Join Captain Quirk and his skipper Puck on a series of short, random stories and adventures.
Captain Quirk, and his skipper Puck, go on a long journey through the many alternate universes of Equestrian reality - fanfictions.
Originally on a quest to obtain goods and treasures, things go terribly wrong when Puck accidentally changes the course of events in the Princess Molestia dimension, causing a rift in Princess Celestia's "AUP's" (Alternate Universe Personalities) which threatens all of fanfiction realities as we know it. Can Quirk and Puck fix the problem? And can they reward themselves with a plunder of gold, bits, and gemstones to boot?
For some reason, you're not sitting down at your computer reading this. No - instead, you are somewhere else - on a beautiful coast glowing gold because of the sun beating down onto it - with the sun setting over the water, giving the ocean a fuchsia and goldenrod blend. Orange trees line the orchard next to you, owned by the Orange family. You're standing there, by yourself, staring out into the beautiful sunset.
Don't ask me why you're there, because I have no idea. In fact, why are you there anyway? What kind of person just stands still on a vacant beach in the evening staring off into the sea? ...Ahem.
Anyway, like I was saying, you're standing there, standing off into the ocean, and.... Woops, did I mention you're 50 miles away from Manehattan? In the world of Equestria? Well, now I did.
So you're standing there. Staring into the ocean. On a beach. All by yourself. Nobody (erm, pony) is around you (except me, of course). You're by yourself.
Of course, all fantastical things happen when you're alone...
Because after you were thinking all of this gibberish about what fantastical things happen when you're alone, you notice a ship coming towards you in the distance.
You have no clue what it is, so help you Celestia.
Or Luna, or... Who cares? Anyway, there's this ship, see? And it's sailing right towards you, and... Huh, it's growing.
Yep, it's definitely growing, because as you continue to space out in a trance at this little ship, it is actually getting wider, and taller, and diagonally greater than it was one second ago. Two seconds ago. Three seconds ago. Four seconds ago...
Of course you're smarter than I am, because after you got out of the way of the ship like the smart one you are, that ship slammed into me.
Knocked me back a good ways, too. Gee, now you just took out the narrator. Who's gonna tell this story now?
After running up to me to see if I'm okay (which I'm obviously not from what you can make out) you, of course, say "Are you okay?" to which I utter a helpless "Grt thrs ****** shrnd rrt rrf mer moth, yerr ******* erdiert!" After continuing to shout muffled profanities from under the sand, you (kindly) drag me out of the ground.
Welp, no story for you. Because now that I'm out of commission, who's gonna tell the story now? It's not like there's any other authors out there who can help you out.
The Captain hops off the ship and gallops up to you, and stops. His assistant carries along a desk behind him, immediately placing the desk down in front of the captain. Wait - not there! No, stop! I'm in front of the captain! Don't put the desk here you-!
PTHUNK!
"Good job, my skipper Puck," The captain says, "I'll just be taking over as the narrator temporarily until the understudies arrive. Please, sit down in front of my desk, and I'll tell you my tale of the Marediterranean and the Seven Galloping Seas - or more accurately, how we got started with our inter-dimensional/alternate universe pirating. If you don't want to hear it then get out."
"Ah, no worries, you had the beach to begin with so I won't give you the boot if you don't want to listen to my sea salt tale. Anyway, I can see that you look a little confused as you're sitting down there so allow me to introduce myself.
"I am Captain Quirk, and this is my skipper, Puck. We both travel the Seven Galloping Seas as pirates seeking adventure through countless dimensions via our unique form of transportation, the S.S. Aweship. Now that we've finally arrived at Equestria after our long odyssey, it seemed only right to share our story with you.
"Anyway, back to my story of how it all started. All I remember was waking up, with only a bit of my memory. My eyes blinked open, revealing to me a shining light in my face in a dark, dark room. I sat there for a moment or two getting my land bearings when somepony walked up to me and looked me in the eye."
^ ^ ^
"What's your name anyway?"
Dizzy, and a little disoriented, I exchanged glances with this strange, grey pony wearing a blue uniform and hat standing before me.
"Name?"
"Yes, your name."
"His name is Phyllis." I replied.
The pony before me blinked, looking confused.
"No, I mean your name."
"That is his name."
There was a pause.
"You're called Phyllis?"
"No, my name is Phyllis"
"So your name is Phyllis?"
"Yes."
"Alright, so Phyllis-"
"He isn't here."
Another pause.
"What?"
"Phyllis, he isn't here."
"...You are not here?"
"Of course I'm here," I responded, "But Phyllis isn't."
Another pause.
"What the hay are you talking about!?!" Cried the other pony, getting irritated.
I sighed. "I have a name, he lives at my shack back in the Horseshoe Gulf, and his name is Phyllis."
The other pony stared at me for about a minute or so, trying to set this right in her head.
"So you have a name - named Phyllis?"
"Yes."
"Alright." Said the other pony, taking a deep breath, "What do ponies call you then?"
"Oh, you want to know my name? My name is Quirk, Captain Quirk."
The other pony's head dropped down onto a small desk, which I only just noticed, with a thud. Something told me she was a little irritated, but I didn't think much of it.
Slowly raising her head, left eye twitching a little, the other pony re-established her gaze into my eyes.
"Do you know what you were doing that had gotten you here? Or do you own a 'you' at your shack too?"
"Oh no, I don't own any you's."
She sighed in relief.
"Although, my neighbor does though, if you were interested."
After a "grrr!" of frustration, she closed her eyes, attempting to collect herself. The moment felt tense, and awkward. To break the silence, I spoke up.
"Do you know why I'm here? My memory is a little foggy."
The other pony looked back at me, simply staring back at me without a word; she then looked to the side and muttered something sarcastic under her breath about her job which I didn't catch before she responded once more.
"I'm assuming that you, "Captain Quirk", do not know why you are here?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
The other pony sighed.
"Then if you have the... brains to pay attention... and actually know what I'm talking about, then listen up. You are here because of a stolen ship. Do you know anything about this, "Captain Quirk"?"
"Afraid not."
"Nothing?"
"Not a thing."
***
Puck sailed away to a cove just several nautical miles from where he had stolen the S.R. Aweship. The name of the ship was fitting - the ship donned bright orange sailes, bright golden masts, a bright emerald trim all throughout the ship, a bright blue hull, and a dark purple deck. Even more strange was its design; the mast leaned forward on the ship, seeming to place much of the ship's weight on the bow. Not only this, but the ship also included some grooves along the hull which appeared so significantly that it made the ship seem dangerous to sail in a storm. This was truly a strange ship that not anypony would sail in. Quirky, even.
At the cove, Puck could see a little town. Perfect, since he would probably get a good fortune for the S.R. Aweship. The ship, being in good condition, and being rumored to have magical abilities in travel, would be sure to bring in a nice profit. Of course, there was a police shack at this town, but they'd never guess that the ship he was sailing was stolen by he, the clever, mischievous Puck. Puck felt so proud of himself, and chuckled at the thought of that clumsy captain who lost this ship to him - he imagined that captain yelling out cusses and curses that would make any other sailor blush with shame. Puck's favorite quote of the week from that captain: "If you don't get back here, this instant, then I'll send you to the Pit-O'-Eternal-Punishment-No-Refunds-Absolutely-Guaranteed crater!" Puck couldn't help it - he burst out laughing just thinking about the name of that crater.
Setting anchor at the harbor, Puck took a rope and flew off the ship, landing on the docks with all four of his hooves. Tying the ship to the docks, Puck took one more glance at the S.R. Aweship. It was a beautiful thing, a magical gem of the seas.
Time to put on the show. Puck flew back up to the ship, clutched a wooden crate, and pushed it off of the ship and down on the docks. Flying down, Puck proceeded to push the crate to the front of the docks for his demonstration. His red cape flying in the air, and his black beret tilted inspirationally on his head, Puck looked out before him at a slowly forming crowd of ponies interested in his uniquely colored and designed ship.
"Citizens of..." Puck began. Looking around, Puck saw a sign reading 'Welcome to Carnival Cape.'
"Citizens of Carnival Cape," Puck spoke again, raising his voice more confidently, "I come here today as the only magical pegasus in all the world, here to sell to one of you this wonderful ship. It is a magical ship, a gem of the ocean, and I will sell it to any of you who can offer me a decent price."
The turnout of Puck's statement wasn't as good as he had hoped. Throughout the crowd were scoffs and criticisms were shot back at him. "Magic pegasus?" "How can a ship be magic?" "No pegasus can perform magic!" "That ship doesn't even look seaworthy!"
"Now, now, settle down," Puck confided, "All this I can prove to you - and more!"
As Puck said this, he raised his front hooves in the air, conjuring a fiery orb above his hooves. As he did this, the crowd before him quickly came to a hush. Slowly, and especially careful, Puck lowered the orb to be right in front of him, making the fiery orb hover between his two hooves. With a little grimace, Puck began to speak to the audience once more.
"As you can see, I can indeed perform magic!."
With that, Puck shot the orb into the air. After reaching a certain height, the orb exploded into dozens of smaller sparks. It was a firework.
Puck didn't realize it, but he had flown up a little when he had threw the fire orb into the air, spreading his hooves out theatrically in the process. With his confidence regained, Puck looked back down to his audience, smirking inwardly, as he slowly hovered back down to the crate, placing all four hooves on the crate. The expressions of confusion on each of the pony's faces confirmed to him that they had been fooled.
"Do I have any buyers?"
***
The grey mare wearing the blue uniform began pounding the floor with her front hooves in frustration.
"No! I am not talking about the weather! I am talking about what you remember about the day when the ship was stolen! Not the weather!"
I looked at the grey mare quizzically, "The day was nice, but the weather wasn't."
The grey mare hit her face with both her hooves, first her left, then her right, over and over, shouting profanities in the process. This just wasn't her day.
"Shut up! Just shut up!"
"But Miss, you are asking me the questio-"
"And how many times do I have to say it? My name is Silver Lining! Silver Lining!"
"That's nice. My name is Phyllis."
Silver Lining threw her hooves up into the air and shouted even more profanities than before. I suspected that something was wrong.
"Is something wrong?"
Silver Lining stopped reacting, but instead stood in front of me, eyes closed, and shaking with... anger?
"Something... Wrong? You think something... Might be wrong?"
"Yes, I think something might be wro-"
Before I knew it, I was kicked out of the shack which I was apparently inside of the entire time. Looking back, I could see it was a police shack, and I could also see Silver Lining uttering a cry of rage as she slammed the door behind me. Then I heard a muffled shout from inside.
"Go find your ship yourself! I'll have nothing to do with it!"
Then there was nothing.
"Now seems like the time for me to go find a ship to sail the Seven Galloping Seas with." I said to myself as I trotted down through the rest of town to the docks.
As I trotted through town, I looked all around, Seeing all of the houses standing safe and sound, Everything normal, everything quaint, Everything peaceful,
"Cause it ca'int, ya wack!"
Broken off from my poetic interpretation of my surroundings, I happened to see a small crowd forming around a brown/orange pegasus with a lime green mane and tail. On his head he wore a beret, and as clothes he wore a red cape and a red vest underneath.
"Yeah, nothing material or hoof-made can be magical! It just ain't possible!"
"Settle down, my little ponies, settle down, everything that I'm saying is one-hundred percent true. You saw the ball of fire I conjured - you know I'm not lying!"
"Alright, so you're somehow a magical pegasus freak. That doesn't mean that that ship you have is magical - it doesn't even look seaworthy!"
"Yeah, prove that it has magic!"
"Prove it!"
Looking beyond the crowd I saw a brightly colored, uniquely shaped vessel. It appeared to be a ship, but the hull had grooves in it which made it look impossible for it to even be able to be floating at all. But for some reason, I recognized it. For some reason, I knew it was seaworthy. I just knew it.
Pushing through the crowd, I came up to this charlatan standing on the crate and asked, "How much do you want it for?"
The charlatan looked down at me briefly, but then jolted back in surprise as if I were a ghost. After a brief moment, he noticed that I didn't mean him any harm, and he replied.
"W-well sir... If you want to buy it, it will be 25,000 bits, at the least."
Reaching under my clothes, which I apparently had all along, I found a 25,000 bit amongst other 25,000 bits. I handed the charlatan the bit.
"I hope this will suffice."
The charlatan looked down at the bit, snickering to himself for some reason, then pointing to the ship, said "It's all yours then, captain!"
"Now wait just a minute," said a pony from the audience, "You're gonna go with 'em, and if that ship doesn't sail, and that ship doesn't fly, then we'll have you faster than you can say horseapples!"
"Yeah! See if it flies!" shouted another pony.
With a gulp, the charlatan hopped down besides me. "I-in that case, I'll just go with you then. Heh heh... heh."
I trotted up to the ship and began talking to the charlatan along the way, saying "Once this ship takes off, you are to refer to me as Quirk. Captain Quirk, magi pirate of the Seven Galloping Seas."
I heard one of the ponies utter a "What?" and a couple snickers after I said this, but it didn't matter to me much.
"...Very well, C-captain."
"Very good," I said, as I climbed aboard the ship and trotted towards the bow of the ship where the wheel was uniquely placed.
The charlatan stood beside me, seeming clammy and afraid, stroking his throat with his right hoof "I just hope you really know how to run this ship. With it's magic, of course," he muttered, almost unwittingly.
But I did know how to run this ship. It was all coming back to me as I felt the wheel under my hooves, the wind in my mane, and the hat with the feather which I just realized was sitting on my head.
"What is your name?" I asked the charlatan.
"...My name is Puck, captain."
"Well then, you are now my skipper." I said.
Puck hesitantly nodded, looking away towards the crowd with a pale face.
"Do you mind if I call you Skipper Puck?"
After a few moments, Puck replied, "Not... Not at all."
Clutching the wheel once more in my hooves, I spoke: "Alright then. S. R. Aweship, casting off!"
With that, the ship began to move backwards.
"The anchor!" exclaimed Puck all of a sudden, "I forgot to bring it back up!"
"No worries," I said, memories coming back to me, "It's all under control."
With that, the wheel clinging to the chain with the anchor began to rotate, slowly and steadily, bring the anchor up and out of the water. The ropes tying the ship to the docks began to become taught, even snapping in some places on account of the tension. The S. R. Aweship was about to take sail, as I remembered that I liked to say.
The crowd watching us looked awestruck, almost unbelieving. I didn't understand why until I realized - the ship was floating.
No, it wasn't floating on the water. It was floating in the air above the water, turning away from the docks, and being the cause of the ropes holding the ship down to snap.
Then a stallion from the crowd spoke up, "That ship! It's magic! Get it down!"
Turned out that stallion was the dock worker, a pauper in his town. Apparently for him, he finally saw the value of the ship we were sailing, and that it was sailing away - from him. Taking a chain with a pick attached to the end, the stallion threw up the chain and pick, causing the pick to land perfectly on the side of the ship. Taking hold of the chain, the dock worker began to climb the rope, holding a dagger in his mouth.
Some other less well-off ponies in the crowd began to take his lead and began to run for the chain in order to pull themselves up onto the deck.
Needless to say, I felt concerned. I didn't want these ponies to jump onto my ship, and to decide what to do with me and whoever this "Puck" was. It was then that I wished that I was a unicorn pony, so I could just lift the pick and chain with telekinesis.
Then I remembered - I am a unicorn pony.
With one fling, I sent the pick right off of the side of my ship, sending all of the greedy ponies falling down into the water.
"Puck!" I shouted, "Fly up to the crow's nest and hang on! Now we can really show off our talents!"
Puck, who had been dazzled by everything that had been going on, nodded and quickly flew up to the crows nest, bracing himself with a kind of belt with a loop in it, firmly securing him to the mast.
"Now let's give these townsponies a show," I muttered under my breath.
Steering the ship, I brought us to a steady midair turn. With that, I bucked the middle of the steering wheel with my forehoof, causing a ripple to appear around the S. R. Aweship, and the S. R. Aweship to lurch forward at a great speed into the horizon. Not long afterwards, the ship began to be encased with electrictricity, as a colorful, celestial cone formed at the bow.
"What is that thing?" shouted Puck nervously, over the nearly deafening sound of electricity.
"That is the inter-dimensional space barrier, skipper Puck!" Captain Quirk shouted in reply, "We're passing through!"
Puck felt a knot in his stomach at the idea of traveling inter-dimensionally. Whould he ever come home? Would he come out the other side the same way he was before?
It was too late for turning back now, because with a suddenly loud VWIP, the ship shot through the inter-dimensional space barrier, and could no longer be seen by the residents of Carnival Cape.
With a loud, electric bang, the S.R. Aweship shot out of a kind of wormhole and into a fairly-sized lake on a cool, beautiful morning where everything seemed perfect. The sun was shining, with clouds broadly spaced apart, revealing a giant blue sky.
Puck, finally getting his bearings, trotted over to the side of the ship and peered over the side.
"Captain Quirk, we're in a lake, not an ocean."
"I know, my skipper Puck," Quirk responded, "I have sent us into the first dimension of our travels."
"...A lake?"
"Yes, a la- No, no no! Not the lake, Puck! Cupcakes!"
"...Cupcakes, captain?"
"Yes, Cupcakes." responded Quirk, now hopping down from the ship's wheel and trotting up to Puck, "You see, in order for us to go on any adventures throughout infinite dimensions in search of an infinite treasure, we need one important thing - goods. Plenty of goods. The ship is nearly fresh out of them, and we'll need to get some of our own if we want to proceed with our mischievous plans to take plunder from the many Equestrias before us."
Puck smiled at the idea of "mischievous" plans, rolling the idea around in his head over all of the angry ponies he could make.
"And so," Quirk continued, "of all the dimensions that I am currently remembering right now, I thought it best to choose the one dimension that would promise us the most sugars, spices, and breads imaginable - the Cupcakes dimension. After all, it is known as the Cupcakes dimension itself. And if I am not mistaken by its name, we will need to visit the one place in town which sells cupcakes - Sugarcube Corner."
Puck listened eagerly while looking up from the lake and into the sky, noticing a bright blue mare with a rainbow mane and tail, flying freely in the sky - before stopping midflight, considering, and heading off to a town not far from the lake that the S.S. Aweship had landed in.
"Ah, I see you are taking an interest in the residents here in Equestria. If you're going to plunder treasures throughout dimensions, you're going to want to know who's who in this land. Let me see now - aha! That was a mare known in Equestria as "Rainbow Dash". Wonderbolts aspirant and gifted with the element of loyalty. Also the only pegasus capable of achieving a sonic rainboom in flight."
Quirk trotted over to a button next to the size of the ship, and pressed it. In that moment, a part of the rim on the side of the ship slid back, and a plank extended from the ship. Once the plank was fully extended, it dropped down to the shore of the lake, and Quirk proceeded to trot down it.
"Come along, Puck - sugars, spices, and breads await!"
Puck followed Quirk down the plank.
"So, Captain Quirk,"
"Yes, skipper Puck?"
"You said that we were traveling through dimensions - does that mean we are not in the same dimension as the one we were in before? Or, when we were at Carnival Cape?"
"Well I should hope not! If we were, then all of our travels would be ruined! Then we would never be rich, in this life, or the next! Or the one before this life!"
Puck shook his head in confusion, "So if we're not in the same dimension as the last one, does that mean that many ponies in the last dimension do not exist anymore? Or don't exist in this dimension, at least..."
"Nonsense," answered Quirk, as he began to turn onto a path leading to the nearby town, "Being in a different dimension means that we are in a reality which is parallel to the last reality we were in. The same ponies exist, Puck. The only difference is that in each parallel universe, it is as if the universe itself is trying to answer its own question, which is thus - what if this even happened, rather than this event? It is because of this that each parallel universe has its own little quirks which make them identical, and yet unique."
"But Captain, if the same ponies exist, then it doesn't matter which dimension we travel to - the same ponies will still be after us!"
"Not so, Puck," Quirk replied, "because if we are traveling through different dimensions which have undergone different realities, then in each new dimension we go to, the residents there will have no memory of us whatsoever... that is, most of them..."
"...What do you mean, most of them?"
Quirk struggled for the right words to say, before finally answering, "Lets cross that bridge when we get there, shall we?"
It was at this time that the two had finally arrived at the town they were headed towards, which had a sign just outside of it reading "Welcome to Ponyville".
"Ah, so Ponyville was the name of this town, I am still remembering things yet!" Quirk stated optimistically.
Puck looked back and forth amongst the cottages and houses which lined the streets of "Ponyville", along with dozens of happy citizens trotting up and down the street. Puck had never been inland before in his life, and the idea of being far away from the ocean felt completely alien to him.
Not only that, but there was something about this specific dimension which felt a little... off. He couldn't really put his hoof on why, but something didn't feel right. For all he knew, this is just the way things feel when you go traveling through different dimensions.
"Ah, here we are!" exclaimed Quirk, as he pointed a hoof at a tall building which appeared to be a giant sundae. "Now, all we need to do is look inside for any goods we can bring back to the ship."
Quirk proceeded to trot through the door of the building, and Puck followed, with a little ring making itself known as the opening door brushed past it.
"Alright, keepers of the Sugarcube Corner! I have a large order consisting of..." then Quirk stopped, and Puck could see why, because there was nopony in the building.
"Huh, this looks easy." Puck noted, taking a quick look around.
"...Excellent! The least offended ponies, the merrier!" proclaimed Quirk, as he began to trot behind the desk looking for any valuable goods. Puck did some searching himself, looking through closets, shelves, and boxes.
"Confound it!" Quirk said aloud, "There's only danishes, cupcakes, cakes, shakes, malts, and many other desserts, but there is no pure sugar, spice, and breads!"
"Maybe we could check some other local sto-"
Thud
Puck tripped on something hidden underneath a rug, and fell flat on his face.
"Agh! I hit my nose!" Puck shouted, throwing his hooves up to his muzzle, groaning.
"Puck, you genius!" Quirk said, trotting up to him.
"Yeah, thanks for the sarcasm "Captain"."
"No, I am serious! You are a genius, Puck!"
"For making my nose bleed?"
"No! For this!"
Quirk passed Puck and took the rug in his mouth, pulling it back to reveal a trap door with a metal handle pointing up from it.
"Huh, no wonder I tripped - hey, who's big idea was it to put a rug over that!"
"I have no idea, Puck, but this is obviously none other than a trap door leading to a cellar - and a cellar means a place for storage! This must be where we can find our goods!"
Quirk excitedly went to take the handle in his mouth and pull the trap door open, allowing light to flood down on the stairs leading into the dark depths below - of about ten to fifteen feet.
"Wait," Puck said before Quirk climbed down the stairs, "we should check if anypony is down there - we'll want to know what we're up against."
Quirk blinked, "Ah! You're right Puck! You may be a tad dense, but you are quite clever!"
Puck's eyes went half-lidded with annoyance after Quirk's remark, before crawling up to the opening in the floor and shouting, "Hey, is anypony down there?"
There was silence.
"Huh," Puck said to himself, "I guess there really is nopony down ther-"
"Nope! There's nopony down here!" shouted a cheerful voice from the cellar.
"Oh, thanks! We just wanted to make sure. You know how it is with basements these days." replied Puck.
"Yep! No problem. Hey, feel free to stop by here for cupcakes some time!"
"Anytime!" Puck said, before closing the trap door and turning to face Quirk, "Yep, sounds like there's nopony down there. That means that the coast is clear for - now wait for just a blinkin' second!"
Puck opened the trap door again.
"Hey, I thought you said that nopony was down there!" shouted Puck.
"...There is nopony down here." replied the same cheerful voice.
"Well if there's nopony down there, how are you talking to me?"
Another silence.
"...Well, I, um... Of course I'm not talking to you, nopony's talking to you!"
"That's it, I'm getting to the bottom of this." Puck grumbled as he began to trot down the stairs, Quirk following behind him.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Puck turned and faced the source of the strange, cheerful pony.
"Alright, now you're going to explain to me how..."
Puck took a second to try and process what he was seeing before him. The whole room was pitch black, except for a light directed down at a table which had - Rainbow Dash, was it?(she looked like she was about to burst into tears) - tied down to an iron medical table, with a pink pony wearing clothing which looked a lot like it was made out of pony hide, cutie marks, pegasus wings, and a neclace with unicorn horns.
She was also holding a medical knife, which she quickly tossed onto a metal cart which was on the other side of Rainbow Dash's medical table, before putting her hooves behind her back and blushing.
"Well, Hi!" the pink pony said. She had this wide, toothy grin on her face, as if she was trying to hide something.
"Hello. We are looking for any sugars, spices, or breads that you may have which we could add to our storage on our ship, the S. S. Aweship. Do you have any?"
"Oh yes!" the pink pony replied, "upstairs and in the shipment crates out in the back."
"Oh, thank you. Why didn't I think of that before?" Quirk replied, sounding flabbergasted.
"...Sooooo do you need anything else?" the pink pony asked, voice a little shaky.
"Nope, that's it." replied Quirk.
"You're sure?" continued the pink pony.
"Yep, that just about covers it." Quirk answered, "please, carry on."
Quirk turned and began to trot up the stairs. Puck stayed, curious.
"What are you doing, anyway?" Puck asked.
"...Doing?"
"Yeah, what are you doing? Isn't that Rainbow Dash on that table?"
"What table?"
"THAT table, right next to you!"
The pink pony turned to look at the table, then back at Puck.
"Oooooh, you mean this table," the pink pony replied, sounding completely oblivious to it.
"Yeah that table."
"Oh, I'm not doing anything with that table." the pink pony chimed.
"Mmf mmf!" muffled the gagged Rainbow Dash.
"Wait, what was that?"
"That? What do you mean?"
"That mmf mmf sound!"
"What mmf mmf sound?"
Quirk leaned over and cut in, "There was an mmf mmf sound? Now that is serious."
"What do you mean that's serious, captain?" responded Puck.
"Well, you see Puck, if it was just an mmf it wouldn't have meant anything. If it was an mmf mmf mmf, then it would have meant "I'm stuck under this rock, now help me get out!". However, if it is an mmf mmf, that means that I am:
"Tied down to a medical table in the middle of this dark room by a pink pony maniac who wants to dissasemble my limbs and skin in order to make turn me into cupcakes which she will feed to her friends.
Oh, and she's not using any aesthetic."
"...Oh." replied Puck, wide eyed.
"That, or it means that there's a sale on sun hats at the convenience store down the street."
"...I see."
"Let's hope it's the latter." Quirk concluded, before beginning to trot up the stairs again.
Puck eyed the situation before him suspiciously, before hesitantly turning to follow Quirk.
"Mmmmmmfff! Mmf!"
"Captain! She spoke again!"
"I heard it, Puck!" Quirk replied excitedly, before trotting up to the distraught Rainbow Dash.
"Can you make out what she's saying?"
"I can try, Puck, but that gag will definitely complicate things." Quirk responded, "Now, Rainbow Dash, what is the matter?"
"Mmf, mmf Mmmmf! Mmmmmmmmmff! Mmf mmf mmmmmmff!"
"Yes, and then what happened?"
"Mmf mmmff mmmff mmmmffmmff! Mmmff!"
"Alright, so you were unconscious, and then what?'
"Mmf mmf!"
"Now, this is serious." Quirk stated.
"So what are we dealing with, captain?"
"Well, Puck, it appears that just this afternoon Rainbow Dash was practicing her flying techniques, when she remembered that Pinkie Pie wanted to see her this afternoon (now bear in mind, we are not dealing with Pinkie Pie, I'll explain later). And so, this "Pinkie Pie" gave her a cupcake which knocked her unconscious and now she is tied down on a medical table by Pinkie Pie, and Pinkie Pie is going to turn her into cupcakes for her next batch of delectable sweets."
"I can explain!" Shouted 'Pinkie Pie', but the Quirk and Puck ignored her.
"Eeugh! But, that's not possible, is it? Turning ponies into cupcakes?"
"Of course it isn't, silly! Why would I ever turn my friend into cupcakes!"
For the first time, Puck listened to 'Pinkie Pie'. "Yeah, see? You can't turn ponies into cupcakes. It would make the cupcakes fall apart! Not only that, but that would be disgusting!"
"On the contrary, Puck. You see, when mutilated and torn limb from limb, the bodily organs and limbs may be dried and ground together in order to produce a fine powder which can make an impeccable, and quite savory, substitute for yeast. Which is not surprising, actually. Because from all of my searching I could not find a single trace of yeast anywhere in the building. At all. Including the crates outside, I had checked those while you and this 'Pinkie Pie' had that argument about that table. Needless to say, 'Pinkie Pie' has a yeast shortage."
All of a sudden, Rainbow Dash spat out her gag and shouted, " Wait a minute! You mean Pinkie Pie is about to tear me apart, limb from limb, and gut me, because of aYEAST SHORTAGE!"
"I can explain, Dashie!" the 'Pinkie Pie' pleaded.
"Oh, now I remember," Quirk said, having a sudden epiphany, "Cupcakes is a dimension where Pinkie Pie attempts to turn her friend into cupcakes. It has nothing to do with cupcakes at all. Funny, though - I never realized it was all because Pinkie Pie had a yeast shortage. I guess we'll just have to find yeast somewhere else. At least we have the sugar and spice, though."
"Well, we can't just leave Rainbow Dash here," Puck said admittedly.
"Quite right. Feel free to set her free, if you will. We are tweaking the different dimensions already by plundering them, after all." replied Quirk.
Puck took a special gum from out of one of his vest pockets and secretly applied it to his hooves before touching each of the locks holding down Rainbow Dash, each one opening up one by one. Pinkie Pie just stood beside the scene, bemused.
"Nice trick there, Puck." Quirk noted, impressed.
"Only magic pegasus." Puck replied.
"Interesting." Quirk added.
"B-but... I still don't have any yeast!" Pinkie Pie protested.
"Pirates, remember?." Puck said blatantly.
"Don't worry, 'Pinkie Pie'," responded Quirk, "you can't make real cupcakes with normal yeast anyway."
Once Rainbow Dash was freed, she flew out of the cellar faster than she had ever flown before in her life, creating a sonic rainboom the instant she flew through the door of Sugarcube Corner.
"Dashie, come back! It was just a joke - honest!"
Pinkie Pie was about to chase Rainbow Dash when Quirk stopped her.
"Not so fast - Pinkamena Diane!" shouted Quirk, pointing at the pink pony.
"You meanie! My name's Pinkie Pie!"
"Objection!" shouted Quirk once more, pointing at the pink pony again, "You're not Pinkie Pie, because if you were Pinkie Pie, you'd know who I am!"
"Psh! How would I know who you are if I've never even seen you before, silly?"
"Because I am an inter-dimensional pirate! And Pinkie Pie always breaks the fourth wall! With those facts held in light of each other, I can see that the real Pinkie Pie would recognize me inter-dimensionally because she always breaks the fourth wall!"
"Exactly!" Puck exclaimed, pointing a hoof at the pink pony, even though he had no idea what Quirk was talking about.
"Pssh! Pinkamena Diane kills other ponies and griffons and such, but I don't do any of that."
"Oh really?" Quirk said condescendingly, "Then how do you explain... this!"
Suddenly, Quirk hit a switch which caused the lights in the cellar to turn on, revealing painted skulls, along with other decorated and gory paraphernalia, spanning the entire cellar.
"Sweet mother of Celestia! That's a lot of yeast!" shouted Puck, gaping awestruck at the sight before him.
"Alright, so you caught me - but you'll never take me alive!" Pinkamena shouted.
"Exactly, because I don't intend to." replied Quirk.
"...What?"
"You see, Pinkamena, you have merely been caught red handed for acting out in cannon character heresy, a trespassing of inter-dimensional law which is dictated on page 84, paragraph B, line 6607. In response, the only thing that needs to be done is that the real Pinkie Pie needs to be placed in this world, and, since there can only be one Pinkie Pie per dimension (or else the second law of thermodynamics would be broken), you would, as a result of complicated inter-dimensional sciences, be demoted from the position of "Cannon Pinkie Pie" to "Fanmade OC"."
"...Wait, Captain, you want to replace Pinkamena with the real Pinkie Pie? In this dimension?"
"Ah, perhaps someday, if the reward is right."
"...You mean, you're not gonna do anything about me?" Pinkamena asked.
"Of course not. At least, not now. Unless somepony gives us a reward for it. I just exposed you because I had the whim to expose you, anyway. Come along, skipper Puck, and help me with getting the sugar and spice shipments out in the back of Sugarcube Corner."
"Yes captain." Puck replied.
Quirk and Puck left the dumbfounded Pinkamena in the cellar as they proceeded to fill their satchels with as much sugar and spice as they could carry, before heading back to the ship, and heading off to the next dimension.
With another boom, the S.S.Aweship shot through the starry night sky and... crashed into to the mountain upon which Canterlot could be found. Even though this was the case, the S.S.Aweship was too awesome to be smashed to pieces, and instead formed a perfectly shaped crater in the side of the mountain for the ship to remain anchored.
Puck immediately woke up from his sleep just as the crash took place. Yawning, he hopped out of the hammock in his quarters and made a beeline for the deck. Reaching the deck now, Puck raced to the side of the ship and peered into the distance to see what this dimension looked like...
Darkness. Just plain, cold darkness. Except for the lights off in the distance, and the eerie fog drifting in the sky which seemed to create strange shadow monsters out of even the most innocent of flora and fauna. Even more eerie was how there was not a sound to be heard - as if the entire world was waiting for something; staying quiet and hoping not to be heard by some spirit of evil which would be arriving soon.
"Well Puck, we made it." shouted Quirk from the wheel, as he hopped down, took a deep breath, and glanced around himself proudly.
"Made it where, Captain?" Puck responded.
"We have made it into the Princess Molestia dimension. A fairly unpleasant dimension, however, if I say so myself."
"The Princess Molesti..."
"Yes, Puck, that is its name - and for very vile reasons as well. However, this is the one dimension we will want to begin our serious plundering in. While Princess Celestia is... distracted elsewhere... we will sneak inside of the Canterlot castle and take for ourselves a mountain of treasure!"
"But Captain..." asked Puck hesitantly, "why is it called the... 'Princess Molestia' dimension?"
"You do not want to know, Puck, you do not want to know. Now, follow my lead, and whatever you do, do not go running off alone here."
Very diligently, Quirk lowered a ramp to an unkempt mountain trail beneath the ship, and trotted across it with Puck following close behind. They trotted on the overgrown mountain trail for what felt like an hour until the two arrived at the gates of Canterlot. Motioning at Puck to stay silent, Quirk crept up to the gates and used his magic to pick the lock, until it dropped onto the ground with a soft thud. Carefully opening the gate so as to keep it from creaking, Quirk motioned at Puck once again to follow him inside the city.
- - -
Luna read over the book one more time to make sure she knew how to use the spell just right.
Ever since she had returned from the moon, she and Celestia had been going back and forth with pulling pranks on each other. They started as being innocent pranks, but over time, they started to become even more sinister; and after Celestia had set rabid house cats to chase her last week - resulting in a lot of flying fur and claws - Luna decided that she had to "up the anti" on her devious pranking plans. In this case, she was now planning to put a spell on Celestia so that her deepest, darkest desires would uncontrollably possess her. It was going to be hilarious to see exactly what she would start doing and saying when the spell took place.
Laughing at the image of what her sister could possibly do under the influence of the spell, Luna began to make her final preparations before going to Celestia's bedroom in order to use the spell on her.
- - -
"Alright, so of all the secret passageways which lead into Princess Celestia's castle, you had to choose this one?" Puck complained.
And for good reason, too, because of all places, Quirk decided to take the ventilation into the castle - and the AC was on full power, causing a freezing draft to flow quickly through the vents.
"I chose this secret passageway because it will lead us directly to Princess Celestia's bedroom, where we will be able to fetch any valuable items she keeps in there. After that, we will go straight for the castle treasury, before heading back to the ship." Quirk replied.
"But captain, if Princess Celestia sees us in her room, then she could just send us to the moon and we'd never get back the ship!"
"Not so, Puck, because my instincts are telling me that it is exactly 11:47 P.M., and Princess Celestia is... erm... not around right now. Besides, only Princess Celestia's AUP would send us to the moon on the spot if she caught us in her room."
"AUP, captain?"
"Yes, Puck, her AUP. You see, my memories or parallel universe travel are still coming back to me; and AUP is an alternate personality of a character or OC in Equestria. It is not their real personality, but for the dimension they are in, it is."
"Oh, so like that Pinkamena Diane Pie we met in the Cupcakes dimension?"
"Oh, no, she was breaking the... wait..."
Quirk stopped crawling through the vent for a moment and began thinking, itching his chin while doing so. Then, his eyes went wide.
"Actually, yes, that would have been Pinkie Pie's AUP... this... can't be good."
"What? What's not good, captain?"
"Oh, well, nothing, I mean... it's probably alright, but... let's... just... not tamper with any AUP's of characters or OC's in any of these dimensions. It would be for the best."
"Could something go wrong?"
"Well... It... It depends."
"Depends on what?"
"Well, it depends on-"
"HA! I got you RIGHT where I want you!"
Both Quirk and Puck turned to look behind them, seeing an unkempt pink pony with a flat mane, and a knife in her hand. She was grimacing maniacally.
"You see, Puck," Quirk explained calmly, "Pinkamena Diane Pie is Pinkie Pie's AUP. That, and Pinkie Pie can normally cross through parallel universes on her own."
"That, and you STOLE MY YEAST! Now YOU'RE gonna have to give it back - with your OWN bodies! And, you know, I'll let you try some of them while you're still alive. Sharing is caring, after all."
"But I thought you didn't need yeast to make cupcakes!" shouted Puck desparately.
"I didn't! I needed yeast to make bread for a sandwich!".
"Captain, I think we should run." Puck suggested.
"Agreed, Puck, agreed." Quirk responded.
- - -
The two royal guards, both colts, stood outside of Princess Celestia's bedroom. The first one sighed, and scratched his nose; the other one had finally finished counting 1,000,000,000,001 dots on the marble floor, and began to start over.
"This is the most boring job in all of the palace." stated the first guard finally.
"How so?" replied the second guard.
"Well, just look at us! Here we are, standing guard at this one door in a dark, empty hallway, while all the other guys are probably partying at the beach!"
"...Heh, yeah, now that you mention it, this job is pretty boring..."
"Yeah, and I'll bet that they're getting all the mares, too. Lucky bastards."
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Both guards jumped and looked at the ceiling, which was the source of the banging noises - which sounded a lot like two colts running desperately away from a mare for some reason, since they were able to hear a muffled, shouting voice:
"...And you left me with that other colt! You're going to be so sorry! Now I'm gonna tear your heart out like you tore mine!"
After that brief moment, the hoofsteps and shouting were long gone. The two guards looked at each other confusedly.
"Shoulda just told her his barn doors swung that way from the start." said the second guard.
- - -
"Quick Puck, in here!" Quirk hissed, as he dove down a dark, vertical chamber. Puck immediately followed Quirk down the shaft, falling down several meters before hitting the solid metal of the vents. Pinkie Pie's AUP continued running through the vents above, venting her anger over the fact that they had made off with letting Rainbow Dash escape from before, and how it had ruined their play time together. Somehow.
"ouch." commented Puck, as he wearily got back up on his hooves again. Looking up, Puck could see Quirk peering through an opening in the vent, leading to an unseen room.
"This is no time for useless comments, Puck - we are now in the vent which is adjacent to Princess Celestia's bedroom. Now, we'll need to obtain all of her personal jewelry, and be on our way to the treasure vault!" Quirk proclaimed.
Quickly and quietly, Quirk unscrewed the screws in the gate of the vent before pushing it out and sliding it to the side. Motioning Puck to follow him, Quirk sneaked into the room, staying low to the ground all the while - Puck did the same.
After they were both outside of the vents and in the bedroom, Quirk quietly whispered, "Now, there's probably guards outside of the room, so we'll want to be careful not to make too much noise and-"
Suddenly, a brief, magical blast could be heard in the room - it was the sound of a teleportation spell. Not taking any chances, Puck dived behind the closest form of furniture he could find (which was a chair next to the bed), with Quirk diving under the bed itself.
Peering closely, the two could plainly see a dark blue figure, with a starry mane, standing at the foot of the bed with an amused look on her face.
"No! I thought this already happened an hour ago!" cried Quirk silently. Looking back at Quirk's face from behind the the chair, Puck could see that he clearly appeared to be distraught.
"What's the matter, captain?"
"Puck - stay completely quiet, and hold your breath so you can't be heard, after Princess Luna uses that spell."
"But I can barely even hear myself breathi-"
"SHHHHH!"
Luna trotted over to the side of the bed, forcing herself not to laugh, as she took in the sight of Princess Celestia sleeping soundly, peacefully, and unknowingly, in her bed.
"Puck! New plan! New plan!" hissed Quirk again.
"What is it, captain?"
"Can you get a good view of Princess Celestia from where you are?"
Puck tried to look up and to peer around the side of the chair in order to get a good view of the scene taking place before him.
"Yeah, I think so."
"Alright, I want you to listen to my words very carefully. If you screw this up... Well... I'm teleporting out of here and leaving you to deal with it yourself."
Puck found that, for some reason, he didn't like the sound of that.
"In a moment, Princess Luna is going to use a magic spell on Princess Celestia. When that happens, I want you to do your magic and cause a distraction, which will ruin Princess Luna's concentration, and cause the spell to fail. Whatever it is, it needs to be a loud distraction, so that you can get the guards' attention."
"But I thought you didn't want to get the guards' attention, captain."
"Puck, there are worse things than getting the guards' attention. Much. Worse. Things."
Puck peered around the chair and back at Princess Luna, who appeared to be concentrating on the spell already. Swallowing hard and hoping for good luck, Puck tried to find one of the best magic tricks in his vest for this occasion. Discovering that the best thing he had was something like a cherry bomb, he spread out the feathers in his wing and hid the bomb between his primary feathers for the magic's delivery.
"Only magic pegasus..." Puck whispered to himself, preparing himself for the right timing.
Luna cast the spell, causing a blue light to eminate from her horn in a way which directed it towards Princess Celestia. In that split second, Puck flapped his wing and shot the bomb into the air, causing a loud pop to be heard, with small rivers of fire darting every which way from the explosion. Luna, in the middle of her spell, tripped over in surprise and fell to the ground.
"Who's in there!" shouted a guard from outside the door.
Making a gasp of surprise, Luna left the room with a teleportation spell, leaving the two colts and the half-asleep Princess Celestia, who was groaning while getting up in her bed, while rubbing her eyes in the process. The bedroom doors were unlocked, and swung open, with the two colts running inside.
“Princess Celestia!” The guard on the right announced. “We saw a bright flash coming from the window of your room, is everything alright!?”
“Well of course, everything's just...” a sudden jolt seemed to impact Celestia, as her eyes appeared to widen, pupils dilating harshly, and her teeth seeming to jitter uncontrollably.
"Puck!" hissed Quirk
"Yes, captain?"
"The plan didn't work - I'll meet you back at the ship, but until then my friend, every man for himself!"
Of course, he teleported out of the room.
"Great." Puck sighed, trying to peer back at the scene taking in the bedroom.
Princess Celestia began to eye the colts strangely, as if she had some deep, dark, hidden desires pulsing in the back of her mind.
"...Princess Celestia, are you sure you're alright?"
Celestia suddenly used her magic to swing the doors shut, locking them in the process. The two guards looked behind them confusedly, then at each other worriedly, then at Celestia fearfully.
"Oh, everything is just fine, gentlecolts..." Celestia slurred, "I just wanted to know something... more... about the both of you."
"H-how... How s-so, your highness?"
She glanced at them both deviously. "I just wanted to know... if you both... liked..."
The two colts began to back away slowly.
"I just wanted to know if you both liked..." she said once more, toying with their emotions.
"Nlock-uay the oor-day, buddy." the Guard on the right hissed hissed in piglatin, which unfortunately, his partner didn't know.
"...Bananas."
The two colts looked at the Princess with surprise. "Bananas, your highness?"
"Yes, bananas. Do you two gentlecolts like bananas?"
"Well, uh... I guess, I mean-"
"'Cause you're gonna GO bananas!" Celestia howled, "ON THE MOOOOOOOON!"
A random cannon shot up from the floor beneath the two colts, pointed directly out the window, and shot them clear through the night sky, all the way to the moon. The cannon then returned to the floor whence it came.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" she cackled, her dilated eyes looking upward in pleasure.
Suddenly, the door burst open once more, with more guards on the scene.
"Princess! What happened here? We were on the beach and-"
"TOO THE MOON!" the Princess cried once more, the cannon appearing all over again, and shooting those guards, all over again, to the moon. And again, the cannon hid itself in the floor, waiting for its next victim.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" she cried again, laughing hysterically.
"My sister! I am so sorry!" Princess Luna exclaimed, running through the door and into the room, "this is all my fault!"
Celestia suddenly looked serious, and stared at Luna for a moment. "My sister, I need to tell you something very serious about this."
"...What is it? I deserve to hear whatever you say."
"Luna, there is just one thing I need to know."
Luna swallowed, shame and guilt written on her face.
"Luna, do you like bananas?"
"...I'm sorry, what was your question?"
"IT'S TOO LATE TO ANSWER, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO... THE MOOOOOOOON!"
Again, the cannon shot up from the floor, pointed out the window, and fired Luna right at the moon.
"AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! HAHA!!"
"Puck!" Quirk hissed.
Puck looked away from the scene and at the vent opening, to see Quirk standing there.
"Captain... I thought you'd left!"
"Well, I did, but I decided I do need you to be a part of my crew so here I am. Now get back in this vent - we need to get out of here!"
- - -
"This is bad, Puck, very bad." Quirk began to explain, as both he and Puck briskly traveled through the castle ventilation.
"What is bad, captain?"
"Well, Puck, this dimension was called the 'Princess Molestia' dimension, because Princess Celestia was supposed to become Princess Molestia by accident when Luna used that spell on her. Instead, because of the distraction we created, she is not Princess Molestia, but Princess Trollestia! Of course, that wouldn't be bad, unless we have the S.S.Aweship with us, in which case, the unpredictable Trollestia could use the dimension break that the S.S.Aweship causes in order to allow herself to wreak havoc throughout infinite dimensions, and causing unrest in the many worlds of fanfiction forever!"
"Fanfiction, captain?"
"Nevermind, that, Puck, nevermind. What you need to understand is that there are a great many "beings" who are called "dimension authors". These "dimension authors" have the power to create new dimensions for Equestia for many days to come - it is a beautiful thing, Puck, but imagine if it was all ruined by an interdimensional traveler of havoc, chaos, and uncontrollable griefing! Do you know what that means for the many parallel universes of Equestria???"
"You mean, if Princess Trollestia gets out of this dimension and travels into others, then it will spell the apocalypse for the many existing dimensions, as well as the many other dimensions to be created by these "dimension authors" in the future?"
"Yes, Puck, exactly! If Trollestia pierces the dimension barrier, than it will mean the end of the world for these many dimensions as we know it - their realities become warped, ruined, and twisted, until they are mere gibber-jabber! Not only this, but it could open the doorway for Trollestia to appear in the Forbidden Cannon Dimensions!"
"The Forbidden Cannon Dimensions, captain?"
"Yes, Puck. And if that happens... May the true Celestia save us all."
- - -
"Puck, you take the crow's nest, and I'll take the wheel! You'll need to fasten the rope up there to yourself in order to remain on the ship!" Quirk proclaimed, as he jumped to the wheel and flipped some switches. Puck quickly flew up to the crow's nest and fastened a rope around him and the mast.
Quirk started to activate the ship with his magic now, causing the ship to levitate off of the mountain and turn to face the night sky above.
"Hold on to your beret, Puck!" shouted Quirk.
"Aye aye, captain!" shouted Puck in return.
Turning his gaze to the stars, Quirk caused the ship to launch into the night sky, the stars appearing to become closer and closer with every second. Then, a portal opened ahead of them into whatever story they would be taken into next. Quirk didn't select any dimensions specifically this time - he only cared that they would be out of this dimension before...
No... It couldn't be...
Princess Trollestia was flying right next to the portal.
"That's not possible!" Puck shouted, seeing what Quirk was seeing, "she didn't know anything about this at all!"
"This isn't even in character for her at all, Puck! She's breaking the reality barrier!"
Trollestia cackled a maniacal laugh, then shouted "YOU MAD?" before flying right through the portal and into the mystery world beyond.
The S.S.Aweship, now moving to fast to stop, flew right through the portal and into the wormhole leading into the next dimension. Whatever future adventures would be had now, were anypony's guess.
