Chapter One: Book of Plots
I dream. I dream of a king, an alicorn king. He's grey-blue, his mane and tail were light blue with purple streaks, his eyes the color of the sky. I dream he rules over Equestria with his lovely bride, Luna. I dream that the princess of the sun, Celestia, bows to his will. I dream of a future, a perfect future. I dream-
“WAKE UP!” I heard a high pitched voice scream, “WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” My eyes burst open and I speed forward, stabbing my horn into a log, “HA! That's the fourth time this week”
“Sierra. What do you want?!” I gritted my teeth, angry that my seven-year old kid sister, a little mint green unicorn, had awoken me from my slumber. My eyes glaze over my room and it's poster covered walls, the messy floor, the white dresser filled with my CD's and other assorted junk.
“Mom told me to come and get you, you're gonna be late to see the princess come through town.”
“She knows I think Celestia is the biggest failure there is, why is she trying to bring me along?”
“Something about seeing how true alicorns act, and don't insult the princess. She's beautiful and powerful and awesome!”
“Oh please, she is nothing more than a blowhard. She talks a big game but she can't back it up, she's a failure, a stupid waste of space, the biggest piece of sh-”
“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” She screamed and used her magic to smash me into the wall,
“Sierra, let me go!”
“THE PRINCESS IS SMART!” she then slammed me against the ground,
“Ok, Sierra, that hurts. STOP!”
“THE PRINCESS IS GREAT” and then tossed me head into the ceiling fan, “AND SHE'S BETTER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE!” finally, she threw me out the window.
“I hate you...” And thus I began my decent into the newly donated concrete crater, courtesy of my spine.
“Ashburn, you made it! And to jump out a three storey window? You must have been just as excited as me!” Said a pink unicorn, wearing too many hair accessories in her yellow mane. This is my mother, she makes her living as a mane designer.
“Hgrurghg-Sierra...” Is all I managed to get out.
“Oh don't worry, she'll be here soon. Funny, I thought I told her to go get you.”
“Ugghhh... mother. Answer me, why would I jump out of a three storey window, when I can't fly!?” I questioned her sanity as I attempted to crawl out the crater, only to be hammered back into place by a small green meteor of pure evil!
“That was fun! Let's do it again, big brother, you promised!” She screamed in fakest of joys, jumping off me.
“Aww it's nice to see you two getting along.”
“Hate you...hate you both...” I groaned over the cricks and cracks of my broken body.
“Oh come now, Ashburn,” My mother began lifting me out of the crater with her magic, a yellow glow slowly pulling me up, “Celestia will be here any moment, try not to be such a spoil sport, also, don't wear logs on your horn. Honestly, I don't know what your fascination is with these things.”
“Mom, I don't even like the sight of that prissy-” My eyes caught hold of my sister and her sharpening gaze, “pretty, very pretty, princess!” my mothers response was channeled into a curve of her brow, obviously noticing I cut myself off from insult to compliment, “Nevermind, where's dad? He-”
“Is not going to get you out of this one, your father is going to be at work all day. You're in my power now, mister. Now just enjoy her arrival like everypony else.” My mother winked. My father was a pegasus, he was the same shade as me, grey-blue. I would talk about his mane, except he doesn't have one. He shaves it.
“Fine, I'll watch the princess come through town. By the way, why exactly is she coming through town?” I asked my mother, who of course, only smiled and started trotting in place excitedly, giggling with all the other ponies staring.
I know what you're thinking, “How are you an alicorn? Are you special? Were you chosen for a higher purpose!?” let me answer that with the following-TA-HA-HA-HARTARUS NO! You wanna know how I was born, and why am an alicorn? Pure chance, my parents met at a club in Las Pegasus, got drunk, married eachother and did...it...all in the same day. That is how I was born, soon after, my dad got a transfer here and we now live in Manehattan. Great origins story, right? Right, moving on.
Sierra pointed to the sky and started screaming,“THERE SHE IS! THERE SHE IS!” and then started jumping like a firecracker. And there she was, shooting down from the sky in a ball of bright magic. Flags with tapestry of the sun rained down from the sky and stabbed into the ground in rows of two, eight on each side. Unicorn guards appeared beside the flags, they were bowing, obviously in respect to it.
The unicorns stood tall and the flags, in perfect timing, lifted with them. The princess landed and the magic surrounding her faded away, she walked between the rows of guards, and they began their march by her side. A rush of cheers erupted from everypony around, except me.
Sierra whispered. “Hey! Moron, learn some respect, look your best in Celestia's presence. Take that log off your head!”
“Aren't you the one who put this log on my head?” I retorted. Her bared teeth was a sign wasn't too happy about that response, but fortunately for me she didn't do anything too brash. She just took the log off my horn with her magic and went back to staring at the princess with star-struck eyes.
The princess, the worst excuse for a protector there is. Three times our world has been in danger, and three times she's been out of commission, but still we should treat her like royalty? We should still bow to her? We should be thankful and kiss her royal flank? Like Tartarus, she's undeserving of her throne...and her sister. I'd take both of them if I had the chance...
“Isn't she pretty, and beautiful, and pretty, and stunning...and pretty and powerful?” My sister sighed in joy.
“Sierra, you said pretty three times.”
“Yeah, I know. But think about it, if you hadn't been born a freak, you'd be just like her. Powerful and pretty. But instead you're, you.”
As much as I wanted to say she was wrong, she wasn't. All the other known alicorns were powerful, royal, and I was as far from powerful as you could get. Doesn't mean I was gonna let her get away with it, “Well, Sierra, you can be like her”
“I can?!” Her face lit up, perfect.
“Yes! All you have to do, is stop wetting the bed” I smiled lovingly. Her face flooded with red, she bared her teeth, and snarled loud enough to attract our mothers attention.
“Listen you two, this is a special moment, knock it off and behave yourselves!” Her stern voice was completely ignored.
“I do not wet the bed!”
“Are you kidding me!? You practically dyed yourself chartreuse last week! And then you tried that cleaning spell on the sheets, and you ended up scorching the hallway! It took dad hours to clean up!”
“Oh yeah? Well, at least dad didn't catch me with unfurled wings, looking at his private collection of PlayColt!”
“You two did what!?” My mother shrieked.
“NOTHING, STAY OUT OF IT!” Me and my sister roared at her, before turning our attention back to eachother.
“YOU THINK YOU'RE SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN ME, DON'T YOU? WHY!? WHAT CAN YOU DO THAT I CAN'T?!” I screamed, on the edge of beating the little filly senseless.
“HA! That should be obvious, unlike you, my horn can actually use magic!” She pointed to it and smirked.
“I may not be able to use my horn for magic,” I clashed my horn against hers, “But I can still use it as a pike!”
“Not if I break it off your fat head!”
“YOU WANNA GO, PISS FACTORY!?”
“BRING IT, FLAPPINATOR!” Her horn began glowing a light orange.
“Stop it, both of you! You're ruining this for the other ponies,” Our mother intervened, pulling our ears to her using her magic, “Ashburn, you're the oldest, you should know better than to pick fights with your little sister.”
“HA!” Sierra celebrated.
“And you young mare, like it or not Ashburn is your older brother, and like it or not you will have to learn to respect him. Have I made myself clear?” She let us go of her magic grip and stomped her hoof.
“Yes, mom.” Me and Sierra resigned. Sierra and I walked away from eachother, “Freak” she whispered, “Brat” I muttered, we turned to eachother and went back to clashing horns, “WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!? THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD!” we screamed in unison.
“Oh dear...” My mother facehoofed. Me and my sister jumped at eachother and began fighting, causing a small cloud of dust from our scuffle. It didn't last long, Sierra accidentally shot me into one of the passing guards, also the princess, but who cares about that? As soon as I tried to get up, I found myself at spear point. I must have missed those when they brought them in.
“Step away from the princess, NOW!” One of the guards demanded, pushing his spear closer to me. I listened, I got up slowly and moved away from the princess, “Who are you?” They pushed their spears towards me again.
“I-I'm-”
“His name is Ashburn” The princess intruded, standing herself up, “Lower your weapons, he's not a threat” she began to walk over to me, “Tell me Ashburn, how old are you?”
“Depends, what's the minimum age for being sent to the moon?” I backed away.
“One year.”
“Then I was just born yesterday.” I ran for the crowd, leaving nothing but a streak of smoke fire in my wake, only to be caught in a golden glow. Celestia was dragging me back to her.
“I was kidding, Ashburn, I mean you no harm”
“Uhm, may I ask why you know my name?” I raised my brow, but careful enough not to look disrespectful.
“Oh, didn't they tell you? You're the reason I'm here.”
“Say what!?” Sierra screamed, “HE'S THE REASON!? BUT PRINCESS HE'S GOOD FOR NOTHING! WHY WOULD HE BE THE REASON!??!” she caught herself, realizing who she was talking to, “Uhm, your highness.”
“Well, I received a message from your mother. She said she felt sorry he couldn't live up to his true potential as an alicorn, so she asked if I could teach him. I told her I would only decide after I've seen him for myself.”
It annoyed Sierra that the princess was paying attention to me? Oh this was going to be fun, “Your highness, please help a poor alicorn in need? Please, give me your undying attention and care, and teach this poor misfit what it means to be an alicorn. I promise, I won't leave your side if you do!” I looked to my sister, who seemed like she was about to explode. Sometimes life is sweet.
“Hmm, I'm willing to overlook your...recent incident. But if I do take you, it will be a lot of work, and I cannot promise you the results will awaken your alicorn powers. Are you still willing?”
Working hard for an undisclosed amount of time, and with no promise of my powers? Yeah you clearly don't have your head on right, I thought to myself, “Yes princess, I am willing.” I bowed.
“Very well then, I accept you.” She smiled at me. Then there was a small boom from the surrounding crowd of ponies. I turned to see what could have caused it, and surrounding my sister was a circle of ash, and ponies backing away from her, she still looked angry. The princess didn't know what to make of it, so she turned her attention back to me, “Once I've finished my visit with the town, I'll take you back to Canterlot. Pack your things, I won't be long”
I saluted her and ran inside the building, breaking the door on the way inside. I was so excited, why? Because I had just realized, living with Celestia means living with Luna! There could be no better treat. And so, I packed my things, waited for the princess and traveled with her via teleportation to my new home in Canterlot, and no I did not forget saying goodbye to my family.
My new home was...rather large actually. It was about the size of my old house, stacked ontop of itself three times, and twenty times as wide. The walls were made of a smooth type of stone, white, and engraved with markings that curved all over. Flags hung from the roof and the windows were like crystal.
“So is it to your liking?” The Princess of the sun asked, standing next to me.
“I do, I like a lot.” I tried to hide the heartbreak I felt.
“Ashburn, it's been bothering me for some time. Your mother didn't explain it in her letters either, how is it you've managed to deal with being...”
“A powerless alicorn?”
“I would have said unique, but yes. Most unicorns I know would be fairly sad, or angry about being...”
“Unique?”
“Powerless”
I smile and gave a light chuckle. I still have feelings your stupid whore, I thought to myself, “I kept myself occupied. I did things to keep my mind off it”
“Like?”
“Well for a little bit I tried to become an R&B rapper”
“Really? Were you any good?”
TWO YEARS EARLIER
In my room, I stood on my hind legs, with a toy microphone in my hoof, bouncing gently to an imaginary rhythm, “Ohh, ohh, yeah...baby, oh baby” I threw my toy mic to the ground and raised my hooves in the air, “AND THEN I SLAPPED LUNA WITH MY DICK!”
“I like to think I was.”
“Well, it was nice meeting you, Ashburn. Go inside and unpack your things. I'll see you tomorrow” She began to walk away, with her guards beside her.
“Yes princess” I put my mouth on my luggage and dragged it up the stairs, to the door. I let go of my luggage and as I was about to open the door, it creaked open by itself. As nice as this place looked on the outside, it was kinda dusty and old on the inside. The wooden floorboards, dead, grey, and all around displeasing to look at, the walls were filled with holes, cobwebs lined every inch of the corners.
Nevertheless, I brought my stuff inside and then fell through the floor, “Great, just great. I get the most broken down house in all of Canterlot. Maybe it was a bad idea to agree to this, yeah it pissed off my sister, but now I'm stuck in THIS dump.” I sighed to myself, “I'm an alicorn, I should be treated like a king, it's not fair... what does Celestia have that I don't?! Is it the fur color? Is it because I'm blue? No, that can't be it, Luna is pretty much the same color as me. Is it her age? Unlikely, according to the legend, she raised the sun since she was around my age. What is it!? What do they have that makes them different from me!?”
As soon as I said that, I saw a book, it was glowing in a golden light, floating in mid air. It levitated over to me, it didn't have a title, just an authors signature, “Discord” the book opened itself to me and the pages began flipping through. They seemed to be infinite. The book spoke to me in my own voice and said, “You desire to replace Celestia? You desire to be a king? Then I will teach you.”
I of course reacted in the best manner possible, “AHHH! AHH! AHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!! GET AWAY!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!” I screamed flailing my wings and trying my hardest to get back through the hole I fell in.
“Oh brother, look, kid. Do ya want to overthrow Celestia or not?”
“YES! JUST DON'T EAT ME!”
“Good, then listen, you asked what they have that you don't, right?”
“Yes....” I finally began to calm down.
“The answer is simple” The pages flipped through once more, I peered into them and the answer was revealed to me.
“Girly bits...” My jaw dropped.
“That's right. And you don't have them, do you? No, I thought not. BUT! There is a way for you to gain those parts, and your powers. You must gather all the items listed within me, and complete the rituals, then and only then will you fulfill your dream”
“I dunno...I mean, yeah I don't like Celestia, but...going this far? What if I could never be with Luna, because-”
“You won't lose it”
“I'll do it! Now uhh, how do I get out of here?”
“Get out of where?”
I looked around to see I was sitting on a couch, the wooden, dead floorboards now a vibrant shade of brown. The cobwebs and dust had vanished, leaving behind a tasteful wallpaper, and no holes either. Did the book make all that appear just to get my attention? Something told me I should tread carefully...
“Now, listen up! We've got a lot to cover, haha, cover! Get it, because i'm a book!”
“Yeah, I heard discord had a bad sense of humor too...” I whispered to myself. It shot a bolt of lightning and shocked me, “Ow! Ok! Ok! I get it, no bad mouthing...” I shook my head regaining my focus, “Hear me, Celestia, by this time next year, I WILL HAVE GIRLY PARTS!”