Experimentation
Twilight held up a jar. "Behold!" she said. "Parasprite birth control!"
Several of her friends stared at the jar.
"That's a parasprite all right," Spike agreed. "But what's a birth control?"
Twilight pursed her lips in thought. "Before I tell you this, Spike...I need you to understand that where little parasprites come from is NOT THE SAME as where little dragons come from."
Spike laughed. "Well, of course not! I've never even heard of a parasprite egg. Also, dragons don't lay eggs by vomiting. That would be really gross."
Twilight replied, "So I guess you understand the basics, Spike. A parasprite eats until it has enough food inside it to make a new parasprite. Then the new parasprite emerges from the parent's mouth."
"Yeah," Spike agreed.
Twilight pointed at the parasprite. "If you look closely, you can see this parasprite is wearing a little black harness, wrapped all around its body. The harness prevents the parasprite from eating enough food to make a new parasprite. So the parasprite can't have any children."
Spike peered at the tiny parasprite prisoner through a magnifying glass. "I can see it! It even has a little name tag on it. One three one three one three. What a cute name...I guess."
"I have to keep track of them somehow," Twilight said. "But from now on, whenever we catch a parasprite, we can put a little harness on it and prevent it from reproducing or overeating. Equestria will be so much safer from parasprite threats."
Spike laughed. "Do you think anycreature will want to keep parasprites as pets, and walk them on little leashes?"
Applejack snorted. "Let's hope not. And nopony tell Flim and Flam, neither."
Twilight opened a little door in the top of a cage, held the jar just above the doorway, unscrewed the lid, shook the parasprite into the cage, and double-latched the door tightly shut. "Now I can have an entire experimental community of parasprite test subjects!" she said. "Imagine the papers I can write."
***
Twilight and several of her friends stared at a large glass tank with two parasprites inside.
But these parasprites had SUBTITLES.
With a quill held in her mouth, Fluttershy scribbled on a note card. One of her forehooves held up the card she'd been scribbling on before this one. With Fluttershy's excellent understanding of every kind of animal, she knew what animals were going to say even before the animals said it, so the system more or less worked.
Fluttershy whispered, "I'm taking a few liberties. Mostly, I'm making parasprites sound less stupid than they really are."
"I feel the urge to eat more food," buzzed a parasprite...or at least that was the translation on the notecard Fluttershy held up next to him. He was pink, with a little orange mustache.
"I, too, am very hungry," said a very hairy blue 'sprite. "I feel the urge to eat so much that I can make another parasprite inside myself, and thusly reproduce my species."
Pink 'sprite tried to nibble at his piece of cake, but he couldn't get it down his throat. With the little harness restricting his body, there was literally no room. "I cannot eat enough to make another parasprite inside of me. If only there was another way."
Blue 'sprite said, "You are a very masculine parasprite. I am sure you would produce a very masculine child. I, too, am a very masculine parasprite, who would produce an excellent babyman parasprite. My friend...I believe we should make a baby parasprite together."
Pink looked at Blue. "You are, indeed, a very handsome fellow. That is an excellent idea. We should mate together, and make a little baby of our own. A baby with TWO parents, you handsome devil you."
Blue tilted his face downwards, and spewed a blue blob out of his mouth. The blob fell to the table, landing next to the cake. It lay there quivering, but mostly inanimate.
Pink flew down towards the blob, and vomited a red blob out of his own mouth, on top of the first blob.
"Ewww!" Dashie whispered. "They're...puking up together."
"Isn't it beautiful?" Pinkie Pie said. "Where the two pukes are mixing into each other, the mess is colored purple, just like Twilight. Twilight, you're gonna be the mommy of the family!"
Twilight shook her head, her face screwing up in disgust.
Rarity cooed, "Isn't it ROMANTIC?"
The blobs melted into each other completely. After a few minutes, wings sprouted from the quivering mess. Eyes opened. Finally the new parasprite buzzed its wings and took to the air. It made a high-pitched buzz.
"Mommy! Other mommy! Mommies mommies mommies!"
Fluttershy whispered, "Parasprites aren't really very smart, which explains the 'mommy, mommy' misgendering." The pegasus shrugged. "So that's the OTHER place little parasprites come from. Who knew?"
"I give up," Twilight said. "From now on it's solitary confinement for each parasprite, at least until I figure out what to even do with these things."
***
Sitting on the grass next to Ponyville's Main Branch Library, Twilight and her friends relaxed and chatted. Twilight was eating a coneful of lemonade-flavored crushed ice.
"There's something I don't understand," Twilight remarked. "Rainbow, last time we had trouble with parasprites, you offered to make a tornado and vacuum them all up. But once you've vacuumed them up...then what do you do with them? Where do you put them? How do you keep them from coming back?
Rainbow looked embarrassed, blushing a little and scratching the back of her neck with one forehoof. "Well...it's like this. Do you notice how brightly colored parasprites are?"
Twilight crossed her forelegs, staring at Rainbow Dash.
"And did you ever notice how brightly colored RAINBOWS are? I mean, the giant things in the sky? Not just me?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yes, I have noticed the giant things in the sky....oh my Celestia. You don't mean--"
"Yes. Pegasi raise parasprites in cloud farms. When they reach the 'please step on me pegasus mommy' stage in their life cycle, we crush them, process them, and make rainbow juice. And THAT'S where yellow snow comes from, along with all the other colors!"
Twilight tossed her yellow snow cone onto the ground. "I'm never eating another one of these again. Not ever."
"Aww! But parasprites really like being squished!" Rainbow insisted. "When they have their little midlife crises, they keep saying, 'Step on me! Step on me! I really, really want it!' They all crowd in to try to be the first one under your hooves."
"Sorry. Nope nope nope."
Pinkie said, "Parasprites ARE very useful. There are SO MANY different colors of frosting--"
"Nope." Twilight spat on her dirty, melting snow cone. She almost stepped on it too, but decided not to risk giving her snow cone the satisfaction.
Fluttershy said, "So many carnivores like Winona need pet food every day. To make animal-based food without being mean to any innocent animals, just the naughty ones--"
Twilight shouted, "Going into my bedroom to read a book AND NEVER THINK ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN! GOODBYE!"
When Twilight had left, Rainbow asked, "And where does she think printer's ink comes from?"
Through her bedroom window, Twilight shouted, "CANTERLOT PRESS USES ETHICALLY SOURCED, CONSENSUALLY MILKED, FREE RANGE SQUID INK! NOW GET AWAY FROM MY TREEBRARY!"
***
Sitting in the library's main Reading Room, Twilight eyed Big Mac and his handsome earth pony friend, Braeburn. She had to admit, they were two very good looking stallions. She wondered if Braeburn might be single.
Braeburn said, "We were wonderin'...could you help me and Big Mac make a foal together?"
Twilight's hopes wilted.
"Applejack told me you showed her how two parasprites can have a baby together, no matter what sex they are. So if you could turn me and Big Mac into parasprites for a few minutes, just long enough that we could both eat some food, puke it back up, and mix it together..."
"No. No way. No no no no no no nope nopey no. I am NOT helping you two make a vomitbaby."
"But it ain't fair. All the straight couples in Ponyville get to have foals. And I know you're so good at magic, you can easily turn the baby parasprite into a pony just like us. We'll work hard to be the very best parents. We'll even read her a whole storybook every night, I promise!"
"If you won't help us, you're a heterophobia!" Big Mac said.
"What?" Twilight snorted. "That's not a very nice thing to say. Where did you even learn a word like that? Also, I don't think you're using it right."
Braeburn shrugged. "A mare named Starlight Glimmer kept demanding Big Mac and I have a threesome with her. She said she was just fighting for equality and justice, but she said some very mean and hurtful things." In his eye, a tear glistened. "Do you think Big Mac and I are really culturally appropriating mareness by not having sex with mares? I hope it isn't really WRONG that sometimes Big Mac likes to wear a dress and a big bouffant wig. Because Starlight called Big Mac...I don't even like to think about all the words she used."
Twilight sighed. "You shouldn't have sex that you don't want to have. If you don't want to have sex with mares, that's just fine. Ponies shouldn't hurt your feelings to try to make you have sex with them. That's just wrong."
"What about Big Mac dressing up like a mare and talking in that high-pitched falsetto?"
Twilight shrugged. "Apple Bloom told me, she's HAPPY to have such a nice sister who loves her. I don't see what's wrong with that." She eyed Braeburn and Big Mac skeptically. "But what about you two? Do you think you're really ready to have a foal toegether? How committed to each other are you two?"
Big Mac said, "We've been secretly together for years."
Braeburn added, "Ponies like Starlight Glimmer just had us too ashamed of ourselves to tell anypony how we feel about each other."
Big Mac said, "I love Braeburn so much. I think we'll love each other forever."
Braeburn said, "Big Mac is wonderful with foals. That's one of the many things I love about him."
Twilight pawed the floor with one hoof. "If I help you two have a foal together, will you promise to stop misusing that word? Heterophobia, I mean? And will you promise never, ever to let Starlight Glimmer insult and manipulate you into having sex with somepony you don't want to have sex with? Because ponies shouldn't try to make you feel ashamed of loving each other."
"Sure!" Big Mac said. "It's a promise. If you help us, I'll never call anypony a heterophobia ever again."
***
Less than half an hour later, Twilight had wings sprouting from her back and a very confused expression on her face. "Does this mean I'm an alicorn now?"
While Braeburn cuddled the newborn foal, Big Mac said, "Eeyup. I reckon now you're the Princess of Gay Pony Foalmaking. Congratulations!" But he eyed her new alicorn wings enviously.
He muttered to his husband, "Shucks. This is just like the time when I was delivering apples to a fishing village, and I asked a local pegasus matchmaker for some advice about my...special issues. One thing led to another, and SHE turned into an alicorn. But I didn't." He sighed. "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride."
***
The next day, Twilight found Lyra and Bon Bon on her doorstep.
"Congratulations on becoming a magical alicorn pony princess!" Lyra said. "And now that you're a princess of making gay babies with your special magic..."
Twilight sighed. "Come on in. I hope you don't mind getting locked in a big cage, turned into parasprites, dressed up in tight bondage gear, and stuffed with all the stale cake you can stand until both of you throw up."
"Sounds like my perfect dream date!" Bon Bon replied. "As long as I get to do it with Lyra."
***
Twilight heard somecreature knocking on her home's front door. When she opened it, she found Spoiled Rich.
"You," Twilight said.
"Yes, me." Spoiled smiled at Twilight. "I want to help you buy a WHOLE LOT of books."
"What's in it for you?" Twilight asked.
"Well...pregnancy is hard on a mare. I don't want to get all bloated for months, and be left with stretch marks afterwards. I'd rather have a foal in a painless way that only takes a few minutes."
Twilight sighed. "Are you gay?"
"What? Why would I be gay?"
"The last fifteen ponies I did this for were gay."
"Fine. If I sleep with Applejack, will you do this for me?"
"Have you checked whether Applejack WANTS to sleep with you?"
"I have ways of getting what I want, Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight sighed again. "Ok. Five thousand bits to the library's General Fund, paid in advance...and you DON'T try to make Applejack sleep with you."
"Sold," Spoiled said. "I'll be back later today with my husband Rich and the bag of bits. It's a pleasure doing business with you."
***
Twilight heard a faint sound outside. Was a tiny mouse scratching on her front door?
She opened the door to discover Fluttershy and one of her little animal friends. "Hello, Fluttershy!" she said. "I almost didn't hear you."
Fluttershy smiled shyly. "Angel and I would like to have a baby together."
Twilight stared at the two creatures. "What species?"
"Oh, any species would do. Can you do half pony, half bunny?"
"I'll check my spellbooks. Come back tomorrow and I'll give you a progress report on my research."
***
Next to Twilight's home, an enormous building stood twelve stories high. Next to it, a construction site teemed with busy ponies and earthmoving equipment.
Twilight looked out her bedroom window, and sighed. "This completely ruins my old view of the field and the lakeside."
Spike said, "But you've helped thousands of pony couples and maresome herds to have foals of their own. And now Ponyville is the...um, foalmaking capital of Equestria. Filthy told me the local economy is really booping."
"I think he meant booming." Twilight watched vain ponies wearing designer clothes walk in and out of the "I'm Not Gay, I'm just Very, Very Rich and I Don't Like Stretch Marks Or Waiting For Months For What I Want" entrance of Ponyville Fertility Clinic. The FANCY entrance, with the highest prices on the signboard in its lobby.
She sighed. "I wonder if I could ask the Town Council to pass a law requiring each medical tourist to read just ONE book?"