Oneshot
Discord sat on a rock throne overlooking the entire ocean with a long piece of string attached to his right claw. Today was the first month anniversary of being released from stone for the second time, and all he wanted to do was unwind with a little fly fishing. Maybe some self-reflection too.
After all, here he was forced to make friends and tone down the chaos. Ponies in general in his mind were simple creatures, they lived their whole lives with only a limited amount of play and fun. For all he saw was ponies finding their cutie mark and pledging undying allegiance to harmony’s ideals as soon as possible. Then for the rest of their lives relentlessly work, and then eventually get buried into cemeteries. Despite being given a new chance, reanimated pony skeletons all refused his offers and kept shooing him away. Then to add insult to injury, the ponies had the nerve to crawl back inside their coffins. Sure there were the occasional pony last millennium that might have enjoyed what he had to offer. But alas, no such luck in this era.
Was it not his job, nor his duty to show what fun could be had with a sprinkle of chaos? His beloved chaotic paradise over all ; where pigs flew, toasters grew wings, and it rained chocolate milk. It truly was a beautiful sight in the olden days. Even a small cult of earth ponies began to form to worship him.
At least the moon princess was on board with everything for a while, and all that was needed was the approval of one member of royalty for things to be allowed. The approval lasted until her beloved moon became nothing more than a giant block of cheese in the sky; complete with several bombardments of cracker meteorites.
Only for the princesses to undo the damage, and turned to stone. Then the precious moon princess herself was stuck there on her moon for millennia. Discord chuckled softly to himself and sighed. “Muenster for a monster. Oh Discord. How do you do it? Too bad there isn’t an audience here”.
And suddenly, clops were approaching from the east. Getting closer and closer. Until an orange pony stallion was standing right behind Discord. One with a brown curly mop of hair on his head and a serious wide smile that said “Hi world! I'm on a mission”. He proceeded to slowly retrieve his trusty rubber chicken from his saddlebag.
“How's it going stranger? My patented Cheese Sandwich sense told me this was one of the classiest places to find a delightfully handsome catch. Any takers yet?”
Discord slowly turned around and with a yawn replied “Interested in a mosquito? They're quite chewy. I don't know what those sunfish are complaining about.”
An orange fish bounced out of the water and shook a fin at him, then with a splash landed back in the water. Cheese Sandwich gently pushed the bag of mosquitoes aside and looked Discord in the eyes.
“You know you make quite the snack Mr. Discord” , Cheese Sandwich said, wiggling his eyebrows at Discord.
Discord licked his lips then with a comical light bulb popping up over his head, a delightfully entertaining idea entered his head. He looked back at the fish then the stallion, and snapped his fingers. A cacophony of sounds ranging from a high pitched train whistle to a bang of a large gong played. Then Cheese Sandwich began to mutate; limbs bending each way into a fine pretzel knot and began stretching like a balloon. Until finally, Cheese Sandwich resembled a mutant form of his namesake.
“Now, that is a snack!” Discord said, slapping a knee. The sandwich giggled, spraying a few crumbs on the ground. It then looked at Discord with wide eyes, realizing the implication. “Oh. Don't worry. I'm not going to eat you.” Discord proceeded to cross his arms and huffed indignantly,“I'm lactose intolerant”
The sandwich gave a sigh of relief. “Well. Perfect to know. That sort of thing ruined my last date with this one stallion. White fur, blond mane, and was a complete and utter buzzkill really. Kept insisting I should know who he was and that his aunt was going to give me an ear full. Of course that's what I get for using Pinder instead of using my gut. But there are plenty of fish in the sea. Am I right? Am I right?”
Discord winked. “I couldn’t agree more. Schools and schools of fish definitely would want you” With a snap of his fingers, the cheese sandwich now had a flotation device wrapped firmly around him. Discord then turned away from the sandwich and began fishing around in his red rusty tackle box. Then pulled out a comically large hook and some durable wire. With a precise poke, Cheese Sandwich was now firmly attached to a hook. “Come on Discord ol buddy, ol pal. No need to do this. I love jokes more than the average stallion, but isn't this a little much?”
Discord in his standard handwriting, which would make doctors’ notes look neat, began writing down a note and taped it onto Cheese Sandwich’s back bread slice. Cheese Sandwich blinked and glared at him. “Just a little note when you make your way back out.”
With a large heave, Discord cast his fishing rod backwards and with a jerk cast it forward into the water. Cheese Sandwich went past the salty depths, and into some seaweed. Unfortunately for him, his body slowly started folding back out and twisting back into his regular stallion state. After a few short minutes of pushing and pulling his limbs, Cheese Sandwich only managed to get more tangled up.
Then the hook managed to fall off. Cheese Sandwich struggled against the weeds. But it was no good. He was trapped. “At least I am going out the way I always wanted to, in an improbable chaotic scenario” , Cheese Sandwich thought to himself.
As Cheese Sandwich started losing consciousness, several passing schools of clownfish started pushing him up to the surface. Within a few minutes, Cheese Sandwich washed firmly up on the beach where Discord was impatiently waiting on him.
Discord ran a claw over his face then marched straight up to Cheese Sandwich and snapped up a bicycle pump. With the end of the nozzle firmly nestled in Cheese Sandwich's mouth, Discord began blowing air back into his lungs. Then Discord put a wind up key into Cheese Sandwich's front, and gave it several twirls.
After some sputtering, Cheese Sandwich had a ton of water pour out of his mouth. He took in a couple of deep gasps of air. “Th…Thank you for saving my life. I thought…”
Discord held up a claw. “Sleep with the fishes. I know. The fish were supposed to spell a message for you. It was going to be so perfect too. You see my message, check the note , and boom. You were going to be wowed.”
Discord crossed his arms. “Now that's a bust. And any attempt to do something now will be completely expected and missing that pizazz factor. I mean I'm Discord, but I have a standard to keep.”
Cheese Sandwich couldn't help but laugh. “Oh but Discord you always will have that pizazz factor to me. And oh dear I'm feeling faint. Surely a kiss from my savior will make me feel better” Cheese Sandwich said, puckering his lips at Discord.
Discord tossed some candy at the stallion. “There. Enjoy your kiss. Now stay out of trouble. Please.” Cheese Sandwich sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Also please don’t forget my note.”, with a snap Discord teleported away.
Cheese Sandwich checked his back and sure enough the note was still on his back. He grabbed his spare pair of reading glasses from his orange t-shirt.
“Look. I think you seem kind of neat. Which is why I’m giving you a chance. Call me sometime by standing in front of a mirror while wearing a hat in a goofy fashion and saying my name three times. Then we could see about some kind of date.
Chaos and Mischief,
Discord”
Cheese Sandwich vibrated in place for several minutes and leapt into the air shouting “Woo-hoo! A date!” Cheese Sandwich began pacing back and forth. “I wonder if he likes seafood. Maybe he'd like a Griffon place? I’ve heard great things about one in Canterlot. Going to have to think about that for while”
Cheese Sandwich was assured of one thing though. Someday soon, he will have an amazing date ahead of him.