The royal battle of cake
This was the stupidest idea ever. Why did I agree to this? I had no place here, this wasn’t actually about me for once. No good deed goes unpunished.
The lights flickered on, blinding me and pulling me towards them at the same time. It was the primal urge to reach the light. I wanted to fly around it, make it mine. Then the roar of the audience hit me like a wave and my sense returned.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts,” shouted that obnoxious Pinkie Pie. She had her annoyingly bright blue suit on and a small cigar box hat. But as much as I hated to admit it, it looked good on her. Not that I cared.
“We have a great show for you tonight here at Feats of Food Engineering! It’s a royal battle between a Princess and a Queen!” Pinkie should have started with my title first. “As you know, the idea of this contest is to create food and make it into an edible model of pony engineering that Equestria has never seen! As always I, Pinkie Pie, will be the judge.’
“Today our competitors are a couple of couples! They think they have what it takes to win the grand prize – a cupcake made by me! Now let’s meet the teams.”
The wretched pony bounded toward us. She leaned on our cooling station and smiled this huge overly welcoming smile. It was a sham. She didn’t like me and I knew it.
“Queen Chryssy and Tempest Shadow! Or should I say, Fizzlepop BerryTwist?” Pinkie cheerily began.
“If you do, I will fold you into a small wedge and bake you,” growled my partner. I knew I liked her for a reason.
“And do not refer to me as Chrissy,” I pitched in. “My name is Queen Chrysalis! No pony has the right to shorten it for their convenience!”
Pinkie’s stupid face deflated a little. It made my heart swell to know I defeated that unstoppable joy. It tasted much too sweet and made my stomach turn at the thought of it.
“Let’s see the next contestants, I guess,” she mumbled before shaking her head and putting the sickening smile back on.” Over here,” she called to the audience as she quickly pronged away. My eyes narrowed as she greeted them.
“On this side, we have our own Princess of Friendship and my personal friend, Twilight Sparkle!” The crowd roared as I seethed. She spoke her name correctly, why wasn’t I afforded that same respect?
“And with her, her marefriend, Trixie Lulamoon!”
“That’s Great and Powerful Trixie!” The small unicorn called to the master of ceremonies.
“Are you two ready to design a primo food sculpture that shows your edible engineering prowess?” Pinkie leaped up in an exciting arc.
“Yes, Pinkie, we have a solid plan—“
“We’re going to kick their butts!” Trixie the egotistical and un-shutup-able screamed at us. I felt my hunger for vengeance burn with righteous indignation. A purple hoof on my shoulder calmed me… a little.
“Ok! Both teams have only three hours to wow the judge – that’s me – with your food engineering creation. And for an extra bit of difficulty, we have a surprise ingredient you have to include.” Pinkie pointed and a large curtain opened. Strawberries covered a small table, their juicy red complexion practically glowed in the spotlight.
“Strawberries!” The pink ball of energy announced as if it wasn’t obvious.
There was a strange shake in Tempest’s stance. I doubt any pony else noticed, but as her marefriend and a predator I can tell the slightest of movements.
“Are you alright—“
Pinkie whistled and yelled: “Go!” Both the Princess and I flapped our wings, straining our energy to be the first in the “strawberry grab.”
My hooves lustily grabbed them and I flew back with such speed that Pinkie nearly fell over. Tempest thrust her hooves out to receive them, but I held on tight. Something about her demeanor unsettled me.
“Give me!” Tempest demanded as I landed.
“We should discuss our construct first.” I continued to hold the berries aloft. The smaller pony looked ready to pummel me but knew time was of the essence.
“I think we should do something that moves, like a battering ram or a trebuchet.” Tempest was always thinking of war. I loved it.
“How about a catapult? If we can build one, we could literally decimate their creation!.” Of course, that would be when the judge wasn’t looking. A rogue strawberry or misfire maybe. The strawberries were pulled from my hoof.
“Now I think we could use these to decorate the outside of the supports and mash some of these into our batter.” Tempest quickly began to sketch out a battle plan on a sheet of wax paper. She was the cook, I was just the assistant.
I didn’t have much experience cooking pony food as much as the ponies themselves. Well, their love anyway. Tempest showed me I didn’t have to take it from ponies if they were willing to give it. She kept me fed.
“I need you to start mixing the flour and milk together. I’ll mash up these devils.” Tempest set to work with a masher and started on the coveted fruit.
I quickly gathered the ingredients she requested and started to combine them in a bowl. The salt, sugar, and butter followed quickly after. Then I started to whisk it as Tempest had instructed me. The batter spattered a bit and got into the holes in my hooves. I cursed the dreaded cake.
“That’s because you mixed it all together at once! Dry with dry, wet with wet, then mix them!” How dare she scold me! They all mixed together in the end, what did it matter?
My magic kept the whisk moving while I reached for the baking soda. It was then I noticed a little redness at Tempest’s hooves. It shone a little as she wiped the sweat from her eyes.
“Tempest, your hooves…” It was strange, to have such worry over a pony. It wasn’t something I was used to. I felt … fear.
“I’m fine! Just keep whisking, Chryssy. There’s nothing wrong.”
Has she not noticed? Perhaps it was just staining from the juice. Then why did it seem to cover more? Before I could fully investigate this mystery she ran from the table.
“I’ll be right back! Just keep going.” The mare disappeared behind the fake wall that hid the managing team.
I kept whisking. The batter became more of a thick gooey mess rather than the slurry it started as. It felt good. Goo was something I was familiar with. The texture of home.
Tempest returned wearing dark sunglasses. I stop whisking. She looked ridiculous and I could hear a few snickers from the audience. I studied her as she felt around for her bowl. Then bumped into me, nearly dumping its contents on my apron.
“What are you doing, Tempest?!” I hissed in a hushed tone.
“The lights are too bright! Stupid glare is blinding me-oof!” She nearly dropped the bowl again by walking into the counter.
“You obviously can’t see. Take those things off!”
“No! They will stop the show!” She was irate but still whispered. I slowly lifted the corner of the shades with my magic. Her eyelids looked red and puffy. She couldn’t see with or without the glasses.
“What has happened?!” I didn’t know what to do. My mate was injured and I couldn’t do anything!
“I’m allergic to strawberries, ok?! I’m not dying or anything, I just don’t want them to stop the competition just because I couldn’t see! But I can do this battle with my eyes closed.” She turned to the stockpile of ingredients and knocked some eggs off of the table.
“I don’t know what this ‘allergy’ is but if you can’t see you can’t help. I will battle and you can …guide me.” I did not feel as confident as I sounded. I had next to no idea how to make a baked good.
I looked over at that wretched Twilight. She and her marefriend were all over the place. Things were being baked, mixed, and put through test tubes. I wasn’t sure what they were up to but I better get baking.
“One hour remaining!” Pinkie shouted inches from my face. It was like some sort of siren. My head shook and my brain rattled for a few seconds.
The world eventually realigned itself. Where has all this time gone? Did Tempest’s condition distract me that much? This is the weakness of love, I concluded. But the idea of giving it up now made me feel even weaker.
I needed to integrate the death fruit into the mixture. I placed them in the bowl with my batter. The goo drew them in, I hoped they would drown in it.
I threw the whole concoction in the oven and began to twist candy spirals into rope, wincing. This was not my battlefield! I could suck the love out of the entire audience – but cooking?
“What are you doing now?” Tempest asked in a whisper.
“Getting these ropes ready.”
“Give me those, I can do them while you make the topping. I don’t need to see to do that.” She thrusted her hooves in close to my direction. I placed them in her hooves.
I quickly grabbed the ingredients and began the process. This cream of whipping stood no chance. It bowed before my whipping might.
“Will you stop hovering around Trixie, I know what I’m doing, Twilight.” The harsh whining pulled me out of my thoughts. The cream had tough peaks.
“I know, it’s just crucial for this build Trixie. You have to make sure the acidity levels stay constant.” Twilight pointed to some gauge I couldn’t discern. I snorted in disgust.
I looked at the plans Tempest had sketched out. I had to make the support, the lever, and the bucket. All out of this cake, a cake that I should take out of the oven!
“Gah! My cake!” I cried as I rushed to the oven. I quickly threw it open, inside sat the pan of batter. The uncooked, raw batter I placed in half an hour ago and did not turn the oven on.
I could feel the deep well of hatred and self-loathing rising. The oven glowed a violent green and shook. I could barely hear the audience gasp and whisper in fear. It would not matter soon, they will bow before the might of my power!
“Chryssy?! What are you doing?! What happened?!” The harsh shout of my partner caught me off guard. She didn’t know what occurred. My anger abated.
The glow died from the oven except for a small flicker that adjusted the dial. I decidedly closed the door and took a few deep breaths. The audience was silent, just staring at me. I looked at them as if there was no outburst or any sort of crack in my composure. I was steady.
“Everything is fine. Our cake is taking longer to bake,” I stated plainly. “I don’t think we can construct the catapult.” I knew it was my fault, but I simply could not admit it.
“Well as long as we have something it won’t be a total loss. Just have to make something. I don’t want to see Trixie’s face if we don’t have anything, not that I can.” Tempest returned to her sugar ropes.
I stood still, waiting for my batter to magically become an edible item. My matre had explained the process to me but it still looked like magic. I never really understood her words but I saw the light in her eyes when she talked about it. That light was more important than my understanding or retention of all the information, at least at the time. Right now I wished I had paid more attention.
I glanced over at the insufferable unicorns. They were somehow placing a cake-made motor into a contraption I couldn’t identify. They even seemed less contentious to each other, more at ease. It was like the work itself brought them closer. I hated it. I hated it because I wanted it, and would have had it if it wasn’t for that stupid death fruit
I looked back to Tempest. She was trying her best, despite her ailment. It wasn’t her fault we would lose. It was mine. Something strange occurred within me. I felt… shame. Shame over lying to a pony that loved me. She did not have to. She wanted to and I owed her my life. Without her love I would have shriveled into a crazed starved monster. Not a Queen.
“Tempest…. It is my fault we are not prepared. I forgot to turn on the oven in my haste. I am … sssssssss. Ssssss.”
“Uhh… is there a snake nearby?” Tempest’s knowing smirk told me she knew exactly what I was trying to say. It was infuriating.
“Sorry!” I spat the hideous word out of my mouth like the poison it was. I had lost so much glory I once had. I was apologizing to a simple pony.
She stopped my internal spiral with a hoof on my shoulder. She pulled me close and placed her red swollen face against mine. The touch was so tender from such a hard pony. It was that willingness to show that side of herself to me. She insisted that the softness took more strength than the hardness I displayed. Perhaps she was not that simple after all.
“Ten minutes!” Pinkie’s ear-piercing voice ruined our moment of solace. I was still in a competition. We both were – together. And I would fight until the end of it.
My wings flapped and threw me into the side of my oven. I ripped open the cover and grabbed my baked creation out. I had already failed our original endeavor but I could present our cake. Or throw it at the other team’s feat.
I started to pull the cake from the pan and found the texture different from most cakes I had eaten before. The solid sponge structure crumbled instead of remaining firm. I had no time to figure out what I did wrong.
“Five” cried the MC.
I dumped the cake on a plate.
“Four”
I slathered the topping on.
“Three”
I grabbed a knife.
“Two”
My hooves flew into a flurry of random slashes.
“One.”
I backed away from the monstrosity. I had no idea what I could call it but it had been completed. I looked at the audience in triumph. Then I looked at my competitors and my heart fell. Whatever they made it looked impressive. I couldn’t even describe it. There were tubes made of sugar, cylinders made of cake, some sort of humming noise and I swore it was glowing somehow.
“So, Queen Chryssy,” Pinkie cried, snapping my head back to her attention. “Tempest.”
“Chrysalis!” I hissed.
“Let’s see what you made.” The hunk of crumbling dessert was inspected from every angle. I had no idea what it was – other than a hack job. I backed away from the thing as the pony zipped around. She had no idea what it was supposed to be either and I could do nothing to aid her.
I sighed, preparing myself for the verdict and felt Tempest hoof softly touch my withers.
“Uhh..” Pinkie Piemuttered, squinting at the cake, then turning her head. “It’s aaa…”
My ears flattened themselves, as did my crown-shaped antennae. I didn’t need to hear the proclamation. I knew it was a mound of crumbling drivel.
“Oh my gosh! It’s a sculpture of Mount Aris! Look at the details!” Pinkie pulled out a picture of Mount Aris from her mane and compared it. It looked…something like it. Perhaps the pony was as blind as my partner. I was about to correct her when she shook my hoof and body with it.
“Great job Chryssy! You did so well! And it looks scrumdidtallyumpious! But! Is it enough to beat the other team?” The pink blur flashed over to Twilight’s booth like lightning. I stood in shock.
“Wow, Twilight that’s a great… uh giraffe?” The judge was definitely blind.
“It’s a working nuclear fusion reactor!” The Princess of overachieving beamed with disgusting pride.
“That's… good?” The stupid MC had no idea either.
“Pinkie, this can generate enough magical energy to keep the Crystal Heart from ever losing power! It’s run on the acidity produced by strawberries and the gobbilygook yammer yammer yammer.”
At least that is what I heard come out of her mouth. It made no sense. She went on for what felt like forever and I thought my mind would explode from boredom. I was clearly defeated. I had a cake that barely held together and only resembled some sort of mountain to a half blind pony.
“Wow!” Pinkie cried after what would have been pages and pages of explanation. “I guess you win? After the taste test of course.”
“T-taste test?!” Twilight’s voice hit a pitch I had never heard.
“Well, duh Twilight, it’s cake. I got to eat it.” The judge licked her lips in anticipation.
“There are highly unstable isotopes in it. It could kill you!” Twilight trembled at the very notion.
“So… I can’t eat it?”
“No!”
“Well, uhh,” Pinkie placed her hoof to her head again. “Queenie, is your cake edible?”
“Queen Chrysalis, you ingrate!” I barked and looked at the crumbling wad of baked good. I never even tasted it. “And yes… it is edible. Most likely.”
“Good enough for me!” In one fell swoop, the pink menace inhaled the entire mountain like a snake swallowing its prey. It was a horrifying display of gluttony.
“It’s a little dry…” Pinkie hummed, “...but not too bad. It won’t kill me if I eat it sooooo…. You win!” Pinkie threw her forehooves around me. The sky rained with confetti. I have never witnessed such a cute display of horror.
The audience started cheering. I was about to tell them to be quiet. It reminded me of the empty praise my hive would give me after every declaration. But somehow, this felt different. It felt encouraging. I was in awe of what to feel. Happiness? Embarrassed? Anger? What did they expect? In the end, I froze and stood there like a statue.
My partner stood next to me. She took my hoof and nudged me to bow with her. I didn’t understand at first until she half bent over. The crowd was cheering for us. Why should I bow to them? Wasn’t it the other way around?
A harder prod from Tempest made me at least attempt this subservient move. It was demeaning but the crowd seemed to favor it. Perhaps a magnanimous display of humility from a queen will endear me to their hearts.
“What a great show folks! Join us next week when these winners take on the Maud Squad! Good luck with that!” Pinkie turned and shook our hooves. I noticed a little green on her face. Had my cake made her ill?
“Pinkie! I told you not to eat it!” Twilight ran over and grabbed her friend who started to glow green.
“It’s cake Twilight! How can I say no to cake!”
A yak and zebra medic grabbed the neon pony and began to push her to the emergency wagon waiting outside.
“This happen every week,” the medical yak sighed.