"Testing, Testing—One, Two, Three"
Recording...
Name: Applejack Apple
Age: XX
Hometown: Ponyville, Equestria
“Y’all want what now?"
"..."
"Y’want us all t’say sumthin’ dirty fer stallions t’hoof their cornholers to? S'that really worth two hundred bits to ya?”
“...”
“Ahlright, ah s’pose. Jus’ say the first thing’t comes t’mind, then?”
“...”
“Mkay…uh…”
[Clears throat.]
“Well hiya there, partner. That’s…uh…a mighty big pecker you got there. You, uh…want t’take a roll in the hay?”
“...”
“‘Sumthin’ a little dirtier?’ ‘Jus’ let loose?’ Alright, uh…”
[Coughs.]
“Uhh…heya there, stud. Those foalmakers of yours are lookin’ pretty, uh, heavy..."
[Awkward blush.]
"...what d'ya say we head out back behind the barn so ah can help y’take a load off?”
Name: Fluttershy Breeze
Age: XX
Hometown: Ponyville, Equestria (Formerly Cloudsdale)
“You…um…want me to say something naughty?”
“...”
“‘The naughtier the better?’”
“...”
“And…and it’ll help all those ponies feel better?”
“...”
“Um...oh…okay…then…”
[Blushes.]
“H-hey there, um, c-cuties. Why don’t you…um…”
[Blushes harder.]
“Why don’t you...um…”
[Sweating.]
“...u-um…”
[Deep breath.]
"WHY DON'T YOU ALL LINE UP AND TAKE TURNS POUNDING MY TINY PEGASUS PUSSY WITH YOUR BIG STINKY COCKS!?"
Name: Twilight Sparkle
Age: XX
Hometown: Ponyville, Equestria (Formerly Canterlot)
“An experiment?”
“...”
“For Canterlot University?”
“...”
“I don’t know—it just kind of sounds like you’re paying mares to say dirty things so you can make a few bits on the whinny-net.”
“...”
“‘A friendship experiment approved by Princess Celestia!?’ Why didn’t you say so!?"
[Taps microphone.]
“Testing? Testing? Can you hear me alright?”
“...”
“Thanks. Well then—”
[Clears throat.]
“Hi there! I’m Twilight Sparkle, Graduate of Princess Celestia’s School of Friendship and Director of Golden Oaks Library. As you can see, I’m a sexually mature unicorn mare with a lavender coat and dark purple mane."
[Trots back a few steps.]
"Feel free to masturbate to the image of me that comes to mind. I might not be there in the room with you, but I’d appreciate it if you could all reach climax while imagining me pleasing you sexually. Frequent self-prompted ejaculation has been shown to increase a stallion's performance in the bedroom, after all!
Be sure to wear a condom, though—even in your fantasies! Unprotected dream sex is the number one cause of unplanned pregnancies in Equestria.
Number two is…well…let’s just say it involves a certain somepony pranking other ponies by replacing male contraceptives with twist and shape party balloons…”
Name: Pinkamina Diane Pie
Age: XX
Location: Ponyville, Equestria (Previously Greater Appleoosa Area)
“...”
“Wowie! You sure do talk funny!”
“...?”
“You’re moving your lips, but all I can see is a bunch of tiny dots!”
“...?”
“Not hear, silly! See! Ponies are reading this, after all.”
“...”
“*Hehehehe-haha-snortsnort!* Don’t worry about it so much about it, goofy loofy—I already read Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight’s parts! I’ve got just the thing in mind!”
[Bowls clinking.]
[Chef-hat-putting-oning.]
[Furious mixing.]
[Rubber chicken sounds.]
“Okie dokie! Hi everypony! Welcome to Pinkie Pie's Dessert Corner! Today we’ll be making a special cake for all of our hungry stallion viewers!”
[Oven dings.]
“...!?”
“That’s right! A super-duper-extra-vanilla-fudge-triple-decker-layer-cake! And we all know the most important ingredient when it comes to baking a cake—”
[Camera zooms.]
[Winking sound.]
[The suggestive splurch of a vanilla frosting tube.]
“A thick, creeeamy, white glaze at the end~”
Name: Rainbow Dash
Age: XX
Hometown: Cloudsdale, Equestria
“Dude, no way! That’s gross! I’m not going to be boner material for a whole bunch of stallions who can’t get marefriends.”
“...”
“I don’t need the bits that bad, bud. And besides, that sort of line from me would be worth 400 bits, at least.”
“...”
“‘Publicity?’ What do you mean?”
“...”
“‘This could help me be a Wonderbolt?’ ‘Spitfire and Misty did it?’”
“...”
[Clears throat.]
“Uh…right…yeah…yeah…I totally realized that, too. Just, um, you know, playing hardball. Gotta make sure you, uh, know what you’re doing.”
“...”
“Right, right…uh…something hot. Okay. Um, easy. I’m, like, the hottest pegasus in Cloudsdale.”
“...”
“Okay…um…right…uh…”
[Scratches mane.]
“Hey, uh, dudes. Bet your, uh, cocks are getting pretty hard thinking about all this, aren’t they? Cause I’ve totally been around enough stallions to see that sort of thing happen before.”
[Scratches mane again.]
“Well, uh, try to imagine this future Wonderbolt here while you still can. Cause once I start wearing that Wonderbolt blue, you won’t be seeing these sweet flanks without a uniform again!”
[Coughs.]
“Now, like, cum or something. Just don’t jizz in a sock or jar or anything weird like that. That’s gross, dudes.”
Name: Rarity Belle
Age: XX
Hometown: Ponyville, Equestria
“Well hello darling, so nice of you to drop by! I’m all ready for the shoot whenever you want to get the camera rolling.”
“...?”
“Well of course, dear. Pinkie Pie told me you'd be dropping by. You didn't think I'd let you catch me unprepared, did you? Carousel Boutique isn’t the number one fashion outlet in Ponyville for no reason.”
“...”
“Ah, yes, of course, of course. No need to explain the details—I have just the thing in mind. Right this way, dear—I’ve put together a small set for the shoot.”
“...”
“Why they are indeed! Imported satin sheets from Yakyakistan and bird's eye ruby accents from Griffonia. I doubt you’ll ever see another Equestrian boudoir as sophisticated as this one anywhere outside of Manehatten or Canterlot.”
“...”
“Right, right, right—of course, dear. Let me just get ready.”
[Trot trot trot.]
[Gargle-gargle. Spit.]
“La la la la laaaa.”
“...?”
“Whenever you are, dear!”
“...”
“Right.”
[Clears throat.]
“Good evening, my charming stallions. It is I, your mistress of the night, here to whisper sweet nothings into your masculine, equine ears."
[Dramatic pause.]
Imagine it, dears—a lovely night in Prance beneath the stars. The scent of fresh cut roses and lavender wafting out from the bedroom. The entrancing eyes of this striking, virgin white mare staring back at you, lit only by Luna’s moon.”
[Dramatic flourish.]
“A light caress. A gentle touch. The sweet taste of champagne on each others lips…”
[The sound of a small smirk.]
"Now whip out those unsightly, swollen members of yours, dears, and ravish me until I’m screaming your name.”
Name: Trixie Lulamoon
Age: XX
Hometown: …?
“Wait! Trixie wants to be in the story, too!”
“...”
“What do you mean there were only six spaces open? Is there not always room for somepony as magnificent as The Great and Powerful Trixie!?!”
“...”
“Waitwaitwait! Trixie will…Trixie will do it for only 100 bits!”
“...”
“50 bits!”
“...”
“10 bits!”
“...”
“Trixie will pay you to do it! No way Teacher’s Pet Sparkle is the only one who’s going to be famous!”
“...”
[Triumphant whinny.]
“Trixie knew you would make the right decision!”
[Clears throat.]
“Now what was Trixie supposed to do again?”
“...”
[Pause.]
[Pause.]
[Pause.]
[Blush.]
“You want Trixie to say she’d suck a stallion’s WHAT!?!”