Final Entire
February 9th, 2022
Having a friend leave you can be crushing, especially when that friend is someone who you always looked up to since childhood and tried your best to be like her but no matter how hard you tried. You never could. For me that pony was Twilight Sparkle. As a young filly there were only two things that I cared about, Magic and reading which kind of go hand in hand now that I think about it. I’d often find myself studying hard about the basics of magic. My parents took note and sent me an application to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. As I and my parents were waiting this purple blank flank unicorn caught my attention. Something about them just pulled me in not sure what though, maybe it was her mane? Probably the mane since I would later go on to style mine after hers. Anyways, after I got accepted into Celestia’s school the two of us were coincidently put into the same along with assigned next to each other in chemistry class which was where our friendship started. Twilight was unlike any other unicorn I met you to that point. Not only was she just as passionate about magic as me but she was super smart. Heck smarter than me which back then made me a bit jealous but thankfully I quickly got over it since I learned to look up to her and she damn well knew about this, so the two of us started studying together during lunch which eventually lead us to hang out after school which made me realized how much the two of us were alike. The two of us would often find ourselves talking for hours about our favourite books and spells along with talking about our future. I don’t remember what our original plans were after school but what I do remember is that no matter what got in our way, we would still get through it together. Though as we got older my parents started to neglect me which made me start to feel worthless and depressed. You might think this is where Twilight came in to remind me that I was loved right? Well yes, but only for a bit before she started talking to me less and less. The few times she'd talk to me it was usually just a “Hi” or whenever I asked if she wanted to hang out. Twi would always give the same excuse
“Oh sorry, I have a lot of studying to do''.
It felt more like she just didn’t want to see and wanted to stop being friends without telling me upfront. This is where my mental health started taking a nosedive. My depression only worsened as my parents neglected me by the moons. Though I tried my best to stay strong and believed that maybe one-day things would get better which, they did for a short period. One day at school the class was assigned a project that I don’t even remember what it was? Something to do with the Unicorn and the horn or something. But in class, I was usually the one to be left out with the teacher pairing me up with some other pony which was no different here.
He partnered me up with this Yellow unicorn named Lemonheart. Who’d I only recognized from that moment a couple of years ago when she got her head stuck in a test tube. Though funny enough we kinda clicked, not to the point of me and Twilight but to a level that we would want to hang out during lunch. Eventually, she’d invited me out one day to a doughnut shop with her friend group. In that group of 6 ponies, one stuck out. That was the purple mare I'd grown close to in the past. This made me hopeful that I and Twilight reconnected on the same level. The same level we were back when we’re Phillies and the perfect opportunity was right around the corner. My birthday was coming up, a part of me had the feeling that this would be the one, the day we’d finally reconnect and have fun like we used to. I just knew it! This party didn’t have to be a good one, it had to be a bang to reunite our friendship. I went all out, having a big space rented out in Canterlot for me and my friends with food, candy, and even a pinata. Though… that work would go to waste since… she didn’t show up…
Twilight was someone who I looked up to dearly as not only as a role model but as a friend. A friend who was there to make me laugh, one to help me out with anything school-related, and most importantly. Someone who loved me. When my friends broke the news my heart fell into a million pieces. All this work to try and rebuild our friendship with this big party was all for nothing. That was the straw that broke the camel's back except I was the camel falling into an endless hole of depression.
Being stuck in your room for days as your parents shout at you for being lazy doesn’t help. Along with that, I shut myself from all my friends No I don’t have friends. Nor deserve any after what happened with me and Twilight. Nothing in life can cheer me up, not even reading or, well scratch that last bit. Apathy has thrown that hobby right into the depths of hell. No motivation to eat most of the time nor leave my room with the weight of my thoughts ancoring me down. Though every once in a while I’ll come downstairs to eat something since we all gotta eat and hydrate am I right… the only thing I do have the motivation to do is take care of my hygiene well except for brushing my teeth. Funny enough the shower is where I have the most time to think along with reflecting about everything only second to my room. Not sure why but hey everypony is built differently. I often find myself looking back on the past few years of our friendship to find little inconsistencies with our friendship.
More so caused by me. How I didn’t seem to engage with Twilights hobbies I didn’t have an interest in, how I often struggled with boundaries between us and giving us some space, and the copious amount of venting I did to her. She already knew I struggled with depression and told me that she would be here for me if I needed someone to talk to. Guess I took it a bit too far, she was clear before how one rule Twilight had was that to warn her before venting. Unfortunately, I didn’t respect her boundaries which I guess is why she didn’t come to the party and ran away from Canterlot to become the Princess of Friendship in Ponyville. I just want to die so badly… All I’ve done is hurt those closest to me along with bringing them down with such misery because of me along with my problems to the point where I lost everyone including my parents, and because of that what’s the point of living. Since after all, I lost all of the people in my life that loved me before I fucked it all up. WHY, WHY MOONDANER? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A SCREW-UP OF A MARE?!? All you’ve caused is pain… Pain pain pain on the ones around. From your mental problems to boundaries, looking up to one pony that you treated as your therapist until she finally had enough and ran off. Which now looks at her, because of you she became the Princess of Friendship. If that doesn’t show that don’t deserve to live then I don't know what will…. It’ll probably be best to end my life and besides. All I’ve done is sit in my room and do nothing. Wasting my life away second by second as all my ex-friends are off being productive and successful. Meanwhile, there’s me sitting in their room doing nothing besides morning over the loss of my dear friends. Moondancer, the time has come. No more crying and time to leave this world. To anyone who finds this diary I just wanna say. I’m sorry for causing so much pain to everyone.