That's My Choice
It was the nature of life. But the thing was, Rainbow Dash knew that already.
She knew that it didn’t slow down for anypony. And she knew that if you flinch at it, if you can't race it neck and neck, then it won't hesitate to run off without you.
She didn’t need to learn it because she already knew. She might’ve known it before she knew her own name. It had been a feeling-- a distinct, sharp feeling already resonating in her bones by the time she saw that first finish line. Across that cloudhouse hallway, when every pony and kitchen shelf towered above her.
That was why she had suggested the trip in the first place.
And that was why she had gone with Pinkie Pie, the only pony in existence who could truly keep up with her, racing life the way they were.
And that was why they had gone to Las Pegasus, as the pair of them together were the only thing truly capable of sucking that place dry of all its juice.
And that was why, when everything was at its best, she was going to take that mare, and seal herself to her forever.
And maybe that was why she was so… angry.
You’re the only one, she’d sap in a memorized daydream, the only pony in Equestria who can rivel my awesomeness. Somepony I never expected to find anything close to in my entire existence, somehow standing here with me. Pinkamena Diane Pie. Will you stay with me forever?
After all this time, the words still bit at her tongue like she might be able to use them someday. But it never felt right anymore. Not since everything started.
The trip those words were meant for, in its brief entirety, had all but blurred away by now. Rainbow knew that they’d planned to stay at the resort in Las Pegasus for four days only to have fled home in a panic at the end of the first. But besides the incident, everything about it had just meshed together. The whole thing panged with a tangible loss now, a wasted potential.
All but one moment.
Rainbow Dash tossed in bed.
There had been a thrill bubbling up in her chest as one of the roller coasters slowed at a peak. The entire park and all its glory had been reduced to tiny blinking lights beneath the clouds, the sun still high in the sky. And they were shouting giddily over the clicking track in unison with each other just before they would dive down against the beating wind. That was when she really felt it. That they were unstoppable.
And only a couple hours later, like shattering glass to pull you from a dream, it came.
Again, Rainbow Dash tossed in bed.
Pinkie had been screaming. Being as it was her first ones, Rainbow still remembered the breathless quality to them, sharp like claws on a chalkboard. There was a chill breeze in the air, and Pinkie’s cotton candy had splattered into a mucky puddle at her hooves. Sky-blue dissolving dejectedly into the mud. She seemed to recall holding her own purchase too, a matching strawberry pink just for kicks. She didn’t at all remember what she must have done with it.
Yet another time, Rainbow tossed.
Whatever Pinkie was enduring had continued unwaveringly for a little over a half hour, at least for that first time. It was intercepted only by sharp breaths and the occasional low whales of pain that couldn’t have possibly come out of Pinkie’s throat.
But they did. …They always did.
Her face had hollowed to an anguished paper white, every part of her body thrashing aimlessly for a way to ease the agony jolting through them.
Rainbow now threw her body to the other side once more. Sheets pulled over her head.
Try as she had, she could never communicate with her. She shouted loud over her cries, desperately trying to understand what in Equestria was going on. What changed. What had been hurting her. Ponies crowded around at a distance, looking on in horror. None of them raised a hoof to help. Maybe they didn’t know how or maybe they were just too frightened. Rainbow had never really lifted her gaze to them, too focused on the state of her friend, trying to get through to her.
It didn’t take long for her to realize it was utterly pointless.
A violent gasp for air shot Rainbow upright at present, a sudden ache shooting down her throat and into her gut. The chilled ventilation of the room pricked at her coat, grounding her somewhat while she caught her breath.
Instinctually, she turned to the mare sleeping beside her. Soft streams of moonlight poured across the bed from between the blinds, allowing her to just make out Pinkie’s figure. Undisturbed.
She wasn’t entirely certain she had ever fallen asleep herself, but her heart was pounding with the recovering adrenaline of a nightmare anyway.
It was funny. Pinkie Pie herself hardly remembered that day anymore. According to Twilight, it might have been due to the shock repressing her memory. And yet, Rainbow Dash was left with every excruciating detail for years to come.
She needed something to occupy herself with, she knew. But in the meantime her mind continued to wander aimlessly, weaving back and forth through faces, voices and places.
We can take it.
She won’t… stop crying…
You silly filly.
You should see the mirror…
“Just go away…” She wanted to scream at them right now, to shout them all into oblivion. Tell them all to shut up, just be quiet, even her own voice. She shook her head instead, and then touched her hoof to her forehead at the incoming ache. She didn’t want to wake Pinkie, but she needed to do something. She couldn’t even turn on the lights if she was to stay in the bedroom, but she definitely wasn’t going to leave her alone.
The doctors, whether from Las Pegasus, Ponyville, Canterlot-- They all said she was fine everytime they asked about it. They said she was healthy. They said that her sugar intake was a little high, that her proactiveness bordered on straining, but that in the long run Pinkie Pie had an exceptionally resilient body, and that none of it was cause for the least bit of concern. Besides, they would say, the symptoms you're describing are way far beyond anything that we could realistically see being a problem for her. And are you sure she isn’t faking it?
That response irked Rainbow the most. She knew more than anypony, next to Pinkie herself, just how real it was. That much was never allowed a single doubt in her head. Not with her sobs after each episode, her splitting breath as she pressed her wet face into Dash’s chest every time.
That was not something she could fake.
It was something else.
Again, Dash shook her head and grit her teeth, rubbing her hoof against her temple. She couldn’t allow herself to go down that path again. She didn’t need to go back there, there was no point.
Instead, she remembered when she stopped thinking that way. And she tried to shove every other voice underneath it.
Hey you, Rainbow had called during one party or another, a cup of fruit-punch in her wing. She couldn’t recall the exact occasion, but she did imagine Octavia and DJPon3 were doing one of their famous duets at the other end of the crowd. That the sun had long retired for the night.
Pinkie had bounced out from within the sea of ponies, delighted to be called by her marefriend. Hey to you too! What’s up? She had to hollar with considerable effort to be heard over the base, but she did it perfectly naturally.
I wanted to ask you something… It had been eating at her for quite some time before that point, and it had even begun to keep her up. Pinkie was fine, probably. She just needed to hear it from her, in her own words. Are you like… okay and all that?
Rainbow sighed in the present moment, flipping on the light to the secluded bathroom. Once her vision adapted to the blinding light, and her violent headache subsided somewhat, she was greeted with a rather unflattering reflection of herself in the mirror.
The whites of her eyes were pink with exhaustion and her mane scurried recklessly about her head like she’d just escaped a tornado because of the constant adjustments she’d made in her attempts to fall asleep.
One of the voices crept its way around her mind at the sight.
…You don’t deserve it…
Looking at the mirror’s unaltered portrayal gave her little comfort tonight. She could still see where each crack would cross her cheek and chip her ear before the thing had been replaced. There were some instances every now and again where she wouldn’t see them, or it wouldn’t even cross her mind to look for them. In the past, she often wondered if that was fair. If she should even allow herself to forget.
But tonight, she switched on the shower head in hopes that she could.
You silly filly. Yeah of course I’m okay! She had pulled Rainbow in with a foreleg around her neck and took on a skeptical grin. Need to stuff your face in some chocolate cake?
The call to action was all but enough to vanquish any ounce of doubt she had before. Heh, more like always, she’d blurted in an attempt to be casual and ignore the awkward sincerity that would come after it. But seriously. She experimentally tapped her hoof to Pinkie’s chest. You know if you ever needed anything… that you could just tell me, right? I'm totally here for you for anything. You know?
Pinkie’s eyes had widened just a tad, perhaps with the recognition of Rainbow’s sincerity, before she let go and planted herself directly in front of her. Oh Dashie. I told you, I’m fine. The shocks don’t scare me so much that I’d suddenly turn into the element of being a stick in the mud.
That was what they had taken to calling them, “shocks.” It had only been about six months since the first one, and they had only been coming about two or three times a month back then. She always seemed to be in the absolute best of moods in the days immediately following one, like this day, and Rainbow was just having a difficult time telling if it was genuine.
When Pinkie saw Rainbow’s unchanging concern, as it must’ve been plastered clear across her face, she softened. Her whole bombastic demeanor seemed to subside in favor of something Dash had rarely seen in her. A form of gentleness. With that sudden look of miraculously understanding everything there was to understand all at once. Just that look alone had nearly made Rainbow tear up at the spot.
Pinkie came close and touched her forehead to hers, wrapping a hoof around her. Despite it all, her smile never faltered. Besides, she’d told her, like it was so obvious, We’re here right now, aren’t we?
It emanated a weightlessness. Like they were already miles above the clouds.
Like that moment on the roller coaster.
“...Um, Rainbow?” The bathroom door creaked open.
“Pinkie!” Rainbow delved to switch off the faucet and hop out of the tub, frantically flapping her wings dry with a brief shake of her soaked mane. “I’m here. Did you get the Pinkie sense? I’ll dry off and--” Her sentence steered off into an awkward silence once she realized the mare was laughing at her. She didn't need the reflection on the other wall to know she was blushing, but her chest quelled with a warm relief despite it. “Heheh… I guess that’s a no?”
Pinkie Pie’s laugh devolved into an easy sigh. “Yeah. I’m fine, Dashie.” The casual use of the nickname signaled she must’ve meant it.
The aforementioned Pinkie sense, which she had developed at one point or another, was the rapid batting of her right eye, ear flop, teeth chatter, and then fizzling out with the shudder of her tail. At its warning, Rainbow would always be there to embrace and comfort her until the shock faded. It was the most Dash could possibly do for her, to be there. Even if it always felt like the least.
“Then what are you doing out of bed?” She quizzed, trotting over to Pinkie as if pulled by some invisible force. “Did your pain meds wear out? Here, I know how hard it is for you to fall back to sleep when-”
“Nuh-uh-uh.” She stopped Dash with a boop to her nose before she went in for a touch herself. “I came over here to ask about you this time.” She cocked her head to one side in skepticism. She was actually frowning. “Are you sure you're okay? I know you were super nervous while I was unconscious today…. Spike told me," and a soft chuckle lit her face again. "He said you were repeatedly going all around Ponyville and back with a new pony on your back! All within the span of a few seconds. And then, when I woke up…” And the smile faded again.
She supposed Pinkie must have been a bit confused when nearly everyone in town was there to greet her by the time she opened her eyes.
But she had never done that before. Never just fainted. Maybe that was why all of her worries were so amplified tonight.
Rainbow let out a breath. She found herself staring into her reflection again, watching her mop of a mane drip onto the tile floor. It was still smooth. Not one crack. “Yeah, I’m-... I’m okay. Sorry about all this.” She sat back on her haunches in sudden exhaustion. She felt so stupid being caught so discombobulated in a cold shower in the middle of the night. Pinkie probably thought she was losing it lately, what with all the panic, the clinginess, and now this. She guessed it must have been pretty annoying.
“Sorry about what?” chirped Pinkie. “I didn’t really mind being alone one second and totally surrounded by everyone I love with concerned faces the next. I-It was actually pretty funny.” It was a nervous laugh. “I kinda thought it was a prank-...” But the words left, discouraged by some face or another Rainbow must have been making at the floor tiles. “...Dash?”
“No, really, I’m sorry. You told me that the lingering pain would worsen over time. You even told me that at some point, it might stay in your life forever. And when you told me that, I... I thought I was prepared for it...” The ‘but’ was coming. She just had no clue where she was headed with it. Where could she possibly start?
But then Pinkie smiled softly. And the look in her eyes told Rainbow she didn’t even need to. “It’s okay.”
It wasn’t anything special, just those few words and an understanding that flowed between them, and yet it had worked wonders at the time. Given the effectiveness of Pinkie’s reassurance the previous night, she had hoped that this time she might not have so much trouble getting to sleep again.
She was wrong.
Sure enough, she had been wide awake in bed for at least a good number of hours now. Granted, it had not been bombarded by the same incessant voices and images quite as badly as before. She definitely felt like she could at least breathe, but her mind had kept her up all the same.
I-It was actually kind of funny.
That stutter. It was subtle. So subtle in fact that maybe if she were anypony else, she wouldn’t have noticed it. But Rainbow noticed. And it wouldn’t leave her alone. Why would she even feel the need to say that if she hadn’t meant it?
…You don’t deserve it…
This time, though she wanted to, she had much less energy to try and fight that particular memory off. She just listened to it. Ruminated in it.
I’m sorry, Dashie… You don’t deserve it…
That exact texture to her voice, so plagued with torment…
Luckily, there was one key difference between now and the night before. This time around, the room was not quite so unapologetically bathed in darkness as it had been. They had decided to keep on a dim lamp by the side of the bed. Fluttershy had advised that such an addition to the room might soothe Rainbow’s anxiety. Apparently Pinkie had rattled about her sleeping troubles to her.
With a very reluctant and mostly fed-up sigh, she pulled her unrestng body out of bed. At least with the light, she might be able to fall asleep re-reading the latest addition of Daring Do.
Rainbow crouched and reached under the bed to find it, but her hoof brushed against a stack of crumpled papers she didn’t recognize. She stuck her tongue out and barely managed to reach the edge of the item as her shoulder scraped against the cold bedpost, pulling it out with an accomplished sigh.
Under the yellow light of the bedside lamp, a barren brown cover glared up at her. It wasn’t a Daring Do book, it was a journal. Feeling the rugged paper edges in her hooves, she found herself frozen. It was a weightless thing, like a stack of feathers carelessly bound together. An unnerving recognition sunk into her gut.
It was hard to believe it had faded from her thoughts until now. It used to be such a baby of Pinkie’s… or maybe a mother. She slept with it under her pillow for some time. Rainbow found it weird, but she had always just regarded it as no big deal. Decided it wasn’t worth mentioning. She had pretty much ignored her attachment to the thing until Pinkie had eventually put it away, stuffed up in a closet somewhere.
…When had she put it under the bed?
A flash of Twilight's mane and feathers in disarray resurfaced in her brain. Dash used to see it almost every time she looked at the journal. Her face had been pale with exhaustion, and frighteningly stern when she looked at Pinkie. Rainbow was always trying to analyze that face. How she wouldn’t look at Dash until she spoke.
Just go ahead and say it, Rainbow had prompted her at the time. Whatever it is… We can take it. She had wrapped a supportive wing around Pinkie.
Yeah Twilight, asserted Pinkie, in that familiar undaunted tone. No matter what you learned about it, there's no way it can change that much now. And even if it does, I know everything will be okay! She tucked Rainbow’s head under her arm. I’ve got Dashie and everypony else with me. And nothing could matter more to me than that.
Yeah. Same here. Rainbow had smirked at her.
It always did stick out in her mind how brief Twilight’s smile was then.
Usually, ponies were inspired by the undaunting and comically affectionate resilience they constantly displayed despite Pinkie’s condition. Other ponies even gawked at them when they saw them cackling ontop of eachother an hour after a shock, or rolling into a playful catfight over a slice of cake, or daring to enjoy a movie at the theater. When Rarity saw them being so sincere and affectionate with their words like that, she tended to shed a tear. And typically, it would put the warmest smile on Twilight’s face.
But on this particular day, it barely even presented itself.
Well alright then, Twilight had huffed with a droop of her wings and a little dip of her head before she began. But by then, whatever she had learned didn’t even seem to matter anymore. They had long adapted to it. It's not officially recognized as an illness in the medical field yet. That’s why it took me so long to find anything about it. Luckily, I was able to scrounge up some old records of cases in the Canterlot Library, back while its validity was still in contention. It wasn’t a lot, but I did extensive research on every case I could find, and eventually…
She trotted over to her study desk, shuffling through an uncharacteristically disorganized heap of books and documents. Having successfully remembered its placement, she levitated something out from the mess.
It was this scrawny, torn up notebook with yellowed pages half-hazzardly sticking out of it, bearing no name or title. It hadn’t changed much between now and then, not even the smell. As Twilight came back around with it to hand it to them, Rainbow had scrunched her nose at its old, musty scent.
Somepony I met gave me this journal, continued Twilight in a somber voice as the couple held it between them, staring just at the cover. That barren brown surface glared back, light in their hooves as a weight formed in Rainbow’s stomach. It belonged to a relative of theirs before their passing. It’s given me the most information I’ve been able to find on the condition. Everything that’s described in here… aligns with your symptoms so far. …I think you should give it a read.
Rainbow turned to its first entry now, only faintly recognizing the sporadic scribbles from the select few times she’d actually tried to read it herself. It was a violent writing style, each letter bleeding into the next like it couldn’t wait another second, each loop beneath the lines intersecting with the words below it like it simply couldn’t be avoided. The letters themselves were each so severely curved in such a way that they almost all looked the same. It actually reminded her of Pinkie’s writing a little bit, but it wasn’t similar enough that she could fly through it.
Unable to make anything out as usual, she flipped a couple pages further in, searching for a more cohesive spot.
The longer her eyes skimmed over the ecstatic nonsense of loops and dots, the farther her mind drifted from the actual page. Pinkie had told her all there was to take from it. That the shocks would become more frequent, that the pain would start to linger into daily life… Words that she knew in summary, but none of the intricacies of.
And for the first time, really examining it in her own hooves for once, that thought was starting to eat at her.
Pinkie never did tell her about a point where the pain would stop fading altogether. She never mentioned that at some point she would need to use pain killers at least twice a day. She never described a point in time where she might have to throw her beloved parties less often. And yet…
She won’t… stop crying…, it was replaying again.
Her eyes slowed to a stop at the end of a page.
She had been away to practice a show with the bolts a few months after they got the journal. Spitfire called her inside to talk to someone on the other end of the telephone-- She had stopped her in the middle of a routine for it.
The words, Mr. Cake’s sandpaper rasp trembling with concern, were permanently etched into Rainbow’s mind.
It’s- It’s Pinkie, she… She just had a shock about an hour ago, but-... She won’t… stop crying…
And she heard it. She could hear Pinkie’s sobs, though faint, from the other end. She could better make out Mrs. Cake's voice, trying to talk to her, to console her, and not at all knowing how.
Rainbow had flown straight to Ponyville with enough speed to cause a natural disaster, not even bothering to take off her uniform.
And despite everything, despite every fiber in her being electrified with the one goal to help her friend, all she could do in those first couple seconds after she actually got to the bedroom was stand there. Seeing it.
Seeing her.
Pinkie was on the floor with a ferocious grip on the journal, crinkling it against her chest like it was the only thing she had.
Her mane was straight like death, draped over her face and strewn across the floor like she’d been rolling in it. Her body heaved with rapid congested sobs, her stomach popping in and out from beneath her chest as her strangled breath fought to get out of her. Sharp cuts timidly bled out from her back legs.
Mrs. Cake looked up with water in her eyes, helplessly sitting there with her hoof on the mare’s shoulder.
We heard a crash before the screaming, her husband was explaining at the door. When we got here, she was going through a shock, but the room was already in complete disarray.
Mrs. Cake nodded toward the door to the bathroom. You should see the mirror over in there, smashed to bits and pieces. There’s even some shards covered in blood in the sink.
She walked over to the trembling pony and sat down in front of her, unsure of herself.
Pinkie Pie… It felt right to start with her name, but her throat had thinned like she wasn’t meant to. Something about the way she was crumbled beneath her made Rainbow feel like a failure, every bone in her body rigid with self-hatred.
She’d known, deep inside somewhere, that there had to be more to it than Pinkie was letting on. She did know, really, that it must have been even more painful than it was for herself, that Pinkie must have been suffering so much more than she’d ever say.
Of course she’d never burden anypony with pain like that. She was Pinkie Pie, she lived on the joy of other ponies. And their sadness killed her. So why would she have ever let it out? Why would Rainbow have expected that she’d trust her with something like that?
Most ponies probably wouldn’t have comforted her the way she decided to. She knew it was more probable that most ponies, when they saw their closest friend shattering under darkness right in front of them, would just try and shew it away. Like sweeping rain clouds from the sky. And maybe that was the reasonable thing to do, Dash couldn’t be sure. But it didn’t feel right.
Instead, she wanted to take it and hold it in her wings like a filly, well aware she may never see it again. She wanted it to feel safe with her. She wanted to love it, just like she loved the rest of that mare. Maybe that was selfish.
She had politely motioned Mr. and Mrs. Cake out the door. When the door shut, and Rainbow could hear their hoofsteps fading at the end of the stairs, she began to talk.
This thing… It’s awful. It’s Celestia awful, and I know I could never truly understand it. But I do understand that there’s no way in all of Equestria that anypony or creature could go through it without feeling sad… scared… alone, or even angry. She had reached a tentative wing out as if in an effort to provide what small shelter she had to offer. You're no exception to that rule, Pinkie. Nopony is. …Not even you.
After a beat, Pinkie’s sobs seemed to amplify themselves. Tears and snot coded her blood red face.
It’s… alright. Rainbow’s neck had prickled with uncertainty, and she felt it now too. You can feel overwhelmed. You can feel like everything sucks... You can feel like-... like all you want to do is curl up and disappear. That you just can’t take it anymore. Or that you wish you’d never been born. She stopped herself at the sudden escalation of her tone and clogging of her throat. With a silent self-soothing breath, she reclaimed herself. …You have a right to feel those things because you’re a real breathing pony. And… I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to be anything more than that.
Pinkie rose, wrapping her in an almost crushing embrace as she cried. She shook her head against Dash’s shoulder. You didn’t, Dashie, you didn’t…. I just… couldn’t stand… to make you sad… to make any pony sad… for me to be sad… Because I’m not supposed to be… not like this… not Pinkie Pie…
She had scooted the journal a distance away, face down. Rainbow acknowledged it with familiarity at the time, like she’d read it herself and felt every stain, every raggedly torn corner as she flipped through the pages. But… she hadn’t.
I get it, she murmured in response. Really, I do. And that’s why you don’t ever have to show it to anypony else if it's too hard. …But you can show it to me. I want to be that pony for you, Pinkie. I’m your partner.
Pinkie had sniffed at that, like she was finally able to breathe a little, but she cried for much longer. Her body jerked with every sob, the hug ungiving. That was the part she remembered the most, how her hooves tightened against her back like she was scared Rainbow might disappear forever. Until eventually she said something else.
I’m sorry, Dashie… You don’t deserve it… You didn’t deserve to fall in love with me if it was just gonna make you sad and worried all the time…
Even now, the words tore through her chest as though each syllable were its own dagger. Rainbow had given her best effort to dispelling the thought from Pinkie’s mind at the time, but she still wondered if it really got through.
Don’t be sorry. Falling in love with you is the most amazingly awesome thing that could have ever happened to me. She loosened so she could lift Pinkie’s head and look her in the eyes with an easy smile. So she could see how easy that smile was. You make me the happiest. And if that happiness comes with the pain of knowing when you’re not happy, then that’s just what I’ll have to bear. Because loving you is worth every ounce of pain that could ever come with it. That’s the decision I made when we got together. That’s my choice. So you don’t have to apologize for anything.
A sharp inhale and a twitch had come from Pinkie. It was followed by quiet, and then the beginning of another cry. A softer one. She stayed there in Rainbow’s grasp meekly vocalizing without any words. But to Rainbow’s soft relief at the time, one lock of her mane had come back to life.
At present, Pinkie Pie rolled over in her sleep.
Rainbow snuck a peek toward her from her position at the foot of the bed. She was dimly lit by the lamp, but her back was turned to her. The covers rhythmically rose and fell with every breath, but it was deeper than it used to be. It was something she’d gotten used to when the linger-pains snuck their way into her sleeping hours, but maybe it was far enough into the morning that she could take some more pain meds already.
Rainbow almost got to her hooves prepared to suggest it, but second guessed that thought. If she was managing sleep right now then it was probably best not to wake her.
With a quieted sigh, she turned her attention back to the journal. As Rainbow went down the many pages in an attempt to occupy her mind, she found that the writing had taken on a noticeable change. There were some instances that the words were practically reduced to ripples of water in their simplicity, the ink weaving meekly up and down in thoughtless succession. Like the writer was running dry on the strength to continue writing them at all.
She did know that the pain was getting stronger, lengthier these days. It would linger far into the days now, long after the initial shocks. It wasn’t enough to keep Pinkie bedridden, sure, but at one point or another it had gotten to be far too much for big and bold parties. Day by day, the portion that lingered grew, and day by day, it lasted even longer. Until at some point, the pain had stopped fading all together.
And then, just the other day, she just fainted. She’d woken right back up, luckily, but Rainbow and the rest of their friends took initiative and took her to the emergency room afterwards just to be safe. Nothing came of it. Nothing ever did.
Rainbow frowned. She couldn’t remember at exactly what point the pain had decided to stick around for good. She was still holding out hope that one day it would fade again, just as it had been doing forever. And with its release on her, Pinkie would bounce right back into that typical beam of maxed out energy and joy she had always gotten to be immediately after a shock in the past. Just like always.
We’re here right now, aren’t we?
...Had “right now” finally passed?
Pinkie woke up to the birds outside the window.
Her eyes faded open to survey the room lit by the morning sun, her gaze drifting over to a familiar cyan pegasus sitting on the floor.
But she wasn’t facing her. She was hunched over something.
A journal.
Pinkie’s stomach dropped at the sight. There was something deeply wrong with it.
There was something wrong with the way the journal laid open to an only halfway written page, the writing reduced to its smallest. Something wrong with the way it looked up at Rainbow, just a wasteland of empty space after the last barely written word. But more than anything, there was something wrong with the way her marefriend was sitting there, her wings fallen open like wilted flowers along her back.
Pinkie contemplated speaking.
But what would she say?
“Rainbow Dash…?” It felt right to start with her name. “Have-... Have you been trying to read that crazy writing?” She asked with an upward tilt to her tone, hoping it might be reciprocated in the response.
“...Yeah. I have been.” It was bitter and weak. Slow. “All night.”
Pinkie’s heart plunged into her stomach. She knew that journal like she knew the way around the bakery in the dark, like she knew the ponies of Ponyville. Like she knew parties.
She never wanted her to see it. She never needed to. Nopony else needed to.
Whatever possessed Rainbow to give it her full attention now must have been festering up within her for enough time to burst, and Pinkie wanted to buck herself off a cliff for not addressing it sooner.
She knew that it must have been painful for her, that she must have been suffering so much more than she’d ever say. Of course she wouldn’t show anypony, she was Rainbow Dash. All she ever showed anypony was her strength, her charisma, her awesomeness. She did know, after all this time, when she had been faking it. She just never wanted to admit it.
She wanted to believe Dash would tell her. That she’d trust Pinkie with it, if nopony else. After everything Rainbow had done for her. After everything Rainbow had said for her.
“Oh, really?” A lump was forming in Pinkie’s throat. She swallowed. “So can you understand any of it yet?”
“‘I’m going to die,’” Rainbow uttered, a sound so faint it might have been the wind, and whatever hope Pinkie had left was shattered at her recognition of the entry. “‘But its fine. It’s fine because I-... I can’t… stand it anymore,’” A shutter broke her words. She had chosen to give them a voice, but she could barely manage it.
With it, Pinkie knew. She understood everything that Rainbow understood. And there wasn’t any way to change it now.
“How long…” Rainbow’s body was trembling softly, speaking on her own now. “How bad… have you been suffering this whole time?”
“Oh, Dash…” Pinkie pulled herself upward.
“Don’t move!” Rainbow’s wings flared as she spun to her in response to the sound. Her magenta stare burned through Pinkie’s chest, melting her heart like malting lava. “Just lay back down! Don’t you dare get out of bed, you got that? I’m not gonna let you keep hurting yourself!”
And Pinkie reluctantly stayed put. She wanted very much to go toward the mare breaking down in front of her. To go and comfort the only pony in Equestria she loved quite as much as she did. But she decided she couldn’t just ignore such a desperate plea.
Dash’s head fell, a scraggy rainbow mane shielding an expression clear through her tone. “Why didn’t you tell me. If… If it was really that bad… If you needed more rest… That you’re going to-...”
Pinkie lifted her shoulders, her body tightening awkwardly. “Come on now, it isn’t so bad. I don’t feel like I’m going to go any time soon. Really--”
“You lied to me. You said it was fine! You said we could keep running around Ponyville and going on trips and rides and doing pranks and throwing parties, that it didn’t matter! That it didn't affect anything, that I shouldn't have to worry about it!” She kicked the journal to the wall with a powerful thud, and it landed upside down, crinkling the pages. “I can’t believe you would-... And I believed you when-... that night, at the party-... Ugh, you said it would be okay!”
Pinkie offered an empathetic smile. A reassuring one, she hoped. And she spoke with as much sincerity as she could. “It is okay, Dashie.”
“Well I’m not!” Her breath shot back into her throat in recoil, a sound to indicate the beginning of a sob arising all at once. Falling slowly back on her hind legs, she wiped at the cascade of tears over her face. "Not… Not ok… with losing you."
She didn’t say anything after that. Faint hoofsteps and foalish giggling squeaked across the hall from the other side of the door. The baby cakes faded in from the left, and faded out to the right.
Pinkie uprighted herself again, and tapped her hooves to the floor. She padded over to her friend. Her body disagreed with it, as it did with every movement, but she paid it no mind. She let the flame ignite in her hooves and spread to her chest, sizzling away at her bones. She let it roar on and scream at her, multiplying with each step. But before long, she was sitting at Rainbow’s side.
“Wh-what are you doing?” Rainbow murmured beneath her breath, but she made zero effort to stop Pinkie when she hugged her. She behaved utterly and completely helpless to it, like she knew she wouldn’t have been able to stop it if she tried. And it seemed to make her cry even more.
“It wasn’t a lie, silly,” Pinkie whispered.
Rainbow sniffed, her hooves still smearing across her face. “In the journal… that pain... I-I thought you said it only picked up recently. So what, you’ve been suffering every single minute since Las Pegasus? For two years? And instead of telling anypony, you just kept running around and… kept throwing parties even when you knew you were just making it worse? That you were… were…”
The last words were drowned out in her tears, something unexpectedly too painful to say out loud. Pinkie already knew what she was trying to say, but despite her hesitation, Rainbow forced herself to say the words. Like it was a poison she needed to expel from her throat.
“Killing yourself…?”
Pinkie rhythmically slid her hoof up and down her back, allowing a space of time for Rainbow to just be. A moment to breathe before she was faced with any response at all.
“The pain was so subtle at first I didn’t even notice it,” she began softly. “So it didn’t cross my mind to tell anypony. It grew really, really slowly over the span of those two years, like a tree. It grows everyday, but you never see it happen. And before I knew it, it seemed like it was too late to try and explain it to anyone, since I’d been dealing with it on my own for so long. It… was scary.” She frowned, and her softness suddenly felt like weakness. “One day I looked back at that tree, and when I finally realized just how big it had gotten, I… I panicked. I guess that must’ve been the day you left wonderbolt practice to come see me.”
Rainbow weakly draped a wing over Pinkie’s side, moving her head into her chest. “Why didn’t you stop then? When you realized it, you could have started to take things easier. You could have told me, I was right there, I wanted you to tell me everything. I thought you knew you could… I would have supported you, Pinkie. Nopony would have made you continue to push yourself. All you needed to do was say it…”
Pinke let out a relaxed sigh as a familiar wave of pain washed over her back. It always seemed so angry. But Pinkie only smiled. “Don’t worry, I know. And I knew it then too. But that day… When you told me it was okay to feel all those scary emotions I had been trying to hide for so long… It made me feel safer in my own head. And it made me feel like I could keep going, even if I sucked at it. …So I kept forcing myself out of bed. And I kept doing all the things I wanted to do. And you know, I’ve been a lot happier since then. Because of you…. I’m not as scared anymore. It hurts… It hurts a whole lot, and I wish it didn’t, but…” Her vision blurred with tears, and she wondered if Rainbow Dash could hear the smile in her voice. She wanted her to. She wanted to revel in the accomplishment with her. “But it doesn’t scare me anymore, Dashie. And… that’s a really nice feeling.”
Rainbow sniffed and pulled her in with both her wings, tightening with a fierce effort. Something she seemed unable to do with her hooves just yet. Maybe she was still angry. “But don’t you wanna live…? Even if it means you’ll be resting more… Even if it means you can’t do a whole lot. I’d be with you anyway, we’d all be with you. We’d stay with you. Don’t-... Don’t you want to stay with us?” She lifted her head from Pinkie’s chest to see her, her eyes glistening. “With me?”
“Oh, Dashie,” Pinkie cocked her head to the side with a soft smirk. “Of course I want to stay with you, silly. I would spend a bazillion gazillion centuries with you!”
“Then why-…”
“But I want it to be happy.” She whispered. “So I didn’t lie. It's okay if we keep being crazy. Being with you is the bestest, heart poundiest thing that could have ever happened to me. And if I have to feel a little pain to live that way, then so be it.” Pinkie gently took the mare’s frightened face in her hooves. “I want to do everything with you, Rainbow Dash. You’re the only pony in Equestria who can make me feel like I’m shooting up into the sky like a firework without actually doing it. That’s because of who we are. What we are when we’re together. When we’re having fun together. And that’s worth any pain.”
A sniff. “P-Pinkie-...”
“You told me that being with me despite all of this was your choice. A choice I think you were glad to make. Remember that?”
Rainbow nodded meekly.
Pinkie took the mare in her arms again, squeezing tight. She hoped that the unrelenting force of her embrace was enough to convey the utmost certainty of her words. “This is mine.”
It took a long while of quiet tears later, motionless in Pinkie's embrace, but eventually her hooves rose in defeated reciprocation. And Pinkie let out a soft breath.