I’m going to Canada
“Anon, please don’t go!” Twilight begged.
Watching her human friend pack his things Twilight kept trying to convince him to stay.
“Twilight I’ve had it with this place! Every week I wake up to my house being destroyed by yet another magical bullshit situation. I’ve rebuilt it so many times it’s not even the same house anymore, it’s been through more damage than London during the Blitz” Anon stated, packing his limited edition Celestia posters.
“Anon we can fix this, you’re one of my best friends I don't want to lose you” Twilight pleaded.
“Twily you’re not losing me, I’ll come back to visit. But I can’t live here anymore. In the words of my college know-it-all hippy brother when the election didn’t go his way ‘screw this place I’m going to Canada’” Anon said.
Tilting her head Twilight became confused.
“What's Canada?” Twilight asked.
“It’s a big place up north back on earth,” Anon explained.
“But you’re not on earth,” Twilight argued.
“That’s irrelevant, Canada is north and it’s cold, therefore if I find somewhere north and cold I’ll be in Canada” Anon explained packing the last of his bags.
Saying goodbye to his friends, Anon waited for the lunch time train to the Crystal Empire.
He would have gotten one sooner but it took an hour to pry Pinkie off of him.
A flamethrower was needed.
When the train came Anon made his way to the first class coach, having sold his home to the Rich family to make room for a new store of theirs, Anon had the cash to splash on a nice trip.
“Now, how do I get to Canada?” Anon said to himself looking over a map of the continent.
North of Equestria was the Crystal Empire, north of that was Yakyakistan. Taking out a red crayon Anon began to scribble Canada over the large stretch of presumably frozen land north of Yakyakistan.
“Perfect, it’s on the map therefore it can’t be wrong” Anon mused to himself.
“Sir Anon?” A voice called out inquisitively.
Looking around Anon noticed Princess Luna herself sat a few tables down from him.
“Princess?” Anon asked, watching the alicorn move to his table.
“What are you doing here? Going to visit Cadance?” Anon asked.
Looking initially hesitant to talk about it Luna confided in Anon.
“Well, Tia and I have had a fight,” she began.
“Oh no” Anon responded.
“I’ve been back for nearly three years yet she and Canterlot by extension treat me like a foal fresh off the teet, I’m tired of living in Tia’s shadow so I’m leaving Equestria for a century or two, depending how long it takes for me to stop being angry with her” Luna explained.
“Sorry to hear that” Anon said.
“Thank you for your sympathy, but may we inquire where thou are going?” Luna asked, slipping back into old equestrian.
“I’m sick of my house getting blown up so I’m going to Canada” Anon explained.
Almost perfectly mimicking Twilight’s confused look Luna tilted her head.
“What prey tell is a Canada?” Luna asked.
“It’s a place up north where my brother and all his friends tried to go when his candidate lost an election” Anon explained.
“Did he get in?” Luna asked.
“No they wouldn’t let him in, turns out poetry about basket weaving isn’t a desirable degree up there” Anon explained.
“Oh, well what is Canada like?” Luna asked.
“Never been there but I’ve been told it’s great, beautiful wildlife, hokey games, Canadian bacon, all the maple syrup you can drink and everyone’s apparently super polite. But I’m not going to eat pineapple on pizza, that alone is a nukeable offence” Anon described Canada.
Intrigued by the concept Luna thought over this magical land of Canada.
“It sounds like an impressive land, we will accompany you to the realm of Canada” Luna decided.
“Sure, the more the merrier,” Anon agreed.
Travelling for a few more days, the two took a pit stop to visit Cadance, Shining and Flurry before continuing north to the land Anon believed to be Canada.
When the train tracks ran out in north Yakyakistan they continued on foot or hoof. Not allowing things like the cold to get in the way of their mission.
“Sir Anon, how much further until we reach the realm of Canada?” Luna asked, wrapped in several wool coats.
“We’re almost there Lulu I can practically smell it!” Anon said, himself wearing more layers than a wedding cake.
Holding the map in front of him, Anon suddenly stopped.
“I’d my calculations are correct, Canada should be right in front of us” he said, lowing the map to see his long awaited reward.
Looking around them they saw no hokey games, no maple syrup, and the Niagara Falls were replaced with a small stream flowing beside them.
There were plenty of trees and snow capped mountains but it didn’t look particularly different from the last hundred miles of walking.
“Well… this place sucks,” Anon commented.
“Agreed” Luna said.
“Wanna build an igloo?” Anon asked.
In the months following their arrival Anon and Luna had constructed a large igloo home for themselves in the Great White North.
Inside the multi-floored dome the two self-exiles enjoyed their day to day life. Making the nation's finest (and only) maple syrup, playing hokey, and hunting the local seal population into extinction for their fur and meat.
Oh Canada.
Cuddled next to an enchanted campfire both dressed in the finest fur drip. Anon and Luna enjoyed their evening hot coco.
“Anon, I’ve been thinking,” Luna said, using a napkin to wipe the coco stains from around her muzzle.
“Sure what’s up?” Anon said, holding a sewing needle in one hand and the finest baby seal leather in the other.
“We’ve been living together for several months now” she stated.
“That long already?” He asked.
“Yes, and during that time I’ve become accustomed to your presence. I, I don’t want that to ever change” Luna explained.
“And it won’t, I’ll always be your Canuck buddie” Anon said, using a reassuring tone.
“Yes Anon, but I want to be more than ‘buddies’ if you understand what I mean,” Luna explained.
Anon didn’t know what she meant, that's why he stared at her with his blank, question mark shaped face.
Seeing she needed to be way more direct Luna let out a sigh.
“Will you be my coltfriend?” Luna asked. The most wholesome smile spread across her face.
It took Anon’s brain several seconds to process this.
A princess wanted to date him, HIM. The guy who travelled halfway across a continent to immigrate to a nation that didn’t exist.
So naturally when such an awesome opportunity presented itself. He completely fucked it up.
“Well, Luna I like you, but I’m not entirely sure I’m into ponies, you know?” Anon said “I mean if I was born a pony or you a human I’d definitely jump on that offer but-“ he continued to drone on.
Looking frankly bored at her human roommate’s constant talking, Luna used her magic to lift the blanket they were under upwards. While he was distracted by constant talking she lowered her head downwards towards his crotch.
“Then there’s the question of your royalty. I mean we need to think about your reputation and the opinion of the general popula- OH CANADA!” Anon said, before the sudden warm and wet sensation jolted his brain and he began singing the national anthem.
A year later their daughter Northern Lights was born, and with her birth came the first Canadian.
Then they had another kid, and another, then ‘Aunty Twilight’ threatened to cut off Anon’s shlong after she tried foalsitting six foals at once while Luna and Anon had date night.