It was never a question about love, not between them, but it will be a matter of forgiveness.
Five years ago, Starlight left, leaving her old life and a brokenhearted Sunburst behind.
But after an unfortunate accident, she is back and placed into Sunburst's care in the Crystal Empire, who despite everything is ready to do whatever it takes to save her...or at least he thinks he is.
Because it was never a question about if they loved each other, not between the two of them, but it will be a matter of forgiveness—the hardest thing to ask of somepony.
The hardest thing that Sunburst will ever have to do.
A StarBurst romantic drama, with Sleeping Beauty themes thrown in for good measure. Rated Teen for mentions of sex, a make-out scene or two, ponies doing stupid things rather than talking about their feelings, and other things I can't think of at the moment.
I stopped hearing from her directly about two years ago—if impersonal postcards from somewhere out in Griffonstone or beyond the Dragon Lands could be considered news. It was never the same place twice. I couldn’t tell you why she stopped sending me letters, perhaps she simply didn’t feel obligated to do so, didn’t feel fettered to me anymore, or maybe it was the universe giving me a taste of my own medicine. I think I cried when I realized the letters weren’t coming anymore.
I’ve kept up with her through second-hoof information. Sometimes Twilight would let something slip. Most of the time Cadance would tell me a tidbit while I was over with her, Shining Armor, and the baby, or what used to be a baby. At five years old, Flurry Heart considered herself a full-grown mare, and she got into more trouble than a filly her age should. I don’t envy Shining and Cadance one bit in that regard.
But I’m getting off-topic…because I’m avoiding the reality that has crashed landed on the life I had so painstakingly created for myself.
This time it wasn’t letting something slip, it was Twilight coming to me, telling me Starlight had been hurt by some kind of jail-break nonsense that happened when she was trying to use her magic on some Diamond Dog for information. She was in some sort of magical coma, they were working on it, but bringing her here seemed like the best course of action. Bringing her to me seemed like the best idea.
Again, I hadn’t seen Starlight in five years.
Five years ago, after Twilight took the throne, after the celebration, after a few more moons of working in the school, we’d started getting into the habit of sleeping in the same bed. The excuses were always the same, too tired, too cold, there’s so much work to do, too much paperwork to move into the living room or someplace more neutral like the library. No matter the excuse, it was just sleeping though, sometimes intertwined, but always innocent, bodies pressed together in comfort rather than desire. She never pushed me, rather, it was me that pushed us over the edge one night, with the moonlight reflected in her half-lidded eyes, smiling that smile I swore that was just for me, one she reserved only for moments like these—which spread on her face and wrinkled her nose in the most adorable of ways—that urged me to take action.
So I pulled her to me like I usually did before we went to sleep, and leaned my muzzle into hers, capturing her lips with the intensity built from what felt like a thousand years of loving her. She let me kiss her like that. She let me roll on top of her. She let me touch her. I wasn’t slow, I wasn’t patient, I was greedy and took everything I wanted from her. It wasn’t like us at all—with Starlight so quiet and me so selfish—but something deep and dark took a hold of me and I did nothing to stop it. Looking back, I knew I didn’t give back enough, but Starlight being Starlight didn’t reproach me. However, I was ready to learn, I wanted to know how to give back, how to please her, and show her how much I cherished her. But I made a mistake. Words had never been my strong suit, despite all the reading and writing I do, I couldn’t utter those three little words when she needed to hear them the most. In a day she was gone.
A pair of royal guards brought Starlight to the Empire and in my infinite cowardice, I let them install her in my house without me, claiming business at the school that anypony could tell you I didn’t really have. Yes, I’m still working as a teacher, though I also double as the Head-Stallion of this small branch of the Friendship School here in the Crystal Empire, it was a lot of responsibility, but it was nothing I couldn’t postpone to see the mare I’d loved for almost half my life. I sat in my little office, staring blankly at my desk, trying to tell myself that I didn't love her anymore and that when I eventually saw her those feelings would be cemented in my heart. I tried to picture that scenario for hours, willing it to become reality, with little success.
This Friendship School I run was small in comparison to the one in Ponyville, with barely one hundred students to fill its halls, but they made quite the commotion when Twilight finally found me and practically dragged me back to my house. Well, she didn’t drag me so much as she gave me a look that promised dire consequences if I didn’t follow her orders. It was hard to be defiant when an alicorn glared down at you.
On our way, the Princess gave me the rundown of what happened and her theory as to why Starlight was affected. The Diamond Dog that attacked her used some kind of cursed artifact, which exploded in his paw and sent them both slamming against the walls and into a deep slumber, but the Diamond Dog woke up on his own after a few days while Starlight did not. Twilight’s theory was that the curse had latched onto her former pupil’s magic, creating a magic loop that feed on Starlight’s powerful magic which serve to make it stronger, turning the ordinary stun spell into a curse. Obviously, there weren’t many models for this, and at this point, it just looked like Starlight was in permanent slumber. A real-life sleeping beauty.
A nurse would come as necessary for any mare-related issues, but other than that I was expected to take care of her and try to break the curse somehow. I might not be powerful, but magic is what I know best, so if anypony was going to figure this out it was me. I couldn’t tell her, but I was sure that as soon as Starlight woke up, or if I tried to reach her somehow, she would blast me without hesitation. Twilight would realize soon enough, I bet, but at least I’d get to see her and finally convince myself I didn’t love her. Or at least I will as soon as I stopped chickening out.
I really hope Twilight didn’t notice the way I was holding my breath as we entered my house, as I heard sounds coming from a space that I rarely used. Each step felt like my legs were wading upstream a river of concrete, but I couldn’t let Twilight past me, so I urged myself forward, pausing only at the threshold before the door, taking a deep breath to keep myself from blacking out before I turned the corner.
The first thing I noticed was her hair. I had expected it cascading across the pillow, but instead, it was cut short, close to her ears, dramatically parted to the side as it swept across her forehead. She was absolutely beautiful, even with the rings around her eyes, the loss of shine on her coat. I had to lean against the doorway, my heart threatening to give up, to break or burst with both love and grief. “Starlight…” I didn’t notice I had reached out to her until my legs hit the edge of the bed. At least I didn’t throw myself over her and weep, though the urge was still there as I stared down at her and the soft, slow breaths she took, the only indication that she was alive.
Twilight ignored my stricken behavior and walked into the room, restarting the conversation about Starlight’s rehabilitation. Her limbs needed to be exercised. Her body needed to be moved and repositioned to avoid bedsores. Luckily, they hadn’t resorted to a feeding tube just yet, since she seemed to still swallow on her own, but it was a slow process. One of the guards showed me the gruel they had been using to feed her and honestly, I was surprised she’d swallowed it at all, but I guess nutrient-packed didn’t equal delicious in most cases.
I’d have to be ready for ponies coming and going constantly, from doctors to nurses to anypony with a solid theory or ideas to heal her. Maybe I’d even have to prepare myself for the possibility of Starlight never waking up at all. No pony said it, but it was a thought present in everypony's mind, and from the look on Twilight’s face, it was a notion she'd entertained more than she wanted to.
The guards packed their things and left, Twilight told me that the nurse would come around dinner time and dawdled, hooves pacing slightly against the floor, looking down at Starlight, but more so, me. “She didn’t tell me why she wanted to quit the school.”
Oh, horseapples, here it is. I always dreaded this question or any incarnation of what happened between you and Starlight? “No offense, Twilight, but I’m not going to tell you either.”
She smiled wanly and shrugged, “That wasn’t a probing question, Sunburst, more an absolution of my own guilt. I'd always assumed you hadn’t known either."
I felt gutted, raw from the day, and knew that it was going to get worse from here. “I know.”
“Then is this going to be a problem?” She asked, appraising my face.
I raised an eyebrow, “Wasn’t that a question to ask before you brought her here?” I only paused for a second before jumping back in, waving my hoof at her. “It’s fine, Twilight. She’s here, I’ll take care of her, I still…care, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Again, the assessing, probing stare. “You’ll tell me if it becomes a problem?”
“Yes.” The lie of all lies right there. I think I’d rather let this kill me than admit that it was killing me.
Her sigh told me she didn’t believe a word I said, I didn’t expect any less from the Princess of Friendship. “I’ll be back sometime this week. Call me if there are any changes.”
I gave her a thin smile and watched her walk out of the room, listening to her receding steps and the clack of the front door.
We were alone for the first time in five years, and I was beyond terrified to look at her again. “Why do I still care?” I asked the floor, ears folded against my head as I tried to not hyperventilate. Keeping my eyes to the floor I started a lopsided circle in the room, pacing around the bed as if that was going to clear my head. It only aided in building up the anxiety, amping it until my heart felt like it was going to burst up through my throat.
That’s when I felt it, that little lapping pull of her magic, like a whisper from across the room. My eyes shot to her, her form still and statuesque. “Hi, Starlight.”
I stupidly waited for an answer.
Nothing, not even another whisper from somewhere in my mind, but I still managed to stumble towards her bed, taking a seat next to her. “I like your hair.” Oh, by Luna’s tit, pull yourself together! But no, I had to make this as awkward as possible. “It looks like too much work, though, so I can’t guarantee it’ll stay that way. Maybe the nurse will be better at it.”
Should I touch her? Was I allowed? I looked at her hoof and put a tentative nail over it, feeling the warmth she radiated. “I…” if she hated it, I assumed she’d find a way to let me know so I clutched her hoof between mine. “It’s good to have you back.” I waited again, tightening my grip on her. “Dang it, I’m pathetic. You’re not here and I’m just talking to a corpse for all I know.”
My ear flickered when I felt a ping of pain, like a bug bite.
I ran a hoof over the ache, a small, trembling laugh escaping my lips. “Alright, I don’t know what you disagree with, but message received.” I drifted my hoof over her wrist, still somehow hopefully staring at her face for a change. But this wasn’t a fairy tale, nothing changed, no magic happened and dread started to close in on me again, strangling any of the normalcy I had created. “I missed you,” I choke out, “I feel like I both do and don’t deserve to say that but that doesn’t make it any less true. I missed you so much.” Crying came easily then.
That night I started my investigation into the curse, turning my library upside down for any and all materials on the subject and building a fort of books around me. Sleep spells were usually harmless, but the fact that it had gone on this long uncheck meant it had become corrupted, unsurprising since the caster had no idea of what he did or how he did it. Those that tampered with magic with no knowledge whatsoever are the most dangerous, to themselves and others. I was just glad he didn’t kill her on the spot due to his negligence.
Despite the urgency of the situation, it was hard to concentrate, and I was finding excuses to get up and check on Starlight. There was never any change—as if I was expecting any—but I continued anyway. I guess I needed the reassurance that she was still breathing, still with me somehow.
Finally, around 3 AM, I gave up and went to bed. I pulled the sheets around me like a colt preparing for a nightmare, laying there and wondering how was I supposed to feel. You couldn’t be angry at a pony in a coma, could you? You couldn’t argue, you couldn’t reason, you couldn’t rehash the past. Instead, you had to swallow all of it down and either let it go or let it eat you alive. I was starting to feel like a gnawed bone.
I couldn’t tell you when or how I fell asleep, but it was one of those dreams that you swear you could feel. The grass tickled my hooves and the dandelions scattered in the wind with each step I took, dissipating into the dark as if I was in some open field. Maybe I was, but all I could see was the few feet of grass and flowers in front of me as I walked.
For a second, I was relieved. I’d assumed tonight would be plagued by one of my many common Starlight dreams or a distorted version of my current reality. A stroll through a garden didn’t seem too bad in comparison. But it didn’t feel right, even as the way became clearer and I was starting to see more around me, no matter how much I walked I felt like I was stuck in place. I half suspected that if I kept walking like this I would fall down a cliff.
Or maybe it wasn’t that kind of nightmare since the next thing was a wind pulling at my cape, followed by a bright light over my hoof when I reached up to keep my cloak in place. I thought about screaming but it stuck in my throat, the only sound was the wind in my ears as the bright light pulled me forward. I had to run to keep up with her insistence, and then my hooves left the ground entirely, but I wasn’t scared. I narrowed my eyes at the light and I realized why. The light was vaguely pony-shaped, the hoof intertwined with mine being the most solid and clear. The purple color on her nail was the shade of purple she dragged me through six different stores to find, and the little scar on the side was from a dishwashing accident, a rogue knife in the sink she forgot was there.
“Starlight?”
The light twinkled merrily. But it was sluggish, the process not really creating anything meaningful, just a disjointed but beautiful light show. The wind settled into a breeze and I fell, landing ungracefully on the grass. Even as her light dimmed, her hoof still clutched mine as if to squeeze the life out of my limb. It should have hurt, but it somehow felt anxious. As she let me go I turned my head upward, trying to catch a glimpse of her, but instead found myself staring at the ceiling, my legs tangled in the sheets.
I was out of bed and across the hall before I could breathe again, flipping the light on in her room.
She was still there, motionless, like a princess inside a glass coffin.
Nurse Healing Touch hadn’t bothered closing the door to Starlight’s room, but I wished she had, the sound of the water basin and her swift strokes against Starlight’s skin almost drove me mad. I stared at the formulas and spells written in the book in front of me, even though I knew them by heart, the letters were nothing but gibberish to me. I shouldn’t be here. Next time I should just get out, go to the library or something, use it as free time, but the thought made me queasy as well. Leaving Starlight behind didn’t feel like an option anymore.
“You should take a nap,” Healing Touch called from the room, not pausing in her job.
“Huh?” I had heard her just fine but I was grateful for the conversation.
There was a pause and I could hear her toss a cloth, “You look like crap. Did you sleep at all?”
“Two hours, maybe?”
“Take a rest, Sunburst.”
Resting didn’t seem possible, but I wondered if Healing Touch would come after me if I didn’t listen to her. She’s been a nurse for longer than I been alive, and her matronly, no-nonsense attitude even made the guards stand to attention whenever she was near, and once she started hounding you about something—
“I don’t hear you moving. Go to bed.”
And there it was. I closed the book and left it on my desk before slinking across the hall. There wasn’t a point in closing the door behind me since I wasn’t actually going to sleep, so I collapsed on the bed with enough sound to tell Healing Touch I’d followed orders. Five minutes later I was drooling into the pillow. Again, the meadow, my pointless walking. A light flickered ahead. I tried my best to resist it, but I started walking faster, and the light took the shape of a ghostly mare as I reached out. But it was Healing Touch looking down on me and my eyes were focusing on the late afternoon sunlight.
“I’m all done here.”
“How long was I asleep?” I sat up, moving away from her reach.
Her green eyes narrowed at me. “An hour. Are you sure you’re ok?”
“I’m fine,” I groaned as I stood up.
She sighed and I started to wonder if no one believed anything I said anymore. “I did the hard part, but you’ll have to exercise her limbs. Don’t forget.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
As she rolled her eyes, a strand of grey hair escaped her bun and fell over her forehead, which she brushed away with a dark grey wing. “And sleep more than a few hours tonight. You don’t need to stay up with her if that’s what you’re doing.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I repeated for another eye roll and a huff from the serious nurse.
She didn’t offer me anything more and I could hear her hoofsteps receding into the hallway. I felt groggy and considered toppling back into bed but knew that was just avoidance. I forced myself to walk and moved across the hall, hearing the front door shut behind Healing Touch. We were alone again.
Healing Touch had fixed her hair and thankfully styled it better than I ever could have hoped to achieve. The room smelled like soap, distinctly not the kind Starlight used and at that thought, a wave of nostalgia choked me. In bed, when I knew she was asleep I would pull her tighter and sink my face into her hair, taking in the earthy but slightly floral scent. I think it had been lilies. That felt like so long ago.
“Darn it,” I croaked, clearing a rogue tear that had forced its way out.
Healing Touch explained that all I had to do was to massage and move her joints gently like I was stretching her muscles before exercise. Easy for friends. Hard when you’d just been thinking about how much you missed her in your bed.
It was my job, though, so I reached for her right foreleg, starting a smooth rotation at her shoulder. There was no resistance but no help from her either, like a doll. I tried to make that view stay put in my head, it was better to think I was working on a thing rather than—Don’t even go there, Sunburst. Don’t even put it into words or else. I cleared my throat. “I think Cadance might drop by tonight.”
I paused, again forgetting that this was not a conversation.
“She’s going to bring Flurry. You remember her, right? She’s all grown now. I’m not sure how much Twilight told you, but she’s the sweetest thing and adores her dad, she wants to be part of the royal guard when she grows up and has no interest in princess things.” I place her foreleg down carefully before moving to her right leg. “But she’s only five, so she’s got a lot to learn, she’ll come around to her duties with enough time. I, huh…well, after you left, I kind of stayed with Shining and Cadance for a while.”
My hoof landed on her thigh and paused, reminding myself that this was a doll with a deep breath. “Shining insisted, I think he was worried and, honestly, he was right. I wasn’t…I don’t know how to describe it.” This was starting to border on catharsis and the words just rolled out of my tongue. “I helped Cadance with the baby. Did stuff around the castle. Shining tried to get me to join the guard once or twice, I declined obviously, but being there kept me…from doing something I’d regret.” That was a loaded statement, and even I wasn’t sure what I meant by it, since there had been too many options then.
The words sat stagnant in the air, as if she could offer some kind of insight. I cleared my throat. “You’d never guess it, but being around the baby was ok. Maybe I even liked it.” I wasn’t expecting to laugh but a chuckle escaped my mouth, the smile taking a little while to disappear. “I actually miss being there, maybe I got used to the good life,” I chuckled again, “but it didn’t make sense for me to stay once Flurry started going to preschool. Cadance tried to find some excuse but I wouldn’t let her, I…started feeling like I was trespassing—living a life that wasn’t mine.”
I finished the exercise on her right leg, then moved around to start on her left one. “That’s the thing, Starlight, I don’t think I have a life, you know? I’m Head-Stallion of the Friendship School here, and I think I’m ok at it. My record with kids is not bad but I’m not good at being in charge like you are, though I learned how as I went, so it worked out. I still see my, our friends. I still read and write and research magic, maybe more than I used to with all the time on my hooves, but that’s it. I don’t love anything anymore.”
The whisper of her felt like it was somewhere in the room but I was too distracted thinking about my own words.
I don’t love anything anymore.
I flexed her ankle absently, fighting with myself in the silence of the room. Again, what was the point of going through the past with a shell? “Maybe when you left—oh, screw it.” I gently brought her leg down and sat at the foot of the bed, my head falling to my hooves. “Screw all of this.”
That part was still locked up too tightly.
“Sunburst!” Flurry’s demanding little call was the closest thing I was getting to a salve for the wounds of the day. There’s something about the quality of her voice that always makes me smile.
“In here,” I groaned from the couch. I had decided locking the front door was pointless with all the ins and outs. Thankfully, Cadance hadn’t even bothered to knock.
Flurry appeared over the arm of the couch, her chin resting on the edge. “It’s rude.”
“What is?” I propped myself up on an elbow.
“You greet guests, Sunburst.” The adult-level exasperation in her voice made me laugh.
Cadance emerged from the hallway, stopping short by the doorway as if she saw a ghost.
I raised an eyebrow at her expression before pushing myself to sit. “Hey, Cadance.”
“Have you been eating? Sleeping, like at all?” That was Cadance in mom-mode for you. She was at my side instantly, fever checking me like I wasn’t almost twenty-seven.
“If you think this is bad, wait until you see Starlight.” My voice was playful, but as soon as the words left my mouth, I knew it wasn’t a joke.
Cadance bit her lip like she was on the verge of tears, adding another tinge of regret to my comment. “C’mon, Flurry, let’s play a game.” I moved away from her hooves, scooping up Flurry on my way to the dining table. “Mom is going to see Starlight.”
“Who’s Starlight?” Kids will ask anything that’s on their minds, even questions you don’t really want to answer. I hoisted her a little higher, hoping the swoop to the dining chair would distract her. Another thing about kids is that they hated to be ignored. “Sunburst, who’s Starlight?”
Adding my name made it clear I wasn’t getting away with it. “A friend who’s sick.”
“Like puke sick?” Her tiny face went fearful. That was her least favorite kind of sick.
“No, like, huh…” I was ninety percent sure that if I said coma she’d understand, intelligence runs very strongly in Flurry’s family, but she was still a kid. “Remember Sleeping Beauty, from the stories? Like that kind of sick.”
“A coma,” she said with the impatience she always did when I gave her a kid-answer.
I put a box filled with toys on the table with a sigh. I should have known better. “Yeah, like that.”
Flurry opened the box, pulling a couple of blocks to play with. “Mommy’s sad.”
I didn’t bother to look for Cadance for confirmation. Flurry was the strongest empath I’ve ever known, already surpassing her mother in terms of talent, and it enabled her to just know things. It wasn’t all the time, and it wasn’t perfect, but she was usually in the right ballpark. I didn’t doubt her at that moment, that’s for sure. “It’s natural to be sad when your friends are hurt, Flurry.”
“Is that why you’re sad, too?” She looked up at me expectantly.
Way to aim for the heart, kid. “One of the top three, sure.” Just falling short of—
“Ok.” I was relieved that my explanation was good enough for Flurry to just move on to the regular games we play with the blocks. I tried to throw in a magic lesson now and then, this time being no different, but Flurry was too young and impatient for my teaching style just yet. We made some pretty impressive structures together until Cadance walked in behind us.
“Come on, honey.” Cadance held out her hoof for Flurry to take, pulling her daughter towards the bedroom. For a second, I couldn’t move, unsure as to why Cadance would take her foal to see that.
Stop it, it’s not like she’s a corpse. She’s still Starlight. She’s still alive no matter how much you tell yourself—I grind my teeth. I counted to ten and waited until I was sure I wasn’t going to cry before I stood and followed Flurry’s voice to Starlight’s room.
Flurry, in her infinite childlike ability to be amazing, was sitting on the bed and talking to Starlight like she was her new friend. Unbothered by Starlight’s dull coat, unconcerned by her thinness that was starting to make her a little too angled, uncaring that Starlight couldn’t talk back. She continued to rattle off her stats for her, her little hoof over Starlight’s unmoving one. “And I love ice cream, too, even though mommy says too much will make me sick. Not like you sick, but like puke sick and I hate puke sick but sometimes I think mommy’s lying because ice cream is just so good.”
She moved from sitting to leaning over Starlight, her little hoof pressed to Starlight’s cheek, turning it. Cadance reached for her, but she shook her head. “No, mommy, wait.”
“Flurry, be careful. I told you Starlight’s sick.”
Instead of backing off, Flurry moved closer, putting her other hoof on Starlight’s other cheek. “She’s talking, so wait.”
Me and Cadance exchanged glances. Cadance looked surprised but I felt like I was about to faint. Flurry’s words hit me like a kick to the stomach.
Flurry clicked her tongue in frustration, sitting back on her haunches as she crossed her hooves over her chest. “She can’t do it for very long.”
“Do what?” I croaked, the only thought on my mind being she can’t live for very long.
“The way she tries to talk. It’s too hard. It hurts.” Flurry sighed, looking back at me with the same disappointed look on her face as when I didn’t greet her at the door. “And the other way, she says you’re not doing it right, Sunburst.”
“Flurry, stop it.” Cadance picked her up off the bed. Her eyes were more focused on me though, the same look she gave her husband when she was appraising how wounded he was from training.
I rushed over to her, picking Flurry up out of her mother’s hold. “What other way?”
“The meadow.”
My legs felt like rubber and for a moment I was afraid I would drop her. “The meadow…?” I let her slip out of my hooves so my knees could buckle, sending me into a hard seat on the bed.
“Sunburst,” Cadance tried to keep her voice from raising or sounding frantic. She was gripping my shoulders but I was too woozy by dreams bleeding into reality to focus on her face.
“Cadance, what should I do? How am I supposed to do it right?” I was halfway to tears again.
“Lie down, Sunburst.” She eased me back to the foot of the bed, my head right next to Starlight’s covered hip. “I’m going to get a doctor.”
“N-No, Cadance, don’t…” I sighed, letting a hoof come to my face. “Just some water, please.”
She hesitated before lifting Flurry and putting her next to me on the bed. “Flurry, if Sunburst doesn’t keep his eyes open, scream.”
“Ok.” She pressed a hoof to my chest as if to show another measure with which she would watch me. Cadance left the room with a determined swiftness. “Did I scare you?”
“A little bit,” I laughed weakly.
“I’m sorry.” Her nose wrinkled in that pre-cry way of hers, so I reached out and patted her blue and pink curls.
“Hey, it’s not your fault. You were just trying to help Starlight, right?” I pulled her towards me, hugging her to my chest and she clutched tightly back.
She sniffled once, but that was it, and she forced herself out of my hold. “You are going to help her, right?”
Cadance came back, a glass of water floating in her magic on her left while furiously scribbling a letter to her right. I gave her a withering look, “I don’t need a doctor, I’m fine.”
“I was going to send this in case you still looked like you were going to pass out.” She placed the letter and the water down on the nightstand before sitting next to my head, the bed now completely crowded.
I almost laughed at the thought that a week ago, no pony even came to my house, and now I was lounging in a bed with three mares. “I feel better now.”
“Sunburst, you have to help her.” Flurry’s patience usually only lasted two adult sentences.
“Oh, Flurry, don’t be rude.” She ran a hoof through my hair in the same way I’d watched her do to Flurry a million times. I should’ve felt embarrassed, but Cadance had done a lot of nice things for me in the past, and at the moment this was the nicest thing she’s ever done. “You’re going to push yourself too hard for her, Sunburst, I just know it.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. “I can’t help myself. Guess I’m a masochist.”
“Both of you are idiots,” she muttered, pulling her hoof from my hair. “And you, my little Flurry Heart,” Cadance pulled Flurry into her lap, almost sending a rogue hoof into my muzzle. “I know it’s some talent we’ll figure out when you’re older, but in the meantime, you have to be careful of what you say so you don’t make ponies uncomfortable.”
Flurry pouted and hid her face against her chest, her white wings coming over to cover her head. I waited for some kind of argument from Flurry but when she was silent, I poked at Cadance’s foreleg, drawing her attention back to me. “She was right, Cadance,” I explained the dream to her, and the alicorn frowned in confusion.
“My daughter’s right about you not frolicking with Starlight in your dreams the right way?” She sighed, pointing at the nightstand. “That sounds like I should be calling the doctors right now, maybe even my sister-in-law and my husband.”
“I’ve dreamt twice about her since she got here, it has to mean something.”
“Sunburst,” her voice raised in frustration. She pressed a hoof to her face for a moment before taking a deep breath. “Let me guess, you want me to keep quiet about this.”
“See, Flurry has a lot to learn from you.” I patted her knee. “Just hold on to it for a couple of days, please? I need to observe this, make sure this is not a fluke, I got a feeling these dreams are the key to helping Starlight.”
“All I’m hearing is Cadance, let me put myself in danger.”
“You worry too much.”
Danger, if there was any, was a small price to pay. If it could be me, if I could break this curse somehow, maybe I could break myself free in the process.
It was déjà vu to look at a real garden now, that dream coming every time I shut my eyes for more than a few minutes. Still, it wasn’t encouraging much sleep since each time was more frustrating than the last, she seemed to move further and further away by the end of each segment. What am I missing? Flurry had said I wasn’t doing it right as if there was a right way to chase a comatose mare through a dream. Sure.
I turned away from the window and opened a book about the psychology of dreams, trying to make sense of the images in my head but each book had a different interpretation, no author seemed to agree with what my dreams could mean. The one to ask would probably be Princess Luna, but she was somewhere in the south, deep in the Savana of the Antelope Tribe, doing whatever princesses do when they retire. But dreams were her realm, shouldn’t she have sensed this abnormal nightmare by now? Why wasn’t she stepping in to save Starlight?
I put aside the psychology and picked up the arcana instead. I wasn’t a psychologist like Starlight or a dreamwalker like Luna, but magic was the cause of all this, so magic would be the solution. It was my talent, after all. There weren’t many books about dream magic, but there were enough for me to work with and draft a theory. I started writing the formulas and sketching magic circles, and I found myself scribbling furiously at the blank scroll in an attempt to make some of it stay and make sense.
“Sunburst?” I swore I heard Starlight’s voice, but when I turned it was Healing Touch, her lips pressed together in a thin line.
I dropped my quill, pushing the scroll behind me as if I were going to be able to hide the mad mess of ink. “Oh, hey.”
“You’ve been writing for hours.”
I stood achingly slow from the bench, feeling the strain in my legs and lower back. “N-No, huh, I just started.”
“Sunburst,” her tone instantly told me everything before she uttered another word. “I already saw to Starlight and everything. You wrote the whole time. You didn’t even realize I came in, and I have the feeling you didn’t even sleep again last night. On top of that, have you eaten today? Showered?”
“Of course.” Had I? It was true, the days were starting to blend together, so maybe I had missed a meal or two.
“Bullshit.”
I had never heard Healing Touch swear, and the word hit me. “I swear, I just…got a little carried away with my research, it happens all the time, just ask anypony—”
“Liar.” She walked around me and headbutted me away from my desk, forcing me down the hallway.
There was no stopping her, even as I tried to get away from her. “Healing Touch, seriously, I’m fine!” The begging didn’t work.
It wasn’t until she herded me to the mirror in the bathroom that she stepped back. I almost wished she hadn’t since I needed somepony to ground me. Instead, my hooves came hard to the edge of the sink, keeping me steady. My eyes were sunken, my coat was a mess, and my goatee had grown along with the beginnings of a beard shadowing my jawline. Really, it looked like I was the one wasting away.
“Now tell me again you’re eating and sleeping.”
“I get it.”
“Look,” her wings fluttered slightly on her back, “if this isn’t different by tomorrow, I’m telling the Princess that you can’t handle this. I understand that Starlight is important to you, but we can’t lose you either.”
“She’s not…” A wave of nausea, with a side of something close to self-loathing, hit my gut and threatened up my throat.
She sighed. “I’m going to exercise Starlight today. You’re going to shower, get dressed, and leave this house to get something to eat. Like sitting down at a restaurant. Then you’re going to go grocery shopping. Until all of that happens, you are not allowed to come back, and if you try to skip a step, I’ll tell Princess Cadance today instead of tomorrow.”
“What, am I supposed to bring you receipts?” I grumbled.
“You don’t lie well, Sunburst. I’ll be able to tell.”
I did as I was told because Healing Touch had never told a greater truth: I’m a terrible liar.
Every day after, I made sure to be washed, dressed, and fed by the time Healing Touch came by. I even forced myself to nap while she was in the house as if to quell every last one of her complaints. She left me alone for the most part, no more forced momming.
However, she’d probably have something to say if she knew the way I spent my nights. Like now, after a meager dinner consisting of half an apple and a cup of tea, followed by many hours of research, the clock struck 3 AM and I found myself drifting towards Starlight’s room, sitting on the chair next to her bed waiting for a miracle or some kind of change. By this point, I would have slept an hour or two, mostly filled with a stretched-out rendition of the same dream, the same meadow, the same light drifting further and further. Now was the time to think. To sit and think about how I was doing this wrong.
“How did Flurry talk to you?” I murmured. “It has to be just her, right? Something special about Flurry because if you could talk, wouldn’t you have talked to Luna or Twilight or maybe even me?”
I replayed the memory in my mind for probably the hundredth time, following the logic that Flurry was just being Flurry, one of a kind, powerful, innocent Flurry. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation or being too close to the problem, but it took me this long to actually see it. I left my seat and moved to the bed, sitting next to her on the mattress.
I made a point to never touch her, never get on the bed unless it was absolutely necessary. It felt wrong otherwise. My hooves cupped her face and I had to bite back the emotion, the memory of holding her like this still fresh in my mind. Maybe Flurry wasn’t talking, exactly. She was still a foal in many aspects, and what she knew about magic and how it works was limited. So maybe this was just magic at work.
But what kind of magic? Empath? Telepathy? Dreamwalking? How do I connect with her without her being here, without her being prepared for me or instructing me on what to do? I wasted too much time already, I’d just have to try. Thinking about the past, thinking about all those strange adventures, I focus on her and us, letting my magic unfurl towards her, and then I almost screamed in anguish, sure for a second that I had fallen asleep because I was back at that Celestia-damned meadow. But it was all wrong, no single circle of grass but a whole field of wildflowers underneath a starry sky surrounded me. I looked around me and let out an almost contented sigh.
“Sunburst…” and this time it definitely was her voice, not a mistake, and my head swiveled in every direction, trying to catch sight of her. I wondered if she’d have short hair here.
“Starlight?” It didn’t matter where I looked, she wasn’t there. But she had to be because she was the one that called me here and it only made sense for her to be here, somewhere.
“It hurts.”
I groaned. Maybe I had fallen asleep, maybe this was some new kind of nightmare as time and grief continued to weigh on me. She was dying and I was failing and this would be the new way I’d be reminded of it every night.
“Help me.”
I couldn’t stop the scream of frustration, “How?” But all I got in return was a searing pain behind my eyes. When I could refocus, I was back on the bed, my hooves still holding her face. “Darn it.” I brought a hoof to my face, wiping at my mouth, and when it came back all I saw was blood.
Finding me passed out on the floor, with blood smeared all over my face, was apparently the final straw for Cadance. She called the doctor and Shining immediately. I couldn’t blame her. I stayed on the floor, Cadance forbidding me from sitting up until the doctor arrived. She was nice enough to clean my face, but those were the only niceties I got as she proceeded to chew me out to fill the time. Flurry seemed to enjoy the fact that somepony else was getting scolded today, kicking her legs contently from Starlight’s bed.
Of course, the doctor didn’t seem half as concerned as Cadance, giving me a quick once-over before Shining help me sit up. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Huh…” I made the mistake of making eye contact with Cadance, her face saying if you don’t tell them I will. “I’ve been having dreams about Starlight, so I used my magic to look into her mind.”
“And it worked?” Shining asked, eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Somewhat,” I shrugged. “She wasn’t there though, just her voice, and she could only say a few words before the spell broke down and backfired.” Then it hit me and I almost jumped to my hooves, startling everypony. “Starlight! Doctor, is she alright?”
“She’s fine, son, it’s you I’m concerned about,” the doctor herded me to the chair, and my eyes quickly went to Starlight. The sheets were a little ruffled from my fall, but she was fine, still in her cursed sleep, breathing deeply and evenly.
Shining Armor nodded with sympathy. “Magical backlash, I guess we can thank the curse for one thing.” He put a hoof to his chin, thinking. “What did she say, exactly?”
“She said that it hurt,” my voice cracked, and regardless of how angry she was with me, Cadance was instantly at my side, a hoof on my shoulder. “But she had to be there, right? Somewhere?”
“I’m sure she was.”
The doctor examined me some more, and once he determined that nothing was broken, he packed his things. “I’d recommend not trying this again, but,” his eyes flickered from me to Starlight, “I guess these are extraordinary circumstances, and magic is beyond me, now, unless there’s anything else I’ll take my leave.”
“Doctor, would you mind hanging around for a moment?” Shining asked. Cadance gave him a surprised look, but he ignored her. “What else was there? In your dream?”
“A meadow, filled with flowers, a starry sky, and that’s it. She told me to help her, and I’m trying, but I don’t know how. This kind of magic is beyond me, and all the books I read offer nothing helpful, I’m going in blind and she’s counting on me and I don’t want to let her down but I don’t know what to do for her—”
Cadance cut me off with a hard squeeze on my shoulder and I stopped, trying not to cry for the hundredth day in a row.
Shining still looked thoughtful. “How badly did it hurt?”
I blinked, “Not that bad. The passing out wasn’t great.”
“Shining, if you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting—”
Shining didn’t hesitate to run over her words, “For him to try again? Absolutely.”
Cadance let me go and moved to her husband, pushing a hoof into his chest as she made him take a few steps back and away from me as if doing so would bring them out of earshot. “He could get hurt.”
“I know, but you and Twilight already tried, he’s the only one that’s gotten even close to figuring this out, besides,” he leaned into her as to say this only between the two of them. “You did the same for me on our wedding day, remember?”
Cadance huffed but didn’t reply, the feathers on her wings ruffled in discomfort for a moment before turning back to me. “You’re only allowed to do it when somepony else is here.”
“Alright.” Now I was getting ground rules? In my own house? Well, Cadance is a Princess…
Cadance pointed a harsh hoof at me. “And only once a day. Maybe. After we see what this second attempt will do to you.”
“Alright,” I repeated with a little less patience.
She looked to Shining Armor as if to wait for him to object, but he simply shrugged in surrender.
“But…can I try again now, while all of you are here?”
I got a simultaneous ‘yes’, ‘no’ and a shrug but obviously only heeded one of them. I slowly came to my hooves, hearing a vague protest from Cadance that was overlapped with assurances from Shining. I sat on the bed and reached for Starlight’s face, cupping those delicate cheeks in my hooves, and just about prayed for anything.
And there was the meadow, but the flowers seemed wilted and the sky was not as dazzling as last night, I couldn’t hear her but the feeling of her was there like I left her too weak to speak. “Ok, Starlight, here I come.” I picked a direction and started running, following wherever my instincts told me Starlight was. I galloped as I’ve never galloped before, since this wasn’t technically reality I didn’t tire, but the feeling was exhilarating. My hooves didn’t even touch the ground and I shot through the glade like a rocket, breaking the sound barrier—going faster than even the speed of light and thought.
A shadow stirred at the corner of my eye, unrelenting, following me no matter how fast I went. I ignored it, focusing on Starlight instead, she was close, so close, just a little more and—
I stopped; my legs locked together in fear. The edge of the world laid before me and above it, a whirlpool of malice swallowed everything in its path—planets and galaxies, light and shadow—spinning with the same deadly but slow force of a hurricane coming to shore. All except for one thing. It was small, but it shined with its own light, unmoving despite the pull of the curse that even I could feel, standing so far away. It flickered brightly when my eyes settled on it for a moment, before dimming exponentially.
“Starlight…”
The whirlpool swelled in size, sucking more of her light. The ground shook underneath my hooves.
It was impossible. She was too far away. I couldn’t reach her. I don’t know how to fly! My power and magic weren’t strong enough for that. I wasn’t enough. How could I stop the curse? How do you unlock someone inside themselves? The darkness reached me, pushing me over the edge and I fell.
At least the bleeding wasn’t so bad this time.
I didn’t remember much from the second attempt, besides Cadance's frantic orders and the blood dripping from my nose. However, when the sun woke me the next morning, I felt a clarity I hadn’t experienced since Starlight had come to stay. Even stranger, I wasn’t alone in bed, Flurry was lounging in a full-blown, chainsaw snoring sleep. I slid achingly slow out of bed, tiptoeing across the room. I paused only once when Flurry seemed to roll over violently for a moment before settling again. I made it to the hallway without disturbing her and shut the door.
Even more surprising than Flurry was Shining Armor sprawled on the couch, using one of the blankets I throw over the sofa for warmth. “Shining?” I croaked, suddenly realizing my throat was aching for liquid.
Shining flinched and looked at me with wide eyes before sighing with relief. “Oh, praise Celestia, you’re up.”
It seemed like a strange reaction in the midst of the bunch of oddities in my house. “How long have I been sleeping?”
“Three days.” Shining slowly peeled himself from the couch. “You passed out only a few moments after your last attempt, caused quite the stir, but the doctor said you were fine and that you’d wake up on your own. So, we waited, took turns watching you and Starlight, and here you are now.”
I couldn’t seem to rub two brain cells together for a reply. Instead, I moved towards the kitchen, pouring myself the water I so desperately needed.
Shining followed me, a hoof coming to my shoulder. “Slowly.”
The tiny sip I took left my throat screaming for more, but I could feel my stomach lurch at the contact, taking time to settle. “Flurry’s in my room,” I mumbled dumbly.
“She takes her guarding duties seriously,” Shining chuckled. “And with her talent, I thought it best she was with you. That, and she’s very fond of you, I couldn’t pull her away if I tried.”
“And Cadance?”
“With Starlight.”
I took another inadequate sip. “How mad is she?”
“Furious,” he said with an amused laugh.
“That’s funny?” I had more to say, but my throat still barely allowed the words I used to come. I tried to satiate it with another sip.
“You know, that’s what makes us good partners, and really, this applies to most couples.” Shining began to bustle around the kitchen as if it were his own, going through the motions of getting coffee ready. “We complement each other. Cadance pushes me to think outside the box and try new things, while I keep her from going too far. You and Starlight were very similar—”
“Please,” I spat the word. The last thing I wanted was to think about what we used to have.
Shining, either feeling particularly sadistic or thinking this was a learning opportunity for me, continued, “You and Starlight were very similar. Though I could never really figure out who pushed who.” The coffee cups clinked as he brought them out of the cabinet.
“Starlight,” I croaked before taking another sip of water. “She was always the brave one.”
He shook his head but still focused on the drip of the coffee, his tail flicking in thought. “But you had the stability she needed for that bravery. It was your trust, your devotion, that gave her the confidence to be more.”
And look where that got me, I stared bitterly at my glass. It was starting to feel more like sadism.
“You’ll have to do more than that, Sunburst.”
“What?” I wondered if gripping at my chest would stop the hurt, would clue him in, but regardless of the movement of my hooves, I knew he was going to just keep pushing.
“It’s obvious you’re holding back.” How Shining could be so matter-of-fact, so astute in the face of somepony emotionally wrecked was beyond me. That blankness on his face just made things worse. “Take it from somepony who was in Starlight’s position once. Cadance didn’t just pour her love and magic—she gave me her everything to break Chrysalis's hold on me. I understand you’re hurt, but you’ve closed off a part of yourself to her. If you’re going to keep doing that, then you might as well quit right now. Let the rest of us do what we can for her and bury her when she finally loses whatever strength she has left.”
No amount of water on Equus could clear the clench in my throat, the arid dryness from swallowing his words. It just isn’t fair. It isn’t fair! Why couldn’t I just keep that part that she wounded away from her? But if it was that or she died, did I really have a choice in the matter? “It’s not fair.” It was nothing more than a pathetic whimper.
A glimmer of pity shone in his eyes before he blinked it away. “I know.” Shining turned back to the counter and filled the cups with coffee. He was infuriatingly normal at the moment, mundane as if he hadn’t ripped my heart out. “Let’s go see Cadance. Expect her to hug you.”
Maybe some compassion from somepony in this house was what I needed. Shining motioned for me first and I padded out into the hallway, making sure to remain extra quiet as we edged past my room. Flurry’s questions were the last thing I could stomach right now.
As soon as I hit the doorway, Cadance was out of her seat, hugging me tightly with both her wings and hooves. “You giant idiot.”
I felt like a colt who had kicked a buckball through a window. “I’m sorry.”
“Neither of you is sorry and you know it.” She released me to look menacingly at her husband, who took in her anger quite well, before snatching the coffee from him with her magic. “But you’re forbidden, forbidden—”
“Cadance, I have to,” I put all the strength I had left into those words. “But I’ll wait, tomorrow I’ll try again.”
She looked from me to Shining, her coffee cup shaking slightly in her magic grip. “You need time, Sunburst. Can’t you wait until Luna gets here?”
“I don’t think she has that kind of time,” I murmured. I couldn’t look at Cadance anymore but the only place left was Starlight and that seemed worse. My eyes stayed on the floor as I moved towards the bed, my limbs feeling heavy from the exhaustion I couldn’t escape. “Can I…Can I be alone with her?” It was an absurd request and I expected rejection, complaint, but I just heard their receding hooves, the door shutting behind the two of them.
Being close to her, just our skin touching in some way, was the way I had always felt whole, alive as if she were part of the vital process of my breathing. I made the last few steps to the bed before easing myself down next to her, my head on the same pillow. The smell was still strong, too flowery, and I blamed the queasiness in my stomach on that as I let my hoof fall to her cheek, tilting her head my way. “Shining’s right, you know, I have locked a part of myself away, but I had to because, damn it, Starlight, you hurt me and I have a right to be angry, don’t I?”
I expected a sting but got nothing, my hoof trailed down the curve of her cheekbone.
“It would be easier if we could talk this out first, but…” I cleared my throat, feeling all my words clustered there. I had rehearsed this a million times in my dreams, but it didn’t make saying it any easier. “Starlight, I’m hurt, I’m angry, but I love you more than all of that. I love you so much that I’ll do anything to bring you back.” I had let too much drain away, and in my exhaustion, I allowed myself to be pulled into sleep, my hoof drifting from her cheek to her hip, pulling her tightly to me.
Cadance and Shining had left me there and when Healing Touch came for the evening, she didn’t say anything about finding me in the bed. She just gently shook my shoulder until I sat up in a half stupor. “I brought you food.”
“I’m not…” I started weakly but let it trail off, my stomach answering for me instead with a groan. “Thanks.”
“And you absolutely have to shower,” Healing Touch frowned.
“Yes, ma’am.” I’m sure she would have clipped me with her wing if I didn’t look so pathetic. In return for not beating the stuffing out of me, I did as I was told. The shower was long, something I regretted since I felt it oozing the last of my strength, like a siren’s call back to bed. I put on a warm cloak over my withers, lazily tying it around my neck with a knot that came undone a few seconds later, forcing myself to the dining table where a bowl of food was waiting for me.
The food, as Healing Touch had the audacity to call it, was nothing more than the gruel-like substance Starlight got every day. I should have realized that sleeping for three days didn’t earn you a carrot-dog and hay-fries. When the thought of that made my stomach wither, I stuck with the mash in front of me, slurping it slowly as I rested my head on my hoof. It tasted like socks and had the consistency of mud.
As I reached the bottom of the bowl, Healing Touch appeared. “Princess Twilight is coming over tomorrow.” I nodded as if this conversation was going to include me, Healing Touch was in doctor mode, chin tilted upwards with importance. “She’ll determine if this curse is too much for you. It might be your last chance.”
“No pressure,” I grunted.
“Sunburst, please.” I had never heard Healing Touch beg so I can’t tell you what it would sound like, but the quality of her voice was alien to us both and our faces registered the same surprise.
“Then I’ll get it right tomorrow.” I pushed the bowl away, creating a space where I could rest my head and still look at her, cheek pressed against the warm tabletop. “Don’t worry, I have a plan.”
She seemed unsure of her next set of words, awkwardly settling on, “I won’t doubt you.”
“Thanks.”
Healing Touch turned, making space in the doorway. “Go back to bed, Sunburst.”
I hesitated, comfortable in the awkward sprawl on the table, but I pushed myself up. She switched with me, moving into the kitchen as I started the trek down the hallway. I paused at the doors and for a moment I could swear that lily scent was there, as if Healing had gotten it right this time. I moved to Starlight’s room.
I was wrong, I knew it couldn’t have been the actual scent since the room reeked of that other soap, just as it did every time Healing was here. But it had been there, pulling me, and I continued to be led back to her bed, back to her, and before I knew it, I was curled next to her, only brave enough to hold her hoof this time.
As I drifted off, I swore her hoof twitched, but it was only part of the dream.
The quill moved at the speed of my thoughts, and yet, it wasn’t fast enough. Shining’s words reverberated in my brain, the accusation ringing loud and true. I’ve been holding back and now I had to give her all of me—every last bit of it—if I ever wanted to see her again. And I would do it in the only way I knew how.
The spell I’m writing is something I’ve never tried before; it was like I was composing an anthem, writing an autobiography, and painting a portrait all at once. It was something intrinsic, my psyche in spell form, an extension of the pounding of blood in my veins. A scared little part of me needed to see it first, so I cast it, letting the spell flow around me, thinking about the mare who I never expected to become part of the magic. The spell unraveled and became a blur of light and sound, taking nothing from the scrolls of paper strewn across the desk but from all of the tangled experiences we had. It only ceased when I could translate the feelings I had voiced to her the night before, feelings that maybe would reach her this time.
As the last of the light faded, I finally heard a knock on the door, opening it only to see Twilight staring down at me, anxiety contouring her eyes despite the calmness of her face. “Sunburst?”
“I’m ready.” I gathered my things, legs trembling underneath me, but I blamed it on sitting on the desk for too long. I walked past her and trotted down the hall.
I can’t remember the last time I had so many guests in my house, but every available seat was occupied at the moment. Cadance and Shining Armor sat on the love seat, Flurry Heart perched on her father’s withers, looking around the room with wide eyes before landing on me. I smiled at her with a calm I didn’t have; the room was a tangled web of tense emotion that even I could feel, I couldn’t even imagine how a filly as sensitive as her was taking it. Healing Touch and the doctor were there as well, sitting on the opposite couch, two medical bags filled with supplies at their hooves. Twilight walked around me and stood next to them. All eyes were on me now.
I gulped. Yes, I was the only one who could wake Starlight, but I needed help. Even Shining and Cadance had help during their debacle.
“Everypony, thank you for coming,” I nodded at them in greeting, “before we get started, here’s the rundown.” I opened a book, flipping to a page I previously bookmarked. “Starlight was attacked with an artifact called the crook of Hyksos, there’s a long and bloody history to it, but to summarize—the one who holds it, it’s granted the power of subjugation. Perfect for the mining operation the Diamond Dogs were running, not so much for the creatures forced to work there.” I lifted the open book for them to see and pointed at the picture: a crook made out of gold with the head in the shape of a king cobra, with rubies for eyes and diamonds for fangs.
Everypony leaned in to see better, except Twilight, who only nodded while looking at the floor. “I wasn’t going to send her at first, but once she found out, she insisted. It…it probably brought her memories of Our Town.”
I sighed. That sounded like something Starlight would do.
Shining cleared his throat. “Alright, but why is Starlight in a coma then? Shouldn’t she had been enslaved like the others?”
“The crook of Hyksos is a powerful artifact, but—” my lips twitched with a smile “—Starlight is even stronger. The Diamond Dog must have realized that the crook wasn’t working on her and panicked, throwing spells left and right, destroying the wand in the process, which brings us to our current predicament.” I set the book down and opened another, flipping the pages until I found what I was looking for. “The reason Cadance, Twilight's, and my attempts to break the curse have failed is because there’s no curse to break. Starlight was never under a curse.”
Everypony looked at me with wide eyes. I looked back at them, waiting for the information to sink in. As I expected, it was Twilight who broke the silence first as realization dawned on her. “When the wand exploded, it wasn’t the magic dissipating, it was transferring! Of course!” Twilight facehoof and shook her head with dismay. “I should’ve seen this sooner!”
“You’re not the only one who feels that way, trust me.” I nodded with sympathy. “If all of that magic had gone up in a fiery blaze or an explosion, it would have taken half the mine with it.”
“And all those creatures trapped inside,” Shining said and paused before speaking up again. “Do you think Starlight knew this could happen? You said she was really good at magic, so…”
“I don’t know.” The thought troubled me more than I wanted to admit. I didn’t know what was worse, that Starlight jumped into this ignorant of the consequences, or that she was fully aware but still chose to risk her life. If her magic had been a little weaker or the wand a little stronger, Starlight wouldn’t have survived at all.
Twilight and Shining nodded in understanding, but Cadance, Healing Touch, and the Doctor looked confused. Flurry just looked bored. “Magic follows the laws of thermodynamics, to an extent,” I explained to them, “magic, like energy, can never be created or destroyed, when the crook broke all of that energy had to go somewhere and it latched on to the next suitable host: Starlight.”
“I thought you said Starlight was stronger than that thing,” Cadance said.
“She is, that’s why she’s lasted this long. The magic of the crook has wrapped around her mind and psyche, like aluminum foil around a radio, which was why Princess Luna didn’t notice her missing until Twilight contacted her, and why she couldn’t find her in the dream realm.” Twilight nodded in confirmation. “And what’s worse is that it’s growing stronger by feeding off her power, if we let it run its course it would lay stagnant in Starlight’s body, and that would be that, but Starlight wouldn’t…”
“In other words, I’d be forced to put her on a ventilator.”
“Caduceus!” Healing Touch hissed and elbowed the doctor in the ribs, hard enough for him to flinch, as punishment for his insensitive (but truthful) comment.
He rubbed the sore spot on his chest. “I’m just saying that Starlight is growing weaker even as we speak, whatever you got planned it better work. I don’t think she will be strong enough for a second attempt.”
If I wasn’t nervous enough the doctor’s words made sure that I was. The worst part was that he was right, Starlight was running out of time. The air of the tense room filled my lungs when I took a deep, calming breath to steady my nerves, closing my eyes to clear my mind. I could do this; I was the only one who could do this. Starlight was counting on me.
“Here’s the plan.” I levitated a book towards Twilight. “Twilight, once you raised the proper mental shields, I need you to hold and extract the corrupted magic from Starlight’s body.”
She took the book and flipped the pages, reading the passages I bookmarked for her, her eyes widened slightly as she read. “Combining Eliciunt Magicae with Anima Sigillum…yes, this could work!”
As Twilight studied, I turned to Shining. “Once Twilight gets the magic out, seal it in this wand.” I walked over to one of the display shelves I had all over my house bringing, down a wand similar to the original crook in design, made out of enchanted wood with intricate seals and talismans carved on the sides. “And put it in someplace safe where nopony will touch it.”
Shining took it, examining it closely before looking up at me with a smile and a salute. “You got it.”
“Cadance, I need your help to stabilize the connection between me and Starlight,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat up, “it…it wouldn’t be too dissimilar to the way you spread love through your magic, and you wouldn’t have to do it for too long, once I reach her you can stop and help Shining with the wand.”
Cadance gave me a knowing look but didn’t comment on my embarrassment. “You can count on me.”
“And Flurry…”
She stood to attention—chest puffed out with pride like a soldier waiting for a command—and I had to hold back a smile when I handed her a helmet. “Put this on, hide behind the couch and raise a shield around you, Doctor Caduceus and Nurse Healing Touch.”
Flurry Heart pouted. “But I want to help.”
“And you are,” I reassured her. “When Starlight wakes up, she will be very sick, and she will need the doctors to help her feel better, ok?” I graciously omitted the part that I’d probably be ill by the end of this as well, but it was something Flurry didn’t need to hear.
She scolded me for a few seconds too long before Nurse Healing Touch came to my aid.
“We are counting on you, Princess Flurry Heart,” Healing Touch curtsied and smiled. “I feel much better knowing that you will be protecting us.”
“We’ll be in your care, your highness,” Doctor Caduceus said, smiling as well.
Flurry looked at them, hesitated, and finally relented, taking the helmet off my hooves and placing it on her head with a determined frown.
We got to work preparing the room. The furniture was pushed to the side and the old rug underneath was rolled away, clearing the space in the middle for me and Twilight to draw the appropriate magic circles. Despite the urgency of the situation, we didn’t rush through the process—the slightest error, the slightest misspelling, could be disastrous, and with Starlight’s life at stake, I was unwilling to make even the slightest mistake.
Once we were done double-checking, Shining walked in with Starlight cradled in his magic. She looked so pale and fragile, that I had to fight the urge to run over and take her from him, afraid he might break her. I ground my hooves to the floor to stop myself and, to his credit, Shining was careful, placing her in the center of the magic circle as instructed with extreme gentleness, meeting my eyes knowingly.
“Wait!”
My heart jumped to my throat, everypony flinching at the sound. Flurry flew in with a pillow in her grasp and placed gently underneath Starlight’s head. “Ok.”
I gave a shaky sigh and we all relaxed. I got inside the circle and sat on my haunches, grasping her face in my hooves as I did before. This was the last time.
When the meadow appeared, I didn’t give it a second thought and took off, running forward as soon as my hooves hit the grass. The malice was all around me, clinging to me like mud after a storm, I didn’t stop, I didn’t think, I just ran towards the last bit of light left on the horizon. Just before the darkness became overwhelming Twilight broke through, her magic driving the shadows away. It didn’t relent that easy though, the sky going dark and brightening in confusing intervals, it was dizzying to look at and I almost lost sight of Starlight, but I knew I was going down the right path when I was once again at the edge.
This time I didn’t hesitate, I jumped.
My hooves hit something solid, it reminded me of the crystal floors that decorated the castle, even making the same sounds as my horseshoes scraped the crystal in my mad dash upwards.
Starlight was nothing but a speck of light now, still, she glimmered brightly when I approached, just as the crystal bridge crumbled underneath me. I used the momentum I had to jump and catch her. I didn’t know if I was falling, flying, or floating, I didn’t care, instead, I let loose the magic that I knew was part of me. I thundered through the memories that were just me and started into the ones that were us, letting her see what I saw and felt anytime she was near. It was then that I felt her hooves around me, just holding me and putting gentle pressure on my shoulders. I didn’t open my eyes to confirm, tempting though it was, I knew I wasn’t done, I wasn’t laid bare yet.
As promised, I opened that partitioned part of me, letting Starlight have everything just like before, just like it was always supposed to be. A warmth started to bleed into those hooves, a new heaviness solidifying around my forelegs.
“Sunburst?” her voice sounded rusty, but it was there, it was fully hers.
The spell was finished and there was no pain, no flash expelling me back into the real world. I risked opening my eyes, her hooves gliding down my shoulders as I did. Starlight was there, short mane and shocked blue eyes, in the flesh.
I jumped to my hooves, sending grass and flowers flying in my wake, to cradle her face just like I did in the waking world. “Starlight…” she was radiating heat, life, and I felt like I was slipping into a dreamy haze just by holding her. Without another thought, I leaned in and kissed her fully on the lips.
It was disorienting to wake up in almost the same position, our lips not connected but my face hovering over hers. Twilight’s voice was like a buzz in my ear and I could feel the doctor’s hoof on my withers but it was as if none of that really mattered because as I took another breath, Starlight opened her eyes.
“She’s ok,” even my own voice sounded far off.
“Sunburst…” it was an aching croak, but she offered a smile to soften the sound.
I tried to speak but the tears seemed to choke all of my words, soft droplets falling from my face to hers. It wasn’t until I saw a drop of red that I knew.
In a way, I prayed that it would all end here, with my heart full and open and her alive and well.
Life doesn’t play into my dramatics, though. For a moment, I thought the darkness I was in was the afterlife, but it just turned out to be empty dreams, my body and mind too exhausted to even produce thoughts or images. There was nothing I could do but wait in the limbo until I could feel the warmth of the sun again, until my eyes finally opened to color and life, back in my room, in my bed.
The heat wasn’t the light, I realized when I opened my eyes, the sun wasn’t even touching the glass of the windows yet. It was two bodies pressed against me, one on each side. Flurry’s little head was pressed tightly against my foreleg looking impossibly uncomfortable as she tried to cling to me in her sleep. On the other side, Starlight’s face rested just inches from mine, her foreleg draped over my chest so her hoof was directly over my heart, feeling my heartbeat. I let my eyes scan the room, finding Cadance in one of the armchairs brought in from the living room, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
As if I had the energy or the moisture in me for it, my eyes started to water, a sob wracking my ribcage. I would have tried to put a hoof to my mouth but neither was available to me at the moment and the sputtering breath shot through the silent room.
Cadance’s eyes opened instantly. “Sunburst?”
I let another sob answer for me—as if I could do anything else—and she moved quickly from the seat to my side. Regardless of the other two, Cadance pulled me out of their grasp into a sitting position, clutching me tightly to her.
“Cadance?” Starlight’s half-asleep voice just made my crying worse, especially as her hoof reached for mine in the sheets. I met her halfway, squeezing as our hooves intertwined.
In the next second, Flurry was up, her little face pressing between me and Cadance, wrapping her wings around us as if to protect us from the light.
It was the strangest feeling—a warm, loving kind of agony, if there is such a thing, tearing me apart and pulling me back together.
We stayed like that until my weeping settled, Cadance pulling me away when my sobs turned into sniffles. “As Princess of the Crystal Empire, I forbid you from doing anything like that ever again.”
I couldn’t laugh, only offered a sharp breath from my nose and a weak smile.
“But you’re ok?”
“Ok,” I croaked back, feeling the sandpaper in my throat.
“Good,” her voice warbled and she pressed a wing to her mouth for a moment, eyes closed tightly as she trembled. She got herself under control and eased me back to bed, Flurry instantly moving to crawl on my chest, taking the space Cadance left behind. “I’m going to get you some things and talk to Shining.”
I nodded, a weak hoof wrapping around Flurry.
“Sunburst.” She was still half-asleep but I could tell that the waterworks were starting.
“Shh, it’s ok, Flurry,” my voice was barely above a whisper so I ran a hoof through her mane, trying my best to channel Cadance. It was Starlight’s hoof flexing in mine that finally brought me to look at her, a moment I had been avoiding since I woke her and saw her lying next to me. I tried to swallow before letting my head fall to her side, finding her face still so close to mine with her head on the pillow. “How are you?” I barely managed, sure that was the last of my voice.
Her other hoof came to her mouth, her nail pressing to her lips before letting it slide to her cheek. “I should be asking you that, sleeping for five days because of me.”
I shrugged; my voice spent. I was glad it was gone because I was afraid I’d start begging, melting under the warmth of her blue eyes.
“Thank you, Sunburst.” I thought her hoof would crush mine with the next squeeze. I brought the hoof up, resting it on my chest, trying to avoid the way she was looking at me, those eyes searching for something in my face. I was able to do that until I heard her gulp, trying to swallow her own tears.
The tears on her cheeks were torture and there was part of me that wanted so much to clear them from her face with my magic, my lips. But in the limited words she’d given me so far, I was waiting on a few more. I needed those few more, an echo of what I showed her through my spellwork. But that’s all I was doing, waiting, watching her tears until she pressed her face against my shoulder, hiding them from me.
And even though I hated it, I could feel that part of me closing back up, quickly locked up again after barely going free.
It was a week before Starlight was really up and moving around the house. Healing Touch came daily and helped her build strength back in her legs until she was able to walk on her own; she was still shaky though, relying on walls and furniture for balance and rest. Her magic, however, was completely depleted from the ordeal—she could barely muster a spark from her horn—but Doctor Caduceus assured her that it would come back to her with time.
As for me, I tried to keep busy. I tried to get back to work, my students endlessly asking me where I’d been and if I was going to bring my friend like show-and-tell. Rumors had definitely spread in my absence and Starlight’s return was a constant conversation starter, much to my misery. I tried to stay out of the house for as long as I could, making excuses that I was giving her space, we were two different ponies now and neither used to cohabitating anymore.
Being home proved that a blatant lie.
I would get home and the radio would turn on to my favorite station while I showered away the grime of the day. I’d come out in my lounge cape to find her curled on one of the chairs with a book. I’d sink into the couch opposite hers and alternate between watching her read and reading my own book until it was time to start dinner.
She’d been reading constantly, another throwback to our time in Ponyville, and was working her way through the assortment of titles I had gathered for her through the years. I would never admit it, but I kept buying books that I thought would interest her and left them around as if she were still with me. Watching her read them now…well, it was conflicting.
It was another week before it had begun to drive me crazy. Healing Touch came less and less since her remaining duties—the strength and conditioning—could easily be performed by Starlight herself, with a little help from me. Touching her and spending more time with Starlight became my job and regardless of the way we’d fallen back into old habits, we didn’t seem to have the same ability with words.
Our days and nights consisted of small talk and long stretches of silence, and I admit that it was more my fault than hers. Each conversation starter she tossed at me got smacked back with one-word answers. In the end, maybe I was getting angrier at myself than I ever was at her.
I also admit that I was hiding in my room the night we finally talked, pretending to pour over some book at my desk, something that looked vaguely serious and important. Twilight had lowered the sun and the room was borderline dark, just a candle illuminating the small space of my desk. I heard her moving around the house but for the most part, she was silent, only drifting from the kitchen to the living room.
Her hoofsteps started down the hall and I shut the book and stood from the desk, waiting for her to close her door. Instead, she knocked on mine. “Yeah?”
The door creaked open and she stepped in, her eyes nervously meeting mine. “Hey.”
“Oh, h-hi.” Smooth, Sunburst, very smooth.
She took another step toward me and I found myself mirroring her, decreasing the space between us. “How…How was your day?”
I suppressed a groan, turning it into a clearing of my throat. “I, it was, huh, Starlight, I…” Oh, Sweet Celestia, strike me down now! I planted a hoof over my face, fiddling with my glasses and trying to forget how lacking my conversation skills were.
“Sunburst…” The softness of my name made my hoof fall, catching her blue eyes glowing in the low light. For a second, I could have sworn we were back in Ponyville and she was coming to my room to spend the night. Her hoof reached out towards me to rest softly on my chest. “I wish…I know this is—”
A part of me knew this was stupid, the worst possible move I could have made but the rest of me didn’t care. Everything felt like it did back then like nothing had changed, and for a moment I could lie to myself and make it so. I cut off her words with my lips, pressing them delicately into hers. I wish she had tensed or slapped me across the muzzle, or anything other than the soft way she sighed and relaxed into me.
In my fantasies, when I thought of us finding each other again somehow, I imagined that our first kiss would be a crushing of mouths; an outpouring of all the pent-up passion I kept corked for so long. What happened was nothing like that at all: it was slow moving of our lips, an exploration of familiar yet new sensations. Her lips were soft, her body was warm and her scent was—
And then that other part—the bitter, angry part of myself—caught up, my stomach turning. I stepped back, planting a hoof on her chest, knowing I was crossing a line into roughness, pushing her from me with just enough hesitation to keep her from stumbling backward. “No.”
“What?” Her eyes fluttered open and I could see the honest shock on her face.
I could feel my legs starting to tremble. “You can’t just do this to me, Starlight.”
“I thought…” She bit her lip to close off her words.
I forced a deep breath, feeling my lungs fill to a burning brim before letting it out, bordering on a shout. “You broke my heart!”
A laugh started on her lips but the smile quickly vanished, her eyes searching my face. “What?”
“When you left, you ripped my heart out.” I took one of her hooves and pressed it to my chest. “Tell me I’m lying, Starlight. Take a good look at me and tell me that your leaving didn’t destroy me.”
“I…I believe you.” A wave of rage washed over me at the hesitation in her voice, as if she couldn’t see it all over my face. Those blue eyes had the nerve to keep tearing into me, trying to figure me out, “But I left because you—”
I tried to push her away but I had no strength left so I stepped back, those words draining every last bit out of me. “Because of what I said.” I put a shaky hoof to the back of my neck. “But you didn’t even let me fix that, you didn’t even give me a chance! You just misconstrued my words so you could hear what you wanted to hear!”
“You said it was no big deal. I asked you if we were changing if we were going to be something more and you said it was no big deal!” Now her voice was booming, ears pinned to her head as she stomped her hoof to the floor to create some kind of steadiness after her outburst. “You basically said fucking me was no big deal and you’re surprised that I took it the wrong way? Are you serious?”
“I meant the change, us changing was no big deal,” I hissed through my teeth. “But you took it the way you wanted because you were scared. It got too messy and you wanted out. Why does that sound familiar?”
“Don’t you dare—”
The warning didn’t register and I felt another growl growing in my throat, “You’re still the same thoughtless, manipulative mare you’ve always been!” Slapping her in the face would have hit her softer, and I watched her eyes blink and water in the face of my words. “If you had listened to me, if you had given me a chance, I would have told you—” I snapped my teeth shut, clenching my jaw against a wave of my own tears. “Forget it. There’s no point now.”
Her mouth opened but shut again quickly, the tears finally releasing and falling down her cheeks. By the time I wanted to move forward, to touch her, she was already turning from me, thundering through the door that she slammed behind her. I heard the second door to her room slam. Why does it feel like we keep playing the same parts over and over?
I waited for another two slams, one of her leaving her room and one from her leaving the house, but it was silent. My knees felt weak so I collapsed back on the bed, still listening for her, maybe she was gathering her things or planning her next move. The only noise came from the nightlife outside my window, the sound of carriages and ponies moving through the streets. I waited and waited, but it was only the night that answered back.
I guess I’d fallen asleep like that, listening to the white noise of the world. When my eyes opened it was pitch dark and silent, making the creak of my door even louder. There was a little light from the hallway, probably coming from her room, giving her a halo. I blinked a few times, propping myself up so I could sit.
“Sunburst…”
“Yeah?” My voice was gruff from sleep and the tears that already wanted to choke me at the sight of her. Starlight looked as if she cried for hours, her eyes ringed red and bruised from the late hour. I glanced at the clock that blinked 4 AM back at me.
She sighed, leaning against the frame as if it were supporting her instead of her legs, half of her body hidden from sight. “I don’t want to fight.”
“Me neither,” I answered dumbly.
“I just want to say…” she took another deep gulp of breath, “that what I did was wrong.”
“Today? I mean, yesterday?” I could have blamed it on my lack of sleep, but I think it’s better blamed on just my lack of sense in general.
“Well, yes, that too, and when I left.” Starlight took another breath, pressing a hoof to her eyes to stop a new flood of tears. “You deserved a chance to explain yourself, I should have asked you for a better answer but…I guess it felt easier to break my own heart than to let you break mine.”
“I wasn’t—” I stopped myself, again feeling the futility of clarifying the past.
“I’m sorry.” A sob broke her voice and she moved her hoof from her eyes to her mouth, forcing back the sound. “I’m so sorry.”
I couldn’t just sit there anymore and quickly got to my hooves, closing the space between us, letting a shaky foreleg wrap around her shoulders. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have said those things.”
“It’s not like I didn’t deserve them.” Her voice was almost lost as her cheek pressed into my shoulder, the tears soaking into my cloak. “So don’t apologize.”
I shook my head. “I was being mean for the sake of being mean. That wasn’t very nice.” Holding her felt conflicting. I wanted so desperately to be angry with her but hurting her—having her hurt—was something that I couldn’t inflict or watch without feeling that need to soothe.
A short, breathy laugh from her mouth washed over my coat. “You’re too nice, you know that.”
“Sometimes it feels like that’s all I’ve got,” I mumbled and sighed with the next breath, my foreleg tightening around her shoulders, letting my cheek rest against her hair. This was dangerous and enticing, and I hated how my heart was so quick to give in while my brain screamed about the pain, the misery she put me through. I couldn’t see the clock, the time spent like this felt eternal.
“I hope you can forgive me.” Her voice was small and her hoof came to my shoulder, brushing the skin there in soothing circles.
“I’m trying.” I was proud of my honesty, but not of the feelings that flooded in after that. I had to let her go, to pull myself from all temptation.
There wasn’t a hint of surprise on her face from the detachment, from my words. Instead, she nodded, biting her lips as she turned back to the door. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
“No, it’s good that you did.” I had to resist the urge to touch her and instead forced myself to step back. “Just…get some rest, ok? You’re not healed yet.”
“Ok.” Starlight took slow steps to the door, letting it creak closed softly behind her.
I fell asleep, feeling more exhausted than I ever felt before after that conversation.
The next day was…tense, probably the tensest in the history of Equestria. I mean, I had finally done exactly what I wanted to do since she came, to really let her have it…almost. We couldn’t argue when she was in a coma, but now that she was fine, I could finally say all the things I wanted to. I should have just kept going, kept releasing all five years’ worth of anger and misery she put me through but I’d hugged her, and told her to go to bed instead.
And when she woke up the next day looking worse than the night before, all I wanted to do was to hug her and herd her back to bed and hold her down until she slept like she should, snoring loudly and soundly without interruption. Instead, I went through the motions, I made her breakfast, watched her as she tried to train a little, and tucked her back into bed when that tired her out, all without a word between the two of us other than what came out of necessity.
When Cadance came by around lunchtime, with Flurry in tow, I thanked every deity in existence because, horseapples, did I just need somepony else to exist in our space for a while. Maybe I regretted that hope as soon as Cadance spent more than the usual five seconds eyeing me. “Flurry, go play with Starlight.”
“She’s sleeping,” I tried, but Flurry was already flapping down the hallway.
“Well, she’ll figure it out when she gets there.” Cadance sat next to me on the couch. “What happened?”
“What are you talking about?” I raised an eyebrow, leaning against the arm of the couch in a more casual manner.
Cadance was not fooled, not even for a second, seeing right through my act with her steady gaze. “Sunburst, what happened?”
Again, my name meant I wasn’t getting away with it. I was surprised she didn’t use my middle name and give me the full name, mom treatment. “Cadance, I, huh…maybe talking to Starlight would be more helpful. She needs it more than I do, I mean, she was sick and—”
“Stop doing that.” Cadance’s hoof slapped against mine like I had been reaching for the cookie jar before dinner. “You may be five years older but this part of you hasn’t changed at all. Your feelings exist, they happen, they’re no less important than somepony else’s.”
I knew that. That was the problem, but I could barely utter the next part out, even under Cadance’s death glare. “I feel like nothing’s changed in five years.”
She sighed as she leaned against the couch, plating her elbow on the top and cheek against her hoof. “Did you finally bring it up?”
“Bring what up?” Playing stupid wasn’t going to work but I was determined to try anyway.
“About what you said and about, well, you know, after you two, well…” In any other situation I would have teased her about having to let Shining give Flurry the talk when she was old enough, if she was uncomfortable enough to even say sex to a stallion she wasn’t related to…but she knew?
“You knew!?” I spat.
“I, well, I met Starlight by accident in Yakyakistan about four years ago,” Cadance said, looking a little guilty. “We got talking and I offered the best advice that I could.” Cadance had a much easier time saying that than the last sentence, but I had a harder time taking this one.
“You talked to her? And you didn’t tell me?” This wasn’t fair. I should have known this.
“Yes, she had a lot to get off her chest.” Cadance’s smile wavered. “And I tried, Sunburst, I tried to get her to understand that what she did was a mistake but she was…well, she was heartbroken. You can’t talk sense to somepony heartbroken.”
I couldn’t control it, I didn’t want to say it, but it refused to be jammed behind my teeth. “How the fuck could she be the one heartbroken? I loved her, Cadance!”
“Loved?” The way she emphasized it; I could practically feel the ‘d’ hit me in the muzzle.
“I can’t forgive her,” I muttered as if that offered some answers.
Cadance heaved a sigh. “I will never say what she did was right—”
“I know,” my mouth still felt like it was full of venom. I tried to force my voice down. I knew I was being too loud; I knew I was risking it with her in the house but I was too busy nursing that festering wound. “I know what she thought, hay, I knew she probably thought that the second the words left my mouth. I’m an idiot and that’ll never change. But if I forgive her, if I get her back, what’ll stop her from running out the door after the next idiotic thing I’m bound to say? Because if she leaves me again, I…”
But what I couldn’t bear to say was even more of the truth. Even if she left now, with us still angry and hurt and off-kilter, I wouldn’t survive it either. For what felt like the millionth time this week, I sunk my head into my hooves and cried. I don’t remember crying this much, even as a colt, and I was starting to wonder if it would ever stop. If there was even a stop to the embarrassment when I went to full-on sobbing just as I heard hoofsteps behind me, and Starlight’s muted gasp.
“Oh, not momma. Sunburst’s crying.” Ah, so it was another case of Flurry having a feeling and she dragged Starlight into it. Another one for the books as evidence that Flurry deserves best-wingmare award. “Sunburst, don’t cry. Don’t cry.” She was instantly next to me, giving a signature Flurry-hug-that-fixes-everything.
“I’m fine,” I muttered. I wiped my face with my cloak as best I could before getting up quickly. “I’m going to make tea,” came out clumsily and I pushed past Starlight to enter the hallway for the kitchen.
“Sit, Starlight, we should talk.” I caught Cadance saying as I reached the end of the hallway.
I stood silently, free of all of them, immobile in the emptiness of the kitchen. I let that last for at least a minute before I could push myself to actually make good on my claim.
Counting the bubbles as the water came to a boil, I tried to forget that there was a decision in front of me. Regardless of what Cadance managed to dig out of me, I had to bury it back, right? There wasn’t a way to—the water was steaming and I picked up with my magic, grateful that I didn’t have to use my mouth as earth ponies and pegasi do. The water swelled over the leaves; the pot filled to the brim in hopes that it would buy me more time with our guests rather than by ourselves.
But by the time I got back to the living room, it didn’t seem to matter if we had guests or not. Starlight didn’t have eyes for anypony but I and I could feel them following me as I went about pouring the tea and distributing the cups. I sat off to the side in the armchair, sighing as Flurry didn’t take the message to leave me be. She climbed into my lap, barely avoiding dousing us both in scalding tea.
Cadance was talking quietly to Starlight but I couldn’t hear with Flurry being so close to my face, her hooves pressing into my cheeks. “You’re sad, Sunburst, why?”
“I swear, Flurry, if you’re trying to read my mind, stop it,” I muttered.
“Everypony’s sad,” she huffed, flattening her hooves against my face. “You woke the princess. We should be happy.”
“The princess woke herself,” I corrected.
“The credit goes mostly to you,” Starlight interjected weakly, testing the waters.
I was sure when I raised my eyes to hers it would be misery, but that small smile, the way she seemed nervous at the moment, made me feel right, not so lopsided.
Flurry continued to mess with my face. “And you’re all ruining mommy’s happy stuff.”
“Flurry Heart, I swear,” she shook her head with a sigh.
Flurry turned to her, her eyes practically pleading, “But, mommy—”
“No.” It was the most forceful mom no I ever heard her utter.
“Happy stuff?” I nudged at the topic, wanting to talk about anything other than myself and Starlight.
“No, Sunburst, I will not divulge the secrets my daughter so willingly throws to the wind.”
“I don’t know, I could use some good news right now,” Starlight added.
I couldn’t help myself from shooting a smile her way, the little bit of teamwork adding to that feeling of steadiness. “Yeah, Flurry said it. We’re a depressed crowd. Lighten the mood, Your Highness.”
Oh, how that ‘Your Highness’ made her eyes narrow. If looks could kill. “It’s not the right time.”
“I’m going to have a brother!” Flurry practically screamed, her patience bursting after a whole five adult sentence, besides the ‘no.’
“Flurry!” Cadance groaned, setting her tea back down hard on the table.
“Really? That’s amazing!” I bounced Flurry on my knee, only adding to her excitement.
“That’s wonderful news.” Starlight moved from the chair to embrace Cadance awkwardly on the couch.
“It’d be better if Flurry could keep a secret.” But Cadance accepted Starlight’s hug. “And we don’t know if it’s a colt, Flurry’s just convinced.”
“But it is!” Flurry insisted. “And that means Sunburst can come back to live with us since we’ll have a baby again.”
“Flurry,” Cadance chided again.
“I only did that for you, Flurry. You were special.” I tousled her mane.
Flurry looked from the mares on the couch back to me. “Starlight could live with us too!”
The painful words left my mouth without a second thought, “Starlight’s not staying, sweetheart.”
“Starlight,” Flurry whined, slipping from my lap to go over to her. “Starlight, just live with us and Sunburst.”
Oh, damn it, Flurry. I couldn’t stop the words from echoing in my head, bringing back the dark emotions from before. I turned myself away from the conversation, grabbing a random book to obscure my face enough that if I started crying again, I could at least save a little face.
“Flurry,” Cadance dropped her voice as she brought her closer, whispering something to her.
The room seemed filled with whispers but I was too intent on covering my face, keeping my emotions at bay. There was the movement of hooves and I felt a soft hoof on my knee.
“Sunburst, look at me,” her voice was forceful, making me drop the tome. We were alone, Cadance and Flurry nowhere to be seen, and Starlight was sitting in front of me. “Do you want me to go?”
“What?” The question shot through every nerve in my body and I was back to struggling to keep the tears under control.
Her eyebrows furrowed and I saw her lip tremble. “I can tell that I’m making you uncomfortable, so if you need me to go then I’ll leave—”
“No,” I practically shouted. “No, please.”
She pressed her lips together to stop the quivering, taking a deep breath before focusing her eyes back on me. “But I am, I’m hurting you.”
“That doesn’t mean I want you to leave. I don’t think…” I sighed and ran my hoof through my hair, forcing my eyes to meet her watery gaze. She was trying, I had to see that, had to let it sink in, and I took a deep breath, my hoof trembling at that lock. “I’m worried you’ll go again. I know you…you have your life, Starlight, but we…oh, damn it.” My mind went veering off, my brain screaming there was no ‘we’ and why wasn’t I just throwing a fit, telling her how much being around her killed and healed me.
“I have a job,” she corrected, that hoof on my knee trembled. “I don’t have a life out there. If you…if you want me to stay, then I’ll stay.”
“Stay.” I put my hoof over hers, leaving the other one sunken into my hair, my eyes closing to let a shaky breath try to calm me. She was silent, and after a few minutes, she pressed her cheek against her hoof and mine on my knee. This movement was so small, but it felt like it was going forward instead of back, instead of stuck.
After what felt like forever, she sighed and lifted her head. “Let’s watch a movie tonight.”
I opened my eyes again, slowly focusing on her. Her smile wasn’t even close to vibrant but it was there, it was genuine, and it was bleeding into my heart. “As long as I get to pick.”
