Chapter 1
“Yes, Yes, YES! It’s finally here!” Grinning madly, Twilight snatched the package off Derpy’s hooves, shutting the castle’s door in her face without even a customary ’thank you.’
“What is finally here?” Spike asked, but Twilight’s unnatural smile said it all. “Of course, the latest Daring Do book...”
“And a few days before it hits the shelves, too!” Twilight’s grin turned to a smirk. “Being a princess has its perks.”
Spike responded by crossing his claws and frowning, clearly unimpressed. “Right... because Nepotism is Magic! Just once, I wish you were excited about something other than a... lame book.”
“Aw, is the brave and glorious Spike still pouting that Yearling forgot to mention him in her last story?”
Spike’s face turned red. “N-no! She can write what she wants. See if I care!”
“I think I just did!” Twilight’s teasing tone only fueled the flames of Spike’s cheeks. With his lip pushed forward, he was pouting like an angry toddler. “Oh, don’t be like that. I’m sure she mentioned you this time.”
“R-really?” Spike’s pout transformed into a shy smile in a blink of an eye. “You think so?”
Twilight nodded. “Nothing like a tale of a brave and glorious dragon coming through a river of flames to save his friends!”
“Y-yes!”
“I’m sure she wrote how the brave and glorious Spike marched with head raised high!”
“YES!”
“I’m sure she wrote it all! … including how he embarrassed himself by slipping down the well and crying for help!”
“YES!” Spike proudly puffed his chest, grinning, only to have his smile violently flatten once her words sank in. “... wait, what?”
The sudden backstab went through Spike’s ego like a hot knife through butter. You could almost hear his self-esteem popping like a balloon. With a frown back on his face, he turned towards the smirking alicorn, piercing her with a death glare. Not that she cared much.
“Thank you, Twilight, for reminding me how clumsy and insignificant I am.”
“Anytime, Spike! And worry not, I will never hold your insignificance against you,” Twilight added, intensifying Spike’s glare. Then, with a chuckle, she pulled him close with her magic. “Oh, come on, I was joking.”
Spike glared for a few moments but then rolled his eyes and sighed. “Sometimes, you’re the worst!” Twilight answered with a playful wink. “OK, new book, so my guess is... lock the castle down, and don’t let anypony in until tomorrow?”
“My, my! Spike, the Psychic!”
“More like, Twilight, the Predictable! You always do that when you get a new book.”
“No, I don’t!” Twilight said, but then awkwardly bit her lip. “... do I?
Seeing the embarrassment building on Twilight’s face, Spike couldn’t help to smile. “Yes, you do, Twi, but…” He cautiously glanced left, then right, then whispered. “Worry not! I will never hold your predictability against you.”
Caught off guard, Twilight pushed out her lip, pouting – precisely like Spike just a minute ago – but that only intensified Spike’s smile. Soon he smirked like a winner. The staring contest lasted a few seconds until Twilight chuckled and let go. She had to call it a draw... for now.
“OK, I deserved that one...” Twilight said. “But, now, could you—”
But before Twilight could finish, Spike was already at the door. “Make us something to eat, I know!” He went outside only to stick his head back inside the hall a second later. “See? Predictable...” Twilight opened her mouth to counter, but the dragon was already on his way to the kitchen, grinning smugly.
Twilight sighed. “I must remind myself to write a book, ‘Why You Should Never Poke a Dragon!’ Speaking of books...” She grabbed the novel and went towards her room.
***
Once she reached her bedroom, Twilight wasted no time. She jumped onto the bed, opened the first page, and started to read, smacking her lips in excitement.
’It was a dark and stormy night, and—’
”TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT!!” The holler from outside was loud enough to wake the dead.
Rest and relaxation, my rump! Sighing, Twilight put on the best fake smile she could muster and went outside onto her balcony.
“What can I do for you… Rarity?!” Her jaws hit the floor. She had expected to see her friend, not half of her friend! “W-what happened?! ... and how did you get on my balcony?”
But Rarity – or what was left of her – just pushed her head against Twilight’s, piercing her with a glare screaming bloody murder. “WHERE IS SHE?!”
“Um... who?”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
“H-how should I know? And what did she...” Twilight suddenly stopped as an intense sour smell hit her nostrils. “Is that… magical cloaking paint?!”
“Ah, so you heard of this... monstrosity?!”
Twilight nodded. “After the changeling invasion, we tried to develop something that would let a pony spy on them unnoticed. Unfortunately, the strong smell was always a disqualifying factor we could not fix, so the project was eventually abandoned. Anyway, how did you get that on your coat? This is a top-secret experimental substance!”
Rarity answered with an irritated frown. “Try to make an educated guess, darling...”
After a moment, Twilight nodded again, more to herself this time. “Right... Rainbow Dash. But how did she—”
“I have no idea!” Rarity interjected with a venomous hiss. “All I know is that Dash thought it would be… hilarious to make me invisible. But you’ll see who will be laughing when I catch her!”
Ugh, here we go again… Twilight cleared her throat. It was time for the talk. “I understand that you’re upset… again, because Dash did something stupid… again, but, please, calm down—”
“Calm down?! Oh, no, no, no, darling! I’ve been calm long enough! This time Rainbow Dash is going to get it!” Rarity started pushing forward, forcing Twilight to move back. “First, I’m gonna hunt her down and tear her limb from limb!” Her smile turned bloodlust, and her glare cold and intimidating. “Nothing shall remain, not her memory, her name! It will be as though she never, ever lived! Buhahahahaha!”
The devilish growl coming from Rarity’s throat made Twilight flinch. “W-what the h-hay… Rarity, really, calm down now!” At that moment, Twilight’s body hit the wall behind her. There was no more place to backtrack, and the mad unicorn was still pushing. ”P-pretty please?”
Twilight’s squeaky whisper somehow got through, and Rarity’s mad grin turned into an embarrassed expression, her cheeks turning red. “S-sorry, darling, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She stepped back, giving Twilight some breathing space. “It’s just this band I’m listening to lately. Discord brought some of their albums from another dimension and introduced them to Fluttershy, and she introduced them to me. Their music is very... therapeutic... Especially when you have to deal with Rainbow Dash. You should try listening to it, darling!”
“Um... Maybe later.”
“As you wish. Getting back to the matter at hoof... Are you sure you don’t know where Dash is? And before you answer, just a reminder that I work with gems in the mines.”
Twilight cocked her head. “... meaning?”
“Meaning…” Rarity’s face turned cold again. “I know how to hide a body. Even an alicorn’s body...” Her smile was back, soft and gentle as always. “Just wanted to let you know before you say something we would both… regret.”
Twilight smiled nervously. “G-good thing I have magic to protect me.”
“That’s what the last one said...”
“W-wait, what?!”
But Rarity ignored the question and waved her hoof. “Oh, never mind. I believe you don’t know where Dash is, Twilight. But because of her pranks, she’s a menace to national security. I think I should just kill her when I find her.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Sure, you’re right, no problem. Have fun hunting her down! For the... good of Equestria, of course!”
“Of course, darling!” A mad grin filled Rarity’s face again. She teleported back to the ground below Twilight’s castle with a pop.
“H-hey… HEY!” Twilight immediately yelled after her. “You know I was joking, right?!”
“That’s not how it will look in the court transcript, darling!”
“Rarity...” Twilight tried, but her unicorn friend was trotting away. “RARITY! Darn it... What if she really hurts Dash, or...” She gulped. “Kill her? Hmm…” For a moment, Twilight’s eyes began darting from left to right. Her brain began analyzing the situation but quickly shrugged off the idea. “Nah, what’s the probability of that? Twenty... maybe thirty percent? And there is always necromancy…” She waved her hoof dismissively and smiled. “Let’s not dwell on such... minutia. There is a story to read!”
She jumped back on her bed and opened the book again.
’It was a dark and stormy night, and—’
But a pop and a loud crashing sound rudely interrupted her yet again!
“What the—Argh! What’s the meaning of this?!”
Confused, Twilight glanced at equally confused Trixie, that somehow appeared next to her bed.
Regaining her composure, Trixie raised her nose high. “The Great and Powerful Trixie decided she would, um… just pop in to... annoy Twilight Sparkle!” Seeing Twilight’s eye twitching, she smiled. “Trixie is very glad to see it is working!”
Twilight closed her eyes and exhaled very, very slowly. Then she shot her a ’get the hell out!’ glare. “Get out!” She added in case the glare wasn’t clear enough.
“Ah, but Trixie just got here!” Trixie’s smile turned to a smirk. “It would be rude not to invite her for a cup of tea, wouldn’t it?”
Twilight’s left eyebrow twitched again, then her lips curled slightly into an unnatural grin.
“Trixie... do you see that telescope?” Twilight pointed at the contraption. “I have a feeling that in a moment, it will start levitating at an angle that intersects your smirking face—”
Trixie cocked her head, confused. Thankfully, before Twilight could ’explain,’ another pop filled the air, and Starlight Glimmer teleported inside the room.
“Darn it, Trixie! I told you, you need more practice before you...” Realizing where they were, she gulped. Uh-oh... She turned towards the bed, praying it was empty, but fate had other plans. “H-hi, Twilight! Um… how are you?”
“Annoyed, angry, wanting to rip and tear someone... You know, the usual when I’m interrupted trying to read a new book!”
Starlight bit on her lip and glanced away. “S-sorry... I was teaching Trixie teleportation… again, and she messed it up... again.”
“Is that so?” Twilight glanced at Trixie to see the unicorn giving Starlight a ’shut up!’ glare. The display was enough to push a gentle smile back on Twilight’s face. “And here I thought Trixie just came here to annoy me…”
“Multitasking is in Trixie’s nature!” The unicorn said, but the blush on her face was louder than her excuse. “But since Twilight is so bitchy today—”
“Trixie!”
“Apologies, Starlight. Trixie meant that since Twilight is so busy today, Trixie can drop by another day to annoy her.”
“How very... considerate of you,” Twilight said, frowning. “Now, could you both leave? I’ve got a book to read.”
“As you wish. The Great and Powerful Trixie shall perform her teleportation trick! Huzzah!”
Hearing this, Starlight’s eyes immediately widened in terror. “No! Trixie, don’t—”
But another pop and blinding flash interrupted her. Her vision returned, showing the room bare, with only Trixie and an angry-looking Twilight. The Princess was on the crystal floor, clenching her book and anxiously glancing around.
“What the… Where is all my stuff?!”
Starlight sighed. “Trixie must have teleported it away... somewhere.”
Twilight let out a very unroyal grunt, turning her deadly stare towards the Great and Powerful unicorn.
“W-what?! Accidents happen!” Trixie said. “But worry not, Princess! Trixie gives you her word—”
“Whatever that’s worth...” Starlight said, earning a stern look from Mrs. Great and Powerful.
“As she was saying, Trixie gives you her word, she shall find your things… or die trying!”
“Die trying... I doubt I’ll be so lucky ...” Twilight murmured. “Look, I’m going to teleport out of here to read my book. I’ll be back in the evening, and my stuff better be here by then, or else… I will show Mrs. Great and Powerful a trick of my own!”
Trixie cocked her head. “Oh, what kind of trick?”
“A kind that will let your proctologist buy himself a new boat!” Twilight said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me...” With a flash, she was gone, leaving the two unicorns behind.
Trixie turned to Starlight. “What’s a… proctologist?”
Starlight let out an annoyed groan; this would take some explaining...
***
A flash later, Twilight materialized on one of Ponyville’s many glades. With a quick scan, she confirmed she was on the outskirts of the city, with only some butterflies and the gentle breeze for company.
“Finally, alone...” Twilight glanced around one more time to find a reading spot, her lips curling into a smile a second later. “Perfect!” She trotted towards a bunch of trees nearby, then sat down in the shade and, with a long exhale, opened the book again.
’It was a dark and stormy night, and—’
Twilight’s ears suddenly perked up at the quiet cracking noise. “Hello? Anypony there?” She glanced up, but besides some birds, she couldn’t see anything through the dense tree coronas.
“Ugh, you’re getting paranoid, Twilight...” She turned her eyes back towards the book, but a cold, wet sensation hit her with a loud splat, rudely awakening her from her daydream.
“What in the world?!” Twilight cocked her head and locked her confused eyes on her hoof, which started disappearing! The epiphany came a second later, with the familiar intense sour smell filling her nostrils. “Is that... No!” She yelled, only to hear the well-known loud laughter from above.
“Ha, ha! Gotcha!” Rainbow Dash flew out of one of the trees, cackling harder and harder as parts of Twilight’s body started disappearing under the magical cloaking paint. “First Pinkie, then Rarity, and now You! Today is a good day to dye!” She rolled in the air, letting out another chuckle. “That’s what I call a... punny prank! Get it?”
But Twilight didn’t laugh at the joke. She was too busy struggling to remove the paint from her precious book with her magic, hissing and growling in an effort. But no matter what spells she tried, the letters were disappearing right before her eyes. It was like a nightmare, except she was awake.
“Um, you OK, Twilight?” Dash said, finally realizing something was wrong. “It was just a joke...”
Finally, admitting defeat, Twilight turned towards Dash, salivating like a dog with rabies. Her cold eyes were open wide, piercing Rainbow’s very soul. But it wasn’t until Dash noticed the book that her blood turned into ice.
“Is that…” Dash blinked in disbelief, but the smudged figure of Daring Do, still visible on the front page, cleared all doubts. “No, no, no!” Rainbow dashed down and grabbed the book, madly shaking her head. “’It was a dark and stormy night, and...’ and… what?” She squinted her eyes, but the rest of the text was unreadable. “It’s all smudged! T-twi, do something!”
“DO SOMETHING?” Twilight let out a growl that would put a mad dog to shame. “There is NOTHING I can do, you, YOU… featherbrain!!” She snapped. “YOU RUINED IT!”
In denial, Rainbow frowned back. “H-hey, don’t call me that! Besides, you should have told me you had the latest Daring Do book! I would have never tried to prank you if I knew!”
“So, it’s MY fault?!” Twilight’s entire body went aflame, vaporizing the cloaking paint instantly. “YOU LITTLE…!!”
It was at that moment she knew... she fucked up. Seeing the sphere of energy forming above Twilight’s head, Dash gulped and winced in fear. Pain and darkness quickly followed...
***
Spitfire entered the Dash’s hospital room, aiming her gaze at Twilight. With cheeks burning in embarrassment and eyes glued to the floor, the Princess looked like a foal expecting a scolding.
“I-um... didn’t mean to blast her!” Twilight said, but with Spitfire’s non-bs gaze piercing her very soul, she quickly corrected herself. “T-that hard, I mean...”
“Yes, you did!” Spitfire said, then smirked ironically. “When dealing with Dash, sooner or later, you’ll want her dead. It’s is unavoidable.”
“So... you’re not angry?”
“Of course, I’m angry!” Spitfire’s face returned to a blank, serious mode. “You sent one of the Wonderbolts to a hospital in a full-body wing-and-hoof cast, drinking through a straw! … and that’s MY JOB!”
Spitfire’s fiery last sentence rolled over Twilight’s body like a shockwave, forcing her to flinch and take a step back.
“Still...” Spitfire smiled again. “Dash had it coming.”
“Ugh... I’m in the room, you know!” Rainbow Dash said, frowning from under her cast.
“We’re well aware, Crash! And don’t even think I’m gonna let you slide for stealing the magical paint from Wonderbolts’ lab just because all your bones are broken!”
“Oh, come on...” Dash said, wincing. “Is my agony not punishment enough?”
“You call that agony?” Spitfire smiled devilishly. “What you have now is just some pain, Dash. But worry not. Once they let you out of here, I’ll show you what true agony looks like—Wonderbolts’ style!”
“B-but!” Dash opened her mouth to protest but quickly let out a resigned sigh. She knew Spitfire long enough to realize when it’s better to keep quiet. “Ugh... It’s nice to have something to look forward to...”
“I knew you’ll like it, Crash!” Spitfire said. “Oh, and before I forget, here is a little something Soarin wrote for you...”
Spitfire picked up her notepad and began to read.
Here lies the body of Rainbow Dash, done to death by a sudden crash. It wasn’t the speedy stunt that laid her low but a prank on a friend that made her go!
Rainbow Dash remained silent, but the blush that filled her face was loud enough, only widening Spitfire’s grin.
“Catchy…”
Rainbow cocked her head towards the pony entering the room. As much as her cast let her, anyway. “Starlight? What are you doing here?” She smiled ironically. “Also came to watch me suffer?”
“Nah, I was visiting Trixie on the proctology ward, so I decided to pop in.”
“Huh? What happened to Mrs. Great and Powerful?”
Nibbling on her lip, Starlight glanced at smirking Twilight, then back to Dash. “You don’t want to know… Anyway, how do you feel?”
Dash’s smile went bitter. “I’ll be fine unless I’ll die from boredom. Hospital’s monotony is killing me…”
“Oh, which reminds me, I got another present for you from Soarin…” Spitfire said and began searching her saddlebag.
But Rainbow rolled her eyes. “What is it this time? Because if it’s a whoopee cushion, I’ll pass…”
“No, this—” Spitfire pulled out a book from her bag only to feel somepony aggressively snatching it from her hooves.
Twilight clutched the book like the Holy grail, grinning madly. “The latest adventure of Daring Do! But it still hasn’t hit the shelves yet!” She turned to Spitfire. “How did Soarin get his hooves on it?!”
But Spitfire just shrugged. “Don’t know, didn’t ask, don’t care. Lately, he has been dating some bigshot writer or something, so maybe—”
“What?!” Rainbow interjected, her jaw wide open. “Soarin’s dating Dar... er... I mean, A.K. Yearling?! Awesome!” She turned to Twilight. “Come on, Twi, read it out loud!” She said, but the alicorn remained unfazed. “Oh, come on, read it for me, please! I can’t do it alone wearing all that cast...”
But Twilight just opened her bag and levitated the book inside. “Rainbow, because of your little stunt back then, I could not read the story in peace. I think I’m gonna do that now...” Her lips curled into a sly smile. “Inside the comforts of my own castle.”
“Oh, come on! Soarin gave that to me!” Rainbow said, frowning. But her frown quickly turned into a panicked expression when Twilight turned towards the door. “W-wait, wait! Lying in this bed is t-o-r-t-u-r-e! Have some compassion! … pretty please?”
Twilight stopped and turned around, tapping her chin with her hoof for a moment, thinking. But then smiled once again... and not in a good way.
“Tell you what, Rainbow... Here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna go to my castle and read it, and tomorrow, I’ll come here and give you a... brief summary of what happened so that we can both enjoy it.”
“W-what? No! I don’t want to hear any spoilers!”
“Well, too bad that with all that cast, you can’t block your ears.” Twilight’s smile turned purely wicked at this point. She made sure Rainbow took a good long look at it. “See you tomorrow!”
“Oh, come on, Twilight!” Dash tried, but the Princess was gone. “ Twilight! … darn it! Help me here, guys! Get me out of here, hide me, or… something!”
“You joking, Crash? I find her methods wicked and immoral... " Spitfire smiled. “Almost like my own! Maybe that will teach you a lesson.”
Rainbow turned her pleading gaze to Starlight, but she just smiled sheepishly. “Would you look at the time... Gotta go. I promised to get Trixie some Vaseline and ice... a ton or so...”
“Yeah, I gotta split, too. Somepony has to keep these slackers in check!” Spitfire said. “See you, Crash!”
As they both left, Rainbow let out a sigh of defeat and closed her eyes. But she couldn’t stop her mind from wondering about the new book, her upcoming punishment, the silence filling her hospital room, the disgusting hospital food, everything... and nothing. It was driving her crazy.
“Somepony put me out of my misery...”
“Funny of you to say that... darling.”
“Huh? Rarity?” Rainbow glanced to the adjoining bed on her left to see curtains split apart and a pair of azure eyes piercing her coldly. Then, she noticed one more thing floating above her own head, enveloped in Rarity’s magic... “Um... what’s with the pillow?”
But the only response from Rarity was a razor-sharp grin and a mad cackle. Then, the pillow went down...