> Doctor Derpy
>  by False Door
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Doctor Derpy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first thing I noticed was that I couldn't move my forelegs. I could feel a tightness just above both hooves and a dull ache that seemed to be all over. My eyes shot open to behold an unfamiliar ceiling. Then I heard the ruffling of pages near my head. Instinctively I turned to look, trying to wriggle my hooves loose from either side of my head. To my left was the googly-eyed mailmare, Derpy, flipping quickly through a book as she sat at an oddly placed table against my bedside.
The house, which I assumed was hers, was a mess from what I could see of it. There were stacks of old newspapers higher than my vantage point. I saw a bookshelf with not a single upright book upon it. The wallpaper was peeling and the light fixtures had not only three-dimensional dust but also entire ecosystems thriving on them. "Derpy?" I groaned.
She looked up at me with a start. "Oh, no. You're awake,” she quivered. “I was hoping I could do this... before you were awake."
I knitted my brow in concern. "Wh- what is going on?" I stammered.
Her eyes were looking everywhere but at me. I couldn't tell if it was out of panic or if it was just the nature of her broken eyes. "Well," she began nervously. "I'm really really sorry. You had an accident but it- it's okay because I'm going to help you."
"Accident?" I wondered aloud. "Why am I tied to your-" My words were chased away as shooting pain surged through my left hind leg as I tried to shift. I screamed.
Derpy covered her ears. "Don't- don't do that," she squeaked in alarm.
I tilted my head up, mouth agape, to look down the length of my body and saw a white bone sticking out of a bloody eruption in my leg. I could feel the blood drain from my face. "Shit," I whimpered. "Oh, fuck me."
"Don't... look at it either," advised Derpy, pushing my head back down on the mattress with one hoof.
I began to gasp for air in panic, mind racing for an explanation. I had the vaguest recollection of previously standing on a balcony and then… something.
"Derpy," I cried, turning my head back to her. "Why did you bring me here and tie me up? I need to go to the hospital!"
A look of horror came over her face and she shook her head. "No, no, no! You can't go to the hospital! If you go to the hospital, I have to file another accident report. If I file another accident report, I'll get fired again."
Well, that answered most of my questions. “What are you talking about?” I retorted angrily. “I have to go to the hospital! I can see my leg bone! Have you gone mad?”
“No, I can fix it,” she assured me. “I’m reading these books.” She held up the book that was already open so that I could see the cover. It was upside down but I could see that it read, ‘My First Body Book.’ It was clearly a picture book for young foals, not a paramedical crash course or whatever it was she was thinking.
“Is this- is this a joke?" I choked out. "It would be a horrible joke but please tell me this is a joke.”
Derpy’s ears drooped in embarrassment and I came to the horrific realization that she was actually deadly serious. I took a deep breath and began in the most level voice that I could manage. “Untie me and take me to the hospital this instant.”
Derpy reaffirmed her position, shaking her head. “I already told you, I can’t.”
“Sure you can,” I argued gently, still trying to work out of my bonds.
“I’ll never get hired by anypony again,” she moaned.
“No pony has to know. I promise I won’t tell. You don’t have to file an accident report. I’ll just tell the hospital that I was clumsy and fell.”
“But it’s company policy. If you go to the hospital, I have to file a report.”
“No, you don’t,” I shook my head frustratedly.
She leaned in so that her face was hovering over mine, staring down with what I interpreted as a dire expression. "Yes... I do."
“Ugh, I grunted. Are you seriously telling me that you preforming surgery on me is a better option than just pretending this never happened?”
“Yes.” She pulled away and went back to her book.
Everypony knew that Derpy was a little off but right now she sounded like a total nutter. Illogical as her thoughts were, it didn’t matter. She was in charge here  I was completely at her mercy.
This isn't happening. This isn't happening, I desperately tried to convince myself. This is a bad dream. Vinyl Scratch was probably hotboxing the living room again and I'm just passed out on the sofa. I moved my bad leg gingerly and felt another lightning bolt shoot through me. I groaned through clenched teeth. Nope. That feels pretty real.
"We need to put your bone back in," began Derpy, holding an illustration in front of my face. "According to the book, bones are usually inside your body."
"Oh, learned that from the book, did you?" I chuckled humorlessly.
She moved on down the bedside, turning her attention to my compound fracture.
"Oh no. Please don't," I begged. "Just let me go." I began frantically yanking my forelegs away from the headboard posts, trying not to agitate my wound with my movements.
Derpy frowned over the injury in careful deliberation. "Okay, we just need to-" She looked away squeamishly and without warning pushed her hoof straight down upon the break, shoving the bone back in with a detectable grinding sensation. The resulting pain was mind blowing. My deafening scream caused Derpy to flinch like a frightened filly and she covered her ears.
With her hoof gone, the wave began to subside. My mental faculties returned, heralded by a string of obscenities. “CELESTIA ON A BIKE! YOUR MOTHER’S A WHORE!” Fuck, Derpy! Why?”
We both looked at the injury which was in no better condition than before, the bone still poking out defiantly, a fresh bit of blood oozing out. All that pain. All that stupid, pointless pain.
"That didn't work," she moaned sadly, scratching her head. "I'm sorry."
Before I could make another snide remark on her methods, Derpy drove her hoof into the break with more force than before. My vision faded to black as my entire world condensed into a singularity of unfathomable suffering. That one second assault on my leg was an eternity in fire. The rabid howls which escaped my mouth were not my own. When I returned from the extremities of corporeal perception, I could feel warm blood pouring over the sides of my leg.
Terrified of the results, I looked down again, panting, drained, weeping. Derpy had her hooves on the sides of her head in a panic.
"It's not working. I can't put it back in." She looked around the room frantically. "Don't- don't worry, I can still fix this." She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.
The wound looked just the same but with more blood. I let my head flop back on the mattress and tried to catch my breath, weakly struggling with my restraints. As incompetent as she was at most things, I had to admit that I was utterly confounded by these straps.
Derpy returned from somewhere and I heard a loud thunk on the wooden table. I rolled my head to the side to see a nasty old power tool, a reciprocating saw sitting casually beside me. My eyes widened in horror. "Uh, D- D- Derpy, what is this for?" I stammered. 
She sat in the chair, flipping carefully through the tool's instruction manual, struggling to get her eyes to focus on the words, shaking her head to force her orbs to rattle back into alignment if only for a few moments.
"I can't get your bones back together," she began. "So I'm just going to cut off the bad part of your leg."
My blood ran cold.
"Don't worry," she continued. "I know that cutting off legs is something they do."
Another wave of adrenaline fueled desperation broke over me but what good was it? How could I fight? How could I flee? “You know what?” I proposed with put-on and not at all convincing calmness, “I don’t need to go to the hospital after all. I can just fix my leg myself. Can you please just release me and I’ll go home and… fix it by myself?”
One of her eyes looked up at me, the other apparently still poring over the instructions as if somehow they'd bestow upon her the proper way to amputate a limb with a power tool. “I don’t believe you.”
She was right to doubt me. Of course I’d go to the hospital. Her logic on everything else was still rubbish though.
"This plan doesn't make any sense!” I argued. “Everypony will ask what happened to my leg. They'll know there was an accident!"
"But it's fine as long as you don't go to the hospital,” she countered.
My eyes narrowed. "Derpy, if you cut off my leg, so help me, I will make certain that you not only get canned but that you never find work in Ponyville again!"
Her mouth dropped open in shock. "Why would you do that?" she cried. "You know how hard it is for me to hold down a job. I'm trying to help you."
"Help me my hoof!” I growled. “If you wanted to help me, you'd allow me to seek professional medical care at a hospital."
Derpy frowned angrily. "You know, no pony saw what happened. No pony knows you're here."
I bit my lip at the shocking veiled threat against me. What could I say to convince her that this was a horrible idea for both of us? I could tell her she'd go to prison for this which was absolutely true but she already seemed to be on the verge of deciding I was too much trouble to 'save.'
"HELP!" I screamed. "HELP! SOMEPONY HELP ME!" I didn't know where Derpy's house was located but surely somepony had to be within earshot of me. But I'd already screamed as loud as physically possible and I hadn't even heard so much as a knock at the door. Although I knew she wasn't around, I saw a very clear mental picture of Vinyl listening to loud music on her headphones, never able to hear when I called her in our flat.
“It'll be okay, Octavia," Derpy assured me, a glazed look in her eyes. "You’ll still have three complete legs and you’ll still be able to play the saxophone.”
“Sax- saxophone?” I sputtered in disbelief. “I play the cello. They’re not even in the same… Saxophone?” I glared at the ceiling. I must have been going mad as well because this seemingly irrelevant comment somehow irked me enough to occupy my brain over serious bodily harm and the threat of losing a limb. I’d never even touched a bloody saxophone. I couldn't even recall playing in an ensemble which included a saxophone. It felt like my passion and entire life’s work had been called into question. It was probably just another Derpy gaffe but what if the truth was that no pony actually ever noticed what I do… Saxophone?
I looked back at the saw and felt terror and hopelessness but also anger. “This is your fault!” I charged. “Why do I have to suffer for your screwup? You should have your leg chopped off!”
Derpy slammed her hooves on the table, nearly knocking the tool to the floor. "Don't say that!" She screamed. "I'm not a screwup! It was an ACCIDENT! I have a job and a house! I can go to the store by myself! I didn't spill the flour, daddy! It was the cat! IT WAS THE CAT! She began ripping at her mane in a frenzy, shrieking all the while.
What in the Everliving Fuck I thought, staring in terror as she leapt from her chair and began bashing her own face into the wall. I winced at every impact. The drywall cracked and then crumbled away, revealing the studs underneath. Derpy collapsed on the floor, exhausted, hyperventilating. She gasped and muttered broken sentences that sounded like fragments of old conversations where she played both parts.
"Y… you're... not going... to the… fair, Ugly... But… I can… my… my own… huh... ticket…….. No."
I had lost my presence of mind and just laid there petrified, never having witnessed such an outburst, not from Derpy, not from anyone.
Minutes passed as I vainly worked on my restraints. Suddenly, Derpy rose silently to her hooves, her face smeared in blood from cuts, maybe even a broken nose. "I'm really sorry," she said in her usual meek and apologetic tone. "I feel… feel better now."
"Derpy, you need help," I whimpered.
"No, you need help," she replied, trying to eye my injury with her swiveling swollen orbs. She gave a long pause, wobbling a bit as she stared into space, trying to remember where we were in the midst of this ludicrous project.
"Okay," she muttered to herself before sauntering off.
I flexed my forelegs tightly, trying to stretch out the straps and loosen them but had to stop abruptly as the other ligatures pulled on my hurt leg.
Derpy returned and curiously placed a pair of safety glasses over my eyes with her mouth. "The instructions say to wear safety glasses," she explained.
"Please stop," I cried. "You don't know what you're doing!"
"I read the instructions," she replied. "They didn't say but this might hurt." She started up the saw with a deafening drone and promptly dropped it on the floor as it jittered out of her grasp.
"Oops," I heard her say as the motor cut out. "Stupid- stupid Derpy again," she mumbled to herself. "Be more careful."
I could feel my heart beating in my throat as I mounted one last concerted effort to free myself. 
The saw revved again as Derpy hovered the device just over the break in my leg. She shook her head again, trying to get her eyes to behave. The blade was so loud that I could no longer plead for her to stop and I could scarcely hear the sound of my own scream.
> Gag Ending
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, bracing for the filthy blade to part my flesh. Suddenly the roar of the saw cut out again and I heard a boom.
“Surprise!” came a great shout from all around me.
I opened my eyes confusedly to see over a dozen ponies gathered around all sides, smiling down at me.
“Happy Birthday, Octavia!” blasted Pinkie Pie, as her confetti began to sprinkle down upon me.
Everypony waited excitedly for several moments for me to speak. “My… birthday is in two months,” I muttered bewilderedly.
“It’s an early surprise birthday party!” shouted Pinkie.
“I don’t understand… what this is,” I replied weakly.
“It’s an early surprise birthday party!” shouted Pinkie.
“Have you all gone completely insane!” I exploded. "This isn't how surprise parties work! I was injured, knocked unconscious and then abducted by Derpy who subjected me to unimaginable pain and torment and made me believe I was going to have my leg cut off without anesthesia and possibly die! I screamed for help and you all just stood there in the next room?” My voice began to crack as my vocal chords became hoarse from overexertion. 
“Yeah,” laughed Rainbow Dash smugly, “but it was all fake. You were safe the whole time.”
“All- all fake?” I stammered. “The pain was real! Look at my fucking leg! Look what Derpy did to her own face!”
Derpy, who was still bloody and battered, had put on a party hat. “I almost thought you knew when you asked if this was a joke,” she smiled dumbly.
Time Turner squinted down at the protruding bone in my leg. “Oh my, that is actually rather nasty.”
“It’s fake,” argued Rainbow. “Rarity did the makeup. Look, it comes right-” She swatted the bone and recoiled as I screamed in pain once again. “Oh, shit, it is real,” she said, wide-eyed.
“Release me from this mattress so that I can kill all of you,” I hissed, my whole body shaking with rage.
Pinkie Pie screwed up her face and shrugged. “Well that doesn’t sound like a good trade.” The whole crowd laughed with her while I fumed. “Don’t you want to open your presents first?”
“Oh, goodie, presents,” I chimed in sarcastic elation. “What did you get me? I hope it’s replacement friends.”
“Wow, way to appreciate all our hard work,” scoffed Bon-Bon.
“Show her the cake,” proposed Lyra excitedly. “She’ll love it.”
“Okie dokie, loki! Feast your eyes on this!” commanded Pinkie, tilting an open pastry box for me to see.
Vinyl immediately swiped her hoof along the edge to steal some frosting.
I grudgingly looked and saw a surprisingly mediocre square white cake that read ’Happy Birthday, Octavia!’ over a carefully frosted- My eyes widened. “A fucking saxophone!” I blurted, aghast. “What is this? None of you know anything about me!” I screamed, my eyes scanning over the lot of them. “I play the cello! I PLAY THE CELLO!”







My eyes shot open to behold a familiar ceiling, hazy though it was. Bass beats were blasting in my ears and vibrating through the couch cushions into my back. I coughed from the hash fumes and rolled over to see Vinyl sprawled out horizontally over a chair across from me. She was looking up at the ceiling flailing her hooves with the beat as if she were conducting.
"Oh, thank goodness," I sighed. "This makes much more sense." While I was annoyed that Vinyl had poisoned the living room again, I was happy that everypony didn't think I played the saxophone. I did need some fresh air though.
I slid my legs off the sofa and stood up, immediately stumbling onto my haunches. "Bloody THC," I muttered. When I looked down I saw one leg and one bandaged stump ending above the knee. I gasped in horror.
"V- Vinyl!" I shrieked, scrambling awkwardly to my hooves. "Vinyl!" I screamed again, trying to jar her from her feel-good stupor. "What happened to my leg?"
Finally she made eye contact with me. She thought for a moment and then pointed at the coffee table. I followed her hoof curiously to a folded newspaper. When I looked closer, I saw that the front page showed a picture of Derpy's apparent mugshot under the headline 'Mailmare Mutilator.'
"But, but I thought it was just a dream," I whimpered. I continued reading the article. Local mailmare, Derpy Hooves arrested for abducting, mutilating Ponyville socialite and amateur saxophonist. 
I slammed my hoof on the coffee table. "I play the cello! Has all of Equestria gone mad? I've played the cello for well over a decade! It's right over-" I pointed to my corner of the room where sat a glistening saxophone on a stand. My mouth dropped open.
"Vinyl!" I screeched again. "You're masterminding this conspiracy against me, aren't you? You've been telling everypony lies!" I shook her with just one hoof so I could remain standing. "It's not funny!" I continued.







My eyes shot open as I was jostled awake by my bandmate.
"Vinyl! Wake up you lazy slob!" called Octavia, still shaking me. "We're on in five. You can't be sleeping now."
A round of applause swelled in my ears and I suddenly remembered we were backstage at the Twilight Velvet Blues Club. I sat up in my folding chair and rubbed my face with my hooves, watching my pinched brassy reflection in Octavia's sax as it dangled by the strap.
"Octy, I just had the weirdest dream. You were in it. You were so funny," I giggled.
"Oh, Vinyl," she sighed. "Tell me about it after the show over brandy."