> The Chocolate Job
>  by GTthe4th
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The Plan
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sunlight streamed through the open window and fell upon the sleeping face of the mare in the bed underneath it, and she hissed and threw the blankets over her face. Still the morning was persistent, and a rooster crowed outside the window. The mare growled and clutched at the covers tighter.

Then the alarm clock, ever faithful and true, performed its sole duty with as much grace as its mechanical heart could muster: as loudly and obnoxiously as possible.

The mare roared, and precisely three microseconds later, yet another soldier of the Third Alarm Clock Brigade had joined its fallen comrades in the garbage bin in the corner of the room. Still, it had done its duty admirably, and the Princess of Grumps had been awoken from her slumber.

Throwing off the covers and letting out a long sigh, Starlight Glimmer arose and glared at the sun out the window (before quickly realizing this was a bad idea and hiding her eyes). Celestia seemed determined to kill her today, so rather than give her the satisfaction, she closed the curtains, let out an elated snicker at her genius, and slipped back under the covers.

The door to the room burst open, and Spike’s charming, boyish voice sang out, “Good morning, Starlight!”

“I CAN’T WIN!” Starlight screamed into her pillow, before throwing it at him.

Spike ducked without missing a beat or losing his smile, stepping into the room with a mug of coffee held in his claws. “A case of the Mondays, I gotcha,” he said cheerfully, placing the mug on the night table. “Sorry about this, but Twilight wants you downstairs as soon as you’re ready.”

Starlight groaned as she lit up her horn, the mug floating towards her lips. “If it’s not Chrysalis invading Equestria again, Tirek blowing up a mountain, or the Storm King coming back from the dead, I don’t want to hear it. I told her three days ago that today was going to be my day off from world-ending catastrophes.”

“Relax, Starlight, it’s not that bad, she just needs you to run an errand for her this morning.”

“Why not just send you?” Starlight asked, sipping at the coffee.

“Because I’ll be doing a deep-clean of the library today, and considering its state after last night’s study session, it’s gonna take me at least the entire day. When Twilight goes wild with her theorizing on metaphysics, she really goes wild,” Spike replied, before noticing how dark the room was. “Jeez Starlight, it’s a beautiful day, get some light in here for once.” With a swift, practiced motion, he swept the curtains open, letting Celestia’s sun once again strike the mare in the face like a tungsten hammer to a gelatin anvil.

Starlight hissed again and covered her eyes with a hoof, glaring down at Spike in righteous fury.

Spike, to his credit, took her anger in stride and whistled a merry tune as he began walking out of the room. “Oh, and watch your step this morning,” he called over his shoulder as he disappeared down the hall.

Muttering dark, arcane curses under her breath in the Unspeakable Tongue, Starlight drained the last of her mug and trotted over to the room’s adjoining bathroom to start her morning routine. Wash face, brush mane, brush teeth, polish horn, and bleach eyes.

She admittedly added that last part only to spite Celestia’s sun today.

A few moments later, she returned to the room a rejuvenated (if still annoyed) mare, and quickly got to work in making her bed and getting ready for the rest of the day. Depending on how important it was, Twilight’s errand was going to put some of her own plans with Trixie on hold, but she was hopeful that her magician friend would understand.

Then again, it was Trixie.

Starlight sighed again, this time in resignation of her well-deserved, predictable fate.





The first thing Starlight noticed about the castle foyer was how busy it was this morning. Normally at such an early hour Ponies would still be waking up, but today about a dozen of them were roaming about the castle, carrying crates and pushing carts down the halls. Even a makeshift crane had been installed to lift up the heavier objects when a Unicorn wasn’t available.

And in the center of it all was Pinkie Pie, of all Ponies, wearing a yellow hard hat and directing the workers like a foremare, clipboard in hoof.

“A little to the left…no, MY left, silly! Rivet, that crate doesn’t go there, it goes over here! Careful with that one, Camshaft, that’s some very delicate machinery you’re carrying there. Carry it like you carry your sister…in, um, buckball! Yeah, buckball, we’ll go with that,” Pinkie was shouting over the din, zipping from Pony to Pony without breaking a sweat or stopping to catch a breath. “Hi Starlight!” she said as she galloped past the stunned Unicorn.

Starlight’s horn lit up, and her magic pulled the still-galloping Pinkie back by the tail until she was running in place in front of her. Pinkie looked down at her hooves, wondering why she wasn’t going anywhere, before glancing at Starlight with an innocent smile. “Yes Starlight?”

“What…is going on?” Starlight asked slowly, looking over the busy foyer in confusion.

“We’re preparing defenses, silly!” Pinkie replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Defenses,” Starlight echoed, blinking. “Here. In the Castle of Friendship.”

“Yup!”

“...Dare I ask why?”

“Twilight has a very important package coming today, and she’s worried that somepony might steal it, so the other day she ordered a whole lot of modified party cannons from yours truly, and we’re installing them now.”

“Aren’t you a baker?”

“Baking’s just my day job.”

Wisely deciding she wasn’t even going to touch that one, Starlight looked over at the sheer amount of crates stacked in the foyer and raised an eyebrow. “So, what is in this package that she’s packing enough heat to level half of Equestria faster than Tirek on a magic high?”

Pinkie shrugged and smiled wider. “Sorry, can’t give it away. She made me Pinkie Promise not to tell anypony, and I ain’t gonna go back on my word, no ma’am!” Whipping her head around to the left, she hollered, “Valve Spinner, not--!”

A loud explosion sounded throughout the castle, and a Pony fell from the overhead railing and landed on one of his coworkers with a muffled yelp and a thump, small bits of crystal and wood showering them all.

“...There,” Pinkie finished lamely. “I knew I should’ve told him that the explosive confetti proximity mines were a liiiiiittle finicky when being installed, especially near stairs. Not lethal, but definitely surprising. Oopsie!”

Starlight sent her a long, drawn-out stare.

“Oh yeah, I didn’t mention those, did I?”

“Nope.”

“Well, she ordered those too. I don’t know why.”

“Just…tell me where she is right now,” Starlight sighed, rubbing her temples. By Celestia, she was already reaching her insanity limit for the day.

Pinkie nodded over to the main hall. “Throne room, she’s directing operations there. And speaking of directing, I need to get back to work, soooo seeya later!” Before Starlight could say anything more, Pinkie vanished with a puff of pink smoke, dashing off to parts unknown.

Starlight rolled her eyes skyward and prayed for strength, before trotting past all the workers towards the main hall. Behind her, a party cannon went off in an Earth Pony’s face, sending her flying out a window with a startled squeak from the sudden rush of air, much to the merriment of her coworkers.





Starlight entered the throne room, fully expecting it to be covered floor to ceiling in cannons or hard-at-work Ponies. What she didn’t expect was the massive bubble shield surrounding the Cutie Map, or the laser security system being installed, or the fact that Twilight was dressed in hazmat garb. Several cameras had been strung up in the tree root chandelier on the ceiling, all of them aimed at the entrances, windows, and table.

Starlight raised a hoof, a mistake as it turned out, as it went through one of the lasers. Instantly the room sprung into activity, as several panels slid down in the walls and revealed cannons and Ponies, all aiming directly at her. After a moment, she sat back and raised her other forehoof with a roll of her eyes.

“Relax, guys, it’s just Starlight,” Twilight sang happily, her horn flashing under her helmet. The lasers turned off, and the Ponies returned to their hiding places with their cannons.

“Twilight, what are you doing?” Starlight demanded, stepping over to her. “You know this is my day off, right? Why do you insist on doing these things at the worst possible times?”

“I’m sorry, Starlight, I really am,” Twilight said, removing her helmet and hugging Starlight with one hoof. “But this couldn’t wait.”

“What couldn’t wait?”

“These,” Twilight replied, motioning to the Cutie Map with a wing. A box, hidden under an invisibility spell, revealed itself.

It was a box of chocolates.

Starlight stared. Then she blinked. Then she rubbed her eyes and stared again. The box was still there. “You’ve got to be kidding…”

“I’m approximately twenty percent more serious than when I told you that you could be my student.”

“All this, all of the cannons, all the secrecy, the beefed-up security, the land mines…all for a box of chocolates?!” Starlight squeaked out, her jaw dropping.

“Not just any chocolates, Starlight,” Twilight said. “Germane chocolates.”

“I don’t care if they were…wait…did you say…Germane chocolates?”

Twilight nodded, and a smile grew on her lips. It would have been endearing had it not been also for the loose hairs sticking out from her mane, giving her an unhinged look. “And not just any Germane chocolates. These are home-made, hoof-crafted, custom-designed, very expensive chocolates, the ones that aren’t normally available to the public. Celestia and Cadance shared their provider with me a couple years ago.”

With every word Starlight’s jaw dropped lower, and her tail began wagging. “C-can I…?”

“Nope.”

The light left Starlight’s eyes, and her beating heart froze at the cool and refreshing temperature of negative ten thousand degrees, shattering it instantly. She flopped to the floor and stared at Twilight with pleading eyes. “But why?”

“Because every time I order these particular chocolates, somepony keeps stealing them!” Twilight replied with indignation, quickly hiding the box under a new invisibility spell. “For two years, I have not been able to taste them, and Celestia has told me that Ponies have even fought wars over their taste, which is why it’s only available for royalty these days. She’s told me that to eat all twenty is one of the rarest things a Pony can do in her life, and that the exquisite burst of flavor in your mouth is like liquid Elysium, which means that somepony out there has been feasting while I have to settle for factory-made muck! But tonight is gonna be different. Tonight, at midnight exactly, I will finally have what has been denied to me for years! Nopony is gonna steal this batch! Not now, not ever, HAHAHAHAAAA!”

“You’re doing your whole mad scientist thing again.”

“I don’t care, HAHAHA!”

Starlight sighed and rose to her hooves once more. “Fine, be selfish for one day, whatever. Why did you call me down here, though?”

“HAHAHAH--hmm? Oh, um, right, that.” Twilight fluttered over to Fluttershy’s throne and lifted up a package with her magic. “I need you to run a few errands for me today. Just for today, I promise you can have tomorrow off.”

“But tomorrow Trixie’s going to a show in Baltimare, I can’t wait another day!”

To her credit, Twilight paused and did look a little guilty at that declaration. “Oh, that’s…bad timing. I’m sorry.”

“It’s very bad timing. I won’t be able to see Trixie for weeks, and we had planned this day since last Friday. Can’t you have somepony else do this?”

Twilight sighed, looking at the ground. “I’m sorry Starlight, but it has to be you.”

“Why?!”

“Because the Pony who wants this package is in one of the alternate timelines you created.”

Starlight’s jaw dropped again. “Excuse me?”

“It’s Princess Luna…erm, Nightmare Moon, I guess,” Twilight explained with a blush. “She contacted me a few months ago, and said she needed my help with--”

Starlight raised a hoof. “Gonna stop you right there.”

“It’s all perfectly legal and for a good cause, I swear!”

“I’ll do it.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up. “You will?!”

“Yes, because you’re my friend and I owe you one for that whole time travel debacle,” Starlight said. “On one condition.”

“Anything!” Twilight cried, before backtracking, “Well, besides the chocolates, that is.”

“If you’re ever crowned the ruler of Equestria, Trixie and I get to keep the castle.”

“What, is that it?” Twilight exclaimed. “Deal! Besides, what’s the chance of that ever happening?”

Pinkie, who was passing by the throne room on her way to the kitchen, poked her head inside and stared at Twilight and Starlight when she heard Twilight’s exclamation. The Alicorn and Unicorn stared back. Pinkie blinked, stuffed a hoof in her mane, and pulled out a clipboard. Flipping a page over, with the title reading “script”, her eyes darted over the words before she giggled and returned to work.

Starlight and Twilight looked at each other, and Starlight shrugged. “Pinkie Pie.”

“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight agreed, shaking her head.

Starlight trotted over to the exit, the package hovering behind her. Just before she left, however, she turned around and asked, “By the way, why the suit?”

“Hm? Oh, this.” Twilight tugged at the suit’s neck and reattached her helmet. “I’ll be patrolling the throne room myself, and this is for if somepony decides to throw in some knockout gas.”

Starlight sent her a deadpan look.

“It pays to be prepared!”

“Riiiight…”





(That afternoon…)

Trixie didn’t usually consider herself a patient mare, but she was willing to go the extra mile to wait for her friend. After all, unlike the Alicorn Princess of Friendship Who Shall Not Be Named Out of Spite, Starlight Glimmer had a bad habit of being tardy at times. Nevertheless, Starlight always kept her promises to meet her for their scheduled events. And so, sitting on the bench in front of the Ponyville Park’s only fountain, Trixie waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

She checked the watch on her fetlock, seeing the little hand resting over the one. Still she waited, calmly opening up an afternoon newspaper and reading.

The little hand drifted down to the two. Still no sign of the Unicorn, and the crosswords had all been filled.

Finally, Trixie couldn’t take it anymore. Growling and slapping her trademark magician’s hat on her head and draping her cloak over her back, she hopped off the bench to leave, just as a blue portal opened up next to her. She stared at it only for a moment before Starlight flew out of the portal at blinding speeds, slamming into Trixie and sending them both tumbling into the dirt, the portal closing up after her.

“Finally!” Trixie bellowed as the two rolled to a stop. “Do you realize how long Trixie has been waiting for…for…ummm, Starlight?”

“Ugh…” Starlight picked her head off the ground and looked at Trixie. “Yes Trixie?”

“Trixie gets that we’re close friends, but Trixie doesn’t think she’s ready to be this close to anypony yet, least of all in public.”

“Huh?” Starlight looked down, and realized that during their fall, she had accidentally splayed out over Trixie’s body. Her face was inches away from Trixie’s. Blushing, Starlight got to her hooves and offered a hoof forward. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to--!”

“Relax, Trixie takes no offense,” Trixie replied with a smirk, lifting herself up with Starlight’s help. “Besides, it was a little comfy. It just wasn’t the best time.”

Starlight blinked, and then shook her head. “Riiiight, ahem, anyway, sorry I’m late. Are we still on for that theater play?”

“Starlight, that was two hours ago.”

“What?!” Starlight looked down at her own watch, then checked the sun’s position in the sky. She let out a groan and slapped her forehead with a hoof. “Dang it, not again! Stupid time travel!”

Trixie raised an eyebrow and frowned.

Starlight sighed. “I’m sorry, Trixie, Twilight needed me to do an errand for her using my modified time travel spell. You know, the one I nearly destroyed the world with?”

“No, no, Trixie does not, but please continue, this is interesting.”

With a cough, Starlight continued, “Yes, well, I had to take a package to an alternate version of Nightmare Moon that Twilight met. Turns out that she and Twilight have been in contact for some time, something to do with stabilizing all the timelines and possibly something more, since she looked rather happy and bashful when she got that package. Anyway, she’s actually not that bad once you get to know her. Kinda benevolent…in a twisted, maniacal sort of way. Polite too. Offered me tea and everything when I got there.”

“What kind?” Trixie asked, her ears perking up.

“...Black, why?”

Trixie made a face. “Bleh, mare of poor taste. Earl grey for life. Please continue.”

“You’re awfully calm about this.”

“After the crazy things Trixie’s seen? Nightmare Moon offering tea to a time-travelling mare is peanuts.”

“Fair point,” Starlight conceded. “Well, after leaving on surprisingly good terms, I hopped through a time portal and ended up on another alternate timeline. Turns out this one had a Princess of Humility in it.”

“Humility?” Trixie hummed. “That’s a new one. Who was it?”

Starlight shifted on her hooves, wondering how much she should say. Finally, she decided on the only proper course of action. “...Some mare. Didn’t catch her name,” she lied.

Trixie shrugged, nonplussed. “What happened next?”

“Well, it took me eight treasure quests, several headaches, two weeks, sixty-nine coffee breaks--”

“Nice.”

“Shut up. It also took one Changeling invasion, one rogue steampunk Dragon, and no less than five close calls with death, but I finally made my way back here. And I STILL managed to miscalculate my timeline trajectory and miss the play!” Starlight kicked a pebble out of her way and into the fountain, splashing an unfortunate stallion in the face. “All this because of Twilight and a stupid box of chocolates!”

“A…box of chocolates?” Trixie echoed.

Starlight sighed and sat down on the bench. “Twilight got a box of chocolates today from Germaney, and she turned the Castle of Friendship into a fortress in order to protect them.”

“That seems a little excessive, even for Miss Smartypants.”

“WHERE?!” Starlight screeched, eyes wide and afraid. Several nearby Ponies, upon hearing the name as well, dove behind benches, trash cans, trees, bushes, and even into the fountain, all terrified.

“Twilight,” Trixie amended in confusion.

“Oh…right,” Starlight muttered with an embarrassed blush. “Don’t say that name again. Bad memories for the town, Twilight told me. Bad enchantments. Anyway, apparently these chocolates keep getting stolen from Twilight, and she’s determined not to let this batch out of her sight until she’s ready to eat them at midnight precisely. And with Spike preoccupied, that left her with nopony else she could count on to deliver the package to the alternate Nightmare Moon, so I needed to go. I guess I could’ve refused, but I owed her one, and I didn’t think it would end up becoming a huge deal.”

“Hmmm…” Trixie hummed, looking at the Castle of Friendship on the near horizon. “What’s so good about these chocolates that she thinks all that is necessary?” she asked, her curiosity piqued.

“Well, these chocolates are considered the greatest chocolates ever made, so good that wars have been fought over them.”

“That’s pretty darn good.”

“No, that’s pretty darn bad.”

“Yes it is, now please continue. What sort of defenses does she have?”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Modified party cannons, proximity mines, laser defenses, mercenaries, even hazmat suits for knockout gas. I think I even noticed the walls and windows being reinforced with steel too, as well as Spike etching some protective runes into the hallways as I was leaving.”

“Veeeery interesting. Anything else?”

“...The chocolates were on the Cutie Map, hidden under an invisibility spell, and shielded with a highly-focused energy field. Why the sudden interest?”

“Oh, just a crazy little idea of Trixie’s,” Trixie replied, a smug smile forming on her lips.

“Why do I get the feeling I’m not gonna like this?” Starlight wondered aloud.

“Starlight,” Trixie said, putting a hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “We may not have gotten the day we wanted, but by Celestia, we’re gonna get an evening to remember. We’re gonna steal those chocolates, as compensation for Twilight putting you through Tartarus for a couple hours.”

“Two weeks,” Starlight corrected.

“Right, time travel shenanigans, Trixie has such a flimsy memory sometimes. She might need to go to a professional about that, but not today! Today, she becomes a mastermind!” Without a word, she spun on her hooves and marched away from the fountain, heading down the path towards the park’s exit.

“Where are you going?” Starlight called after her.

“To Trixie’s wagon, where else?” Trixie hollered back. “That orb inside ain’t gonna ponder itself, nor will the heist plan be formulated without a little bit of scrying reconnaissance first!”

“You’re gonna get us both in trouble!” Starlight cried, chasing after her. “What will I tell Twilight when she sees us breaking in?”

“Be great and powerful, do crime!”





Sweeping her hoof across a crate and sending a deck of cards, a candle, and an empty mug tumbling to the floor of the wagon, Trixie rolled out an improvised interior blueprint of the Castle of Friendship and pressed it against the crate’s surface. “Alright, Starlight, we’ve got about nine hours to pull this off, are you ready?”

“I can’t believe you talked me into this…”

“Oh stop whining, you’re about to get your sweet revenge.”

“I’m going to get caught, put on trial, and then sent to the glue factories in the Frozen North!” Starlight retorted. “To say nothing of what they’ll do to you.”

Trixie shivered. “Eugh…glue factories, Trixie hates glue.”

“Good, we’re on the same page, now let’s just forget this ever happened and--”

“AND make sure that we don’t get caught!” Trixie finished with a cheer, pointing to the blueprint. “Now, how many hired thugs, erm, guards did you say you saw when you left?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “About fifty or so?”

Trixie raised an eyebrow and looked out the wagon window at the Castle. “Fifty? In that little thing?”

“It’s a lot bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.”

“Huh, just like Twilight Sparkle’s ego, it suits her,” Trixie remarked.

“It sure suits somepony, alright,” Starlight snarked.

“Right, so fifty guards, and Twilight Sparkle in the throne room, on the ground floor,” Trixie said, pointing at the throne room. “That rules out the direct approach. Did you see their movements?”

“No.”

“That’s it? No?”

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Starlight asked, stamping a hoof on the floor. “I was on my way out, and I didn’t think that the rest of my day would consist of being lost in the space-time continuum for two weeks, nearly dying several times, and then stealing from not only my mentor but also one of my closest friends out of petty revenge. Revenge that YOU insisted I take, by the way. All I was thinking of at that moment was how to deliver the package and then get back in time to take a short nap before the play, which I think I still need.”

Trixie sighed. “Very well, Trixie can…work with this, somehow. We might need to think out of the box a bit, but it can still be done.”

Starlight threw her hooves up in the air. “Screw it! I said my piece, and she still insists. Ladies and gentlecolts, I hereby throw in the towel. What’s your plan, Trixie?”

“You sound very annoyed.”

A vein popped out of Starlight’s head, and her left eye twitched. “Ooooooh, trust me girl, I’ve got about two weeks’ worth of steam to blow off.”

Trixie clapped her forehooves together. “Good, good, Trixie can use that anger and steam to do great things!”

“The plan. What is it?”

“Right, right, here’s what Trixie has so far: Twilight isn’t dumb, but she’s also not as smart as she thinks she is, because she’s now met her match in Trixie! She thinks that nopony would be dumb enough to try to directly steal the chocolates, so that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.”

“...So that’s your plan?” Starlight asked, looking down at the blueprints. “Just…march in and take them?”

“No, that’s what you will be doing,” Trixie answered. She then pointed to herself and twirled her cape. “Trixie, on the other hoof, will be sneaking around the Castle’s backside and slipping in.”

“I wish you didn’t phrase it that way.”

“Then, once Trixie is inserted, she will do her best to be as slick as possible to reach the core,” Trixie continued without missing a beat.

“Are you doing this on purpose?”

“And while Trixie is doing that, you will lead the guards away from the main floor, and try to trip as many traps as possible, thus giving Trixie protection in her escapades.”

“You do realize the point of a plan is so that we don’t get caught, right?” Starlight groaned. “Also, that’s three.”

“Aaaand, while you’re doing that,” Trixie continued, her smirk growing wider. “Pinkie will bring up our rears and make a new hole.”

“Seriously, do you even know what you’re say--wait…Pinkie?”

Trixie nodded. “Mhm! Trixie will bribe her with the sweet taste of the chocolates, and she won’t be able to resist. She’ll tell us how to trigger the traps safely. Then, while Trixie swoops in to steal the chocolates, Pinkie will distract Twilight by drilling into the Castle from below, thus allowing Trixie the time to disable the shield, grab the chocolates, and then slip back out the way she came before Twilight realizes what happened to her.” She reared up on her hind legs and cheered. “What do you think?”

Starlight stared at her, and then facehooved. “You really want to know what I think?”

“Yes.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Positive?”

“Just say it already!” Trixie yelled.

“...This is the dumbest, weirdest, most unrefined, most hopeless, most incomplete, most useless, and without a doubt the most horribly-designed heist plan of all time,” Starlight deadpanned.

“Soooo you’re on-board then?”

Starlight blinked twice, then grew an evil grin reminiscent of her old ways. “Buck yeah, this’ll be the most fun I’ve had in ages. And when it inevitably goes south, all I’ll have to do is plead temporary insanity from having been lost to time for two weeks.”

“Will Twilight buy it, though?”

“To sell it I’ll just say that I saw you as an Alicorn princess in one of the timelines, she won’t be able to refute my claim of insanity then.”

Trixie squealed with laughter and hugged Starlight to her. “Oh Starlight, that’s genius! She’ll never believe that. Heck, even Trixie wouldn’t believe it. This is the greatest plan!”

“Famous last words,” Starlight giggled.

When the two separated, Trixie looked out the window once more at the Castle of Friendship. “Now all we have to do is prepare. We’re gonna need black suits, rope, masks, smoke bombs, illusions, and cupcakes.” She turned to Starlight, a large, sneaky grin plastered over her face. “Lots of cupcakes.”
> The Result
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trixie lowered the binoculars over her eyes and held a walkie-talkie to her mouth. “This is Best Pony calling Equalizer and Underminer; report in.”

“Underminer present!” Pinkie’s voice squeaked over the other side.

“Yeah, I wish you’d given me any other name except the one that totally isn’t a reference to my villainous past,” Starlight grumbled. “Way to be a supportive friend.”

“Tr--ahem, Best Pony thought it was quite clever,” Trixie replied.

“So did I~!” Pinkie sang.

“Don’t patronize Best Pony…”

“Look Trixie, I don’t know where Pinkie got these things, but I highly doubt anypony else is listening in,” Starlight remarked in an annoyed voice. “Besides, we’re three of the most recognizable Ponies in Ponyville, fake names aren’t going to change that. Just get on with it already.”

“Oh sure, you can go save Equestria a dozen times--”

“It was one time.”

“--But the minute Trixie decides to have a little fun--”

“You were there by my side!”

“--You decide to rain on her parade!”

“Awww, there was going to be a parade?” Pinkie whined. “And nopony told me? Shame on you, Starlight, for telling the Pegasi to pour rain on Trixie.”

“Pinkie, that’s no--”

“SHAME!” A bell rang somewhere in the distance, signifying 10 PM.

“There is no parade!”

“Focus, you two,” Trixie warned, bringing up the binoculars again and staring at the Castle gates. “The guards are changing again. Starlight, move in!”

Starlight sighed over the line. “I still think this plan sucks.”

“Trixie thought you agreed to it?” Trixie asked.

“I agreed to the heist, not the plan; there’s a difference.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Do you want the chocolate or not?”

“You’re asking me this NOW?” Starlight deadpanned.

“And is this a general question for everypony?” Pinkie asked. “Because I for one would LOVE--”

“Pinkie, get to your position and wait for Trixie’s signal.”

“Yes ma’am! One drill, coming up…soon, that is. Heehee!” There was silence for a moment, followed by her asking, “Just, um, what's the signal?”

“You will see Trixie’s face in the sky.”

“Naturally,” Starlight snarked.

“Okie-dokie-loki!” With a click, Pinkie’s line went dead.

“Are you done?” Starlight asked after a moment.

“Are you in position?”

“Yes, have been for some time now. The guards are either crazy, blind, or deaf, or a combination of all three, because somehow I’m like three hoof-lengths away from them and they still haven’t noticed me or heard me talking. Twilight might be smart, but I think her brother taught her how to save on her money a little too well.”

“Ha-HA! Yet another foolish mistake from a foolish, treat-hoarding Princess! Score another one for the blue-collared Ponies!” Trixie cackled.

“...Trixie, have you been spending time with Tree Hugger again?”

“Enough talk, let’s heist!”





Starlight rolled her eyes and shut off her walkie-talkie, putting it away in a satchel at her side. She moved a few leaves from the bush she was hiding in away from her face, peering out at the four guards nearby. It was as she said, the guards were stupid. Shockingly handsome, but stupid.

“I shall take this shame to my grave…” Starlight muttered, crawling out of the bush from behind and standing up. Putting on a false smile, she waltzed up to the guards and waved. “Yooooohoo~!”

As if by magic, every ear attached to the guards perked up, and their eyes went wide. Starlight giggled (while mentally facehooving) and fluttered her eyelashes. One guard’s jaw dropped. “You boys wouldn’t mind it if I stepped inside, would you?” she asked with a lilting voice.

Trixie, I swear to Faust, I will spend whatever years I have left on this world in getting payback for this. And then I will find a way to become the Alicorn of Time just so I can do it all over again.

A fifth guard opened a slot in the gate and peered through. Unlike his cohorts outside, this one narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Sorry ma’am, but Princess Twilight has orders to keep all Ponies, Dragons, Yaks, Kirins, Alicorns, Donkeys, Mules, Deer, and every other creature under the sun and moon outside of this castle. The aforementioned list includes you.”

“But I live here,” Starlight informed him, stepping closer.

“Orders are orders, ma’am.”

Starlight gave an exaggerated pout. “So that’s it, then? After all I’ve done for Equestria, saving it from the Changelings, becoming Twilight’s trusted student, and doing so much around town, this is how I am treated? A mare can’t even roam the halls of her own castle?”

“It’s not your castle,” one of the outdoor guards corrected, only for the other three to leap at him and shush him.

“Orders are--”

“Orders, yes, you’re a good little soldier, I get it,” Starlight sighed, turning away (and mentally cringing again). “Well then, I suppose if I am to be kicked out, I must become a hermit, ever wandering the wastes of time and space alone. Unwanted. Forever. A lone, lonely, lonesome loner.”

“You could just ask for a room at the inn tonight,” the inner guard offered with a shrug. “Not that hard.”

“Inn’s full.”

“Derpy’s place?”

“She has family over.”

“Trixie’s wagon?”

“She’s…busy.”

“Berry Punch’s bar?”

“Closed.”

“This early? Dang, she must’ve hit the hard stuff again…what about Applejack’s?”

“Too far.”

“You can teleport.”

“You can let me in.”

“Orders are--”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake!” one of the outside guards roared, spinning around and tapping a hoof against a green crystal by the door in specific places. “Broken Record, I’m opening the door.”

“You’ll do no such thing!” the inner guard yelled.

“I’m not gonna let some poor mare sleep in the streets, not even for one night,” his cohort retorted, pressing his hoof against the crystal one last time, causing the door to open and Broken Record to fall flat on his face.

Starlight smiled and stepped over Broken Record’s fallen body, giving the helpful guard a slow, sly wink. “Thank you, you wonderful stallion.”

He gave her a goofy grin and a salute in return, while his fellow guards rolled their eyes.

Starlight walked slowly into the Castle foyer until she was out of sight, and then she promptly groaned, braced herself against the wall, and slammed her head repeatedly against it.

“This. Plan. Sucks!” she murmured with each slam. After she had blown off enough steam, she set down her saddlebags and pulled out a form-fitting black suit and mask, putting them on. She then slung a coil of rope over her shoulder, as well as a bandoleer of smoke bombs. Finally, she grabbed a cupcake from the bag…and ate it in a single bite. The plan might’ve sucked, but she was grateful that Trixie decided to pack some cupcakes for each of them.

“Starlight, you in yet?” said Trixie over the line.

Starlight pulled the walkie-talkie out and growled, “Yes, Trixie, I’m in.”

“You still sound very annoyed.”

“Well, what did you expect, I just paraded myself in front of four guards like I was some prom horse.”

“The Saddle Arabians wouldn’t like you.”

“The Saddle Arabians…would be right, that was uncalled for,” Starlight admitted.

“And what’s this I hear about a parade?” Pinkie asked, joining in.

“Pinkie, there’s no parade, go back to radio silence!” Starlight hissed.

“Awww…” Click.

“Just stick with the plan, Starlight. Trixie is almost in position now, and once she is, she will be joining you soon.” Starlight heard the sound of a blowtorch being lit over the radio, followed by metal being sheared off.

“And until then, I just need to go around and deliberately spring every trap I see as if I was an idiot,” Starlight muttered. “Great plan, Trix, gotta love the attention to detail in making me the assistant while you get all the chocolates.”

“We each have our roles in life, Great and Powerful Assistant.” There was a clang as Trixie said this, followed shortly by another.

Starlight shut off her walkie-talkie with a repressed hum of frustration and went back to work. Walking down one of the corridors leading deeper into the Castle, she saw the first rune Spike sketched into the floor. Rolling her eyes skyward and praying for strength, she stepped on it.

A warning siren sounded throughout the castle, and she took off in a full sprint down the corridor. Hidden party cannons and guards sprung out from the walls, all aiming at her and firing. Pink slime balls shot at her from all directions, exploding at her hooves and the walls of the corridor as she ran past them. As she ran, she saw a black spot on the floor, and her eyes widened as she skidded to a stop and hastily cast a teleport spell. She blinked out of existence for a moment and then reappeared down the hall, just in time to see the hidden landmine explode in a shower of pink goo.

She did not want to know what that was, or where Pinkie got it from.

“Iron bars are now removed. Beginning insertion into the backside door now,” Trixie called over the line.

“Please phrase that another way!” Starlight roared as she continued setting off traps and alerting guards.

“You’re doing great, Starlight, just hold them off for a little bit longer,” Trixie replied nonchalantly. “Trixie is on her way to the throne room.”

“You better be, I’ve got pretty much all of the guards on my tail right now, and Pinkie’s goo cannons are blasting me from all sides!”

“That doesn’t sound pleasant.”

“It really isn’t! The next time you’re planning a heist, do some better recon in what we’re up against, I don’t want to deal with Pinkie’s slime covering my body again.”

“Starlight…” Pinkie said.

“What, Pinkie?!” Starlight cried.

“Phrasing!” Pinkie finished with a laugh.

Many decades later, Ponyville historians would still be talking about The Great Glimmering Scream, and how it sent the entire Castle of Friendship flying into the air momentarily like the Golden Oaks Library before it. Many arguments and theories would be made over what caused it, or why every Unicorn in Equestria had the sudden urge to have equal signs on their flanks at that moment, but what could be agreed upon was that the light show that followed it was spectacular. Discord had reportedly declared it to be “the most heartwarming attempt at an early birthday present anypony had ever given him”.





She was a statue.

For several hours ever since Starlight’s trip across time, Twilight refused to move from her spot. She had chosen the optimal position for observing each of the four entrances to the throne room at the same time, keeping her eyes open with Starswirl’s No-Sleep-For-You spell, while simultaneously moistening them with her own Watering Eyes spell (patent pending). The runes she had inscribed at the base of each door hadn’t been tripped yet, but she knew it was only a matter of time. Somepony had been setting off all the others throughout the Castle, but still she didn’t move.

There would be no distractions, no interruptions, and no mistakes this time.

A bead of sweat slid down her forehead as she stared at the Cutie Map, the invisible box of chocolates having not been moved. Every five seconds she cast a scanning spell to make sure it was still there.

She, of course, had not counted on the heavenly scent wafting from the box. She had ignored it at first, of course, but after two hours of staring and hardly breathing, she couldn’t help herself.

Her stomach growled again, and she hissed in response. She wouldn’t give in. She had to see this through until the end. She had to last until midnight.

Another siren sounded in the halls outside, and her eyes briefly darted to the right before widening and returning them to their former positions. She recast the scan and breathed a sigh of relief when it confirmed that the box was still there.

Still, she wondered who it was that was causing all that ruckus, and why her guards hadn’t taken care of it. Or Spike, for that matter. Just where was that drake?

“Spiiiiike?” Twilight called.

A concealed trapdoor opened up moments later, and a helmeted Spike poked his head out, hastily packing away the comic book in his claws. “Yeah, Twilight?”

“Can you see who’s setting off all the traps?”

Spike blinked at her. “You don’t know?”

“How could I, I’ve been here.”

“You didn’t cast an exterior scan spell?” he wondered aloud.

“I would’ve, but I’m already keeping up four ward runes, a shield spell, at least a dozen spells for keeping me awake and alert, an illusion spell, an invisibility spell, and a timed scan spell. One more spell and I’ll probably suffer from mana burn severe enough to potentially put me in the hospital for thirty years,” Twilight said, giggling to herself and muttering something incoherent.

“...How long have you been standing there?”

“What time is it?”

“About 10:30 PM.”

“I’ve been here for fourteen hours.”

“Wow, that must suck.”

Twilight nodded. “It really does.”

“Do you need anything?”

“Hayburger; need fuel for the tank.”

He saluted. “Yes ma’am!” Then he paused and added, “Oh, and from what I’ve heard, the intruder is Starlight.”

Twilight nodded. “Good, good, I’ll take three, with extra mayonnaise.” She then blinked and, before wondering how she even managed that through her spell, she gasped. “Wait, Starlight?!”

Spike nodded, writing down her order. “Yup. You want fries with that?”

“Yes, medium sized. Now, what’s this about Starlight?”

“She’s dressed in a black suit, with rope and smoke bombs,” Spike replied, rolling up the scroll. “My guess is she’s robbing you, Trixie’s with her, and Pinkie’s probably hiding somewhere.”

“Okay, Trixie I get, who else gave her the bombs, but Pinkie? The one who sold me all the traps?” Twilight exclaimed. “How and why?”

Spike rolled his eyes. “The prize is the best chocolates in the world, and she knows how to get past the traps, and Starlight knows this. Why else is she the one tripping all of them while Trixie sneaks in from somewhere else? Even the ones she hasn’t seen before?”

“...You know, in hindsight, this wasn’t my greatest plan.”

Spike chuckled. “Eh, I’ve seen worse. Any drinks?”

“Yes, espresso. Actually, make it a double, I need it.”





Starlight reached down to her bandoleer, only to find it empty. In her haste, she had used up every smoke bomb she had in order to keep escaping from the guards. She had nothing left and, to her annoyance, Twilight had set up anti-teleportation wards and had locked her and any other Unicorn out of the spell matrix to rewrite it. Clever little Alicorn.

Clever, and at the moment, entirely the subject of Starlight’s undying frustration.

“Stop right there, Miss Glimmer!” yelled one of the guards behind her.

Rolling her eyes, Starlight sat down and put up her forehooves. Contorting her mouth and raising her voice a few octaves, she squeaked out, “Uh, terribly sorry gentlecolts, I think you have mistaken me for somepony else. This is Rarity Belle, just making an evening delivery of…black, form-fitting cloth for my darling friend, Twilight Sparkle, heheh. It’s all the rage with the mares in Manehattan, you know.”

“A nice try, Miss Glimmer, and an excellent impersonation to boot. Could’ve fooled me, in fact, if not for one small detail,” the guard replied, storming towards her and pressing the tip of his spear to her back. “I’m from Manehattan, and black cloth isn’t the rage right now, it’s baby blue with porcelain white lace.”

“Just my luck…” Starlight muttered in her normal voice.

The guard grinned. “Relax, boys and girls, we got ‘er.”

The other guards, including one very irate Broken Record, sighed with relief and began funneling back towards their stations, while Broken Record and the spear-wielding guard remained to tie Starlight up. Broken Record pulled out an anti-magic ring and clamped it around the base of Starlight’s horn, making her wince slightly. Then, after securing her with her own rope, the two of them pulled her along until they reached the throne room.

Broken Record pushed open the door and proudly announced, “Princess Twilight, you can relax, we have caught the intruder. The Castle is once again secure.”

Twilight, sitting amid a pile of empty hayburger bags and espresso cups, glanced his way. “Good work, Broken Record! I knew you and the others could do it. Give my regards to the rest of your team.”

Broken Record bowed low. “Thank you, Your Highness.” He then pushed Starlight closer to her. “Move it, prisoner.”

“I own a third of this Castle, it’s in the deed as of last year,” Starlight grumbled, but complied.

Twilight sighed, still not taking her eyes off the Cutie Map and the box’s position. “Starlight, why?”

Starlight shrugged. “Trixie had a plan, and it sucked, but I figured there wasn’t any harm in trying. You did kinda make two weeks of my life a living Tartarus thanks to time travel, and ruined my day off with Trixie, so pulling off a heist like this with my best friend would be a pretty good ending to it all.”

Twilight frowned. “I’m very sorry about that, but you have no idea how important your errand was for me, or these chocolates.”

“Nah, I think I have a pretty good idea,” Starlight refuted. “What I want to know is this: why would you wait until midnight before eating them?”

Twilight hesitated, wondering how much she should tell. “It’s…a secret.”

“You’re waiting for somepony, aren’t you?” Starlight guessed. “One alternate Nightmare Moon, perhaps?”

Twilight’s eyes widened, and Starlight smirked. “Yeah, I figured it out. The package, using me to deliver it to her while you guarded the chocolates, all the embarrassment…this was never about you eating the chocolates, that was just a cover story. This was always about her, wasn’t it? Since when did the two of you start dating?”

Twilight’s face flushed. “...Right after we fixed our own timeline, I realized that all the other alternate timelines were still around, so I decided to go back and fix them as best as I could. When I got to Moony’s…erm, Nightmare Moon’s, I actually found out that the Ponies living under her rule were treated surprisingly well, and aside from some…differences of opinions with Celestia and how she ran things, Nightmare Moon was pretty fair as a ruler, just controlling. For her timeline, I decided that changing things would just make things worse, so I instead decided to form a truce, and, well…after a few months, the truce became something more.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, from what I’ve seen of her, you must’ve mellowed her out considerably. She even offered me tea when I first got there.”

“What kind?”

“Black.”

Twilight made a face. “Bleh, gotta change that. Earl grey for life.”

“Meh, you could do worse,” Starlight shrugged.

“I’m dating a supervillain, how much worse could I get?” Twilight asked.

“You could date Chrysalis.”

“...You’re right, that is worse.”

“You know what’s even worse than that?” Broken Record asked suddenly, drawing both mares’ attention. He stood upon Fluttershy’s throne, and was smirking victoriously. The second guard had vanished, and all the doors were locked down. “The fact that you’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book, Princess! Simple misdirection, like a card slipped under the sleeve. Ah-hahahahaha!” With a flourish, ‘Broken Record’ vanished, replaced by a smirking Trixie standing atop the Cutie Map. “Behold, the Mistress of Illusions, the Illustrious Magician, the Uncontained Master of Disguise, the Greatest and Most Powerful Unicorn in the world…Trixie Lulamooooooon!”

Trixie’s horn lit up with a pink glow and she fired a bolt of magic through a window, shattering the glass and sending a ball of light into the sky. It exploded after a moment, forming a smug version of her face in the sky.

Twilight’s eyes widened again, and she reached out for the Cutie Map. “No! Not again!”

Starlight raised a hoof. “Trixie, stop, we don’t need to steal the chocolates!”

“Of course Trixie does, why else did she put the anti-magic ring on your horn?” She pointed to Starlight with a smirk. “Trixie knew that Princess Twilight was going to give you one of her sob stories, and she knew Pinkie was going to eat all the chocolates, so she improvised the whole scheme to trick everypony into falling for her trap. Tonight, Trixie feasts on sweet Germane goodness!”

“I thought we were in this together?” Starlight asked, looking a little hurt.

“Oh don’t worry, Starlight, Trixie will save one or two for you later. But right now, it’s time to finally win!”

With a tip of her hat, Trixie dispelled Twilight’s illusion and invisibility and grabbed the box of chocolates from the Cutie Map, only to pause and stare at it. When she didn’t move, Twilight and Starlight climbed on top of the Map to jump her, only for Trixie to look up at them in confusion. “What trickery is this?!” she cried, showing them the box.

It was empty.

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “But I…nopony got…I…you…me…her…HOW?!?!”

“I think I can answer that,” said a voice.

Everypony turned to see Spike entering the room with another box in his claws. “I knew the moment that Twilight was acting strange when she received those chocolates that something was up, and that her plan wouldn’t work. It was too easy, placing the box in the most obvious place. It was like she was begging somepony to sneak in and steal them. So, while she was preparing the defenses, I took the chocolates and put them in a second box, which I hid under my bed. Nobody would ever think to look there.”

“...He’s not wrong,” Starlight admitted.

“Outsmarted by a Dragon…” Trixie moaned, slumping to the floor. “What has Trixie come to?”

“Her senses at last,” Starlight quipped.

“But how did you know my plan wouldn’t work?” Twilight asked.

“Simple. Each and every time you hid the box under an invisibility spell, you kept forgetting where you put it. The only reason you didn’t forget this time was because of all the defenses you put up and your hyperfixation on it, but this time there actually were thieves trying to break in.”

Twilight, Starlight, and Trixie stared at Spike, utterly aghast. “Are you serious?!” Trixie roared. “Trixie did all of this for nothing?!”

“Hey, I did all the work!” Starlight argued.

“Spike, are you telling me that you knew where all the other chocolates were all this time?” Twilight asked, her face growing stern. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Spike smirked and held up five fingers, counting down. “Five, four, three, two, one, aaaaaaand…”

A time portal opened up at the southern entrance to the throne, and Spike let out a snort. “Right on time,” he finished.

From the portal stepped out a tall, elegantly-dressed black Alicorn with a flowing blue and purple mane of stars. Her cat-like eyes scanned the room, seeing the disarray it was in as well as the state of its occupants. Raising an eyebrow, she asked in an imperious voice, “Did I come at a bad time?”

Twilight looked down at her watch and gasped, realizing it had just struck midnight. “Oh my gosh, you’re already here?!”

“Where else would I be?” Nightmare Moon asked. “Your little Dragon friend Spike filled me in on the details the last time you two visited, and thanks to Starlight Glimmer’s delivery trip through time, he was able to sneak the last of the forgotten chocolates past you and into my hooves. We now have plenty for the both of us, all carefully preserved.”

Twilight looked down at Spike with happy tears in her eyes, while he simply beamed at her. “Weeeell, my work here is done, back to Batmare and Robber-Boy I go. You two have a great evening.” With that, he waddled away, leaving the throne room and closing the door behind him with a wink.

Twilight let out a yelp as a large black wing suddenly enveloped her. “I believe the young drake is right. Don’t you agree, my little Princess?” Nightmare Moon smirked, her horn lighting up and revealing three boxes of chocolates behind her.

Twilight’s face turned beet red, and Starlight let out a laugh.

Trixie, meanwhile, stamped her hoof on the floor. “Wait a second, Trixie demands compensation! She and her assistant went through all this trouble to get chocolates after our day was ruined, and by Celestia, we’re going to get some!”

Twilight looked at Nightmare Moon sheepishly and then glanced at Starlight. “Uuum, Moony?”

Nightmare Moon groaned. “You know I hate it when you call me that…”

“Do you mind if we share?”

The taller Alicorn blinked at her. “Share our chocolatey bounty?”

“Well, I did kinda ruin Starlight’s day off--”

“And had me hurtling through time for two weeks, where I nearly died several times,” Starlight deadpanned.

“...Yeah, and that,” Twilight added with a nod. “And I kinda owe Trixie one for helping Starlight and the others in defeating Chrysalis and saving me and my friends.”

“You…you do?” Trixie asked, her jaw dropping. Then she reared up on her hind legs and cheered. “YES! Ha-HA! Finally, Trixie manages a win over the prissy Princess by having something to lord over her! This is the second-best day of Trixie’s life!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, well, I think one box of chocolates for each of us should do it.” Lighting up her horn, she gave two of the four boxes to Starlight and Trixie, and then put a hoof on Nightmare Moon’s shoulder. “Now then, all’s well that ends well, I suppose.”

“Agreed,” Starlight nodded, opening her box and savoring the sweet, heavenly scent that wafted into her nostrils. “Twilight, give Celestia and Cadance my regards.”

“And Trixie’s!” Trixie sang, already popping one of the treats into her mouth and chewing…before promptly puffing out her cheeks and spitting it out, wiping her tongue and gagging. “Bleh, pah, what in Tartarus was THAT?!”

Twilight tilted her head. “Huh?”

Starlight lifted a chocolate out of her box and bit into it, before spitting it out too. “It’s baking chocolate! It’s bitter!”

Nightmare Moon’s face fell, and Twilight’s eye twitched. She then spun towards the door Spike fled through and screamed, “SPIIIIIIIIKE!!!!”





“Did ya get ‘em?”

“Oh yeah.” A box was dropped in the large red Pony’s hooves. The Pony lifted up the lid, took out the comic books from the top, and then extracted the hidden, well-preserved chocolates from underneath.

A lion’s paw and an eagle’s claw clapped together. “Bravo, young Padawan, I knew you could do it! I, of course, would’ve gotten them myself, but those anti-chaos magic wards were painful. Wonderfully-crafted but painful.”

“It was a piece of cake,” Spike grinned. “Those mares keep forgetting that I, too, own one third of that Castle, and was the one who wrote down all their lists of spells and how to use them. So, we still on for Guys Night?”

“Eeeeeeyup!”

“Absolutely, my delightfully chaotic Dragon friend,” Discord replied, waggling his eyebrows. “We’ll meet at my place in five minutes, so bring your finest O&O sheets. Now, make yourselves scarce before Princess Brainiac and her marefriend figure out where we went.”

Without a word, the Dragon, Earth Pony farmer, and Draconequus vanished into the night, the box of magazines left behind at the base of the Castle of Friendship.





Meanwhile, in a tunnel underneath the Castle of Friendship, Pinkie Pie sat waiting in a large drilling machine, aimlessly tossing her hardhat from hoof to hoof.

Still she waited, and still she saw no signal from Trixie, nor heard any word from Starlight. She was ready and waiting, and she could smell those chocolates already, but without the signal, she had no way of knowing--

…Wait.

Pinkie froze, her hardhat clattering underneath her seat. Trixie’s “signal” was a light show…in the sky.

Above ground.

Where she couldn’t even see it.

With a groan, Pinkie slammed her head against the drilling rig’s steering wheel, causing a horn to honk loudly. “This is, without a doubt, the worst...plan...EVER!”





THE END