Would it matter if you were?
"Lyra, get the door."
Bon Bon nudged a closed fist forward, then reached blindly around before it finally occurred to her that the warm body she had gone to sleep with was gone. Finally mustering the strength to open her eyes, she sat up against the wall to find herself alone in her bed.
Alone with that incessant knocking at the door.
As she worked to quickly throw a bra and shirt on, muttering various expletives under her breath, Bon Bon swiped her phone off the bedside and caught the text at the top of the pile- driving school, back tonight
Leaving Bon Bon to deal with whatever salesman had made the mistake of showing up at her door on a Saturday at...
Bon Bon checked the alarm.
10 AM.
She gave it one more rapping of knocks, rubbing her fists against her forehead and hoping whoever it was would get the message. Evidently, they did not. Bon Bon was finally what could be reasonably rounded up to an estimate of 'dressed', and headed for the door 100% ready to punch a light out. When she opened the door, it occurred to her she would've preferred a salesman.
"Heeeeeey! Bon-Bon, Bon-Bon! Bonathan, Bonnibel, Bonnie! Won't you show me how to live..." Another minute of air guitar and the blue tumor that seemed to have latched onto her doorstep grew a sense of shame, clearing her throat and stopping. "Uh... Is Lyra home?"
"You're Rainbow." The comment was less in recognition and more in despair. It might have also been a comment on her egregious outfitting.
"That's me! Yeah, of course you know me." Dash smugly smiled before wiping it off and trying to remain modest. "Listen dude, I'm not here to brag or anything! I just need some advice from Lyra."
"You're coming to my house and you want advice from Lyra." Bon Bon tilted her chin down and widened her eyes for a better reception.
"You two live together, don't you?"
"Whatever it is, it's unsalvagable."
"Ha!" Dash rubbed the back of her head as she chuckled nervously. "That's funny, but... c'mon, I'm seriously going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. I could use all the help from someone who... you know, understands this kind of stuff."
Bon Bon folded her palms together and set the resulting fist on her lips. She held that pose for several seconds before delicately unfolding.
"You do know... that we are both gay, correct? That's... how this works."
"No, no no!" Dash quickly shook her hands. "No, that's not it at all. It's... something else. I heard that Lyra... Well, you know how gossip spread, but it seemed likely when I heard it... that she's a furry?"
Bon Bon blinked slowly.
"A-And there's nothing wrong with that! It's just, something came up, and I'm starting to worry a bit about myself, and I thought I should run here quickly before I start making the wrong choices, and..."
"Lyra's not a furry." Bon Bon delivered flatly. "It's me. I'm the furry."
Dash pursed her lips, frozen mid gesticulation.
"Oh. I assumed-"
"I know exactly what you assumed. Come inside."
"Here." Bon Bon passed Dash a glass of water as they took their seats, the former on a backwards chair and the latter sprawled out on the comfier couch. Summers were getting hotter, and even an unwanted visitor deserved some modicum of relief.
"Thanks."
"Alright, now what kind of advice are you looking for exactly?" Bon Bon cut to business, dreading the answer.
Dash took a professional straightfaced sip. "So... you know about the whole statue thing, right?"
"Yeah, there's another dimension where we're all horses or something, and occasionally supervillains come over. Horses, right? I thought they were cats at first, just going off the ears and tails."
"No, no, they're horses." Dash shook her head, nervously shrinking back into the couch. "That's just it. Me and my friends have this... thing... when we're performing, or feeling some vague emotions- I haven't really pinned it down, and none of my smart friends have either, which makes me feel a little justified- we, uh, pony up."
"You get braver, you mean?"
"No, like, literally. Pony. Ears and tail, the whole sh-bang. Do you remember the Battle of the Bands?"
"No." Honestly, that whole week was hazy.
"And I like it!" Dash kept going, before steering to correct. "Like, in a normal way. Its cool, it makes me feel more confident."
"God forbid."
At this point it barely seemed the athlete was listening, wrapped in her story to the point of waving her arms around. "But I was talking about it the other day, and saying it out loud... you know, I put on ears and a tail and feel more confident, I realized it kind of sounded like..."
"Yeah, I'm picking up what you're putting down." Bon Bon admitted sympathetically.
"So I'm kind of freaking out here!" Dash clutched her head with wide eyes. "And I've really gotta know, like, how did you know? What gave it away for you, is there a quiz to take or something?"
Bon Bon had a complicated comeback cooked up in seconds. She was good at that. "Yeah, actually, there is. It's called... uh, the Furry Quiz. I took it, Lyra took it, its 100% accurate. Never been wrong." She promised with her whole gut.
"Really? Great!" Dash perked, stopped nibbling her lip and scooched forward on the couch. "Alright, so how does it go?"
"Yeah, I got it memorized." Bon Bon stood, licked her lips, and looked the guest dead in the eye. "Do you personally, want to be a furry?"
Dash waited for more.
Nothing came.
She threw her hands in the air exasperatedly. "That's it? That's cheating."
"It's really not."
"Give me the next question." Dash demanded.
"There is no other question. I lied. I'm sorry." Bon Bon said, not sounding very sorry at all.
"But- But that's cheap!"
"Its a hobby." Bon Bon argued. "Nobody is born a damn trucker, or fisher, or- or bug collector, or something. I joined because I saw these people having fun on the internet and I thought 'hey, that looks fun'. And those people I saw did the same, and those people, dating all the way back to that damn hotel room convention back in the 80s." She shook her head. "The way it seems to me, you don't want this, so just say no and save yourself a crisis."
Dash went back to chewing her lip, mulling the thought over.
"But what if I'm wrong?" She protested.
Bon Bon was far too tired for this. "Alright. You want an actual furry test? I want you out of my house, so we'll compromise." She took the glass from Dash's hands and set it on the chair, then lifted her off the couch. "By God, you're gonna get a furry test, and you're going to do exactly as I say, and at the end I'll give you my honest review, and you'll take it without complaint. Bend down and pucker up, because you brought this on yourself." Bon Bon lightly punched Dash in the arm to drive her point home.
"Are you going to... fuck me?" Dash slowly asked.
"Metaphor. It means nut up and shut up."
"Urgh- Here we go! Some good ol physical exercise to tell me what kind of person I am. I knew raw strength could solve the deeper questions in life." Dash smiled happily, pushing the barbell above her to her arms full length and slowly bringing it down again.
"Thought you might like it." Bon Bon called to her trainee's spot in the Garage from where she stood in the doorway. "Which is why I made it the fuck up." She added under her breath.
"You tallying these points- ugh- or grades, or whatever I'm getting? You seeing me?" She shifted the weight to one hand proudly.
"Yeah, you're doing great, sweetie." Bon Bon sarcastically muttered. A little too good, if her demeanor was anything to go off of. "We should move on to something a little more... intellectually taxing."
"1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war!"
Dash flipped her thumb under and over, pinning Bon Bon in a matter of seconds.
"That didn't count."
"Reference images, reference images, reference images! The rule is that furries are easier to draw than humans, but they're still pretty damn hard! You look at pictures of animals, you look at other peoples art. It's gonna give you some pretty hard Imposter Syndrome, but you're gonna soldier through it." Bon Bon barked, patrolling around the living room as Dash hunched over the household computer and whipped her mouse across the screen as fast as she could.
"Heh. Imposter." Dash hesitated to let her hand rest.
"Did I say you could stop drawing?" Bon Bon powerwalked over, nudging Dash's chair over and bending down. "Show me what you've got, and I swear to god if I see hands instead of paws-"
Bon Bon stopped, words catching in her mouth when she saw the pink speckled canine.
"That's... Pretty good."
Dash grinned.
"Can you give her bigger tits?" Bon Bon amended.
Bon Bon dusted off the DVD she held, setting it in the player and standing to hustle back to the couch where Dash waited, legs spread casually. "This is Song of the Sea, 2014, underrated classic. After this we'll loop back to Disney and do Robin Hood, then wrap with Watership Down." Bon Bon explained.
"Gotcha. Hey, is Nintendogs a furry game?"
"Nah. They're just dogs, man."
"Okay. What about FNAF?"
"Uh... I think... I'll get back to you on that."
"Is Twilight-"
"We're missing the movie."
"Here's the most important part- the internet will make fun of you if you listen to music outside your subculture." Bon Bon explained as she dragged mp3 files into the player plugged into the computer. "I'll start you off with some Pepper Coyote, some Ken Ashcorp, and Ween's 1997 hit album The Mollusk."
"Is that furry music?" Dash tilted her head.
"I mean... I like it. And I'm a furry. So yeah, it counts." Bon Bon unplugged the player and pressed it to Dash's shirt. "Give that a listen while you're picking up milk."
"I'm picking up milk?"
Bon Bon handed her a folded 10. "We're running low. Keep the change if they let you. When you get back, I'll show you my Rareware collection."
"Steve Gallaci, most famous for..." Bon Bon rose.
"Urgh... Erma Felna EDF, 1983!" Dash grunted. Bon Bon fell.
"Through...?" Bon Bon tapped the barbell she sat on as it rose again.
"2005!"
"Good year. I was born that year." Bon Bon commented. "Now name another famous furry comic that spawned from underground comix."
"Teenage... Mutant... Ninja Turtles!" Bon Bon fell.
"Too easy."
"Usagi... fuckin, whatshername..." Bon Bon rose.
"There you go, now you're getting it." She paused as the barbell fell again to Dash's chest, the athlete under her barely breaking a sweat. "How fucking strong are you?"
"Heh... You should see Applejack..." The compliment gave her the ego boost necessary to get another lift in, and Bon Bon held tight.
"That's modest of you."
"You should see her reaction to me..."
"Ah, there it is."
"Alright, we'll stop there."
Dash crashed back on the couch, clearly proud of herself as Bon Bon took her seat in front of her.
"So, did I pass?" Dash leaned forward, her leg bouncing like mad.
"Pass?" Bon Bon raised an eyebrow.
"I mean- You know what I mean." Dash handwaved.
"Sometimes I'm not sure I do." Bon Bon admitted. "We're stopping for the night, even I'm having trouble coming up with new ideas. Get home and... I don't know, screw babes or whatever it is the great Rainbow Responsibility Dash does in her free time. Come back tomorrow and I'll make my final verdict."
"Really?" Dash rose to her feet, snapping her fingers in an arc. "Alright, that's not so bad. I could do with some sleep."
"Here." Bon Bon reached for the table and passed her a paperback novella. "Your homework is Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame, 1908."
Dash snatched it with a groan, turning tail for the door and trudging out. "You're giving me a book for homework? Man, it feels like I'm still in school."
"The text is really big, don't worry about it. You can knock it out in an afternoon." Bon Bon shook her head.
Dash took a deep breath, standing tall and clutching the book to her chest. "If it means a solid answer, I'll endure." She resolved, and headed out for the night down the sidewalk.
"It's a kids book." Bon Bon sighed.
Bon Bon sat backwards on her chair, chewing the eraser end of a pencil in her mouth and watching Dash fidget on their nice couch.
Bon Bon was almost impressed by her punctuality. She had 100% expected the athlete to blow her off on what was the last day of the weekend, but clearly this meant a lot to her- this completely made up trial of amusement. Why was Bon Bon still stringing her along? The baker didn't get anything out of this. It was all fodder to build towards this moment of release, where the jig could end. Where this classmate she barely knew would leave feeling a little better about herself.
But Dash had enjoyed those movies, and drawing on a computer, and every other asinine thing Bon Bon had made up on the spot (voice acting meant a certain skill in improvisation). If she really did get an unneeded confidence boost from wearing animal accessories (Bon Bon thought that was what 'Ponying Up' meant, anyway), the signs seem clear. Better a hard truth then a comforting lie. Should a truth like this even be hard? And what the hell does any of this mean when the multiverse itself assigned you your fursona?
"You're not a Furry." Bon Bon finally decreed.
Dash exhaled, punching the air ecstatically. "Yeah! Normal again!"
"Yeah." Bon Bon deadpanned. "Normal again."
Springing up from the couch, Dash grabbed her bag and tossed Wind in the Willows back to its owner. Slinging the former over her shoulder, she walked to the front door with a certain bounce in her step Bon Bon was amused to notice.
"Alright, sorry for wasting so much of your time, girl. We should hang out sometime! You're cool, you know? See ya!"
"Dash."
Rainbow paused with one foot out the door, teetering back and leaning on the door frame. "Yeah?"
Bon Bon covered her mouth with one hand. "Ah... I know some friends who are going to a rave next weekend. Not normally my thing, but it seems like something you could enjoy, if you really want to 'hang out'. Drink and do whatever for a bit, stagger home, I don't think I've shown you anything by Don Bluth yet."
"We'll crash with some movies?" Dash perked.
"Yeah, sure."
Dash fistbumped the air. "Fuck yeah! So down! See you next weekend!"
The door slammed shut, eschewing all of the neighboring frames.
Bon Bon sat back in her chair, exhaling.
"Another one bites the dust." She'll realize eventually.