What we dare not share
"Princess Luna?" asked Sweetie Belle. The young mare hugged herself. "Chryssy, I mean, Queen Chrysalis is dead, right?"
Princess Luna lowered her head. "Dear Sweetie Belle, she is deader than dead. She was wiped away, reset. Little Kifuko is not Chrysalis, not even in the slightest."
"Oh," Sweetie Belle said, unable to look Princess Luna in the eye. "That's too bad."
The two stood in a royal audience chamber, pristine, bare, and private.
Luna leaned in closer. "Dost thou still lament thy failure to save Chrysalis from herself?"
Sweetie Belle shook her head. "It's not about that."
"We implore thou, Sweetie Belle, please tell us what troubles you?"
"It's Button Mash!" The young mare blurted out.
Princess Luna startled back. This was not where she expected this conversation to go! "What about him?"
Sweetie Belle shivered. "I'm scared what I'll do to him."
"Sweetie Belle, thine magic surge involving the fruit basket happened when thou wert a filly. Tis true it happened later than many, but tis nothing to be ashamed of."
"I'm not scared of losing control of my magic! I'm scared of losing control of myself!" Sweetie finally blurted out, her words echoing off the walls.
Sweetie Belle huffed for a few moments, before calming down. She gritted her teeth.
"Me and Button Mash have... been getting closer. We've been... expressing our feelings for each other more... " Sweetie blushed. "But, the closer we get... and the more I get, certain thoughts." Sweetie Belle looked sick. "I suddenly find myself thinking how wonderful it would be if I just took away all of Button Mash's problems. His worries. His cares." A light shined on Sweetie Belle, casting her shadow.
Sweetie continued, "His choices. His sense of self. His desires except to be an extension of my will. A feeling of excitement of stripping away Button Mash layer by layer until there was no Button Mash and just an obedient thrall."
Princess Luna looked properly horrified.
"When I realized what I was thinking the first time... I threw up. Button was worried I was sick. I lied and said everything was fine, but there was something at home I'd forgotten to take care of. I left him. I'm worried he thinks I came up with an excuse to just leave him."
"That's because thou did," Luna couldn't stop herself from saying.
"I tried to just sleep. But the images just danced around in my head. Button Mash, cleansed of everything, happily enchanted to love every moment as I took everything that made him, him. Him never quite realizing the full extent of what I was doing. Promising to help him focus on his video games by silencing 'intrusive thoughts.' Taking away thoughts that troubled him, as his Ego melted like a sandcastle in the surf. Until he was nothing but putty in my hooves, reshaping him into an obedient male for me to own as I pleased, just a peaceful, silent, object in my loving hooves."
Sweetie Belle's shadow lengthened behind her.
"I was terrified!" Sweetie Belle finished. "I thought after I realized how wrong what Chrysalis did to me was, that I was free of her! That it was over! Done!"
"We understand," Luna said solemnly. "You were hoping that perhaps some ghost of Chrysalis' still haunted you. Some shred of her magic had clung to you like a parasite, affecting your thoughts and desires."
Sweetie Belle nodded sadly.
Luna placed a hoof on Sweetie Belle's shoulder. "Sweetie... while you were enchanted by Chrysalis' magic... it was for a brief time... but it was still in your formative years before you got your cutie mark. She told you everything you wanted to hear. She gave you everything you wanted. She placed you on a pedestal above others around you... She sensed that in a former life you were born from Cadence's soul... like she was. Like many with power, she believed those without were of a lesser quality of person, and thus only fit to obey."
"... I told Applejack that it was no different than her tending her apple tree... Then once Applejack was freed from our... from Chrysalis' control, she told me that if those apple trees had grown legs and told her they wanted to live somewhere else... Applejack wouldn't have stopped them."
"We imagine she would've been heartbroken to learn her beloved apple trees did not wish to stay with her. But verily, she understood."
"I thought after Scootaloo rescued me. After Rarity made me see Chryssy was hurting ponies, not helping them. After I got my cutie mark. After I made peace with mom and dad. After fighting the rumors version of Zecora made me realize how horrible what Chryssy did to me was... after I chose the reality where me and Button Mash were friends over the reality we weren't..." Sweetie looked desperately into Luna's eyes. "I thought I was done! That I was free! Why is all this coming to me now?!"
Sweetie Belle's shadow grew till it reached up the wall behind her.
"Because Sweetie... thou art becoming a mare. Thou went on adventures no foal your age should, but did so anyway. It shaped thou into who you are. And... we learn to be adults from the adults around us. Of Chrysalis' many faults, sadly, a poor teacher was not one of them."
Sweetie went nearly limp on her hooves. "So I'm like Chryssy."
"NO!" Luna's eyes glowed white, her wings flared, the Royal Canterlot Voice boomed, "THOU ART NOT!"
Sweetie's eyes bulged and she took several trots back.
"We ALL have feelings inside us that we are not proud of! Instincts and impulses we know are wrong but we have anyway! We are terrified of sharing them because we cannot see the difference between desire and action!"
Upon Sweetie's shadow, a pair of glowing green eyes opened, and a wicked smile spread wide.
Sweetie turned towards it without knowing why.
Then it spoke.
"It's what you want, Sweetie Belle. Why deny it? Why pretend you don't?"
"Chrysalis!" Sweetie Belle gasped, fear, relief, release, and alarm all mixed together. The shadow twisted into a familiar shape.
"You think I'm Chrysalis? Chrysalis taught you everything she knew. Button Mash never needs to know what's even happening to him. You can strip him away layer by layer... until all there is, is his love for you, his devotion, his obedience. He'd be more Button Mash than he is now."
Sweetie Belle seemed to shrink. The shadow grew larger.
"And if you could do it for him, why not your friends? Other ponies? So many ponies live dreary lives, dreary jobs, working for promises by lying ponies that'll never come true. Why NOT at least let them be happy if they're just going to be thralls anyway? All you're doing is stripping away the illusion."
"Chryssy... I thought I could just ignore your lessons... everything you taught me, everything you showed me. Things nobody else was willing to share with me. I could just pretend."
The shadow trotted closer. "Chaotic ponies living their chaotic lives. Talking about harmony but just being selfish. The world isn't the fairytale you thought it was as a filly is it? Why not make Button Mash the happiest Button Mash he could be? A happy doll for you to play with, to be whatever you want him to be?"
"ENOUGH!" Luna boomed. The shadow did not vanish, but it did cease its advance. "Sweetie Belle! Yonder phantom is not some vestige of Chrysalis! Tis thine own shadow!"
Sweetie Belle startled. "My... my shadow?! But that's... how..." Sweetie Belle looked around at the bare room without doors. "I'm dreaming, aren't I?"
"You instinctively fled to your sister's abode for comfort, and fell asleep on her chaise longue," Princess Luna said simply. Luna looked to Sweetie Belle's shadow. "When we have thoughts and feelings we aren't proud of, we like to pretend they aren't there, or that they belong to some 'other self' that isn't us. ... But pretending something isn't there, or thinking it belongs to someone else, doesn't make it go away... Sweetie, WOULD YOU do those things to Button Mash? To your friends? Innocent ponies? Do not think about it, just tell me!"
"NEVER!"
"Why?"
"BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T BE BUTTON MASH ANYMORE! Sure he might still 'love' me, but not because there was anything ABOUT ME he loved anymore! It would be like a light switch! And if I did that to him, then what I loved about Button Mash wouldn't be there anymore! Just that he loved me? Prince Loveblood could've 'loved me' but it wouldn't be because of ANYTHING! And that goes double for my friends! I know Button, and my friends, have hopes and dreams that AREN'T about being dolls! They might not accomplish ALL of them, but they should at least TRY!"
Sweetie was silent for a few moments, perhaps in awe at herself. Then looked back at her own shadow.
"It's never going to go away is it?"
"We can't outrun our own shadows, I've tried. Sweetie Belle, we become what we practice, what becomes easier for us is what we do. So there is ALWAYS a danger that anything we indulge in will make us something we do not want to be."
"But?"
"But how we EXPRESS such things is completely up to us! ... As we've said, we've all had thoughts and feelings that strangers would condemn us for. That doesn't make us evil. What would make us evil is acting on such things in a way that HURTS OTHERS!... And forgetting the difference between fantasy and reality."
Sweetie Belle's shadow shifted back to its true shape.
Luna said, "We would suggest thou talk about this more with Princess Twilight Sparkle."
"Wha-what?! But she'd-she'd-"
"She'll understand. She too was under Chrysalis' sway, was she not? She... also has impulses she is not proud of and knows others would not understand. And she also has had interests in similar things. And I've helped her find outlets that are not harmful to herself or other ponies. Ye are quite likely to help each other."
Sweetie Belle nuzzled her. Her shadow slipped back into its proper place. "Thank you, Princess Luna!"
Luna nuzzled her back. "Do not think one conversation will be enough to wipe away thy troubles... But it can guide thee in the right direction. And Sweetie Belle, we won't tell thou to speak of this to Button Mash, only thou can decide when thou art ready. But if thou do indeed plan to eventually share thine life with his... then it be best if there be no secrets between ye."
Sweetie Belle nodded. "I don't think I am yet... but I will be."
Luna smiled. "That is good to hear, my little pony."
~Fin