When "best friends" Matt and Pat find another cardboard box that sends them into a different universe, they are suddenly thrust into Equestria and must discover a way out without getting themselves killed in the process. Will Matt be more stupid than usual? Will Pat piss off everyone in Equestria? Will their friendship survive unscathed? Will the next episode of TBFT be uploaded in time? Will this gag ever end? Probably not!
Two Best Friends Play crossover with MLP. If you haven't seen these guys before, go watch them. Watch them all. Watch them or I'll eat you.
My very first fic, so constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
As the sun rose over the horizon, there was an unholy, guttural noise that rang through Pat’s apartment. It was a noise that rivaled a sonic boom in terms of ear-shattering volume, a noise that sounded like it had come from the nine circles of hell. It was a noise that would’ve turned everyone in Canada deaf and insane, had it not been contained in Pat’s room. A noise that not even Cthulhu himself could not hope to match, nor attempt to replicate. That noise was Pat’s snoring.
Pat had quite literally fell asleep on the floor, sprawled out in his now-famous (and wrinkled) light green polo and khakis on the carpet, plumb-tuckered out after working on his Rarijack fic for nearly the entire afternoon. Tucked tightly in his arms was his pride and joy: his prized Applejack plushie. He had went to bed gently (perhaps a little insanely) crooning to his felt farmer that his fic was going to be the best there ever was. Now, his toy was going through a bit of defacement as Pat drooled on it while using it as a makeshift pillow. The red-haired man would’ve slept like a baby on the plaything, were it not for an incessant wailing on his door.
“Pat... let me in! Pat!” the voice at the door whined.
“Huh... whazat?” Pat said, waking up from his slumber.
“Pat? It’s me, Matt!”
“Oh, goddamnit.” Pat groaned. The man did not appreciate being woken up at such an early time. "By the pricking of my thumbs, something stupid this way comes." Pat jeered before snapping his fingers. He picked himself up off the ground, Applejack in tow, and went and opened the door. “What is it, you moron?”
Matt stood at the door, clad in a black hoodie, jeans, and his signature Punisher skull-cap. With him was a nondescript cardboard box, about the size of the one from Metal Gear. “Hey, Pat. Nice doll.” he said with a smile as he strode into Pat’s apartment.
“For God’s sake, man, it’s a plushie.” Pat annoyedly replied as he closed the door behind Matt.
“So what, man? It’s not like it matters.”
“Of course it matters, you idiot!”
“What? How?”
“A doll is one of those stupid, sexist toys that little girls play with, like a Barbie. A plushie, on the other hand, is a handcrafted labor of love towards whatever the person who made it likes.”
“Whatever, man.” Matt replied as he looked at Pat’s computer area in mixed parts disgust and horror. “Damn, dude. You seriously need to clean that place up.”
“I know, I know.” Pat sighed. “So why the hell are you here?”
“I was hoping you’d ask me that.” Matt placed the box on Pat’s table and pointed at it. “You see this?”
“What, a big-ass cardboard box? Are we gonna roleplay Boss and Eva in the jungle?” Pat said with a chuckle.
Matt sighed. “No, I did that with my ex-girlfriend already. I was hoping to show you the other side of this thing.” He turned it around, revealing four big, black, underlined letters:
PONY.
Pat’s laughter ceased almost immediately. “Oh my God, man!” He clamored at the box like it was a mound of gold. He turned his head to Matt. “Where’d you find this, man?”
Matt shrugged. “Some guy gave it to me last night while I was out.”
“What do you think’s in here?” Pat said, eagerly grinning at the box. “I hope it’s not clop, or anything weird like that.” Pat stared at the box for what felt like forever, wondering at what could be in there. What if it was one of those cool vinyl collectibles that Hot Topic had put out? What if it was a WhiteDiamonds or John Joseco depository? What if it was a Derpy plushie? The possibilities flashed endlessly through his mind. It was only when Matt broke him out of his luxurious trance that he decided to open the box. Pat nearly tore the top of the box off, giving way to...
Absolute blackness.
“What the hell?” Pat said dejectedly. “There’s nothing in here!”
“What?” Matt asked skeptically. “Let me see.” He stuck his head in the box, only for him to see the same void that Pat was seeing. “Huh,” he conceded. “There really is nothing.”
Then, Pat, disappointment welling in his head, noticed a tiny twinkle of light at the bottom of the box. “Hey, what’s that?”
“What’s what?” Matt replied.
“That thing.” Pat pointed at the light.
“Oh. I dunno. Can you reach it?” Matt asked.
“I’ll try.” Pat outstretched his arm, trying to grasp the small point of light. He strained his arm bent down until his legs hung in the air.
Then, without any sort of warning whatsoever, Pat fell down the box. Matt watched in horror as his friend plummeted towards the sliver of light at the bottom.
“PAT!” the skull-capped man cried. Suddenly, he felt a rush of adrenaline consume him. Determined to save his best friend, Matt impulsively flung himself into the box, plunging into the black abyss below.
---
Ponyville, 7:45 AM
THWACK
“Ow!” Spike cried. He was in the middle of enjoying a dream involving ice cream, Rarity, and diamonds, when a thick book had the gall to hit him in the head, waking him up from that blissful fantasy. His mood now ruined, he picked up the offending piece of literature and chucked it across the library, where it made a SMACK noise against the wall, along with a small crack that stood out against the pristine library. The dragon winced, wondering how he would explain this to Twilight, when he realized: Where was Twilight? He then noticed a note on the door, undoubtedly left for him by his sister. Spike walked up to the door, picked up the note, and read it, confirming his suspicions.
“Dear Spike,
You may be wondering where I am this morning. I have decided to break my usual routine of meticulously planning the day in favor of taking an early morning walk to clear my head. Fear not, though. I did make you breakfast before I left the house. Hopefully you don’t burn down the house while I’m gone.
Love, Twilight”
Spike set the note down, shrugged, and went to eat the breakfast Twilight made, noting how out of character Twilight not planning something first thing in the morning seemed.
Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was cheerfully trotting through the Ponyville Marketplace. This change of pace was doing wonders for her mind. Ponyville mornings were always so peaceful; the idle chatter, the sun gently rising in the distance, the mild breeze, the terrified screaming, the-
Wait.
Twilight froze. Terrified screaming wasn’t supposed to be part of a peaceful morning. At least, in the books that she had read about mornings. Shivering, she turned her head up, along with the dozens of others in the market. She spotted two figures in the sky falling towards the ground, yelling their heads off, preparing to come face to face with a horrifying demise.
“Somepony do something!” Twilight shouted. It was all she could do to help out in this situation. Twilight wanted to look away, but she still continued to watch, her eyes glued to those two poor ponies.
“Oh my gosh, sis, we need to do something!” Twilight turned her head to see Flitter and Cloudchaser, the sisterly pegasi tag-team, race up into the sky towards those ponies. All Twilight could do was hope they could get to them in time.
The wind howled in Matt's ears as he tumbled through the air alongside Pat. Everything was a jarring blur as the two plummeted towards the ground beneath them. As the ground came closer and closer, they found out that what people had said about dying moments was true: you really do see your life flash in front of your eyes. While Pat's short life whizzed by in his view, Matt's mind stubbornly clung onto a lone memory. A special memory. A memory that gave him solace in his last few seconds and displayed a moment in time that would shape his view on the world forever.
The time when Matt's life was saved by Captain America.
---
Twenty Years Earlier
The Canadian Museum of History was, as always, spotless. It was also, like any self-respecting museum, populated with bored children dragged there by their parents and schoolkids taken there by their teachers on field trips. Among those two groups, young Matt was among the latter.
"Oh, come on, Miss Tuwilliger, when are we going to leave this place?" he whined to his teacher as his class observed a trio of mannequins dressed up as Mounties on horseback. "This is so boring!"
Miss Tuwilliger wagged a disapproving finger at Matt. "Now, now, Matt," she said. "Just because you want something to happen doesn't mean fate is going to bend over backwards to make it so. You aren't going to always get what you want."
Matt crossed his arms and pouted, "Hmph. Fine."
"That's better." Miss Tuwilliger turned to the placard that stood in front of the exhibit and read aloud to the class. "The Royal Canadian Mounted Police is both a federal and national police force of Canada, and one of the most recognizable in the world." She wheeled around on her heels to face the class. "Can anyone tell me what the nickname for these men is? Anyone?"
She never got an answer. The diorama behind her exploded in a shower of metal, fabric, and fiberglass. Matt was thrown backwards into the air into a wall. When he got up, most of his class was lost in the rubble, and sinister, German-sounding cackling could be heard from the hole punched in the museum.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The German then sighed. "Oh, blowing up a bunch of schoolchildren on a field trip. What bliss." A figure then stepped into the newly-made passageway. He was wearing a black, leather Nazi uniform, and his skin was a nasty red that contoured to his skull like paint. Adorned on his face was a maniacal grin. He was one of the greatest threats to humanity the world has ever seen.
"RED SKULL!?!" Matt cried.
"Yes, it is me, in all my glory." Skull took a bow to a nonexistent audience.
"Wha-wha-what are you doing here?" Matt stammered.
Skull chuckled, then said, "You see, my boy, my hatred is not limited to just America. Far from it, in fact. My flaming, burning, scalding hatred for the state the world is in is what drives me to cleanse it through my reign. Only under my leadership will the world become a perfect place to live."
"You're insane!" Matt screamed.
"And you're cliche."
"Says the man who wants to take over the world!"
"Never mind that, boy. To take over the world, one needs a little... assistance from time to time." Skull ominously gestured outside. "Behold."
A tentacled silhouette strode inauspiciously to the hole in the wall, accompanied by nebulous mechanical whirs and hums. The thing stepped into the building, towering over both Matt and Skull. The machine consisted of a thick, disc-like pod, from which a quartet of legs emerged, along with a pair of metal tentacles. The worst part, however, was the bifurcated robotic head that sat inside the pod. On one side, a serious-looking man with a thin, square mustache and flat, black hair. The other, a hardened, dominant man with slicked-back hair and a huge mustache. Both had glowing red eyes.
"Behold...MECHA ADOLF STALIN!" Skull howled skyward. "THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT!"
"MASTER. WHAT IS YOUR COMMAND?" Mecha Adolf Stalin queried.
Skull turned his head slowly towards Matt, then pointed at him. "...kill the boy."
"YES, MASTER." The robot's tentacles swooped Matt up. The boy squirmed and writhed against the arms in vain. Mecha Adolf Stalin's piercing crimson eyes bored into his soul. Matt, seeing no reason to resist, stopped his jerking about and closed his eyes, praying he wouldn't see it coming.
A shredding sound made its presence known before any of that could happen. Matt fell to the ground with segments of the machine's tentacles following suit. He saw a shield ricochet back to a man behind him. He turned around to see a buff man clad in a blue and red jumpsuit with a white star on his chest and the letter "A" on his forehead.
"CAPTAIN AMERICA! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'LL WIN TODAY!?"
"The day I let you kill a child is the day I let America down." the star-spangled man replied. Cap looked at the boy. "Fear not, my friend from up north! I am here!" He raced towards Matt and put a caring hand on his shoulder. "You alright, son?"
"Uhh... yeah, I think so."
"Good. Now, get out of here. I can't have you in the line of fire, especially with Red Skull here."
"What? I want to help!"
"You'll help me out a lot if you get out of here."
"Fine..." Matt grumbled.
"YOU FOOLS!" Skull interjected. YOU CANNOT STOP THE GREATNESS THAT IS THE RED SKULL! NO ONE CAN!"
Cap shook his head. "He's such a ham. Now go, son. Go!" Matt pushed himself on his feet and ran. Cap faced the robot and Skull. "You built a robot in memoriam of two of the worst men to ever walk the earth? You sicken me, Skull." Cap bashed his fist against his shield. "Come on, let's go!"
Skull cackled evilly. "It's your funeral, Captain." He pointed at Cap. "Kill the American." Mecha Adolf Stalin walked forward, towards Cap, its tentacles repairing themselves as it did.
Cap frowned. "Great. That's all I need," he said, his sentence bathing in sarcasm. A tentacle lashed out at him with incredible speed. Dodging that, he stomped on it and cut it with his shield. Another whipped at him, and again Cap dodged it. He tossed his shield at the machine's legs, severing all four of them. The pod holding the head fell down like a stone. Yet another tentacle tried to strike him, and again Cap expertly weaved his way out of the metal arm. When Cap wasn't looking, however, a limb bashed into his back, sending him reeling and his shield into the rubble.
Skull marched forward. "Well, well, well. Where's your help now, Captain?" Skull laughed. "There's no way out of this one, is there?"
"Yeah, there is." a voice said. A rock conked against Skull's forehead. Cap looked behind him. Standing there was Matt, a serious look adorned on his face. Cap picked up his shield, winked at Matt, and then threw his shield at the head, severing it clean in half.
Skull threw himself on the ground with an outstretched hand, hysterically screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Cap smirked and looked at Matt. "Like I said, ham." He then got down on one knee, to Matt's level, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, son. For helping me back there."
Matt smiled. "No problem, Captain America."
Cap smiled back. "Now, listen, son," he began, "no matter where you are, where you're from, how old you are, or what you believe, always know that you can count..." He paused before shooting his shield hand up, then saying, "...in AMERICA!" Matt widely grinned, then imitated him. It was at this moment where he found out where his allegiance really lied.
---
The flashback caused tears to well up in Matt's eyes and fly into the air. Like he did over two decades ago, he closed his eyes, tears streaming out of them, and hoped to God he didn't see it coming.
The impact never came. Matt opened his eyes to see a winged, light purple, pony with a bow in its hair carrying him to the ground. He looked over at Pat to see him getting hoisted by another light purple pegasus. Pat was smiling.
Matt felt he needed to say something. "Are you an angel?"
The smile on Pat's face faded instantaneously. "If you reference Episode One again, I swear to God I will tear you limb from limb and rip your fucking lungs out."
The two pegasi gasped as Matt replied, "Love you too."
Chapter Three: Invisibility And Unwavering Patriotism
"Yeah, and why are you so vulgar?" inquired Cloudchaser.
Pat snapped out of his fury-induced trance born of Matt's Star Wars: Episode One quote and looked over his shoulder. "Huh? What was that?"
"We just asked you two what you are." said Flitter.
"And why you swear so much." said her sister.
"Well, the swearing part is our thing," answered Matt. "It's what we do."
"As for what we are," said Pat, "we're... well, you'll find out soon enough."
Flitter frowned. "Thanks for the answers, geniuses."
"Ah, shut up, Flitter." Pat groaned. This made the two sisters pause in midair.
"Wh-what was that?" asked Flitter.
"How do you know my sister's name?" demanded Cloudchaser.
"Like I said before, you'll know soon enough." reassured Pat.
Flitter flashed Cloudchaser a look that read, How does he know me!?!. Cloudchaser shrugged and stared back, Maybe we'll find out. As the sisters lowered the friends down to the ground, the crowd of ponies at the marketplace gasped.
"Oh, come on, we're not that ugly!" Matt whined. "Well, Pat is."
"You asshat." Pat shot back. The two were dropped to the ground by the siblings, who then nervously floated down into the crowd. The multitude of unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies started to whisper amongst themselves.
"What are they?"
"Am I dreaming?"
"Can they hear us?"
"I say we execute them!"
"I heard that, asshole." Pat annoyedly stated. The entire crowd shut their mouths.
"Nice job introducing ourselves, Pat." Matt sarcastically voiced.
"Well, he said he wanted to kill us!"
"That doesn't mean you should call him that!"
As the two quibbled, Twilight Sparkle couldn't decide whether she should be excited or terrified. Two never-before-seen creatures had dropped into Ponyville! Literally! And they spoke Equestrian! Not only that, but they were fluent and arguing in Equestrian! Wow! She shivered where she stood in the crowd. Twilight didn't know whether to approach them and speak up or to hang back in and watch. The tension was killing her. Finally, she slowly trotted up, earning the stares of everpony in the market.
"Uhh... gentlemen?" she nervously interjected. Matt and Pat paused their argument.
"Hello there," Twilight said with an awkward wave. "My name is-"
"Twilight Sparkle. Yeah, I know." Pat interrupted.
"Hell, I don't even watch the show and I knew that." Matt added.
Twilight took a step back. "I- but- wha..."
"Don't ask, but I know most everything there is to know about this place." Pat advised. "I know about Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and best po- I mean, Fluttershy. I know about Celestia and Luna, about your brother and Cadance. I know about Nightmare Moon, Discord, the Elements, Derpy, all that jazz.
"Bu... but... but how?" Twilight stammered.
"I think it's best for you not to know. I doubt many of you would take it well."
Matt sniffed the air. "Hey, you guys smell something?"
Pat smelled the air with him. "Yeah... something's grilling. But that doesn't make sense, ponies are vegetari..." He trailed off when he saw the first wisps of smoke climb in front of his face and felt a burning sensation in his hand. Pat looked down to see his right hand on fire.
The pain suddenly rushed through his nerves and into his brain, causing him to collapse on the ground screaming. The agony felt like someone had branded the back of his hand. Pat's vision blurred and his hearing weakened thanks to the searing pain, but he could make out a wailing black and blue blob that was no doubt Matt feeling the same sensation he was feeling. Finally, both of them passed out on the ground from the suffering, and they dreamt of fire.
---
Matt groaned and blinked open his eyes. What the hell had happened earlier? He leaned up and came face to face with Twilight and a male unicorn doctor with an orange coat and brown, parted mane.
"Oh good, you're awake. You're in the burn ward right now." the doctor explained.
"Unnngh... where's Pat?" he asked.
"Who?" the doctor questioned.
"The bipedal ginger one."
"Oh, him. He's right over there." He pointed a hoof to Matt's right, showcasing a sleeping Pat in a green hospital gown on a bed.
Matt sighed. "Good." He glanced down at his right hand and saw it was bandaged. He looked to the table to his left and saw his skull-cap. Matt then lay down and watched the doctor leave the room. He decided to ask, "Twilight, what happened?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe your bodies are reacting to the magic in this world." she replied.
Matt's eyes widened. "What? Magic?"
"Yes, there's magic here. These horns aren't for decoration, you know." she said with a chuckle. "Why, do you not have magic where you two are from?"
"Well, no. The only magic in our world is misdirection and sleight-of-hand."
Twilight furrowed her brow. "Hand?"
"Uh, this thing." Matt waved his good hand in front of her face.
"Oh, like a claw?"
"Something like that."
"Wow... does everyone like you have that? I'm assuming there's more like you two."
"Uh, yeah."
"Oh my gosh, there's so much I'm learning right now!" Twilight grabbed a pencil and notepad and started to scribble down notes while engaging in the time-honored tradition of the "squee." Matt heard a weak moan from his right. He leaned up and turned his head to see Pat dizzily rubbing his head.
"What the fuck happened?" Pat questioned.
"Quiet! There are foals here!" Twilight shot at Pat. He put up his hands defensively.
Then, the doctor came back into the room, magically holding a clipboard and pen. "Ah, I see both of you are awake. Is everyone alright?" Matt and Pat nodded. "Good. Now," he said as turned to Matt, "what's your name?" Matt gave his name, mesmerized by the floating clipboard and pen. The doctor wrote down notes on it. He faced Pat and asked him the same. When he was finished writing their names down, he said, "Now that that's taken care of, I will introduce myself. My name is Dr. Amber Lamps, and I will be-"
His introduction was cut off by raucous laughter from Matt and Pat. Amber Lamps looked offended. "I fail to see what's so funny with my name. It's a perfectly normal name, mind you, and I will not be told by some alien creature that it is silly."
When the laughter died down, Pat said, "Oh, sorry, but your name reminded us of something funny." Pat grinned while Matt chuckled. Amber Lamps still frowned.
"Well, if you two are done, let's have a look at your injuries." Amber Lamps grabbed Matt's bandaged hand and unwrapped it, explaining to them that they had second-degree burns on the backs of their right hands. Matt winced as the bandage was unraveled. His expression of pain turned to one of shock as he saw the mark the burn had left.
There was a thin circle that reached the back of his knuckles, followed by a gap, followed by a thicker circle closer to the center. At the center was a star that took up the majority of the thicker circle.
In other words, the burn resembled Captain America's shield.
Matt stared at the burn in awe, while Twilight and Amber Lamps stared in confusion.
"What the... that can't be natural!" she said.
"You have to admit, it is pretty badass, though." Matt beamed at the burn. Meanwhile, Amber Lamps had rushed over to Pat to see if his burn looked similar. He practically tore off the bandages, revealing that Pat's burn was an outline of a man. A very thin outline.
"Dude, I can barely see this thing," Pat complained to the doctor. "It's practically invisible." When he said the word "invisible", Pat disappeared.
"Woah!" Matt shouted. "Where the hell did Pat go?"
"I'm right here, dumbass." Pat replied.
"Well, I can't fucking see you!"
"What?" Pat looked down at himself to see his whole body was transparent. "Woah, man."
"How'd you become invisible?"
"Well, I disappeared when I said my burn was practically invisible. Wait a sec..." Pat thought for a moment, then shouted, "Visible!" Pat then reappeared on his bed. Amber Lamps fainted.
Pat screamed skyward, "I'M FUCKING INVISIBLE!" He the disappeared again.
"Shhhh!" Twilight cautioned.
"Sorry. Visible," Pat said.
"Well, you get active camo, but what the hell do I get?"
Pat shrugged. "I dunno, maybe say 'America'?"
Twilight had a confused look on her face. "What's America?"
Matt turned his head at subsonic speed. "Only the greatest country to ever be founded!"
Twilight nervously nodded. "Uh-huh."
Matt steeled himself. Then, he shouted to the heavens, "AMEEEEEEEEERRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Shhhhhh!" Twilight warned.
Suddenly, Matt became taller, buffer, and instead of the hospital gown, he wore a suit that had more than a passing resemblance to Captain America's suit. He looked down at his skull-cap and saw that it had turned red, white, and blue instead of the usual black.
Matt's smile had expanded by a few miles. He closed his eyes and screamed, "YEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" as if Horatio Cane had taken off his sunglasses back on Earth.
"Shhhhhhhh!" Twilight admonished for the fourth time in a row.
"Waaaait a sec..." Matt questioned "If I'm Cap, where's my shield?" He then felt a weight press down on his legs. He looked to see a giant red, white, and blue shield. "Oh."
"Look, you being Cap is cool, I'm not gonna lie," Pat admitted. "But how are you going to turn back into the same loser I make videos with?"
"How are you two friends?" Twilight asked. They both looked at each other, then shrugged. She facehoofed.
"Anyway, how are you going to turn back?" Pat repeated.
"Uh..." Matt wondered. "Maybe if I say the most un-American thing ever. Umm... Soviet Russia?" Matt promptly turned back, the shield and clothes leaving with the muscle.
Pat's eyes dilated. "Wait a sec, I could barely see my burn, then I turned transparent. Your burn looked like Captain America, then you turn into Cap whenever you say 'America.'" Pat's jaw dropped. "Are these burns cutie marks?"
Matt raised an eyebrow. "Cute- what now?"
"Cutie marks," Twilight explained, "are marks that show up on a pony's hindquarters when they discover their special talent. I guess they show up on the hands of... uh... what species are you guys?"
"Humans," Pat answered.
"Humans, right."
"Are they normally this painful to get?" Matt asked.
"No, I guess humans get them differently."
"Invisibility and unwavering patriotism," Pat smirked. "Some special talents, huh?"
"Yeah, you could say that." Matt chuckled. "So, any idea how to get out of here?"
"I dunno." said Twilight.
"Ya got me." said Pat.
"I thought as much." affirmed Matt.
---
A/N: I had to differentiate my story from other crossover HiE's somehow. Credit for the cutie mark idea goes to Urdeth.
About a day after they arrived, Matt and Pat were just about ready to leave the hospital with Twilight.
"So what you're saying is," Matt asked, "that because we come from a place where magic doesn't exist, our bodies maybe had a reaction to the magic in Equestria?" Twilight nodded her head.
"Hmm. Fascinating," Matt said like Spock. Pat was signing the last vestiges of paperwork when they heard chatter outside the door.
Matt raised his eyebrow questioningly. "The hell is that?" He heard some ponies talk about how exciting this new "story" was and how big of a "scoop" it was going to be.
Pat put the pen down and groaned, "Goddamn journalists."
"You think so?" questioned Twilight.
"Of course I think so!" Pat yelled. "You think that two unknown creatures from another world that fell from the sky and suddenly got their cutie marks aren't going to attract some attention?"
Twilight shied away. "But it's only been a day! How could word have spread so quickly?"
Then, they heard a female voice shout over the crowd. "Hey! Humans! You guys! I LOVE YOU!"
Twilight put a hoof to her forehead. "Ugh, Lyra."
"You guys are going to have to get me up to speed," Matt said.
"Lyra's a pony who knows all about humans, and everypony deems her crazy because of it," Pat explained. "At least, that's what the fanon thinks."
"Fanon?" Twilight inquired.
"Uh, nothing," Pat said.
"Well, Lyra must've been the one who reported you two to the press," Twilight deduced. "I heard her bragging to everypony yesterday about how she'd been right all along and asking, 'Who's crazy now?' I still think she's nuts, even though she was right."
"Well, you can get us out of here, right?" Matt begged. "Please, I don't know how to deal with fangirls."
"Sorry, but my teleport spells have a set range. We'll only get so far," Twilight clarified.
"Dammit, why won't fate give us a break?" Matt lamented.
Pat sighed, "Well, we're getting out of here one way or another." He went up to the double doors, took a deep breath, and pushed them open. There was a storm of flashing lights and camera clicks as the paparazzi asked numerous questions over each other. Pat held up a hand to shield himself from the light, but, unfortunately for him, that meant he couldn't see the mint green unicorn lady hurling herself at him. Pat was tackled to the ground and saw Lyra standing over him. She gazed at him in wonder, levitating his hand to her eyes and staring at it for a few minutes. She sniffed Pat from his chin to his forehead.
"Perv," Pat grumbled. Matt and Twilight stared in fear from inside the hospital lobby.
"Hey, there," Lyra seductively whispered. "I know you can hear me. So why don't you come with me? I can help you. Really, I can."
"Uh, sorry. You're, um... not my type," Pat fumbled.
"I can make some arrangements." Lyra then planted a long, drawn-out kiss on Pat's lips. The crowd of press, along with Matt and Twilight, gasped in horror.
Pat shoved her off and ran. He looked back at Matt and Twilight and shouted, "What are you waiting for, an invitation? Let's fucking go!" Both of them nodded, then ran like hell.
Lyra got back on her hooves and gave chase, hollering, "WAIT! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" Despite her pleas, the trio kept running hell-for-leather away from Lyra and the press. Lyra gave chase, and the mob of journalists followed suit.
Pat's heart whacked against his chest and his lungs started to burn, along with his legs. Twilight caught up with him, breathing heavily and sweating profusely.
"Wait," Pat wondered aloud in between gasps, "where's Matt?" He looked over his shoulder to see Matt standing still, doubled over with his hands on his knees.
"Wait... wait up," Matt sputtered, "Wait up you guys..."
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU GODDAMN MORON!?!" Pat screamed.
"I'm... I'm not good at running..."
"THERE'S A XENOPHILE ON OUR ASSES, AND YOU'RE WHINING ABOUT HOW YOU CAN'T RUN? GET MOVING, YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH!"
"What's a xenophile?" Matt questioned as he got his legs in gear. There was a veritable dust storm as the crowd of journalists and Lyra stampeded towards the three. All of their legs were starting to give out.
"Wait, you guys," Pat said, "I have an idea. We all split up. Twilight, you keep going forward, to your house." He pointed at the big tree house in the distance. "I'll run left while being transparent. Matt, you stall them using your Cap powers. Got it?" They nodded in assent. "Good," Pat said, "Let's go. Invisible!" he screamed. Invisi-Pat ran to the left while watching Twilight rush towards her house. Meanwhile, Matt had turned around, facing the crowd and their fangirl.
"America!" he yelled while shooting his right hand in the air. He transformed into Cap, this time with his skull-cap on and vibranium shield at the ready. Cap-Matt hurled his shield sideways towards the array of paparazzi and Lyra. They all yelped and ducked. The shield destroyed some fedoras that were hanging in the air as it shot above the swarm. The shield bounced off a lamppost and returned to Matt.
Lyra was the first to poke her head up. "Ooh, a little fight in you," she muttered, "I like that."
Matt returned her accidental The Dark Knight quote by saying, "Then you're gonna love me." Matt grabbed the shield with both hands and put it at his side, making him look like he was charging up a hadouken. Then, with an almighty cry of "CHARGING STAR!", Matt rocketed forward with the shield in front of him and plowed into the crowd, knocking them all into the air. They eventually landed with about fifty painful-sounding thuds. With the paparazzi task force done for, he ran towards Twilight's house.
---
Twilight's House, 2:45 P.M
Twilight kept running as Pat had asked. She forced herself to look away as the commotion amplified behind her, galloping towards the library. Her legs threatened to buckle under her, but she forced herself to keep running. She finally made it to the door of the tree house. Twilight burst through the door and smashed it closed. She heard a small groan from upstairs.
"Uggghhhhhh... Twilight? That you?"
"Spike?" she said, rushing up the stairs. Twilight found Spike lying on his bed in the fetal position, wincing in pain and clutching his stomach.
Spike glanced at Twilight from where he lay. "Oh, Twilight!" he wearily said, "Boy, am I glad to see you."
"Spike? What happened to..." She trailed off as she saw the multiple buckets of ice cream strewn about her bedroom. Twilight put a hoof to her forehead again. "Ugh, what did you do to yourself?" she said annoyedly.
"Well, while you were gone, I had a simple day plan: eat ice cream, take a nap, repeat. Simple."
"Really?" the lavender mare asked incredulously. "Weren't you worried about me?"
"Well, yeah. While eating ice cream and napping all day was fun, I found myself getting really concerned about you. I missed you, Twilight."
That seemed to cinch it. Twilight felt tears well up in her eyes as she pulled Spike in for a tight hug. "Oh, I missed you too!" she said as she kissed him on the forehead. Spike recoiled.
"Anyway," he said while vigorously rubbing his forehead, "what was all that commotion about yesterday in the market? I heard some ponies talking about 'weird creatures that fell from the sky' and 'bursting into flames.' What was that all about?"
As if on cue, the front door opened seemingly on its own, then shut itself. Spike bolted upwards while Twilight asked the library, "Pat? Is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me," Pat replied. "Visible." The grumpy ginger then made himself seeable.
Spike yelped, "AHH! A MONSTER!" He bolted behind Twilight and peeked out from behind her flank. "Wha-wha-what is that thing?"
"That," Twilight said, "is the weird creature that fell from the sky."
"Hey!" Pat interjected.
"Sorry," Twilight said before turning to Spike. "Anyway, Pat here means us no harm. There's a friend of his that came to Ponyville along with him. His name is Matt. He should be arriving any minute now."
Again, as if on cue, the door shattered into a bajillion pieces as Cap-Matt leapt in to the tree house. He stood in the middle of the library with a gigantic grin on his face. "Hey, guys," he introduced himself. Everyone in the room just glared at him. Matt let out a defensive "What?"
"Spike, meet Matt. Matt, Spike." Twilight introduced the human and the dragon. Matt jovially waved at Spike. Spike just shivered.
Matt put a hand on his chin. "Hmm..." he pondered, "he doesn't look nearly as cool as Spiegel."
"Who?" Spike asked.
"Nothing," Matt replied. "Soviet Russia." He turned back into regular, Canadian Matt.
"These two," Twilight explained, "will be staying with us until the media stops badgering us."
"Twilight, are you sure about this?" Spike questioned.
"I'm positive, Spike, that these two are perfectly normal, peaceable individuals."
"They're mysterious creatures that fell from the sky! How could they be considered normal?"
"Spike, Matt and Pat are nice men, despite their outward appearances."
"But what if-"
"No buts. They're staying here, and that's final." Twilight turned her head towards the two humans. "You guys hear that?"
"Yeah," they replied.
"Good. Now that that's taken care of, Matt, Pat, make yourselves at home."
The pair shuffled about while Spike grumbled, "I still think that this is a bad idea."
It took a surprisingly short amount of time for the paparazzi to buzz off. Of course, that didn't stop from the occasional intrepid reporter, intrigued passer-by, or curious little filly/colt to drop by, but for the most part ponies kept their space out of fear, respect, or both. To keep a media firestorm from happening, Spike had to be sent out to prevent anypony from recognizing them. Matt was sleeping on the therapist's couch Twilight had lying around while the purple mare and Pat were having a discussion about sandwiches when there was a knock on the newly repaired door.
"Twi? Ya here, sugarcube?"
"Maybe she's sleeping. We shouldn't disturb her."
There were more loud raps on the door. "OPEN UP, YOU MONSTERS! WE KNOW YOU'RE HERE!"
"Rainbow Dash, calm down!"
"I can't calm down! Twilight could be dead, eaten by those things!"
"Then why did she run off with them?"
"You know Twilight, she's always wanting to learn about new things, no matter how much trouble she gets in!"
There was then a blaze of blows on the door. "Hey! Weird monster thingamabobs! Can we chat? If not, that's okay! I really want to talk to you guys though!"
Twilight's eyes shrank. For some reason, she hadn't thought of what her friends would say, perhaps because she was so preoccupied. Her cheeks turned bright red. Twilight looked over at Pat at gave him a stare that said, What do I do? Pat shrugged. She turned back to the door worriedly. Oh, man, she thought, what am I gonna do? What are they gonna say? How are they gonna react? Twilight whispered in Pat's ear to wake Matt up, and hesitantly walked towards the door. With a deep breath, she opened the door to her five best friends.
Pinkie Pie was the first one to speak up. "Oh, hey Twilight! Boy, am I glad to see you! I thought something really bad had happened! That wouldn't have been nice." She looked behind Twilight. "Hey, Mr. Monster? You here?"
Rainbow Dash burst in front of Pinkie. "Alright," the pegasus hollered, "where are they!? If they've done anything to Twi, there'll be hay to pay!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Applejack annoyedly said behind her. She pulled her back with her forelegs and spoke up. "Sorry, Twilight. Rainbow's had ants-in-her-flank for the past week ever since we saw you run off with those things. Speakin' of which, where are those two fellers?"
While Rainbow, Applejack, and Pinkie entered, Rarity was talking to Twilight. "Oh, Twilight, darling, I was so worried about you!" The white mare pulled her into a hug.
"It's okay, Rarity," Twilight explained, "I'm fine. Matt and Pat haven't done anything to me."
"Who?"
"Um, the guys that fell from the sky." Twilight sidestepped. "You can come in if you want."
The fashionista walked in, looking bewildered. "Such strange names..."
That left one: Fluttershy. Twilight peeked her head out the door to find the yellow pegasus kneeling on the ground, her face hidden by her bangs. "Come on, Fluttershy," Twilight prodded, "they aren't going to hurt you." Fluttershy just squealed. Twilight sighed, then dragged Fluttershy into the library.
Meanwhile, Pat was doing a bit of prodding of his own. "Matt, get up. Get up, you lazy bastard," he poked.
Matt stirred. "What's going on?"
"We're gonna meet Twilight's friends."
"Ah, crap. I hate meet-and-greets," Matt whined.
"Shut up, Francis," Pat jeered. Matt stood up, and the two men walked to the center of the library, where the entirety of the Mane Six stood.
Rainbow had the first word. Or rather, first action. She flew towards Matt and Pat and tackled them to the ground, yelling, "WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU TWO!?! HUH!? ARE YOU SPIES? INVADERS? WELL, IF YOU ARE, THAN I'M NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A- what the?"
"The hell's a 'what the'?" Matt quipped. The "what the" was produced by Twilight levitating Rainbow into the air. Rainbow punched and kicked helplessly in the magical field until she gave up.
Applejack stepped up next. "Sorry 'bout that. Rainbow can be a bit... headstrong. Anyway, mah name's Applejack. Pleasure to meet ya both." She extended a hoof towards Matt. He hesitantly shook it, introducing himself. Applejack whipped his hand back and forth quickly. Matt's arm rocked violently. Pat backed out.
Next was Pinkie Pie. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I'm gonna throw a party just for you two! It's gonna be called the 'Welcome-to-Ponyville-don't-destroy-all-of-us-please' party! It's gonna be so awesome! I'm gonna invite everypony in town and..." She chattered on, while Matt cringed at the volume of words that flowed out of her mouth. He shot Pat a glance that read, Help me! Pat contemplated his navel for a few moments, then raised a finger and smiled to display his "eureka" moment. Matt rolled his eyes. Pat ran off to the kitchen. Matt heard him digging about in the fridge. After about a minute, when Matt was at his breaking point, Pat dashed back into the library, holding in his hands a vanilla cupcake. Pat whistled at Pinkie. She looked over at him, then the cupcake, and bolted towards the treat.
Applejack looked confused. "How in the hay did you know that'd work?"
"Experience," Pat cryptically deadpanned.
"Well, now that we have that out of the way," Rarity said, "allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rarity. A pleasure to meet you darling little things." She thrust out a hoof. Matt frowned, annoyed at being called a "thing." He still shook her hoof. Pat one-upped him, taking the hoof in his hand, bending over, and kissing it. Rarity blushed. "Ooh, it's nice to see we have a true gentlecolt here!"
"Ass-kisser," Matt muttered.
The two humans in the room turned towards the last pony they hadn't met: Fluttershy. When they glanced over at her, she ducked behind her mane.
Matt clasped his hands together, eyes wide. "Aww! She's so cute!" he remarked. He ran over to the yellow pegasus and raised her bangs. He waved and went, "Hi there!" She sprinted towards a cardboard box full of junk and hid in it, her rear end shivering like no tomorrow.
"Aww," Matt disappointedly said, "she doesn't like me."
"And you're surprised because...?" Pat retorted with a smirk.
"Ah, shut up." Matt went over to the box and sat down. "Hey there. You alright?" Fluttershy squeaked in fear. "I thought as much. Listen, me and Pat aren't gonna hurt you. We just need to stay here until we find a way back home. When that happens, we're never gonna bother you again. Alright?"
Fluttershy raised her head up. "Are you sure?"
"Positive." Matt put out a hand. "I'm Matt. You?"
The shy mare timidly put her hoof in his hand and shook softly. "Fluttershy..." Everyone smiled, and there was a hushed "Aww!" from all of the ponies. Well, save Rainbow Dash.
"Oh come on, you guys!" she yelled from inside the magic bubble. "You cannot be believing this malarkey! I've heard better lies from cucumbers than from that beast!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity scolded. "How dare you terrorize someone as refined as Pat or caring as Matt!"
"They're not ponies, they're monsters! How many-"
"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!?" Matt bellowed. Everyone gasped. There was a pregnant pause, and somehow that silence was louder than anything that could have been said by any of them.
Matt regretfully sighed. "Look, I know I blew up back there. I'm sorry. I guess I was just tired of being referred to as some sort of barbaric killer, and I'm willing to bet Pat was too." He walked up to Rainbow Dash, glaring at her. "Listen hard and listen good. I'm not a monster. Neither is Pat. We're both perfectly normal individuals. Sure, we may yell at each other from time to time, but it doesn't mean we're aggressive beasts out for blood."
"Pfft. Yeah, right," Rainbow chided.
Matt grimaced and stepped closer. "However, if you refer to us as such from this point on again, we will become them. And it's your blood we'll be out for. Understand?"
Rainbow stared on dumbstruck, mouth agape.
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?!" Matt roared.
Rainbow quickly nodded her head. "Y-y-yes sir," she stammered.
"Good. I'm glad we could come to a mutual agreement." Matt walked away to the couch.
"Where the hell did that come from?" Pat asked in awe.
"You got me," Matt responded. He climbed onto the couch and fell asleep, leaving everyone in the room in frightened respect of him.
A/N: Be warned, fighting game jargon and colored text.
Ponyville Library, Two Days Later, 12:45 P.M
Despite the excitement that had occurred two days ago, Matt and Pat were bored to hell and back. They hated the fact that they had to be cooped up in a library where they had to be hidden every time someone came in, and the only available source of amusement was books. They feared apathy had already reached them, so they made plans to go outside and look for something to do in Ponyville.
"What?" said Twilight when she heard about their plans.
"Come on, Twilight," Matt pleaded, "we don't have anything to do in here!"
"No!" she denied. "I won't have you leave the library. Think of the consequences! A media blitz, you two being exposed, mass hysteria, Princess Celestia herself banishing me because I harbored two potentially dangerous-"
But it was too late. Twilight looked over to see that Matt and Pat had already went to the door. With a "Bye, Twilight" from both of them, they opened the door to find Rainbow Dash standing outside. She froze when she saw them.
"Uh... hey, guys!" she greeted with an awkward grin.
"Why are you here?" Pat questioned.
"Oh, come on," Rainbow said in painfully forced playfulness, "can't a girl go to two of her best friends from another world to say hello?" The two humans narrowed their eyes.
"Do you really think we're that stupid?" asked Matt.
The pegasus sighed. "Look, I came here to apologize. I know I shouldn't have acted like I did back there. I was just trying to protect and defend my friends, like you did." She shivered. Pat smirked. "You can understand, right?" She put out a hoof. Matt stared at it for a little while. Rainbow winced, fearing that he wouldn't forgive her. She was pleasantly surprised when he did.
Matt shook her hoof and said, "Yeah. Yeah, I can."
Rainbow grinned. "Awesome! Thanks."
"No problem," Matt replied. He let go of Rainbow's hoof. "So, um, anything to do around here?" he asked.
"Yeah, preferably video game related." Pat added.
Rainbow put a hoof to her chin. "Hmm... video games... Oh!" she remembered. "Ponyville Arcade!"
"Very creative naming committee here," Matt sarcastically whispered to Pat.
"The arcade has tons of awesome games there! It's this way, guys! Follow me!" Rainbow dashed off. Matt and Pat followed. As they walked, ponies took notice of them. They made idle small talk about them, but for the most part they stayed out of the way and respected their space. The two were bewildered.
"You'd think that two humans walking around in a village full of ponies would cause something to happen," Pat said.
"Maybe they heard about my badass defense of you yesterday," Matt boasted.
"Yelling at a girl? Some badass defense."
"I needed to. I was sick of being treated as some sort of pariah."
"Wait, what did you say?"
"What?"
"You said you were sick of being treated as a pariah."
"Yeah. So?"
"Frankly, I'm surprised you know what the word 'pariah' even means."
"Ah, shut it, asshole." Matt pointed to a building up ahead. "Look, we're here." The place looked like an arcade you'd see in the Eighties; a small, white, square thing wedged between two other businesses. The giant red and blue neon sign above the entrance read PONYVILLEARCADE. Rainbow Dash was standing near the door.
"What took you guys so long?" she asked. "I've been waiting forever."
"Um, Rainbow Dash," Pat said, "it's only been fifteen minutes."
"Yeah. For-ev-er!" Rainbow said. Matt and Pat facepalmed and went in to the joint. For them, going in was like ODing on nostalgia. Row after row of glowing coin-op machines were stacked against each other, with young fillies and colts sitting on stools with a bunch of bits lying on the floor next to them, playing to their hearts content.
"Woahhhh..." they said. Normally, an arcade back on Earth- if one could be found- would be absolutely deserted. The arcade scene had nearly died when consoles went into the mainstream in the Nineties. The men and women who grew up during the period before longed for something like this, and for Matt and Pat this was like reliving their childhood. Then they realized they didn't have any money.
Rainbow read the dejected looks on their faces when the realization came over them and said, "Oh, don't worry guys. I brought some money." She brought out a small satchel of bits from somewhere behind her and held it in her teeth.
"Where did you..." Matt asked.
"Are you really gonna question the lady now?" Pat interrupted. He grabbed it from Rainbow's mouth, turned around, and froze.
"Uh, Matt? You may want to see this," Pat said.
"Wha-" Matt stopped mid-sentence as he wheeled around. To their horror, they found dozens of little kids looking up at them and grinning widely. There was a whole sea of them.
One gray colt raised his voice. "Are- are you..."
They both responded, "Yes." The moments following were a maelstrom of questions and requests. Matt and Pat were swarmed by the kids, all asking for something.
"Where are you from?"
"Are there ponies where you come from?"
"Can I have your autograph?"
"Wanna play some Marevel 3?"
That last question raised the humans' eyebrows. Matt whistled loudly to get them to stop chattering.
"Alright," he said. "Who asked us if we wanted to play Marvel 3?"
A small, dark green unicorn colt with black mane raised his hoof. "Um, me, sir. And it's Mare-vel."
"What?" Matt questioned. The colt pointed to a newer-looking machine in the back. Mat and Pa looked over. In comparison to the other games, this one was bigger, brighter, and louder than the rest. It was about twice the size of a regular machine, and it had twice the shine to match. There were two stools and two sets of buttons. The screen was roughly the size of a flat-screen TV. On it, an intro movie was playing, displaying multiple ponies and other creatures fighting it out in freeze-frame. Above the display was a sign that said, in big, flashy lettering, "ULTIMATE MAREVEL VS COLTCOM 3".
"It's a Japonyese fighting game." the colt explained. "It's kinda weird."
"Yeah, we know." Pat said. "We have something like this where me and Pat come from."
"Oh, really?" the colt asked in surprise. "Then I guess I don't have to teach you how it works. Come on." The colt walked over to the machine. Matt and Pat followed, and with them, the massive crowd and Rainbow Dash. They argued that Pat was the better of them at Marvel based on their episode on Vanilla Marvel 3. Matt was standing on the left side while Pat sat down. The green colt took the right.
"Okay, then." Matt said. "What's your name, kid?"
"Glitch." the green unicorn replied.
"I got next!" a filly in the crowd said.
"Oh Jesus," Pat said to himself, "I have not heard that in a long time."
Glitch inserted four bits into the machine, one for each of them, and went to the character select screen with Pat. After a bit of bickering over character synchronicity and nationality, they had their character choices down. Pat went with Captain Equestria, Doctor Discord, and Hawkeye. Glitch decided to use the near-infallible Team Trenchcoat: Dante, Vergil, and Wesker. Pat wasn't amused when he saw this.
"Aw, you son of a..." Pat held his breath to stave off a tirade.
Glitch shrugged. "Hey, it works." The game had already taken them to the training stage.
"Live and let die! FIGHT!" the game announced.
"Yeah! Get hype!" Matt cried alongside it. The ponies in the crowd cheered. Pat first decided to play a keep-away game with Cap's Shield Slash and Discord and Hawkeye's assists. Glitch was unfettered, for Dante had overhead teleports. He did a jumping S on Cap, connecting and putting him in a hard knockdown. He followed up with a Cold Shower into Prop Shredder BnB, reducing Cap to two thirds of his health. Pat unwisely hard-tagged in Discord, allowing for a Stinger combo from Dante during his idle animation. Discord got up with a small chunk of health in the red and jumped up into a Hoof Dive. Dante countered this with Vergil's Rapid Slash before going into Million Dollars. Glitch canceled into Vergil's Spiral Swords near the end of Million Dollars and went for a Helmet Breaker combo that put an end to Discord. Cap went in, only to be subdued by a Lunar Phase mix-up.
Hawkeye was shoved onto the playing field. Pat desperately tried to prevent Glitch from getting in by playing a frenetic keep-away game with Level 3 X-Factor, but to no avail. Glitch effortlessly dodged the barrage of trick arrows with more teleports from Vergil. Vergil finally got in after avoiding insanely quick projectiles and finally finishing off Hawkeye with a Round Trip mix-up, ending the game and signaling seven letters that announced Pat's crushing defeat:
"PERFECT!"
The crowd behind them cheered wildly for Glitch. The young colt stood up and pumped his foreleg. He then looked over at Pat and stuck his hoof out.
"Good game, man." he said.
Pat frowned a bit before smiling and saying, "Good game." He got off the stool and walked over to Matt, letting the filly that had next go up against Glitch.
"You salty, bro?" Matt gently chided.
"Ah, shut up. You don't even play this game," Pat replied.
---
Ponyville Arcade, 2:45 P.M
Matt, Pat, and Rainbow left the arcade a good two hours later. It was fun to relive their childhood and all, but they still needed to find a way to get the hell out of Equestria. They were walking down the street when a newspaper collided with Matt's facial region. Matt peeled it off and read it. He froze with a mortified expression on his face.
"What the fuck?" he said. Pat and Rainbow Dash looked over his shoulder to the front page and instantly understood.
STRANGE CREATURES FROM ANOTHER WORLD FALL FROM THE SKY Princess Unsure Of What To Make Of Situation
About a week or so ago, a pair of beings not native to Equestria fell from the sky in the small village of Ponyville, the town that is best known for being the place that houses the wielders of the Elements of Harmony. The two creatures were rescued from their dooms by native pegasi Flitter and Cloudchaser before being taken to the hospital for burns on their appendages. The hospital will not say just what caused them, though theories about being reactive to the magic in Equestria have been tossed around. They were last seen running away from media with Twilight Sparkle, better known as the Element of Magic. Little is known about these aliens aside from the fact that that they are male and speak Equestrian, and it seems that only time will tell if they will be boons or banes for ponykind.
They all turned their heads to stare at each other for a moment, then bolted towards Twilight's house.
---
Ponyville Library, 2:49 P.M
The three amigos raced towards the treehouse and burst through Twilight's door. The purple mare and dragon inside both yelped.
"What the hay was that for?" Twilight said, in between gasping for breath. Matt shoved the newspaper in her face, causing her to recoil. She took it in her hooves, read it, and fainted. Rainbow went over to check on her, while Spike burped out a letter from the Princess. If belching could ever be considered ominous, this was it.
"Uh-oh," he said. Spike gulped and started to read the letter aloud.
"'Dear Twilight,
By now, you probably know that the media and, by extension, most ponies, know of the two beings you ran off with a week ago. It's causing a lot of panic and hysteria in Equestria; some ponies think their the bringers of the apocalypse. To alleviate these fears, I will be holding an introduction ceremony at Canterlot Castle. It will be a bit like the Grand Galloping Gala: stuffy, boring, well-dressed ponies standing around and generally being absolute drags. Anyway, I will be holding the ceremony the day after tomorrow. I hope that these two men are normal, peaceable individuals and they won't generate a problem in Canterlot.
Dress nicely,
Princess Celestia'"
The conscious individuals in the room stood around nervously for a bit and let the weight of the situation sink in until Twilight stirred.
"Ugh... what happened? Why is Spike holding a letter?" she asked.
"Um," Matt hesitantly explained, "we're going to a formal gathering to meet this Princess Celestia lady." He nervously chuckled. She responded by fainting again.
Chapter Seven: Come With Me If You Want To Look Nice
Matt and Pat were standing around in the library with the rest of the Mane Six, explaining what had happened a few hours ago. All of them looked shocked and scared, save Pinkie Pie and Rarity, and even then the former's ears drooped when she heard that it was going to be like the Grand Galloping Gala. The latter looked very, very excited.
"Oh my gosh, yes!" she cried. "My greatest challenge ever! Creating an ensemble for two unknown beings, ooh! How thrilling!" Matt and Pat cringed at how emphatic she seemed. Twilight was simply annoyed.
"Ugh, Rarity!" she said. "There's more important things to be doing than gunning for the right to say that you dressed two humans!"
"What did you call them?" Rarity replied, confused.
"Humans. It's what Matt and Pat's race is called." Twilight explained. The whole room went "Ohhhhh."
Rarity, ignoring Twilight's message, went up to Matt and Pat and began speaking to them. "Look, this is a formal event, so I'm going to need you to look your best. Seeing as what you're wearing are the only clothes you have, both of you are going to need something nice to wear. I'll come up with something if you're willing to come with me to my home."
"Um, sure." Matt and Pat replied simultaneously.
"Fantastic!" Rarity clapped her hooves together. "I'll be sure to come up with something nice that'll please you. However, to be a gentlecolt, you must not only look the part, but act it. For etiquette, I'm unsure how you'll fare in that department-"
Matt suddenly belched while Pat wiped his nose with his arm and scratched his back, confirming Rarity's worst fears.
"Eww! Ugh, I'll definitely be needing to teach you two about manners. Stop by my home tomorrow at 12 o'clock sharp. We're going to need a lot of time. For now, come with me if you want to look nice." Matt and Pat followed Rarity out the door to Carousel Boutique.
---
Carousel Boutique, 4:15 P.M
The bell above the door rang across the hall as Sweetie Belle raced to the door, eagerly anticipating the arrival of her big sister. The door swung open, revealing Rarity, along with two Diamond Dogs. But that didn't make sense, she's had bad history with Diamond Dogs. Why would she bring them into Carousel Boutique?
Sweetie Belle froze. Her legs locked up and her face refused to move. She wanted to scream, but she couldn't. She was paralyzed with fear.
Rarity had brought the two creatures into the boutique.
Rarity looked over at her catatonic little sister and waved. "Oh, hello, Sweetie Belle!" she said. Have you met Matt and Pat yet?" Sweetie Belle just kept on staring ahead. Rarity trotted up to the filly and poked her on the head. "Sweetie Belle?" she asked. "Heloooo?" Rarity looked over to Matt and Pat for help, eyebrow raised. They shrugged. Matt walked up to Sweetie Belle and stooped down.
"Hello? Anyone home? Sweetie Belle?" he inquired. Matt wore a worried look on his face. Running out of ideas, he nudged her horn. Sweetie Belle bolted up the stairs to the second floor, faster than anybody or anypony could see.
"Twice this has happened, Matt!" Pat shouted. "Twice!"
"Remind me how you two are still friends again?" Rarity asked. They shrugged. "Whatever," she sighed. "Forget I asked." She turned towards the stairway. "Sweetie Belle? Come down, now."
The white little filly peeked her head out. "R-R-Rarity?" she stammered.
"Yes, Sweetie Belle, it's me." she reassured. "Come down, please."
"No!" the child denied. "Not while those two are down there!"
"Racist," Matt whispered to himself.
"Sweetie, Matt and Pat are perfectly normal individuals!" Rarity explained. "They don't want to hurt you!"
"NO!" Sweetie Belle repeated. Rarity sighed annoyedly. She went up the stairs to her younger sister. A few moments later, Rarity brought down Sweetie Belle down to the first floor kicking and screaming in a magical field. She fought helplessly against the magic but finally gave up after wearing herself thin.
Rarity levitated her towards Matt. "Sweetie Belle," she introduced, "this is Matt." Matt gleefully waved. Sweetie Belle waved too, decidedly less happy. Rarity did the same with Pat.
Sweetie Belle suddenly perked up. "Oh my gosh, do I have a cutie mark now for meeting two aliens? Oh, who am I kidding of course I..." Her joy swiftly died as she laid eyes on her bare flank. She looked over at Matt and Pat. "Don't tell me you have cutie marks."
"Um..." Matt said, "about that..." Him and Pat turned their right hands around.
"OH COME ON!" Sweetie Belle whined. "Two creatures from another world got their cutie marks before I did! I'll never get one now! Never, never never!" She stared to sob into her hooves. Matt and Pat looked at each other worriedly. Pat then went over to Sweetie Belle and got on one knee.
"Hey, kid. Don't feel down. Just because we have cutie marks before you doesn't mean you're not gonna get one," he consoled. "Everyone grows up at different rates, in different ways. Don't rush it."
Sweetie Belle sniffed. "You sure?" she asked.
"Positive," Pat reassured.
"Okay, then. Maybe you aren't as bad as I thought."
"I'm glad to see you have made friends with these two," Rarity said before lowering Sweetie Belle to the ground. "Anyway, Matt, Pat, let's get you suited up!" Rarity chuckled at her pun. "What do you have in mind?"
"Could you make me a tuxedo?" Matt requested.
---
Carousel Boutique, 6:30 P.M
After two hours of hard, hoof-tiring, horn-exhausting labor, Matt and Pat were fully decked out in formal wear. For Matt, Rarity had crafted a classic black-and-white double breasted tuxedo, complete with the all-important bow tie. She let him keep the skull-cap. For Pat, Rarity had made a considerably more modern suit: a gray jacket with matching pants and a black dress shirt. The two were checking themselves out while Rarity admired her work with Sweetie Belle.
"Wow," Sweetie Belle said, "you two look fancy!"
"Stylin' and profilin'!" Matt exclaimed.
"For once, you used that correctly." Pat said in return. He then faced Rarity. "Thanks for the suits," he said. "It's really appreciated. So, how much are we gonna pay you?"
"Oh, you don't have to pay me at all!" Rarity replied. "It's free of charge."
"Wait, really?" Matt said disbelievingly.
"Of course!" Rarity assured.
"Wow, thank you!"
"It's nothing, really. Now, off you go!" Matt and Pat picked up their spare clothes and left the boutique with their suits on.
"Goodbye!" Rarity said. The two waved goodbye in return. "Don't forget to come over tomorrow! Twelve sharp!" she reminded. Rarity then turned to her little sister. "Sweetie Belle, there's something that I need you to do for me."
---
Carousel Boutique, The Next Day, 12 P.M
The doorbell chimed as Matt and Pat stepped into Carousel Boutique clad in their suits. Rarity then stepped into view, dressed in a simple white dress with gold trimming, a pearl necklace draped around her neck.
"Ah, you're here!" she said. "Come, follow me." The mare led her to her dining room, where a wooden table with four chairs stood in the center. Multiple dishes with various foodstuffs were spread across it, all of them vegetarian. Sweetie Belle stood on a chair wearing a frilled pink dress and flower necklace with matching headband.
"Welcome to Rarity's School of All Things Fancy!" she cried, flashing an enormous grin.
"Is this world trying to give me a heart attack?" Matt whispered to Pat.
"Do you like it?" Rarity asked. "Sweetie Belle and I worked on it all day."
"Yeah," Pat replied, "it's pretty cool.
"Great!" Rarity exclaimed. "Unfortunately, however, we only have a limited time here," she explained, "so we're just going to go over the basics. First, we'll do a dry run to see what you know. Pretend you don't know us."
Matt and Pat went to the back of the room along with Rarity and Sweetie Belle. On Rarity's word, they walked up to the table together. Matt and Pat took their seats and began leaning their elbows on the table, twiddling their thumbs. Sweetie Belle and Rarity stood around their chairs, annoyed. The mare cleared her throat.
"Ahem," she said, "gentlemen."
"What?" Matt asked. "What did we do?"
"Two things." Rarity replied. "One, you don't lean on the table." This caused them to get their elbows off the table immediately. "Two, you pull out chairs for the ladies." Matt and Pat then shot up from their seats and rushed to the chairs that Rarity and Sweetie Belle were at. They pulled it out, nervously chuckling before heading back to their seats.
"That's better." Rarity said. "Now, to introductions. My name is Rarity Nicolette-"
Before she could finish, Matt started to chuckle.
"Just what is so funny about my middle name?" she demanded.
"Nothing..." Matt admitted before saying, "Niko."
This caused Pat to join in on Matt's fun. "EH, RARITY! MY COUSIN!" he said in a horrific imitation of Roman Bellic. "LET'S GO BOWLING!" The two humans laughed their heads off. Even Sweetie Belle found it kinda funny, despite not getting the reference.
Rarity facehoofed and sighed. "I don't even like bowling," she muttered to herself. "Anyway, I think it's time we eat, don't you?"
"Oh, shit yeah, man!" Pat agreed. "I'm starving."
Sweetie Belle clasped her hooves together next to her mouth. "Ooooooooooo!" she said. "Someone just swore!"
Rarity covered the filly's ears. "Pat! Has nohuman ever taught you not to swear at the table?" she chastised.
"Sorry," he apologized, then added, "By the way, it's nobody." Plates and bowls were shuffled about as the four decided what to eat. Rarity and Pat had salad while Sweetie Belle and Matt had soup. In contrast to the ponies' gentle eating etiquette, the humans scarfed down their food as if they hadn't eaten in millennia, finishing in mere seconds and letting out gigantic burps when they were done.
"Oh, goodness," Rarity lamented. "This is going to take a while."
Carousel Boutique, 4:30 P.M
Fast-forward four hours and Matt and Pat had completely changed, at least at the dinner table. Their manners had changed from middle-class slobs to upper-crust snobs. Instead of saying "Cool", they now said "Interesting". Instead of saying "Oh, Jesus", they now said "I say!" Instead of saying "Damn, girl, you lookin' fine tonight", they now said "You look quite nice this evening, madam". Their etiquette now had a refined elegance to it, instead of the laziness it once possessed. They also gained English accents, for some reason.
"I say, Miss Rarity, this food you've prepared is quite delicious!" Matt complimented.
"Why, thank you!" she replied.
"And I must add," Pat said, "you and your sister look quite dashing tonight."
Sweetie Belle blushed alongside Rarity and said, "Thank you! It was my flower filly dress."
"Well, my dear," Matt said, "you wear it like a glove." He put his utensils down and stood up. "I say, I am quite full, wouldn't you say Pat, old boy?"
"Oh, yes." he replied. "I think it's time to go." He stood up, pushing in his chair. "Goodbye, ladies. We'll be taking our leave now." The two went headed out the door, waving goodbye as they did.
"Goodbye, you two!" Rarity said while waving back.
When they left, Sweetie Belle said, "Wow, sis. You're a really good teacher."
"Thank you, Sweetie Belle." Rarity responded back. "I know."
Meanwhile, Matt and Pat broke down laughing outside, mocking how stupid they sounded.
After an uneventful train ride that consisted of Matt sticking his head out the window for nearly four hours straight, the candy-colored locomotive finally pulled into the station. Matt put his head back into the train and looked at the others. Twilight was dressed in a frilled lavender gown on, a crown with a starburst on it sitting on her head. Applejack wore a simple dark-green dress with maroon edges and an apple near the flank. Her trademark Stetson was now a deep red with a bow encircling it. Pinkie had a patchwork dress on, the patches either having candy on them or being some shade of pink, or both. Rainbow Dash wore a sky blue gown with lightning motifs, the edges made to look like clouds. Fluttershy had a tie dye dress on, a peace symbol near the flank like Applejack. Finally, Rarity was dressed in an immaculately white opera cape with an enormous purple collar. All of them, save Twilight, wore golden necklaces with their cutie marks as the pendants.
"You guys ready?" Matt asked.
"As we'll ever be." replied Twilight. The eight walked to the front of the train, bracing for the worst.
Pat stood next to Rarity and asked, "Man, how'd you get all these fancy clothes ready?"
"I didn't," the white mare replied. "Those dresses were all things that they already had or I already made." The ginger nodded his head in understanding. Outside, they heard all manner of chit-chat in the station, undoubtedly from paparazzi. Suddenly, that chatter was interrupted by two commanding voices.
The first one, a man, gruffly demanded, "Move, civilians! Out of the way! Royal Guard coming through!"
The second guardspony, a woman, chimed, "Hey, easy buddy! No flash photography!" Of the two, she sounded younger and less experienced. The six ponies and two humans looked supremely confused. Matt reached for the door handle, only to have it be yanked away from him as the door swung open to reveal two white pegasi dressed in gold armor.
The male was the first to speak. "Sergeant Spearhead reporting for duty, sirs!" He quickly saluted.
Next was the female. "Corporal Guardian Angel, ready for action!" She saluted as well. Matt and Pat stared at each other in mixed parts awe and bemusement. Matt decided to try something.
"Um... at ease?" he experimentally said. Their forelegs dropped synchronously like stones. Spearhead then put his hoof out. The two humans shook it.
"Pleasure to meet you two." he greeted. Spearhead then went to the other ponies and started shaking hooves with them. Matt and Pat moved on to Guardian Angel. They put their hands out and she vigorously shook them.
"Can I just say," she praised, "that it is an honor, a duty, and a privilege to be protecting you?"
"The pleasure's all ours, I guess." Pat said. The guardspony then let go and went to the Mane Six.
"With all due respect," Applejack said, "why in the heck are you two here?"
"Yeah!" Rainbow said. "We can protect Matt and Pat if things get dicey out there!"
"Nopony ever died being too careful, did they?" Spearhead replied. "Plus, me and Angel have been aching for some action ever since the Changeling coup."
"The what?" Matt asked.
Guardian Angel said incredulously, "What, you've never heard of-" She stopped herself. "Oh, right. You're not from here. Well, the Changelings are a race of creatures that can change into the form of any pony they can see. Their main source of food is love."
"How does that work?" Matt inquired.
"Well, the Changelings feed off of pure, raw emotion, and love is the purest, rawest form of emotion there is."
"What happened during the coup?" Guardian Angel relayed the story of the failed Changeling invasion that happened only a few months ago. Matt whistled in amazement.
"Well, we're not gonna get to the event telling stories now, are we?" Spearhead said. The guards then led them to the door. They took a deep breath and opened the door. The ten of them were swamped in a hurricane of flashes, questions, and camera clicks. It was like that for the whole way there.
---
Canterlot Castle Entrance, 7:00 P.M
After nearly thirty minutes of continuous media harassment, the group finally made it to the front gates of the castle. Canterlot Castle was a beautiful mix of gold, white, and purple spires and towers that loomed over them. Matt and Pat stared up in astonished wonder and grinned. They walked up to the entrance when the pegasi guarding it sharply stuck out their wings. They all groaned.
"Halt!" one demanded. "State your name, rank, and business for arriving to Canterlot Castle!"
"That won't be necessary, gentlemen," a soothing voice said. "They're here by invitation." They looked over to see an eight-foot tall alabaster alicorn step towards the gates. To her right, her shorter, midnight blue sister.
"The princesses!" they cried. All of the ponies bowed down. Matt and Pat looked around and kneeled in respect.
"Thou may rise," Luna said. They all stood up. "We understand that thou are the beings whom fell from the sky, are thou not?" The two humans nodded.
"Alright, then," Celestia said, comparatively lax to her sister. "My name is Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the sun."
"And our name is Princess Luna," she introduced, "co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the moon."
"Why is that Luna lady using 'we' instead of 'I' and speaking in ye olde English?" Matt whispered to Pat.
"She hasn't been here for a long fucking time," Pat replied.
"Also, how the fuck does raising the sun and the moon work?"
"It's a mystery."
"Whom art thou?" Luna asked.
"Oh, I'm Matt," the skull-capped man said, "and this is Pat." He gestured to the redhead.
"Well, if you'll follow us, we'll lead you to the party, if it can be called that," Celestia said. "Ladies, gentlemen." They sidestepped to let the ponies through.
The two sisters then made the happy little accident of turning around.
Time slowed to a crawl as the two best friends bore witness to those things of beauty. The incredible spheres rocked from side to side as the princesses walked, showcasing themselves before a mesmerized audience. Matt and Pat wondered they had seen anything that spectacular in their lives before, deciding they hadn't. They weren't fake, they weren't haggard, they weren't too large, they weren't too small. If anything, they were absolutely perfect. It seemed as if God himself sculpted those wonderful globes. If he did, he was one hell of a craftsman. Maybe their time spent in Equestria wouldn't be all bad.
"Dat asssssssssssss...." they moaned.
"Ahem," one of the guardsponies said, "The party, gentlemen."
They shook their heads like dogs. "Wha-huh?" they said simultaneously. "Oh, right. The party." They then followed the princesses, focusing on their behinds all the way there.
---
Canterlot Castle Main Hall, 7:10 P.M
The main hall of the castle was stuffy in more ways than one. A crowd of about two-hundred or so ponies, most of them well-dressed, uptight dicks with either English or Tidewater accents, save a few nice guys, covered the hall. Soft classical music played throughout the room. Most of them were talking about the introduction of the creatures taking place. A few had some conversations that would make Mitt Romney blush. The doors at the end of the hall then swung open, and the crowd gasped. They'd arrived.
Matt and Pat had become familiar with scrutiny since they arrived, but nothing as snobbish as this. Some put their hooves to their mouths. Others held their mouths agape, as if they'd never seen anything so hideous. Some even went to say that they wouldn't share the same country as them, let alone the same room, and turned their heads away. The few nice guys in the hall complimented their clothes. Matt turned around to the Mane Six.
"Why don't they like us?" he whispered. All of them shrugged. He turned to Celestia, who just frowned sympathetically. They walked to the end, where a number of seats and a podium sat. They all took their seats while Celestia went to the podium.
"Citizens of Canterlot, by now you've certainly heard of the two beings that fell through the skies over Ponyville. Well, I'm glad to report that they mean us no harm." The crowd sighed, relieved. "As many of you know, they are also here to introduce themselves officially to Equestria. Please don't be rude or make comments, or I'll send you to the moon myself." The crowd nervously chuckled. Luna frowned at the rather tasteless joke. "And now, Matt and Pat." Celestia stepped away from the podium and returned to her seat. Matt and Pat rose awkwardly. They walked to the podium, crossing paths with the princess along the way.
"You never told us we had to make a goddamn speech," Matt whispered to the sun goddess.
"I never said you didn't, either," she replied, smirking. The two humans grimaced, for they hated whenever someone, sun goddess or not, played that card. They then stepped up to the podium, where two hundred stares met their gaze.
"Um... hey, guys," Pat said, "I'm Pat, and this is Matt. We're, uh, two human entertainers, I guess. We don't mean to cause you any sort of harm. Um... I guess that's all I have to say." He anxiously laughed. "I never really planned for this, to be honest. So, um, any questions?" A few hooves rose in the air. Pat pointed to a light purple stallion in a top hat.
"Where are you from?" he asked.
"We're from a place called Earth," Pat answered. "It's a nice place, I guess. A few idiots running around preaching their beliefs, but what are you gonna do?" The crowd seemed to like that.
Matt selected a yellow unicorn in a polo. "You, ma'am."
"Are there more like you?" she asked.
"Seven billion more." The audience gasped. "Don't worry," Matt added, "as far as we know, there's no way that they can get to this place." He then picked a gray earth pony in the crowd.
"Are there ponies where you come from?"
"Well, yeah," Pat answered. "But they don't speak. And I don't mean that they don't speak, I mean that it is physically impossible for them to speak." There were a few rifts of conversation as the audience mulled this over. The ginger then picked a white pegasus. "Last question."
"How will you get back home?"
There was a pause as Matt and Pat considered this. "I don't know," Pat finally answered. "That's anyone's guess." The two humans sulked back to their seats as the crowd worriedly discussed this. Celestia awkwardly smiled as she went to the podium again.
"Well, that certainly was something, wasn't it?" she said.
A half-hour had passed before the party had went back to it's original atmosphere. The two best friends were still dejectedly seated in their chairs. Luna walked up to them.
"What is the matter with thou?" she asked. "Art thou not enjoying the festivities?"
"It's like ten thousand James Smalls converged in one location," Pat lamented.
"And we remembered we don't know how the fuck we're gonna get out of this joint," Matt said. Luna winced at his choice of language.
"Come now, dear Matt and Pat, tonight is not the night to focus on negativity." The moon goddess scooped them in her forearms. "Let us eat, drink, and be merry!"
"I guess we'll take you up on the drinking part," Matt said.
"Huzzah!" Luna cried. "The fun has been tripled!" She raced to the bar, where a yellow unicorn mare with neon blue mane stood at the ready. "My companions and ourselves would like-"
"Hey, bartender!" Pat interrupted. "Give me some of that disgusting booze! The most disgusting you can give me!" The bartender nodded and ducked her head behind the bar. Matt wondered how long she had to wait to earn her cutie mark. She reappeared with a bottle of "Applejack Daniels, No. 6" in her mouth. Matt swiped it from her.
Should I really be doing this? Matt thought. Should I really be getting shitfaced with my best friend and a physical deity? He thought long and hard about it while staring at the bottle.
"Fuck it!" Matt shouted to no one in particular. Matt tore off the top of the bottle and began chugging the thing down, to the chagrin of everyone that could see him, save Pat and Luna.
"WOOOOOOOO!" Pat yelled. He turned to the bartender. "Give me two more bottles of that. Royal orders."
---
Canterlot Castle Main Hall, 9:30 P.M
Two hours and about seven bottles of whiskey later, a hammered Matt and Pat were caressing a drunk Luna on the filthy floor of the hall. Everyone else had left the party in disgust, shock, or both. They wondered why Princess Luna, of all ponies, would join those two humans in a bender comparable to that of a college party before leaving them to their inebriated shenanigans.
"Hey, *hic* hey, Luna," Pat said, "I know a really *hic* fuckin' awesome sea shanty that we can *hic* sing.
What do we do with a drunken whaler
What do we do with a *hic* drunken mailer
What do we do with the Moves Like Jagger
Early in the morning?"
Matt and Luna laughed and began reciting Pat's butchered version of "The Drunken Whaler" when the doors at the end of the hall swung open to reveal a very angry Celestia.
"LUNA!" the sun goddess cried. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, greetings, dear sister!" Luna replied. "Come, join the fun!"
"What fun? You're lying on the floor, drunk as a skunk with two beings from another world at your side!"
"Oh, come now, *hic* dear sister! There is much more drinking to be had!"
Celestia facehoofed, a habit she passed down to Twilight. "I think it's time for you three to go to bed." She hoisted Matt and Pat on her back while dragging Luna with her magic out the door. The raiser of the moon clawed at the floor to no avail. Celestia schlepped the three to the Royal Bedrooms, making quite a scene as she did.
"With all due respect, your majesty," one Royal Guard asked, "why are you carrying the two creatures and Princess Luna?"
"It's better if you don't know," she replied. The guardspony rubbed his head in confusion. When they finally got to the bedrooms, it was about 10 o'clock and Celestia was dead tired. She tossed the humans off her back and let Luna drop.
"Alright, then. Matt, you sleep in Luna's room," she commanded. "Pat will be with me." Matt and Luna stood up and looked at each other with goo-goo eyes. Matt tackled Luna into her room, and much giggling, kissing, and moaning could be heard. Pat looked at Celestia in the same way. Her eyes shrank to the size of pinpricks.
"Oh, no," the sun goddess denied, "nonononononono! There's no way that I'm letting you sleep with me!"
Of course, her mind reasoned, you haven't slept with someone in ages. I can't remember the last time you did.
Shut up, brain, the other side of her mind countered.
Oh, come on! Please?
No.
Pretty please?
The physical appearance of the please makes no difference.
Alright, fine! If it'll get you to shut up, then fine!
"Ah, screw it," Celestia finally said, her mental war now over. "Pat, get ready for some cosmic lovin' right now." She brought Pat into her room.
Screams rang throughout the castle.
---
Canterlot Castle Royal Bedrooms, The Next Day, 8:30 A.M
Pat's eyesight swam as his head felt like it was torn in two. The pain screamed in his skull as he looked up, only to recoil from the sunlight. He turned away to see his clothes on the floor in a messy heap. It kinda reminded him of the time he was confused for Alex Clare. What the hell did he do last night?
On the nightstand next to him was a pair of sunglasses. He slipped them on, and heard a soothing voice in his ear.
"I know you have a hangover, so I'll talk quietly," the voice whispered, "I'll admit, you were pretty good last night. Not the best I've ever had, but still good." Pat froze as a flash flood of memories entered his mind. Matt chugging a whole bottle of whiskey at the party. Luna and himself doing the same thing. The three of them burning through seven whole bottles. The sea shanty. Celestia dragging them to their bedrooms.
"Oh, fuck," he said.
Meanwhile, Matt had just woken up and was feeling similar effects, only this time he had someone to share it with. Luna woke up, stared at him, and blushed furiously.
"Whatever did we do last night?" she wondered.
"Each other," he replied, suddenly remembering the events of last night. Luna's cheeks turned a firey crimson. He slipped into his underwear and walked into the hallway, only to see Pat in his boxers leaning on the wall, as if he was waiting for him.
"Did you..." the redhead began.
"Yeah," Matt replied. "You?" Pat nodded.
They looked around to see if anyone was there, then fistbumped.
The royal guests and the princesses came to breakfast late that day. They had argued about how to break this to everypony else. Pat thought that they should be blunt about it, while Luna wanted to avoid the topic altogether. Matt had the idea of letting them down gently, like in a break-up. They all agreed on that and went to eat. Matt and Pat entered the dining room with sunglasses in front of their eyes, shielding them from the sunlight that streamed into the room. The Princesses didn't. One of the perks of being a deity was that you didn't get hangovers. They were stuck with the memory loss, though. The table in the middle of the room was populated with various plates and trays of delicious-looking food and drink. The Mane Six were sitting the table around eating breakfast.
"Why hello, Princesses!" Twilight said. "Matt, Pat. I trust you slept well, even after what had happened last night."
"You could say that," Celestia said.
"Why are you two wearing sunglasses?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"What had happened last night," the two humans answered. They sat down and began to shovel eggs onto their plate.
"What in tarnation's with the eggs?" Applejack questioned.
"Protein helps your hangover," Matt explained. "Thank you, Walking Dead." Applejack shrugged and returned to her food. They ate in awkward silence for a few moments.
"Um, Princess," Fluttershy finally asked, "I heard a lot of screaming last night as I was going to bed. It was loud and sounded very painful. What happened? Is anypony hurt?"
Celestia sighed. "No, Fluttershy, nopony's hurt. There was a... a meeting, so to speak, between my sister and I and Matt and Pat last night."
"Well, what happened at this meeting?" Rarity inquired.
"Yeah, and what could happen at a meeting that would cause somepony to scream?" Rainbow Dash added. "I've been to meetings for weather patrol, and they're the most boring thing on the planet!"
"Well, you see, fair Rainbow Dash," Luna began, "this meeting was not a typical one..."
The Mane Six simultaneously asked, "What happened?"
"Well, it seems that, in our drunken nature," Matt said, "we, um... did the deed."
This only served to confuse them. "What?" they asked again.
"We hit a home run. We played around. We-"
"We had sex," Pat interrupted. Unfortunately for them, they were all drinking something. Liquid flew across the room as six simultaneous spit takes occurred, getting everyone drenched. Rarity's cheeks swelled as her face turned a brilliant green. There was a soft whumph sound from the end of the table.
"WHAT!?" they cried disbelievingly. Matt threw a mean jab at Pat's arm as punishment.
"I feared you'd react this way," Celestia said. "Matt, Pat, and Luna were drunk, so they had an excuse. I was sober, so I have no excuse. I'm sorry."
Applejack was the first to calm down, at least a little bit. "That's a-okay, Princess, I guess. Even the best of us need to enjoy life's more simple pleasures. Even if they're with two aliens..."
"Yeah, Princess," Pinkie added. "It's okay to have a little fun occasionally."
"I would have gone with somepony more hunky, but I guess they're good," said Rainbow Dash.
"Maybe you don't have to be so outward about it," Rarity said, a tinge of green still on her facet, "but I guess it's okay. Anything to add, Fluttershy?" No response. "Fluttershy?" The white mare looked over to find Fluttershy sprawled out on the floor, fainting after being told what had happened.
"OKAY?OKAY!?" Twilight shouted. Matt and Pat swiftly covered their ears. "HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS MAGICAL COULD THIS BE OKAY!?! TWO OF THE MOST POWERFUL BEINGS IN EQUESTRIA DID IT WITH TWO BEINGS FROM ANOTHER WORLD! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE OKAY ABOUT THAT!?" Her eyes suddenly dilated. "Oh no. Oh nonononononononono! What if word gets out? What would happen to the princesses? What would happen to me? What-"
Applejack cut in and grabbed a hold of Twilight's shoulders. "Twi, even though they're goddesses, the Princesses are still ponies like everyone else. Just because they're rulers doesn't mean they can't have fun, even if it's with two humans. Also, ain't you a vir-"
Twilight shoved a hoof in Applejack's mouth. "No! No I'm not!" She felt the heat go to her cheeks as they turned bright red. Matt and Pat began to snicker. "Stop it!" she chastised.
Celestia placed a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "My dearest Twilight, your friends are right, you know. We all need to fool around and have a little fun once in a while. It can't be all work. Even if it's a... simpler pleasure."
Twilight sighed. "I guess you're right," she conceded. A few moments after that, everyone who was conscious had calmed down, though no one ate. A few minutes of awkward silence passed before Princess Celestia decided that a subject change was in order.
"So, Twilight," she said, "have you found anything on how Matt and Pat might get out of here?"
"Oh yes, Princess," Twilight said, immediately perking up. "I couldn't go to sleep last night, partly because of all the screaming." She shivered. "Anyway, I went to the library in Canterlot for some late night studying," she said.
"Only you'd go to a library in the middle of the night because you can't sleep, Twilight," Rainbow interjected.
"Thank you for your comment, Rainbow Dash. Anyway, I was reading a book on the Discordian Reign when I stumbled upon some information that Matt and Pat might like to hear."
The two perked up their heads. "What?" they asked.
"I was tired, so I forgot to write it down. You're going to have to come with me to find out." Twilight got up from her seat. "I'm going to get some paper and quills from my room. See you at the library!" She disappeared down the hall. Matt and Pat pushed their plates away from themselves and stood up.
"Well?" Pat asked. "Are you guys coming to the library or what?" The rest of the Mane Six shrugged, then followed the two outside.
"You go on ahead," Rarity said, "I'll wake up Fluttershy." The fashionista prodded the pegasus until she stirred while everyone else left to Canterlot Library.
"What happened?" Fluttershy asked when she finally woke up. "I had this horrible dream where the Princesses told us in the middle of breakfast that they had se...se...se..."
Specks of dust caught the light and crawled around the lobby as Matt, Pat, and the Mane Six minus one entered the library. Fluttershy had to be taken to her room in shock after being told the events of last night for a second time. The yellow, green-eyed unicorn librarian poked up her head from behind her desk at the new visitors.
"Hello there!" she said. "My name is Book Smart. What can I get for you today?"
"Hi!" Twilight introduced. "We're looking for a book on the Discordian Reign. Do you have anything here for us?" Book Smart pointed over to the history section, where they found a musty, brown book titled Chaos: A History of The Discordian Reign. Twilight flipped across the pages until she found a picture of a large black arch.
"You see this?" Twilight asked. The two best friends nodded. "This is a Chaos Gate. It was a tool used by Discord, the god of chaos, during his rule over Equestria. The arch brought things from other universes to Equestria so the confusion would create more chaos. It connected with innocuous items from the universes and took their form, so that something could enter the gateway.."
Realization struck Pat like a fastball to the nuts. "The cardboard box!" he exclaimed.
"The box was a gate?" Matt cried.
"What cardboard box?" Applejack asked.
"We came to Equestria by falling into a cardboard box," Pat explained, "It sounds crazy, I know."
"Wait, really?" Rainbow questioned.
"Yeah, even I couldn't come up with something that crazy!" Pinkie said.
"Well, it must've been a gate," Matt repeated.
"How do you know there's still a gate in Equestria?" Rarity challenged.
"It says here that the gates couldn't be turned off," Twilight said, scanning the text. "Creatures still popped up even after Discord was made into a statue. It says the only way to shut a Chaos Gate down was to destroy it." The purple mare snapped the book shut. "I guess they missed one." They walked towards the check-out area, Pat holding the book.
"Did you find everything to your liking?" Book Smart asked.
"Yeah," Pat said, "it really helped us out." He handed her the book and she checked it out. Pat grabbed it back and started towards the door.
"Come on, guys," he called out, "we gotta get this to the Princess." The rest of them followed him out the exit.
"Thank you, come again!" Book Smart called back as they left. When the door shut, she then snickered. Her eyes glowed emerald. "Or we'll come for you..."
---
Badlands, 2:00 P.M
The wings of the Changeling hummed across the blazing desert as he raced to his queen. He was carrying important news for both his race and the humans. He settled softly on the ramshackle base of tents, rocks, and tables established after the defeat and banishment of Queen Chrysalis. Soldiers of both races buzzed about him in the rays of the burning sun, preparing their weapons and looking ready for war. He smiled. The mare would have her day. He eyed the queen. She was over at the commander's tent, discussing something with the white-haired human. He never really liked him. Too... what was the word... self-confident. He stepped into the tent, thankful for the heat shield.
"My liege..." he rasped, kneeling.
Chrysalis and the human looked over at him. "My apologies," the queen muttered to the human. She stepped over to the Changeling. "What is it? This had better be good."
"One of our spies in Canterlot has spotted the humans!" he cried. "They've discovered a way to escape! They're also with the mares!"
Chrysalis was taken aback. She then smirked. "Excellent..." she said, "very good." She walked over to the human. "Isn't it, Mr. Loren?"
"Of course it is," he returned.
"Will they remember you?" she asked.
"Of course they'll remember me," Loren said. "After all, they did kill me." He exited the tent and signaled the troops. They gathered into a talkative crowd, discussing what he had to say.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Loren cried, raising his arms skyward, "I have wonderful news! The two men and six mares who have, killed, shamed, and humiliated us have been found!" The whole crowd cheered.
"Yes, my friends," Loren continued, "we have been waiting for a long time for this. After so long, we finally have a chance to exact our revenge on those monsters! However, the journey to this glorious moment in time will be a long and hard one. There will be obstacles. There will be battles. Some of you may not leave this campaign with your lives." Loren heard a few gulps within the audience. "But, rest assured, the men and women who have caused us so much pain will inevitably get what their pathetic little existences deserve. And so, I ask you, mafioso, Spetsnaz, Templars, Ganados, Locust, Geth, Syndicate, Changelings, that you all rise behind me and Queen Chrysalis, so that we may have our vengeance!" The whole crowd hollered in support of him! He lifted his arms into the air once again.
"WE! WILL! KILL THEM!" Loren screamed. The whole crowd repeated his words over and over again into the desert.
A/N: Warning: super-short totally not filler chapter ahead.
Canterlot Castle Meeting Room, 2:45 P.M
"Interesting," Celestia mused, "very interesting." The sun goddess was just given the information discovered by the Mane Six and the two humans and was now sitting down with her sister and the eight to discuss the matter. They were seated in a board room-style hall, complete with a big wooden table and plastic swivel chairs. Everyone in the room was quietly brooding on the subject, save Pinkie Pie, who discovered the joys of turning around and around in a swivel chair.
"What is this madness?" Luna questioned. "Our military forces made doubly sure that every Chaos Gate was reduced to cinders, and now thou insists that thine predicament hinges upon one's existence?"
"Well, it looks like your forces missed one," Matt said with a tone wedged between William Shatner and cheesy action hero quip.
"Matt," Pat advised, "stop trying to be a big dick action movie star." Matt instantly recoiled and said, "Sorry."
"Anyway," Celestia continued, "if there is one still out there, we must find it. If we don't, who knows how long you'll be here? Maybe forever."
Matt and Pat shuddered at the thought. The idea that they would be stuck in this world that isn't even supposed to exist, withering away the sixty years they had left as aliens from another universe until they died as relative strangers terrified them deeply. They couldn't bear to think about the family, friends, and lovers (and Woolie) they'd be wrenched away from, the missed opportunities and experiences they could never have the pleasure of taking part in. They began to cry the longer they thought on their situation. Something that some of the others noticed.
"Are you guys... crying?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"No," Matt said, true to his all-American tough guy persona. "There's something in our eyes."
"Both of them?"
"This room is dusty."
"Whatever. Geez, what a cheap excuse," Rainbow said.
Pinkie stopped spinning when she heard them sobbing. The party pony somberly walked over to them with tears in her eyes and gave them a tight hug. "I'm so sorry," she said.
"Not your fault," Pat replied as himself and Matt hugged her back.
It was at that point Luna whispered into her big sister's ear, "Dear sister, what about that recently developed spell thou keeps telling us about?"
"Which one? The locator spell?" Celestia asked. The moon goddess nodded. "But it's still being tested! Who knows what will happen?"
"It is the only hope that Matt and Pat have of locating the Chaos Gate," Luna replied, "Thou must use it."
Celestia sighed. "I guess your right," she admitted. "Matt, Pat, there's something that can help us."
The two humans broke out of their funk. "What?" Pat shouted. "Don't just sit there, fucking tell us! Right goddamn now! If you've got something to to say to us, fucking say it!"
"At ease, soldier," Celestia said, "There's a spell under development by my top scientists that would let me find the general location of the gate. It would detect the magic field around the gate, because magic gravitates to magical 'hotspots', so to speak. We could then send out a few squads of guardsponies to find the gate within the area."
"THANK FUCK FOR THAT!" the best friends cried, their arms pointed skyward.
"Don't celebrate just yet," Celestia interrupted. Matt and Pat's arms drooped to their sides. "Such an undertaking would take a while, maybe two or three weeks, before the Royal Guard found anything. Also, me using the spell would be extremely draining on me because it spreads across the whole of Equestria, so I wouldn't be able to do much for a bit." There was a pause as the group weighed the pros and cons of it.
"Well, it's for the greater good," Pat argued after a while. The group nodded in assent. "So what if it takes the guards a while to find it? We can wait. We've got plenty of time. And so what if you're put out of commission for a little bit? I'm willing to bet Luna's more than capable of covering for you." Luna blushed while the rest of them added an agreeing "Mm-hm."
"Alright, I guess it's unanimous, then," Celestia said with a sigh. "I cast the spell tomorrow. After that, while the search is being conducted, you guys'll be staying here in Canterlot. We'll put together an expeditionary unit when we locate the gate. Oh, and one other thing, you two." Matt and Pat looked over in her direction.
"You'll be getting your own room," she said with a grin.
The two best friends smirked as they jokingly groaned and said, "Dammit!"
---
Badlands, 3:00 P.M
In the heat of the desert, Phillipe Loren stood on a boulder with Chrysalis as their soldiers stared up at them as if they were gods. The assorted humans and Changelings were sorted out into rows, standing with their respective factions, weapons at the ready. There was a pregnant silence as the men and women waited for their leaders to say something.
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, humans and Changelings," Loren began, "today marks the start of our great campaign!" The crowd cheered in excitement. "Today marks the start of our journey to war! Today marks the start of our vengeance!" The audience roared in sadistic pleasure. "While those monsters kill and plunder for sheer entertainment, we fought to survive! We fought to live! We fought because it was the only hope we had of seeing the morning of a new day! They are the ones who truly deserve to die! Not us!"
"As myself and Mr. Loren have said time and time again," Chrysalis continued, "this road will not be an easy one to take. There will be challenges. There will be blood. There will be times where you question if this was the right thing to do. Allow me to answer that question: Yes. Follow us, and you will have honor. Follow us, and you will have glory. Follow us, and you will have revenge. You have two choices: stay, or leave. Leave, and you will be subjected to the highest punishment for your ignominious cowardice. Stay, and rest assured, you will see those fools pay for all their sins. ARE YOU WITH ME!?" The crowd howled in agreement.
"Then MARCH!" Loren cried, pointing out into the distance. The crowd growled out various war cries as they began the long path to Canterlot. The air smelled faintly of ham where the two leaders stood.. Loren and Chrysalis watched their soldiers walk across the desert sand, the burning rays of the sun hanging overhead.
"How long will it take?" Chrysalis asked the human.
Canterlot Castle Throne Room, The Next Day, 3:30 P.M
The throne room was heavy with anticipation and nervousness as the Mane Six and the two humans waited for Celestia to cast the spell. The sun goddess sat on her throne, a bead of sweat forming on her brow. Luna sat beside her, whispering comforting words to her. A table rested nearby, an enchanted map resting on it. A pair of unicorn Royal Guards stood in front of Celestia, ready to help if anything happened.
"Oh my," Twilight anxiously said, "I hope the Princess will be okay!"
"It'll be alright, sugarcube," Applejack reassured, "the Princess'll be a-okay when this is all said and done."
"I'm just hoping the damn thing works," Pat bluntly stated. Matt nodded in agreement.
"Get ready," one of the guardsponies warned. He turned towards the Princess. "Are you ready, your highness?" The sun goddess nodded.
"WAIT!" Pinkie Pie cried. The party pony then rushed to various places around the room at near supersonic speed before returning to her spot with a tower of sunglasses balanced on her back. "I have sunglasses stashed all around Canterlot," she explained before adding, "In case of sunglasses emergencies." The other seven made a noise that sounded like "Ah- wha- huh- oh, forget it" before snagging a pair and slipping it over their eyes. Pinkie then walked up to the guards.
"Thank you, ma'am," one of them said, "but that won't be necessary." A magical glow then radiated from both of the guards' horns and enveloped their helmets, causing golden visors to fall over their eyes.
"Coooooool," Matt and Pat said in unison.
"Thanks," the other guardspony said. He turned to Celestia. "Ready, Princess?" The sun goddess nodded, before closing her eyes. A white glow emanated from the tip of her horn. It began to glow brighter and brighter, bathing the room in alabaster light. The ponies and humans shielded their eyes. Celestia began to feel more and more drained as the spell came to fruition. After what felt like an eternity, a blast of magic exploded and swiftly crawled across the ground and walls, like at the end of a movie when everything returned to normal after the villain was defeated. Celestia dropped to the ground, breathless.
"Princess!" Twilight worriedly exclaimed. The Princess' star pupil rushed to the goddess, along with the Royal Guards. Twilight kneeled down beside Celestia. "Princess!" she repeated. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she explained in between wheezing fits. "But boy, am I tired. I don't think I've done anything that strenuous in a long time."
"Is everypo- I mean, everyone alright?" one of the guardsponies asked.
"I think I've gone blind," Matt said, clutching his eyes. It was true; for the most part, all he could see was white.
The guardspony trotted up to him. "Here," he said, "this'll help." A blue glow lit the tip of his horn. The aura enveloped around Matt's head. There was a flash, and then Matt's vision was restored.
The human wiped his brow and sighed relievedly. "Oh, thank fuck," he said.
The guardspony just shrugged and humbly said, "Just doing my job." He turned to Celestia. "Speaking of which..." He trotted over to the sun goddess, her sister now standing over her.
"Will our dear sister be alright?" Luna asked.
"She'll be fine, Princess," the guard replied, "she's just tired is all." He bent down to eye level with Celestia. "Is there anything we can do for you?"
"Carry me to my room," she replied with a tone almost sounding whiny. "I'm so very tired." The two guardsponies looked at each other, bewildered, then simply shrugged and hoisted the Princess over their backs.
"I would make a comment about weight here," one of the guards said, "but that'd just be in bad taste." The remaining men and women in the room watched them carry Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the sun, to the Royal Bedroom.
"How ignominious," Pat said. "For her, I mean."
All of a sudden, there was a shimmering noise coming from the enchanted map. It had a spell cast on it that synched with the detection spell, so that way it could show the radius in which the spell located the Chaos Gate. The group rushed over to the table. On the map, a purple ring of light flared up near the top of the map, which Matt and Pat could only assume was north.
"The thingy seems to be in..." Matt observed, tracing his finger towards the label on the map, "the Frozen... North."
There was a pause as the information sank into Matt and Pat's heads. They tried to say something, but all that could come out of their mouths was a single, scared "Fuck."
"Relax thine selves," Luna said. "This situation could be worse. You could be forced to journey into the depths of Tartarus."
"Well, it could also be a lot better," Pat said.
"Calm down, you guys," Twilight interjected. "Princess Celestia said that the Royal Guard wouldn't find anything for the next two or three weeks. We'll have plenty of time to prepare before then."
Matt sighed. "If you say so." He walked to his room with Pat.
"Um," Luna awkwardly said after a pause, "we will go signal the troops." She walked out of the room as well, leaving the Mane Six by themselves.
---
Canterlot Castle, The Next Week, 4:00
The days seemed to slow to a crawl as the two humans waited for something from the Royal Guard. They were sick to their stomachs with dreadful anticipation. They seemed to lose their drive over the week, partly because of their journey ahead of them, and partly because of the monotony. Every day it was the same thing: wake up, eat breakfast, go to room, wait until lunch, go to room, wait for dinner, sleep, repeat. There were also the reporters; despite the events of weeks past, they still hadn't gotten the message. Daily, almost hourly, it seemed, some intrepid journalist came knocking on their door, only for the door to be shut in their faces.
"Shutterfly here from the Manehattan Tribune, would you-" SLAM.
"My name is Headliner, reporter for the New Shropshire Times-" SLAM.
"Paparazzo of the Hoofington Post-" SLAM.
And so it went, day after day, without fail. Until one day, that was.
To use a cliche, it had started out like any other day. Matt and Pat were lying down on their beds, depressed as all hell, when a guard knocked on their door.
"There's somepony here to see you," the guard said. The two humans glanced at each other.
"Fine, I'll do it," Pat said while getting up from his bed. He reluctantly walked over to the door and slowly opened the door. Outside, there was the guardspony standing next to a pegasus mare with a giant mailbag slung over her side. Pat's eyes went wide.
"Hello there!" she called out. "I have some mail for you!"
"Uhhhhhhhhh..." Pat said.
"You have quite a bit of mail here, mister. You and your friend are quite famous around Equestria!"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh... we know, I guess."
"Well, I'm just gonna drop this off here." She dropped the mailbag at Pat's feet. "Goodbye! It was nice meeting you!" She happily trotted off.
"Uh, yeah... bye, Derpy." Pat picked up the mailbag and closed the door. He carried it over and dropped it on his bed.
"What's that?" Matt asked.
"This," Pat answered, "is our mail." Matt whistled in awe.
Matt went over to the mailbag and began rooting through it. "Might as well do something while we're stuck here," he said in response to Pat's questioning look.
"Fair enough," Pat said in return. The two humans began sorting through the mass of letters and packages.
"Fan letter, fan letter, death threat, creepy-ass fan letter," Matt said while pulling out mail.
"The hell is this?" Pat asked. He pulled out a medium-sized box. Pat weighed it. It felt kind of heavy. He looked at the return address. It read "System Shock, 1982 Generation Way, San Franciscolt, Equestria."
"What do you think it is?" Matt asked.
"With a name like System Shock," Pat replied, "it has to be good." He opened the box to find a black, plastic console with "HS3" on the top. On top of the console, there was a letter. Pat picked it up and read it aloud.
"To the two humans,
Hello. I have heard quite a bit about you. One of those things that I've heard is that you two have a love of video games. I myself have an affinity for them as well. I was named after one. I happened to have my Haystation 3 lying around. I barely use it anymore, so I decided to donate it to a worthy cause; that cause being you two. But what is a console without games to play on it? Fear not, for I have that covered. Included with the Haystation is a copy of Maretal Kombat Nine. I hope you get as much mileage out of it as I did.
Sincerely,
System Shock"
Pat looked into the box. Sure enough, in the letter's place was a copy of Maretal Kombat Nine. He looked at Matt, and the two grinned. Pat opened the door to the guard posted outside.
"Dude," he said, "get us a TV."
---
One And A Half Hours Later
"Remind me why we're here again?" Twilight asked. Her and her friends were gathered in Matt and Pat's room, huddled around a TV.
"We're gonna play some vidyagames," Pat replied.
"Really?" Applejack said. "Vidyagames? Almost non' of us 're interested in that kinda thing. The only one of us that likes that is Dash." She pointed to the pegasus - at least, the spot where she was. Rainbow had already went over to Matt and Pat, sitting down and eagerly waiting to play.
"What're we playing, guys?" the rainbow mare asked.
"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARETAL KOOOOOOOOOOOOOMBAT!" Matt shouted, thrusting his hands in the air.
"Awesome!" Rainbow exclaimed. "Let's go! I'm ready to kick some flank!" At her request, Pat got up and turned the Haystation on. After a few moments, they were at the title screen. It was pretty much identical to the human version of the game: Scorpion crouched, ready to break Sub-Zero's jaw. Twilight's eye twitched at the glaring spelling mistake in the title.
"Um..." the lavender unicorn began.
"It's supposed to be like that, Twi," Rainbow explained.
"But-"
"It was the Neighties. Things like that happened." Rainbow turned back to the TV. Matt hit the start button on the controller; System Shock had been considerate enough that he got two controllers designed for claws, as well as a controller for ponies. The game went to the main menu, and the first thing the other ponies saw of Maretal Kombat Nine was a vicious uppercut from Scorpion to Sub-Zero, complete with x-ray so they could see the damage done.
"Th- that's horrible!" Twilight stammered, echoing the feelings of the other non-gamers in the room.
"Sets the mood quite nicely, don't you think?" Pat snarked in return. The human navigated the menus until he was at the versus screen.
"Alright, who's going first?" Rainbow asked.
"I say me and Pat," Matt said.
"Why's that?" The gamer mare questioned.
"So we can show our skill at this game, man!" Pat explained before adding, "And plus, you'll be able to study our bomb-ass moves."
"I guess that's fair," Rainbow said after some deliberation. Pat went to the character select screen. Himself and Matt automatically knew what characters they were gonna pick. Matt picked the all-American (or, in this case, all-Equestrian) bruiser Jax, in this incarnation a dark brown earth pony with cybernetic legs. Pat went for the, in his words, "invisiblessed" reptilian ninja aptly named Reptile. Here, he was an acid green dragon in a ninja gi. They selected their stage and went to war.
"Round one... FIGHT!" the game exclaimed. Matt went in for a jumping kick, but he was countered with an uppercut from Pat. Matt threw some projectiles at Pat, each and every one blocked before Pat closed in for a brutal combo. He then used some of Reptile's EX projectiles to play a ranged game. Pat did this for nearly the remainder of the match until the end, where he used a throw just to spite Matt.
"Oh, what the fuck, man?" Matt cried when the round came to a close. "What the fuck was that bullshit?"
"It's called zoning," Pat smugly replied. Matt gritted his teeth and clutched the controller tighter. Rainbow observed Matt and had recognized that he had become angry, and if she knew one thing, it was that you never fought a gamer that was angry.
"Round two... FIGHT!" the game shouted. This time, Matt didn't hesitate to go in and beat the shit out of Pat. He first threw a jumping punch, then did a basic combo. Pat tried to get in using Reptile's slide, but Matt blocked it and threw out his X-Ray. He had gotten the meter during Pat's maelstrom of projectiles. Jax grabbed a hold of Reptile and tossed him into the air before catching him and bringing him down on his knee, shattering his spine and rupturing his internal organs. The non-gamers gasped in shock. Unsurprisingly, Fluttershy began to cry. Rainbow rolled her eyes at them. Matt then did a few more combos, interspersed with some projectiles, until Reptile fell to the ground.
"YEAH, ASSHOLE!" Matt triumphantly cried. "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE IT?"
Pat just groaned. "It's just a game, man," he said, though there was a dangerous edge to his voice.
"Wh- why w- would so- somepony make something so h- horrible like t-this?" Fluttershy stuttered out through tears.
"Because there are some of us out there that enjoy inflicting pain on virtual characters," Matt replied. The answer did nothing to help Fluttershy's mood. She continued sobbing while burying her face in Applejack's chest. The earth pony hugged the pegasus while shooting the human an intense glare. If looks could kill, Applejack's scowl would have tore Matt's lungs out and force fed them to him.
"Round three... FIGHT!" the game barked out for the last time. With both of them in a sufficiently pissed off mood, the final match was particularly rush-heavy. Both of them went in for a jumping kick, only to knock each other out of the sky, sending them flying backwards. They got up, only for Matt to use a ground-pound, hitting Pat into the air. Matt leapt up towards Pat and used his mid-air throw on him, essentially performing a smaller version of Jax's X-Ray. Pat got up and immediately used Reptile's X-Ray, a move which Matt was unprepared for. Reptile turned invisible and ran up to Jax, clutching his jaw before shoving two fingers into his eyes. The group, even Rainbow, winced. Reptile then grabbed the back of Jax's head and snapped his neck, the x-ray displaying it in all its brutal glory. Finally, as a sort of coup de grâce, the dragon punted the cyborg pony in the rib cage. Not one to be outdone, Matt, despite having only a sliver of health left, threw out a surprisingly long combo, taking away a massive chunk of Pat's life.
This was it. The two were running on pixels. They began to shuffle about, both of them anticipating each other to throw out a move. Matt and Pat were utterly focused on the screen. Finally, after what felt like a small eternity and with mere seconds on the clock, Pat tried to catch Matt off guard with a slide. Matt quickly reacted, jumping up into the air so Pat slid under him, and threw out a neutral jumping punch.
That was it; the fight was over in an instant. Pat gawped at his loss while Matt simply smiled. There was a flurry of button presses on his controller and the background turned to black as the Fatality began. Jax stood up on his hind legs and beat a dazed Reptile into the ground, stopping when he got to his arms. Jax got back down and turned around. He bucked once, then twice, sending Reptile's head flying into the air and Fluttershy into hysterics. She quickly flew out of the room; almost Rainboom-quick. The others fired sneers at the skull-capped human.
"What?" Matt said defensively. "It's not like it actually happened."
Meanwhile, Rainbow was busting a gut, banging her hooves on the floor. "Oh man," she said, wiping a tear from her eye, "Fluttershy was just p-perfect!"
Twilight facehoofed. "I'm friends with a sociopath..." she lamented.
"Well, I'm done," Pat said before wordlessly getting up and moving to the back of the room. Rainbow walked over to the Haystation, unplugged Pat's controller, and inserted the pony controller. She sat back down and cracked her wings.
"Let's see how high and mighty you are when you get a taste of my skills!" Rainbow boasted. The two fighters went back to the character select. Matt stuck with Jax, confident he could take Rainbow on with him, despite eking out a win with barely any life left. Rainbow selected the warrior princess Kitana, here a cerulean pegasus with a mask that covered the lower half of her face and a pair of fans. The two selected their stage and went to war.
At the beginning of the first match, Rainbow immediately threw out Kitana's fans, nailing Matt in the chest. She then used her Square Boost to get in. She then threw out an insanely long combo utilizing multiple specials and EX moves, taking away nearly all of Matt's health. Matt muttered random things and cursed under his breath trying to steer the fight in his favor, but alas, it was not to be. Jax collapsed to the ground, defeated. Matt stared at Rainbow in shock. In the back of the room, Pat grinned.
"You ready to give up?" she asked, smirking.
"W-whatever," the human stuttered, "that was just beginner's luck."
"Call it what you want, Matt, I still beat you."
The next round fared slightly better for Matt. He was the one to first get a lick in, taking away a chunk of Rainbow's health. The pegasus simply smiled and went in for a mix-up, allowing her to combo again. Like last time, Matt went straight for the X-Ray on wake-up. Unfortunately for him, Rainbow blocked it. Matt grunted while Rainbow threw out her X-Ray. Kitana threw both of her fans at Jax, slicing into his body. She then teleported behind him, grabbed the fans, folded them, and jammed them in the back of his skull, the x-ray showing all the gory detail. Kitana then teleported in front of Jax, yanked out the fans, and shoved them in his eye sockets. Matt's health depleted to nothing, and the fight was done. Rainbow pressed numerous face buttons and d-pad directions and started the fatality. Kitana pushed Jax, somehow making him stand on his hind legs. Kitana copied him and whipped out her fans. She sliced his forearms off, leaving bloodied nubs in their place. Kitana then cut across Jax's face, severing his head in half and leaving the lower jaw intact and the tongue flopping about. She crossed her arms and posed dramatically.
"Kitana wins... FATALITY!" the game yelled. Matt glared at Rainbow. She met his gaze and held it for a few seconds before busting out laughing.
"What's so funny?" Matt asked.
"You- you take this so seriously!" Rainbow said through laughter.
Matt smiled a little. "Yeah, well, video games are serious business, you guys."
"Yeah man, totally," Pat said. "We gotta be MLG LEGIT!"
"Four-twenty swagzorz fo life, bro!" Matt mockingly said.
"Super leet one-v-one!"
The two humans laughed the night away.
---
Dodge City, 6:45 P.M
"It has been a week into our journey, and what a surprising journey it has been. My squad and I have been marching towards the place called "Canterlot", where it has been observed that the two humans who ended my life have taken refuge. Loren and Chrysalis says that only when they have been killed will we know peace. I hope I am the one to take their lives, as they did mine. But, then again, I am probably not the only one with that fantasy.
We have found a place to spend the night, a town called Dodge City. It reminds me of an American Wild West town. Funnily enough, a tumbleweed rolled past me as I entered the town. The locals seem afraid of us. It is understandable. Some of them have taken arms against us. I was forced to shoot one of them, a mare, on Chrysalis' orders to make an example. I do not take pride in that fact. But, if it means that I can get to the two, I will do as they please.
The Changelings are strange. They always are performing some feat of magic to transform into something. They're currently practicing how to transform into humans, with varied success. Some have transformed into pony-like creatures with human extremities, others transform fully but can only hold it for a few seconds. I do not care much for them; they have an unsettling quality about them. They look like bugs; I hate bugs.
I'm already having second thoughts about this. Loren has taken death very hard, which is reasonable. However, he takes out his anger on the soldiers. I think he's gone insane. Chrysalis, on the other hand, does not seem to care about the two humans, not even the six mares she keeps telling us about. I suspect that there's something- or someone- else driving her, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's this "Celestia" character she constantly rants about. Whenever she talks about her, she has a certain edge to her voice, a spiteful edge. It seems that she wants to kill her, more than anything."
"Glukhovsky!" a voice outside hollered. "Get rid of the body!"
He sighed. "Yes, sir," he said. Sergeant Dmitry Glukhovsky, year of death September 1964 in Tselinoyarsk, Russia, scribbled down a few last notes in his diary before going outside to stow the limp, lifeless, bloodied body of Cherry Jubilee.
This is the end... hold your breath and count to ten...
Ladies and gentlemen, it truly pains me to say this, but I am now cancelling this story. I didn't really know where I was planning to go with this, and I don't want to follow through on something that I didn't really enjoy writing. There's nothing really interesting about this story.
Despite this, I am going to make an offer. Those of you who don't want to see this story end will be able to continue it in their own story. You have the options of either copy-pasting the first twelve chapters into your own story (something I really don't recommend you do), or start on your own. If you want to do this, post a comment saying such. Should your writing skills be up to scratch, I will PM you and give you permission to pen your version of this story. Good luck to you all.
Oh, and just because I'm stopping this story doesn't mean I'm gonna stop writing fanfics altogether. I'm writing a new, actually thought out crossover, and it'll involve a certain blue Boy Scout.
