> Ace Is The Place
>  by Buck Swisher
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Ace Is the Place
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was time for work.

Dan pulled up to Ace Hardware in his Ace uniform, ready to Ace the day. When he walked into the store, however, his manager, Fred, was waiting for him.

"What's up?" said Dan cheerfully.

"You've been promoted!" said the manager, spreading his arms in congratulations. The other employees standing by gave a small applause.

"Awesome!" said Dan. "What's my new role?"

"Manager!" said Fred the manager, all too cheerfully.

"Great! Are you quitting?" asked Dan.

"Never!" replied Fred. "You're gonna be the manager for one of our other locations. Most unfortunately, the last one decided to retire. He seemed really happy to be relieved." Fred rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Um...okay," said Dan. "So! Where is this new location?"

"Right here!" said Fred, handing Dan a slip of paper. "Just head over there and you can get started!"

"Great!" said Dan. "Does this mean I get a raise?"

"Nope!" replied Fred. "Not in America! Have a good day!"

"You too!" said Dan, getting back into his 2009 Honda Civic.

Fifteen or so minutes later, Dan pulled into the parking lot of a different Ace, still feeling optimistic. He walked up to the doors, which opened automatically. He was then met with a surprise.

Rather than your average slightly disgruntled Ace employee that is plainly not getting paid enough, there were ponies. Multicolored ponies, all wearing Ace uniforms.

One spotted Dan and trotted up to him. "Hi there!" he said. "Welcome to Ace Hardware! Are you the new manager?"

"Yeah," said Dan, still surprised. "Are you an employee here?"

"Yup!" replied the pony. "My name's George!"

"George?" said Dan, bending down to read the pony's name tag.

"George!" the pony repeated. "I was named by a human, which is why it's a bit different from theirs." He indicated the rest of the pony staff, which had gathered to see their new manager.

Realizing this, Dan straightened himself up. "Uh, hello!" he said to them all. "I'm Dan, the new manager."

"Awesome!" said one of the ponies.

"Welcome!" said another.

"Gonna miss the last one," said another sadly.

"So, uh, how many customers do you guys actually get?" asked Dan.

"A lot!" replied George. "People love a store with ponies. Which is good, except for kids."

"Huh," said Dan. "Well then, I'll just head over to-"

"Wait!" said a light blue pony rushing up to him. "Here." She handed him a pin that read MANAGER. "If you're gonna walk around the store, you need to wear that."

"Thanks," said Dan. "Right, so I'll just head over to the manager's office, and-"

"Don't you wanna get to know us?" said a mint green pony. "A good manager should know his employees!"

Dan realized that these ponies knew nothing about standard American workplace values. Regardless, he resigned himself to going around learning the names of every pony on the staff. He had to hold in a laugh when a white pony with a black mane said his name was Bobert.

When Dan finally reached the manager's office, he found a piece of paper on the desk with writing on it. He picked it up, and recognized it as a letter from the previous manager. He read the letter in his head:

Dear Future Manager,

First of all, sorry you had to take the job. If you don't get that now, you'll get it later. I decided to leave this before I dipped 'cause you need to know a few things. So here they are: First, don't talk to Bobert. He gets really sad for no reason at all sometimes, so it's best to just avoid him. I once asked him for the weather and he got depressed. Second, don't be rude. If you say something in the wrong tone, the ponies are gonna start doing it to the customers. Third, ALWAYS be on time. Trust me, you don't wanna be late. And finally, remember this: All the ponies love ear scratches. Use that to your advantage.

Hope this helps you, man. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the hell out of here.

There was no signature at the end. Dan stared at the letter, thinking about what he just read. "Okay then," he said to himself. He put the letter in a drawer and sat in the manager's chair. It was pretty comfortable.

After a moment of relaxing, Dan realized he should probably check on things in the store. When he was an employee, Fred would always come out of his office at random times to comment on the employees' work. Usually he complimented Dan, because he gave everything to his job. And he was still gonna do that now.

He walked over to one of the checkout lines. "Quick question," he said to the pony manning it, named Windy. "What happens when there's kids?"

"It's not pretty," Windy replied. "Part of why we fear them. All they do is chase after us, trying to ride us. It's horrible." She shuddered. 

"So do you ban kids from coming here?" Dan asked.

"We can't," said Windy. "But parents hate it as much as we do, so nobody's brought children here in a while."

"When it happens, do you run?" asked Dan curiously.

"We can't," Windy said again. "We have to be attentive to customers, so we can't run until the kids start towards us. Then we run."

Dan stifled a laugh at the thought. "Alright." Then, he looked at the door. "Hey! A customer!"

All the ponies rushed into different positions as the customer walked in. He looked very tired. "Hey Windy," he said before heading off to find whatever he needed.

"Who's that?" asked Dan.

"His name's Harry," said Windy. "He's been coming here for a while. Most of the people here are regulars. "

"How often does a new customer come in?"

"About once or twice a week," said Windy grimly. "Usually they don't buy anything. You probably can imagine why."

"Yep."

Dan walked off to go find something else to busy himself with. A moment later, he found it. The mint green pony from earlier, who was named Chamomile, was trying to push a box of toilet pipes up onto a shelf that was a little over her head. Dan walked over and pushed the box in with ease, given it was at his eye level.

"Thanks," breathed Chamomile. 

"No problem," said Dan, walking off to find more situations to busy himself with.

Everything went pretty normal, with Dan the manager occasionally helping a pony in need, as well as avoiding Bobert. But it was the last customer of the day that made Dan realize that no day at work in America is allowed to be easy.

All the ponies stared with visible fright as a young man walked into the store...

...with a six-year-old girl at his side.

"Ah, shi-" Dan was cut off because this story is rated E.

"Hey there!" said George, doing a great job of hiding his fear. "Welcome to Ace Hardware!"

"Uh..." said the young man. Windy, who was standing near Dan, leaned over and whispered in a terrified voice that this was a new customer. 

With a kid.

Who was about to scream...

"PONY!!" the girl yelled, throwing herself at George. George backed up immediately, looking at the young man for help. 

"Come on, don't do this..." said the man weakly, holding the girl back by the arm. "Come on, Ellie..."

But the girl wouldn't be resisted. She wrenched herself free and began to sprint at top speed toward George, whose hooves clacked loudly as he ran away.

"Excuse me," said Dan to the young man who seemed to shocked to care about his daughter. "Can you please go get your child?"

The man seemed to snap out of a trance. "Right," he said. "Sorry about that. I'm just a little shocked myself..."

"It's okay," said Dan as he and the other man set off at a jog. "But we gotta find your kid before-"

Dan stopped. Before him was George, who had been caught and pinned to the ground by the little girl. He was struggling to escape as the girl, who had thrown herself onto his back, slapped his neck yelling, "Go, horsie, go!"

Dan didn't want to laugh, but he couldn't help it. He snorted a little. George didn't notice, as he was now trying to avoid being poked in the eye.

"Jesus," said the man, going over and pulling the girl off George," Come on, you know better than that..." He then began to head towards the door. "Sorry, man," he said to Dan. "Won't happen again. I'll just head to Home Depot." And with that, he sprinted out the door, visibly embarrassed at the actions of his daughter.

Dan turned back to George, who was still lying on the floor, breathing heavily. "Come on, George, get up," he said, lifting the pony to his feet. "She's gone."

"That was terrible," said George. All the ponies had gathered around him, concern visible on their faces. 

"You can't file a lawsuit?" asked Dan.

"The last manager tried," George replied. "And he lost all his credibility. After that, he seemed to really dislike it here. Then he quit." George looked up at Dan.

Dan casted his mind around for a change of subject. "Hey, any of you know when this place closes?" Dan asked.

"Ten o'clock," said Bobert. Some of the ponies stared at him.

"Thanks," said Dan, checking his phone. "Only thirty more minutes, then."

Dan didn't notice Bobert getting depressed until Windy came up to him and asked why he had spoken to him.

"I just said thanks!" said Dan. But Bobert was sad, and Dan, as the manager, needed to do something.

Straightening some lug wrenches as he passed, he rushed over to Bobert and did the only thing he could think of. Bobert's ears rose, and his eyes closed lazily as Dan scratched his head. "There," he said after a minute.

"Thanks," said Bobert somewhat shyly. Dan didn't notice, as he was saying a silent prayer of thanks to the previous manager. He had handled the situation.

"Now that that's taken care of," said Dan with some relief, "Who can tell me where the restrooms are?"

One of the ponies pointed, and Dan set off. Once he arrived, he shut the door, and after ensuring that the bathroom was empty, he pulled out an e-cig and began to smoke. His mind relaxed. He exhaled, puffing out a cloud of smoke. With it came out all of the tension from today. A few minutes later, at two minutes to ten, he emerged, perfectly cheerful.

"See you guys tomorrow!" he said as he strolled out the door, and into his car. The ponies waved at him as he backed out of the parking lot. He chuckled to himself.

"I'm a damn good manager," he said to no one, already thinking about the next day.
> Michael [Bonus Chapter]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lot had changed in just a few months.

When Michael told Fred he was done, he was just glad to be gone. Glad to be done waking up every day to deal with ponies for essentially minimum wage. He had given a lot to his job, given the three years he spent with it, but when his time was up, it was up. And it was exactly what he needed.

But now, after spending the past four months working at an Apple Store, he was wondering how things were going back at Ace. He had never even met the new manager. But his curiosity about the place was growing every day.

So on an average Tuesday, after finishing his shift as an undervalued Apple employee, Michael began to drive his eight-year-old Mercury to the good 'ol Ace Hardware.

It took a while.

When he finally arrived, he was surprised to see the number of cars in the parking lot. There had rarely been that many people when he was the manager. Then again, he hadn't been a big fan of busy days. 

When he walked in, he was greeted with the standard scent of whatever it is that makes hardware stores smell like your uncle's garage. It was somewhat nostalgic for the moment.

"Mike?" said a light blue pony. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey Windy," said Michael, "Just came to see how things are going. And grab some batteries while I'm at it." It sounded a lot better to pretend to need something.

"Uh huh," said Windy. "Have you met the new manager?"

"Nope," replied Michael. "Where is he?"

"Over there," said Windy, gesturing towards one of the inactive checkout lanes, where Dan was chatting animatedly with a mint green pony. Catching sight of the old manager, the pony nudged Dan, prompting him to turn around.

"Hey there!" said Dan, approaching Michael. "Can I help you?"

"This place looks great," Michael replied. "How the heck did you do it?"

"Well, I started off by giving each and every employee a respectable amount of attention," said Dan somewhat haughtily.

Michael fell silent for a moment. "Look, I gave a lot to this job," he replied. "It just didn't work, you know? I had to move on from it. I mean, I never even got a raise."

"I did," replied Dan.

"Wait, what?"

"I got a raise."

Michael was shocked. "What in corporate's name did you do in four months to get a raise that I couldn't do in three years?"

"Easy," Dan replied. "With me here, the store makes more money."

While this conversation was taking place, a small crowd of pony employees and customers had gathered to watch. One aggravated customer was attempting to recapture the attention of a dark brown pony that had stopped scanning his items to observe the two men.

"You think they're gonna fight?" asked Chamomile.

"No, but I think it'll be close," replied Windy.

"I don't know what you trying to say," said Michael. "But it sounds like we got beef."

"We do?" asked a pony in the crowd. "I thought we didn't sell meat here."

"Not that kind," Michael replied. "I mean it sounds like Dan got a bone to pick with me."

"Wait, where did Dan get a bone?" asked another pony.

"You guys really aren't helping," said Dan.

It was a duel of looks. The former manager and the new manager stared at each other intensely, as if they were preparing to draw revolvers. The surrounding crowd was unsure if there was real tension or if they were just messing around, but in that moment it looked like even the worst was capable of happening.

"How's Bobert?" asked Michael, narrowing his eyes.

"He's great, actually," replied Dan, also narrowing his eyes. "And I can ask him about the weather anytime."

There was no collective gasp, even though it would have been pretty cinematic.

"There's no way," said Michael. "Bobert is impossible. I spent three years trying to figure him out."

"And I figured him out in three days. You know he really likes meteorology? He told me that once I managed to get him out of his depression."

At this current moment, Bobert was among the crowd watching, but was so spaced out that he was oblivious to the two men talking about him, as well as the ponies staring at him.

"Face it, man," said Dan. "I'm the better manager. They love me here."

"Maybe," said Michael. "But what about the kids?"

This time there was a collective gasp.

"We don't talk about kids here," said Dan.

"I know it still happens," Michael continued. "At least once a week. What do you do when a kid walks in here? Even the best of managers can only do so much."

"That's not fair, man," said Dan. "You know there's nothing I can do about the kids."

"Unfortunately," grumbled George. His back was still sore from an incident the previous day.

"All it takes is one kid," said Michael. "And being a good manager no longer matters. It's chaos."

"It's a small price to pay," said Dan. "You see this place? It's busier than ever, the staff loves me, and customers talk to me instead of asking for me. You ran this place like a McDonald's ice cream machine, man. But your days are over, and with me here the store can only go up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to piss." And with that, Dan walked away.

Michael was left standing confusedly. "So, uh, any of you know where the batteries are?" he asked.

"They're over here," said Bobert, holding up a pack he had just picked up.

"Ah, thanks," said Michael. As he walked over, he added, "How you been?"

"Great, actually," Bobert replied. "Dan's been awesome."

"That's awesome, buddy," said Michael, taking the batteries and heading over to pay for them.

"That was an interesting scene," said Chamomile, quickly scanning the double As.

"Yup," said Michael, cracking a smile. "You think he'd let me rejoin the team?"

Chamomile chuckled. "Nope," she replied. "But feel free to ask him yourself."

"Nah, he probably wouldn't want me around," said Michael. "But it was nice meeting him, I guess."

"Wait, so do we have bones or not?" asked one confused pony. As you would expect, he was ignored.

"He'd probably warm up to you if you came around more often," said Chamomile, handing Michael a receipt. 

"Well, who knows," he replied. "Maybe I will start coming around more."

From that moment forward, Michael did indeed start coming around more, and to the great displeasure of the infamous Fred, he decided to rejoin the team and once again become a Helpful Hardware Folk. Unfortunately, the kids remained an issue, but thankfully George was relieved of the constant attacks by being allowed to run and hide whenever a situation arose.

Now you're most likely wondering, Is this it? This story sucked, and this is all we get? To tell the truth, the future of this particular Ace Hardware store remains unknown. Will Dan continue to elevate the income of the store? Probably. Will he and Michael become close friends? Maybe. Will Fred ever give out another raise?

No.

This concludes the epic of Ace Hardware.