Just One Chapter
A short comedy entailing a star cellist and her famous DJ roommate/marefriend experiencing the great outdoors together in a completely nonsexual way.
“You have got to be kidding me. No. No no no, you’re insane! Completely bonkers!” Octavia ranted as Vinyl Scratch, the charismatic and beautiful disc jockey, rolled back and forth with the hysterics. “I’m not doing this! You’re more nuts than I thought! You make Screwball look sane! You need to be institutionalized! Did you take the wrong pills this morning? This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done!” Eventually, Octavia ran out of ways to call her marefriend insane and was left making insane gestures with no words involved.
These gestures caused Vinyl Scratch to nearly pop a blood vessel laughing, later recalling that her roommate looked remotely similar to an upside-down octopus with its tentacles swishing to and fro, except with less descriptive words. More along the lines of, “She was like one of those squishy eight arm thingies, and her arms were all ‘WOOOOOOO!’” She accompanied the ridiculous sound with the wild swinging if her arms, knocking the microphone off of the attachment and into the camerapony’s face. This caused her to laugh even harder.
Vinyl finally choked down the last of her peals of laughter and wiped her eye, throwing a hoof around her marefriend’s waist. “Aww, c’mon, Tavi! It’ll be fun, just think! Beautiful sky, soft grass, a warm fire, nopony around for miles,” Vinyl said in a sultry voice, nipping the end of Octavia’s ear in the process. The grey mare laughed and shoved the unicorn away playfully before slumping her shoulders.
“I suppose I don’t have much of a choice, do I? I mean, you bought all of the gear already without asking, so now we’re stuck with it. I swear, every time there’s a yard sale, you do something like this! Remember last time? That sword was imbedded in the wall for weeks!” Vinyl giggled at the memory.
The DJ told the interviewers that she had gone to a yard sale off in Las Pegasus after a gig, adding that she had no idea any ponies out there even still had lawns, and had purchased a large broadsword. She then smuggled it onto the train, dressing it up like a pony, the hilt of the weapon acting as a unicorn’s horn. She made it halfway home before she got bored and drew the sword, swinging it at passengers screaming, “There can be only one!” After being forced off the train, she had to hitchhike all the way back to Ponyville, which she recalled being “pretty tough while carrying a broadsword”, but she eventually made it.
After a long ‘discussion’, the sword was left in its sheath, which Vinyl Scratch couldn’t pull herself to say without raucous laughter, which continued to spread to the entire set of immature idiots. She stated that the sword stayed in place for at least a week before she decided to, and I quote, “play extreme Fruit Ninja in the house.” The intelligence level of this pony is completely unknown, and several ponies in the studio agreed that Vinyl should indeed be institutionalized.
“Listen, just do it once and if you don’t like it, we can sell the stuff off and forget about it,” Vinyl tried to reason, but Octavia looked uninterested. “C’mon. For me? Pweeeeeez,” the unicorn begged, using her patented puppy dog eyes which she claims to have stopped a speeding cart with. The entire studio remains skeptical as to the credibility of that story. Still, Octavia seemed to melt like butter on a warm afternoon under the weight of the disc jockey’s gaze.
Tossing her hooves up in the air in exasperation, Octavia said, “Alright, fine! But the second something goes wrong, it’s your head on a platter.” Vinyl narrowed her eyes and smirked at the cellist.
“Oh yeah? What do you have up your sleeve?” Vinyl inquired, clearly not believing it for a second.
Octavia shrugged before looking back at the white pony. “Besides a broadsword, I have the upper hoof in this relationship,” she teased. Vinyl’s eyes went wide for a moment before narrowing again.
“You wouldn’t! No, that’s punishment for both of us!” Vinyl cried, clearly upset by the idea.
Octavia nodded smugly before smirking. “Mhm, I would. Two weeks. Still willing to risk it?” Vinyl gulped and weighed her options.
At this point, nopony in the studio would have guessed that they were talking about ordering Chinese takeout. When this was revealed to us, only Octavia’s icy glare could fully convince everypony. Vinyl Scratch and Octavia both agreed that our presumption would have been a punishment far too painful for either of them, leading to an uncomfortable silence.
Vinyl nodded with determination in her eyes. “Yep. I’m gonna make this the best damn camping trip in the history of forever. It’s gonna be,” she said, pulling her shades out of thin air, “epictastic!”
“Vinyl, what have I told you about making words up?”
“Oh, stop being such kerfuffleness!” Vinyl replied, waving a hoof dismissively. Octavia facehoofed in despair.
“How did I survive this long with you. . .” She muttered under her breath, and Vinyl Scratch threw a hoof around the mare again.
“Sheer willpower and a love of my swag. Plus, I’m amazing in the sack,” Vinyl said.
Octavia insists that the unicorn was joking when she said this, but conflicting opinions between the two said otherwise. The cellist persisted in saying that wasn’t an appropriate, and Vinyl responded by describing their typical sex life. “In the morning, before lunch, after lunch, sometimes for dinner,” she said, casting a wink at the mortified mare beside her, “and at least once a night. She’s bucking crazy, colt, I tell ya. Either I’m amazing, or she’s a total nympho.” Octavia was practically steaming from the heat coming off her face combined with the sweat. She refused to admit to being a sex addict, so we were left to assume that Vinyl Scratch is indeed fantastic in bed.
After packing two days worth of food, all the camping equipment, a small bag labeled ‘Totally Socks’, and some pornographic magazines, the duo were prepared to adventure into the great unknown. And by that, I mean unknown to them. Everypony else has already been camping before.
“Vinyl, we’ve been walking for hours! Can’t we stop yet?” Octavia groaned, and her roommate gave her a dead stare back.
“Tavi, I can still see our house from here,” she deadpanned, and Octavia looked back to confirm it.
“As it should be! What if I need to cook something, or use the bathroom, or make a phone call?” Vinyl gave her another dry look.
Spinning in circles to gesture at their surroundings, Vinyl cried, “NAAAAATUUUUUURE! It’s here to get away from that stuff. You don’t see me bringing my subs or amps, do you?” Octavia frowned, knowing she had lost the fight already.
“No, I suppose not. . .” She grumbled and continued walking with an unhappy look on her face. Vinyl, however, looked positively victorious.
What was actually hours later, they were, as Vinyl says “in a prime location for exploring”, which we at the studio have concluded means they were thoroughly lost and had no idea where they were going, so they simply stopped. The fire was being set up with small sticks, Octavia was struggling to maintain her composure as the “tent attacked me in a savage and vicious attempt to take my life”, and Vinyl laughed at her feeble attempts. After a few minutes, Vinyl, in a blur of magic, had the tent set up perfectly.
Octavia looked at her, dumbfounded. “How on earth did you DO that!” She asked, clearly confused.
The DJ shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s magic, I ain’t gotta explain shit,” was her reply, and Octavia gave up on even trying to ask again. That response was apparently a fairly common one that never resulted in anything besides “flying Chinese food and angry sex”, as Vinyl so kindly put it. Octavia went to rest in the tent as her roommate rolled a pair of logs into place around the fire pit. At this point, things seemed to be going fairly well. If only. . .
Night had settled on them both, a warm fire started with a pot of Ramen noodles boiling above it. Not exactly the ideal camping meal, but Vinyl Scratch insisted it’s perfect for cuddling. Studies on this topic remain inconclusive. The pair were comfortably leaning on each other, lying in the dirt around the fire. “You know, this isn’t that bad, actually,” Octavia said, which made Vinyl fairly ecstatic.
“I told you. Now, what do you say we take a little break while the noodles boil?” Vinyl suggested with a seductive look. Octavia insists that she refused, but Vinyl Scratch insists that her marefriend had her pinned in the dirt before any other words were said. Due to the unreliability of both these mares, a conclusion of the subject was never reached. However, things did take a surprising turn.
Caught in a loose breeze, embers from the fire landed on the top of the tent, quickly setting the material ablaze. Vinyl reports Octavia running in circles, screaming her head off, while Octavia reports Vinyl sitting in front of the burning tent warming her hooves. Again, a conclusion was never reached, but many suspect both these events happened simultaneously. After the tent had burned to the ground, Octavia was left staring at the smoldering pile of ash with a desperate look on her face.
“Everything. . . All the food. . . The sleeping bags. . . Gone. Just like that,” she mumbled under her breath.
Vinyl laughed for a moment. “It’s only a scratch!” She joked before faltering. “Wait. . . Everything. . . NOOOOOOOO!! MY PORN!!” She said, dragging herself to the ash and sifting through it frantically. She looked up and at Octavia, who was watching with an eyebrow cocked. “I mean. . . NOOOOOOOO!! MY BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS!!” Vinyl cried, and the grey mare dragged a hoof downward across her face. The unicorn disappeared into the forest for a moment, moping, and Octavia shook her head.
“Well, so much for a fun trip. . .” She grumbled, and Vinyl came leaping out of the forest with a stick in her mouth.
“En garde!” She cried before whacking the cellist lightly with the stick. Octavia tried to bat it away before Vinyl Scratch darted around the other side, hitting her again. The earth pony sighed and sat there, a blank stare on her face as the barrage continued for another five minutes. When the unicorn finally stopped, Octavia raised her eyebrows.
“Sweetie, did you take your pills this morning?” She asked politely, and the DJ laughed loudly.
“What’s the fun in that! Pills bucking suck!” She said before laying down in the dirt. “This dirt’s so soft!” She exclaimed, rolling back and forth, turning her white coat brown. Octavia facehoofed again.
“Well, now I’m stuck in the forest with no food, no tent, nowhere to sleep, a crazy pony with a dirt fetish, and I’m hungry. Can this get any worse?” Her response was a rumble of thunder and waves of rain slamming down on them both. Furiously, she shook her hooves at the sky. “THAT WASN’T A CHALLENGE YOU-“ The rest of her speech was just a series of swears that would make a sailor want to tell his mommy. For the sake of watchability, we’ll spare you the five minute torrent of curses.
Vinyl just laughed and continued rolling in the mud happily before tackling her marefriend into the thick substance with her. The DJ had the earth pony pinned and grinned down at her. “Well, looks like it’s time to get down and dirty. . .” Octavia tell us that nothing transpired, although an anonymous source was quoted saying, “Oh, umm, yes, I heard them for very, very far away. I was scared for a minute before I realized what the sound was, and then I went and covered little Angel’s ears.” Again, all sources can choose to remain anonymous and words will not be altered or changed.
Roughly an hour later, the couple was attempting to hide under the branches of trees to avoid the rain, rather successfully at that. Still, Octavia’s hateful glare at her marefriend persisted as the unicorn tried to duel with stray branches. Eventually, Octavia snapped, shouting, “Vinyl, sit down! All your jumping around is driving me nuts! It’s bad enough you got me into this, but now I have to deal with you being completely CRAZY!” The white mare immediately pouted and sat down next to her roommate, leaning on her.
“I’m sorry I ruined your weekend, Tavi. I just thought it might be a good way to get away and have some fun, but I should have known better,” the disc jockey whispered, and Octavia began to feel guilty.
“Oh, Vinyl, it’s not all your fault. I mean, you didn’t set the tent on fire or make it rain, I’m just getting upset. It really was a kind gesture that you wanted to spend time together, and I’m sorry for blowing up on you,” Octavia apologized. No sooner had she finished talking than a bolt of lightning racked the black sky, striking the tree they were hiding under. Octavia swears the entire tree burst into flame like the head of a match, while Vinyl swears only that “it was the most bitchin’ pyrotechnics show ever”.
As Octavia watched the tree burn, her left eye began to twitch uncontrollably. An insane smile plastered onto her face, and she sat like that for a few moments despite Vinyl Scratch poking her with her horn. Eventually, Octavia snapped out of it, shouting, “Quit poking me with your thing! I take it back! This could not possibly get any worse! The whole of nature is out to get me, and I’m not just gonna sit here and take it! You want a war, nature? Well you got it, bitch!” Vinyl’s eyes grew wide at the crazy ranting, and even wider as Octavia untied her bowtie and wrapped it around her forehead “like a total badass”.
Octavia claims that she was being perfectly rational, that her mane was getting in her eyes, but this studio believes otherwise.
Not ten minutes later, Vinyl Scratch was running along the forest floor, looking up into the trees. “Tavi, get down from there! You’ll hurt yourself!” She shouted as, high above, the grey mare jumped from tree branch to tree branch with deft speed. She was now carrying a bow made of a flimsy stick and string from the burned down tent as she darted through the forest angrily. Vinyl quickly lost sight of her, rushing around frantically to catch sight of the cellist again.
A cry of, “Why me, nature! I didn’t do anything! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING,” rose through the forest, and Vinyl ran toward the source. Sure enough, she found Octavia aiming her bow and an arrow made from a broken twig into the forest. “You want a fight? HUH? I’ll give you a fight!” She shouted at the trees before firing the arrow wildly. Vinyl watched it fly through the air and hit an apple hanging from a single branch. A victorious cry came from the cellist as she ran toward the fallen fruit as Vinyl Scratch admiring the shot before rushing off toward her roommate.
Octavia grabbed the apple off the forest floor and held if aloft. “HA! I WIN!” She shouted to nopony before biting into the apple viciously. Then, out of nowhere, a pony came flying through the woods and tackled Octavia. She kicked and punched and bit, but Vinyl refused to let her up.
“Tavi, calm down! Look at yourself, you look like a crazy pony! You’re making me look sane!” She yelled, and a certain clarity came to the earth pony’s eyes. She stopped struggling and looked down at herself before bursting out laughing.
“Oh my, I do look insane, don’t I? Would you mind helping me up, this is actually quite uncomfortable,” Octavia asked politely, and Vinyl gladly helped her to her hooves. They walked side by side for a while without talking.
“Tavi. . .” Vinyl said suddenly, stopping. Octavia looked at her marefriend, who was now pointing forward. Octavia followed Vinyl’s gaze to see that not a quarter mile ahead of them, their home sat. Octavia’s jaw dropped and her eye started twitching again.
“All this time. It was right here. All this time. . .” Octavia mumbled to herself before the DJ grabbed her hoof and led them both forward toward their home. The trees cleared quickly, leaving them standing in the open of Ponyville, in the pouring rain looking like two escaped insane asylum patients.
They both paused for a moment before bursting into laughter so wild, they had to lean on each other to keep from falling over. “Oh my gods, that’s nuts! I mean, anything that could have gone wrong did! That was the worst camping trip EVER!” Vinyl said between gasps for air.
Even Octavia joined in, touching her bowtie, which was still tied around her head. “And look at me! I went completely bucking crazy! I mean, I shot an apple with an arrow to get back at nature!” She laughed, and they finally continued toward their home. Once inside, they took a long, hot shower together and prepared for bed. Vinyl finally took her pills, which calmed her down a lot, and she went upstairs to find Octavia gazing out the window.
“Hay, sweetie. Ready for bed?” She asked, and Octavia’s trance broke. The mare looked over her shoulder at Vinyl and smiled.
“Yeah, sure, I was just watching the rain,” Octavia lied. Vinyl Scratch shrugged and got into bed, and Octavia cast another glance out of the window. She narrowed her eyes, pointed a hoof toward her face, then back toward the forest in the distance. “This ain’t over, nature. The war’s only just beginning. . .” She said under her breath before putting on a smile and climbing into bed.
To this day, Octavia refuses to return to that forest, claiming that it has it out for her. Sure enough, a week later, a tree from the forest randomly collapsed and nearly killed her while she was out working in the garden. Vinyl reports not being able to find her roommate for two days, and eventually found the mare stumbling out of the woods, covered in cuts, scrapes, and bruises. “Where the hay have you been!” Vinyl shouted angrily.
Octavia stared blankly back at her before turning to look at the forest icily. “I couldn’t let it get away with it. It drew first blood, Vinyl,” she whispered as she watched smoke rise from in the distance. The unicorn’s eyes grew wide as she ushered the other mare inside. From that day forward, they have been trying to sell their house and move closer to the center of town, claiming that “the forest will be the death of us both”.
Whether or not the whole truth has been given during this interview, it is certain that, despite what Octavia may have claimed, there are actually two insane ponies living in their house, and she is most certainly one of them. This has been another installment of ‘When Nature Attacks’, see new episodes on Thursdays at 8/7 central. This is Nigel, signing off, and have a good day everypony.