Turns out Rainbow Dash and Rarity are a married couple, and have been since before Twilight moved to Ponyville. Twilight never knew this. Hilarity ensues, as well as a few feels.
Princess Celestia has sent an invitation to Twilight Sparkle and friends for a royal Canterlot wedding! While reading off the list of invitees, however, Twilight comes across a certain "Mrs. and Mrs. Dash". Turns out Rainbow Dash and Rarity are a married couple, and have been since before Twilight moved to Ponyville. Twilight never knew this. Hilarity ensues, as well as a few feels.
(AU, where RariDash are, well, married. Some canon events and scenes have been shifted accordingly, to Twilight's increasing confusion.)
It’s something that’s stood out to Twilight Sparkle for months now. In most other cases, there was at least some overlap: Fluttershy and Rarity’s spa trips and gossip, Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s rivalry, Pinkie Pie and Rarity’s teamwork when it came to parties, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy’s childhood friend dynamic…
But Rainbow Dash and Rarity barely spent time with each other, as far as Twilight knew. If at all. In fact, with the way they interacted with each other, they were had more of a friend-of-a-friend feeling, which was nice, but not as deep of a friendship as you’d hope from two Elements of Harmony.
Twilight did her best not to think of it, however: she was sure that over time, they’d come to have a closer relationship. And maybe some group outings were just what they needed. Like what they were having now! A nice, friendly picnic, complete with Spike joining them to deliver some news.
Curious, Twilight unfurled the scroll, stamped by Princess Celestia herself. She cleared her throat.
“Dear Twilight, I am sure you are as excited as I am about the upcoming wedding in Canterlot.”
Twilight looked up from the scroll, raising an eyebrow. “Wedding?”
Nevertheless, she smiled. If Princess Celestia was personally invested in the wedding, it must be especially important: especially for two very lucky someponies. Her friends leaned in a bit more, invested in the message.
“I will be presiding over the ceremony but would very much like you and your friends to help with the preparations for this wonderful occasion. Fluttershy, I would like you and your songbird choir to provide the music.”
“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy grinned. “What an honor!”
“Pinkie Pie, I can think of no one more qualified than you to host the reception.”
“Hip, hip,” Pinkie Pie cartwheeled giddily, “Hooray!”
“Applejack, you will be in charge of the catering for the reception.” Twilight read off, picking up the empty teapot that Pinkie tipped over.
“Well, color me pleased as punch!”
“Mrs. and Mrs. Dash, we would love for you to help the bride and groom during rehearsals, as well as provide your own experienced insights on the wedding venue and attire.”
Wait.
What?
“Aw, I thought they’d ask me for a really sick contrail, at least…”
“Oh, hush, my love. It’s a wedding, not a Wonderbolt exhibition.”
Twilight looked up from the scroll. Rainbow Dash and Rarity were eating their sandwiches nonchalantly. She cleared her throat.
“Sorry, ‘Mrs. and Mrs. Dash’?”
“Nah, Twilight, Rarity’s right,” the pegasus shrugged, “contrails are more for big engagements, anyways. Like when I proposed, heh heh.”
“And obviously the lucky mare already popped the question. Oh well: I’m sure I can add my own personal touch to the wedding décor!”
“No, wait, pause,” Twilight held up a hoof, putting down the invitation. The rest of the girls looked at her strangely, but she soldiered on. “You two are married? Since when?! Why was I never told this?”
“Since… forever?” Rainbow Dash scoffed, putting down her sandwich. “Twilight, did you seriously not know we were hitched?”
“Our last names were on the Gala tickets, darling,” Rarity pointed out, as if she had the right to be confused by Twilight’s confusion.
“You… Neither of you wear your rings!”
“I leave mine at home after I lost the third one doing stunts.” Rainbow said, before giving Rarity an apologetic grin, blush and all. Rarity rolled her eyes. “Rares likes to match.”
“Wanting to meet Prince Blueblood?!”
“Oh, he’s… physically charming, but I was mostly attempting to pave my way into Canterlot’s inner circle through making a high-profile social connection… so much for that.” Rarity grumbled.
“Hey, don’t worry, I got him for ya.” Dash smirked, a bit of bloodthirst in her eyes.
“Ever my hero.” Rarity batted her eyes at her. Twilight grew mildly concerned.
“But… But…! Nope. You two are going to have a sit-down conversation with me about this, right now, before I get through the rest of this letter!” Twilight snapped it shut using her magic, pointing accusatory hooves at the apparently married couple.
“So much for a relaxin’, no stress picnic,” Applejack mumbled, before a burning glare was aimed in her direction. Twilight held it for a moment, before going through her calming exercise. Breathe in… breathe out… Three, two, one, one, two, three…
“Alright. I’m sorry for lashing out, but… the fact that two of my best friends were married and I just never knew…!” Twilight begun, before Rarity put a calming hoof on her shoulder.
“In hindsight, we never did tell you, and we’d been together for long enough that we thought it… obvious. It’s perfectly understandable that you’re distressed over this.”
“I’m more surprised you never learned Rarity’s last name,” Rainbow laughed, to Twilight’s mounting annoyance, “It’s not like anyone ever calls her Rarity Belle anymore.”
“And I hosted their wedding anniversary party – Which you were too busy to go to – And their engagement anniversary party, which happened when you were in Canterlot, and their first date anniversary party, which was supposed to happen on a day you were free, but then the Diamond Dogs stole Rarity and we all know how that went –”
“Thank you! Pinkie. For clarifying.” Twilight loudly interjected, causing the pink party planner to throw up a thumbs up and chomp on a cupcake. Fluttershy boggled at the thumb, before shaking her head and sighing.
“Maybe… it’d be easier to start at the beginning? When they first met?” The yellow pegasus offered, and Twilight nodded. That seemed like a rational and logical thing to do.
Rarity gasped in sheer, unhealthy delight, stars in her eyes. Applejack groaned, before Rainbow Dash shot her… wife… a knowing scowl.
“No, we’re not telling your version to Twilight! I called dibs on the next person, and we have an entire other scroll from Princess Celestia to go through!”
“But, my love! My dearest heart! Pleaseeee? Oh, I’m sure I can get through the story before…” Rarity squinted at the sky and offered an unsure grin. “…sunset?”
Rainbow’s eye twitched.
“How about we go over Twilight’s actual questions? We can tell her how we got together and all that later, maybe after the wedding!”
“Ugh, fine. At least that way, it won’t be the terribly unromantic, incredibly abridged version of our pre-marriage love life that you tell.” Rarity sniffed haughtily, before leaning against her… wife… with more romantic comfort than Twilight’s ever seen out of both of the… married couple.
Twilight nodded, pulling out a notebook and a quill to record the results of her interview. Don’t ask where she got them from.
“Alright. Let’s start from the beginning: the Summer Sun Celebration. You were married by then at least, right? I can see how I never put together the pieces when we literally just met, but what about after that? You didn’t even talk to each other!”
“Oh, we spoke to each other in detail on that night,” Rarity intoned, “If I recall…”
Angry, bruised, and desperate for answers, Rainbow Dash growled and took off towards the library, where that evil spy was hiding. At least, she tried to: until she was held back again.
“And where do you think you’re going, Rainbow “I run into the face of danger without telling my newlywed wife” Dash?!”
“First off, my middle name is just Danger!” Rainbow Dash groaned, once more pulled by her tail, but this time by Rarity, “Secondly, this evil alicorn named Nightmare Moon shows up right when the new mare, Twilight Sparkle does? Isn’t that a little suspicious? Seriously, it’s like one of your cheesy detective novels!”
Ptooey! Tail out of Rarity’s mouth, the fashionista gave an incensed scoff.
“Noir novels, love, and they’re not cheesy. I do agree that Twilight Sparkle must know more than she let on, but the girl reeks of, as you say, egghead! Maybe she’s a well-read scholar? She is from Canterlot, after all.”
“Well, maybe she’s a dark mage who used an evil book to resurrect the Mare in the Moon.”
“Dashie. Honey.” Rarity smiled that smile, and Rainbow Dash’s walls crumbled. She flapped back down to ground level and sighed.
“Hey, you can’t do that trick to me,” the pegasus murmured softly, “we’re both Dashie now.”
“Instead of rushing headlong into battle, let’s get some of our friends and confront this Twilight together slowly and surely, shall we? I’m sure a few fair townsponies would be willing to help us.”
“Way ahead of y’all,” Applejack grunted, trailing behind them. It took a few lassos and some convincing, but the Ponyville’s signature mass panic attack had been abated, and everypony had been sent home for safety. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie followed behind her, with Pinkie bouncing ahead of the group towards Golden Oak Library, unperturbed.
Now joined by a motley crew of Ponyville’s finest, Rainbow Dash gave Rarity the point.
“Fine. But I get first dibs at interrogation!”
“Hm… and after that is when all of you showed up and Rainbow Dash accused me of being… a spy?!” Twilight growled, making an exaggerated impression of the weather mare. The rest of her friends giggled while Rainbow Dash blushed and hoofed the ground.
Feeling a little better with that joke, Twilight moved onto the next bit that she was confused about.
“But what about after that? You didn’t say a word to each other in the Everfree Forest, and I never saw you two interact during the party.”
“The Sun-is-Back-and-so-is-Princess-Luna Party?! That was one of my favorite parties!” Pinkie cheered.
“Come to think of it…” Fluttershy begun, eyes flickering between Rainbow Dash and Rarity, “I barely saw either of you at that party. Not that you had to stay…! But, uh, I’m good at noticing, erm, I guess you’d say wallflowers, unless that’s an insult…”
“No, no. I completely understand what you mean, Fluttershy.” Rarity poured herself a cup of tea. “The fact of the matter is that we left early.”
“Oh…! I see…” Fluttershy said. Pinkie, however, had a genuinely distraught look on her face. Somebody didn’t find her parties fun?
“I’m sure the party was super awesome, it’s just…!” Rainbow Dash snorted, talking with food in her mouth. “Ugh. Do we have to get mushy now? I’m halfway through my sandwich, here.”
“At least swallow, dear.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Gulp. “Anyways.”
“Never took you as an early sleeper,” Rainbow hummed, slipping under the covers with Rarity. The unicorn had been strangely silent ever since the sun came back, and it was enough to make a mare worry.
“Yes, well, eternal night excursions into the Everfree will do that to you.” Rarity grumbled, hogging the sheets and turning away from the pegasus.
It was a flimsy excuse: the eternal night happened a while ago, and they all had plenty of time to catch some shuteye after their crazy adventure. Enough time for Pinkie to throw a party. Enough time for Rarity to ditch it, thirty minutes in, and for Rainbow Dash to follow. There was something about her tone, though, that broke Rainbow Dash’s heart just a little. A bit of a voice crack, a shaky word.
She wrapped her hooves around Rarity’s beautiful white coat, sharing warmth.
“Talk to me, Rares.”
It was quiet for a bit. That was fine. After a while, Rarity spoke.
“I don’t know how you do it,” she shuddered. It was barely a whisper. “How you look your inevitable demise in the eyes and spit in its face daily.”
“I say it’s because I’m awesome, but you say it’s because I’m hardheaded and reckless,” she joked, trying to help the mood. It didn’t.
“We almost died so many times, Dashie. Kicked the bucket. Went to the farm. If it wasn’t the cliff or the manticore or… or anything else, it was the evil goddess threatening to kill us on the spot.” Rarity turned around and pressed closer to Rainbow Dash, and she was shivering, burying her head in the pegasus’s chest. “How do you do it? How do you shake that off so easily?”
Scared. She was scared, enough to make her entire body shake like it was the middle of winter. Applejack and Twilight were made of tough stuff, Fluttershy was okay enough to stay at the party, and Pinkie Pie was another breed entirely, but Rarity was still terrified just remembering it. Dash’s better half was trembling, and she wanted to fix it right now.
Rainbow Dash maneuvered her chin around Rarity’s horn to rest her head on her crown. She wasn’t nearly as precise, or wordy, or dictonary-brained to know how to answer that. “Eloquent”, would be the word Rarity would use, and it’d be something the pegasus wasn’t. So she’d just answer from the heart.
“Truth is, I don’t.”
There must have been something in her own voice that made Rarity look up to her. But she didn’t stop. Couldn’t, or else she’d clam up and try to play it off like she was unbeatable: it was a problem the both of them had.
“Every time I mess up a stunt, it goes through my head, y’know? I walk it off, but in my brain, I’m like… I messed up. I could’ve done it better. And sometimes, it sticks in my head for weeks. Or longer.”
“Then…?”
“What gets me through it is remembering that it could be so much worse. At least I didn’t crack my head open. At least Fluttershy was there to call for help. At least I caught you going down that cliff… got a kiss out of it too.” She smirked, and Rarity cracked a smile.
If they were talking about that night, though, there was something Rainbow wanted to get off her chest.
“Y’know, Nightmare Moon tried to recruit me,” she said, like it was a distant memory, “that’s why Twilight said I was the Element of Loyalty. She said I’d be the leader of her version of the Wonderbolts, if she took over Equestria.”
“I assume her argument was better than just that,” Rarity huffed, mostly confident that her wife wasn’t a bonafide idiot.
“She made it sound cozy. All the fame and glory I could ever want, if only I’d give her a chance to prove that she could rule just as good as Princess Celestia. Really played up the sympathetic angle: how unfairly she was treated, how much better Equestria could be with just a few changes. Talked about how I’d be making Equestria a better place. I almost believed her.”
Her magneta eyes looked forward into nothing, as she hugged Rarity just a bit tighter.
“Then I asked if my friends and family would be safe. She gave me a big maybe.” Rainbow swallowed something stuck in her throat. “Then I asked if you would be safe. And she only said maybe. And that’s what mattered to me. That’s what helped me… shake it off, I guess. To make sure you were safe.”
Rainbow Dash yelped as Rarity suddenly got up from her position curled up against the pegasus’s heart. The uncorn was now holding herself up on top of Rainbow’s body. At this angle, looking up at her, with her violet mane flowing down around Rainbow’s face…
“You always find a way to make me fall in love with you, all over again, Miss Loyalty.” Rarity whispered in that pretty accent she’d always had.
“Heh. It’s Mrs. Loyalty, actually?” She joked, and they both laughed.
“Dashie,” Rarity said, before kissing her wife, “thank you.”
Rainbow Dash swore, from then until the end of time, that there was never a better midday nap in all of Equestria.
The entire group started oohing and aahing over the sickly sweet memory, with Rainbow Dash doing her best to look tough with a giant red blush on her face. Rarity, on the other hand, was eating up the attention, deliberately hanging off her wife’s foreleg like a springtime mare.
Twilight, on the other hand, was studying her notes scrupulously, before realizing a pattern in their behaviors. Underlining a few sections and cross-referencing one page to another, the royal student looked up as she reached a eureka.
“I get it. You two don’t show affection around your friends!”
At this, both halves of the vow were affronted.
“Disaffectionate? Moi?! How dare you accuse me of such! I’ll have you know I have all the love and care in the world for your girls.”
“Yeah, egghead, we’re not heartless! Maybe if you read some chick fics instead of dusty boring tomes, you wouldn’t be so jealous!”
“Jealous?!” Twilight yelped. “I’m not jealous! Of anypony! I…” She gave a long-suffering sigh and steadied herself. “What I meant to say is the reason I, personally, never picked up on it is because you keep your romance away from us. As a whole.”
At that, Rarity and Rainbow Dash calmed down and looked at each other.
“Do we really…?”
“I mean, I guess I can kinda see it…”
“Ah’ve noticed that too. Y’all do a good job of keepin’ your business to your business,” Applejack nodded, “Not that it’s a problem! Everypony’s entitled to a lil’ privacy. Ah mean, imagine if ah talked about my apples and my work all day long!”
The crowd went silent. Rarity sipped her tea. Twilight subconsciously wrote ellipses at the corners of her notes.
“…Shucks, guess it’s somethin’ I gotta work on, myself.”
“After a certain point, we just never felt the need to be all ooey-gooey in public.” Rainbow shrugged. “Or, at least, I never did. I think I make up for it plenty when we’re on dates and stuff.”
“When we began courting, I did feel the need to publicize our relationship,” Rarity admitted, “but I’m long past that now. And, as Applejack said, a healthy work-life balance is essential. Although, in this case, a healthy love-friendship balance?”
“Though, maybe we should be a bit more public. Would have saved a lot of trouble with, uh…”
“Me?” Spike raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms. It’d been a while since he was here, Twilight had almost forgotten. As it stood, he was halfway through a piece of apple pie. “Yeah. I get it. I figured out after that whole Diamond Dog thing.”
Spike happily snacked on a gem, one of the many that Rarity gave him after she was done with Sapphire Shores’ order. A big, shiny, one-hoof-long teardrop-cut emerald, which he was holding like an ice-cream cone and licking away at, also like an ice-cream cone.
A bucketload of gems, saving Rarity from evil, and some one-on-one time with the prettiest pony ever? Spike couldn’t believe his luck this week! Practically floating on his claws, the baby dragon knocked on her door three times, eager to see his crush once more.
“Hey, Rarity! I’m here like you asked!”
“Just a moment, darling! Need to make sure this still… fits…”
“Oh, are you doing some dresswork?” Spike asked, now imagining her laboring seamlessly over some seams. “I can help you if you’d like!
“Not quite, dear, just… ah, hello.” The door opened. “Feel free to come in, I’d like to discuss something with you.”
Spike’s eyes went up her beautifully long front legs, to her perfect smile, and her eyelashes, and the ring on her horn – wait.
His heart dropped.
“You’re engaged?!” He yowled, loud enough for everypony on the block to stop and stare. Rarity groaned and facehoofed before pulling him into Carousel Boutique, leaving behind pieces of shattered heart in his wake. At least, metaphorically.
“Who is it?! Big Macintosh? Dr. Horse? Doctor Justdoctor? There’s no way any mac or doctor or mac-doc-horse or whatever is good enough for you. Call off the wedding. Please?” Spike rattled off, before his emerald is pressed against his lips, silencing him.
“There’s no wedding to call off, Spike. It already happened. I’m married.”
Spike’s eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he fainted. Onto a well-placed couch that Rarity levitated in from out of nowhere, thankfully.
…
A few minutes later, Spike woke up to the smell of fertilizer. Startled, he gagged and hacked and coughed, trying to get whatever it was out of his face.
“Smelling basalt. Guess they work on both griffons and dragons.” Rainbow Dash hummed, setting down a harmless-looking grey rock onto a counter.
“Are you alright, Spike? You almost took quite the tumble.” Rarity asked, running a hoof down his spines like he liked it.
“Oh, Rarity, I had the most terrible nightmare…” He groaned, rubbing the bleariness out of his eyes. “You had a ring on, and you said you were married to Doctor Macinhorse and would live happily ever after and laughed in my face…”
“Well, you’re about twenty-five percent correct I’m certain I didn’t laugh in your face, and I’m not married to Doctor Macinhorse.”
“Wait,” Rainbow Dash scratched her head, “You’re not gonna live happily ever after?”
“That remains to be seen, my love,” Rarity snarked, eliciting a raspberry from the pegasus.
At that point, Spike opened his eyes back up, and the golden ring on her horn was still there. Now that he was closer, he saw it in further detail: a prismatic diamond that shined like a rainbow at the right angle, cut in the shape of her cutie mark. And Rainbow Dash… had the same ring on her tail.
His heart sank.
“I… I thought…”
“That I was single? I’m sorry. I thought it was obvious that I wasn’t, and when I saw you liked me, I strung you on not wanting to break your precious heart.”
“You knew?” Spike asked, a bit of betrayal sinking into him.
“You’re very forward, dear. I just… didn’t know how to tell you without hurting you. Like this.”
“We had a talk, and figured it’d be best to get it out of the way before it got worse.” Rainbow Dash, his supposed rival-in-love-except-she-already-won, said awkwardly. ”Like ripping off a bandage.”
Spike picked up a pillow from the couch and buried his face in it, groaning. His feelings were like a clumpy, gross pile of mane and coat hair, swirling around in the muck at the bottom of a bathtub that Twilight never bothered to clean. Or, uh, any other pony, since Twilight was growling at him like an angry manticore while he told this story.
The point was his feelings were everywhere! It was almost as bad as when Discord showed up. He felt embarrassed, he felt stupid, he felt angry, all at once, at the same time. He could barely listen when Rainbow Dash was talking.
“We figured it’d be best to do it after how you were acting with the fishing rod. Making kissy faces and daydreaming about my wife groveling at your feet is not cool, my guy. It was cute at first, but I was crazy worried when she went missing, and there you were…!”
“Rainbow Dash.” Rarity harrumphed, shutting the pegasus up. Spike was a little thankful for that, just a little.
“What she’s trying to say is that we saw the signs, and we decided. We’re sorry. Genuinely, for what it’s worth. I should have told you right after the Summer Sun Celebration – nothing was stopping me. And that’s my fault. If there’s anything we can do to make you feel better, please let us know.”
“…Yeah.” Rainbow Dash finally sighed, looking down. “Sorry, little dude. It’s on us.”
Spike finally took his face off the couch pillow and sniffled. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t. He was a big boy dragon now. He leveled an angry look at Rainbow Dash and pointed a finger at her like he was casting the craziest spell ever.
“You!” He growled. It came from deep in his chest, like he was breathing fire. “You’ll take care of Rarity, right? Forever until the end of time? Make her happy? Because if you make her cry once, I’ll… turn into a giant dragon and hunt you down, fastest pegasus or not!”
Rainbow Dash paled, holding up two hooves in surrender.
“Geez, the overprotective talk hits different when it isn’t Hondo,” Rainbow said under her breath, before steeling herself, “Of course. That’s totally obvious! Element of Loyalty, helloooo? Don’t worry, Spike, I’ve got this.”
It occurred, just then, that Hondo was the name of Rarity’s dad. Here Spike was, vying for her undying affection, and he didn’t even know what her father’s name was. That proved… weirdly anchoring, in a way.
“Okay.” Spike deflated, picking up his emerald. “Well, it was great while it lasted. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Rarity: and for practicing smooches with your wife while you were watching, Rainbow Dash.”
“If there’s anything at all…” Rarity begun, before Spike got off the couch.
“Maybe some alone time for a week. And more gems. And ice cream. I have a feeling I’ll be going through my emergency pint real soon.”
“Well, alright,” Rarity hesitated. “Please, let us know if you’d like to talk any time. We’re still your friends, and we’ll always be here for you.”
Spike worked up a smile and walked out the door.
“And that’s the story of my first heartbreak.” Spike said, sighing. “Oh well. Sorry for bringing down the mood, guys, I…”
Whatever he was going to say was stopped by a sudden four-mare, one-dragon group hug. A blush worked its way onto his face and he squirmed helplessly.
“I can’t believe that’s why you were so sad that whole week!” Twilight gasped, the first pony to fully hug him in the embrace-a-thon. “And I even got annoyed at you for eating all the ice cream. Spike…”
“Hey, it’s nothing. I’m over it! Really.” Spike chuckled, before spotting who was missing from the hug. Rarity and Rainbow Dash did their best to avoid eye contact, even shifting away from each other.
Aw, heck. He didn’t wanna leave anyone out.
Spike cleared his throat. “I mean, if we’re gonna group hug, it’s gotta be the whole group, right?”
Eventually, the married couple joined their friends, and it was one big pile of warmth.
At a certain point, they did break up the hug, and their picnic time was coming to a close. While everypony else was putting away their snacks and baskets, Twilight picked up the somewhat-forgotten letter and quickly skimmed through it, just to make sure there weren’t any other announcements that were pertinent to everyone present.
Just one thing.
“Wait, who’s getting married? It doesn’t say.”
“Oh!” Spike stood up, before handing over another scroll, also with the royal stamp, “I should have given you this one first.”
Twilight unfurled the scroll.
Her jaw dropped.
Having gone from “mildly appeased but still curious” to “ball of insurmountable fury” in less time than healthy, she shot a pinprick glare at all present company, biting her lip and nearly crushing the wedding invitation in her magical grasp.
“Does literally anypony else have any big, marriage-related confessions they’d like to make today? Anypony at all?!”
“Uh…”
Twilight aimed her laser-hot anger at Pinkie. The fearless party pony winced and smiled.
“Nevermind! Nothing at all. No big weddings I’m planning to host or surprise-invite anyone to, no sirree!”
“Hey, Twi, what’s got you so bucked up?” Rainbow Dash, the first of today’s big giant liars, asked.
“Bucked? This is more than bucked. It’s kicked. Punted! Booted! Calcitrated and defenestrated! Its my brother’s wedding, and he never told me!”
One bad impression of her brother and one heartfelt, heartbroken, utterly seething heartsong later (half the girls weren’t a big fan of the growly direction the song went into, but Rainbow Dash admitted she liked the six-string heavy metal guitar instrumental, at least), and Twilight had gotten it mostly out of her system.
Keyword being “mostly”.
Everypony else was excited. Rainbow Dash was elated to be part of another bachelor party: apparently hers was a banger that drained Sweet Apple Acres of at least three barrels of cider. Spike nodded his head and agreed to help, but Twilight was ninety percent sure he had no clue what she was talking about.
Twilight, herself, was… “mostly” excited. Sure, her brother was getting married, of course she should be elated for him. But she still had no clue who this Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was.
Probably some gold-sniffer mare. Or someone who only wanted her B.B.B.F.F. for his looks! Or for political reasons, those were the worst. Probably had some gross Hoofsburg jaw and went about wobbling her chins at common working ponies, making them jump into the street so they didn’t stain the same sidewalk as her! She’d read it in a history book. They existed.
Just the thought of it made her angry. Who did this mare think she was? Why was she important enough that Shining couldn’t at least mail her? These questions, and more, swirled through Twilight’s brain like the the gross pile of hair at the bottom of whatever bathtub that Spike was describing in the last chapter that definitely wasn’t hers.
They were on her mind so much that, three days later and a week before their train to the wedding, Twilight decided it would be a good idea to perform field research on what made a good married couple, if only to provide some positive control data to compare to the trainwreck wife that was probably leeching off Shining Armor.
It was terrible scientific practice, but shut up, she’s working.
The first data point Twilight needed was a baseline formed on the basics of dating. The precipice line between newfound friendship and a blind crush was razor sharp, based on the sample set of mares-slash-colts asking Twilight out back in Canterlot, but she’d never truly observed actual romance in its simplest form.
(Also, she had no clue what Rainbow Dash and Rarity even did together. They’d mentioned dates before, but Twilight hadn’t seen those. Obviously.)
Taking up her binoculars and notepad, Twilight set off. A familiar indigo-with-pink-streaks ponytail snuck between trees and buildings, before finally settling into an inconspicuous bush. Binoculars then jutted themselves out of the bush, again, totally inconspicuously. Ignore Lyra and Bon Bon staring. Eyes towards targets.
Currently enjoying the weekend were Rainbow Dash and Rarity. Mrs. and Mrs. Dash were heading into a bookstore, which irked Twilight just a little bit. Not because they could have been going to the Golden Oak Library and it would have been way easier for her to eavesdrop perform observational testing, no. In fact, buying books is great! Rather, it blocked her vision. As such, she was forced to make rough inferences on what was occurring within, based on previous knowledge.
“Oh, wow, a first edition of Daring Do and the Griffon’s Goblet!” Rainbow Dash smiled, fluttering her lashes at Rarity. “I would have never found it in the back of this bookshelf without you, Rare-bear.”
“Don’t worry, darling. We did it together,” Rarity cooed, before reaching over Rainbow Dash’s entire body and holding a hoof over hers, “let me help you retrieve it for purchase.”
“Rarity…”
“Rainbow Dash…”
“Rarity…”
“Rainbow Dash…”
The bookstore bell jingled as the married couple left with a bag with a couple of books and smiles on their faces. Twilight yelped and tried to shake off the burning blush on her face, practically shoving the binoculars into her eyesockets as her hooves trembled.
Rainbow Dash’s coat was out of place here and there… and Rarity was walking a centimeter closer behind her than usual… did they…? No. They wouldn’t. Not in public!
Before Twilight had time to recover, they made their way across the plaza to Café Hay. Seeing them sit down for a meal, she readied her quill and readied herself to take notes.
Nothing happened.
Absolutely nothing happened.
Twilight expected a surprise rainstorm, or for Pinkie to come barreling towards them and shake both of them talking about teleporting bread monsters or something, or for… something! But they talked about normal things and did nothing else. They laughed every once in a while. They joked here and there. But that was it!
She was even able to overhear some of it, but that didn’t really help.
Gossip about work: apparently, Thunder Lane accidentally ordered some thunder clouds a week early, and Rarity had been getting some commissions from Canterlot, which she was excited about. Twilight put a footnote down for that.
Gossip about friends: Fluttershy’s been hanging her hair on the other side, which Rainbow Dash thought was a bit freaky, but Rarity thought it was cute. Also, the egghead’s going slowly crazy again, this time from the wedding pressure, and now she’s eavesdropping on them from afar. Not very useful data, there, but Twilight noted it down. Especially the two bits that Rainbow Dash slipped Rarity under the table.
Wait.
Twilight looked at her notes again.
A light blue magic had enveloped her quill, writing down “Gotcha ~” in a neat cursive handwriting.
Stumbling out of the bush, Twilight paused in her scientific observations to attempt to speak to them coherently. The second keyword for today being “attempt”.
“Buh… You knew… When? Since?”
“Lyra gave us the heads-up on our way to the bookstore. You really gotta work on your hiding skills, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash smirked, picking out some leaves from the science pony’s hair.
“After that, we put two and two together. Mind if I see your notes, darling?”
Defeated, Twilight sighed and surrendered the notepad. Looking them over, Rainbow Dash scratched her chin, while Rarity scoffed and shook her head.
“Unfortunately, your observations were anything but astute. You didn’t notice the way my eyes slid over my wife’s figure? The way I was toying with my hair? The prolonged hoof contact as we exchanged bits under the table?”
“I, uh… No, I didn’t. I didn’t realize those were…”
“Oh, dude, Rarity totally does this thing where she giggles and stares too long when she thinks I’m not looking. It’s the cutest. You shoulda wrote that down!”
“Honey!” The unicorn play-smacked Rainbow’s wing, gasping, “I do?”
“Schyeah. Like a lil’ schoolfilly,” Rainbow Dash purred, and Twilight wanted to gag as Rarity swooned into the future Wonderbolt’s legs. Putting away the binoculars, the bookmare cleared her throat, gaining their attention.
“Look, I’m sorry. I know everypony thinks I’m worried about nothing when it comes to my brother’s wedding. I get it, okay? I felt like I couldn’t really… ask anyone what I’m supposed to look for in a happy relationship,” Twilight admitted.
“Hey. I get it. Kinda. Like, my parents love each other, but they supported me… a little too much, so I didn’t really have a good idea of what being in love actually looked like, at first,” Rainbow Dash ran a hoof through her mane, “I think it’s just different for anypony.”
“Excellent advice.” Rarity nodded, before looking apologetically at Twilight.
“I will have to politely ask you from refraining any further from snooping around our dates, though, Twilight. If you must know what our plans were after lunch, we were going to take the long route to Sweet Apple Acres and enjoy a meandering walk before picking up Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, and then dropping them off at their homes.”
“Then, we were gonna have some alone time at my place.”
“Rainbow Dash, please!”
And just like that, the red-hot blush from before exploded back onto Twilight’s face, while the two of them laughed it off.
“Aaaanyways, hope that helps, Twi. See ya tomorrow!”
“Have a good day, dear. I hope you get a better idea of what you’re seeking.”
“Uh, yeah. See you, girls! Sorry for the trouble…”
With that, the couple trotted off in the general direction of the farmlands, leaving Twilight pensive. Love was different for everypony…
Although it sounded good in theory, she still wanted the best for her brother. Holding her reservations for a better day, Twilight packed up her things and headed home, already categorizing what she’d seen today in her head. At least it’d make a good emergency friendship lesson, if none of the other girls had any this week.
A few years later...
"Hm, who'd be a good couple of friends showing compromise in friendship..." Starlight Glimmer tapped her chin, devising the lesson plan, "Rarity and Rainbow Dash? They're pretty different."
Twilight shook her head.
"They're joined at the hip whenever they have the time. Try Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, instead."
"Oh, that's a good one." Starlight nodded, writing it down.
A week (and a mystery on the Friendship Express) later, and Twilight still couldn’t take her mind off both her brother’s wedding and her friends’ ongoing marriage. Her intrusive thoughts had a nightmarish (yet extremely orderly) rotation between Shining’s wife-to-be, whatever Rarity and Rainbow Dash do off-screen, and her own loneliness.
That last one just popped up randomly.
It didn’t have to do with her brother tying the knot with a peg-legged, one-eyed, crusty-beared mare (which was the current iteration of what Mrs. Armor looked like in her mind), or the fact that two of her best friends, both around the same age as her, were eating each other’s faces without her knowledge.
Not at all.
“Why the long face, sugarcube? Yer brother still on yer mind?” Applejack asked politely, scooting closer to her on their train seat.
“Among other things. He never even told me he was dating somepony, let alone that he was engaged. And now he’s getting married? It just…” Twilight sighed. “It feels like we’re drifting apart, sometimes. I just hope I don’t drift apart from you girls, either.”
“From us? Aw, phooey.” Applejack chuckled. “We done saved the world together a couple a’ times, didn’t we? Pretty big barn-buildin’ exercise, right there.”
“You would think! But a third of the save-the-world team was married and I didn’t even know.”
Twilight grumbled wistfully, her eyes flickering over to the other compartment. The rooms were made for four, so Applejack, Twilight, and Spike were in one compartment, while the rest of their friends were in the other: including the Dashes. Thankfully, Spike had dozed off and was asleep by the windowsill.
Applejack huffed, leaning her weight on her flanks as she sat upright. Twilight pondered the ergonomics of an equine resting their weight on their spine, but her eyes came back to Applejack’s face when the cowpony blushed. Huh, was it hot in here?
“Look, we don’t know everything ‘bout each other. That’s just a fact of life. It ain’t the end of the world. Truth be told, Twi,” The farmer mare cleared her throat, eyes averting, “Ah feel like I could stand to learn a lil’ more about you. Spend some time together, an’ all…?”
“You’re right,” the book horse said, obliviously, “I did fail to mention my brother at all. I swear he came up in conversation, but I guess not.”
“Sure, uh, stuff like that,” Applejack waved off. Twilight wasn’t sure why she looked mildly put off. Maybe it was one of those social cues that Princess Celestia always hinted about.
Well, in any case, it would be a friendship problem for later. The conductor had announced that they’d be in Canterlot in less than a filly’s whinny. Which, in Equestrian time, translated to about five minutes.
Twilight triple-checked that her bags were all in order as Canterlot’s alabaster walls came into view.
Canterlot was cool.
The big city. The cream of the crop! Every time Rainbow Dash visited, she always imagined herself flying between carriages and through the big, spiraling towers of Equestria’s capital, maybe even setting the record of going from the gates to the mountaintop and back.
But the biggest daydream of all was what it would be like when, not if, when both she and her life made it big-time. They’d live in one of the luxury spires, with Rainbow Dash kissing her wife every morning before kicking flank as a Wonderbolt, while Rarity’s face was sprawled over every billboard in the central square. And the rest of the girls would visit all the time, and her parents would be chill about everything for once, and they’d have statues and music videos and movies dedicated to the awesomeness of the Dashter.
“Rainbow Dash: Never Say Never” had a great ring to it.
This would be just another stepping stone to greatness! Helping plan the royal wedding of a princess had to score brownie points with the big shots around town. Or, at the very least, look good on a resume. Or was it a CV? What did CV mean again? Cirrocumulus… Vuitar? Whatever, she’d ask Twilight later.
As the train came to a stop, everypony started disembarking. Ever the gentlemare, Rainbow Dash stretched her wings and flew up to the overhead baggage storage.
“Alrighty, here we go… there’s my bag, and… there’s… HRK!”
Her attempt to lift the bedazzled faux-leather brand-name suitcase was foiled by what felt like a boulder. Feeling her front hooves strain immensely, Rainbow Dash grunted and tried to look tough lifting it, but honestly, she was gonna blow a gasket.
“Rares… babygirl… sweet thang… help!”
“Oh, you baby. I’ve got it, I’ve got it.”
The silky-smooth sensation of her wife’s magic took over the suitcase. Rainbow Dash unclenched her teeth and let out a huge breath of relief as Rarity levitated the luggage without issue.
“What’d you pack, rocks?”
“They’re not rocks, they’re gems. And a few yards of fabric, and my good scissors, and my sewing machine, and various other necessities.”
Rainbow Dash groaned. Not this again.
“You don’t have to make the dress on the spot like you did last time.”
“Honey, please, I won’t be making my dress, that’s already packed. This is just in case of a fashion emergency. It’s a royal wedding, after all!”
Knowing exactly how this argument would end if she went down the logical route she wanted to go down, the pegasus laid down a hard objection to that horrific ending. Instead, Rainbow Dash blinked and answered like a well-trained spouse.
“Alright, you probably know what’s best.”
Rarity smirked, her eyes half-lidded. Rainbow could feel all her ancestors in Ancient Pegathens and Spartasus cheering her on as she made the right call.
“That’s right, I do. Just leave the hard part to me, dear.”
Rarity’s well-coifed tail brushed under Rainbow’s chin as she walked past her, and the unga-bunga part of her brain went wild.
Clouds and blue skies above, she loved her wife.
Leaving the train and catching up with her friends, Rainbow Dash was met with what was probably a buckton of guards, all stationed at the station. Scratching her head, she craned her neck to make sure, looking left, right, and up.
Definitely a buckton.
“What’s with all the guards?”
“I'm sure they're just taking the necessary precautions. Royal weddings do bring out the strangest ponies.”
“Achoo!” Pinkie Pie sneezed out confetti, a trumpet noise, and maybe a few mini-balloons, and Rainbow Dash conceded the point.
As Princess Celestia looked down upon her glimmering city (with a telescope, which Rarity found mildly creepy, but she ultimately chalked it up to part of the increased security), their eager sixsome made a beeline towards the main barbican of the Royal Castle, where the Captain of the Guard would be found at this hour.
In the past, Rarity always enjoyed visiting the palace. Canterlot was beautiful, but the castle was its magnum opus. Ah, to live in magnificent marble walls like these…
Gazing upon the architecture and taking in the stunning greenery of the outer lawn was, however, thoroughly trounced by Twilight Sparkle making a scene.
“Twily! I missed you! How was the train ride? I…!”
“Train ride?! How… You…!” Twilight started angrily, before her eyes flickered back to her friends. The bookworm snorted, and Rarity could immediately tell she was holding back. “It’s nice to see you as well, Shiny, but come on, you couldn’t have told me in person? You didn’t even tell me about the engagement? Not even a letter about that?!”
“Ah, about that…” At this, the intrepid Captain looked sheepish, and Rarity leaned in to hear more. “We kind of decided to skip the whole fiancé part. Sorry, I know, it’s shortsighted –”
“So, not only is this a shotgun wedding with royalty, you decided to up and get married without telling me?”
“Twilight, it has nothing to do with the wedding. A threat has been made against Canterlot. We don't know who's responsible for it, but Princess Celestia asked that I help provide additional protection.”
Oooh, there’s his serious face. He looks rather smart with his armor on, with a strong jawline. Rarity’s eyes went to Rainbow Dash. And now she’s imagining that Commander Hurricane outfit during the pageant, but touched up and… reoutfitted. Oh my.
Rarity stood back at attention when Shining Armor reinforced the city-wide protection spell, before clarifying that such a spell relied on him and him only. He pulled Twilight into a private family conversation, and Applejack motioned to the rest of the girls to give them time. As good a time as any for she and her wife to perform their wedding tasks.
Hopefully, that entire "I alone can protect Equestria" thing didn’t come up later.
“Helping the bride and groom during rehearsals” was self-explanatory. While Rarity walked Cadance through the walk down the aisle, Rainbow Dash had the honor of going over the vows, the wedding speeches, and all the other talking points.
Pretty lame on paper, but at the very least, they got to have a bachelor party that afternoon. In Rainbow’s opinion, one hour in the middle of the day was not the way to say goodbye to the unmarried life, but Shining had big Captain duties, so whatever. It’d probably be better if he didn’t have too much cider.
Just a little cider would probably be fine.
Probably.
“WOOO! BRING OUT THE CHICKS!”
With the sound of a big party horn, a box full of chickens was released within the Bitter Apple Bar, the finest farm-themed cider bar this side of Canterlot. Of course, it was nothing compared to a Ponyville hoedown, but the cider was cheap and the bar was open all day. The best part, of course, being the chickens.
All the colts, baby dragons, and rainbow-maned mares lost their minds as the birds started doing a cool chicken dance.
“WOOOOO!”
Spike even had a chicken dancing on his lap. How awesome was that?!
“Rainbow Smash… I’ve only known you for maybe four hours of my life…” Shining Armor hiccuped, held up by two members of the Royal Guard, who were mildly tipsy, “…but you’re my main mare. You hear me? My maaain maaare! Drinks on me!”
“Haha yeah, you heard the guy! Here’s to happily ever after! And my name's Rainbow Dash.”
"Oh, sorry. Cheers!"
Cider mugs clapped together above their heads as froth sloshed out of them. Truly, the ambrosia of the gods.
A bit more quietly, Shining sidled up to Rainbow Dash, grinning like a loon. Who knew Twilight’s brother was a complete lightweight? Man, this was good blackmail material.
“How do ya do it, RD?”
“Huh?”
“Y’know, have a happy marriage. We’re not even married, and Cadance is in total bridezilla mode. It’s like I don’t even know her anymore!”
Ah. Rainbow knew that feeling very well. Dedicating herself to Ponyville’s biggest prima donna provided her with ample experience.
“Yeah, well, sometimes mares get pretty high maintenance, especially if it’s something super important to them. You just gotta remember to be there for her. But don’t be a doormat! You gotta make sure you’re both on the same cloud.”
“I mean, I try, but every time we argue, she gets this villain glare, and says something like “you dare question me?!”. Then, I get this killer headache, and my brain screams out something about an impostor or whatever,” Shining Armor sighs, looking down his drink, “Thankfully Cady has that migraine spell. I can never remember what we were arguing about after she uses it, though.”
He shrugged, gulping down more of his cider. “Must be a side effect. Like the ones on commercials.”
Rainbow Dash paused mid-drink. Memories of a temporarily-insane purple horse casting a Want-It, Need-It Spell instantly came to mind: as well as memories of being totally obsessed with a raggedy Mr. Smartypants doll. Sipping slowly, she licked the froth mustache off her lips and hummed thoughtfully.
“Y’know, my wife has something similar,” Dash lied slowly, thanking the heavens above that she didn’t have the Element of Honesty, “tell me about how Cadance does that, again?”
“Providing experienced insights on the wedding venue and attire” was less self-explanatory than the previous assignment for Mrs. and Mrs. Dash. Rarity, however, made the most of it, and focused on the last word in that phrase. With that in mind, she was able to find some time in Cadance’s schedule to help with any last-minute changes she wanted to make in terms of dress.
The first thing she learned? Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was the absolute worst type of mare to take a commission for.
More beading and a longer train, pah! In a perfect world, she should be a bit more generous with her client, but it seemed that the bride didn’t realize how long her request would take.
Making a longer train would require making the train from scratch: you couldn’t just sew more onto the end like patchwork! And undoing all the beading?! She’d need more than the scant moment she was able to carve into the pre-wedding schedule!
“Oh. Yes. Of course.” Rarity agreed curtly, holding her tongue. She was still a lady, after all. One under work-related duress, but still a lady! She just needed to keep a stiff upper lip.
“And those should be a different color.”
And now she was making dresses from scratch?!
“I think they’re lovely.”
Rarity refrained from snapping the quill in her magical grip, partly thanks to the compliment given by Twinkleshine. A lovely girl, really: although Rarity wasn’t certain of why she was Cadance’s bridesmaid. Perhaps a close personal friend, rather than a royal?
“Me too!”
“I love them.”
Rarity’s notetaking paused as she realized who the other bridesmaids were. The blue mare, Minuette, was apparently a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns: Maybe Cadance had met her there and they’d gotten along.
The attendance of Lyra Heartstrings, however, drove up Rarity’s hunger for gossip.
“Make them a different color.” Cadance demanded, stalking away.
“Gee, maybe her name should be "Princess Demandy-pants."”
Raising an eyebrow at Twilight’s vague attempt to be clever, Rarity humphed and put her notepad down. Walking past Twilight, Rarity had her focus right on the mint-colored unicorn in her sights. Her je-ne-sais-quoi made Lyra freeze in place, locking eyes with her.
“One moment, Twilight, dear. I’d like some…” interrogation time, Rarity’s mind supplied, “…alone time with some of the bridesmaids to get their own input on these dresses. I’ll be back posthaste.”
Lyra gulped.
“Bet I can guess what you’re all thinking.” Twilight begun, before her smile became downright nasty. “Cadance is the absolute worst bride-to-be ever.”
The entire table looked at her with concern. Surprisingly, only half the table looked at her like she was crazy for saying it: that being Applejack, Fluttershy, and Spike. Pinkie Pie was just Pinkie Pie, while Rainbow Dash and Rarity seemed to actually be interested in what she had to say.
See? See?! She wasn’t completely crazy in thinking Shining’s bride was an evil monster sent to doom them all! Haha! Ahahaha!
What followed, though, wasn’t quite what Twilight expected.
“Five bits she’s brainwashing Shining Armor,” Rainbow Dash huffed, nursing an ice-cold water, cringing like she had a mean headache.
“No bet,” Rarity clicked her teeth, before countering, “Two bits she’s brainwashing Shining Armor and half the staff."
“Half the staff? No way she got that many. Deal!”
The two shook hooves on it, while the rest of them looked in befuddled awe.
“Don’t tell me y’all are believin’ Twilight’s nonsense too!” Applejack said, pointing a hoof at the Dashes.
“Nonsense?” Twilight found her voice again, raising an eyebrow in defiance. “Cadance is totally different from how I remember her, and moreover, absolutely not a mare that deserves Shiny! I mean, have you seen how she’s been treating everypony?”
“Oh, puh-lease! I’ve dealt with way worse bridezillas than Princess Pizza Pie That’s Amore!” Pinkie blabbered, rolling her eyes, “Rarity included! No offense.”
“None. Taken.” Rarity glared, affronted.
“Ponies get wedding nerves all the time. It’s totally part of the party process. Trust the process!”
“Except she hasn’t even been talking to Shining at all, except when they argue. And apparently, she gives him enough of a migraine that he needs a memory loss spell!” Rainbow Dash threw her hooves up. “Even if my brainwashing theory’s a load of ponyfeathers, that’s an awful way to start a marriage.”
“And I suppose you’re the romance guru now, Mrs. Dash?” Applejack harrumphed, sticking her nose up.
“She knows more than you, you eternal bachelorette,” The fashionista challenged the earth pony, scowling.
And then it devolved into name-calling and pointing hooves at each other. Well, for them, at least. Twilight did her best to construct a well-delivered and concise argument as to why Cadance was the absolute last mare in Equestria who deserved her brother, Granny Smith and Pinkie’s mom included, which may or may not have added to the cacophony of name-calling and pointing hooves.
“Um… excuse me… Girls…? I… Nope.”
Fluttershy inhaled sharply.
“QUIET!”
The booming, echoing command silenced them all. Spike stopped playing with his Cadance figure. Fluttershy stood up from the table, her infamous glare cowing the five other mares into place.
“Girls! I’m very upset with what’s been said about Cadance behind her back. She’s the bride, for Celestia’s sake. It’s entirely possible that you’ve just got the wrong idea. Especially because you three often jump to conclusions… S-Sorry, but you do.”
Before Applejack and Pinkie Pie could feel better about themselves, Fluttershy focused her stare on them.
“And you! Even if they’re talking about personality shifts or brainwashing – Which, I’m sorry, but I still don’t believe that – That doesn’t mean something’s not wrong.”
A stiff silence fell over the group. Twilight sighed, slumping her chin down onto the table.
“Fluttershy’s right. Let’s talk about it in the morning, okay? I still don’t think this marriage should happen, but arguing like this won’t solve anything. I’m gonna go take a walk.”
“The stars are quite beautiful this time of night. I believe I shall join you.” Rarity stood up, jutting her nose up. She was still angry, Twilight could tell, but willing to let go of it for now.
“Well, if you’re going, I’m going.” Rainbow Dash grunted.
With that, the group parted ways, with the other three and Spike heading back to their rooms in the castle.
As their trio silently wandered Canterlot’s streets, Twilight felt her argumentative passion simmer down into a disappointing pile of ash in the bottom of her heart. She still couldn’t let go of the idea that this whole marriage was wrong. She didn’t know anything about the brainwashing stuff that the Dashes were talking about, but it’d make a whole lot more sense than Shining Armor falling for somepony like that.
However, when they rounded a corner, Twilight suddenly couldn’t move. Her limbs were all locked into place, and her vision was caught in a sickly green magic. Shifting her eyes, it seemed that Rainbow Dash and Rarity were caught, as well.
Panicked, she looked for the source of the magic: a hooded mare, walking out of an alley. One with a familiar pink coat and a flowing, multi-colored mane.
But it wasn't Cadance; couldn't be Cadance. Cadance's magic was magenta, and felt like love and hugs and holding hooves. And Cadance has been acting out of character all day, and didn't remember their dance... or, didn't know it. She was a fake?
“You know, I had planned to do this once I’d charmed Shining Armor into complete submission and manipulated your insipid friends against you. I suppose the Elements of Loyalty and Generosity would be willing to hear out a crazed little creature like you, though. Thankfully, my schedule is rather flexible.”
Burning emerald eyes seared into Twilight’s vision, with pupils like slits, confirming her theory. An unhearable voice called out to Twilight. Sleep, it beckoned. Close your eyes, it tempted.
“Goodnight, little ponies. A shame you’ll be oversleeping, on such a perfect day.”
Despite her willpower, Twilight Sparkle couldn’t hold onto the waking world. Darkness filled her vision.
Rainbow Dash started soaring through the cave system the moment she could. Cursing Princess Cadance or whoever that pony was, the pegasus shelved her intrusive violent thoughts in favor of keeping her eyes sharp and her head on a swivel.
Rarity. Rarity and Twilight. She needed to look for any smidgen of purple (either dark mulberry or lavender, if Rainbow had to name specific shades) within this giant crystal mirror fun-house of a cave. Maybe even a deep magenta, or a dark fuchsia. Or an off indigo?
Wait. Moderate violet! Maybe that was Rarity under different lighting? It was dark in here, and Rainbow was solely relying on her night vision.
Screeching into a U-turn, the blue rainbow horse rounded back to her target. When she saw the pony up close, though, all those intrusive violent thoughts from before came rushing back.
“You!” Rainbow pointed a shaking hoof at Princess Cadance, grinding her teeth. “I’d planned to bury my hoof past your ribs later, but we can do it now! Now open your mouth, we’re going the long way!”
“No, wait, please!” The Tartarus-spawn begged, holding her hooves up in defense. “I’m the real Princess Cadance: the fake one tossed me in here!”
“As if I’d believe that again.” Rainbow Dash growled, before pouncing on the pretty pink sack of fertilizer and trying to wrestle her hooves away from her face. “Now. Mouth. Open. Wide! Like the dentist.”
“Wait! …That smell! You went to the Bitter Apple Bar? The one with the chickens? Have you seen Shiny – HURK!”
Now with one hoof down the stack of dimes that Cadance called a neck, Rainbow Dash was determined to turn her well-polished hoof sideways and shove it straight down her –
“Dd hm cm ym hmm mmn mrr?!” Cadance yelped frantically with watery eyes, and Rainbow Dash paused. Fluent in ‘mouth-full-of-stuff-ese’ thanks to Pinkie Pie, she was pretty sure the pink horse had said, “Did he call you his main mare”?
“…What if he did?”
Cadance ptooy-ed out Dash’s hoof.
“He does that to everypony he drinks with. Mainly because he can’t handle his drinks at all. Also, he barely has any friends outside of me, so he just brings his work buddies along whenever he goes. It’s kind of concerning, and I tell him about it, but he just swoons and says I’m all he needs, which is really not healthy and somewhat co-dependent; we’re kind of working on it…!”
Man, what was with pink horses and talking fast? Then again, Rainbow Dash was inches away from giving her a severe case of heartburn with the tip of her foreleg, so maybe that played into it.
Anyways. There was one trick up her non-existent sleeve she still had: a trick she’d learned from Gilda, for what little good that griffon did for her in the past.
Magenta eyes seared into Cadance’s own.
“Tell me something nopony would know about Shining Armor.”
“Wh-What…?”
“Answers, lady! Tell me something about Shining Armor nopony would know! Something that could hurt him. Real bad.”
“I…!” Cadance stuttered for a few moments, before something in her eyes hardened. Like a sword being drawn, or the thunder before lightning. “…No. I’d rather get turned into an upside-down muppet. Like the dentist, right? Let’s do it.”
Rainbow Dash’s heart dropped for a moment as she got off Cadance. The real Cadance, who’d probably been trapped in here forever. Trying to hide her surprise, the pegasus held a hoof forward to help the princess up.
“You pass.”
“Huh…?” Cadance muttered, before taking her hoof.
“Rainbow Dash, Element of Loyalty, future Wonderbolt, and currently missing one wife and one best friend,” Rainbow introduced herself bitterly, “pleasure to actually meet you this time, Princess. Sorry for the surprise ENT inspection.”
“Just call me Cadance. And it’s fine, I was just as furious when she tossed me down here too.” Cadance sighed, looking down. “I get it.”
“So, shapeshifting and brainwashing unicorn…?” Rainbow Dash gestured vaguely, not sure how to broach the topic after being elbow-deep in the other mare’s mouth only seconds ago.
“No, a changeling. Princess Celestia called for the city-wide security barrier because one was discovered in the castle itself and confessed to a future invasion. Not like it helped,” Cadance grumbled, “since the main queen is currently masquerading as me.”
“Well, let’s find Rarity and Twilight, bust out of here, and kick her flank, then!” Rainbow provided the obvious answer to the problem.
“Twilight? As in Twilight Sparkle? The impostor had enough time to drain me of my magic, but if Twilight was thrown in here recently…” Cadance furrowed her brows in focus. “…Your wife is Rarity, right? We can find her first, at least.”
“Yeah, definitely! …Pretty quick to assume my wife isn't Twilight.” Not that Rainbow minded, per say, but it was funny.
“I know her. There’s no way she gets in a relationship that quickly, let alone married. You got hitched young, huh?” Cadance giggled.
To Rainbow, however, it just brought a deep pang of awfulness down on her chest. A burning need for revenge, mild panic, but mostly concern. Rarity was still down here, somewhere.
“That’s what everypony says.” Rainbow’s own eyes steeled, just like Cadance's before. “I love her, Princess.”
“Good. Keep focusing on that feeling, this is one of my few love spells that isn’t straight-up mind control or pheromone manipulation.”
Cadance clenched her teeth and channeled the measly bit of magic she still had, before a crimson string of pure love magic shot out of Rainbow Dash and zigzagged through the cave. Like a migrating bird, Rainbow felt the unthinking need to follow that thread now.
She squinted at Cadance, who gave her a sheepish grin as they both readied for takeoff.
“…Okay, so the Red Thread Redemption spell is a little mind control-ly. Let’s go find your wife!”
Twilight had a killer headache, and her body hurt all over her everything.
As the world slowly blurred into focus, Twilight did her best to stand on all four hooves, trying to fight past her migraine to conjure a simple illumination spell.
The moment her horn lit up, she yelped and immediately jumped back as she was surrounded by an infinite number of ponies.
...No. Not that. Mirrors: or, rather, reflective crystals, all over just about every wall she could see. Where even was she? Oh, Tartarus: what time was it even?
Twilight, almost automatically, twincast two of the first spells she ever learned: The Where-Am-I and the What-Time-Is-It spell. As more focused magic rolled out of her horn, Twilight created a projection of her global positioning, as well as the current Equestrian time.
She got her answer: Somewhere in the mountains attached to Canterlot, and it was mid-morning. The ceremony would be in roughly three hours.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” She called out into the infinite mirror void, the abyss endlessly reflected around her. She knew some of her philosophy professors would have a field day with this place.
“Twilight? Twilight, is that you?” Rarity’s voice echoed through the mine.
“Rarity! I’m over here!”
Well-manicured hooves galloped in the distance, and Rarity appeared from behind a mirror, her horn also lit. Her perfect mane was mildly out of place.
“Oh, thank goodness! I’ve been trying to find either of you for an eternity. My hooves are cracked. My hair is wretched…! I’m hideous!”
“I just woke up. I hope Rainbow Dash is okay,” Twilight looked around, trying to find any other sign of life, before venturing forth into the cave system, “We can’t let that impostor win. We have to warn everypony as soon as possible!”
“Should we split up?” Rarity asked, following. “You find the exit, while I get Dashie. Goodness knows if we need the Elements of Harmony.”
Twilight almost retorted with her faith in Princess Celestia and Princess Luna’s ability to subdue any shapeshifter in Equestria, but two parts of that statement struck her as queer. (In the sense of being unusual, but also in the other way.)
Firstly, that Rarity was absolutely the Element of Generosity. She was immediately willing to grant Twilight the most immediate path to freedom and offered to dive back into an unknown labyrinth of mirrors and crystals, possibly the size of the mountain’s interior, with no source of food or water at all, just to find Rainbow Dash. It was incredibly touching.
Secondly…
“Why do you call her Dashie?”
“Strange question to prioritize, Ms. Sparkle,” Rarity raised an eyebrow as they cantered along abandoned mine carts and old makeshift crafting tables, “but that’s been my nickname for her for years. Just because I’m also a Dash now doesn’t change those memories.”
“Sorry. It’s just… with everything that’s happened in the last few weeks, it feels like I don’t know anypony around me at all.”
“Darling, that’s not true…”
“Except it kind of is, isn’t it?”
Twilight sniffled, as reality hit her after a very hard day and a personal betrayal. Scratch that: multiple personal betrayals.
“My friends have been married this entire time, and everypony thinks I’m silly for never seeing it. Shiny’s having a Las Pegasus wedding with my princess babysitter. Half my friend group thinks I’m the colt who cried wolf, and said babysitter was an impostor who kidnapped me and my friends!”
Rarity stopped walking. “Twilight…”
“I’m sorry, I know it’s a really bad time to unload all this, but… It’s all been too much…”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything. In fact, it’s the other way around.” Rarity said, putting a hoof on Twilight’s back. Was she crying? She didn’t even register that she was crying. “I can’t speak on behalf of the others, but I personally regret that Rainbow and I never had the time to complete that discussion. We should have taken your doubts seriously at the time, just as our doubts about the wedding should have also been considered.”
Twilight wiped away her tears with the back of her hoof, doing her best to look Rarity in the eyes.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. And Rainbow is too, I just know it. And, married or not, we’ll always be the best of friends. I’m sure that your brother and his wife-to-be feel just the same.”
Twilight hugged Rarity tightly, caving into her warmth and burying her face in the other unicorn’s neck.
“Thank you, Rarity,” Twilight said, before noticing the red thread now sticking out of her back. Was that one of Cadance’s self-patented spells…?
“Any time, deaaaaaRRRRR?!”
Upon seeing a blood red source of unknown magecraft erupt from her back, Rarity fainted with her hooves up, making a goat sound.
“Cadance, oh, you have no idea how happy I am to see you! Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake…”
“Clap your hooves and do a little shake! Twilight, thank goodness you’re here!”
Ugh. Who was making all the racket this early in the morning? It better not be Sweetie Belle… wait, this wan’t her bed.
Rarity woke up to the smell of faint ozone and cheap cider and deodorant and love. Memories rushed back into her brain, and were quickly shelved away in favor of what was right in front of her.
“Dashie, my love? Have you come to rescue me?” She said faintly, instinctively cupping a hoof over Rainbow’s cheek.
“All day, every day.” Dashie chuckled, her voice an octave lower with her signature growl.
Without needing any more words, Rarity lunged forth and claimed a righteous kiss from her wife, melting into her mouth. Once they separated, Rarity’s eyes trailed slowly from her favorite pegasus in the world to Twilight Sparkle and, presumably, the real Princess Cadance, seeing how Dashie wasn’t attempting to cave her face in.
Twilight had a bright violet blush on her face, smile awkward as her eyes looked to Mi Amore Cadenza for guidance. Oh. That would be the first time she saw them share a kiss, wouldn’t it? Well, she’d better get used to it: Rarity was going to make it a point to be more public about her feelings.
Princess Cadance, on the other hand, had her eyes widened, and glowed with pink magic. She looked like she took the first breath of fresh air after days in a coffin. Half-starved, dirty, and unkempt as she was, the Princess had a sudden, almost startling vibrance. Like a mare who’d trekked through the Appleloosan Desert and had just gulped down her first mug of water in days.
Cadance stepped forward, bowing as gracefully as she could in these trying times.
“It’s a pleasure to meet both of you. We need to be quick, though: the ceremony is starting soon, and I am not missing out on my own wedding!”
“Oh, yes,” Rarity scrambled to her hooves, “Yes, of course! We still haven’t found the exit, though.”
“No need. I know where it is,” Cadance cut her off, before suddenly extending her wings, “I had all my magic drained, so I could never get past the guards there, but with the latent love coming off you two? I’ve got this. Hold on tight!”
Then, Rarity was casually reminded of the fact that alicorns had the traits of all three pony tribes, when Princess Cadance picked both of the unicorns up with her forelegs and took off like a cherubic arrow.
“H-Hey, no fair on the head start!” Rainbow yelped, before following.
A brainwashed Lyra, Minuette, and Twinkleshine all stood guard at the only exit from Canterlot’s abandoned mines. With both Minuette and Twinkleshine’s magical prowess as a result of being CSGU students (Lyra was just happy to be included), they had an easy time keeping the magically inert Cadance at bay.
Until the pretty pink pony princess blew past them like they were bowling pins. Lyra had the Ponyville-trained sense to duck at the last moment, but the other two were thrown off their hooves instantly and knocked out.
Sticking her head back up, Lyra looked around in wild panic, before a rainbow dashed past her and also knocked her out.
“Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace…”
After reading so many romance novels with this overdone yet objectively impactful cliche, (and all the heartbreak this wedding had already offered her) Twilight was ecstatic to finally be able to partake in this trope.
“WE OBJECT!”
The sight of three unkempt Elements of Harmony kicking open the double doors of the castle made every guest gasp and rise to their hooves. Everypony except the apparent bride, who was currently seething behind her bridal veil.
Princess Cadance: the true Princess Cadance, not at full strength, but empowered more than the impostor was expecting, landed menacingly in front of the trio, eyes full of fire.
“That princess again, of all places…” The impostor growled, ripping off her veil as her eyes glowed green with rage. Princess Celestia looked at her as though she grew a second head.
“I found you, faker,” Cadance took a step forward challengingly, before pointing a hoof at not-Cadance.
“Faker? I think you’re the fake royalty here. You’re comparing yourself to me? Ha! You’re not even good enough to –”
“I’LL MAKE YOU EAT THOSE WORDS!”
Cadance lunged at the doppelganger, and in a gout of emerald flame, the impostor revealed her true colors: a gigantic, towering changeling, as tall as Celestia herself. Who then emitted a burst of magic, causing Shining’s eyes to glow green, drool sopping from his lips.
Then the city shield disappeared, and all Tartarus broke loose.
The entirety of Canterlot was now getting swarmed by dive-bombing changelings. Most of the crowd screamed and rushed out of the ceremony hall, nearly trampling each other. Princess Luna sprang into action first, attempting to blast the changeling queen with magic… only to be deflected by three changelings, who each turned into copies of Shining Armor, whose shields were insanely powerful even when copied.
Cadance and Princess Celestia were both facing off against the queen – whose name was revealed to be Chrysalis since Twilight overheard her monologuing mid-fight. She’d consider how that’s actually a very efficient way to monologue, for a villain, if the fate of Equestria wasn’t in the balance. Queen Chrysalis’s strength was vast, likely due to her sapping both Shining and Cadance of most of their power, but that wasn’t Twilight’s prerogative currently.
No, her attention was on the impromptu family reunion currently happening on the floor.
“Shiner? C’mon, big guy, Equestria needs you!” Her father, Night Light was frantically shaking Shiny by his shoulders, while both her mother and Spike tried to pull him away to safety, “Shining? Shining!”
“Dad! Dad, you need to go!” Twilight yelled out as she sprinted towards them, “Please, it’s not safe!”
“I can’t. I can’t let both of you walk into something like this again, my heart can’t take it!”
“Honey, please!” “Mr. Light, c’mon!”
Oh, Twilight was going to hate herself for days over what she was about to do.
Encapsulating her parents in a protective bubble, her dad found himself being whisked away from his son, along with her mom and Spike. Slamming his front hooves onto the walls and begging Twilight to let him go, the unicorn held back tears as she levitated them to safety, on a distant rooftop.
“I’m sorry, dad! I swear, we’ll fix this!”
Catching her breath from the exertion of levitating three ponies over a long distance, Twilight turned towards the rest of the fight.
Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash were working in tandem to carve a path for the Cutie Mark Crusaders to run away. Pinkie was throwing pies from behind a table, while Fluttershy hid behind that same table, shakily offering pies to Pinkie.
Twilight did her best to fend off the hordes of changelings, magic erupting from her horn even as her entire body burned from the strain. All of that came to a halt, however, when there was a bang, and then a clatter, as Princess Celestia fell to the ground unconscious with a burnt horn.
Twilight didn’t know what to do or think, looking down at her fallen mentor. The next words fell out of her mouth automatically.
“We need to get the Elements of Harmony!”
With the Ponyville foals evacuated, Twilight shook herself out of her trance and attempted to gallop out the doors with the rest of the girls, already mapping out the way to the royal treasury. If only it had been that easy.
“Oh, I don’t think I’ll be letting you make the attempt! Now perish!”
Seeing their retreat, Queen Chrysalis disengaged from the fight with Cadance, and all Twilight heard was the doors slamming in front of them, and then a bolt of magic, and then a ladylike gasp, and then...!
“NO!”
A prismatic contrail blasted past Twilight and intercepted the eldritch blast meant for Rarity.
Twilight froze as Rainbow Dash landed on the tiled floor with a thud. Her wings and legs twitched involuntarily, her eyes struggled to focus on anything, and her coat was seared around her chest. It was a direct shot to the heart.
Rarity immediately fell to her wife’s side, stuttering about how she was to blame, and how it was supposed to be her, and trying to apply pressure to the wound. Her white hooves stained red. Mascara and tears ran down her face like heavy rain.
“Dashie, please, please get up – We still need to save the day, a-and smooch the ladies, and make the sickest of contrails…!”
“It’s a wedding, not a Wonderbolt exhibition…” Rainbow Dash laughed weakly, offering a smile to Rarity. She was still twitching.
It only made Rarity sob harder.
Queen Chrysalis, that absolute egomaniac just broke out into a maniacal laugh, and was even about to go into a heartsong before Cadance pounced on her from behind and resumed the fight. As magic blasts and chairs were hurled everywhere, and changelings continued to flood the room, Fluttershy yanked Rarity away and started assertively ripping up a tablecloth to apply first aid to Rainbow’s wound.
Twilight was sorely tempted to jump back into the fray to help Cadance, but with Rainbow here, she knew she needed to protect her friends. She gathered up her magic to create her own shield bubble around her friends while the pegasus was tended to, the walls quickly rising around them...
...Except Rarity vaulted over her half-generated shield at the last second.
“Rarity, no!” Applejack scrambled to go grab her, before Pinkie pulled her back into the shield. And all they heard before the shield completed was:
“Rarity, yes.”
Cadance’s eyes danced wildly in every direction as Chrysalis attacked her with an onslaught of illusions, bio-magicks, and arcana. Flapping her wings over a web shot, before ducking under a magic missile, Cadance levitated and smashed a vase into Chrysalis’s face, and got a scowl and a serpentine hiss in response.
Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a new contender. Not Princess Luna, who was still fending off hordes of changelings from completely overwhelming the hall, but a white unicorn with mascara running down her face and blood on her hooves.
“My name is Rarity Dash.”
Her horn shimmered, and dozens of gemstones erupted from the bridesmaids’ dresses, orbiting lazily around her.
“You hurt my wife.”
The gemstones suddenly sharpened and aimed towards Chrysalis. One of them elongated to the length of a sword.
“Prepare to die.”
Rolling her envy-green eyes, the changeling snarled and let loose another blast of magic, with the same level of power that knocked Cadance’s auntie out, and injured Rainbow Dash.
Rarity deflected it, with the reflective flat of the sword-gem. CLANG.
Chrysalis growled and shot three more times.
CLANG.
CLANG.
CLANG.
Rarity’s fury tempered into focused, murderous intent. She walked forward slowly.
“My name is Rarity Dash. You hurt my wife. Prepare to die.”
Cadance watched as Chrysalis grew more furious at the alabaster mare. More energy blasts, and this time, a few other spells.
CLANG.
CLANG.
SNKT!
Rarity wasn’t even phased by the carriage-sized adhesive webbing that she’d just cut in half. Instead, she approached Chrysalis with more thunder in her step.
“Who even are you, pony?!”
“I’ll repeat myself once more: my name is Rarity Dash, you hurt my wife, prepare to die!”
As sword parried horn and gems whirled into lethal action, Cadance suddenly felt even more invigorated now. With every strike, with every low growl of Rarity seeing red, the magic of love flooded out from the furious unicorn and saturated the room like cinnamon in a dry mouth.
With more strength in her now than before the fight even started, Cadance double-checked that Rarity would survive this duel (and, judging by how frustrated Chrysalis was getting, Rarity was winning), and then galloped towards her broken husband.
“Shiny, please wake up…” Cadance pleaded, picking his body up and looking into his vacant expression.
Nothing.
Tearing up, Cadance embraced him tightly and poured her magic into him. Her love, her affection, all her memories with him. The best of times, the worst of times, everything. Everything from when he proposed, to her first date, to the Playcolt magazines he thought he hid so well, everything in her heart was shared with him.
“Wha… Where am I?”
Pulling back with a startle, Shining Armor looked at his surroundings confusedly, holding his head.
Then, he blanched at the mare who currently had Chrysalis pinned behind a spell shield, whacking away at it with an even bigger gem-sword than before.
“And how do I recruit that mare into the Royal Guard?”
He shook his head.
“Nevermind. Cady, I don’t have enough power for the spell,” he said, already springing into action, even after weeks of brainwashing. One of the many reasons she loved him. His magic crackled and fizzed around his horn, but even as he put his all into it, there wasn’t even a spark of a shield.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
And as their eyes locked, Cadance allowed magic to flow through her, becoming a nexus of all the love she’s felt since returning and turning it into a magic all its own. Not only all her own love, which was already plentiful – but the love of everypony around her.
She pressed her horn against his own, and light filled the city.
“Ugh… hate the smell of hospitals…”
Rainbow Dash blinked, before practically vaulting out of bed.
“RARITY!”
Then, she yelped and tripped over her hospital blanket, flank-over-face. Luckily, she was caught by the prettiest girl in the world.
“I’m right here, darling. Everything’s okay now.”
Rainbow paused and looked around. Looks like everypony was here for when she woke up, including the royal family.
“Saved Equestria?”
“Saved Equestria.” Princess Celestia nodded.
“Am I best mare at the wedding?”
“You can be, if Spike wants to give up best man.” Shining Armor looked to the dragon.
“After all that? Totally.” Spike gave a thumbs up. “I’ll even give you my speech.”
Rainbow eyed her shaved chest, her coat gone from where she was hit. Cool stitches.
“Can I get that arrow heart tattoo I’ve always wanted?”
“Now you’re pushing it.” Rarity rolled her eyes, and then kissed her.
In the end, it was the second-best wedding Rainbow Dash has ever attended.
