They Do What?!
"Yet another resplendent night. We are sure the citizens of Equestria shall enjoy it to its fullest!" Luna said, shouting her declaration off her balcony tower. A lone guard stood with her, nodding while he looked up at the stars.
For about a year now, this guard accompanied Luna out on her balcony after she finished raising the moon. The balcony was his section of the castle to watch over in the night, and ever since he had received the post his guard duty had become dull. He had hoped seeing the Princess on such a normal basis would help liven things up, but that was not the case at all. Every night it was the same routine: she would walk out onto the balcony, raise the moon, make the same declaration she made every night, and then stare out at the night sky before returning to her quarters.
The guard decided he was done with the same old routine night in and night out. For once, he thought, it would be nice to stir the pot a little. Just to break the monotony a little, he decided to ask one, small, unimportant question he had been harboring.
"Excuse me, Princess?" the guard said, calling for Luna's attention. She turned and looked at once, surprised that the guard who had been a silent observer for years finally said something. She stared at him, wondering if he was going to go on. "Can I ask you a strange question?"
"Seeing as thou hast already given us such a strange query, we are willing entertain one more." The Princess of the Night waited patiently for her guard to continue. The guard, on the other hand, wasn't quite as sure about asking his question as he was a few seconds ago. The Princess was waiting now, so there was no way he couldn't not ask a question. He considered changing his question, but he couldn't think of one off the top of his head. He decided just to go ahead and follow through with his plan.
"You come out here every night and say that the citizens of Equestria will enjoy the night 'to its fullest,' but what exactly do you mean?" he asked. Luna smiled a devious smile, communicating that she knew exactly how to answer that question.
"The answer to your query is this, noble guard: the nighttime is the only time two very special someponies can partake in the most sacred of acts," Luna replied. The guard had to process what Luna had said for a moment, but once he had it figured out it showed on his face as his eyes got wide.
"Oh... oh! Y-you're talking about... about," the guard stuttered. Luna just nodded slowly and smiled.
"That is correct. For most ponies, the night is merely a peaceful respite, but those mares and stallions happy enough to be bound to their lover it is much more. Within the darkness and away from the prying eyes of others, they can escape and express their devotion for one another!" Luna shouted her explanation off her balcony. The force of her voice caused several blackbirds to take flight and a few clouds overhead to part. She returned to staring out over Canterlot's night skyline in silence. She breathed deep from the night air.
"Oh," the guard said after a few seconds of silence. He shuffled his hooves a bit before looking out over the horizon himself. "I guess that's true." He joined Luna in admiring the scenery for a while, but he slowly felt the atmosphere growing a bit awkward. He reluctantly turned and looked at Luna, who was already staring at him. "Umm... yes, your majesty?"
"What dost thou mean, 'I guess'?" she asked. Luna turned towards the guard, looming over him just a little. "How wouldst thou contest that my statements are, in fact, not true? Answer me this, guard." The guard stumbled over his words for a bit.
"I-I wouldn't say you're wrong, your majesty!" the guard replied. Luna narrowed her eyes, not buying what he was selling.
"Thou art retaining some parcel of information from us. Speak it now!" Luna made it clear that her demands for the guard were absolute. He regretted ever speaking up.
"Well, it's just that... it's just that the nighttime isn't the only time ponies... that ponies..."
"Copulate?"
"Yes, that. It isn't really an activity that takes place exclusively at night," the guard said. Luna continued to star at him through narrowed eyes. She snorted and tossed her mane.
"Preposterous," she said, turning back to the balcony and glaring into the distance. It wasn't the reaction the guard was expecting, but it was sure a lot less painful than he imagined.
"It's true. Haven't you ever heard of afternoon delight?" the guard asked. Luna turned to him and looked at him like somepony might look at a very stupid pony.
"What is this 'afternoon delight' that thou speakest of?" Luna went ahead and asked, but it occurred to her very quickly what the guard just might be talking about. "Do you mean to say there are ponies who partake in the pleasures of the flesh whilst the sun is about to set? We cannot believe our subjects would be so imprudent and... and impatient."
"Well, I wouldn't say impatient," the guard said. Luna furrowed her brow and started stomping towards him. "I-I just mean that I don't think anypony thinks that... that activity-"
"Copulation."
"Whatever you want to call it! I just don't think anypony thinks it's exclusively for the nighttime."
Luna snorted and stared down at the guard, making him nervous enough to curse his own ability to speak. She thought and thought and thought about all she had heard. She stared the guard up and down, trying to determine whether or not he could be any sort of authority on the subject of when ponies like to get it on.
"Just because some ponies, ponies who are probably newlyweds and overly eager, decide to earn their pleasure a little before the sun has fully set does not mean anything. They are most likely the same sort of ponies who do not awaken at our sister's first light. No pony would dream of entering the throes of ecstasy while our sister's day is in full glory." Luna finished her speech with a resolute nod and wandered back to the edge of the balcony.
The guard had more to say, but he didn't dare say one word. If he knew asking that question was going to lead to an argument about Equestria's citizen's preferred time to do the nasty, he would've just asked her about the weather. He kept his mouth shut.
Luna turned back and looked at her now silent guard. His expression betrayed his inner conflict. She could see it written all over his face that he had more to say. Being a Princess, she could easily tell when somepony was holding their tongue. Normally, she could let it go, but Luna couldn't let this issue drop. She couldn't imagine how this guard got such twisted views of her kingdom's private behavior.
"What is on thy mind, guard? We would like to know." Luna waited for the guard to speak up, but he did no such thing. He fixed his gaze onto the distant horizon and pretended to be deaf. Luna did not like being ignored. "We command thou to speak!" Luna ordered in the highest decibel of the Royal Canterlot Voice she could manage. The order was accompanied by several bolts of lighting and cracks of thunder. The guard's armor rattled as she shook in fear.
"It's just that ponies... do... do it in the middle of the day... and the morning. It's really not that strange," he said, but this only made Luna angrier. She levitated off the ground in a vortex of wind and floated towards him, her eyes glowing with unbridled fury.
"Thou art just a foal! What dost thou know of satisfying one's carnal desires? Art thou wed, guard?" Luna questioned.
"N-n-n-no!" The guard was whimpering at this point, huddling down into his armor and doing a very believable impression of a turtle.
"Thus, thou knowest not of what you speak! So hold thy tongue until thou art queried on matters thou can speak intelligently of!" Luna's wrath was causing dark clouds to gather directly over the castle. Even in the darkness and even as he hid behind his armor, Luna could still see in his eyes that he still had something more to say. The very thought of his continued defiance enraged her. She picked up the poor guard and pinned him against the wall. "Thou still hast more to speak of? Choose thy words carefully lest you incur our wrath further!"
The guard swallowed the enormous lump in his throat and spoke what he hoped were not going to be his final words.
"It's j-j-just that, I have done it before," he said.
"But thou said thou art not wed!" Luna reminded him. "Dost thou mean to say that thou... with unwed mares... thou... thou-"
"Copulate?"
"That! But with unwed mares? What breed of sinful demon are you?" Luna raised the frightened guard even higher off the ground.
"I-I'm not the only one! I swear!" the guard said, convinced that Luna was going to kill him.
"Luna? Pray tell, what is going on?"
Luna and the Guard turned and looked to the entrance of the balcony. None other than the Princess Celestia was poking her head out and observing the scene. Luna looked back up at the guard momentarily. He looked down at her.
"Leave us!" she commanded him. She dropped him onto the ground and went back to looking out over the balcony. "We have much to discuss with our sister!"
The guard wasted no time in bolting past Luna, past Celestia, and out of Luna's quarters entirely. He no longer wanted a job that would bring him into daily contact with the Princess of the Night. In fact, he didn't even want to see the moon or the night sky again. Part of him wished it would never be night again.