Up Her Butt and Around the Corner
The stench was abysmal, like hayburger and apple pie turned into excrement. Which, Twilight reflected, was exactly what it was. But worse than the smell was the pain, and worse than that was the inevitable humiliation. She was going to be stuck until somepony found her. When that happened, she’d turn into a living urban legend.
An hour ago, Twilight had been alone in her room, casually clopping to gay erotica. She knew the stories were written by mares, but they were also written for mares, and somehow, they were just what she needed after a long day researching spells. In this story, Well Hung, a unicorn with a cutie mark that stretched all the way down his leg, had a casual encounter with a handsome and muscular earth pony, Pierced Bottom. Well Hung had been emotionally damaged by his past lovers, and Pierced Bottom was secretly insecure, so only after their roll in the hay did they realize, to their horror, that they both wanted romance. By then, ordinary dating would have been too awkward. To make their relationship work, they needed sex. Lots and lots of sex.
Twilight found it thoroughly satisfying until one of the final scenes. To liven up the action, Well Hung used his horn to penetrate Pierced Bottom. That paragraph made Twilight stop reading. She slowly shut the book and stared into the distance. Then she opened the book again and reread the paragraph three times, taking mental notes.
Twilight had used sex toys before, and she had penetrated herself using telekinesis, but she had never considered using her horn. It had always been impossibly placed. Just this morning, however, she had been studying a spell that let her create portals from one place to another. She could walk into a portal in her library and come out in her kitchen. She had wanted to create long-distance portals, like between Ponyville and Canterlot. But what if she wanted to go a very short distance? Like from one end of her body to the other?
Twilight set the book aside and stood in the middle of her room. She concentrated and summoned two hazy gray disks, one in front of her and one behind. They coalesced, glowed, and solidified, becoming circles that hung in the air just off the floor. Through the circle in front of her, she saw her tail. When she stretched one front hoof and one hind hoof through the portals, they touched.
The problem was going to be getting the distance right. These portals were too far apart for what she wanted, and she didn’t know how to move them once she had created them. Maybe there was something in one of her books, but figuring it out would require further study. Right now, she thought, it wasn’t necessary. She just needed to be accurate.
Twilight dispelled the portals and tried again. Her second set of portals was much closer together. Too close, it turned out, because even going sideways, she only barely fit between them. When she tried to turn to face herself, her head ran into her flank. She twisted her body, first left, then right. She bowed and wriggled and shook in all directions. Nothing worked. A stallion could mount himself with these portals, she thought. Star Swirl the Bearded could have done it. Probably had done it, since a true wizard like him wasn’t going to get laid any other way. But Twilight didn’t have enough space to move her horn into position, so she would have to try again.
For her third attempt, Twilight used a stick of chalk to mark her outline on the floor. She considered the position she wanted; posed herself; wondered why she was bothering with portals when she could have already gotten herself off with her hoof; decided she wasn’t going to back down from a challenge; made more chalk marks; took measurements; and finally summoned a pair of portals. She knelt on her forelegs, shoved her rump as high in the air as she could, and stepped between the portals. She turned her head right, putting it through one portal. It came out a little behind her left hind leg. When she stepped her forelegs through the portal and straightened her body, the end of her tail was directly over her head. She swished her tail aside, looked up, and beheld herself in all her wet, sticky glory. Twilight didn’t consider herself a connoisseur of the female form in the way some of her friends were, but she grinned in anticipation.
Yet her horn didn’t cooperate. If she raised her head, it jabbed her stomach. If she tilted it backwards, it slid along the outside of her folds. It was too rigid, and the space was too small, for her to penetrate herself easily.
Finally, by simultaneously arching her back, curving her neck, and leaning her head forward, Twilight made her horn slip inside her. It didn’t fill her like a stallion would. At least, not how she imagined a stallion would. Her studies of friendship hadn’t progressed quite that far, so her expectations were based on anatomy textbooks and gossip. She bent her knees a little and rocked forward. Nothing seemed to happen. Her horn wasn’t any deeper than it had been before. She rocked backward. Again, nothing. Rocking, she realized, made her horn and body move in tandem. If she wanted to thrust her horn in and out, she needed a different strategy.
Twilight bent her body, and her horn slid out a little. Another bend and it slid back in. She flexed back and forth. A shiver of excitement ran through her. She was having sex with her own horn! Yet most of her excitement was because she had gotten the motion to work at all, not because it was stimulating. If anything, the sensation was underwhelming. The portals were just barely too far apart. Even when Twilight stretched as far as she could, her horn wasn’t deep, and it was too thin at the tip to stimulate her the way she craved. She might be able to get herself off this way, but it wasn’t going to satisfy her.
It had been tricky to get her horn inside herself at all. Moving the portals even closer would make it impossible. If she was going to make this happen at all, Twilight thought, she needed a better plan.
Twilight dispelled the portals without stopping to realize that she was inside them. A wave of pressure exploded through her body. It sucked her head back through one portal, yanking her horn out of her with a painful pop. Tumbling head-over-hooves, she shot out the other portal. The moment her body was outside the portals, they vanished. Twilight hurtled through the air until she slammed into a bookshelf.
Twilight groaned. The experiment had been a failure, she thought. It might be worth revisiting when she figured out how to move a portal, but for now, there was no way for her to get into the right position after the portals were created. With a sigh, she began putting fallen books back on her shelf.
Her flash of insight was so sudden that all the books fell back to the floor. It was so simple. She didn’t need acrobatics. She just needed to create one end of the portal around her. It would pull her through exactly opposite to how it had just pushed her out. As long as she aimed properly, she could go as deep as she wanted.
Twilight stood in the middle of her chalk marks and lowered her horn to horizontal. Two gray, smoky disks appeared, one behind her and one around her shoulders. The disk behind her took shape easily, but the one around her shoulders resisted. It squeezed her as it began to form. Pressure spread from her shoulders to her forelegs and head. She felt like she was forcing herself through a keyhole, and she began to tremble with the effort.
There was a sudden pop. Burning pangs tore through the lower half of her body, while her head felt clamped in a vise. The pain was so immediate and intense that for a moment, Twilight couldn’t make a noise. Her whole body clenched tight, every muscle flexing hopelessly against the agony. When she couldn’t hold the pain in any longer, she exploded in a scream of anguish.
The difficulty of summoning a portal around herself, Twilight realized, had thrown off her aim. The portals were too close, and her horn had strayed a little high. Now her sphincter was stretched over her forehead almost to her nose. She had accidentally shoved her head up her ass.
When Twilight recovered from the immediate shock, she tried to dispel the portals. Again, a wave of pressure slammed into her. It shoved her shoulders through one portal, but they came right back out the other, leaving her just as stuck as before. The continued pressure accelerated her, and she whipped through the portals dozens of times in the space of seconds. She stabilized the portals. The pressure disappeared, and by dragging her hooves along the floor, she stopped. She was jammed too tight to ever be entirely outside the portals. She had no way to close them.
Portals were made by ripping the fabric of space and sewing it back together. Just like rips in fabric, there wasn’t an obvious way to move them. She had to try, though. She focused magical energy on the portals, hoping that brute strength could move them farther apart. Power coursed through her horn, yet nothing happened to the portals.
Twilight began to panic. She knew that she was lodged too deep to pull out of herself, but she tried anyway. She whispered, “Please come out. Please come out. Please come out,” but each bend and twist caused sharp stabbing pains in her intestines. She got no closer to freedom.
Twilight’s only hope was for somepony to move the portals for her. She would have to wait until somepony found her. That might take until tomorrow morning or maybe even later, and whoever found her wasn’t going to be able to help immediately. Portals were difficult magic. The only ponies who might be able to move them were Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. By the time her story reached them, the rumors would have already galloped halfway across Equestria. The Foal Free Press’s top headline would be, “Unicorn turns herself into literal butthead!” They’d probably even print a picture.
The only way for her to avoid eternal disgrace was to escape before anypony found her. Then she could crawl, anus bleeding, to Nurse Redheart and beg for mercy and privacy. For all she knew, though, it could be too late already. Her eyes and ears were shoved so far up her butt that she couldn’t hear or see anything. Somepony could have already found her and she would have had no idea.
The unfairness of the situation stung. She was a powerful unicorn. No unicorn in the past hundred years, maybe longer, could have attempted sex with their own horn. Now her power had cost her her reputation. All her research, all the spells she invented, all the adventures she had had, all would be forgotten, while tonight would live on forever. A thousand years from now, her biography would begin, “Twilight Sparkle, most powerful sorceress of her era, is best known for accidentally inserting her cranium into her rectum.”
There was nothing she could do but wait. Wait, and endure the stench of the mostly-digested lunch in her intestines. Wait, and survive the pain. Wait, and prepare for inevitable disgrace.
When a possible solution first occurred to her, Twilight was sure it wouldn’t work. One set of portals had gotten her in plenty of trouble. Surely a second set would only make things worse. But she couldn’t escape unless she created more room for herself, and the only way she knew how to do that was a portal. She imagined various configurations in her mind. Most seemed to make her problem worse. But there was one idea that seemed promising. If she formed one portal around herself, maybe she would be pulled through. If the other portal were far enough away from the existing ones, she would be free.
She turned over the plan in her mind several times before deciding it would work. She would place one portal just behind her hindquarters. The other would be near her flank but would face out, towards her room.
Twilight sensed that the portal facing out took shape easily. Just as before, the portal around her resisted. A squeezing sensation spread around her neck and head. It had the comforting effect of easing the pain in her overstretched anus, and the relief helped Twilight concentrate. Pressure pushed her buttocks away from her head. She grit her teeth, and the dark insides of her bowels glowed from the magical energy being channeled through her horn.
With a pop, the portals heaved Twilight through. Her flight lasted only a moment. Standing in front of the far side of the portal, directly in her path, were Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Spike. She collided with them, and the six ponies and one dragon tumbled into a heap on the floor.
Twilight was relieved. She was free, and her butt no longer hurt quite so much. Mixed with that relief, however, was shame. Her friends were here. They had seen her. They were studying her now, examining the manure that coated her horn and the blood that seeped from her anus.
Fluttershy asked, “Are you okay?”
“Sorry,” mumbled Twilight, “I got manure in your mane.”
“But are you okay?” asked Fluttershy. “You look like you need Nurse Redheart.”
“I really don’t want anypony to know about this.”
Rarity said, “We won’t ever tell. Promise.”
Rainbow Dash said, “I’m getting Nurse Redheart. Be back as fast as I can.”
“Wait!” shouted Twilight, but Rainbow Dash was already gone.
“Sorry, Twilight,” said Spike. “I heard you scream, so I came to check on you. And when I saw you with—with—”
“With my head up my ass,” said Twilight.
Spike looked away. “Yeah. I didn’t know what to do, but I thought you needed help. But I didn’t tell anypony else, I swear.”
Pinkie Pie added, “He told me you had an emergency, so I thought you wanted to have a party, because what kind of emergency could somepony have at this hour except wanting a party, but you’re never the one planning parties, which is why I thought you needed me, and when we got here and saw your position I thought you wanted a sex party, but I didn’t have any naughty balloons with me, but I did have regular balloons, and I was just starting to make balloon animals with dicks when you did something magical again and then you exploded out of that weird hole the way a stallion cums down my throat!”
Twilight nodded. She tried to stand, but it hurt too much. It would hurt for a long time. She lay down instead. A quick spell made all the portals vanish.
Applejack asked, “Anything y’need to do ‘fore Nurse Redheart gets here? Like, say, anything y’want to hide?”
Twilight started to shake her head, then nodded. “There’s a book,” she said, waving her hoof toward the story of Well Hung and Pierced Bottom.
“Oh, this,” said Applejack. “It’s a good ‘un.” She put the book on a shelf, hiding it in plain sight among other volumes.
“You know it?” asked Twilight.
“Sure do. Spent quite a few hours with it myself.”
“Really?”
“Just why do you seem so surprised, sugarcube? I’m a mare too, y’know.”
“I always thought you didn’t know how to read.”
Applejack shrugged. “Ain’t much for books. Don’t got time what with the farm and all. But what’s a mare in heat gonna do? Most of the time, the only other ponies around are Granny Smith, Big Mac, and Apple Bloom, and they ain’t always in the mood.”
“You have Winona,” said Rarity, “just like I have Opal.”
“You don’t have to bother Opal,” said Spike. “I’ll do anything you want.”
Rarity chuckled. “Spike, dearie, I’ll never be that desperate.”
Rainbow Dash flew in the window. “She’s on her way,” said Rainbow Dash. “It could be a while, though. I don’t think she’s the athletic type, and as everypony knows, I’m the fastest—”
At that moment, there was a knock on the door, and Nurse Redheart barged in carrying saddlebags full of medical supplies. “Where’s the patient?” she asked.
“How did you—” said Rainbow Dash, her voice trailing off. But before the words were out of Dash’s mouth, Redheart was at Twilight’s side.
“Tell me what happened,” said Redheart.
“I—uh—well—you see—” said Twilight.
“She had an accident with a new spell,” said Rarity.
“And she’s lucky we found her in time,” said Pinkie Pie.
“Really?” said Redheart. Her eyes swept over Twilight’s gaping butthole and manure-covered horn. She nodded and began digging through her saddlebags. “Well, you’re lucky I’ve seen things like this before.”
Twilight said, “Really? I’m not alone?”
Redheart began cramming Twilight full of gauze. “We’ve had a spate of injuries like this, all connected to some erotic book. Most ponies wouldn’t admit what they were doing, but it was pretty obvious, especially after seeing dozens of cases.” Redheart closed her saddlebags. “Those cases involved couples, and the injury wasn’t as severe. But the treatment is the same either way.” Redheart ran through a list of instructions, ending with, “Come see me tomorrow and I’ll give you an ointment. Your friends can help you put it on. But if you like, I’d be happy to help with your personal care.” She winked at Twilight, put on her saddlebags, and left.
“I think she might’a guessed what happened,” said Applejack, “but I don’t think she’ll tell.”
“Did she just hit on you?” asked Pinkie Pie. “Because that would be awesome! Our Twilight is finally gonna get some action!”
Rainbow Dash crossed her arms and slumped. “First pony I’ve ever met who can keep up with me, and she’s interested in somepony else.”
Twilight shook her head. “I’d be too embarrassed. I’m embarrassed even around all of you, and I know you so much better.”
“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” said Rarity. “We’re here for you, any time you need anything.”
Twilight debated within herself what Rarity meant by that. She looked at the girls crowded around her, at Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Fluttershy. They all had expressions of tender concern. But there was something else on their faces, too.
In a small voice, Twilight asked, “Anything?”
It was the next morning before Twilight found time to write.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Last night I learned that the magic of friendship doesn’t stop at the bedroom door. Friends aren’t just for good times and bad times. They’re also for sexy times. If I had relied on my friends when I got horny, I wouldn’t have injured myself so badly. And now that we’ve started sharing beds, we’re even closer friends than before.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. You’re welcome to be friends with us, too.