> Adventures of Zebra Anon > by ImNew2023 > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Anon gets a Job > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the quiet town of Ponyville, Anon the Zebra sat looking at the ceiling with his land-mare Twilight Sparkle. “How did you get a marmalade sandwich on the ceiling?” She asked. Looking at the piece of bread stuck to the wooden material above them, both confused and somewhat impressed he managed to get it up there. “I didn’t” the zebra replied. “Then what is that?” She asked, turning her gaze to Anon. “It’s vegemite” Anon corrected. Rolling her eyes, Twilight’s horn lit up as the sandwich was removed from the ceiling and the stain left behind was removed. “Again, how did you get it up there?” Twilight asked. “I’ll level with you Twiggles, I don’t have a clue” Anon admitted. It’s been months since Anon was turned from a human to a zebra by Twilight in an effort to get him back to his own world and so far he’s been nothing but trouble for the purple bookworm. “Anon, I think it’s time we talk about getting you your own place to live” Twilight stated. Letting out an exaggerated gasp, Anon touched his chest with his hoof at the mere suggestion of it. “Oh I see how it is, you kidnap me from my home and put me in this twisted form, but after I refuse to entertain your lewd fantasies you throw me aside!” He accused the purple bookworm. “I told you a million times, this isn’t some weird sex thing! I genuinely didn’t plan for you to get turned into a zebra!” Twilight defended herself. “Bullshit. I’ve seen your porn stash, it’s all rather Celestia booty pics or stories about lonely housewives getting “striped” by big black & white co-“ Anon began to reply before his mouth was magically sealed shut. “Anon, you’re my friend. But you are IMPOSSIBLE to live with. You’ve broken three toilets during parties you threw while I was out of town, turned the sofa into a warhead that almost started a war with the Yaks and you put milk in before the cereal!”  Despite her valid points, Anon remained resolute that he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Ok other than that name ONE thing I’ve done that warrants this” Anon requested. “How about the weeks following your transformation where you went around having sex with any mares who’d say yea resulting in several divorces” Twilight reminded him. “Hey if those marriages were built to last they wouldn’t have slept with me” Anon argued. It wasn’t that Twilight wanted to get rid of Anon, she valued her unorthodox friend quite a bit, but time and time again his chaos had turned the town upside down.  “Alright alright, you don’t have to move out, but I do want you to get a job. Being cooped up in the house all day clearly isn’t good for you” Twilight said. Considering his “activities” Anon doubted heavily he could find work. But with his housing situation on the line he knew he had to try. So setting out into town, Anon began his hunt for employment. Passing several of its residents, being greeted by some and ignored by others. “Fuck you” “Fuck you” “Fuck you” “Morning” Anon greeted back, having grown used to the method in which he was greeted by. “Fuck you Anon” Diamond Tiara said as she trotted past on the way to school. “Morning Diamond, how are your parents?” Anon greeted the little shit. “Still getting a divorce” she replied, a hint of venom in her tone. Continuing his trot, Anon pondered on what job he could possibly get. Deciding wandering about town looking for somepony to hire him would be a waste of time he headed directly to the Mayor’s office. He had heard there was an employment office there so it was a good place to start. Entering the office building, Anon was met by the Mayor herself. Sitting at a desk going through paperwork, Mayor Mare looked up to see Anon standing at the entrance. “Oh hello Anon, what can I do for you today?” She asked. “Morning Mayor Mare, I need a job, you wouldn’t happen to have any going would you?” Anon explained. Rummaging through her desk’s drawer, Mayor Mare pulled out a piece of paper and slid it over to Anon. “Here’s an employment seeker’s form. Just fill out the questions the best you can and I’ll see what’s available” Mayor Mare explained. About half an hour passed as Anon filled out the form.  Reading through it, Mayor Mare’s face cringed, member before had she seen a less employable creature. “So pretty good right?” Anon asked optimistically. Adjusting her glasses, Mayor Mare’s mind turned trying to figure out a nice way of breaking the news to Anon. “Anon, you put your greatest weakness as pork chops” she pointed out. “Yes, and?” Anon asked. “I’ll be straight with you Mr Anon, you come off as hostile, uneducated and from the question that asked you why you sought Equestrian citizenship you put “because Celestia has a phat ass” I can see you have no problem using foul language in a professional setting. I’m sorry but I don’t see a single job in all of Ponyville you’re qualified to do… unless-“ Mayor Mare explained, before a thought crossed her mind. “Here we go” Anon groaned as he made his way around the desk. “What are you doing?” Mayor Mare asked, curious what the zebra was up to. “I’ve been in this situation before, fine I’ll fuck you if you can get me a job, let’s just make it quick I’ve got places to be” Anon said flatly, for he indeed had many places to be. Going bright red, Mayor Mare backed away from the black and white stallion. “That’s most certainly NOT what I meant!” She snapped, the mere idea offending her. “It isn’t? Then what the hell did you mean by “unless?” Anon asked. —— Meanwhile at couple’s therapy, Filthy and Spoiled Rich sat trying to sort out their problems. A magenta coloured pegasus stallion was sat with a clipboard writing down notes as he had for the last two hours. “Alright Mrs Rich, is there anything you want to say to your husband?” The therapist asked. Messing with her hair slightly, Spoiled avoided making eye contact with her husband. “Filthy, I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough but I really am” Spoiled confessed, still not having the courage to look Filthy in the eye. Taking in what she had said, Filthy looked at the floor for a few seconds before turning his gaze back to her. “I can’t forgive you for what you did Spoiled, but if you’re willing to put the work into fixing us, I’m willing do the same. If not for our marriage then for our daughter” he replied. “I’m glad the two of you are on the same page, now quick question Mrs Rich, this “Anon” fellow, he wouldn’t happen to be a zebra would he? The therapist asked. “Oh great! Let me guess you’re sleeping with him to?” Filthy groaned, clearly agitated by the sound of Anon’s name. “No, it’s just he’s running right as us” the therapist replied as he pointed his hoof to the window behind the Rich couple. With a loud smash, Anon broke through the window and tackled Filthy, proceeding to choke the wealthy stallion. “You put a fucking button in your tax folder!? Nopony screws with the Equestrian Revenue Service! Nopony!” Anon roared in fury as he proceeded to shake Filthy back and forth. “When I fantasised about a stallion pinning my husband down this isn’t what I meant!” Spoiled cried out in dread. AN: I’m still continuing to work on thestral, I’m just using this story as a dumping ground for all the insane ideas for Anon stories that wouldn’t fit into thestral given its current trajectory. > Royal Birthday > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying to sleep in on his day off, Anon was rudely interrupted by the noise of his purple pony housemate. “I will pimp slap that mare” Anon groaned as he dragged himself downstairs. Scattered in an unorganised mess were various pieces of paper with unreadable penmanship on them. In the centre of that mess was Twilight herself. Her mane was frizzy and unkept and her eyes were bloodshot. “Still going to hit her” Anon commented as he walked downstairs. “Twilight. What is this?” Anon asked as he reached the ground floor. Wandering if he should pimp slap with his right hoof or bonk with his left. Almost snapping her head towards him, Twilight gave him an unsettling smile. “Anon! Good! You’re here! Help me pick out a present!” Twilight yelled, using zero context. “Ok, she can have a pass. For now” Anon thought to himself. “A present for whom?” Anon asked. “The Princess of course! Her birthday is in a week and I haven’t got her anything!” Twilight stated, her coat practically dripping with anxiety. Celestia. Of course all this fuss had something to do with Celestia. “Maybe a student with less issues?” Anon muttered. “What!?” Twilight asked, turning her attention away from a piece of paper with a drawing of herself giving Celestia a sweater. “I said maybe some custom tissues? Like embroidery with her initials on it” Anon suggested. Shaking her head Twilight threw another piece of paper aside. “No Princess Celestia doesn’t sneeze she has a passive spell to prevent that!” Twilight dismissed. Seeing how stressed she was, Anon attempted to calm down the bookworm. “Can’t you just get her a card? She’s a princess she probably has too much stuff already” Anon pointed out. That was when he knew, he fucked up. Finding himself in the telekinetic grip of Twilight’s spell, Anon was lifted off the ground.  “Get. Her. A. Card!? Do you realise how insane you sound!?” Twilight snapped. He had to choose his next words carefully, Anon’s life hung in the balance. “Or maybe a funny mug?” Anon suggested. “Anon. Princess Celestia is THE Princess of Equestria! She’s ruled over all of Ponykind for a thousand years. She’s entertained entire dynasties and has guided my entire race. I NEED to get her a great gift or what has all those years as her pupil been about!?”  Hearing her rant, Anon was starting to get a little motion sickness from the weightlessness. With a knock on the door, Twilight dropped Anon before going to answer it. “Oh hello Mayor Mare” Twilight said in surprise at seeing Ponyville’s mayor standing at her door. “Hello Twilight, I was just wandering something I think you can help me with” she explained. “Yes! Of course! I’m the helper, the helpiest! I am the help master!” Twilight cackled, her lack of sleep clearly getting to her. Initially concerned and slightly uncomfortable about Twilight’s behaviour, Mayor Mare looked over the unicorn’s shoulder to Anon. The zebra did nothing but shake his head as if warning the mayor not to ask. “W-well, since Princess Celestia has chosen to have her birthday celebration here in Ponyville I-“ Mayor Mare began to say before being cut off. “WHAT!!?” Twilight almost roared. If you hadn’t gone deaf from the noise you’d probably hear the echo all the way in Canterlot’. “I said Princess Celestia is having her birthday here in Ponyville this year. And since you know her better than anypony in town I thought I’d ask you a few questions so we can get the decorations sorte-“ Mayor Mare continued before again being interrupted. “Herfavouritecolouriswhiteshelikesrosesandherfavouritecakeisstrawberryok?Bye!” Twilight spat out before slamming the door in the mayor’s face. “I’m doomed!” Twilight cried before collapsing on the floor from a mixture of dread and exhaustion. Looking down at the passed out mare, Anon shook his head before going back to sleep. Then returned to draw a pair of balls at the base of Twilight’s horn. As the week progressed, preparations were made and countless guests arrived from across Equestria to celebrate their monarch’s birthday. The fields for miles were covered with the extravagant tents of aristocracy. Along with the less than extravagant tents of their many servants. It almost appeared as if the town’s population had grown tenfold overnight. Not that many in town minded. Along with the welcoming nature of the pony race the money brought in more than made up for any inconveniences. While the nobles rarely left their tents. Their servants spent most of their free time in the town spending paychecks of bits that barely got them back in Canterlot. But here in a small town, those bits were greater in number than the yearly income of entire families. Finally the big day arrived. Being carried in by a golden carriage pulled by four of her pegasus guards. The birthday mare herself, Princess Celestia arrived. As she walked passed with unmatched grace, thanking everypony who she met for their warm embrace, all of town seemed to be as happy as possible. All except for Twilight. Stood at the farthest end of the crowd, many ponies including her friends between her and Celestia, Twilight went through a panic attack. “Sup Book Banger” Anon greeted as he nonchalantly trotted up to the mare. “This is the worst day of my life! Just look at all those amazing gifts everypony else got for Princess Celestia” Twilight almost sobbed.  Indeed they looked like nice presents. Golden carriages, works of art that looked like they cost more than the town, a lot of foreign looking furniture and even a couple statues of the Princess. Seeing the shame in Twilight’s eyes at not being able to top that, Anon let out a small sigh. “Here, give her this” Anon said.  Passing Twilight a small purple box wrapped with a blue bow, Anon took a seat next to the unicorn. “I knew you were going to have trouble finding the “perfect” gift so I found one for you just in case” Anon explained. “Anon, that’s sweet. But nothing in this box can compete with all those gifts” Twilight replied, her ears folding down. “Twiggles. Those are gifts for a monarch, not a mare. Would you honestly give your Mom or any of your friends something like that?” Anon asked, pointing at the tapestry depicting Celestia’s entire rule. “Well, no” Twilight responded. “Exactly, Celestia’s had a thousand years of nobles and foreign rulers sending her these big flashy gifts. This one comes from the heart, I think you’d probably have thought of it yourself if you weren’t so focused on competing with rich folk who have a way bigger budget than you”  Hearing the surprisingly wise words of the zebra, Twilight began to perk up. “Thanks Anon, but what about you? If you give me this then you won’t have a gift for Celestia” Twilight said. “Don’t worry I’ve got something special for old Sun Buns” Anon replied, chuckling heartily. And like that Twilight’s face went flat. “Anon if you try to give Celestia your stallionhood I will cut it off” Twilight warned. “No not that. Although that is a good idea for next year’s gift” Anon replied. Eventually it came Twilight’s turn to give Celestia her gift. Nervously she approached the Princess, sensing the judging looks of nobles on her as she did. “Happy Birthday Princess” she said before levitating the gift up to the alicorn. “Thank you Twilight” Celestia thanked before opening her gift.  It was a mug. A hoof-made one with the words “Bestest Sun Princess” squiggles on it. The entire crowd went silent. Twilight couldn’t tell if Celestia liked it or not, so she already began plans to exile herself to Zebrica where she intended to live as a goat. Looking over the mug, Celestia eyed every inch of it curiously. Finally the tension was cut. As Celestia let out a powerful laugh, looking as if she’d fall over from it. “Twilight, this must be the most considerate gift I’ve ever received. Thank you, truly” Celestia thanked. Suppressing a happy squeal, Twilight bowed before returning to the crowd. Meeting up with her friends Twilight felt a great weight being lifted off of her shoulders. “Well I’ll be. Good gift Sugar Cube, didn’t know you knew pottery” Applejack congratulated. “Well I had a lot of help” Twilight admitted. “Oh there’s one more” Celestia commented, getting everypony’s attention. From under a pile of fabulous gifts Celestia pulled a long green box with a black bow on it. “Dear Princess Celestia. Happy Birthday, this is for those long world days. Love, A” Celestia read out. “Huh, that must be Anon’s gift” Twilight thought to herself. Watching in anticipation as she opened her last gift, the population of Ponyville and its visitors gasped as the present was revealed. Foal’s eyes were covered, Rarity fainted, Rainbow Dash laughed her flank off. Twilight couldn’t bear to look at it for more than a couple seconds. But it was two foot long, had black and green stripes going up  its length and began vibrating. AN: happy b-day Celly. > Summer Days > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a hot summer day in Equestria. Temperatures were at a year long high and the population of Ponyville were eager to stave off the heat. Although one of their residents was more active in his attempts than others. “Anon get out of that hole” Twilight ordered, using that sentence for the first time in a non-sexual manner. Out back of the library, Anon had dug a ten foot deep, thirty foot wide by thirty foot long hole. Already several ponies had tripped and fell into it, being unwittingly drafted into Anon’s workforce. “Almost done, just need to put something down to stop this thing getting muddy and boom! We’ve got a pool” Anon stated, standing at the bottom of the hole covered in dirt. Rolling her eyes, Twilight used telekinesis to lift the zebra out the hole herself, planting him down next to her. “Hey you wouldn’t happen to know a concrete making spell would you?” Anon asked. “Anon you can’t just put a pool wherever you want. There are zoning laws” she warned him. “I got permission from Mayor Mare, she said, and I quote, “you can build a pool if you let me use it” Anon explained “besides, it’ll help everyone cool off, add value to the house and deal with the fact my balls are hanging so low my knees knock them when I walk”  Thinking over the first two arguments and ignoring the third, Twilight did see the benefits of having a pool. “Alright I don’t know any “concrete spells” but a petrification spell should do the trick” Twilight said. Using her magic Twilight turned the dirt walls and floor of the pool to stone. “Great, now all we need is some water. Spike! Stop spanking it to Rarity and get the hose!” Anon said, calling up to Spike’s room, making sure anyone who passed could hear him. Opening the window with a red line across his face, Spike looked down at the two equines he lived with. “I can’t, the heat’s caused a water shortage and all nonessential water usage is banned” he explained. “Nonessential!? Has Princess Celestia not seen how low my balls are? If it gets one degree hotter I’ll be leaving a small trench wherever I walk” Anon ranted in frustration with anti-drought measures. “Anon were in public, stop talking about your… reproductive organs” Twilight scolded, her face going red as she brought up Anon’s low hanging mangos. “Well when they stop being the worst of all of my problems then I’ll stop” Anon replied. After rolling her eyes, Twilight’s horn lit up. From the tip a steady stream of water began to pour. Hitting the bottom of the pool the water splashed creating a small puddle. “I keep forgetting your a super-wizard” Anon stated. Gaining a smug smile at the title she had been given, Twilight simply nodded in response. “So how long until it’s full?” He asked. “A few days” Twilight stated. “A few days!?” Anon gasped in shock. “What? I’m one mare and I can’t do this for more than an hour straight. Magic is exhausting” Twilight explained. The thought of having to wait days for the pool to be filled deeply enraged Anon. Who punished the farming population severely. “Fuck it I’m getting the hose” Anon snapped before storming back into the library. “Anon no it’s against the law!” Twilight called out trying to stop him. “Tell Celestia she can go fuck herself with he rubber replica of my dong I gave her” Anon called out from inside the house. Returning with a hose Anon filled the pool in a matter of hours much to the protest of Twilight. But he just continued on about how the heat was affecting his ballsack. Pointing out if he closed his hind legs, his leathery sack would stick to his thighs allowing him to signal Batman. The statment went over Twilight’s head because as someone who’d never been to Earth she had no idea who or what a “Batman” was. The pool was filled. As such both Anon and Twlight were able to enjoy it for a full three minutes before the rest of town caught on that there was a pool. Sweaty ponies in their masses huddled around the watering hole, several fights breaking out as they tried to get a spot in the cool liquid. Now Anon SHOULD have just dug a new pool. The last one was surprisingly easy once Big Mac fell into his first one and started helping. But instead, he set up a line and ticket booth. Ten bits for thirty minutes in the pool. Drinks were provided for an additional ten bits per drink. “This has got to be the best idea I have ever had” Anon chuckled as he counted the hoard of gold coins he was assembling. “This is going to end badly for you” Twilight stated, looking disapprovingly over Anon’s ill gotten gains. “Pff, all I know is I’m rich and my sack is cool under the shade of my coin purse. Hell if this weather keeps up I’ll be able to afford a yacht, a yacht with bitches” Anon waved off Twilight’s concerns. With his confidence matched only by his greed, Anon didn’t notice the weather teams moving large clouds over Ponyville. Ass soon as it came the heatwave was gone. Now came heavy rain, soaking the bone dry town with cool moister. The only thing that was drying up was Anon’s buisness. As ponies started to shiver with the sudden plummet in temperature they fled back to their homes for blankets and hot coco. Glorious hot coco. I like hot coco! Pinkie this isn’t your chapter go home! Anyways.  Say in the rain, his bags of bits becoming soaked. Anon looked to his left. Stood under a magical force field, Twilight was looking awfully smug about the situation. “Jokes on you Twilight. I’m still rich and my balls are cool as a cucumber” Anon stated, still confident as he was when he had a thriving pool empire. “Mr Anonymous?” A new voice asked. Turning his head to the right Anon saw a sharply dressed unicorn stallion in black glasses. Like Twilight he was stood under a magic barrier keeping him dry. “Yes?” Anon asked. “I’m agent 999 of the IRS, due to your irresponsible use of water during a drought we will be seizing your assets to pay for agricultural worker’s loss in productivity. Also a new coffee machine at HQ” he stared before telekinetically yanking away all of Anon’s bits. “But I’m an IRS agent to! I’ve shed blood in the name of the national budget! None of it was mine but it was shed!” Anon protested. “So you’ll be able to use the coffee machine once it’s installed. Good day” Agent 999 said before leaving the zebra to soak in the rain. Stood in silence for a few moments, Twilight broke it “well I hope you’ve learnt a valuable lesson Anon” she stated. “Yeah, next time there’s a heatwave, me and my low hanging fruit are going to Yakyakistan” Anon stated. And things returned to normal in Ponyville. The pool was eventually shut down as maintenance costs and health/safety inspections forced Anon to turn it into a rum distillery before it blew up due to an unstable batch. He later acquired a bathtub he now keeps in his room for these situations.