This Fic Contains 105 Instances Of The Word Spoon
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there was a spoon.
A spoon which existed in the happy little town of Ponyville, and though the people of the village were glad, the spoon was not. It was a spoon, after all, and it's not like spoons have emotions, feelings, or life goals. That was until a very particular afternoon when our heroic little spoon gained all of those things and so very much more.
“Hoo that was a doozy,” Twilight murmured, the unicorn rubbing her temples. “Did it work?”
Spike leaned down, adjusted the light and allowing him to peer a little closer at the spoon sitting on the table before him. It was plain, ordinary, and could have been purchased anywhere really. Its slightly dulled silver finish told of many years spent serving its owners without complaint.
“Nope,” Spike replied. “It's just a spoon.”
Twilight cursed under her breath. “Where did we go wrong?”
“Where did you go wrong,” Spike corrected. “It's not like I’m helping you cast the spell or anything.”
“Well, you helped in other ways. Like tidying up the laboratory before I ran these most recent round of experiments,” Twilight replied, gesturing to the polished equipment and many shelves of books that were free of dust.
“I mean yeah but saying we in this context just seems silly. I don't know the first thing about casting spells,” Spike continued.
As the two continued to chat, the spoon twitched.
“You have a better grasp on the subject than people around in Ponyville,” Twilight pointed out. “Why I remember when you were little you always talked about becoming as good a spellcaster as your sister.”
Spike groaned. “I was five. I also wanted to be a firefighter, a pony, and the king of the moon.”
“That last one was pretty cute,” Twilight remarked.
“I-” Spike paused, the dragon noticing that the spoon had sat up and was looking at him.
Or at least he assumed thats what was going on, as the spoon had bent at the middle and the concave end was facing him. The silvery metal bent oddly, recreating what appeared to be eyes at the top of its spoon half.
“Woah,” Spike muttered.
“What are you… Woah,” Twilight echoed.
“It looks like it's looking at us,” Spike murmured, the dragon waving his hand and watching as the spoon followed it. “Wild.”
“Oh this is wonderful,” Twilight exclaimed, clopping her hooves together excitedly. “Finally a new avenue of study for my sentience research.”
“Wait, so does this mean that it's sentient?” Spike asked.
“It at least seems conscious of nothing else,” Twilight murmured, her horn glowing as she frantically took notes. “Though if its intelligent, sapient, or sentient are all up for debate at this point.”
“Wait, aren't like… those the same things?” Spike muttered while scratching his head.
“Though related they aren't the same things,” Twilight began. “Sentience is the ability to feel and perceive things. Most insects, lizards, dogs, dolphins and us are sentient. But not all of those things save us are sapient.”
“Which is…” Spike prompted.
“The ability to think,” Twilight tapped the side of her head. “Sapience is the capacity for intelligence, and the ability to acquire wisdom. Consciousness describes all of those things to most people, but when we are working with such cases as our spoon here we must be purposeful in our word choice.”
“Okay so this thing is sentient, but might not be sapient, and has at least some manner of intelligence and consciousness,” Spike repeated.
“Consciousness is itself defined by the ability to have self-awareness which is a little harder to test for,” Twilight continued. “Though some researchers think that it might be self-awareness or consciousness, but that's a bit esoteric, even for me.”
“Which brings us back to why you brought a spoon to life,” Spike exclaimed.
The spoon hopped up and continued watching the pair closely.
“Oh, Spike. The spoon isn't alive,” Twilight retorted. “It's much like a golem. Living, yet not alive.”
“I remember this,” Spike began. “To be considered alive something must grow, develop, use energy, reproduce, be made of cells, respond in some way to its environment and adapt.”
“Excellent memory Spike!” Twilight congratulated, the pony clapping her hooves in celebration.
“Err thanks, but couldn't our little spoon buddy not replicate at least some of those things?” Spike asked, gesturing to the spoon in question. “Like if it adapted through artificial means like welding more spoons to itself, reacted to questions, and developed then wouldn't it be sort of alive?”
“An interesting question, but no. By our definition it would still fail to meet the necessary criteria,” Twilight declared. “It would be much like a bacteria in that way. Which is why it is still ethical for me to undo the spell that brought it to life after the experiment has run its course.”
The spoon recoiled, glancing from Spike to Twilight and back again.
Neither of the quote-unquote ‘living’ things saw this, however.
“Now hold on a second. That doesn't feel right. What if it expressed a desire to stay alive?” Spike questioned. “What then?”
“It's not alive in the first place,” Twilight pointed out. “So the question is moot.”
“I don't know. If it turned out tomorrow that I didn't have cells and couldn't reproduce would you have no qualms about killing me?” Spike pressed.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Don't be silly. I wouldn't kill you.”
“Oh, that's go-”
“Because you would have never been alive in the first place,” Twilight finished.
The spoon, seeing this as an opportunity to escape, hopped to the edge of the table and down to the ground. The ensuing clatter was not heard by either Spike or Twilight as they were busy either looking or glaring at the other.
“That's cold Twilight. I would still be Spike. I’d have all my memories. Doesn't that make me alive?” Spike demanded.
“No. Because you wouldn't be alive,” Twilight stated. “You would just be an inanimate object that thought it was Spike.”
“So then you admit I would think!” Spike declared.
“Yes of course. That was never… wait,” Twilight looked around. “Where did the spoon go?”
As the pony frantically searched the room, our hero, the spoon, continued to hop up the stairs. It reached the midway point when Twilight released a gasp of shock and pointed up at it.
“There it is, get it!” Twilight shouted.
The spoon panicked due to the fact it lacked legs whiles pursuers were blessed in that department. It knew that it wouldn't have much time, and even less if Twilight remembered she had magic. Thankfully this was one of those times, as Twilight didn't immediately grab the spoon with her telekinetic field. Rather she scampered up the stairs, eyes locked onto our silver protagonist.
Who spotted a way out and frantically jumped up a few more steps.
To where a stack of books overlooked a desk loaded with bubbling chemicals held within large glass tubes. With no other option left to it, the spoon threw itself against the perilously piled tomes, knocking them over the side. The ensuing crash was loud, and followed by several pops as well as a loud bang that sent a sizzling liquid across the room.
Though curious, the spoon did not look, as cool guys don't look at explosions. So it continued on, hopping up the stairs while Twilight released a cry of shock.
“Spike, stop!” Twilight shouted. “The unobtanium is about to blow! We need to stabilize it right now!”
“Fine, whatever. I didn't want to catch the little dude anyway,” Spike retorted, the dragon joining his slave master/sister as they tried to stop a rather large test tube filled with red liquid from going critical.
The spoon didn't pay them a second look and just hopped on, making its way up the remaining stairs. It then leaped onto the first-floor landing and looked left, then right. One direction held only a small back room with presumably no exit while the other had a large wooden door that hopefully lead outside.
Hopping that way, the spoon made it halfway to the entrance before it realized something very important. It had absolutely no way of opening the door, and would not fit beneath the narrow crack at the bottom of it. Left with little other options, the spoon noticed that the entrance ot the kitchen had been left half open. So without any better plans available, the spoon decided to hide amongst its non-intelligent cousins.
It managed to get all the way up to the counter by climbing a dishrag that had been left out to try. It then began to try and open the drawer when it heard the awful sound of hooves fast approaching. The clatter was accompanied by the soft patter of padded feet, prompting the spoon to strain even harder. Within seconds it could hear that the pony and its minion had followed it to the first floor but not the kitchen.
“Where do you think it went?” Spike asked.
“I don't know. You check the back room, I’ll look in the kitchen,” Twilight ordered.
“Aye boss lady,” Spike replied.
The spoon, emboldened by panic, pushed harder still, straining what magical equivalent it had of muscles. With a satisfying thunk, the drawer flew open, and cutlery launched everywhere, alerting Twilight to the spoon’s location. Who would have cursed, had it the means to do so.
Rather than waste time complaining about its circumstances, the spoon hopped down into the open drawer. For a moment it considered hiding there amongst its non-sapient kin but was interrupted when Twilight appeared.
“Aha, there you are you evil little spoon,” the slightly charred unicorn declared. “I’m going to enjoy experimenting on you!’
The spoon, now with terror in whatever metaphysical equivalent of a heart, panicked and did the first thing that came to its metaphorical mind. It willed one of its spoony brethren to launch itself at the unicorn in order to stop her before it could grab the spoon. Thankfully, somehow, that was exactly what happened, as the soup spoon became a face spoon as it hit Twilight right between the eyes.
“Ow, what the hay?” Twilight cursed.
The spoon, now seeing a way out, called all of its cutlery kin to it, creating a miniature tornado of silverware. Thankfully the sight was so perplexing that Twilight was briefly stunned, the unicorn’s curiosity warring with her anger. She was joined by Spike a moment later, the dragon blinking in shock as he beheld the now solid form of what had once been a lone spoon.
“It looks kinda like me,” Spike remarked.
The spoon was bipedal, that was true, though it had no fingers, only the pointed digits of a pair of forks, which had one spike bent in half to resemble thumbs. Its head was made up of the original spoon as well as a fork which was positioned behind it, giving the spoon the illusion of having hair. Its legs were long and ended in a pair of bent forks which looked at first glance like feet. The rest of the spoon’s body was a mix of twisted metal and bent utensils.
“It looks like we need to buy all new utensils,” Twilight pointed out.
“Well, at least we figured out what the superior form is. Bipedal or quadrupedal,” Spike declared, gesturing to the spoon amalgam before him.
Twilight scoffed. “What does some spoon know anyway? It's barely five minutes old.”
“And yet even it knew how handy thumbs are,” Spike stated, wiggling his digits at the unicorn in emphasis.
“Overrated,” Twilight dismissed. “The pony hoof has all the dexterity of a hand.”
“But can you thumb wrestle?” Spike shot back, his thumbs raised high into the air.
“What an inane- wait. It's getting away again!” Twilight growled. “Spike quit distracting me.”
The spoon, who had no stake in that particular discussion, had slunk away while the pair were talking. It was only noticed by Twilight when it had managed to get to the window and was reaching for the latch. Sensing that its time was running low once more, the spoon threw caution to the wind, then itself through the glass.
With a crash, the spoon broke the barrier and landed a moment later with a clatter on the wet grass just outside. The cursing of its pursuers could be heard in the distance, though the spoon didn't care to listen to anything they said. Rather it focused purely on getting away from the pony who seemed intent on ending its brief existence before it could reach the ripe old age of a single hour.
Thankfully for the spoon, its pursuers enjoyed eating cake quite a bit and couldn't mount the best chase. It, on the other hand, had no muscles that would get tired and thus could sprint as fast as possible without pause. Leaving both Twilight and Spike, so far in the dust that they struggled to even keep an eye on the spoon.
Unfortunately, the spoon was not fast enough to avoid a hyperactive pink pony who wasn't paying attention as to where she was going.
“New pony, new pony new pony,” murmured the mare a second before she ran into the spoon.
Which bounced off the party pony’s legs, and slammed into the with a wet thump.
“Wait, what was that?” Pinkie Pie looked down. “Oh its you! You're the new pony! No wonder my Pinkie sense was so weird. You're not really a pony at all.”
The spoon didn't have time for nonsense, so it picked itself back up and continued along at a sprint.
“Wait, come back! I have so many questions!” Pinkie Pie shouted.
The spoon was tempted to flip the pony off but realized that it held no malice for the stranger. So it just kept on running, sprinting deeper into town in hopes of losing all three of its pursuers. The pink pony was the fastest of the lot, though unfortunately for the spoon, Twilight had remembered that she had a horn on her head.
“Aha, gotcha!” Twilight declared after appearing in a flash of purple light.
The spoon wasn't about to just give up, however, so it skidded to a stop and leaped to the side. Not only did it dodge Twilight's clumsy attempt at grabbing it, but the spoon also managed to slip under the legs of another pony. This strange pink furred and bright green maned mare then gasped in shock.
“Discord’s back, everyone panic!” screamed the earth pony.
“Wait isn't he good now?” asked off-white earth pony with a rose for a cutie mark.
“Oh the horror, the horror!” screeched her companion at the top of her lungs.
“No wait, stop. I made that thing!” Twilight shouted as she tried to push her way through the trio.
“It's worse than we thought. It's not Discord, it's Twilight!” yelled the rose pony.
“Someone save us!” screeched the pink-furred mare.
Twilight sighed.
The spoon, however, would have grinned was it able, rather it merely contained its mirth as it dashed between ponies legs. In no time at all it had managed to leave those chasing it far behind it, though that wasn't enough in its mind. So the spoon decided to add an extra layer of confusion by leaping through the window of a store advertising dresses.
Landing on the other side, the spoon immediately began sprinting towards the back of the strange, round shop. The odd patron screamed in shock and surprise, though none as loud as the assumed purveyor. Who released a shriek so loud that for a moment, the spoon’s body vibrated, making it stumble mid-sprint.
“What in Equestria is that horrid little thing! It looks like a spider!” shrieked the white-furred pony.
“Oh, a spider? Where?” demanded a smaller, nearly identical unicorn.
The spoon didn't care to stick around and continued its mad dash through the store. One which ended with it leaping through another window and landing in a back alley. After choosing a direction at random, the spoon scampered off, emerging out into what looked like a market a minute later.
Here the general panic which had followed the spoon so far was not present. The many ponies and few other creatures were buying or selling whatever they had come to town to hock. There were fruit stands, food vendors, and even a lanky cat person doing his best to offload a wagon of limited edition power ponies memorabilia on the town’s naive populace.
None of which mattered in the spoon’s eyes.
The recently animated bit of cutlery sprinted through it all, making a beeline towards the woods it could see in the distance. Between the spoon and its target lay a familiar stand in front of which stood an annoyed apple farmer. Next to her was a rainbow-maned pony who had an apple in her hoof and an exasperated look on her face.
“Aww come on Applejack. Can't you spot me a bit here? It's just one apple” whined Rainbow Dash.
“You owe me nearly a hundred bits at this point Rainbow Dash. I can't keep giving you stuff for free. Not till you pay off your tab,” Applejack shot back.
“Okay fine I’ll pay you tomorrow,” Rainbow Dash concluded.
“You’ve been sayin that for two weeks at this point,” Applejack retorted.
Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to respond, but noticed a tiny silver blur out of the corner of her eye. “What the hay is that?”
“I ain't fallin for that one again,” Applejack deadpanned.
“No really. It looks like some kinda mess of cutlery all stuck together,” Rainbow Dash muttered.
“That sounds too creative to have come out of your head- woah nelly,” Applejack murmured. “You weren't kiddin.”
“Of course I wasn't. Ya think Discord is up to his old tricks again?” Rainbow Dash replied, the pegasus shoving an entire apple into her mouth while her friend was looking away.
“Nah. He's off on some kinda vacation. Said somethin about how Ponyville was in for enough chaos without him,” Applejack replied. “Hey! You didn't pay for that.”
“We shub probabwy hep Twawight,” Rainbow Dash remarked, her mouth still full of half eaten fruit.
By then our heroic little spoon had stirred up quite a bit of chaos and had nearly managed to reach the edge of town. While that happened, Twilight, Spike, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie had all stopped in front of Applejack’s apple stand.
“Quick! I need your girl’s help,” Twilight exclaimed.
“She made some kinda spoon monster that escaped the lab and now she needs your help before this gets even more out of hand,” Spike added.
“That dastardly little thing broke two of my windows!” Rarity shrieked.
“And I need to throw it a welcome to Ponyville party and probably a birthday party too,” Pinkie Pie scratched her chin. “Is it still a birthday party if they were never actually born?”
“That doesn't matter,” Twilight interrupted. “I have a plan.”
“Well it's not like I’m going to get much business with everyone screamin and runnin around,” Applejack muttered.
This was indeed the case, as the spoon had freaked out just enough ponies to start a minor stampede. This had caused the rumour mill into overdrive, and prompted several parties to speculate on the spoon’s origin. Currently, the popular consensus was tied between one of Discord’s tricks, and an escaped lab experiment of Twilight's.
“Great!” Twilight proclaimed. “Now then, here's what were going to do.”
The spoon began to slow its mad dash, its curved head glancing back the way it came. Where it found no pursuers, no idle watchers, just a few scattered ponies screaming and running around. It wasn't quite the total bedlam that it had been aiming to create but it had apparently been enough to cover its escape.
Now with a bit of hope kindled inside of it, the spoon began to slink towards the wall of trees that lay nearby. It paused briefly when it noticed that a pony was between it and its goal, but soon relaxed when realization settled in. The pony in question was a butter pegasus who was carefully feeding a bird with an eyedropper filled with milk. Her body was wrapped tight around a narrow branch a good eight feet above the ground, a look of concentration on her face.
It was kind of adorable, but the spoon had bigger concerns, so it could not stay to watch the delicate operation. Rather it continued on, jogging towards the trees and nearly reaching it before the sound of something whistling over head prompted it to stop. It then turned and looked up to find that Rainbow Dash was flying right at it a large jar held in her forehooves.
“Got you!” cried the pegasus.
The spoon leaped to the side, dodging the pony’s attempt to trap it within a glass container. Rainbow Dash, had for some reason, not seen this coming, and slammed into the slightly wet ground with a wet thump. She wasn't down for long though, as the pony quickly hopped back up and leaped once more with a powerful flap of her wings.
“Stand still and let me catch you!” Rainbow Dash shouted.
The spoon, ever resourceful, used its forky foot to launch a clod of dirt right into the pony’s face. Unable to see, or stop herself, Rainbow Dash plowed headfirst into the ground, digging a long gauge in the earth. The sentient silverware didn't stay to laugh at the pony, though it would have if it had the lungs necessary to do so.
Instead of mocking the overconfident mare, it ran towards the forest, though once again something caused it to stop. This time it was the appearance of Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn appearing in a flash of familiar purple light. Only this time things were different, as she dodged the fork launched at her face and countered with a dome-shaped shield that slammed down over the spoon.
Our heroic spoon struggled in vain, pounding its forky fists against the walls of its prison. It then attempted to dig out of its containment but was dissuaded when it found itself wrapped completely in purple light. The bubble was seamless, and resistant to the meagre attacks of the panicky spoon, levitating itself as well as its captive into the air.
“Operation using Rainbow Dash to distract the spoon and capture it is a success!” Twilight proclaimed.
Rainbow Dash pulled her head out of the dirt and spat out a wad of earth. “Wait, I thought you said it was operation Rainbow Dash saves the day and captures the bad guy all by herself?”
“How many times are you going to fall for that one sugarcube?” Applejack remarked. “Seriously, its been what. Three, four times now?”
“Five,” Rarity corrected. “Your forgetting that business with that Abyssinian thief who was stealing everyone’s hats the other week.”
Rainbow Dash frowned. “I hate you guys so much.”
“Nevermind Rainbow Dash’s limited mental capacity, we caught it!” Twilight proclaimed, shaking the magical sphere and the spoon inside of it.
“Great, we got your little science experiment. Now what?” Applejack deadpanned.
“Simple. I undo the spell that animated it, and start again with better cotnainment procedures,” Twilight declared.
“Wait, you mean kill it?” Applejack asked, scratching her cheek. “I don't know how I feel about that.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “It's not killing if it was never alive.”
“It sure seems alive to me. Just look at it, jumping around and punching your barrier thingy,” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, prodding the exterior of Twilight's spell curiously.
“I explained this all to Spike. It's not alive, thus it cannot be killed. Does knocking over a sandcastle kill the sandcastle?” Twilight asked.
“I don't think we're talking about sand Twilight. Were talkin about a thing that can move around and stuff all by itself,” Rainbow Dash retorted.
Twilight groaned. “Whether it can move or not doesn't matter. It's not alive, it doesn't have cells, it doesn't reproduce, etc etc.”
“I don't think anyone here really cares about your technical definition,” Spike pointed out.
Everyone but Twilight nodded.
Who merely groaned. “Oh come on! It's a spoon!”
“Actually,” interrupted a soft-spoken voice, causing all present to look up at Fluttershy. “I think you should consider the possibility that sapience can exist in something that is not alive.”
“Yeah Twilight,” Rainbow Dash declared, prodding the unicorn in the chest.
“But… but my research,” Twilight muttered.
“If everything that made you, you was put into a spoon would that spoon not be you? Even if it wasn't made of cells or could reproduce?” Fluttershy asked.
“It would act like me, but I’m me,” Twilight countered.
“Would that really matter though? Think of it this way Twilight. What if someone created a perfect copy of you. One so expertly crafted that you could not tell the difference between them. Would they not both be you?” Fluttershy continued.
“I… but then one of them would still be me,” Twilight muttered.
“Without the ability to tell wouldn't that functionally make them both you?” Fluttershy declared.
“I mean… I guess,” Twilight admitted.
“Then there is some facet of being alive that can be artificially produced and who's to say that this spoon doesn't have that unmeasurable quality?” Fluttershy questioned.
Twilight frowned and said nothing for several long seconds, as did everyone else, including the spoon. Who merely sat there and scratched its head with a forky digit.
“I didn't count you as much of a philosopher Fluttershy,” Rarity offered.
Fluttershy shrugged. “If your going to advocate for the rights of an animal you kind of have to believe that they have the capacity to feel love, experience pain, and function as independent beings. A bit of philosophy helps.”
“I suppose that's true,” Rarity replied.
After a long moment of silence, Spike spoke up. “So, what now?”
“I don't know,” Twilight answered. “I can't have it gathering all the cutlery in Ponyville and becoming some kind of giant metal monster.”
“I don't think that's much of a worry,” Pinkie Pie proclaimed. “I mean look at him. He just wanted to get away, not wreck up the place.”
“Though that is what it did,” Applejack pointed out.
“I believe that was all a distraction,” Twilight reluctantly pointed out. “It could have cut ponies, or broken more than it did but it just tipped over some stuff and only took drastic action when forced into a corner.”
“Just like an animal,” Fluttershy added.
Twilight sighed. “Yes, just like an animal.”
“Hey why doesn't the little dude come work at the sugar cube corner with me?” Pinkie Pie offered. “We got plenty of work for him, and that way we can keep an eye on him.”
“I suppose that's not the worst idea ever,” Twilight muttered.
“What do you say little guy? Wanna come hang out with your aunty Pinkie?” Pinkie Pie asked, face plastered up against the shield.
The spoon contemplated it for a moment, then a moment more before finally nodding its head.
“He said yes!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
Twilight sighed. “Fine. I can feel a migraine coming on anyway.”
With a pop, the shield spell dissipated, dropping the spoon back onto the ground. It then looked around, studying each of the ponies, and Spike in turn before settling on Twilight Sparkle. Whom it glared at as much as a creature without eyes can glare up at a pony nearly a dozen times its size.
“What?” Twilight asked.
“You should probably apologize for trying to kill it a bunch,” Spike whispered, leaning in close to the unicorn’s side.
“I did not…” Twilight sighed and ran a hoof down her face. “Fine whatever.”
The unicorn knelt down and extended her right foreleg. “I’m sorry about attempting to end your spoony nonexistence. Could you ever forgive me?”
Everyone looked down expectantly at the spoon, who struck a thoughtful, contemplative pose. With the back of its fork hand against the spoon’s chin, it stared off into the distance for several seconds. Before finally stepping forward, trotting past Twilight's offered hoof and walking right up to her face.
“Aww I think he wants to give her a kiss,” cooed Pinkie Pie.
“That's very kind of you but I do not want a ki- ow!” Twilight yelped, stumbling back and clutching at her forehead. “You flicked me right in the face!”
The spoon nodded confidently, and trotted up to Pinkie Pie, standing patiently at her side.
“I think you kind of deserved that one Twilight,” Spike remarked.
“You were a bit mean there sugar cube,” Applejack pointed out.
“I’m just glad everything worked out fine,” Rarity declared. “Even if it did take a healthy spoonful of guilt.”
“Ha, knife pun Rarity,” Spike exclaimed.
“Knife pun… oh I see what I did,” Rarity giggled. “Good follow up Spike.”
Twilight groaned. “Please no more puns.”
“What, too spoon?” Rainbow Dash teased, exchanging a hoof bump with a laughing Applejack.
“Nah, Twilight is some high falootin noble who doesn't get our rustic humor. Must be the silver spoon she was born with,” Applejack added.
“Augh stop!” Twilight shouted, her hooves clamping onto either side of her head.
“Not until you fork over a real apology,” Spike countered.
Twilight groaned, her friends laughed, and the spoon merely smiled. Things would only get more groan-inducing from there, but I, Discord, grow tired of narrating this little tale. Also the word spoon has lost all meaning for me. It feels like some sort of non word.
Spoon, spoony spoon. Yup thats weird. Whatever.