BZZZT
It happened sometime around the ninth season. Discord had always been a thorn in her side, sure, but she could understand why he was popular, even if he was a teeth-grating annoyance in her eyes. Discord was quirky! Discord was random! Discord was voiced by a popular actor with a lot of fans! Discord was, for many viewers, the kind of wildly-powerful self-insert that they wanted to write for themselves, with just enough “bad boy” energy that he also ticked boxes for those with the antihero crushes. He wasn’t a pony, he was cooler than a pony! (Nevermind that the show was called “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic” and not “My Little Mary Sue: Douchebaggery Is Hip.”)
But where other fans saw a cool dude to project themselves on, she saw a creepy older male being foisted upon a group of young women, who luckily had the opportunity to defeat him through the power of friendship … and then saw him brought back, over and over again, in more and more contrived plot points which were more mumbled than any other storyline in the entire series. (In her humble opinion, of course; she had quite a few of those, but she tried not to let on.) He was shoehorned into the series almost as clumsily as the damn train was!
The entire point of the show, she would type at 6000 words per minute, was to depict female friendship in all of its myriad of ways, and at times explain what it meant to be a good friend. Sometimes it would teach moral lessons, like ‘lying is bad’. But the only lesson she could take from Discord was ‘if you have a creepy older man in your life who treats you badly and literally brainwashes and tortures your friends, you should attempt to befriend him so he can continually abuse and betray you!’
Then, the ninth season finale happened. She knew she had to do something.
She didn’t have a lot of ideas how to get to Equestria, but the internet was a wonderful place. She woke up in a tangle of limbs, her “EZ FLIGHT 2 EQUESTRIA!” candle still burning next to her. The last thing she remembered was reading off a list of complicated Latin from her cell phone, sitting on a detailed pony-influenced summoning circle drawn in chalk in her basement. And now she was … well, there.
She rose on shaky legs to survey her surroundings, brushing the grass off of her leggings. Everything was incredibly vivid - including herself, she realized, looking down at her hands. Well, that was one problem avoided; she wouldn’t be a horrifying 3-D monster traversing a 2-D landscape. Everything looked 3-D to her, of course; it looked just like her own world. Only, you know … pinker.
It looked like she was in a field somewhere outside of Ponyville; that was good, since the show’s location mechanics had always been, shall we say, ‘fluid.’ Canterlot was either a day’s train ride away, or a quick flight, depending on what the plot called for.
It wasn’t until she walked into town and the first ponies gaped at her that she realized her biggest mistake; she hadn’t remembered that she was a human in a world that had no humans. Aw, fiddlesticks.
“What are you!” the first bravest pony asked - Lyra, she realized with a flash of recognition. This is a little too on the nose, even for me, she thought to herself, watching the way Lyra’s eyes darted to her hands.
“Well, I’m, uh, I’m - a visitor to Equestria!” she shouted, confidently, and lifted her arms for some reason. Stop that! She couldn’t stop it; that would be weirder, wouldn’t it?
“Hey! A visitor!” several ponies whispered among themselves. She was amassing a bit of a crowd now. Idly, she wished she’d dressed for a formal occasion; somehow she felt underdressed, even among the nude ponies.
“What kind of visitor?” Bon Bon asked suspiciously, her eyes narrowing as she drew even with Lyra. Protectively, she thought; that was very cute. “Where are you from?”
“I’m - uh - I’m from -” drat! These ponies were already figuring her out! “I’m from - Pixie Glen! I’m, uh, a fairy!”
“If you’re from Pixie Glen, why aren’t you a pixie?” Bon Bon asked suspiciously.
“Well, why aren’t you a unicorn?” she responded sharply. “It’s different.”
Bon Bon looked suspicious, but snapped her mouth shut.
“Don’t fairies have wings?”
“Tragic workplace accident, that’s why I had to relocate. Anti-union busters, you know how it is.” Calm down, calm down, you’re putting in too much backstory! And put your arms down, it’s been like half an hour!!
“Well, what’s your name?”
“My - name?” Crap. Her eyes darted around wildly, and her eyes landed on the fountain with a stone pony atop it. For a split second, she is transported back to Italian 1 with Signore Franco. “It’s - Fontana. Fontana Beyoncé.”
Well, if she had to pick a new name, why not go big?
“Well, Miss Beyoncé,” Mayor Mare pushed her way to the front, all smiles, “let me be the first to say that I welcome you most sincerely to our little town! We are always excited to have newcomers here, and I’d be happy to show you around Ponyville if you’d like!”
“Oh, no need! I, uh, I’m looking for someone, actually!” Fontana said quickly, trying to reflect the toothy grin back to her. “Can anyone point me to Fluttershy’s house?”
The ponies looked at each other for a quiet moment.
“How do you know who Fluttershy is?” Bon Bon asked, suspicious once more. She’d probably never stopped being suspicious, Fontana figured. Good for her, but why couldn’t she point that suspicion at Discord? Then I could have saved that $19.95 on the candle!
“Oh, Fluttershy’s kindness is well known to the fairy folk!” Fontana made a little wiggle with her hand on ‘fairy’, hoping that it looked properly ethereal despite her H&M leggings. “The animals tell us wonderful things about her!”
“How lovely!” Mayor Mare interjected brightly even as Bon Bon’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll bring you right to her!”
And the plan is coming together, Fontana thought to herself, following the mayor with a bounce in her step. She had to slow herself down a little; she was significantly taller than the little ponies, so her legs had a longer stride. This is probably anthropomorphically important, Fontana thought to herself, and then deliberately never thought of it again.
The walk to Fluttershy’s cottage wasn’t a long one, even though it was in its own little foresty glen. Fontana couldn’t remember just then where Fluttershy’s animal reserve was; then again, she couldn’t remember which season it had first appeared in, either. Eight? Crap!!
“This is Fluttershy’s cottage, if you need anything else -”
“Oh, thanks a lot, Mayor Mare! I appreciate it very much! You’re, uh, a lifetime friend to fairykind!” Fontana offered clumsily, and Mayor Mare beamed.
“A lifetime friend!! Ooh, I’m adding that to my wall!” Mayor Mare hummed to herself as she trotted off, quietly murmuring her new title to herself. “A lifetime friend to the fairies! Mayor Mare: friend to ponies and fairies alike! Vote for her; she’s a friend to all!”
I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass, Fontana thought to herself as she crossed over the little bridge and knocked briskly on Fluttershy’s front door.
It was only when Fluttershy actually answered the door that Fontana realized, with a thrill of horror, that she had not prepared for what actually wooing Fluttershy would entail.
“Hello…? Oh! Aren’t you a strange critter?” Fluttershy gasped, her eyes slowly moving up the strange, long-limbed human frame standing on her doorstep. “Are you lost, big guy?”
“I’m a girl! I mean, I’m a woman! I mean - I’m a fairy!” Fontana failed twice, then succeeded, already off-footed. (And not off-hooved, since she was a person!) “Hello! I’m looking for … Fluttershy?”
“Ooh! That’s me!” Fluttershy smiled brightly. “What are you? Oh, pardon me; who are you?”
“Well, my name is Fontana,” Fontana began a little clumsily, stumbling over her own name. It felt unkind, to lie to someone who was smiling up at her so innocently, so warmly. “Fontana Beyoncé. I’m, uh, a fairy - I lost my wings, and I had to leave Pixie Glen.” Or was it Pixie Hollow? Double crap! “And I recalled that you are known as a friend to the animals, so I thought - perhaps I could come stay with you for a little while?”
That part was a last-minute idea, but it made sense, didn’t it?
“Ooh, a fairy! I don’t know if I’ve ever met one of those!” (You still haven’t, Fontana noted to herself.) Fluttershy smiled brightly up at her, and stepped back. “Won’t you come in? We’re just having tea!”
Fontana Beyoncé locked eyes with her mortal enemy from across the room; the draconequus, Discord.
Her life’s path had all been leading up to this moment. (Well, her path from the last ten years, but who was counting?) She forced a tight smile to her lips, and followed Fluttershy inside. “Lovely! Thank you so much, I’d love to join you.”
“I didn’t say you could join us,” Discord huffed, and Fontana was a little surprised to realize he sounded the same. Well, she supposed, she was in some kind of weird alternate universe in which a children’s television program and successful merchandise line was real. Why shouldn’t he have John DeLancie’s voice? “This is our special friendship tea time!”
“Well,” Fontana said butter-smooth, smiling warmly at Discord as she took the seat Fluttershy guided her to, “I wouldn’t dare decline Fluttershy’s invitation. She’s well known to my kind as a wonderful hostess, of course; and it is her house.”
Discord’s eyes narrowed sharply.
“I’m always glad to make new friends!” Fluttershy interrupted brightly, and brought over a plate of scones. “Do fairies eat scones?”
“Of course! Thank you very much, Fluttershy!” Fontana smiled, and chewed the scone, catching Discord’s glare, and held it. “This scone is so delicious, did you make this?”
“I did!” Fluttershy all but glowed, and Fontana felt something in her chest flutter. No! There was no time for feelings! This was a strictly mercenary mission! “Thank you!”
“You’re very welcome! Oh, may I have some tea, too?”
“Oh no - we’re all out! I’ll go brew some more right away!” And off she went, zooming into the kitchen. A mouse or two may have followed her.
Discord immediately rounded on the human. “Alright, buddy. What’s your game?”
“What game would that be?” Fontana asked evenly, offering him a sweet smile as she brushed crumbs from her shirt. “Gosh, you couldn’t be implying that I would be friends with someone for underhanded or unkind reasons, would you, Discord?”
Discord’s glare sharpened. “I don’t like what you’re implying, and I don’t like you infringing on our special tea time, either!”
“Your special tea time? For your special friend?” Fontana was letting her fan-rage show, and her anger spewed forth in a hot, angry, fast whisper, and she couldn’t quite figure out how to stem the flow. “Us fairies know all about you, jerkbag! We know all about how you like to throw things topsy-turvy because you’re just sO qUIrkY aNd RaNDoM, and you know what? It doesn’t make you special! It doesn’t make you cool! It makes you a shitbag who treats other people like they don’t matter, like he’s the only person who exists in the entire universe! You’re selfish, nasty, rude, entitled, and you’re the worst thing of all in Ponyville: a bad friend!”
Discord gasped, his eyes wide. “You … you don’t think I’m cool?”
“Of course that’s what you would focus on! You egomaniacal, narcissistic -”
“Tea’s done!” Fluttershy returned, and found the pair sitting exactly where she’d left them, smiling at her warmly. “More tea for you as well, Discord dear?”
“Thank you, Fluttershy!” Discord smiled, and handed his cup to her. “I’ve got my eye on you, you stupid little fairy!” he hissed behind Fluttershy’s back as she bent to pour. “I could erase you from existence with a single snap of my -”
BZZZZT
“OH! Discord!!” Fluttershy gasped as Discord suddenly spasmed violently and collapsed to the floor.
“Oh no!” Fontana gasped, and held a little black box aloft; it no longer buzzed angrily. “I think he touched my fairy magic! It’s safely contained in this little box, you see. Oh, I hope he’s alright!”
Not.
“Oh dear!” Fluttershy gasped and knelt beside Discord. “Discord? Are you alright?”
“He’ll be fine, I’m sure!” Fontana smiled and bent down, gently gathering her arms under his armpits. He was still taller than her, but noodley and thin; she could just manage to drag him. “How about we put him on your bed until he recovers?”
“Wuh happen?” Discord slurred, his eyes comically swirly.
“Oh, silly Discord!” Fontana smiled as she hefted him towards Fluttershy’s bed. While Fluttershy busied herself with carrying his tail, Fontana was able to whisper her next words only to him. “I’m not joking, bitch.”
Discord gulped.
“There you go, Dissy-wissy dear!” Fluttershy crooned as she tucked him in, only a few moments later. “You take your time resting up, I’ll save you some tea and crumpets!” Fontana didn’t bother to give him any farewell, but offered a cool wave over Fluttershy’s head.
She had wanted to do that for years.
“Well, it’s just us girls now, isn’t it Fontana?” Fluttershy smiled at her new guest as they returned to their tea, and Fontana had her first taste of Earl Hay Tea. It … wasn’t great. But with enough milk and sugar, of which Fluttershy had plenty, it just tasted like grassy sugar.
“Yes, it sure is!” Fontana smiled gaily; the motion became a little less awkward when she gleefully pictured Discord lying prone in Fluttershy’s bed. How would she transition from ‘your shitty friend got tased’ to ‘hey baby are you single’? But, to her surprise, Fluttershy helped make the transition smoother on her own, when Fontana realized that Fluttershy wasn’t smiling anymore. She was staring down into her teacup, in fact, a little sadly. “Is something wrong, Fluttershy?”
“Oh! Oh, no, it’s fine, I’m fine.” Fluttershy stared down into her teacup for a moment, then sighed.
“You know,” Fontana began gently, despite her previous gleeful violence, “I don’t mind being a shoulder for you to cry on, if you need one. Mine are pretty big, as it turns out.” Fontana indicated with a little point, but she wasn’t prepared for when Fluttershy took her literally, and all but fell onto her.
Note to self; be wary with idioms around ponies.
“I just don’t know what to do,” Fluttershy hiccuped quietly, her large, blue-green eyes glassy with tears. “He’s getting better, I know he is; but he’s still so - so -”
“Who, Discord?” Fontana was doing her best to keep up.
“I heard him arguing with you, when I was in the kitchen; I saw how rude he was when you came! After all of this time, he still treats even my closest friends like they were rude interlopers.” Fluttershy sniffled and twisted her head, hiding it on the boniest part of Fontana’s shoulder. Fontana felt a sudden, deep pity for the little pony, crouched in an awkward position on the arm of her seat, and so she did what felt natural at the time, and gently gathered her into her lap.
Fontana had arrived in Equestria with a clear, simple goal; to get Discord away from Fluttershy by any means necessary, including wooing her away using her superior knowledge of the series and its inhabitants. Calculated and cold, sure; but if the alternative was letting a little pony as gentle as Fluttershy spend a lifetime with a creep, she was willing to make that sacrifice.
But what she hadn’t counted on was just how warm and soft Fluttershy felt in her lap; how gently her little shoulders trembled when Fontana folded her against her chest. She was only a little pony; and right then, crying, she felt so fragile.
Suddenly, she wasn’t so sure of her mission any longer. If he made Fluttershy happy, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tase Discord out of existence after all.
“Sometimes I feel like - like I’m the only friend he has. I feel like I can’t tell him he’s wrong, because - because he gets so hurt,” Fluttershy snuffled, and Fontana felt some of her dislike creep back in. “But he keeps doing such - such -”
“Mean shit?”
Fluttershy gasped and leaned back sharply to stare at Fontana; her lashes still sparkled with unshed tears.
Fontana, to her credit, looked abashed. “Sorry. Did I say that out loud?”
“Y-Yes, you did,” Fluttershy snuffled, and lifted tiny yellow hooves to rub her eyes; Fontana was possessed of the sudden urge to mouth on them. Am I having a stroke?
“Sorry, Fluttershy. I didn’t mean to startle you - I just -” Fontana loosed a deep, annoyed sigh. All of her planning, all of her ideas of ‘gradually befriend her, then start doing nice things for her, figure out her love language (Fontana suspected it was acts of service), ask her friends for advice, take her out to tour a zoo and then surprise her with a kiss’ were rapidly unraveling. Was she going to have to abandon her mission entirely?
“Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked, her eyes still teary.
“I don’t like the way he treats you,” Fontana finally said, flatly. Her brows were furrowed, and Fluttershy’s rose in reply. “He’s - he’s not nice.”
“How do you know the way he treats me?”
“Well - let’s just say where I come from, in the uh - fairy realm - we watch the activities of many other realms with great interest. It’s, uh, something of a hobby, for some of us.”
“A hobby!” Fluttershy gasped. “What kind of other realms are there?”
“Well - there’s realms with dragons and elves, and a realm of witches and wizards, and a realm that takes place with a group of 30-somethings pretending to be teenagers - you know, nevermind, suffice to say there’s a lot of realms, okay?” Fontana was getting off topic! “We, uh, we don’t often - intercede, in the other realms. But this time - well, this time I just had to do something!” Something bigger than a rude tweet to a staff writer.
“I see,” Fluttershy said softly, her small yellow nose still a little reddened from the tears. “So you traveled all the way from the fairy realm, for … for me?”
It was Fontana’s turn to get shy. “Well, I … I guess you could put it that way, yeah.”
“That was awfully brave of you,” Fluttershy murmured.
“I guess I know a lot about you,” Fontana admitted at length, trying to ignore the close way that Fluttershy watched her. It was hard, when she was on her lap, and with eyes as big as an owl’s - maybe bigger. “I know all about your adventures with the Elements of Harmony, for example. I know how brave you can be - so I’m not sure why you let someone like him treat you like you’re lower than dirt. I hated to see it, so I wanted to stop it.”
Fluttershy’s surprise and flattered staring was fading now, replaced with the same forlorn little expression. “Oh, I dunno about that. I just want to be a good friend -”
“You are a good friend, Fluttershy. But you’re not being a good friend to yourself,” Fontana murmured, and reached down, lifting up the little rucksack she’d brought along. “Here. I brought this for you.”
Fluttershy took the book from the fairy’s strangely shaped hooves, considering the title curiously; Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. “Did someone write a book about our realm?”
“Well - no, this one is about our realm. But I think you will find that a lot of the problems we face in our realm are something that you might find applicable to your realm - specifically, to Discord.” Fontana explained gently, and covered one of Fluttershy’s hooves with her own gentle hand. Fluttershy stared down at her hand, considering it thoughtfully. “I thought we could read it together - if you’d be willing to.”
“Well, I’ve always been a fan of reading,” Fluttershy agreed, and brought her eyes back up to the fairy’s face. She was considering her, clearly, and Fontana could feel a bead of sweat as it rolled down the back of her neck. “Will you tell me something? Did you really lose your wings and have to leave Pixie Glen?”
“Well - no. That was a lie,” Fontana admitted softly, letting her eyes drop away. “I thought it might sound weird, if I said I was here because I’d been watching your life.”
Fluttershy was watching her with wide, shining eyes. “Oh yes, it sounds quite weird. Almost like … the beginning of a fairy tale.”
Fluttershy sounded anything but dismayed, Fontana thought. “Oh?” Fontana managed around a suddenly-dry throat.
“Did you know that your paws remind me of a raccoon’s?”
“My - paws?”
“Yes, here; see, the elegant little digits?” Fluttershy murmured, and lifted one of Fontana’s hands with her hoof, cradling it delicately. “I realized why they seemed familiar to me. A raccoon-fae, who abandoned her own realm to venture to another, disguising herself in hopes of rescuing a fair maiden from a cruel fate with a callous immortal.” Fluttershy let her eyes go far away for a moment before she brought them back to Fontana’s sharply. “Is that wholly inaccurate?”
“Well - no.”
“I also saw that you zapped Discord on purpose.”
“You - you don’t seem very upset by that.”
“Well, Discord has the nasty habit of threatening and toying with the lives of the mortals around him, for no other reason than his own amusement; it’s high time he curbed that nasty habit. My kind reproaches don’t seem to be sticking,” Fluttershy replied, her voice more businesslike even as she sighed. “I’ve been treating him like a patient, instead of a friend; I’ve been babying his childish whims in the hopes he would get better under my attention. But … well, he hasn’t. He might have even gotten worse, with the way he bosses my friends around in the hopes of securing my single minded attention,” Fluttershy huffed, and even her huffing was adorable, Fontana noted. “Besides; don’t all of the stories about the fae state that you are not to toy with them unless you wish to suffer great consequences?”
Fontana’s grin was crooked, amused and shocked in turn. “Uh - yeah, they do.”
“So maybe this is the first step to Discord learning to be nicer. Maybe he’ll understand that … it’s not nice when someone hurts you,” Fluttershy nodded to herself, and shifted a little bit on Fontana’s lap.
“Do you want to get down? I didn’t really ask before I grabbed you,” Fontana murmured as she began to shift under her. “Sorry.”
“That’s alright. If - if you are my raccoon fairy,” Fluttershy asked, and she was suddenly shy again, half-hiding behind her long pink mane, “do you think I could … stay?”
“On my lap?”
“I mean - I’ve never had somepony cross an entire realm and tell me that they came to - to whisk me away from a life of difficulty,” Fluttershy’s voice softened to the tiniest whisper at the end, and she finished it off with a tiny squeak.
That shit is much cuter in real life than it has any right to be, Fontana mused.
“I would like it if you stayed,” Fontana murmured, and looped her arms lightly around the little yellow pony, pulling her closer. “Could I show you what fairies do, when they like someone - like enough to cross a realm for them?”
“Oh! Y-yes, please,” Fluttershy whispered, her voice even softer, barely loud enough for Fontana to hear even inches away.
Fontana Beyoncé leaned close and pressed a tiny kiss to Fluttershy’s lips, and for a moment, she didn’t think about the season nine finale at all.