Leave Your Sex Life To Me
“Friends are great and all, Twilight, but the main reason I sent you to Ponyville was for you to get laid.”
“Huh?” Twilight blinked innocently.
Twilight had been summoned to Canterlot that day to discuss some serious matters with Princess Celestia. She didn’t know what to expect from her ever-wise mentor, but she did hope it would be some tips for handling status as royalty. While she’d been a princess for a while, there was still much to learn.
So here she was, staring up at Princess Celestia who sat regally upon her throne. The Princess was holding the scroll when she arrived, and Twilight hoped it was a list of possible improvements that she could make. But she never expected this.
Princess Celestia sighed and pushed the floating scroll out of her face. She looked down at Twilight with exhaustion.
“I did want you to make friends when I sent you to Ponyville, that much is true. But I also thought it would be a lot better for your mental state and overall health if you actually clapped some cheeks and got some dick or pussy or whatever you’re into.”
“Huh?” Twilight repeated, her brain short circuiting at Princess Celestia’s words. She never thought she’d hear Princess Celestia utter the words ‘dick or pussy’. In fact, she rarely heard or saw the Princess use any vulgar language of any kind or even swear, not even when the Princess had been relaxed around her. This was new for her. Twilight hoped it stuck. A swear or two would be good for her.
“I adore you, Twilight, I really do, but you’re clearly too socially awkward to even have a casual one-night stand with anypony. Everypony in Ponyville knows that Pinkie Pie is the local whore, I mean why do you think she knows everypony? Alas, even you couldn’t notice her flirting and actually get some.”
“Huh?” Twilight was beginning to sound like a broken record. She thought she’d learn some awesome tips about being a princess not getting pseudo-lectured by her stand in mom about how she needed to ride a pony for mental health reasons. And yet here they were.
However, Twilight only felt mildly insulted by the entire conversation that they were having.
“Look, Twilight, I’m going to be blunt with you. You definitely need to get laid. But you clearly can’t and not for a lack of trying. That’s why I’m going to assign you a new mini mission. I’m going to lock you in my own personal sex dimension, the one I use for sex, except it’ll be filled with familiar faces instead of my own personal guards and you have to have a roll in the hay with at least like five of them. Now they all consented to this, and you can be blunt when you ask so there’s no need to beat around the bush and flirt, since you clearly can’t do that. So yes,” Princess Celestia’s horn lit up and enveloped Twilight in her familiar yellow glow. “Off you go. I’ll pick you up when you’ve gotten some.”
At that point, Princess Celestia summoned a yellow glowing portal behind Twilight, tossed her in and closed it behind her.
And barely five seconds later, Twilight Sparkle came right back.
“That was fast,” Princess Celestia said, barely missing a beat. “Maybe due to time dilation in the dimensional space?”
“Princess Celestia, I’m asexual.”
Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow. “This isn’t you just trying to get out of this is it?”
Twilight huffed. “You’re being pretty aphobic right now.”
“I-I’m not trying to be offensive, Twilight,” Princess Celestia stammered.
“Oh really? Well, I’ll have you know, I had sex before, not that it should matter whether I do or don’t and I didn’t like it,” Twilight replied. “It’s just not for me. Not to mention that my personal sex life is none of your business. You’re allowed to meddle in my friendships but not my sex life.”
“That’s… that’s fair,” Princess Celestia replied.
“I’ve never heard you talk like this before,” Twilight said. “I’ve never even heard you swear.”
“Well, I figured that now that we were peers, we could be on equal playing fields.” Princess Celestia replied. “I should start inviting you to my coke parties…”
Suddenly, Princess Luna teleported behind Princess Celestia and whacked the back of her head.
“See? We told you but you did not listen.”
“I-I-” Princess Celestia stammered, trying to regain her composure.
“You are too nosy and insistent. It was very obvious that our Twilight Sparkle was not a lover of the nighttime dances like us. You should be more accepting,” Princess Luna huffed. “She did not even reciprocate our advances and nopony can resist the alluring gaze of our ass.”
“Wait, your advances?” Twilight asked.
“We feel it is necessary to apologize to on behalf of our sister,” Princess Luna said, looking quite apologetic. Princess Celestia rubbed the back of her head.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. I only want you to thrive and be happy,” Princess Celestia said, smiling sheepishly. “I shouldn’t meddle in your life, more than I already do.”
“Right,” Twilight deadpanned.
“Well, uh, goodbye Twilight Sparkle!” Princess Celestia said awkwardly and waved as she threw Twilight via her magical grasp into a portal that she’d opened behind the purple pony princess.
Celestia sighed then turned around to look at Luna who was grinning.
“We told you that your dearest Twilight Sparkle was asexual. We told you that trying to do this would end in failure. Did you listen? No, you emptied your personal domain of guards and wiped down the semen walls and tried to throw her in,” Luna said. “We won the bet. You owe us one hundred bits.”
“Fine. I’ll give them to you tomorrow,” Celestia sighed. “I just never thought she would be.”
“Perhaps this is because you desire some more intimate moments with her?” Luna snickered.
Celestia looked aghast. “I don’t view her like you do, Luna. It’s purely a mentor relationship.”
Luna shrugged. “Suit yourself, sister.”
Princess Celestia sighed. “I’ll go get some of my guards. I need a break.”