> Why Are All the Guards the Same?
>  by Boom44
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. The Pebble
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Celestia stood on her balcony, gazing fondly out over the courtyard. Her golden sun rose behind her, spreading its life-giving light across Canterlot. Assembled in the courtyard was a group of fresh guard recruits, or as the solar diarch preferred to call them, “my little cadets.” Rows upon rows of white-furred stallions with two-toned blue manes stood at attention. Not one wavered, not even as the sun reached the apex of its flight, brutal heat waves washing over the crowd. Celestia marveled at how well-disciplined the cadets were. With less than two weeks of training, even she found it difficult to distinguish between the group of cadets standing to attention below and a fully-trained company. The initial training must be truly thorough and equally intense.

Celestia sometimes found it strange how most of her guards seemed to look so similar. More than seventy-percent of the Royal Guard consisted of white-furred, blue-maned, cyan-eyed stallions; and another twenty-percent had gray fur with white manes and amber eyes. As she surveyed the group, the princess idly wondered if perhaps the recruitment office targeted ponies of these colors. Celestia frowned at the thought. Color has nothing to do with the skill of an individual or their aptitude for the Guard. While she would agree (in her mind only) that the uniform colors were quite appealing to the eye, it would not be fair if recruiters were turning away ponies due to their looks. That would not do at all! Celestia firmly resolved to look into the matter more when she finished her more important tasks for the day.

Speaking of which, she turned her attention back to the recruits. The princess was currently conducting an (unofficial, of course) evaluation of the new troops. Her gaze passed over each stallion, fully taking note of every single detail. Every spear held at the wrong angle, every patch of fur brushed the wrong way, every well-defined muscle rippling in the—Celestia snorted and shook her head vehemently. Bad thoughts! No, no, she was merely conducting a routine check, as every immortal ruler has a right to. Just making sure none of her little ponies lacked anything, whether they looked low on sleep, they had an injury which needed treating, or their fur was still wet from the sho—CLOP! Celestia stomped her hoof on the balcony, banishing the stray thought to the moon and beyond. This is a completely necessary part of her duty. Nothing more, nothing less. She paused as she felt a bit of drool threatening to escape her lips. "I must be hungry,” she thought. "Perhaps I should get some cake as I observe.” 



Down in the courtyard…

Behind his mask of stoicism, Sergeant Iron Hoof was grinning from ear to ear. "Yet another outstanding batch of recruits this month! Those recruiters must be working twenty-hour shifts. I don’t know where they find so many ponies who have the perfect disposition to be a Royal Guard. You would think it to be a rare thing, a pony who can stand completely still, staring straight ahead for hours on end. However, this is the third batch this year where even past the two-hour mark there has yet to have been a single pony who has faltered!”

A loud buzzing interrupted the sergeant’s musings and his eyes snapped to the source of the sound. His eyes widened as he located the offending insect. It was a red wasp! The wasp had just emerged from a hidden nest beneath the eaves. The little dear had explored half of Canterlot over the past three days, searching for the perfect location for a new nest. When exhaustion had set in, the rather large female had alighted on top of a long, flat building next to the castle. It was here she discovered the ideal spot to place her nest, and now she had just applied her finishing touches. All the ponies standing in formation had attracted her attention, so she swooped in low to investigate.

“This will be amusing,” thought Iron Hoof with a grin. “Let’s see which of the cadets will break under the threat of a painful wasp sting.”

The wasp flitted from pony to pony, wondering what their purpose was. She was quite confused by their faces, wondering what was in front of them that they were all staring at so intently. Whatever it was, it must be invisible to wasps. She dove in for a closer look, brushing against one unicorn’s ear as she did. 

A shiver ran through the poor cadet’s shaking frame. He had been standing underneath the grueling sun for a couple of hours now. His mouth was dry, his knees shaking. He had forgotten to brush his teeth after breakfast, and the taste of old bananas was permanently affixed to his tongue. Now, to top it all off, there was a wasp trying to sting him?! “I can’t take this anymore!” he thought. “I want to go back to bed. I want to eat anything to get this taste out of my mouth! Most of all, I do NOT want to get stung by a wasp!” All these thoughts flew threw his head in an instant, but they were quickly quelled when a new thought burst into being over them. An oddly familiar yet completely strange voice echoed within the recruit’s fragile mind: “Stand firm. Bear the pain. Serve the princess. Do your duty.” The voice faded almost immediately from the cadet’s mind, never to be remembered, but those four thoughts remained. “We will do our duty.” He resolved. “We will serve the princess.” 

Sergeant Iron Hoof observed the wasp as she swooped past one poor stallion. This recruit looked to be in a particularly poor state. The sergeant took note of his almost imperceptible shaking legs and glazed-over eyes. Yet, even as the wasp flew right past the cadet’s face, a change took place in his demeanor. His legs grew still, his eyes narrowed with focus, and his jaw set into a tight line. In an instant the recruit turned his appearance from struggling to determined. Even when the wasp had the gall to perch atop the guard’s plumed helmet, he did not waver.

Iron Hoof harrumphed. “Well that’s no fun,” he grumbled. “Two weeks into training and I don’t even get an excuse to yell at them. Oh well, I suppose it IS about time to call it a wrap.”

Out loud he called, “At ease, recruits! Take a breather and recuperate, then meet up at the training course in one hour. Dismissed!”



Later that evening…

Celestia sighed as she flopped into the comfiest chair in her office. Three hours of paperwork dealing with the petty squabbles of nobility was quite draining, even for an immortal. It was time for a break. Perhaps the kitchens still have some of that cake… No! I told myself I needed to cut back to only two slices a day. It had been especially disconcerting at court the other day when the princess noticed a few gazes in the crowd gravitating to her rear half. Granted, as Equestria’s head diarch she could do whatever she pleased, but a princess should set a good example for her ponies. 

Clearing the annoying thoughts from her head, Celestia levitated the papers up from the coffee table in front of her. It was time to focus on a more meaningful task. Namely, investigating the recruitment process for the Royal Guard. As the princess pored over the documents, she noticed an interesting pattern. More than half of the papers marking potential guard recruits as approved were signed by a “True Blue.” Celestia smirked. This was perfect. If this particular stallion handled most of the papers regarding recruitment, then surely he would know the reason why the guards tended to be one of two colors. She would be getting to the bottom of this mystery very soon! Now it was time to set up an appointment. "Let’s see, I could summon True Blue to come here, or… Oh! He lives in Ponyville. How convenient! I can make a day trip to see my dear student Twilight and meet with him before I go. Alright then, it is decided. I head to Ponyville tomorrow.” 

Across the room, a quill and inkwell lit up with a golden glow as the princess prepared to pen a letter.





My dear Twilight, 

I plan to make a visit to Ponyville tomorrow afternoon. I have some business to take care of in town, and I would love to meet up with you after it is done. Be prepared to have me for tea around 4:00 in the afternoon.”

Your loving mentor,

Princess Celestia.

P.S. Perhaps you could invite your friends as well? As I recall, the pink one makes excellent scones.
> 2. A Stray Hoof
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“SPIIIIKE!!” A piercing cry brought the purple dragon’s daydreaming to an abrupt halt. “SPIIIKE, WHERE ARE YOU?”

Spike winced as his adoptive sister’s shrill voice echoed through his head. “Sheesh, Twilight, you don’t have to be so loud! I’m still standing right here, where I hoofed you that letter a few seconds ago.” He was promptly ignored as Twilight began to show the telltale signs of her typical panic attacks.

“Oh my goodness! We have to *gasp* we need— *urgh* The princess, I, we—”

“TWILIGHT!” interrupted Spike, quickly recognizing what was happening. “Breathe, Twi. Do it with me. In, two, three; out, two three. In, two, three; out, two, three.” He reached with both of his claws, grabbing her muzzle and forcing eye contact. “Deep breaths, sis. Can you do that for me?” 

Spike stared into Twilight’s eyes, her pupils having shrunk to the size of an asparagus seed. Slowly she nodded and began breathing along with the little fire drake. In and out, in and out. Gradually she got herself under control, enough that Spike finally thought it safe to let her face go.

“Okay, now, just breathe a few more time for me. When you are ready, you will SLOWLY and CALMLY tell me what the letter said. Unless Nightmare Moon has returned there is absolutely no reason to panic, okay? Now, what did Princess Celestia say?”

Twilight took one last deep breath and slowly exhaled. “Okaay… okay. I’m better now, thanks, Spike. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Spike chuckled, “Heh, actually you do. Remember when I had to leave Canterlot for a week so I could awaken my flame at Ashfall Volcano? And remember how, when I got back, you had somehow managed to convince half the Royal Guard that aliens had infiltrated the city? And the peacocks, remember what they told us you had done? Princess Celestia laughed about that one for a solid five minutes. Oh! And remember the time I was taking a nap and you decided to enchant your quill to be self-writing? I closed my eyes for five minutes and opened them to a screaming gaggle of maids trying to herd a sentient ball of feathers back into—” a lavender hoof stopped Spike’s rambling as a blushing Twilight stammered and stuttered over him.

“Ok-kay, I, g-get it.” Twilight once again took a few moments to collect herself. “Just, ugh! Listen to me for a second. The princess is coming here, Spike, and she is coming tomorrow! We need to clean, and prepare, and cook, and maybepackjustincasewegetbanishedtothem—hrrrrrghhh!” 

The purple unicorn wilted under the dragon’s wry gaze. “Okay, maybe I’m overreacting just a wee bit.” 

*eyebrow raise* 

“…maybe I’m overreacting a lot?” 

*slow nod* 

“Fine, I AM overreacting. But still, we do need to be good hosts. Celestia said she will be coming for afternoon tea and that she wants Pinkie to bring some scones. We need to ask her and the rest of the girls if they are free.”

Spike grinned at that. “Sounds good! I’ll go talk to Rarity then. See ya Twi!” 

Twilight blinked. Three stories below, the front door slammed shut. Seven blocks down, the bell above Carousel Boutique’s doorway rang. Five hundred miles to the north, a certain pink alicorn sneezed.

“Wha—?” started Twilight. “How did—? Where—? Ugh! SPIIIIKE!”

While Twilight dealt with the impending visit from royalty, the princess in question was enjoying a relaxing soak in her golden hot tub, washing away all her worries of the day. The strong jets of water pummeled her alabaster coat, knocking away both physical and mental dirt. As she sank into complete bliss, her final worry slipped away. This worry just happened to concern a certain stallion residing in Ponyville. A stallion who was currently in a rather unpleasant situation.





“I’m sorry, True Blue, but I just cannot fill these orders for you anymore! The first month I thought was just a fluke. ‘Maybe he’s just stocking up for a while,’ I thought. ‘Maybe he’s having a very specifically themed party and needs these for decoration.’ I filled your order and thought it done. Then the second order came through. I almost refused you then, but I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. ‘Maybe he’s running a reenactment business. Maybe all of his friends have the same hobby as he does and he supplies the equipment,’ I thought. But no! You just had to come with this triple-sized third order and destroy all my possible excuses for you!” 

The red-faced earth pony huffed as he unleashed his great annoyance on the cowering unicorn before him. “So tell me, True Blue. What in Celestia’s name do you need FIVE HUNDRED STEEL TRAINING SWORDS FOR, HUH?! ARE YOU BUILDING AN ARMY?! DO YOU PLAN ON CONQUERING PONYVILLE, EQUESTRIA EVEN?! WHY DO YOU NEED THESE?!”

The white-coated unicorn nervously twirled a hoof through his azure locks, eyes darting back and forth. He gave a nervous grin to the irate blacksmith and stammered out his response. 

“I, er, I mean me and my friends just really like fencing…?” He whinnied and shuffled a few steps back as the blacksmith continued to glare at him. 

“And, uh, we go through a lot of swords I guess?”

This elicited a groan from the shopkeeper as he banged his head on the counter. His tan mane fell over his eyes and muzzle as he let his head rest on the wood. 

“Get. Out.”

The blue-eyed unicorn whimpered and shuffled a bit closer to the counter. “But I really need thes—”

“GET OUT OF MY SHOP!”

“Yipe! Sir yes sir!” True Blue scampered out the door, barely avoiding a rack of spears and several ponyquins of armor in his exit path. He quickly galloped down the street, only stopping once he was five blocks away. The unicorn plopped down on a nearby bench, panting from his sudden exertion. He glanced around the area as he slouched, waiting until the hoof traffic slowed down. A few seconds later, a momentary lull in daytime shoppers rendered the street temporarily empty. 

The stallion blinked a few times, and his demeanor suddenly shifted. The anxiety and nervousness completely disappeared, replaced with a look of annoyance. His rapid breathing slowed down as well. A lack of sweat added to the subtle indicators that perhaps this stallion was not as winded as he had let on. The final confirmation came as his eyes narrowed with a sharp gleam sparkling within, daring anypony to suggest that he had ever acted cowardly in the first place.

“Rats!” he exclaimed, startling a nearby cat. “Another supplier gone. And here I thought Rusty Rise was the perfect candidate. He didn’t even question me until today.” 

True Blue snorted in irritation. “I suppose I’ll have to start ordering from out of town then. That will leave a paper trail, but at least suspicions around here will die down. Of course, I already have enough supplies to last a couple years of normal times, but if the rumors are true…No, no, let’s not think like that. Still, it is my duty to prepare for the worst. Do your duty, Blue.”

The stallion hopped off the bench, landing in a half-crouch reminiscent of a hoofball player. He brushed his blue mane (two-toned, of course) back, revealing sharp cheekbones and a square jaw. Strong muscles rippled across his chest, well-defined and easily visible. A mare who was passing by noticed the fine stallion in the corner of her eye. She glanced his way and came to an abrupt standstill, visibly blushing. True Blue gave the light green mare a grin and a wink, sending her into a literal swoon. He was a stallion of the highest form with a body sculpted by Michael Cannongelo himself. Everypony would agree that True Blue represented the pinnacle of stallionhood. Only a select few ponies (such as Big Macintosh or Prince Blueblood) could even compare.

Of course, Blue did not distract himself with such egotistical thoughts for long. After chuckling to himself over the mare’s reaction, he trotted swiftly down the road, making his way to the outskirts of Ponyville. After his failure at the smithy, Blue was all too eager to get back to work. One must always do their duty, standing firm through the pain of failure. These rules were what the unicorn lived by, after all. No setback would keep him from serving his princess. 

Blue slowed to a walk, having finally reached his destination. Celestia’s sun was just beginning to set, shining a dazzling array of reds and yellows down on the beige building in front of him. The sign on the door was nigh illegible, faded from long exposure to the elements. If one squinted from just the right angle, the words Loose Tongue Linguistics could barely be made out.

This was actually a translation business, established around four years ago after a family of Saddle Arabians moved to the town. The local mare Loose Tongue had opened the place as an educational facility meant to offer classes in learning foreign languages, especially so the new immigrants could learn Equestrian. Unfortunately, there were a good many problems getting the business up and running. 

Firstly, as it turned out, the Saddle Arabian family already spoke perfect Equestrian, having learned the language prior to their move. Secondly, as Ponyville was a relatively small farming community, there was not a great demand for knowledge of foreign tongues. Most of the residents were perfectly content without attaining the status of a bilingual. Thirdly, Loose Tongue’s talent was in spreading gossip and rumors, NOT speaking foreign languages. Consequently, after three years and a small fortune’s worth of bits (generously provided by a governmental grant for inclusion and diversity), Loose Tongue was more than happy to sell off the business to True Blue and wash her hooves of the whole ordeal. She shortly moved to Canterlot, where her flowery words and knack for spreading information quickly landed her a job as a reporter for the Equestrian Daily. To this day she enjoys writing puff pieces and gossip columns, occasionally slipping in a foreign word or two learned during her stint as a linguistic.

That, however, is a story for another time. Back in the present, True Blue produced a key from his saddlebags and unlocked the front door. The rusted bell gave a sad chime as he entered, as if to proclaim its utter uselessness. Since Blue had purchased the place eight months ago, not a single customer had graced its doorstep. For most businessponies this would spell certain doom. Blue, however, did not seem to particularly mind it. He had not bought the business to make money, after all. 

No, something else was at work here. You see, Loose Tongue had been an optimistic sort of mare. She believed in preparing for the best. As a result, the construction ponies had been commissioned to create as much space as possible in the plot of land she planted her building upon. Thus, the unused linguistics building was one of the few three-story structures found in Ponyville. 

The true reason for Blue’s purchase, though, lay not just in the height of the building but in its depth. Indeed, it was there that the unicorn stallion was headed. He trotted through the dusty hallways, passing abandoned classrooms littered with old papers and dried ink pots. The final rays of the sun poked under half-raised blinds, reflected all around the room by airborne dust. Reaching the back of the building, True Blue grasped the circular handle of a trapdoor with his cobalt magic. The well-oiled hinges made no sound as the door opened. Lit torches lined the sides of a lengthy stairwell leading to the cellar below. Making his way down the steps, Blue sneezed several times. 

I should really clean the rest of the building at some point. Even if I don’t use it, the dust I breathe in while passing through is unbearable!

At the bottom of the stairwell, one final door loomed in front of him. This door was obviously quite new, built from solid steel. Blue smiled in admiration of the portal. Truly a purchase well worth the cost. Raising an ivory hoof, he gave two solid raps on the door, followed by a long scrape across it and a shrill whistle. His ears twisted forward as several grunts and the sound of something heavy being lifted emanated from beyond. The unicorn backed up three paces and let the door swing open outwards, barely avoiding a smack to the muzzle. The gray-furred pegasus who had opened the door saluted smartly as True Blue entered the chamber. 

“Welcome back sir! I trust your outing was productive?”

“I suppose it was,” responded the muscular stallion, flopping onto a nearby couch. “The blacksmith got too suspicious and refused to accept our order. The seamstress informed me she only does ‘custom orders’ and does not produce in bulk. Finally, the taxes on this business have gone up another half percent!”

The pegasus produced a look of utter bafflement. His amber eyes darted back and forth, trying to make sense of his boss’s explanation.

“I, uh, fail to see how that would count as a success, er, sir. Was there maybe… something else?”

True Blue cracked open an eye from his now totally relaxed position on the couch. He smirked at the continued confusion of the pegasus. He stretched his forelegs out above him, earning a satisfying crack. Smacking his lips together, he waited a moment before enlightening his subordinate.

“It counts as good news, my dear Firm Feathers, because I received word from my dear father in Canterlot concerning the operation. He says they are ready for another batch.

Understanding flashed across the pegasus’s face. A light breeze, seemingly from nowhere ruffled his snow-white mane. 

“I see now, sir!” he exclaimed eagerly. “Will you be needing me again?”

“Of course, my little pegasus. After all, you are a model soldier. Not quite as skilled as myself perhaps, but that is nothing our little pre-training program will not fix.”

“Tomorrow night then?”

“Of course. Until then you are dismissed. Go enjoy the night, get some dinner. Who knows, you might even make a few friends.” Blue chortled at his joke. Firm Feathers rolled his eyes at the statement, finally relaxing as he was released from duty.

“Very funny, Blue, very funny. You aren’t going to join me tonight? The mares at the bar always ask about you. You could use the company. It’s not good for you, always being cooped up alone in this basement. Some ponies might even think you unsocial.” Firm put emphasis on the last word, attempting to rile up the unicorn. Blue, however, was unaffected.

“Not tonight, Firm, not tonight. I must put together the final designs for tomorrow. After all, we can never be too careful. I am amazed as it is that we haven’t been investigated yet. Better to take caution now and continue to divert suspicions. Mind magic is a tricky thing, even if it is my specialty. It requires careful planning and precise implementation.”

“Oh come on!” cried Firm, obviously unimpressed. “You have been working on this project for years! Another night of triple-checking will make no difference at all. Come on out with me, Blue. Live a little!”

“Ugh, way to make me feel guilty. Tell you what, after we get the next batch fully through phase one I promise I will go out with you every night for a week. That would suffice to attract all the mares to the bar for a while, right? I know that’s what you really want.”

Firm grinned. “You know me too well. It’s a deal boss. I’ll hold you to it. See you tomorrow evening then!”

True Blue laughed as his subordinate (and best friend) cantered up the stairs and into the night. When they were working Blue maintained his position as the definite boss. Firm Feathers followed his orders without question, since Blue was the pony in charge. After hours, though, he and Firm had gradually become tight friends, getting into all sorts of trouble together. Firm was one of the few ponies who knew all of Blue’s secrets. He willingly submitted to Blue’s mind-shaping magic, accepting orders to never reveal the nature of their work. Blue smiled as he remembered how their friendship had grown over the past three years. Firm Feathers was truly a good friend.

Blue levitated his saddlebags up from where he had shrugged them off and onto the coffee table in front of the couch. Reaching into them, he pulled out the letter he had retrieved from the post office earlier that. Unbeknownst to the unicorn stallion, if he had waited another fifteen minutes to fetch his mail, another letter would have been waiting inside his box. Not just any letter either. A very important letter delivered directly via magic, with a red wax seal depicting a rising sun. Blue, however, was unaware of this. In fact, because of his anticipation for the work to be done the next night, he would neglect to check his mail on the morrow. This would cause a rather large hiccup in the plans laid out in the letter he was now reading.





Dear son,

I am writing to inform you that group Charlie has passed muster with a 100% success rate. No unwanted questions have been asked. You are clear to begin work on Delta phase one.

Your very proud father,

Loyal Spear

P.S. Do your duty!
> 3. A Low Rumble
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Kukeleku!” the rooster crowed his morning call, perfectly in sync with the rising sun. A well-traveled pony might notice and comment upon the rooster’s accented call. He was in fact Danish, and thus sounded a bit different from his peers. Heremod (as was his name) prided himself upon his heritage and boasted about his unique call to anypony who would listen. Unfortunately, most ponies don’t speak Cluckish, so his audience was limited to the Apple family’s six hens, three cockerels, and the rare visit from Fluttershy. There were also Fluttershy’s chickens, but they were Prench and therefore didn’t count.

As the rooster finished his vauntful call, the rest of the farm stirred to life. In the hayloft of the dairy barn, the border collie Winona cracked open one eye, smacked her lips, and promptly fell asleep again (much to the annoyance of a family of raccoons who had recently moved in. Dogs do tend to snore rather loudly.). In the stall below the loft, Moo-riella grunted out a good morning while simultaneously snuggling deeper into her hay-bed. It was not milking day, after all. Signs of true arousal were only evident up at the main house, where a wisp of smoke had just begun rising from a pipe in the roof. 

THUMP! Macintosh’s hooves hit floor with all the force of a grizzly bear experimenting with gravity. With eyes still closed, the massive crimson stallion felt a peaceful smile grow across his face. The scent of fresh pancakes wafted up through the floorboards, motivating him to shuffle across his bedroom into the hallway. Finally cracking his eyelids, Mac observed a blurry orange blob emerging from a doorway across the hall. Bleary green eyes met equally bleary equally green eyes. 

“Beh,” Applejack greeted her brother eloquently, speaking in that oft-used dialect known as morning speak. 

“Guh,” returned Macintosh, matching his sister’s level of speech with an equally polished greeting. A sharp DING-DING! halted any further attempts at conversation. Granny Smith’s shrill voice quickly followed, stifling the siblings’ valiant attempt at inventing a new language.

“COOOOMME AND GIT IIIIITT!!”

Mac grinned and shuffled over to the stairwell, the final vestiges of sleep fleeing his mind. “Good ol’ Granny,” he thought, “cookin’ again. Ah’ve no idea how she always manages to get up ‘fore the rest of us. Elderly ponies are spose ta get their rest.” He paused his musings halfway down the stairs to inhale deeply, getting another heavenly whiff of the legendary flapjacks. “Ah ain’t complainin’ though. Nothin’ beats Granny’s breakfasts.”

Finally reaching the kitchen table, Mac was greeted with a sound rap across his muzzle. He hopped back a step and raised a protective hoof in front of his now smarting snozz.

“Eep! What was that for, Granny?!”

Before him loomed the powerful form of a pale green mare, her grey hair done up in a neat bun. Arthritis itself seemed to have fled from the imposing glare that the Apple family matriarch now leveled at her grandson, as she now stood straight and tall.

“Watch yourself now, Macky, ya’ hear? I ain’t old nor elderly. Well-cooked perhaps, just like these pancakes, but even that’s pushin’ it. Now git your tail sittin’ down ‘fore ah send you out to work without breakfast. Time’s a’waistin’!”

Macintosh wilted under his grandmother’s wrath, ears drooping as he sheepishly plopped down into his chair. He hadn’t meant to say all that aloud (and indeed was almost certain he had not verbalized a word of it). With Granny Smith, however, it made little difference. The ancient earth pony had been around since the beginning of Ponyville. Whatever powers kept her alive well past her time had also granted the mare a keen sixth sense. Not a single leaf could fall from one of the farm’s apple trees without her being aware of it. Discerning the inner thoughts of her grandchildren was mere child’s play.

Granny Smith flipped another set of flapjacks on the stove and raised her wrinkled brow to gaze out the window at the brilliant sunrise. A soft smile crossed her face. She snorted in amusement, gaining the attention of her two older grandchildren, momentarily distracting them from devouring the veritable mountain of pancakes already on the table. 

“Might wanna finish ya’ chores early today. The sun’s gonna be a bit… hot today. Closer than normal.” She chuckled at her own joke, receiving questioning looks from the brother-sister duo. 

“Whatcha mean by that, Granny?” questioned Applejack. “Rainbow Dash promised us plenty o’ cloud cover this week for plantin’ season, some cool breezes too.” 

“Eeyup,” Mac drawled, nodding his head in agreement. Unsurprisingly, that was the only thing he said.

Granny hmmed for a moment, wondering if she should say more. Deciding against it, she grumbled in fake frustration. “Young whippersnappers, questioning their elders. Ah git no respect these days, no respect. Figure it ya’selves then. These old bones need their rest anyhoo. Just try an’ finish up early if ya’ can.”

Mac and his sister exchanged a look at their grandmother’s eccentric behavior before shrugging it off and returning to their meal. Eventually they’d figure out what she meant. The Apple matriarch did not make such predictions without reason.







Across town, on the other side of Ponyville, another pony was getting an early start to their day. Sadly, this occurrence was unplanned and thereby unwanted.

“The hay do you think you’re doing, Feathers?!”

Firm Feathers froze, his wings stretched out to their fullest extent. As he paused, so did the miniature twister in the center of the room. The whirling dust and debris it contained experienced a sudden lack in centripetal force. As everypony who has taken a physics class knows, when an object traveling in a circle loses its attraction to the center, it flies outwards in a straight line. In the case of this myriad of dust particles, the change in forces applied caused an explosion of dirt in every direction. This resulted in a hefty amount of irritants flying directly into the face of the recently awakened stallion True Blue. And where dust meets nostril…

“ACHOO! What the blazes—ACHOO!—possessed you to start a mad spring cleaning se—seSHOO!—session at,” Blue took moment to check the watch on his foreleg,”5:42 in the morning?! I thought I told you you could have the day off today?”

The gray-furred pegasus saluted smartly, facing his boss/friend with an eager gleam in his amber eyes.

“Exactly, sir! Since you dismissed me from my normal duties I was at a loss at what to do. Then I recalled how you are always sneezing when you come into the building. Sneezing plus dust equals cleaning time. So I set my alarm early, readied my wind magic, and assaulted the enemy, sir! Death to the dust!”

The disgruntled unicorn gazed in utter bafflement at his subordinate, who was emitting an unholy amount of cheer for this time of day. Utterly clueless to his employer’s aggravation, Feathers grinned and began gleefully bobbing his head from side to side.

“Do you like it, sir? I acted on my own initiative, just like you always tell me to do. ‘Decide on things yourself for a change,’ you always say. ‘Analyze the situation, find a solution, and then act on it.’ So I did. There was sneezing, it was caused by dust, the dust needed removing, and now I’m cleaning the building. Aren’t you proud of me, sir?”

True Blue groaned in exasperation and slammed his head back down onto the couch. A quick use of his royal blue magic summoned a pillow fort around him, this being a last-ditch effort to return to the world of dreams. Sadly, this was a futile attempt, as the use of magic requires a unicorn’s brain to kick into full gear. As was often the case, the ivory stallion had ended up sleeping on the couch instead of in his own personal quarters. Now he was most certainly regretting it. 

As much as Blue loved his pegasus friend, Feathers tended to be rather simple-minded when engaged in any activity not involving fighting, mares, or, oddly enough, board games. This was especially true when it came to doing his “duty”. While such commitment was worth its weight in gold when it came to guarding empty hallways for hours on end while remaining completely still (a truly underrated skill, to be sure), it occasionally led to situations like this one. 

“Why did this have to happen today?” Blue moaned inside his mind. “Now I’m wide awake with a long day and night ahead of me. Feathers, why are you the way that you are?!” Blue glared from beneath his protective layer of upholstery at the oblivious pegasus who had returned to his task of banishing all the dust in the room with excessive force. “I mean really, what kind of pegasus uses high-level wind magic for housecleaning? That’s just recklessly asking for something to go wrong.” Blue paused for a moment, replaying his thoughts. “On second thought, this is probably normal behavior for a pegasus.”

Blue groaned in defeat and rolled out of his pillow fort, hitting the floor with a solid WHUMP! “Ugh, I guess there’s no helping it,” he grumbled. “I’m awake anyway, so I may as well make the most of it.”

Reaching out with his magic, the blue-maned stallion opened up a closet, summoning a veritable armory of cleaning supplies. Brooms, dustpans, trash bags, cleaner, air freshener, and a few breathing masks marched their way towards him, lining up in a military fashion.

“As poorly as your actions this morning reflect on your emotional intelligence in relation to somnambulant behaviors caused by infractions upon the esteemed REM cycle, I suppose you do have a point, Feathers.”

The confused pegasus blinked several times, trying to process what his boss had just said to him. “Uh, thanks?”

“Anytime, Feathers. Anyway, in lieu of getting my much-needed rest, I shall assist you in ridding this building of our mutual enemy. Together we shall finally put the contents of that cleaning closet to good use! As you have already declared, so I will echo. Say it with me: Death to dust!”

Feathers grinned. “Death to dust, sir!”

And so, the two friends began their day with a flurry of activity, pegasus magic and unicorn magic working in tandem to wage a war so quick that it would be completed by lunchtime. True Blue relaxed his mind, temporarily allowing himself to forget his more trivial duties of the day, like checking his mail.

A few blocks over, another household was experiencing quite the similar scrubbing down. A certain lavender unicorn and her loyal assistant were hard at work preparing for a visit from the esteemed solar diarch of Equestria. Unlike True Blue, Twilight Sparkle never overlooked the small things, such as taking care of the mail. Hence, at precisely 9 o’clock in the morning, five immaculately inscribed letters combusted into green dragon flame.







Applejack,

Late yesterday evening Princess Celestia informed me that she would be visiting Ponyville…today. Can you believe that?! She gave me less than twenty-four hours to get ready! It takes more than a day for me to prepare for ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY FOR A VISIT FROM ROYALTY! 

*ahem* That is not to say that the princess made a mistake. Far from it. Princess Celestia can do whatever she wants whenever she desires. I simply wish she had allowed me more time to prepare. That’s all.

Back to the point, she has expressed her desire to see all of us today after she takes care of whatever business she has in Ponyville. Please be at the Golden Oaks Library by 4:00 this evening. Tea and refreshments will be served.

Your friend,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I’ve told the others too, so don’t worry about that.

P.P.S. Pinkie is bringing scones. You could bring some of your granny’s apple pie as well. I am sure that would go over quite well with the princess. She loves sweets!

P.P.P.S. Be sure and remember to shower before you come. Apple-scented perfume is perfectly fine, but smelling like literal dirt and apples is NOT an acceptable substitute.
> 4. Chain Collisions
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the sun neared the apex of its ascension, its golden rays of heat pelted the grassy fields surrounding the town of Ponyville. A certain scaled individual basked in the solar splendor, amplifying his heat intake by lying upon a large rock. This nameless individual was a speckled gold and black king snake. The reptilian monarch did not usually take pride in his royal title, but he most certainly felt like a ruler upon this wonderful day. His ebony body soaked up the heat like an abrasive politician absorbs insults. Nothing could ruin his perfect day. No stray dog would find him on this rock, especially not that annoying border collie from the farm. No tasty rodent would distract the serpent from his sultry sun salutations. Not even that sky-blue pegasus pushing a large cloud directly in front of the sun could—hey! 

The now shaded and severely disgruntled serpent hissed in annoyance as Rainbow Dash, captain of Ponyville’s weather team franticly streaked from one side of the town to the other, gathering as many clouds as she could. 

“Dangit!” Dash shouted in frustration as her latest cloud literally melted before eyes. “Why is it so blasted hot today?! Ponyville is supposed to have an unadjusted heat basis of 70° Marenheit for the next two weeks, so why the hay did I wake up this morning to a blistering 95°? Urgh!”

The neon-maned mare groaned in frustration, allowing her eyes to close and her wings to go completely limp. With no resistance (or magic lift) to keep her up, the pegasus quickly found herself in freefall. Below her, the business district of Ponyville rapidly approached. The unforgiving pavement rose rapidly meet the (seemingly) unconscious mare, eager to inflict pain. At the last possible second, Equestria’s self-proclaimed best flyer snapped open her eyes and gave her wings one huge flap. *SNAP!* The sudden bout of air resistance (combined with a not-at-all shabby dose of pegasus magic) provided the perfect amount of force to counteract the momentum of her fall. Anypony watching would have seen Rainbow Dash come to a complete halt, suspended a mere twenty-four inches from the ground as if by magic. (spoiler, it was!)

Rainbow allowed a smirk to crawl across her muzzle. “At least I still have that going for me. Perfectly executed Hairdini fall, as usual. Pffft, once Spitfire sees me do that, she’ll practically be begging me to join the Wonderbolts. ‘Oh, Rainbow Dash, that was the most amazing trick I have ever seen! Won’t you please join my—‘cough’—my te—’cough, cough’”

Equestria’s own element bearer of Loyalty was rudely interrupted from her fantasy by a severe case of coughing, caused by a humongous cloud of dust billowing from a nearby window. Rainbow collapsed into a fit of wheezing as the offending smog swirled around her unnaturally. With tears streaming from her suddenly agitated eyes, the suffering mare just barely managed a half-hearted flap of her wings. The magic-infused push was sufficient, however, to blow the dust up into the sky, banishing it from Ponyville forever.

Rainbow let herself limply fall back onto the pavement and gave out a miserable whine. “Why me?” she moaned, rubbing her eyes with her foreleg, “why me?”







Oblivious to the plight of Ponyville’s unfortunate weather captain, two friends were waging a war on a never-before-seen scale within the very building from which emanated the dastardly cloud which caused Dash’s downfall.

“Have at thee, fiendish filth! Nopony can withstand the combined attacks of Equestria’s most fearsome duo! We shalt deal with thee most ferociously.” Firm Feathers crowed with fervor as he used his wings to funnel a tornado of dust and grime out the window.

Across the room, the unicorn stallion True Blue responded in kind. “Harken to mine brother of war, as he doth verily speak the words of truth. Thou shalt rue the day thou didst take up residence in our domicile. No more shall we live under thy tyrannical rule, o demons of soil and scum!”

Blue narrowed his eyes, sizing up the couch before him. To his left, Feathers sported a similarly grim expression, flexing his wings in anticipation.

“Do you see the enemy before us, private?”

The gray pegasus shook his head slowly. “Sir, no sir! They be hiding underneath yonder barricade.”

“Such barricades are meant to be breached, soldier. Ready your weapons.”

“Aye sir! Weapons readied.”

A small ball of wind gathered at the tips of each of Firm’s wings.

“On my mark.”

True Blue’s horn lit up with his cobalt magic. The couch before the duo also lit up with the same aura. Blue swiftly levitated it off to the side, exposing the dark secrets underneath. With one flick of his wings, Blues’ pegasus friend launched a preemptive strike upon the enemy.

“DIE!”

With a snarl, True Blue charged forward, joining his friend in battle. His weapons of choice held aloft by magic (those being Lysol, rags, and air freshener), the final stronghold of the enemy was felled. The last of the dirt and grime of a thousand years (more like three, actually), blew out of the window. Blue quickly slammed the window shut with his magic and grinned at his partner.

“The battle is over; Firm, we are victorious!”

Letting out a victorious whoop, Firm Feathers proceeded to collapse onto the displaced couch, breathing heavily. Blue soon joined him with an amused snort, fanning himself with a newspaper. As they lay there panting, the two stallions grinned and shared a hoof bump. Several minutes passed by as their breathing slowly returned to normal. After a while, Blue sighed and rolled himself off the couch. Landing on the stone floor with a small *clop*, the blue-maned unicorn began making his way to the door leading upstairs. 

“Well, as unexpected as this morning has been, I do believe it is high time I got a start on my actual work for the day, Feathers.”

The drab pegasus moaned, burying his muzzle deeper into the couch cushions. “No, I don’t wanna. I thought you said I had the day off too?”

“You may have the day off, Feathers, but I do not. I work for the government, after all. Even if there is no work to be done I must at least keep up appearances. And thus, I will be in my office, filling out meaningless paperwork until the sun goes down.” Blue paused in the doorway and smirked. In a slightly lower voice he spoke again, just loud enough for the pegasus to hear.

“…and that is when the fun begins.”







One hour later:

It was now just a few minutes past noon. True Blue sat in his office, freshly showered and ready for the day. In his hoof was his daily cup of coffee, fresh from Sugarcube Corner. He took a big gulp of it and smiled. Black, with just the barest hint of sugar, just how he liked it.

Blue had just returned from his daily errands. He had been in a bit of rush today, considering how late of a start he was getting. Unfortunately, ponies often get sloppy when they rush things. They sometimes forget the smaller tasks, like brushing their teeth, making their bed, or checking their mailbox. 

Such thoughts were far away from Blue though. He was busy surveying his office, wondering what he should do with the rest of his day. As mentioned before, government jobs can sometimes be quite slow.

As for the office itself, the room opened up into a hallway just beside the main entrance of the building. Blue’s chair faced a wall covered in Equestrian recruitment posters. One depicted a very familiar white unicorn in a striped top hat. Captain Shining Armor stood on three legs with his fourth stretched out towards the reader. A curly blue mustache was poorly imposed over the stallion’s muzzle. Inscribed at the bottom of the poster were the words “Equestria wants you!” 

This poster (and several others surrounding it) were part of a failed effort to raise recruitment numbers for the EG (Equestrian Guard). Unfortunately, not many ponies seemed to be interested in becoming peacekeepers these days. Violent crime was virtually nonexistent, and other, lesser infractions were rare. As far as wars went, they were—well, simply put there were none. The last “war” Equestria had seen was the invasion of the Griffin empire over 300 years ago. Even that had only lasted for less than a week. Griffin forces had indeed terrorized some villages on the outskirts of the country for several days. The arrival of a certain solar princess, however, had caused the instant decimation of the invading army. The fleeing pony refugees were quite surprised when the griffins pursuing them had suddenly disappeared. They were even moreso shocked when, returning to what once had been their villages, they discovered a sizeable swath of smoking sand where their homes had once stood. 

When questioned about what had happened, Princess Celestia gained a dark look in her eyes, proclaiming that “those nasty griffins will not be hurting my little ponies ever again.” The nobles who had brought forth the question quickly wised up, shut up, and made sure to bury any stories about the true events of the Pony/Griffin war of 637.

On the left wall of Blue’s office, several filing cabinets were lined up in a row. These contained countless government documents concerning recruitment tactics, procedures, guidelines, restrictions, and other such bureaucratic nonsense which True had never even bothered to read. 

The most eye-catching item in the room was directly behind the stallion’s chair, where anypony entering the office would immediately notice. Two slightly-curved swords with crossing blades were welded on top of a ramrod straight spear. A solid blue pennant was affixed just below the point of the spear. This plaque was an exact depiction of the cutie mark which True Blue bore upon his flanks. The swords represented the stallion’s combat prowess. The slight curve of their blades indicated a tendency to manipulate information in order to achieve his own purpose. The straight spear had a dual-purpose of both representing proficiency in different weapons and also an unwavering focus on his goals. The blue pennant represented absolute loyalty to his country no matter what.

The final wall contained a small window looking out into the streets. If Blue leaned back in his chair, he would just barely be able to see the city of Canterlot over the distant horizon. Indeed, that was exactly what the unicorn was gazing at. Thoughts whirled inside his head as he contemplated his mission.







Fourteen years ago:

“Daddy?” A young True Blue wobbled on three legs, his other wrapped around a short spear. “Why do I have to learn how to fight? Why can’t I go out and play with the other colts from school?”

Loyal Spear sighed, trotting over to his unbalanced son. He put a hoof on Blue’s chest, pushing it up.

“Keep your back straight, son. You will get tired more quickly if you don’t. As for your question, the answer is simple.”

The Spear family’s patriarch lifted his child’s chin until their eyes were locked onto each other, a scant few inches between them. Ensuring his son’s attention was caught, the father began a speech which he had desired to give for many years. “As I heard from my father, so now I shall tell you.”

True’s eyes widened in surprise. His grandfather had died long before Blue had been old enough to know him. Loyal Spear rarely spoke of his father, always diverting to a different subject when it had come up. Maybe now Blue would finally find out why!

“Our house has served as guardians of Equestria for a long time. Indeed, it was your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,…..”

Blue’s eyes began to spin as his father droned on and on until finally he stopped.

“…great grandfather, Delusional Spear who established our house as nobility. He was a war hero, Blue, a survivor of the Pony/Griffin war of 637.” 

“Whoa,” exclaimed the unicorn colt. “What did he do?”

“What did he do!? Why, he single-hoofedly took on the entire griffin army, that’s what! Delusional Spear (or Louie, as he preferred to be called), used his magic to change the very face of Equestria. There he stood, the only pony keeping the savage beaked monsters from feasting upon the fleeing refugees of the village.”

True Blue shivered at the thought of pony-eating griffins, subconsciously gripping his spear tighter.

Loyal Spear continued the story, his enthusiasm increasing with every word. “Strangely enough, Louie never displayed any magical prowess before the event which changed his life forever. As the invaders approached, Louie bravely called out: 

‘Uh, where did everypony go? And why are those birds getting bi—wait, who’s there?!’

To this the griffins laughed, gazing down upon the lone unicorn and judging him to be easy prey. Three of their strongest warriors landed in a circle around him, brandishing their metal-shod talons. 

‘Hello there, pony,’ they purred, evil smirks upon their faces. ‘Are you trying to protect your villagers? How cute. Unfortunately for you, we are going to eat EVERY SINGLE ONE!’ 

As the griffins erupted into maniacal laughing, even the brave Delusional Spear (again, he very much preferred Louie) took a step back. Regardless, he quickly regained his courage and responded bravely:

‘Wh-wh-wh-what d-do you m-mean eat us? Th-that’s not very n-nice.’”

True Blue frowned. “Daddy, why did Louie stutter so much? Wasn’t he a brave hero? He wouldn’t be scared of a few mean ol’ griffins.”

“I… don’t know son. I’m just telling you the story my father told me. Maybe he had a speech impediment or something?”

Blue nodded. That made sense. Of course Delusional Spear wasn’t afraid. Nopony could scare him!

“Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes. The griffins taunted the brave unicorn. They made sad faces and acted as though they were crying.

‘Aww, look at the poor little pony. He’s all afraid, crying like a baby, boohoo!’

Louie did not give into fear. He put on a resolute expression steeling himself for the inevitable fight. One last time he offered mercy to the poor fools before them, giving them a final chance to escape with their lives.

‘*sniff* P-please d-don’t hurt me.’ (Of course, “me” meant “my village and me” in Old Equestrian, son. This was basically a final warning to the griffins to back off or else!)

The evil griffins cackled maniacally, stepping closer to Louie. And that, dear son, is when a miracle occurred. The formerly inept mage Delusional Spear lit his horn with a pure white light, almost as if the sun itself was reflecting off of it. He let out a war cry, a tribute to Princess Celestia, the mother of Equestria.

‘M-m-mommy!’”

True Blue pranced about in anticipation, his long-forgotten spear lying in the dirt.

“What happened then, huh? What happened next, Daddy?”

“Well son.” Loyal Spear leaned in closer and whispered three words into his son’s ears. Three words which would change the impressionable foal’s life forever.

“The sun exploded.”







True Blue was startled from his trip into the past by a harsh knocking on the door. He shook the glazed look from his eyes and then frowned.

“Who could be knocking on the door? I’m not expecting anypony today. And why does the knock sound almost… angry? Huh, guess I better not upset them more by making them wait.”

By the end of his train of thought, Blue was already at the door, handle twisting in his azure magic. As he opened the door he donned a friendly smile, beginning his normal greeting:

“Welcome to the guard recruitment office, how may I help…”

True’s speech faded as he gazed into what appeared to be a window to an alternate dimension. Through the window he beheld himself, only slightly different. Azure mane, alabaster coat, polished horn; Blue’s perfect double stared back at him angrily. The only difference between the two unicorns was their attire. While Blue was wearing a sleek, black sports coat (strange attire for somepony who was planning on sitting in an office all day, but everypony has their own personal tastes.), the stallion across from him was outfitted in shiny gold armor and holding a sharp spear….

Oh. OH!

This was not an alternate reality at all. This was, in fact, a typical royal guard who just so happened to look like True Blue’s perfect twin.

A royal guard who was currently glaring daggers at Blue.

“Ahem,” Blue cleared his throat nervously. He recognized this guard, of course. He had been one of Blue’s “recruits”. That, however, did not mean that the guard recognized him. Blue had made sure of that.

“Um, can I help you, officer?”

The guard finally spoke, a hint of disdain in his voice.

“Indeed you can. You are the recruiter known as “True Blue” are you not?”

Blue began sweating. A guard, at his doorstep, asking for him? This was not good. Not good at all.

“I—yes, that is my name.”

“Good,” the guard responded. “I am going to have to ask you to come with me immediately. You are late enough as it is.” As he spoke, the guard began trotting briskly down the street, motioning for True to follow. The unicorn citizen quickly recovered from his surprise, breaking into a short run to catch up.

“Er, I’m late, sir? Late for what?”

Not even glancing back, the guard responded in a grim tone. “Late for lunch. Lunch with Princess Celestia, that is. Didn’t you get the letter?”

True Blue came to a sudden halt, his legs seizing up underneath him. Wide-eyed, he gazed forward at nothing, thoughts cascading through his mind.

“What?! Lunch with the princess? WHAT?! I did not get any letter this morn—” Blue’s thoughts came to a screeching halt as he remembered what chore he had forgotten to do this morning. Several blocks over, within a certain pony’s post office box, a letter adorned with the royal seal of Equestria itself lay unseen and unread.

True Blue raised his head, looking up at the guard, who had turned around after noticing Blue was no longer following.

“I, uh, forgot to check my mail today…sir.”

A momentary look of pity flashed across the formerly angry stallion’s. The guard stepped forward and gave Blue a comforting pat on the shoulder.

“Well that IS unfortunate.”







Viscount True Blue
The Noble House Spear
P.O. Box 124
Ponyville, EQ
 
We have recently noticed some strange occurrences within our Royal Guard. These occurrences appear to be related to certain recruits; namely, those whom you have recruited. We hope that you may be able to shed some light on the subject, as the implications of it are quite concerning. Please be prepared to meet with us at high noon at the “La Verite Revelee Café” in Ponyville upon the morrow, March 22nd.

Regards,

Princess Celestia
Diarch of Equestria, Bringer of Light, Herald of the Day, Ruler of the Sun
The Royal Castle
Canterlot, EQ
> 5. Cascading Boulders
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

800 years ago…

Tea. A most wonderful concoction, originally birthed when a desperate earth pony boiled the ever-lovin’ hay out of several assorted grasses and leaves in an effort to produce the elixir of immortality. The resulting liquid was a dark brown, tasted like dirt, and may or may not have been poisonous to modern day ponies. Those were different times, however, and the flavor of dirt just so happened to taste marginally better than the alternative of disgustingly brackish water fetched from a stagnant well.

New Leaf recognized the potential in this fact and capitalized on it. Following his true calling (and living up to his name), he put aside all of his former vain efforts at deciphering the greatest mystery known to alchemists and began experimenting with drinks flavored by various leaves and grasses. Three years and thirteen hundred plants later, Leaf finally discovered a plant whose leaves both tasted good and did NOT give the drinker stomach pains.

His fellow villagers were quite surprised when the herb-gathering stallion began selling beverages along with his typical flora, but their surprise soon turned to appreciation upon trying the new drink. They begged New Leaf to share with them the secrets of his delightful concoction. When he refused, they pleaded with him to at least grant a name to the drink. 

Being an academically minded being, Leaf had planned to name the drink after the plant from which it came (that being Tilia Platyphyllus) as well as himself. Unfortunately, just as he opened his mouth to vocalize this, a young zebra mare pushed her way to the front of the crowd and repeated the question the crowd had asked.

“Please, sir, do not keep us in suspense. I beg of you to tell us the name of this wonderful drink!”

As New Leaf had never before even spoken with a member of the female race, this abrupt and direct confrontation caused an eruption of several magnitudes within the stallion’s befuddled brain. From his confused stuttering at the pretty zebra before him (who definitely knew exactly what she was doing), the crowd only managed to hear the syllables “Ti” and “Leaf”.

Thus “tea leaves” were invented. The actual veracity of this story cannot be confirmed, but rumor says that the princess herself had been present during this exchange. Upon tasting the newly dubbed “tea” she had promptly married the hapless stallion and flirtatious zebra (who definitely had NOT intended to take it that far) on the spot! 





Back in the present:

Shaking herself from her reminiscence, Princess Celestia took a small sip from her delicate teacup as she studied the flustered stallion before her. The recruiter True Blue looked exactly as she had expected. A unicorn with a pure white coat, skillfully styled mane of two-toned blue, and turquoise eyes which were darting every which way as if searching for some form of escape from the solar diarch of Equestria. Setting her teacup down with a solid *clink*, the princess put on her most regal smirk. The stallion before her gulped nervously at the ominous sound, glancing up and offering a nervous smile in return.

“My dear True Blue, we are most curious as to how your recruiting business fares. Please, enlighten us as to the goings on of your establishment. Spare no details, as we wish to know everything.”

“I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, the princess will find out everything and I’m. Going. To. Die.”

These were the thoughts currently plaguing True Blue as he sweltered before the imposing ruler of the sun. It did not help that they were seated in the outdoor area of the La Verite Revelee Café under the full sun with no breeze or cloud cover whatsoever. 

(Several blocks away, a certain prismatic weather captain was spewing a torrent of near-profanities as the thirty-seventh cloud she had created melted into nothing in under a minute. As skilled as Rainbow Dash was, even she could not combat the vengeful presence of the sun incarnate herself.)

Clearing his throat, the panicking True Blue managed to put on a semi-confident expression as his brain worked feverishly to come up with an acceptable explanation. Lying was not his forte, but with a little luck he just might be able to talk his way out of a death sentence. 

“I, er…, of course, your highness! It would be an ho—great honor to share with you the details of my humble recruiting agency.” 

As the words flowed from Blue’s muzzle, he began to regain a portion of his usual confidence. 

“I have been operating all across central Equestria, identifying and targeting young individuals who display a propensity for standing still for long per—I mean, great potential for Guard related… duties. I make regular trips to nearby cities such as Baltimare and Manehatten, as well as smaller settlements like Appleoosa and of course my home base of Ponyville. Considering the number of ponies which I have recruited over the last year, I would say that the recruitment business is going quite well, your highness.”

As far as unscripted speeches go, this was one of Blue's best. Sure, every word of it was an absolute falsehood, but it should be believable enough for the princess. This did describe exactly what Blue had been doing prior to his discovery of "a better way", after all. 

Of course, it pained the unicorn greatly to lie directly to the beautiful face of his ruler. It was for her own good though. The princess would be rather displeased if she discovered the recruiter's actual methods. 

No, strike that. The princess would be absolutely furious if she even began to suspect what methods True Blue employed in his efforts to provide Equestria with loyal soldiers ready to die for their country. He would be banished so fast that not even Pinkie Pie could see it coming! (This is an exaggeration. Pinkie would most definitely know all about his banishment well before it happened. She is Pinkie Pie, after all.)

Blue finished up his cover story with a confident smirk as he even braved taking a sip from his own cup of tea. *bleh!* His smirk devolved into a light frown when he tasted the liquid, having forgotten to add any sugar in his initial nervousness. As the seconds ticked on, True Blue’s ears flattened when the princess of magnificence failed to give any response to what he thought was a perfectly acceptable speech. His expression wilted completely when Celestia sighed and clicked her tongue in exasperation.

“Tsk tsk. True Blue, what am I to do with you?”

The poor unicorn cowered away from the princess as she donned a stern expression. The very air around them grew heavy and humid. The sun’s heat suddenly grew to a blistering level, causing Blue to let out a rather high-pitched whimper. All around them, the other café tables emptied in quick succession, the local residents taking shelter inside from the uncomfortable warmth of a sun avatar’s disappointment.

In Celestia’s mind all was playing out as she had envisioned. “Ha, the stallion can’t keep up that confident front before me! I see through your deceptions, True Blue. You’re a cad! A bigoted unicorn who believes in the superiority of white-coated, blue-maned stallions, just like my foolish nephew. I cannot believe that ponies such as yourself still exist, favouring only those like themselves who possess pure ancestry, perfect poise, defined muscles, flowing manes, handsome fac—*ahem* 

Nevermind all that. I will get you to confess to your biased methods, targeting only those ponies who look the part. Let’s see. How about I turn the heat up, eh? Add fifteen, maybe twenty degrees to the air surrounding us. That will make you nice and sweaty. Perhaps that will get you to confess faster!”

Taking one final sip from her tea, the princess frowned at the quivering stallion before launching her tirade.

“I do not believe you grasp the gravity of this situation, My. Little. Pony. I have seen the records. I have counted your numbers. We know exactly what is going on here you bigot!”

True Blue’s mind was whirling, his thoughts everywhere and yet nowhere! The sounds of the outside world had dimmed, his focus only on the crushing words of his accuser, his executioner, his princess. The smell of singed fur reached his nose but his brain did not register it. 

All was lost now. The princess had discovered his fraud and had come to administer his punishment. Never mind that there were no written records of what he had done. Never mind that there was no possible way for anypony in the know to have betrayed him. Never mind that—wait… 

Nervousness was momentarily replaced with confusion as Blue scrunched up his face at the unexpected word. “Er, did you say bigot?” 

His confusion was only further compounded as her royal highness, the solar princess of Equestria, proceeded to lecture him on the value of each and every pony, no matter what their background or appearance. As she continued with her misguided (though perfectly rational) accusations, True Blue slowly began to understand how such a misunderstanding had occurred. A new panic arose within him, as well as a new trail of thought. Namely, how to persuade the princess that he was innocent of what she assumed while carefully avoiding the discussion of what he was actually guilty.



 

One terrifying lecture later:

“I’ve got him now!” thought the benevolent ruler of Equestria, barely containing a devious grin that would have made even Nightmare Moon balk. “Just one more little push and threat and this handso—*ahem*—haaapless stallion will reveal all of his secrets. Now, my little pony, CONFESS!”

Meanwhile, Blue was indeed panicking, though it was for a very different reason. “Why, WHY?! WHY DIDN’T I REMEMBER TO CHANGE THEIR COAT COLORS? It’s not a very difficult spell. It’s not even illegal!”

“…and so, based on the evidence that I have seen with my own two eyes, I am left with little choice but to conclude that you, military recruiter True Blue, are discriminating against other types of ponies solely due to—”

“COUSINS!”

“…I beg your pardon?”

“They’re—” Blue squeaked and cleared his throat. Eyes darting to and fro, looking anywhere but at the Princess’s illustrious face. “They are all my cousins, your highness.”

An awkward silence descended upon the pair. True Blue still refused to make eye contact, nervously fiddling with his teacup. Sweat poured down his askew collar, glistening as it steadily evaporated in the sweltering heat. Finally, the princess ended the quiet with a light cough.

*ahem* “Your cousins?”

“…yes.”

“All of them?”

“Yes, your highness.”

“Every single one?”

True Blue gulped. Here he was before the ruler of all Equestria, the most powerful pony in existence (or so he thought), the very being who raised the sun every morning, and he was lying to her. “I should stop now. I need to tell her the truth. It’s not like I’m doing much wrong anyways. It’s only a bit of illegal use of mind magic, illegal exploitation of an unknown magical phenomenon, illegal hoarding of weaponry, illegal falsification of government documents, illegal magic-for-profit tax evasion…” The almost hyperventilating stallion drew in a shuddering breath. This truly had to stop NOW. He opened his mouth to confess the truth and…

“Pretty much. We have a very widespread family.” 

AAAARRGGHH!! WHAT AM I DOING?! WHY DIDN’T I CONFESS!?

Donning a confident smirk, Blue continued, “We’re prone to military-related cutie marks as well. Since I know all that quite well, it makes my job rather easy. I just need to ask around at every family reunion and see who’s interested.”

I’m such a coward. I wish the ground would just eat me right now.

“Actually, I have a pegasus friend whose family is in a very similar position. Most of the pegasi recruits come from them.”

Aaaand now I’ve dragged Firm Feathers into this as well. Stupid, STUPID PINHEAD! How could my father give birth to such a dunderface?!

“If you would like to speak with him as well, your highness, I could certainly fetch him for you. He’s usually available at this time of day, napping or lounging around Ponyville Park.

Giving out personal information with which he can easily be identified as well. I see, nice going Blue. At least you didn’t outright say his—

“His name is Firm Feathers!”

…I hate you so much brain.







My Dear Twilight,

  I realize this is rather short notice, but I must ask you to be prepared for one more to join us at this afternoon’s tea. The business which brought me here to Ponyville has taken an unexpected turn. Indeed, I am quite perplexed. Perhaps I have misunderstood something and acted rashly, thus offending one of my subjects without cause. This, however, I doubt. Something strange is occurring in this town, and it all revolves around a stallion by the name of True Blue.

  Please ensure that Applejack wears her Element of Honesty to our gathering. The stallion True Blue will be in attendance, and we have a great need to confirm that he speaks the truth. I will see you soon, Twilight.

In hopes of uncovering the truth,

Princess Celestia 
> 6. Thunder in the Valley
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Big Macintosh strained against his harness, pulling with every ounce of his magically enhanced earth pony strength.  The taut strap gave an ominous *creak* as the overloaded cart slowly yielded to the farmpony’s persistence. Sweat poured down the stallion’s sun-beaten brow in streams. The weather had not been kind today.

“Welp, Granny warned us,” Mac thought to himself. “Got no clue how she knew, but I ain’t seen a single cloud all day long. Where is that darned weather pony?”

Across the freshly furrowed field, his sister Applejack shared his sentiments, though in a slightly more vocal way.

“CONSARNIT RAINBOW DASH, WHERE THE HAY ARE YOU YA LAZY VARMINT!? OF ALL THE LAZIEST, DUMBEST, FLERTYTOOTINIST, FEATHER-BRAINED, UNDERHOOFED, TRAITOROUS, COW-HEADED…”

Macintosh tuned his sister out in favor of glaring at the sun above. Normally the humble stallion held nothing but the highest respect for the illustrious solar princess. Today, however, was an exception. You see, Macintosh Apple was no dumb pony. At least not in the meaning of the word having to do with knowledge. The crimson stallion was painfully aware that the current outdoor temperature was at least twenty degrees hotter than what the weather team (*cough*, Rainbow Dash) had forecasted. That by itself would have been sufficient cause to warrant an angry visit to the prismatic mare’s cloud house/mansion/palace/homethingy. (Seriously, how she even got a zoning permit for such a huge residence was beyond him.)

“…SINGLE-MINDED, FOALISH, IRRESPONSIBLE, HALF-WITTED, DERISIBLE, DUNDERSOULED,…”

What set this day apart, though, was the complete lack of moisture in the air, something Macintosh had experienced only once before. Several years ago, Macintosh had visited the vast deserts of the Badlands in southern Equestria during a “family business trip”. Seven-year-old Little Mac had wondered what sort of “business” would require his ancient grandmother to travel out into the middle of the desert where, inexplicably, an entire tribe of primitive bug-ponies popped out of the ground and proceeded screech at the pair in a rather rude fashion. Nonplussed, Granny Smith merely stomped her hooves on the ground twice, whereupon a loud rumble sounded and the earth shook for a solid half hour. 

The bug-ponies became rather subdued after that, or at least that is what Little Mac inferred from their trembling, prostrate forms flattened on the ground. After several hours of equal coaxing and threatening by the crotchety mare, a pair of the chitinous ponies appeared carrying a glowing pink barrel. This seemed to cause some distress to the crowd, as they began emanating a great amount of wailing chirps and various other mournful noises. This rather creepy dirge soon turned to sounds of rejoicing, however, as Granny Smith proceeded to plant a loud and utterly inappropriate kiss on each of the barrel bearers’ foreheads. The offended ponies/beings turned pink, both literally and, um, literallier. 

Macintosh did not think that having liquid pink goo gushing from every orifice on your body could possibly be healthy, and said as much to his grandmother. Granny Smith snorted and replied that it was quite healthy for THESE ponies thank you very much. Little Mac wisely shut up after that and assisted his grandmother in lugging the large and dangerous-looking barrel back to Ponyville. In an equally wise decision, he also determined to never speak of the occurrences of that trip to anypony.

Returning to the present, Macintosh came to the conclusion that the complete lack of moisture in the atmosphere was probably a contributing factor to both the unbearableness of the heat and the apparent inability of the weather ponies (*cough*, Rainbow Dash) to create cloud cover. As previously mentioned, Macintosh Apple was certainly not a dumb pony.

“…WHEN I GET MY HOOVES ON YA…”

Applejack, on the other hoof, did not seem to hold the same opinion as her brother, preferring to viciously attribute all her woes on the hapless Rainbow Dash (who was currently passed out on the roof of Ponyville’s guard recruitment center).

Sighing, Macintosh returned to the monumental task of hauling his heaping cart of apples to the nearest barn. The cool, dark cellar beneath would provide a protected storage for the crimson fruits. He could only hope that they would not spoil before he got there.





Blue stared into the frosted glass, trying to decipher the soul of the morose and pallid stallion gazing back. His normally royal blue mane was the color of midnight, drenched in nervous sweat. War drums echoed throughout the shower stall. Distantly, Blue recognized that it was probably unhealthy for his heart to beating so loudly. As if under a spell, he watched, fascinated as a white hoof pulled on the faucet handle. The resulting deluge of cold water caused him to collapse, his still-quivering legs finally relieved of their burden. As the cascade continued, Blue took a calming breath. And another. And another. Several minutes later he slumped against his bathroom wall, having finally calmed his palpitating heart.

The princess questioned me. She had me on the ropes. And I… I lied to her! I lied to her, and she believed me!

Blue shuddered as he recalled what was definitely the worst hour of his life to date.

Princess Celestia even apologized to me for her incorrect assumptions. Granted, it was rather insulting that she would call me a bigot to my face—but I am still a liar!

Blue groaned and shoved his face deeper into his towel, ruffling his mane as it dried back to its normal color. Not only had the princess apologized, but she had also invited him to evening tea as an apology. A teatime which would undoubtedly be just as uncomfortable as the one he had survived earlier. 

Blue paused. How strange. What kind of pony has tea multiple times a day? That seems a bit… excessive. Aha! The princess must have planned to have already departed from Ponyville by this evening. She probably has a very busy schedule. Yet she has graciously granted me more of her precious time in order to properly apologize. What a wonderful ruler you are, princess! 



 

A few miles away, Celestia cackled madly from within the leaves of an apple tree as she watched her panicked guard scrabble around in panic as he desperately tried to find his escaped princess.

What genius, what wit! Now I can have TWO cakes in one day! Not only that, but Applejack’s Element of Honesty is the perfect trap to catch this stallion in his deceptions… whatever they might be. Equestria, behold the greatness of your princess! “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Big Mac backed away from the possessed apple tree with terror on his face. “Nnnnnope nnnope nnnope!”





Blue finished drying off and immediately began to style his mane. He had failed to look his best for the princess earlier, when he had not expected the visit. He would not make the same mistake again. Having finally completed his ablutions, the alabaster stallion turned to his wardrobe. The black sports coat which he had worn earlier was in a sad state of disarray, courtesy of the intense heat and pressure of a disgruntled sun princess. It was certainly in no state to be worn again. Fortunately, True Blue was a viscount, a middle-class noble of a well-off lineage. He had spared no expense in stocking his wardrobe, that being a luxury every noble must possess. With a flourish of his hoof, Blue threw open the door to display its contents…

…which were revealed to be seven more completely identical black sports coats. For all his good looks, Blue’s sense of style was sadly lacking. Unfortunately for the poor stallion, nopony had ever thought to teach him the intricacies of fashion. Instead, his mother (who was perhaps the only member of his family who possessed more than a modicum of common sense) had gifted him with one of these sports coats upon his graduation from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. At his graduation party that night, Blue received numerous compliments on his stylish attire from the beautiful mares in attendance. As he was but a susceptible young stallion, these comments led Blue to believe that he had discovered the pinnacle of style in dress. Combining this thought with his father’s teaching that “one can never have too much of a good thing”, Blue promptly went out the next day and ordered several more of the same coat.





Several blocks away, Sweetie Belle fled in terror as an ear-piercing wail began emanating from the first floor of a certain boutique. The Element of Style Element of Generosity knew not where her sudden sorrow had come from, but she somehow sensed that a great travesty of fashion had occurred.





Unaware of the distress he has caused, True Blue pushed his forelegs through the sleeves of a white button-up. Turning to his dresser, he used his navy magic to open the ornate mahogany jewelry box thereupon. He felt no shame or embarrassment in doing so, as every proper stallion in Equestria of course owned a jewelry box! The carvings on said box depicted his ancestor Delusional Spear (better known as Louie) defending himself against a horde of savage griffons. While this scene itself was perhaps historically inaccurate, it displayed the spirit in which the Spear household was born.

From the jewelry box True Blue plucked a pair of sapphire and silver cufflinks, which were fashioned into a nearly perfect representation of his cutie mark: Two curved swords crossing over a spear with a royal blue pennant affixed just below the point of the spear. After donning these cufflinks, Blue shrugged on his sleek ebony jacket with smirk. The stress of the afternoon had been monumental, but his confidence had finally returned.

Alright, Blue, it’s showtime! That was a close call earlier, but I managed it quite well. The lies I was forced to tell were unfortunate, but my cause is just. Someday the princess will understand the heavy burdens which my family has been forced to bear. Someday she will see the sacrifices we have had to make. For now, though, I must see this deception through to the end. 

I need to focus on tonight. There will be no visit to the cave—*cough*—research facility tonight. I need all my attention on allaying any remaining suspicions the princess may have. Thankfully, I can afford to delay my work for a day or two. Firm Feathers will underst—

True Blue froze at the thought of his pegasus assistant. Trotting over to the door of his bedroom, he tugged it open to reveal the rest of the basement.

“Firm?” he called out. “Firm, are you there?” Several seconds of silence passed. Finally a loud *snort* sounded from the couch across the room. True Blue smiled as he walked over to the couch, discovering his gray friend passed out, still clutching a broom from the wild war of cleaning they had waged that morning. Blue chuckled as he summoned a scrap of paper and quill.

“You featherbrained stallion. Why would you get up so early if the result is you sleeping through the afternoon?” Shaking his head, Blue scrawled a quick message instructing Firm Feathers to avoid the facility until further notice, as their work was to be put on halt immediately. The unicorn tied the message to his friend’s left hoof using a bit of twine. Taking a step back, Blue surveyed his work with pride, and then gave a sudden gasp.

“The mail! I still haven’t checked my box today. And the post office is on the complete opposite side of the town from the library where we will be having tea. I must rectify this immediately! Sorry, Firm, but the letter will have to do. I barely have enough time to make it as it is.”

True Blue charged upstairs, crashing through the heavy basement door as he hurried to complete his errand. Meanwhile, Firm’s only reaction was a slight grumble at the disturbance which had nearly broken his slumber. Flipping to his other side, the snoozing stallion stuck a hoof in his mouth and continued his dreaming. Unfortunately, the taste of fresh ink soon invaded his dream, as the hoof inside of his mouth just so happened to be the one with a letter attached to it. This prompted him to a sudden and rather unpleasant awakening.

“Gah! Erf!” Blegh! Firm gagged as he coughed up the now wet paper. His drowsiness broken in such a distasteful manner, Firm focused his attention on the offending object and glared at the moist message before him. Unfortunately, the damp of the inside of his mouth mixed with the fresh ink quite poorly, turning the previous warning against visiting the laboratory into a completely different directive. Firm Feathers widened his eyes as he processed the short but commanding letter. 

Attempting to fly while still half asleep is generally advised against by pegasus doctors. Firm soon discovered this as he tumbled off the couch in a strangely accurate imitation of a flopping fish. Not to be deterred, the pegasus quickly righted himself and dashed up the stairs. He crashed through the front door with a loud *whoop!*, causing a massive cloud of pigeons to spring from the eaves of the building. This cloud caused two seemingly insignificant events, which would ultimately have a devastating effect on the events of the evening:

First, the pigeons obscured Firm’s vision, preventing him from seeing True Blue, who had exited the building just seconds earlier. If he had seen his unicorn boss and questioned him on the rather vague contents of the message (which, by the way, was still attached to his hoof), the misunderstanding would have been cleared up. Firm would not have continued his mad dash towards the cave, and no secrets would have been revealed.

Second, the veritable horde of pigeons attracted the attention of a certain pony partial to parties with a penchant for pursuing all peculiar occurrences performed within Ponyville. Pinkie Pie had certainly never seen a pigeon tornado before. With her curiosity piqued, the easily-distracted party pony abandoned her previous journey to Twilight’s library for tea and bounced after the conspicuous gray pegasus, who was currently fleeing from said pigeon tornado for the safety of the secret cave located just outside of Ponyville. In his haste to escape the enraged avians, Firm would fail to notice his pursuer, thus inadvertently causing the third natural disaster in Ponyville that week, which would later come to be known as the Pink Tide of Doom.





Firm,

Plans have changed. Avoid the Facility until further notice. Work is to be put on halt Immediately!

~T.B.