Weird and Clever
“Unicorns are very interested in philosophy.”
Izzy’s grave tone caused her friends to stop sipping their teas and smoothies and listen. It didn’t sound like this was leading up to a joke. Sunny, Zipp, Pipp and Hitch were sitting with her at the pink flower-shaped tea table in her tree home. They looked back with blank faces.
“Books on metaphysics and cosmology are very popular. Unicorns love to get together for discussions on philosophy and science. There are lots of debates in the forest salons and tea rooms. We love to ponder big questions like: What is the purpose of life? How did the Universe begin? Will we ever find a Theory of Everything?”
Her friends just stared back without comment.
“The Bridlewood Festival of Philosophy is one of the biggest events in our calendar. It’s attended by hundreds of unicorns from all parts of the forest. They come to meet friends and listen to discussions about life, the universe and everything. Oh—and there’s a party in the evening—with music.”
Sunny and Pipp smiled. Zipp raised an eyebrow. Hitch noisily sucked up a smoothie through a straw.
“I signed us all up to do a debate there.”
Every pony flinched. Hitch sprayed a mouthful of raspberry and apple juice into the air in front of him.
“You did what?”
Izzy grinned.
“It’s a great opportunity. We get to go on stage and sit and chat and show every unicorn watching how all three pony kinds can be friends. I’ve always wanted to do a debate at the festival. I ask them every year, but they never invited me before.”
For a moment her friends remained silent. Sunny was the first to recover.
“That’s great Izzy. Of course we can do this together. We can do a panel to show how great it is to be friends. Right everypony? We’ll play our part.”
There was another moment’s silence. Pipp was next to come on board.
“I get it! It’s like a fan convention panel. I can do that. I can livestream it and get some new unicorn subscribers. And you said there will be a party?”
Izzy nodded. “And they agreed that you could perform a song. I just had to promise that I wouldn’t try to organise any karaoke.”
Pipp fluttered her wings and hopped up and down on her hoop-tips. “This will be wonderful! I must write a new song for Bridlewood. Something to let each unicorn know how much I love them.”
Sunny was now beaming brightly. “Can we talk about whatever we like?”
“Well….” Izzy laughed nervously. “Not exactly. We’re supposed to debate a question. I pitched them a few ideas: How can we make sure magic stays in Equestria? Do we need to rip out all the pages of our history books? But they didn’t go with those.” She paused. “Actually, they weren’t going to invite us, but then Professor Bing Boson had to drop out as he has a problem with his heart and they couldn’t find anyone else, so they asked if we could cover his debate.”
“What was his question?” asked Zipp.
“Oh—something sciencey.” Izzy waved a hoof to brush the question aside, but Zipp kept looking at her. She lit up her horn and floated a piece of paper out of a desk draw together with a large pair of reading glasses. With the paper and lenses lined up before her eyes, she read the text: “What is the future of particle physics research?”
“What?” cried Sunny, Pipp and Hitch together. Zipp took the letter and scrutinised it.
“Can we change that?” asked Sunny.
“No,” said Izzy. “But don’t worry. They always give these debates pretentious titles to make them sound important. Half the time the speakers will go and talk about something different anyway.”
“Hey—I can work with this,” said Zipp.
“You can?” said Sunny.
“This is my jam.” Zipp smiled and read out the brief.
What is the future of particle physics research?
Chair: Prof Bing Boson Izzy Moonbow
For many moons the Standard Model of Particle Physics has been the establish theory to explain the world in terms of particles and forces. It successfully predicted the discovery of quarks and the Higgs Boson. But the search for further particles has failed. The model says nothing about dark matter or gravity. Is the Standard Model fatally flawed and is it time to replace it with a new theory?
“Zipp, what does all that mean?” said Pipp, feeling the frustration she always suffered when her sister was acting cocky.
“Particle physics is the science that looks at at the tiniest particles of matter and how they interact,” said Zipp, with the voice of one who suffered fools gladly and enjoyed educating her little sister. “The Standard Model has been a really successful scientific theory. It’s been tested in experiments by smashing together high-energy beams to create new particles, like the Higgs Boson, which was the last big discovery. There haven’t been any fundamental discoveries since then, but we know there must be something new out there as there are so many things that aren’t explained by the Standard Model—like gravity. I’ve looked at the recent work done by unicorn and earth pony scientists, as well as pegasi. The experiments we’ve done are slightly different, but the results are the same. Nothing new for many moons. So…”
Her voice changed to a conspiratorial tone to indicate that she was about to propose something medium sneaky, “…we just need to spin the story, as Mom says, to explain how, if all ponies work together as friends, we could build bigger experiments, and have a chance of discovering some exciting new science.”
She looked back at the paper. “It will be easy breezy.”
“That’s great Zipp,” said Sunny. “Alright everypony. Let’s do this together!”
The four mares put their hooves together in a gesture of solidarity. Hitch realised that no one was paying attention to him.
“Looks like we’ll have some interesting debates at the festival this year.” Alphabittle stood behind the bar at the Crystal Tea Room, polishing the counter by pushing a cloth with his hoof while levitating cups and other objects out of the way. A few unicorns sat in silence holding on to their teas. “I got tickets for the big ones. Looking forward to hearing about the latest theories of the universe.”
He stared at his customers to see if anypony was game for a philosophical discussion. “It’ll be good.”
“Yay.” The unicorns sat at the bar dutifully nodded their heads in agreement.
Alphabittle floated his festival programme up from the counter and looked at the schedule. “Hey Izzy it says here that you’re chairing a debate.”
Izzy stopped blowing bubbles in her milk and looked back with a wide grin. “That’s right. I’m doing it with Sunny. And Zipp and Pipp and Hitch. We’re going to show everypony that we’re right.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. Sunny is great at talking to a crowd. She speaks from her heart.”
“And she knows about particle physics?”
“Pffft. We can learn whatever we need to know. We’ll show everyone how all pony kinds are meant to be friends.”
“That’s not how a debate works Izzy,” said Alphabittle. “The speakers are supposed to take different positions and argue their corners with robust logic. A good debate should be a heated discussion. In the old days, the speakers would sometimes have to be restrained when they locked horns. I remember when Stable State and Cosmos Bloom debated the Big Bang model back in ’49. That was a blast. Then there was last year’s match with Fookle and Frong about artificial intelligence…”
Izzy had a different opinion on what made a good philosophical discussion. “Those two just keep slagging each other off to help sell their books. You know they share the same agent? We’re better than that.”
Alphabittle paused for a moment to think, then smiled softly.
“I assume the audience can participate and ask questions, as usual.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Good. This will be fun. I took some courses on fundamental physics when I was a young scholar. I’ve been waiting for a chance to have another game with that average-height friend of yours. All in the spirit of a friendly competition between fellow ponies, of course.”
“Sunny can win any game. She’s the best. She beat you at your Ultimate Challenge.”
“I think you’ll find I won two out of three.” Alphabittle was known to be able to smell fear. Izzy grinned and hoped the lavender scent she was wearing would be enough to mask hers.
“I’ll tell you what,” continued Alphabittle, crouching down to bring his head to a level just a little above Izzy’s. “I’ll give you some help. It will make things more interesting.” He turned to a shelf behind the counter and levitated a book onto the counter. Izzy read the title: Fundamentals of Particle Physics.
“Something I won in a game with Professor Bing Boson. I’ll lend it to you.”
Izzy laughed nervously.
Sunny and Hitch walked together along the seafront, followed by the seagull and crustacean members of the Maretime Bay police force. On one side the sunlight sparkled off the sea. They could hear the waves breaking against the rocks. Ponies strolled along the promenade in small groups of friends, some licking ice creams or sucking on smoothies. Usually this scene would have Hitch smiling at everypony, happy in the knowledge that the community was safe, protected by their handsome sheriff. At this moment, however, he had other things on his mind.
“How do you get me into these things? All I wanted was to be a good sheriff. To uphold the law and keep everypony safe. Then somehow, I find myself trotting off on crazy adventures all across Equestria, making friends with unicorns and pegasus princesses. And just when I think things are returning to normal, I find I’ve been signed up to go on stage and talk about particle physics and philosophy to a crowd of crazy horned hippies with a fear of saying mayonnaise! How did this happen?”
“Hitch, we should do this for Izzy. And all our friends.”
Sunny’s calm response, with a hint of a pleading tone, caused Hitch to stop talking and turn to face her.
“Izzy wants this,” she continued. “You heard her. She wants to show unicorns how all ponies can be friends. Who better to do that than us? We can do it after everything Izzy’s done for us. If she hadn’t come to Maretime Bay we would never have become friends and never have brought magic back. If we have to learn a bit of science so we can talk like unicorns, we can manage that.”
“You really like Izzy, don’t you?”
“Of course! She’s—” Sunny paused. She had been about to say that Izzy was her best friend, but that seemed a bit undiplomatic as until recently, Hitch had been her best friend. True, that was because Hitch was her only real friend in Maretime Bay. She doubted that he felt any jealousy towards Izzy, but it made her think. Hitch had been her friend for a long time, even when everypony else had left her. But things were so different with Izzy around. She could just feel her sparkle, as Izzy called it, shine when her best unicorn friend was near.
“Okay, I know,” said Hitch kindly. “I’ll try to do something.”
Before Sunny could reply he was distracted by something else across the street.
“Hey! That’s litter! Pick it up!”
He rushed off to deal with the violation of Code 33, followed by the rest of the squad.
In a clearing in the middle of Bridlewood, a stage had been set up with seating for the speakers. Around this, unicorns were gathering. In the high tree branches, birds, joined by squirrels and other woodland critters, were lining up and jostling each other to get the best spot and tweeting profusely about the coming debate. Behind a thin canvas screen, tied between two trees, the panellists tried to prepare.
“While I love the shabby-chic style,” said Pipp, “I think they sometimes take it a bit too far in Bridlewood. Does anyone have a mirror? I thought there would be a make-up artist here.” She had propped her phone in the fork between two branches and was looking at the self-view camera image while padding powder onto her face. “How can we properly get ready when we can’t properly see what we look like?”
“Right,” said Zipp in her calm and cool manner. “I thought you said going live was showing the authentic you without any editing.”
“The authentic me wants to look her best for the audience.”
Izzy had her glasses on and was reading her notes. “Okay… Quarks: up, down, charm, strange, top, bottom. Leptons: electrons, muons, taus, neutrinos. There are different types of neutrino. I think I got this. Why is the Higgs not on this list?”
“The Higgs is a boson,” said Zipp. “That’s a list of fermions—the particles that make up matter.”
Sunny picked up that her friend was not quite her usual self. “Is everything okay Izzy?”
“I…” Izzy put down her notes and looked at Sunny. “I just… I really want this to go well. For all of you. I thought it was a great idea at first. But… We’re not particle physicists. Are we all going to look like fools?”
“That’s nonsense,” said Sunny. “We can do this.”
A unicorn wearing a cap and head-mic stuck his head behind the curtain. “Is everypony ready? You’re on now.”
Sunny looked at each of her co-speakers in turn. “Izzy, as the panel chair, you introduce us all. Zipp, you know the most about particle physics, so you speak first after Izzy. Then I’ll go. Then Pipp. Then Hitch.” She narrowed her eyes. “We got this.”
The five ponies walked onto the stage and took their seats. Izzy on one side, Sunny in the centre, and Zipp, Pipp and Hitch on the other side. The bright coloured foliage of the giant Bridlewood trees surrounded the stage. In front on this, a hundred unicorn faces were watching them. Izzy sat down and tapped a microphone.
“Hello and welcome everypony to this afternoon’s exciting debate. My name's Izzy. Our question for discussion is: What is the future of particle physics research?”
Izzy noticed Alphabittle standing in the front row. She felt a pang of anxiety and countered this by asking herself what would a brave pony like Sunny do. Be cool. She leant back in her seat and put her rear hooves on the table.
“For over two hundred moons the Standard Model of Particle Physics has been our foundation for understanding the universe. We know all the matter around us is made from elementary particles. Everything is made of atoms, which are made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. Protons and neutrons are made from quarks. We know there are six different flavours of quark, as well as electrons, there are muons, taus, and other things like neutrinos. These interact by a number of fundamental forces. And there’s a Higgs Boson thrown in there somewhere.
“But the theory does not explain outstanding mysteries such as Dark Matter. The quest to find more particles and derive a Theory of Everything has failed. Maybe the Standard Model is fatally flawed. On the bright side, we’ve had a lot of fun testing it, but is it now time to throw it out and replace it with something else? Or can we take the existing theory and unicycle it into something better with glitter, tape, and superglue?
“With me to discuss this, we have a panel of experts. Our first speaker, to my right, is Sunny Starscout. Sunny is one of the brightest young stars of the Maretime Bay intellectual scene. A renowned earth pony astronomer who has authored many books and journal articles and won many awards. Her revolutionary ideas have caused a sensation across Equestria.”
Sunny, who had been listening closely with her eyes fixed on the panel chair, wondered who Izzy was talking about.
“Sunny reunified unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies, and brought back magic,” continued Izzy. “And she makes great smoothies. Next, we have Princess Pipp Petals. Pipp has been described a Triple Threat: a philosopher, physicist, and communicator, who is also a top singer and dancer with a mega popular video channel.”
Pipp waved a hoof at the audience.
“Beside Pipp, we have Princess Zephyrina Storm. Zipp combines her role at the top of Zephyr Heights, with an active programme of scientific research and athletics testing the limits of fundamental physics.”
Zipp nodded, smiled, and winked at the audience.
“The final member of our panel is Sheriff Hitch Trailbrazer. Hitch is known for his scientific integrity and attention to the laws of physics, as well as those of Maretime Bay. He is the star of the town’s bestselling calendar.”
Hitch turned his head and modelled the pose that featured in the said calendar.
“I will now ask each of our speakers to present their thoughts on the question: What is the future of particle physics research? Zipp, please start us off.”
Izzy’s confident introduction had helped the other speakers to relax. All eyes turned across the stage to Zipp, who smiled calmly.
“Thank you, Izzy,” she said. “The future of particle physics is searching for new scientific phenomena beyond the Standard Model. Not because the Standard Model is flawed—almost every experiment done to test it has done just what the model predicted—but because we know it can’t be the final theory. There are too many unanswered questions. It says nothing about one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of our time: Dark Matter. We know there is a lot more mass in the galaxy than that of all the known matter, so there must be some unknown particles out there as well. The model also fails to explain what happened to the antimatter in the universe, and it says nothing about gravity.
“Since we know it isn’t the final theory, there must be some sort of New Physics out there waiting to be discovered. Yet no new elementary particles have been found for many moons. Maybe they will not show themselves so easily. But there are other ways. We also expect to see some indirect sign of new particles. If we take precise measurements of particle properties and show that don’t match the theory, that would also be a sign of New Physics. If we are to move forwards, we need more experiments to identify the cracks in the Standard Model.”
Zipp concluded her speech by winking at the audience again.
“Thank you Zipp,” said Izzy. “We need to find the cracks in the model before we can think about how to stick it back together. Next Sunny, let’s hear your take on the future of particle physics.”
Sunny faced the audience and began her prepared speech.
“Zipp has explained that we are haven’t seen the progress that we wanted to see. Particle physics experiments haven’t discovered any new fundamental particles for a long time. Why not? The truth is it is getting harder to do these experiments. All the particles that could be discovered with small experiments were found long ago. We need to do more. Any New Physics must lie at the highest energies, so it will take super high energy particle accelerators and castle-sized detectors to find it. Building these will need lots of ponies working together.
“If all pony kinds work together we can build better experiments and probe the mysteries of our universe. We can combine our strengths. We can put together unicorn craftsponyship, pegasi technology, and earth pony industry. A future collider will need high electric field accelerating cavities to drive protons to tera electron volt energy levels. It will need huge superconducting magnets to bend the beams around. Then vast arrays of silicon to track the hundreds of particles flying out from a collision. But if we all work together, we can do it.”
“Go Sunny!” said Izzy. “Next, let’s hear from Princess Pipp.”
Pipp tossed her hair and smiled at the cameras.
“Hi every pony. Thank you Izzy for such a sweet introduction. I love how you styled your mane by the way. Big shout out to all the Pippsqueaks out there. Pipp-Pipp-hooray! I love you guys so much.
“Where were we? Oh, yes, particle physics. Isn’t this quest to understand the mysteries of the universe amazing? I just love to stand on the castle roof on a dark night and look at the stars. It just fills me with awe to think about how far away they are and how much we don’t understand about them, and the special place that ponykind has in the universe.
“Sunny’s idea of doing more experiments together is a wonderful idea. We can build the biggest particle laboratory ever. Pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies can do this together.
“It’s a beautiful idea that everything in the universe can be described using a simple mathematical symmetry. But we’re not there yet. The Standard Model is a mess of mathematics. It’s not the elegant theory we want. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could find a Theory of Everything that would describe all the particles and forces in the universe? I really hope such a theory exists and we can find it. Pipp-Pipp-hooray!”
“Pipp-Pipp-hooray!” Izzy took the cue and cried out the catchphrase, as did all the loyal Pippsqueaks watching on their hoofsets in Zephyr Heights. The local unicorn audience were a bit confused and nodded their heads politely.
“Yay.”
“And now,” said Izzy. “Let’s hear it for our last speaker, Hitch Trailbrazer. Over to you Hitch!”
At this point Hitch was distracted by a couple of finches who had landed on his head and a young squirrel trying to climb up his leg. He looked around and wondered what he was supposed to do.
“Err… Hi… Err… Was I supposed to prepare something? The future of particle physics? My guess is it will involve searching for more particles, and maybe discovering some new ones. Using particle accelerators. Yes, particle accelerators, which, accelerate particles, that is, make them move really fast. Then we let them smash together to test the model Somehow…”
Izzy tried to help Hitch. “Would you say the Standard Model is flawed?”
“Well I guess, the Standard Model is, the model that has become the standard thing for particle physics. Because, it’s, standard, and a model. If the particle accelerators haven’t seen what the model said we would see then I guess it is sort of flawed.”
Hitch stopped talking, unsure what he should say next. The adoring squirrel rubbed itself in his fetlock hair.
“Okay,” said Izzy, trying to give a confident smile. “Thank you to all our speakers. So, to summarise, What is the future of particle physics research? Zipp has explained the problem—there must be some new scientific phenomena waiting to be discovered, something beyond the Standard Model, but we haven’t seen anything like this yet. Where can we go from here?
“Sunny has a plan. If unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies all work together, we can build an even bigger better particle smasher to search for new particles or some other sign of New Physics, which may lead us, as Pipp says, towards a beautiful new Theory of Everything. Now would anypony in the audience like to ask a question?”
Alphabittle stood up. Izzy waited a bit hoping somepony else would do so. Nopony did. A little armadillo ran across the stage with a microphone on its back and delivered this to the questioner.
“Thank you, Izzy,” said Alphabittle, in a courteous voice underscored with an unmistakeable menace. “My question is: why should we believe particle physics has a future? We haven’t seen any real progress for years. Unicorns haven’t discovered any new particles, and neither have earth ponies, nor pegasi. Why should we expect new experiments to deliver anything other than more null results?”
This was a short silence. Izzy laughed nervously and looked at her friends.
“Does anyone on the panel want to answer Alphabittle’s question?”
Sunny looked at Zipp. Everyone else looked at Sunny. She took a deep breath.
“Collider experiments are the best way to search for new particles,” she said. “It’s true they might not find anything. They can only create particles with masses up to the energy of the collider. If there aren’t any new particles at those energies, we won’t see anything. But a null result is still an important result telling us something new, and we can then look to build a higher energy machine. We have to try.”
Alphabittle stared at Sunny with increasing hostility. “It's just a waste of time. And you’re just misleading ponies to suggest otherwise.”
“We have to try,” repeated Sunny, feeling less confident. “This is exploration. If we build a higher energy collider, we can see if there is any New Physics in its reach. If we don’t, we will never know.”
“There is no evidence that there are any new phenomena within reach,” said Alphabittle.
“Wait a moment.” Hitch stood up, walked forward to the edge of the stage and looked Alphabittle in the eye. “How can you expect evidence an experiment will deliver something before you do the experiment? Isn’t the whole point of doing an experiment to find out something new?”
“We don’t need any of your experiments.” Alphabittle clearly did not like the Maretime Bay sheriff getting involved.
Hitch stood his ground. He didn’t know much about science or philosophy, but he would always be there to stand up for other ponies when they needed someone with his good looks and confidence. He was the sheriff. He fixed his eyes on Alphabittle. “You can stay in your tea room talking philosophy. You can think about doing science. You can think about thinking of doing science. While we are ready to actually do some science.”
A line of birds, squirrels, rabbits, and an elderly hedgehog had assembled on the edge of the stage, attracted by Hitch’s performance. Their tiny squeaks encouraged him. He raised his head with a broad smile letting the light glint off his teeth.
“We will not be deterred by the neighsayers. We will build a faster, higher power particle accelerator. We will collide particle beams like they have never been collided before. We will smash protons into tiniest quarks than any philosopher was yet seen. We will peer into the smallest scales you can imagine. We will decipher the mysteries of the universe once and for all.”
At this the crowd of woodland critters cheered—or at least squeaked—louder than ever. The unicorn audience caught their enthusiasm and stomped their hooves in support. Hitch grinned proudly.
“Thank you. Thank you.”
Sunny looked at Izzy. “What just happened?”
Izzy looked just as confused. “Did Hitch just say we are going to build a particle accelerator?”
The sun had set and the moon had risen above the trees. The clearing was alight with the magical glow of horns and crystals, as well as thousands of glow worms who had festooned themselves around the stage. The ground was crowded with unicorns, chatting with friends or watching the dancing.
Izzy and Sunny looked down onto the stage, which had been transformed into a dancefloor, where Hitch and Pipp were showing off their moves. No other pony could get past the ring of adoring animal fans to join them.
“I didn’t know Hitch was such a good dancer,” said Izzy.
“He sure is,” said Sunny. They were lying side-by-side on cushions on a tree balcony with a view of the whole clearing. There was a cool breeze, but they could feel the warmth of each other’s flanks.
“These unicorns are much more cheerful now,” said Sunny.
“Yeah,” said Izzy. “They got their sparkle back. And it’s the music. Now our musicians can use magic to move the keys of their keyboards and clarinets and things, the Bridlewood music scene has really picked up.”
“They really liked Pipp’s song,” said Sunny.
“Can you see Zipp?” said Izzy, scanning the crowd for their other friend.
“She’s over by the bar,” said Sunny. “It looks like she’s talking physics to Alphabittle.” Zipp had borrowed a blackboard from the bar staff and was scribbling equations with chalk to explain the details of Quantum Field Theory. “I hope he’s not mad at us.”
“His sparkle is bright,” said Izzy. “It’s just a game to him. He’s now taking wagers on whether we will actually build a particle collider.”
Sunny rolled over and rested the back of her head on Izzy’s neck. She looked up at the stars, twinkling between the top branches of the trees. “So if we can’t do this, ponies are going to have to pay him?” She looked dismayed. “Oh no, what has Hitch gotten us into now? How did he get this idea that we would set up a laboratory ourselves?”
Izzy twisted around, moved her face closer to Sunny, and gently kissed her on the nose. “Relax. We can do this. It will be our next adventure. We brought magic back to Equestria. Now we can take on the mysteries of the universe.”
Sunny smiled, but was not convinced.
“But Alphabittle was right. There is no evidence there is any New Physics within reach.”
“No,” said Izzy. “As Hitch said, if there was already evidence, we wouldn’t need to find it. We are exploring the unknown and who knows what we will find? Maybe we will discover particle dark matter or solve the mystery of what happened to the antimatter? If not, we’ll have a lot of fun trying. We just need to build a particle collider.”
“But how can we do that?”
“I can do it.”
“You can?” said Sunny.
Izzy nodded. “I will need the help of my pegasi and earth pony collaborators. We will need some radiofrequency electromagnetic cavities, superconducting magnets, a helium liquefier, silicon wafers, scintillator crystals, three thousand kilometres of electrical cabling, a big power supply, and a tube of glue.”
She paused and tried to think of what she had forgotten.
“Oh, and glitter. Lots of glitter.”