Girl Talk
Let’s get one thing straight: I suck.
No. Not dick. In general. Anyone sane wouldn’t really want to spend time with me one on one, but my friends are in the top ten completely freakin’ nutso creatures in all of Equestria, so they do. And they love it. And I love them.
Don’t tell them I said that.
Anyway I’m eating grass outside of the Treehouse of Friendship—also known as Awesometown, even though Sandbar’s the only one who calls it that. The grass is awful. I’ve never eaten it before and I feel like this has to be a different breed or whatever than the kind of grass that I see ponies eat all the time. The Everfree forest really is a weird place.
There’s rustling behind me. I snap myself backwards and look around, but there’s nothing but forest and bugs and weird grass.
Why am I eating grass?
I don’t want to go inside.
Why don’t I just go to my dorm and nap for a thousand years?
Wouldn’t you like to know.
“Smolder?” a voice calls.
I look up at the terrace on the second story of the Treehouse. It’s Silverstream.
“Hey,” I croak out.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“Avoiding my insecurities,” I tell her.
“Well, come do it inside! The sun’s going to set soon.”
I sigh.
Silverstream’s breath kinda smells like fish right now and that’s the only flaw I can pin on her. Her beak and claws are polished. Her mane has that wild...windswept...thing going on. I’d compare her eyes to some sort of precious gemstone if the whole concept of that wouldn’t make me want to off myself. That’s something that Gallus would do inside of his head and never tell anyone about it. That’s something Ocellus would say out loud without any shame.
Silverstream blinks. “What’s up?”
“You’re literally perfect,” I tell her. I put a little growl into my voice to make it clear that I’m seething in rage.
Silverstream smiles. She’s got a little dimple in her cheek that you only really notice when you’re looking at her up close.
I say, “I hate you.”
She says, “I wonder what the others are up to right now?”
“Doing something cool, obviously,” I tell her.
She nods. “That’s true. What do you think it’s like?”
“I do cool stuff all the time.”
“I meant to go on a friendship mission.”
“Who cares what it’s like?”
“I do…” she says quietly. Then she gives me puppy eyes. I hate puppies. I hate eyes.
“Ugh. It’s probably really awesome. Like this is what they were going to school for and they’re finally doing it.”
Silverstream smiles again. Oh, joy. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
“I know you well,” I say, completely deadpan.
At least the big six-pony couch we dragged up here a few days ago is nice and soft. I’m getting real used to the way that pony things are super soft.
Hopefully the couch doesn’t have any bed bugs. I didn’t even know what bed bugs were until Sandbar had to explain them to me and now I’m really paranoid about getting them. I mean, yeah, I’d burn them all away. They’re bugs. But Yona wouldn’t like that and...from the sounds of things, there’s a lot of them. A lot of little microscopic little bugs biting you. Not a fun time.
In hindsight it wasn’t a good idea to pick up some random couch left by a ditch outside town limits with a sign saying ‘FOR FREE, PLEASE TAKE’ attached, but I’m at the end of my gem stipend from Ember and the rest of us are cheapskates, so this was the only option if we wanted to lounge.
You know what? I hate lounging.
“Why’re you all grumpy today, Smolder?” Silverstream asks. She reaches up and before I can tell her not to she pets my head.
I glare at her. “No reason.”
“It’s not because out of our friends, we’re the only creatures who haven’t been picked by Headmare Twilight’s magic map to go on a friendship mission? And that the others had to go on a mission all at the same time, leaving the two of us behind?”
“Not exactly,” I say.
“Are you jealous?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Then what?”
I fix a look on her. I don’t want to talk about it. Silverstream might be more bubbly than a shaken up can of orange soda but she’s not oblivious. She gets the idea.
“Wanna go shopping?” she asks.
“No.”
“Get food?”
“I thought you already ate?”
“I could go again!”
“I’m good,” I tell her.
“Hmm…” She titters. “Braid my mane?”
I exhale. “Alright.”
She hums happily and turns around, presenting me with the aforementioned wild, windswept ocean wave attached to her thoughtless noggin. I take a few strands and start braiding.
“You think we’re only friends because we happened to be non-ponies going to the same school?” I ask.
“Maybe,” she says.
“Let’s say you wake up tomorrow and you were a pony. What’s your name, your cutie-mark and your tribe?”
“Oh, oh, oh! I’ve thought about this!” she chirps. “Okay. So. You know how us hippogriffs are also seaponies, right?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“And you know how earth ponies are eerily good at swimming?”
I think about the way that Sandbar speeds through water like it’s nothing. I think about the way that he twirls and laughs and dives down and resurfaces to breach the surface by jumping up ten Professor Twilights in the air. I think about how he’s eerily like a shark, and then I think about my secret theory that Sandbar isn’t a pony at all. He’s a weird ancient sea demon that’s just wearing the face of the real Sandbar that he skinned and ate.
“Yeah,” I say.
“I’d be an earth pony,” Silverstream says. “A cute, pink earth pony with bouncy hair. Who’s really good at swimming. A Sea Pony. My special talent would be making boats.”
“Do you know how to make boats right now?” I ask.
“I know how all the different parts fit together, but no, not really!”
“Doesn’t count, then. If you turned into a pony and that was the only change, what would your butt mark be?”
“Oh, riiiiiight, it’d have to be something I already have,” she says. “Um. Maybe…I’d be a painter pony?”
“I can see that,” I tell her. “Would you wanna keep your name?”
“I like my name,” she says. “It’s not pony enough, though. You know? A pony name needs to make you smile when you hear it.”
“What about ‘Pinkie Pie’?” I say.
She snorts. “That’s taken!”
“Cutie Pie?” I suggest, tickling her side.
She giggles and bats my claw away. “That’s too cute!”
“Vanilla Blossom?”
Silverstream looks back, perplexed. “Why?”
“You’re a flavor that no one but the best appreciates.”
She cooes, then laughs. “I thought I was an artist pony?”
“Honestly I completely forgot about that part.”
“Vanilla Blossom works,” she says, turning back around so I can get back to work. About half of her mane is now separated into intricate braids. My claws are just built different—they weave the finest stuff that claws can physically weave.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask.
“Of course, Smoldy!”
“What’d I tell you about that nickname?”
“I don’t care if it’s tacky,” she says, turning her chin up.
I roll my eyes. “You’re the worst.”
“You’re the worst!” she fires back.
And I say, “Yeah, I think I am.”
She turns around, predictably. I don’t look her in the eye.
“I don’t think that I could be a pony,” I say. “Too...too messed up, at the core. Too greedy and angry.”
“Ponies get greedy and angry,” she says.
“Not like dragons do,” I tell her. “You know, Silverstream, when I first met you I was so incredibly annoyed by you. Two thousand percent energy, all of the time. Then I realized that I was jealous. You love everything. You’re kind and honest and loyal and all of that. And I can learn all of that and I can let the school change me a bit, but I’ll always know what it’s like to be something worse, and I’ll always know how to be okay with being something worse.”
I look at her, and she doesn’t look sad or mad or worried. Just calm. She rolls her claw, letting me continue.
“I’m not mad at the Friendship Map for not sending me on a mission,” I tell her. “I couldn’t give less of a crap about that. I’m mad that it didn’t send you. You’re like, the best of all of us. I meant it when I said you were perfect. So what’s wrong? Is it the creatures around you? Can’t be Sandbar. Or Yona. Or Ocellus. You haven’t redeemed any villains. And Gallus has that...that secret heart of gold that we all know he has but we never talk about it. And then there’s me. My only redeeming quality is that I like some pony things that I could always just steal away back to the Dragonlands.”
She tries to pull me in for a hug, but I hold up a claw.
“Tell me the truth,” I say. “Am I bringing the rest of us down? Cause I—I hate the thought of that. It’s freakin’ killing me. Do you think I’m bad for you?”
“I don’t care,” she responds. She looks stubborn, like Garble does when one of his loser friends tells him ‘no’. “Smolder, you’re not bad if you’re greedy. You’re not even bad if you like being greedy or mean. I’m not gonna sit here and let you think otherwise.”
“...So what?” I ask quietly. “You’re just gonna keep being friends with me and never get any further in life?”
“Friendship isn’t a race,” Silverstream says. “Come on, Smoldy, this is Loyalty 101 stuff. I’m happy we don’t need to go on a friendship mission. You know why?”
Oh, geez. “Why?” I ask.
“Because I get to spend more time with you,” she says, finally pulling me in for that hug.
It’s a good hug. I’m not gonna be all poetic about it. It’s just a good hug and it makes me feel better. When she finally pulls away she smiles and says, “Firefly.”
I tilt my head and ask, “What?”
“Firefly. That would be your pony name.”
“I think that’s taken…” I say. “What about—”
Suddenly my fins glow bright purple. The tips of Silverstream’s wings shine hot pink.
The map!
Silverstream smiles at me and, I’ll be just a little bit sappy, she looks like a million gems. I go to say something—
And then I vomit up grass.