Shooting his Shot
"So, what are your plans for Hearts & Hooves Day, Big Mac?" Spike asked at the weekly Ogres & Oubliettes session he played with Big Mac and Discord. With a grin, the little dragon added, "I bet you're going all out this year. Lemme guess: a private candlelight picnic under the tree your parents got married at with custom apple chocolates from Sugarcube Corner and a guitar serenade with a love ballad you wrote yourself?"
"Eeyup," Big Mac agreed.
Discord paused the game, even right as they were riding toward the Squid Caverns, the costumes and cardboard scenery disappearing with a scoff. "Oh, not you too, Big Mac," he said disdainfully.
Big Mac gave Discord a puzzled look, and Spike raised an eyebrow, leaning over from the screen. "What do you have against Hearts & Hooves Day, Discord? You're not one of those bitter single types, are you?"
"Hardly," Discord said with a roll of his eyes. "I'm not disappointed about being single because I'm not interested in being double - or any other multiple, for that matter," he said. He poofed up a screen projection of little silhouettes, perfectly shadow-puppeting along as he explained, "Every year, stallions bend over backwards with chocolates and poetry and songs and diamonds and gesture after romantic gesture - only to get their hearts broken, their desires unreciprocated, their efforts wasted. Hard. Pass." He emphasized as the screen burst into flames and disappeared in a whirl of ashes on the breeze.
Spike and Big Mac looked shocked at Discord's cynicism. "Oh, c'mon Discord, it's not that bad. For starters, you know the mares do stuff for the stallions too, right?"
"Oh, and I suppose a hoof-knit sweater or some heart-shaped cookies are just what every stallion is dying to get on Hearts & Hooves Day? Come on, Spike. I suppose this year you're gunning for Rarity again?"
"You bet!" Spike answered enthusiastically. "And I think this year's gonna be the year! I'm pulling out all the stops: her favorite bon-bons and ice cream, a hand-made card, and a custom dress Twilight helped me design! Nothing gets to Rarity's heart quite like fashion."
"But that's my point!" Discord replied. "You go to all that trouble, and for what? For the chance that she might agree to be your very special somepony for one measly day?"
"Well..." Spike and Big Mac looked at each other now, knowingly, but Discord certainly did not know. "There's always the benefits."
Discord paused. "Wait, you mean... the benefits?" he asked Spike.
"The very ones," Spike confirmed.
"He means..." Discord turned to Big Mac.
"Eeyup."
"Is Spike old enough to know about those benefits?" he stretched his body over the table to ask Big Mac in a hand-covered whisper.
"Eeyup."
"C'mon, Discord," Spike cut in. "Everypony knows that mares are more open to putting out on Hearts & Hooves Day. It's a big romantic day, and some sweet guy surprises them with a really romantic gift and sweeps them off their hooves - the best way to end a romantic day is with a romantic night in, if you know what I mean," the drake said with a devilish grin. "That's where the guys get their payback for all the hard work we put into that lovey dovey stuff."
Now Discord was confused. "So you're just... faking it for sex?"
"No, Discord," Spike said with a roll of his eyes. "It's just, you know... stallions and mares have different ideas of what a romantic day looks like. Mares want gifts and romantic gestures and sweet nothings and diamonds and all that..."
Big Mac nodded, then added, "And we stallions want to get our nuts sucked."
"Exactly!" Spike agreed. "Is that so bad? You write a love poem for a mare you like, she gargles your balls - everypony's happy!
Discord was starting to reconsider, even through the tight feelings building in his chest at the sudden turn of tone and subject matter. "I... suppose I do like getting my scrotum licked on occasion..." But he pushed his arms out, as if pushing the thoughts away, proclaiming, "No! Even so, I am not some drooling, catcalling, dick-tugging neanderthal like every other male out there. Maybe all you two can think about is getting laid, but I'm above all of that."
Now Spike and Big Mac were really perplexed. "Really? You don't want it? At all?"
The difficult questions and topics just kept coming, and Discord rubbed the back of his neck nervously as he tried to explain without sounding like some weirdo or loser. "It's not like that," he tried. "Everypony has, well... needs, ahem," he cleared his throat as he muttered the last word. "But you mortal stallions are all motivated by that animal instinct to hump until you die. I am a higher being, an immortal spirit spawned from the ether when the first prehistoric lizard did a handstand. I don't need anypony else. And I don't need orgasms."
"Wow..." Spike said, and both he and Big Mac looked at Discord with pure disbelief. "You're serious, aren't you?"
Discord leaned back in his chair. "Trust me, life is a whole lot easier once you manage to get over all of it. I got all of it out of my system about ten thousand years ago and I never looked back."
Spike and Big Mac hardly knew what to say. "Well, that's a shame," Spike said. "Because I can think of at least one pony who probably really wants to get it on with you."
Discord only moved his eyes to cast a suspicious, narrow glare at Spike. "Who?"
"Fluttershy, of course."
"Eeyup," Big Mac confirmed.
"Shut up," Discord dismissed them. "She and I are just friends and you know it."
"That doesn't mean she doesn't want to be more than friends," Spike said. "Your weekly tea parties? That whole fiasco with the Grand Galloping Gala? Heck, didn't she introduce you to her parents last week?"
"What's your point?" Discord asked.
"Oh, I think it's obvious that our little Fluttershy wants to get chaotic," Spike joked with a grin.
"Eeyup."
Now Discord felt that tightness in his chest return with a vengeance - and something new with it, something light and... fluttery. "You really think so?"
"Everypony is just waiting for you two to hook up!" Spike said. "And I bet, if you made a big move this year for Hearts and Hooves Day, Fluttershy will be begging for a taste of grade-D eggs!"
Discord's face felt red, his heart pounding. This was all happening so fast! "Well, I... I never thought about it. But, I suppose..."
Now he was thinking about it. About sweeping Fluttershy off her feet. The sweet, soft, butter-coated mare batting her eyes at him, swooning over him. Treating her with all her favorite things. Confessing his feelings for her. Hearing her say that she loved him, too. Then carrying her up the stairs to her bedroom... her face appearing over him as he spread his mismatched legs, displaying his precious, sensitive balls to her. Her eyes closing as her head dipped lower, muzzle open, and then...
With his face entirely red and steaming coming out of his ears like a boiling kettle, Discord cracked. "Alright, I'll go for it! I'll ask Fluttershy to be my special somepony this Hearts and Hooves Day!" Just saying it aloud felt exhilarating. But then came the doubt. "Oh, but what do I do? You two have been planning for months, and I've barely got days!"
"Don't sweat it," Spike said. "We'll help you come up with the perfect plan!"
Fluttershy took her first deep breath of the clear morning air, brisk in her lungs, and felt invigorated, as if she could breathe in the very sunshine. The birds were chirping their first mating calls, the squirrels were chasing each other up tree trunks, and even the bears were snuggling together in their dens - yes, love was certainly in the air this Hearts & Hooves Day!
Fluttershy had always loved the holiday. It just warmed her heart to walk down the streets of Ponyville and see all the couples, sharing milkshakes and rubbing muzzles, exchanging gifts and songs, and even just gazing into each others' eyes. It was the only day when everypony had full license to show their true feelings for one another. Mr. and Mrs. Cake always exchanged special heart-shaped cupcakes with each other and a kiss. Cranky Doodle and Matilda cuddled out on his porch's loveseat, one of the few days of the year they emerged from his shack to be with the town. Big Mac and Sugar Belle, Ponyville's hottest new couple, necking sweetly as they headed to Sweet Apple Acres with a guitar slung over Big Mac's back. Even her own father always took an early-morning weather flight to shape the clouds into hearts so her mother would see them when she woke up in the morning. Fluttershy was absolutely, completely surrounded by love, and only the stoniest of hearts wouldn't be moved.
And the cherry on top was that today was the usual day of the week she had her regular tea party with Discord. It just felt right; if she didn't have a special somepony on Hearts and Hooves Day, then spending it with a friend she loved dearly was just as good.
But Discord surprised her on the way to the tea shop to prepare for the afternoon. She didn't realize he was there until she passed under a tree, and the branch began to shake, with all the leaves falling down shaped like hearts. He was laying out on the branch, his long body stretched along the limb, looking down at her. "And where do you think you're going, you pretty little thing?" he purred to her.
Fluttershy blushed and shivered. Discord had never taken such a tone with her. But it was Hearts and Hooves Day, so compliments were to be expected. Plus, it was nice to know he thought she was pretty. "Oh! Discord! You startled me," she said, smiling up at him from under her mane. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, given that it's a special day and all, I thought perhaps we could shake things up a bit, hm? How does a picnic sound for lunch before our afternoon tea party?"
Discord smiled down at her, his expression always seeming just a bit mischievous, as he held up a cute picnic basket with a checkered blanket overtop.
"Oh... That sounds lovely!" Fluttershy agreed.
"And I know just the spot!" he said. With a slithering coil, he made it down to Fluttershy's level before handing her the basket. "Here, hold this," he said suddenly. She was forced to catch it suddenly as Discord snapped his fingers.
The two were by the riverbank, the backdrop of trees and fields against the other side bright and cheerful. Already, other couples were having their own romantic picnics, but Discord's approach was more comical than amorous. "Just a few things, really," he said. With Fluttershy still holding the basket precariously in her hooves, he opened it up and laid out a big blanket, a salad, a cobbler, a cheese board, finger sandwiches with little heart-tipped toothpicks in them, a different salad, a bottle of champagne, crystal glasses, a couple of reclining chairs, heart-shaped throw pillows, and a pie for dessert.
"Oh, Discord," Fluttershy said, stifling giggles as the stuff just kept coming out of the little basket. "Is all of this really necessary?" she asked.
"No, of course not. But the little seasoned crackers you like so much are. Where are they? I know I packed them." Discord stuck his head into the basket before crawling inside, a great rummaging sounding, the basket shaking so hard Fluttershy could barely hold on before his head popped out. "Found them!" he said, offering her the box.
Fluttershy smiled and took the crackers, setting down the basket with Discord's head still popping out one end. "Well, this is all very sweet of you," she said.
"Oh, it's nothing," Discord said. "Well, don't be shy, Flutterbutt! Relax, enjoy yourself!" he said, using a very personal nickname for the first time outside of her cottage, making her blush as he relaxed himself, kicking his lower half out of the other end of the picnic basket as he started stacking cheese on top of his cracker like a house of cards.
Fluttershy's attention was mostly preoccupied with the river. "Oh, I just love the river this time of year," she said. "A lot of the waterfowl are starting to come back and build their nests, and it's just so sweet to see them. The cranes, the herons, even the little wood ducks!"
"And don't forget the swans," Discord pointed out, looking out over the sparkling, calm river. "Now those are some birds that really get Hearts and Hooves Day. They mate for life, you know," he said, giving a rather narrow, almost seductive gaze at Fluttershy.
"Oh, they really are so sweet. But we don't get may swans out in Ponyville," she replied.
"Especially not the most rare breed of all - what were they called? The dappled dovetail swans?"
"Oh! You've heard of them?" Fluttershy asked.
Discord rubbed his knuckles on his chest proudly. "I've been reading up on my fowl lately."
Fluttershy was keenly invested in the conversation. "They say there's only one breeding pair in the entire world. Experts think there are more, but they're so private and shy! Their mating dance is supposed to be beautiful, but no one's ever managed to document it!"
Discord feigned disinterest, looking out over the river. "Hm? Oh, well perhaps you should get a pen and paper then. Take a look," he pointed out.
On the water was a pair of pure white swans, their feathers dotted with pink and black dots, their necks long and elegant, their beaks nearly golden. The swam out from a thicket of reeds before they began to circle each other, spreading their wings.
Fluttershy looked like she might have a heart attack. "Oh - my! - GOODNESS! DISCORD! IT'S THE DAPPLED DOVETAIL SWANS!" She wrapped her head around his neck hard enough to choke him.
"I know, I know," he told her, rubbing her back fondly. "I brought them here!"
Fluttershy looked at Discord, then looked at the swans, tears welling in her eyes. "Oh, Discord! I don't know what to say!"
Discord just chuckled. "Anything for you, Fluttershy," he said. And as he watched Fluttershy watch the birds dance on the water with a lightness and elegance as if they could walk on the surface, he felt a touch of warmth within him like he'd never quite felt before. If he hadn't already, he was certain now that he'd officially fallen for Fluttershy, and he could feel himself falling hard.
Eventually the swans retreated, the show over, and Fluttershy was talking about it so much she could barely eat. Discord just packed up the picnic basket and walked with her, listening to every last word she had to say, admiring how her eyes sparkled when she was excited, or how her wingtips fluttered when a romantic thought passed her lips. She was so soft, so cute, so slim and slender from her neck all the way down to that perfect, shapely rump of hers. Discord couldn't take his eyes off of her.
But he still managed to steer her toward Sugarcube Corner, where they usually picked up their scones and tea cakes for their afternoon tea.
The bell dinged overhead as they entered together, Fluttershy still beaming up at him, finally at the end of her gushing rant. "Oh, Discord, it was so magical! That has to be the sweetest thing anypony's ever done for me! I don't know how to repay you!" she said.
*I could think of a few ways,* Discord thought to himself. But instead, he just said, "Well, I hope it hasn't ruined your sweet tooth, because I have another surprise for you."
He nodded toward the counter, where Mr. and Mrs. Cake were awaiting with a buttercream yellow box tied with a pink ribbon. "Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Fluttershy!" the two bakers greeted her in unison.
"We got a special order for a special batch of cream cheese cookies, just for you," Mrs. Cake told her.
"From a very special guy," Mr. Cake added with a suggestive tone and waggle of his eyebrows.
Fluttershy looked up at Discord with a blush and a smile. "Your favorite, right? You said you always liked the plainer cookies," he said.
"Oh, you remembered," she told him, a lilt in her voice that almost sounded like a swoon. "Well, I wonder what makes them so special."
"Open up and find out," he prompted her. Fluttershy nodded and did just that, untying the ribbon and lifting the lid carefully from the box.
"Oh! How precious!" she exclaimed before taking one out of the box and holding it up: a white cookie, perfectly baked and decorated to resemble Angel Bunny himself.
"Your other favorite guy," Discord explained.
Fluttershy held the cookie to her chest while gazing up at Discord with big, happy eyes. "That is so thoughtful of you. I know you and Angel don't always get along, but he's really not as bad as you think. He likes you, even! And he means so much to me."
"That's why I got them," Discord said. "I know how much he means to you. All of the animals do."
Fluttershy looked down at the box with pure love in her heart. "Oh... I know just what tea will go perfectly with these! Thank you so much, Discord. You're really making this the best Hearts and Hooves Day ever!"
Discord could already feel the heat rising between them. As they left Sugarcube Corner, he could hardly take his eyes off of Fluttershy. He'd never wanted anything, let alone another pony, so badly. It didn't even manifest in any one particular way; Discord simply felt absolutely riddled with pure, debilitating need. But his need was tempered by confidence that soon, his master plan would pay off. Fluttershy would be his, and he would finally be hers.
The gestures grew progressively more subtle as the day went. Discord thought it prudent to get the big, dramatic gesture with the swans out of the way first, and then move on to smaller ones that showed his deep, intimate knowledge and love of her. That showed that he understood her in big ways and small. They had their tea party at her cottage, and they talked. They talked about animals, and their friends, and about Hearts and Hooves Day. They talked much longer than usual, the sun beginning to creep down to evening, and only then did Fluttershy, setting down her teacup, notice the flowers arranged in the vase on the center of the table.
"Discord...?" she asked, turning her head at them. "What kind of flowers are these? I don't remember picking these..."
They were pink blossoms with broad petals that fanned out, the edges frayed, almost fluffy and light, as if the soft petals tapered off into feather-tipped wings. Then, at the center, was the most delicious buttercream color, and the fragrance was sweet, like honey-glazed fruit.
Discord grinned at last, worried the entire time she wouldn't notice, but pleased now that she finally had. "Oh, those?" he feigned casually. "They're a new sort of flower I've created entirely. I call them flutterlilies. I made them just for you," he said, leaning forward to gaze deeply into Fluttershy's eyes.
Despite a day's worth of impactful gestures, the flowers still seemed to take Fluttershy's breath away. "Oh, my... Discord..." Fluttershy was entirely speechless. She leaned forward to put her muzzle in the flutterlilies, drinking their scent in deep, refreshing and light. Her blue eyes opened to bat at Discord with her long lashes. "I really don't know what to say... You've been so kind today, so sweet, and such a gentlecolt. It's really special."
Discord reached out with his talons to stroke Fluttershy's cheek gently. In a low, intimate voice, he said, "Well then, my dear, if you'll allow it... I have one last surprise for you."
"Oh, but you've done so much already," Fluttershy said. "You really don't have to."
"Please? I insist," he insisted.
Fluttershy nodded. "Alright. One last surprise."
Discord nodded back. "Close your eyes. Cover them with your wings. And don't open them until I tell you."
"Alright," she said, and the mare could feel her heart thumping in her chest with excitement. She closed her eyes and folded her wings over her face. For several moments, she heard nothing.
"No peeking."
"Okay, I promise."
Still nothing, for several more moments.
"Are you there?"
"Not ready yet."
She waited some more. Then, finally, she heard his voice.
"Alright. Open them."
When she did, Discord was gone, but in his place was a scattering of rose petals, and a trail of lit candles among the red petals. This old trope? Well, Discord did love the classics, she supposed. She had a feeling of what was coming, but she followed the trail around her cottage, through the dim light, up her stairs, toward her bedroom, where she was met with a closed door.
The rose petals led under the door, and she could see the flickering of candlelight. She had a few thoughts about what might be on the other side, but nothing could prepare her for what she saw when she opened that door.
Discord, lying on her bed on a blanket of rose petals, surrounded by candles, his head propped up on his talons, a seductive grin on his face, a rose clutched in his teeth, and his entire body stretched out on display for her, including his big, long, flaccid cock draped over her sheets. The equine shaft was utterly stunning, brown and mottled pink, his sheath riddled with a dense white bush to boot that covered his whole crotch. Fluttershy had never seen anything like it.
"Oh, goodness!' Fluttershy reacted, startled, covering her eyes and face again. "Discord-!"
Discord expected something like this, and he chuckled. "It's alright, my dear. You can look." Fluttershy timidly peeked between her pinfeathers, but all she could do was stare at that meaty slab laid out over the rose petals, and the two hefty , fuzzy fruits sagging beneath. "Well? What do you think?" he purred.
"I, uh..." she faltered. "...Didn't expect it to be so... big, or... hairy" she said, but her voice dripped with fear more than admiration.
"Oh, there's plenty more where that came from," he quipped back to her. "If, Fluttershy, you'll allow me to ask one very important question?"
Fluttershy froze, lowering her wing as she looked Discord fully in the face, that rose still bit between his teeth.
"Will you be my special somepony this Hearts and Hooves Day?"
There was a long pause. Fluttershy looked him over, her face a deep, hot red. But finally, she opened her mouth to speak.
"Oh, Discord... I don't know what to say," she started. "I... This has all been so special. All of your gifts and gestures are so romantic. I've never had a stallion do anything like this for me, not even close!"
Another pause. Discord felt his heart start to sink.
"But..."
The dreaded word Discord hoped he wouldn't hear, an icy needle racing toward his heart.
Fluttershy exhaled to prepare herself. "I do love you, Discord. I care about you so much. You're already the most special somepony in the entire world to me. But... this is... this is a bit too much for me."
Clinging to hope, Discord leaned forward, spitting out the rose as he said, "Did I lay it on too thick? Because I can fix things! I can rewind time and when you open your door, I could be under the blankets! Or fully clothed, and we-"
"No, it's not like that, Discord," she interrupted him. "It's not the approach."
"It's the bush, isn't it? I knew I should have shaved my balls!"
"No, no, it's not your, um... bush," she said in barely a whisper. "It's just I, ah... I kind of liked that I had never seen your penis before, but now I don't think I'll ever be able to get the sight of it out of my head..." she said. With a deep, shameful flush of his own, Discord snatched a pillow from her bed and covered his crotch as best he could. Fluttershy continued as best as she could. "I like you a lot, Discord. But what I liked about our friendship was that it wasn't physical. I didn't have to feel that pressure around you the way I get so scared of other stallions. You never made that kind of move on me, and I felt so safe with you. I could tell you anything, and you could tell me anything. You always reminded me that a good friend is just as good, maybe even better, than having a mate or a... sex partner."
Discord was utterly forlorn. "So... I've ruined everything, then?"
"No, no, of course not," Fluttershy said, taking a seat next to him on the bed. "I'm glad you told me your feelings. I wouldn't have wanted you to keep them bottled up. It's good for us to talk about them like this. But I just don't feel the same way as you do. And I hope that's okay..." she said.
Discord's face fell, but he nodded sadly. "Yes... Of course, Fluttershy. I wouldn't want to stop being friends with you over this."
"I'm glad to hear that," she said. "I know it's not what you wanted to hear."
Discord was starting to feel tears well up in his eyes now. "Oh, I just feel so stupid!" he exclaimed. "I should have never listened to Spike! What does he know about mares anyway? I just was so sure after all the tea parties and the whole you 'turning me good twice' thing, that you wanted me! And then when I thought about that, I realized that I wanted you and then I got into this whole crush, and... and all I could think about was how I might be ready to actually put myself out there and try to get some action for once! And I even showed you my penis, and- and-...!" Discord was plummeting into near-hysterics.
With a pat on his back, Fluttershy reassured him. "It's alright. This will just be another moment in our long and wonderful friendship; that one funny time on Hearts and Hooves Day where you tried to have sex with me and I saw your penis."
Discord sniffled. It didn't feel very funny. "I'm sure you're right..." he said. But he didn't feel any better. "I... I think I should just go. I need to be alone, or something..."
"I understand," Fluttershy said. "I'm sorry, Discord, for what it's worth. I know this is hard for you. You take all the time you need."
With a pathetic nod, Discord turned away, hugging Fluttershy's pillow before slowly fading into nothing, disappearing into the night air.
Discord found himself out on the bank of the river, near the spot where the stupid swans had done their dance. The river was clear now, the night sky bright, and Discord was utterly miserable. He was now intimately familiar with the reasons such things were called "crushes."
How had he even wound up like this? A few days ago, the last thing on his mind was romance. If you'd asked him, he would have told you that he just wanted to be friends with Fluttershy? So why had he gone and done all of this at the first inkling that things could get physical? That there could be more? He didn't understand it one bit, but he still felt completely torn up inside. He didn't want to die, he didn't want to hide, he didn't want to do anything; he just wanted to simply disappear.
"Mind if I sit for a bit?" a mare's voice came from behind.
Discord's head twisted around like an owl to see none other than... Princess Cadance?
"What on earth are you doing here?" he asked her.
The slender, pretty pink alicorn trotted up beside him and took a seat, gazing out placidly over the water. "It is Hearts and Hooves Day, Discord."
Folding his arms grumpily, he said, "Oh, and you're just the love fairy, now?"
"Something like that," she said with a shrug of her shoulders. "My aunt controls the sun, my other aunt comes to people in their dreams... Being an alicorn comes with all sorts of strange powers. I just always seem to know when there's a broken heart that needs some comfort."
Discord scoffed. "Oh, isn't that nice? Well, I'm fine, thank you very much. It is Hearts and Hooves Day after all, like you said. Shouldn't you be off slobbering on your prince's royal jewels or something?"
Cadance just chuckled. "Maybe later. But I can't help but notice that your own family jewels are a bit lonely tonight."
"Don't rub it in," he spat at her, curling himself to hug his knees.
"Just tell me what happened. This is my area of expertise, after all," she offered. "I know what it's like to be heartbroken. I really do. I just want to help."
Discord rolled his eyes. "I don't think even Miss Royal Wedding is going to be able to make Fluttershy love me."
"I never said I could make her love you," Cadance said. "I just asked what happened."
"Where do I start?" Discord groaned. "I went to the ends of the earth to put together the perfect Hearts and Hooves Day for her. I found the only two speckled-whatever swans, I got her special cookies, I even invented an entire new species of flower and named them after her! What stallion on earth could top that?"
Cadance just nodded, listening intently, looking up at him. "That sounds incredible. So what happened next?"
Discord returned to his sulking. "I feel like such an idiot. For the big finale, I did the whole 'trail of rose petals and candles' thing, right to her bedroom."
"And she shot you down?" Cadance asked softly.
Discord nodded. "And it gets worse?"
Cadance reached a hoof out to stroke his back. "You were all sprawled out on the bed, weren't you?"
"Yes," he admitted. "Rose in my teeth and all."
"That's... pretty rough," Cadance sympathized.
"Oh, that's not all," he complained. "When she walked in, I was... on display."
Cadance sucked in air through her teeth. "She saw it?"
Discord nodded. "All eight-and-a-quarter decimeters."
"It could be worse," Cadance offered.
"I neglected to do my 'manscaping,'" Discord said dourly with finger quotes. "I thought she'd like it, you know... au naturale?"
There was a long pause as Cadance nodded back, still stroking Discord reassuringly. "And now you're feeling... embarrassed, stupid, hurt, and just generally like a jackass?"
Discord sighed. "I think you just pinned the tail on me."
"She wants to be friends?"
"Yes," Discord said, but then he got more animated, waving his hands around. "And that's just it! I'm fine with that! I'm glad we're still friends! I love being friends with Fluttershy! I just don't know why on earth I would go and do something stupid like this, other than I must be just that stupid!"
Cadance considered his comment. "Well, I don't think you're stupid, Discord. You're not the greatest schemer Equestria has ever known for nothing. And all that work you put into those gestures today sounds so romantic; I'm sure Fluttershy will always appreciate it."
"Then... what's wrong with me?" he asked, defeated.
Cadance was quiet, looking out over the water for a long time. "I don't think anything's wrong with you. It's normal to want some affection. Some love. Maybe even to want to show somepony your penis and to want them to want to see it? We all want that. So to speak," she said. "But... how long have you had these feelings about Fluttershy? About wanting to love her and be physical with her?"
"Just a few days, I suppose," Discord admitted. "It all started when Spike and Big Mac started talking, telling me that everypony was oh-so sure she wanted me. And they were wrong!" he spat.
"Is that it?" Cadance asked. "It sounds like a classic crush to me."
"A crush?" Discord repeated.
"Infatuation. A fling. Just something purely physical," she explained.
Discord shifted away, snatching his tail in his claws as he did, offended. "I'll have you know my feelings for Fluttershy are hardly just physical!"
"Your friendship isn't," Cadance pointed out. "But all this Hearts and Hooves Day stuff? Definitely just a crush. And crushes can be hard when you get crushed. But I promise you, the feelings can go just as quickly as they come. In a few days, you'll be feeling good as new."
He rolled his eyes. "You make it sound like I'm being silly."
"Oh, no," Cadance said with full seriousness. "I don't think it's silly just because it's a crush. Of course your feelings matter, even those intense feelings you felt for Fluttershy."
"Well, then..." Discord was confused. "...Then what's going on? Does any of this matter or not?"
Cadance bobbed her head to and fro in thought. "Well, of course it matters. Maybe not in the long run with you and Fluttershy. But you wouldn't just develop these feelings out of nowhere for no reason."
Discord raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that maybe you felt this intense need for somepony to love you, somepony you trust and admire and care for, for a reason? Maybe there's some part inside of you that's... a little empty, and you were trying to fill it the safest way you could?" Cadance offered.
"What are you suggesting? That I was just using Fluttershy?" Discord returned.
"No, of course not. But we all need love, Discord. And no offense, but you're not exactly the most vulnerable pony I've ever met," Cadance said.
"So now I'm cold?"
Cadance responded with patience. "You surround yourself with schemes, tricks, lies, and deflections. Being vulnerable means that somepony could hurt you, so of course the first time you get close to somepony, you'd want to show them the full truth of yourself. Cock and all."
Discord thought about what she said, but sighed, looking at the sky. "So what, I'm just supposed to try again with some other pony? I don't think I could stand to go through this again. I barely like anypony except Fluttershy!"
"I don't think that's what you need," Cadance said.
Discord threw his hands in the air. "Well, I'm totally lost now. Just tell me, oh Princess of Love, what do I need?"
Cadance smirked a bit, but said, "Well, you said you were barely interested in Fluttershy like that until Hearts and Hooves Day came up. But were you happy before you got your crush on her?"
"Well... yes and no," Discord answered. "I have friends. I have a new life. But... I thought Fluttershy was the last missing piece."
"You felt like something was missing, and tried to fill it," Cadance repeated. "But maybe that something wasn't the love of another pony."
Discord couldn't roll his eyes harder. "What, so I just need to love myself?" he said with as much sarcasm as he could muster.
Cadance raised her brows as she shot back, "Well, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't like yourself. After everything you've done, all the lying and betrayal, on top of a thousand years in a statue and thousands of years before that without a single friend? That must come with a lot of guilt and loneliness."
Discord was quiet for a long moment. But then he said, "That's silly!"
With a little sigh, Cadance just replied, "Let me ask you this then, Discord: when was the last time you loved yourself?"
Another long eye roll from Discord. "I bought a fancy new pair of shades and made finger guns at myself in the mirror for a half hour the other day? How's that?"
"No no," Cadance said with a light chuckle, then fixed Discord fiercely in her grinning gaze. "When was the last time you loved yourself?"
The nod down to his crotch made it perfectly clear what she meant.
Discord recoiled. "Oh! You mean...?" With his talons in a fist, he sheepishly pantomimed a pumping motion. Cadance nodded. "Well, I don't see what that has anything to do with it," he deflected.
"Just answer the question."
"It's been... ah... a while?" he offered quietly.
"How long?"
"I, uh, don't really know, exactly," he hazarded.
"Did you used to do it more often?" she asked.
"Well... yes, I suppose. I was... fond of the activity." Somehow, discussing this with somepony else's wife was even more intimidating than discussing it with a Princess.
"So when did you stop?" she asked.
"I guess it was..." Then it all clicked for Discord. "About after I got out of the statue. I did it a few times, but... It just wasn't as interesting as schemes and revenge, and then I met Fluttershy and all of them..."
Cadance nodded. "Do you want it the preachy way?"
He shook his head. "Just give it to me straight, doc."
The Princess of Love fixed Discord in her firm, convicted gaze. "Discord," she proclaimed, "love thyself. This Hearts and Hooves Day, you don't need a special somepony. You are more than enough for yourself. I want you to take yourself on your idea of a romantic Hearts and Hooves Day date. No swans or flowers or any of that stuff you don't like. No 'manscaping' either, take yourself as you are. Give yourself the perfect, sexy, hot night of Hearts and Hooves Day lovin' you deserve."
"You mean, like..." Discord muttered, "...Order a pizza with everything on it?"
"Order two."
"And... look at dirty magazines in the bubble bath?"
"All the porn you like."
"And... and..." Discord faltered before sheepishly looking at her and pantomiming the pumping motion with his fist again.
"Say it," she prompted.
Discord gulped. "And... masturbate like crazy?"
"As long and as much as you like," she replied. "You deserve to give that gift to yourself."
"Okay," Discord said with an exhale. Turning to Cadance, he added, "Still a bit preachy, but okay... I can do that. I've never done anything quite like this just for myself, but... I suppose I'll figure it out."
"Have fun," she said sincerely.
Discord stood, dusting himself off. "Alright. I guess I should get down to it." He smiled down at Cadance. "Well... Thank you, I guess."
"I promise, tomorrow morning, you'll feel a lot better."
He nodded back at her. Smiling he said, "Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Cadance."
"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Discord."
"Ahhh..." Discord settled into the bath, his body disappearing into the bubbles of his clawfoot bathtub, currently wandering around his bathroom, creating a gentle, rocking motion that he quite liked, almost as if he was in the washing mashine while it rinsed. On either side of him floated two supreme-supreme pizzas, half devoured, belly full and satisfied as the smell of sandalwood and lilac filtered through the dim light.
He could just stop here. He didn't need to continue. But a part of him knew that he did. He didn't know if he really could give himself the kind of love a romantic date night with Fluttershy would give him, but he wanted to feel it. He wanted to feel loved and wanted so, so badly... So he supposed all he could do was swallow his fear and give Cadance's suggestion a shot.
He didn't know why this was so hard. It was just jacking off. But it wasn't the motions or the orgasm that intimidated him, it was the meaning behind them. Love, genuine love for himself, felt in every stroke... He didn't know if he was capable of that. But... he wanted to try.
Swallowing his fear and summoning his courage, Discord took the next step. With a snap of his fingers, he was surrounded by stacks and stacks of gentlecolt's magazines, each emblazoned with a different image of a nude, sexy mare on the cover. It felt so wrong, but he pushed past the impulse and decided to start light. A sports magazine featuring the Wonderbolts, shooting them in their skintight jumpsuits. Nothing too revealing, but he could already feel his libido perking up.
Captain Spitfire was on the cover, stretched out and showing her toned thighs and soft wings. He flipped open the pages, seeing Fleetfoot offering her muscled rump, Blaze on her back showing the points of her rubber-clad nipples clearly, and then his heart nearly stopped when he saw Rainbow Dash posed on a locker room bench with nothing but a towel, her vagina on casual display.
His own friend! He had to stop this, it would be too weird if he ran into her tomorrow! But this wasn't about her, he reminded himself. This was about him, his fantasies, his pleasure; what he got up to in his mind in his private time was none of her business. But goodness, her pussy looked so tight, like she would clamp right down on his cock and never let go.
Discord lowered the magazine to see his firm, eager erection poking above the bubbles. "Well, that was quick," he chuckled to himself. Somehow, talking to his penis made this feel better, easier. "Alright then. Let's get to work, shall we?"
He put aside the Wonderbolts magazine and decided to reach for something more decidedly erotic. Mares with big teats? Yes please!
The mare on the cover was flashing her nipples under the hemline of a schoolgirl skirt, and when he opened up he was greeted with naked mares, posed on the beach, openly displaying their teats, icing their nipples, rubbing them together, and more! Oh, so much more, drizzled in chocolate, playing with her pussy, even one leaking milk! All looking at the camera, at him, with seductive expressions, inviting him, telling him it was not just okay to, but wanting him to masturbate to them.
His cock was so stiff, the throbs were getting painful. "Ooh," he grunted at one in particular, realizing he'd been neglecting his shaft. "Okay okay, I'm coming. Let's do this thing!" he said to himself.
His talons wrapped around the base of his shaft, where they always started, a place he hadn't touched in some time, yet the grip felt like coming home after a long vacation. He slid his talons up the equine length, feeling the flow and the ridges as his eyes poured over teats and nipples and pussies, fueling the fires of his libido as his hand got to work, stroking up the shaft, pumping, and settling into a rhythm.
It was a slower rhythm than he might normally start with. But he was enjoying himself, feeling his own penis in a way he rarely took the time to pay attention to, feeling its eager throbs, its girth, its length, its smooth heat and needy stiffness. It was his, no one else's, and he was truthfully quite proud of it. Yes, it gave him pleasure, a sense of grounding in his very identity as a male - but he couldn't deny that he was also very proud of how big it was. Oh, he always wanted to impress a mare with it when he whipped it out in front of her, or intimidate some stallion who thought he was just some shifty noodle, but maybe enjoying his terrifically large endowment on his own would be enough.
The teats had gotten him off to a good start, and he allowed himself to moan, his voice filling his bathroom. "Ohh, that's it... Ohh, that feels good..." And he had to admit, even his own voice, loud and free, sounded good to his ears. It was time to move on, he could feel his blood racing; he needed something more hardcore.
The next magazine was called SaddleSluts, and every page was filled to the brim with mares sucking, riding, and getting pounded by cocks. A mare displayed a messy creampie on the cover, the centerfold was a three-stallion gangbang in all holes, and the feature article was about a mare who claimed to get her cutie mark in blowjobs. Every inch was stuffed pussies and big, fat, meaty dicks railing them, and Discord couldn't hold back now.
His talons pumped at his cock fast now, the water in the tub splashing a bit as his eyes poured over the salacious images. His voice echoed freely throughout the bathroom, "Yes! Ohh, heavens, yes! Mmm, that's good!" And it was good. It felt good to just let loose and masturbate, and it felt good to see all these sexy mares servicing such impressive cocks. Even if his was more impressive than any of these schmucks.
That's when Discord got an idea. He knew he shouldn't, but he was past the point of doubt now. This was his romantic date night for himself. No shame. No guilt. Just love.
When he turned the page, the stallions in the images had been replaced by himself: sprawled out on his back while a mare rode him, his cock making a mare squirt hard while its thickness pounded into her, and a close-up shot of his mighty length getting utterly worshiped by the blowjob mare herself.
Discord felt his balls tickled in just that perfect way. Maybe Cadance was right; in some ways, sex with Fluttershy could have never been this good. He never would have thought to do this if he hadn't committed to utterly spoiling himself. But now that he was here, jerking his big dick off with two hands and no abandon, he knew there was only one place left to go.
He put aside SaddleSluts and reached for the next magazine: Studcord. On the cover was Discord himself, proudly posing with his big, bushy, erect dick. The main headline proudly read, "Friendship is DISCORD'S HUGE DICK!!!" And at his hoof and claws below, gathered around him in fawning worship, were all six of his friends.
The pages could hardly flip fast enough. Discord got to see image after image of himself pounding Pinkie Pie into a messy cake while the captions pointed out how much she loved his creme filling, Applejack riding cowgirl and squirting herself silly in the center of a rodeo while wearing he wore cowboy hat, making Rainbow Dash see rainbows as he fucked her doggystyle while the Wonderbolts saluted him like their captain, Rarity having her nicest evening gown splattered with his jizz while he filled her open mouth with his spunk, and Twilight getting bent over her throne with him wearing her crown and siring her heirs within her, the Equestrian flag changed to feature his mighty phallus.
Discord couldn't masturbate fast enough. This was the hottest thing he'd ever seen, and even if he'd made it with his own magic, it still managed to surprise him with how perfectly sexy and raunchy it was. Sure, it felt more than a little egotistical - literally masturbatory - but that was the whole point of this. A little ego was healthy from time to time, and even though a part of him felt some guilt at masturbating to fantasies of his friends, he couldn't deny that he felt loved, some way, somehow.
"Ohh, you love it, don't you girls?" he moaned, and he felt the guilt subside a bit. "You love my big, hairy dick, don't you? Ohh, I know you do, you can't get enough of it. It's the biggest, best dick in all of Equestria! Mmm...!" he moaned, feeling his pleasure building in his shaft steadily. "Now, who's next...?"
Before he turned the page, he realized who was next, and he felt a surge in his balls. He shouldn't - but why not? He needed to see it, to work through it, to indulge in his desires and then let them go. It would just be a for a moment, and nothing more. He knew it wasn't real. He knew it was just a fantasy. But even so, there was nothing wrong with wanting it, with wanting to see it. He couldn't stay wracked with guilt and shame forever.
He turned the page. And there it was, Fluttershy, shoved between his thighs as he lay spread out over her bed, his arms above his head, her eyes rolling as she sucked his nuts hard and fast. Her face and his ballsack shined with her drool, and she looked like she couldn't get enough of them, like she loved their taste, couldn't get enough of the flavor of his balls, wanted to worship them and please him forever, like he'd earned it. Like he deserved it. Like she loved him and wanted to reward him for his years of loyal friendship and romantic gestures by slobbering on his balls and sucking on his pubes like no tomorrow.
It wasn't necessarily the most erotic image of the bunch, but it was by far the dirtiest, the naughtiest, the one that sent white-hot shoots of ecstasy right up from his very balls, through his crotch and up through every last vein of his cock. The captions and descriptions supplied Fluttershy's dialogue, and he could practically hear her voice cooing to him, "Oh Discord, your balls are so big and hairy!" "I've never seen a dick so powerful, and so huge!" "Please let me suck your cock when I'm done worshiping your balls!" "Cum for me, Discord! Make me your special somepony!"
"Yes! Yes!!! YES!!!" Discord cried out. His eyes crossed, his mouth hung open, and his vision went blinding white as his talons pumped and pumped until finally, everything drew to a climax.
Discord came. And came. And came some more, splattering the rim of the tub and all around it with wildly firing ropes of thick jizz, staining the pages of the magazines with streaks of white cum, strings drooling from the tub and forming puddles on the bathroom floor, blasting against the walls, the ceiling, everything.
"HHHNNNNNNGGGGG!!!" he grunted, teeth clenched in pure bliss, but his orgasm just kept crashing through him. He couldn't do or think anything else, but his talons still stroked himself expertly, delicately, knowing just the needs of his shaft, pumping him with the perfect timing to milk another few spurts out of him, letting the pleasure soak and spread through his loins before a series of quick strokes sharpened the peak. In some ways, it was just a really good session of masturbating. In others, it was without a doubt the best orgasm Discord had ever had, and he knew it.
When it finished, his chest heaved, the water was cool and the bubbles faded. His bathroom was a total mess of half-eaten pizza, porn mags, and jizz everywhere.
But Discord smiled.
"Now that's what I'm talking about..." he purred. He looked down at his limp, half-hard cock, giving it a friendly rub. "Quite the performance there, old friend. Well done, indeed."
He sighed, utterly content. He gave a few languid strokes of his shaft, a peaceful cooldown, as he laid back in the tub and soaked, relaxing.
Softly, he said, "How about round two then, hm?"
He grinned devilishly to himself as he felt his cock throb and start to stiffen. He grabbed a new magazine off the stack with his levitation on one side, a cold slice of pizza with the other, and re-heated the water with a new dose of bubble bath to foam things up.
He reached down to grip his cock again and resumed stroking with a sigh. "Mmm, that's the stuff," he moaned as he flipped open the magazine of naked mares. He knew round two would quickly become round three, then four, and on and on. He didn't know when he would stop, but he didn't care.
Tonight was about loving himself. And as he stroked himself toward his next climax, he felt that he would look back on this as the very best Hearts and Hooves Day ever.