked over at her. “What, it's not like we even need the cloaks. The dungeons don't have any prisoners right now, and Twilight checked the place out herself for magical bugs and stuff, not that I'm sure how insects could give away our identities or anything, especially ladybugs. Unless they were magic talking bugs or something, but that would be silly! Unless they could turn into rocks or something, in which case this table could be listening in on everything we were saying, but Twilight checked for bugs, so I'm sure it's fine. We've already broken at least a couple of the rules for these cloak and dagger meetings by not having daggers in the first place, so I vote we stop being such silly fillies.”
In the silence that descended, the other five looked at each other. “Ah'm going to say, if Pinkie Pie thinks we're being silly, it's bad.” At a few nods, each of the ponies took off the cloaks.
Rainbow Dash looked down at hers sadly. “I thought it was a cool idea. All the villains in Daring Do used cloaks in secret meetings, or kept hidden in the shadows and stuff.” With a sigh, she tossed the cloak behind her. “So anyways, Twilight, what's up? You promised to explain things when we were all here.”
Twilight nodded, shuffling some papers in front of her with her magic. “We're still waiting on Luna, but I've already filled her in on some of this. Girls, I've called you all here for a very serious reason: My brother is about to be married to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza-”
Rarity's eyes went wide as she shot to her hooves. “Oh, a royal wedding!” she squeaked out. “That's wonderful, dear. But then why the cloaks? And why don't you look happier?” she asked, her face going from ecstatic to worried and concerned in mere seconds. “Oh dear, this isn't going to turn out to be one of those scandals where you secretly are in love with your brother and want to keep him to yourself, will it?”
Fluttershy turned bright red and let out an 'eep' at the question, while Twilight just closed her eyes in frustration. Seeing her look, Rarity chuckled and waved her hoof. “Never mind, you'll explain things yourself I'm sure. Do carry on, dear.”
“Thank you, Rarity,” Twilight responded. “Now then, Cadenza, or Cadence as her friends tend to call her, used to be my foal sitter when I was young – younger than Sweetie Belle even. At the time, I practically thought she walked on water, and I loved her. No, Rarity, not like that, so sit back down. The thing is, everypony loves Cadence. Everypony loves her, because her special talent is love magic.
“She uses her love magic to ensure that nopony can even think about disliking her for any reason, and I suspect that she might even be able to tamper with pony's thoughts and memories. After I heard about the wedding, I had been looking into her background when I realized just how wrong that sounded, and I began questioning some of what I felt about her. Before the next time I saw her, I used my magic to shield my mind and emotions from any sort of magic I could.
“She was, in a word, horrible. She wasn't even remotely like how I remembered her, and when I checked my spells, I caught traces of a passive emotional spell of some sort having brushed against me. I still don't know why she's wanting to marry my brother, but considering that he's the Captain of the Royal Guard, as well as being my brother, there are plenty of ways she could use this. That alone would be enough to warrant me bringing this up with Celestia, but there's more.”
The others leaned forward as Twilight visibly composed herself, searching for the words to use.
“She foalsat me several times for my parents before I got into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, choosing that over all sorts of other things that a teenager might use her time for. I always felt special for the way she seemed to love me so much. She read with me in my bed at night to help me sleep, she gave me baths... and she taught me a little dance that I was supposed to do for her a lot of the time. One that I never mentioned to my parents. I'll show you it, and let you draw your own conclusions.”
Twilight stepped back from the table, and plastering a smile on her face, started hopping and singing. When she turned and shoved her flank in the air, though, giving it a 'little shake', she heard a sharp collective intake of breath from her friends. She turned back around to see her friends staring.
“Oh... oh my,” Fluttershy whispered. It summed up everypony's feelings fairly well at the moment, and nopony else felt ready to articulate their opinions.
Twilight nodded at Fluttershy's response. “Yes, that was my reaction when I thought back on that. I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt when she got back, and even did my little dance for her. She was dismissive and fake at best, and didn't seem interested in me now that I'm grown. That's the pony who's trying to marry my big brother. A pony who abuses love magic for her own ends, using it freely on anypony she wants without restraint, and a potential foal molester on top of everything else. Girls, we are here to plan no less than the destruction of Princess Cadenza's public image, self worth, and all of her life's ambitions and plans. This is a political assassination. This is personal.”
Once more, silence descended on the ponies gathered. The door then opened again, and Luna stepped through, garbed in a black hooded robe. “Hello everypony,” she said, “did I miss anything? I'd have been here sooner, but I could not find a robe in brown.”
---Canterlot Castle Kitchens---
Twilight watched as the kitchen staff ran about, working to finish the tremendous amount of food that was required for the wedding. Applejack hurried to and fro, working like a madmare, perfectly into her role as supervisor of the catering services. Twilight held up her checklists, first one for each thing that needed to be done in the kitchen; cake, ice sculpture, mini-fritters and so forth... and then one for Cadenza's disgrace. First step: Prove to friends and Luna that Cadence is evil.
Luna had argued that, even if things looked bad so far, if they were somehow wrong about their assumptions, then Twilight would feel terrible. She'd also alienate her brother and an old friend of hers, and make a political enemy at the same time. There was a possibility, no matter how small, that Cadence was just very tired when she returned to Canterlot, and that all the things Twilight remembered from her foalhood had perfectly rational explanations.
Even she had admitted that it was unlikely to be anything other than what Twilight and her friends were assuming, but it was better to be sure. In order to allow for the best chance of finding any proof, Twilight had pulled some strings to get her friends involved in the wedding planning. The fact that this would leave them in place for after they had proof was just the icing on the cake. And speaking of cake...
Applejack finished putting some finishing touches on a ridiculously huge wedding cake – apple-flavored, of course. “Cake, check,” she called over. Twilight marked off a check box on her first list, and Applejack rushed back to the ice sculpture she'd been working on while some of the food baked. With a few last adjustments, she stood back to admire her work, and told Twilight “Ice sculpture: Check.”
Twilight smiled despite herself. Everypony was sure to enjoy helping on the wedding even if Cadence did fix up her act. Her smile faded as she caught a glimpse out of the window, at the huge shield spell her brother had covered the city with. Right after Twilight and her friends had met, the shield had been brought up due to a 'threat to Canterlot' that Celestia had received. The timing was too perfect for Twilight, and it left a bad taste in her mouth-
Applejack shoved an apple fritter in her mouth, interrupting her thoughts, and dispelling even the thought of a bad taste. They were delicious. “Best darn bite-sized apple fritters you ever tasted?” Applejack asked, smiling. She knew darn well that they were.
“Check,” Twilight admitted, savoring the treat.
Twilight stood up and stretched, looking around. All the preparations in the kitchens were going fine so far, but Twilight was expecting Cadence to show up sometime soon- The door opened suddenly, and Cadence walked in proudly. Twilight all but growled in her throat just looking at her, and had to step back so she wouldn't say something she'd regret. Somehow, she hated Cadence even more, just from looking at her. That couldn't be healthy.
“Hiya, Princess!” Applejack called. She was, of course, warded with all the same spells as Twilight had been, along with a few more that Luna had shown her. All of their team was.
Cadence gave a bored look, as though she thought even being in the kitchen was a waste of time. “Please,” she droned, “call me Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.” Suddenly, Twilight could believe that this was Blueblood's cousin.
Applejack's smile gained a hard edge, but she re-greeted the royal pain all the same. “Hiya, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,” she drawled back, forcing her face a bit close to the Alicorn. “You come to check out what's on the menu for your big day?”
Cadenza suddenly forced the most phony smile Twilight had ever seen onto her face, looking slightly nervous. “I have.”
Applejack searched her face for a moment, and then turned to reach for the fritters. Cadenza didn't even have the grace to keep her fake expression on her face for a second after Applejack had turned around. Twilight narrowed her eyes as she watched.
Applejack held up the fritters for her, and Cadenza levitated one up to her mouth, taking a tiny bite of the treat. “Delicious,” she stammered. “I love, love, love them!”
Twilight checked off a box from her mental checklist. Easier to read than a basic Algebra textbook indeed. Applejack lifted an eyebrow, and reached under the table for a brown bag. That's not something I remember Applejack mentioning. Twilight thought to herself, cocking her head.
“Aw, shucks,” Applejack said smoothly, “why don't you take a few to go.” ...And Twilight was treated to the second most fake smile she'd ever seen, this time from one of her friends.
What's she doing?
Cadence looked at the bag like it might contain cockroaches or something, and gingerly took it. Applejack pressed forward. “Why not try another bite of these, too? I've had them sitting for a bit, so I need to know if they're still good, and all.”
With much hesitation, Cadence took another fritter out, and took the smallest bite Twilight had ever seen, before shoving it back in. “They’re good too... but I'll eat them later,” she said, backing up, and then all but running to get out of the kitchen. The second she was out the door, the bag was tossed as far as she could send it.
Twilight walked over to her friend, looking at her slightly malicious grin. “Applejack, what was that?” she asked.
“Laxative-filled fritters. I'm convinced she's a complete fake. She doesn't have an ounce of decent manners, and she's a bigger fraud than Flim and Flam mixed in a blender and poured over Trixie. Everything about her is fake or Ah don't bear the Element of Honesty.”
Twilight stared at Applejack for a moment, and then took a step back. She hadn't been expecting her of all ponies to pull something before they were ready to set off the plan. Not that Cadence didn't deserve it and then some, but she had obviously been able to tell something was up. Twilight prayed that this wouldn't interfere with anything down the road.
---Twilight's room---
Twilight looked around at her friends, now all sitting in her room, most of them slightly sheepish. Pinkie and Rainbow, of course, were the exceptions to that, but the others looked sheepish.
“Alright, I kind of expected Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash to pull some sort of prank,” she told them. “Using Poison Joke powder in her bath was even rather inspired, I have to say. It's a shame that the bridesmaids were the ones caught in it instead of Cadence. Applejack's laxative filled fritters were slightly unexpected, as was the itching powder filled dress that Rarity attempted to get Cadence to wear. However, you two should probably leave that sort of thing to others from now on. She knew something was up with both of you two the second she walked in the room.” Rarity and Applejack cringed slightly under Twilight's stern glare, but as she turned to Fluttershy, the normally timid mare kept her head up. “However, Fluttershy, you having your birds attack her came completely out of left field. What happened?”
Fluttershy picked up a hideous little red bird on her hoof, and started stroking it. “I don't know what you're talking about Twilight. My birds simply didn't like her when she insulted their singing. I may have told them about our suspicions of what Princess Mi Amore Cadenza did to you as a filly, and about how rude she's been being, but I never told them to maul her.”
The room just looked at Fluttershy for a long moment. Finally Rainbow Dash piped up. “So, re-read Iron Will's self-help book yesterday or something?”
Fluttershy grinned. “After I heard about what we were doing, I decided that normal Fluttershy wouldn't be able to be helpful enough, so I dug it out for a read. I made sure to only read parts of it though, and I've been keeping close tabs on my anger levels. Don't worry, girls, I remember how bad I got last time.”
Twilight cringed as Pinkie and Rainbow held up their hoofs to congratulate Fluttershy. “You all do remember that we were hoping to catch her off guard to ruin her life and stop the wedding, not just make the week leading up to it miserable for her, right?” she asked. “Also, even if we're all fairly convinced she's horrible, and we've found traces of emotional manipulation magic on all of your shields, Princess Luna still wants a bit more concrete evidence. That way, when we have to tell Princess Celestia all about what we did and why, she'll support our decision instead of having us all locked up.”
Applejack raised a hoof. After Twilight glared at her, she asked “But don't ya kind of, unofficial’ like, rule Equestria at this point, Twi?”
Twilight blinked, and looked at all her nodding friends. “Uh... that's besides the point,” she muttered, ducking down slightly.
“So,” Rarity started, “If Cadenza isn't going to be around to marry your brother, the dashing captain of the royal guard, will that mean he's free for me?” Somewhere in the background, Spike started coughing heavily, while several ponies rolled their eyes.
Twilight's eye twitched. Why do you think I never mentioned him around you before, you shallow, melodramatic, starstruck noble-chasing floozy? Twilight had to make a conscious effort to not say what she was thinking, reminding herself of all of Rarity's good traits. “After this mess, Rarity, I think he'll need some time before he considers dating again. Ask again in a year or two.” Or never. Never works too.
Deep breaths, Twilight, deep breaths. Rarity looked disappointed, while Rainbow Dash seemed highly amused. She had probably read Twilight's mental tirade word for word from that twitch and her expression. She'd done as much in that gryphon tomb, after all.
Twilight forced herself calm. “Alright, look, I've set up a spying spell in Princess Cadence's rooms, and as soon as Luna gets back from talking with Discord, we'll be using it. Now, I don't expect her to incriminate herself the second we turn it on, so we'll need to have shifts watching for anything we can use against-”
The door flung itself open, and Princess Luna staggered in. Her wings were pink, her hooves were neon orange, and her mane was covered in cotton candy. She was also grinning ear to ear and giggling.
“So,” Twilight asked, “is Discord with us on this plan?”
Luna giggled again before collapsing on Twilight's bed. “Yes, he most definitely is willing to be there,” she said, finally quieting her laughter. “He looks forward to seeing what you have planned, and will be ready to intervene if needed. Or if he thinks it would be humorous for him to do so.”
Rarity, eye's wide and jaw open, pointed at Luna in disbelief. Luna finally noticed, and, with a roll of her eyes, dissolved into sparkling mist and reformed next to Twilight, perfectly clean and regal looking once more. Twilight's bed, of course, was a mess as a result.
Twilight levitated a mirror onto the table in the middle of the room, forced her mind to the task at hand. “Alright, Princess, would you care to do the honors?” she asked.
Princess Luna responded by closing her eyes and summoning her magic. Her horn began to glow a deep blue color, and the surface of the mirror clouded over, before clearing again. Everypony leaned forward to see what Cadence was doing in her private room.
Deep in the mirror, Princess Cadence was wearing her dress, ready for her upcoming wedding. However, she appeared to be... singing. Evilly.
“This day is going to be perfect, The kind of day of which I dreamed since I was small. Everypony will gather 'round, say I look lovely in my gown, What they don't know is that I have fooled them all!”
Rainbow Dash looked up across the mirror's surface. “Is she seriously singing about her evil plans? Doesn't she know there are guards like, right outside her door?”
“I could care less about the dress, I won't partake in any caaake –”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Did she just smash a fruit basket? Oh, she is evil, isn't she?”
“Vows, well I'll be lying when I saaaay, That through any kind of weather, I'll want us to be together, The truth is I don't care for him at aaaaall!”
“ Nice set of lungs she's got on her, though,” Rarity commented.
“No I do not love the groom, In myyyy heart there is no rooom. But I still want him to be all miiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!”
Pinkie rubbed her chin with a hoof. “You know,” she said, “I think this could make a great duet somehow, but I'm not sure how.”
Luna and Twilight both stared at the mirror with their jaws open. They looked at each other for a moment, and Luna shut off the spell. “Well, I think we have all the evidence we could possibly need,” Luna said. “I don't think even I ever went around singing about how evil I was. In fact, even Discord never broke into song about how evil he was. Chocolate rain, he sang about, but not about how perfect his evil plans were.”
Twilight coughed, cleared her throat, and sat down. “She sings about her evil plans, at the top of her lungs. Opera style, almost.” Disbelief finally gave way to amusement. “I do believe we have just witnessed something truly unique, girls: the single dumbest villain in Equestrian history.”
Fluttershy kept quiet, but she reached over to one side, and started stroking her bird again. The bird puffed out its chest in pride. It had done good, and it knew it.
Twilight levitated the mirror back to the wall, pulled out her huge stack of complicated, foolproof plans to ruin Cadence, and promptly tossed them to one side. “Don't need those anymore. This has just gone from a delicate operation to a simple mercy killing. All we need...”
Twilight pulled an old toy box from the side of her room and started digging through it. A hideous doll was lovingly set to one side, as were some old picture books and letter blocks. Some tacky, gaudy fake jewelry was tossed to one side, and finally Twilight came up with some more tacky and gaudy jewelry – The Elements of Harmony.
Levitating the necklaces and the tiara above her, Twilight turned back to her friends. “All we need is raw brute force, backed by a hoof-full of emergency contingencies.”
---Chapel---
Twilight stood at the dais, overlooking her preparations as the guests started arriving. Luna had re-donned her Nightmare Moon form, and was standing behind a curtain off to one side while Discord floated above the cloth coverings near the ceiling. All of her friends were wearing their Elements of Harmony under their bridesmaids outfits, and Twilight's own tiara rested snugly on her forehead, in plain open view. Nopony would recognize it after all, except maybe Discord; the last time the Elements were seen, they were large, round orbs, not gaudy jewelry.
Twilight had been studying all of the previous night, going over the spells she needed for her current plan. It was simplicity itself, now that they knew just how bad Cadence was at this whole 'being evil' thing. She had placed a crystal up at the dais, designed to disrupt any currently active magics in the room. After she activated that, Cadence's love spells would fail, and then Twilight would hit her with a combination truth spell, and something that Discord had helped her come up with: A dramatic monologue spell. After Cadence was hit with those, all she'd need would be one tiny excuse to start talking, and she'd dig her own grave, unable to stop.
Then, as Cadence was technically an alicorn, they would have not only Celestia, but also Nightmare Moon, Discord, and the Elements of Harmony all ready to smash her if she decided to try anything drastic. Twilight believed in overkill. Besides, she hadn't gotten to use the Elements of Harmony yet, and was eager to see what they would do to Cadence. They seemed to enjoy ironic forms of banishment, so maybe they'd force her to go to villain kindergarten for the next thousand years.
Really, this day was going to be perfect. Just not for Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.
The guests finished settling into their seats, Celestia took her place at the dais, and Twilight channeled her vengeful glee into the most sparkling smile imaginable, right as Shining Armor walked in to take his place next to her. Twilight glanced at her brother and just stared. His eyes were unfocused and glowing green; he looked like he hadn't slept in ages, and he didn't seem to be all there.
“Hi, Twi~light.” Even his voice sounded like some sort of blatantly mind controlled puppet.
Twilight looked over to Celestia, hoping that she wasn't blind enough to miss something like this. She just kept on smiling, apparently oblivious. And there goes any faith I had left in Princess Celestia being able to handle the country on her own. I've got to wonder how she survived before I came along to help.
She was broken out of her train of thoughts by the blaring of trumpets, and the sounds of bird song. Cadence stepped into the room, and slowly advanced to stand in front of Princess Celestia.
Showtime.
Celestia began her speech, and Twilight shifted next to the disrupting crystal. “Mares and Gentlecolts, we are here to celebrate the union of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and Captain Shining Armor. Shining Armor, do you promise to love and to cherish this mare, to stay by her side in sickness and in health, for the rest of your natural life?”
Shining Armor jerked his head up and down in some semblance of a nod, and droned out the words “I do” in a complete monotone. Apparently happy with this, Celestia turned to Cadence, just as Twilight activated her crystal. The hum of the crystal was covered by Celestia's words, but Twilight could see the crystal work, as Shining Armor's eyes slowly lost their green glow.
“And do you, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, promise to love and cheri-”
Celestia's speech was interrupted, as Cadence suddenly went wide-eyed and staggered back from the dais, her horn suddenly cracking. Huh, what's going on? A ring of green flames appeared around her, and a pillar of neon-green magic suddenly formed around her as she screamed in sudden rage, shocking gasps out of all the ponies assembled.
As the magic cleared, Cadence had been replaced by a large, black pony, with a long jagged horn and insect-like wings, with holes running through both her legs and wings. As she drew a rasping breath, staring down at herself, Twilight remembered to turn off the crystal, and cast her monologue spell.
“No!” the former alicorn shouted. “How did you destroy my disguise?”
Disguise? Twilight motioned for her friends to not say anything; this was getting weird.
The monologue spell had obviously taken hold, for the bug-monster-pony thing kept going without waiting for any response. “My plan was perfect, my disguise flawless! How was my deception discovered?” She turned to face Twilight, who was now whistling 'innocently'. “YOU!” she shouted. “This is all your fault somehow, isn't it. I should have known you would be trouble from the moment I met you! Where every other pony I encountered all but radiated love for their dear Princess, you were devoid of any positive emotions at all. I had simply thought you to be some sort of enemy of the pony I had replaced, but you must have seen through my disguise from the start, knowing I must have been a changeling!”
Twilight carefully schooled her expression as she responded. “Of course. I knew Cadence for years, and you couldn't imitate her to save your life. The second I saw you, I suspected something was wrong.” So glad I'm not the one with the Element of Honesty.
Not-Cadence started chuckling. “How very clever you must think yourself. Yes, I am a changeling, and not just any, but the Queen of the Changelings. You see, we feed off of the love of other creatures, and Equestria has more love than I've ever seen before! By taking over this land, we shall have more power than we’ve ever dreamed of. And while I've been here, I've feed deeply from Shining Armor's love for his dear Cadenza, weakening him and his spell. Even if he were not under my complete control, he could not hold his shield for much longer. Soon, my changeling army shall break through your barrier, and we shall rule all of Equestria! Even though you have revealed me, you are too late to do anything!”
Shining Armor cleared his throat, stepping beside Twilight. “Actually,” he said, “I'm not under your control anymore. I figure I can hold the shield for another four or five minutes easily enough.”
Not-Cadence recoiled slightly from Shining Armor, and then recovered herself. “...As I said, it matters not. In five minutes, Canterlot shall be mine!”
Princess Celestia stepped forward. “Did you forget about me? You don't really believe I'll just be sitting by as you attack my city, do you?”
A curtain on the side of the room was flung open, and Luna stepped out in her Nightmare Moon form, her mane billowing and eye's glowing white. “I too, should not be forgotten fool. I am she who brought Eternal Night to the world, and had logic not prevailed to make it a particularly short Eternal Night, the world would have been frozen over by my wrath. Do you think yourself capable of standing against me on my own? Let alone with me beside my sister?”
Not-Cadence blanched as she was stared down by both of the rulers of Equestria. She had probably figured she could fight Celestia, and that she would be able to recover before Luna was awake. That, or she'd just forgotten all about Luna's presence. Too bad for her.
Before she could even find something to say, maniacal laughter rang out from the room, and Discord appeared beside Not-Cadence, draping an arm over her neck. “Oh, this is simply wonderful entertainment. By the way, I should also probably mention that I'm here, too, just as a side note. Allow me to introduce myself; I'm Discord, the spirit of chaos, disharmony, and unusual food stuffs. I run a nice little business these days.”
Discord vanished and reappeared next to Twilight. “I also happen to count Twilight Sparkle here as my very dear friend, and she happened to ask me to be present for things here. It has been far too long since I was able to enjoy a good fight too, so that puts you up against three gods at once. Let me ask you now, are you feeling lucky?”
Twilight's friends stepped in behind Twilight, discarding their dresses to reveal their Elements of Harmony. As they stepped into position around Twilight, the necklaces and her tiara began to glow ominously. Twilight smirked at the Changeling Queen. “Oh, and we've also got the Elements of Harmony here, just in case everything else wasn't enough. Based on first hand accounts, your options, if we hit you with these, are banishment to the moon, or theoretically-permanent petrification. You really picked the wrong target here.”
Not-Cadence's rear legs seemed to just give out, and she sat with a thud, eyes wide as she assessed exactly what was arrayed against her. Celestia walked over to her, and placed a hoof on her back. “So,” Celestia drawled, “feel like surrendering, or do we just take turns humiliating you? Your pick.”
The Changeling queen looked over the forces arrayed against her, measuring her recently strengthened powers against them, and found herself lacking. Her entire army would probably fall to Nightmare Moon alone, and she would be near powerless against Discord. Being tag-teamed by the both of them along with Celestia was a recipe for pain. Lots of pain. Also, the Elements of what? Lunar banishment and permanent petrification?
She held up her hooves in defeat, intelligent enough to realize when there really wasn't any point in fighting. One mental command to her changelings, and her army began dispersing into hiding.
Celestia stood regally in front of Not-Cadence. “Well then, all that leaves is getting my niece back, and determining your punishment. Tell us where Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is, and we shall be lenient.”
All but growling, the changeling queen glared at Twilight. “I imprisoned her in the crystal caves beneath Canterlot. You should be able to find her simply enough with that knowledge.”
Celestia looked over to Shining Armor. “Captain, send out some soldiers to retrieve your real bride, if you would. Luna and I shall discuss the appropriate punishment for our prisoner with Twilight.” Shining Armor saluted and dashed off, still tired from the events of the day, but unwilling to stop until he was sure that Cadence was safe.
Celestia glanced around at the wedding guests. Wordlessly, she teleported herself, Twilight, Luna, and the Changeling queen all to the lower dungeons. She picked a room with a good sized table in it, and a good, heavy metal door.
Discord tapped Celestia on her head. “Pardon me,” he said, “but don't I get to have a vote here?”
“Hadn't you decided that you wanted nothing to do with politics, Discord?” Luna asked, arching a brow.
Discord rolled his eyes. “There's a world of difference between ruling and thinking up ironic punishments, Dear.”
Celestia donned her most serene smile, and levitated her crown off her head. “This is really just silly. We all know what we're going to do already, and I'm eager to secure my vacation time once more. Twilight, I trust you already have the perfect excuse for this by now?”
Much to the Changeling queen's confusion, Discord's face lit up like the sun. He smiled rather wide, too. “I'll need some popcorn to properly enjoy her lecture. This should be fun; she softened the blows for Luna and myself when she picked our logic to pieces, but I expect this time we'll get quite the show. Eternal Night and the Spirit of Chaos trying to rule a country almost make sense next to this level of stupidity.”
Before Not-Cadence could even look properly offended, Twilight stepped in front of her, a stern frown on her face. “First off, what's your name? It'll be easier if I don't have to keep thinking of you as Not-Cadence or by your title.”
The queen reared back dramatically. “I am Queen Chrysalis, Ruler of the Changelings! All cower before my might...” She lowered back down. “Or they did until now at least. Why am I getting a lecture as part of my punishment? Is it not enough that I have failed and am powerless before my enemies? If I am to be imprisoned for ages, simply let me go to my cell to rot. If I'm to be executed, tell me so, that I may make my peace.”
Twilight summoned a stack of papers, which she started shuffling. They were blank, but they helped her organize her thoughts regardless.
“Chrysalis,” she started, “you obviously failed to do your research before planning this invasion. However, as bad as that is, it's your logical fallacies that are earning you a lecture. Quite frankly, you're the worst villain I've ever seen – You're not going to be executed, because you're so bad at this that you aren't even a threat.”
Chrysalis glanced over to the immortals in the room, who were all now sharing some sort of snack food. “You're not serious about this, are you?”
Three synchronized nods.
Twilight continued. “First off, you mentioned that you feed on love, and yet you brought an army to try to invade us with. Hostile takeovers don't generally endear you to ponies. The whole reason why Equestria has so much love in it in the first place is because the citizens feel that they are fairly treated and respected by the government. Enslaving them wouldn't allow you to keep that love intact. All but the most powerful love magic can be broken by enough raw hatred, and love magic powerful enough to force ponies to ignore slavery would consume more energy than you could get from their love.
“It's called conservation of energy. If the only love being produced is created directly from your magic, then any magic you take from that love is the same magic you used on them in the first place, minus any lost in conversion and to spell decay and imperfect energy transfer. Something on a smaller scale might be doable with dream manipulation magic on ponies who were kept asleep or something... but that is entirely too much trouble for far too little net gain. And that's not even going into the amount of power you'd have needed coming into this fight to take out Celestia by herself, let alone Luna as well. I doubt that every single pony in Equestria put together would make up for the amount of power you would have had to expend to take over, at least once you factored in all of the energy costs for whatever method you presumably had for keeping them in check and capable of producing love!”
Chrysalis seemed to shrink into herself a little during the verbal assault. She hadn't thought her plan was that bad.
“Then,” Twilight growled, “you decided that your best course of action was to replace Cadence, and try to marry my brother?! You didn't think of attacking Celestia while her guard was down and then replacing her? You could have had another changeling take Cadence's form after you disabled Celestia, and they you'd have had the love of everypony in Equestria who so much as looked at you. That's what happens when an entire population has been raised on the idea that their immortal ruler is perfect, and anything wrong in the world is the fault of corrupt nobleponies.”
Discord lifted his claw, causing the table to turn into a gravity defying upside-down chandelier. Made of bright yellow rock candy and angry red pineapples, of course. “If I may interject?” he asked.
Twilight waved for him to go on, while Chrysalis backed away from the former table. It was like she'd never had her furniture randomly turned into painfully colorful food or something.
“Now, if you really wanted to take over Equestria,” he said, “you should have tried to replace Twilight Sparkle here. She already practically runs the place by herself, and Celestia and Luna both love her for having reconciled the two of them after a thousand years. It's not even a secret that Twilight's the one calling the shots at this point.”
Chrysalis finally found her voice again, though she seemed unable to form much more coherent than a simple “Wait, seriously?”
Luna turned her head up, seemingly deep in consideration. “That sounds about right to me. Sister, would you agree with Discord on his assessment?”
“Oh, certainly,” Celestia agreed happily.
Chrysalis opened her mouth, closed it again, and then lifted a hoof while opening her mouth again. “And you're okay with this?” she asked, disbelieving.
“Why wouldn't we be?” Celestia simply retorted. “She's mortal, in case you forgot, and we aren't. Besides all that, she's highly competent – a trait I find to be in rare supply, no matter where I search. You're a shining example of that fact.”
“You mean I'm an example of competence?” Chrysalis asked, her voice pitched as dangerously as she could make it. Her company was unimpressed.
“Yes, let us go with that,” Celestia responded. “Thanks to Twilight, the last two hostile takeover attempts upon my country have resulted in allowing me to cut my workload to a third of what it was a few years ago, and even take a month of vacation without any harm to Equestria. Quite frankly, I recognize a good thing when I see it, and I do not feel like interfering with a good thing. I am not a fool, Chrysalis.”
With a sigh of defeat, Chrysalis sank to the floor. “What is my punishment to be then? I am clearly too dangerous to be allowed to walk away, so I'm assuming imprisonment somewhere unpleasant? It would be fitting after I imprisoned your Cadenza underground.”
Luna chuckled. “Oh, your punishment shall be somewhere unpleasant to be sure. You shall face boredom and tedium beyond anything you have ever imagined, surrounded regularly by creatures with so little love in them that is shall hurt you to be within the same room as they.”
Chrysalis's eyes grew wide. She couldn't be about to be sent to Tartarus, could she? Anywhere else they locked her up, she had been confident she could escape from, but even changelings couldn't infiltrate such a place as that-
“Sister, you are frightening her,” Celestia scolded Luna playfully. Chrysalis snapped her head back up, a questioning look in her eyes. Celestia nodded to Twilight. “If you would be so kind, my faithful student?”
Discord jumped in before Twilight could say anything. “They mean you're going to be forced to rule Equestria. That's the standard punishment for trying to take over Equestira at the moment. I never thought I could actually love a law before.”
“You’re all crazy, aren't you?” Chrysalis asked, dead serious.
Discord laced his talons between his claws, and rested his head on them. “Guilty as charged.”
Twilight cleared her throat, causing all three of the immortal creatures of nigh-unlimited power to immediately give her their undivided attention. Chrysalis felt the beginnings of a headache, and turned her attention to Twilight as well. She was starting to question whether or not she had actually been blasted into a comatose state, and if this was all a feverish dream forced upon her by Nightmare Moon.
“Technically, we're not going to be giving you control over the country, Chrysalis. We're going to be forcing you to help deal with the aspects of ruling that nopony actually wants to bother with,” she explained. “You'll be using your shape-changing abilities to pose as Celestia and Luna at events and meetings that require their presence, but don't actually need them to be there. This will free the Princesses up to be able to work on more important matters of state, as well as giving them some free time for personal pursuits.”
Twilight looked over to Celestia for confirmation. She appeared to consider, and finally reach a decision. “I believe it would suit us best to force her to try to take care of the country on her own for at least a week or two before moving to your idea. Luna and myself will take a short vacation once more while she takes both of our places for everything during our absences, with Twilight here to help keep things running. After that, I believe she will be far more manageable.”
Chrysalis decided in that moment that, yes, all of these ponies were just as insane as Discord himself. “You do realize that you would be giving me the perfect opportunity to take over fully in your absence, right? You'll return to find Equestria crushed beneath my iron hoof!”
The entire room erupted into uncontrolled laughter, Discord the loudest of them all.
Luna was the first to recover enough to speak. “I give her a day before she's begging for our return.”
Celestia chided her. “Now, Luna, that's not very generous of you. I'm sure she'll last at least a day and a half.”
Discord popped to Chrysalis's side, shaking his head in sympathy. “My dear, by the time those two are back, you'll be willing to follow Twilight to Tartarus and back. Your loyalty will be unshakable, and you won't even have a thought of betraying her. It's just what she does. Fight it as long as you like, but it won't help.” He then leaned in closer, hissing into her ear. “However, harm one hair on her, and I might be inclined to turn you into a cactus and drop you in the frozen north. I could then – theoretically of course – make sure you would feel every moment ticking by as you froze to death, but even then, I wouldn’t let you die. You'd know nothing but pain for the rest of eternity... in such a hypothetical scenario. I’d suggest playing nice.”
Chrysalis didn't move as Discord patted her on the head and leaned back, vanishing into the air. Nopony else seemed to have heard his threat, and Chrysalis most decisively did not want to test his sincerity.
Twilight stood and walked over to her. “Well, I guess that settles things. I'll have a list of information you need to know ready by the end of the day, as well as a list of things I'll need to know about your changelings. You'll be staying in Princess Celestia's room for now. You know where that is, right?”
She fixed her face in a mask of mild annoyance so as not to betray her thoughts. “Of course. I'll head on up there in a moment.”
Even if she couldn't hurt the horrible little unicorn, Discord had said nothing about manipulating her, imprisoning her, or any one of countless other things she could do. She would have to tread carefully, and the day had hardly been perfect, but she might yet salvage things.
Twilight stood in front of the door to her brother's quarters, simply staring at the slab of wood as though it might contain all of the answers to the universe. She was trying to give an outward appearance of being calm and collected, but her thoughts and emotions were anything but.
Over the past two weeks, she had been wracked by paranoia regarding one of her oldest friends, had her suspicions apparently confirmed, had to hide a bubbling hatred while putting together a sabotaged wedding, and finally had the target of all of her emotions revealed to have been some sort of shape-shifting-bug-monster-pony thing. She had accidentally stopped an invasion of the country while trying to ruin the life of a pony she had once loved like a sister, and then found out that that same pony had actually been being held in captivity in potentially terrible conditions for nearly a month.
Looking at things rationally, there was no reason for her earlier suspicions of Cadence to be discounted just because something terrible had happened to Cadence. On the other hoof, just thinking that made Twilight feel like a cad, given the circumstances.
She could just try her original plan – observing Cadence and trying to determine what type of pony she was in reality – except that Cadence's current mental state might not be entirely representative of her normal self. Multiple weeks of malnutrition, fear, and imprisonment could easily leave long term scars on Cadence's psyche, not to mention short term damage. If Twilight based her opinion of Cadence off of observations made while Cadence was suffering from mental trauma, it would be unlikely to be the most reliable set of data she had ever collected.
Should I just confront her about things instead then? Twilight tossed that idea out with only the briefest consideration. Cadence would be in a fragile state right now, and Twilight wouldn't ever be able to forgive herself if she hurt her old foalsitter over some paranoia. Yet, just leaving things alone felt wrong too. What if the wedding was pushed forward immediately now that the true bride was present? What if Cadence really wasn't the sort of mare Twilight would want to see her brother marrying?
What if her trauma made her a different pony? Could it have been an eye opening experience for Cadence the love magic abusing snake? Or even a scarring experience for the wonderful and innocent Cadence? Did anything that might have happened in the past still matter if she wasn't the same pony after this?
Twilight sighed in frustration. Isn't there any way I can figure things out without the risk of hurting Cadence's potentially fragile emotions? Twilight's mind started pulling up lists of all the spells she knew, looking over them and discarding them as she thought of them. A mind reading spell? Illegal as Tartarus, and not perfectly reliable in any case against somepony whose special talent was manipulating thought and emotion. Heck, it wouldn't even be safe. The monologue spell? Cadence would probably just start talking about her imprisonment for hours on end, dredging up every last unhappy experience and memory she could before collapsing in tears. There just wasn't a single perfect spell to fix things.
Twilight didn't know if she was ready to talk to Cadence right now -- didn't know if she trusted Cadence either. All she knew, was that the decision to not go to comfort her old foalsitter and brother after the worst ordeal they had ever experienced would be the worst choice in a set of terrible options. And so she did the only other thing she could, and opened the door.
Shining Armor's quarters were fairly large, given that they were intended for the Captain of the Royal Guard, but the room somehow always managed to feel cluttered. He would leave papers, training weapons, and suits of armor on the floor for days on end. He had a filing cabinet off to the side of the room which was never organized, and which sometimes overflowed onto the floor. Adding a princess onto his bed with him only made the room feel smaller.
Shining Armor sat on his bed, with Cadence held tightly in his forelegs, even as she wrapped her wings around him in a similar embrace. Twilight could hear some sort of murmurings from them, but she found her eyes riveted to Cadence the second she saw her.
Captivity had not been kind to Cadence: her ribs were quite visible at her sides in a way that was undoubtedly far from healthy; her mane and coat had grown too long in some spots, while others were scratched to the skin beneath; the bags under her eyes were dark enough that somepony might think that she had been beaten.
On the bright side, she was clean, and from the empty food tray and dirty bowls lying on the floor nearby, she was eating enough that her ribs wouldn't be showing for too much longer. Twilight idly wondered how many of those bowls had been properly nutritious foods to help Cadence recover, and how many had been 'comfort foods'.
Twilight shook her head clear of her disjointed thoughts, and worked up her courage before clearing her throat to draw attention to herself. “Hey, Cadence. How are you doing?” she asked nervously, lifting a hoof in greeting and slapping a fragile smile onto her face.
Even with the malnutrition and sleep deprivation, Cadence had somehow done an excellent job of maintaining her limb strength – 'crushing' was the only word fitting for the amount of force she put into the hug that Twilight found herself suddenly wrapped in as the Alicorn sprung from the bed and tackled her.
Cadence nuzzled Twilight as she crushed her. “Oh, Twilight! Thank you. Shining told me how you saw through that fraud's disguise in an instant, and how you did everything in your power to get me back.”
Twilight tried to breathe enough that she could talk, and failed. Twilight teleported herself out from Cadence's death grip rather than risk suffocation while waiting to be released. She gasped in large breaths of air as she landed on one of the room's many stacks of papers, and Cadence had the good sense to look repentant and slightly embarrassed over her enthusiasm.
Shining Armor finally got off of his bed and onto the floor to join his fiance again. He wrapped his foreleg around Cadence, smiling joviality. “Hey Twilie, thanks for stopping by to see us. I just got done filling Cadence in on how you saved us by revealing that imposter.” He nuzzled Cadence against her neck. “She's been wanting to thank you, and ask what the Princesses are planning to do with the changeling queen. I've been rather curious myself – they haven't told the guards much of anything yet aside from giving us orders to keep things under wraps.”
Twilight carefully moved off of the stacks of paper, trying not to disturb them too much, and wondered just how her brother and Cadence would react to the punishment Chrysalis was getting. Might as well test the waters first, and see how they react.
“Well, she did kidnap royalty and attempt a coup of the kingdom, so...” Twilight let her sentence hang for a moment as she looked at their faces.
Shining Armor's eyes had hardened slightly, and he was nodding with a grim, but satisfied looking expression. He was looking for punishment, and lots of it. His special somepony had been kidnapped, he had been mind-controlled, and Cadence obviously hadn't been treated perfectly during her captivity. Twilight might have a bit of trouble selling him on the idea of what kind of amounted to giving Chrysalis everything she had wanted, just not on her terms.
Glancing over to Cadence on the other hoof... Cadence's eyes had gone wide; her lower lip quivering. “Aunt Luna isn't going to hurt her, is she?” she asked with a wavering voice.
Shining Armor just stared at his fiance for a long moment, stunned, before both he and Twilight looked at each other, and started chuckling. “Now that, is the Cadence we all know and love,” he said.
Twilight felt more than a small amount of tension drain from herself. That sort of response was just so much like the Cadence who Twilight had looked up to in her foalhood, that easily half of her worries about Cadence were instantly dispelled. Mirth still in her voice, Twilight shook her head. “No, Cadence, don't worry. Neither of the princesses are planning to hurt her... at least not physically. Celestia and Luna both know how to take an opportunity when they see it.”
Shining Armor's face fell in an instant. “Wait,” he said, “they're not planning to make her ruler for the month or something like what happened with Discord, are they?”
Twilight avoided making eye contact. “Well, not precisely like with Discord...” She trailed off, and risked another look at her brother's face. Apparently, uncontrolled muscle spasms under the eye during times of stress ran in her family. Good to know.
“Oh for the love of-- no. Just no!” Shining shouted. “What the hay are they thinking? Or better yet, are they even thinking anything at all?!” His breathing was starting to grow heavier, and the facial muscle spasms were starting to get worse. Twilight couldn't help but wonder if she looked anything like that when she got upset by somepony doing something she felt was particularly idiotic. If so, it explained why Discord enjoyed teasing her so much.
A small pinkish heart floated over behind Shining Armor's head, and popped. With the miniscule sound, he seemed to deflate some, the anger leaking out of him to be replaced with weary acceptance and mild annoyance. “I guess it's their choice, and the princesses usually know what they're doing.” He sighed and gave a weak smile. “I'm guessing our jobs are going to be keeping her in check? I'd just like to know the master plan behind crazy ideas like this before everything's over and done with for once.”
...And here come the other half of my concerns. Twilight carefully kept her face a stoic mask of calm. She had plenty of practice not letting her emotions slip when it wouldn't suit her – sometimes, it was easier than other times to keep her thoughts from showing on her face. Her current situation was not one of the easier times.
As Cadence leaned up against Shining Armor, a magenta glow formed around him and quickly yanked him over to the door. Twilight's horn dimmed as she set her brother down. “That's actually a great idea, BBBFF!” she shouted, perhaps a tad too enthusiastically. “Why don't you go talk to Princess Celestia real quick? You're Captain of her royal guard, after all, so she shouldn't mind cluing you in on everything. I need to talk to Cadence for a moment in private anyway, so have fun.”
Without waiting for protests, Twilight teleported her brother to the other side of the door, before turning around to glare at Cadence, whose face was scrunched up with confusion.
“What do you need to talk to me in private about, Twilight?” Cadence asked with an innocent expression of concern on her face. Twilight's eye twitched, and she opened her mouth, not quite sure what she was planning to say, other than that it probably was not going to be very diplomatic. She didn't get the chance as Cadence's entire face lit up, disturbingly similar to Pinkie Pie whenever the word party came up. “Oh, I've got it! You've finally decided to ask Rainbow Dash out!”
Twilight sputtered. “What?” she shouted. “That doesn't even – I don't even – No! I'm not dating Rainbow Dash. Where did that even come from?”
Cadence frowned for a moment, before brightening again. “Oh, so it's Aunt Luna after all. I know that there are going to be some problems, but I'm sure the power of your love will pull through in the end. It's so wonderfu–”
Twilight held up her hoof to cut in before she lost her sanity. “I'm not dating Luna either. Where the hay are you even getting these ideas from? What even makes you think I'm interested in mares?” Twilight snapped her mouth shut in horror as she saw her old foalsitter's eyes light up again.
“That's it! Even though anypony else would see only a monster when they looked at him, Discord changed himself out of his love for you. It all makes sense!” Cadence sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye. “So beautiful...”
Twilight simply stood, staring with her mouth agape. “Sweet Celestia and Luna no!” she cried out. “I don't even – he's not even a pony for pony's sake! Why would you – how could you even think that – Aaaaarrrrgh!” she cried out, collapsing to the ground with her hooves holding her head and her eyes clinched tight against that particular mental image.
Cadence stroked her chin with a hoof, her eyes turned upwards to the ceiling. After a pause, she looked back at Twilight, who was still gagging and dry heaving on the ground. “Hmm...” she murmured. “Alright then, I'm stumped. So who is the lucky pony you need help with?”
Twilight fought her way to her hooves, forcing her newest mental trauma into a deep, dark corner of her mind to be dealt with later. “Nopony. I wasn't wanting to talk to you about my love life, Cadence,” she said.
Cadence tilted her head to one side, confusion scrunching up her face. “But then, why did you need to talk to me in private, Twilight? You and Shining have always had such a good relationship, I figured the only reason you wouldn't want him to hear something was if it was something private or embarrassing.” Cadence lowered herself to the floor gingerly, and smiled kindly. “Oh well,” she said, “just tell me what you wanted to talk about, Twilight.”
Twilight looked at her old foalsitter, and briefly entertained the possibility that Cadence honestly didn't realize that Twilight might have taken exception to her using magic to pacify Shining Armor. With an incredulous expression, Twilight determined that she should probably rectify that. “Cadence, you just used love magic on my brother.”
Cadence blinked. “...And?” she asked.
“And that's terrible!” Twilight shouted. “He was just mind-controlled by a giant bug-pony who was posing as you, and the first thing you do after being reunited is to use mind-magic to pacify him?! What the hay were you thinking?”
“Oh.” Cadence's eyes widened, and she looked down at the floor, apparently finding something interesting in the scattered documents. “I hadn't really thought about that.”
Twilight wasn't having any of it. “How can you not think about using magic to alter a pony's thoughts and emotions?”
“Well,” Cadence said, “he was getting stressed, and he gets horrible headaches when he's too stressed. Besides, Shining's position requires him to make decisions with a level head, and all that spell does is calm a pony's emotions to help prevent unnecessary conflict. I use it to help him.”
“That's not the point!” Twilight shouted. She was finding that she was doing that more often than normal today. “You just nonchalantly used mind-altering magic on somepony without getting their consent first. Did you use magic to make him fall in love with you in the first place too?”
Cadence gasped. “You don't honestly think I'd do something like that do you, Twilight? Love is a sacred thing, not something created by magic.”
What. Did she just say... “Isn't your special talent love magic though? Meaning you found your cutie mark by using love magic?” It might have come out a bit more like an accusation than Twilight had intended, but then again, it kind-of was.
Cadence's smile returned with such swiftness that it nearly gave Twilight whiplash. “Of course it is, silly. My special talent is mending love, and restoring or strengthening a pony's love. I got my cutie mark by helping a couple who were fighting get back together. They were happy together normally, but some misunderstandings had ruined things, and they wouldn't talk to each other. I used my magic to remind them of their powerful love for each other, and got them to talk things out.”
Twilight could already feel a familiar headache forming, similar to whenever she tried to get Pinkie to explain something she did or thought. “Then have you ever strengthened my brother's love for you, Cadence? Perhaps back before you two were dating, and he was treating you like a friend?”
With a softer expression, Cadence shook her head. “Twilight, I know you're concerned for your brother after everything, but I can assure you I would never abuse my magic like that. I'll admit I sometimes use some minor little spells to help ponies calm down so that they can think things through without their emotions running wild... and that diplomatic talks are much easier when everypony in a room have a warm, fuzzy feeling in their chest. But I love Shining Armor far too much to try to force his love.”
“Let me see if I've got this.” Twilight rubbed the bridge of her nose with a hoof. “You would never abuse your magic, right?” she asked.
“Of course not,” Cadence replied, not even hesitating for a moment.
Twilight's logic-headache was starting to feel like she had discord tap-dancing on her head. “Yet, using it during diplomatic talks to ensure that ponies agree with you is fine, as is using it on couples who are having a fight, or on ponies who are upset for good reasons, and probably a few other situations you haven't mentioned. Without checking to see if you have permission from the ponies first, I might add.”
Cadence nodded, quite happy that such a potentially damaging misunderstanding had been cleared up before it could fester. Those things could be dangerous to a healthy friendship. “Yep! Nopony likes fighting, and being angry or upset leads to fighting,” she explained, taking on the voice she always used when explaining something to a foal she was watching.
“When ponies are fighting, they're not happy, so obviously they won't mind me helping them calm down or avoid a fight. It's like implied consent for medical treatment on a pony who's unconscious: when a pony is upset, they won't be able to ask me to fix things for them, but it's obviously what they would want when they're thinking straight!”
Had Cadence always had such disregard for sanity? It was an assault to all of the logical parts of Twilight's mind to listen to her without shouting just how utterly wrong it was to compare necessary medical attention to love magic. How she could say things like that with a straight face was beyond Twilight, but every sense she had developed from dealing with lying politicians told her that Cadence was being completely earnest. It was almost like crossing Pinkie Pie's logic with Rarity's overly generous attempts to 'save' ponies from their own fashion sense and Fluttershy's desire to avoid conflict, and then mixing in an Alicorn's magic power. That thought snapped Twilight out of her momentary daze.
Twilight made a mental note to request a therapist for Cadence, claiming PTSD causing an unhealthy obsession with conflict avoidance. She then began casting a pain relief spell on herself for her headache.
Right then. Cadence isn't so much evil as completely unaware of basic magical ethics and law... despite being raised by Princess Celestia... who would have certainly tried to drill morals and ethics into a pony who's special talent was love magic. Twilight grimaced at how little things were wanting to match up for her. How the hay did this happen? Did Celestia delegate that particular task to a criminally lax teacher? Did Cadence sleep through the lessons? Actually, it wouldn't surprise me too much if she used her magic to convince her teachers to skip any lessons that she thought were too boring.
“You know what? Fine. I am completely fine with everything you just said,” Twilight lied through her teeth, once more glad she didn't have to try to bear the element of Honesty. “Cadence, I am wonderfully, amazingly glad to see you safe, and that's all I really care about right now. However, I do have a teensy-tiny thing that I need your help with just as soon as you feel up to it.”
Cadence nodded attentively. “Of course,” she cooed soothingly. “I would do anything to help out ponies, but especially my favorite little unicorn.”
“...Right,” Twilight sighed. “Here's what I'll need, if you can manage it...”
- - -Princess Celestia's Study- - -
Queen Chrysalis of the Changeling Empire, currently the temporary ruler of Equestria in the absence of its reigning diarchs, sat fuming behind a desk, gold shod hooves crossed in annoyance. The desk was a marvel to behold, made primarily of polished white wood with gold trim, but that was to be expected in Celestia's personal study. All sorts of displays of wealth adorned the room, along with framed pictures of ponies whom Chrysalis was sure had died years ago.
She wondered just how she could be so annoyed at her adversaries, when they had effectively rolled over backwards to make her life easier. Ever since they had learned that Chrysalis was trying to take over the country, they had done everything they could think of to make it easier for her to succeed. As she fumed, she sat at Celestia's desk, wearing Celestia's form and sitting in her chair, looking over a stack of papers that contained nearly every piece of information she would need to properly replace both princesses without attracting attention.
The main obstacles which should have been standing in her way – Princesses Celestia and Luna – had covered up the attack at the wedding as best they could, sworn ponies involved to secrecy, and then left her in charge. They were currently not even in the city to the best of her knowledge, having left on vacation to the beach or something.
It shouldn't have annoyed her that her victims were doing their best to help her. It really shouldn't. If anything, Chrysalis should have found herself thinking of how much simpler it would be to pose as ponies if they always were so thoughtful as to leave detailed instructions on how to avoid detection. It shouldn't annoy her if her enemies chose to act foolish.
And yet... she was used to being treated with fear and respect! She was Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, devourer of hope and love, scourge of... several places she was sure. She hadn't actually kept track of all the places her hive had infiltrated and stolen love from, and most of those places never even realized that her changelings had existed in the first place... but those few who had discovered her and her minions had known true fear and hatred. Elaborate schemes had brought them low, as they went mad finding all those they had thought they could trust to be her agents in disguise.
Here? Here she was laughed at, and then simply hoofed the crown on a silver platter! The rulers did not fear that she could take control from them, and trusted that she could be kept in line by a single unicorn. Not a circle of archmages holding bindings on her mind, but a single unicorn who wasn't even trying to keep her in sight at all times! She wasn't even nearby as far as Chrysalis knew.
That was the problem, she decided. She was used to being treated seriously by her opponents in those cases where she was discovered, and still win. Yet here, not only had she found her carefully laid plans destroyed in an instant, her emergency backup plan blocked, and her own power thoroughly outmatched... but she had been so soundly thrashed and defeated by a bunch of fools who didn't see her as a threat. They were so confident in themselves, they were willing to put their enemy in charge while they went on vacation! She couldn't stress that part enough!
She forced herself to calm down, and set aside her indignation. Her foes had underestimated her, and that would be their undoing. She would take Equestria from the incompetent hooves that held it for now, and then her changelings would never want for food again! All she needed was a cunning plan. Let them think me a harmless fool and dimwit! It shall only make my victory over them all the more sweet.
- - -
Chrysalis set the last of the pages of instructions to one side of the desk. It had taken hours, but she had memorized the schedules she would need to keep to to pose as the Princesses, along with the general personalities she was to use both in public, and in private with specific nobles and officials who knew a 'different side' to their rulers. Nothing was stated regarding how the princesses acted around Twilight Sparkle in private, of course, but she didn't need to worry about keeping up her act in front of somepony who already knew who and what she was.
She would need to hold night court as Luna starting at midnight, meet with some officials to go over some public appearance that Luna needed to make soon, and then tell some tax officials that their new laws were trash. Until then, however, she had an hour of daylight left, followed by four or five hours of darkness before her first royal duty. Presumably, she was meant to use those six hours to sleep, as she would have very little time between the end of Luna's night, and the start of Celestia's long and busy day.
Sleep can come after I've taken over the country.
Six hours was both nowhere near as much time as she would have preferred, and far more time than she had dared hope she would have. She mentally went over a list of what she would need for her conquest. First and foremost, she needed to know what she was up against in full.
Her spies had watched Equestria for twenty years before she had chosen to commit, and in all that time, nothing had truly happened. She stopped paying attention for a while, building up her forces and moving them into position for contingencies. She had assumed that a country that had had little of note happen in its recorded history for over four hundred years would be stable enough to hold to that trend.
She had revised that idea when Nightmare Moon returned and plunged the world into night eternal for two or three days. Yet, the appearance of a second ruler hadn't done much to change her plans; she only needed to ensure that she was not discovered early on, and take the two of them down separately. As one was nocturnal and the other diurnal, that wouldn't be a problem. If anything, a pair of Alicorns who hadn't known each other well for a thousand years could only work to her advantage should she manage to replace one of them. Their love for each other would have fed her wonderfully, and once she had defeated them, she could work her magic on them, and control the very creatures who moved the sun and moon!
How the Spirit of Chaos's return had managed to pass by less noticed than Nightmare Moon's, Chrysalis still didn't know. She'd have to find out which changelings had been supposed to be monitoring things in Equestria for important developments.
Along with those 'Elements of Harming me' or whatever Twilight had mentioned having, Discord was one of the largest problems to tackle. He obviously cared about the blasted unicorn some, and seemed on good enough terms with the rulers of the country... but he had also been a statue for who knew how long over a thousand years. Chrysalis couldn't imagine that he would have dropped his grudge on that front so simply, but would need to have some of her minions gather more information before she could move to keep Discord from interfering.
That left Twilight's collection of magic artifacts as the primary unknown. She had used one item to strip Chrysalis of her disguise, while removing her control over Shining Armor, and that hadn't even been her trump card. It would be the height of humiliation if she defeated two goddesses and brokered a deal with the master of chaos, only to be vanquished by a normal unicorn with some gaudy jewelry. The first order of business was thus to find out all she could about what items Twilight could bring to bear on her own. If only she had full, unrestricted access to every single text and document in the castle.
Oh, wait...
Chuckling to herself, Chrysalis trotted out of her room, and turned towards the royal library, thankful that she had memorized much of the castle's layout while she posed as Cadence. It would have seemed odd for Princess Celestia to have to ask where her own library was.
- - -
Perhaps the single most infuriating part of posing as Celestia, was that she was never allowed to drop her calm and serene expression. All expressions on Celestia's face were some variation of the same calm baseline, giving away little of her thoughts. At the moment, she was able to make a barely perceivable frown to show her displeasure. She wanted to scream her head off and tear the head off of the overly formal mare who was managing the restricted archives.
“My memory isn't always as perfect as I'd like it to be, but when did we start doing this again?” Chrysalis kept her face as still as she could while she placed all of the weight she could manage into a simple look. It was much harder than Celestia made it look.
The Archivist glanced nervously around, and looked to the two royal guards who had seen fit to accompany 'Celestia' to the archives. One of them gave a near in-perceivable shrug, and the mare looked back to her ruler. “About two months after Discord's month of rule ended, your highness. The rule was passed by your sister and the notice delivered by Lady Sparkle. After Discord made off with a number of books without any record of him checking them out... Lady Sparkle was searching the Castle for the missing tomes for nearly three months before she found them all. She hates to find things unorganized, so she decided to set things up like this to, as she put it, 'preempt disasters from any more of the Princess's old friends taking up residence'.”
Chrysalis held back a violent twitch of her eyes. Celestia did not lose control. Once she felt confident that her voice wouldn't be above the soft, calming tones she was supposed to use, she smiled to the archivist. “Well then, I suppose you should get me the paperwork. I intended to do some reading before I slept tonight, and I'd rather not be losing too much of my free time.”
The mare rushed to retrieve a sheet of paper, and hoofed the form to Chrysalis. “Here you go, your highness. Again, I apologize for the inconvenience. Fill that form out, and I can unlock the Archive for you. After you find your selections, I can give you the request forms...” seeing something in Chrysalis's look, the mare stammered. “...Or, or I could fill out the request forms for you after you show me what you're taking. It's part of my job to keep the records anyway, so I should be able to fill them out for you easy enough.”
“Thank you, my little pony.” Chrysalis felt slightly ill just from saying that last corny line, but the notes on Celestia had been emphatic about the Sun Princess's love for the term. It obviously put the mare behind the counter at ease, and Chrysalis looked at the initial request form. It asked for an ID number, and had space for twenty digits. “Perhaps, you could fill out this form as well? I have had a trying day, and the important thing is simply that it is filled out, isn't it?”
- - - On the streets of Canterlot - - -
Drone 3534 peered out of the ally way he had changed in, looking to see if any of the ponies on the streets had noticed the flash of green light. Nopony was panicking, so he was fairly certain that he had managed to escape notice. As it was, he was still surprised he wasn't seeing posters with a changeling's face plastered over them covering the city, but he wasn't going to complain – not when things were working in his favor at least.
He stepped out into the light, an average earth pony covered in a mixture of uninteresting browns and grays, and with one of the most uninteresting flank-marks he could imagine: a rock. He looked slightly elderly, all the better to gain sympathy from ponies if he needed food, but nopony would ever remember him for more than a passing few minutes with a form like his. It was perfect.
The sewers of Canterlot had turned out to be a perfect safe haven for the majority of the hive, allowing changelings to slowly work their way out into the streets as random ponies without drawing excess attention to themselves with numbers. Soon, the entire invasion force would be milling through the city as random citizens, looking for ponies they could make use of to find supplies, better housing, and most importantly, love.
Once they had gained a foothold on survival, they could work on finding ways to aid their queen. Her only orders so far had been simply to hide and survive, but changelings weren't the type to rest on their flanks when their queen was in danger. First though, came that pesky survival bit. Finding ponies who could be easily replaced, and who would be able to net them a large amount of love was a rather tall order; it wasn't as though a huge amount of love would just fall into his hooves–
What? 3534 suddenly felt an enormous aura of near unconditional love, simply wafting down to him from one of the buildings nearby. It was almost intoxicating, such was the strength of the love behind it. He found himself walking up to the door of the building almost in a daze, and was amazed to find it unlocked.
Well why wouldn't it be unlocked? he reasoned. Somepony capable of such unconditional love wouldn't ever even think of other ponies as potentially being dangerous.
Confident in his disguise's ability to hold up, he followed the trail of love in the air, passing through some oddly empty rooms. Whoever lived here must live alone, he reasoned to himself. Down a set of stairs, he reached a warm and inviting room, the door standing open for him. He happily walked in, and was treated to the view of a pair of mares, one purple and one pink – a pair of unicorns... although one of them had wings too...
The door slammed shut behind him, and the aura of love dimmed down to a small trickle, allowing 3534 to recover from his stupor. He didn't even have time to shout before bindings of magenta magic wrapped around him, forcing him onto the ground before the two, surrounded by three guards. A blast of magic stripped him of his disguise, and he whimpered in fear.
The smaller purple mare stepped forward and, crouching low in front of the changeling, whispered into his ear. “Hello. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I'm here to help you. All you have to do, is answer some questions for me.”
- - - Canterlot Castle - - -
Once Chrysalis had gotten into the archives, she had relentlessly hunted down all of Twilight's reports and research papers that were stored inside, along with any books that mentioned the Elements. Apparently, they were the Elements of Harmony rather than Harming me, yet after reading the description of what they were supposed to be capable of, she preferred her own naming convention.
Twilight Sparkle apparently had access to a set of artifacts capable of banishing immortal alicorns to the celestial bodies they controlled, turning the lord of chaos to unchanging stone, and other similar things. It was not a particularly pleasant thought.
Luckily the elements could only be wielded by chosen bearers who were exemplars of some virtue. After spending so much time with politicians, there was simply no way that Twilight could wield Honesty herself – now while being successful at least. So the other mares who had been with her at the wedding must have been the bearers for the virtues, while Twilight just had the sixth piece that let her control how the Elements were used.
It should be child's play for Chrysalis to have some of her minions find out when the other bearers would be leaving, or for her to have some 'emergency' be reported from their homes, and then she'd only have to worry about all of Twilight's other toys. Toys like magic disrupting field generators, weapon crystals that could be charged with powerful offensive magic, and all sorts of other disgustingly useful looking things.
She tossed the reports to one side, allowing them to come to rest on the floor next to Luna's bed. She'd already had her Celestia identity retire to her bed for the night, and had moved herself to Luna's room, switching forms after she was inside. It was nearing midnight already, and she had studied up on Twilight's assets enough for now – she had her plan.
First, she would need to get some of her changelings into the castle, assuming none of them had taken the initiative to infiltrate already. Once she had minions she could trust again, she would have the freedom to move around some more to set things up, and she could ensure that she had up-to-date intelligence on her enemies' movements. She would ensure that Twilight's vicious little friends had left the city, and then she would see about the part of her plan least likely to go right for her: Speaking with Discord.
Surely there would be someway she could find a compromise with him, if only to provide him some sick amusement. Even if she couldn't kill or maim Twilight Sparkle, perhaps if her family was held hostage? If Twilight's mental wards could be brought down and kept down, Chrysalis could simply... tweak the unicorn's loyalties in her own favor, such that she would actually have a competent adviser to help rule the country. Assuming that she actually was competent, that was.
However she might wind up dealing with that, the last part was to find a way to properly deal with Celestia and Nightmare Moon. Given time to use Celestia and Luna's forms to gather love from the population, Chrysalis could probably ensure that she was a match for either of them. Fighting both at once could be difficult, but if enough of her changelings posed as one of them, so as to ensure that the other could not keep track of the first, Chrysalis could turn it into a one on one fight. And given the egos of the Princesses, she might even convince the remaining princess that the victor (who would be herself, of course) was her real sister.
The plan wasn't quite perfect, and it had no less than three places it could go horribly wrong if she underestimated her foes again, or if luck was simply against her, but as long as her enemies underestimated her, she would have a chance. And for the sake of her subjects, she would have the country ready for feeding off of within the week.
With her course of action decided, Chrysalis sent out a new mental command to her changelings, ordering for a group of her elites to infiltrate the castle and find a way to meet up with her. That done, all there was left to do for a while would be to wait. She wouldn't be able to find out what was happening with her subjects until some of them could reach her to relay messages, and she needed the love she could gain from posing as the princesses regardless. For the moment, that meant holding court, and fulfilling her royal duties as expected, even if it meant putting up with Twilight Sparkle.
Giving a last shudder at the prospect, she began making her way towards the throne room.
- - -
Twilight Sparkle was never late. It was one of those simple facts of life that everypony among the Canterlot elite had accepted, and which nopony questioned. In fact, she was nearly always the first pony to arrive for anything with a deadline, showing up ten minutes early at the latest. The only way for Twilight Sparkle to be late would probably be for some horrible end of the world level disaster to hold her up, and even then, she might just teleport past it to be on time.
Thus it was that, when Luna's Night Court began with Twilight Sparkle breathing heavily as she barely managed to get seated seconds before the clock struck midnight, more than a few ponies were fidgeting nervously. Twilight immediately levitated a small stack of papers up to Princess Luna, and appeared to begin calming down, so whatever had held her up had probably not been too horrible. Then, Princess Luna pulled out her own completed stack of paperwork, and started going over some points with Twilight.
Many ponies in the room suddenly started to worry for the possible upcoming end of the world, for a second natural law of Canterlot Government had been violated. Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle had both done the same paperwork. Princess Luna never did paperwork which she could avoid, stooping to personally filling out documents only when it pertained to something of critical personal importance to herself. She would read over other ponies' work and make sure nothing unwanted was slipped by her, but she did not actually do extra work, and she and Twilight Sparkle were very good at keeping track of who was doing what.
The nobles and bureaucrats gave one-another looks of worry and fear, silently pressing each other to find a way to set their worries to rest. Bleeding Turnip, a white coated earth-pony whose family had sacrificed much to put him through law school, met the eyes of Red Tape. He silently reminded the lower level bureaucrat that the ERS still had evidence of matters the Pegasus would rather not have brought up. Red Tape then flicked his wing subtly to get the attention of Prince Blueblood, who owed Red Tape a favor for rushing some of his requests through the system with much haste. Prince Blueblood acknowledged the calling in of the favor, and promptly glared at Big Roller, owner of a casino which Blueblood was the primary investor in.
A guard stepped forward from the dais on which the thrones sat, and loudly announced, “Night Court is now in session. All hail Princess Luna, ruler of the night. May the first order of business be brought forward.” The guard stood aside at the base of the dais, and Big Roller stepped forward. None of the other ponies moved forward, leaving him to stand alone before the throne.
Chrysalis, formerly confident in her perfect portrayal of Princess Luna leaned over to speak quietly to Twilight Sparkle as the other unicorn approached. “Sparkle, everypony in the room is terrified for some reason, and I caught more than a few rapid emotional fluctuations while we were looking over your notes. What's going on? I haven't even said anything to them yet and something's wrong!”
Twilight whispered in response, “High Roller is one of the least important ponies here, so the others sent him up to ask something they don't want to. They're probably worried because we both just broke long standing habits within seconds of each other. Come up with something off the agenda that was unusually wordy that you 'wanted a second opinion on'. I'll handle the other part.”
The diarch and her close adviser resumed their ordinary postures as High Roller stood from his low bow. “Your majesty,” he began, hesitating slightly, “is there anything of which we should be made aware? I would hardly question your majesty in any way, but you appeared abnormally worried, and it is our duty to offer our aid if anything is weighing heavily on your mind.”
Such a wordy and roundabout way to ask 'should we be worried about something'. Chrysalis flipped through her stack of papers to pull out a single request which took up nearly a tenth of the stack size on its own. She waved the request in front of her. “When I was going through these requests to prepare for tonight's business, this particular request stood out to me as unnecessary dense in its wording. I requested my adviser to look over it as well to ensure that I had not missed any important details before I decided my stance on it.”
Twilight nodded along with Chrysalis. “Unfortunately, the Princess's request didn't reach me until just recently, so my schedule was thrown off slightly. This is what she gets for asking Discord to pass a message on for her.”
The moment Discord's name came up, all of the assembled ponies breathed a sigh of relief. Nothing wrong with the world, just an obnoxious prank. Within seconds, the bureaucrats and nobles were back to preparing their cases for various claims, requests and complaints for the night. Requests and complaints that took hours to go through.
By the time the last of the 'important' ponies were through with their business, the night court was nearly over, and Chrysalis hadn't gotten even a taste of edible love out of the ordeal. She slouched slightly in her throne as the Blueblood finally left the room, and reflected that Luna's description of the bureaucrats and nobles had been disturbingly spot on. Finally though, she could get to some of the common ponies who would love and adore their princesses. Finally, she could bask in the attention of...
…More than a few disturbed individuals. Apparently Luna's main dealings with the common ponies were with the ones who kept unusual hours to fit unusual lifestyles. There were the artists who wanted to request permission to make a royal portrait that was far more risque than those of Celestia, and poets who were overflowing with lust enough to completely knock out their higher brain functions. There was a DJ wanting the laws on noise pollution either repealed or given loopholes, and entirely too many teenagers wanting her blessings to help them find love (or at least a one night stand).
Compared to the dryness of the earlier 'business' part of her court, it was a buffet. Some of the requests were simply silly, but the fact that their princess didn't laugh at them or dismiss them out of hoof caused love to just roll off of the petitioners. Chrysalis had trouble not laughing out loud as she agreed to try to get approval for some of the most outlandish requests she had ever heard, knowing that they would never get through, but that they would cause the nobles to sputter and gasp in revulsion.
Entirely too soon, the guards declared that Night Court was over, and sent the line of petitioners back home to try again later. Two guards escorted Twilight and Chrysalis back to a private room where a meal was waiting for them, and then promptly left the two of them alone.
Chrysalis maintained her dignified and regal demeanor until the guards closed the doors. Then the dam burst, and she collapsed into her chair in laughter, slipping out of her disguise in her mirth. “Oh my,” she gasped out, “do all the ponies who come at night time have such... interesting concerns?”
Twilight levitated a cup of tea to her lips and took a sip, rubbing her chin in apparent thought. “Maybe not all of them” she offered, “but most of the ponies with serious disputes and legal concerns come during the day, simply because it's when they're awake. Also, Luna has managed to cultivate an image of being the more wild sister. Princess Celestia might be a perfect and unapproachable marble statue to most ponies, but Luna goes out with Discord and a group of ponies to pull pranks on Nightmare Night. So, she gets the ponies who don't feel comfortable asking Celestia about their problems.”
Chrysalis marshaled her control and forced her chuckles to subside as she stood. “And they love her for listening to them,” she nearly purred. It wasn't enough to compare to the love she had gotten from Shining Armor along with all of Cadenza's admirers, but then she hadn't had more than an hour to meet the ponies she could feed on as Luna. It had still been enough to make her almost tipsy. And Celestia and Luna had parades that she could use to feed from thousands at once! Just the thought sent a shiver through her.
Twilight refilled her cup of tea, ignoring the rest of the meal for the moment in favor of more caffeine. “We'll both have a good bit of work tomorrow too,” she noted. “Celestia's duties start around six in the morning, and I can't handle all of her and Luna's paperwork for the day.” She paused to nibble at a salad, and to refill her tea cup again. “I'm just glad that you apparently already know your way around legalese and organization. Taking care of the country with Discord was an utter nightmare half the time.”
Chrysalis waved a hoof lazily as she levitated a small chocolate pastry up to her face. “Please,” she scoffed, “I'm a queen in more than simply title you know. There is, admittedly, far less paperwork involved in ruling my changelings, if only because we prefer not to leave a paper trail... but that necessitates more rigid and careful organization.” She paused to wipe the remains of chocolate from her chin, and looked back to Twilight. “It also helps that changelings would never try to get away with passing something beneath their queen's nose to improve their position. I'd have assigned half of the nobles to working on farms for a week as punishment for their blatant disrespect to my rule today, were I not trying to maintain my disguise.”
Twilight upended the teapot over her empty cup. Naught but a drop was left. Seeing that she wasn't getting any more caffeine in liquid form, she glanced over to the plate of chocolates she had seen earlier. There wasn't even a crumb left of the chocolates. A quick look at Chrysalis's mouth confirmed the fate of all of the different varieties of chocolate confections. With a suppressed sigh, Twilight stood up from the table. “I'll send you a checklist of your duties as Celestia in an hour or two. In the mean time, 'Luna' needs to go meet with the dedications committee, and then go bug the ERS about one of their laws that they keep delaying the rescinding of. The bureaucracy was so much easier to handle while they were all afraid Nightmare Moon was going to eat them if they didn't jump to do her bidding. I'll see you at noon in Day Court.”
With that, Twilight marched out of the room, shutting the door behind her, and leaving Chrysalis apparently alone. She shifted back into Luna's form to leave as well, slowly meandering to 'her' bed chambers.
As she shut the doors behind her, she nodded to the two night guards who were waiting inside. Both of them vanished into a burst of green fire, revealing a pair of her elite changeling infiltrators. Chrysalis grinned more fully than she had since the moment before her plans had all collapsed around her head. It was time to start round two.
--- The Streets of Canterlot ---
Crowds of ponies waited outside of the concert hall, shoving one-another to ensure that they could be the closest to the doors for when Sapphire Shores stepped out. Her concert had been sold out, but the hordes of ponies weren't leaving until they had their chance to see their idol, to make sure she could see their signs proclaiming desire to marry her, and to make her realize that they were the one fan who wasn't just another pony in the crowd. Never-mind their current location as a single pony in a large crowd of ponies holding similar signs and shouting similar phrases.
The last few times Sapphire Shores had finished a concert, she had been kept from her adoring fans by her greedy manager and body guards, but this time, the fans were prepared! All exits were watched by equally large groups – even the rooftop exit. All of the fancy carriages which might be reserved for Sapphire Shores were watched intently as well, and guarded to insure that she could not be whisked away without being allowed to sign autographs aplenty (which could sell for several hundred bits to certain ponies).
Yes, they were ready for any trick that the security ponies could pull this night, but even so, they expected a hard fought battle to free their brilliant star from her guards. What they didn't expect, was for Sapphire Shores to walk out the front door, still wearing her bejeweled dress from the last number of the show, flanked by two security ponies and a unicorn levitating a small table filled with papers and pens, and with a sign that read “Autographs” on it. The sheer unexpectedness of it slowed their reactions just enough for the unicorn guards to place a barrier spell up to prevent the singer from being swarmed by her fans.
Within moments, word had spread to each of the other exits, and the crowds all converged at the front of the building, eager to get their turn to speak with Sapphire Shores herself, and to have her sign whatever they might desire (within limits enforced by common decency laws).
As the crowds vanished from the back of the building, a plain dressed older mare walked out from the back door, a towering hat over her head. Nopony paid attention to her as she was helped to a small carriage by her burly looking son.
As the carriage rolled away, Sapphire Shores took off her hat and started washing off her make up. The bodyguard closed the blinds over the windows, and nodded in the general direction of the mob. “Still can't believe that they finally found you a double that good,” he muttered.
The mare shrugged as she sprayed some perfume on herself. “I'm more amazed that she was willing to subject herself to such a crowd. Imagine how they'd tear her apart if they found out she wasn't me, after all.”
Both of the ponies shuddered, and agreed 'better her than them'.
--- One hour and one magical teleport-evac later ---
3534 sprawled over onto the couch cushion next to 1386, 3717 and 7231. Even with four changelings to divide the love between, he was barely able to keep himself awake after such a gorging. 1386 was the most skilled at impersonating mares, and had taken the brunt of the wave of emotions, channeling the power between the other three changelings to avoid any one of them being overwhelmed. Even so, the others were already collapsed in contented fullness, only moments after the unicorn had taken them from the crowd.
3534 himself could feel the emotion fueled high making him giddy, but he marshaled his will power against the desires to laugh, sing, and sleep the sleep of the utterly content. Instead he looked over at the purple unicorn who had become their simultaneous benefactor, employer and captor.
This was the fourth time he had been in her presence, though the first two times, she had also been with the pink alicorn whom the Queen had formerly replaced. When he had first been caught, he had been expecting torture of some sort, forcing him to divulge the hiding places of his fellow changelings. Instead, he was promised more love than he would know what to do with if he simply explained basic things about his species.
What types of emotions can you feed on? Elaborate. What are the side effects to ponies? Elaborate. Can changelings share their food with each other? Elaborate. What determines how much power and nourishment you get from love? How often do you need to feed? Elaborate. How does your shape-shifting actually work? Elaborate, elaborate, E-bucking-laborate.
He had quickly become tired of that one oft-repeated word, but what else could he do but obey? The Pink alicorn's magic allowed her to command him almost as though she were the queen, and they had caught him and stripped him of his disguise already. More magic on his lips had prevented him from lying, and the information they wanted most was information he couldn't see any way it could be used against them. That had been what had frightened him the most.
They had captured other changelings as well, asking the same basic questions to confirm accuracy apparently, and then had brought them out of their heavily warded cells. 3534 had assumed it was either dissection time, or that they would be offered their lives in exchange for turning traitor. Instead, the ponies had made good on their promise. He and the other three in his group were given forms to assume, and identities to use, and small crystals shoved into their carapaces to prevent them from escaping or contacting other changelings with any sort of telepathic magic they might have.
Then they had been transported to their first job as 'professional body doubles and distractions for the fabulously famous.' They had even been paid by the pony they were replacing to sit there and soak up more love than they had ever imagined getting at once. And now he was in front of the mare again, still clueless as to her actual motives. But not for long.
Just like in the previous three instances he had been before her, her emotions were encased in a tight shell of unfriendly looking magic. Unlike before though, she looked even more exhausted, with bloodshot eyes and a slightly frazzled mane – and most telling of all, minute cracks in her emotional armor. He couldn't slip any kind of mind magic into her through those cracks, even with the enormous amount of power he had gained from the love he had fed on, but he could feel her emotions.
So he had requested that he be allowed to talk to her, and that he get to have a question or two answered after his cooperation. The unicorn had agreed.
3534 took a deep breath to calm himself, before asking the only question he could think of to start with. “Why?” he asked.
Twilight blinked at him in brief confusion as she sipped on her coffee. “Why what? Elaborate.”
3534 nearly flinched at the dreaded word, before he practically lost all of his control and started shouting. “Why are you being so weird? Why foalnap us, and then interrogate us with kindness, and then be nice to us? Why did you want to know things about us that had nothing to do with how you could fight us? Why did you keep your promise and help us if you aren't on our side, and why would you keep us out of contact with our brethren and Queen if you are?!”
By the end of his outburst, the changeling found himself feeling a peculiar mix of anticipation and trepidation. Twilight simply sipped her coffee and nodded. “That's a lot of questions,” she observed.
3534 glared at her, and Twilight giggled. “Fine,” she said, “I'll try to answer the best I can, though I need to be somewhere in about six hours, and I have at least three hours worth of work to do between now and then, and I still need to get some sleep. I'll have to keep this brief.”
She drained her cup of coffee to the dregs, and set her cup to one side with her magic. “So,” she started “I guess the big question behind all the little ones is what I want with you. Fair enough; I can answer that best with a history lesson that segues into the answer quite nicely.
“You see, before Equestria was founded, the idea of pegasi and unicorns and earth-ponies all living together and working in harmony? It was considered silly at best, and proof that you weren't loyal to your own tribe at worst. Pegasi in particular had a rather military culture due to their preference of living above ground, where it's rather hard to grow anything. The tribes fought over territory, food, simple disagreements, misunderstandings, and other things that modern Equestria would call terrible reasons to kill another pony.
“Equestria was founded on the idea of Harmony, after a group of ponies from all three tribes were forced to work together, and found that they weren't so different where it mattered, and that the differences they did have could be used to their advantages. We have since accepted Cows, Minotaurs, Zebras, and even Griffons as legal citizens of Equestria. Each of them have contributed new and interesting talents, services and ideas.”
Twilight leveled her gaze on the changeling. “You can probably guess where I'm going with this. I have personally undone the damage of a misunderstanding which led to one of our rulers going temporarily insane and being banished to the moon for a thousand years. I then found a way to help Equestria's oldest boogeyman, the spirit of chaos himself, to become a respected and contributing member of society. I don't believe that there are many intelligent creatures out there who couldn't find a mutual benefit from being integrated into society, and you changelings are almost too perfect an example. You feed off of other creatures' affection and approval of you, for Luna's sake! If I can't find a way to assimilate all of you into Equestria, I've lost my touch.” 3534 looked unblinking at the unicorn as she finished her tirade. He rolled the emotions she had been leaking over his metaphorical tongue, and couldn't find a hint of disgust, dishonesty, hatred, or malice in it. “Oh,” he finally said. Feeling that he should probably say something else, he asked “...So, what's next then?”
Twilight smiled wide enough that 3534 almost thought he would be blinded, and she radiated a sudden eager happiness and approval that was close enough to affection for the changeling to feed off of it, if only a bit. “Alright,” she chirped, “here's the plan...”
--- Celestia's chambers ---
Queen Chrysalis paced back and forth in the room, a small groove starting to wear itself into the floor of the chambers. She had found herself nearly incapable of actually leaving the castle for any length of time in the last three days, due to her expansive list of tasks she had to keep up with to hold both of her disguises at once. As such, she had been forced to entrust more than a few of her more sensitive tasks to her most skilled minions – and while she was confident in their abilities in many things, she wasn't simply asking them to replace a pony or two.
She had sent one of them to try to negotiate with Discord.
Other preparations had been seen to quickly, and with few problems: Twilight Sparkle had not been keeping the closest of eyes on the queen, always rushing around and obviously sleep deprived, likely trying to take care of duties that couldn't be trusted to an unrepentant would-be usurper. That same diligence in keeping her from sensitive information and dangerous decision was working perfectly in Chrysalis's favor.
Her changelings had watched as the Element bearers left on the train, rushing back to Ponyville to check on a small disaster her minions had reported. A number of the frequently on-duty guards had been replaced with her own soldiers, the cocooned ponies stored in the dungeons for safe keeping. All that was left was to find a way to remove Discord from the equation, and she would stand a chance in her takeover.
So of course, her messenger had apparently vanished without a trace and hadn't checked back in after two days.
It wasn't the only case of one of her changelings going missing in the city either, according to the reports her elites had started bringing in. At first it had only been a handful who hadn't been reporting in with contributions of stolen love and valuable intelligence, but now over a hundred were unaccounted for. Either they were falling prey to starvation and ill fortune, or somepony was making them disappear.
Three more elites were sent to meet with Discord, and now she waited for any word from them, but she was honestly worried now. What if the spirit of chaos had decided to move against her on a whim? What if the alicorns had hidden themselves in the city to take out her forces while she tried to stage her coup? Her triumph would fall flat if she lost the very changelings she was trying to save with her plans!
Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity to her, there was a knocking on her door. Chrysalis re-assumed her disguise as Celestia before opening the door, allowing four guards into her room. The four all dropped disguises at once, and collapsed in mutual exhaustion upon the floor. Something had obviously happened, but Chrysalis was simply glad that all of her messengers had indeed made it back.
She waited for the changelings to catch their breaths and stand, despite how taxing any wait was on her nerves at this point. The first elite she had sent stood from the tiled floor, and held forth a scroll covered in purple jam. “I have returned successful from my mission. Discord's terms are on written here.”
Chrysalis didn't wait any longer before snatching the paper in her magic and opening it before her, quickly reading what the spirit of chaos had to say.
-- “Dearest Queen Chrysy, I am all aflutter with galumph that you would be so considerate as to actually try a diplomatic approach with me before attempting any actions which could end up with a one-way ticket to a frosty fate. As such, after much deliberation with your messengers (I made sure to send the three late ones back in time so they could be present for the entire thing), I have decided to allow you 'wiggle room' as some might call it. As you guessed, I am still not immensely endeared to Sun Butt the Mighty, despite having already enjoyed bringing her low in her own game after a sorts. Lulu can, of course, take care of herself (so I suggest not going after her directly – you should see some of the things her magic can do to you!), and I shall not act in any way either for or against you if you choose to try to renovate the current political structure in ways relating to them. My primary condition was always with regards to Twilight Sparkle. I will spell out what I intend for the rules of this little game: 1. You will not cause physical or irreversible mental harm onto my dear Sparks. This includes indirect attacks and killing her friends and family. I'll know. 2. You will not simply hit her over the head from behind and drag her off: You need a good dialogue before any magic is flung around to mind-control and/or temporarily disable her. 3. You actually think before you commit, after listening to Twilight. You've given her long enough that I'm sure she's found some way to win by logic. If not, and you do need to 'deal with her'... 4. ...You send her to me once you're done. She's mine, I saw her first, get your own IPUBFF.
Other than that, you can do whatever you want, unless I decide to changeling my mind. Ha! See what I did there? Changeling my mind, when I'm dealing with changelings! I also love this automagic writing quill!
p.s.: You all smell. p.p.s.: You have no idea how hard it was to write something serious! p.p.p.p.s.: If you do take over, you still have to listen to me if I actually decide to care about something. p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s.: Your messengers are terrible dancers, and don't even know that lime goes great with coconut and singularity flavored fizzy pop. For shame. p.P.p.s.: I love foot notes! I'm not sure why they're called that in Equestria, as nopony has feet, just hooves and the occasional claw or paw! But who cares? Have ALL the foot notes!
With lots of fishes, D.” --
Chrysalis allowed the letter to slip out of her magical grip, as she tried very hard not to connect her hoof to her face for the foreseeable future. She was suddenly very glad she hadn't tried to speak with him herself. Her sanity wouldn't have been likely to have survived direct exposure to him.
Still, he had agreed to stay out of things – maybe – as long as Twilight wasn't hurt in the process. That... could be difficult if she tried to fight back, armed with magical artifacts along with her own magic. Chrysalis would certainly be stronger, and would be able to bring numbers to the fight, but she did not like the idea of underestimating her opponents again, especially as she had only gained her current chance from being underestimated.
Ideally, she could have Twilight distracted elsewhere, or taken in her sleep so she wouldn't interfere. However, Discord had outright disallowed that. She had to have another villain-hero confrontation, complete with monologues and banter apparently, and give Twilight a chance to convince her to give up. As if that would ever happen.
There was no more reason to put things off. She sent one of her guards to call Twilight in for a meeting, and had the others hide themselves in the room. She would listen to the unicorn's undoubtedly convincing argument, promptly tell her why whatever she suggested wouldn't work, have her changelings ambush her and help put her to sleep, and deliver her to Discord's doorstep. Surprisingly, she found herself more than a bit miffed that she wouldn't get to keep one of the few competent, hard working ponies in the government for herself. She had almost started to grow attached despite herself. The unicorn could have made a wonderful changeling.
It was a shame, but what she did, she did for her subjects. Equestria would be hers, and her children would never starve or fear discovery again.
--- ---
As Twilight walked into Celestia's chambers, she noticed a few things. First and foremost, was that the meeting was a trap. She had expected as much, as Chrysalis hadn't actually had her called in to speak with her before about anything. As long as Chrysalis was setting her plan up, she would want Twilight elsewhere so that she could move without observation and restriction. By requesting Twilight's presence directly, she had set off red flags for the unicorn.
Now however, it was fully confirmed by the smell of lime and coconut in the room.
Well then, moment of truth time. Twilight walked in, closed the door, and sat on one of the cushions in the middle of the room, facing the Queen. If things went pear shaped, she could only hope her contingencies would hold, and that Discord hadn't agreed to too much – or gotten bored.
Twilight was wearing a pair of saddlebags Rarity had made for her, and promptly levitated a stack of papers out from one of them. “Well,” she said, “I suppose this is the point where you declare yourself ready to overthrow the princesses as the end to some master plan?”
Chrysalis gave a flawless impression of Celestia's all-knowing and ever patient smile. “It is,” she confirmed. “I assume this is the point where you try to stop me as the end to some master plan?”
Twilight smiled brightly. “Nope,” she said, “as I have no reason to try to stop you from taking over.”
“Well I hope you came prepared th–” Chrysalis paused in mid sentence as Twilight's response registered. “Excuse me?” she asked, blinking in confusion.
“You did finally get around to doing enough research to find out how Discord wound up as the ruler of Equestria for a month, didn't you?” Twilight asked. “It was rather similar to how Nightmare Moon took over without any fighting or arguments. I helped them.”
Chrysalis tilted her head with a look of puzzlement. “Why did you stop me in the first place then?”
Twilight shrugged. “I actually was kind of surprised when your disguise broke. I'd been fully convinced that Cadence was simply an evil and manipulative pony who had been abusing love magic for years, and I wanted to keep her away from my brother. If I had known you were just a shape-shifter who was trying to take over the country to get food for your subjects, I'd have acted a lot differently.”
Twilight gave an embarrassed grin, and Chrysalis sighed, rubbing her forehead with a hoof. “Of all the- I got caught in a trap intended for the pony I was posing as. That is simply unfair,” she lamented softly. Looking back up at Twilight, she asked “What then, if not trying to find a way to stop me from taking over, have you been doing?”
Her face lighting up again, Twilight chirped “Helping!” Seeing the glare from Chrysalis, she decided that she should probably clarify. She gestured to the papers levitating next to her. “These are my latest suggestions to you in my official capacity as your royal adviser regarding the integration of changeling and pony society. Along with that are my reports on preliminary testing results, and all applicable existing laws which I thought might come in handy."
Allowing her curiosity to get the best of her, Chrysalis used her magic to grasp the stack of papers and started to read through a few of them. It wasn't as though she would be in any danger even if it was a distraction, not with her elites watching. So she looked at the pages in front of her. She looked back at the unicorn who was grinning happily in front of her. She looked back, flipping through the papers with an ever growing look of confusion crossed with incredulity and something that couldn't decide if it was horror or awe.
She looked back at Twilight Sparkle, and if the unicorn had suddenly grown a third head, she'd not have looked at her any odder. She opened her mouth, several questions fighting for the right of proclaiming themselves first in her mind. In the end though, “What?” won out by a landslide.
Twilight gazed at her oh-so-innocently. “Yes?” she asked. “What seems to be the problem, your Majesty?”
The damn broke. “You want us to openly immigrate as legal citizens?! Are you out of your mind? When you said integrate, I thought you meant secretly infiltrate in ways that wouldn't cause too much trouble! No sane pony would ever willingly accept us as part of society openly! I tried that once, and it did not work!”
Twilight affected a look of hurt. “What about me? I'm perfectly willing to accept you into society.”
Chrysalis gave her a look which didn't need a single word to convey a sense of 'I did say sane' and 'My point stands'.
Twilight sighed, and conceded the point. “Even so,” she waved a hoof to encompass the nearby windows, “this is Equestria. The country where, in case you've forgotten over the last minute, the chimeric Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony is a legal citizen. A well liked one, even. We obviously aren't all completely sane here.”
A grimace passed over the queen's face at the mention of Discord. She'd only had to deal with him twice now, and she already knew that he would always try to be headache inducing. Still... “You might have a point there,” she conceded. She hadn't tried having her changelings reveal themselves peacefully to a government since the disaster six hundred years ago in Sorrelem, Maressechusetts.
Chrysalis chuckled to herself after a thought. “When I started suspecting you were somehow involved in my disappearing subjects though, I hadn't expected them to be being used to test how effectively they could feed the hive in different 'changeling friendly' professions. You've released them now, I assume?”
Twilight wondered if she could pull a muscle by smiling too hard. If so, she was probably going to have a sore face later. “I haven't been holding them against their will since day two. I just convinced them I was working on their side, and told them this was a surprise for you. I already have one hundred and forty three changelings set up in positions where they can earn enough love combined to sustain most of the current population on their own. That frees up the majority to start looking into lower profile and slower return options of permanent careers.”
Chrysalis shook her head in disbelief. If she's being honest on all of this, if those changelings are actually getting that much love... “Why are you going to this much work to help us though?” she wondered out loud. “You could have just dealt with me when my invasion failed, and had Discord help you round up my army. We didn't come flying a flag of truce and love, so why go to this much work for us?”
“Who knows,” Twilight said. “Maybe I'm just a good pony, or something. Or maybe, I actually see a way that changelings can benefit Equestria if they join us. Think of it as a symbiotic relationship, or a trade; Ponies can provide love to give changelings food and power, while changelings can use their abilities as shape-shifters in a number of positions in pony society.”
Chrysalis looked like she wanted to interrupt for a moment, and Twilight held up a hoof to forestall her comment before continuing. “You can cover for somepony who needs to miss an appointment, and act as body doubles for important politicians and famous singers or actors. Your natural ability for acting would also lend itself incredibly well to theater and movies. Modeling agencies would always have exactly the body type and coloration they needed to make their clothing look its most appealing, and for changelings who could learn to sing, they could use their impressive ability to alter their voice along with their form to become some of the most popular entertainers in Equestria. And all of that isn't even touching on the idea of guards and special agents who can infiltrate any crime ring, or pose as victims for sting operations perfectly.
“Now, given that we are supplying all of that lovely love, what do you think you would want to do to anything that threatened Equestria? I don't believe in such a thing as too much backup, you see. Celestia and Luna can't be everywhere, and neither can I. Discord... probably can't either, and the guard always has trouble responding to everything fast enough. But if random citizens in the area were frequently super-powered warriors with magic and flight capability? Because that's how I'd describe changelings when they're fed well enough. They could leap into action when there are emergencies, save ponies' lives, and get even more love out of it.”
Chrysalis seemed to consider for a moment, before nodding. “And do you have a specific way to help the general population accept us?” she asked.
“Cheesy romance novels,” Twilight replied.
Chrysalis looked askance at her for a moment, and then chose to simply not ask for a change. Instead, she thought for another moment, and asked “Why are you willing to trust us?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You feed on love: Public opinion will control you better than we ever could. If you started trying anything evil, and anypony ever found out, it would damage your ability to acquire free love. Meanwhile, if you willingly accept dealing with royal duties that the princesses don't want to handle, you'll be getting Alicorn love. It's the same reason I could trust you not to mess anything up when performing Celestia and Luna's duties the last several days – Good rulers just get more love than bad ones.”
The idea Twilight had presented was more than a little tempting, as if it worked, there would be far fewer worries about being caught as a changeling in public. However, if ponies didn't accept them, their cover would be blown, and it would be far more difficult to replace one, or both, of the princesses. Her own plan, however, would prevent Twilight's from working later if she failed. Regardless, she had no guarantees that there would be a trap involved...
“I'll follow your plan, Twilight, but only if you are willing to prove your sincerity to me.” Chrysalis leaned down, placing herself nearly nose to nose with the unicorn. “Drop your shields, and let me see your honesty.”
With a shrug, Twilight's horn was surrounded by a glow of magic, and Chrysalis watched as the mental wards that had kept the unicorn's emotions hidden for so long simply opened. Love poured out. Chrysalis could taste respect, friendship, pity, compassion, and... was that tightly concealed lust? The wards sprang back up, and Twilight Sparkle looked her in the eye. “Proof enough that we can accept you?”
Chrysalis nodded, speechless, with her mouth hanging slightly open. She hardly noticed as Twilight took her leave, and her elite changelings came out of hiding, glazed looks on their faces from the strength of love they had just felt. Love aimed at a changeling in her natural form.
Twilight trotted down the hallway, away from her meeting, and looked down into her saddlebag. She took out the antidote for the love potion she had custom ordered from Zecora, and drank it down. She'd have to complain about the strength of the potion next time she visited; she had wanted the potion to provide the feelings of love of a close friend, had even given her relationship with Rainbow Dash as an example to the zebra. Obviously, Cadence wasn't the only pony out there who was reading tabloids to determine how she felt about ponies. Even so, it was worth it for the look on Queen Chrysalis's face.
The princesses would be happy to know that things had gone well, and that their presence in the city hadn't been needed after all. For now, Twilight needed some sleep worse than she had ever thought possible, and then she'd need to start drawing up speeches, decrees and a few outlines for trashy romance novels.
--- Five months later in Ponyville ---
On stage, two star crossed lovers lay dead, both killed by their own hooves in tragic misunderstanding. Their feuding families stood over them, finally realizing their errors only once it was too late to recover that which they had lost, and many a pony in the audience found their eyes moist over the tear-jerking scene.
Only within the last month that traveling troupes had started visiting smaller towns like Ponyville, but they found the trip well worth it when they realized how little competition they had in the rural locations. Few ponies would willing miss out on the shows, with them still being so new a thing to ponies who had never been able to see anything more professional than school plays, and so admission fees didn't need to be high to make fair sized profits.
The idea of setting up in Ponyville seemed rather attractive to the actors, as they heard the stomping of applause while the curtains closed. Then however, the stomping seemed to turn to a rumbling of the very earth!
Somepony looked towards the Everfree, and saw a huge creature smashing its way towards the town, and the ponies panicked. Twilight was in Canterlot, unlike the last time something so huge had lumbered in, and what other pony could possibly drive such a beast off? 'Oh, the horror!' one of them shouted.
One other shout was raised however, coming from the stage. “It's morphing time!” Suddenly, there was a green flash from the stage, and a group of chromatically-color-coded-costumed-protectors-of-justice jumped into action! Yes, the troupe would definitely need to stay for a time.
The day had been going perfectly normally for Twilight Sparkle, which wasn't actually saying much, as she had slept until one in the afternoon, and it was only two. She had gotten up, and decided to skip out on combing her mane, choosing instead to arrive thirty-one minutes early to her daily-weekly-biweekly-monthly-whenever-the-heck meeting with Discord.
Ever since the mess with the changeling... 'Immigration,' Discord had insisted on filling some gaps in her magical education, teaching her the 'wonders and joy of chaos magic.' Apparently, she had a natural aptitude towards chaos magic, just like she did for every other form of magic she had found. The only problem she was having with with Discord's peculiar methods of teaching: She wasn't allowed to be on time, except when it was no longer expected for her to be. Some lessons didn't even touch on magic, and instead involved going off and doing something random. Even so, Twilight had found the prospect of learning a new form of magic rather enjoyable, which contributed greatly to just how annoyed she found herself when a guard came by in the middle of her meeting, interrupting Luna and Discord going over some humorous tales from the ancient past.
Apparently, Celestia had something terribly important to discuss with Twilight, and it simply would not wait. Twilight teleported herself back to her room, combed her hair, and stomped over to see if Celestia needed some extra paperwork filled out right that moment. Instead, she was greeted by an unusually somber and serious Princess Celestia, who began telling her about an ancient empire and its thousand year (that number seemed entirely too common for Twilight's taste) plight.
Twilight listened intently to her old mentor's story and explanations, and found herself recalling just why she had always looked up to Celestia in the past. A few parts of the explanation were... unexpectedly flashy, what with an elaborate three-dimensional model of the city, and an very unexpected example of dark magic, but Twilight soaked up everything that Celestia said.
Finally, Celestia finished her tale. "...And so you must find a way to protect the crystal empire from him. This is your task, and your test, Twilight."
Twilight all but jumped to her hooves, more than ready to do right by Equestria, and to make everypony proud of her. "All right,” she declared, “just let me go dig out the Elements of Harmony from my toy-box, I'll get the girls, and we can finally put those puppies through their paces!" Oh, it would be so exciting, finally getting to use the Elements. Twilight had quite a few theories about how they would work, and-
"-Er... no, Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia interrupted her thoughts. “You must solve this problem without the Elements of Harmony, and though your friends will be there to help you, in the end, it must be you who helps Princess Cadance and Shining armor."
"...Are you feeling all right, Princess?” Twilight asked, a hint of concern creeping into her voice. “I know I've stopped three separate disasters to Equestria with simple planning and logic, but in case you haven't noticed, this guy doesn't look like he'll work with my standard modus operandi. He's an unrepentant tyrant, who enslaved ponies and killed his opposition. I can't just show him how nasty being in charge really is or anything, because for him, it isn't."
Celestia smiled serenely at her. "I have faith in your abilities for this test, my faithful student. Things will become clear in time."
Twilight looked puzzled for a moment before her face split into a relieved grin. "Ah! I've got it, very funny Princess,” she said, shaking her head. “I had almost forgotten that you actually have a good sense of humor sometimes. Now what's the punchline?"
Celestia stood firm and regal, her tone hardening slightly. "This isn't a joke or prank, Twilight. Go." She waved a hoof at the large double doors.
Twilight still wasn't having any of it. "You told me to bring my friends, but you aren't letting me take the Elements of Harmony. You know, the one thing that makes taking them along a good idea? You can't possibly be serious about this,” she reasoned. “Besides, our country is run by two goddesses, is home to the god of chaos, and is now the home of a very protective hive of Changelings. Chrysalis has gotten enough love that she stopped counting how many times more powerful than you she's become! Couldn't we use any of those resources here?"
Annoyance was definitely creeping into Celestia's voice as Twilight continued to argue. Celestia could remember when Twilight would have jumped to do everything in her power to please her! A hint of iron crept into her commanding voice, if only for a moment. "No, Twilight. You must succeed on this task on your own. The changelings, Luna, Discord, and myself must all stay here. With the Elements."
Twilight's voice rose as she felt indignation spur her on. "I brought Luna back from the dark side. I found the Elements of Harmony, the most powerful artifacts in the world, and made friends with all of the other bearers. I convinced Discord to join my side and make the world a better place. I even convinced an invading army to apply for citizenship and become our willing first line of defense. Yet, you're saying that I can't use any of these things, things that now make Equestria the single most powerful nation to ever exist, even in defense of thousands of ponies. Pull my other leg, why don't you."
By the end of her tirade, Twilight was shouting loudly enough to leave her own ears ringing. Celestia stood unmoved. "Twilight Sparkle, this is a royal order. Go save the Crystal ponies. Everything you need, you'll have. Just trust in me." The last four words came out almost as a plea, urging Twilight to just listen to her old mentor.
Twilight glared daggers at Celestia, before snorting, and turning towards the doors in a huff. "...Fine, I'm going. I'll see you when I get back."
---Discord's House of Chaos---
Twilight opened a door, only to find herself on the ceiling of a richly decorated living room. She looked up to see Discord and Princess Luna sitting on a pair of chairs above her. Was she actually the one who was upside down though, or was the room just built upside down... Twilight caught her mind trying to make sense of something related to Discord, and stomped on the impulse. With a flash of magic, she reversed her own gravitational orientation, and teleported herself to a couch across from the other residents of the room.
"Hey, Discord, Luna. How are things going?" she asked with relative aplomb.
Luna was the first to look up from their conversation. "Ah, Twilight Sparkle, how nice of you to join us once more. What did my sister need from you? I should hope it was something important, for her to drag you in off of your normal hours of work."
Discord interrupted, handing a glass of something vaguely nauseating looking to Twilight. "Here you go, one chocolate-pinapple-grape milk shake. On the house, of course."
Twilight accepted the glass with a wry grin. "Thanks, Discord,” she said, before turning back to Luna. “Well, apparently, I won't be able to stop in to visit for a while; I'm being sent off on a suicide mission in the middle of nowhere up in the frozen north."
Both Luna and Discord had unfortunately been taking a sip from their own drinks. The drinks suddenly found themselves violently expelled into the air, and the two managed a perfect harmony in their shouts of "Excuse me?"
Recovering quickly, Discord vanished the spill with a snap of his claws, and looked at Twilight with a raised eyebrow. "Explain, please."
"Well,” she started, “I'm supposed to stop some ancient evil from a thousand years or so ago that Celestia and Luna here sealed away. He's a tyrant who enjoys slavery and forced labor, dark magic, and murdering or enslaving anypony who stands against him. I'm supposed to stop him, without the Elements of Harmony. You know, because rules."
Discord's perfectly calm façade was briefly interrupted by a twitch under his left eye
Luna, having managed to recover from her initial shock, looked thoughtful. "I do recall him, as well as the Empire. The Empire housed many lives, and its magic is powerful. If the empire holds love and happiness, those spread throughout the land. However, the opposite is true as well."
Discord looked up at the ceiling with an incredulous expression. "And she expects you to talk him down?” he asked. “You might be good - heck, you must be a miracle worker if my experiences are anything to go by - but this guy might as well have been designed to be impossible for you to deal with in your usual method.” In a flash, Discord was by Twilight's side, arm over her back, concerned face pressed uncomfortably close. “Is she going with you, or something? Because otherwise, it sounds like she's setting you up for a failure."
Twilight kept an overly wide smile in full force. "Nope. She specifically said that I had to do this alone, and without the Elements. She's currently got Cadence and my Brother holding Sombra off while they wait for me."
Luna looked mildly ill. "I do not think that Cadance and a normal unicorn, skilled or not, will be enough for this. I think the empire had some sort of artifact or relic of their own though. It's just that Sombra hid it away and it was never found."
"Yeah,” Twilight said, dragging the word out for effect. “She's essentially gambling the lives of thousands of ponies, and a magic city, on a test? A test for the unicorn who's already saved Equestria three times, might I add. Did I forget to mention she used black magic to illustrate a point in the throne room?"
The room was quiet for a full minute, Luna trying to reconcile the information with her own knowledge of her sister, and Discord eating a light bulb in contemplation. As he swallowed the glass, and smacked his lips for good measure, Discord adopted a thoughtful look. It was an orphaned look, and he took great pity on it, for he felt that even he could give it a better home than where it had come from. "Wow. If I didn't know any better, I would say that she'd gone evil on us.” Discord promptly disowned his thoughtful look in favor of a wicked grin. He did so love wicked grins, and was thinking about buying his a cone of ice cream later on. “Speaking of which, how long has it been since she was on the receiving end of the Elements? Oh, that's right, she hasn't gotten to taste the rainbow yet. I'm thinking she might need to."
The carefully concealed anger finally broke free of Twilight's control, and she slammed a hoof onto the ground. "I have half a mind to throw Celestia out at this point!” she shouted. “I've done more for the country in the last few years than she typically does in a century, and I'm fairly sure that I could do just as good a job in charge at this point."
A look of terrible dread slipped onto Discord's visage, as he hung upside down from a chandelier he had recently imported from the far away realm of Blueblood's foyer. "Wait!” he cried. “That's exactly what she wants you to do!"
Luna looked up at him. "All right, you lost me. Why would my sister want to be blasted with the elements, probably weakened to the state of a filly, and forcibly removed from power?"
“Think of it this way,” he responded, looking each of the two mares in the eyes – at the same time, of course. “She's been ruling for over a thousand years on her own without a break. Then, suddenly, she gets her work load reduced slightly, and then gets the first real vacation she's had since ever. She's gotten a taste of freedom, and now she wants to foist the reins of power onto Twilight." Seeing the expression on Luna's face, he scowled. “What? It's what I'd do in her hooves.”
Twilight nodded to herself. Discord's idea was completely ludicrous, but she couldn't come up with any sane reasons for Celestia's orders. It was one of the reasons she had come to consult with the ponies who knew Celestia best. If Luna couldn't see some obvious reason why this wasn't all a perfectly reasonable plan for her sister... "That's ridiculous. However, you might be right,” she admitted.
Discord coiled himself around the room, and tapped Twilight on the nose with a claw. "Tell you what. How about I go with you to this Crystal Empire?" he suggested.
Twilight smiled slyly. "I was expressly forbidden from getting help from you,” she mentioned.
"And I should care... why?" Discord asked.
"I was hoping you'd say that,” she replied. With a sudden flash of purple and white lights, the room was left empty, Luna finding herself magically dragged along for the ride.
---Five minutes later---
The doors to Celestia's throne room swung open of their own accord, and the dark king Sombra entered the sacred halls of Canterlot Castle. He seemed oddly grayer than Celestia remembered, and had giant pink hearts instead of eyes, and was merrily swinging a basket of flowers in his mouth, throwing the petals around him as he skipped into the room. He was followed by Twilight Sparkle, who looked entirely too smug. "I'm back, Celestia. Crisis averted. He followed us home, can we keep him?"
Celestia struggled to regain control over her face. What was she even seeing? "What? Alread- What did you do to him?" she demanded.
"Me?” Twilight asked, holding a hoof to her chest with an innocent expression. “Nothing. This was all Discord."
Of course. Celestia hardened her expression, and looked down at her student in disappointment. "Didn't I expressly forbid you from using him for this?" she asked.
Discord popped into existence no more than an inch in front of Celestia's muzzle, forcing her to reel back in reaction. With the largest shit-eating-grin she had ever seen on anypony, Discord waved his hands on either side of him as 'jazz hands'. His infuriating voice seemed to slither out of his mouth and into her ears in the most vile way he could manage, as he shouted "Chaoooooooos!"
His breath also stank something fierce.
Twilight's voice drifted around Discord, chipper and light. "Oh, I told him that I wasn't supposed to get help, but that just encouraged him. It isn't like I could have stopped him or anything; no Elements, after all," she said in mock seriousness.
Discord vanished in a flash of light, reappearing in the center of the room, posed and preening. "Oh yes, and I'd like my stained glass window to show off my good side, as I save an entire empire from their most hated foe."
It was all just too much. The best Celestia could manage for a moment was a collection of garbled words that came out as "But... And... Bwah?" as she found herself struck speechless for the first time in... well since Twilight redeemed Nightmare Moon without the elements, and then argued for Discord to be given a chance on the throne... huh. Twilight was rather good at catching Celestia off guard, it seemed.
Twilight broke her out of her thoughts. "Well, nice talking to you, but Luna's waiting for us to get back to her. I do work for more than one Princess, after all.”
Finally, Celestia managed to find her voice, and called out. "Wait, you're leaving him here? What am I supposed to do with this?" she demanded, pointing a hoof to Sombra, who was now rolling on the floor with his tongue lolling out.
Discord snapped his claws, causing a jester hat to appear on Sombra. "A little something to liven the place up,” he chuckled. “Have fun."
Twilight and Discord started leaving. Celestia slumped into her throne, causing a whoopee-cushion to deflate violently. She grimaced and looked down at Sombra, once the most feared and hated pony in all the land, now chasing his tail as his jester's hat jingled. "...Is he at least house broken still?" she asked.
In unison, as though they had practiced it, Twilight and Discord called back. "Almost!" they shouted joyfully. The doors slammed behind them, leaving Celestia sitting alone in her throne room, save of course for Sombra, who was now sniffing at one of the stone columns and making unintelligible growling noises.
"Well, that didn't go as planned," Celestia muttered, before tossing a 'Vacation Hot Spots' pamphlet to the ground.