Of Silly Mares and Where to Find Them
You, Anon, Bearer of the Extra Chromosome, are sitting outside your favourite coffee shop. Your rear has blessed the wicker seat for just over five minutes now, and you are starting to fidget. They did see you sit down, didn't they? They know why you're here. Why would anyone in this forsaken town sit outside a coffee shop if not for the very purpose the establishment represents?
That’s right, coffee!
You are here for coffee. You have been here for coffee every lunchtime for the past three months. So, why now do they think you want something different? Why now do you have to move from your precious table, at rush hour, to ask some miserable earth pony behind some sticky counter that you want your coffee?
Okay, that's too far… you're going to go in there and demand to speak to the manager. You have suffered a grievous disservice, and you will not stand for it, you will not accept it, and you will receive your damn coffee. If not, you will have to teach them a lesson to make them regret not noticing Anon the Resplendent Rambler by choking them out with your—
“Here you go, sir. One, err…'megapint' of steaming black coffee, no sugar, no cream, with cinnamon flakes.” The maroon pegasus mare leans her head behind her to grab the saucer off her back between her teeth and sets it on the table's edge before nuzzling it towards you. She leans back and smiles. “That'll be two bits, please,” she says in a cinnamon-sweet tone.
You know that tone too well by now, and you hate it. Never mind how familiar the voice, it still surprised you from your thoughts. Fumbling your fingers over your jacket, you try to find the bits you knew you held but not where you stowed them. Something lumpy slaps against your belly, and you hear the carolistic jingle of coins. Of course, it was in the inside pocket! You fish them out with two fingers like a toddler with a pair of tweezers and place them on the tray strapped to the mare's back.
“There you go, Cinnie.” You take a cautious sip at the brew, only for it to burn your tongue as it goes down. The intense euphoria of rich coffee splashing off your taste buds overrides the pain. A shudder riddles your body from chops to toes as you feel newfound peace course through your veins. “Busy day, is it?” You ask, mimicking her tone.
She laughs depreciatively. “Customer wise? Not really, at least no more than usual. Am I busy? That's an understatement; Cream took the day off last minute to look after her geek kid. That damn milf stitched me up! Now I have to do twice the amount of work since nopony can come in to cover,” Cinnamon Swirl complains.
“Hey! That kid is not a geek; he's a gamer. I'm sure your manager will give you a generous bonus to compensate, besides—” You point to her flank. “—those buns could use the extra work,” you tease.
Her wing snaps out and flicks your nose. "Yeah, maybe, but these sweet buns get tips," she shoots back before she walks away, swaying her hips.
You smirk as she walks inside. “I bet they do, Cinnie, I bet they do.” You know, because she bakes cinnamon buns and sells them.
Sitting back as you take a deep whiff of dark coffee, you relax from the social interaction. It isn't that you dislike talking to your friend; it's more about having to let your guard down to speak freely with somepony. Ever since you arrived in Equestria, your damned mouth has gotten you into as many difficult situations as it has gotten you out of them. Despite Twilight Sparkle repeatedly stating you can't learn, even a chimp such as yourself would learn from the same mistake after a while.
Meh, so what if you have to be more introverted — it's for everyone's good. You're far better at keeping friends now, and you've even managed to earn back access to the library — though, for what reason to enter, other than to annoy Twiggles, you have no idea.
Time goes by peacefully as you slowly work through the steaming beverage. The Sun shines intermittingly between clouds, comforting you but not making you hot. You look to your left towards Mane Street and watch ponies mill about between stalls. You lift the warm cup to your mouth and take one final gulp of the dark nectar, leaving an inch of lukewarm, thick coffee sludge at the bottom.
With your third eye awoken, you check on the mare to your right. She's a mint green unicorn with a two-tone pink mane and tail. The mare had sat down some time ago yet not ordered or received anything — perhaps it was more of Cinnamon's lousy service. Despite this, you notice she is enthusiastically chewing something.
That something suddenly bursts from her mouth in a brilliant pink bubble, which inflates until it pops. The other customers outside flinch away from the sudden sound and look back to glare at the immature unicorn.
You watch this mare ignore them as she sucks the gum back into her maw and returns to her own little bubblegum flavoured world. It's kind of cute, looking at her as she absentmindedly removes herself from the worries of the world. Not that it's difficult for these Ponyvillians.
The same cannot be said for you, as caffeine energises one of your brain cells, causing it to rub against another. You realise that as she blows another impressive bubble, it could get stuck to her face. Nevertheless, you are powerless to stop it. The massive bubble explodes in slow motion. She closes her eyes, the gum in her teeth keeps her jaw from opening in surprise, and the thick layer of bubblegum swathes her muzzle like a net shot from a cannon.
You stare at her in amusement, and a smirk forms on your lips… until her eyes snap open. Her pupils like bluebottles, she looks up at her horn and back down to her mouth. A cyan aura encompasses her horn, followed by the pink gum that stretches from the bridge of her snoot to under her chin. Relief starts to take root in your nerves, but it soon withers and dies as her attempts are fruitless.
In desperation, she raises her hooves to the gum and pulls on it with all her might. The chair under her slips as she offsets her balance. The poor mare tries to stretch out her forehooves to catch her fall, but they, too, are stuck to her muzzle. She tumbles into the aisle and smacks against the floor, bringing tables and chairs with her.
Luck took pity on her for once; fortunately, her hooves prevented the gum from contacting the floor. All the other ponies jump from their seats in alarm, and one of them rushes inside. You tear down your false wall of introvertedness and bolt from your seat to help the mint mare.
You kneel over her, grab her withers, and turn her towards you. You need to remove the gum before she suffocates. Just before you touch the sticky candy, you hear the galloping of hooves behind you, and a pair of maroon wings yanks you back.
“Anon, what did you do!?” Cinnamon shouts in your ear. She then grabs the oxygen-deprived unicorn as the poor thing starts writhing and thrashing her head, which repeatedly smacks against a chair leg.
You wave your hands at her as you sit, leaning away. “I didn't do anything!” You defend.
“Ugh! Do you have anything to prick or tear a hole in this stuff?” She hastily questions you. You shrug your shoulders. “You really are useless. Fine, I'll try to find a knife or something. Keep her steady.” Cinnie spins round and dashes into the shop.
You quickly resume holding the squirming mare as passers-by shout for help. You need something to prick a hole. Prick. You look down at your lap in thought. You have something to prick her with.
“Where in Celestia's shining crack are the knives?” You hear from inside the shop. “Oh, I know! Nowhere, because this is a blasted coffee shop, not a butcher!” Cinnamon screams.
You lean down to the struggling mare and open your mouth wide. Then with caffeinated vigour, you bite down on the gum that coats her nostrils. You bite down even harder, digging your canines into it like a rabid dog, and you manage to feel soft skin against them. Now, with a firm hold of the gum, you wrench your head back. The gum pulls away and snaps back, only looser. She's making strange noises now.
You repeat the action.
And again.
Hssssssss
You look down, one of her nostrils free and flaring for the entire world to see. She feverously sucks in and blows out of her nose. Over thirty seconds, it slows down, and her eyes return to normal.
Soon after, your friend comes back with a metal straw. Upon seeing the mare breathe, she launches the drinking utensil and collapses next to you. You both turn to look at each other. You give her a thumbs up and flash a bubblegum pink grin. She laughs and smacks your back when she sees the pink candy stuck to your teeth and gums.
She shakily rises to her hooves. “Come on, let’s pick her up, and get you two to the hospital… or the dentist.”
You really hope this doesn’t happen again… yep, now you’ve jinxed it.
Crap.