> Misadventures In Equestria > by werebrony > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > The Day I Learned to hate my choice of freinds > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- You all know the saying "ounce you gone brony you aint neva goin' back?" no of course not. Only I THOUGHT that. but apperently ounce you wished not to be because two of your best freinds wanted all bronies in the world dead you would want to play for the other team. Hell I did when I wished for it. My good freind Alex Wallace. He shall be know as Wallace because my other freind Alex Hufstetler ( i really butchered that name everytime). Will be Alex. So Alex and Wallace wanted some cool superpowers. Wallace wanted nothing to see all bronies burn in various different ways because to this day i think he is Pinkimena's distant cousin that was adopted. I love how this Family tree thing works. You NEVER know what kind of a psychotic freind I managed to land. He wanted to lynch his little brohter whos 12 years old for watching the show but man is he a real fun guy to be around goofing off in class. I DIGRESS So he watched as thousands of bronies died and I was going to tell him there where Pega-sisters but he would wish I was one so he could watch me burn. His logic scares me sometimes. Moving on to Alex with an H. He wanted to DESTROY the world of My Litle Pony and that is why they are pissed off at me. I told them not to wish for anything but no they did and now we are in the middle of Ponyville being chased by the Solar Guard and I am having a geekin' nerdgasm at what was happening. I WAS IN A FREAKIN" CARTOON. MY LITTLE PONY NON THE LESS!!! So after a while we ditched the guards and they looked really scary in real life now that I mention it. Next thing we know Princess Celestia was waiting for us in her throne room. I was still having a nerdgasm at what the hell was going on. I kept thinking to myself "SQUEE!! EQUESTRIA NO REAKING WAY!!!" yes i was that excited. pretty soon I realized Wallace was ready to shank me with a spoon and Alex was ready to beat me to death with his shoe. They told me while we were escorted through Canterlot. So we meet Celestia and NO she does not like bananas. I don't think that the memes are that accurate although she does seem to like pineapples. Go firgure. Luna was present as well. SQUEE! another nerdgasm raced through my body as my hater freinds looked at me like I was clinically insane. I probally was because I was jumpyer then Pinki at a coffe shop. Now the only thing we needed where the Mane Six. Just like that my greatest geekdum was complete. As if by MAGIC, Twilight, Pinki, Rarity, Rainbow and Apple Jack showed up. Probally because Celestia thought we were one of Discord's creations and boy was Twilight curious about us. She never shuts up I tell ya. I would rather read the phone book than listen to her nagging questions. SERIOUSLY I WOULD, not really. maybe. She was asking all about us. She liked me because I was the only one out of the three of us not to cuss her out or make vulgar slurs. So she just cast a spell and litereally zipped their lips. I was impressed. I thought that the guards were going to get throttled when she did that. I have expected Alex H to flip shit let alone Wallace. So when Twilight was satisfied with all one hundred questions (I counted) she simply nodded and Luna began her round of 20 Q's. I didnt think that her Canterlot Voice was that loud!. Blasted my eardrum and made it bleed. Luckily DOC CELESTIA TO THE RESCUE. If she gives up being a princess when she retires (if she ever does) she would make a great doctor. I didnt feel a thing. I DIGRESS. So after all was asked and answer I have expected her to send us to the moon for what both of my freinds did. It all started when Wallace started to chase somepony around the town while Alex H tried to cause a massive inferno of Twilight's tree-library. He also wrote his name in all of the ponys' houses with his piss. With all the charges calculated in my head I decided to stop them, By going to the local guard. Who began to immediatly chase all us just because we weren't ponies. Chances of being sent to the moon: Very likely. Chances of me turning into a pony so my friends can't call me a horse-fucker?: priceless So I was ready to piss my pants when Celestia surprised us with two options. Option one: Banishement... To the Moon. /)_- Option Two: Assimilate into pony society and become ponies of our choosing. The answer was quite obvious.To this day I do not know how the hell they were going to use magic without killing themselves to turn three guys into ponies. So Luna, Twilight, Rarity, and Celestia channeled their magic to make this possible. I dont know about you but at the time I didnt quite consult with my freinds because they didnt have a say in the descion making because Twiilight didn't unzip their lips. So when the blinding light of blinding was thankfully over I looked shorter and thought "NO freaking way." I asked for amirror and rarity pulls one out of Pinkie's mane and levitates it over to me. Yup I squeed for the 5th time ladies and gentlemen. I was a blaze orange pegasus with mane that looked as if it was ablaze as well my eyes with a tint of blue. I nearly died laughing as I saw my freinds' reactions when they stared at each other. Alex H was a greyish colored pegasus with a black mane and eyes that were black as night. Wallace was something I could not comprehend. He was a black coated pegasus with a bit of pink around the belly ( Pink Floyd conspiracy?) and his eyes glowed green with hatred. Both stared at me with intense hatred as I coniued laughing to death with Pinkie alongside me. Celestia informed us that we were to learn from the Mane 6 about pony society while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were to teach us how to use our wings. I am not going to lie I love RD personally so when Alex H lifted a hoof (before he fell on his face) to ask for RD I jumped right next to her and called dibs. Wallace just shook his head disappointedly and we all went out to the train to Ponyville. LET THE SHENANIGANS COMMENCE!!! [ Guys this fic was made to be random so that is why most of this will be horribley written just bear with me and I will tell my tale of how pissed off my friends will be when /i] > Day One and Nothing is Destroyed...yet > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would like to point out this was in no way a troll about bronies. Its solely trolling my friends for the brony remarks they make about me. THIS one for you Alex H and Alex W!!! _---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So it's day one and I am having the time of my life! No bullshit to deal with and I get to witness my friends "adjusting to Ponyville. Life can be too sweet sometimes. Me Alex and Wallace did not have cutie marks. We didn't care if we were strange. We were strange to begin with. So Fluttershy suggested we try taking care of animals. That idea could have gone better. We were at her cottage for about an hour before Wallace discovered some Poison Joke Fluttershy kept in a jar under the floorboards. I still don't know why Wallace was even doing with said floorboards. He always did say to have a nice barbeque that afternoon. Aw Fuck. I made a dash into the main room to find Wallace sneaking some of the Joke into Angel's food. Wallace thought he was killing the poor thing but that backfired. Instead of a dead bunny he got a bunny that sung like a soprano singer. I found this quite humorous in fact. Fluttershy was busy with controlling the other animals Wallace slipped her animals. I felt sorry for the shy Pegasus and threw some of the joke on Wallace. Only to hit Alex in the face. Which turned him into an inflatable ballon. I could help but laugh at my friends missfortune serves him right. Well soon the Joke was all gone and the last of it hit poor Fluttershy. I bolted from the room knowing what would happen next. Alex and Wallace only watched as a baratone Fluttershy shouted them down and gave them the Stare. I dealt it from outside and it is not pleasent. I loved watching them both piss themselves too. We all agreed to go to lunch. As we were passing a diner I heard a familiar Diva's sing song voice call out. "Oh Jakey-Wakey! Come here darling." I stopped dead in my tracks and Alex walked into me followed by Wallace yelling out profanity. "Oh why hello Rarity!" I put on a damn good British accent. "Care to dine with me and Twilight for a while?" Rarity asked I looked back to my friends "free lunch?" "Free lunch!" They agreed. We sat down and made some small talk with Rarity and Twilight. " Oh how dreadfulit must have been to have gotten Poison Joke at you Alex." Rarity cried out. "Not as bad as when..." I cut Alex off before he relieved that memory "So Rarity I heard you are designing a new dress line for the Fall?" Greatest way to distract her. I was glad she was talking to the other two while I had an intelligent conversation with Twilight. I explained physics to her. She told me how Pinkie Pie broke every single concept. She explained magic to me. I explained to her technology. "Foods here!" Wallace pointed out. I ordered a spinach salad no dressing with melted cheese and some carrots. Wallace ordered plain bread due to not eating horse feed. Next thing I hear is Alex shouting profanity. "What the $&$% is this!!!" He got a daisy and hay sub. As he flopped shit I realized we needed to pay for food from now on. Lunch passed with no further interruptions and we decided. And I mean I decided we should get jobs. That idea didn't go over too well with my friends. At all. > You know when i said nothing went wrong today? Yeaaaa that was a lie... > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This story has not been touched in over a year... let's change that... I have not been slacking at all its just I am too damn lazy to remember to write and I have no purpose other than to get attention so I digress... It was later that after noon that we decided to get jobs. Yes jobs. We were flat broke and living with the Apples because they needed extra farmhands...hooves...whatever... to help with the harvest. We were not the most motivated of groups but Granny Smith did make a mean pie, and soup...Mostly the pie. So before I go into working for the Apple's I want to talk about Rainbow Dash for a minute. I MAY have pissed her off by making her crash into her Cloud house. I swear on Luna's Ass that it WAS ALL WALLACE'S FAULT. The guy decided that flying a pig around was the best idea ever. He kind of stole one from Applejack's farm to begin with. So while Rainbow Dash is teaching us the basics of flying Wallace and Alex are having a sweet time plotting the destruction of something... her house was the nearest thing... So Rainbow Dash taught us how to fly first off and it took a few hours but we did pretty well. Then they tried making a tornado and causing lightning to strike buildings which in turn caught on fire and then the tornado became a Firenado and then there was traveling circus with dancing and singing sharks... then it became a fire-sharknado and then all hell broke loose... Literally. Alex stole a spell book and muttered an incantation and raised Cthulu from the deep... so yea... Something did go wrong today after all. So we kind of blew up half of surrounding area. No casualties except for sharks who nearly died while flying through the air... So that was around, what? two in the afternoon? something like that.... We get to Sweet Apple acres around 3 because we sort of broke a few laws: destruction of private and public property, arson, grand arson, bribery, corruption of a minor (Wallace said horse cock to a school filly and proceeded to mentally scare the kid for life by pretending to rape Alex), indecent exposure, prostitution (apparently demonstrating that in public is illegal), what else did that guard say? Oh yea he also rang up, racketeering, theft, grand theft, grand theft carriage, terroristic threats, attempted homicide (apparently playing darts hasn't been invented in Equestria... or the crossbow... or William Tell...), and finally breaking and entering (and leaving prison). So we said these are not the colts you are looking for and he bought it. Speech skill 100!!! Where was I? oh right on to Sweet Apple Acres! So we got to SAA (also a math term...google it...its real trust me) and we were greeted by Big Mac plowing the new orchard.... Then Wallace made a sex joke about plowing only his own fields... Big Mac calmly walked up to him and stared down into him. Wallace just put on a goofy smile to match the cold stare. The next thing I know is BM open his mouth and uttered those famous words of his... "Eeup, that's what your ma said last night too." Wallace dropped his ears and hung his mouth off to the side. Me and Alex were laughing at our friend and how much of a dumbass he looked right there. We then helped around the farm by picking up apples that didn't come off the tree. after 2 hours we only had to pick off one tree. Applejack's legs are probably made of titanium or something like that. So we all came in for dinner. We were all siting at the table and Granny Smith places apples on our plates. They were all generic apples... seriously? Do they only eat hay, grass and apples around here? So then I See Applebloom take a quick glance at my flank and look away. Now normally I have little kids back on earth stare at me because I have a slightly larger nose or something like that...It was a dodge ball injury... kid got angry at me and slams the ball in my face at point blank range. I digress... So while Wallace was enjoying some other jokes with Big Mac and Alex was having a somewhat decent conversation with Applejack, I was stuck with the CMC... great... "So mista' Jake, how come ya don't have yer Cutie Mark yet?" asked the annoying yellow question maker. "Is it because ya haven't found yer special talent yet?". For the record I do have a talent but if I told her about it I would most likely end up in prison and have a criminal record.... I pirate DVDs off the Internet... So I told her that I don't have one because I am not from this world and she seemed to buy it for a second. Then she asked why I am a pony then. Apparently AJ didn't mention to her sister that I am a human/ monkey man. It was a Friday and the Apples go into town on the weekend so we got the rest of the weekend off to do whatever... So what do we three decide to do? We decided to get drunk and party in town! The entire town does not have a single bar... Not even a dance club. So I head off to Twilight's and check to see if she can point us to the right places while Alex and Wallace do whatever. She suggested we go up to either Manehattan or Cloudsdale. There were a lot of good bars and night clubs in a few hours at either place and it only took a few hours on train to get to either. I then told her that we are flat broke and had no money. She laughed and said that she could get a free sky carriage for us at a moments notice. I thanked her and went back to find Alex and Wallace. We arrived in Manehatten in style with a stretch carriage and new outfits thanks to Rarity. Oh man did we look dope! I was slapped upside the head when I said that aloud. First impression of Manehatten; HOLY SHIT ITS NEW YORK BUT WAAAAY COOLER AND NO DRUG ABUSING MINORITIES!!! So we walk around the city looking for a good bar/ night club. All you see are ads and tall apartments. We did manage to find a pimped out night club called "Club Pegasus"... disappointing name but a club non the less!!! Remember that book that Wallace stole? I MAY have done something with it as well... It isn't like I made a brew with a little help from Zecora and made potion to give to Wallace and Alex to make them more accepting to life in Equestria... That's definitely not what I did...I made an assimilation potion AND a Viagra potion on top of that. accidently spilled it on myself while Zecora was helping me stir the brew and I MAY HAVE Jungle Fever because of it...I fucked Zecora... I digress So I slipped the Viagra into all our drinks and we were partying hard and getting hard. We found Rainbow Dash and the Twins with her (The Twins being Cloudkicker and Flitter). It was awesome because we had boners that shook mountain tops and DJ Pon-3 was the MC for the weekend. We danced, Wallace broke shit as usually, Alex made a Molotov, and I danced like a white boy. Overall a pretty fun night. We left the club around 11 and we walked around the city with Dash and the Twins. Wallace fancied both girls and Alex was talking to Rainbow Dash about the Fire Sharknado thing he did. I picked up some mare with a light blue coat and curly black mane and tail. She said she 22 (Bullshit). She said her daddy was a palace guard (bullshit) and that they had an penthouse across town (not bullshit, really awesome decked out suite). So we head out with cocks as strong as mountain tops and went to the Pier. We had a few drinks along the way so none of us could fly there (I'm pretty sure that we would break another law on our ever-expanding list of charges) so we decided to trot our way there. It was packed with tourists and a lot long lines for the rides. There were a few games like duck hunter and knocking down pins. They even had a psychic unicorn who could answer almost anything ( almost anything because Alex was being a smart ass and asked him if a tree fell in the forest did it make a sound). Our "dates" were enjoying themselves and they were given some of my other secret potions I had made for such an occasion. I made more potions then I lead on to! I made potions for just about everything and the outfits that Rarity made for us were enchanted so I could store a shit ton of these vials in any pocket and find the right one when I wanted to. So this new potion was something I like to call Jungle Fever, yes this is what I slipped Zecora when she wasn't looking. It makes just about anything incredibly aroused, think of it as an elephant tranquilizer but dragon sized and its actually Viagra. So Wallace took off with the Twins and Alex went home with Rainbow Dash (the little bastard really likes her too much...) and I was left alone with my date... I gave her another potion that made her forget who I was then I dropped her off at her house... I asked the psychic if she was legal and he said no and that he gets that question every time... So I enjoyed the piece and quiet on the pier away from all the noise and fried foods and watched the ships sail by. I was almost beginning to miss home...almost... Next thing I know I took my special potion and then I blacked out. I wake up and my head is throbbing. Hangover, guess I took the wrong potion. I'm back at Sweet Apple Acres. I can't remember what happened after I took a sip of the magic brew I took but something or someone brought me back here. I feel something snuggle up against me and yawn softly. I thought I took that lying cunt back to her apartment? I look down I nearly shit myself... There, snuggling against me is Applebloom... Sweet Jesus Christ riding a fucking Dinosaur into my room preaching YOLO... I am sooooo going to jail this time. To make matter worse she wakes up and gives me a kiss on the lips... my internal self was pretty much going like this... FUCKYFUCKFUCKWHATTHEFUCKDIDIFUCKINGDOLASTNIGHT?!?!?!!?!IMSOFUCKED..FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKKERTONFUCKFUCK...yea that bad... "Ah had so much fun last night Mista' Jake" she says sleepily...(Sweet Fucking fuck fuck am I so fucked right now) "Although ah still feel a bit sore it was well worth it" (FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING CELESTIA'S ASS STOP TALKING CHILD!!!!). she gives me a big hug and trots out the door. I could help but notice her flank looked a bit red and she was walking funny... (WHY DOES GOD HATE ME TODAY!!!!!???) My face went white and my pupils shrunk to the size pinheads as realization hit me... I done fucked up big time!!!