Chapter 1

"I’ve got three princes! Ha! Beat that, Sergeant!"

Sergeant Nocturnal Pike, guardsmare extraordinaire, was about to ruin this rookie’s night. With a feeling only found in the sweet, sweet pleasure of imminent schadenfreude, she laid her cards down on the table. “Flush of spades; read ‘em and weep, rookie."

The table erupted with laughter as the batpony sergeant reached a purple-gray hoof across the table for her well-won earnings. It was a little bit of a reach for someone of Pike's... height-impaired stature. But with practiced finesse and a premium poker face, she made no show of it. With a few clever bets and good cards, she'd managed to turn what looked to be a losing night into a sizable pile of newly won bits. Most of them from the rookie.

"I can’t bucking believe it!"

With that outburst, Pike turned her attention back to said rookie, who was the most recent addition to their off-night poker table. She'd told herself she'd actually learn the rookie's name once she’d been in her squad for more than a few days, and at the poker table for more than one night. Although at the rate she’d been losing bits, Pike was starting to doubt she'd make a repeat appearance.

“Aw, cheer up rookie, you’ve got enough bits for at least one more go."

In a clearly less than sober rage, she stomped her hoof on the table. "No way!"

The finality of this affirmation caused a wave of intrigued silence to replace the laughter. Pike had to admit that she was interested, too.

As the rookie guardsmare placed her hoof on the table it became clear what her next gambit was: a hoof wrestling match. "I’m sick of losing bits to your horseapple cards! Here’s a new bet! We settle this mare to mare! If I win, I get my bits back, and if you win I’ll double your money!"
There was a brief pause as both Pike and the rest of the table processed what she just said.

Followed immediately by uproarious laughter.

'The teats on this mare!'

The mare sitting to the rookie’s right slapped her on the back. "Hahaha! You really think.. Hahahaaaaa! You, can beat her? That’s Nocturnal Pike you’re talking to, rookie! She’s spent more time wailing on those training dummies than you’ve spent in your armor!"

It's true, the batpony did have a bit of a reputation, and not an unearned one at that. When she'd joined the guard, it was obvious to everyone she was shorter than the average mare.

Way shorter.

Any shorter, and she’d probably legally be a dwarf. This of course was an endless font of teasing and ridicule. But instead of letting it turn the thestral into a grumpy bitch, she channeled it into a much more constructive outlet: training really bucking hard and being damn good at her job. As Pike raged at her marelet stature, and at the part of her she'd locked away—'and am definitely not thinking about right now. Nope, not one bit'—she quickly became known as a guard of impeccable record, with an unrivaled physique.

The same physique this rookie was now foolishly challenging.

Pike smiled at the table and gestured for them to cease their laughter. “Now now, fillies, let the mare dig her own grave." She met the rookie's defiant gaze and assumed the proper hoof wrestling position. “Midnight, count us off!"

The mare to Pike's right smiled, knowing what was to come. "If you say so Pike... Three, two, one... go!"

The rookie immediately poured all her strength into pushing Pike's hoof over, hoping for a quick, metaphorical sprint to the finish. She had to admit, the rookie was stronger than Pike had thought she would be, but after losing some ground at her initial push, the Sergeant was slowly gaining that ground back.

As the rookie's hoof got closer and closer to the table, Pike glanced around the bar. Ponies around them had started passing bits of their own around, no doubt placing bets on the outcome of this duel.

Meeting the rookie’s determined stare with a cocksure grin, Pike sealed the deal and slammed her hoof into the table, finalizing her victory.

The crowd that had gathered while they were in the zone immediately erupted into a cheer. A cheer that at first brought an angry frown to the Rookie’s face, but one which quickly melted away once she'd realized that the crowd was, at that point, most of the bar. Utterly mortified, the rookie placed her head in her hooves, looking like she was going to tear up in shame at any moment.

'Luna’s stars above, who trained this mare? Who raised her?'

“Sweet Celestia rookie, you only lost a hoof wrestling match. Don’t be such a stallion about it."
"B-but...Sergeant Pike, I-I just made a total fool of myself."

'So much for teats.'

Pike had thought she seemed a little colty on shift, but not this much. Hopefully it was just the alcohol talking. “You really think most of these ponies are gonna remember this come tomorrow morning? Of course not!" The rookie's eyes weren't looking quite as misty anymore, but she still looked unsure. Pike continued. "And keep your money, I don’t need it." The rookie's gaze turned hopeful. Pike smirked. "But you’ve just earned yourself a month on the blue-shift."

Her hopeful face was immediately replaced with one of fear. "S-sergeant Pike wait, please!"

Stepping up from the table, Nocturnal Pike turned around and began walking toward the bar, before turning her head around and shouted over the raucous crowd, "Next time try not being such a little bastard!"

Seated firmly at the bar was a pleasantly tipsy Anonymous. Turning away from the spectacle to stare at his fuzzy green hooves, he couldn't help but ponder the circumstances of his life and how he got here.

Probably that freak camping/lightning/experimental panini maker accident.

Actually now that he'd stopped to think about it, it was definitely that. He'd told those bastards it would never work! And now he was the one paying the price, trapped in a magic land of pastel horses!

No one had any idea how to change him back or send him home, so for the foreseeable future, he'd remain what he'd become: Anonymous the unicorn, forever trapped in Bruma! At least it felt like Bruma, or even that island from Wonder Woman.

All the men are women!

And in a world where all the men are women, Anonymous had found it kind of difficult to connect with anyone. He really didn’t have many female friends back on earth, and that was a trend that had transferred across the dimensional divide much more seamlessly than he would have liked to the number of stallions he hung out with. They were all just so ridiculously girly!

And as far as female friends here, there was typically too much of a culture clash. Most mares would, at first, be interested and enthused by his 'janefilly'—as they call it—exterior, but once they'd dug into the meat and potatoes, they quickly became less so. Frankly, they all thought he was a “bucking weirdo."

Things were even worse when it came to romance; Anon didn’t have a domestic bone in his body.

'Daddy raised me to be a breadWINNER, goddamn it!'

And the mares were not hip to a stallion who wasn't even slightly a homemaker, nevermind that he lacked the skills to even do it in the first place.

And all that was why he found himself here.

Drinking alone.

Again.

Or, so he'd thought, until the sound of a voice to his left side clued him in that might not entirely be the case.

“Hey there, stud."

Nocturnal Pike liked her chances.

After leaving the rookie to wallow in the fact she'd just been assigned to guard Blueblood’s “personal" hallway for the next month, Pike had intended to buy herself a drink and retire to the squad's drinking table.

But then she saw a far better option.

A green unicorn stallion with a black mane, sitting at the bar and drinking alone.

A tall green unicorn stallion.

A really tall, green unicorn stallion.

And she wasn't thinking that just because she was short; one glance at him and she was sure he’d even tower over those colts they let into the guard after that lawsuit!

'HolyCowImagineWhatItWouldBeLikeToBeHisLittleSpo-'

Pike shook her head to banish those unmarely thoughts. She may not be a big pony, but mares big-spoon, dammit!

But that didn't change the fact that tall stallions definitely did something to her. So much so that she knew she’d be beating herself up all night if she didn’t try to score, no matter how airheaded he ended up being. So here she was, bringing her A-game.

Posture: casual.

Smile: assured.

Charm: at maximum.

Hoping he just saw her display of raw femininity? Absolutely.

"What’s a cute stallion like you doing drinking alone?"

Anon turned to face his addressor. Or, at least he tried to, but when he turned his head in the direction he'd heard the voice come from, there was no one there. He was confused for a brief moment, until the sound of someone clearing their throat directed his attention downwards.
Downwards to the sight of the smallest pony he'd ever seen.

'I mean, this bitch tiny.'

She was one of those half-bat half-horses.

'Thestrals?' He thought that's what they were. Vaguely, he recognized her as the pony who'd just won the “hoof" wrestling contest. She had a purple-grey coat, with a dark blue mane that had some lighter blue streaks running through it. He looked closer at her amber colored eyes, as they awkwardly glance arou-

'Wait, oh fuck.'

'That whole time I was staring at her she was just sitting there waiting for an answer!'

'Shitshitshitsh-'

“Haha, just, uh, trying to meet some new peo-uh, ponies!" Anonymous smiled what he hoped was his most disarming smile, and desperately waited for the normal flow of conversation to resume.

Any second now.

'Anyyyyyyyyyyyyyy seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeccccccccccconnnnnd'

While the stallion’s initial reaction did catch Nocturnal Pike a bit off guard, she was taking it in stride. Clearly he was just a little nervous, and there's nothing like a cool, confident mare to soothe a stallion's nerves. Flexing her forelegs and puffing her tuft, she put a reassuring smile on her face.

'He says he’s here to meet new ponies? I can work with that.'

She made a show of leaning around to look at the empty seats to either side of him. “Well, lucky for me it seems like I’m the first who’s come your way tonight. The name’s Pike, Sergeant Nocturnal Pike."

Much to her pleasure, it seemed that moving past the initial awkwardness had put the wind back under his (metaphorical) wings, as his posture relaxed and he smiled a little more earnestly.
He reached out with his hoof for a bump. "Anonymous."

A bump which Pike met. As she pulled her hoof away however, she felt something for a split second.

'Did he just try to grab my hoof?'

She caught the same confusion she'd briefly felt mirrored on his face, but before she could dwell on it, his smile, now slightly less at ease, returned.

Weird, but she put the incident out of her mind and motion for the barkeep. Time to get this colt liquored up!

Several drinks had now passed.

Pike and ‘Anon’ (as he'd asked her to call him) were both in pretty deep, and the green stallion was nearing the end of another story. “So then, hic, we took our patrol leaders chair and tent... and hoisted them into a tree! Hahahahah! He was so mad!"

She laughed genuinely. He may have been yammering on about himself (as stallions are prone to do) but at least the stories he was telling were funny. They reminded her of the kind of mischief she got up to as a filly. “Hahaha! Oh mare Anon, where did you say this happened at again?"

“Scouts."

'Scouts!?'

“Like, Colt Scouts?"

"Uhhhhhhhhh... Yes! Yes it was."
'Colt scouts!?!?!?'

Pike wasn't sure if this stallion was for real. Everypony knows colt scouts never go camping! Filly scouts were the ones who went camping! All colt scouts got to do was sell cookies and do things inside! Like Cooking! A-and sewing! And those other househusband things that she'd always wanted to do…

'This colt’s whimsy must be off the charts!'

'Don’t call him out on it though. Colts hate that. Just move on and...'

“Anon, yer, hic, y-you’re fulla horseapples!"

'...'

'It seems cider, my most stalwart wingmare... has betrayed me.'

Pike could see him processing what she'd just said, a confused look on his face. Soon that look would become the face of indignation. And then the water works would start.

'In about 3, 2...'

"Hahaaaa no I’m not! Th-that totally happened! You’re just jealous you, hic, couldn’t do that sstuff in, hic, FILLYscouts!"

Ignoring that he was right, and that she was jealous of what they got to do in colt scouts, that didn't make any sense! He just described the universal experience OF fillyscouts!

Pike's drunken brain could not handle all this whimsy.

She'd taken a lot of colts to the shack though, and he was the first that could handle being told they’re full of horseapples. That alone put him in the top ten in her book!

AND he’d somehow been keeping up with her! Without even ordering a cocktail!

AND, AND he was motioning the barkeep for more!

'Just who’s trying to get who drunk here!?!?'

It was even later, and Anonymous was pretty sure the bartender was about to cut him off. She kept staring at the enormous pile of mugs he and Pike had accumulated after he'd told her to stop taking them. Pike had said something earlier about how no stallion could outdrink a mare.

And his pride as an ex-man WOULD NOT STAND FOR THAT!

As it stood, they were dead-even, in drink and drunkenness.

Speaking of drunkenness, Pike was slurring something out. "Sssssso Anon, d-did, hic, I ev.. ever tell you how I got my cutie mark?"

'Uhhhhhhhhh'

"Uhhhhhh, mayyybe? Just t-tell me again anyway."

In response, Pike did her best attempt at shoving said cutie mark into his face. It was still pretty far away though; her legs really weren't long enough. Nonetheless, he could see the silhouette of a pony doing some kind of backflip in front of a full moon adorning those sweet, sweet flanks.

Pike grinned. "Better yet, how... howbout I take you back to my place aaaaand showya?"

The innuendo landed in a distant part of Anon's mind, but far more of it landed in a very different area.

'I just got invited!'

'To hang out!'

'AT SOMEONE’S HOUSE!'

'FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS!'

As such, with a display of enthusiasm that caught not only her, but the rest of the bar off guard, Anon shouted, “HELL YEAH! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!"

Leaping off of his stool and stumbling towards the door, he motioned for Pike to lead the way.

And she did, laughing all the way.

'Maaaaan, I hope she’s got Halo.'

Chapter 2

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The next morning eventually came to reveal a very hungover, but nevertheless incredibly comfortable Nocturnal Pike. To the thestral, there was nothing better than waking up snuggled deep in the blankets, and-

‘Wait a minute. These aren’t blankets!’

Pike’s eyes snapped open, and she instantly turned beet red. She was currently spooning with Anon.

And she was the little spoon!

‘SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!’

However, that joyous sense of comfort was rapidly drowned out by embarrassment. A voice in her head, one which sounded far more like her mother than she liked, spoke up. "Now I don’t care how cozy it is! Only little fillies and stallions little-spoon!"

‘Oh Luna, I can’t let my mom down!’

Delicately, Pike started trying to wriggle out of Anon’s big, strong forelegs. Sure it’d be easy enough just to flex and burst out, but if he woke up and saw her like this... it would be the most mortifying thing she’d ever experienced! She couldn’t let it happen!

Pike intensified her wriggling. She could feel it: she was almost out!

‘Just a little more…’

‘Come on!’

She suddenly felt his breath whispering in her ear. "Leaving so soon?"

A few moments ago...

A mildly hungover Anon was waking up from the most comfortable sleep of his life.

So comfortable, it almost negated the hangover!

‘Man, ponies really were made for snuggling.’

After arriving at Pike’s last night (and discovering she did not, in fact, even know what an Xbox was), she’d rapidly ushered him onto her bed, and immediately attempted what could have been the most impressive sex act he’d ever seen¹: A triple back flip, onto his dick.

Or, at least it would have been, if he hadn’t been way too drunk to be aroused. As it was, she’d essentially just done a triple back-flip right into his arms.

‘Forelegs Anon, forelegs! Only minotaurs have arms, and if you start calling them that around her she’ll look at you weird!’

He at least had the good sense to immediately close said forelegs around her once she’d landed, leaving the two of them in the perfect position for cuddling—which he promptly did. After some protests from Pike (which she could’ve admitted were pretty weak), the two of them quickly passed out in the same position they’d just woken up in.

A position he could feel Pike squirming like a worm in, no doubt trying to weasel her way out...

"Leaving so soon?"

Pike could feel the grin in his tone. "Last night you seemed so keen on being the little spoon, little mare."

‘Oh Luna defend me.’

The batpony was radiating embarrassment like Celestia’s sun radiates heat.

She couldn’t remember how it had come to this. At least if they’d had sex, being the little-spoon would be just one small, easily overlooked thing. But from the current lack of a sticky mess at her hindquarters, it was clear she’d had no such luck. Pike got spooned, and she didn’t even get a lay out of it! She'd be hanging her head in shame if her current position weren't so darn comfortable!

...And comforting.

But all good things must come to an end.

With a blush still threatening to overtake her face, Nocturnal Pike pushed the rest of the way out of Anon’s forelegs.

But all was not lost!

She could still salvage this!

'C'mon, Pike! Mares don’t get embarrassed!'

“Pffft, horseapples! Come on, I need water and an aspirin. And I know if I need one, you must need at least two.”

In response, the smuggest smile ever plastered itself firmly on Anon’s face. ”I don’t knooow Pike, this bed is awfully comfy. You sure you don’t want to fall back into my ar-forelegs?”

‘Ok now he’s just making fun of me.’

She was just about ready to show this colt what for, when—

”Ahh, I’m just fucking with you. Yeah I could definitely use one aspirin... and some breakfast. Ooh, ya got any eggs?”

Pike’s eyes widened just a tad. Disregarding his weird accent, he really WAS a janefilly. She couldn’t even remember the last time a stallion admitted to “just bucking with her”. She smiled, knowing her maresculine pride was safe for now. “Yeah I think I do, you go ahead and get started, I’ll grab the aspirin.”

Anon let out a snort. ”Me? HA! Hope you like ‘em scrambled!”

Nocturnal pike looked down at her plate, poking at the scrambled eggs with a fork.

‘These... aren’t great.’

What kind of life had this colt lived to where he can barely cook eggs? Sure, they were perfectly edible, but, where was the flavor? Did he only add salt?

Anon was oblivious to Pike’s musings, as he busied himself in gleefully drowning his eggs with hot sauce, as he’d likely planned to do from the start.

She looked at him quizzically. “I thought unicorns hated spicy things?”

He snorted. ”Maybe these fru fru Canterlot cretins! I, on the other hoof, am a connoisseur! As spice is the spice of life!” With that, he shoved a forkful of what she was pretty sure was just 90% hot sauce in his mouth. ”Ahhhhh, MMMM, man that hits the spot!”

Since Pike likewise desired to actually be able to eat her meal, she grabbed the sauce herself.

‘Huh.’

It seems he’d managed to grab one of her imported, Thestralian hot sauces. Sure it was the milder one, but it was still no joke! That unicorn really could handle his spice! And yet, it made the fact he made such flavorless eggs all the more surprising.

Pouring enough to supplement the flavor onto her own plate, Pike too began eating.

For a while, the meal passed in comfortable silence. Normally, right around now was when the stallion would start asking the inevitable hard questions and making assumptions, like, ”what comes next for us?” Or, ”I hope you realize I don’t just snuggle anyone I meet at the bar.” But she didn't hear anything out of Anon.

Well, except for the sound of panting from across the table.

Glancing up from her eggs and taking a closer look at Anon’s face, she could see the telltale signs of the sauce getting to him. His eyes were starting to water, his nose had begun to run, and he was panting with increasing frequency.

‘Looks like that cocky attitude he had when he woke up is landing him in trouble.’

Of course no gentlemare would leave a stallion to suffer, so she’d grab the milk from the ice box and...

‘...Wait.’

‘No…’

A sadistic smile crept onto Pike’s face.

Normally she’d never dream of doing something like this to a stallion… but after last night’s (immediately spent on cider) winnings, she was in a betting mood. And a bet she'd take, is that this stallion was more of a janefilly than any janefilly she’d ever met before.

With an aura of pure smug, Pike pointed to the icebox. “Milk’s in there.” Anon promptly stood up. “...IF you’re a little bastard.”

She saw a brief look of shock on his face, immediately followed by his steely gaze meeting hers. He slowly sat back down, smiling through the obvious pain.

“I,” he panted, “don’t need it.”

Anonymous needed it.

He really needed it.

But he was not taking it.

Much to his surprise and joy, it seemed his initial feelings were right: Pike COULD hang! But now she’d thrown down the gauntlet. Well, he wasn’t about to let her, or himself, down. He may have been feeling his taste buds dying, but was not moving from his chair.

Nu uh. No way.

‘...’

‘...Fuck that’s hot. Quick, gotta find some way to distract myself.’

‘Ah ha! I’ve got it!’

“So, Pike,” Anon panted out. “You mentioned that you’re, phew, you’re a night guard, right? Shouldn’t you be asleep right now?”

There was so much smugness radiating off of the thestral right then it could have given him radiation poisoning. If this was her revenge for his earlier teasing, he’d better watch out around this mare.

”Well, normally you’d be right, but if you remember from our conversation last night, my squad and I work the evening transition shift. So about 1800 to 0200 hours. And seeing as how we’ve woken up at around...” She glanced at the sun out the window. “Around noon, so I’d say I’m right on schedule. Even if I didn’t have this weekend off. Hmmm, what about you, Anon?”

‘Fuck, now I have to think instead of just focusing on her voice.’

”I’m a, phew, oh lordy, an investigative journalist. My boss doesn’t care when I’m up, as long as the articles get written.”

That seemed to catch Pike’s interest. “Oh?”

“Yeah, they saw the question mark on my flank and,” he panted. “They just gave me the job. Guess they thought it means I’m good at asking questions.”

A look he couldn’t quite decipher crossed Pike’s face as she leaned over to look at his cutie mark.

“Are... are you not?”

Anon took a breath. “I mean, kinda? I think I’m just more pushy than the average pony.”

With that, her smirk returned in full force. ”Yeah I can definitely see that”

‘Damn. She’s got me cornered.’

With the state he was in, Anon was in no condition to fire back. “Haaaaa yeah. I’ll have you know,” he panted. “If my mouth wasn’t giving me the third degree right now, I would certainly, have a witty rebuttal,” he gasped. “For that.”

That pushed her over the edge, and the two of them burst out in laughter. Although Anon’s was far weaker, and cut with panting gasps. In between chortles, Pike got up and grabbed the milk herself. As she poured the two of them their glasses, Anon knew his salvation was at hand. A silent toast passed between the two of them, and by the time she’d taken her first sip, he’d downed his whole glass.

Sweet relief.

“Phew, God, what was that?”

Grabbing the bottle, Pike read off the back. “Crafted specifically for authentic Thestralian cookouts: this is the sauce that made Scorched Pepper, creator of the Scorch scale, weep. As such, she clocked it at over two million Scorch Units: enough to make a grown earth pony cry!”

Pike glanced back up at Anon. ”So, you did pretty well, as a matter of fact.”

He took his first deep breath in minutes. “Jesus, scary sauce. Takes a little while to... to really hit you, ya know?”

She just smirked. ”I could tell.”

The two of them lapsed into silence again for a moment. However, this time Pike was the one to break it, albeit with a chuckle, as opposed to Anon's own, previously pained breathing. ”And here I thought every stallion knew his way around a kitchen.”

‘Ha!’

“Well Pike, you’ve never met a stallion like me.”

This prompted another burst of laughter. ”Buck, I sure haven’t!”

Chapter 3

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Anonymous awoke from his peaceful slumber on his comfortable bed, and stretched out his tired arms...

‘Wait... MY ARMS!’

Excitedly reaching in, he used his HANDS to grab his HUMAN FACE!

‘I can’t believe it!’

‘I’ve been restored!’

‘I-’

Anonymous woke up. The hands he felt on his pony face were only magical projections he'd cast in his sleep.

With a forlorn sigh, he hopped out of bed. Not the best way to wake up, but he couldn’t let himself be too down; after all, now he had things to enjoy in real life! Things like the fact he’d spent all of yesterday hanging with his new friend!

‘Man, so this is what those friendship pamphlets my social worker gave me were talking about. I feel great!’

And now, thanks to his new friend, he knew all of the actually-good places to go in Canterlot. Previously he’d just kind of... wandered around on the days he didn’t work. But now he could wander with destinations!

‘Feels good, man.’

Anon merrily trotted into the bathroom to begin his morning routine. Passing naught but a sidelong glance at the “gift” basket of makeup and fancy shampoos his boss had given him, he hopped in the shower and got to work. Magic, ethereal hands might not be fully able to replace flesh and blood, but they were certainly more versatile! So with a scrub here, a scrub there, and, of course, a little bit of dental hygiene, and he was ready to start his day!

With a smile on his face and a song in his heart, Anon headed for the front door of his apartment and...

The smile on his face and the song in his heart faded away as he remembered that he'd 'forgotten' something.

Returning to his closet with the newfound gusto of a man walking into a funeral parlor, he pulled open the door to reveal:

His old clothes.

But sadly, that’s not what he was there for. Pulling those aside, he revealed his unsought collection of ball bras.

Lots and lots of ball bras.

'God that's a lot of ball bras.'

‘Thanks, every single mare in the office.’

Now that was a downer.

And yet, he knew his options were limited. He could either A: Wear one and suffer a sense of wrongness from deep within his soul, or B: Go with his heart and forgo the ridiculous garment... and be treated like a deviant. And probably get molested. Plus, he’d almost certainly get a lecture from his boss about proper stallion behavior and the importance of properly integrating into Equestrian culture. He couldn’t help but cringe.

Weighing his choices, he ultimately decided on the path of least resistance, and mentally prepared to put it on. On the upside, it blended into his fur, so he didn’t LOOK ridiculous, but merely felt it. Deeply.

Looking closer, he noticed the gift-note that accompanied it still taped on and folded inside.

‘Huh, this one must be one I haven’t worn yet.’

Reaching out with his telekinetic hands, he unfolded the paper.

“Make sure you and your F-cup balls pay me a visit some time, stud! Here’s my addre-”

He stopped subjecting himself to the unfiltered psychological damage that was the note and tore it off. As flattering as those notes and the similar real life statements seemed at first, after responding to a few of them, he knew he was better off ignoring them.

Now free of obstructions, the bra was as comfortable as he could make it. So, with a bit of a heavy heart, he strapped in.

Now he was ready.

Confident he would at least be saddled (ha!) with less social stigma than usual, Anon headed out the door. Looking on the bright side of things, the odds were that, besides a cat-call or two, his trip down the road to today’s semi-mandatory visit to the office would go by in a flash.

Jargon Justification, chief executive of the Canterlot Canterer, the fifth most read newspaper in Canterlot (!), looked up from her desk and watched as the cute little number she had to thank for their newfound success walked in the door.

Anonymous.

And would you look at that, he was actually wearing one of the ballbras the officemares gave him! Good for him.

Normally, she’d never dream of employing a stallion: their place was in the home, after all. But Jargon’s herd sister, Tender Care, was his social worker. She’d been asked personally by the princess to assist with his integration into Equestrian society, and she’d made a hell of a case for him. Apparently, he was foreign.

Really foreign.

Which was why he was so... rough on his customs and social cues. Rough to the point where he was nowhere near finding a herd, and desperately in need of a job just to keep a roof over his head.

What kind of mother would leave their colt to fend for themselves before he even found himself a herd? It was despicable.

Her herd-sister’s heart went out to the colt, and after hearing the story, Jargon’s did too. So after seeing the aptitude in his cutie mark and his surprisingly can-do attitude—for a colt—she was willing to offer him a place working for her paper.

Nothing HARD of course, Celestia forbid. Just some easy fluff, fashion and gossip pieces. The normal kind of stuff that colts liked. As often as he asked to be given “real stories” he always knocked those fluff pieces out of the park. He clearly must get something out of them!

And Jargon knew what she got out of them.

Readers and sales!

Stallions normally had no use for newspapers. After all, they were full of things for mares to care about, like news and politics. Nothing they have to worry their handsome little heads over. But having one write articles about things that stallions did care about had boosted their readership tenfold! Dozens upon dozens of stallions in Canterlot had heard that her paper had REAL fashion and gossip from a REAL stallion. Why would they let their mares buy a newspaper with articles written by a mare who clearly didn't care, when they could instead get one with articles written by Anonymous, a stallion like them, who clearly did—no matter how much he said he didn't?

It was a winning formula, and Jargon Justification knew better than to mess with success.

She’d certainly call this arrangement a win-win; he got money, an education on proper stallion behavior—’from yours truly’—and her readership had been climbing ever since she’d hired him! It was, dare she say, the perfect system! Though she was sure, like the stallion he was, he’d found a way to complain about something when he wasn’t in the office.

So as always, she was looking forward to seeing what he’d come to hoof in today. He’d said something the other day about sun hats? Jargon couldn’t be bothered to remember. She was sure it was very exciting to a stallion, though.

Anonymous stepped onto the office floor. He could see his boss smiling at him from her office, no doubt excited to see what dumb bullshit he’d just written. Normally, despite the obvious fluff stories he was given, he’d still try to go above and beyond. This time however, his apathy caught up to him, and he’d ended up having to do a bit of a rush job. And after one too many peo-ponies had tipped their sun hats at him, he’d found the perfect subject for his story.

“SUN HATS: NEW SYMBOL OF THE MARECEL MOVEMENT?”

Of course, it was asinine beyond compare. He’d just slapped some completely anecdotal comments down from some random stallions he’d overheard, pulled it together with a few buzzwords, and called it a day. He was sure it would sell like hotcakes, though; in his heart of hearts, he and his boss both knew the content was irrelevant. All that really mattered was that it was penned by a stallion.

The token stallion.

Her token stallion.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t let himself be too hard on her. After all, she was the only one to actually offer him a job. Even if sometimes it felt like she was literally just paying him to be on staff and nothing more.

Such is life, he supposed.

Putting such misgivings out of his mind, he walked into Chief Justification’s office with the smile he’d woken up with. “Mornin’ Chief.”

She beamed back. ”Ahh, good to see ya, Anonymous. Glad you came in today, take a seat. And, well, would you look at that! Ball bra and a smile! Cut!”

The chief editor, Cut N. Paste, leaned into the office. “Yes ma’am?”

“Wasn’t I always telling Anon he’d look better with a ball bra and a smile?”

“Y-Yes you were ma’am,” the editor stuttered.

”Well, was I right?”

Anonymous quickly turned to look at Cut N. Paste directly. “You don’t have to answer that.”

Behind him, Jargon promptly chimed in. “Yes you do, Cut.”

The poor editor’s face was beet red. “I-I I think you do look better, Anon.”

”See? What did I tell ya? Alright, back to work, Paste!”

”Yes ma’am!”

And just like that, the two of them were alone again.

Jargon shook her head. ”Alright, alright, enough of your stalling, now show me what you've got.”

He handed (‘I used my magic hands, so it's proper terminology, dammit!’) her the print, and she seemed to give it a once-over—although she was probably only reading the title. Cut was usually the only one who had anything to say about the content of his articles, but at least Jargon was making a show of it.

”Ooooh, I see! Fashion and some hot button issues too! I like it. See, I told ya you could do this!”

Anonymous frowned slightly. “It’s not about ‘could,’ chief.”

”Oh don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ll send it to Cut right away, and get it in our next issue!”

A feeling of satisfaction bloomed in his chest. Bullshit or not, it was nice to get something he’d made out there. It made him feel like he was actually doing something.

Getting up to go, he turned back. “Thanks boss, need anything else from me?”

”Actually...” Jargon leaned in. A wee bit closer than he’d like. "Morale’s been a little low in the office. Could you, ah, just kinda walk around for an hour or two? Strut your stuff, ya know?”

‘Oh no.’

”Seeing everypony’s favorite writer around would be just the thing to lift everypony’s spirits.”

He took a sharp breath.

‘Come on Anon, it’s only for a little while. Maybe you can make some more friends? You really need this job.’

‘You. Really. Need. This. Job.’

“Sure, chief,” he sighed. “Happy to help.”

”That’s my colt!” He felt a sharp slap on his backside.

‘OW! Did she just swat my ass!?’

”Now get out there and knock ‘em dead!”

Chief Jargon was glad Anon accepted her request. A little socialization would do him good; he barely talked to anyone in the office! The office mares probably made him uncomfortable, but if he didn’t learn to live with that, he’d never get anywhere—in a job, or a herd.

Plus, she’d get to watch those sweet flanks of his circle around the office for the next few hours.

Talk about a win-win!

While he was certainly taller than she liked in a stallion, she could certainly see the benefit of having a stallion's hindquarters at eye level.

‘Mmmmmm mmmmm.’

‘Hate to see him leave, love to watch him go.’

A few hours later, and the time for Anonymous to blow this popsicle stand had finally come. He’d made his rounds, and given a brief word to most of the mares in the office. None of them really had much to say that wasn’t related to his looks. One of them even recognized that he was wearing the ball bra she’d given him.

Just… how!? They all look identical!!

The only one who’d given him more than that was Cut N. Paste. But even then, she could only manage a few sentences before clamming up and diving back into her work. The whole time, her face was just as flushed as when they were in the chief’s office. The poor mare; she always seemed so embarrassed every time he came by. She probably had to listen to every single thing the chief said about him when he wasn’t there.

For someone currently in a herd, the chief always struck Anon as awfully lascivious. It’s probably what got him the job, if he was being honest.

He put all of those thoughts behind him the moment he stepped out of the office.

‘Ahhh, freedom…’

While the job sometimes may have made him feel completely useless, at least it afforded him oodles of free time. Maybe he could go visit Pike on the job?

Nah. He’d only met her a day and a half ago, after all.

AND he’d already spent all of yesterday with her.

He didn’t want to come on too strong, even if he felt like the two of them had really hit it off. And it wasn’t like he wouldn’t get to see her tomorrow; she offered to treat him to lunch! Though, he supposed for her it was more like breakfast. He was going to be paying of course, no matter what she said.

With those thoughts for the future in mind, a brief glance at the sun reminded him that her shift actually started right about then.

‘Man, I’ve gotten really good at telling time based on the sun! I could never do that shit back home.’

Putting a hoof to his chin in contemplation, he couldn’t help but say, “I wonder how’s Pike’s day is going?”

Chapter 4

View Online

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING

With a solid smack to her alarm clock, Sergeant Nocturnal Pike greeted the new day.

She was not a morning pony. No matter how late that "morning” may be.

Maybe it was genetic? Or maybe Celestia was a tribalist, making the sun shine harder on the thestral race!

Either way, Pike would likely never know.

'I hate mornings.'

Though, she had to admit, she didn’t mind the morning she’d woken up snuggled against Anon!

Forcing her eyes open against the light, she remembered one of the hard truths of life: As much fun as lying down and cursing the sun was, no pony ever got back to work by being a lout. So in a unique feat of athletic prowess (‘thank you, special talent’), she deftly—and literally—rolled out of bed, sticking a perfect ten point landing.

Now that she was out of bed, she could begin her routine for actually waking up, starting with a nice, long shower. After a brisk trot to the bathroom, Pike wasted no time in getting her morning underway. With a few scrubs in those hard to reach places, a little touch up to her fangs to keep them at maximum sharpness, and of course, a bit of marescaping to give her tuft the perfect combination of shape and fluff, her morning routine was complete.

'Well... not quite.'

No morning would be complete if she didn’t admire herself in the mirror for at least a little bit.

‘Ooooooh yeah.’

‘Spread those wings!’

‘Flex those forelegs!’

‘This is the body that gets the stallions droppin!’

‘This is the body that gets work done!’

‘This is the body that spent all night snuggled deep in Anon’s big strong sexy forelegs!’

Her face turned a little red at that last thought, and along with that blush came today’s worries. Whatever Pike did, she COULD NOT let her squadmates know that’d happened. She'd almost hoped they wouldn't even ask, but it was a foregone conclusion that they would assail her with the inevitable battery of questions.

“So, did you do your signature move on him?”

“How fast did you get him to cum?”

“You even bother getting his address?”

And so forth. Sure, she could admit that they’d just cuddled and hung out, but that would be an unacceptable blow to her reputation! Macho mares bang stallions and call it a night! They don’t get... emotionally invested!

She’d just have to improvise. Pike didn’t have any intentions to lie per se... She’d just... stretch the truth a tad. However, that meant she had to figure out what to actually say.

Which she’d have plenty of time to do on a nice, leisurely walk to the barracks. Sure she could just fly and get there way faster, but for once, she wanted to take advantage of her stubby little legs. As she knew all too well, stubby legs mean a long walk. But, in this case, a long walk meant a long time to think! And a long time to think meant she’d be more likely to have a story ready that the mares would buy!

‘YES!’

So with what was surely a 100% foal-proof plan, Pike set off for work.

Astral Blade was sitting around, waiting for her best sis (and boss) Nocturnal Pike to get here. She wasn’t actually late, Astral was just used to her being there early. So, as far as she was concerned, Pike was pretty bucking late. And bouncing a ball off the wall was getting really boring.

Just: toss, boing, catch, repeat.

The thestral mare was sure if Pike was there, she’d tell Astral that she was “using the time perfectly to hone her skills!” And seeing as her combat role and special talent were in throwing small projectiles with pinpoint accuracy, Pike technically wouldn't be wrong.

But that was the difference between her and the sergeant; Pike could do the same thing over and over for hours.

But Astral?

She just got so Luna-damned bored.

After her most recent catch, she decided she’d well and truly had enough of this, and allowed the ball to rest in the claw of her wing. That left her with nothing to focus on however, so her eyes began to desperately wander the room, hoping for something to occupy her time and attention.

Hey, over there in the corner! It’s the Rookie! And she was...

‘Is she praying?’

Sure enough, the rookie was on her knees, head bowed, and, assuming Astral hadn’t lost her skills at reading lips, was mouthing something along the lines of “Oh sweet merciful Luna, please let Sergeant Pike have changed her mind about my assignment.”

‘Ha! Ahhhhh mare.’ Astral remembered when she first got the Blue shift. It honestly wasn’t as bad as everypony made it seem!

But, it was still pretty bad.

Before she could ruminate on that further however, the sound of an opening door signaled her much needed reprieve from monotony.

‘There she is.’

Nocturnal Pike made her belated entrance, which meant it was time, of course, for their customary greeting! A time honored tradition, wherein Astral spiked her ball right at the sergeant as she walked in.

‘Ready…’

‘Aim…’

‘Fire!’

Thwok

“Augh! Luna’s teets!”

Right in the snoot! How... unexpected.

Sure, technically that’s what she’d been trying to do, but Astral never really expected to actually land a hit! Mare, Pike must have been deep in thought about something; she’d never been able to catch her off guard like that.

“Haha, gotcha!”

”Stars above, did you have to go for the muzzle, Astral?”

“Of course! If I don’t keep you on your hooftips, who will?” She glibly retorted, before cantering over and giving the short mare a slap on the back. ”Now, what’s on your mind?”

”What?”

“Oh come on Pike, you know I never would have been able to nail you like that if you weren’t supremely distracted.” Astral gave her a second to roll her eyes and grudgingly acquiesce. “Don’t tell me you’re still thinking about that stallion from the bar?”

The scrunching of her face was all the confirmation Astral needed. “He seemed pretty into it when you left last night. What, did you get a case of whiskey-cunt at the last minute?”

Nocturnal Pike raised an eyebrow. “Pfffft, don’t be an idiot. Of course not.”

‘Sheesh Astral, you’re really putting me through the wringer, here.’

”Come on Pike, it’s nothing to be ashamed of! The amount of drinks you pounded? Any mare would have a tough time getting it flowin’ after that.”

‘Oh, so that’s how it’s going to be.’

A devilish smile crossed Pike’s face. “Gee Astral, you sure seem interested in my cunt all of the sudden. Discover something about yourself while I was away, you dyke?”

”Ha! You wish, you fruitbat! Everypony knows all those stallions you bed are just for show!”

The two of them shared a hearty laugh at that; the kind of laugh only best friends could.

‘Score! Questions dodged!’

Pike returned Astral’s previous slap on the back. It was more like a slap on the side though, since her forelegs didn’t reach that far. “Alright, quit your lollygaggin,’ fall-in’s in a few minutes. Start gathering the others, and make sure the rookie hasn’t started communing with the stars back there.”

Pike cast her attention back to said Rookie. She’d originally seen the prostrated mare when she walked in. She was also pretty sure she saw her foaming a little at the mouth.

'Jeez, she’s really stressed out about this.’

Pike felt kind of bad. But not bad enough to change the patrols she was about to give her.

Turning her attention back to her number two, Astral gave a mock salute and grinned. ”Aye aye, ma’am.”

It was about thirty minutes later. Fall-in had passed without incident, and before long, things fell into routine. Specifically, a training routine, and Nocturnal Pike’s squad was out in the yard, and workin’ hard!

Technically, the Sergeant should’ve been distributing patrol schedules right then, but Stable Sepulcher needed some extra time to get her day squads’ assignments sorted. Pike figured she’d give it to her, seeing as both she AND one of her squad-mares had foals on the way. Pike wouldn’t envy scheduling around one maternity leave, much less one plus her own! And since the evening transition shift is all about “cooperation and camaraderie between the day guard and night guard,” yadda yadda yadda… Well, Pike figured she’d throw her a proverbial bone and let her have the extra time.

But all that was for later. Right now, all that Pike and her squad would be focusing on is honing their bodies into the razor sharp blades they should be! So there the eleven of them were, going about their various exercises in the night guard training yard. Sure, Pike could have spent the time going around individually micromanaging all of their workouts, but she generally trusted them to do what they needed to do, and as such left them to it. The Night Guard always played fast and loose with regulations, and while those uptight parade fillies who called themselves "the Day Guard" always gave them guff for it, there was no arguing with the results: Pike's unit ran like a well-oiled machine.

Her plan was to spend the evening wailing on a training dummy, as she often did.

Roll between the legs, kick off into the air, dive onto their back, and strike between the shoulders! It’s a move she’d been working on for a while. In theory, it would be a great technique for taking down opponents sufficiently larger than herself (in fact, it would work perfectly on somepony Anon-sized). The basic idea was to catch them off guard with the roll, and then strike their back before they could create any sort of defense against the aerial assault. She was landing it pretty consistently, but not consistently enough that she was willing to try it out in a sparring session, or, Luna forbid, a real life attack on the castle.

So she stood in the training fields, drilling it into muscle memory.

Roll, jump, dive, strike.

‘Ha! Take that! I told ‘em I’m not a midget! I’m a whole two inches taller than a midget!’

Roll, jump, dive, strike!

‘POW! That’ll teach ‘er to call me a marelet!!’

Roll, jump, dive, strike!

‘I’m not a weak little filly just cuz I like being snuggled into Anon! I’m NOT!’

Roll, jump, dive, strike!

“PIKE!”

The short thestral skidded to a stop halfway through a roll. ”What, Astral!? Can’t you see I’m...”

Having her concentration broken allowed Pike to finally notice the sun was about to pass under the horizon. And that she and Astral were the only ponies still in the yard. Which could only mean that several hours had already passed.

“Luna’s teats, Pike, I’ve been calling your name for five minutes.” She pointed a hoof towards the entrance to the mess hall. ”Lunch bell.”

Technically, it was the dinner bell, but to the evening shifters, it was the de-facto lunch bell.

“Really? Thanks, phew, definitely got a little too in the zone there.”

Astral grinned. ”That’s what I’m here for.”

Nocturnal Pike and the rest of her mares had finally sat down for a “fine” meal. Some tripe that the mess sergeant was trying to pass off as moth hash, with some over-steamed greens, and a bit of mango on the side.

And filly, was she ever thanking the stars above for that bit of mango.

Despite the sub-par meal, the mares seemed to be in good spirits. Everypony was crammed into one table and telling tales of what shenanigans they got up to in their time off.

“So I just got done telling my coltfriend that he shouldn’t have to pay, when this shaved head, neon stallion runs up to our table and starts screaming at me how, and I quote, ‘You’re just a pawn of the matriarchy! You bigot! He can pay as much as he wants to!’ And my coltfriend, bless his heart, just says, ‘No, it’s alright. She can pay.’ Ha! I thought that stallion’s head was going to explode!”

”That’s insane.”

”Bucking stallionists, unbelievable.”

A certain hooded squadmare of theirs spoke up. “Hey, speaking of neon stallions...”

‘Arg!’

And there Pike was hoping everyone would forget. As much as she wanted to glare daggers at the mare who brought it up, she resisted.

‘Buck you, Cloak N. Dagger!’

Said mare continued on. “I’m surprised you haven’t regaled us with a tale of your night after you left the bar, Sarge.”

Trying valiantly not to look as sheepish as she felt, Pike put on her best “I am indifferent” face, and shrugged. “Not much to tell.”

Somepony Pike wasn’t looking at, but she was pretty sure it was Night Sky, shouted from the back end of the table, ”that’s never stopped you before!”

And while the table started laughing, Pike’s gears were busy turning. “Go buck yourself, Sky!”

Sky didn’t let up, leaning in from across the table. “Come on Pike, did you at least do your signature move on him?”

Oh, she’d prepared for that one! “Of course, I stuck the landing and he was out as soon as we hit the sheets!”

Which technically wasn’t untrue! Though she had fallen asleep shortly after hitting the sheets. Nestled in his forelegs.

As expected, this was enough cause for cheers and laughter. “Haha! Alright Pike!”

“On top of ‘em as always!”

“You even bother to remember his address?”

She’d prepared that one, too! Sliding into the most nonchalant pose she could, Pike responded with as much indifference as ponily possible. “Well, he certainly made sure I had it!”

As the table erupted into another round of chortling congratulations, she felt a sense of pride.

‘Crisis averted, image preserved!’

But as she sat in her seat feeling smug, she failed to notice the deep look of suspicion Astral Blade had affixed to her, before she'd quickly hidden it away.

As the laughing died down, the table lapsed into a brief silence. One which ended as soon as some other mare decided to take her chance to launch into a story about an awkward encounter she had with a Cadenzian missionary.

Pike took the opportunity to return to her meal.

‘Mmmmmm mmm.’

‘Gotta love mango.’

Once the team had finished consuming the edible parts of their meals, Nocturnal Pike and her squad soon departed the mess. They’d all been directed to go to the conference room where—

Pike felt herself being hoisted into the air.

‘HEY WHAT THE BUCK!’

‘WHO’S THE DEAD PONY THAT HAS THE GALL TO MAREHANDLE ME!?’

In her blinding rage, Pike didn’t even notice she was being pulled down a hallway and into a side room. After all, ‘WHO WOULD POSSIBLY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO—’

”Alright Pike, calm down.”

‘ASTRAL BLADE!?’

“ASTRAL!? You father-bucking bastard! You know how much I hate being marehandled!”

“You bet I do. I also know when you’re dodging questions, Pike.”

‘Uh oh.’

Her rage evaporated, to be replaced with cold dread. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Astral affixed Pike in her sternest, steeliest gaze. ”Pike, I’ve known you since basic. And I know when you don't want to answer something, you just whip out some horseapples. And those were some grade-A horseapples."

‘Buck, she’s right and she knows it.’

Pike didn’t say anything, but Astral knew her well enough to recognize her silence as acquiescence. “And in all of the time that I've known you, I've NEVER seen you shy away from bragging about bucking some colt. And to top it all off something's clearly been bothering you all day. So quit being a little bastard and tell me what's going on."

‘Oh no.’

‘This is horrible.’

‘This is it.’

‘This is the night Astral Blade’s respect for me dies!’

“I-its…” Pike sighed wearily, and turned her eyes to the floor. “Alright, I admit it. I didn't buck him. We just hung out at my place... and snuggled.. and I-I-I-I... I have another date with him tomorrow.”

‘Oh Luna this is so embarrassing!’

She immediately threw her head into her hooves.

Astral’s voice was heavy with disbelief. ”So you... what, just had a good, non-sexual time with a stallion? That’s it?”

‘Oh stars above!’

“Yes of course that’s it!”

Pike felt a lump in her chest. She knew what was coming. This was the part where Astral would call her a worthless excuse of a mare, and—

“Pike, that’s great!”

A slap right on the back broke her out of the panic spiral.

‘What.’

“What.”

“I mean, here I was starting to think you’d subsist off one night stands forever! Mare, I’m really happy for you!”

‘WHAT.’

Astral put a reassuring hoof onto the shorter mare’s shoulder. “Come on Pike, I know your shtick is to be the ‘macho mare’ but no pony’s going to think less of you for finding a stallion you really like and trying to woo him! Especially if he's so single he's hanging out at a bar. I mean, that's a one way ticket to being an alpha!"

‘Oh! Damn right I'm going to be his alpha!’

“Of-of course!”

”Tartarus, the only reason I’d start to think less of you for something like that was if the stallion you started seeing was willing to buck after just one night in a bar.”

Pike... well, she couldn’t believe it; she'd had nothing to worry about this whole time.

“I mean, dating a slut? I’d be worried you lost your mind!”

Pike smiled gratefully. “Thanks, Astral.”

She gave Pike a beaming grin. “Don’t mention it.”

The sergeant smiled contentedly and gave a little chuckle. Luna’s teats, did Anon being such a janefilly turn her into a stallion? She couldn’t believe she let herself get so worked up over nothi—

“Besides, you just hung out and snuggled. It’s not like you spent the night as his little spoon or something like that.” Through sheer force of will, Pike kept her smile from falling off her face. “Could you imagine! Hahaha! You being the little spoon? Oh mare, now that would be actually embarrassing.”

“Haha, yeah. T-totally humiliating!”

‘Come on, poker face, don’t fail me now.’

”Listen, I understand if you don’t want the squad knowing about this. Don’t want to compromise your whole ‘mare’s mare’ image by having a coltfriend, right? I get it, so don’t worry. I’ll keep it on the DL.”

It was a relief to know that at least she had Astral's support.

Kind of.

“Thanks, you’re doing me a huge favor, Astral.”

”Hey, what are sisters for?”

Pike let out a sigh of (semi)relief. ”Alright, enough of this colty gossip. We need to get going. Sepulcher’s probably already in the conference room and wondering where in Tartarus I am.”

Astral laughed, ”Haha, alright, but before we go, does this stallion of yours have a name?”

As Pike thought back to him, she couldn’t help but feel the genuineness return to her smile.

“Anonymous.”

Chapter 5

View Online

Nocturnal Pike was awake earlier than she was used to. But she was taking no chances today. She’d gotten up bright and early at 9 am, fully intent on making sure she was on time! Which, in hindsight, was a little excessive. It was now 11 AM, and as things stood, Pike was just sort of waiting around until it was time to leave. Which she had been for the last hour.

She wasn’t a stallion after all; it didn’t take her that long to get ready.

It wasn’t like she was going somewhere that required excessive preparation, either; it was just Burger Princess. The thought of excessive preparation made Pike smile as she imagined what Anon must’ve been doing to prepare for their date. Sifting through his closet for the perfect outfit, spraying himself down with cologne, desperately trying to perfect his mane...

‘Wait.’

Actually, on second thought, were it any other stallion, that would probably be true. But Anon?

Nah.

Honestly... he was probably doing the exact same things she’d done. Now that was an idea that made her chuckle. A stallion that didn’t take no less than an hour to get ready? That was something she wished she could see with her own eyes.

In fact, if she concentrated hard enough, she felt like she could almost see what he was doing...

He was in the zone.

‘Easy does it…’

‘Steady…’

‘Annnnnnnnnnnnd…’

Snap

“Hey! Was that a camera!?”

‘Score!’

Anonymous the unicorn deactivated his magical hands and allowed the camera he was holding to fall right back into his saddlebags. It was a technique he’d mastered for grabbing stealthy shots when holding the camera with his hooves wasn’t really an option. Like, for example, when the subjects he was trying to photograph were on the other side of a massive wall that they would've immediately noticed him climbing.

Like they were in this case.

“Find that photographer and get her!”

Oops, and by the sound of things, his unwitting subjects were mad as hell. He was only just outside the property on a public path, so it wouldn’t take long for the bodyguards to arrive.

Time for the getaway!

Having long since realized that the best way to escape was not, in fact, to immediately start running, he instead readied his act. Step one, wait until he could hear that the guards were close—like they were now!

Then, step two:

“AAAAAAAGH!”

Anonymous threw himself to the ground as hard as he could. The two guards, having heard the cry and gotten close enough to see him lying on the ground, came rushing over. They quickly closed the distance to to where he was lying, their faces filled with what was probably genuine concern as they stood over him.

“Sweet Celestia, are you okay, sir?”

‘Now for the killing blow! Step three: put on your weepiest face!’

“Ow, y-yes I think.” He sniffled. “Some, crazy mare with a camera just bowled me over!”

“A crazy mare?”

“With a camera?”

The two mares shared a look, undoubtedly thinking they’d just hit the jackpot.

”Don’t worry sir, we’re after that mare right now. Did you happen to see where she went after she hit you?”

“I think,” he began, pointing his hoof in the opposite direction he was going. “That way!”

The two of them gave him reassuring smiles, and the one on the left spoke up. ”Thank you so much sir, would you like my partner to stay with you, or do you think you’ll be alright?”

Anon gave another fake sniffle. “N-no I think I’ll be fine. Thank you.”

At that, the guards shared a wordless look and took off in the direction he’d pointed.

‘Ha! Suckers.’

He had no doubt they’d be chasing that “lead” for a while. There was no reason that sexism couldn’t work to his advantage! Not once had they ever suspected the “poor injured stallion” was actually the one they were looking for. No matter how many times he’d done it, no matter where it was, they always fell for it.

They probably always would.

Seeing that he was now out of danger, Anon stood up, brushed himself off, and pulled open his saddlebag to retrieve his camera. And it looked like it had already spit out the photo while it was safely packed away. Thankfully, it worked just like those old Polaroids from back home. Now, all he had to do was shake the photo and he’d see if he got what he needed.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaand…’

‘YES!’

Upper Crust, one of Equestria’s noblemares, mid meeting with the griffon delegation!

It appeared his sources were spot on, once again. It was odd that they’d given him such consistently great information, considering all he paid them in was pictures of his hooves. But he was certainly not complaining; without them, he’d never find scoops like this!

Photographic evidence that Upper Crust, owner of one of the largest foundries in Equestria, was having clandestine meetings with the leaders of the currently trade embargoed Griffon Kingdom? That would be big news if it wasn’t about to be published under ‘gossip!’

Oh well; at least that was the same reason no one ever comes after him for stories like that.

Stashing the photo back in his bag, Anon picked up the pace back to his place. With his work accomplished for the day, he had a commitment to keep, and an errand to run.

Several hours later, Anonymous was finally underway. Thankfully, it was easy to find the place that Pike had picked: 'Burger Princess,' supposedly the best fast-food joint in Canterlot. Anon knew that ponies were vegetarian, and that they would never serve REAL burgers, so he'd been going out of his way to avoid it. But when Pike asked if he'd wanted to go, he figured it was high time to at least give it a try. After all, it wasn't like it could hurt him.

Unlike the ground chicken he’d bought from that griffon. Now that had fucking hurt him.

He internally cringed at the memory of the day he’d spent vomiting into a toilet. That was how he’d learned he needed to rethink his entire diet. In spite of it all, however, he’d so far avoided eating hay on principle. He was alright with flowers, but hay is for horses, dammit!

But as Anon approached Burger Princess’ “Home of the Celestial Hayburger” sign, he feared his abstinence was about to come to an end.

‘Hey look, right under that sign, it’s Pike!’

‘Awwww and she’s doing a little dance with her hooves!’

‘Now that’s cute.’

Nocturnal Pike was certainly not so nervous that she was trotting in place.

Nope.

Absolutely not.

Besides, what did she even have to be nervous about? It wasn’t like this was her first actual date in years or anything. And it wasn’t like getting there a full hour too early had allowed her imagination to dream up all kinds of horrible scenarios or anything. After all, there was no way in Tartarus Anonymous would stand her up.

Nu uh.

No way.

”Hey Pike!”

‘Oh thank Luna, there he is!’

Nocturnal Pike beamed brightly and waved at the approaching stallion.

Waving back, he called out to her. "That was a cute little dance you were doing!”

‘OhNoHeSawMyNevousTrot’

“Hey! It’s not cute!”

Nocturnal Pike was sporting the biggest pout that Anonymous had ever seen, so, fittingly, he responded with a big, cheshire grin. “If you say so.”

Pike huffed. “I just had Songbird’s newest song stuck in my head is all.”

Anon was, admittedly, still pretty rough on pony body language, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t the kind of dance someone did to a tune. But he let it rest for now; a man’s gotta save some ribbing material for later.

“Alright, alright. Let’s go get ourselves some grub.”

Pike’s pout vanished at that, and she gestured for him to follow with her wing. As the two of them walked in the establishment’s front door, something immediately took the unicorn by surprise.

‘It... actually smells great!’

It was a strangely delicious combination of sweet, deep-fried goodness, and something else he couldn’t quite place.

Speaking of places, Anon took a look around at the interior of the one he was in. It was clearly of a higher quality than what he’d expected from a place whose name was seemingly analogous to “Burger King.” The decor was more in line with a nice restaurant than a fast food chain. From the look of things, they were meant to order at the counter, and then they’d bring it to their table. And whoops, while he was busy gawking, Pike had already walked up to the counter.

‘Better get over there, slowpoke!’

Pike quickly made her order. ”I’ll take a number two with extra daybreak sauce, and a side of princess fries.”

As the unicorn cashier turned her attention to Anonymous, he was surprised to see far more, seemingly genuine cheer than he’d ever seen out of a food service worker back home. ”Alright, and what can we get for you, sir?”

Turning his gaze upward from the cashier, he looked at the menu.

‘Hmmmmmmmm.’

The offerings were more or less what he’d expected. No meat in sight, just hay related products and other such things. But hey, at least they had onion rings!

And... a filet o’ fish?!

‘Score! Another day of putting off hay!’

Anon didn’t even know ponies could eat fish. But, it didn’t have one of those ‘carnivore options’ asterisks that he’d seen at places that serve griffons, so it was probably fine.

He hoped.

“I’ll have a double order of onion rings... and a filet o’ fish, please.”

The still smiling cashier piped up. “Sounds good! That brings your total up to... sixteen bits.”

As Anon turned his head to reach for the bits in his saddlebags, his and Pike’s eyes met. Clearly realizing what he was trying to do, her eyes narrowed.

‘I’m not letting a gi-mare pay for my food, dammit!’

With all the haste he could muster, Anon’s magic hands whipped open his saddlebags and—

“Here you go!”

‘Fuck.’

By the time Anon had grabbed his coin purse, Pike already had the bits ready in an outstretched wing. As she held said bits out, she looked him in the eyes and affixed him with the smuggest look he’d ever seen. “Gotcha.”

‘Curses! You win this round, Pike!’

“Ahem?” The sound of a clearing throat brought Anon’s attention back to the very confused cashier. As she took the bits with her magic, she handed Pike a receipt and a plastic number. “Thank you ma’am. Have a nice day!”

Pike didn’t even look at the unicorn at the register as she grabbed it, electing instead to continue staring at Anon with pure smug. “Thanks, you too.”

Finding a decent table, (one with especially high chairs) the two of them sat down and promptly began chatting. A task Pike took to with barely contained mirth. “Pffffft, hahahaha! I cannot believe you were going to try to pay for my food.”

In spite of everything, Anon managed to be both surprised and indignant. “Wha- Why not? A stallion always pays for his mare’s food!”

“Oh come on Anon, that’s not true and you know it!”

And she was right; he did know it.

But that didn’t mean he liked it!

Anon crossed his forelegs and huffed. “Hmph. Well, that’s how my dad raised me, so that’s how I am.”

That got another chuckle out of Pike. “Well, my mom told me that a mare should always pay for a stallion’s food, so it seems I’ll be paying as long as I can beat you to the draw.”

He grinned at that. “Keywords being: as long as you can beat me.”

Before she could reply, the unicorn from before arrived with their food.

As he unwrapped his sandwich, he was delighted to find that it smelled great. And, as he took his first bite, he discovered that it also tasted great! It didn’t take long before he was fully chowing down on his fried fish sandwich.

But as he did, he felt the distinct sensation of eyes on him.

Slightly adjusting his gaze, he saw that those eyes were Pike’s, and she was giving him a look he couldn’t quite place.

“What’s up?”

Turning away, Pike waved off with a hoof. “Eh, it’s nothing.”

It really was nothing worth mentioning.

It was just that, as Anon ate... there was something about it. For some reason, Nocturnal Pike couldn’t help but be reminded of the time those griffon diplomats had dinner with the princess, and she’d had to guard the dining room.

It was odd.

And speaking of odd...

“Isn’t fish typically a pegasus thing?”

Anon stopped mid-bite at that, and surprisingly, he looked shocked that she’d asked. “Uhhhh, what do you mean?”

Pike glanced down at his sandwich before turning her attention back to him. “I’ve just never seen a unicorn eat fish before.”

Which was no exaggeration. The only ponies she’d ever seen order and consume fish were pegasi, and even then it was usually only pegasi from the coast. Heck, she didn’t even know unicorns could even actually eat fish. But there Anon was, chowing down on a fillet.

“Oh, really? Huh, peo-uh, ponies ate it all the time back home. Guess I never really gave it much thought.”

‘Huh.’

Maybe he grew up in one of those very coastal towns? In fact, she probably ought to ask him. But sadly, before she could, he beat her to the punch.

”Say Pike, speaking of home, you’re also not a Canterlot native right? Where did you come from?”

“Baltimare,” she answered, smiling at the memories.

‘Ahhhhh, Baltimare.’

“I grew up on the north side, in a small Thestral neighborhood (Heh, neighborhood) with my dad, mom, and three herd moms.”

He looked surprised at that. But why? Sure, that was a little above average, but not by much. “...Four moms? Man, bet you had a lot of siblings, then.”

She grinned. ”Ha! I’d certainly call ten siblings ‘a lot!’”

At that, Anon’s eyes looked like they were about to jump out of his head. “TEN!?”

Puffing out her chest, Pike struck her best effort at a dignified posture. “Yes indeed, I’ll have you know, we Orthadox Lunarian thestrals pride ourselves on our large families.”

Even though he was obviously still reeling at the idea of that many siblings, that got a chuckle out of him. “Heh, no kidding. Wow, I can’t even imagine what that would be like.”

“It was only three brothers and seven sisters.”

Anon just chuckled. “Ha! ‘Only seven sisters.’”

She could hear the air-quotes in there. “Well how many did you have?”

“One!”

‘WHAT!?’

Now it was Pike’s turn to have her eyes bug out of her head. “One what!?”

Her reaction turned his chuckles into full out laughter.

“One sister!”

She almost couldn’t believe what she was hearing! “Where did you grow up, the Crystal Empire!?”

“Nnnnnnnnnnope! Hahahahaaaaa!” She thought she could see tears in his eyes, he was laughing so hard. “Oh man, the look on your face!”

Pike’s face scrunched up at that. “Yeah, cuz it’s weird, you weirdo!”

That just makes him laugh harder. “Ohhhhhh, oh lord, hahaaaa.”

Through the haze of his laughter, he reached out for another onion ring, only to realize they were all gone. In fact, both of them had long since finished their meals.

As Anon’s laughter faded away, he pointed toward the exit, and smiled. “Say... you ready to head out? I have a little something something we can do at my place. Just got it today, in fact.”

‘Oh my. Disregard those lewd thoughts, Pike!’

”Oh? What?”

He just smiled mischievously. “C’mon, I’ll show you when we get there.”

Chapter 6

View Online

The walk to Anon’s place was relatively uneventful, and they passed the time with idle banter as they went. Though, as they got further and further away from Burger Princess, Nocturnal Pike gradually began to realize just how little this colt must’ve been getting paid. Mare, all the way past Sun Street? His boss must practically be robbing him!

The long walk also gave her time to realize the two of them had left the restaurant before she could ask him about where he'd grown up. She’d made a few subsequent attempts to find out, but every time he either deflected or changed the subject without really answering anything. She supposed it wasn’t a big deal; after all, colts do love their secrets.

She was sure she’d get it out of him eventually, though. The only thing a colt loves more than a secret is spilling it.

Eventually, they arrived at Anon’s building and took the stairs up to his self proclaimed “bachelor pad.” As he opened the door and beckoned Pike inside, she took a look around. Something about it seemed odd. The place was a decent size—clearly one of the benefits of its far-away location. But as she proceeded to take a seat on his couch, she couldn’t help but notice that the apartment was incredibly sparsely decorated. No pictures of family, no knickknacks, and seemingly nothing that could have come from his old home. In fact, by the look of it, his only apparent possessions were an old crystal tv and some movies.

She’d never seen a stallion’s place with so little in it.

Before she could ruminate on that further, she heard him call out. ”By the way, Pike?” Attempting to turn her attention to Anon, she found that she couldn’t actually see him. He’d wandered off to his bedroom, seemingly in search of something. ”Do you mind if I take this off?”

‘What does he mean? Take what off?’

‘The only thing he’s wearing is…’

‘Is…’

“It just makes me so uncomfortable. It’s fine if you’d rather I keep it on but—”

She didn’t let him finish that thought. “Nonono don’t suffer for my account Anon, by all means.”

He let out a sigh of relief in the other room. “Thank god, you’re the best, Pike.”

She smiled to herself in giddy anticipation, which only grew at the sound of fabric hitting the floor.

‘Oh no Anon, thank you.’

“So anyways check this out...”

Whatever Anon was saying faded out of Pike’s perception as he walked back into the room. Whatever he was carrying in his magic could wait. The only thing that could hold her attention right then were his now visible, pendulous (F CUP!!) balls swinging between his legs. They were mesmerizing. He could’ve walked right over top of her and they’d smack her squarely in the face... she wouldn’t even be able to see around them...

‘Wait, no. Get it together Pike!’

‘Anon trusts you enough that he assumed you wouldn’t rape him with your eyes, and Luna damn it, you’re not letting him down!’

With an immeasurable effort of willpower, she tore her eyes away from his balls and back to his face, allowing his voice to fade back in as she did. “...sure it’s localized differently, but I’m certain this is the same game me and my friends used to play all the time.”

It was right around then that she realized the thing he’d brought in with him was a board game.

“Oh, yeah? What’s it called?”

“XPONI: Enemy Unknown. I know it looks like a lot, but once you’re into it, it’s so thrilling it’ll shave years off your life!”

She suppressed a grimace as she took the box from him. Pike had never really been one for board games; they were too nerdy for her tastes. But... Anon seemed really excited to play it. After all, she was pretty sure he hadn’t stopped beaming the entire time he was talking about it.

Might as well give it a shot. How bad could it be?

The past two hours had been some of the most intense in Nocturnal Pike’s life.

All of them had been spent in the same game. But she didn’t mind, because they were SO CLOSE TO BEATING THOSE ALIEN BITCHES!

“Come on Pike! We need to beat the final mission this turn or we’re fucked!”

‘Buck buck buck!’

And things were looking grim.

“I know Anon, but we have no money! I could only afford these three troops!”

Pike turned her attention to the board. The final mission’s fate rested on nothing more than a sniper, one support, and a heavy. It was enough to complete all the mission objectives, but only just. And if she couldn’t finish the mission this turn, Griffonstone would drop out of the coalition! Seeing as they’d already lost Yakyakistan, losing another kingdom would mean game over!

Pike cast her gaze to the dice in her hooves. The three blue dice that would decide the fate of the world. It was paramount that she rolled three successes, one on each die. Anything less, and the mission failed.

Shaking the dice with all of her might, Pike prayed to Lord Luck.

‘Come onnnnn!’

‘Annnnnnnd toss!’

Pike made the toss.

The two of them watched with bated breath as the dice arced through the air.

‘Touchdown!’

And as they rolled to a stop she saw...

‘Two successes, YES!’

And...

“ONE FAILURE! BUCK! LUNA DAMN IT!”

The troops were dead, the turn was over, AND THOSE CELESTIA DAMNED ALIENS WON!

As Pike prepared to flip the board in a fit of marely rage, Anon called out to her. “WAIT! I have a card that lets you reroll a fail!”

Pike looked over to his side of the board. Sure enough, he’d acquired a card (technically the game calls it ‘equipment,’ but she was calling it what it was: a card) that would let her reroll the failing die..

“Use it, use it, use it!”

He turned the card to its side. “Alright, GO!”

Reaching out, Pike reacquired that blue die and prepared for the next roll. She just needed one more success...

‘C’mooooooooon.’

She tossed the die.

She held her breath as its clatter reached her ears.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaand…’

“SUCCESS! YES!”

Anon leapt into the air, cheering. “FUCK YEAH!”

Final mission complete!? ALIENS BEAT!

Pike pumped her hoof in the air. “GET OFF OUR PLANET!” With a satisfied smile on her face, she reached for the ‘You Win’ placard, ready to—‘hey what the!?’ Before she could do anything about it, Anon had wrapped his forelegs around Pike and hoisted her into the air. The giddy stallion started twirling around on his hindlegs, taking her with him.

“Wooo hooooooo!”

“Anon, wait! You’re gonna-” Before Pike could even finish voicing her warning, they promptly reached the expected outcome of a pony trying to dance around on their hind legs. With a cracking thud, Anon fell right onto his back, the stallion squeezing her tightly against his barrel as he did. ‘EEEEEEEEE!’

”OOOOF.”

As Anon touched down with a groan and a hiss of pain, Pike was hit with a massive wave of worry. “Sweet Luna, Anon are you okay!?”

With one hoof still clutching her to his chest, and another rubbing the spot where he’d obviously bumped his head, he just smiled. ”Pffft, I’m fine. Phew, I forgot what a rush that game was.”

He was right about that, she certainly was into it by the end there. “Yeah, it was a good time. Good choice, Anon.” However, as good a time as they’d had, there was something Pike needed to address. Hardening her gaze, she gave him a quick, light boop on the snoot.

”Wha-hey!”

As his eyes crossed, she let him have it. “Next time you’ve got to keep your whimsey under control!” As she continued, something not quite marely slipped into her voice. “You could have really hurt yourself...”

He just smiled and patted her on the head. ”Oh come on Pike, I’m a big strong stallion, you don’t need to worry about me.”

Allowing her stern gaze to slack, she rested her head on his chest. “Big and strong or not...” She gave him a much gentler and more playful boop. “A mare’s job is to keep her stallion out of trouble.”

At that, his face lit up. “Oho, I guess then, that makes you...”

In a surprise twist, Anon booped her!

“My mare.”

Without giving him a second to think, Pike booped him right back. “Guess it does.”

The two of them didn’t even bother to get up, choosing to lie there, she on top of him, as they laughed and booped each other. It was a great way to spend the hours before her shift.

It was... nice.

Chapter 7

View Online

The months were flying by. Autumn had passed into winter, and Nocturnal Pike and her coltfriend Anon had found themselves in a comfortable routine; one that was currently being shaken up, as Pike set down the box she'd been carrying, lovingly labeled 'dumb shit.' If she had read that a few months ago, she would’ve had no idea what that meant or what was in it. But after spending so much time with Anon, Pike believed she was starting to truly understand his weird turns of phrase. ‘Shit’ roughly translated to ‘horseapples.’ As for what he’d pack as ‘dumb horseapples?’ Pike would put her bits on the box being full of ball bras. Mare he really didn’t like those things.

Turning to the other boxes, she saw the rest of what Anon had deemed “his essentials.” All in all, it was far less than what she’d expect a stallion to pack, but not less than she’d expect Anon to pack. Only a few toiletries, some board games, those bras, and a relatively light box labeled ‘clothes.’

Oh! And, she couldn’t forget about his work stuff. Given she’d just heard the door to her apartment close, he’d probably just finished bringing them up. Turning around to look at the stallion, Pike could see the strain on his face as he hoisted the box carrying what must’ve been dozens of pages of notes, his camera, and his typewriter. As he dropped the box on the counter—and probably not as gently as he should—he sighed with relief. “Thanks again for letting me stay here, Pike.”

“Of course, what else am I supposed to do? Let my coltfriend freeze to death in his own apartment?”

He breathed out a soul expelling sigh at that. “Then you’re a better mare than my landlady. Un-fucking-believeable; I bet that rat bitch would let her own husband freeze for a bit.”

“Pffft, hahaha! Well Anon...” She elbowed him in the shin. “You certainly got what you paid for, eh?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I really did. I went for a cheaper apartment, and now I’m paying the price. Heh, while she’s paying the price for a new heating system.”

Giving him a supportive smile, Pike gestured with her wings to the apartment around them. “Well, until the heat returns, be that in your building or the weather, my home is your home.”

He smiled. “Thanks Pike, I really appreciate it.”

Anonymous the unicorn may not have been showing it, but he was honestly pretty peeved. He’d run into a repairmare a few days after things had first really gotten cold in his building. Apparently, the heating system hadn’t been updated, or even maintained, in actual decades! She’d said they were practically going to need to replace the whole thing. So not only was the rent about to go up so the owner could afford that, but there wasn't going to be heat in that building for months! During what weatherponies were calling ‘the coldest Winter since Luna’s return!’ So here he was, temporarily moving in with Pike. Normally he would’ve waited a lot longer before moving in with someone, but his options were few. He could A: shell out the big bits for a fancy schmancy crystal heater, or B: move in with Pike.

And he gladly chose B.

Plus, he was looking forward to being able to spend more time with her. She was a busy pony, after all. And there’s no easier way to spend time with someone than to sleep in the same bed as them! Which was why he was busy unpacking most of his worldly possessions for an extended stay in Pike’s apartment full of comically shortened furniture.

'Just look at that dresser in her bedroom! If I was standing next to it, I could rest my chin right on top of it!'

‘Speaking of bedrooms…’

“Hey Pike, is there a good place to put this stuff?”

As Nocturnal Pike turned her attention back to Anon, she saw he was pointing to his ‘clothes’ and ball bra boxes.

‘Uhhhhhhhhhhh’

“They should fit in my closet as long as you don’t need to hang all of them up.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. If I’m being honest, most of these’ll probably never leave their boxes anyhow.”

Ha! Leave it to a stallion to pack something he never uses as an ‘essential.’ Not that she really minded, of course. Turning her attention to the other boxes, she still needed to figure out where the rest of that stuff could go.

‘Hmmmmm, where should I put his typewriter?’

Well, she supposed the first step was finding a table she hadn’t already halved the height of for her convenience. She’d rather not make him spend all that time hunched over like some kind of diamond dog.

‘Let’s see. Maybe I could glue the legs back on that old end table…’

It wasn't long at all before Anon and Pike had finished getting him all moved in. So to celebrate his moving into Pike's abode, (and as a thank-you for letting him stay there), he decided to do something special: indulge the gender roles a bit and cook Pike a nice, homemade meal!

With mixed results.

”Luna a-cough-above Anon what did you do!?”

“I DON’T KNOW!”

Taking in the sight before him, he despaired as what was meant to be a simple veggie stir fry had transformed into a nightmare. The pan had turned a troubling shade of black, and it was spewing smoke at an alarming rate.

”Anon, you’re supposed to put the olive oil in first!”

His first attempt at an answer was cut off by a coughing fit, with the second try only barely making it out. “I did!¹”

He'd already turned off the stove, but even pulling the pan off the burner didn't seem to do anything to stop the smoke.

'At this rate, we might have to flee the whole damn apartment!'

Just as he was about to give up hope, Pike suddenly shouted at him, ”quick, open a window!”

Immediately turning his head to the living room, he spotted one. "THERE!"

Reaching out with his magic, Anon whipped it open. Before he could even say that it was, Pike leapt into the air and began beating her wings. At first, he wasn’t sure what she was doing, but then he felt it. Each wingbeat created an air current that began flowing out the window, slowly but surely taking the smoke with it. With every beat the air got clearer, and breathing became easier.

So much easier that he could let out a little cheer!

“Go Pike go!”

As she continued cleaning the air, he telekinetically grabbed the pan and threw it into the sink; hopefully, drowning the culinary abomination would be enough to finally put it out of its misery. Turning on the water, and saying a small prayer, he dunked it in.

Success!

The smoke flow tapered off, and Pike promptly cleared the rest of it out, thereby returning the kitchen to it’s natural order. As she came back down to land beside him, the two of them took some much needed lungfuls of clean air. The respite was nice, but after having a few moments to think, Anon began to feel the tinges of shame.

‘Unbelievable. How did I manage to fuck that up?'

Sure, he was never much of a cook back home, but this was a new low. Placing his head in his hooves, he was unable to muster anything more than a baleful, “I just don’t know what went wrong...”

Turning her attention away from the bliss of clean air, and over to Anon, Pike was treated to a sad sight. His head was down, eyes covered with his hooves, and he wore a pitiable expression on his face. Before she could even think twice she was in full comfort mode. She immediately moved to his side and wrapped him in the biggest hug she possibly could. Sure, her hooves couldn't reach all the way around, but it's the thought that counts, Luna damn it! And while Pike was sure he wasn’t about to burst into tears or anything like that (he’s no little bastard) it wasn’t like she was gonna turn down the chance to hug her coltfriend.

‘So hug him I shall.’

After a few reassuring pats, he pulled his hooves away from his face, revealing the true emotion he was feeling: pure, distilled, exasperation.

“Seriously, you were watching me do that right? All that was in there was oil and veggies.”

Pike couldn’t help but smirk a bit. “And yet it almost burned down the building.”

He groaned. “Fuck, yeah I guess it... wait, why didn’t the smoke alarm go off?”

Figuring the hug had served its purpose, Pike pulled back. “Oh that? I pulled the batteries out before you started.”

“What? Why?”

“Just a hunch.”

At first Anon recoiled, looking offended. But slowly his face fell and he let out a sigh. “Well, damn. I guess you were right.”

‘Oh buck, now you’ve actually got him down.’

Hoping to salvage the mood, Pike gave him a reassuring slap on the back with her wing. “Don’t sweat it! C’mon let’s just get takeout.”

He took a glance out the window, as did she. The snow was really starting to come down.

”Is there any place even open at this point? It’s looking like a blizzard out there.”

Pike grinned. “Oh, I know just the place.”

A quick jaunt through the snow later, and the two returned with their meal: a peetzer larger than any he'd ever seen.

Anonymous shook his head in amazement. “I didn’t even know they made pizzas this big.”

Pike smiled, obviously pleased that her recommendation had impressed him. ”I told you, Giorno makes the biggest, and best, pizzas in Canterlot.”

He smirked. “And I’m guessing that Griffon is the only one who bothers to stock your weird preferred toppings.”

That statement instantly wiped the smile off her face, leaving a look of indignation. “Hey! They aren’t weird!”

Placing the extra large pizza box on her living room table, Anon popped the lid to look at the contents. “Pike, I needn’t remind you that your half of the pizza has mangos and moths on it.”

“Which are THE most popular toppings for bat ponies!”

His face reflected the incredulity he felt. While it would’ve been impossible to argue about the thestrals’ love of moths and mangos, he remained unconvinced that either of them had any place on a pizza pie. Although, considering how much those ponies love their mangoes...

‘Oh, right!’

Anon couldn’t keep the grin off his face. “Speaking of...”

“Speaking of what?”

Plopping himself on Pike’s couch, Anon eyed a brown paper bag he’d left in her kitchen earlier. In an instant, it flew across the room and into his waiting hooves. 'Go telekinesis!'

“Speaking of mangoes,” he said, pulling off the bag to reveal the bottle inside. “I got us this!”

Handing the bottle to Pike, she took a moment to read the label. As she did, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. “‘Noctis Vineyard’s: Mango Moscato!?’ Anon, you shouldn’t have!”

He puffed up like a peacock, pleased as punch with himself. “Hey, what kinda guy would I be if I didn’t treat my fillyfriend to a little something-something every once in a while?”

Pike’s beaming smile got brighter. “Heh, come on let’s get this baby popped open!”

Nocturnal Pike was several glasses of wine into the bottle. And mare, that was some strong stuff! At this point, she’d certainly passed ‘tipsy.’ She wasn’t quite drunk, but she had gotten enough wine into herself that she’d started hanging on Anon. So there she was, upside down between his forelegs, head on the couch, and tail wrapped around his neck like the world’s fuzziest necktie.

”Haha! Hey! That book was right!”

She angled her head to look up at the stallion in question. “What book?”

After a brief look of concentration passed over his face (followed by the sound of something falling over in her bedroom), and a telekinetically suspended book flew into the room. Coming to a stop right by her head, she grabbed it out of the air and took a look at the cover.

“The Complete Guide to Intimacy Between All the Pony Tribes," she read aloud.

“Pretty slick right? I got it so I could be a more dutiful coltfriend and all that.”

‘Awww, how sweet of him.’

Pike smiled. “Anon, you could have just asked me about those types of things.”

“Yeah, but reading is fun!”

She rolled her eyes at the dork before cracking the book open herself.

‘Let’s see how accurate it really is.’

‘Here’s the table of contents…’

‘Thestrals on page 45....’

‘Ah, there!’

After reading the first couple paragraphs, she had to say...

“You know, this is actually pretty accurate!”

Anon’s smile widened just a tad. “I’m glad! That salesmare pitched it to me for TWENTY MINUTES, so it’d better be.”

Pike chuckled and continued to read the chapter. “I see the author remembered to include membrane moistening, good detail.”

Something about what she'd said made him burst out laughing. “Pffffft hahahaha!”

“What?”

“Is that seriously what you call it?”

Putting on an indignant look, Pike puffed out her chest. “Oh? And what would you call it?”

“Wing licking.”

Her face felt a little flush. “B-but that makes it sound so... so dirty.”

Anon, seemingly not picking up on her mounting embarrassment, continued unabated. “It just seems silly to give it such an overly long name though. Cuz that’s what it is right? If I was going to ‘moisten your membranes’ that’d just be me running my tongue up and down your wings...”

By then, Pike’s face had turned beet red. Praying he wouldn’t notice, she attempted to focus on anything in the room that wasn’t what he was talking about. Unfortunately it was all in vain, as he caught sight of her frantically looking away from him.

“Ohhh? Tell me, am I seeing somepony...” he leaned in until she could feel his breath on her ear. “Who would like their ‘membranes moistened’ right now?”

Pike could feel her face getting redder. “Uh, uh, di-didn’t you read the book? I-it’s something you do at the start of the day, n-not at the end!”

Sensing her deflection, he only gave the bat a sly smile. “What’s the matter? I know you’re a popular mare. What, never had a stallion offer to lick your wings before?”

‘Come on Pike, if you keep letting him get you this flustered you’re going to have to turn in your mare-card!’

“O-of course!” Leaping out from under him, and landing on the other end of the couch, she struck a wings extended, tuft out, mareliest of mares pose. “I-I’ll have you know that before I met you, stallions would line up around the block for a chance at these!” She accentuated the point by giving said wings a wiggle.

‘Just look at how perfectly maintained they are!’

Anon seemed unimpressed though, and he turned his attention back to the book. “’As the membranes of a Thestral’s wings don’t grow back like pegasus feathers, Thestrals ascribe a great deal more intimacy on allowing others to lick their wings. A Thestral allowing somepony who was just a one night stand to ‘moisten their membranes,’ is almost unheard of.’”

Looking up from the page, he simply affixed her with a smug grin, knowing the passage spoke for itself.

‘Rats! I should have taken the book so he couldn’t call my bluff.’

Knowing he had her beat, she allowed her posture to deflate and acquiesced. “Yeah, okay I haven’t... but ONLY because the book is right! It’s not the kind of thing you do with someone you just took home from the bar! It’s more... i-intimate. R-Really intimate.”

“So intimate that just the thought of it is enough to fluster a Trixie Thundercunt like yourself?”

Pike’s face lifted a little at that, the compliment alleviating some of the embarrassment. But the fact was, the way she was blushing like a schoolfilly didn’t exactly have her feeling like a Trixie Thundercunt right then.

“Y-yeah...”

He didn’t immediately reply to that, and only smiled.

“Well then...” It was around then she noticed he’d dropped the book, but kept his horn lit. “Let’s see how intimate we get tonight.” As if to punctuate that statement, two more bottles of wine drifted in from the kitchen. And before she could even finish comprehending that remark, he rapidly scooted across the couch until he could drape his foreleg over her shoulders. As he lay his chin atop her head, the bottles came to rest in Pike’s direct field of vision.

‘Wait, those bottles…’

They were mango too.

‘Oh mare.’

The two of them (but mostly Pike) were going to be drinking a lot of wine tonight.

“Anooooon...”

“Hey, come ooon, you said you didn’t have to go to work tomorrow!”

Looking at the bottles, she could feel the sweet mangoes within... calling to her.

“...Promise you won’t let me drink them both myself?”

He leaned into her a little more. ”Promise.”

Chapter 8

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It was the next morning, and Nocturnal Pike, guardsmare extraordinaire, awoke in shame.

Finding herself as the little spoon would have been embarrassing enough, but as the memories of the previous night came trickling back, something far more disgraceful held her attention. As Anonymous continued to sleep, Pike extricated herself from his forelegs and made her way to the shower, wrestling with the maelstrom of emotions inside her. It took the shock of the ice-cold water running through her coat to let her start putting her thoughts in order. The thing that seized her focus was one simple fact that, as much as she would have liked to, she simply couldn't deny:

Last night had been the best sex she'd ever had.

It wasn't because of his size (she would never doubt that old saying about stallions and big hooves again), but what he'd done with it.

Things had started off normally enough: she’d marked him with her scent, beat him in a tongue-battle during a passionate kiss, and then led him into bed to perform her signature move.

‘Ahhhh, if only I’d had a camera to take his picture.’

The blissed-out look on his face when she’d taken that monster to the hilt in one move was a sight to behold. She honestly thought he would bust then and there. But, in a surprising show of stallion endurance, he held on, even as she rode him in earnest. She could almost feel the ghost of the confidence she'd felt at bringing her gentle giant to the edge so quickly.

But then, something changed.

Before she knew it, he’d flipped her over and pinned her to the bed, keeping her there with his sheer size and positioning. And then... and then...

He’d TAKEN her.

There was no other way to describe it. For all the stallions she’d been with, not a single one had ever been so aggressive. All she’d been able to do was squirm and moan as he pounded her into the mattress without remorse.

He’d even turned their normal banter into dirty talk that cut right to her core. “Oh yeah, you LIKE this don’t you, Pike? Even with all your training, you can’t get back on top. Why? Cuz you’re just a little mare. And you LOVE that, don’t you?”

Even with the ice cold water running down her back, just remembering what he’d said was enough to put the heat back into her loins. And as she shuddered with barely contained arousal, she remembered the ultimate, sinful shame of her climax. At the end, it became a race: who could drive the other to orgasm first. She had hoped that if he at least came before she did, she could salvage her marely pride.

But... it was not to be.

The domination, the dirty talk, and the sheer, unrestrained indulgence in that part of herself she’d always kept hidden away was just too much. She couldn’t even remember if he came; the white hot pleasure of being fucked through her own orgasm was enough to blank her mind, and knocked her out cold for the rest of the night.

So there she stood in the morning after, fulfilled in a way she’d never been before, and burning with a deep, deep shame.

She was ashamed because he was right; she did love how small and weak he made her feel as he pounded her helpless form without remorse. Not once had another stallion ever bucked her like that, and if she was honest, she didn’t think she could ever go back. And to top it all off, the secret desires she'd buried ever since she was a filly had now forced themselves into the forefront of her mind, bringing with it a sense of... what she’d almost call release.

But also, a deep and pervasive feeling of shame. Pike could practically hear the voices of her family and her squadmates in her ear.

“What in Tartarus is wrong with you, filly!? Letting a COLT talk to you like that?!”

“Gee Pike, I thought you were a mare!”

“Look at little Pike! I always knew she loved being a MARELET!”

Placing her head in her hooves, she felt hot tears in her eyes. She hated how much she loved everything about last night, but it was the opposite of everything she was supposed to be! She was supposed to be big and strong, the pinnacle of femininity! Not some, some, weak little mare!

Just as the tears of shame started to fall, a single memory cut through all the voices, the shame, and self doubt. It was about a week ago, when Pike and Anon had just stumbled upon a flier advertising a cooking class.

“Oooh, we should sign up for this!”

To her surprise, Anon had suddenly leveled a devious glare at her. “Oh? We? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were interested in learning to cook, Pike.” Cursing herself for letting that slip, she immediately attempted to stammer out some sort of deflection. But Anon saw right through her, and was having none of it. “I don’t know, Pike. Sounded to me like you wanted to learn how to do a stallion’s job.”

Thinking back on it, the feeling of embarrassment then was strikingly similar to the shame she felt now. And both hurt just as much. Solemnly turning away from the flier and lowering her head, she’d simply mumbled out a quiet “forget it.”

Coming back to the present, she cursed her mind for bringing up such a horrible memory. The stress had her grinding her teeth as a thousand nightmare scenarios of rejection flashed through her mind. Just as her misery reached a crescendo, she was suddenly yanked back into the memory, just as Anon had suddenly yanked her around to face him a week ago.

She remembered how concerned he looked, genuinely aghast at how his words had clearly and unintentionally hurt her. “Pike what’s wrong? I was just kidding, I’d be happy to learn how to cook with you.”

She realized now how pathetic she must have looked, gazing up at him with such hurt and fear in her eyes. “Really? E-even if it’s so... unmarely?”

His immediate response was to pull her into what was probably the deepest hug he’d ever given her. “Of course. You know I don’t give a shit about that crap, Pike. If you want to learn how to cook, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Back then, when he’d said that, she could almost hear the disapproving voice of her family ringing in her ears, just like she could now. But he was her rock in that miniature maelstrom of fear and doubt, going against everything she’d ever been taught, and telling her not to be ashamed.

Just like he would be now, if he wasn’t fast asleep right outside this room.

Suddenly, one more memory surfaced in her mind. One of her and Anon sitting on the couch last night, after she’d just got done marking him with her scent.

“You’re all mine, stud! You’re going to smell like me for months! Every mare in Canterlot will know you’re mine, mine, mine!”

Chuckling lightly, he just picked her up and squeezed her against his barrel. “Awwww. I love you too Pike.”

Suddenly, she felt like a weight had been lifted. Standing back up and letting the water wash away the tears, Pike smiled.

There was no reason to be so upset; Anon was right.

So what if there was a part of her that liked being a little mare that Anon could dominate and cuddle?

So what if she wanted to learn to cook and other, colty things?

All her life, she’d known about that part of her, the part she’d always tried to stomp down.

But what if...

What if she didn’t?

What if she indulged it, just a little bit? Surely there’d be no harm in that. And she knew she could count on Anon being there for her when she did.

So this time, when that little voice in the back of her mind spoke up and said, “we should cook Anon breakfast! Ooooooh, there’s that really good banana pancake recipe in that cook book on our coffee table that he would love!" She smiled and let it speak, because it was right; he would love that.

Sometime later, the very drowsy but coming out of it Anonymous, was waking up from a VERY restful slumber.

‘Man, last night was wild.’

‘Who knew pony sex could be so good!’

Hopping out of bed, his nose was treated to the sweet smell of... pancakes?

Yep, those were pancakes. Seeing as Pike wasn’t still wrapped up in his not-arms, he figured she must have already gotten up and started breakfast. Nice!

Hopefully that meant she was alright. Admittedly, last night had been mostly obscured by a lusty haze, but he did know one thing: when the going got tough, some wires got crossed, and he’d gone absolutely ape on poor Pike. Coming out of that haze to find her passed out beneath him had been more than a little terrifying, but, at the time, he was way too tired to worry, and had promptly passed out, his subconscious opting to leave it for future, well-rested Anonymous to deal with.

‘Well, now that Anonymous is you, so you’d better get out there and ask her.’

He decided he should give her a good morning smooch for good measure.

So, with that fool-proof plan in mind, he trotted a little trot right to the kitchen. And, upon his arrival, immediately spied her hard at work. So hard at work, in fact, that it seemed she hadn't noticed his approach—which gave him a positively devilish idea...

‘Sweet Luna, how much longer is Anon going to be asleep for?’

At this point, Nocturnal Pike had more or less worked her way out of the emotional breakdown she was having earlier. Who knew cooking could be so cathartic! But that being said, she really was dying to see hi-

‘HEY!’

She suddenly found herself swept up from behind! Letting out an involuntary ‘Eep!’, she found herself pulled into a surprise embrace—followed by a good morning smooch right on her snoot!

“Mwah! Good morning, honey!”

The new pet name made Pike’s cheeks burn a little. “Oh, so we’re using pet names now?”

Looking down at her, Anon just smiled and gave her another peck on the cheek. “I figured, why not? I’ve always wanted to call someone ‘honey.’”

Hearing him call her that put a warm feeling in her chest that she couldn’t help but smile at. And just like that, pressed up against him, she could feel all of her anxieties fading away.

But, duty called.

“Well then, sweetie, can you do me a favor and put me down? I don’t want these to burn.”

Doing just that, he proceeded to move to her side to see what she had in the pan. “And just what are ‘these’?”

“Banana pancakes from that one cookbook you got us.”

His eyes lit up. “The one by Waffle Iron?”

“That’s the one.”

“Mmm, Pike, you spoil me beyond compare.”

With that, he left her side to set the table, putting out silverware, grabbing plates, and so forth. And as he did, she felt the need to at least say something about her earlier revelation.

She wasn’t going to go spilling her guts though; it wasn’t like she was a stallion or something.

“Hey Anon? Thanks for letting me sign up for that cooking class with you.”

As he plopped down in a seat at the table he replied. “Of course! I know you’re a little embarrassed by it, but I’m not judging! In fact, I’m looking forward to getting into something with my fillyfriend.”

She simply smiled back and said, “I’m looking forward to it too.”

Pike figured that was the end of it, but she heard the tell tale tapping of nervous hooves behind her. Just as she was about to ask what’s up, he spoke. ”Oh, and uh, Pike? About last night...”

Turning to actually look at Anon, she saw he was indeed shifting uncomfortably. “What is it?”

“I wasn’t too... rough, was I? I mean, I don’t know what came over me. And after you passed out I just got kinda terrified.... and uh, yeah.”

‘Awwww, he looks so cute like that! All nervous like a virgin.’

To think last night he was ravaging her like a beast.

“Anon. I...”

Loved every second of it.

“I really enjoyed myself. You don’t need to worry about me.”

His relief at her answer was practically palpable. “Really? Oh thank god. I just- yeah. I was admittedly more than a little worried about it.”

Pulling the now done pancakes off the stove and putting them on plates, she moved to join him at the table. Placing a stack before him, she returned his peck on the cheek. “Well, don’t.”

With an earnest smile, he began cutting into his grub. “Phew, that’s a load off my shoulders. I tell you what, it’d be terrible if my first time ended up being shitty for my fillyfriend. I don’t think I’d ever live that down.”

It was a damn good thing she’d already put down her pancakes, otherwise she would have certainly dropped them in shock.

“YOUR WHAT?”

Chapter 9

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Anonymous had just spilled the beans to his fillyfriend that she’d taken his virginity last night, and she was taking it a lot differently than he thought she would. Unfortunately, her reaction involved a lot more shouting than he ever would’ve expected.

"How can you be so casual about this!?"

Double-unfortunately, what he’d intended as a simple throwaway joke, albeit a truthful one, had clearly sent her reeling. “Pike, I really don’t see what the big deal is.”

And he really didn’t.

‘I mean, come on, my virginity? Mattering? What is this, some kind of wacky, reversed—’

‘Wait a second.’

‘Oh no.’

With dawning comprehension, Anon facehoofed. “I’m a fucking idiot.” Pike’s reaction had been fierce, but it was also, he had to admit, exactly what he should've expected.

“Anon, I swear to the stars above, if this is one of those ‘well, back home’ moments...”

He stopped himself from responding, desperately racking his brain for another explanation.

‘...’

‘I got nothin.’

“Well, you see Pike... uh, well... back home—”

“ANONYMOUS!”

“What?! It’s true! And I still don’t see why it matters. What, would you have ‘saved it for the sanctity of our marriage?’”

She raised her hooves defensively. “It’s not that! It’s just... a colt’s first time is supposed to be special! Romantic!”

‘Wha- I reject this insinuation!’

“Last night was plenty romantic!”

“Oh you know that’s not what I mean.”

“The sex was romantic too!” He’d certainly thought so, at least!

However, if Pike’s flat glare was anything to go by, she vehemently disagreed. “Anon, I opened foreplay by wrapping my legs around your head and shoving my cunt in your face to ‘show you what you’d smell like.’”

Which had taught him several new things about himself, by the way. “And it was so hot I was afraid my dick dislocated your nose when it shot up.”

As if to punctuate his statement, she reached up to rub her muzzle.

‘Mental note, in the future keep Pike away from the ‘strike zone’.’

“Th-that’s beside the point! When a colt loses their virginity it’s also supposed to be tender, a-and loving! Not... not...”

“Fucking like animals?”

“Exactly!”

‘Jesus, this really has the poor mare worked into a tizzy.’

Anon needed to nip this in the bud, and fast. So, hoping to do just that, he walked over to her side of the table and wrapped his hooves around her. “Come on Pike, I myself am telling you here and now, that last night was perfect. What are you so worried about?”

“But... its...” She attempted to look him in the eyes, before letting her head drop and letting out a soul wrenching sigh. “I just... I just feel like I robbed you of something special.”

‘Awwwwwwww, Piiiiiiiiiike.’

He could understand where she was coming from, he supposed. But, as it stood, she was really just bumming herself out over nothing. He’d meant what he said; he wasn't going to forget last night for a long, long time. There was no way he was going to stand for any more moping!

‘Time for my coup de grâce of cheer up maneuvers!’

Anon leaned down and gave Pike a big ole smooch, right on her snoot, before leaning over and hugging her, and speaking the most encouraging words he could think of. “Well, don’t. We both had a wonderful evening and an amazing time. And besides, I can’t think of a single pony I would have rather lost it to.”

He thought he spotted an errant tear leaving her eye as she snuggled into his chest. “...Thanks, Anon.”

‘Hell yeah, crisis averted!’

He smiled back, content to just bask in her embrace and enjoy the (now) tender moment.

But as he did, a feeling of cold dread shot up his spine.

He’d forgotten something important. Something that would prove to be a massive pain in the ass later.

‘But what could it be...?’

‘What is something people always need to do after a night of wild sex?’

‘I peed, showered, ate, what is it I could be for…’

‘OH NO!’

Jumping back and whipping his head in the direction of her room, he shrieked in sudden panic:

“THE SHEETS!”

After Anon’s revelation, the two of them rushed into Pike’s bedroom, hoping to mitigate the damage. But it was far, far too late.

Nocturnal Pike hadn’t noticed it when she’d woken up, but by then there was no escaping the smell of sex that had permeated the room like a physical wall of stench. The culprit, of course, being the absolutely ruined sheets. After a quick inspection, the two of them unanimously agreed they were a lost cause. So off to the dumpster they went! A process that would have been a bucking nightmare, if Anon hadn’t been willing to use his magic.

Talk about a lifesaver.

So on the way back up to the apartment, she’d said a little thank-you prayer that Anon was a janefilly, and therefore not afraid of ‘getting his magic all icky.’ That was a line she’d heard stallions use more times than she liked.

So with what could have been a daunting task easily dealt with, there the two of them were, relaxing in the living room while they waited for the bedroom to air out. Anon was sitting across from her, still apparently reeling from the sight (and smell) of his hoofiwork. “Goddamn, I can’t believe we did that to those poor sheets...”

Admittedly, a part of her couldn’t either. It was equal parts kinda hot, and kinda bucking nasty. But, she supposed, it did indeed confirm that old schoolyard adage. “Locker room talk or not, Anon, it’s true what they say: colts with fat nuts, bust fat nuts.”

Anon said nothing for a few moments, as ramifications of what she’d just said made their way through his skull.

And once they had…

”Pffffft hahahahahahaaaa, no way! Uh-uh, ponies do not say that!”

Putting on her best indignant face, Pike made sure her response was positively dripping with faux-outrage. “Of course it is! That knowledge has been passed from mother to daughter for generations! Besides...” She affixed him with a scathing gaze. “Are you of all ponies really going to deny its wisdom?”

He knew he couldn’t. As such, all he could do was chuckle and put his hooves up in submission. ”Considering how stiff those sheets were when I picked them up? No ma’am!”

‘Ugh, Luna, I wish he didn’t remind me about that.’ Just the memory of the sound they’d made as he folded them up was enough to make her gag. Mare, she was going to need to invest in some industrial strength cleaner if his output stayed that high, otherwise she’d be throwing away a lot of sheets.

“Blech, not the most romantic start to our Saturday together.”

At that, Anon simply shrugged. “Hey, it’s certainly better than the alternative of putting that off.”

Now that was something PIke couldn’t argue with. If they’d left those sheets in there any longer, the smell would have probably soaked into the Luna damned carpet. Not that she would’ve really minded, though. A primal part of her really liked that smell. Anon’s scent an extra heady dose of stallion musk? ‘Umf.’

But seeing as that was all over and done with, that left them with an entire rest of the weekend, with nothing planned! So with that in mind she kicked back, put her hooves behind her head, and said, “So, what do you want to do today?”

Getting a devilish look on his face, Anon just leaned back and mimicked her pose. “Uhhh, honey, isn’t that your job?”

Pike’s eyes snapped wide open at that. This time, the indignation in her voice was real. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean!?”

He simply smiled, feigning innocence. “Give me some credit! I may not have accustomed to all of your customs but I’ve caught on to a few of them! For example, it’s a mare’s job to figure out plans. All I, the stallion, need to do is be indecisive!”

She rolled her eyes, both at the statement and the pun. “Of course that’s what you pick up on, you plothole.”

He opened his mouth to undoubtedly share some more whimsy, but she silenced him with a pillow right to the snoot. “Hey!”

‘Ha ha! Knock out!’

But his exclamation did remind her of something. “Speaking of, that should be our first stop— getting you some hay.”

As he tossed away the pillow, she saw that his previously jovial expression had been replaced with concern. “What? Why?”

Smiling knowingly, she hopped off the chair and started making her way over to him. “I saw how you were shivering when we went down to the dumpster, colt.”

Now that she was close enough to touch him, she ran a hoof through his coat. And just like she thought, it was far too thin. “Your Winter coat clearly isn’t coming in thick enough, so we need to up your hay intake, stat.”

In a surprising show of anxiety, Anon recoiled from her touch, pointedly avoiding eye contact.

‘What the heck?’

‘Where is this coming from?’

”D-don’t worry about it. I just gotta buy an extra thick winter coat is all!”

She recoiled a little herself, surprise written clear on her face. “Are you sure? A jacket won’t help much when your coat is that thin.”

She was about to press further, when he seemingly shook himself out of whatever had him so jumpy and turned back to her. “Oh come on, a little cold never hurt anypony.”

At that, she could only shake her head and relent. What other answer could she have possibly expected from her janefilly?

Even if she was certain he was going to be freezing his flanks off.

And she sure as heck was making a mental note to keep an eye on him—both because of how thin his coat was, and how he reacted to her noticing. Maybe she ought to take an active role in making sure he gets his daily hay?

‘Hold on, wait a minute!’ He was the one who’s supposed to be making sure she was eating healthy, not the other way around!

‘Ugh. Janefillies.’

On the plus side though, at least now they had an activity to do: shopping! And now she’d finally be able to answer something once and for all:

Everypony knows stallions love shopping, but did Anon? Or, was he too much of a janefilly?

Time to find out!

Much later in the day, Anonymous found himself with a far deeper understanding of the pain women go through every time they shop; finding a coat took way longer than he liked. There weren’t even that many coats! But for no apparent reason, every single one felt like it was sized at goddamn random. What should have been, at most, a five minute stop, had instead dragged out into a forty-five minute ordeal. Which, of course, brought Pike no end of joy.

“Anon, it’s ok. All stallions love shopping. There’s no shame in admitting you do too.”

He didn’t even need to look down and to his left to see the shit eating grin on her face; he could hear it. “Pike, there was nothing I enjoyed about that. That was some straight bullshit.”

But at least he couldn’t argue with the results. The fuzzy dark green jacket he’d bought had him feelin’ as snug as a bug in a rug. Walking around outside—like they were right then—was actually bearable now! ...Though only for his front half.

‘If only it covered my back legs!’

A nice pair of socks could’ve done the trick, but he already knew how a stallion who wore socks in public was viewed. But, that did give him an idea...

“Say, while I loathe the idea of doing more shopping, I should ask you while we’re on the subject of clothes. Tell me, is there such a thing as nonsexual socks?”

Much like before, he didn’t even need to look down to see her expression. He could hear her trip over her own hooves.

“Wh-what!?”

“You know, like something to wear on my back le-”

‘Hold up.’

By the sound of things, that ‘trip’ had become a full on stop. And turning around let him see why. Pike’s entire face had turned bright red, and she was wearing the expression of someone who was desperately trying to keep themselves from doing something embarrassing. Quickly putting two and two together, he found that the shit eating grin was on his face now.

And boy did it feel good.

Already deciding his next move, he leaned down to the thestral’s level and whispered in her ear. “You like the idea of me in socks, don’t you, Pike?”

Which caused her to visibly jump, clearly having been startled out of whatever fantasy she’d been previously lost in.

“Ahhhh!”

Her eyes then darted around, looking like a kid whose parents just caught them in the cookie jar. “S-so what? There’s nothing wrong with a mare liking the idea of her coltfriend dressing up in l-long... striped... socks...”

Damn, she couldn’t even finish her thought before the fantasy reclaimed her. Well, she had insisted on paying for his coat; he figured he might as well pay her back. In his own, special way. With some quick telekinesis, he clapped his spectral hands in front of her face, once again jerking Pike back to reality. “I have got the perfect place for us to go next!”

He remembered it from shortly after he’d first arrived here, right before he’d given up on trying to wear clothes. Every clothing salesmare in town had pointed him there when he’d asked for a place to get socks (back when he thought socks were still just, you know, socks). And, looking around, he was pleased to discover he actually could find his way there from here, too!

‘Perfect!’

However... Once again, he felt the same kind of cold dread as from earlier creep down his spine.

This time, triggered at the thought of that store.

Like he’d forgotten something.

Something painfully embarrassing.

‘Oh well. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

After all, whatever it was, it would probably be nothing compared to what he could put Pike through once he’d acquired a repertoire of socks to wear!

So with that in mind, he set off—with a beet-red Pike in tow.

Chapter 10

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As Nocturnal Pike followed Anon through the market, and as the implications of their journey lingered in her mind, her blush refused to wipe itself off her face. After all, it didn’t take a master sleuth to figure out where he was headed:

A lingerie store.

A notion that had her both giddy and terrified in equal measures. Giddy, because she’d never had a stallion dress up for her, much less one as excited to do it as Anon. Terrified, because the one who’d be dressing up was Anon. She knew there was no way in Tartarus he’d just settle for breaking out the unmentionables on special occasions for lewd times. No, he was gonna put her through the wringer.

And she was going to love every second of it.

And since he was practically cantering to the place, he was clearly excited to do it, too.

“You’re really into this whole ‘wearing socks for me’ thing, huh?”

He turned to face her without slowing his stride. “How could I not be? I have before me the unique opportunity to drive you absolutely wild, and all I have to do is buy and wear a clothing item that, to me, is completely mundane! It’s perfect!” He turned back to face forward. “I’d be a fool to pass this up!”

It took everything she had not to scoff and roll her eyes. Of course his weird home culture would view socks as ‘mundane.’ First the virginity thing, now this? Sometimes, she really wondered what kind of horrible Tartarean culture Anon had come from. Before she could ruminate further however, their destination came into view.

Silken Evening’s Naughty Nightwear (and other assorted garments).

As she and Anon stepped into the shop, the green stallion hanging up his new coat on a convenient coat rack, Pike was, honestly, kind of blown away. Sure the outside didn’t look like much... but inside…

There were a lot of garments. Socks, costumes, even regular clothes!

‘Aw mare, Anon’s gonna be in here for hours!’

‘Speaking of…’

She looked over to him, expecting to see the face of a colt in a candy store. But instead she saw something that looked like... fear?

Anon glanced at Pike. “Honey, you ever get that feeling that you’ve forgotten something important, and that something is about to hit you right smack in the face?”

“Yeah, why?”

He desperately started turning his head in all directions, searching for whatever threat he felt was nearby. “Something’s coming.”

‘What the heck is with this colt?’

Intending to grill him on what was actually bothering him, she opened her mouth...

Only for the sound of an approaching pony to distract her. “Hey there! Welcome to Silken Evening’s Naughty Nightwear! What can I do... for...”

Pike recognized the mare the instant she came out from behind whatever display she was previously stocking. Her pale orange coat and her two tone pale red, pale blue mane were unmistakable. Sergeant Pike had seen pictures of that pegasus on at least a dozen reports of ‘disturbing the peace’ and ‘disorderly conduct.’ Something that, based on the look on the mare’s face, Pike may very well have been experiencing first hoof.

“YOU!? What the buck are YOU doing here!?”

Pike immediately assumed a fighting stance. After all, if she was reacting so negatively to having a guard in her store then she—wait a second...

Allowing the initial adrenaline to fade, Pike realized something. The pegasus wasn’t talking to her...

She was talking to Anonymous!

And the same said Unicorn’s only response was a strained, “ha haaaaaaaa, now I remember!” Followed by a 180 turn that was so quick that Pike couldn’t even see his legs move. “AlrightPikeLet’sGoSomewhereElse.”

Thankfully for the thestral however, her position behind him had provided her with a unique opportunity. As such, his attempt at a hasty retreat was immediately cut off by a bat wing barricade.

“Come on, let’s get out of heeere!” His strained visage stared into Pike’s own, begging her to relent.

She put on a sadistic grin. “And miss the chance to hear what this is about? I’d be a fool to pass this up.”

Anon could only whimper, realizing his plan to spend the day embarrassing her, would instead be used to embarrass him. Turning to the agent of said embarrassment, Pike saw that the pegasus had remained where she was, but Pike’s keen guard’s eye could see what Anon probably couldn’t. The mare’s stance was defensive, like she was expecting Pike to hit her at any moment.

“So uh, you must be Silken Evening?”

Silken's stance relaxed at Pike’s tone, but not completely. “Yeah; is he your coltfriend?”

Pike nodded.

“Okay... keep him under control then, or it’ll be your flank I kick to the curb.”

‘Woah, hold up!’

“Why me!?”

“I don’t fight colts.”

Interestingly, despite the pegasus’ response being aimed at Pike, Silken was looking at Anon when she said it. Suddenly the pieces started coming together. Silken’s stance from before—she wasn’t expecting a hit from Pike! She was expecting a hit from ANON!

“Luna's teats, you tried to fight this mare didn’t you Anonymous!”

After he winced and lowered his head in submission, Pike knew she was right on the money.

She expected him to start defending himself, but Silken was faster. “Oh, you didn’t tell her before coming here?”

Anon was, unsurprisingly, quick to respond to that. “Of course not! Why would I? It happened months before I even met her! Hell, it must have been over half a year ago! How do you even still remember that?”

Based on what Pike knew of Anon, whatever had happened, happened relatively soon after his move to Canterlot, and by extension, Equestria.

‘Hmmmm, another piece for the puzzle.’

”I don’t think I’ll ever forget the one colt who said he’d kick my flank and meant it. Tartarus, I’d have been impressed if it wasn’t over something so stupid.”

Suddenly, it all made sense. A flashback to what he said earlier provided the final piece: “All I have to do is buy and wear a clothing item that, to me, is completely mundane!”

So when Anon opened his mouth to respond, Pike halted him by putting a hoof on his shoulder. “Anon, tell me you didn’t.”

He looks down at her, genuinely confused. “Didn’t what?”

“Tell me you didn’t try to fight this mare because she told you socks were lingerie.”

Neither he nor Silken responded to that for a good few seconds.

Which basically told Pike all she needed to know.

“I-it wasn’t just that...”

For Silken Evening, owner and proprietor of Silken Evening’s Naughty Nightwear, things were, thankfully, going very differently than she’d expected.

“HAHAHAHAHAA! I CANNOT BUCKING BELIEVE YOU DID THAT, ANON! I-I, HAHAHAAAA, I CAN’T BREATHE!”

When Silken saw that green unicorn walk in with a mare, she thought it would devolve into a brawl. But instead, she was watching the mare roll around on the floor, laughing her flank off.

“Come on Pike! It’s not that funny!” And the colt, pouting. Silken had to admit, when he wasn’t screaming in her face, he looked pretty cute when he was upset. ‘Awwwww, and look at that! He just did some little stompsies!’

“Piiiiiiiiiiiike!”

“G-give me a moment Ano-hahaaaaaa...”

Although to be honest, Silken was on the colt’s side, here. She was there after all, and it certainly wasn’t funny then. But... there was no way in Tartarus she was going to stick her neck out for that guy. As far as she was concerned, the thestral could laugh it up as much as she wanted.

‘Jesus christ this is humiliating.’

“HAHAHAHA! OVER SOCKS! OVER SOCKS! AAAHAHAHAHAAAA!”

But to be perfectly honest, Anonymous realized that he did deserve this, at least a little bit. After all, now that he recalled the incident, he really was the one in the wrong. But, in the sake of fairness, what he’d done was less because he was mad at the shopkeep, and more because he’d hit rock bottom.

Which was probably why he had put the event so far out of his mind to begin with. It wasn’t exactly a time he wanted to remember.

All he’d wanted to do that day was put a little normalcy back in his life. He wanted a regular outfit to wear, so he could at least sort-of pretend that his entire life hadn’t been uprooted forever and that everything he’d ever known was gone.

But of course, he couldn’t even do that because, as he’d learned from the shopkeep, there was only one reason a stallion would wear socks in public. She wasn’t even particularly mean about it, just blunt. ‘You know there’s a reason socks are in the lingerie section, right?’

And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Jesus, just thinking back to it was starting to make him feel miserable.

But thankfully, that sadness was short lived, because honestly, right now? He had it pretty good.

Besides, Pike may be laughing now, but he would be the one laughing soon...

‘Oh yes I will…’

Speaking of Pike, it seemed that she’d finally laughed herself out. As she stood up from her place on the floor, she asked him the million dollar question, all the while still chasing away a few errant chuckles. “Heeheeee, oh Luna above Anon, what kind of day were you having when you did that?”

He couldn’t help but share the smile on her face.

‘Ahhhh, the living proof of how much better I’ve got it now.’

“A pretty fucking terrible one.”

The only thing that stopped Silken Evening from scoffing at that was the fact she’d rather not provoke a confrontation. Of course the stallion would have some kind of excuse for shouting at her over nothing.

He started walking up to her, no doubt to tell her off for not knowing he was having a bad day or some other manure. “Hey so, uh look. Last time I was here was a pretty rough time in my life. And you just caught me on a really bad day, and I sort of took it out on you. Which I know isn’t right, or fair, but that’s what happened, and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

Silken honestly couldn’t believe what she was hearing. A stallion, apologizing?

No manure? No passive-aggressive deflection?

Before the words were even able to register past the initial shock, he stuck out his hoof in a familiar gesture.

”We cool?”

She couldn’t believe it. He really was apologizing. He certainly seemed earnest, at least.

‘Might as well preen the bad feathers and let bygones be bygones.’

But, as Silken went to accept the hoof bump, something occurred to her. The mark on her flank wasn’t a needle sewing a sock on a stallion's leg for nothing; it meant she was both good at making them, and good at making stallions look good in them. And as she looked over at his fillyfriend, whose laughter came at Silken’s expense just as much as Anonymous’, she realized this might be the perfect opportunity to indulge in one of her favorite pastimes.

“We’re cool,” she said while stopping her hoof just short of the bump. “On one condition.”

And as that condition came to her lips, she couldn’t suppress an evil smile.

“I get to help.”

An evil smile that mister “Anon” had matched to a T.

“Deal.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Anon was loving every second of this. Who would've known that the lingerie salemare, of all people, would turn out to be a secret bro!?

“Oooh, that definitely got more of a reaction than the last one!”

“You sure, Silk?” Although, now that he was looking closer, Pike’s face had turned a shade darker than it was before. “On second thought, you’re definitely right. Got any more of those lacey mesh type ones? Ooooo maybe with little moons on ‘em?”

‘Oh that would be perfect.’

“Maybe, I’ll need to check in the back."

This was perfect! Not only would he get to rile Pike up even more, but as an added bonus, it would give him time to molest Pike, unmolested! He couldn’t hold back his grin. “See what you can find.”

Silken quickly left the sales floor for the back rooms, leaving the two of them alone. He couldn’t wait to see how he could push Pike even further. Putting on his best strut, he sauntered on over to his fillyfriend.

She only glanced at him for a second before she buried her head in her hooves and started shaking it in adorable distress. “An~oooon I don’t know how much more of this I can ta~haahaaake!”

He couldn’t keep the toothy smile off his face if he tried! This was delicious!

Circling her like a shark honing in for the kill, he remembered a certain fun fact from last night…

“Oh? Why’s that honey? Could it be there’s something else you’d like to be taking right now?”

To complete the tease, he leaned in and ran his tongue along the membrane of her wings, getting her to make the most wonderful sound.

“Eeeeeeeeeeee!”

‘Ahhhh, music to my ears!’

And speaking of ears, it sounded like Silken was coming back! Quickly running back to his previous position, Anon assumed the pose he’d held when she left. But she was a crafty one; as soon as she came into view, she only needed one look at Pike to know what he’d done.

”Mare, Anon, you’re one sadistic buck, you know that?”

He could only smile in response.

Chapter 11

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'Strut left, right, foreleg cross, inviting glance, quarter-turn and—'

With a loud WHUD, Pike fell face-first onto the floor.

"...Pike?"

When she didn’t respond, Anonymous shrieked as panic set in. "Pike!? Oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh fuck oh shit"

'This is bad. This is really REALLY bad.'

As Anonymous started frantically trotting in place, Silken Evening just un-flattened her ears and rolled her eyes. “Quit your fretting and quiet down colt, she’ll be fine.”

Anon was quite insistently NOT doing that, because Pike had just FUCKING COLLAPSED IN FRONT OF HIM! “What do we do? What do we do?! Do we need to get her to the hospital?? Oh God what if she hit her head when she fell? I don’t know anything about pony head trauma!”

‘Oh God, It’s all my fault.’

He recognized that he’d been pushing Pike toward something, but he didn’t think that something was unconsciousness!

‘I can’t believe I overdid it. What if her little heart gave out!? What if-’

“Hey, HEY! Snap out of it!”

‘Wha- oh!’

At that point, he realized that Silken was trying to get his attention. Turning to look at her, she’d taken on the hard stare of someone taking charge of the situation. “Listen, I need you to help me move her. Let’s get her onto the sales counter and I can check her over.”

‘Yeah, that... that makes sense.’

“On it.”

Without further ado, Anon lifted Pike up in his magic. Silken looked like she was going to protest something, but before she could get the words out, he’d already drifted Pike over and set her down. He thought he could hear Silken mutter, “Strong magic for a colt.” But he’d already tuned her out as he ran over to Pike’s side.

“Wake up wake up wake up!” He would’ve been shaking her if he wasn’t terrified of hurting her.

Silken approached shortly after, and made a show of checking Pike over. “Listen, this happens every once in a while. You were just too lewd for the poor mare to handle.” She reached behind the counter, pulled out a small candy, and immediately popped it in Pike’s mouth. “She’ll come out of it, you just got to give her a little time, and some sugar.”

‘Ok... Ok.’

She’d spoken with the finality of someone who knew what they were talking about, so Anon supposed he’d just have to defer to her judgement.

“So you’re saying this is a normal thing?”

Silken shrugged. “Not normal as in ‘it happens every day’, but every once in a while, yeah.” In a surprising change of pace, she positively beamed. “Always a bit of a treat when it happens though, it's the ultimate symbol of my mastery of the craft. She must look at you, what, thousands of times a day? But my clothes made you look so good that a simple catwalk strut knocked her right off her hooves—literally!”

Anon could feel his face scrunch at that. Sure, she wasn’t obviously wrong, per say… And if this really wasn’t a big deal, then he had to concede that it was fine. But it still kind of struck him as odd.

“Say, want me to ring you up while she’s out? Doubt you’ll be trying anything else on today.”

He waved his hoof to decline. “No, if there’s really nothing to do but wait, I might as well check out the non-sex things that caught my eye.” Like that little apron he spotted in the far corner. He and Pike were scheduled for a cooking class, after all!

Silken shrugged. “Suit yourself. Been a long time since anypony’s taken advantage of the ‘and assorted garments’ section; be my guest.”

‘W-where am I...?’

‘What’s... what’s going on....?’

‘I remember... I remember...’

‘SOCKS!’

Shooting up in place, Nocturnal Pike found herself lying on a sales counter.

No, not a sales counter, the sales counter!

“Oh, you’re up.”

Turning her head to the side, Pike spotted her, that shopkeeper. “Where’s...?”

The shopkeeper, (`Silken Evening,` she recalled) smirked. “Your coltfriend? After I convinced him you were alright, he went to look at my assorted garments.”

Well, that was good news, at least. Pike wasn’t sure if she could take any more socks right then. She sighed wearily. “I don’t suppose I got lucky and no customers came in while I was out?”

Silken shook her head. “Nah, I closed the shop as soon as your coltfriend agreed to let me help. Figured seeing your face would be worth the few lost sales.” At that, the proprietor looked down at Pike, giving her a smile that was borderline predatory. “It totally was.”

The thestral scooted back just a little bit, just to put some distance between them. That was certainly not the answer she was expecting, but she supposed she shouldn’t look a gift whorse in the balls. Knowing her luck with emaresculation, her entire squad would've walked in the door otherwise.

Speaking of emaresculation, Luna above how humiliating! She couldn’t believe she’d passed out like a horny schoolfilly! Oh what would Anon say?

Wait... Anon was there! What did Anon say!?

Trying to keep her embarrassment buried for the sake of her marely pride, and not entirely succeeding, Pike stammered a question. “How, ahem, how did Anon take it?”

Silken let out a tart chuckle at that. “Sweet Celestia, I thought he was going to have a panic attack!”

Pike blinked. “Really?”

“No manure. I’ve never heard a stallion scream louder than when you fell over! For a second I thought I was going to have to deal with two unconscious ponies!”

Pike chuckled to herself, unable to keep a smile off her face. Sure, she felt bad for making him worry, but it was nice to have somepony that cared about her like that.

“For being such a janefilly, you’ve sure got a fretter on your hooves.”

She couldn’t help but laugh again. After all, she was right; for a stallion who took so much pride in his unusual demeanor, he sure could fuss with the best of them.

Deciding that she’d done enough lying around, Pike propped herself up in an attempt to start the process of standing. Only for that process to immediately be halted with a hiss of pain. “Ah! No offense Silken, but isn’t there anything softer you could have laid me out on?” A sales counter wasn’t exactly meant for ponies to lie on after all.

Silken, meanwhile, just gestured to the back of the store. “Yeah, but if I left you to go get it, your colt would have probably dragged you off to the hospital.”

‘Oh Luna that would have been even worse.’

Giving the shopkeep a nod of understanding, Pike turned her attention away from her. If Anon was half as stressed as Silken had claimed, she’d better track him down.

Sitting there and staring at garments to distract himself was only kind-of working. No matter how hard Anon tried to focus on how great the two of them would look prancing about in matching aprons, his mind kept drifting back to Pike’s condition. Even though at this point he knew he really shouldn’t even be worried. After all, the clarity afforded by calming down reminded him of a passage from the very same book that had clued him in to ‘membrane moistening.’ A passage that claimed an aroused mare’s body uses their blood sugar to build up a magical charge that they convert into love magic upon mating. A healthy amount of foreplay would then up their fondness, and in high enough concentrations, even increase fertility!

But too much foreplay and, well…

There go the mare’s blood sugar levels.

‘I’m such an idiot! Why didn't I-’

“Hey Anon.”

Anon was definitely not startled, and he most certainly did not let out an unmanly shout as he whipped around to see:

“Pike! You’re ok!”

“Wha- of course I’m ok! What mare worth her weight in sugar can’t handle a little fainting every now and again?”

Normally, Anon would have commented on how that was the strangest thing he’d ever heard. But he was much too happy that Silken was right to focus on that. So instead, he just sheepishly smiled at his fillyfriend. “I’m glad you’re alright. I-I was pretty freaked out there.”

He rubbed the back of his head, and braced himself to get told off. After all, by his own admission, he’d been the one ‘putting her through the wringer.’ But instead of getting some what-for, all he got was a sad sigh.

“Sorry I passed out on you, and made you worry so much.”

‘Oh no, she’s not taking the fall for this one.’

“No Pike, I’m sorry I pushed you too hard. And don’t you dare say anything else cuz I’m apologizing to you, and that’s that!”

She seemed unconvinced, opening her mouth to argue further. “But I was the one-”

“Ah ah ah, I said that was that!” Turning away from her (and discreetly pulling two aprons off the shelf), he began trotting toward the sales counter.

“No Anon, I should have been able to-”

“I said that was that!”

”You two come back soon! And buy just as much next time you do!”

Anon chuckled and smiled back at Silken, waving goodbye as he stepped out of the store. Today had been a blast (minus the whole Pike blacking-out thing); maybe the three of them should go drinking sometime!

‘Wait... does that mean I made a friend?!’

‘Score!’

Pike spoke up behind him “Alright, no more shopping. We are heading home, and breaking in some of those socks!”

‘Already!?’

Turning his attention over and down to the mare, he immediately told her off. “Pike, no way! These things had you keeled over like, less than thirty minutes ago! We’re waiting at least a day.”

She was having none of that. ”Oh no, buck that! You don’t get to tease me all day and then not let me ride you like a freight train!”

Anon supposed he’d backed himself into a corner there. But to be frank, he was genuinely worried about her. “Okay, okay. But if you pass out again, I don’t care what anyone says, I’m taking you to the hospital. Deal?”

Continuing to keep pace with his trot, Pike’s face scrunched in thought. He’d expected her to answer right away, but she was apparently putting a lot of thought into this. “Hmmmmmm.”

“Oh come on, would it really be that big a deal if I took you to the hospital?”

He immediately received a surprised gasp in response, as if the very question was absurd. “A hospital visit for lewdness induced vertigo? I’d never live it down!”

‘Really? That seems rather extreme.’

Anon snorted. “Well those are my conditions! I’m not risking you getting a blood clot or something. I don’t care what anyone says, fainting multiple times in one day isn’t healthy!”

But it would seem his rant fell on deaf ears, as all that got out of Pike was a groan and an eye roll. “Come on Anon, I thought you were a janefilly!”

“Oh, just say yes, you big baby.”

That got her to stick out her tongue at him! That was new. ”Fine, fine. It’s not like I’m gonna faint again anyway. So let’s hurry it up and get home!”

Pike did, in fact, pass out again. But thankfully (for her), she woke up just as Anon was carrying her down the apartment building’s stairs, and was able, if only just, to talk him out of taking her to the hospital.

Chapter 12

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The rest of the weekend passed by in a whirl; just Pike and Anon, enjoying each other’s company. The thestral was constantly rubbing her scent all over the unicorn as he held her tight, squeezing her against him like the little mare she was. And of course, they made plenty of good use of those socks he’d bought.

But sadly, all good things must come to an end. Monday had come again, and it was time for the work week to begin.

Or, at least it would be once Pike’s alarm went off. Until then, she could safely rest in peac—

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH PIKE WAKE UP!”

Nocturnal Pike’s eyes shot open at Anon’s scream, just in time to watch as he reached his hooves around and started shaking her. “IT WAS NIGHTMARE MOON!”

Considering the rude awakening, it was amazing that Pike could even sort-of comprehend what he’d just said. Something about Princess Luna? But why would he be... Unless...

‘Oh sweet Her, did she visit his dream!?’ I’ve always wanted her to visit!’

“That’s great honey! What did—”

”OSWALD WAS A PATSY!”

‘...’

‘Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.’

Needless to say, that managed to wake Pike up the rest of the way, and got her to actually look at her coltfriend. His face was soaked in sweat, his breathing was heavy, and his eyes were frantically darting around.

“We’ve—we’ve got to...”

Seeing him like this, it was obvious what ailed him: a nightmare.

“...Got to... What was I saying?”

‘Aw, poor Anon.’ He seemed to have come out of it, but she wrapped him in a comforting hug, just in case. “Nothing, it was just a nightmare.” A very conveniently timed nightmare, if the clock next to the bed was any indication. “Come on, let’s get up.”

Contrary to the precedent set by the rude awakening, the rest of their morning routine went off without a hitch. Complete with the most important meal of the day: breakfast! Anonymous was sitting at the table and enjoying his fillyfriend’s company, when she suddenly looked up from her meal. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

Shoving a forkful of eggs into his mouth, he just rolled his eyes. “It’s fine, it was just a stupid dream. Can’t even remember it now, honestly.”

“You seemed pretty freaked out about it when you woke up...”

Casting his gaze back to Pike herself, he noticed she had an odd look on her face. If he’d been asked to describe it, he’d say it was something between concern and pity.

“Whatcha lookin' at me like that for?” He asked.

“Well, I’m just kind of worried is all. Are you sure you can handle this? Syncing up our schedules?” Anon quirked his brow, indicating for her to continue. “Diurnal ponies have a lot of trouble going even semi-nocturnal, stallions especially! Y-you know, since they have weaker constitutions than mares?”

She stopped at that, waiting to see how he’d respond. He chose not to, however, content to let the mare ruminate on what she'd just said.

About ten seconds later, nervousness won out over common sense. Desperate to salvage what she’d clearly assumed was a faux pas, Pike started talking again. “I-I’m not saying you’re weak or anything! J-just that, you know, y-your body might not be able to handle it! A-and having a nightmare might be a symptom of that! And—!”

At this point Anon couldn’t stop himself, and his laughter broke up her nervous rant. “Haha! Come on, Pike. That’s totally bullshit!”

And just like that, her worry was immediately replaced with ire. “WHAT!? No it’s not! It's a well documented medical fact that stallions—”

“No, I mean ‘You had a nightmare because you stayed up too late!’ That’s like, something a mom would say when she’s trying to get her ki- foal to go to bed!”

He’d heard enough of that ‘stallions are weaker’ stuff when he’d first shown up in Equestria; he didn't need to hear more.

Pike was just about fuming by then, with her face turning a cute shade of red. “No it's not! That’s a perfectly plausible idea!”

Hopping off his chair, Anon moved to put his plate in the dishwasher, as a good housemate should. “Yeah, yeah. Just be happy you have a coltfriend that can actually live with your weird schedule, and stop worrying.”

She let out an annoyed huff. “Fine. But if they name a condition after you; I’m praying for Luna to drop a star on your hospital bed.”

He chuckled, walking off to let her finish breakfast. As the stallion made his way into the main room, he couldn’t help but recognize that he was actually kind of lucky. Sure, a three AM to noon sleep schedule was pretty mild, considering how he’d lived in college. But nevertheless, he doubted he could have actually gone fully nocturnal, even for Pike. Which made him very thankful that he didn’t have to! Plus, with the flexible hours his boss afforded him, she didn’t even mind if he came in after one! In fact, she was happy if he came in at all!

‘Speaking of…’

Anon turned his gaze to his typewriter.

That was the one downside of living here: Pike’s apartment was, unfortunately, not very conducive to writing. He’d grown VERY used to having a large workstation over the past couple months, and the tiny coffee table that Pike had glued the legs back onto just wasn’t cutting it—not to mention that it was liable to fall apart at any moment, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. It just didn’t make sense to use that rickety surface when he had a desk waiting for him at the office, which quite literally had his name on it.

‘Huh, that was a strange thought.’ Just a few months ago, the idea of spending long periods of time in the office would have been unbearable to him. He couldn’t help but wonder what had changed. Maybe actually having a long term relationship with a mare had started to make the ponies seem less... alien? They were no longer just strange creatures out to harass him: now they just seemed more like, well, dudes.

Dudes who liked talking about his balls, but dudes nonetheless.

It would be interesting to put to the test just how much more comfortable Anon was around them, now. Would he be able to actually get work done in the office?

There was only one way to find out!

Eventually, their morning period came to an end, forcing the two to part ways and head off to their respective careers. Something that led Anonymous to another thing he had to be thankful for: how much closer Pike’s place was to the office than his old digs. Honestly, he didn’t know if he could have made it there from the old apartment; carrying his typewriter had him beat.

‘I thought magic was supposed to be easy mode, damn it!’

But a couple blocks of hoisting that bad boy had him feeling run down, overheated, and craving sweets something fierce. He’d had to take his coat off to avoid soaking it in sweat, and multi-tasking with telekinesis was a bitch. On the upside, his labors were almost over, as the office was in sight.

‘Hallelujah!’

And standing in front of said office was none other than his bespectacled, tan coated, and brown maned semi-decent acquaintance, Cut N. Paste!

“Hey, Cut!”

It seemed that he’d startled her just a little bit, because her head whipped around so fast it may have given her whiplash. “Ahh... Oh, h-hey Anon. I didn’t know you were coming in today!”

He smiled at her as he finished his approach. “Haha, that’s cuz I didn’t tell anybody!”

“Oh well I’m happy you...”

Inexplicably, she trailed off mid sentence as he got close and... started sniffing the air? As she did, he thought he saw her posture slump ever so slightly.

‘Ah, I’m probably just seeing things.’

It was only for a split second after all, before Cut saw something that clearly had her happier than she’d been when he first walked up. “Woah, hey, is that your typewriter?”

Turning to the side to look at said writer, Anon was suddenly reminded of just how much he REALLY wanted to put it down. “Ooof, yeah. Say, let’s continue this inside. I’m dying to get this bad boy off my hands er, hooves.”

Unexpectedly, this statement left Cut looking... offended? “I can’t believe nopony asked to carry that for you! Quick, put it on my back!”

Now it was his turn to look slightly offended. “What? Why?”

“Are you joking? No stallion should have to carry something like that!”

He opened his mouth with every intention of fighting her on that. He really did. But honestly? Fuck it. That thing was too heavy.

“Well, if you insist.”

Cut N. Paste had made a mistake.

‘How was that Anon carrying this all by himself!? It must weigh fifty pounds!’

Fifty pounds that her own out of shape flank was now hauling up the office stairs, huffing and puffing all the way. “So, does this, hooo, mean we’ll be seeing more of you, huff, in the office?"

Thankfully, he seemed uninterested in ribbing her, focusing on the question instead of those embarrassing huffs and puffs.

‘Come on Cut! You’re an Earth Pony, this should be easy! So what if somepony looking at you head on can see both your cutie marks, being out of shape is no excuse!!’

“Yeah, the long and short of it is, I moved in with my fillyfriend and there just isn’t a good place to set up shop in her apartment.”

‘Celestia damn it!’ Her worst fears were confirmed: that was a mare she could smell on him!

Internally, she kicked herself for being such a sperg. She couldn’t believe she’d waited so long that he’d actually gotten with another mare!

‘BUCK!’

But, Cut kept the frown off her face. Sure he was kind of weird, but the odds of him being a Cadenzian living in Canterlot were astronomically low. She just had to ask him to be his beta.

‘Come on Cut, you gotta do this.’

‘You CAN do this!’

‘Annnnnnd now!’

“T-that’s really good to h-hear Anon! I-I always enjoy having you around the office!”

‘...’

‘Buck.’

“Hey, thanks Cut. That actually means a lot coming from you.”

‘It does!?’

“It does!?”

He looked back at her (‘come on Cut, you can keep pace with a stallion!’) and gave her an easy smile. “Of course! You’re the only one here that doesn’t constantly make me uncomfortably aware of the fact that you know how big my balls are.”

She thanked the sun in the sky that he turned to face forward again before her face lit up like a Hearthswarming tree.

“And the upside is, now that I’ll be coming into the office, we can actually hang!”

‘Oh Celestia. Do. Not. Squee, Cut N. Paste!’

‘Grown mares do not squee!’

^{“Eeeeeee!”}

He quirked an ear. “Did you hear that?”

Cursing herself internally, Cut desperately reached for an explanation. “P-probably just one of the doors. Some of those hinges really need to be oiled, haha!”

Thankfully, and surprisingly, he seemed satisfied with her explanation, and just shrugged. And fortunately, they’d just reached the top of the stairs! And mare, not a moment too soon—that was more exercise than she’d gotten in months!

‘Maybe I should take Auntie Jargon up on that gym membership.’

Cut sighed in relief as Anon’s magic lifted the burden from her shoulders. He glanced back at her and smiled. “Thanks again, Cut. I don’t know how you managed to balance that thing on your back all the way up the stairs.”

‘Was he... flirting?’

‘No…’

Deciding to play it safe, she just stammered out a response. “Oh, i-it was nothing!”

He gave her a little nod in return. “Cool cool, I’m off to ask Jargon where the hell my desk actually is.”

The one and only J. Jargon Justification, Chief of the Canterlot Canterer, and possessor of a finely trained nose, was wrinkling her muzzle.

‘It smells like a new mare is in the office!’

‘Wait... no. It smells like…’

“Hey chief!”

“Anonymous! Why didn’t you tell me that you finally went and got yourself a fillyfriend?”

He looked taken aback, like he was surprised she knew. Ha! Stallions did love to play coy; no fillyfriend could mark a stallion so thoroughly without them realizing that every mare in a ten hoof radius would be able to smell her on him.

At least, Jargon hoped it was a fillyfriend. She’d hate to see a sweet colt like Anon turn into a slut.

”I, uhhhh, didn’t think it was relevant.”

Jargon was currently at record pace for making Anonymous uncomfortable. He’d sort of presumed all that stuff about scent marking was a joke, but clearly, it wasn’t. And now he had to deal with Jargon beaming at him like a proud parent.

“Of course it’s relevant! Look at you, why if I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re finally starting to find your place!”

He suspected the words she’d have rather used were “you’re finally starting to know your place,” but at least she was being sort-of nice about it. So, he responded the only way he could to a sort-of compliment.

“Uh, thanks... I think?”

“Think nothing of it!” Without missing a beat, she turned around and started rummaging through a drawer. “Now then, down to brass tacks. I don’t know why you came in, but I’m glad you did; as while you’ve had news for me, I have news for you!”

‘Oh no. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.’

As she found whatever she was looking for, she turned back to him. “A special assignment has come up, and I want you on it!”

Anon’s eyes widened in shock. “Wait, really!?”

She nodded enthusiastically and held out whatever she’d pulled out. It was a manila folder, with pictures of some really weird looking unicorns on it. “That piece you wrote on Upper Crust put you on a lot of pony’s periscopes, and I think it's time we took advantage of that!”

Oh wow; for once it seemed Anon’s feelings were wrong! ‘This is great!’

Pulling open the folder, more photographs spilled out, seemingly showing what looked like members of some sort of envoy. As he looked at the pictures, Jargon spoke up. “You’ve heard of the Kirin before, right?”

To be perfectly honest, he hadn’t. But he’d have to be completely retarded to admit that when the chief was finally giving him a real assignment. “Of course! Who hasn’t?”

“Good! And a lot of ponies haven’t, actually. So that just means I picked the right mar- er, stallion for the job!”

‘Gee, thanks chief. But, score one for dishonestly!’

“You see, our sources in the castle claim these photographs are of the Kirin envoy, currently on their way to Canterlot to meet with the princesses themselves.”

That actually sounded important. “And you want me to get an interview with ‘em?”

“Aha, that’s my colt! I forgot how fast you were on the uptake.” Turning her attention back to the photos, she pointed to the one with the particularly, seemingly abnormally tall Kirin in it. “I need you to get into the castle and find out why they’re here.”

‘Holy shit, this is a real assignment!’

He was genuinely excited, and the feeling bled into his voice. “So how do I get in? Do we have an inside source to smuggle me in? Do we know a secret back entrance? Oooh, do you guys have leverage over some guardsmare?!” He stopped listing ideas after that one, expecting Jargon to either confirm or deny at least one of them. Instead she just sat there and stared.

‘What is she...?’

“Pffffffffffffft hahahahaha! Oh, that’s rich Anon! Smuggle you in! HA! I’m going to have to remember that one!”

The look on his face must’ve betrayed the confusion he’d felt, because her laughter quickly cut out a moment later. “Oh wait, you’re serious. No we don’t have a way to get you in. That’s your job! But you’re a resourceful colt; you’ll figure it out.”

‘Well, nothing like getting thrown into the deep end. Jesus, I’d better get thinking.’

“That envoy gets here in three days. Try to figure it out beforehoof.”

Anon barely acknowledged what Jargon said; his mind was already racing.

‘Levitate myself through the window? Nah, I’m too heavy.’

‘Ask Pike to let me in? No, I don’t want to lean on her like that.’

‘Maybe I could-’

The sudden clopping of hooves in front of his face startled him out of his thoughts. “Hey, Equestria to Anonymous.”

“Huh?”

The Chief just smirked. “If you’re going to brainstorm, at least sit down at your desk first.”

‘Oh, right, my desk!’

“Say chief... where actually is my desk?”

It turned out it was in the far corner of the office, so far out of the way that the only neighbor he had was Cut. On the plus side, at least this implied that the chief somewhat took his feelings into account; there was a lot less opportunity for harassment when he was basically isolated. So, after placing the typewriter down and hanging up his coat, it was time to buckle down, take a seat, and get to work.

But, now that he was there, he found himself forced to confront one simple fact:

He didn’t know fuckin’ anything about Kirin.

And going into an interview knowing nothing about them was a terrible idea. What if he accidentally called them the Kirin equivalent of the N word? He wouldn’t even know until it was too late! So step one was to gather information about them; he’d worry about castle infiltration later. That book he’d bought on pony customs might be a good place to start, but, well, frankly he wasn’t sure how it’d be of use. He wasn’t trying to seduce them, after all. Which left him back at square one.

Where did reporters normally go when they needed information, anyway? Like, did they go to a library? That was his best, and so far only, guess, but where even was the library?

‘Ah, Cut would probably know.’

“Hey Cut?” he asked, leaning over the cubicle wall.

Cut’s reply was a simple “Mm hm?” as she continued to edit—

‘Hey, is that a picture of me?’

But, by the time he actually noticed and tried to get a good look, she’d already moved on to the next picture and covered it over.

‘Ah well, it's probably nothing.’

“Say, do you know where the nearest library is?”

Chapter 13

View Online

While Anon was busy trying to figure out what in the world a Kirin was, Nocturnal Pike was hard at work. Apparently a lot had happened over the weekend, because as soon as she got in, she found herself up to her neck in paperwork. Possibly literally; she wasn't willing to stack it all up and check. Instead she sat at her desk, and worked through the mess of documents.

‘Let’s see here, what’s next.’

‘Ooh, some missive from a higher up?’

‘What could it…’

Pike could only stare in bafflement. What in the name of all that lives under Luna’s sky did the rookie do this time!? This was the third straight month someone higher up had personally ordered her to mare the Blue Shift. ‘”From the Office of His Esteemed Prince” my sorry flank!’

They were lucky Pike was in such a good mood; this was her squad, dang it, and she did not like having others trample over her command. Nopony could run a unit effectively if middle managers were constantly meddling! She was going to have to talk to the rookie about this asap, because this obviously wasn’t happening for no reason. And the only way Pike would be able to weasel her out of it was if she knew what ‘it’ was.

Unless, of course, the ‘it’ was something from Blueblood himself, but what were the odds of that? Either way, there went the weekly duty roster Pike had assembled for the east wing. She rubbed a hoof on her forehead, wondering how she’d sort out this mess.

‘If I’m lucky, maybe Astral could—’

The loud crash of her office door flying open tore Pike out of her thoughts.

‘Oh hey, speak of Discord; it’s Astral.’

“Well hey there, Pike. You look like somepony who’s day just got worse.”

Figuring it’d be faster to show Astral rather than tell her, Sergeant Pike tossed her the missive, which the new arrival deftly snatched right out of the air. Taking it in her wing, she gave it a quick once over.

“Hmmm, I’m surprised.”

Pike was too, honestly, and she heaved a sigh. “I know. They can’t just—”

“I wasn’t talking about the note, Pike.”

Astral Blade knew one thing for certain: Pike hated it when other ponies messed with her squad.

“On any other day, this would have you stomping up to Blueblood’s office to ‘shove your hoof up their plots and out the other side.’” And she’d do it, too. Astral actually saw Pike do it once to the day guard sergeant before Sepulcher. It was horrifying, and something she hoped to never see again. “So, you must have had one damn good weekend.”

Astral knew she was right, and Pike evidently did too, if the smile and sigh she gave was any indication. “Yeah, I did. And those bitches are damn lucky for it.”

Astral matched her smile, immediately guessing what made her so happy. “Your coltfriend finally decide to put out, then?”

To her great surprise, that comment sent Pike straight from ‘annoyed’ to ‘bucking furious.’ “He did not ‘decide to put out!’ WE decided the time was right to take the next step!”

‘Oh sweet Luna.’

“In fact, I’ll have you know that before that, we had a wonderful romantic evening!”

Astral could barely believe what she was hearing.

“And you know what Astral, not every relationship needs to revolve arou—”

She couldn’t take any more of this. Before Pike could dig herself any deeper, Astral cut her off. “I never thought this day would come! You, Nocturnal Pike, the mareliest of mares… have been bridled!”

Astral spat it out like a dirty word, and Pike recoiled fittingly. “I am not bridled!”

Crossing the office in a heartbeat, Astral threw her hooves over Pike’s shoulders and desperately shook her. “Pike, LISTEN to yourself! I was kidding, but you were ready to duel for his honor like the days before Luna's return!” She leaned back, a haunted look on her face. “Face it sis, your reins are in his hooves.”

Pike looked away, either unwilling, or perhaps unable, to meet her eyes. “I-it’s not like that...”

Astral was not convinced. Sure, she didn’t have the full story, but that was anything but her own fault! Every time she’d bugged and pressed Pike to introduce her coltfriend, the mare just kept putting it off! So how was she supposed to know how to help—

‘Wait... this might be my chance!’

Astral realized that Pike had just unintentionally handed her the opportunity she'd been waiting for on a silver platter... A chance to finally force Pike to let her meet him! She barely suppressed a grin. “Oh yeah? Why don’t you introduce me, then? I can judge that myself.”

Pike knew Astral had her number, as her eyes widened in panic. “What? N-no. It's fine!”

No longer able to keep the devilish grin off her face, Astral went in for the kill. “Come on Pike, I’m your best friend aren’t I?” She brought her face so close to Pike’s, that the sergeant almost couldn’t not look her in the eye. “And you can’t keep your best friend from meeting the stallion that turned you from a one night stand addiction, to ‘waiting till the time was right.’”

In a last act of resistance, Pike's eyes flitted around the room. She was desperate to avoid Astral's gaze, heedless of the closeness of her snoot.

“I-it’s just... you’ll...”

‘Come on, Pike! Commit! Quit dodging this!’

As Astral’s excitement mounted, Pike finally stopped frantically looking around and settled her gaze on the floor.

It didn’t take a genius to see why it would be a bad idea for Astral to meet Anon, and Nocturnal Pike sighed heavily. “It's just... you’ll think he’s weird.”

That wasn’t some unfounded fear; Pike knew Astral would think he was weird. Tartarus, the fact of the matter was, he was weird. And while Pike was more than okay with that (that's why she loved him, after all), she definitely didn’t think Astral would be as understanding—neither of him, nor of how unmarely Pike acted around him. If she found out...

Pike really would be ruined.

As much as Pike would've loved for her coltfriend and best friend to be friends, she was all but certain it was just a pipe dream. Which was why Pike had been putting it off every time she’d asked. This time would be no different.

“Pike I remember how tall he is, and sure, that’s weird, but come on.”

Unable to help herself, a smile broke out on Pike’s face as she swatted Astral on the shoulder. Pike couldn’t tell if her besty was being sincere or just trying to lighten the mood, but she appreciated it either way. “Not that! It's... listen, I’ll introduce you soon. But, when you meet him, just keep an open mind, please?”

Astral gave Pike a look of genuine worry at that. “He’s not like a... stallionist, is he?”

“What? No no, Luna no. Just be patient, I’ll… I’ll put something together, I promise.” Finally willing herself to truly meet her friend's gaze, Pike could tell that Astral didn’t buy it. But she could also tell if that couldn’t get her to commit, continuing to push wouldn’t either.

“Alright alright, I promise I’ll keep an ‘open mind’. But you better introduce me!”

Relieved at the successful delay, Pike nodded her head. “Of course, now if you’ll excuse me,” she said, as she turned back to the Pike-sized mountain of paperwork. “I need to get these done before we start drills for the evening.”

In response, Astral simply gave an affirmative “Yes ma’am,” and turned to leave.

But as she did, Pike was reminded of the thing she wanted to speak with Astral about earlier, after being struck with the problem in the first place. “Actually, wait! Before you go, you think you can cover the east wing next month?”

Much later in the day, Astral Blade was getting ready for her shift's start. It wasn’t quite yet time for guard duty, but it was late enough for drills to be running.

Which she would not be taking part in. Pike had taken out some infantrymare privates from the day and night guard to run some laps, while Astral and some of the other NCOs were left to ‘coordinate between the units.’ Which basically meant she spent the time goofing off while Night Sky did all the work. All Astral was doing was ‘mirin' the legs on that new colt they’d put on the day squad. She had a perfect view of his legs as he ran around the track.

‘Mmmm mmmm! Maybe Celestia had the right idea letting colts in the guard after all…’

“Hey.”

‘YOWZA!’ Only by the grace of all of Astral’s years of training was she able to keep herself from yelling that out loud. Whipping her head around, she spied the culprit of her startling.

Cloak N. Dagger, professional night-stalker.

‘Mare that bitch is creepy.’

“Oh uh, hey Cloak.”

Moving up beside her without making a sound, Cloak also looked out at the track. And Luna’s teets, Cloak was right next to her. ‘Does this mare have no concept of personal space!?’

The personal space invader looked around for a little bit, before she eventually spotted her target: Nocturnal Pike, who was busy chewing out some poor day guardsmare. After Cloak stared at Pike for a touch longer than Astral felt was proper, she posed a question.

“Sarge seem like she’s getting softer to you?”

Keeping an eye on Cloak, Astral considered the question carefully. If she was being honest, Pike had seemed like she’d been mellowing out somewhat. But Pike almost certainly wouldn’t appreciate Astral saying that, much less to other guardsmares behind her back. Instead, she played dumb.

“What do you mean?”

Swiveling her head like an owl, Cloak proceeded to make very uncomfortable eye contact with Astral. “Oh come on, you had to have heard about Mulberry, right?”

Of course she had. Who hadn’t? Her stallion had recently ended their year-long relationship, seemingly on a whim. “Yeah, but I don’t see what that has to do with Pike.”

Cloak, defying all logic, somehow found a way to lean in even closer, as if the two of them were privy to some kind of mutual secret. “Well, she hasn’t been in for a few evenings now, right? That’s because four shifts ago, Sarge caught her crying in the shower.”

‘Oh Luna above, that poor mare. Crying over a stallion? Pike must have—’

“And Sarge gave her two weeks off!”

Astral’s train of thought vanished into the ether.

Her stunned surprise must have shown on her face, because Cloak leaned back (to a distance most normal ponies would’ve been at to begin with) and smiled smugly.

Astral supposed she couldn’t begrudge Cloak for it; her jaw had just hit the floor. It was no secret that in the past, Pike could be a real flankhole about anything remotely ‘colty.’ If that'd happened a few months ago, all Mulberry would have gotten out of Pike were extra laps and a lecture on ‘relationships and other things that only stallions cry about.’ For Pike to give her time off instead seemed inconceivable.

Astral had tried to get her to lay off on stuff like that before, but she’d always been unsuccessful. Now that her coltfriend was in the picture though… Bridled or not, perhaps Pike was far better off with him than without.

Seemingly sensing what she’d been thinking through, Cloak chose then to interject. “Not that I’m complaining mind you. Sure we probably won’t be running as efficiently as we were before, but a chiller Sarge means less work for us.”

Astral smirked. “Heh, can’t argue with that.”

Although at that point, any excitement Astral would’ve normally felt about doing less work had been replaced with an all consuming curiosity and desire.

A desire to meet Pike’s coltfriend.

“Speaking of work,” Cloak continued, once again leaning in way too much. “I heard you met with Sarge earlier. She say anything to you about those VIPs coming in?”

‘Ugh.’ Astral couldn’t keep herself from rolling her eyes. Is that really all that Cloak was leading up to? Her technique was practically night-stalker interrogation 101! ’Use information you have to throw them off balance, and then get the information you want out of them.’ Luna above, it was literally printed on the first page of their damn operations manual. Which Astral HAD read, thank you very much; sometimes she did go above and beyond.

The joke's on Cloak though, because Astral didn’t have any information! “You mean the Kirin? Nothing that we didn’t already know. Keep reporters off ‘em, make sure they don’t get so mad they burn down the castle, et cetera et cetera.”

Cloak frowned, clearly upset that her gambit failed. Astral didn’t understand why she didn’t just straight up ask that to begin with. Furthermore, why did she even care? Turning her attention back to the night-stalker, she noticed that ‘frown’ had become a gross understatement. Cloak’s face had twisted into a massive scowl. “Am I the only one who wants to know why they’re coming here? Are we really supposed to accept that they just decided to drop in for a ‘diplomatic summit’ after nopony’s heard from them in years? What do they want!?”

‘Ahhhh, now I understand.’

Night-stalkers like Cloak were all about information and recon, and not having all the details was really bugging her. She may not have raised her voice, but after about a year of working with her, Astral knew Cloak N. Dagger well enough to say one thing: she was bucking STEAMED about this.

‘Hahahahaha! Sucks to suck!’

Astral suppressed a grin. “If no one wanted to know, there wouldn’t be so many reporters showing up, would there?”

Clearly realizing Astral really didn’t have anything for her, Cloak looked down, defeated. Tribal politics were neither Astral’s forte nor her area of interest, and Cloak knew it.

The night-stalker snorted. “I suppose.”

They lapsed into a brief silence after that, and Astral was more than happy to get back to watching that shapely stallion go round and round. Eventually, Cloak started tracking her eyes to see what she was watching, leading her to the stallion as well. Which, seemingly, reminded her of something.

“Say...speaking of reporters, I heard there’s going to be a stallion reporter there when the Kirin arrive.”

‘Oh?’ Now that was something that grabbed Astral’s attention.

“No manure?”

Cloak continued watching the stallion on the track, leaning into Astral’s personal bubble for a third time. ‘Argh, again with the leaning in thing!? What is it with this gal!?’

“Nope. My aunt Jargon runs the Canterer. Seems like she wants to see if the stallion is really up to par with the mares. So him, and his F-cup balls will be paying us a visit.”

Discomfort quickly forgotten, Astral’s eyes widened at that. “F cup... woah... Wait, how do you know how big his balls are?”

The same smug smile Cloak had held earlier returned to her face. “When he first started working there, my sister, Cut, bought him a ball bra. I found the receipt in her trash.”

‘Well I guess that makes…’

‘Wait, hold on, what the buck?!’

‘IN HER TRASH?’

No amount of training could keep the horrified look off of Astral's face after hearing that. What the buck kind of crazy mare goes rooting around in her sister’s trash!? Luna’s teets, being a weird-flank must be a night-stalker thing.

Cloak, however, continued on, oblivious to Astral’s disgust. “I can’t wait to get an eyeful of this Anonymous myself.”

Luna above, Astral felt bad for that poor-

‘Wait a second.’

‘A stallion reporter, that works at the Canterlot Canterer, named Anonymous...!’

‘Pike’s coltfriend is coming to the castle!’

An evil smile spread on her face. If Pike wanted to keep putting off introducing Anon to her, Astral supposed she’d just have to take matters into her own hooves.

‘Oooooh this is perfect!’

Pike owed her for agreeing to take that east wing shift at the last minute, so Astral would have no trouble convincing Pike to set her up wherever she wanted; all she had to do was get herself posted in the place with the best chance of running into him!

‘Now then, if I was a reporter trying to get an interview with some VIPs, where would I break in…’

Chapter 14

View Online

As Cloak N. Dagger marched down the halls of Canterlot Castle’s visiting-dignitaries wing, it took all of her concentration to keep that march from turning into a stomp.

‘This sucks.’

Every Wednesday at noon, her Aunt Jargon would meet with her herd-sister, Tender Care, for coffee at Burny Pott’s Every Flavor Beans on the corner of Eighth Street and Horseshoe. A meeting that Cloak liked to listen in on, more often than not. It was important to keep up with one’s extended family after all! But stars forbid she try to talk to them. They’d probably take the opportunity to try to ask about HER, and that was just the worst. So eavesdropping was the obvious choice, really. And filly, had those eavesdropping sessions ever been juicy recently!

Tender, more often than not, insisted on having Jargon update her on “Anonymous,” and how his integration into pony society was going. Apparently he was the victim of some sort of tragedy in a foreign country? They maddeningly hadn’t expanded on that, at least not when Cloak had been listening. Further infuriatingly, Jargon didn’t usually have much to report; he seemed like an incorrigible janefilly.

‘Mental note: perhaps whimsy is stored in the balls after all; investigate if ball size does share a positive correlation with janefilly tendencies.’

However, last week was different. Social maladjust or not, Jargon’s faith in his reporting had been steadily growing—to the point where she actually hoofed him a pretty serious assignment: find a way to interview the incoming Kirin dignitaries. Jargon, unfortunately, hardly went into any detail with Tender, but she’d said enough that Cloak knew that Anonymous would at least be coming to the castle.

And she was ready for some bucking eye candy!

Sure, F-cup balls weren’t that uncommon in Equestria as a whole, but she lived in Canterlot. Those confounded nobles and their obsession with slim builds and trim lines had left this town’s studs with a distinctive “taut is hot” look.

She was sick of it.

And Cloak was only going to get more sick of it, because the Sarge didn’t approve her request to be transferred to front gate duty! She couldn’t believe her CO had stuck her a screech’s length from the Kirin’s door; there was no way she’d see this Anonymous all the way in here! He was obviously going to be at the front gate with every other reporter trying to hound the Kirin as they arrived.

Where else would he be? Inside the castle?

Ridiculous.

Which meant her chances of catching sight of him were nonexistent.

‘Buck.’

She’d just have to go back to occasionally staking out her sister’s workplace and hope that he actually showed up.

...And that Aunt Jargon wasn’t exaggerating about his hatred of ball bras...

The promised day had come: the Kirin delegation was arriving today, and Anonymous was ready to meet them! He’d spent the last three days learning everything he could about Kirin (‘Do NOT say Nirik with a hard r‘) and planning his infiltration of the castle. It was time to put that plan into action!

Sure, any schmuck could try their luck with the main entrance, but through some clever, and dare he say it, ingenious (if maybe-less-than-legal) investigation, Anon had found himself a perfect little side door to slide right in. And that’s where he was now, crouched in a bush and eyeballing it.

There were only two guards, one day and one night; he just needed a way to distract ‘em. Which, thanks to a chance meeting with one of his sources, had already been arranged. All it had taken was a kiss on her cheek, and the next words out of her mouth were, “How can I help m’lord?”

Well technically before that she’d said, “Ha! Take that mom! I’m NOT a kissless virgin!” but Anon was in no place to judge.

From there the two of them worked out a simple plan: she’d run distraction, and he’d run inside while she did. Easy!

Speaking of the plan, now that he was in position, she should be starting riiiight aboooooout—

CRASH

‘Now!’

Glancing towards the source of the noise, he spotted the bush the two of them had picked out as ‘the most ideal place for a distraction.’

In fact, as he focused a bit on the bush she’d just dove into, he could've sworn he saw a peach colored trail leading right into her collision point with said shrubbery. ‘Jeez, how fast was she going?’ He hoped she didn’t actually hurt herself.

But, whether she did or not, her struggles started right on schedule. “HELP!”

Turning toward the guards, Anon prayed they’d take the bait and waited for his chance.

“PLEASE, HELP!” The first shout seemingly wasn’t enough to break their concentration, but the second one…

The two of them only shared a quick look, but it was enough to let him know he had them.

Shaking her head in disbelief, the night guard broke their silence. “Was that, Bombshell?”

‘Bombshell? But she told me her name was Seashell?’

‘Has she really been caught snooping enough times that they’ve got a nickname for her?’

That actually kinda made him feel bad.

“Celestia above, she better not have been snooping again,” the day mare replied.

The night guard just shrugged. “Eh, the klutz probably just wasn’t watching where she was flying.” Seemingly done discussing the matter, she stepped over and started trying to pull Seashell out of the bush.

‘Damn!’ The day guard was staying put! Fortunately, the two of them had planned for this. Having seen that only the night guard was helping her, Seashell started thrashing even harder. “HELP HELP HEEEEELP!”

Which, of course, made it far harder for the poor guardsmare to get her out. “Luna’s sakes, I’m trying to! Calm down!” After a few more moments of this, the night guard finally turned to her companion. “Could you help me out with this?”

Which prompted the day guard to heave a sigh, before finally leaving her post to ‘help’ poor Seashell.

‘YES!’

Without wasting another minute, Anon ducked out of the bush and ran to the door. By the time they’d dragged poor Seashell out of the bush, he’d long since slipped away into the castle’s interior.

From there, infiltrating the castle was a relatively simple matter. After all, back when he’d first arrived, the princesses stuck him in one of the very ambassador suites he was looking for. And left him with ample time to wander the—thankfully visitor friendly—castle grounds! So now all he had to do was retrace his prior steps!

...From over a year ago.

But that was okay! If he failed here, all he needed to do was follow the guards. It stood to reason that the closer he got to where they’d be staying, the heavier the patrols would be. So between those two pieces of information, finding his destination shouldn’t be the hard part. The hard part would be not getting caught.

...Which, so far, wasn’t actually proving to be the hard part.

Either the entire castle interior was being held together with scotch tape, or all that working out he’d done when he was still human was starting to go to his head; with nothing more than a slight telekinetic push, followed by a loud crash, another suit of armor went down. Peeking out from behind the pillar he was currently crouching behind, Anon spied the pair of guards he’d just scared the helmets off of.

“BUCK! What the Tartarus, did you touch that suit, private?”

The other, obviously still startled mare stuttered. “Wha- no!”

“Well, help me set it back up before somepony sees!”

‘Hehehe, works every time.’

He was in the home stretch, now. The L shaped hallway was lined with suites meant for diplomats, and he’d been going room to room trying to figure out which one the Kirin will be staying in. He’d narrowed it down to the last few, but after ducking in and out of the latest wrong room, a pair of guards rounded the corner. Meaning he was stuck in there until they passed by. Forcing him back into the room until they passed by. Thankfully, considering the state of the furniture, nopony had dared set hoof in here since the Yaks last paid a visit. And wouldn’t you know it, by the sound of their horseshoes on the castle floor, the guards had gotten close enough for eavesdropping!

Sticking his ear against the door, Anon listened in.

“I can’t believe Sarge put me so far in! I’ll never get a look at that stallion reporter in here!”

The other guard just chuckled. “Your aunt’s taking you for a ride, Cloak. A stallion? As a reporter? No way.”

That put a devilish smile on his face.

‘If only they knew…’

Unfortunately after that, all they talked about was the kind of stuff that he would’ve put in an actual gossip column, leaving him to be terribly bored until they moved on. Thankfully, he wasn’t bored for long, as he could already hear their voices and horseshoes fading down the corridor. Peeking out the door, he caught a glimpse of their retreating backs as they turned the corner into one of the minor hallways leading out of the diplomatic suites—meaning it was time for him to skedaddle!

Moving back into the corridor itself, he started making his way towards the bend in the main hall’s L shape. Beyond that bend there should only be two more suites, and either one of them would be the Kirin’s lodgings… Or he was in the complete wrong place, and probably fucked.

And as he peeked around the bend, he couldn’t help but worry that it was probably the latter. Neither of the rooms in the overly lengthy corridor had guards in front of them. In fact, it seemed that this section of hallway had no guards at all!

‘ShitShitShitShit’

He stopped himself from turning around and heading back, though. It was better to check them and confirm they weren’t the ones, than to leave and potentially miss the room he’d been looking for. So moving as quietly as possible, and walking on the very tips of his tippy... hooves, he made his way down the hallway.

Even as he kept his ears on a swivel, he couldn’t seem to find any sign of guards.

‘Alright, first room.’

Slowly pulling open the door, he glanced inside.

The walls were covered in framed images of Kirin iconography! Things like fire, portraits of notable Kirin from history… Jackpot! He had the right room!

Anon couldn’t help but smile, remembering how Celestia did this for all visiting ambassadors. It was something to show them that she cared about their history and culture. She’d even tried to do it for him when he was staying there. Although when he’d told her he was from ‘Earth’ she’d proceeded to cover the walls in pictures of dirt.

Hey, it's the thought that counts.

This was without a doubt the place he’d been seeking. It was kind of weird that there were no guards stationed in front of it, but far be it from him to complain about not having enough work.

‘Now let’s see, where should I wait…’

As he looked around the room, he spotted a chair that looked like it could spin. ‘Maybe I could—’

He was startled as something hit him right on the back, pushing him right out of his thoughts and compelling a very strange and instinctive urge to whinny, which he only barely managed to suppress. He did manage to keep it down though, and instead put that energy towards pivoting about to where he thought the projectile came from.

...Only to see an empty room.

‘Oh hey! That little red ball wasn’t there before!’

‘But where did it come from?’

“Pretty impressive I couldn’t get a whinny out of you.”

The sudden voice from behind startled Anon far more than the ball did. So he did the only thing any red blooded American would: Scream at the top of his lungs and throw the ball as hard as he could!

A few seconds earlier...

Astral Blade was taking a bit of a gamble opting to get stationed at the room that he was trying to reach. But, she figured if he was half as good as Pike seemed to believe, he’d show up.

And show up he did; the second she saw that oversized green stallion walk in the room, she knew it was Anonymous.

She also knew her gameplan: the old ‘bounce a ball off their back while secretly being in front of them, and then appear to appear out of thin air’ routine.

Which was proceeding perfectly.

Honestly, she was kind of impressed; that ball nailed him right in the withers. She’d never seen a stallion get slapped in the withers and have the wherewithal to keep quiet before. Emerging from her hiding spot—which was currently behind him, as he’d turned to face where she’d bounced the ball off the wall to hit him—and wearing a cheeky smile on her face, Astral called out to him.

”Pretty impressive I couldn’t get a whinny out of you.”

Much to her surprise, the elicited response was not, in fact, a stern ‘where do you get off slapping a stallion’s back,’ but a startled shriek, and her own ball coming back at her far faster than she ever would have expected a stallion to manage. Thankfully, her lightning fast reflexes let her duck under the ball, leaving it to sail right over her head.

“Woah, easy—”

Astral was interrupted by a sudden smashing sound.

‘...Oh no.’

Whipping herself around much like Anonymous had done just moments ago, she spied the window she was standing a few hooves in front of. Which was sporting a brand new, and very ball shaped hole.

“Fuck.”

Astral would have said buck, but the sentiment was the same.

Chapter 15

View Online

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW ANY REPAIR SPELLS!?”

Anonymous the unicorn found himself in a very tense situation. “I don’t know that much magic, okay!? I’m a beginner!”

“A beginner who just blew a hole in thick-as-buck glass with a Luna damned rubber ball!”

The unicorn and guardsmare were currently scrambling about the Kirin's suite, trying to find a way to cover up the window she’d spooked him into smashing. Sure they could’ve just left it as is—if it were the middle of summer. But right now, the temperature outside was in the negatives, and the weather team had a veritable snow storm brewing. There was absolutely no way ponies weren’t going to notice if they’d just left it.

Which left them with a major problem; neither of them had any idea what to do.

Anon spoke up as he scanned the room. “If you have, like, a spellbook or something I could certainly read it and try.”

Unfortunately, Astral didn't seem to have anything to say.

Honestly, he wasn’t even sure if she’d heard him; she was entirely preoccupied with scanning the room. After a few more moments though, something seemed to click, and she finally got back to him. “Alright... Alright, here’s what we’ll do. You help me pull this manure off the walls, and we’ll set it all up in the room across the hall. That way, when they get here, I’ll just direct them to that room like nothing happened. It should work, since my duty station is right outside the door anyway.”

It seemed like an alright idea, sure. But a glance at a clock filled him with anxiety. “Are you sure there’ll be enough time? If my information is right, they’ll be here pretty soon.”

He was hit with the deadpan glare to end all deadpan glares in response. “You got a better idea?”

Admittedly, he didn’t.

Meanwhile, outside of the castle, Sergeants Nocturnal Pike and Sepulcher were the mares who would be escorting the Kirin to their suite, as was fitting for their rank. A task which would’ve been a lot more interesting if the Kirin would stop taking their sweet time and just show up already! As things stood, the two sergeants were just standing around. This only served to augment Pike’s frustration at having to deal with them at all. The thestral couldn’t help but sigh. “Luna above, what is taking them so long? Can’t they hurry up and get here already?”

Sepulcher gave her a sidelong glance, refusing to break her forward posture. “What’s the matter Nocturnal? Eager to be done with our esteemed guests before they even arrive?”

Pike rolled her eyes. Sepulcher was always a little formal for her tastes. “A little bit, yeah”

Sepulcher’s impassive gaze returned forward; she was, as always, the picture of guard stoicism. “I suppose I can relate to your position. Were I not comfortably herded, I’d likely feel similarly.”

‘Hold on, was that a dig?’

‘From Sepulcher of all ponies?’

Pike took on an air of indignation. “What’s that supposed to mean!?”

Sepulcher didn’t even flinch. “You’ve seen the pictures as well as I, Nocturnal. And you’ve undoubtedly come to the same conclusion...”

As she spoke, Pike could see the photo in her mind, and it put a frown on her face. She’d never seen a taller mare before, besides the Alicorns. And her floof… The lucky bitch probably had teats as flat as a board, too!

“...that for at least the next several months, every mare in Canterlot will be measured against Rain Shine, and fall short.” For a split second her mask cracked, and a small smile slipped through. “And while I have little to worry about, you on the other hoof....” She didn’t even look at Pike. Rather, Sepulcher looked above her. Where Pike’s eyes would’ve been if she were normally sized. “...Will undoubtedly find your stallion prospects... hampered.”

Nocturnal Pike put up a valiant effort, but she could not keep herself from putting on a peeved scowl.

‘The audacity of this mare!’

Deep down, she knew that Sepulcher probably didn’t mean anything by it. She was just a little too blunt for her own good. That was deep down though; on the surface, Pike was mad as all Tartarus! “Buck you, Sepulcher. I’ll have you know, I’ve got a steady stallion too. So my “prospects” are just fine.”

That comment (very satisfyingly) shattered Sepulcher's stoic look, replacing it with one of shock and confusion. “Oh, I... didn’t know. What are you worried about then?”

Pike opened her mouth to let her have it, but… she was actually right. Pike wasn’t sure what she was worried about. It wasn’t like Anon would leave her for Rain Shine or something like that! Besides, he wasn’t even going to meet her! So it was totally impossible they’d meet and fall in love! She was just getting herself all worked up over nothing.

Meanwhile, in the Kirin envoy’s designated bedroom...

Astral Blade thanked the stars above that Pike apparently wasn’t into airheads; otherwise, lifting the comically over decorated dresser would’ve been way more of a hassle. “Alright this is the last one. You lift that end, and I’ll lift this end. One, two, three!” She was also glad that Pike apparently had a barbarian fetish. Although, was he really a barbarian if his strength was mostly magical? Some questions, science just couldn’t answer.

“Jesus, where did Celestia even get all this crap?”

Astral grunted as she struggled to lift her end of the dresser. “I, oof, heard this stuff’s all been in storage since the last time the Kirin visited.”

“Christ, she just had this lying around? Hate to say it, but I think yo- our god-princess has a little bit of a hoarding problem.”

Astral was feeling rather peeved at that. Where did he get off, saying ‘our princess?’ She didn’t have this stuff in... oh, wait! Pike did say he was a foreigner. “I’ll have you know that my princess made do with nothing but moon rocks for a thousand years, and urges all her followers to live similarly minimalistic lives!”

Anon barked a laugh at that. “HA! Explains why my fillyfriend’s walls are so barren.”

Coming to a stop, the two of them dropped the dresser and shoved it into place. And just like that, the other room was now a perfect recreation of the previous one! Now nopony would ever know.

At least, not before maintenance went into the other room, at any rate. But it would be long past being her problem by then—and more importantly, long past being his. Pike would never forgive her if she’d played a part in getting her coltfriend involved in an international incident.

Sure, some would consider having to do all that work a complete waste of their precious time, but not her! After all, how could she call it a waste when she’d already learned so much about Pike’s coltfriend? When the chips were down, there was no squabbling over whose fault it was. Instead, he immediately set to work with the same determination as she'd had. He didn't even try to pawn off the work either; he was more than willing to take his fair share.

While janefillies weren’t Astral’s type, she could now say she certainly saw the appeal, especially to somepony as easily annoyed by coltiness as Pike. Deciding to get a better look at the unicorn, Astral gave him a real once over. Honestly he wasn’t that bad looking either—even if he was too tall for his own good. Plus he’d worked up a little bit of a sweat, and Astral always did like seeing colts work out. However, the closer she looked, the more she couldn’t help but feel that something was... off. She couldn’t quite put a hoof on it, though.

Maybe it had something to do with seeing a stallion’s angular build on a larger frame than the average mare? ...No, that wasn’t it.

‘Maybe...?’

While Anon took in the finished room, Astral gave him another scrutinizing look up and down.

‘Hmmm...’

‘...Eureka! It's his posture!’

She’d never seen a stallion stand like him before. Usually they held their heads down and forward. However, Anonymous? He stood with his head held high. For a stallion, anyway. Like some kinda weird half mare, half stallion.

Oh well; just another thing to file away under ‘he’s foreign,’ she supposed.

He turned his gaze back to her. “So uh, what happens now that our moment of camaraderie is over? You throwing me in the dungeon?”

That was another difference between him and the average stallion: he got straight to the point.

“Not at all. You want to interview Rain Shine, right? Well I propose a deal: an interview for an interview.”

His only response was a raised eyebrow. “Oh?”

She took that as an invitation to continue. Astral leaned in closer.

“You’ll get to interview her...” She smirked. “...after I interview the stallion that’s got my best friend wrapped around his hoof.”

As Anonymous watched the guardsmare take off her helmet, it all came together. As the enchantment on the armor faded, he was greeted with the sight of a deep indigo coat and a pale, dark blue mane. A set of colors that was deeply familiar to him by now; after all, Pike probably had a dozen pictures with the mare peppered around her apartment. “You’re Astral Blade!” he cried, with an accusatory hoof point.

“And you’re Anonymous; we meet at last.”

“Yeah, no fucking kidding.”

That response seemed to throw her for a loop, and her jaw practically hit the floor from his flagrant disregard for conversational etiquette. “Huh?”

Seeking to clear things up, he began to explain. “I mean, I’ve been trying to get Pike to introduce me to her friends for months! But it’s always ‘I’ll do it soon Anon’!”

Astral’s eyes lit up in recognition at that, and her voice shifted into a surprisingly good impression of Pike. “‘Just be patient, you’ll get to meet him eventually’.”

He smirked. “‘They’re pretty rowdy’...”

Astral grinned. “‘He’s pretty unique’...”

“‘I just want to wait until the time is right’!” the two of them quoted together, before bursting into a laughing fit.

Astral was the first to recover. “I can’t believe she was giving you the run around too!”

Honestly, he could, considering how many of their outings left her red in the face. She was probably worried he'd make a fool of her in front of her gal-pals. He gladly would’ve told her that he’d absolutely never do something like that!

...Intentionally!

He chuckled a bit. “Yeah, at this point, I was just about to follow her to her next poker night.”

“HA! Oh Luna that would have been a mess. At least two of the players would have tried to turn it into dress poker the second you got to the table.”

‘Dress poker?’

‘Like… oh wait, I get it.’

“With what, their armor? Would it even fit me?”

“Ha! It would definitely not fit you, and that’s why they’d want to see you in it.”

He took a moment to pull up a mental picture. He... really couldn’t see the appeal. It wasn’t like it would look like bikini armor on him or something. Maybe tight clothes themselves were just appealing?

“Huh. I feel like that’d look better in their heads.”

Astral just chuckled and walked over to the coffee table and chairs at the other end of the room. Taking a seat, she gestured to the chair across from her. "Anyway, that’s enough dilly-dallying. Come on, let's get this interview started before the Kirin get here."

Sure, that wasn't the most natural way Astral Blade could’ve changed topics. But if she didn’t make some attempt to direct the conversation, the two of them would probably have spent the rest of their precious time just cracking jokes about Pike and her horny comrades-in-arms. While she’d normally be unopposed to that, time was of the essence, and she wanted to get a better handle on the colt that had wrapped her best friend around his hooves—something more substantial than ‘he’s got a good sense of humor for a stallion.’

So she’d taken her seat, and now she was waiting for this little ‘interview’ she’d set up to begin. Anonymous, thankfully, seemed intent on humoring her, as he likewise pulled back a chair with his magic. And by the time he’d taken his seat, she knew exactly where to start.

“So Anonymous, tell me, how did you manage to get Pike bridled?”

Surprisingly, Anonymous neither laughed it off nor got defensive over it. Instead he just looked confused. “...What are you talking about?”

“You know, like... bridled,” she said, while making a crude gesture with both hooves on the sides of her muzzle.

Unfortunately, it seemed that he was no closer to understanding, despite Astral’s flawless explanation. “I legitimately have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She frowned.

‘How has he never heard of—’

‘Oh!’

“Ohhh, right! Sorry, your Equish is so good that I keep forgetting you’re not from Equestria.”

At the mention of his non-native status, he started chuckling and sheepishly rubbed at the back of his head. “Thanks, but back home we basically spoke the same language, so really it’s not that much of an accomplishment.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly surprising; Equish was the lingua franca across the known world. That did bring up another interesting question, though. Being in Equestria’s capital, Astral had been exposed to a lot of visitors, with a lot of different accents. But his seemed fairly unique; perhaps one of a kind.

“So, where are you from anyway?”

Normally at this point, she would have expected a stallion like him to launch into a happy little story about whatever small western country he’d come from. Instead, her question seemed to suck the life right out of him.

He sagged and let out a soul-wrenching sigh. “...It doesn’t matter. I got here in a teleportation accident. No o- pony will ever get to see it in your or my lifetime.”

Stars... she honestly didn’t know what to say to that. ‘Undiscovered West’ indeed. Tartarus, that was not the kind of story she was ready for. “That’s uh, that’s pretty rough.”

He huffed. “No kidding. For all intents and purposes, I just popped into a whole new world one day. Right smack dab in the middle of the Canterlot gardens.”

‘Mare, that’s genuinely awful.’

It was coming back to her now; there was an unsolved case of non-consensual teleportation just a little over a year ago. Astral had assumed it was just some schmuck from the school, but to think it was that far away… She honestly didn’t know what to say beyond ‘that really sucks.’

Thankfully, he seemed just as eager to switch subjects as she was. “Yeah... it was rough. Things are a lot better now, though.”

Ah, and she could probably guess why.

He may be foreign, and he may be a janefilly...

But nothing perked up a stallion more than finding a home to make.

“Because you’ve got a fillyfriend now, right?”

“Well I wouldn’t say it like that. She’s done a lot more than just be a fillyfriend, you know? Like how many mares would be willing to do a couple's cooking class so their coltfriend could learn how to cook?”

‘Ha! Pike doing a cooking class?’

Astral smiled at the mental image. “How in Equestria did you convince her to do that?”

“I didn’t, it was her idea.”

‘WHAT!?’

Luna’s stars, Astral could feel her eyes trying to bug out of her head! Pike? Learning a remotely colty skill!? Buck, she could still remember how Pike had been gifted an Easy Bake Oven as a secret present at last year's Hearth’s Warming party. She’d smashed the darn thing in a rage! There was no way in Tartarus that anypony was going to claim to be the giver of that gift. Now she was doing a couple’s cooking class? What in Equestria could have changed?

‘Ooooooh wait, I get it.’

For years Pike had been complaining about how she wished stallions could be ‘just like us mares.’ Now that the universe had seen fit to provide her with a coltfriend that was exactly that, cons and all, she’d finally realized that maybe having a stallion who acted like a mare wasn’t all that. She was trying to have her cake and eat it too... clever bitch.

It looked like she’d get to, as well. Janefilly or not, it seemed like Anonymous was earnest about learning.

“So your dad didn’t teach you then?”

“No, it’s... just not really something dads do back home.”

‘Luna, does that mean he comes from an entire nation of janefillies?’

That was a scary thought. Astral liked her stallions masculine, thank you very much.

Not to imply she hadn’t been enjoying Anonymous’ company! While Pike was clearly bridled, if this janefilly to end all janefillies was willing to be more colty just for her… Well, she’d wager that the bridling went both ways.

It made her want to see those two doing something together.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a staccato BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

‘Oh! Times up.’

Anonymous, clearly not expecting the interruption, cried out. “What the hell is that!?”

Holding up her right forehoof, Astral showed off the now flashing and beeping shin guard. “It’s some new magic communicator we’ve started using, and this signal can only mean one thing: they’ve arrived.”

Chapter 16

View Online

Nocturnal Pike cringed. ‘This... is Tartarus.’

As if on cue, one of the arbiters of her torment spoke up. “Wow, if all bats are this short, snagging some bat stallions should be easy!”

She didn’t think she could handle this. ‘Take a deep breath in, let a deep breath out. Don’t even turn to look at which one said it, just keep walking.’

“Fern, control yourself!” she heard their leader cry.

The Kirin apparently named Fern didn’t do a very good job of that. “But isn’t why we’re-”

“Shhhhh!”

When Pike had read the memo warning that ‘the visiting ambassadors had no filter,’ she’d just assumed that they were overly critical, not that they literally said the first thing that came to mind. Every. Time.

The other one seemed just as unwilling to heed her leader's words as Fern was. “Ooh, I didn’t know they had stallion guards! You’d look good pressed into my floof!”

The grimace on Pike’s face threatened to tear it in half. Just the thought of all the official complaints she and Sepulcher were going to have to deal with was threatening to give her an aneurysm.

"That armor is very becoming on you. But if I were on you, I'd be coming, too." Pike could feel her sanity slipping at every word Fern spoke.

‘Please make it stop.’

Thankfully, a bit of relief came Pike's way when Fern's next statement was directed towards the Kirin's leader instead of another potential plaintiff in a sexual harassment complaint. “You think Princess Celestia got us complimentary concubines?”

“Don't be ridiculous, they haven’t done that in centuries."

‘For the love of—wait, what was that about concubines?’

“Seriously, why is she so short?”

‘AHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGGG’

Astral Blade had just returned to her post—right in the nick of time too; Cloak and her patrolmate rounded the corner only a few moments later. On one hoof, that was good. A rumormonger like Cloak was the perfect pony to start spreading her cover story for what happened to the Kirin’s former room. On the other hoof, that also meant she had to listen to her conspiracy theories.

“I’m telling you Astral, ponies don’t want it getting out, but there've been an awful lot of mysterious accidents happening today...”

‘Let’s see, what’s she going to pin it on this time? Gryphons or ghosts?’

“I think the Kirin are haunted!”

‘Ahhhhh, ghosts it is then.’

“Come on Cloak, I’m sure it was just some feather he-”

‘Oh manure Pike just rounded the corner!’

“Quick, get in position!”

Thankfully, years of getting away with slacking off had finely turned the reflexes of every mare present, and they all snapped to attention as soon as Pike looked their way. And what a look she gave! She was about to go berserk!

And it didn’t take long to figure out why.

“Awwww, bat mares are normal sized!” chimed one of Rain Shine’s entourage.

‘Pfffft hahahahaaa!’ Oh mare; if only she was allowed to laugh outside her head! Astral could swear to Luna she saw steam coming out of Pike’s ears!

‘Huh, maybe she does have some pegasus in her after all?’

However, that steam was quickly replaced by a look of bliss as Pike seemed to realize she’d reached the end of whatever ordeal the Kirin had put her through. “And here is where you’ll be staying,” she said with a flourish.

...Toward the wrong door.

“Uh, Sarge?”

Astral tapped the door behind her with a hind hoof, hoping she got the message. Pivoting to face the correct door, Pike quickly amended. “Oh! It appears there’s been a last minute change, this will be your room.”

As Astral opened the door, their leader bowed gracefully. “Thank you Sergeant,” she said. “That will be all”.

From there Astral just stepped to the side and let them file on in. Which she was more than happy to do, until she heard one of them whisper. “Probably had mangoes on the brain.”

But (luckily) before she could get heated too, Rain Shine grabbed that particular Kirin by the floof and dragged her in, slamming the door shut behind her.

Rain Shine rubbed at her temples. Things were not off to a good start.

While Fern and Cinder were indeed some of her most trusted advisors, it appeared the silence had taken its toll on them. Thankfully, at least, she had the level head needed to somewhat keep them in check. Although the only thing allowing her to keep that level head was years of prior political experience. As long as nothing truly shocking happened, she should, hopefully, be able to keep her thoughts in her own head, and this meeting on track.

Showtime!

Anonymous the unicorn was seated in a chair facing away from the door, waiting for the perfect moment to swivel it around to face his interview subjects. Which was originally going to be as soon as they walked into the room.

‘But, on the other ha-er, hoof…’

“You two need to control yourselves!” he heard Rain Shine chide.

“But—”
“But—”

Rain shine cut off their stereo response. “No buts! You think Celestia’s even going to give us the time of day if you keep insulting her guards!? Have a little self control, mares!”

“We’re sorry Rain Shine...” they answered in tandem.

‘Oh wow, by the sounds of it, they really can’t help but speak their minds!’

And that was either going to make this interview incredibly interesting or incredibly awkward. Probably the latter, if he had to guess. But he’d done enough dilly-dallying!

Spinning his swivel chair to face them, Anon called out. “Good evening lad- *ahem* gentlemares! My name is-”

“HOLY COW I WAS RIGHT, SHE DID GET US A CONCUBINE!”

‘...’

‘N-now hold up.’

“He’s got black hair! Is he our complimentary big-balled goth coltfriend!?”

‘W-wait a minute here!’

Anonymous was doing his best to keep his expression neutral, but the strain was beginning to show.

Even Rain Shine couldn’t contain herself. “He’s almost as tall as me! To think Celestia would go through the effort to find a perfect stallion...!”

His self control drew the line there. “EVERYBODY HOLD THE FUCK UP!” Thankfully, his totally-not-panicked cry seemed to have brought the situation back under control, as the Kirin were seemingly awaiting his lead.

“I-I'm not a concubine, I’m a reporter!” Reaching to his side, he pulled out his notepad. “Equestria wants answers and I’m here to get them!”

All three of them visibly sagged at that. The two regular sized ones let out a tandem “awwwwww,” while Rain Shine let out a deep sigh.

“Horse apples, I thought I was finally going to get pounded.” Rain Shine’s statement seemingly surprised herself as much as it did Anonymous. “Oh buck no, I just said that out loud,” she groaned, throwing a hoof in front of her face.

The Kirin on her left made no effort to hold her thoughts in. “Ha! Now you’re doing it too!”

”Quiet, Fern!”

“No way!” joined the Kirin on the right. “You’ve been getting on our cases since we left Kirin Grove, now it’s our turn to get on yours!”

Rain Shine seemed exasperated. “Not in front of the reporter, Cinder!”

Deciding this had gone on long enough, and having recollected all of his wits, Anon interjected. “Look, let’s all just calm down. We clearly got off on the wrong f-hoof.”

Even if Rain Shine didn’t seem like the kind of ruler that would care, he gave a customary bow. “My name is Anonymous, and if it’s not too much trouble I’d enjoy being able to interview you.”

Peeking up from his kowtowed position, he just barely caught Rain Shine’s relieved expression. “Well met Anonymous. As I’m sure you know, I am Rain Shine, regent of the Kirin. And these,” she said, as she gestured to her right and left respectively, “are Fern Flare and Cinder Glow.”

Cinder glow gave a half hearted wave. “Hey.”

“You sure you’re not a concubine?” Fern asked, which earned her a hearty swat on the snoot from Rain Shine. “Ow, hey!”

Rain Shine glared down at the Kirin on her right. “Fern, why don’t you make sure our luggage arrived undamaged. Cinder and I will handle this.”

“But...”

“Now, Fern.”

Seeing that Rain Shine had left no room for arguing, Fern swiftly departed, grumbling all the way. Which allowed Rain Shine and Cinder Glow to take the seats across from the stallion.

“Alright Mr. Anonymous, what do you want to know?”

‘Perfect! I’ve got her right where I want her.’

He wanted to open up with something good; something that really showed he meant business. He started flipping through his notepad, but he’d already found his first question right on the first page. “So your Ladyship, about the rumors relating to the beverage ‘Kirin Beer’..."

Nocturnal Pike’s office had seen better days. There was a reason she kept a training dummy in there, and that dummy was doing its duty.

“Stupid dragon ponies! Let’s see how tall and mighty they are after I PIN THEM IN TEN SECONDS FLAT!” Wrapping her forehooves around its barrel, she suplexed it directly into the wall. She could hear the impact knock several things off of it, but she was far too angry to care. “BUCK YOU AND BUCK YOUR FLOOF!”

“PIKE!”

Whipping her head around, she was surprised to see Astral standing in the entrance. She hadn’t even heard the door open!

“What, Astral!?”

“I’m here to stop you from wrecking your entire office.”

Pike would’ve given Astral a snappy retort, but a quick look around at her thoroughly trashed office was a sure sign she should probably stop. “Bucking scalies...” Pike grumbled as she climbed out from under the suplexed dummy.

Meanwhile, Astral had already started picking up the pictures that fell down. As she held up the one she’d most recently picked up, Pike noticed it was a picture of her and her family, which now sported a massive crack in the glass.

“Gonna need to get this one re-framed.”

Trotting over to her office chair, Pike plopped down with her head in her hooves. “Ugh, I’ll put it on the list of things to do after this whole mess is over.”

Astral just chuckled, and set the items down on Pike’s desk, which at some point had made its way to the other side of the room. “That bad, huh?”

“I counted at least fifteen potential sexual harassment complaints.”

In that instant, Astral’s tone went from mirthful to mortified. “Sweet Luna, I didn’t even know we had that many stallions on our shift.”

The thought just made Pike dip her head even further. “Celestia brought in reinforcements from the other shifts, and wouldn’t you know, most of those reinforcements ended up being stallions.”

Astral shook her head. “Bucking amazing. What next?”

As if to punctuate that statement, a dragon-fire letter appeared right in front of Pike’s face.

‘Oh buck, it's got Sepulcher's stupid little official seal on it.’

Wasting not a moment, she tore open the letter, and felt her heart sink.

“What’s it say?”

Pike had to suppress a whimper. “Celestia wants Sepulcher and I to personally guard the meeting. I’m going to be stuck listening to the Kirin till the night shift starts.”

Anonymous the unicorn was honestly fascinated. He didn’t even know stuff like that could be DONE with barley!

“And so mister Anonymous, I give my personal word to both you, and the population of Equestria as a whole, that Kirin Beer is NOT pee.”

About halfway through Rain’s recently concluded explanation, Fern had returned with their luggage in tow. Luggage that included a twelve pack of that very beer! Anonymous was holding a bottle of it, and admittedly dying to crack it open.

“In that case, may I?”

“Of course,” Rain replied with a smile. “But do be warned, stallions typically aren’t fans.”

‘Well most stallions are typically little bitches, too.’

So without further ado, he popped off the cap and took a swig. ‘Hmmm, what do you know, it's beer!’ Now that he thought about it, he realized it was the first beer he’d had since he’d come to Equestria. ...He’d kind of missed it, honestly.

“This isn’t half bad!”

It was with no small amount of self satisfaction that he took in the sight of the Kirin’s jaws dropping.

“He even likes beer!?” Fern cried.

Rain, as was befitting the running theme of this meeting, was the first to recapture her composure. “I-I’m glad you think so. Equestria should have it on the shelves of their stores soon.”

Continuing to take gulps of the drink, he turned back to his notepad. “Is that why you’re here then? To secure some new trade deal?”

“Well, in a manner of speaking...”

Fern quickly blurted out, “Yeah we’re trading our village!”

”For STALLIONS! WOO WOO!” Cinder joined in.

Anon just stared at them.

‘That’s... probably not going in the article.’

“Uhhh... Would you care to clarify that?”

The other two attempted to speak up, but Rain Shine immediately sealed their mouths shut with telekinesis. “Ahem. Yes. After the recent success of reintegrating Thestrals into Equestria, and after the conclusion of our self imposed exile, Celestia approached us with the offer of annexing Kirin Grove. And due to many... extenuating factors... I’m inclined to consider her offer.”

Considering what her entourage had just said, Anon could probably guess what those ‘extenuating factors’ were. But that was no reason not to ask anyway!

“Oh? Like what?”

“Well for starters, being able to make use of Equestrian infrastructure-”

Unable to hold their tongues any longer, the other Kirin broke out of Rain Shine’s TK grip. “Buck that manure! It’s because ever since the silence ended, all the stallions have become unbearable!"

The other joined in. “Everyday it’s ‘you haven’t been mindful enough’ or ‘I have a headache because you talked too much’, and the mares of Kirin Grove are sick of it!”

“It’s like they've just been saving every complaint they’ve had since the silence started, and they’re all coming out now!”

“Don’t even get us started on what they look like—have you ever seen a Kirin stallion before?”

Shocked by the fact they’d actually given him a moment to speak, it took Anonymous a bit to respond. “Uh... no?”

“Well,” Cinder said as she reached up and...

...covered up her eyelashes?

“There you go!”

Anonymous spent a moment staring blankly at her, trying to figure out what he was looking at. “So... they look exactly like you, but without eyelashes?”

“Exactly!” Fern replied, throwing her hooves up in exasperation.

“Wait, hold on that was a questio-”

Fern ignored him and went on. “Where are the broad shoulders!? The chiseled jaws!? If I wanted to kiss someone who looks like a mare, I’d just go dy-”

“ENOUGH!” Throwing his hooves over his ears did very little to shield them from Rain Shine’s cry. “I would rather the first impression we give to the Equestrian ponies, NOT be that we’re just horny creeps who’ve come out of isolation to steal their stallions!!”

The righteous fury that previously possessed her advisors was seemingly gone in a flash as they hung their heads in shame. “B-but Rain Shine, t-that’s why we’re here.”

She rolled her eyes “Yes, but we don’t want them to KNOW that!”

Honestly, all this nonsense had left Anon hanging his head too. What the fuck was he going to write his article on!? He couldn’t include any of that unless he wanted to start a race war! Which left him with, what, Kirin beer isn’t pee!? He needed to think of something, and he needed to think of it fast.

“So, uhhhh, ahaha, about making use of that infrastructure...”

Chapter 17

View Online

Nocturnal Pike was escorting the WORST Princess and her student, and she was not in a good mood.

‘Stupid Celestia, this mess is all her fault. Why can’t she just buck off to the sun for a thousand years and let the Best Princess run things for a change!’

Unfortunately for the sergeant, it seemed her internal rant had triggered Princess Celestia’s uncanny ability to read ponies.

“You seem upset, my little pony, what is the matter?”

‘’My little pony,’ buck you, the only pony I'm a little pony for is Princess Luna!’

Pike tried to make her face neutral. “It’s nothing Princess. It’s just been a rough day.”

“Ah, been taking some rough jabs from our visitors?”

‘Arg, of course she’d guess it on her first try.’ Knowing the nosy sun princess, she’d probably been spying on Pike all day or something.

“N-no.”

Sepulcher spoke up from their right. “Although she’s too proud to admit it, Sergeant Pike was savagely mocked during most of our time with the ambassadors. The fact she managed to keep her composure was legitimately impressive.”

Like always, Pike had been left relatively unsure if that was a compliment or not.

“Well your service is appreciated Sergeant Pike, and I shall have to keep that in mind.”

‘Sure you will.’

If Princess Celestia really wanted to do something for Pike, she’d give her some time off. But what were the odds of that?

‘Alright, I can work with this.’

Anonymous finally had enough ‘legitimate’ information to write his article. He’d need to do some heavy statement editing, but it should be enough to get the truth out in a way that wouldn’t start a massive race—or would that be tribe?—riot. Rain Shine had even given him some beer for the road!

Standing up and starting to pack his saddlebags, Anon prepared for the journey back whence he’d come. “Well gentlemares, thank you for your time. But I think it's about time I-”

A hoof rapped on the door. His mane stood on end at the sound.

“Hello? I’m sorry to intrude, Rain Shine, but I did hope to get negotiations underway.”

‘No way, that voice...! Oh fuck!’ Sparing only a moment to whisper to the Kirin “Please don’t tell her I’m here,” he bounded across the room towards the nearest hiding place.

He managed to slip into a closet just as Rain Shine called out to their visitor. “Oh, Princess, of course! Come in!”

With that the door opened, and in walked the Alicorn of the day herself: Princess Celestia, followed immediately by some of the day guard, her student, and...

‘Pike!’

Spying through the gap in the closet doors, he saw Princess Celestia smile. “Once again do I apologize, but I do want to get things started.” Celestia said, bowing to her fellow leader.

“It’s no trouble,” Rain replied. “I understand your time is valuable. I, too, don’t wish to be away from Kirin Grove for too long.”

Giving another one of her motherly smiles, Celestia gestured towards the door. “Then my guards shall escort us to the meeting room post-haste.”

‘Yes!’

Anon sighed in relief. Soon they’d be gone and he’d be in the clea—

‘...Oh no.’

‘Oh no no no no.’

Anon’s eyes bugged out of his head when he spotted his notebook, lying right there on the table. He'd been so panicked that he’d forgotten to grab it! Now it was just sitting there, out in the open!

‘FuckFuckFuckFuck.’

‘Wait, wait, it’s ok.’

He took a moment to get his bearings. It really wasn’t that bad; the only one who could possibly realize that the notebook didn’t belong to the Kirin was Pike. And there’s no way she would notice it from across the ro—aaaaand Pike walked straight to it.

‘God damn it, why does she have to be so good at her job?’

Nocturnal Pike couldn’t shake the feeling she’d seen that notebook before. While the Kirin busied themselves chatting with Celestia and her student, she took it upon herself to investigate. The closer she got to the notebook, the stronger that feeling became. But she couldn’t figure out where she could’ve have seen—

‘Wait... this is a reporter’s notebook!’

‘And the cover.... ’Property of Anonymous!?’’

‘It can’t be... how did this get here?’

The sergeant started flipping through the pages rapidly, until she found today's date and started reading in earnest.

‘No way... he... he broke into the castle to interview these motherbuckers!?’

As she made her way through his notes, Pike's already bad mood got darker and darker. The things they'd said to him made her blood boil.

“Excuse me... Rain Shine?”

Considering those were the first words Pike had said spoken to her directly, the tall Kirin was taken somewhat by surprise. “Yes, Sergeant ? What is it?”

Taking a deep breath, Pike affixed Rain Shine in a steely gaze. “The only thing getting pounded today, IS YOUR BUCKING FACE!” Kicking off with as much force as she could, she aimed herself right at the dumb halfbreed’s stupid face. “MY COLTFRIEND IS NOT A LUNA DAMNED CONCUBINE!”

‘Oh fuck no!’

Things were going way worse than Anonymous could have possibly imagined! He needed to stop Pike from beating up Rain Shine! She’d go to jail! And then… and then… then what would he do!? He couldn’t let that happen!

Throwing open the closet door, he slammed every ounce of power he had through his horn, praying it was enough. “PIKE WAIT!” Thankfully, his cry distracted her just enough for his telekinesis to grab a hold of her. Letting out a quick sigh of relief, he focused on holding her fuming form suspended in the air.

“Anonymous!? L-let me go! I need to teach these bitches a lesson in respect!”

“No!”

‘Goddamn it Pike quit struggling so hard! I’m trying to save your career, here!’

He clenched his teeth as she pushed through his grasp. She may have been a tiny mare, but her wing strength was incredible. Sweat gathered on his brow as she continued to tussle.

‘She’s gonna break free-! Fuck! NO!’

As Pike slipped out of his grasp, he watched in horror as—

She was immediately caught again in another aura.

A golden aura.

“Sergeant please, control yourself!”

‘Oh no, why'd it have to be Celestia!? Pike hates Celestia!

The irate bat immediately yelled at her. “Listen here Princess Fa-”

“EVERYPONY STOP!” For briefest of moments, Anon could feel Rain Shine’s cry just as well as he could hear it. For the briefest of moments he saw the scorching black flames the Kirin were known for, but just as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. For a little while, nobody moved, everyone just standing (well in Pike’s case, floating) and breathing heavily.

Eventually, Rain Shine spoke up. “Sergeant Pike, our loose tongues have clearly offended you and for that you have my sincerest apologies.”

She then, surprisingly, turned to him. “And Mr. Anonymous, I’m sorry I assumed you were a simple concubine. Our interview was very enjoyable. I could only wish every stallion in Kirin Grove was as understanding as you.”

Confused, but thankful for the break in the tension, he bowed to the regent. “Uhhh, thanks!” Looking nervously around the room, he attempted to wrench Pike from Celestia’s grip. “So haha, if you all don’t mind, I think I’m just gonna take my fillyfriend and dip.”

For a second he almost thought they’d let him do it, too. But then a voice spoke up from the back. “WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS THIS!?”

At the sound of that, Anon slumped so hard his forehead practically smashes against the ground. Of course just when the situation was looking de-escalated, something else had to go wrong. And wouldn’t you know it, that something was Twilight Sparkle. Apparently while all of the shouting and screaming was going on, she’d decided to spend her time reading the notebook Pike dropped.

‘Great.’

And old purple-nurple was no end of incensed. “Princess, these notes say that the Kirin are here because they want to steal our stallions!!”

“Well, my faithful student—”

“There’s so few already! We can’t let these... these, DOUBLE NIRIKS take them too!”

…

There had been many times in Anon's life that he had felt fear. There had been many times today that Anon had felt fear.

But this, here and now? This was the worst.

Celestia’s face dropped in horror. “Twiggles no! You can’t say that!”

But it was too late.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY NIKKA!?” Rain Shine screamed.

‘Oh my God they just combusted!’

“YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!“ barked the distorted voice of Fern. “THAT’S OUR WORD!”

In a heartbeat, seemingly everything was on fire.

‘I need to get Pike the fuck out of here!’

‘The door! It’s right over-’

Everything was obscured in a flash of light and a roaring flame.

Nocturnal Pike couldn’t see anything but white. The last thing she remembered was fire.

‘Did... did we die?’

Pike’s vision came back to her, revealing they were all… right outside the Kirin's suite. Celestia, Sepulcher, and Anon—they’d all made it! Except for... where was the Princess’ student?

‘Oh buck she must still be inside! I gotta go back and get her!’

Pike jumped to her hooves and made a beeline for the still open door—only for a golden glow to slam it shut in her face. “While I appreciate your initiative, Sergeant,” Celestia spoke out from behind her, “my student has a long history with fire. She’ll be fine. Best leave them to work it out.”

As Pike turned around to face the Princess of the day, she saw that Sepulcher had already gotten to her hooves as well, as Celestia turned to face her. “Sergeant Sepulcher, please go ahead to the meeting chamber and let my sister know that negotiations will not be starting this evening.”

With that, Sepulcher wordlessly departed, leaving Pike alone with her coltfriend and her boss.

Speaking of her coltfriend, this situation in the castle had left Pike in a pretty tough spot. But before she could even attempt to come up with a way out for him, Celestia spoke up, with a wry grin on her muzzle. “Sergeant Pike, I believe I will need some help escorting this... troublemaker, off the castle grounds. Can you assist me?”

Deciding she’d much rather be there for whatever judgment Celestia was going to pass onto him, she nodded enthusiastically. “Of course Princess.”

The three of them promptly departed. Pike to Anon’s left, and Celestia to his right. To Pike’s surprise, Celestia spoke up first. “Now Anonymous, while I do always enjoy your visits, I would appreciate a bit of a warning next time.”

‘What.’

‘Anon knows the Princess?’

As Pike stared in open-mouthed surprise, Anon just replied with a ridiculously casual tone. ”Oh come on, you cannot seriously think I knew any of that was going to happen the way it did.”

“I’m not saying you did, all I’m saying is there’s never a dull moment when you’re around. So a bit of forewarning would be nice.”

“Pffft, please. I saw your schedule... once. For you, 'a bit of forewarning' is at least a three months advance notice.“

Nocturnal Pike was clearly missing some vital information here. She already knew that Anonymous had spent some time in the castle, but she didn’t think he knew Celestia.

“Psssst, Anon!”

“Huh?” His head swiveled around from Celestia to herself. “What is it?”

“How do you know the Princess?”

He didn’t answer immediately, but the face he made told her everything she needed to know. It was identical to the one he’d made when she met Silken Evening at her shop.

He grimaced. “Errr... let’s not talk about that.”

But it seemed that the Princess either hadn't noticed, or just wasn’t interested in holding back; she smiled widely. “Does she want to know how we met? Ooh I love that story! Well, you see...”

Princess Celestia, ruler of the day, and co-ruler of Equestria, was having a day much like any other; she was sitting on her throne, waiting for petitioners to come in—until two guards rushed in, claiming a delirious stallion had appeared in the gardens. Fearing foul play, she rushed to the palace infirmary to comfort and hopefully assist him. Upon arriving at his room however, she’d found that ‘delirious’ was a bit of an understatement.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME!?”

And as the stallion continued to struggle against the nurses’ attempts to mollify and diagnose him, the situation was rapidly spiraling out of control.

“Please my little pony, calm down!”

He snarled. “I AM NOT YOUR ‘LITTLE PONY‘!”

“Please I’m trying to-!”

“SHIT LIKE THIS DOESN’T JUST RANDOMLY HAPPEN! YOU BETTER CHANGE ME BACK RIGHT NOW AND I SWEAR TO GOD IT BETTER BE JUST AS INSTANTANEOUS AS LAST TIME!”

At that point, the Princess was prepping a sedation spell of her own.

“IF YOU MAKE ME SIT THROUGH SOME BODY HORROR FETISH SHIT I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!”

Nocturnal Pike glanced at her coltfriend as he visibly winced at the memory. “Yeesh. Yeah, that was a rough day.”

Celestia just got done telling about the day she and Anon had met, and there were some open questions at the end of the story. Pike decided to ask about the biggest one. “Well, you fixed whatever was wrong, right Princess?”

Neither she nor Anon answered though, which put quite the pit in her stomach. Before she could press further about it though, she felt one of Anon’s telekinetic ‘hands’ on her shoulder. “Don’t worry about it.”

He cast a smile Celestia’s way. “Even after all that, she still let me stay in the castle for a couple months.”

For the first time ever, Pike heard Celestia chuckle. “When you get to be as old as I am, you learn to treasure such interesting days. I even offered to let you stay longer.”

He shrugged. “I needed to get out there. Couldn’t live the rest of my life on someone else’s dime.”

Celestia smiled. “An admirable way to live.”

From there the three of them lapsed into silence, which continued all the way to the castle gates. When they got there, both she and Anon knew what that meant: judgement time.

“So,” Anon asked, “what now, Princess?”

She hummed, thoughtfully. “The two of you have had quite an eventful day. Trespassing, destruction of property, attempted assault on a diplomat...” Every new crime listed felt like a burden on both her and Anonymous’ shoulders. “...and harassment. I think that covers it.”

‘Oh no! I'm going to get fired! All of my life’s work, gone!’

“As such, Anonymous, I am banning you from the castle grounds for two weeks!”

“Wait what?”

“Indeed! You shall not be allowed in these halls for any reason!”

She turned her stern gaze upon Pike. “And you, Sergeant , for your actions, most unbecoming of a mare in your station, I am giving you the most laborious of tasks!”

As Celestia spoke, she raised a hoof above her head. For a brief moment Pike was sure she was going to smash it against the ground, but instead she just pointed at Anonymous. “I task you to enforce this ban upon this stallion! You must watch him day and night, never leaving his side!”

‘Wha- I can’t believe this! I’m getting off scot-free!?’

“This all comes on one condition, however.”

Anon, clearly relieved, was the one to ask. “Name it.”

Celestia turned her attention to Pike, and suddenly leaned down to be eye level with her. “Say I’m best Princess.”

Pike’s eyes widened.

Anon immediately answered, “You’re best Prin—”

“Not you, Anonymous.” Celestia’s smile turned downright evil. “I want her to say it.”

‘Oh come on Pike, you can do this. Just lie, and you won’t have to go to the dungeons. Just say ‘You are best Princess’.’

‘Come on!’

‘Say it!’

Before she could even push out the first syllable, she felt something bubble up from her very blood. Something she couldn’t resist, even if she’d wanted to.

“Never!"

Much to her surprise, Celestia’s smile turned far more pleasant, and she nodded to her. “I’d expect nothing less from my sister’s finest.” Standing back to her full height, she pulled something from behind her. “Ah! I almost forgot.”

Bringing it around to Anonymous, they both recognized it immediately. “My notebook! I thought that thing had burned to a crisp!”

Celestia just gave him one of her insufferable, motherly smiles. “Make sure it's a good article. And I’m sorry I didn’t speak to you more when you were here Anonymous, you seem like an interesting stallion.”

With that, she turned around and started walking back into the castle’s halls. “Take good care of him, Sergeant!”

Huh. Pike never expected to hear that from the Princess of the day.

‘She better not think this entitles her to officiate our bucking wedding.’

Anon stared after her. “Huh. Well, I guess that wraps that up. All's well that ends well, am I right?”

She supposed so, but it wasn’t over yet. She still had one burning question in her mind. A question she was going to make sure he answered as he turned to face her.

“Let’s get out of—” Anon booped himself right on Pike’s waiting hoof. “Bwah, h-hey!”

Pike turned her eyes to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He just looked confused. “Huh, tell you what?”

‘Luna dang it, stallions are supposed to be the ones who are sensitive to these things!’

“That you’d be doing... this! That you’re breaking into the castle! Do you know how this could have turned out?”

He scoffed. “Of course I did.”

“Then why didn’t you-” This time, Pike was the one cut off, as one of Anon’s spectral fingers covered her lips.

“I knew the risk, and I took it. This was not your problem, it was mine.”

“But-but, I could have helped you...”

Much to Pike's surprise, Anon looked genuinely offended at the offer. “What do you take me for? You seriously think I’d put you in that position? That I’d ever force you to choose between your career and me? Absolutely not.” To punctuate his statement, he grabbed Pike and pulled her into a hug. “I love you way too much to do something like that to you.”

‘Awwwwww.’ Wrapping her hooves around him as best she could, she hugged him right back. “I love you too Anon.”

Eventually pulling herself out of his grip, and wiping something out of her eye (it was DEFINITELY not a tear), she turned towards home. “Well Anonymous, shall we get out of here?”

He sighed, sliding his notebook back into his saddlebags. “Yeah, let’s. I’ve had my fill of this place for at least two weeks.”

Not even bothering to hold back her laugh, she and he set off for home. Honestly, Pike had been looking forward to having some time off with him. Ooh! Maybe the two of them could plan a vacation! They do say Prance is nice this time of year...

“Oh by the way, I feel like I should warn you now. While I was in there, I ran into Astral.”

Pike’s train of thought ground to a halt. “YOU WHAT!?”

Chapter 18

View Online

Nocturnal Pike knew this day was coming for over a week. She even knew that it was nothing worth worrying about; it was just a couple's cooking class. But no matter how many times she said it to herself, the thestral couldn’t keep herself from trotting back and forth through her apartment on that Sunday morning. If she kept that up, she was going to put a hole in the living room floor!

Thankfully, Anon was in the shower, which gave Pike at least a little time to get her nerves under control and to keep her dignity intact.

‘I’ve just got to focus on something else! ...Just not what mom would say if she knew I was doing this.'

'Nope, that would be a terrible idea!'

'So don’t do it!’

‘...’

‘OhLunaMomWouldBeSoDissapointedInMe.’

‘Wait, stop.’

Pike took a deep breath. She was the mareliest mare on the evening shift. There was nothing wrong with helping her coltfriend fill in a hole in his upbringing. So what if she was more eager to try it than he was? There was absolutely nothing wrong with that! Sure she might've been... discovering new things about herself recently, but she was still a mare’s mare!

So what if she wouldn’t mind spending all day, everyday cooking nice meals so Anon could come home to a delicious dinner every night!? There’s nothing unmarely about prancing around in a tight little apron, hoping Anon comes in and—

Right about then, the shower turned off; Anon would be out in a moment. Seeing as their kitchen was only a few short steps away, Pike figured she might as well get started on breakfast.

But what to make?

‘Hmmm, Anon does have that strange affinity toward eggs…’

‘Ahhh.’

Anonymous was clean, feeling fresh, and ready to start the day.

With a towel wrapped around his head—‘hey, manes take a while to dry okay!?’—, he pushed open the bathroom door, and was immediately hit with a wonderful smell. It was almost like...

‘Eggs, pancakes, and... BACON!?’

He knew deep in his heart that there must be some absurd catch to this, but he was way too psyched to care. With supreme excitement to see what The Pike was cookin’, he charged heedlessly out the bedroom and to the kitchen—to find that she actually was cooking bacon!

Pike, having noticed Anon’s charge through the apartment, gave him a sly little side eye. “Well somepony’s hungry.”

‘She has no idea.’

“I didn’t even know you guys had bacon!”

That comment moved Pike from giving him a side eye to a direct look. A direct look of confusion. “How the heck have you never seen bacon here!? The hay stand always has a ton of it.”

‘Ah.’

His excitement broke like glass. The unicorn wanted to scream.

He glanced at the pan with a cracked smile. “So it’s hay bacon, then?”

Pike looked at him quizzically. “Is... there another kind?”

And just like that, all of his enthusiasm was gone.

‘Who the heck thought to oil fry hay!?’

Pike, however, was thankfully oblivious to the death of Anon’s joy, and instead returned her full attention to cooking. “Say, can you grab the plates for me? My hooves are kind of full.”

He fought down his sadness. “Sure... sure.”

Nocturnal Pike had outdone herself. Both she and Anon were just finishing up the contemporary, full Equestrian breakfast of eggs, pancakes and bacon. Though, Anon’s wasn’t quite full. The stallion tried to be sneaky about it, but nothing got past Pike’s trained skills in observation; he didn’t eat his hay-bacon!

‘The question is, why? He seemed so genuinely excited about it!’

‘...before he found out it was hay.’

Pike had originally thought he was just being thoughtless about his diet, but a pony going out of his way to not eat hay was more than a little suspicious. The fact he was strapping into his jacket while they were getting ready to leave only highlighted the need to talk to him about it.

“Say hon, how far is it to this place?”

‘Asking because you know that jacket won’t be enough?’

“It’s a bit of a trek.”

He grit his teeth and let out a sigh through them. “Aw really? Well, might as well get going then.”

He suddenly looked back at the bedroom, as if something had just occurred to him. “Say, this cold is wreaking havoc on my legs. Think ponies would be ok if I wore a set of socks?”

By the time the distant lights of the bakery came into view, Pike still hadn’t managed to convince Anon that wearing socks wouldn’t be worth it.

“I’m telling you,” he spoke through chattering teeth, “they wouldn’t have even noticed!”

Rolling her eyes at his unrepentant whimsy, Pike pressed forward through the morning snowstorm. “They absolutely would have! Those socks aren’t even meant to keep you warm, you’d just end up looking like a sloot!” She couldn’t be too hard on him though; at this point the cold was starting to get to her too. “Besides, we’re almost there anyway.”

Thank Luna, the bakery was just down this street. Picking up the pace, the two found themselves at the front door in no time. Pulling open the door, Pike was suddenly washed in the sweet, sweet relief of warm ai—

“Outta the way, Pike!”

She squeaked as Anon barreled through her with the force of a train. It appeared that in her relief to be out of the cold, she’d unintentionally stopped right in the doorway. And as she stumbled, struggling to regain her hoofing, it became obvious that Anon was not having that.

Finally coming to a stop, she shot him a glare. “You could have just asked me to move.”

“Would have taken too long,” he said, shivering as he rubbed the snow out of his fur.

Pike opted to leave him to handle that, and took the opportunity to gaze around the bakery. It was a small, cream colored space, filled with display cases of various sweets. Honestly if it wasn’t for all the ambient babble coming from behind a curtain in the back, she wouldn’t have ever suspected they could even hold a class here.

Speaking of the curtain, a portly brown earth pony stallion emerged from behind it. Based on his cake cutie mark, Pike suppose he was the owner of this bakery.

“Oh wonderful!” he said in a sing-song voice, “you must be our last students.” Walking over to Anonymous he put out his hoof. “I’m Cake Batter, and I’m so glad you and your daughter could join us today Mr. Anonymous!”

Anon was about to go for the hoofbump, when what Cake Batter actually said actually reached the two of them, prompting the stallion to freeze, mid-reach.

Needless to say, Anon took it a lot better than Pike did.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!”

“What did you just say!?”

Howling laughter filled the store as Pike marched up to the thoroughly confused baker.

“Well, ponies have brought their children to our classes before a-and I just thought that, y-you know.”

Before she could even say anything though (‘I was not going to yell, a gentlemare doesn’t yell at stallions!’), Anon grabbed hold of her, pulling the mare tight against his chest. “Cut the poor guy a break, Pike. I'm sure it was an honest misunderstanding.” Anon followed up by shooting Cake Batter a smile that was ever so slightly not quite genuine. “Right?”

“O-of course! I’m dreadfully sorry. It’s just that she’s so much sma—”

Anon wisely cut him off again, knowing how she’d react if he finished that thought. “So yeah, this is my fillyfriend Nocturnal Pike, and yes, we signed up for your couples class.”

Cake seemed more than happy to switch subjects, instantly relaxing. ”Well that is wonderful! Now if you two will just follow me...”

Falling into step behind the stallion as he showed them to the ‘classroom’, Pike focused on de-souring her mood. She wasn’t that much shorter than Anon!

...Okay, she was. But that’s just because he’s freakishly tall! She wasn’t that close to being filly sized!!

Anon, of course, noticed her frustration and leaned down to whisper in her ear. “Look at it this way Pike, he was only half wrong. I may not be your dad, but I am your daddy.”

‘Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.’

“Anon, that’s foul!” Taking a look to make sure Cake didn’t hear, she lowered her voice even further. “...H-have I ever actually...?”

This, of course, prompted a bout of laughter from him. “Nope! But now I’m keeping an ear out for it!”

Pike’s shoulders slumped at that. ‘Great.’

From there, Cake showed them to their small baking station in the back. It was one of six, each hosting a different couple or herd, and all of them had a view of the front, where Cake would be instructing them. It was a fairly impressive set up, implying this couple’s class wasn’t the only one Cake Batter ran. Their little station came stocked, too! They were just basic tools and ingredients, but they were stocked nonetheless.

“Alright everypony,” called out Cake, having taken his place at the front of the room. “I’d just like to, again, welcome you all. It’s always nice to see so many mares trying to lessen their stallion’s burden.” In response, the room filled with appreciative ‘hmms’ from the stallions, and some minor grumbling from most of the mares.

“Since most of you probably aren’t that experienced, we’ll be starting easy. Today we’ll be making a full course dinner featuring: an appetizer of sauteed vegetables, a small portion of seared salmon for those of you with feathered family, a main course of hayburgers—” Out of the corner of her eye, Pike caught Anon’s almost imperceptible wince at the word ‘hayburgers.’ “—and finishing up with a lovely chocolate cake!”

A part of Pike was sincerely tempted to try to use this to get to the bottom of Anon’s hay hang up. But for now she’d much rather just enjoy the moment. Who knows? Perhaps an opportunity would present itself.

“So to begin, please pull out your skillet...”

Anonymous the unicorn continued to watch Pike; she’d really gotten in the zone.

“Is there any garlic in the spice cabinet Anon? I bet that would make the salmon really pop!”

She’d taken the lead pretty early on, and had been the head of their little kitchen ever since. Sure, her doing basically all the work might be defeating the purpose of them both coming here, but he didn’t really mind. Besides, he was still picking up quite a bit, even if she was getting all of the ‘hooves on’ experience.

“Found some!” he said as he passed her the spice.

“Yes! I’m telling you Anon, this’ll be great!” Honestly it was pretty cute to see her so into it. “Bada boom!” she said as she threw some on with a flourish.

As Anon watched his fillyfriend go to town, he heard someone walking up behind him. Turning his head, he saw Cake Batter, having come over to check on their progress. “My my, is that garlic I smell?”

“Yep,” replied Pike, “I hope you don’t mind that I added some. I just thought it would really add something, you know?”

“Not at all, that's why I stock those extra spices! Just in case some of my students are feeling creative.”

Pike let out a contented ‘hmm’ and continued to focus on the filet, while Cake turned his attention to Anon. “I must say Mr. Anonymous, you are very fortunate. In my experience it's very rare for a mare without a cooking related mark to take such an interest in learning how to help her stallion around the house.”

Well, really it was because neither of them had any idea how to cook anything beyond the basics.

...Buuuuut Anon saw no reason to tell him that. “Yeah, it’ll be nice to be able to double team dinner. We’re both just so tired after work.”

Suddenly recognition flashed in Cake’s eyes. “Work?” The stallion exclaimed with a gasp. “Oh my, I don’t suppose you’re the Anonymous of the Canterlot Canterer!?”

‘Oh no.’

Anon smiled nervously. “A-as a matter of fact, yes I am.”

“Oh my goodness! May I just say, my son and I LOVE reading your articles!”

‘Oh God please don’t ask about anything fashion related.’

“I would have never guessed that long sleeved coats were coming back into style! If you don’t mind me asking: who’s your source?”

‘Nobody; I made it up.’

“Haha, sorry Cake, a reporter never reveals his sources!”

“Oh pish posh. Come on, you can tell me! Just a secret between us guys.”

‘Please stop asking.’

“Sorry, Cake, I’m serious. They’d be really upset if I revealed them.”

For a brief moment, Anon was afraid he’d keep pushing, but after a pause, the baker let up.“Oh phooey! I suppose I’ll just have to wait for your next article, then.” Suddenly his attention was directed to one of the other workstations, which had suddenly began spewing black smoke. “Oh blast! Sorry to run dearie, but duty calls!” After giving the portly stallion a nod, he ran off to the poor mare who’d just burned the shit out of her filet.

Speaking of filets...

Carrying a plate in one wing, Pike reached out towards her coltfriend. “Aaaaaand, done! Come on Anon, have a bite!”

His mouth was already watering.

Nocturnal Pike had been (metaphorically) chewing through Cake’s instruction at a rapid pace. It was just so much fun! Mixing and matching ingredients, trying out new techniques, dreaming of the praise Anon would give her for doing such a good job with dinner… She felt like she was made for this. Of course Anon had been a big help too, having everything she could want or need at the ready. The two of them made such a good team that they’d even already placed the cake in the oven! So while that baked, that left her to make the last dish: hayburgers.

As she started them, Pike couldn’t help but notice that for somepony so seemingly averse to eating hay, Anon was really eyeing up those burgers. He hadn’t dared to take his eyes off the patties ever since she’d put them in the pan.

Maybe this was her chance.

“Those are some fine looking burgers aren’t they Anon?”

He continued staring at the patties. “Yeah...”

“Just imagine them when they’re ready. Covered in Equestrian cheese, topped with lettuce, onions, and tomato.”

“Yeah...”

“Why, you could probably eat two or three in one sitting.”

“Yeeeeeeah.”

‘Wow, he actually started salivating.’

“As soon as these are done, you and me are eating the heck out of these hayburgers.”

And just like that, the spell was broken. Anon closed his mouth, stepped back, and looked away. “A-actually I’m not that hungry. Maybe later tonight.”

‘Luna damn it!’

Was it the fact she’d called them hayburgers!?

“You sure? They’ll be much better fresh!”

“Yeah, I’m sure, '' Anon said, while refusing to look at either her or the burgers.

Pike had had enough of this; she was going to get to the bottom of this, and she was doing it tonight! Either Anon was going to give her the reason he didn’t eat hay, or he was eating those dang burgers!

“If you’re done salivating then, could you pass me the paprika?”

“Aaaaand violà!” Pike said, as she put the finishing touches on the cake.

Anon, looking at it with an appraiser’s eye, seemed pleased. “Looks like it turned out pretty good! Just like everything else really.”

She beamed with pride at the praise; look at how far she’d come in just one day! “Thanks Anon, I couldn’t have done it without you!”

“Ha! I doubt that.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! Without you I...” Just then it dawned on her that she didn’t actually let Anon do any of the cooking. She was the one at the stove the entire time, just giving him orders. “...Aw, well gee Anon. Sorry I hogged all the actual cooking.”

Good natured as always, he just waved it off. “Nah, it's fine. Besides, you were the one who wanted to do this to begin with.” While that was true, she still felt a little bad about it. “Plus, there’s nothing stopping us from just going over it again at home. I could even get us some aprons from Silken’s shop, that’d be fun.”

For some reason that idea tickled a certain part of Pike’s brain. She saw herself in a tight little apron that showed off her flanks, while Anon towered over her...

Shaking her head to clear those strange thoughts, she smiled. “Y-yeah, sounds good.”

Before the conversation could continue however, Cake drew everypony’s attention to the front of the room. “Alright, I see some of you have already finished up, if that’s the case, you’re free to go! Feel free to grab some to-go boxes for anything you didn’t eat, and again, thank you so much for coming!”

At that, Anon turned excitedly to her. “Wanna pick up some liquor on the way home? Have a cake and alcohol night?”

Pike grinned. “You bet I do.”

Anonymous the unicorn and Nocturnal Pike eventually, successfully returned home with their goods. The class took basically the whole day, so by the time they’d gotten home, the sunset was visible through the window. And what better time to have some drinks and eat some cake!

Placing the cake box on the kitchen table, Anon wasted no time pouring himself a glass of some Equestrian Kahlua knock-off and grabbed a cake cutting knife. He practically shivered with anticipation as he sunk the blade into the chocolatey goodness.

“And what do you think you’re doing?”

Freezing mid cut, he turned his head to the left to see a very stern looking Pike.

“Uhhhh, cutting the cake?”

Hopping up next to him, she revealed the other box they’d brought back from the class. “Not before you eat your dinner you don’t.”

Instantly putting two and two together, his heart froze as she placed the other take out box on the table. Whatever he was going to say in an attempt to put this off died on his lips as she popped open the lid, and his nose was flooded with the smell of burgers. Preserved by some charm Cake Batter put in the box, they smelled just as fresh as they did when she’d made them.

Putting one on a plate and passing it over to him, Pike gave him a smile that told the stallion she knew exactly what she was doing. “Well? Dig in!”

Oh how he wanted to. As it sat there right under his nose, he couldn’t deny the fact it smelled just like a regular burger. Every American bone in his body was screaming at him to take a bite out of that sucker.

But he couldn’t! IT'S HAY!

Mustering up all of his remaining will power, he pushed the plate to the side. “Pike... I can’t.”

‘It’s time to get to the bottom of this.’

“Anonymous, why? It's just hay—”

“THAT’S WHY!” he suddenly cried. “IT’S HAY! P-people don’t eat hay!”

Nocturnal Pike understood Anon’s dialect well enough that she knew by ‘people’ he meant ‘ponies.’ “Anonymous, that’s ridiculous! Ponies need hay, it’s a major food group!”

“It’s-it’s just not something I ate back home, alright? I know it's not really healthy for me to go without it, but just drop it. Please?”

‘No way am I going to drop it!’

What kind of bucked up culture keeps ponies from eating hay? Why would somepony—

Suddenly, something occurred to her. “...Anon, back home, did all ponies have coats as thin as yours is now?”

He seemed to ponder the question a bit, as if he was unsure what to say.

“...I-I guess so...”

In that moment, it all clicked. Pike had heard stories of stallions starving themselves because they thought it would make them more attractive. To think that Anon’s own culture would encourage him to do that! It broke her heart.

Anonymous really wasn’t sure where Pike’s line of questioning was going. This sense of confusion was only compounded, as she looked at him with newfound tears in her eyes. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Suddenly she hopped over and wrapped him in her hooves. “Oh, Anon! You don’t need to do this to yourself, you’ll always be handsome to me!”

It was obvious she’d misunderstood the situation, but nonetheless, he couldn’t help but feel comforted by her words amidst his troubled thoughts. “E-even if I was some freaky... ape thing?”

That got a chuckle out of her. “Anon, what are you talking about? Turning you into a freaky ape thing? Eating some hay isn’t going to change who you are.”

Anon stared wide eyed at Pike for several moments.

‘She’s right. Eating some hay isn’t going to change who I am.’

‘At this point I’m just holding onto the no hay thing, just for the sake of it.’

There was no real reason for him not to eat hay; hell, it was even making getting around in the winter a genuine ordeal.

‘It’s just... not worth it.’

Prying Pike off of himself, he turned his attention back to the burger. “Alright, alright. I’ll do it. But if I don’t like it you have to promise to leave me alone.”

Wiping the tears from her eyes, she nodded. “Okay.”

With that, he steeled himself. Picking up the burger in his spectral hands, he took a big old bite.

‘...’

‘Holy shit.’

Nocturnal Pike was starting to get worried. Anon actually took a bite of his burger, which was good! Great, even! But he’d just kind of been sitting there with the burger in his mouth for a couple of minutes. He’s also had this wide eyed look on his face.

‘Hey, wait a minute, are those tears!?’

“A-Anon? Are you alright?”

She could hear him whispering something through the mouthful of burger. “It’s... it’s...”

“It’s what, Anon!?”

“DELICIOUS!”

Pike could only stare as he went to town on his food. She’d never seen a pony eat a burger like that. He absolutely tore into it like a wild animal.

“Oh burger, how I missed you!”

Honestly this was starting to feel kind of filthy. Like, she was intruding on something extremely personal.

‘M-maybe I should go.’

But as she tried to leave the room, she felt herself get hoisted up. This time, she was the one getting pulled into Anon’s hooves. As he squeezed her tight, he rested his somehow not filthy chin on her head. “Thank you, Pike.”

Once again picking her up with his spectral hands, (‘Luna above, he already finished the burger!?’) he placed her back in the seat. “Now eat your dang burger, I’m dying to have some of this cake!”

Chapter 19

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Nocturnal Pike was faced with a tough choice. Tonight was poker night.

She hadn’t missed poker night in three years! Tonight, though, was different. While she may have been Pike’s least favorite princess, Princess Celestia had given her an assignment. An assignment that the thestral was going to take seriously, no matter how many times Anon insisted it was just a joke. This was her career on the line, after all! The assignment meant Anon couldn't leave Pike’s side, which left her with two options: either skip out on poker night, or bring Anon.

And Pike was not missing poker night.

So there she was, seated across from Astral at the usual table. Anon was off getting the two of them drinks, and Astral was giving Pike the lashing of a lifetime.

“I cannot believe you brought him to gals night.”

Checking over the mostly empty bar to make sure Anon didn’t hear that, Pike fired right back. “Oh buck off. He said the two of you hit it off!”

“That doesn’t mean you should bring him to gals night! That’s like, the first rule of gals night! No. Stallions!”

Rolling her eyes, Pike pulled a deck of cards and began the preparatory shuffle. “He’s not even going to be at the table.”

Astral, looking like Pike had just said she’d raped a colt, leaned over the table to get right in her face. “He’s WHAT!? Pike are you insane!? I get that he’s a janefilly, but you seriously told him he had to come to the bar with you, but he couldn’t sit with you!?”

Pike just groaned and shoved Astral back into her seat. “No. HE said that HE didn’t want to ‘buck up the table’s vibe’ so he’d invite some friends to go drinking with. See? It’s perfect!”

Despite how air tight the plan was, Astral still looked at Pike like she should be sectioned. “If you end up sleeping on the couch tonight, I don’t want to hear you complain about it once.”

“As if I’d ever be that much of a bitch-er, bastard,” chimed in a voice from over Pike’s shoulder.

Turning her head, she saw the stallion himself, Anon, returning with three... somethings, in his telekinetic grip. As Pike took one from him, she took a peek at the label.

’Kirin Beer?’

Pike glanced back up at her coltfriend. “What the heck is this?”

Anon likewise turned to look at one of the floating bottles. “That stuff Kirins make. Apparently it's all the bar has, and is going to have, for the next several weeks at least.”

Which reminded her... “Say Astral, what happened with all of that? I’ve been pretty out of the loop.”

Astral, taking a beer herself, cracked a smile at Pike’s question. “You’ll have to ask Night Sky; she can tell you all about it.”

Pike frowned. “Did you pass all the work onto her, you bitch?” She certainly hoped not; Night probably had enough on her plate as is.

Astral gasped in mock indignation. “Of course not! Just most of it. I’m a slacker, not a sadist.” Suddenly, something directed her attention to something behind PIke’s head. “Oh! Speaking of...”

Turning around in her chair, Pike saw what caught Astral’s attention: the arrival of Night Sky.

Anon, seeing Night’s arrival as well, decided to take his leave. “And that’s my cue.” Giving his fillyfriend a quick peck on the cheek, Anon whispered in her ear. “Clean these bas- bitches out."

Returning his peck, Pike replied in kind. “You bet your sweet flank I will.”

It had taken Anonymous the unicorn a while but he’d found himself the perfect table. It was a semi-circular booth situated in a corner of the bar that should be relatively conducive to conversation, while also being within eyesight of Pike’s table. So, settling in, he prepared for the wait until Silken and Cut showed up. Which thankfully, was not very long.

He’d only been there a few minutes before the first of his two friends, Cut N. Paste, walked in the front door—tailed by someone who looked suspiciously a lot like her—except she was a bat! A bat that was busy making her way over to Pike’s table, while Cut made her way over to his. She did mention at one point she had a sister in the guard; it’s a small world, he supposed.

Waving her down, it didn’t take long for Anon’s coworker to make her way over to him. “H-hey Anon.”

“Hey Cut! Come on, have a seat. I hope you like beer.”

She chuckled nervously as she slid in across from him. “I’ve uh, never had it.”

He smirked. “Well, that's all they got.” Gesturing over toward Pike’s poker table, Anon pointed out Cut’s batty doppelganger. “Is that your sister over there?”

“Yeah, she’s here to play poker with her squad. Why?”

“My fillyfriend is her boss.”

Cut inhaled sharply, shocked at this revelation. “Your fillyfriend is Nocturnal Pike!? The s-stallionizer!?”

‘A stallionizer!?’

‘Pike’s not a stallionizer!’

Or, he supposed, she wasn’t anymore. But, she had been neck deep in that whole macho-mare lifestyle before she met him.

“The very same.”

Judging by the earth pony’s shocked expression, Cut seemed somewhat distressed at this revelation. It seemed her sister’s description of the mare had left quite an impression.

Cut glanced at their table. “Wait, why aren’t you over there sitting with her then?”

“Well, I’m technically not allowed to leave her sight, on account of the whole ‘I broke into the castle’ thing, and I neither wanted to crash her poker game nor keep her from it. So, here we are!”

At the mention of what probably should have counted as a felony, Cut’s face lit up. “Oh yeah! I uh, edited your article today Anon. I-it was really good!”

Considering all he’d gone through to write it, he would hope so. “Thanks, Cut! Think it’ll make the front page?”

Her smile got brighter. “Considering Celestia still hasn’t released an official statement? Absolutely.”

Nocturnal Pike turned her attention away from Anon and the chubby mare he was sitting with, and focused on what mattered right now: The Table. The other two players for the evening had, at that point, arrived; it was time to begin.

“Tonight’s game is Appleloosan Hold ‘Em.”

With Night and Astral to Pike’s left, followed by Cloak and Rookie on her right, she started dealing the cards.

Passing the first card directly to her left, to Night, Pike saw that she’d fixed her with a scathing glare. “You know, Pike, I’m a little offended.”

Continuing to look at her, Pike passed the next card to Astral. “Why’s that?”

“We’ve been friends for so long, yet you wouldn’t even let me in on the fact you’ve gotten a serious coltfriend?”

The card she was going to pass to Cloak fell limply out of her hoof.

‘Oh buck.’

It seemed her secret was out. Astral was already facehoofing, while Cloak was cheering triumphantly. “HA! I knew it!” she cried.

“Really,” replied Night, “you knew?”

“Well it was either that, or Sarge had been replaced with a filly-fiddling shapeshifter.”

Pike picked up the dropped card and passed it to Cloak, tactically ignoring her statement. “How’d you find out, Night?”

“Sepulcher, of all ponies, told me. Said Celestia gave you some ‘time off with your coltfriend’ after the Kirin disaster.”

At the mention of the Kirin, all the other mares burst out laughing. Night shook her head. “Oh mare, what a mess.”

Astral, having pulled the hoof from her face, turned Pike’s way. “Hey, you got to see Sparkle blow up, right? How was that?”

It was pretty terrifying if Pike was being honest. But she was not going to be honest. “It was hilarious, I thought she was going to catch fire too!”

That got another laugh out of the gathered mares, one that Pike (weakly) participated in that time.

“Aw mare,” piped up Rookie, “you got to see that and skip out on the fallout? You’re one lucky bitch, Sarge.”

Passing the last of the hole cards out, Pike began flipping the community cards. “So how exactly did that all turn out?”

This time, Night Sky was the one to facehoof. “An absolute nightmare. They’re still renegotiating.”

Flipping the third and final community card, the game began.

‘Hmmmm.’ A six, a three, and a jill.

While Pike held a prince and a three.

‘Let’s see how long I can ride this pair of threes.’

Night, being the one sitting to her left, opened boldly by tossing in five bits. “I was starting to suspect the Princesses would give up and send them back, but apparently the Kirin are as desperate as they are angry.”

If Anon’s interview notes were any indication, they had no idea.

Astral, having taken a sip from her ‘Kirin Beer,’ called Night’s bet. “I heard that part of that renegotiation is why all we’ve got to drink are these. Something about, ‘supporting Kirin owned enterprises to show solidarity amongst tribes.’”

Cloak, keeping a close eye on everyponies’ expressions, called as well. “How are those, by the way?”

Astral took another, longer sip of the beer and smacked her lips. “Tastes like bread.”

Suddenly reminded that she too had a beer, Pike took a sip herself while Rookie folded.

‘Huh, it does taste like bread.’

Cloak glanced Rookie’s way. “Come on Rook, already folding?”

Throwing down her ten and two, Rookie shrugged. “Just got a bad hoof.”

Calling Night’s bet, Pike flipped the next card.

A seven.

She doubted she could win on a pair of threes, but maybe she could bluff her way through.

Or maybe not; Night definitely had something. She just bet a whopping ten bits! “Did you hear though? Celestia’s making Sparkle do some ‘sensitivity training.’”

A loud sigh from Cloak pulled the table’s attention over to her. “Sparkle’s not the only one.”

Astral had the world’s largest manure eating grin as she called Night’s bet. “Oh, you too, Cloak? Let me guess, was it the manifesto?”

Cloak, in a rare moment of anger, slammed her hooves on the table, unintentionally revealing her prince and ace. “It’s not a manifesto!”

Meanwhile Night, Astral, and Pike all burst out laughing, while Rookie just looked around in confusion. After a fews minutes of laughing so hard it puts tears in Pike’s eyes, Rookie elbowed her.

“Uh, Sarge? What manifesto?”

Calming her laughter just enough, Pike managed to get her query out. “What did you call it Cloak? ‘Industrial Society and Its Future?’”

“No no no,” piped up Night, “that wouldn’t have done it. Must have been one of the times you gave your opinions on Griffonstone.”

Cloak, having noticed she’d revealed her cards, angrily stood up. “Fold. I’m getting a drink.”

Rookie eagerly joined in. “Oh, me too!”

As the two of them marched off, that made it Pike’s bet.

‘Time to bluff.’

“I raise you five more bits.”

The two remaining at the table ‘oooh’ed and ‘ahhhh’ed.

Night smirked. “Playing teatsy tonight are we? I’ll call that.”

“Same,” Astral said, tossing her bits on the table.

‘Buck.’

It was time to flip the final card. Reaching down to the deck, Pike hoped for a good draw.

A prince!

‘Oh, I’ve got this in the bag.’

Looking away from the cards, Pike glanced up at her tablemates. “So, you think anything else will come of that disaster?”

Night replied to the new card by nonchalantly tossing in another five bits. “Probably another week of negotiations at least.”

Astral, after taking another look at her cards, did the same. “I heard the crown’s hoofing the bill for a bunch of Kirin to move straight here, and we’re going to be building a new train line that goes up the mountain to Kirin Grove.”

Considering what Pike had, she felt pretty confident with upping the bet again. Tossing in ten bits, she shook her head. “I hope Celestia takes it out of Sparkle’s allowance.”

Night, taking a look at Pike’s bet and the mare herself, smiled. “You’re bluffing. I raise to fifteen.”

Astral, taking another look at her cards, turned her head up and sighed. “I fold.”

‘And then there were two.’

If it wasn’t for that prince sitting on the table, Pike would be feeling a lot less cocky. As things stood though? Pike met Night’s gaze with a smile of her own. “I call.”

Adding another five bits to the pile, she waited to see what Night Sky would do.

“Hmm, it’s only the first hoof; I’ll stay.”

Glancing at her personal bit pile, Pike tapped the table to stay as well, signaling the end of betting.

Night looked her way. “Alright, Pike. Let’s see those cards.”

Dropping them on the table, she savored the sight of Night’s smile falling off her face. “Two pairs, prince and threes.”

A declaration that caused the mare to throw her hooves up in exasperation. “Buck me! Pair of jills.”

Reaching across the table to (barely) get her hooves around the pot, Pike laughed.

‘Oh yeah, I’ve got a good feeling about tonight.’

Silken Evening had been at the booth for quite some time now. Things were going much better than they could have gone. Upon her arrival, it had become extremely obvious that Anon didn’t actually bother to find out if she and his other friend, Cut, N. Paste, had anything in common before inviting them both out. But luckily for the three of them, Silken and Cut had one very big thing in common: they were both Blue-trixies.

“Yeah, my one blue deck lets me summon infinite 1/1 tokens that, after one turn, can do infinite damage.”

Cut took on a vicious grin. “Oh that is disgusting! I love it!”

Anon, struggling to keep up with the conversation, spoke up. “Wait wait, you said this game is called ‘Cyber: The Assembly’ right?”

Silken nodded. “Yeah.”

The big colt smiled. “Ha! If that's what I think it is, back home we called it ‘Magic: The Gathering’!”

Cut did an honest to Celestia spit take at that, with a look of utter disgust on her face. “Ugh, I’m sorry Anon, but what is it with your home country and having stupid localizations for everything? Power RANGERS, STAR TREK, and now this?”

‘Star Trek?’

Silken had to ask. “What the heck is a Star Trek?”

Cut, who’d become a lot more animated after her fifth beer, swung around to look at her. “Don’t even get me started. For some reason, his home decided to make ‘Sea Trot’ take place in space! The E.U.S. Enterprise is a SPACE ship!”

‘What.’

“No way. That’s not real.”

“Yep,” Anon cut in. “Minus some name and gender changes, it's the exact same show but in space.”

Cut threw up her hooves. “Unbelievable.”

Anon, after taking a generous swig from his bottle, spoke up again. “Ok, but what I want to know is, why’s it still called the Enterprise? We called it that after one of our warships.”

That had Silken shaking her head. She thought incoming citizens had to be tested on Equestrian history! “It was named after the explorer Captain Chase ‘Em’s ship, the Enterprise.”

Despite what she’d said being a historical fact, he looked confused and unconvinced. “What? Jason’s ship was called the Argo!”

“Sweet Celestia!” interjected Cut, “Not even historical events are safe!”

To be honest, Silken found herself feeling similarly. What a bizarre, and thoroughly massive waste of time; what whimsy could have even prompted the need for such extensive ‘localizations?’ Did a stallion run his country or something?

Wait... did a stallion run his country?

For somepony who’d said a lot about home, Anon sure hadn’t actually told her anything about his home.

“Say Anon, where are you actually from again?”

Interestingly, a look of panic crossed his face. “Uh, the United States?”

Silken and Cut shared a look at that one—a look of confusion.

Cut, eventually, spoke up. “...I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.”

Anon, looking increasingly sweaty, stammered out an answer. “Y-you wouldn’t. It's out west. Way way way out west.”

Silken eyed him quizzically. “Past Labyrinthia?”

Anon’s eyes have started rapidly shifting between the two of them. “Oh absolutely.”

“Really? Because I thought past Labyrinthia wa-”

“Oop,” he said, suddenly standing up. “IGottaPeeRealQuickHoldThatThought.”

By the time Silken had even figured out what he was saying, he was gone.

It seemed that early win had lulled Nocturnal Pike into a false sense of security.

Because she was down.

A lot.

“Aw, what’s the matter, Pike? Down on your luck?” Astral mocked.

“Quit jinxing it, Astral!” cried Night. “I don’t need to tell you how many times we’ve lost to her!”

This was getting her nowhere; Pike needed to recollect herself and rethink her strategy. “I’m taking a piss, feel free to play a hoof without me.”

Hopping off her chair and heading the restroom’s way, she began thinking up a strategy.

‘Hmmm, Rookie’s inexperienced, and seemingly only bets if she’s actually got cards.’ Maybe she could work with that.

As Pike lifted a hoof to push open the door, a sudden voice to her side distracted her. “Well hey there, stranger.”

Looking over, she saw a sight for sore eyes. “Hey there, Anon.”

Like the dutiful stallion he was, he picked up on her mood almost immediately. “Aw, now don’t tell me you lost our kid’s college fund.”

Chuckling, Pike gave him a playful little shove. “That's our foal's college fund. And, no. I’m just on a losing streak.”

He looked her up and down. “A losing streak that’ll almost certainly continue if you go back out there feeling as down as you look.”

‘Darn, he’s right.’

Poker was a mental game, after all; she just had to focus on improving her mental state. She should be thinking about something happy like...

‘...Like the feeling of Anon’s balls slapping against my flank.’

It appeared while she was deep in thought, he’d taken a rather raunchy position directly over her. When he spoke, she could feel the vibrations of his baritone voice throughout her body. “You know, I think I’ve got just the thing to cheer you up...”

Chapter 20

View Online

Cloud Garrison found herself taking a quick piss in this seedy restroom stall. The reedy young pegasus mare and her friends had come out here to celebrate her graduation from flight school, and she was really looking forward to—

Her thoughts came to a crashing halt as the restroom door slammed open.

‘Celestia above!’

She knew the mare who’d barged in couldn’t see her scalding gaze through the stall door, but she deserved to feel it! What could have gotten her so excited that she needed to slam open the restroom door like that?

That’s when she realized she could hear two sets of hooves on the tile.

‘Wait a second... oh no!’

The door being thrown open, the two sets of hooves awkwardly shuffling around outside? Were these two ponies fighting!?

‘Oh jeez, what are the chances!’

Thankfully they didn’t loiter in the common area and entered the stall next to her instead.

‘Maybe I can make a break for it—’

Something hit the wall of the stall the two of them went into. It sounded kind of hard, too...

‘What if something bad happened? I can’t just leave!’

Cloud spoke up. “H-hello? Are you okay in there?”

Straining her ear, her only answer was a shuddering breath. Then a series of thuds began. They sounded almost... rhythmic?

Then finally, much to her shock,—and shamefully, arousal—a stallion's voices echoed from the other side of the wall. “You hear that, hon? They can hear you.”

“Mmmmmf.”

‘Those thuds…’

‘Th-they’re not fighting at all! They’re...!’

“You love that she can hear us, don’t you? I bet you wish she’d open the door and see you like this. All small and submissive, like the little mare you are.”

Cloud felt she shouldn’t be here for this. The sensation of her wings involuntarily extending only hastened her decision to leave.

Astral Blade tapped a hoof impatiently. What was taking Pike so long?! She’d already missed three hooves, and Night was about to deal the next! She only went for a piss, what could possibly be the hold up—

‘Hold on…’

Astral sniffed the air, as a very peculiar smell hit her nose. A smell that was gradually growing stronger. The others noticed it too, slowing both their chatter and the game. Curious, she turned her head to follow the scent, only to find the trail led to an approaching Pike.

It was then Astral realized just what that scent was.

‘No way, she didn’t!’

But Astral’s nose didn’t lie; she did.

“Pike, you animal! Did you fuck your coltfriend in the restroom stall!?”

While the smell—that she was now certain was sex—had previously slowed the game down, that outburst brought it to a screeching halt.

Every eye at the table turned to Pike, who surprisingly cringed under the attention. “Um... no?”

Astral pointed an accusing hoof at the sergeant. “You totally did!”

At that, the table burst into laughter, and various other reactions.

“WHAT!? How did I not know he was here!?” cried Cloak.

“You’re incorrigible,” lamented Night.

“Aw he didn’t make you be the one to lay on the bathroom floor, did he Sarge? I hate when my stallion does that...” chimed in Rookie (Astral couldn’t lie; that one left her a little concerned).

Pike meanwhile, just sheepishly retook her spot at the table. “Yeah okay, turns out we were both headed to the bathroom at the same time and... well...”

Before she could say another word, Astral reached over and gave her a slap on the back. “Pike, you lucky bitch.”

Anonymous had, after a deliciously dirty tryst, just returned to his table. Hopping on to his seat, he gave a smile that only a man who’d just plowed his girlfriend could give. “So, what were we talking about again?”

Only to be met with Cut and Silken’s best owl impressions. At first, that didn’t really bother him, but it got old after what felt like five minutes of wide eyed staring. Seeing as they seemed unwilling to break the awkward silence themselves, he decided to take matters into his own hooves.

“Uhhhh, what’s up?”

The act of speaking seemingly startled them out of whatever trance they were in, and Silken’s look turned into one of disappointment. “Anon, you didn’t.”

‘What does she mean? Didn’t what?’

‘Wait... oh fuck they can smell it can’t they.’

He laughed nervously, with a sheepish grin. “Hahaaaaaa, whatcha talking about, Silken?”

Sighing, she just shook her head like a disapproving parent. “I can’t believe you let your fillyfriend buck you in a bathroom stall.”

‘Wha- HEY! I resent that!’

“I’ll have you know I didn’t let her do anything! I was the one doing the fucking!”

Silken seemed surprised by his word choice, but before she could ask him to elaborate, Cut threw her face into her hooves and cried out, “Why can’t I find a coltfriend who let’s me do that? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!?”

‘Aw, poor Cut.’

His heart went out to her. It seemed that nerds having love trouble was a universal constant after all. Deciding to give her some support, he started heading towards her side to commiserate over the—’JESUS CHRIST!’

As he’d approached Cut to give her a supportive hoof, he noticed just how many empty beers surrounded her. It had to be at least twenty five! Those things weren’t pisswater either! ...Probably!

‘How is this mare still conscious!?’

She’d definitely need a comforting hoof after drinking this much... and maybe a horse ambulance.

“Come on Cut,” he said as he patted her on the back, “you're a great mare! I’m sure you’ll find someon—somepony. All you’ve got to do is go out and actually ask. Which granted is pretty hard, but that’s just your best option.”

His words were at least enough to get her to pull head out of her hooves and look at him.

‘Aw man.’ It really must have been eating at her; he could see tears in her eyes. “Y-you really... think so?”

“Of course! That’s how I met Pike after all, she just randomly approached me and introduced herself! At this very bar, no less.”

Strangely, she turned her head to look at Pike and got a look that seemed a little less than friendly. “Is that so?”

It’d been a few hooves, and it turned out that Nocturnal Pike’s and Anon’s ‘stress relief’ session was just what she’d needed to turn the game around—but not for the reasons she’d expected.

“Night,” said Cloak, “I think I’ve got it figured out. There’s a stallion sitting at the left end of the bar...”

Night, only barely paying attention to the game at that point, turned to where Cloak was pointing. “Nah, can’t be him. Pike likes tall guys, remember?.”

The mares had been so distracted trying to figure out who Pike’s coltfriend was (except for Astral—she was distracted because she was laughing so hard) that their playing had tanked.

“Hey, Night?” Pike said, hoping to just keep the game moving.

Which apparently worked, as her attention snapped back to her for just long enough to shoot out a “huh? Oh, I fold,” before she went back to gawking. Ha! She hadn’t even looked at what the last flipped card was!

‘I’m cleaning these poor bitches out!’

“Come on Sarge,” whined Rookie, “can’t you just tell us who he is?”

Taking one look at how her pile of bits has grown, Pike let herself laugh out loud. “Hahaha! Nope!”

Although, the fact that Rookie was the only one still in did give her an idea… Was she willing to risk her advantage on mere curiosity, though? Taking a quick glance at her hoof (‘oooh, it's good’) Pike figured the risk was worth it.

“Actually, I’ll make you a bet, Rookie. If you win this hoof, I’ll tell everypony who my coltfriend is.”

Her eyes lit up at that; clearly she had some decent cards. “Alright Sarge, I-”

“Up, up, up, let me finish. If I win, you have to tell everypony what you did that made Blueblood hate you so much.”

Rookie’s face turned a deep red at that. For a moment Pike was pretty sure she was actually about to turn it down, but unfortunately for her...

“Take the bet, Rookie!” Shouted Night.

“I NEED to know!” Cloak affirmed.

...the other two mares at the table had overheard.

Rookie, mustering all the bravado she could, shot Pike a shaky smile. “Okay, okay! Y-you’re on Sarge!”

‘Aha! Big mistake!’

“Then show me your cards.”

Suddenly gaining a burst of misplaced confidence, she threw down her cards. “I’ve got three princes! Ha! Beat that, Sergeant!”

‘Ahhhh, I’m about to ruin this rookie’s night.’

Gently placing her cards down, Pike put the world’s largest manure eating grin on her face. “Flush of spades; read ‘em and weep, rookie.”

Rookie’s mouth hung open. “WHAT!? AGAIN?”

The other two cried out in wordless frustration, having lost their chance at their question being answered, while Astral just continued to laugh. “Pfffft, hahahahaa! Talk about a throwback!”

Leaning forward, Pike put the rapidly paling Rookie on the spot. “Well, Rook? What’s the deal?”

Her eyes darted around the room, as if she was worried somepony was lurking in the corners of her vision. “Uh uh uh.”

At that point the other mares had stopped their lamenting and guffawing, and smelled the blood in the water. Night smirked devilishly. “I am the one making the schedules Rookie, it’s imperative I know.”

Cloak dug her wing-claws in as well. “Has he chosen you as his next blood sacrifice?! I heard the blood of mares is what keeps his coat so shiny!”

“Come on spit it out already!” Astral insisted.

There was visible panic on Rookie’s face as her eyes darted around the table. “Uh uh UH!”

“Come on Rook,” Pike said, glancing back to her winning cards. “A bet’s a bet.”

Rookie was a stuttering mess. “We- we!”

Astral rolled her eyes. “Oh come on! How bad could it possibly b-”

“We’re seeing each other!”

Stunned silence fills the table, and Pike was right there with them.

As soon as what Rookie said clicked, Pike couldn’t help but cry out, “You, a night guard, are bucking Celestia’s nephew?!

Rookie sheepishly looked away. “I-I’m not supposed to tell ponies, but... yeah.”

There was another brief moment of silence as what she said truly set in.

Then everypony at the table erupted into cheers.

Pike immediately closed the distance and gave her a congratulatory wing slap right on the back. “Hot dang! Sounds like you’re moving up in the world, Rookie!”

A similarly jovial Astral called out, “Ey barkeep! Another round of drinks over here, on me!”

Surprisingly, Rookie didn’t share everypony else’s enthusiasm. “I guess...”

Suddenly Cloak shot forward, leaning out of her chair to get what Pike would describe as uncomfortably close to Rookie. “How long is his cock?”

Night facehoofed at that one. “Luna above, Cloak!”

Cloak looked back over her shoulder to shoot the sergeant a scathing glare. “What?! It's the only piece of information missing from my physical profile! What if he gets replaced by a changeling but the changeling didn’t know his penis length!? How will we—”

Pike had heard well enough of that. Standing up in her chair and shoving Cloak back into hers with an “Enough,” she turned her attention back to Rookie. “So Rookie, tell me, how’d you manage to bag the most exclusive stallion in Canterlot?”

She started awkwardly twiddling her hooves, and somehow managed to look even more nervous than before. “W-well on that first day he s-started flirting with me, and well you know, you can’t say no to Blueblood, so I played along. Then one thing led to another, and well, the next thing I knew I was hoofcuffed to the bed and he was calling me his ‘naughty little filly.’”

Much like before, the table fell silent.

Astral was the first to crack, letting out a snort. Eventually, all the mares were laughing hysterically. “No bucking way! Seriously?”

Rookie, finally cracking a smile herself, shook her head. “Nah, we just talked for a while and he cried an awful lot. I guess most noble mares are just in it for his looks.”

Considering her own past encounters with the Prince, Pike was admittedly skeptical that there was more to him than his looks.

Rookie looked around at the mares nervously. “He- he could get in big trouble if his Aunt finds out though, so please don’t tell anypony else. He really is a sweet guy.”

‘A sweet guy? Blueblood!?’

‘No way!’

But before Pike could speak up and contest that, she heard the sound of stomping. Turning her head, she saw a very angry looking earth pony on the approach.

‘Hey... is that Cloak’s sister?’

The closer she got, the surer Pike was that it was her, and the surer the thestral was that the earth pony was headed right for her. Just as she reached her, Pike heard Cloak call from over her shoulder. “Uhhh hey Cut, what’s up?”

And that’s when Cut jammed her hoof into Pike’s chest. “WHAT’S UP!? I-I’ll tell you what’s up! YOU, PIKE! I know the kind of mare you are! I know you just picked Anon up at a bar like one of your conquests! B-but he’s one of the sweetest colts I’ve ever met! So you better treat him RIGHT or y-you’re in f-for a wallop!”

At the end of her diatribe, Pike just kind of sat there, stunned.

‘I mean, what the buck?’

As she sat there though, she noticed something: earth pony or not, it was a miracle that mare was standing up. Her breath reeked of alcohol, and she was obviously swaying unsteadily on her hooves.

‘Dang, she is sloshed! No wonder she’s so willing to make a flank of herself!’

‘Speaking of which…’

”Ok, SIMP!” cried Astral.

And before Pike knew it, the other mares were swept up in laughter once again.

“Luna almighty sis, I can’t take you anywhere!” Cloak said, shaking her head.

Night huffed. “How embarrassing.”

Pike, meanwhile, felt kind of bad. Knowing Cloak, this pony had probably heard the exaggerated versions of many of her previous hookups. If she really was a friend of Anon’s, Pike supposed being concerned for him after hearing all those stories was understandable. She did seem a few steps beyond ‘concerned for her friend,’ though.

There was only one way to find out for sure.

“Why are you so concerned about my relationship with Anon anyway? What, trying to be our beta or something?”

With an almost fighting clarity, all traces of Cut’s drunkenness instantly vanished, and she answered with a look on her face that suggested nothing but absolute seriousness.

“Yes.”

‘Bingo!’

All the other mares let out another laugh, and out of the corner of her eye, Pike caught Cloak facehoofing. “For the love of the moon, sis, PLEASE quit SIMPing!”

‘What a way to accidentally confess your love; she didn’t even do it to the right pony!’

Speaking of, the sound of hurried shuffling drew Pike’s attention over Cut’s shoulder. It appeared Anon was following her from his table, but unfortunately, not fast enough to stop her from getting to theirs. By the time he’d arrived, he’d realized something had already gone down.

“Aw, jeez. I’m really sorry hun, me and Silken definitely should have stopped her like ten beers ago.”

Pike could hear Cloak shout, “The bucking stallion reporter!? WHAT!?” but she figured it was best to save that for later. Cut did, technically, ask to join their herd, so she supposed she ought to get Anon’s opinion.

“Aw, it's no big deal. She just wanted to ask me something is all.”

Pike’s intentionally vague statement did nothing to wipe the concern off Anon’s face. It was those little moments of teasing him that were the sweetest.

“Uhhh, ask you what?”

“If she could be our beta.”

She’d expected Cut to swivel around to hear Anon’s answer, but apparently whatever second wind she’d gathered had long since worn off. She was back to swaying in place while her eyes focused on nothing. A shame; drunk or not, what she did took some teats.

“Well?”

Anon seemed hesitant. “...Well what?”

“Is she our new beta?”

Now, as every filly learns when they’re young, there is a finite set of answers a stallion gives when posed with that question.

Anon’s, however, was not one of them.

“What the hell is a beta?”

All the remaining laughter at the table was instantly silenced.

Pike, stunned, just stared at him. “Anon.... what do you mean, ‘what is a beta’?”

The stallion paled, seemingly realizing he’d just said something terrible. “Aha... well, you see... PIKE LOOK AN APE-ALIEN!”

Despite knowing that it was almost certainly a trick, she felt overwhelmingly compelled to look over her shoulder anyway. “What the heck is an ape-alien?”

But as she turned back towards him, she was met with a very concerning sight. Anon had managed to pick himself up by his own weird magic hand-things and— ‘oh sweet Luna he just THREW HIMSELF OUT AN OPEN WINDOW!’

“YEET! WellitsBeenFunHonButIgottaGoSeeYouAtHome!” he called back as he ran into the night.

“Anon, get back here!” Pike cried as she rapidly gathered up her winnings. Once she was pretty sure she’d scooped most of her bits into her bag, she bid a hasty goodbye to the gals. “See you next week, bye!”

Turning around and running out the door, she just barely caught a glimpse of them waving back, and Cut hurling her oats all over the floor, as an audibly distressed Cloak cried out, “CUT NO!”

Chapter 21

View Online

Nocturnal Pike was happily enjoying the fruits of her labors. The two of them may have only woken up about an hour or so ago but, seeing as it's the weekend, she and Anon had decided to pass the time in a time honored winter tradition: lying on the couch and snuggling.

Anon had found himself sandwiched between herself and the couch, while she’d pressed herself as deep into his fuzz as she could go. After he’d become slightly addicted to hay, there was actually a lot of fuzz to snuggle into. She’d be a fool to complain about it though, because she remembered what many mares had forgotten: unicorns are the tribe of the mountains, and mountains get cold. Cold mountains means fuzzy coats, and Anon had fuzzed up with a vengeance.

Letting out a contented ‘hm,’ Pike snuggled further into Anon’s soft, soft grip.

‘Ahhh yes, truly this moment is perfect…’

‘...perfect to spring my trap!’

“So Anon, last night, what did you mean by ‘what is a beta?’”

She smiled evilly as she felt his body against her back go ramrod stiff. Last night he’d gotten away with avoiding the question by pretending to already be asleep by the time she’d gotten home (she’d spotted him when he opened his eyes when he’d thought she wasn’t looking).

But here, now? She had him pinned.

Literally.

Smiling smugly to herself, Pike settled in and waited for an answer.

‘...’

‘Aaaaany time now.’

‘...’

‘Any time.’

‘...’

‘Ok, so that’s how it's going to be.’

Spinning around to face him directly, she gave him an accusatory poke right in the chest. “Come on Anon, you seriously don’t know what a beta is!? How!? I’ve even told you about my family before!”

His eyes briefly searched for a way out, but eventually he let out a resigned sigh, understanding that he needed to confront this. “Ok, this is going to sound kind of mean... but I really thought that was just a thing your family did.”

‘What!?’

“Why would you think that?”

Realizing he’d said something wrong, an increasingly nervous look blossomed on his face. “W-well you always talked about how your family were very ‘orthodox believers of Luna’! So I just figured you were like Mormons!”

Deciding that was enough snuggling—for this was a serious discussion—, Pike fully extracted herself from his forelegs in order to hop off the couch and stand up to her full height, giving him a glare the whole time. A glare that he instantly caught the meaning of.

“Right, you don’t know what a Mormon is. Okay, fact is I never actually expected somepony else to ask to be in our relationship.” He’d spoken with finality, but that raised a whole lot more questions than it offered answers.

Did that mean that in his culture, monogamy was the norm? How!? Did they have some magical cure that evened out the ratio of stallions to mares born?

No, there was a much more plausible answer here.

He was bucking with her.

‘Can’t he play it straight with me for once?’

“You know, Anon, I’m kind of getting sick of this.” She didn’t like the look of worry that showed up on his face, but it at least proved she was getting through to him.

He rapidly sat up, and Pike could hear the quiver in his voice. “Wh-what do you mean hon? Sick of what?”

She sighed, exasperated. “Every time we start talking about your home, it gets to the point where you either stonewall me, or just tell me a bold faced lie.”

“I’m not lying—!”

“Then how is it possible for a pony to come from a culture where herding is unheard of? Did your country somehow solve the gender ratio issue?”

“N-no....”

It was around then Pike realized her voice had unintentionally been steadily getting louder. “Then how the heck could a culture of ponies survive if they’re monogamous!?”

“BECAUSE WE’RE NOT PONIES!”

The two of them sat in mutually stunned silence.

‘...What?’

Anon's mouth hung open in shock. “We- I’m not..."

His breath shuddered. "...Oh God.”

Pike had been caught completely off guard. Sure, she could’ve just assumed he was still lying, but... the look on his face...

Terror. Pure, undiluted terror.

Like he’d just said something that shouldn’t be said at all costs.

As she tried to scrounge up some sort of response, he croaked out a pleading whisper. For the first time she'd ever known him, he wasn't bold or confident; he was timid and afraid.

“P-please don’t leave me.”

He’d started shaking, and tears were flowing freely from his eyes.

It cut right to her heart.

Before he could say another word, she launched herself straight back into his forehooves, which he wrapped around her without a second thought. She’d expected him to start sobbing, but he seemingly wouldn't allow it. He just sat there, holding her tightly with heaving breaths and squeezing her just a little more with every exhale. But, eventually the dam broke, and she could feel a few hot tears fall onto her withers and streak through her coat as he quietly wept.

Eventually, Pike pulled back just enough to look him in his tear streaked eyes, and gave him a reassuring smile. “Why don’t you start at the beginning, Anon?”

Nocturnal Pike had been sitting with Anon on the couch for awhile now, letting the stallion tell her his life story. Not the abridged one he usually gave, but the whole thing.

“...and that's the long and short of it; that’s when we met at the bar,” he concluded.

Sitting there, Pike had to admit it was quite a fantastical tale. At first, she honestly didn’t believe him. However, the longer he talked, the more things started to make sense: his bizarre homeland, his unpony mannerisms, the extremely strange circumstances of his arrival, and that weird story Celestia told; it was all starting to come together.

And, if she gave it some honest thought… was it really that unusual of a thing to happen, compared to the kind of stuff that went down in Equestria every day? Compared to his homeland though, the events of his life were totally unheard of. They didn’t have demons, or chaos gods. The absolute strangest thing that could happen to one of his people, would seem extremely mundane to a pony.

‘No wonder he was so terrified of telling me.’

If Pike had been sent to his world and turned into a ‘human’, nothing good would have come of telling anypony.

It was a fear that Anon clearly still held. Despite how many times she’d stepped in to reassure him that she wouldn’t leave him and that she believed him, he was still the picture of anxiety. He kept shooting furtive glances her way, and his posture was strangely hunched, almost as if he wanted to curl up into a ball. Another remnant of his past life, she supposed. Hoping to assuage that at least a bit, she rested a hoof on his shoulder to comfort the stallion as best she could.

“Anon, you should have just told me.”

He sighed sadly. “I know, I know. I was just so scared. What if it drove you away? What if you got mad that I waited so long to tell you? What if you just thought I was insane?” His eyes fell to the floor. “T-there’s so many things that could have gone wrong, I-I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

One might wonder why he was so forthcoming about this information if he’d been so terrified of the truth coming out, but in hindsight the answer was obvious. “But despite that, you didn’t want to live a lie. So you always told me just enough of the truth.”

He solemnly nodded his head. “Yeah. I wanted you to know about my real family and my real culture, but not to know I was a freak, you know?”

She wordlessly wrapped him in another hug. After a little while he let out another, shuddering breath that sent shivers through his whole body.

Pike held him closer. “You’re not a freak Anon, you're perfect.”

He only responded by holding her tighter, but she knew what he meant.

After letting him rest his chin on her head for a few minutes, Pike pulled away. “Alright, enough moping around. Today’s an important day! Let’s go out, and get some ingredients for our big celebratory dinner tonight.”

Anon looks confused at her statement, and he was visibly trying to puzzle out what day it was. “W-why is today important again?”

She grinned. “It’s the day you admitted to your fillyfriend you’re actually an alien! If that isn’t a big relationship milestone, I don’t know what is.”

With that little joke, Pike finally broke through his somber mood, and he let out a little laugh that warmed her heart. “Yeah, hehe I guess so. I love you, Pike.”

“I love you too, Anon.”

The day passed by quickly after that, as the two of them found comfort in each other’s company. Thankfully, by the time Pike and Anon had returned from their errands, Anon had almost entirely returned to his normal, jovial self.
He was practically bouncing around the kitchen while the two of them did food prep. All the while, the excited stallion kept telling one story after another as he recalled new things to share about his home. They’d apparently even gone to their moon!

‘Mare, I’d sure like to go to the moon…’

‘...and then to the sun so I can beat the crap out of it!’

“Ingredients: chopped!” called Anon.

Turning away from her dough, Nocturnal Pike saw that it was as he said. “Great! Get those blended and we’ll be on our way to some marinara sauce!”

The meal the two of them had settled on was a stuffed crust pizza—homemade, this time. Anon was busy making the sauce, and she was busy kneading the dough. If the recipe book she’d read was right, she needed to get the consistency to about—

Ding Dong!

‘Huh, the doorbell?’

Pike wasn't expecting visitors today. However, Anon apparently was, because his face lit up like a Hearthswarming tree. “Oooh! That must be Silken with my package! Perfect timing!”

Happily trotting over to the door, he opened it to reveal that very mare: Silken Evening. “Got what you asked for, Anon.”

Greedly grabbing the box off Silken’s back, Anon’s smile grew tremendously. “You’re a real pal Silk, catch you tomorrow!”

She just gave him a cheeky smile and nodded. “See you then, Anon. Don’t wear ‘em out too quick!”

He just nodded in turn and shut the door, leaving Pike to wonder that the heck Silken had just dropped off. Anon’s statement made it sound like whatever it was would be useful for cooking dinner, but Silken ran a lingerie shop!

Turning her attention from the dough, Pike watched him open the box with rapt attention.

After a few moments, he hoisted the contents into the air. “Ta dah!”

A pair of aprons with matching patterns!

And one was even her size!

And it was.... baby blue?

Looking at Anon’s much larger, pinker apron, it occurred to her exactly what the aprons actually were. Something Anon had clearly missed.

“Check it out, eh? Now we can cook in style!”

‘Aw that’s so sweet of him!’

Not sweet enough to keep Pike from laughing, though.

“Ahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!”

As the mare laughed, the smile slowly fell off Anon’s face. “What’s so funny?”

Forcing her giggles down, she pointed to the smaller apron. “Anon, that’s supposed to be the stallion’s apron.”

He did a double take, looking between himself and the apron. “Huh? But it's so small! It would hardly even fit on a regularly sized stallion.”

Giggles threatening to burst out again, she continued as quickly as she could. “And what kind of shop does Silken run?”

”A sex sh— ooooooooh.” As he looked over to the apron, she saw the recognition flash in his eyes. “So it’s supposed to look skimpy! Aw, well that’s disappointing.”

Holding it up to himself, PIke could tell right away he wouldn’t be able to put it on at all. “Fuck. Here I thought I was being clever when I saw these in her shop a few days ago,” he cursed to himself.

Curious, Pike grabbed it out of his magic and held it up to herself.

‘Huh.’

Well, on the upside for Anon, he’d at least been able to guess her size perfectly. Shame that wearing it would just be so emareculating thou—

Suddenly, it hit her:

Forming in Pike’s head was a vision of herself in the little apron; it perfectly showed off her flanks. She saw herself hopping around the kitchen cooking Anon dinner, and all the while, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

‘I always did like baby blue…’

She shook her head to dismiss those unmarely thoughts, but the blush remained.

‘I couldn’t do that!’

‘It’d be so embarrassing, so... colty.’

‘Better to have him just return the—’

“Let’s keep 'em!” She suddenly declared… and then cringed internally. ‘W-why’d I have to say that?!’ It wasn’t like she’d enjoy prancing around the apartment in a tight little apron!

He glanced at the aprons. “You sure? I mean, won’t it be kind of weird knowing what these actually are?”

He was right, it would be weird. She needed to just tell him to return them; that was the right thing to do, right? As Pike looked at the apron though, she couldn’t help but think to herself...

’Just once. I’ll wear it just once. For him.’

“I-It’ll be fine.” Unable to stop herself, she immediately slid the apron on. It fit just as well as she thought it would. “It's a perfect fit, after all!”

Putting the other on himself, Anon chuckled. “If you’re sure. We’d better make sure not to wear these around company, though.”

Pike’s face started to heat up at the thought, before she promptly stomped those thoughts back down. “Alright, enough dallying. Let’s get back to work, unless we want to eat dinner at midnight.”

Anonymous felt the pizza turned out really well! Every single part of their dinner had been sublime, which was just what he needed after an unexpectedly stressful day. The two of them were once again lounging on the couch, chatting and drinking wine while some dumb movie played on the tv. The conversation has seemingly inevitably drifted back to last night, and all the bizarre events that happened during poker night.

“So that’s what an ‘apealien’ is! You!” Pike said.

Anon grinned. “Hehe, yep. I guess in my moment of panic that just wrenched itself out of some weird part of my psyche.”

Taking a sip of his mango wine, he couldn’t help but smile at how lucky he was. How many other ponies—nay, people, would be willing to share drinks with a being from across the universe? Not many, he’d reckon!

“Anything happen after that?” he asked.

Pike shrugged. “I wouldn’t know, I was hot on your hooves almost as soon as you left. Oh! I did catch sight of Cut throwing up all over the floor though.”

‘Oh no!’

He felt bad for laughing, but he couldn’t help it. “Ohohoho my God, poor Cut! She’s going to be so strung out tomorrow.”

She was already a nervous wreck most days; this would just make her anxiety even worse. “Jeez, I’ll have invite her over to hang out. No reason to let her worry that she, like, destroyed our friendship or something.”

‘What would we do, though?‘

Cut almost certainly wouldn’t want to drink after last night. As he pondered, his eyes were drawn to the XPONI board game sitting on the shelf. It did get better with more players...

“Speaking of Cut,” chimed in Pike, “I never got an answer out of you about herding.”

She hadn’t. This morning, he’d been both thankful and terrified when the topic shifted.

However, just like before, he couldn’t run forever.

“Honestly... I don’t know. I’m tempted to say ‘fuck it’ and try it out, but it runs so contrary to what my view of a family is, I really don’t know if I’d be actually comfortable with it.”

He sighed involuntarily; he knew that wasn’t what Cut would want to hear. Hell, he could tell from the look on Pike’s face it wasn’t even what she wanted to hear—which was so dissonant from his own expectations that it made his skin crawl a little bit. However, he truly thought this was for the best. So speaking with finality, he told Pike how it is.

“So really, I just need to think this through more. What if I rush in half cocked and find out I just can’t handle it? It’d break Cut’s heart to just be shoved back in the friend zone.”

Nocturnal Pike, while disappointed, understood Anon’s point. She’d always dreamed of being in a large herd, ever since she was a filly, but she didn’t want to force him into something he wasn’t comfortable with. Honestly, knowing what she did now, she was glad he was even considering it.

Sure, monogamists weren’t exactly super common, but they at least existed in her culture. For Anon, this was a whole new avenue he’d never even considered.

“What about you, Pike? How do you feel about Cut joining us? It sounded like she made quite the fool of herself to you.”

To an average pony, Anon would be right. Pike, however, was taught to believe in Luna the orthodox way. Sure, Cut may have been under the influence, and sure, jealousy may have been a major motivation...

But she, a schlubby earth pony, was still willing to stand up to Pike, a trained member of the guard, all to protect Anon. She even knew who Pike was, and almost certainly knew the thestral could kick her flanks if she’d wanted to.

Cut did it anyway.

A show of grit like that would have earned her at least a chance in any herd back in the old days.

“I’m willing to give her a chance; she was willing to stand up for you, after all.” But just as she said that, her eyes were involuntarily dragged over to her apron, currently hung up on one of the kitchen chairs. ‘We’d better make sure not to wear it around company though,’ Anon’s voice echoed in her head.

Pike had always wanted a big herd... but...

What would other mares say if they saw her wearing that?

What would they say about how she acted around Anon? How she wanted to act?

‘Don’t think about it, don’t think about it.’

‘They- they’d make fun of me wouldn’t they!? Oh Luna, what if Anon decides he wants a real mare then!?’

‘Shut up thoughts! I am a real mare!’

All at once, the same nervousness about herding that afflicted Anon had been transferred to Pike. Maybe it was for the best if they stayed mono for now. While Anon figured out if herding was for him, she could work on confronting these strange feelings.

“Whatever you decide Anon, I’ll respect it.”

He beamed. “Aw, thanks hon. I promise I’ll give it some real thought, for you.”

She supposed that’s all she could ask for.

‘Oh hey, you know what would be perfect for this moment? A toast!’

Raising her glass, Pike said exactly what her heart felt. “Anon, monogamy may be for degenerate crystal ponies, but if I had to be degenerate with anypony, it’d be you.”

Still smiling gratefully, he returned the toast. “Awww, thanks honey—” Just as they touched glasses though, a look of confusion passed over his face. “—I think?”

She leaned in and gave him a smooch, laughing all the way. “You know.”

Chapter 22

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Everything was all hazy.

The last thing Nocturnal Pike remembered was tucking into bed, and now...

‘...now I’m running late!’

Her coltfriend would be home any minute, and she’d only just put the vegetable roast in the oven!

‘Arrg how could I be so stupid!?’

Brushing her hooves off on her baby blue apron, she glared at the roast through the oven door, hoping the sheer power of her gaze would cook it faster.

‘Maybe... maybe I can keep him occupied somehow.’

He did really like seeing her in that apron, after all.

Suddenly, the front door opened, and a male voice called out, “Honey, I’m home!”

Whatever she was gonna do, she needed to do it fast!

Crouching her forehooves down to ‘look at the roast,’ Pike ‘accidentally’ raised her plot into the air. “Sorry hon, dinner’s running a little late! I hope you don’t mind!” Giving her rear a little shake, she expected to hear the sound of his breath growing heavy. Instead she heard... nothing?

“Uhhhhh, Ano—”

As Pike stood up to try and see where he was, she suddenly found her vision full of green. With two distinct weights settled on her snout, it didn’t take long to figure out what she was seeing. “Th-these aren’t my glasses!” Pike could feel him chuckle as much as hear him; somehow he’d managed to get right over top of the mare without her noticing.

She took a deep breath. The smell of his musk was intoxicating.

“Mmmmf”

“Oh?” he called out, “got something you like over there?”

‘Oh Luna I can feel his breath on my slit!’

“...Because I see a snack right here.”

Pike winked in desperate anticipation of Anon’s tongue.

‘Come oooooooon! Put it in put it in—’

“NOCTURNAL! What are you doing!?”

Pike’s blood ran cold. No longer was she in her cozy kitchen standing under her hubby, but instead under a harsh spotlight, with darkness all around her. Well, darkness, her family, and her colleagues. As Pike slowly turned her head toward the first voice, she found exactly who she feared.

Her mother, Star Mapper.

“Luna’s sakes, what’s gotten into you, filly? Doing a colt’s work!? And that ‘apron’? By the moon...”

‘No, no! She can’t see me like this!’

“We always said you were too small to be a mare!” came a cold voice from the left. Whipping her head around, Pike saw her sisters, all laughing at her expense. “Haha! Pint-sized Pike at it again.”

‘S-stop! Please stop!’

“What’s gotten into you, Pike?”

‘No. Nononononono.’

Slowly turning around, she came face to face with a pony she knew all too well.

Astral Blade.

“Here I thought a real mare led our platoon, but turns out you were as weak as you were small all along. I bet you were the little spoon the night you met him!”

Pike wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She could feel the tears at the edges of her eyes.

‘I am a real mare! I am!’

‘I—’

“HEY!” Pike’s breath hitched in her throat. She’d thought he had disappeared, but Anon had been standing over her the whole time. “I don’t fucking remember inviting any of YOU to MY fillyfriend’s sexy dream!”

A voice she recognized as her mother’s called out, “We have every right to check in on Nocturnal!”

“Yeah!? From where I’m standing the only thing you’ve got a ‘right’ to is a kiss from my fist you cock-sucking fa—”

“Hon? Hon! Wake up!”

‘Who’s what's huh?’

Opening her eyes the rest of the way, Nocturnal Pike found herself still in bed, being gently shaken by Anon. “You alright? You went from moaning in your sleep to crying in the span of five minutes.”

‘Oh thank Luna.’

Pike was immeasurably relieved to realize it was only a nightmare.

“I… I’m fine.”

As she wiped the tears out of her eyes, she could tell he didn't buy it.

“You sure? You seemed pretty upset.”

‘Aw, Anon…’

‘...Can’t you be like most stallions and take ‘I'm fine’ at face value? Just this once?’

“I-it was just a bad dream, I’ll be fine.”

He looked her over, clearly not believing a word, but he acquiesced all the same. “Alriiiiight. But remember, I told you I was an alien. Is whatever you don’t want to tell me really worth keeping a secret compared to that?”

‘Oh come on, I’m not keeping a secret!’

‘I just... need to work through some stuff on my own is all.’

“Yes, come on it's fine,” Pike said as she pushed out of his forehooves, “let’s go get ready.”

Anonymous had decided that a quick grocery run was in order before the two of them went off to work, so he and Pike were off to hit the farmer’s market. And boy, did they have something interesting today.

“WHY KEEP COMING TO THE MARKET WHEN YOU CAN GROW YER OWN? TEN BITS A PLANT!” cried a large earth pony mare from inside her cart. “GOT A RESTLESS STALLION WHO NEEDS SOMETHING TO DO? HAVE HIM START A GARDEN!”

‘Ha! As if. Pfffft, starting a garden.’

Pike, however, was seemingly drawn in by the idea, and started heading toward it. Not wanting to be left behind, Anon followed after her. As they got closer to the cart though, Pike noticeably started slowing down. Her pace went from a beeline, to the pace of someone who wasn’t sure if they were going the right way.

Then, when they were almost at the cart, Pike turned to him. “Hey Anon, m-mind if we pick some of these up? I-It would sure save us a lot on ingredients if we just grew our own.”

That made sense to him. But there was something about her tone that made him think she was hiding something...

Well, that and the way she was nervously taking one step forward and one step back.

‘Oh! I bet I can guess what it is.’

Leaning down to eye level, he gave her an evil smile. “You just want to start a garden, don't you Pike?”

The way her face instantly turned red told him everything he needed to know. ”Wha-!? N-no! I’m just thinking about our financial well-being is all!”

‘Sure you are Pike.’

“Oh come on, just admit it! You want to start a garden!”

Somehow, she managed to turn a shade of red darker. “No, I don’t! G-gardens are c-colty!”

Anon wouldn’t let her have it. “Admit it!”

Pike spent the next few seconds sputtering, hoping to come up with a retort. Her words failed her though, and she hung her head in defeat. “It's not a garden... its an independent growth venture...”

‘Awwww, look at how pouty her face is!’

As he looked at his fillyfriend, he was tempted to scoop her up… but he felt that he’d already ribbed her enough.

Walking past her, he headed over toward the cart. “Great!”

He didn’t even need to look back at her; he could hear her whirl around to face him as he passed. “What!? That’s it!?”

“Yep,” but just as she thought he was going to leave it at that, he tossed a glance over his shoulder. “It's still a garden, though.”

“Wha -but - ah,” she sputtered, “Anoooooooooon!”

He paid no heed to her indignation and just smiled. “Now get over here and tell me what you want!”

Later in the day, as Nocturnal Pike sat at her desk, she found herself stuck on a particular train of thought:

‘I really bought a lot more plants than I should have.’

Anon had persistently ribbed her over where she was going to put them all, but she’d been too distracted with trying to come up with something to call it that wasn't ‘a garden’ to retort. That distraction had so thoroughly consumed her thoughts that even as she was trying to work, her mind was still racing. ‘Independent growth venture’ was a good candidate, but she admittedly needed something more concise...

‘Plant patch?’

“So what do you think, Sarge?”

‘LUNA ABOVE!’

Pike was startled out of her thoughts by the voice in front of her desk.

‘Oh right, I'm not currently alone in the office working on paperwork.’

She was in fact sitting across from Cloak N. Dagger, who’d come to discuss which of her guardsmares were eligible to enter the Nightstalker program. Whoops!

“Sorry, Cloak. Could you run that by me again?”

Surprisingly she didn’t, and simply sighed instead. “Sorry, Sarge. I’ve just been distracted today.”

Apparently so distracted that she hadn’t noticed that Pike was distracted—but hey, she wasn’t complaining!

“What’s on your mind?” In the past, Pike would have told her to stuff it and focus on her job. However, not only would that make her a massive hypocrite in this situation, but she’d also been feeling more... open, in recent months. Settling in, she prepared herself for whatever Cloak might say.

“You had kind of a rough foalhood, didn’t you, Sarge?”

She was not prepared for whatever Cloak would say. Pike couldn’t help but stare at her for a moment. “Well, I guess...” Calling it ‘rough’ seemed a bit extreme in her mind.

Cloak eyed her for a moment. “Your Mom and siblings gave you a hard time, right?”

They did, as a matter of fact. Pike’s mother, Star Mapper, was a mildly famous explorer. She traveled the known world, seduced dozens of stallions, and was just generally the ultimate standard of femininity.

A standard she expected her foals to live up to.

An already hard task, made harder by the fact that Pike was the youngest, and (she’d very begrudgingly admit) the smallest.

‘Aw mare, they really put me through the wringer back when I was young…’

It was Nocturnal Pike’s twelfth birthday. The cake had been cut, her sisters had already run outside to play, and dad had already run off to take care of one of the (few) younger foals. That just left Pike and her Mom as she opened her present. Her heart lit up when she first saw it; it was the exact size of what she wanted.

But when she tore the wrapping paper off, she didn’t find an Easy Bake Oven.

“A hoofball?”

Pike’s mother, who towered over her even as an adult, looked down at the filly with scorn. “That’s right! I don’t care what your father told you, no daughter of mine is going to learn to do a colt’s job! Now take that hoofball and go play with your sisters.”

But, she didn’t want to play outside with them; they were always so rough!

“Do I have to? They’re just gonna make fun of me...”

Pike’s Mom just gave her a slap on the back so hard that it nearly knocked her out of her chair. “So? It builds character! Now get out there, Nocturnal.”

Sending her one last pleading look, Pike took the hoofball and glumly stepped outside.

It went exactly as well as she’d expected. Whichever one of her older sisters was closest would immediately see her forlorn face and move in for the kill.

“Aw, what’s the matter runt, didn’t get your colt toy?”

Before Pike could even attempt to defend herself, another one of her sisters spoke up. “You sure Noct’s not just a colt? She sure is small enough, and an easy bake oven? Come on!”

The filly did her best to stamp them down, but she felt the tears at the edges of her eyes nonetheless. “I-I’m not a colt.”

“Look, she’s even crying like one!”

At that point, one of her sister’s started chanting. “Noct’s~a~cooolt! Noct’s~a~cooolt”

“I’m not!” She cried, but they didn’t even hear her, as her protests were buried under the rest of her sisters joining in.

“Noct’s~a~cooolt! Noct’s~a~cooolt”

“SHUT UP!”

‘Hm, actually that was kind of awful.’

In fact, so were all of her birthdays, up until she toughened up that is. So it wasn’t that bad.

‘Yes it was.’

Besides, they were all on good terms now! ...kind of.

‘Wait, why am I thinking about this again?’

“What’s your point, Cloak?”

In a surprising show of emotion for Cloak N. Dagger, she started tapping her hooves nervously. “Well, just, please don’t hold what Cut said last night against her. It’s not her fault.”

‘Oh?’

Once again, it seemed the conversation was veering in an unexpected direction.

Pike motioned for Cloak to continue, and she did. “She just got bullied a lot when we were foals. She’s a good pony but that just messed her up. Heck she’d still be a NEET if it weren’t for aunt Jargon.”

Pike supposed the two of them were similar in that regard. Although, she at least didn't get messed up from it. Indeed, Pike was a one hundred percent well adjusted pony, with no lingering issues whatsoever.

Nope, not a one.

Pike considered her for a moment. “What for, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Cloak looked at her hooves; they were the same tan color as Cut’s. “She inherited our mom’s looks.”

That struck Pike as a rather odd comment. Nothing about her appearance stuck out particularly. So what could ponies have bullied her so horribly for? Furthermore, why did Cloak expect her to know what their mom looks like?

“And your mom is...?”

Cloak didn’t say anything at first, but instead just sat there with a deep look of shame on her face.

‘What, is her mom like a war criminal or something?’

“Her name’s Suck N. Buck.”

‘What? There’s no way I heard that right.’

Popping open a drawer, she pulled out a cotton swab to clean out her ears. Since of course, there was no way Cloak just said what Pike thought she’d said. After giving her ears a very thorough cleaning, she addressed Cloak. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Hehe, it sounded like you said—”

“Yes, I said Suck N. Buck.” Cloak sighed heavily. “The porn star.”

‘WHAT!?’

Pike couldn’t even stop herself from laughing if she’d tried. Cloak N. Dagger, professional Night Stalker, is the daughter of Suck N. Buck!? How had she not known this!? Just thinking about that infamous name brought dozens of porn titles to Pike’s mind.

‘Barely Legal Colt Gets Virginity STOLEN By Ugly Bitch!’

‘MASSIVE Teated Ugly Bitch Steals and Corrupts Pure Coltfriend!’

And so on and so forth.

Pike seriously couldn’t believe that Cut and Cloak were related to a porn star, who was famous for being the grimiest bitch alive!

...and Cut inherited her looks…?

‘Oh Luna no.’

It didn’t take long for the joy of finding out her friend was related to a porn star to be replaced with horror at the implications. Cloak seemed to sense this, and leaned forward in her chair.

As Pike truly began to grasp the enormity of Cloak’s statement, her voice was reduced to a whisper. “Cloak, when you say she inherited your mom’s looks, does that include...?”

Cloak nodded her head. “Yes. Except last time I checked, Cut’s were bigger.”

‘BIGGER?’

Pike stared at Cloak in disbelief. “How much bigger?”

“F cup.”

‘Sweet Luna above.’

That revelation almost knocked her out of her chair. A mare's F... this mare's teats hang down to her hocks!? She’d known mares in school who caught crap for having C cup teats, but F CUP!? That would get anypony bullied.

After that revelation, the mare struggled to pull herself together. “Th-they didn’t look that big last night.”

Cloak shrugged. “Cut spends a fortune on enchanted maternity bras to hide them. She’s still pretty self conscious about it.”

‘Holy cow.’

Little wonder she fell so hard for Anon, he’s probably given her the only positive male attention she’d received in years. Poor gal. Pike felt like she needed to send her an ‘I understand’ card or something. She was glad Cloak was telling her all this, she felt like—

‘Wait hold on, why is Cloak telling me all this?’

Nocturnal Pike had known Cloak N. Dagger for years, and she’d NEVER been this forthcoming with information. In fact, usually she takes specific pleasure in withholding it!

The mare eyed her warily. “Why are you telling me all this?”

With her attention focused back on Cloak, Pike noticed that at some point she’d pulled out a small picture. She couldn’t see who’s in it from where she was looking, but she could guess.

“L-last night when I took her home she was pretty upset. I just wanted to try to show you where she's coming from, you know?”

‘Yes, and I’m sure the stuff about me also having a rough foalhood was definitely just brought up as a coincidence, and totally not supposed to foster a connection and empathy between me and Cut.’

Still, unsubtle as it may have been, Pike couldn’t knock Cloak too much for it; it did work, after all. It was kind of sweet that she was trying to play wingmare in her own weird spy way. However, Pike was already on board with letting her in the herd.

The ball was in Anon’s metaphorical court.

All Cut N. Paste had been doing since she’d got into the office four hours ago was sitting in her chair and worrying. Those worries were only growing worse the closer it got to three.

That’s the time Anon usually came in.

‘M-maybe he’s not coming in today?’

‘Or ever again?’

No, no; she wanted him to come in. It's not worth it to hope she never saw him again, just because he might get mad and yell at her.

Okay, almost certainly will get mad and yell at her.

Maybe she could give him a spa day as a ‘please-let-me-still-be-your-friend-present’?

‘No no no, you idiot! Anon doesn’t like colty stuff like that!’

Before Cut knew it, she felt tears stinging at the edges of her eyes.

‘Why aren’t I good at this!? Why do I always mess things up!?’

Before she could spiral deeper into self loathing however, Cut heard something. The sound of the door to the stairs opening, and Anon greeting some of her coworkers as he walked into the office floor.

‘He’s here.’

‘Oh buck no no no please no!’

‘I need more time!’

‘Oh Celestia help! What do I do?’

In a moment of pure panic, she pulled the hairpin out of her mane, letting it fall in front of her face.

‘If he can’t see me, maybe he won’t yell at me, right?’

‘Yeah, let’s go with that!’

Hiding behind her bangs, Cut could hear him approaching. She could feel herself shaking in her chair, and the tears as they started flowing again.

‘Please don’t be too mad, please don’t be too mad!’

“Cut?”

‘Oh no oh no oh no!’

“Come on, Cut. Look at me.”

Pulling her bangs back, she expected the worst. Him to have a snarl on his face, and to start laying into her. For him to tell her to never talk to him again...

But she didn’t see that. Instead she saw... sympathy?

‘Oh, don’t let him know you were trying to hide from him, ponies hate that!’

‘Come on Cut, think!’

“Oh, h-hey there, Anon! I uh, didn’t see you there. I’m t-trying out a new manestyle, you see?”

‘Oh no, he doesn’t believe me!’

“Jesus, Cut. Were you crying?”

‘Gosh dang it, you stupid filly what are you doing?!’

‘Mares! Don’t! Cry!’

“N-no, I-I just had some allergies is all!”

...

‘Oh fiddlesticks, he doesn’t believe that either!’

As Cut’s mind spun about, trying to come up with another excuse, she suddenly found her thoughts grinding to a halt.

Anon just reached over, and wrapped her in a hug. “Cut, it's ok.”

‘I-it is?’

She struggled to hold back a sniffle. “B-but I said those things to your marefriend...”

“So? You were just trying to look out for me. You couldn’t have known Pike gave up that life.”

Cut almost couldn’t believe it. Back in school, whenever she tried to warn a stallion that a mare was just taking advantage of him, they always got so mad. And that was when the stuff she’d said was true! Her sister had already given a lecture about how ‘Sarge hasn’t so much as looked at another stallion since their relationship began, she’s clearly changed her ways!’ Well, either that or Anon used his magic to take control of Pike’s mind; Cloak couldn’t really decide.

Yet despite all that, here Anon was, telling her it was all okay.

Pushing out of his grip, she quickly wiped the new, but very different feeling, tears out of her eyes. “O-oh mare. Still, here I am crying into your shoulder like little c-colt. I’ve really made a flank of myself, haven’t I?”

He just smiled and shrugged. “Eh, you were really stressed out. It happens.”

Suddenly his smile shifted from congenial and friendly, to smug and prescient. “Besides, there was one mare at that table last night who you didn’t embarrass yourself in front of.”

‘What?’ Cut was feeling lost. Who could he be talking about? As far as she knew, there was only one mare at that table he actually talked to, and that would be...

Her heart soared.

“P-Pike?”

“Yep!” he says while nodding, “She thought you had... oh god what was that phrase? Oh right! ‘Big brass ovaries’!”

“R-really?”

“Yeah, she was genuinely impressed.”

‘No way. Did- did my drunken gambit actually work!?’

“D-does this mean I...?” She didn’t even want to say it out loud, lest she jinx it.

But based on how Anon’s face fell, it was jinxed from the start. “No. Not yet.”

‘Oh.’

Cut let her shoulders sag.

‘Of course it was too much to hope th—’

“Hey, let me finish!” Even though she hadn’t verbalized it, he was seemingly able to sense her despair. “Look Cut, the fact is, my culture was monogamous.”

‘NO! Of course you’d fall for a mono stallion, you idiot!’

“BUT, Pike really wants me to give herding a try. So I’m thinking about it. Thing is, I really want to make sure I'm emotionally ready before I dive into something I’d never even considered before, you know?” Reaching out his hoof, he placed it comfortingly on her shoulder. “And when I decide, you’ll be the first to know—and if it turns out that way, the first one I let in.”

Cut’s eyes started to water again. “R-really?”

“Yes.”

Just like that, the joy was back in full force. Talk about a day of emotional highs and lows! Honestly, Cut was completely content with orbiti—

“This comes with a caveat though.”

‘Oh?’

Putting his other hoof on her other shoulder, he looked Cut right in her eyes. “Do not wait up for me. If you meet someo--pony you really like, don’t feel like you’ve got to wait for my answer. I want you to be happy, Cut.”

She couldn’t keep the smile off her face. Even now, he was considering her feelings.

“Promise me, okay?”

She sniffled. “I promise.”

It was a very easy promise to make, since she’d never find somepony like else like that.

She’d never find another stallion like him.

Chapter 23

View Online

‘Oh hey, I beat Anon home!’

And Nocturnal Pike could think of no better way to spend her time than with her new, independent growth venture! She did have to rearrange the living room a teeny bit, but she liked how it turned out. All of her plants were right next to the window now!

‘Nice!’

Which, unfortunately, left the mare standing right in front of the window while tending her plants. Good thing it was night time and she’d long since closed the curtains; wouldn’t want anypony to look through the window and see her wearing her apron, after all.

That would be embarrassing.

Just the thought of it made Pike wilt under the judging stares of the imagined pedestrians.

‘What!? I don’t want to get dirt on my coat! Stop judging me!’

After all, it was only practical that she wore it while tending to her ~~gard~~—tending to her venture!

‘B-besides, it’s not like I like wearing it....’

“Honey I’m home!” That call drew Pike’s attention away from the planter just as Anon walked in. “And... oh my gosh! Don’t you look adorable tending to your garden!”

She fought down a growl, pouting mightily at his choice of words. “EEEEEEEE it’s NOT a garden!” she absolutely intentionally squeaked. “Gardens are for colts who want pretty plants! I’m growing these so we’ll have free ingredients!”

She didn’t like the look he gave in return. Its smug aura mocked her.

“Oh? Are we having daisy sandwiches for dinner then?”

Pike looked at him in confusion. “I thought we both agreed daisies taste terrible?”

He just nodded in apparent accord. “We did! So why’d you buy so many?”

‘...Uhhhh...’

Turning back to look at the not-garden, she saw that he was right; she did buy a considerable number of daisies.

‘Why’d I do that? We both hate daisies!’

‘Although, they do look... pretty...’

Pike glanced down at the floor, and sheepishly pawed at it. “Ok, so m-maybe it’s kind of a garden.”

“Aha! I knew it!” he cried, before sitting down next to her. “So what else are you growing?”

Pike blinked. She hadn’t been expecting him to stop. Rather, she’d assumed he was going to keep on teasing. Seemingly sensing her surprise, Anon leaned in and whispered in her ear. “Gotta keep you on your toes—uhhh, I mean, hooftips! Can’t let myself get too predictable.”

She did not like the implications of that.

‘I'll just have to be on my guard!’

While Pike made a mental note to try and think of what she could tease Anon about, she turned her attention to the kind-of garden. “Well, you see, I got some daisies, roses, tomatoes, daffodils, one mild pepper plant, and a few stalks of a special strain of hay. They say it tastes, like...” she trailed off, as she was interrupted by the sound of something dripping. “...Hey Anon, did I leave the faucet on?”

However, turning her head toward the faucet revealed it wasn’t a leaky sink, but a leaky Anon. As in, he was drooling all over the floor. Pike couldn’t keep the manure-eating grin off her face. “Well well well, Mr. ‘I-don’t-eat-hay’ sure looks excited for hay.”

That comment snapped him out of it, but it was far too late; his chest was already covered in drool. After a few moments of frantically telekinetically grabbing every towel in range and trying to wipe himself down, he gave up with a sigh. “Well, balls. We gonna have that hay for dinner though?”

She smirked. “Maaaaybe.” Pike had been thinking about using some of it in a casserole. The guy selling the stuff did say it went well with rose petals. “Say Anon, what about hay makes you like it so much? Like, what does it taste like to you?”

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...” That question seemed to stir something in the stallion, as his easy smile turned into something sinister. The longer he drew it out, the more evil his grin became. “You sure you want to know?”

‘Is there something I’m missing here?’

Pike racked her brain trying to think of why the heck she wouldn’t want to know, but she had nothing. “Uuuuuh, I guess?”

His expression practically became the face of Discord.

‘Put up your guard Pike, expect incoming whimsy!’

“It tastes like beef.”

She stared at him blankly for a couple of seconds. “What?”

“Oh, right, you don’t know what that is. It’s cow meat!”

‘...’

“WHAT!?”

Pike suddenly found herself blinded by a bright flash.

“Hehe, gotcha!”

As her vision gradually returned, Pike saw herself face to face with Anon’s camera. “You lying flankhole! You just wanted an embarrassing picture of me!”

His smile dipped a little at her accusation. “Hey, I wasn’t lying, it really does!”

‘Aha! He let himself get distracted!’

While he was focused on what she’d said, Pike snatched the photo right out of his camera. Turnabout is fair play, after all! “Hehe, gotcha!”

‘Now quick, I’ve got to destroy this photo before he can stop me!’

Set on burning the photo, Pike ran toward the fireplace. But, as she did, she spared a passing glance at the picture—and barely kept herself from collapsing in laughter. Anon had somehow managed to snap it right at the apex of her ‘WHAT!?’

‘That’s actually pretty funny!’

Chuckling, she walked back over and hoofed him the photo. “Okay, okay. That actually turned out good.”

Snatching it out of her hoof, he held it to his chest indignantly. “I know, it's almost like I get paid to take pictures!” He valiantly tried to hold on to his incensed expression, but before long, the two of them broke down in laughter.

While the two of them shared that laugh, Pike heard Anon’s camera flash again. Curious, she again snatched the photo away as it developed. It was a heartwarming scene of the two of them laughing together.

‘Awww!’

She had to smile. “Not that I’m complaining, but what’s got you in such a picture taking mood?”

Anon took the photo, smiling as he looked it over, before shrugging. “I don’t know. Just kind of felt like trying to capture some of these moments is all. Especially since I knew you’d flip when I told you about beef.”

The joy of the moment had almost made Pike forget about that. “What’s the deal with that by the way? Are you seriously telling me that if I went to one of those farming towns down the mountain and took a bite of a random cow, it’d taste like hay?”

“Well specifically a hayburger, but you’d have to cook it first. Come on, my people weren’t animals, Pike.”

Considering how he acted in bed, she doubted that, but she didn’t press the matter. “So what are you going to do with the photos?”

He shrugged again. “Haven’t decided yet. Might just put ‘em in a box. But that feels like kind of a waste, you know?”

Nodding her head, Pike started trying to think of what they could do with their pictures.

‘Hmmm, we probably don’t want to just frame all of them…’

‘Say, there was that thing dad used to do!’

‘...Nah, that’s too colty.’

Just as she thought that though, her brain suddenly made her keenly aware of the fact that she’d just finished gardening in colty lingerie.

‘Okay brain, okay I get it.’

Pike glanced at Anon. “W-well it's kind of colty, but do you want to make a scrapbook?”

Thankfully, he didn’t just laugh at her idea. Instead, his eyes lit up. “That actually sounds like fun! Oh! I know what we’re doing after dinner tonight!”

It turned out that Anon's idea was to recreate events from when the two of them started dating. Their first visit to Silken’s shop, Anon eating his first hayburger, Pike almost causing a diplomatic incident… She’d gone down the list and they’d created pictures for all of them, and Anon had been grinning all along the way.

“Let’s put ‘Anon tries his first hayburger’ right next to that picture of us in our aprons,” he said, floating the latest batch of photos over the page.

“Ok, but we’re also putting ‘Anon burns stir fry’ on the same page.”

He chuckled at that. “Fair, fair.”

And that meant it was time for the fun part: arranging them! Like any good scrapbook, Pike had been trying to give each page a consistent theme. This one had been summed up, very succinctly, by Anon as ‘kitchen misadventures.’

“I can’t think of any other ones to go on this page, can you?”

Pike shook her head; she had better places in mind for all the others. Taking a look at the accurate recreation of Anon’s first hayburger, she was reminded of their earlier conversation. “Mare, that's still so weird. Makes me worry about what goes into the average hayburger.”

Anon laughed again as he glued the photo in question in place.

Pike suddenly turned to him. “Say Anon, do you ever miss it?”

He looked over at the mare, slightly confused. “What, like, meat? Yeah, but that was mostly before I started eating hay.” Suddenly gazing off, he got a far off twinkle in his eye. “Do you know what I really miss though?”

Pike thought back to everything he’d told her about his home, and all of its strange and wondrous gadgets. “The internet?”

“FUCK no! I miss titties!”

‘Oh come on Anon, quit saying words I don’t know!’

For some reason it reminded her of the word ‘teats,’ but there was no way that could be it. Not that it was a reason not to rib him over his unfortunate choice of words, though! “Oho, you’re telling me you like big teats, Anon?”

“I WOULD like them if any mare HAD them!”

‘Wait, THAT’S WHAT TITTIES ARE? TEATS!?’

If Pike had had a drink, she would have just spit it everywhere.

‘What are the odds?’

‘And the way he talks about them... he doesn’t know about Cut!’

Pike just had the best idea for the best surprise ever.

Oblivious to Pike’s revelation, Anon continued. “I mean there are so few titties that bras are associated with guys! What’s the deal with that!?”

‘...Huh, bras being used by mares more than stallions? Now that's a weird thought.’

“What, so do most mares... oh wait, what did you call them?”

Anon chuckled. “Women.”

“Right, right, so do most women wear bras?”

He let himself sink into the couch a little, clearly struggling to come up with a way to best explain this backwards, alien cultural practice. “Yeah. Imagine if your... uh.. Teats? Yeah, teats.” He awkwardly started gesturing around his chest. “Imagine they were here.”

‘By Luna, that sounds horribly inconvenient!’

At first all Pike could think of was what an absolute pain it would be to balance with those. Though eventually, a more important question came up. “Alright, but why wear one before having a foal?”

His eyes lit up, making some sort of odd connection she couldn’t fathom. “Oh! Right, yeah these develop at puberty. Not after a foal.”

‘Really?’

Well, she supposed that it made sense how he’d have a taste for them then, if every mare had them, but there was some lingering confusion—and disbelief. “Are you telling me the truth right now, Anon, or are you just trying to hide the fact you like older mares?”

That might've been a bit he’d heard before, considering how he went right into blowing an exasperated raspberry. “Don’t even get me started. Titties being associated with being old and out of shape... stallions out here wouldn’t know a good MILF if she slapped them on the butt!”

Crossing his forehooves, he continued to grumble. “I once overheard two dudes talking about some poor guardsmare, going on and on about how she really ‘let herself go after her foal.’ Her teats were like c-cups at most!”

Pike couldn't help but laugh; what an absolutely bizarre perspective! “Hehe, well, Anon. Fact is, unless the mare is a little overweight, that’s as big as most teats will get.” She leaned back herself, gesturing in a cyclical motion with a hoof. “Combine that with the fact most mares won’t even grow them until she has what you stallion’s so affectionately call a ‘mom bod,’ I’m afraid fat teats will never be in style.” Leaning forward, she bopped him playfully. “Like it or not, young and teatless will always be the favored look among the fairer sex.”

“And to top it off I'm the one expected to wear a bra here? Unbelievable."

'Ha! Guess it is kind of ironic that now Anon's the one who has to—’

‘...Ohoho.’

‘OHOHOHOHO!’

She’d just realized something, something she wouldn’t have thought twice about if Anon hadn’t mentioned bras. He’d just given her something better than the best plan for the best surprise ever:

He’d given her ammunition.

“Say, speaking of bras,” Her smile turned positively evil. “I’ve noticed we’ve had A LOT more laundry than usual. Why is that?”

Oh, he knew what he’d just brought on himself; she could see it in his eyes. “I-I don’t know. That sure is really weird though!”

“Are you sure it’s not because you’ve been wearing your ball bras every day?”

He looked away in embarrassment. “W-well it's not been every day...”

‘Bingo.’

“Who would have thought you’d actually like wearing them?”

He hopped to a standing position, and Pike could feel the genuine indignation radiating from him. ”Hey I don’t like wearing them! It’s just, most of them are insulated and have warming charms! The boys like eighty degrees, not ten!”

Pike gave him a smile as evil as his earlier, Discordian smirk. “You sure that’s it?”

“Yes!” he said as he stamped his hoof. “It's not like they’re comfortable!”

A disbelieving look from the bat was all it took for that excuse to break down. “...Okay, they’re kind of comfortable! But still!”

She was pretty sure he was going to continue, but then the look on his face abruptly changed. If she’d had to call it something, she’d call it realization. “Heeeeey, you’re just doing the same thing to me that I did to you about your garden!”

“It's only a kind-of garden! Just like you only kind-of like wearing ball bras!”

Anon managed to hold onto his angry face just a split second more, before the two of them once again broke down in laughter. “Hahaha! Okay th-that’s, haha, that’s fair.”

Chapter 24

View Online

‘Tonight’s the night!’

After the fiasco at the bar the last time Nocturnal Pike had met Cut N. Paste, Anon had been trying to put together an evening where the two of them could actually hang out and get to know each other. He kept stressing that this was meant to be a platonic sort of night, and Pike didn't doubt that. Nevertheless, she could see the undercurrents in it. She’d been talking to him about herding over the past two weeks since she’d originally met Cut, and Pike thought he was coming around. If tonight went well, Pike could find herself being an alpha sooner rather than later.

An idea that filled her with equal parts joy and dread.

Pike was raised to be an alpha, after all; to be anything less would make her less of a mare! So she was putting in the extra miles so that things went perfectly. Anon undoubtedly just wanted to sit around and hang out, but Pike had a much better idea: she’d give him a taste—just a small one—of what herd life was like, and by extension, give herself a taste of what kind of herd sister Cut would be. Thankfully, through Cloak, Pike was able to pass her plans on to Cut so she knew what to expect.

If she'd read the instructions, she should be here soon.

While waiting for Cut to arrive, Pike was preoccupied with milling about the kitchen in her apron, doing one last double check to make sure she didn’t forget anything.

‘Ingredients: check. Alcohol: check. Movies: check. Board games: check…’

Ding Dong!

‘That must be her!’

Prancing over to the door, Pike threw it open to see her potential herd-sister—and there she stood, looking appropriately nervous.

“H-hey Pike! Sis gave me your note a-and...” Cut trailed off mid sentence, her previous ‘nervous and excited’ face turning into a ‘shocked and confused’ face. As she continued to look at Pike, that confusion only seemed to grow.

‘What’s gotten into her? Do I have something on—’

‘aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’

‘WHY AM I STILL WEARING THE APRON!?’

Cut eventually found her voice again. “Uhhhh, what are you wearing?”

Cursing internally and in a flurry of hooves, Pike pulled the apron off as fast as she could. From Cut’s perspective, all she’d be able to see was a blur, as the batpony rapidly undid all of the ties before tossing the apron behind the sofa.

Cut was suitably awed. “W-woah!”

Leaning against the doorframe with a beet red face, Pike struck a pose that she hoped would hide how winded she was. “Wh-ha, whatcha talkin about?”

Pike internally braced herself, expecting the same kind of biting remark she would receive if anypony else had caught her wearing colty lingerie. However, all she received from Cut was a look of... genuine gratitude?

“Aw, y-you didn’t have to do that just to make me feel better, Pike. I-I do really appreciate it though...”

‘Wait, she thinks I did that on purpose? Why? What could—’

And then she remembered: Anon did say Cut still felt very embarrassed about two weeks ago. Pike supposed ‘this pony is making a fool of herself to make me feel better’ wasn’t too far fetched of an explanation for ‘this mare just answered the door in lingerie’.

Saying a prayer to her lucky star, Pike pinned her hopes on that actually being what Cut was thinking. “Yeeeeah, you caught me. Figured it’d make us even for last time.”

Her bluff was an apparent success; Cut was positively beaming at her!

‘Arrow dodged!’

Plus, based on the way her posture just relaxed, Pike’s weaseling seemed to have had the side effect of genuinely putting Cut at ease.

“Well, thank you.”

Meeting the mare’s smile with one of her own, Pike internally patted herself on the back.

“You’re welcome, now come in and I’ll make us something to drink.”

Cut N. Paste was sitting on the couch, waiting for Pike to return with hot cocoa. And as she did, she couldn’t help but be struck by something: Pike was exactly as marely as Cloak made her seem!

‘Aaaaaaah! I thought she was mostly exaggerating!’

The only thing keeping Cut together in the face of this apex Trixie was the fact that she’d seen her in a colt’s outfit. But the fact that she was willing to do that just to make Cut more comfortable made her seem even cooler!

‘AAAAAAAAAAH!’

And if all that wasn't enough, Pike’s tuft was MASSIVE! She was practically the textbook definition of marely! It made Cut wonder what Anon could see in an ugly, stuttering tuftlet like herself.

‘No, don’t think those thoughts, Cut! You managed to get in line for a potential herd, so you can’t be a complete buck up!’

Which reminded her—Pike mentioned herding in her note!

As the batpony walked over to join the earth pony on the couch, two steaming mugs of cocoa in hoof, Cut couldn’t help but let herself hope there had been a development.

“It's nice to actually meet you, Cut.”

‘Alright Cut, now's your chance to leave a good impression. Don’t squander it! Say something that shows how you really feel!’

“Y-you too...”

‘...’

‘BUCK!’

‘You BUCKING idiot! She hoofed you the perfect opportunity and you BUCKED it like the MORON yo-’

“Thanks! I’ve actually been looking forward to this. Although, as much as I’d like to do the meet and greet now, we need to take care of business before Anon gets here.”

Cut couldn’t quite believe her ears. No harsh remarks? No laughter?

‘Is this what our ancestors felt like when they met the Princesses, the original Trixies??’

“Business?”

Pike nodded. “Mmm hmm. Anon told you he comes from a herdless culture right?”

Cut tentatively nodded along, unsure where this was going.

Pike continued. “I’ve been trying to tell him what exactly a herd is, but showing is always better than telling, right?”

That made sense to Cut. “Right.”

Pike then smiled in a way that only a scheming pony could. “Well tonight, we’re going to show him.”

Anonymous was finally home. Jargon had made him stay late—for a completely B.S. reason—which left him running late to his own hangout night!

How embarrassing.

Cut had presumably already been at the apartment for about thirty minutes now, and once he opened the door, he’d find out how she and Pike had gotten along without him.

‘Please let them be friends, please let them be friends.’

Bracing himself for the worst, he pushed open the door to find...

...Pike and Cut chatting away in the kitchen. Overcome with relief, he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Look Cut,” said Pike, “I don’t want to get all political on you, but thestrals are the fuzziest of the tribes.”

“O-oh yeah? Well, in a cross-Equestrian study conducted three years ago, s-seven out of ten stallions preferred earth ponies as their big spoon!”

Pike was facing away from Anon, but he could plainly hear the confusion in her voice. “Why have you memorized EBI snuggle statistics?”

“Uhhhhh, no reason!” Before Cut could dig that hole any deeper though, she noticed that Anon had finally joined them. Standing on her tippy-hooves to ensure he saw her, she gave the stallion a shy little wave. “Oh, h-hey there Anon! Aunt Jargon finally let you out huh?”

Crossing the threshold into the kitchen, he let out a vague sound of frustration. “Yeah, apparently she overheard me saying I’m ’’’mono’’’ so I just spent the last thirty minutes getting an earful about how ‘every good stallion needs at least four mares to his name!’”

Both Cut and Pike visibly cringed at that. “Ouch, yeah Aunt Jargon can be a bit... overzealous.”

Pike, finally smoothing out her fur, smiled. “Well, we’re glad you’re back. We’d been waiting for you to get here before we started.”

‘Get started?’

Taking a better look at the house, Anon noticed that the kitchen was all set up to make dinner. ’Set up’ being the key word here. “Uh, Pike, we have a guest. Why does it look like we’re about to make dinner?”

Pike blinked. “Because we are?”

‘Uhhhhhhhhhhhh’

Anon’s gaze flicked between the two of them, searching their faces for any sort of clue to what he was missing.

There was none.

“Pike, are you taking revenge on Cut by forcing her to help us with dinner?”

She looked positively aghast at that. “What? No! Coming together to cook a meal is a perfectly normal thing for a he- a group of platonic friends to do!”

Normally he would have bought that, but her overemphasis on the word ‘platonic’ made him sure there was something else going on. He knew he probably wouldn’t be able to pry the ‘what’ out of Pike though. Lucky for him, Pike was not the only one involved.

“Say... Cut.”

Singled out, she let out a startled, “Eep!”

Looking her right in the eyes, he asked, “Is there something going on here?”

Her eyes started moving around the room, avoiding his own. “I uhh, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Anon!”

He narrowed his eyes ever so slightly. “You suuure?”

Cut’s eyes continued to flick about until they settled on Pike. Following her gaze, he caught the tail end of Pike mouthing something. Something that looked suspiciously like ‘tell him nothing.’

His gaze shifted back to Cut as she resumed talking. “Y-you’re just letting your whimsey act up Anon! This is totally something we friends do here in Equestria!”

Shifting his gaze between the two of them, he eventually gave up.

‘Eh, I’m probably just reading into it too much.’

Still, considering this was Cut and Pike, cooking a meal did seem like an odd activity to do for the first time everyone had got together. As far as Anon could remember Cut had never shown an interest in cooking before, and Pike was usually pretty squirrely about showing off her cooking skills to other mares. Oh well, like many things he’d seen, it was probably just a pony thing.

“If that’s the case, let’s just get started then. I’m famished!”

That statement caused Pike and Cut to sigh in relief.

‘HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...’

Dinner was well underway, and Cut N. Paste was surprised. Once Anon cleared the two mares of suspicion, she’d expected he’d assume control of the kitchen. But instead, the pony who took command was Pike.

“Hey Cut,” she said, “could you grab the cream out of the fridge? I want this alfredo to be extra creamy.”

Nodding, Cut moved to do just that. As she did though, she couldn’t help but notice this was the fifth time Pike had asked her to get something dairy related while putting extra emphasis on either the word ‘milk’ or ‘cream.’ It really made her wonder why.

'Wait... does she know!?'

No, no, there was no way. If she did, she’d never have allowed Cut in on this plan with her. An alpha mare like her would have no time for a big teated freak...

“Thanks!”

‘Oh, huh.’ Cut had hoofed her the cream without even noticing.

‘Come on Cut, you’re with other ponies right now! Quit getting lost in your head.’

Anon was standing on the other side of the stove, stirring the pot of boiling noodles; it was time to quit living in awkward silence and make some conversation!

“So uh, it's nice of you to let us do some cooking, Anon.”

Contrary to everything Cut thought she knew about stallions, he started laughing. “Nothing, ‘nice’ about it. Pike can tell you all about how terrible I am at this stuff. She’s the cook around here.”

‘What? A marely mare like her?’

Cut couldn’t help but voice her disbelief. “Really?”

“Yeah, she loves it!”

Pike, a look of panic on her face, interjected. “N-no I don’t! He’s just... he’s just teasing!”

“Pffft, whatever you say, hun.”

‘Wow, she even willingly helps her coltfriend around the house?’

The more time Cut spent with Pike, the more unbelievable her sister’s stories seemed. Stallionizers didn’t help stallions around the house.

“W-well, I think that’s really cool of you, Pike.”

She stopped dead as Cut said that, nearly dropping the container of spice she was holding into the pot. “You do?”

“Yeah, not many mares are willing to help out their stallion around the home.”

There was something in her eyes when she asked. Something Cut almost thought looked like hope. But whatever it was, disappeared in a flash and she returned to cooking.

Pike said something under her breath, which Cut barely caught. “Yeah, ‘helping out’, that’s what it is. Sure.”

For once, the earth pony’s social skills weren’t failing her; it was clear that there was something more there. However, whatever Cut was going to ask was immediately lost as Anon destroyed her train of thought by slapping her in the face with some cooked noodles.

“Ha! Gotcha!”

Nocturnal Pike and the others had just finished up dinner. A part of her was still reeling from that close call she had while she was making it. Cut almost figured out that Pike was just a pathetic excuse pretending to be a REAL mare. But now Cut just thought the batpony was a good marefriend, so all's well that ends well!

The pasta turned out really good too. Not to brag, but that alfredo sauce was her best yet! Plus, it had the added use of letting her spend the whole time making milk references at Cut. Pike wasn’t sure if she picked up on them though. Once she got to know the earth pony better she’d just have to actually ask her about those so-called ‘F-cup teats.’

Or she might just tell it all herself once they broke out the alcohol.

‘Speaking of…’

“Alright ponies, want me to grab some cider while you two pick out a board game?” Pike asked.

“I don’t know,” came the nervous reply from Cut. “A-after last time...”

Anon was quick to intervene. “Last time, shmast time! Have some fun, besides if you get too smashed you can just spend the night here.”

Cut looked over to Pike, her eyes silently asking permission.

‘Ha! This mare really was born to be a beta.’

The batpony smiled. “I’ll get us some ciders.”

As Pike leisurely trotted over to the fridge, she could hear Cut and Anon scurry over to the closet containing their growing board game collection. Pulling open the refrigerator door at the same time they opened the closet, she began browsing its contents.

‘Hmmm, let’s see…’ Some Apple Family hard cider did sound good, but they also had pear...

While Pike busied herself weighing the pros and cons of apple versus pear cider, the others’ conversation started to reach her ears.

“Yeah, I’ve totally gotten her hooked,” said Anon. “At least 30% of these games are ones she got herself.”

“That doesn’t seem like a lot...”

“Yeah, well compared to the zero she had before I’d call that a win.”

Pike zoned out again. She did have some of that Kirin Beer, although Cut’s stomach probably wouldn’t be able to handle that for at least another month.

Pike almost jumped when Anon suddenly shouted, “Holy shit, what the FUCK is that?”

“I’ve never seen one that big before...” said an awed-sounded Cut.

Quickly settling on some Pear Family’s Finest, Pike headed over to the closet to see what all the fuss was about. She didn’t remember putting anything weird in there, so what the heck had them in such a tizzy?

Crossing the room, Pike hoofed Anon and Cut their ciders. “What’s all the hullabaloo?”

In response, Anon reached into the closet with his magic...

...and pulled out her copy of Jenga?

After letting the box hit the floor with a loud ‘thud,’ he gestured to it. “Care to explain this, hun?”

Quickly giving the box a once over, Pike saw nothing out of the ordinary. “Explain what? It's Jenga.”

Choosing not to answer verbally, he grabbed her in his magic and slid her next to the box.

‘Hey, what’s he trying to show here!? It’s only what, twice my size?’

Honestly, this was getting her a little steamed. Really, what was the big idea!?

Staring at Pike, Anon gestured at the game. “You really don’t see what’s wrong with this?”

“No, I don’t.”

Sighing and facehoofing, Anon gestured to Cut.

“Alicorn Jenga, featuring a seven hoof tall tower,” she quoted off the box.

‘So what? They—’

Pike figured it out then: they thought she was too short for the game! “Come on, seven hooves is nothing!”

Anon’s flustered expression began to look frustrated. “Pike, seven hooves is taller than me!”

‘Unbelievable!’

His attitude made Pike indignantly puff out her chest. She didn’t have to take this from her own coltfriend!

“So what!? Are you saying I’m too short to play this?”

He suddenly had the audacity to look flabbergasted at her!

‘Where’s he get off?’

“Pike, I’m too short for this! Cut’s too short for this! Why did you buy this!?”

That was an easy one! She bought it because... because...

‘Oh, right.’

She’d bought it out of spite.

With that, Pike’s righteous indignations fell away to reveal the moment for what it was all along: embarrassment. “Okay, I may have bought it because the gal at the register said the normal size one was ‘not quite your size little filly’.”

Surprisingly, her admission instantly changed Anon’s tune. “Ohhh, well why didn’t you just say so?”

Cut meanwhile, walked over and put her hoof on Pike’s shoulder. “Was it at the Board Game Barn?”

‘Is... is there more than one board game shop?’

Pike paused, uncertain. “...I think?”

The look Cut gave her was, by far, the most pity a pony had ever directed her way. “Tut-tut-tut, big mistake. Everypony in the know knows that you never shop at Board Game Barn.”

“Hold on, that place?” chimed in Anon, “The place we went to get a copy of Bits N’ Bows, Cut?”

She nodded.

“Jesus, well in that case I take it all back. Getting this was absolutely worth it if it's to spite those fucks.”

‘Oh?’

He’d never told Pike anything about this. “What happened?”

In a rare moment of affability, Cut put on what the bat could guess qualified as a ‘manure-eating grin’. ”T-they outed him as a fake gamer colt!”

Anon feigned being angry, but Pike could see the smile on his face. “Bullshit! What kind of per- er- pony asks somepony to name ‘every board game’!? There are thousands!”

Cut, clearly invigorated by Anon’s response, responded with a bit more confidence in her bit. “Fake. Gamer.”

Anon’s eyes widened at her accusation, faux panic dawning on his face. Turning to Pike, he dipped his head to make direct eye contact. “Y-you still think I’m a real gamer, right honey? Right!?”

Leaning around him to look at Cut, Pike watched as she solemnly shook her head ‘no’.

Looking right back into his eyes, the thestral mimicked her motion. “No.”

Crying out, Anon threw himself backward onto the floor like he had just been shot through the heart. “AHHHH! My own beloved! What a world!”

“There there Anon,” consoled Cut, “not everypony can be a true geek.”

Sniffling, he pawed at his cider that was still floating in the air. “I guess I’ll just have to DROWN my sorrows.”

At that point Pike started laughing; how could she not? Before long the other two had joined her. The three of them stayed like that for a few minutes, just laughing their flanks off.

After a while though, Pike broke up the laughter by giving Cut a playful punch in the shoulder. “That was pretty clever there, Cut. I wasn’t sure you had it in you.”

Cut meanwhile had started trying to discreetly rub the shoulder Pike had just punched.

‘Did I really hit her that hard...?’

“Th-thanks! Anon and I have been joking about it for a while now though... I still can’t believe they did that to you though, Anon! Gentlemares should never talk to a stallion like that!”

As he got back up, Anon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah they were pretty shitty but whatever. What are we actually playing?”

Cut blinked. “I thought we were going to play Jenga.”

Pike and Anon both did a double take at that. Pike had to voice her concern. “You sure? Won’t it be kind of unfair that you can’t fly or do magic? You’ll be stuck at the bottom of the tower.”

Cut turned a slight shade of red and hid her face, clearly embarrassed. “Don’t worry, I... I play a lot of Jenga.”

Chapter 25

View Online

Nocturnal Pike was on her fifth game now. After the first, the three of them had decided to make a drinking game out of it: every time somepony pulled out a block successfully, the other two would drink. If one of them knocked the tower over though, they had to open and chug an entire bottle. As it stood, Anon was on his tenth bottle and Pike was on her eighth.

All the while, Cut was only on her fourth.

“This, hic, has GOT to get her!” cried Anon.

Pike was inclined to agree. Thanks to a coordinated effort by the two of them, all of the rows within Cut’s reach had been reduced to one block. There was no way she was getting out of this one!

“Yeah, I’d like to see you get out of this one, Paste!” Pike declared, grinning triumphantly.

Cut paid no heed to her taunts though, instead studying the tower in a way that eerily reminded Pike of how she’d look at a crime scene. “Hmmmmmmm.”

Pike heard Anon start lightly stomping his hooves, as he started chanting, “Knock it down! Knock it down!”

Pike didn’t bother vocalizing it, but she was thinking the exact same thing.

Cut said nothing, instead continuing to inspect the tower. “Hmmmmmmm.”

‘Oh come on, what is she doing?’

‘She must be stuck! There’s no way out for her!’

And yet she continued going up and down the rows, repeatedly tapping blocks—

That’s when Pike noticed something. The block on the fifth row, it made a different sound when Cut hit it! She clearly noticed it too, as a massive grin appeared on her face. Then, with precision that would rival the best work of Pike’s finest guardsmares, she tapped the single block that made up the entirety of the fifth row, perfectly knocking it out. As expected, the whole tower above that row began falling, and Anon let out a cheer—a cheer that died when the whole stack landed on the fourth row, still perfectly upright, without so much as a wobble.

Both of their jaws hit the floor.

Anon looked like he wanted to scream. “HOW!?”

Cut, smug as a changeling in a rug, simply hoofed Pike the block. “Put this on the top, please.”

Pike and Anon couldn’t take it anymore. They’d been playing all night now and Cut had won every game!

Every single game!

Chugging the rest of her beer as Pike stared at the remains of the fallen tower, she just didn’t know what went wrong. Honestly, the three of them should have stopped after the eighth game, but both she and Anon had been too proud to quit without winning at least once. However, considering he could barely lift his head off the couch, the two of them probably needed to accept defeat.

“A-a-again!” he slurred from the couch, “B-best seventeen out of uhhh, thirty-three!”

Standing on rather unsteady legs herself, Pike called to him. “Nah, it’s getting pretty late, big guy. We might just have to take this loss.”

Pathetically attempting to lift his head, he feebly cried out, “Neveeeerrrr!”

...Before he promptly fell off the couch. “Waaaaahg!”

Springing into action, Pike leapt across the room to catch him—only to overshoot it and have him land snoot first on top of her.

“AAARG!”
“AAARG!”

Thankfully Anon’s horn had missed Pike entirely, but Cut was instantly by their side nonetheless. “Oh sweet Celestia are the two of you okay?”

‘Oh Luna, I’ve loved having a giant coltfriend every day but this one.’

Not only did his crash landing knock the wind out of her, but now Pike was being smooshed—and not in a sexy way!

“Cut... help...” Thankfully the earth pony heard her, and helped pull Anon up, and more importantly off of, Pike. “Th-thanks...”

Visibly straining herself, Cut braced against Anon, holding him upright. ”Hrrrrng, N-no problem! L-let’s get the two of you into bed.”

At the sound of ‘bed,’ a bit of awareness returned to Anon’s eyes. “Bed... Oh right! Cut, you—you shouldn’t walk home. Too cold, too dark. Sp-spend the night here. We’ve got... Pike, do we got a spare bed?”

Having regained some of her breath, Pike started to drag herself up. “It’s okay. She can, hic, sleep with us.”

Anon was, understandably, shocked by this. “She can!?”

“I can!?” Apparently, so was Cut.

Pike just smiled. Once she had pulled herself to a standing position, the three of them started making their way to the bedroom at a snail’s pace. “Of course! D-didn’t you have platonic cuddle piles back in Amareica?”

Anon got a misty look in his eye, clearly imagining how great a cuddle pile would be. ”No... It does sound nice though...”

Pike, meanwhile, side eyed Cut, hoping her gaze would cut through the haze of intoxication and remind her of the plan. Which, combined with the alcohol pulling her out of her shell, managed to do exactly that. “O-oh right! Yeah, Anon, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced an E-equestrian perfectly platonic cuddle pile!”

Pike could tell he knew something was up but, like the cuddle slut she always knew he was, he gave in. “Hmmmmm, okay. But... but! You two get to fight over who gets to be the little spoon. Cuz I call middle spoon.”

Well that was an easy one! Pike would of cou—

“D-don’t worry Pike, I’ll take this one for the team.”

‘O-oh, right.’

Being the little spoon was ‘unmarely,’ and she wouldn’t want to look unmarely in front of her beta to-be. So with a smile on her face that she absolutely did not feel, Pike turned to Cut.

“Thanks.”

The morning after we left our gang...

Something was strange.

As Cut N. Paste was slowly pulled out of the sweet embrace of sleep, she felt a presence on her snout. What could it be though? She usually didn’t sleep with anything in her bed.

‘Wait... this isn’t my bed.’

As the early morning fog lifted, she remembered where she was. And as she took in a breath through her nose, she knew exactly where she was.

Cut’s eyes shot open in alarm, visually confirming exactly what she’d feared:

In her sleep, she’d shoved her face right into Anon’s balls.

Completely alarmed, a cry escaped her throat before she could stop herself. “aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!”

‘Oh Celestia why did I scream!? Now he’s gonna wake up and see that I’m practically motorboating his balls!’

‘Oh no, oh no! He’s never going to want to get in bed with me again!’

Desperate to put some distance between his balls and her face, Cut attempted to throw herself out of bed—only to find herself unable to. Something was holding her in place!

‘Oh no no no no no!’

Looking over her shoulder, she saw something that made her heart stop. Anon was sleep casting! His weird, telekinetic paw things had her pressed up against him!

“Wha? Cut? Are... are you okay?” he mumbled.

‘Oh Celestia he’s coming to! I’ve got to do something!’

Cut strained in his grip. Anon was just a stallion; an earth pony mare like her should be stronger than his sleep telekinesis! But even as she redoubled her efforts, she soon found that this was not the case.

‘Oh no he’s about to open his eyes! PleasePleasePleasePlease—’

While Cut was struggling with all her might to get off the bed, something happened that she’d forgotten to anticipate: as Anon woke up and regained full control of his magic, the telekinesis winked out. Which, of course, resulted in the earth pony launching herself off the side of the bed.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

With a hard thud, Cut landed flank first, the rest of her following quickly behind. As the mare fell in a crumpled heap, she couldn’t help but feel thankful that Pike was so short. If she wasn’t, the bed would probably be much further off the ground, and that would’ve hurt a lot more.

“Oooooooooooooh.” Lying there on her back and moaning in pain, Cut silently prayed she at least hadn’t been caught unintentionally sniffing Anon’s balls. Which, considering he hadn’t started cussing her out like any other colt would, she had to assume she’d gotten away with it.

’Thank bucking goodness.’

If she’d destroyed her one relationship with a colt over something so stupid, she never would’ve forgiven herself. After lying there in pain for a bit, both Anon’s and Pike’s tired and visibly hung-over faces peeked over the side of the bed at her.

Pike, clearly the more sober of the two, spoke first. ”Cut, I heard you fall. Are you alright?”

Cut simply moaned back in response.

Pike frowned in sympathy. “She must have been drunker than I thought.”

Anon chuckled. “Hehe, I’ll say, she’s even wearing one of my bras.”

Panic flooded Cut’s veins.

She only then realized that, lying on her back like this, they had a perfect view of something she never wanted them to see:

Her teats.

Anon seemed a little confused. “I don’t remember having a tan one, though.”

Without wasting another second Cut flipped herself over and stood up, hiding the bra from their sight. “Haha, yeah, last night was crazy!”

While Anon seemed content to believe that, Pike was giving her a look that, combined with all the milk jokes she’d made yesterday, made Cut very afraid. “Go back to bed, hun. I’ll have some aspirin on the table when you wake up.”

He didn’t even respond, instead letting his face drop back onto the bed before starting to snore.

After watching him sleep for a moment, Pike turned to Cut. “Go on and get yourself some O.J., I’ll freshen up and be out to talk to you in a bit.”

Cut N. Paste had done just that.

She was sitting at the table, hunched over and staring into a cup of orange juice she hadn’t even considered drinking from. After all, how could she enjoy juice at a time like this!? Pike knew! Anon may have been too hungover to realize it, but she wasn’t!

‘Oooooh now she’s going to come out here, and tell me I’m a freak and—’

“I’d say that went well, wouldn’t you?”

Pike’s voice startled Cut upright, causing her to reflexively slam one of her hooves on the underside of the table. Next thing she knew, the glass had gone flying and she was covered head to hoof in orange juice. She didn’t even have the heart to cry out; Cut just hung her head while her face burned with shame.

“Oh, don’t be such a colt,” Pike said as a towel landed on the earth pony’s head. “Here, just dry yourself off.”

She couldn’t bring herself to do that though, and she simply let it fall into her lap.

Her mood was way too crushed to even bother.

‘Sweet Celestia, first Pike sees my teats and now this? Might as well just give up.’

Pike, meanwhile, took a seat across from Cut with her own cup, a pensive look on her face. “Okay Cut, I was planning on waiting to talk to you about this, but it’s clearly freaking you out so let me be upfront with you. I’ve known about your teats this whole time.”

Cut jerked upright at Pike’s statement.

‘What? But... but how?’

‘That doesn’t make any sense! '

‘If she knew I was an ugly bitch why am I even here?’

“Your sister told me about them after the night we first met.”

‘CLOAK? What the BUCK, CLOAK!? How could she!?’

Cut struggled to stop herself from hyperventilating. There must’ve been a reason—Cloak wouldn’t just betray her like that!

“S-she did?”

Pike nodded. “Yeah, she wanted me to understand where you were coming from that night. And it worked.”

‘Oh.’ It sounded like Cut owed her a thank you. Cloak was always better at reading ponies than she was...

She swallowed. “So what happens now?”

“What do you mean?”

Cut started tapping her forehooves together nervously. Anon clearly didn’t know or else he’d have undoubtedly commented on it himself. Which meant the next step was obvious, but she almost couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud. “...A-are you going to tell Anon?”

“No, no, I’ll leave that to you. You can do it when you’re ready.”

‘Really?’

Letting out the breath she was holding, Cut’s posture relaxed.

‘What a relief.’

“I’m guessing he never told you his actual opinions on big teats?”

Pike’s question threw her for a loop. After all, why would he? Every stallion in Equestria—

Suddenly it hit her. This whole time she’d been thinking of Anon like he was from Equestria.

Anon was not from Equestria.

Cut’s breath hitched, and her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. This was a possibility she’d never even considered! She was feeling something, something she’d never felt before. It was as warm as it was unfamiliar.

‘Hope?’

“W-what’s his opinion on big teats?” she asked breathlessly.

Pike took on a sly grin. “I’ll let you find out for yourself, but let’s just say he has alien tastes.”

Cut didn’t even know what came over her at that point. She’d started panting, and she could feel her heart hammering in her chest. Everything Pike told her led Cut to one inescapable conclusion:

He liked teats.

“I’m telling him right now.” Standing up so fast that her chair was blasted across the room, Cut made ready to sprint to the bedroom...

...Only for Pike to throw herself in front of the earth pony. “Nonono, don’t tell him now! He’s drowsy and hungover, save it for a better moment.”

‘Oh yeah, that makes sense.’

A hungover Anon wouldn’t be able to... appreciate them in his current state.

‘Celestia, the very idea that somepony would appreciate my teats…’

“When should I, then?”

Pike shrugged. “I’m sure the opportunity will come our way soon.”

Cut nodded vigorously. But as she did, that voice inside her head was as quick on the draw as ever. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, there’s no way a stallion could ever be interested in those. Pike’s just messing with you, you gullible idiot.’

For once though, Cut ignored that voice. As unbelievable as it seemed that Anon, the gamer colt of her dreams, liked big teats, no pony could ever be so cruel as to play with her hopes like that.

She hoped.

She prayed.

Besides, Pike had a certain look on her face—the same kind of look Cut’s sister had whenever she said something that really brightened up her day.

The look an alpha has when they help out a beta like her.

Cut smiled a bright, if shy smile. “Thanks, Pike, f-for all of this. I-I know I’m probably not your first pick for a herd sister but—”

“Ah-ah-ah! Don’t sell yourself short! Anon thinks the world of you, and my discerning eye can see your potential.”

Despite her desire to not embarrass herself, Cut audibly gasped. “Y-you really think so?”

Pike looked genuinely surprised she asked. “Of course! I already know there’s fire in you, we just need to work on bringing it out.”

‘Wow!’

She’d never had a mare outside of her family tell her that before! If Pike was serious about helping her, and about Anon’s preferences... This could easily be the best thing that had ever happened to her. Cut was NOT bucking this up; she was getting into this herd!

Pike, seemingly reading her mind, immediately shifted gears. “Speaking of working on things, like I said last night went well. But, we should keep up the pressure! Here’s what we’re gonna do...”

Chapter 26

View Online

About two weeks had passed since Cut's visit to the apartment. Anonymous the unicorn had just gotten off work, and Pike hadn’t gotten home yet, so for now, he was just chillin’ in the main room, and reading the latest print of his workplace’s newspaper, the Canterer. Honestly... it was kind of weird being home alone. Pike had, apparently, really hit it off with Cut, so the earth pony had been coming over more or less every day, either at Pike’s behest or his own. It had sort of gotten him used to always having someone around.

Not today though; today, Pike specifically asked for ‘no company.’

Something about a ‘bog day?’ Anon couldn’t imagine what they’d want her to do in a bog in the middle of winter. Whatever it was though, Pike was usually home by now, so he couldn’t imagine it would be much longer before she walked in.

In the meantime, Anon continued to flip through the paper. And it seemed Quick Wit’s article on the odd increase in fires around town finally got printed. She apparently thought it was Canterlot’s aging gas pipelines, but Anon wasn’t so sure…

The front door started to open, which must have been Pike! Hopping off the chair and heading to the door, Anon smiled in preparation for the sight of his lovely fillyfrie—

He choked back his laughter for a moment before it all came out anyway. “Pfffft, hahahah what the heck happened to you?” The sight that greeted him was not the usual tired Pike that was pleased as punch to be home from work, but a Pike who looked like she'd taken a detour through a lake on the way there! She was covered head to toe in dried mud and grime, and clearly mad as hell.

A very terse “bog day,” was her only reply. Without another word she stomped into the house, making what could only be a beeline for the shower.

‘AHHHHHH! I JUST cleaned the floor!’

“Don’t they have showers at the castle?” Anon asked, grimacing at the filth Pike was tracking through the apartment.

She didn’t even turn around to address him directly, as getting clean was the sole occupier of her mind. “Every public shower is about to be clogged. I just told the mares they were done for the evening and got here as fast as I could.”

‘Ah jeez, sounds bad.’

He’d have to ask her about it once she was out of the shower. In the meantime, he figured he might as well get back to reading Quick’s—

‘Wait...’

As Anon turned to look at the discarded newspaper, still open to Quick’s article, he suddenly remembered a recent event involving that very mare. As soon as he’d walked into the door at work a few days back, she’d approached the stallion and handed him some sort of weird gift basket. “You’re workin’ too hard sugerdick, tell your mare to treat you one of these days. Or better yet, call me over and I can treat you.”

The basket, as he’d later found out, was some kind of ‘do it yourself spa day’ kit. When he’d returned home, he just sort of put it in the bathroom and forgot about it. But now... now he’d been given the perfect chance to use it! Doing a quick one-eighty, he made a beeline for the bathroom as well.

Pike was still waiting for the water to warm up when he ran in, and she lazily turned her head toward him. “I appreciate the enthusiasm to shower with me, but I’m really just not up to it right now, hon.”

Chuckling at the joke as he passed her, Anon pulled open the cabinet under the sink.

‘Aha, perfect! Right where I left it.’

It was pretty big, honestly. The basket itself was filled to the brim with froufrou soaps, various oils, and even some manicure supplies! ...Or would that be pedicure?

Hooficure?

‘Ah, who gives a shit.’

“Au contraire my dear, you won’t be showering at all!” Pulling the basket out, he gave her a prize winning smile. “Because I, your loving coltfriend, am going to treat you to an at-home spa day!”

Her eyes widened in abject terror. “What!? No Anon I—”

Tearing open the basket’s wrapping without another thought, he held up the enclosed instruction book for her to see. “Come on, it’ll be fun, see? ‘So easy even a mare can do it!’ What, worried I’ll mess up your tuft?”

He could tell she wanted to say yes; she’d started doing that shifty eye thing she did whenever she wanted to say yes to something, but didn’t want to outright admit it. “W-wasn’t that a gift for you? I-I wouldn’t want to take away your chance at a nice—”

Leveling a massively smug grin her way, Anon cut her off. “Pike?”

She knew what was coming. He could see it on her face. “Y-yes dear?”

Magically closing the drain, he turned the knob so the water started coming out of the faucet.

“Get in the tub.”

As much as Nocturnal Pike didn’t want to admit it, Anon was right:

She desperately needed this.

Due to her height impaired stature, it didn’t take long for the tub to be full enough for her to hop in and submerge herself. And she had to say: after traipsing around in freezing bog water all day?

The hot water was Elysium.

Slowly disconnecting from reality, Pike felt herself melt away in the water’s warm embrace...

At least until Anon started dumping things in with her. “Okaaay. A touch of this, a splash of this, and bada boom!”

Lazily glancing up from her seated spot, she saw no less than five bottles of various things floating about above her. Considering the number of things in the basket, she was honestly surprised he was only using five. She was familiar with the contents of a few of them, typical shampoos and the like, but some of the stuff he’d put in were things she’d never seen before.

‘Are those beads?’

“Anon, what’s all this stuff even for?”

Keeping his eyes on the instruction book, he continued adding various things to the bathwater. “Honestly? No clue.”

‘What!?’

Pike was flabbergasted. “What’s that instruction book for, then!?”

Switching his gaze between the book and the basket, Anon chuckled. “It just tells me what to do, even got a little script and everything. Doesn’t tell me what any of this stuff actually does though.”

Rapidly leafing through the pages, he came to a stop near the front of the book. “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll read you an excerpt from it. Ahem, ‘Dear my beloved coltfriend-slash-husband, you are about to embark on a mystical journey from the comfort of your very own home. Contained within these balls are the finest therapeutic aromas, hoof crafted to invigorate your ocular senses and open your chakras. This body wash, here, has been proven to desquamate your skin and-,’ that’s enough of that, you get the idea, it's nonsense.”

‘Stars above, I sure do.’

“That’s so weird. Why?”

He flipped back to the cover and showed it to her. ’You don’t need to know what these words mean, because your stallion will!’ it boldly claimed.

As Pike read that cover, Anon leaned around it to meet her eyes.

“I don’t,” he said, as if he was responding to the cover itself.

Pike grinned. “HA! You better hope I’m not allergic to any of this stuff, then!”

The bottles all stopped in mid-air, as he instantly ceased their pouring. A look of genuine worry was plastered on Anon’s face; apparently that was a possibility he hadn’t considered. “You’re not actually allergic to anything right? You’ve never mentioned if you were.”

She couldn’t help but laugh out loud at that.

‘Come on, Thestrals? Allergic?’

‘What in Equestria is- oh right he’s an alien.’

“Thestrals don’t have allergies you doof!” Pulling a hoof out of the water, she gave her muzzle a tap. “Eighty-something percent of our magic pathways connect to our senses. Can you imagine how bucked we’d be if we could have allergies?”

Anon smiled. Worries assuaged, he resumed adding ingredients to her bath with a laugh. “Magical allergies? Haha, oh man, yeah that would be pretty bad. Can you imagine a magic powered sneeze?”

“I don’t have to, we can still get sick.”

He cringed, clearly understanding the implications. “Ouch.”

With that, he closed the various bottles and started putting them away. “Alright, that’s everything I’m supposed to add. Now I’m supposed to let you ‘soak in the atmosphere’ while I find a good brush.”

Pike just hummed appreciatively, closing her eyes and letting herself sink into the water a little.

‘Ahhhh…’

She could feel the warm water seeping into her coat and pulling the grime away.

‘Luna above I needed this.’

“Say, which brush do you want? Hard or soft bristled?”

She thought about that one for a moment. While soft bristles sounded nice, she felt she could really go for a nice HARD scrubbing right then.

“Hard.” Pike didn’t even need to open her eyes; she could hear him prepping the hard brush with another new soap.

“I wonder, if your senses are altered by magic, does that mean you taste things differently than me?”

Letting herself relax and sink further, practically only her ears and muzzle were sticking out of the water. “What, like we’ve unlocked the secret sixth taste? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Anon was approaching her now, sudsed up brush in hoof (or, in this case, his ‘hand’). “Aw, so my cock isn’t magically delicious?”

‘Booooooooo!’

Opening her eyes, Pike gave him a deadpan stare.

She saw him looming over her now, primed and ready to brush. “Oh come on, not even a little chuckle?”

Cracking a smile despite herself, she denied him. “Nope!”

At that, he collapsed onto the floor, feigning hurt. “Aah! And here I was starting to think I was clever!”

That one got a laugh out of her, which, in turn, got a laugh out of him as he climbed to his hooves. “Alright hon, now I’m going to have to ask you to sit up. I hope your cute flank is prepared for the scrubbing of a lifetime!”

‘What was I doing again?’

Nocturnal Pike tried to remember where she was. She seemed to have... blacked out?

As she slowly came to, she realized she may have blacked out, but she hadn’t passed out. She was still sitting upright, and a torrent of VERY unmarely things was coming out of her mouth!

‘AHHHHHH! I’m moaning and mewling like a schoolfilly!! Why am I—’

The question was wiped from her mind before she could even finish thinking about it; Anon just got done putting more soap on his brush, and he’d resumed brushing.

“Oh BUCK yes! Harder! HARDER!” she gasped. He didn’t verbally respond, but she could feel the brush start to work harder, and deeper.

‘Oh stars, why haven’t I asked him to do this before!?’

“Mmmmmmmmm, BUCK...”

Pike was in ecstasy. Anon could’ve done anything he wanted to her right then, and she wouldn’t even care—as long as he kept up that divine brushing.

Hoping to keep herself from completely fading out again, she cracked her eyes open. The sight that greeted her brought Pike a small amount of comfort, as Anon was not faring any better than she was. He had a far off, zen look in his eye, like a painter immersed in his craft. And he was... whispering something under his breath?

“Monkey brain like brushy pretty pony.”

‘Odd.’

She would’ve asked him about it if she wasn’t so busy being putty in his hooves. Speaking of, he’d just reached a particularly gnarled part of her coat, and—"Ohhhhhhhhh Luna."

It was a good thing she was too lost in the sensation to care, because that moan was particularly unmarely.

Pike blinked her eyes blearily, as the fog of sleep left her mind. It looked like she did pass out, this time. She was lying against the sloped side of the tub, head propped up by Anon’s magic.

‘Ooooh, the water feels warmer too, did he change it while I was out?’

Considering that it didn’t look as brown with grime as it should, she bet the answer to that was yes.

“Oh hey,” Anon’s voice called out, “you’re finally awake.” Turning towards him as the magic dissipated, she saw he was looking pretty sheepish for somepony who’d just scrubbed her so well she passed out. “Sorry about that, I uhhhhhh, went a little overboard clearly.”

Stretching her forelegs,—‘Luna that feels good’—she smiled at him. “Did ‘monkey brain’ enjoy himself?”

In rare form, he blushed and hid his face behind his hoof. “Ah, I said that out loud, did I?’

Pike nodded, sagely. “That you did.”

Putting down his hoof, but still clearly blushing, Anon made an attempt to own it. “Well, they did say my people are hard wired to enjoy grooming.”

“And mine are hard wired to enjoy being groomed. Clearly we’re a match made in Elysium.”

He smiled a little more earnestly at that, and pulled out the book again. “Guess so.”

As he read from it, a bottle of an as of yet unused shampoo drifted over, and he squeezed the contents into two of his magical hands. “Alright, this stuff is for your mane and tail. I’ll do your mane first so you can lay down a little longer.”

Settling in, Pike just hummed as he set to work massaging her scalp.

‘Mmmmm, mare his ‘fingers’ can really do work!’

After laying there and enjoying the feeling, he eventually motioned for her to stand up so he could do her tail.

“How come you never go this deep when we shower together?” As he set to work running his fingers through her tail, she couldn’t help but let it flick.

‘Did his magic just falter a bit?’

She heard him inhale under his breath. “Well I’m usually a little distracted.”

‘Oooooh.’ She had a pretty good idea of exactly what was distracting him.

‘No reason to just leave it up to conjecture though!’

Flicking her tail again, she felt his magic once again falter as his concentration slipped ever so slightly. “Like right now?”

Behind her, she could hear his breath get a touch heavier. “Exactly like right now.”

‘Aha! I’ve got him under my spell...’

He was slooooowly leaning in toward her marehood, his eyes glazed over and his mouth hanging lazily open.

‘Closer.... Closer…’

He’d make contact in just a few seconds.

‘5... 4... 3... 2... 1...!’

‘Aaaaaaaand—!’

Just as he was about to shove his tongue between her folds, she kicked the water as hard as she could, sending a generous splash right into his face.

“BWAAAAAAA!” he cried as he stumbled back, before landing right on his rump.

‘Ha! Got him!’

Turning to face him with her hooves resting on the side of the tub, she was the one who got to look down at him smugly for once. “Now now, finish what you started and then the fun can begin.”

He cracked a smile at that before pulling a towel off the wall to dry his face off. “Oooh, you tease. I’ll have to get you back for that one.”

As he climbed back to his hooves, he started grabbing more towels off the wall. “Go ahead and rinse your mane and tail out, the next part is outside the bath.”

Chapter 27

View Online

Back when Anon was giving her the brushing of a lifetime, Nocturnal Pike was able to ignore that voice in her head. Sure, her colt was pampering her with a spa-day, but it wasn’t that unmarely; she was just getting clean!

Now, though?

The tub had been drained, and she was lying on the couch, with multiple towels wrapped around her. He’d even put a mud mask on her face!

‘Jeez all I’m missing is the cucumbers over my eyes and I’d be the spitting image of every colt I’ve ever seen at the spa.’

Which was painfully unmarely!

But oh, so very relaxing. She’d never felt so clean!

‘Oh mare, if anypony other than Anon saw me now…’

‘Thank Luna no one will.’

“Sorry there’s no cucumber for your eyes,” Anon said as he walked over to her, “But the one that it came with smelled suspicious, and I don’t trust that Quick Wit didn’t do something to it.”

Pike chuckled sarcastically. “What, like shove it up her cunt?”

Anon laughed, but the look on his face told her that was less absurd than he’d like. “Either way I threw that shit away. Now, time for your pedicure!”

‘A pedicure?! Aw mare… What will my guardsmares say!?’

Pike shrunk in on herself a bit. “D-do we have to do that?”

He looked between her and the file he’d pulled out. “I mean, do you not want to? I’ve never done something like this before, so if you want we can just skip to the tuft oil and stuff like that.”

It’d be better to just skip that part and move on. So what if it would probably feel nice? That was no reason to sign away her pride like that!

...She’d never really done more than basic hoofcare though, so it would probably feel really nice...

‘No! No.’

‘Just say, no, Pike.’

‘Getting a pedicure is the opposite of marely!’

‘JUST. SAY. NO.’

“A-actually, g-go ahead and do it.”

Anon shrugged, completely unaware of the screaming inside her head. “Sounds good to me.”

‘No no! We should stop!’

‘...but now he’s already started filing, might as well just let him finish this one right?’

‘Yeah, yeah!’

Pike settled on her plan of action: she’d let him do this one, and then after that she’d tell him to stop! Might as well prepare herself to—

“So Pike, I’ve been thinking, and I think we should talk about this.”

Her eyes widened a touch. Normally, a colt saying something like that would send cold panic through her veins. But in light of recent events and conversations...

“About herding?”

He ‘um-hmmed’ as he continued to smooth out her hoof.

“Well, what about it?”

He stopped briefly, likely surprised that she hadn’t opted to take the lead in the conversation. After some thought, and tapping the file against his head a few times, he figured out what he wanted to say and resumed the pedicure. “I guess... what happens to you in all this? You’ve thrown out the phrase ‘alpha’ quite a few times, but what does that actually mean?”

Ooh, that was a good question. And, thankfully for her, an easy one. “An alpha is the guiding hoof of the herd. The leader, more or less.”

He looked kind of surprised by that. “Oh really?” he said as he adjusted the file, “I would have assumed the stallion would be, being the linchpin and all.”

That got a loud laugh out of her. “Ha! No offense Anon, but most stallions are much too whimsical to be hoofed that kind of power.”

It's with no small amount of pride that she said that because, even though every mare knew it, 99.99% of stallions would flip if she’d told them that.

Not Anon though, his gaze just turned incredulous. “Really?” Before she could respond to that, he seemed to realize something. “Actually... yeaaaah, considering they act like living stereotypes, I can see it.”

‘Ha! A stallion finally admitted it!’

‘Although he is from another dimension, so does it really count?’

Pike put those thoughts aside for later. “The stallion also isn’t, or I guess I should say shouldn’t, be the ‘linchpin.’ In a healthy herd everypony cares for each other; it's not just a bunch of mares tied to the one stallion.”

Anon sighed, seemingly genuinely relieved. “Okay, that’s good. Because honestly I don’t think I could maintain more than one relationship like that if it were all up to me.”

‘Oh goodness gracious, why would he think that!?’

“Stars no! I don’t think anypony could handle that on their own.” As she said that, he finished working on her first forehoof. She hoofed him the next one without even thinking.

“So if you’re in charge, where does that leave me?”

‘Ooh mare, that’s kind of a tough one.’

She frowned and furrowed her brow, trying to figure out how to best explain it to somepony with no experience with it.

‘...Aha!’

“Think about it this way. Say, we as a herd were going somewhere. My job would be to lead the herd there, your job would be to make sure no one gets left behind along the way.”

His eyes lit up in understanding and he nodded his head. “Okay, I think I see what you mean.”

The two of them lapsed into silence after that. Anon was clearly mulling over what she’d said, and she was content to let him mull.

As they laid there in silence though, Pike couldn’t help but notice how... good her hoof felt. It seemed her earlier guess was spot on; allowing Anon to give her hooves that extra TLC went the extra mile. Aches and pains she’d grown so accustomed to that she hardly even noticed them were gone.

‘Worth it.’

“Aaaaaand done!” Anon declared as he pulled the file away.

Lifting her forehooves to her face, Pike gave them a closer look. As expected, they looked painfully colty. But they felt great!

“You know Anon, you might have a future as a spa pony!”

He smiles smugly, blowing hoof shavings off the file. “Oh really? You wouldn’t get jealous at the thought of me brushing other mares all day?”

She returned the smile with equal smugness, motioning him to begin working on one of her hind hooves. “I’m sure the castle could comp for daily ‘de-stressing’ trips. Plus, maybe you’d meet a nice mare while you’re working.”

Anon stuck out his tongue like he’d just eaten something foul. “Eeeeew, don’t say shit like that! Makes you sound like you’re my mom.”

‘What!?’

Pike made no attempt to hold her disbelieving laughter in. A mother, telling her son to go out and try to meet some mares? Luna above, whenever her brothers ever brought a mare home, her moms looked like they were going to bite his head off!

Her dad on the other hoof...

“Haha! You know, that is the sort of thing my dad would say.”

She said it before she realized exactly what it meant. While it was true, that really was something her dad would say to her. And admitting it meant she admitted that she was talking like her dad.

That killed her laughter nearly instantly. “Eeeeugh, yeah on second thought I’m never saying that again.”

He let out a snigger. “So, you’re looking forward to being an alpha?”

Pike attempted to puff out her chest, but the motion didn’t really work since she was lying down. “Of course! As the mareliest mare around, it’s my domestic calling!”

“Oh wait,” he asked, surprised, “You don’t just get the position by nature of being the first?”

Pike waved her hoof dismissively. “Oh no no no no! The alpha can be a mare who joins at any point. The only requirement for the alpha is that she is the one most willing to lead. AKA the mareliest. AKA—”

‘Aka NOT the kind of mare who gets a pedicure from her stallion.’

“—M-me.”

Anon, seemingly oblivious to the painful irony, nodded. “Makes sense to me. I can’t think of a mare marelier than you.”

‘Yeah Pike, you’re so marely you do more domestic jobs than he does.’

“R-right.”

Seemingly oblivious to her turmoil, Anon spoke up again. “Oh, yeah! I just remembered, Cut was saying you were talking about helping her be more marely?”

‘Yeah right, like you, the mare who just spent the day being pampered with an in-home spa kit meant for colts, could teach somepony about being marely.’

“Y-yeah. S-she seems like she could use the help.”

He smiled earnestly. “I think that’s really swell of you. Honestly by the sound of it, you’d make a good alpha.”

‘No you wouldn’t. An alpha is a position reserved for real mares!’

“T-thanks...”

By that point, he’d picked up the wavering in her voice and looked up from her hoof with concern. “You alright, hon?”

She wanted to say something but...

‘What, are you going to cry while he’s giving you a pedicure?’

‘To think you call yourself a mare!’

“I-I’m fine.”

It was as clear as day he didn’t believe her, but he conceded. “Alright, Pike. Just remember: the fact I was an alien eventually came out, whatever you don’t want to talk about will come out one day too.”

‘He’s right... maybe I should just…’

‘No! No. He was willing to accept you being submissive in the bedroom, but this!? Admitting you like being a little domestic!? Admitting you don’t like being a macho mare 24/7!?!?!? Admitting that that makes you a fraud?

‘A fake!? ‘

‘NOT A REAL MARE!?’

‘SHUT UP, THOUGHTS!’

It was only by the grace of all her years of training and lying that she was able to keep that internal debate off her face.

“I-It’s fine. I’ll tell you later.”

He shook his head disapprovingly. “You better. Don’t let it eat you up inside.”

‘AaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHH HE’S RIGHT!’

‘QUICK! CHANGE THE SUBJECT!’

“S-so! About Cut! Uhhh, how have you enjoyed having her around?”

And hey, it worked! That change in topic was so abrupt and jarring that it totally crashed Anon’s train of thought! It crashed so hard, in fact, that his magic dropped the file.

“Oh uhhhhh, it's nice. I like it.”

Pike’s eyes widened a touch. He’d just hoofed her the perfect opportunity to make the sale.

‘Ha! Take that, inner voice! If I wasn’t a real mare, could I do this!?’

“And the stuff we do together, how do you like that?”

He hummed for a moment. “You mean normal hangout stuff? Well I guess she’s also been helping out around the house. And snuggling.”

‘It's working! Just a little more…!’

She fought to control her grin. “Aaaaand? Wouldn’t you like to do that every night?”

She could feel how much her offer was tempting him.

“W-well, I wouldn’t mind it.”

Pike’s smile turned smug. She didn’t say anything though; this was something he had to decide on his own.

“A-and with that in mind, now that I understand the idea of herding better...” His statement tailed off, and he took a deep, nervous breath. “I-I think I’d be open to trying.”

‘WOO HOO!’

With an unsuppressable “EEEEEE,” She leapt off the couch in joy, wrapping her hooves around his head in a hug.

“AAAGH!”

“Yes! Oh you won’t regret this, Anon! What do you want to do first? Got to a fancy dinner? Go out to see a show? Minesweeper!?”

“Mmmff hmm fmmm hmmm hrmmfrm.”

‘...what?’

Oh, right! He couldn’t talk with his face mashed into her tuft. Whoops!

Hopping off his face, she let him breathe once again. There was a deep blush on his face, which put one on hers as well.

Clearly, that moment he just spent amidst her tuft scent was having an effect on him. “Wow, that shampoo smells great... I-I mean, let’s, ahem, let’s just have her over and hang out again. S-something low key, for her.”

‘Right, this is Cut we’re talking about. Better to start small.’

“Right, right. I’ll leave the day and time up to you. Your first task as a herd stallion!”

Regaining a bit of control over his faculties, he straightened up. “Right! Sounds easy enough.”

After that he turned his attention to the forgotten file. “Well, now that that’s settled, want me to finish up your pedicure?”

Oooof, that put a damper on her mood. A real mare would say no. Buuuuuut, the hooves he’d trimmed did feel really good...

And she was officially an alpha now...

Sure Pike was an alpha who liked getting pampered, but did that really make a difference in the long run? After all, being an alpha was more pivotal to being a marely mare than getting her hooves done one time. Yeah, she’d get a pedicure, just this once!

It almost certainly wouldn’t be just this once.

With a reserved smile on her face, she answered. “Sure.”

Chapter 28

View Online

It was Saturday, and Cut N. Paste was standing outside of Anon’s and Pike’s apartment. This itself was not unusual; she’d been over—as Pike planned—more days than not. But tonight, it felt like something was different. When Anon had invited her over he seemed unusually... nervous?

Yeah, nervous was the right word.

Pike had also been oddly silent about progress updates over the last few days, and those two things together really got her wondering. Although, she was probably overthinking it, as she was prone to do. Anon probably wasn’t actually nervous, and Pike probably just didn’t have anything to say.

‘Yeah, that must be it!’

Confident that she had that mystery solved, Cut knocked her hoof against their door.

She could hear Anon’s voice from inside. “C-coming!”

‘...okay that sounded pretty nervous.’

Maybe she hadn’t been overthinking things?

Before she could ponder it further though, the stallion himself opened the door—and by the Sun, she didn’t think she’d ever seen him like this: he looked as much of a nervous wreck as she usually did!

“H-hey Cut!” he stammered, “Glad you made it. Come in!”

As Cut walked in, she was really starting to worry. What could have possibly put Anon, of all ponies, in such a state? Passing him, she entered the living room to see Pike smiling so hard that her fangs looked like they might fall out.

“Heeeey Cut,” she started, “Anon’s got something to say to yooooou!”

‘He does!?’

Excitedly whirling around, Cut's smile faltered when she saw that he didn't look any less apprehensive.

The stallion glanced at Pike. “C-can’t you say it?”

‘Huh?’

“WHAT!?” she cried from across the room, “You weren’t nearly this bashful when we first met!”

Cut’s heart started to beat faster as her brain began to put the pieces together.

“Well, yeah! Asking one per-pony out is one thing! But asking out somepony else while you’re already in a relationship? That’s weird! THAT’S WEIRD!”

‘Did-did he just imply what I think he’s implying?’

Pike scoffed at him. “Oh come on, quit being such a colt and leaving the poor mare in suspense! As the stallion, this is your call.”

‘Oh Celestia, my heart’s gonna stop!’

“Fine! Fine... Cut,” he began and took a deep breath. “...Would you like to be in a herd with us?”

‘I did it!’

‘I said it!’

It honestly freaked Anonymous out a little bit, but Pike was right: he needed to say it. He'd already been leaning towards letting Cut in before tonight, and being all non-committal, especially now that he’d gone ahead and asked, was fucking with her feelings. Which obviously, he didn’t want to do.

Speaking of Cut though, he was mildly afraid that her eyes were about to fall out of her head.

She’d started whispering something, so quietly he only barely caught it. “Really?”

‘Come on Anon, don’t bitch out.’

“Really.”

She inhaled sharply, and her eyes returned to normal size. “Well then,” she said at a surprisingly normal volume, “if you two will excuse me for a moment.” She didn’t even wait for an answer, quickly trotting into the bedroom and slamming the door.

‘What the heck?’

He looked to Pike for an explanation, but she seemed just as confused as he was. However, the yell that came from the bedroom told him all he needed to know.

“BUCK YES!” Cut screamed, her voice barely muffled by the door. “BUCK YOU, FIX-UP! BUCK YOU, FIRST DOWN! BUCK YOU—” She continued like that for several minutes, listing a frankly impressive number of names that Anon and Pike had never heard. “—AND BUCK EVERYPONY ELSE WHOEVER SAID I’D ONLY BE A LOSER!”

At the conclusion of her rant she threw open the door, and she was positively beaming.

‘Oh shit, I should probably say something, shouldn’t I?’

“Cut—” But before Anon could actually say anything, she charged across the room to him. Sweeping up Pike along the way, who let out a squawk of alarm, Cut approached at a worrying speed. Bracing himself, the two of them impacted with a force that probably would have bowled a smaller pony over. But thankfully, due to his sturdy constitution, he managed to stay on his hooves, and the collision resulted in what Cut had likely intended:

A somehow not-awkward tri-hug.

As she held Anon and Pike in her earth pony grip, he could see a few happy tears escape Cut’s eyes as she desperately tried to hold onto her composure. After letting out a few shuddering breaths, she eventually spoke. “Th-sniff, thank you both so much!”

Deciding that this was one of those ‘actions speak louder than words’ moments, he answered her by squeezing her extra hard.

Which wrenched a choked up sob out of her throat.

‘Wow, I really made her day.’

A fact that did a great deal to offset the feelings of uncertainty he had about herding in general. Looking at Pike, who was being crushed between the two of them, he watched the batpony roll her eyes, but the smile on her face told him she didn’t really mean it. Some silent communication passed between the two of them, as they both decided they ought to let Cut vent. They stayed together like that for a few minutes, as Cut cried into Anon’s shoulder.

Eventually the earth pony pulled away though, and she took off her glasses to wipe the tears from her eyes. “S-sorry,” she stammered out, “Aw buck, I probably look really pathetic right now, h-huh?”

‘Oh, mares and their need to look marely.’

Giving her a punch on the shoulder, Anon gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “You’re fiiiiiine.”

Pike, having been freed, spoke up. “If a mare can’t cry in front of her herd, who can she cry in front of?”

Wiping a few more errant tears from her eyes, Cut met Anon’s smile. “Yeah... Yeah you’re right.”

Putting her glasses back on, she cleared her throat, still trying to regain her composure. “Thank you.”

A moment later, she looked around the room, curiosity touching her features. “So is this our first... date? W-what are we going to do?”

Pike smiled. “Anon figured we should keep it a low key affair. We got some movies, games, food is on the way, and...”

‘Aha! That’s my cue!’

Magically opening the door to the board game closet, he revealed an already assembled Jenga tower. “And we’re not going to lose again!”

He had hoped choosing an activity that she was extremely comfortable with would help her nerves, and he was right. At the sight of the tower, her posture visibly relaxed a bit, and her stutter started to recede. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

Cut N. Paste was starting to think she might have messed up. After winning seven more games, the food Pike ordered arrived. As she trotted toward the table, she had to wonder: should she have let Anon win one?

‘F-fillyfriends do things like that for their colftriends, right?’

‘No, no, what am I thinking? Anon would have hated it if I let him win.’

‘Better to just win until they realize they’re not going to.’

“Unbelievable,” sighed Anon as he dropped the largest pizza box she’d ever seen on the table. “Not even a single game.”

Pike, with an air of faux-solemness, pulled a bottle of something out of the cabinet. “I think the dream is dead, Anon. Time to let go.”

“Never!” he retorted, “We’ll see how she fares after I’ve got some of this in me!”

As Cut took her own seat across from him, he pulled open the pizza box. She was kind of skeptical about splitting just one large pizza three ways, but honestly, it should be more than enough. Pike had apparently even had the toppings split three ways!

Speaking of, the batpony popped the cork off the bottle, and the smell of mango hit Cut’s nose.

As it did, Anon started beaming for some reason. “Heyyyyy, I recognize that bottle and two-thirds of this pizza!”

That was... something Cut had never heard another pony say before.

“Oh, do you?” Pike smugly replied.

“Of course! This is almost the exact same meal we had the night I moved in! With Cut’s pieces added in of course.”

‘Awwwww, I see what Pike’s doing here!’

‘Pizza symbolism!’

Cut couldn’t help but put on a big smile.

Pike herself beamed, happy both Anon and Cut picked up on it. “I figured it was fitting, considering tonight’s significance.”

Anon chuckled once. “What, are you planning on stealing my virginity, a second time?”

‘SHE DID WHAT!?’

“WHAT!?” Whipping her head towards Anon, she watched as he threw an accusatory hoof at Pike.

“It's true! She’s a THIEF!”

Whipping her head back towards Pike, Cut saw her wings extend defensively. “I didn’t STEAL anything! You gave it to me and you know it!”

‘I can’t believe it!’

‘Anon was a virgin, and Pike took his virginity before marriage!?‘

Despite her best efforts, Cut couldn’t keep herself from shouting. “Pike, what were you thinking!?”

Her hooves joined her wings in a defensive posture. “H-hey! It's not my fault! He didn’t even tell me until it was too late!”

Cut couldn’t believe this! Anon was a pure husbando and she’d DEFILED him! Although, the stallion himself seemed completely oblivious to the severity of the situation—he was laughing!

He’d had his virginity taken before marriage, and he was laughing!

“Haha, holy shit! It is a big deal!”

Pike, also seemingly in much higher spirits than the situation called for, had begun pouting cutely.

‘...N-no dyke though!’

“You mean you didn’t believe me all this time?”

Anon took a break from slapping himself on the knee to answer. “Oh, I did. But I really didn’t grasp how big of a deal it really was! Look at Cut, she’s about to blow a gasket!”

‘Oh gosh!’

‘M-maybe I was getting too worked up about it.’

‘Oh Celestia I was getting way too worked up about it!’

‘Th-they’re going to awkwardly ask me to leave now!’

‘THEY—’

Whatever she was about to think was instantly cut off by the feeling of something clasping her shoulder. It was one of Anon’s magic things!

“It’s okay, Cut. I’m just messing with you.”

‘R-right, of course.’

‘W-what was I thinking?’

Cut averted her eyes. “I-I know.”

She definitely didn’t know, and Anon knew it. Neither he nor Pike seemed interested in making fun of her for it, though.

Instead, Anon immediately started grabbing slices while Pike started pouring drinks. “So anyway, why the heck are we eating pizza at the dinner table again?”

The bat mare tossed a packet of parmesan his way, booping him straight on the muzzle.

“Wha—!”

“Where’s your sense of ceremony, Anon? This is our first meal as a herd! That’s the kind of meal you have at a table.”

Cut nodded her head. After all, her family always stressed the importance of eating together at a table. Reaching to grab a slice herself, she opened the pizza box and—

“SWEET CELESTIA!”

Cut’s cry of alarm made both Pike and Anon jump out of their seats.

“What is it!?” asked Anon as he opened the box himself.

As they both checked the pizza, Anon just looked confused, while Pike gave Cut a knowing look.

“It's your third of the pizza,” she said to him.

“What? No way!” he countered, “It’s obviously yours!”

Cut shook her head in disbelief. How could the love of her life have such a terrible taste in pizza!? “Pineapple and banana peppers, Anon!?”

He looked shocked. “What? What’s so odd about that? It's got sweet and it's got heat! That’s not weird!” He turned to Pike. “I-is it weird?”

Pike grimaced. “It's kind of weird.”

He worriedly looked between Cut and her. "Why didn’t you tell me?”

Pike moved between the two of them, addressing each of them equally. “Because if your colt’s willing to eat some pineapple, you don’t question it. No matter the dish he puts it on.”

‘Ooooooooh my goodness!’

She couldn't keep the look of childlike wonder off her face. “S-so it's true?”

Pike nodded like a mountain sage.

Cut almost couldn’t believe it; she always thought that was just one of those bogus sex tips her mom used to always give her. “Wow...”

Anon rapidly looked between the two mares, probably trying to figure out what they were talking about. “Wanna tell me what you two are talking about?”

Cut and Pike shared a smile that only two mares could.

“Nope!”
“Nope!”

Anon wasn’t happy, but eventually the conversation moved on, and so did dinner. When it finished, the three of them went to the living room to play some card games!

Anon was trying to teach the two of them a game called “Euchre,” and it wasn’t going well.

Cut glanced at the cards. “So then I would win this hoof.”

”No no no,” he said, picking up a nine of hearts. “Pike declared hearts the trump, so that would win.”

‘Ooooooh, now I’m starting to get it.’

“So I should have played the heart I had then.”

“No, since I led with clubs, if you had a club but didn’t play it that would mean you ‘reneged’ and you’d forfeit the round.”

‘Nevermind, no I’m not.’

Cut frowned. “So where does the Jill come in?”

“Well...”

Whatever he was going to say was cut off by a loud “UGH,” from Pike. “Only nerds could find a way to make cards boring!”

Anon looked a little offended by that. “It’s not boring!”

Pike was having none of it though, as she snatched up all the cards and began shuffling them again. “You said we couldn’t even play it ‘till we had a fourth pony. Let’s just play something we know and can actually play.”

His face and posture fell. “But...”

Cut put her hoof on Anon’s sullen shoulder. “It's okay, we’ll come back to it later.”

He sighed sadly. “Alriiiight. But this isn’t the last you’ll hear of it!”

Pike continued shuffling the cards, good-naturedly rolling her eyes.

Cut had to ask. “So what are we playing?”

“Well,” Pike said as she dealt the first card, “normally we’d need to liquor ourselves up more before doing this, but as it stands we’re in a unique position.”

Cut was intrigued, but that apparently piqued Anon’s interest as well. “Really?”

Pike “mm-hmm’d” as she passed him the first card. “You’d be okay with playing some dress poker right now, wouldn’t you, Anon?”

He shrugged. “Eh, I guess. It just kinda sucks cuz I won’t be getting anything out of it, you know?

Pike grinned; clearly that was exactly what she was hoping he’d say. “That’s why me and Cut will be playing strip poker!”

‘What? Anon’s weird take on dress poker?’

Cut didn’t get it, but Anon seemed to instantly make some connection that she wasn’t.

“Ooooh! That’s pretty clever!”

The earth pony blinked. “I don’t follow.”

Pike critically looked the mare over. “Cut, you’re pretty sober right? Would you really be up for dress poker right now?”

‘Of course I would be!’

‘Anon would just have to s-see m-my sweaty, ugly body p-putting on s... so... soc…’

Unable to even finish that thought, she sighed. “No, I wouldn’t...”

Pike nodded. “How about strip poker?”

‘Taking clothes off instead of putting them on?’

‘Yeah, that’d be easy.’

‘Oh, OH!’

“Now I get it! B-but what do I wear?”

Pike cocked her head toward the bedroom. “I’m sure we’ve got something.”

Chapter 29

View Online

‘I suck at this!’

Anonymous had just lost another hand. He’d already put socks on three of his legs, which made this the fourth sock he'd have to put on. While he went to grab it, Pike and Cut watched him with rapt attention, and eventually began to cheer.

“Put it on! Put it on!”

‘Man, is this what it feels like to be desired by the opposite sex? This is great!’

Hopping up on the coffee table the three of them were playing on, he made a show of sticking his right hindhoof toward the mares, which turned their cheering into roars.

He didn’t try to fight down his smirk. “Remember, look, but don’t touch!”

As Anon started sliding the purple and white striped sock up his leg, the other two were practically frothing at the mouth.

“YEAH! SHOW ME HOW THOSE LEGS CHASE!” Pike cried.

Meanwhile Cut had started repeating some mantra under her breath. “Please crush my head between your thighs, please crush my head between your thighs, please crush my head...”

As the sock climbed higher, the two only grew more heated. Cut was cutely trying—and failing—to hide just how much it was riling her up, while Pike was openly salivating.

As the sock reached three-quarters of the way up, Anon got a devilish idea. Cut had started repeatedly shifting her eyes away to keep herself from staring too hard, and he was not having that. So with every inch the sock gained, he scooted his leg that much closer to her—with great effect! After just a few inches, she was visibly sweating and finding it harder to look away. By the time it was dangling in front of her face, she was looking at him with a desperate, pleading gaze.

“You may touch it. Once!”

Cut took a shuddering breath, clearly balking under the anticipation. Slowly lifting her forehooves, she gingerly reached out and wrapped them around his leg. “O-oh gosh... I, uh, I—”

‘She seems like she’s enjoying herself.’

But, every good stripper knows that you can’t let them enjoy themselves too much. With surprising skill, he slid his hoof out from Cut’s hooves without warning, and strutted on the table. She feebly reached out towards it again, but she remembered the rule and let her hooves fall.

“Hey! How come I don’t get a touch!” cried an offended Pike.

Anon paused mid-step in front of her. “Oh come on, you touch this like every day. Do you really want—”

She cut him off by nodding her head vigorously.

‘Hmmmm, well, I suppose it's only fair…’

“Okayyyyy.”

“WOO WOO!”” Before he could hope to stop her, she leapt into the air and practically wrapped herself around his leg.

“Hey!”

She wasn’t done. “Quick, Cut! Grab his other leg and we can have all the touches we want!”

Anon started to panic as she did just that.

‘Quick, someone call the bouncer, this is getting out of hand!’

Pike’s eagerness reached fever pitch. “Drag him to the ground!”

“Yeah!” Cut eagerly agreed.

‘Uh oh!’

After Nocturnal Pike and Cut came out of their lust-induced haze to find themselves pinning Anon to the ground and nuzzling him all over, Pike was afraid that she’d ruined the plan she had for the evening. But thankfully, in typical Anon fashion, he’d just laughed and said, ”Wow, I guess this is what Princess Luna meant when she told me I would ‘incite the castle’s mares into a riotous lust”.

He’d been pouring shots for the three of them ever since. After all, he did have all four of his socks on now, which meant he was fully dressed—a fact he took a great deal of joy in—leaving it a game of Cut versus Pike.

The batpony admittedly expected it to be an easy win for herself, but Cut seemed to know her way around a deck of cards. Pike was down to just her apron, while Cut was down to Anon’s apron (he said it was okay) and her bra.

And Anon was leering in a way Pike had never seen a colt leer before.

“The naked apron is a good look on the both of you,” he said.

Cut bashfully hid her face behind her cards. “R-really?”

He grew a lecherous grin to match his eyes. “Mmmm hmmm. I can see it now. I come home after a long day to the sight of you two working in the kitchen, backsides to me. Oh yeah, that’d be quite a ‘meal’ alright.”

A visible shudder passed through the poor mare, while Pike smirked. “Be careful, Anon, keep talking like that and you’ll end up in the same position you were in a few hooves ago.”

The colt returned a grin of his own. “Dang, wouldn’t want to get to that point before seeing the whole show.”

Cut was practically vibrating at this point.

“Want to take a break, Cut?”

She looked at Pike with an as-yet-unspoken question in her eyes. “I think I want to fold... t-twice.”

‘Ah, I couldn’t agree more.’

“Do it,” she goaded.

Anon piped up in apparent confusion. “Huh? But you’re only wearing one article of clothing.”

Cut was getting nervous now, fumbling with the apron’s ties. “I-I, I-m wearing something else, too.”

Cut N. Paste didn’t know if she could do this.

‘You were so eager to show him a few days ago, why are you so nervous now?’

Anon cocked his head. “Oh? What?”

Cut was trying to untie the straps of the apron, but she kept fumbling them. “W-well...”

Suddenly, the earth pony heard Pike move behind her. “Here, let me.” With just a few deft motions she’d done what Cut couldn’t and the apron fell away.

“Go get him,” she whispered in her ear.

Anon, unable to see Cut’s bra because of how she was sitting, was still confused. “You mean your glasses?”

‘Oh am I really about to show a colt my teats!?’

‘I-I can’t do this!’

‘What if he doesn’t like them!?’

‘What if—’

Cut made a startled “Eep!” as Pike, who was still behind her, grabbed the mare and leaned her back to give Anon a perfect view of her bra.

Cut let out a panicked “AAAAAAH!” as he looked at it, confused.

“Wait, is that one of my bras?! No, wait, my bras aren’t tan...”

Suddenly, something seemed to click within him, and he suddenly leaned in much closer.

“Cut, what’s under the bra?”

She tried to verbalize it, but she couldn’t seem to get the words out. “My... my... t-t...”

‘Just do it, Paste!’

Realizing that her voice had failed her, she simply reached behind herself and released the clasp. As she did, the bra was immediately pushed away as her teats flopped out for all to see.

Cut closed her eyes as she heard both Anon and Pike sharply inhale. “By the stars, they’re bigger than I thought...” Pike said.

‘Oh Celestia I can’t bear to look!’

Cut just held her eyes shut, waiting for Anon to say something.

And waiting.

Aaaaand—

Suddenly, she felt something wet and warm drip onto one of them.

‘Wait, what?’

Cracking an eye open, Cut spied something that seemed suspiciously drool-like that had landed on her right teat.

‘Uhhhh, d-does that mean he’s…’

Slowly looking up towards Anon, Cut saw that he absolutely was. At some point between closing her eyes and re-opening them, he’d moved so closely that he was only a scant few inches from them. His eyes were practically bulging out of his head, and he was literally drooling over her teats.

‘W-what do I do?’

She’d never had a colt—or anypony, for that matter—react like this before. All she managed to do was sit there, frozen, unable to do anything but shakily breathe in and out.

Thankfully, he made a move first.

Anonymous couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“Cut... have you had these the whole time?”

Cut fidgeted in her seat. “Y-yes.”

‘Cut has had humongous hungolomghononoloughongous this whole time, and DIDN’T TELL ME!?’

‘And I thought the two of us were FRIENDS!’

Awestruck, he gingerly held his hoof towards them. “May I?”

Cut looked between his hoof and his face, clearly not getting the hint. “May you... what?”

He moved his hoof just a bit closer. “May I, you know, touch them?”

She was staring wide eyed at his hooves now. “Well, uh, I... I dunno...”

“FOR LUNA’S SAKE GET ON WITH IT!” Pike—who Anon had admittedly forgotten was still behind Cut—had clearly gotten fed up with the two of them. So much so that she physically lifted Cut up right then and there! Hoisting the confused mare above her head, Pike spun Cut around, leaving her in the perfect position for what came next.

Next thing he knew, the earth pony had been tossed at him, teats first.

He caught her of course, but Pike’s aim was true, and he suddenly found himself sandwiched between the floor and Cut’s fat tonhongerekoogers.

“Ohmygosh!”

Suck N. Buck didn’t know why, but a surge of motherly pride had just filled her from head to hoof. And while she could only guess the reason why, she could still hope it was a certain daughter of hers.

“Way to go, Cut!”

Cut N. Paste couldn’t believe it. Pike had thrown the earth pony right on top of Anon, and his head was buried under her teats, and her face was right at his balls. But she couldn’t hope to focus on those balls even if she’d tried though, as her mind was consumed with one simple fact:

A stallion was smothered in her teats that very moment!

She felt terrible, like she was treating him like some d-dirty porn star would...

But her mom was right, having a stallion between her teats felt GREAT! It helped that when she lifted herself up to look back at him, she could see they’d left Anon grinning like a drunken dope.

The upstanding gentlemare in her was screaming at her to get those teats off his face, but the rest of her… The rest of her was demanding that she stay right where she was.

So there she stayed, enjoying the intimate touch of another pony for the first time.

While Cut sat there and basked in the sinful pleasure, Pike walked around her and made an appraisal of Anon herself. “You know Anon, I had always kind of wondered if you were just pulling my tail about having been a virgin...”

He didn’t even respond—he just chuckled.

“...But there’s no way you ever got to grab some teats before if this is your reaction.”

Giggling like a loon, he replied, “Hehe, booba...”

Cut couldn’t believe it. She really couldn’t. The idea that she’d actually find a stallion w-who liked such a thing had never even occurred to her.

She had to ask. “D-does he usually get like this?”

Pike sniggered. “Only if I catch him off guard with a surprise face sit. He’s still not really used to mare smells so if you can surprise him, you’ll knock him off his hooves.”

‘Not used to mare smells? How does that even happen?’

“Really?”

Pike nodded. “Yeah, he’ll tell you why later. It's a pretty wild story.”

‘Wow.’

That’s when Cut realized that Anon was completely at her mercy.

‘I can do whatever I want… ANYTHING!’

‘...’

‘Uhhh, what do I want to do?’

“Pike, what should I do now?”

She tapped her jaw with a wing. “Hmmmmm, well, his boolas are alone and unprotected.”

‘Oh right!’

She’d been so caught up in the euphoria of having her teats appreciated, she had completely forgotten about that! Turning her gaze forward, she saw those two perfect, emerald orbs were indeed dominating her vision.

She was mesmerized.

‘Ohhhh yeah.’

Before Cut even knew it, Pike had squeezed in by her side. “You take the right, I take the left?”

Cut said nothing at first, her mind thoroughly occupied. But then Pike's words registered.

‘Ooooooh YEAH!’

“OOOOOH YEAH!”

Chapter 30

View Online

Last night was pretty crazy. And thanks to that night, Anonymous the Unicorn had woken up in a rather unique position. Namely, he was now the meat in a snuggle sandwich. He had his hooves wrapped around Pike, and Cut had her hooves around him.

And honestly? It was beyond comfy. So much so that Anon was seriously reconsidering whether or not he should get up today.

‘Yeah actually... fuck it.’

‘I’m going back to bed!’

Closing his eyes once again, he allowed the fuzzy bodies pressed up against his to whisk him away...

As Anon came to, this time he found himself alone. Leaning up in bed, he stretched his forehooves and took a deep breath.

‘Mmmmmm mmmm, smell that morning air! Smells like waffles and eggs!’

Leaping out of bed, he made his way into his happy home’s kitchen. It appeared that while he was out, Pike went ahead and made breakfast. She and Cut had already started helping themselves, while there was a third plate of waffles and eggs waiting in an empty seat just for him. Placing himself at the table, he noted that Pike was seated directly across from him, while Cut was to his left.

“Good morning, ladies!”

Pike, swallowing a bite of eggs, waved to him. “Mornin’, Anon.”

Meanwhile, Cut stuttered, “Oh! G-good morning, Anon!” around a mouthful of waffle.

He couldn’t help but chuckle and roll his eyes at the poor mare. He’d just spent most of the night with his face mushed between her honkers and she was still nervous! Some things just might be incurable, he supposed.

“How’d the two of you sleep?”

“Amazing!” Cut blurted out. “I-I mean, good, thank you.”

Pike, swallowing another bite of her eggs, leaned against the back of her chair. “Good, as always. Not to shlick myself off, but getting you to finally break your hay hang up was one of the best things I ever did.”

‘Oh yeah, that reminds me!’

Cutting off a forkful of waffle, Anon held off from eating it just long enough to ask a question. “By the way, do you ever get hot? I can’t imagine it’d be comfortable being smushed in my fuzz while also under the covers.”

Surprisingly, Pike looked a little... embarrassed? Shoving the morsel in his mouth, he eagerly awaited her answer.

‘Mmmmm, buttermilk.’

She shuffled in her seat for a moment before speaking. “No, I get cold.”

Anon could only stare at her.

‘Seriously? How? She’s covered head to hoof in extra fuzzy fur!’

“What happened to all that stuff about how ‘Thestrals are the fuzziest race’?”

That question obviously flustered her, she answered with just a touch of venom. “We are!”

Although, that venom faded very quickly, only to be replaced with embarrassment again. “But fuzziest doesn’t necessarily mean the best insulated...”

Cut, having just swallowed a large piece of waffle, spoke up. “In early Equestria, Thestral communities would typically migrate south for the winter. Well, either that or rely on... others to provide body heat.”

Pike sighed, very loudly, in a show of exasperation. “And the other tribes STILL call us vampires for it. Your ancestors give out a few surprise hugs because they’re cold and even their grandfoals aren’t allowed to live it down!”

‘What!? No way, that’s hilarious!’

Anon almost choked on the waffle. “Pffft, hahaha! How come you never told me about this before?”

Pike angrily crossed her forehooves and her face turned a brand new shade of red. “Because its stupid.”

‘Oh I am SO remembering that!’

Anon couldn’t help himself. “Whatever you say... my little vampire.”

Her face visibly scrunched in annoyance, but she wisely held herself back from verbally lashing out. He was okay with that; her scrunch was more than enough to put an early morning smile on his face. Cut got her fair share of amusement out of Pike's reaction as well, as she chuckled into her hoof.

Shooting Pike a cheeky smile for the road, Anon decided to let her off the hook after that, and instead focused on eating his breakfast. Besides, he had something he needed to ask, and he figured it was better to think about what he was going to say before he did. So, after finishing most of his waffle and giving it plenty of consideration, he turned to Cut.

“Hey Cut?”

She glanced up from her meal. “Yeah?”

Peeking around the table, he saw she had once again put on the (presumably) enchanted bra that hid her teats. Having decided on the path of being direct, he pointed at the bra. “What’s with that anyway?”

The question made her flinch. As she did, her eyes seemingly scrunched shut of their own accord, and she hid behind her forehooves. Clearly this was not a topic she enjoyed discussing.

“M-my t-teats?”

Now that gave him pause.

‘Why would she assume I meant her teats themselves and not her bra?’

“No no, the bra. I mean, why go through such an effort to hide your boobs?”

He could see Pike roll her eyes from across the table. “Teats, Anon. TEATS.”

“Right yeah, what Pike said.”

Cut, thankfully, dropped her hooves so he could see her face again, but unfortunately her head lowered and her posture sagged. “B-because they’re ugly.”

‘Uhhhhhh’

‘Hold the FUCK up.’

He’d learned through osmosis that big teats were considered ‘unattractive,’ but those deliciously fat teats!? Straight ugly!? What the fu—

Cut N. Paste understood why Anon was asking these questions, that didn’t mean she really liked answering them. Seeing the truth for herself about Anon’s tastes last night was an amazing experience—but that didn’t make talking about how other stallions didn’t share his sentiments any less painful.

She started clopping her forehooves together as she stared at them, unwilling to meet Anon’s eyes. “I-it’s better if ponies don’t have to see them...”

Cut nearly jumped out of her seat when something slammed on the table. She actually physically hopped out of her chair a little bit. But it also had the side effect of getting her to look up and away from her hooves, and up at Anon.

It appeared the sound was him slamming the hooves on the table.

Strangely his face seemed devoid of emotion, a mask of neutrality to hide whatever he was truly feeling. A sentiment reflected by his unusually monotone voice. “Pike, it's no secret that ponykind does a lot of things better than my own people did. You’re happier, you’re generally more peaceful, et cetera. But this?” He pointed at Cut with his hoof. “THIS!? Ponykind is taking a MASSIVE L on this one.”

Pike looked equally confused and indignant. “Massive wha-? Hey, it's not our fault they look like balls!”

He shook his head like a disapproving parent. “Look like balls? LOOK LIKE BALLS!? Unbelievable. Shameful, even!” Cut could feel her heart beating faster as he talked. “Titties like those are like your flanks, Pike: exceptional. They deserve to be seen and appreciated!”

‘Oh Celestia please don’t say something stupid, PLEASE don’t say something stupid!’

“In fact I’d say—”

“Marry me.”

‘AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

‘WHY DID I SAY THAT!?’

‘WE’VE BEEN DATING FOR ONE NIGHT WHY WOULD I—’

Mwah.

Just like that, Anon brought an abrupt end to her eternal screaming. While she wasn't paying attention he’d crossed the kitchen a-and... k-kissed her on the cheek...

‘My COLTFRIEND just gave me a peck on the cheek!’

‘A PECK on the CHEEK!’

“I think you broke her.” Nocturnal Pike had just witnessed a pony go from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs.

Such a high high in fact, that Anon had been waving a hoof in front of Cut’s face for several seconds, and she hadn't so much as blinked. “You think?”

‘Come on Anon, the poor mare’s probably received more affection from a stallion this past week than she has in her whole life!’

Pike swatted his hoof away from her face and gave him a disappointed look. “Cut her some slack.”

‘Hopefully tha—’

‘...Oh no.’

By the time she realized what she’d just said, Anon had already slid past Cut and was advancing on her with a self-satisfied smile on his face. “So you’re asking me to cut Cut some slack?”

‘...’

‘Luna damn it…’

Pike smiled, despite herself. “You know, jokes that bad are a legal offense. As an officer of the crown I could run you in for that.”

He suddenly leaned back, holding a hoof to his head in a dramatic pose. “You wouldn’t! I can’t go back to prison!”

Before she could reply, something about that statement apparently brought Cut back to reality. “Anon, you’ve been to prison?” she exclaimed, probably more alarmed than she needed to be.

He completely ignored the question as he spun back around to face her. “Welcome back to the land of the living!”

Cut blushed. “I-It wasn’t that! I-I was just thinking really hard!”

“Oh yeah?” he said, as he quirked an eyebrow. “Thinking about what, how hard you just got kissed?”

“...M-maybe.”

The three of them shared a laugh as Anon returned to his seat, the three of them having quieted down by the time he was seated. “Well, Cut, just to give my final thoughts on the matter: those tasteless cretins might think you’re ugly, but I think you look great.”

Pike could visibly see how that brightened her day up—but surprisingly, Cut leaned in towards her. “Psst, Pike, what should I say back?” she whispered.

Leaning in in turn, the bat whispered back. “Just, you know, compliment him back! What, have you—” She was about to ask, “what, have you never been complimented by a stallion before,” but she wisely reconsidered at the last moment. “...Nevermind. Just compliment him on something you like about him.”

Cut nodded, and returned to her normal sitting position before addressing Anon. “Th-thank you Anon. And I think... your balls smell really nice.”

The three of them sat in silence for a moment as what Cut said sunk in. The earth pony hadn’t moved a muscle since she said it, but Pike eventually heard a sound from her. Something like the air being slowly let out of a balloon. Slowly, Cut turned to face her, and Pike saw the face of a pony who wanted to die.

“Pike? Did I just...?”

Her answer came in the form of Anon breaking out in sudden, howling laughter. “HAHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT!” He was practically falling out of his chair as he did—a hoof gripping onto the table was the only thing that kept him upright. Eventually, he got his laughter under control, with a huge smile on his face. “I’m sorry, Pike, but that has got to be the best compliment I’ve ever gotten!”

‘WHAT!? THAT!?’

There was no way Pike could let that show her up—nor was she going to leave her herdsister high and dry!

“I’ll have you know I think your balls smell great too!”

That only made him laugh even harder, to the point where he actually did fall off his chair. Thankfully that was only a couple inches. “Hahahahaaaa oh, oh man ahaha oh God. Gimme, gimme a moment. Hahahaaa...”

Cut, meanwhile, looked like she’d just averted a heart attack. Her hoof was to her chest, while she took deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself down. As she did though, she shot Pike a very grateful look, and the thestral smiled in return.

“Ohohoh, oh God.” Anon seemed to have regained some control of himself, and had returned to his seat. “Oh man, I think my heart skipped a beat or two.”

Pike’s face was almost certainly as snide as her tone of voice. “Because we’re such romantics, no doubt.”

That statement let another round of chuckles wrack his frame. “Hehe, if this is what it's going to be like every day, I don’t think I’ll survive the month.”

Since both Anon and Cut were looking for an opportunity to catch their breath, Pike gave it to them, and the conversation trailed off. Eventually though, it came time to ask the million bit question...

Pike glanced between Cut N. Paste and Anon. “What do you two want to actually do today?”

Anon lazily swiveled his head to look outside. Today’s forecast mentioned ‘heavy snowfall’ but Cut didn’t think any of them expected snowfall like this. The storm was practically blocking out the sun as the winds whipped snow past their view.

“Well, clearly our best bet is something inside.” He turned back to face the earth pony. ”Cut! You’re essentially our guest of honor. What do you want to do?”

‘Oh no!’

She hated being put on the spot to decide things! “Well since it's pretty cold outside. We could uh... we could... uh...”

‘Come on brain, think of something!’

No matter how much she mentally scrambled though, Cut found it no easier to come up with any ideas than she already did when she was alone.

‘Come on think, thiiiiiink, thiiiiiink!’

‘Wait, I’ve got it!’

“We could watch some movies!”

Anon hummed, gesturing towards Pike’s collection. “I dunno. Pike’s collection is a little lame, and the movie rental place is on the other side of town.”

“Not anymore,” Pike chimed in, “A new place opened up a block or two towards the castle. Block Buster’s, I think.”

‘Well that’s a good idea! Good on you, Cut! You actually managed to contribu—’

‘Why does Anon look like he’s seen a ghost?’

“Did you just say, Blockbuster?”

Pike rolled her eyes. “Great. Don’t tell me Block Buster is another mare you got in a fight with when you first got here.”

‘Oh no, like Silken?’ She’d told Cut all about that. Something about how socks were viewed in his homeland?

“No, no. It's... it's nothing. Just a weird coincidence is all.”

‘Aw, he sounded so sad when he said it.’

Cut could tell Pike noticed it too, because she started looking pretty concerned. Before either of them could ask about it though, he groaned. “Oh come on don’t look at me like that. It's nothing. Today’s supposed to be fun anyway.”

Pike wasn’t content to leave it there. “Yeah, but Ano—”

“Cut!” he cried out, cutting her off, “What’s your favorite movie?”

She smiled. “Well that’s easy, its—”

Cut froze dead still. The abruptness of his question almost got her to answer truthfully.

‘Oh gosh and that would have been so embarrassing!’

“It’s uhhhhhhh...”

She couldn’t actually tell them it's My Loving Husband and Our Lovely Home: Directors Cut with commentary from the voice actresses—the 990 one, not the 1002 remake of course! Even the girls at the Cyber tournaments called her a hopeless weeaboo when she said that!

‘Quick, come up with a believable lie!’

‘Something like uhhhh uhhh uhhhh—’

“Batmare Begins!”

Pike’s face lit up like a hearth. “No way, I love that movie! Although, I do like the sequel a little better.”

‘Phew, thank goodness you can rely on Thestrals to love bat related things.’

“What part is your favorite?” Pike asked excitedly. ”Mine’s the one where she hops off the roof and shouts, ‘I am the night!’”

Anon smiled. Cut guessed that was a subject he was happy to be off of. “Pike, doesn’t that describe half the movie?”

She blushed furiously. “No it's not! It’s- wait, actually...” She put her head in her hooves, clearly trying to remember just how many times that actually happens. Last time Cut had counted it was 22 scenes—about half the movie, making Anon correct. Which was something she’d actually noted in her review in the Canterer (truth be told, she thought the comic adaptation was much better).

But she couldn’t bring that up now; she was in too deep. “So, movie night it is?”

Anon hopped out of his chair. “Fine by me. Let’s go sooner rather than later though. I want to get the trip through that mess outside over with ASAP.”

Cut nodded in agreement; might as well get it out of the way.

“Aha!” Pike, suddenly cried. “The scenes she does that in only take up an hour and FIVE minutes! That’s a whole fifteen minutes less than half the runtime!” Her gaze shifted between the two of them, her triumphant look fading fast. “Why are you two looking at me like that?”

Chapter 31

View Online

Anonymous, Pike, and Cut had just finished the trip to “Block Buster’s” which, while arduous, was short and uneventful—a sharp contrast with the flood of memories that followed his first step through the front door. Even as the three of them stood amongst the maze of shelves, Anon almost couldn't believe it was real.

‘It’s... a Blockbuster.’

From wall to wall, it was exactly like every Blockbuster he could remember from when he was a kid. Yellow walls, vaguely dim lighting, gray carpet as far as the eye can see...

‘It even smells the same. God, how does it smell the same?’

Sure, he was taller than every shelf now, but, it really was just like he remembered.

Just like home.

‘...’

He shook his head, blinking the mist out of his eyes.

‘Come on man, get a hold of yourself.’

‘It’s just a Blockbuster, quit feeling so sad about it.’

Thankfully, Pike and Cut were too engrossed in perusing the shelves to notice that little dark spell. Speaking of the mares, Cut was standing on her hooftips to look over the shelf the three of them were browsing, and by the look on her face, she saw something she liked.

“The horror movie section’s over there. O-one of those could be fun.”

Peering over the shelf himself, Anon saw it was as she said. Realizing that he and Pike hadn’t actually watched any horror movies together, he started to wonder what pony horror movies were like. Would they even be able to scare someone like him?

‘Ha! I doubt it.’

‘Probably has a monster like ‘the mare that doesn’t like hugs’ or something.’

Regardless, it didn’t take a genius to figure out why Cut would want to watch a horror movie. “You just want me to get scared and fall into your hooves.”

Based on the way her face turned red, he’d totally called it. “N-no!”

‘Oh yeah, that’s totally what she wanted.’

He grinned. “Well, if you’d said ‘yes’ I’d have been into it, but since you said no...”

Cut stood there wide eyed and sputtered, “W-what!?!”

‘Aha, now I’ve completely thrown her off balance!’

“Oooooh, that’s a good idea, Cut,” chimed in Pike, “we should get something that’ll really take the fur off of him!”

‘Oho, is that a challenge?’

Anon snorted his cockiest snort. “As if any of your SNORE-or movies could terrify a seasoned veteran like me!” he declared, striking a defiant pose. A pose that was met with two deadpan stares.

Cut finally broke the silence just to say, “Anon... that was foul.”

‘What!? That wasn’t that bad!’

His smirk started to crack. “Come on, it was funny!”

Without another word, both Pike and Cut simply turned away from him and started to walk.

“Hey! Where are you going!?””

They didn’t even turn back, much less acknowledge what he’d said.

“Come ooooooon!”

They continued on however, ignoring his cries. Likely they were headed straight to the horror movie section to try to prove him wrong.

‘Hmf, fine by me.’

He knew the movies would be scarier if he didn’t know what’s coming anyway, and they’d need every advantage they could get!

‘But, what to do in the meantime?’

Scanning the store, he looked around for something interesting—and something interesting he did find! In the back left corner, there was a room separated from the rest of the store by a black curtain marked with three white hearts.

‘That’s not something the Blockbusters back home had.’

With nothing better to do, he decided he might as well take a look.

It turned out it was the porn section! He honestly hadn’t expected that. But, he wasn’t complaining; nothing cheered him up faster than reading funny porn titles.

“Unfaithful husband plumbs plumber’s depths like never before. Hehe.” Putting the porno back on the shelf, he continued down the way. Curiously, the more he saw, the more obvious it was that the shelves lacked any sort of organization. Maybe Block Buster herself was in some sort of a hurry?

Or, more likely, she figured no one would care.

‘Ooooh, that one looks interesting!’

Grabbing the noted box off the shelf, Anon took a good long look. The cover had two ponies standing on the set of a partially destroyed miniature city. The stallion was in some magical girl looking get up, while the mare was in a full-body monster suit. Well, almost full-body. Her fat ass titties were hangin’ out!

‘Teatzilla vs. Captain Colt!’ the cover proudly boasted.

‘Ha! This one might be worth checking the back of.’

Flipping it over, Anon started reading the description.

’In a faithful adaptation of the best selling doujinshi, Captain Colt faces his most dangerous foe yet! Teatzilla is here, and the only thing that can sedate her primal rage is a virgin! Can Captain Colt protect his purity? Or will he succumb to the monster’s lecherous ways?’

He didn’t want to look like a weirdo, laughing to himself in a Blockbuster, but he couldn’t help himself.

‘Like, come on, look at that summary!’

Honestly he kind of wanted to watch it; it sounded like it’d be fun. Oh well; he wasn’t going to bring a porno to movie night. That’d just be weird. Might as well put it back and—

As he was about to, the picture on the bottom of the back side of the box caught his eye. It had the mare and stallion out of costume, and…

‘Huh…’

Anon couldn’t really put his hoof on why, but something about that mare really reminded him of Cut. She certainly had similarly sized teats, although they were a little smaller. Scanning for the actress’ name, he found it just below the picture.

’Pictured: loving couple (and stars of the show) Barely Legal and Suck N. Buck.’

‘Suck N. Buck?!’

‘Cut said the N thing was a family tradition! And ‘loving couple?’’

A little while after they’d met, Cut had told Anon her parents were movie stars. Was that not the whole truth? Did she really mean PORN stars!?

‘Maybe I should rethink that ‘not bringing a porno to movie night’ thing.’

Nocturnal Pike looked over the collection of titles that she and Cut had picked out, satisfied. They had finally found the perfect set of movies to put Anon into a scared snuggling mood. Using their combined knowledge, the two of them had picked out the finest collection of fur raising spine chillers ever to hit the big screen.

‘The big guy won’t know what hit him!’

Speaking of, after they’d left him in the action section, he seemed to have wandered off somewhere—a somewhere he was now returning from, with a DVD drifting in his conjured hands. “Hey gals, got something you think will make me scream?”

Cut clopped her hooves excitedly, seemingly unaware of whatever surprise Anon was holding. “You bet! I hope you’re ready Anon! There’s no stallion alive that could handle these.”

It seemed the poor mare just caught herself speaking without thinking, because the second the words left her mouth, she started looking far more afraid than a movie could ever make somepony. “W-wait a second, th-that came out wrong!”

Something in Anon’s posture shifted. He unsurprisingly didn’t seem upset, but instead looked even more excited. As he did so, the DVD in his grip zipped behind his head and out of view, leaving it a mystery. “Is that so? Because I’ve found a little something that’ll scare the pants off of you! Wait, you guys don’t wear pants. Uh, scare the socks off you, then!”

‘Iiiiiiiiiinteresting.’

Clearly it wasn’t actually a horror movie, or else she would have seen him in the horror section with her. So what could it be that would scare the two of them? That’s when Pike realized something—it wasn’t to the two of them; he’d addressed that to Cut specifically.

Whatever it was, it was making Cut nervous. “Wh-what is it?”

“Not telling~!” he said in a way that was equal parts sing-song and smug.

‘Pah, as if he could actually hide something from me!’

It would be foals’ play to just fly around his head and spoil the surprise. Or, she could just let it happen and see what he’d cooked up...

‘That would probably be more fun.’

“So it’s a scare off then?”

He smiled in the way that only a stallion with a secret could. “Ooooh yeah. Ooohoho yeah!”

The three of them soon returned to the house, and the excitement in the air was palpable. All that was left was for the popcorn to finish popping and the marathon could begin.

Anon was insistent that his movie go first. So insistent in fact, he didn’t even wait for the three of them to reach a consensus; he’d just shoved it into the DVD player as soon as they got home. Neither Nocturnal Pike nor Cut really minded, but that didn’t stop the thestral from ribbing him for it.

He was watching the popcorn pop now, while Pike and Cut waited on the couch. Pike was the one sitting closest to the kitchen, while Cut was sitting on the other side of the space the two of them had reserved for him. A space perfectly sized so that the two of them were in the optimal snuggling positions for when the movies got to him.

And to be frank, they probably would.

Much like when he stubbornly insisted on having some of her Thestralian hot sauces, he’d almost certainly bitten off more than he could chew this evening. Although he had surprised her before!

Pike hoped he wouldn’t tonight, though. How lame would it be to have a horror movie marathon where the stallion didn’t get all snuggly? Might as well just have a regular movie marathon at that point!

“Aaaaaaand, done!” she heard Anon call from the kitchen.

Pike grinned. “Finally, let’s get this show on the road!”

As he trotted over to the couch, with the bowl suspended in his magic, she could tell he was positively giddy. Hopping into the allotted space, he briefly wiggled his rump to get comfortable for the long haul. “Everyb-pony ready?”

Pike gave a prompt, “Yep!”

While Cut nervously nibbled on a hoof before she stopped herself. “Any hints on what this is going to be?”

Anon just smiled. “Nope!” And used his magic to hit play on the remote. Pike had already dimmed the lights, so the mood was all set for this feature length presentation to begin.

And begin it did! The first thing she saw is a shot of what was very obviously a movie set meant to look like a tiny city. Like, very very obviously.

‘What kind of budget did this thing have, five bits?’

The set was so cheap she could almost think it was a porno!

‘...’

‘Wait, wait!’

‘He DIDN’T!’

Whipping her head around to look at Cut, Pike could tell she was getting more and more nervous. Her fur was practically standing on end! And she only looked even more strung out when the narrator started talking.

“This is Neighpon outpost one, come in base command! Come in base command, we’re under attack!”

It sounded like he was just speaking into a desk fan and they thought it sounded like a radio. As the narrator continued crying for help, the camera slowly panned over the city, until it came to a stop on a mare wearing a monster costume. Their back was facing the camera, and they’d managed to prop themselves up on their hind legs so the three of them couldn’t see any of their features.

“Send Captain Colt! I repeat send Captain—”

In the middle of his statement the costumed pony brought her forehooves down, crushing one of the clearly foam buildings.

And now that she was back on all fours, Pike knew her identity instantly. Between her legs was a pair of teats that every mare was familiar with.

“BRING ME VIRIGIN!” shouted Suck N. Buck.

This, of course, provoked a very strong reaction in Cut.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” she screamed in a blind panic, onset by the realization she was watching one of her parent’s pornos.

As Pike and Anon started laughing, Cut threw herself off of the couch and started scrambling toward the DVD player. As she desperately races towards it, a masculine voice starts playing.

“Halt Teatzilla! I Captain Co—”

But whatever he was saying was cut off by Cut slamming her hoof into the eject button, launching the disk out of the player and stopping the movie in its tracks. Pike and Anon remained on the couch, laughing long after the movie had stopped, while Cut just stood there, hoof still on the eject, taking the labored breaths of a pony who’d just averted a heart attack.

Eventually, Anon hopped off the couch and merrily trotted over to her. Leaning down to get a good look at her eyes, he asked, “Well, did I getcha?”

Anonymous had to admit that the question was pretty rhetorical; Cut’s scream was evidence enough that she was terrified. But, he wanted to drive home his little victory while he could.

“Y-yeah, you did...” admitted Cut.

‘Woo hoo! Score one for me!’

Plus, her reaction more or less confirmed what he was thinking. “So those were your parents then?”

Before she could answer though, Pike made a surprised sound from the couch. “Huh!? Parents? I thought it was just your mom?”

Cut, looked away embarrassed.

‘Weird, I’d have thought that was something to be proud of.’

“Dad’s... just a regular actor now.”

‘Ha! Good for him.’

‘Wait, does that mean he’s the Equestrian Marilyn Monroe?’

While Anon pondered that, Pike hopped off the couch and went to retrieve the lost disk. As she did, something about the picture on it—which if Anon wasn’t mistaken, was just a still of the stallion—made her pause. “Is this the same stallion from that one famous video?”

“Uh huh,” Cut sighed.

Pike’s eyes widened. “You’re telling me the mare and stallion from ‘Innocent Colt Gets Defiled By Pair of MASSIVE Sweaty Teats’ got married and are also your parents!?”

Cut, red faced, nodded. “Th-that’s where they met, actually.”

Pike did a double take between Cut and the stallion on the DVD, seemingly unable to believe it. “...aw, that’s kind of sweet.”

Anon’s head snapped up at that.

‘Kind of sweet?’

‘Kind of sweet!?’

“More like bucking awesome!” he shouted.

He could tell Cut didn’t feel the same by the look on her face. But why? Her parents were porn stars who met on set! That’s something anyone would have bragged about back home!

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Despite how high energy he was, it seemed Cut was not even remotely feeling it. “I-it’s not what you think Anon... my mom’s not a star because she’s pretty...”

‘What? Cut described them as ‘stars’. How do you become a star in porn if you’re not hot!?’

But as he wondered, the pieces started coming together. The ponies’ contempt for teats, Cut’s self confidence issues... even the allegedly infamous ‘Innocent Colt Gets Defiled By Pair of MASSIVE Sweaty Teats’ all pointed him toward one inescapable conclusion:

Cut’s mom was the Equestrian ugly bastard.

Using his magic, he reached out towards the movie’s case and yanked it over to himself, and took a long hard look at Suck N. Buck.

And honestly? He didn’t see it. Sure, she wasn’t that much of a looker—her face was kind of angular, and she was clearly more out of shape than Cut, but he wouldn’t call her unfuckable.

“Jesus, you Equestrians have really high standards if that’s ugly bastard material.”

Anon heard Pike ‘ugh’ from the couch. “Oh come on, now you’re just kissing flank!”

‘WHAT!?’

He sputtered for a moment at the indignity of it all. “Am not!”

She quirked her brow critically. “Oh yeah? Well what do ‘ugly bastards’ look like back in America then?”

‘Oh God, am I really going to force myself to remember ugly bastard hentai just to prove a point?’

‘Yeah, I guess I am.’

He grimaced momentarily at the thought. “They were like, morbidly obese goblin people! This mare does not look that bad.”

Suddenly right by his ear, Cut blurted out an excited, “Really!?”

‘AAAH!’

Her surprise movement directly next to his face had given him quite a start. “Y-yeah! I mean, really she's not—”

He was cut off when Cut, positively beaming, lunged into hug him, squeezing him tight with all of her earth pony strength!

‘GAHHH! I gotta get her to let go!’

Anon heard as much as felt a sudden crack!

‘W-was that my spine popping?’

‘Actually, nevermind getting her to let go, I feel great now!’

Cut sniffled. “Th-thanks Anon...”

‘Uhhhh.’

He really didn’t feel like he’d even done anything. “...You’re welcome,” he said trepidatiously. After that, still in Cut’s surprisingly iron grip, he turned to Pike.

“What did I do?” he mouthed.

“Her looks got compared to her mom’s a lot.” Pike silently responded.

‘Ohhhhh.’

He got it, now. In that case, it made sense she’d react this way to being told her mom doesn’t look that ugly.

‘Damn, what a fucked up legacy to inherit.’

He gave her one more consoling squeeze before pulling back a bit. “Alright, I think I’ve successfully gotten you back for that stallion comment back at Blockbuster. Let’s get the actual movie marathon underway.”

Pike was already on it though, as next thing he knew, she was by his side with a different movie and a rather smug look on her face. “Wow, Anon, all this for one comment? How very colty of you.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know I was going to try to get us to watch some of it regardless. Her comment just let me think of a more fun way to do it!”

Anon’s comment did little to stop the chuckling that started at his expense, though—from both Cut and Pike!

“Traitor!” He whispered in Cut’s ear.

Which, of course, only made her chuckle become outright laughter.

It was much later, and the three of them were a good way into the first movie.

Honestly, Anon couldn’t believe Pike and Cut thought he’d be scared by this! The “monster” was just a pony in a sheet! Although, based on how neither Pike nor Cut were looking particularly scared themselves, this might’ve been a ploy to lure him into a false sense of security.

It’d be best to keep his guard up for the next film.

This next one? This one was kind of getting to him. It was some ‘lost in the woods’ type movie with a monster that seemed suspiciously like a human werewolf. A werewolf and a lot of long shots where the ponies were running from it, but the werewolf kept an even pace with them.

It just kept going and going and going, and they couldn’t get away!

It was.... admittedly, starting to make him feel pretty anxious.

Cut was clearly feeling it too, although she was trying her hardest to look brave in front of him.

His attention was yanked back to the screen though by the sound of its howl.

‘How does it keep coming!?’

They were on the fifth movie now, and Anon was starting to sense a theme.

A theme that was actually pretty darn effective!

A bunch of inescapable monsters pursuing the protagonists, and the monster itself spending a lot of time staring down the camera—something that his horsey subconscious found very uncomfortable!

They were deep into another chase scene with the two main characters and—’oh God, the red mare on screen just fell and there was a nasty snap!’

“My leg!” she cried, “I can’t feel my leg!”

‘Damn this horse amygdala!’

‘Why does the idea of breaking my leg freak me out so much now!?’

He breathed deep to try and ease some of the mounting tension.

‘Come on Anon, keep it together.’

Cut had already tapped out and was clinging on to him—something she was sure to be embarrassed about later, but Pike only looked mildly worried!

‘I can’t freak out before she does!’

‘I’m no pussy, damn it! These are just movies!’

‘OhGodHereComesTheMonsterHowIsSheGoingToRunAway?’

He’d made it to the last movie, but not unscathed.

Were he of sober mind, this final film would have been nothing to him. But those last six movies did an exceptional job of rattling him, so of sober mind he was not. As things stood, Anon, Cut, and Pike were all holding on to each other for dear life.

This particular movie’s killer was on screen right now, and going in for the final kill. And of course, she had to end it on a chilling line.

“There are no hugs when you’re dead.”

They all screamed. Very loudly.

Chapter 32

View Online

Nocturnal Pike felt that things were going well. Great, even! A few days had gone by since Cut had officially joined the herd, and the three of them were living it up. She’d even only questioned Pike’s unmarely hobbies just once! Pike had completely ignored the question at the time, of course, and Cut hadn’t brought it up again. That meant the matter was settled, right? Right!?

Regardless, today they found themselves starting the same way they did most days: Pike as the acting chef, with Anon and Cut trying to help out to... varying degrees of success.

Anon was fretting as he rummaged through the spice rack. “Oh God, what spice did the teacher say went well with savory foods?”

Cut wasn’t doing much better. “I think I remember my mom always using Bay leaves...”

Pike just rolled her eyes at the culinary impotency of these ponies. “We’re making haybacon. Quick just pass me the garlic and thyme.” Anon did just that, and Pike sprinkled liberal amounts of both on the strips.

‘There! That should be perfect.’

Removing the strips of the skillet, she evenly distributed them upon the three plates she had taken out.

‘Ah, bacon and eggs, a staple of any breakfast!’

Turning around with the foodstuffs, Pike saw a sight that made her sigh. Anon had already pulled the hot sauce out. It wasn’t even the authentic Thestralian hot sauce, but the extra spicy variant! “Anon, give yourself a break already. You are just not built to handle that kind of spice!”

When he replied, he didn’t so much speak to Pike as he spoke to the bottle. “Never! Besides, I told you if we’re visiting your family for the holidays I need to train myself until I can handle your dad’s home cooking!”

Passing him a plate, PIke watched with more than a little despair as he started adding sauce to it. “And I told you we don’t use that kind of spice in all our dishes! It's not like you’ll have to go hungry!”

The stallion just grabbed a forkful of the egged up sauce, and gave her a steely look. “It's not about being hungry, it's about sending a message. A message that I can hang with my F.F.’s parents.” Shoving the eggs in his mouth, he began eating in earnest.

Pike shook her head and turned to Cut, knowing that the only thing about to come out of Anon’s mouth for the next five minutes, were sounds of pain. “So, anything interesting happen to you and Anon at work?”

Cut, not used to just letting a colt hurt himself, bless her heart, was constantly shifting her gaze to check on Anon as she answered. “N-not really, but Aunt Jargon hasn’t said anything about how I smell like Anon and vice versa, yet.”

Pike could hear the sound of Anon jumping out of his chair and trotting in place behind her.

‘Anon, just let yourself start doing laps, all you’re doing by resisting is making it worse!’

Pike tried not to roll her eyes as she continued the conversation. “You think she’ll make a big deal out of it?”

Cut frowned, frustrated. “It's not what Jargon herself will do, it’s…” She heaved an exasperated sigh.” “It’s what my entire family will do once Jargon tells them.”

Pike twitched an ear as she heard Anon make a beeline for the fridge, having once again lost the fight against the sauce. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Nocturnal Pike, clutching a timer in her wingclaw, hit the start button. “Aaaand, go!”

The assembled guardsmares took off, sprinting down the track. Today was the mile run, and Pike had to make sure everypony was up to snuff. Normally she’d be running out there with them, but the usual pony who kept time was out sick. It turns out that standing in the cold and blowing snow for hours on end made you more likely to catch a cold. Who would have thought?

Watching as the mares ran around the (thankfully plowed) track, a few things were becoming apparent already. For starters, Night Sky was already falling behind.

“You can do it poindexter!”

Pike could see Night roll her eyes from her spot beside the track, but she did start running a little faster.

‘Nice.’

As she continued to watch her subordinates, the batpony became aware of a pony approaching from her side. Turning to face the mare, but keeping an eye on the stopwatch, Pike saw she was a courier.

As the courier reached her, she saluted. “Sergeant Nocturnal Pike?”

Pike saluted back. “Yes indeed, at ease.”

Putting her hoof down, the messenger mare reached into her saddlebags and pulled out a piece of paper. “Telegram for you, it’s marked urgent.”

‘Oh buck.’

There was only one pony Pike knew who still bothered to use telegrams.

As the sergeant took it, the courier chuckled awkwardly. “I didn’t even know we still had telegrams.”

Tucking it under her wing, Pike sighed and turned back to the track. “I wish we didn’t... HEY! Don’t think I didn’t just see you trotting Astral! It's a run not a frolic!”

Only after all the mares had crossed the finish line did Pike dare to check the telegram, and it was exactly as she’d feared.

“Nocturnal business is taking me to Canterlot in the next few days stop we’re getting breakfast on Saturday stop I’ll be staying at the castle inn stop see you at twelve pm sharp stop Star Mapper stop”

Sighing, she crumpled the paper up.

‘Why can’t mom just call like a normal pony!?’

At least then she could weasel out of it. Pike liked visiting her family... occasionally, but seeing her mom was always the part she hated the most. Although she supposed she could just pretend she hadn’t received the telegram...

No, her mother would never go for that, and Pike would never hear the end of it come Hearth's Warming. Better to just go.

But on the subject of parents, that reminded her of the chat Pike and Cut had earlier. Pike had to wonder how things were going on that front...

It had been a slow month for J. Jargon Justification. They’d pushed out a lot of fluff pieces about ponies getting ready for the holidays for the last several days; nothing nearly as bombastic as when the Kirin came to visit. Such is the news, she supposed. If sales dipped too much, she could always just have one of her mares make news out of something. That, or have Anon write another piece on winter fashion—she knew he’d whine about that, though.

Speaking of, as she sat at her desk and looked out the glass walls, Jargon could see that very colt chatting away with her niece. They had been spending an awful lot of time together as of late. Did she finally...?

‘HA! No way.’

Jargon loved her niece, but the idea she would ask somepony out? Preposterous.

Although, Anon was definitely the type of firecracker that might’ve asked her.

‘Hmf, look at yourself Jargon, spinning yarns like a bored househusband.’

The mare had no reason to speculate when she could just do this:

“CUT!” she shouted, “GET IN HERE!” She couldn’t help but chuckle to herself as her nervous niece leapt off of her chair and made a mad dash for Jargon’s office.

As she ran in, Cut gave her her best attempt at a salute. “Yes, Au- I mean, Chief?”

Something in the room already smelled different, but Jargon wanted to be sure. “Close the door.”

Cut did so, looking confused the whole time. And ooooh filly, the moment she did, Jargon knew that it was exactly as she’d thought. She could smell not one, but two extra ponies on that mare!

‘Somepony’s been snuggling!’

She planted her forehooves on the desk and put on the most serious face she could. “Cut, I need you to answer me honestly. Have you been snuggling that colt?”

Cut’s alarmed look only further supported her theory. “Y-you know, Chief, I-I’m an adult so I don’t see how—”

“AHAHA, I KNEW IT!” Jargon’s shout made Cut jump, but she didn't care. This was the best news she’d heard in months! “Does your mom already know? No, she doesn’t, does she?”

Jargon didn’t even give Cut the chance to answer, the guilty look on her face told her all she needed to know. “You’ve got to give her a- no actually I want to hear the sound of her voice when I tell her!”

‘I’ve gotta get on the phone ASAP!’

She could already imagine her reaction, and it was going to be great!

Out of habit, Jargon called out, projecting her voice through the closed door. “CUT! I need you make a call to—”

That’s when she realized the problem with that.

“Wait, you're standing in front of me. Nevermind.”

Cut, the poor mare, looked thoroughly befuddled, and was just standing there in dumbfound silence.

‘Is it weird that I rely on my chief editor to make my calls?’

‘...Nah. At least until I actually get myself a secretary.’

Picking up the phone, Jargon started punching in her sister’s number. Hopefully she and Barely weren’t busy.

Cut noisily cleared her throat. “Ahem.”

‘Oh, she’s still here.’

Jargon glared at the mare and waved her off. “Well, wait are you waiting for, permission? Get back to work!”

“We’ll be on the next train out.”

It was Thursday. And for Nocturnal Pike, it was a very annoying Thursday.

It turned out that the mares in charge of records forgot to tell her that half her squad’s first-aid certifications had expired. So guess who got told she had to find a first aid instructor to teach them before the week was out? That’s right, she did!

Oh well; at least she was actually able to find one. Pike went ahead and signed the whole squad up, just in case. Except for herself of course—all the squad leaders had their own certification that they renewed every year. Which was why Pike was going to spend the day in her office, checking every one of her squads files personally.

Keyword there being ‘was.’

What Pike was actually doing was making her way to the conference room. Apparently, some Day Court petitioner had ‘demanded’ to speak to her personally.

‘Great, as if I needed that today.’

Arriving at the door, the guard on station saluted and pushed it open to let the sergeant inside.

Taking a look around, Pike noted that it was a small and sparsely furnished room, with only a circular table, about six chairs, and one window. Seated in the chair opposite the entrance was an Earth Pony, and an older one at that. Her coat was a charcoal grey color, with a black mane that was starting to turn silver at the roots. Her first reaction upon seeing the batpony was to simply grunt, and extinguish the cigar she had in her mouth.

As Pike actually entered the room and made her way around the table, the older mare extended a hoof. “So you must be Pike.”

Meeting the hoofbump, Pike spent a moment sizing her up. “Sergeant Pike.”

As the thestral took the seat next to the earth pony's, the older mare gave a quick, dismissive glance before leaning back in her own seat like she owned the place. “You’re a lot shorter than I expected.”

And just like that, the meeting was already off to a bad start.

‘EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!’

The same professionalism that kept her scream internal allowed her to suppress her first instinct to sock the mare in the face. “Might I ask why you’re here, miss...?” She answered back through gritted teeth.

“Oh right, of course! Forgive me, J. Jargon Justification at your service.”

The name jogged her memory immediately.

‘This is the chief of Anon’s paper!’

‘What the buck could she want?’

As if to answer the question, the newsmare continued. “Listen, I’ll cut to the chase. Tomorrow at one PM, I need you at the Canterlot Canterer office.”

Well, Pike could at least appreciate the frankness. “Why?”

“Can’t tell you.”

Pike briefly glanced around the room to see if her squad was going to jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ Unfortunately it seemed she would have no such luck.

‘Is this mare for real? Does she seriously think I can just walk out and spend the day milling about somewhere just because somepony asked?’

“So, you’re going to be there, right?”

‘Oh sweet Luna she does.’

Pike had a long career of dealing with pushy civilians, and this mare was triggering every one of her warning bells—and then some. The difference this time though, was the fact that she couldn’t just tell her to buck off and leave it at that. She had direct power over her stallion and her herdsister, so Pike needed to approach this with tact.

“Ma’am, I can’t just spend the day off doing... something on a whim.”

Surprisingly she adjusted her posture, leaning in to be more attentive toward her.

‘Seems like she’s now interested in negotiating.’

“You’re not just doing ‘something’! You’re doing something vital! Listen, I need a guard at my office tomorrow and that guard needs to be you!”

‘Just what is she getting at?’

“If need be I can see about sending a detachment—”

Jargon pounded her hoof on the table. “I don’t need some guards, I need you!”

The thestral resisted the urge to rest her forehead on her hoof and sigh.

‘It's like talking to a wall.’

Pike barely suppressed a frown. “Look, this would be a lot easier if you’d just tell me what you needed me for! Was there a threat? Are you in danger?”

“Why? Shouldn’t the fact a respected citizen is requesting your presence be enough?”

This time, Pike didn’t resist the urge. “No, no it is not.”

Jargon looked perplexed, and somewhat offended, before she glanced around the room in thought. She did that for about a minute or so, one which Pike simply abided by.

“Aha!” she said suddenly, “Let’s say, I have evidence of a snuggling syndicate, right here in the guard!” She accented each word with a wave of her hoof, like she was framing a headline. But the pauses made it sound like she just came up with it on the spot.

“And?”

“And I need your help to confirm it before I blow the whistle! There’s a reason we haven’t had to print a retraction in twenty years!”

‘Does she really think I’ll buy that?’

“Ma’am I—”

“Look.” Jargon leaned in, hushing her voice slightly. “It’s about Cut, okay? And it’s really important that you be there.”

Pike had a sudden flashback to what Cut had told her a day ago, and her worries about how her family might react.

The earth pony’s face hardened. “Now, either you can agree to this horseapple story now, or I can take it to the Princess and bombard her with it until she orders you to come by.”

‘Pah, as if Princess Luna would buy tha—’

But that’s when Pike remembered that Princess Luna wasn’t on duty right now, her sap of an older sister was. The same one who got fooled by that oversized gnat. She probably actually would have a formal investigation launched, even when Jargon’s story turned out to be just that—a story. And a formal investigation was something Pike did NOT want to bucking deal with.

“Alright, fine. I’ll be there,” she answered, suppressing a grimace.

Jargon smiled, and leaned back again. The smug satisfaction radiated off her like the heat of the sun. “I knew you’d see reason.”

‘Yeah ‘reason’.’

Hoping to the Stars that’s all she wanted, Pike got out of her chair. “If that’s all, then I’ll be going. I have some paperwork I need to file for tomorrow, and Jargon?”

She made a sound akin to “Hmm?”

Pike glared at the mare. “If this is a waste of my time, the best you can expect to face is a fine for wrongful use of guardsmare time.”

She smiled and let out some kind of half laugh, half wheeze. “Haha! Good thing it’ll be well worth it. See you at one!”

Pike left the room without a second glance, closing the door behind her. Somepony would come to see her out, she was sure.

‘Bucking unbelievable, this better be important.’

As she started making her way down the hallway, she was stopped by a voice to her left.

“I thought for sure you were going to bite her head off, Sarge.”

‘Hey, that sounded like…’

“Specialist Mulberry!” Pike sternly greeted the mare as she turned to face her. “Why aren’t you with the others? I distinctly remember ordering the whole squad to get recertified.”

The mare, colored the same as her name, saluted. “Ma’am, I got my certification last month, so Sepulcher put me on assignment, ma’am.”

‘Grrrrr.’

Pike didn’t like Sepulcher going around her like that, but she supposed in this case it was fair. Mulberry was her field medic; of course her first aid certificate was extremely up to date. So, Pike relaxed, glad the mare wasn’t just playing hooky.

The specialist chuckled. “For a moment I thought I was going to have to make use of my first aid training.”

‘Why? Was there an incident?’

Pike looked around for any sign of some altercation she could be talking about, but the sergeant saw no sign of one. “What for?”

Mulberry pointed behind Pike, and following her gesture, she saw a departing Jargon. “I heard most of what you two were talking about, I thought you were going to start a fight when she called you short. And then again when she accused us of hosting a snuggle syndicate.”

Pike shrugged. “Eh, didn’t seem worth it.”

Mulberry seemed taken aback by the comment. “Heh, no offence, Sarge, but I’d never have thought I’d hear you say that.”

‘Hm...’

For a moment, Pike was going to deny it, but the mare had a point. Jargon not only attacked her pride as a mare, but also as a leader. Even though it was a fabrication, she still implied a snuggle syndicate could run under Pike’s nose without her noticing it. Which is something past-Pike would have absolutely at least cussed her out for.

‘Huh, I suppose I have mellowed out some.’

‘Mellowed out?’ That little voice inside her head scoffed. ‘You’re going soft.’

Pike frowned. “Things change, Specialist. Things change.”

Chapter 33

View Online

A worrisome 24 hours later, and Nocturnal Pike was making her way downtown. Specifically, toward the Canterlot Canterer’s office. She’d told Jargon she’d be there, and Pike certainly didn’t want the newsmare making good on her threat of taking her bogus story to Celestia. So there she was, walking down the street with Anon and Cut to her right. Anon was standing in the middle of course; the stallion should be protected from as many sides as possible, after all.

“So Jargon basically blackmailed you into coming?” he asked.

Pike sighed, still annoyed that this even happened. “That’s the short version.”

Cut nervously tittered. “I’m really sorry... again.”

Pike shook her head. “It's not your fault you're related to a weirdo.”

The office soon came into sight, and it looked strangely... dark. All the windows were closed and the lights were off.

‘I don’t like this.’

Looking to Cut and Anon, it seemed they both noticed it too. Coming to a stop, Anon looked over the office and frowned. “Well that’s not right. Are we early?”

Cut briefly checked the sun’s position. For some reason, Jargon had told them to specifically come at one. “No. If anything, we're late. Oh Celestia WE’RE LATE!”

She broke into a gallop, intending to rush the building. But after a handful of steps, Anon grabbed the earth pony by the tail, stopping her in her tracks as her tail was pulled taut. A small blush broke out on her face, but Anon didn’t seem to notice. “Hold on, Cut, something’s up. We should go in at the same time.”

Cut coughed into her hoof, hoping to disguise the blush, as the other two ponies stepped up side by side with her. “R-right.”

With a wry grin, Anon looked down at Pike. “What do you think, is Jargon trying to assassinate us?”

The batpony sniggered. “Anon, don't be ridiculous.” Leaning in, she started to whisper in his ear. “My bet is...”

Cut N. Paste, along with Anon and Pike, were standing at the top of the stairs, at the door to the office floor. The other three floors were dark and empty, so whatever was going on was on the other side of that door. Steeling her nerves, Cut put a hoof on the bar and pushed the door open, allowing the three of them to walk inside. It was dark on this floor too; she couldn't see anything.

“Pike, you got night vision, what do you see?” asked Anon.

She just chuckled. “Called it.”

All at once, Cut found herself blinded as the lights came on, and deafened by a large group of ponies shouting, “SURPRISE!”

Cut’s heart jumped into her throat. As her eyes adjusted, she saw the office had been cleared and turned into the setting for a surprise party. A party whose attendance consisted of most of Cut’s family: her parents, their herd, a lot of her siblings, aunt Jargon, and even some of aunt Jargon’s herd. All of them were gathered to celebrate one thing, and they’d made a custom banner to proclaim it to the world.

‘Oh Celestia NO! THEY DIDN’T!’

‘Congratulations Cut on not being lesbo!’

Cut felt the bottom drop out of her stomach.

‘I gotta get Anon and Pike out of here before my family makes a fool out of me!’

But it was much too late; before she could even shout a warning, her dad had her wrapped up in a tight hug. As he squeezed her, he gave the mare a big kiss on the cheek and... ‘are those tears in his eyes?’

“Oooooooh! Look at my little Cookie-cutter, all grown up!” he wept.

Desperately wriggling, Cut managed to pry herself out of his grip. “D-dad, I’ve had my cutie mark for years!”

Suddenly she was slapped on the back. “Yeah, but that doesn’t matter half as much as what we’re here to celebrate today!” came the gravelly voice of her mother.

The other gathered ponies cheered in agreement.

‘Oh Celestia, strike me dead…’

Her dad was full on bawling as he threw his forehooves around her again. “Oooo-hooo-hooo to think my little filly has finally found love after all this time!”

“D-dad please!” Cut desperately looked to Anon, praying he and Pike weren't laughing too hard.

Surprisingly... they weren’t. Sure, they both occasionally chuckled, but their grins were far from mocking. In fact, Anon’s smile almost looked sad.

‘Oh Celestia now mom’s looking at him too.’

“So you must be the lucky stud!”

Anon walked over to her, offering his hoof. “That I am.”

As he got closer to her, she seemed taken aback by how tall he was up close. Though, to be fair, Cut was too. Running her gaze from his head to his hooves, she met his hoofbump. “Well you’re quite the big fella, aren’t you?”

‘Oh no.’

Anon’s smile turned evil in a very familiar way. “It’s funny you say that, cuz that’s exactly what Cut said last night!”

A beat of silence passed through the whole room as the collected ponies processed what Anon had just said. Then, two ponies broke out into laughter: Anon and mom. Okay, Pike chuckled a little bit too, but she was rolling her eyes, so it doesn’t count.

“And he’s funny!” shouted Cut’s mom in between bouts of laughter. The other gathered ponies, including her dad, all let out several variations of “ehhhh” and pointedly chose not to look at the duo.

After that, the party entered full swing.

Ponies were mixing, mingling, catching up, and generally no longer focusing on Cut N. Paste, thank Celestia. After making all the necessary introductions, Pike of all ponies ended up chatting with Cut’s dad, leaving the earth pony and Anon with her mother, Suck N. Buck.

This, unfortunately, had emboldened her to change tack to even racier topics. “So, was your first teat smothering everything I told you it would be?”

Looking away from her, Cut hoped it hid her grimace—and her blush.

‘Come on, mom! Sure not everypony is listening, but you’re still in public!’

“It was certainly everything I could have ever wanted!” Anon boasted.

Her mom guffawed for the upteeth time. “You may pick ‘em late, foal, but when you do you really knock him out of the park!” As if that comment wasn’t bad enough, she leaned into Cut’s ear to continue. “You know he’s here for the long run too. When a stallion built like that lets you rest your teats on his face, you know he likes it.”

‘Oh please mom for the love of Celestia!’

“So I gotta know, did practicing on that pillow with the stallion on it help?”

Every silent second after Suck said it, Cut's face drifted further and further into abject horror.

‘AHHHHHH! She promised she’d never bring it up again!’

Anon turned to face her, with a distinctly inequine look on his face. It reminded Cut of a predator going in for the kill. “What’s this about a pillow with a stallion on it?”

Anonymous smelled blood in the water!

Well not really. Sure, it sounded bad. After all, the first thing he’d always think of when he heard ‘pillow with a stallion on it’ would be an anime body pillow, and Cut knew that. There was no way that’s what it actually was, though. No parent would ever just casually mention their child’s anime body pillow.

Cut’s mom, however, seemed keen on testing that theory. “So when Cut was younger she used to read these... oh Celestia what were they? Mangos?”

‘Oh my God.’

“M-manga, mom.”

“That’s it! Manga!”

‘OH MY GOD!’

“Cut,” Anon interrupted before Suck could continue, “did you have an anime body pillow?”

At the phrase ‘anime body pillow’ she turned as white as a sheet.

‘...’

‘HOLY SHIT SHE TOTALLY DID!’

Anon was trying not to laugh, he really was, but it was a battle he was rapidly losing.

“Oh you’ve heard of them? Ha! No wonder Cut went for you.”

The stallion was grinning ear to ear. Cut was the kind of mare that would own a dakimakura. And speaking of, she looked like she was about to die of embarrassment. Her face was as red as a tomato, and she was doing that cute thing where she hid her face in her hooves.

‘Awwwwwww.’

Alright, it was time to loosen the noose a little bit; he didn’t want her feeling insecure about this for the rest of the day. Giving her a little side elbow in the ribs, he gave her a smile that was more earnest.

“Sooooo, who’s your husbando?”

Cut blinked in apparent surprise, but then her mood seemed to lift instantly as she beamed a bright, if awkward smile. It appears that in the horror of being outed as owning a body pillow, she had forgotten an important fact—a fact she was reminded about by his proper use of ‘husbando’: The fact that Anon, deep down, was also a massive nerd who watched anime.

Cut was hesitant to answer, blushing a completely different way as she averted her eyes. Which he understood. It would be strangely intimate, and awkward, to share his anime waifu with a real life significant other. But eventually, she worked up the nerve to answer.

“Tatsu from Way of the Househusband.” Undoubtedly, his expression reflected how owlish he felt. Cut continued with a bit of a jab. “Although you probably know it as something stupid, knowing how your home treats media.”

Anon was quiet for a moment. “It's about a Yakuza boss that gives up his power to become a househusband, right?”

Cut was stunned. “Y-you’ve seen it? Do you... like it?”

Based on her reaction, it sounded like he really had seen it.

‘Why on earth is that something that’s remained constant!?’

Still, he couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, it’s funny.”

Cut practically exploded in joy. “It's so cool isn’t it!? Tatsu using his bad-flank skills! And he’s so handsome! I just want to scoop him up and tell him his troubles are over and he can be my house husband t—” Her gushing abruptly cut off, likely because she realized she was gushing about a manga character to her mom and coltfriend. “Ahem, yes. I like the series a lot.”

Suck, with an amused look on her face, chose then to speak up. “Hehe yeah she does! There’s an imports shop a few blocks from our place in Las Pegasus, Cut used to go there every first of the month to buy the new volume and anything related to it they had in stock. So many posters...”

‘Ah, that explains how she’s mainlined so much anime without the internet.’

“And one day I’m going there because I want to get a little something for her birthday, and what do I see? The colt she had so many posters of, on a pony sized pillow! I knew I had to get it the moment I saw it!”

It was at that moment something occurred to him. Did Suck not understand what kind of people own dakimakuras? What people think of people who own dakimakuras?

“Figured if she loved this colt so much, she’d appreciate being able to practice snuggling and smothering him, but noooooooooo! If she had had her way, the most this filly would have ever done to that pillow was sleep next to it ‘respectfully.’”

‘Haha what!?’

‘WHAT?’

Looking to Cut, Anon expected to see an embarrassed look that would confirm Suck’s statement, but instead she looked inflamed! “Because Tatsu is a PURE husbando who’s smile needs to be PROTECTED! You wanted me to shove my teats in his face like he was a common hussy!”

‘No FUCKIN WAY!’

‘She didn’t even fuck the pillow!?’

‘That’s-!’

...Actually, he wasn’t sure if that was better or worse.

Suck just rolled her eyes; clearly this was a conversation they’d had before. “You needed the practice. Practice that paid off, eh?” she asked as she elbowed Cut in the ribs. An action that made Cut cross her hooves and start grumbling.

‘Wait, is she saying practicing on a pillow actually helped? How?’

While Cut continued to grumble, Suck leaned in and whispered to him. “I tell ya, the only way I got her to put her teats on that pillow’s face was by threatening to put my teats on it if she didn’t! She was not happy.”

But Suck didn’t whisper it quietly enough, because the fire was immediately put back in Cut’s eyes. “MOM!”

Her mother just cackled. “She still isn’t! Ehehehehe!”

Meanwhile, just a few feet over, by sheer chance, Nocturnal Pike found herself talking to Cut’s dad instead of her mom. Barely had left her a little star struck, honestly. The stallion was a movie star and he looked it. Despite being practically the same age as her dad, he didn’t look nearly that old! His emerald coat was luminescent and she couldn’t see a hint of grey in his seafoam green mane. His face was also free of the wrinkles that marred Suck’s visage.

It made her wonder how he ended up with a mare that looked like her.

And if what some mares say about certain unicorns was true, he’d still be looking like this for a while.

‘Oooooh, maybe Anon got that same gene and he’ll look 25 forever!’

Pike certainly wouldn’t complain. Hubba hubba.

“So Cut still can’t cook?” he asked, pulling her back out of her head.

“No way, not unless it's ramen.”

Barely shook his head, tutting all the while. “I told that filly that if she wanted to get a stallion she needed to learn how to take care of herself!” He sighed. “Oh well. At least it seems to be working out.”

Pike shrugged. “I can handle most of that stuff anyway.”

Her statement visibly surprised the stallion. “Really? I’d have thought a macho guard mare like yourself would have thought such things unmarely.”

They were.

Pike started rubbing the back of her neck nervously. ‘Why are you doing that?’

“It’s not a big deal, r-really.”

Barely didn’t start berating her though; he only smiled approvingly. “Good to hear. I’m happy to know my Cut is in the hooves of a good alpha.”

‘W-what?’

‘I just admitted to doing something decidedly unmarely. W-wouldn’t that make me a bad alpha?’

“You’re not disappointed Cut isn’t the alpha?”

Barely chuckled. “Even in her teen fantasies when she was gluing pictures of herself onto her comic posters, she was a beta. So I’m just happy she’s a beta to an alpha who cares.”

‘Aw, that’s sweet, and entirely fitting for Cut.’

‘The mare really was born to be a bet—’

‘Wait, what was that part in the middle?’

“Did you say, ‘gluing pictures of herself onto posters’?”

Barely struck her as being much too blasé about something like that. “Oh you know, just the normal stuff fillies who are into those comics from Neighpon do. That’s how she got her cutie mark, actually. If I hadn’t seen the poster before she edited it, I never would have realized she’d even done anything!”

‘Does Barely not understand how weird that sounds?’

No offense to Cut, but that was kind of bucking weird, and he did not sound like somepony who thought that was weird.

“Isn’t that a little... you know... odd?”

He looked like he’d never even considered the notion. “No? Isn’t that what most ponies do when they really like one of those books?”

‘Oh no, this poor stallion.’

“I’ll admit Suck and I never really... understood it, but she always looked so happy. And I’m sure she’s told you how rough school was on her, so…” He sighed. “We wanted to be supportive.”

It was little wonder Cut ended up so awkward. Her parents who wanted to support her just ended up enabling her. What a shame.

Barely turned a concerned eye to Pike. “It wasn’t that unusual, right?”

She kept her face neutral, but inside, she was screaming. Her options here were either lie, or shatter this stallion’s perception of how good of a parent he was.

‘Definitely think the former is the wiser option here.’

“No, no. I mean, I wasn’t into that stuff, but I’m sure it's fine.”

Barely heaved a sigh of relief. “Good, good. She always looked so nervous whenever we’d bring it up when she came to visit, so I was starting to worry.”

‘Oh Luna, am I going to Tartarus for such a bold faced lie?’

‘...No, that was totally the right call.’

Hoping to move on, Pike opened her mouth to start a new topic of conversation—but before she could start, she was interrupted by the sound of Cut’s voice.

“MOM!”

Followed by laughter, which she assumed was coming from Suck. Glancing over at the pair, it seemed they were having some sort of disagreement. A big one too, considering Cut was actually fired up.

After observing the scene, Barely “tut-tutted” once again. “Come on, let’s go save your coltfriend from ‘trough talk.’”

After Barely had butted in to, as he said ‘rescue’ him, Anonymous decided that it was as good a time as any to excuse himself to take advantage of the refreshments. And that’s where he found himself, looking over the table with a little paper plate floating in his magic.

‘Hmmm, let’s see…’

‘Will rot my teeth out, will rot my teeth out, will rot my teeth out, might rot my teeth out…’

‘Did these MF’s not bring anything savory? Like cheese?’

He began to think he might not get anything. But as he was about to turn away, he heard Pike’s voice echo in his head.

’Anon, you know that if you want to use that much magic, you’ll need more sugar in your diet.’

He frowned. He didn’t like it, but she was right!

‘Alright, looks like it’s a cupcake covered in a solid chocolate shell for me.’

As he took the treat, a familiar voice spoke up from behind him. “Well look at you, Anonymous!”

That was a mare he hadn’t heard in a long time. Turning to face the voice, he saw Tender Care, the social worker Celestia tasked with assisting him when he’d first come here. “Tendies! What are you doing here?”

She chuckled at his use of the nickname he’d given her. “Jargon invited me, wanted me to see your progress first hoof.”

‘Oh! Well how surprisingly thoughtful of Jargon.’

Celestia had asked him to keep the mare updated himself, but with everything that’d been happening he’d been sort of... not doing that.

“And might I say what progress you’ve made! You’ve really come a long way, Anon.”

‘I really have, haven’t I?’

He’d gone from a complete maladjust who spent his time either at home or drinking alone, to an actual, productive member of society! He beamed, just a little, as he gave himself a mental pat on the back.

“You even went and got yourself a herd with two exceptional mares! Ha, I remember way back when you told me you would never have a herd.”

Right... he did say that.

He’d always found the idea of dating more than one person absurd.

‘So how can you live with yourself?’

‘You’re practically leaving Pike in the dust you piece of shi—’

‘...I... I need to talk to Pike about that.’

After Anon had recently realized how much more time he’d be spending with Cut, due to them both working at the same place, his conscience hadn’t been kind to him. He’d tried to find some solution—teleportation, astral projection, cloning—but nothing seemed like it’d work long term.

And what would it mean if he spent so much more time with Cut?

‘Will Pike feel neglected?’

‘Will Cut feel stifled?’

‘Will they both lea—’

Crushing that train of thought before it could ruin this pleasant event, he looked over to the subjects of his anxiety: Pike and Cut. Despite how he thought they should feel about sharing a boyfriend, they both looked so... happy.

‘What would I do without them?’

“Yeah, the two of them are quite something, aren’t they?”

There must have been something about the way he said that, because Tender starts laughing. “I should think, considering they tamed such a wild spirit like you!”

He didn’t really see what was funny about that, but he laughed along. The mare had done, or at least tried to do, so much for him, that he could at least pretend she was funny. But the degree of forced laughter served as a great reminder of why he wasn’t dating just anypony. Mares could say some really weird shit sometimes.

‘‘Taming’ my ‘wild spirit’?’

He’d pass on any mare who said that to him.

Much later on, the party was starting to wind down. Now that the three of them had met and spoken with most of the attendees, Anon, Cut, and Nocturnal Pike were planning on heading out. However, the batpony still had a piece of unfinished business: she wasn’t leaving without talking to Jargon.

At least she wasn’t avoiding her, so finding the newsmare on the outskirts of the party was easy.

As Pike approached her, Jargon smiled, looking much too pleased with herself. “Well Sergeant, am I going to the dungeon?”

Pike frowned.

‘I don’t like this mare.’

“You’re looking much too happy for a pony who just committed a felony.”

Jargon’s smile faltered for a fraction of an instant, just long enough for Pike to catch it. “But was I right? Was this worth your time or what?”

It was, but Pike didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of actually saying it. “Blackmailing a guard is a serious crime, Jargon; don’t do it again.”

Turning away from the mare, expecting that to be the end of it, Pike found herself coming face to face with a furious Barely.

‘Guess he was eavesdropping.’

Stomping past her, he immediately started shouting at Jargon. “YOU DID WHAT!?”

Jargon's smile completely vanished off her face. “Oh, Barely! Well, I had to make sure she came to the party, so—”

“UNBELIEVABLE!” he shouted. “What is wrong with you!?” Spinning one hundred and eighty degrees, he was suddenly facing Pike again, with a completely different mood. “Pike honey, I am SO sorry. Please let me make this up to you later.”

She just dumbly nodded, stunned.

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Jargon trying to sneak away—something Barely noticed too, despite the fact he was facing away from her. Whirling back around to face her, he immediately went back to being furious. “And WHERE do you think YOU’RE GOING?”

Jargon stopped in her tracks and shot Pike a pleading look.

A look she wholly ignored as she turned and walked away.

Chapter 34

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Anonymous found the rest of the party to be relatively uneventful. Cut got to cut the cake, he and Pike got to chat with Cut’s parents a little more, and Anon only got perved on by one of Cut’s sisters once! That mare wouldn't be trying to sneak another peek at a stallion's balls anytime soon; Pike seemed just about ready to bite her head off! Literally!

But as the three of them made ready to leave though, Cut’s parents revealed that the surprises weren’t all done yet. They’d gifted the herd an all expenses paid dinner at some super fancy restaurant, and had promised to come by the apartment tomorrow night with a scrapbook full of Cut’s foalhood photos. So of course, as the three of them sat at a VIP booth at “Ne Me Blesse Pas, Je Ne Parle Pas Poney,” Cut had already responded to her imminent embarrassment by ordering a bottle of wine.

And was already most of the way through it.

Anon saw Pike raise an eyebrow as she glanced over the menu. “Are you sure they meant anything we want? Some of this stuff would be a sizable portion of my paycheck.”

Cut downed another glass of wine like a champ before answering. “Urp, Yep. Even if they weren’t already swimming in bits, Dad just got a new movie deal so they’ve officially got more bits than they know what to do with.”

Since the booth was circular, and Anon was sitting in the middle, again, Cut was able to drunkenly drape herself over him. “You can get anything your cute butt desires...”

She obviously must’ve been saying that to him, but...

‘Pike was the one who asked…’

“So was that to me, or Pike?”

Cut instantly shot upright, seemingly sobering up a little bit. “Ahem, you of course!” Anon and Pike chuckled at the fear in her voice—a chuckling that prompted her to sigh and push the bottle away. “M-maybe I should lay off the wine a little.”

“I don’t know,” Pike began as she grabbed the bottle and poured herself a glass, “if I knew my parents were coming with a scrapbook, I’d want to get trashed A.S.A.P. too.”

That, surprisingly, didn’t lift Cut’s spirits. Instead, she started slowly nudging her wine glass, spinning it in a circle while looking quite melancholy. “No you wouldn’t...”

A confused glance passed between Anon and Pike.

Pike fidgeted uncomfortably for a moment before asking. “Whaaaat do you mean?”

Cut sighed. “You wouldn’t need alcohol to deal with anxiety about your herdmates, who’ve been nothing but understanding, seeing your embarrassing foalhood photos. It wouldn’t even faze you.”

Anon tried to come up with something he could say to the contrary of that, but he couldn’t; she was right. As he turned to Pike, he could see she was clearly thinking the exact same thing.

‘Oh God, Cut’s looking really sad now. Quick! Come up with something comforting!’

Pulling his inner confidence out, Anon began. “And there’s nothing wrong with you being different!”

But she remained unconvinced, still quietly turning her glass, as his inner confidence deflated.

‘I gotta find a way to salvage this.’

‘Maybe I can—’

Breaking the awkward silence, Cut quietly, haltingly piped up. “P-Pike, can I ask you something?”

Pike didn’t hesitate to answer. “Of course.”

Cut took a deep breath, likely trying to steel her nerves. Then, with a great deal of effort, she spoke. “Can you teach me to be more confident? More... marely?”

‘Oh, that’s a great idea!’

‘If anyone could do it, it’d be Pike.’

But as enthusiastic as Anon was at the idea, Pike looked like she disagreed. In fact, she was looking about as down as Cut did. “Are you sure? I-I’m not sure I’m the best pony for the job...”

‘Excuse me? Where’s this coming from?’

It was a question Anon wanted to vocalize, but whatever spell had a hold on Pike was one she quickly snapped out of.

“Wait, what am I saying? Oh course I can help! I’m the mareliest mare in Canterlot!” In a classic Pike move, she puffed out her tuft. “Just leave it to me, Cut! I’ll have you bold and brash in no time!”

Cut didn’t seem to register what Pike had said before she started talking, still keeping her head lowered in depression. “Okay, I underst—” Then her head shot upright so violently it knocked her empty glass aside. “Wait, really!?”

Pike also rocketed up, propping her forehooves on the table in an attempt to look as tall as Cut before shouting “Buck yeah!”

Cut, lost in elation, threw her hooves in the air. “WOO!”

“Ahem.”

All at once, the appearance of a fourth pony brought their celebration to an abrupt end. That fourth pony being their waitress, who served a keen reminder that they were in fact, still in a fancy restaurant. Settling back down into their seats, Cut immediately hid behind a menu while Pike adopted a stone cold look to pretend she hadn’t just shouted in a five-star restaurant.

The waitress just ignored them. “Have you all come to a decision?”

As dessert was placed in front of Nocturnal Pike, she took a glance at the collection of empty wine bottles that Anon and Cut had accrued. The batpony didn’t want to get trashed because being hungover during breakfast with her mom would be a nightmare. Cut and Anon however, had no such commitments, and were, therefore, completely wrecked.

Some time after her eighth glass, Cut had draped herself over Anon and started stroking his chest. He’d then proceeded to drape himself over her, creating a sort of snuggle triangle. For a while, Anon had seemed content to just sit there and enjoy her ministrations, but after a while, he started doing something rather odd.

“Are you sure you don’t want in on this?” he asked.

Something that was starting to both annoy and worry Pike in equal measures. “Anon, this is the tenth time you’ve asked. I’m fine. I’m not drunk enough for sloppy PDA.”

He looked completely unconvinced. “Are you sure sure?”

‘Alright, he’s clearly hung up on this for some reason.’

Heaving a sigh, she decided she might as well humor him if it was bothering him so much. “Okay fine.”

Her answer brought him visible relief, and Anon opened up a space in between him and Cut for Pike to slide in.

‘Oh come on, is he really going to make me sit in the middle?’

‘I just wanted to hug him from the side, this’ll make me look so small!’

Seemingly sensing her hesitation, he started giving her that pleading look that stallions did.

‘Augh! Alright, fine.’

Slipping past him, she settled in between him and Cut. As she did, the triangle collapsed, leaving it more like a sandwich, with Pike in the middle. Cut seemed surprised by her sudden appearance at first, but quickly adjusted. As she settled in, she ended up with her head in a position that looked suspiciously like she was staring at the batpony’s tuft. Actually, she might’ve just been staring at her tuft.

“How do you get one so big...”

‘She’s definitely staring at my tuft!’

‘Well, far be it from me to turn down an opportunity to show off!’

“Superior Thestral genes!” Pike said with more than a little bit of pride.

Suddenly, Cut’s forehoof that wasn’t stroking Anon found its way into Pike’s tuft. “No t-tuft enhancers?”

‘Tuft enhancers? Ha! As if!’

Pike gave a wry grin. “You know those things don’t work.”

“Yeah...” Judging by the way Cut’s face fell, she really knew. Pulling her hoof away from the batpony, she ran it through her own, admittedly pretty pathetic, chest fluff before sighing. “So many kinds of snake oil...”

‘Aw, poor mare.’

As stupid as it was to fall for those things, Pike couldn’t really fault her. If her fluff was that small, she’d probably be pretty desperate too.

As Cut sighed again, in a shocking twist, Anon reached over and ran his hoof through her tuft. “Well, it's a good thing Pike’s got more than enough tuft for the both of you!”

Cut’s expression shifted, becoming something more akin to awe as she drifted further and further away from sobriety. “Wow, she does, doesn’t she?”

‘Okay, now this is starting to get uncomfortable.’

Pike tried to extract herself, but Anon had other plans. She felt him press her tighter against Cut, making it harder for the batpony to escape. Looking over to him, Pike saw him drunkenly smile his scheming smile.

“Anon what are you—”

“Hey, Cut,” he said, cutting her off, “Is Pike looking awfully cute down there or what?”

Cut, now clearly lost in a drunken haze, drawled out, “Y-yeah... n-no dyke though...”

Pike’s muzzle scrunched at being called cute. Even if it does make her feel kind of nice....

She still was NOT cute!

The stallion’s expression and voice became downright conspiratorial. “Do you know what she’s missing?”

Cut lazily shook her head. “Nuh uh.”

‘Oh no, what’s Anon going to do?’

With lightning speed, he leaned down and kissed Pike on the cheek.

‘Oh, that wasn’t so bad.’

She’d been expecting something much more emareculating.

Surprisingly, Cut followed his lead and did the same.

‘Aw, th-this is kind of nice.’

Anon went in for another kiss, putting a blush on Pike’s cheeks. In all of her prior relationships before meeting Anon, she was almost always the one who did the kissing—but he seemed much more keen than the average stallion on being the kisser instead of the kissee. Another strange quirk of his homeland, she supposed.

Suddenly they both kissed her at the same time, and despite herself, her blush deepened. She was really starting to enjo—

‘Ack!’

All at once, they started both kissing at the same time, and without any pause between them! Just kiss after kiss after kiss!

Pike started trying to escape again, but they both held onto her in an iron grip as they peppered her face with smooches. “Arg! Stop! Too many!”

Her pleading seemed to only make them redouble their efforts. The air began to fill with a mix of the sounds, mwah, mwah, and ack.

At least until Pike heard a stallion’s voice from a nearby table speak up. “Honey, look at the couple with that bat filly! They’re so cute! Quick, get a picture!”

That stopped the both of them in their tracks. All three of them were clearly thinking the same thing, and as all of them simultaneously turned to the voice, Pike’s suspicions were confirmed.

There was a middle aged stallion seated at a table across from them, with a camera aimed right at her. “No no, please don’t stop on my account. The three of you look so precious!”

‘...’

“eeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

After all the time Anonymous had known her, Pike’s rage was wholly expected.

Cut’s, on the other hand, was a little less so.

“REEEEEEEE! How dare you! She’s twice the mare you are!”

“Cut, he’s a stallion! That doesn’t even make sense!”

Chapter 35

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As much as Nocturnal Pike hated to do it, she’d left her companions behind in bed. By the end of last night, they were both completely out of it, so they needed their rest. Besides, Pike had told them where she’d be today, and if they forgot, she’d left a note on the kitchen table.

As the batpony made her way downtown, her mind was galloping at a million miles a minute. The familiar nervousness that crept in whenever her mother came to visit seemed to be hitting her much sooner—and much harder—than usual.

Thankfully, Pike had been planning for this meeting since she received her mother’s telegram. As she was with many things, Star Mapper could be very particular about restaurants. And since Pike did not want to disappoint her, she’d been rapidly scanning her memories for the perfect place that would fit her mother’s strict criteria. As she walked, Pike ultimately decided it would be the cafe on Seventh Street. It was a conclusion she reached with perfect timing, because as she did, she arrived at the hotel.

And it appeared Star Mapper was waiting for her.

“Nocturnal!”

It seemed she’d been standing outside for some time, braving the cold in a classic display of mareliness. As Pike drew closer to her, she noticed her mother’s mane was a different color than when she saw the mare last. Her once midnight blue mane had turned a much brighter, and honestly gaudy tone, one which contrasted harshly with her fading teal coat. A tacky shade that reeked of a poor dye job.

‘It was greying a bit the last time I saw her…’

‘But that’s absurd! Mom is way too marely to do something like dye her mane because it was graying! Dad must have twisted her hoof to get it done, and poorly at that.’

As Pike reached her mother, she went in for one of the hugs she’d grown so used to over the past few months—only for the mare to lean back and affix Pike with a disapproving gaze.

“Nocturnal, what are you doing?”

‘Oh! Right! Silly me. Mares don’t hug other mares!’

Awkwardly pulling back, Pike coughed into her hoof, hoping to make it look like she wasn’t doing what she was just doing. “Ahem. Sorry, Mom,” she said as she reached out a hoof for a hoofbump.

Seeing the shift, her mom smiled approvingly and met her bump. “Ah, that’s more like my favorite daughter!”

Despite herself, Pike sharply inhaled.

‘EEEEEE! If only filly-me could see me now!’

‘Grown-up-me is more successful than she could have ever hoped to be!’

Nonetheless, Star Mapper’s words put a strange tension in Pike’s frame.

Some... fear.

Oh well. All that mattered now was that the mare that she’d once looked up to as much as the Princess herself, was standing there before her.

‘I better put my best hoof forward!’

With a huff and what looked suspiciously like a shiver, her mother spoke up. “So where are we going?”

“Your food will be out in just a moment.”

Nocturnal Pike, and her mom had just placed their orders at the cafe on Seventh street. It was a quaint place, looking more like a bakery than a restaurant. Pike had asked for one of the tables near the back, and that was where the two of them were sitting.

“You know, Mom,” Pike began as the waitress walked away, “we actually have telephones at the guard offices now. You can just call me if you want to meet up.”

Her statement pulled her mother’s attention from the stallion a few tables over, and she scoffed. “What, you mean on that gizmo your father got me last Hearth’s Warming? Bah, you know it's just a fad he saw in one of his magazines.” She leaned back, rolling her eyes. “Only reason he even bought one is because the family next door got one too.”

Pike was fairly certain he’d explicitly said he got it to “make it easier for you to stay in touch with your own family,” but her Mom was a stallion expert.

Star Mapper frowned as she seemed to think about something. “I’ll stick to the tried and true methods of staying in contact, thank you!”

Pike was tempted to roll her eyes at the insinuation that telegrams were “tried and true” but she forced that feeling down.

‘Show a little respect! This is your Mom you’re talking to.’

Seeing that her mother’s mind was made up though, Pike decided to shift the conversation. “Speaking of staying in contact, did you get my last letter?”

The pride on her face was as plain as the moon. “We did! Your father read it aloud to the whole herd while he was bawling his eyes out.”

Pike chuckled a bit at the mental picture; her dad always was a bit of a drama king.

“I didn't, of course. I knew it was only a matter of time until a mare of your caliber found a stallion worth keeping around.” She cast a disgusted look towards a stallion at another table. Pike wasn’t sure why at first, but then she noticed his shield cutie mark. “I am proud of you though, Nocturnal. It’s sad to say, but it's no easy feat these days to find a stallion that’s not either just a slut worth a quick stick and kick or one of these new age stallionists.”

Pike chuckled a little more awkwardly than she would’ve liked at that, but her mother didn’t seem to notice. “So, is he a better cook than your father?”

Pike smiled. “Ha! N—”

That smile cracked just a bit. Her first instinct was to answer truthfully; this was her mother, after all. But she didn’t want the mare to think she was dating a stallionist!

“—ot exactly. I mean, how could any stallion beat dad’s home cooking?”

Star Mapper guffawed at that, leaving Pike to breathe a sigh of relief. “Haha! I’ll tell him you said that!”

‘Phew, dodged an arrow there.’

Her mom took a sip from her glass of water. “Your letter made it sound like things were going well. So, when are you making it a herd?”

That question made Pike grin ear to ear in satisfaction. “We already have!”

Star Mapper’s look turned intense and scrutinous. “With you as the alpha, right?”

That look triggered a reflex installed by years of foalhood scrutiny. It made a part of her want to wither away under her gaze. But, she resisted! After all, Pike was about to say exactly what she wanted to hear.

“Of course!”

Reaching around the small table with her impressive wingspan, she clapped Pike on the back in a rare show of affection. “That’s my filly! See, this is why you’re my favorite daughter! You’re the only one actually living up to my example.”

Her heart soared. This was everything she could have ever wanted. It was everything she’d hoped it would be. The doubts that had been lurking in the back of her mind were pushed aside by the approval she’d been constantly chasing since she was a filly.

But as the initial euphoria starts to fade, Pike realized there was a massive inconsistency in what her mom had just said.

‘How can I be the only one following her example if I’m not the only alpha?’

Pike had to ask. “What happened to Lucky Night?”

The sound of her sister’s name puts a look of disgust on her mom’s face that Pike was very glad was not aimed at her. “Don’t remind me, her prissy coltfriend demoted her. Something about how she was, “too emotionally distant” or some other nonsense.” She shook her head disapprovingly. ”I told her what she should do is leave him in the dust. It’s obvious that he just can’t handle an actual mare, and wants some sissy’s shoulder to cry on. But no. Lucky’s insisting they’re going to make it work.”

She punctuated the story with a long sigh. “I thought I raised that filly better...”

‘Aw jeez.’

Pike’s heart went out to Lucky. But was it really that big a deal that she wasn’t leaving her herd over that? It seemed like a fairly easy thing to work through, all things consi—

“Absolutely shameful.”

Pike mentally bit her tongue at her mother’s interruption.

‘C-could I leave Anon over something like that?’

‘No... No!’

‘That’d be absurd!’

‘I could never!’

“That’s why you’re my favorite daughter. I don’t have to worry about YOU doing something like that.”

Star Mapper’s comment struck a blow right to her heart, and those doubts she’d chased away came crashing back with the force of a dozen guardsmares.

‘J-just power through it, Pike! Put that perfect poker face of yours to use!’

“Thanks, Mom,” she forced out.

By Pike's own design, her mom smiled, completely oblivious to her daughter's true feelings. “Well, you’ve earned it.”

Little of note occurred after that. Pike and her mother finished their meal, said their goodbyes, and the two of them parted ways. As Nocturnal Pike entered her apartment building’s main floor, she was reminded why she didn’t like it when Star Mapper came to visit. She practically collapsed as muscles that had been tense for hours finally relaxed.

‘All I did was eat a nice meal and I feel like I just ran a marathon.’

This came as no surprise to her, though; she always felt like this after her mother came by.

As she started to slowly climb the stairwell, Pike found herself wondering...

‘Why do her visits always leave me feeling like this?’

Pike had met every expectation her mother set out for her since she was a filly! She’d given her every bit of resolve she needed to be a mare among mares: a sergeant of the guard! Even today, she just spent their meetup showering her with compliments. So why did she feel so... bad?

‘Because it's a hollow victory, and you know it.’

She was a hair’s breadth away from her pride vanishing like dew in the afternoon sun.

‘And you deserve to lose it.’

“Hahahahaha! That’s how you got your cutie mark? That’s amazing!”

The sound of Anon’s voice caused Pike to perk up. It appeared she’d been so lost in thought that she climbed the stairs near automatically. She’d already reached the floor her apartment was on.

“You shoulda seen the look on her face!” answered the voice of who Pike believed was Suck.

‘Hm, it seems Cut’s parents didn’t want to wait and came by early.’

Not that she minded. They seemed like good ponies.

Anonymous could barely believe what he’d just heard! When Barely and Suck showed up, he knew he’d be in for some good stories. But that’s how Cut got her cutie mark!? If it wasn’t for the photobook open in front of him, and Cut’s beet-red face, he honestly wouldn’t have bought it.

He couldn’t help his grin. “I love it!”

Although Cut was deliberately avoiding eye contact with him, he could still see her smile.

The sound of the door latch clicking and turning directed his attention to the entrance.

‘It must be... Pike!’

He waved to the mare as she walked in. “Welcome home, hon!”

Patting the spot on the couch to his left, Anon gestured for her to come over—something she did gratefully, hopping up to the seat next to him before leaning up against his barrel with a sigh.

“How was breakfast?” He asked.

“Not bad, Mom’s the same as usual.”

“Aw,” Barely piped up from his chair, “She didn’t want to join us today?”

Anon could feel Pike’s muscles tense.

‘That’s... an odd reaction.’

Despite the tension he could feel running through her body though, her face seemed unmoved. “Nah, she’s only in town for business. Had to get to a meeting.”

“Darn shame, I’d like to meet her,” said Suck.

Anon could tell Pike wanted to get off the topic ASAP, so he lent her a little helping hoof. “Hey, has Cut told you how she got her cutie mark yet?”

She nodded lazily. “Yeah, Barely told me about it yesterday.”

“Wha- Dad!” cried Cut from beside him.

Barely, who was in the process of sipping some tea Anon had put out earlier, proceeded to choke on it. “cough cough, Anonymous, sweetie, why don’t you, cough tell us how you got your cutie mark?” He asked, grinning sheepishly.

‘Dang, I’m handing out helping hooves left and right today!’

“Well, back when I was a young b-ahem colt, I—”

‘…’

‘Oh no.’

“I... um...”

‘Oh fuck no. I forgot the stupid cutie mark cover story I made up!’

Something had become incredibly apparent to Nocturnal Pike.

Anon had clearly forgotten his cutie mark story. He was floundering, desperately trying to either remember his tale, or to come up with something believable on the spot. Since he was kind enough to help her out earlier, she decided she ought to do the same for him.

“How about I tell my cutie mark story while you go look for a visual aid?”

Anon breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s a great idea, honey. You know how hard it is for me to tell this without something to demonstrate with.” Without another word, he hopped off the couch and disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Pike with Cut and her parents.

‘Time to really sell it.’

She struck a cocky pose with a grin so smug it was practically dripping off her face. “Leave it to a stallion to need a demonstration to go with his cutie mark story!”

Suck started laughing uproariously, while Barely looked like Pike had just said something revolutionary. “Why didn’t I think of that?” he said under his breath.

“So how did you get your cutie mark?” asked Cut.

Allowing herself to drift back to her younger days, Pike let the memory overtake her. “You see, it was a little after my tenth birthday...”

Nocturnal, the mighty and definitely-not-small, was being extra quiet; her parents were upstairs, and by the sound of it, playing. As long as she stayed quieter than those thumps, all would be well. After all, she was doing something Mom always said not to: play in the kitchen!

Dad had made something really good for dinner earlier, a sof-... a soffl-.... Whatever. It didn’t matter what it was called, all she knew was that it was so tasty! So tasty that she wanted to try to make it herself!

But Mom always said, “mares don’t work in the kitchen, that’s a colt’s place!”

Which was why she was trying now, in secret! If mom didn’t find out, Nocturnal wouldn’t get scolded for being “unmarely,” and that meant it was okay!

‘Hmmmm, let’s see, what did Dad do…’

Allowing her memories to lead the way, she began to prepare the dish.

‘Eggs, butter, milk, some spices…’

‘Oooo, he put spinach in right? That would be really good!’

Nocturnal went on like this for a while, oblivious to the passage of time. Eventually though, she finished mixing the ingredients to the point where she thought she’d replicated what he did, mostly. With a smile on her face, she placed it in the oven and got ready to wait.

Only for her heart to jump into her throat.

She’d been so lost in her work that she hadn’t noticed that the thumping coming from upstairs had stopped—and now, the owner of a familiar set of hoofsteps was making her way to the kitchen.

‘Oh no, oh no, oh no!’

‘If your Mom catches me in here, I’m dead!’

‘S-she’ll call me a wimp and not love me anymore!’

‘Oh Luna what do I do? What do I do?’

At that moment, the answer came to her from deep within her being. Something primal reached out from within Nocturnal’s soul, and the filly reacted on pure instinct. Stretching across the ceiling were several large beams that her parents would one day tell her were ‘load-bearing.’

She’d never given them a second thought. But tonight, Nocturnal’s soul knew that the distance between those beams was just her size.

Without any conscious effort on her part, the filly’s legs launched her into the air, at the perfect speed. A speed that slowed down enough so that when she reached the apex of her leap, she could kick all of her legs out and brace herself in between those beams. Which she did, leaving herself perfectly hidden on the ceiling as her mom walked in.

The sudden exertion left Nocturnal winded, but she resisted the urge to pant.

That would give her away.

Her filly muscles strained to support her weight as she stuck to the ceiling, and the voice of her protesting limbs left her only barely aware of what her mom was saying.

“Hmm, let's see what we’ve got to snack on...” she said as she walked around the room. “Huh? What’s this?”

Nocturnal’s breath hitched as she realized that the oven was on. Keeping her breath steady became an alicornean effort as the strain of her muscles mixed with the abject terror at the thought of getting caught.

“Hm, he’s making another souffle? Ha! That stallion. Alright, better not snack ‘till it's done or he’ll whine my ear off,” she muttered to herself.

Much to Nocturnal’s relief, her mom made to exit the kitchen after that.

“What a strange thing to make for an after-sex snack.”

As she vanished from Nocturnal’s view, it took everything she had not to drop down right then and there. She forced herself to stay up until she was certain she’d heard her hoofsteps retreat up the stairs.

Only once they had did she let out the breath she was holding and allowed herself to drop. As she did, her wings expanded, allowing her to drift silently back to the ground. Once Nocturnal actually landed, she immediately collapsed. The burn in her muscles exhilarated her as much as it pained her.

‘That was so cool, and I got away with it!’

It was just like she was in one of those spy books she’d stolen from her older sister!

‘Wow, I had no idea I could do stuff like that.’

‘Imagine if I could be that cool all the time!’

The thought puts a smile on her face as she lay there on the ground. A smile that quickly grew when she realized that a flash of light had just come from her flank. Weakly craning her neck up, Nocturnal saw what every filly wanted to see one day.

“My cutie mark...” she said breathlessly.

It had taken the form of the shadow of a pony doing a backflip in front of a full moon.

“So cool...”

‘Wowee! I can’t believe that just happened!’

The fear that had filled her heart disappeared as the fact she’d finally gotten her cutie mark set in.

First she got to play in the kitchen, then she got to perform a super cool spy movie move, and then she got her cutie mark! Best night—well actually it was day right then; she was up past her bedtime—ever!

“...and that’s how it happened.”

The Pike of the present had just finished telling that same story to the gathered ponies. With some details omitted of course, but generally, it was the same.

Barely turned to face his wife. “Now why can’t you do anything like that?” he asked.

Suck let out a deep belly laugh. “Ha! Come on babe, you knew exactly what you were getting into when you married THIS,” she said as she slapped her gut.

Barely rolled his eyes, but he was smiling the whole time.

“Okay, okay I’m ready!” Anon called from the other room.

Pike and all the other gathered ponies turn their heads toward the bedroom in anticipation. As they did, Anon stepped out. He was dressed head to hoof in his reporter gear. He was even wearing that funny little hat he had. As he stepped into the main room, he made an exaggerated show of reaching into his saddlebags. A show that served as Pike’s signal to close her eyes.

“Say cheese!”

Chapter 36

View Online

Cut N. Paste’s parents had just departed, leaving the three of them alone for the evening. Now that they were gone, it was time to bring up something she’d been wondering about for most of the day. The cutie mark story Anon told her parents today, and the story he’d told her back when they'd first met, were completely different.

‘But why?’

It was such a strange thing to lie about. He seemed completely, incomprehensibly unbothered by it too, happily trotting about the apartment without a care. Half of her wanted to let it go in favor of not crossing any lines, but the other half knew that she needed to put her hoof down.

‘I’m an equal partner in this relationship, dang it!’

“Hey, Anon?”

He didn’t even look over as he continued to pick up some stray glassware to take to the sink. “Yeah?”

‘Don’t chicken out, Cut!’

She took a deep breath. “D-did you lie about how you got your cutie mark?”

He halted mid-step, freezing dead still. After a moment, he turned to face her, opening his mouth to say something. “Well...”

Only to be cut off by Pike. “Bwahahahahaha! She’s caught you red-hoofed!”

The batpony hopped from her position across the room and glided over to Cut, elbowing her in the side when she landed. “What was it originally? Something about solving a mystery in a haunted house, right?”

’What? Did Anonymous lie about his cutie mark to her too?’

If he had, Pike certainly didn’t seem very bothered by it.

Cut rubbed her hocks together nervously. “N-no, he told me that he wrote an article for the school paper about how his teacher was giving worse grades to colts.”

Now Pike looked appropriately shocked. “What? That definitely wasn’t the story he told me...” Suddenly, she made some connection that Cut hadn’t been able to. “ANON!” she shouted, “Don’t tell me you were telling different cutie mark stories to different ponies!”

’That’s ridiculous! There’s no way a pony would do that!’

’...’

To Cut’s surprise, Anon was looking awfully sheepish.

’D-did he...?’

“I-In my defense,” he stammered out, “I had stopped doing it by the time I met you, Pike.”

’What the heck!?’

Pike, who seemed to have much more of the story than Cut did, facehooved. “Why in Equestria would you do that?”

“It was funny!” he unexpectedly shouted as he stamped his hoof. “ Besides, it’s not like anyone hung around me enough to fact check it.”

Pike’s face made something similar to an “O” and she settled into a more neutral posture. While it seemed his answer was enough to placate her, it was not enough for Cut; it just left her with more questions.

“So why’d you lie to my parents today, then?”

He paused, clearly considering his next words carefully—only to sigh heavily, as if seemingly defeated.

“Alright, it’s time I told you anyway.”

Cut’s sense of gradually mounting frustration instantly evaporated at the solemnity of his tone. Now, worry was taking its place. “T-Tell me what?”

She felt Pike’s hoof on her shoulder. Turning down to face her, she gestured toward the couch with her head. “You’re gonna want to sit down.”

They were right; Cut N. Paste was very glad she was sitting down.

Anon had just spent the last half hour explaining his whole life story while Cut watched and listened from her spot on the couch. Pike only occasionally chimed in when he started to get worried that his story was becoming too unbelievable—which, in hindsight, didn't happen as often as she would have expected, considering how outlandish the core of his narrative was. Who would have thought that Anon was an isekai protagonist this whole time!?

’NO! You bucking sperg! This is definitely NOT the time for manga references!’

But on the other hoof, Anon might’ve actually appreciated something to lighten the mood right then. She'd never seen him look so sad.

And, honestly? She completely understood why.

“Now you know why my localizations were all fucked up, haha...”

Cut could tell his heart wasn’t in the joke; it was the most forced laugh he’d ever made. Which, much to Cut's shame, left her feeling tongue-tied.

Seeing the silence as his attempt to lighten the mood fell flat, Anon dipped his head morosely. “I really killed the mood, huh?”

’Oh no, now he’s officially sad!’

’Sh-should I hug him? Is this the kind of sadness that hugs can even help with!?’

’Wait, why are you even asking, Cut? Anon is your husbando now, and it’s your job as a mare to protect his smile!’

As her eyes filled with determination, and with Pike nodding approvingly in the corner of her eye, Cut threw herself onto Anon and hugged him with all her might. Anon made a sound similar to hurrk, which Cut chose to believe was a sound of love and affirmation. As the earth pony nuzzled his neck, the batpony joined her at his side, placing a hoof on Anon's thoroughly hugged wither.

Pike looked up at him with a soft smile. “Was it a little easier this time?” she asked.

He made a tired, but somewhat less distressed sounding sigh. “A little.”

He let the two of them squeeze him for quite a while—something Cut was more than content to do. After a while though, he started prying himself out of their grips. “Alright, alright. Enough of me being a sad sack.”

He smiled for a moment, before turning to look at Cut dead in the eyes—something that, admittedly, made her a little uncomfortable. “Well... what do you think?”

She looked between him and Pike, confused. “What do I think?”

“Yeah,” he said. “You just got told your coltfriend is an alien. What do you think?”

’Oh buck. This is like one of those major moments in one of my Dad’s romcoms!’

’Better think of something good to say, something inspiring. Something like...’

“I think it doesn’t matter where you came from, Anon, wh-what matters is that you’re here!”

He held a straight face for a few moments, before a snirk came through. A few more chuckles slipped out before he looked her in the eye and smiled. “Bullshit.”

’What!?’

“Oh come on, Anon,” chided Pike, “that was sweet!”

He just rolled his eyes in response. “It was, but it wasn’t what she really thinks.” Grinning mischievously, he leaned in toward her. “What do you really think, Cut?”

’Oh he is asking for it! And if he’s asking for it, I’m gonna give it to him!’

Crossing her hooves defiantly, Cut answered. “I’m happy I get to be a main character in your real-life isekai manga!”

That put a genuine smile on his face. “Hahahaha hell yeah! That’s what I love about you, Cut!”

The more time Nocturnal Pike spent with her herd, the more she began to notice something: the stress of the earlier visit with her mother seemed further and further away. The tension had well and truly left her body, and all of her doubts and fears seemed far away.

’...Isn’t that how visiting your parents is supposed to make you feel?’

As the night went on, it was clear that Anon was feeling a similar effect. He seemed to have left the melancholy behind and was reveling in Pike’s and Cut’s company. Now, the three of them had gathered under a blanket on the couch, snuggling in defiance of the wind and snow blowing outside. As they snuggled on the sofa, the combined efforts of Cut and Pike actually managed to get Anon to talk at length about some of the stranger aspects of his home. Between sips of hot cocoa, Pike found herself listening to Anon’s tales in rapt attention. His current topic de jure were these strange items called ‘computers.’

“And they can connect to this thing called the internet and—”

Cut, who up until then had been following Anon’s story with quiet attention, spoke up. “Before you move on Anon, how do you make these ‘computers?’”

That brought Anon’s explanation to an abrupt end. “I uh... I don’t know.”

Anon’s sudden befuddlement gave Pike an evil idea. Cocking an eyebrow, she threw him an expression of utter disbelief. “These things basically permeated every aspect of your life but you don’t actually know how they work? Sounds fake to me.”

His face scrunched and turned a delightful shade of red at her accusation. “They’re real! I just wasn’t into tech!”

Thankfully, Cut picked up on the bit. “I don’t know Anon. Sounds a little far-fetched to me!”

That only made him redder. Despite both of their desires to keep the act going, the two mares couldn’t help but start laughing. Cut gave some minor chuckles, while Pike made a loud guffaw.

Which made him pout adorably.

“Laugh while you can! You won’t be laughing soon!” Lighting his horn, one of Pike’s DVDs zipped off the shelf and flew over the three of them. “You’ve already got digital media, it’s only a matter of time before your world will have them too!”

Well, he was partially right: that did put a stop to Pike and Cut’s laughter. But, more out of confusion than anything else. Pike leaned past Anon to look over to Cut; she was a nerd after all, so she should know what he was talking about! At the same time though, Cut had leaned forward and looked around to Pike, clearly hoping that she knew what he was talking about. Seeing the distinct lack of knowledge in each other’s eyes, they both turned back to Anon.

“Digital?” the two of them asked in sync.

He held the DVD a little higher as if that was the answer to their question. “You know, digital!”

His statement went unanswered as the two of them continued to sit there, uncomprehending.

“...Like the D in DVD?”

’Ohhhhhhhhhh! This must be one of those fucking/bucking things!’

“So your people called diamonds ‘digital?’” Pike asked.

His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “Wha?”

Pike continued. “Here, the D in DVD stands for diamond. What, were your DVDs not made out of diamond?”

“There’s no way,” Cut chimed in. “No other kind of gem has the lattice to accurately hold and cast a spell as complex as the movie projection spell.”

Anon seemed completely unable to process this though, simply continuing to stare wide-eyed at the DVD case. “Diamond?” he repeated in apparent disbelief.

Pike smirked. “Yeah, what else would they be? Ruby?”

She could hear Cut groan from the other side of the stallion. “Oh Celestia, don’t remind me about that,” she moaned as she leaned into Pike’s view. “My Dad totally bought into those.”

Now it was Pike’s turn to widen her eyes in shock. “You actually owned a RedRay player?”

She remembered back when those “RedRay” ruby disks and players hit the market. All those ads that preceded its release claiming that, ‘RedRay is the future!’ Half the ponies in Canterlot were scrambling to get one the day they came out. She also remembered how they all were recalled within a week.

“Yep,” Cut said while shaking her head. “And halfway through the only movie we ever watched on it, the player miscast the spell and teleported the disk into my sister’s mattress two floors up. Took us a week to find it.”

’Holy buck!’

Pike never really knew the specifics about the recall, but if that was the kind of stuff that could happen with them, no wonder they were pulled off the shelves!

Cut shook her head at the memory. “Dad threw it out after that.”

Pike chuckled at the mental image. “I’ll bet.”

Glancing at the still silent stallion sitting between them, Pike elbowed Anon in the ribs. “What do you think of that? Could your computers do something like that?”

He didn’t answer though, and when she looked at his face, she saw he’d become transfixed by the DVD case. He was staring into it, completely mesmerized. “How much would a disk made of solid diamond even be worth?”

Snorting to herself, Pike (needing more effort than she’d like to admit) pulled the DVD out of his magic with her wing. “I didn’t know you had dragon in your blood, Anon.”

That seemed to break the spell, as he blinked owlishly a few times before scoffing at her. “Hey, owning a disk of solid diamond would have been a big deal back home!”

Rolling her eyes, Pike tossed the DVD back over to the shelf. Her aim was a little off though, and it wound up slapping into the shelf with a loud ‘crack’ before falling to the ground.

’...maybe I should take Astral up on those precision throwing lessons...’

Watching the DVD tumble, Pike just shrugged. “Here they’re only worth about twelve bits.”

Anon chuckled as he watched the results of her failed throw. “I guess so.”

Pike could hear Cut whine a little from across the couch. “Aw, I wanted to watch that one.”

She knew Cut couldn’t see her from where she was, but she rolled her eyes anyway. “Oh come on, diamond is one of the hardest minerals out there! I’m sure it’s fine.”

Anon awkwardly coughed. “That’s uh, that’s not what they mean when they say diamond is hard, hon.”

“Wait, really?” Glancing toward the DVD case on the ground, Pike became painfully aware of how hard it hit the self when she threw it. “Aw, buck. I liked that movie too.”

Chapter 37

View Online

It was Sunday, and this one meant something very special to Nocturnal Pike. Today would be the first day of her new regimen to make Cut more marely. The thestral had intended to wake her up early and do the whole drill sergeant routine, but that plan was derailed by one key fact:

Cut was diurnal, and Pike wasn’t.

While the shift she’d worked for so long had allowed her to wake up before most thestrals could even dream, the fact of the matter was that Cut just plain woke up earlier. While she was adjusting faster than most could to Pike’s and Anon’s sleep schedule, the earth pony still typically woke up at what most ponies considered to be a “reasonable hour.” “Most ponies” in this case, not including a single thestral. So, waking up to find Cut had already departed the bed, Pike made her way toward the kitchen for a morning cup of coffee.

Cut quickly spotted her as she exited the bedroom. “Good morning, Pike!”

“Mornin,” came her groggy reply, as she hopped into a seat at the kitchen table while Cut, very helpfully, poured her a cup as well.

“So, uh, today’s the first day of my “training,” right?”

Pike nodded affirmatively as she lifted the proffered cup and took a long sip.

Cut started to get excited. “What are we going to start with then? T-talking to stallions? Working out!?”

At that, Pike shook her head. “No, Cut, the first step to you being more marely is to make you more confident.”

Cut opened her mouth to ask a question, but Pike cut her off.

“And the first step to that is making you more self confident.” Putting on a severe look, Pike leaned in far as she could over the table. “And the first step to that is teaching you to actually take care of yourself.”

“I know how to take care of myself! I’m not a filly!” Cut balked, red in the face and with a little incredulity in her voice.

Pike gave her a disbelieving once-over. “The basics, sure. But tell me, have you completed your morning routine by now? Would you be comfortable going outside right this minute?”

The little defiance she'd shown was rapidly fading. “Y-yes.”

’In that case...’

Pike leaned back and really began to scrutinize her appearance. Right off the bat, it was obvious Cut’s mane was a mess. She wore the same haphazard bun she always did, meaning about a fourth of her mane was sticking out in random directions. It looked improperly washed too: it was a little greasy and Pike could see the split ends. Even her coat had an oily sheen!

Pike raised an eyebrow. “You took a shower this morning, right?”

“Yes!” came the exasperated reply.

‘Hmmmmm, maybe she needs a better brush. Oh! I’ve still got some coat conditioner leftover from my spa day, that could help.’

Pike already knew there was nothing to be done about Cut’s tuft, so there was no need to comment on how she marescaped it. Ducking under the table, the thestral took a look at her hooves.

‘Luna, they look awful.’

All those years of nervously biting them without any kind of proper hoof care seemed to have taken their toll. Honestly, the only thing on her that was immaculately kept was her bra. Which, after a bit of thought, made sense to Pike; no doubt Cut was worried that sullying the garment would compromise the enchantment and let her teats out for all the world to see.

Having reached her conclusion, Pike straightened up and looked her in the eyes. “Cut, would it be fair to describe the effort you put into your appearance as ‘bare minimum?’”

Cut hung her head in shame. “...Yeah. Why put in effort if nopony wants to look at me anyway? It’s just a waste of time...”

In that instant, Pike finally understood her—and knew what she needed to do about it.

‘Looks like I’ll get to use that drill sergeant bit after all.’

“WHAT THE BUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, MAGGOT!?” Pike yelled.

Cut was so startled she nearly fell out of her chair. “AAAH!”

“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THAT MAMBY PAMBY I FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF CRAP! THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY ‘I AM AN ATTRACTIVE MARE AND I DON’T NEED OTHERS’ APPROVAL TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!”

Cut very clearly did not understand. “Wha-”

“I SAID DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY ‘I AM AN ATTRACTIVE MARE AND I DON’T NEED OTHERS’ APPROVAL TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!”

That time seemed to get through to her, and the earth pony hopped off her chair. Cut wasn’t really standing tall when she spoke, but at least she was standing. “Uhhh, I am an attractive mare and I don’t need others’ approval to feel good about myself?”

Pike pushed herself up into Cut’s muzzle. “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

Cut stood up a little straighter. “I am an attractive mare and I don’t need others’ approval to feel good about myself!”

“LOUDER!”

Now she was standing proud! “I AM AN ATTRACTIVE MARE AND I DON’T NEED OTHERS’ APPROVAL TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!”

“What the FUCK is going on out here?” A voice coming from the short hallway that ran to the bedroom caused Pike to whip her head around—where she saw a disheveled, and very unhappy looking Anonymous.

‘Oh, riiiiiight. He was still asleep. Whoops.’

Cut, meanwhile, was seemingly too lost in the feeling of getting herself pumped up to notice. “I AM AN ATTRACTIVE MARE AND I DON’T NEED OTHERS’ APPROVAL TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!”

Anon, recovering from his initial confusion, gave her a steely look. “You’re goddamn right, babe.”

“Alright, let’s start with mane care.”

The first step on the journey to help Cut to take better care of herself was undoing all of the horrible habits she’d undoubtedly picked up over the years. To do that, Nocturnal Pike had taken her to one of the local apothecaries. Anon elected to stay behind, saying he needed to work on an article he’d fallen behind on—which, while unfortunate, wasn’t much of a setback. Pike was the resident expert on marely; she could do this job in her sleep!

“Ooooh, this one has tea tree oil! This should help with the grease!”

Cut, who’d strapped herself into the shopping wagon (they didn’t have any in Pike’s size, much to the thestral’s frustration) nervously spoke up. “Pike, i-isn’t this the stallion’s section?”

‘Hm?’

Craning her neck up to the sign above the shelf, Pike saw that it read ‘Stallion’s Manecare.’

‘Oh... right.’

Pike had been shopping at this end of the shop as of late. But it was definitely not because she liked the shampoos Anon used on her during that spa day, no ma’am!

Pike, burying her nerves and clearing her throat, began to answer. “Ahem, Well Cut, uh tell me. What do you usually use to wash your mane?”

The earth pony scrunched her face in thought and kept it that way far longer than a pony ought to when remembering the kind of shampoo they use. Eventually though, she blushed and turned her head away in shame. “W-well sometimes I sleep in too late so I’m in such a rush that I forget...”

‘Oh no! Cut!’

She quickly jumped to her own defense though. “But only sometimes! Usually, I use Original Oakley A’s fifteen in one.”

‘Oh Luna, that’s worse than not washing it at all!’

“Cut!” Pike chided, “The fifteen in one is for your coat! It’s basically just body wash!”

Poor Cut looked so confused, and Pike honestly couldn’t blame her. “B-but then what are the fifteen things it’s for then?!”

The thestral reached up and patted her on the shoulder comfortingly. “Not your mane.” Reaching back to the shelf, she started pulling out various bottles. “We need to start undoing that damage. Here’s a good shampoo for that, here’s a conditioner... oooh and this moisturizer is really nice! Anon loves the smell, too.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Cut watching in awe. “How do you know all this? I can’t tell any of these apart.”

Pausing briefly, Pike thought back to how she’d actually learned all of this. Sure, in the past she’d taken great care to make sure her appearance was at its peak at all times, but that never included using stuff from the stallion’s section.

...She supposed most of it must have come from the time she’d spent re-reading that spa pamphlet that came with the gift basket. Both the “section for stallions” and the “section for mares,” of course.

…And that library book she’d checked out and read a few days ago on break called ‘Turn Your Home into a Spa, a Guide Every Stallion Should Have’.

‘N-not because I found it interesting or anything! Haha, that’d be ridiculous! I just want to pay back the favor to Anon is all!’

Plus, he really liked how those shampoos made her mane smell. So did she, but that was beside the point!

“Because it’s uh... it’s my job to know! As the alpha, the health of the herdmates is my responsibility!”

Cut, once again, looked confused. It was obviously an innocent confusion, but for some reason, it still made Pike’s fur stand on end. “I thought that usually fell to the stallion?”

Pike nervously shuffled her wings. “Ahem. Well, since Anon’s a... you know... he doesn’t know a lot about pony health. So that means it falls to me to pick up the slack!”

The confusion vanished off Cut’s face. “Ohhhh! That makes sense.”

‘Phew, that was... wait, what’s got me so worried? That’s not even false!’

Sure, she should be encouraging and teaching Anon all of these things instead of just learning them all herself, but she’d get around to that eventually!

‘Yeah, totally.’

“Aaaanyway, you can switch to something like Original Mane N’ Tail after using these for a while,” the thestral said as she patted the assortment of products she’d amassed.

An assortment that Cut was staring wide-eyed at. “I-Is that everything?”

Pike laughed, quite hard. “Are you kidding? We haven’t even gotten you some new coat wash yet!”

While the gals were out and about, Anonymous needed to get some work done. His typewriter was still in the office, so unfortunately he couldn’t do any actual writing. What he could do, however, was the important first step to writing anything good: research!

There were a couple of topics he could write his next piece on, but he was yet to decide which one to go with. That’s why he’d gathered a range of supplementary materials, organized into stacks based on which topic they were related to! The stallion figured that he’d read all of that stuff, and if something jumped out at him, he’d just go with that topic.

‘Let’s see, then, where to start… Eenie meenie minie mo!’

Reaching out with a magic hand, he snatched the top paper off the chosen pile. It looked like his first topic was...!

‘Aw, some gossip crap.’

On the plus side, with those bits, he could just rehash the information that others already compiled and add in his ‘stallion’s opinion’ and that’d be enough to make it sell like hotcakes.

Kind of a cop-out? Definitely.

Easy as pie? Absolutely.

Turning his focus to the article, he finally got a proper look at what ‘Creep Shot’ was writing about beyond the initial grazing glance.

“Songbird Serenade’s Star Powered Herd Goes Critical!”

‘Aw jeez.’

He hated to see it.

“Songbird claims she felt neglected! Love not shared equally!”

‘Okaaaaaaay! That’s a little too related to current anxieties for comfort!’

He decided to give it a hard pass. Placing the article back, he turned to the next pile. Already, it was looking like a much better choice.

“Race of superponies on the way? How Stallionism may be metaphysically strengthening ponykind.”

‘Alright, now that sounds like it’s worth writing about!’

Thoroughly enticed, he read further.

‘Mages have debated for years over what makes a pony’s magic pool stronger. Is it bloodline? Celestial intervention? Well, in recent years the prevailing theory is that the strength of one’s spirit determines the strength of one’s magic.’

‘Hm, that’s an interesting idea.’

And if it was true, he could see how stallions becoming generally more productive and proactive could positively influence the population’s magical prowess.

Putting the paper down, he checked the next one in the pile.

“Why Stallion’s Liberation Will Only Erode the Pony Race, Not Strengthen It!”

‘Right, I remember picking these two articles out. They were right next to each other at the library! Welp, it’s safe to say I won’t find a better topic than this! Time to get reading.’

Picking that first essay back up, Anon dove in.

‘When one looks at it objectively, it’s easy to make the connection that the mares who have performed the greatest magical feats in recent times come from liberated...’

As the unicorn stallion absorbed the presented information, however, he couldn’t help but feel something nagging at the back of his mind. Something about that first article, Songbird’s herd. Something that made him want to pick it back up instead.

He still would rather write about how Stallionism was creating the master race, buuuuuut...

‘Maybe if I can figure out what that stallion did wrong, I can avoid it!’

‘Yeah... yeah!’

Putting the Stallionism article back, Anon once again grabbed the article about Songbird. He’d read that one, and just that one, and take some advice from it. Then he’d switch back to the other topic so he could do his job.

‘It’s a perfect, flawless plan!’

‘Now let’s see what the trouble with Songbird’s stallion was…’

‘Songbird herself claims the trouble began after the addition of the newest herdmate...’

Chapter 38

View Online

“Alright, one of these has got to have the manestyle for you,” Pike confidently declared as she opened one of the magazines she’d collected from the pile and started scanning the pages.

Cut N. Paste was sitting beside her, and feeling a lot less sure. After leaving the apothecary, Pike had brought Cut to the library, saying that she'd want to go to their next stop with ‘an example of what she wanted her mane to look like.’ That’s what brought the two of them to this table near the back of the library with a dozen mane styling books and magazines scattered atop it.

Pike had immediately picked one up and began leafing through it, only occasionally stopping to hold up whatever page she was on to compare it with Cut’s head. “Hmmm, no that one’s too flashy.”

Begrudgingly, Cut sighed and picked up a magazine for herself. She really didn’t see what the big deal was; it was just her mane, after all. By her own estimations, only about a fourth of it was sticking out of her bun. And that was perfectly acceptable for a pony like her.

‘Not like changing it will matter, nopony wants to look at me anyway…’

‘Wait, this is exactly what Pike was talking about! You’ll never feel more confident if you let yourself think like that! You’re going to find a nice manestyle for yourself, and not because it’ll get you approval from other ponies, but because taking care of yourself is important!’

Taking the internalized epiphany to heart, Cut dug into the magazine in earnest.

‘No, no, too flashy, no, perms aren’t really my style…’

A great deal of time passed like this, combing through publication after publication, searching for the perfect look. There were a few moments where Cut and Pike thought they’d found something good, but each time, something pushed Cut to keep searching.

She was into her tenth magazine when something caught her eye.

“It’s... perfect!”

On the page before her was the bun she'd been half-heartedly attempting to emulate for years, done perfectly.

Intrigued, Pike hopped out of her chair. “What did you find?”

Cut eagerly showed her the picture, and Pike chuckled as she saw it, realizing that it was just the neat version of what she already had. “You know, that is perfect for you.”

Smiling, Cut tucked the magazine into one of her saddlebags. “Where’s our next stop?”

Pike’s eyes became distant, as she looked off into a thousand-yard stare. “Somewhere neither of us will like.”

“You’re right, I don’t like this,” Cut said, grimacing.

And really, Nocturnal Pike did not blame her. After all, the two of them were standing outside of a salon.

‘Clean Coat’s All-Encompassing Salon!’ the sign boasted, ‘For all your whimsical needs!’

Cut shuffled nervously. “Are you sure this is going to help me become more marely?”

Normally, Pike’s answer to that would’ve been ‘absolutely not,’ but today it was a necessary evil. Cut’s mane, tail, coat, hooves... dang near everything about her needed a professional’s touch. A lot of that could usually be done at a barber’s, but they didn’t do hooves. That’s where places like this came in, and if they were already here for hooves, they might as well get the complete package.

“On this rare occasion, yes.”

Cut solemnly hung her head. “I was afraid you were going to say that.”

As Pike stood at the entrance, she found herself reconsidering her own words. Sure, going to a whimsy salon was definitely unmarely. However, just earlier she was telling Cut not to rely on the opinions of others for validation. It made her wonder, which is more marely? Avoiding a whimsy salon because it's for colts, or going to a whimsy salon because you don’t care what others think?

Well, Pike at least knew what her mom would say here, and it was definitely the former. So, she supposed that was the answer she’d go with.

Cut had started glancing around nervously. “Come on, let’s go in! I don’t want anypony who knows me to see me out here!”

‘That is a good point!’

Pike nodded, and the two made for the building’s front door without wasting another minute. Since she reached the door first, Pike pulled it open.

And immediately, she wanted to start gagging.

“Cough, cough, oh Luna!”

Cut, only a few steps behind her, wasn’t hit by the smell for a few more moments. “Pike, what’s—” She immediately started gagging. “Gah, Celestia protect me! What is that smell?”

Pike narrowed her eyes. “Whimsey products.”

And not even good ones, by the smell of them! They just smelled like chemicals!

‘Eeeeeug!’

“Can I help the two of you?” came the unamused voice of a stallion within the salon.

‘Oh right, we’re standing in the entrance to a store, where ponies work.’

“Haha, hello!” Pike awkwardly said as she stepped into the lobby. “Yes actually, you can!”

Grabbing Cut and pulling her up to the front desk, she showed the receptionist exactly what the stylists would be working with. “My herdmate here needs the full treatment. Hooves, coat, everything.”

The stallion gave her a quick once over. “I see, I see—”

But he stopped dead when he got to her hooves.

“BY LUNA’S MILLENIA OLD FOUNDERED HOOF!”

At the sound of his shout, a gaggle of galloping stallions promptly emerged from the woodwork, collectively surrounding Cut and hoisting her off the ground. With a group effort, they started dragging her into the salon. As they did, a chorus of their voices rang out.

“Have you ever used a hoof clipper before?”

“I think she just bites them.”

“We need the diamond file! Somepony get me the diamond file!”

“So many split ends!”

As Cut was slowly dragged further away from Pike, she shot her one last horrified look. “PIKE HELP!” she cried.

Which snapped Pike out of the state of shock she was in.

‘I’ve got to follow them!’

After all, Cut just got dragged into a socially awkward mare’s worst nightmare: being forced to interact with multiple stallions!

‘Mare, I should bring the recruits here. This place would make for excellent hostile environment training!’

Following Cut into the depths of this establishment was acquainting Nocturnal Pike with all sorts of scents that she could've lived a long, happy life without ever smelling.

“Oh hey! A mare! Quick, tell me how this smells!” cried the stylist in the stall she was currently passing. Without even waiting for Pike’s consent, he blasted something in her face.

‘Bleh! Oh, Luna, that is foul!’

Pike could only answer him with a gag as she passed him by.

“Ah, less beaver anus oil, then.”

His statement really tested her stomach, but she forced herself onward for Cut’s sake. Rounding the corner that she saw Cut get dragged around only a moment prior, Pike felt a keen sense of relief at the sight before her. She could see the stall they’d plopped Cut down in, and that meant she was in the home stretch! It even looked like the preceding stalls were empty, thank buck. Adopting a more relaxed trot, Pike made her way towards Cut.

Which dropped her right into the crosshairs of a stallion she hadn’t seen. “Mind telling me what you think of this?”

The statement instantly activated Pike’s flight response. Unfortunately though, leaping into the air just lined up the stallion’s shot.

With a quick pchit, the cloud of gas nailed her right in the snoot, allowing its scent to flood her nostrils. And it was... IT WAS...!

...pretty good, actually.

Coming back down, Pike turned towards the stallion. “That wasn’t half bad. What’s in it?”

He smiled like the castle blacksmith did when somepony complimented the gear she made. “You like it? It's my secret blend of sulfur, charcoal, and potassium nitrate.”

‘That’s... quite the combination.’

She couldn’t argue with the results, though. In fact, Anon would probably smell pretty good with some of that. Looking back towards Cut, Pike could see they’d only just started preparing to rinse her off. That left her with a few moments before they’d start asking questions.

“How much for some?” Pike asked the stallion.

He thought for just a brief moment. “You’re my first taker actually! So let’s call it, twenty bits!”

‘For that TINY bottle of COLOGNE?’

Anon would laugh her out of the room if she spent that much on cologne, even if he ended up liking the smell of it. Chuckling at the audacity of the stallion, Pike turned away from him to resume her trip toward Cut. “I’ll pass.”

As she did though, he desperately called out, “Wait wait wait! Fifteen!”

Pike cast a sideways glance back at him.

“Come on, it’ll last your stallion over a year! Sure, the bottle looks small, but you’re only supposed to use one squirt at a time!”

‘Hmmm, fifteen? It did smell pretty good.’

“Make it thirteen.”

He let out a sigh and slumped his shoulders, but he also held out the bottle to her. “Fine, thirteen.”

‘Yes!’

Snatching it with a wing, Pike left a bundle of bits in his outstretched hoof.

‘Score!’

“Thanks!”

Pike was about to question him about it a bit more when she overheard an alarming exchange coming from the station Cut was at.

“Can we interest you in a mane dying while you’re here, Miss?” asked one of the stallions surrounding her.

“W-well, uh, actually I uh, w-well...”

‘Oh Luna, I better get over there before they dye her mane purple or something.’

Galloping away from the stallion, Pike closed the short distance fairly fast, thankfully. “That will not be necessary,” she cut in.

The collected stallions all “aww”ed in unison.

‘Filly am I glad Pike caught up with me.’

Cut N. Paste did not have the nerve to say no to any of those stallions—most of which had since left, leaving her with a ‘senior stylist’ named Acrylic Polish. A stallion whom a very vulgar part of her brain wanted to call a DILF.

“So, you have an idea of what you want the final product to look like, honey?” he asked while gesturing to her mane.

“W-well, it’s uh, it’s in—”

“I’ll get it,” Pike chimed in as she walked over to Cut’s saddlebags.

Acrylic chuckled. “What are you, her interpreter?”

Pike bristled a bit. “Hey, give her a break. She’s had it rough.”

He put up a forehoof in a placating gesture. “I meant no disrespect, honey, I was just wonderin.’”

Pike wordlessly hoofed the stallion the magazine, already open to the page with the desired style on it.

“So I’m giving her the full treatment?”

Pike was about to answer for her, but Cut cut her off. “Yes, p-please sir.”

Acrylic just smiled as he grabbed a showerhead off the wall. “Wonderful! Stand over the drain, please.”

Watching Acrylic get to work on Cut was impressive. As an earth pony, he only had his hooves to work with, but he deftly switched between shower head, shampoo, brush, comb, scissors, and everything in between.

And to give credit where credit was due, Cut at least did a very good job of disguising how shaggy her coat had become. She definitely needed a trim.

Cut had also clearly been swept away; all she could muster up was the occasional nervous “Aaaah!” as the stallion went to town on her.

“If you don’t mind me askin’,” Acrylic began as he turned to address Pike, “did you get your hooves done here, honey?”

Pike shook her head. “Nah, our coltfriend did them.” Taking a look down at her hooves, she could see they’d admittedly become quite worn since Anon gave her that pedicure. “Surprised you could tell they’d been done at all.”

He hummed as he lopped half an inch off Cut’s mane. “I know my hooves, honey.” He suddenly leaned in to look Cut in the eye. “Just like I know you’ve been biting them, missy.”

Cut just ‘eeped’ and took advantage of the fact her mane was loose enough to hide her eyes behind. “O-only when I’m nervous!”

Acrylic then took advantage of that to lop another half inch off her bangs. “Well, then honey, you’re probably the most nervous mare I’ve ever met!”

He turned back to Pike. “Anyway, tell your colt he didn’t do half bad. For an amateur.”

The mental image of Anon reacting to that made Pike laugh out loud. “Ha! I’ll be sure to let him know.”

Honestly, speaking of Anon, watching Acrylic go to town on Cut made Pike think back to her very own spa day...

‘Hmmmm.’

While the memory shot a spike of unmarely shame through her, it really was divine.

‘Oooh! I should see if they sell those kits here! That way Cut can experience what those magic ‘hands’ can do once they’ve got a brush in them. Maybe I’ll even get Anon to join me in the tub this time…’

Pike was pulled from her fantasy when Acrylic spoke up. “Honey, have you ever even used a hoof trimmer before?”

“N-not since I was a filly,” was Cut’s shame filled reply.

The stallion breathed a heavy sigh. “Hoooo filly, have I got my work cut out for me.”

Chapter 39

View Online

Anonymous the unicorn had blazed through every piece of reference material he had related to Songbird and her herd. As he’d gone through the material, he had a massive breakthrough! Songbird’s herd didn’t go critical! All they need to do is—

“Do you think he’ll like it?”

‘Hey, that’s Cut’s voice! The two of them must be back from their errands.’

Leaving the bedroom—where he’d ended up moving his research materials—, he returned to the living room just in time to hear Pike from the other side of the front door as well. “Ah-ah! What did we talk about?”

“R-right, what matters is: am I happy with how I look.” There was a brief interlude before Cut spoke up again. “B-but do you think he’ll-”

“Of course he’ll like it! Now come on.” With that, the door swung open and Pike walked in. “Tah-da!”

She was soon followed by a brand new Cut! Well... not that new, really. She still looked the same: same mane, same glasses, but everything about her looked so much neater! Hardly a hair out of place! And her hooves! They were so neat and shiny!

Anon couldn’t help but stare in pleased surprise. “Wow, Cut, you look great!”

She lit up like a Christmas tree. “REALLY!?”

“Ahem,” Pike interrupted.

The unfettered glee on Cut was replaced with a more mellow joy. “R-right. I mean, uh, thank you, Anon, for noticing!”

‘Awww look at her trying to be all self-sufficient!’

He continued to smile. “Looks like today was a success?”

“I’ll say,” Pike said with a grin. “I’ve just got one more thing I want to show her and we’ll be all done.”

Anon quickly pulled the two of them into a hug. “Excellent! I’ll get dinner started while my two lovely mares, whom I love equally, finish up.”

He closed his eyes as he hugged them, so he didn’t see the concerned look they shot each other at his choice of words. He also missed Pike’s slight frown as she answered him. “Uh, thanks, Anon. It's good to be loved.”

“Y-yeah,” echoed Cut as he let them go.

‘Wonderful!’

Prancing over to the stove, Anon grabbed a pot and started filling it with water.

“Alright, this shouldn’t take long,” he heard Pike say. “We just need the stuff I’ve got in the bathroom.”

‘Alright, that’s enough water.’

He was thinking of making a ravioli pesto, presuming he wouldn’t burn the sauce again. As he placed the pot on the boiler, he could hear the two of them enter the bedroom, and then stop for some reason.

“Anon?” Pike called.

“Yeah?”

“What the buck is all this?” Nocturnal Pike called out in questioning as she glanced around the room, her eyes filled with a newfound and deep concern. The walls had been covered with an assortment of pictures, newspaper clippings, notes, and strings linking them all together.

‘What in Tartarus?! None of this was here this morning! Is this what Anon spent all day doing?’

“Oh, right!” came Anon’s voice from behind her. Both she and Cut pivoted to face him in sync, as he stood in the doorway to the bedroom. “Well I was doing some research for an article and—”

“What’s the article?” asked Cut.

He looked around at the various things stuck up the wall. “Well it was going to be about the theory that Stallionism is making ponykind stronger...”

‘Wait, he’s not just ‘looking around,’ he’s following the strings!’

“...but I got kinda sidetracked.”

‘Side tracked?’

Pike had never seen him do anything like this for any of his previous articles. “Sidetracked by what?”

The sound of shuffling hooves brought both Pike’s and Anon’s attention to Cut, who’d walked over to one of the eye-level articles. “Songbird Serenade’s Star Powered Herd Goes Critical,” she read.

Without even seeing him move, Anon was already by the earth pony’s side. “And I can tell you EXACTLY why!”

Cut, who was more than a little startled by that, meekly responded. “Uhhh wh—”

“I’m glad you asked!” Anon declared, as he started wildly gesturing around the room. “According to most of the gossip pieces, it all started when Coloratura joined, but that’s not true!”

Rushing to the polar opposite side of the room, he lit his horn illuminating several strings. “See when things actually started going wrong was about three months later!”

Sprinting to another corner of the room, he started pulling papers off the wall. “It was when their schedules started conflicting. Songbird, Sapphire, and Coloratura all went on tour, Fleur had to go abroad for a fashion show, and Fancy started touring the country opening franchises!”

He lit several more strings up, some of which crossed the entirety of the room. As he did, Pike noticed his speech was growing more and more manic. “During this time the only one of his mares Fancy was with was Coloratura, by complete chance! The cities they were in just happened to line up!”

A large group of strings converged on one article, placed near the center of the room.

‘Luna, how many of these things did he put up!?’

“And here’s where the trouble REALLY began! This interview is the KEY! In it, Fancy talks about how great having Coloratura with him is, but he doesn’t mention the other mares AT ALL!” Anon paused in his rant, standing shock-still as he pointed to the article with his hoof.

After a couple of moments of awkward silence, Pike realized he was waiting for either she or Cut to answer. “And that...?”

“THAT’S when the other mares started thinking he didn’t care about them! That’s when it all went wrong!” Launching back into motion he essentially started running circles around the room. “See, in an interview Songbird gave just one month later, she states—”

At this point she’d honestly stopped trying to follow his logic. It was now very clear what was going on here. Something was bothering Anon, and it allowed whimsey to consume him. Sparing a glance at Cut, Pike saw she was too dumbstruck by what she’s seeing and hearing to take any action—which meant it was up to the thestral to break him out of this fit of whimsey.

‘Fine by me; I’ve got a heaping helping of the cure for whimsey that mares have used since the dawn of the equine species. Just got to wait until he’s in range…’

“And here, an interview by Songbird says the same thing!” He was still making laps around the room, so it was only a matter of time until he passed her. “And here’s where Fancy made his biggest blunder! He—”

‘NOW!’

Just as he was about to rush past her, Pike leaped into the air and put herself directly in his path.

Which caused him to run face-first into her tuft.

“MMMMF!” As he did, she wrapped her hooves around his head, ensuring they were locked in place. He stumbled confusedly for a brief moment before he came to a stop and visibly started relaxing. It was a sight that made her breathe a small sigh of relief.

‘Ahhh, the classic remedy of putting your stallion’s face into your tuft; it never fails. Especially on Anon!’

As she felt his breathing return to a much more relaxed rate, Pike decided to let go of his head and return to the ground—which allowed her to see her hoofiwork. Gone was the expression of maniacal whimsey, and in its place was naught but a dopey smile.

“Heehee, fuzzy...” he, almost drunkenly, slurred.

Cut approached, awestruck, and waved a hoof in front of his face. He didn’t even flinch. “Woah!”

Pike couldn’t help herself, and beat her chest a little in pride. “A combination of how fast he was breathing, his weakness to scents, and the naturally calming smell of a mare’s tuft! Works every time.”

As a testament to his willpower, and due to the relatively brief exposure, Anon was already starting to come out of it. Blinking blearily, his eyes eventually focused on Pike. “Wha- hey! You did the tuft thing to me again!”

Reaching up, Pike was able to extend a hoof just high enough to affectionately pat him on his withers. “You were in the throes of a fit of whimsey, Anon. It had to be done.”

He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling as he did. “You mares and that stupid word.”

“Anon?” asked Cut from his side, “You should probably sit down. One of the side effects of whimsey fits can be some pretty extreme dizziness.”

‘Well, well! Look at Cut, busting out the medical knowledge.’

Pike looked over at her. “Where’d you learn that?”

To which she blushed. “W-well there was the one manga I really liked that took place in a hospital—”

Anon cleared his throat, cutting her off. “I am going to sit down, not because I think any of what either of you said is true, but because all that running tired me out.”

Pike and Cut both chuckled at that. Anon, meanwhile, sighed as he took a seat on the bed. “Sorry about that gals, I guess I just got way too into it.”

“But why?” Pike asked as she hopped up next to him. “This is the most I’ve ever seen you get into an article, and it's a gossip piece.”

He idly tapped his hooves together as Cut took a seat on the other side of him. “I figured that if I found out what Fancy Pants did wrong, I could avoid it. You know?”

Cut suddenly looked like a light bulb just went off in her head. “Is that what the ‘my two mares whom I love equally’ thing was about?”

Anon winced at the question. “You make it sound like that was weird. Was it weird?”

“Yes,” Pike and Cut answered together.

“...Oh.” Suddenly, some of that earlier mania returned. “But that was Fancy’s problem! He wasn’t explicit enough!”

Pike and Cut both look around the string covered room, before the earth pony spoke up. “I-I thought it was a distance problem?”

That, thankfully, took the wind right back out of his sails again. “W-well that was part of it, but I’m serious! It can all be traced back to that first interview!”

Pike shook her head. “It sounds like that had a lot more problems than that, Anon.”

Even so, he didn’t seem keen on letting it go, and gestured to the room with his hooves as if that’d make the point. “It's all a snowball effect and-!” He held his hoof up for a moment more, taking in the web of conspiracy around him, before letting both his hoof and his head fall. “-and you gals are right.”

Now it was all starting to come together. Hoping to be of some comfort, Pike draped a hoof over his back and pulled herself close. “Still anxious about herds?”

He nodded his head as he grabbed Cut and pulled her close to him as well. “Still anxious about herds.”

Cut, clearly worried by this, leaned into him. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, Cut,” he said while giving her an affectionate nuzzle, “you’ve been perfect.” Leaning back around, he did the same for Pike. “You’ve both been perfect.”

Quickly shooting Cut a look, Pike confirmed she was feeling exactly as she was.

‘This is a perfect hug moment.’

Exploiting the fact the two were on either side of him, the mares synchronized their motions to wrap him in the near-illegal double-sided hug. Which, as it often did (which was why it was nearly illegal) almost squeezed the life out of him.

”Ooof.” He still smiled, though. “Thanks, gals.”

Pike had a good idea for a great statement to cap off the hug, but Cut looked like she wanted to say something, so the thestral let her. “Un... aw jeez. Ahem. U-Unlike that herd was, we’re in this together! So, uh don’t just bottle the feeling up and let yourself be anxious. I-I know how that turns out...”

‘Not bad, she could use some work on the delivery, but her heart was in the right place.’

Pike nodded in agreement. “Well said, Cut! Remember, you can always talk to us about these things, Anon. And please don’t stress about these things so much in the first place.”

She couldn’t tell if the breath he let out was relief, or the last bit of air leaving his lungs, so she let go, which prompted Cut to follow shortly after. Considering the size of the breath he took after they’d let him go, it may have been the latter.

”I will,” he said solemnly, “but that’s just something I need to work on, I guess.” He awkwardly rubbed his foreleg. “It still feels a little like cheating...”

Empirically, Pike understood why he felt that way, but that didn’t mean she was going to stand for it! His eyes crossed as she booped him straight on. “Unless you’ve got a secret second herd hiding behind all that string on the walls, it's not.”

The joke made him chuckle, and before long, those chuckles turned into a full laugh, that Pike and Cut both joined in.

Pike turned around to face Cut N. Paste with a gravely serious look. “Alright Cut, what I show you here does not leave this room.” After helping Anon clean up the bedroom, she’d pulled Cut aside to the bathroom to show her something of ‘great importance.’ “Nopony can know. Not even your own mother, got it?”

‘Wowee, whatever this is must be really important!’

Cut couldn’t help but smile in excitement. “You can count on me!”

Pike smiled in turn, and pointed to her tuft. “You see this, then?”

‘Her... tuft? How could I not see it? It's so big! And voluminous! And soft-looking…’

‘Okaaaay, not following that train of thought!’

Pike continued. “There’s a secret to it.”

‘Wait... there is!?’

“Is there a tuft enhancer that actually works!?” Cut shouted.

That made Pike’s face fall a tick. “Well, no. But I do have a secret thestral technique that makes what you got pop just a little bit more!”

Cut glumly gazed down at her own tuft, so small Acrylic didn’t even trim it. “Do you think it’ll actually help?” she asked as she dejectedly ran a hoof through it.

Pike reached under the sink and pulled out several vials of oil and a specialty comb. “I think it won’t hurt to try.”

Anonymous was quite relieved to find that the pot hadn’t boiled over while he was occupied in the other room. The ravioli were in it now, and he was hard at work making some sauce.

‘Let’s see, what goes in pesto. Uuuuuh, is it rosemary? Yeah I think it's rosemary.’

“Ahem, hey Anon.” came a voice to his left. It was unmistakably Cut’s, but it sounded like she was trying to sound more... husky?

“What’s up?” He asked as he turned his head away from the pot.

She stepped over to him. “Notice anything... different?”

‘Uhhhhh.’

Looking her over, he kinda didn’t. Well, nothing that didn’t already look different when she got home, at least.

‘Wait, there is something different—her chest!’

What was normally flat as a board now had the barest hint of volume to its fluff.

“I like what you did with your tuft, it looks cute.”

Cut looked like she was about to explode.

“WoooaaaaaaaaaaAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

‘Jesus, she actually jumped in the air with glee! ‘

‘Got some pretty good air, too.’

She immediately landed into a dance, which continued long after Pike left the bedroom and joined him in the kitchen.

“How’d you do it?” Anon asked her.

Pike chuckled as she floated up on her wings to survey the pot. “Not telling~!” Her smug expression suddenly turned to surprise. “Wha- why’d you put rosemary in this but not basil?! This is a pesto, right?”

‘Aw, rats! I knew I was forgetting something.’

Chapter 40

View Online

As a groggy and somewhat annoyed Cut N. Paste slowly pried her eyes open, she was greeted by the sight of her clock proudly stating it was four A.M.

‘Aw mare!’

She’d been really hoping that wouldn’t be the case. Dejectedly, she let herself slump back into her pillow. It wasn’t all bad though, she supposed; the dream that had been interrupted wasn’t exactly a good one. Anon was just about to put on what he thought was Daring Do and the Temple of Baboons, but it was actually just another of her parents’ pornos.

‘...maybe waking up was a blessing.’

Now that she thought about it, she recalled the DVD’s case was the one straight out of a traumatic foalhood memory of seeing herself conceived. The thought of that made her grimace.

‘Yeah, definitely a blessing.’

‘Well, no reason to keep staying awake. Might as well close my eyes and drift away…’

...or at least Cut tried to, until some movement to the side made her eyes snap right back open.

‘Argh!’

Cut just barely suppressed the annoyed whine building in her throat. She shouldn’t have been surprised, this occurred every few nights.

‘I’ve got to get used to sleeping with other ponies already!’

If she kept waking up every time one of her partners shifted, she’d never get an uninterrupted night’s sleep. The longer she lay there though, the more apparent it became that whoever was next to her wasn't just shifting. Rolling over, she took a look at—‘oh sweet Celestia!’

Tossing and turning to Cut’s side was Anon, and something was wrong!

‘Guess I wasn't the only one having a nightmare. I’ve got to do something! But, what!?’

‘Uh uh uh!’

‘Well, there’s no reason not to try the tried and true!’

Timing it just right to avoid getting whacked in the face, Cut slid her hooves around Anon and proceeded to pull him into a tight hug. At first she was worried it wasn’t going to work, but the longer she held him, the more he seemed to calm down. Though he only fully stopped squirming when Cut felt Pike wrap her hooves around him as well. Leaning up over Anon to look at her, Cut was curious to see if his restlessness had woken her up too. But no, apparently sleeping Pike was just hankering for some hugs.

‘Great timing!’

With Anon thankfully settled, it was easy for Cut to just drift away...

When Cut N. Paste next came to, the sun was shining through the window and the smell of breakfast was in the air!

‘Mmmmm, what a way to wake up!’

‘Wait a minute, I can see the windows. That’s right where Anon’s head should be! If Anon’s gone, but there’s still a pony wrapped in my forelegs, then that means—’

Pike moaned contentedly. “Mmmm, squeeze me tighter, Anon~”

“Pike?”

The mare’s eyes shot open as she looked up at the earth pony. “Cut!?”

Pike quickly forced her way out of Cut’s hooves, scrambling backwards in an attempt to put some distance between the two of them. Unfortunately, she put a little too much distance between them, and before Cut could warn her, she’d fallen right off the side of the bed with an “EEEE!”

“Pike!?”

She recovered almost immediately, her head popping back up over the side of the bed while she rubbed a spot she likely just bumped on the way down. “I’m fine, just uhhh, ahem, forget I said that.”

Cut chuckled into her hoof as she nodded. It made sense, after all; being held tight by their coltfriend wasn’t very marely, but it sure felt nice...

“Wait,” started Pike with sudden concern. “If we're both in here, then who's cooking?”

‘Oh no.’

In an instant, both of them turned their eyes and ears toward the kitchen. Holding for a few moments, Cut listened for anything out of the ordinary.

“Well... I don’t hear the fire alarm.”

“Or any cursing,” added Pike.

Taking a few experimental sniffs, Cut couldn’t smell anything burning either. “Maybe we’re just being too hard on him?”

Pike herself was looking... proud? “I suppose he had to learn eventually.”

Nocturnal Pike was beaming with pride. After all this time, the lessons had finally paid off.

“Anon, this is amazing!”

Arrayed before her was quite the breakfast spread: eggs, bacon, Prench toast, pancakes—even some sausage!

And Anon was standing over it all, beaming at her praise. “I figured I’d put all those lessons to good use and treat my favorite ladies!”

Cut paused midway through piling stuff on her plate. “Ladies? But we’re not royalty...”

Pike gently elbowed Cut in the ribs as the thestral rolled her eyes. Cut got the hint, but…

“Oh! It's like a human thing! Uhhh, your efforts are appreciated, m’lord!”

Before Pike’s hoof had even made it to her face, Anon had started laughing. “Hahaha, thanks for the tip, Cut.”

The earth pony’s face reddened at the implication. “H-hey! I’ll have you know, I’ve never owned a sun hat! Even though I may have wanted one... at one point...”

‘Oh no, Cuuuuut!’

Pike shook her head at the mare, hoping she understood the profundity of her sin.

But a grinning Anon quickly derailed the sentiment. “Ha! Actually, now that I think about it, you’d look pretty cute in a wide-brimmed sun hat.”

Cut scrunched her face, and Pike did too.

“Really?” They both asked in unison.

“What!?” he said, defensively. “Think about it, she’d look great!”

Deciding she didn’t want to wait a moment longer, Pike began cutting into her Prench toast. “Okay Mr. Alien, next you're going to tell me I’d look good in a fly mask!”

He stopped for a moment, probably trying to picture just that. “Snirk. Okay, okay. You’ve made your point.”

After that, the conversation quieted as the three of them began eating in earnest. And Pike had to say, she was impressed! Nothing was burned, and the things that needed seasoning were seasoned well. Even the sausage seemed like it had a little something special added. As Pike continued to eat though, she realized more and more that something was off.

Not with the food, but with Anon.

Every so often, his eyes would pass over Pike’s and Cut’s plates, always lingering on one a little longer than the other. Whenever this happened, his brow furrowed and occasionally he’d mutter something under his breath.

“Is her’s bigger? No, no. Wait...”

Pike tried to ignore it at first, but after the fifth or sixth time, it became apparent that she ought to ask him about it. But before she could, his fork and knife flew over to Cut’s plate and he deftly sliced off a small portion of her pancake. Picking up the piece he cut, he immediately moved his fork and knife over to Pike’s plate. However, right as they reached it, he turned the fork on a dime and slammed the slice into his own mouth instead. Staring in momentary confusion, Pike realized he’d long since finished his pancake, which brought all the pieces of the puzzle together:

‘He was just scouting which of us he should steal from! Bah, typical stallion.’

“Tisk tisk, I thought you were above being a thief, Anon,” Pike chided.

A split second of something—relief?—flashed on his face before he fell into the expected smug defiance. “I made this food, so I reserve the right to help myself if I want!”

Cut N. Paste had just observed something very odd. It almost looked like Anon was about to give Pike a piece of her pancake, before changing his mind at the last minute. But why in Equestria would he do that? That probably wasn’t actually what he was doing and she was just over-analyzing it (as she was wont to do), but considering what'd happened a few days ago, she couldn’t help but be a little concerned.

‘Oh! That reminds me…’

“Hey, Anon?”

He turned to face her. “Hm?”

“Is something bothering you?”

He didn’t immediately answer, but he didn’t avoid eye contact either. “Why do you ask?”

‘Great, now I’m tempted to just wave it off. I don’t want to make them worry about waking me up in the middle of the night. It’s just a stupid me problem, nothing they should have to worry about.’

‘But Anon did seem pretty distressed…’

‘No, I should say something.’

Cut took a breath to steady herself. “You seemed like you were having a pretty bad nightmare last night. You were tossing and turning.”

He became visibly concerned and he cut her off. “I didn’t wake you up did I?”

‘Oh no, now he’s worried about me! This was supposed to be about him!’

“I-It’s fine! I’ve actually been waking up an awful lot! It’s just ‘cause I’m not used to, y-ya know…” Cut was unable to look Anon in the eye as her face burned with embarrassment. She knew they wouldn’t judge her, but the shame of admitting it persisted regardless. “Sleeping with other ponies in the same bed...”

“Oh!” cried Pike. Cut’s head snapped over to look at her so fast that she missed Anon’s relieved sigh at the change in conversation. “I have just the thing for that!”

Hopping off her seat, Pike sailed across the room over to one of the cabinets. Much to Cut’s surprise, Pike physically climbed into the cabinet, and the earth pony immediately started hearing the sounds of her rummaging around. After a few moments, Cut heard a muffled “Aha!” and the thestral emerged with a tin in her mouth. Sailing overhead, Pike dropped it in front of Cut before gliding back into her seat. Taking a look at what she’d dropped in front of her, Cut saw it was a tea tin. On the front of it was a thestral sleeping snugly under a half moon with the name “Comfy Nightshade” written above it.

“It's what we evening shifters use to adjust our sleeping schedules, should help you sleep through the night,” said a smiling Pike.

‘Oh wow, this sounds like just what I need!’

Curiosity driving her, Cut flipped over the tin to check the ingredients. Poppy, valerian, passionflower, lavender, and... NIGHTSHADE!? That last one nearly made her eyes bug out of her head.

Spotting Cut’s aghast expression, Pike spoke up. “Yeah, I was just about to say that you should probably only steep it for half as long as it recommends. If you were a thestral I’d say do the whole five minutes, but you won’t have the nightshade tolerance we do.”

Cut would probably start with even less than that if she was being honest. On the plus side though, if that didn’t help her sleep through the night, nothing would! “Thanks, Pike!”

“Of course,” she replied. “And let me know when you run out. Only a few mares in my detachment still use it, but we still get two dozen tins of the stuff every month. We’ve grown quite a stockpile.”

‘Phew, wow, that’s a load off my shoulders! I’ll be able to sleep much easier no—hey wait a minute! This has gotten completely off track.’

Turning back to Anon, Cut decided to put her metaphorical hoof down. “Anon, you didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh?” he said with a start, bolting upright in his seat. “Ahh, yeah I guess I didn’t.”

Looking Cut right in the eyes, he answered. “It was just a dumb nightmare, don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”

To any other pony, that would have been enough. He spoke his words evenly and didn’t dodge her gaze, making it seem like on the surface, he was completely fine.

But not to Cut. As she looked into his eyes, she saw the eyes she’d seen on herself many times before.

The eyes of a pony who, despite what they may have told others, or even themselves, was not fine.

Chapter 41

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A concerned and mildly frustrated Cut N. Paste had kept pushing Anon at breakfast, but she could only ask “are you sure?” so many times before she felt like she was starting to sound like a lunatic. So, much to her chagrin, she let the issue lie. The earth pony had committed herself to being on high alert though, watching Anon for any more signs of unwellness.

Unfortunately, Cut had been so preoccupied with that that she neglected to grab her lunch out of the icebox when she and Anon left for work. Which meant, much to her embarrassment, she had to go back to the apartment on her lunch break in order to grab it.

Upon arriving there, however, Cut was pleasantly surprised to find Pike was home. She appeared to be in the middle of cooking something, although why she was doing that instead of guarding the castle, Cut had no idea. She wasn’t about to complain though. After all, this gave her the perfect opportunity to get her thoughts about that morning.

“Hey Cut,” Pike said the moment Cut stepped into the room.

‘She didn’t even need to turn around to know it was me! Probably her thestral hearing.’

“Forget your lunch?”

Trotting over to the icebox, Cut popped the lip open to see her lunchbox right where she expected it to be. “Yeah...” the earth pony answered sheepishly.

Pike shrugged as she threw something into the mixing bowl she was working with. “It happens.”

Grabbing her box out of the box, Cut decided to indulge her curiosity and trot over to Pike in an attempt to see what she was making. As she got close though, Pike moved the bowl behind her in an attempt to conceal it. Considering her size, it’d be pretty easy for Cut to just lean over her to look at it, but she decided to humor her.

“Ah ah ah!” PIke chided, “This is meant to be a surprise, for both you and Anon!”

She probably could have guessed, but the confirmation was nice regardless. Cut let out a little “ooooh” and nodded her head, which Pike took as a sign she could resume her work without Cut peeking.

“We’re running night drills tonight so I had the afternoon off. I figured I’d leave you and Anon with a little something since you probably won’t see me ‘till tomorrow.”

‘Aw, how sweet of her! To think my initial impression of her would be so far from the truth!’

‘Speaking of Anon though…’

“By the way, did something seem off about Anon this morning?”

Pike chuckled a bit, which made Cut’s face burn. She seemed to pick up on that though, and gave Cut a gentle punch to the shoulder. “Oh don’t be like that. He said he was fine like, what, six or seven times? You’ve got to admit that still being worried after that seems a little silly.”

Cut instinctively rubbed the spot where Pike bopped her. “I know, I know it’s just... I can’t shake the feeling. The way he looked at me, a-and the thing with the pancake I—”

“Cut, Cut, Cut,” Pike said, cutting her off. Turning away from the bowl once more, she reached up a hoof to put it on Cut’s shoulder. “Here is a prime opportunity for a lesson in mareliness.”

‘Oh?’

Seeing no objection from Cut, Pike continued. “When dealing with mares, you don’t need to analyze their every word and action. Unlike stallions, they’re upfront with their problems. Something all mares should be.” Pulling her hoof off Cut’s shoulder, she got back to work. “That’s a huuuuge perk of dating Anon. He’s like a mare in many ways, including, if he has a problem he’s almost always upfront with it.”

What she was saying made sense, but Cut just couldn’t let go of that niggling feeling. Feeling or not, however, she was probably right.

‘Maybe I should just—’

That’s when Pike interrupted her thoughts. “But if you’re really certain something’s up, keep on keeping an eye out. And, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll keep an eye out too. Don’t go searching for problems that aren’t necessarily there though.”

Cut couldn’t help but smile a bit; that really did make her feel better. If Pike was looking for it too and still didn’t see anything, then Cut could be sure she was just overanalyzing things. “Alright,” she said with a nod.

Pike smiled cheerily. “Great! Now if you wouldn’t mind, could you pass me the baking chocolate? It's on the high shelf and... well...”

A dead tired Nocturnal Pike was dragging herself up the stairs. She considered herself a mare of peak physicality, but even so, climbing the staircase to her apartment was proving to be a challenge. Luna, it must’ve been five AM!

‘Ugh.’

As perverse as it felt, the fact of the matter remained that Pike’s sleeping schedule wasn’t built for her to stay up so early.

‘Sorry, Princess.’

Pike couldn’t wait to get back to her bed and pass ou—

In an instant, the fatigue she was feeling was replaced by a massive burst of pure adrenaline. She was close to the apartment now, close enough that she could hear somepony shuffling about inside of it. There was no reason for Cut or Anon to be up at this hour, which left a very troubling possibility. Taking flight, Pike silently drifted over to the door of her apartment and prepared for the worst. Silently turning the door handle, she was surprised to find that the door was still locked.

‘Maybe it is Cut or Anon then, but why in Equestria would one of them be up?’

‘Oh, actually, now that I think about it, it's probably Cut. Comfy Nightshade tea probably isn’t strong enough after only steeping for two and a half minutes.’

Letting herself touch down and letting out a sigh of relief, Pike unlocked the door and entered without fear—only to see the opposite pony she’d been expecting.

“Anon!?”

‘Stars above what is he doing!?’

He was practically asleep on his hooves, his bleary eyed form shuffling like a zombie as he leaned into a broom that was apparently the source of the shuffling sound she’d heard earlier. The stallion was so out of it that he didn’t even immediately acknowledge that she’d addressed him! His head dragged itself up to look at her like it was a bag of sand, and it took several seconds of visible effort for his tired eyes to focus on the thestral.

When he finally did though, a wave of relief washed over him. “Oh thank—Ahem. Welcome home, honey!”

Still in a state of minor shock, Pike walked over to him. “Anon, what are you still doing up!?”

“I was... I was uhhhhh...” He was unable to answer, reduced to confusedly looking around the room for some sort of clue. Eventually though, his eyes feel upon the broom he’d leaned up against. “Oh! Right, I was sweeping! I thought the apartment was overdue for a sweep and just lost track of time! Silly old me!”

‘Oh Luna, Cut was absolutely right. How did I not see this!?’

“Anon, what’s bothering you?”

Despite his exhaustion, he jumped at that. “Wha- Nothing! I just got swept up in the fever of cleaning!”

‘Oh that is such a lie. Does he really think I’d fall for that?’

“You didn’t really think I’d belie—”

“Oh, speaking of time, it’s time for bed!”

Any further protests Pike had were immediately and totally eclipsed by what Anon did next:

He picked her up.

“EEEEE! ANON YOU KNOW I HATE BEING MAREHANDLED PUT ME DOWN!”

The absolute RAT didn’t even acknowledge her, simply carrying her off like she was his hoofbag!

‘UNBELIEVABLE!’

He yawned loudly. “I don’t know about you but I am beat! I think I’ll be out the moment my head hits the pillow!”

Violently thrashing around in his telekinetic grip, Pike could feel her frustration at being marehandled exponentially compound with her frustration at being unable to escape. “PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!”

Surprisingly, her wish was granted. No later than had she shouted that, she found herself suddenly flung through the air, landing smack dab next to Cut on the bed.

‘Oh wow, she managed to sleep through all of that! Guess the tea did the trick.’

Just as Pike managed to regain her bearings after quite literally being tossed, she felt Anon hop into bed on the other side of her. “Now Ano—”

But her futile attempt to interject was cut off by a very unmarely sound, forced out of her by Anon when he immediately locked her into a hug-sandwich between himself and Cut. “Eeep!”

Without missing a beat, he pecked her on the forehead and closed his eyes. “Mwah. Night, hon!”

Pike squirmed in his grip hoping to worm her way out, but she was quite thoroughly stuck between the two of them. “Come on, Anon!” she whined.

It quickly became apparent, however, that he actually fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. Which, now that the cocktail of rage and adrenaline was departing her veins, she could sympathize with. The thestral yawned, further fading as the time of night and all of her earlier struggling rapidly caught up with her.

‘I suppose that since he’s already asleep, I might as well put off bugging him until tomorrow. Plus, he’s going to need the rest.’

Resigning herself to procrastination, Pike settled in for the night.

‘Huh, you know, I’ve gotta admit, being smooshed between Anon and Cut is very, VERY comfy…’

Chapter 42

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The next day, Cut N. Paste was, amazingly, even more concerned. When she’d tried to wake Anon in the morning, she’d found he was in the exact shape she would’ve expected Pike to be in: tired to the point of non-functionality. She ended up needing to assert herself just a bit, by insisting that he stay home from work and get some rest. He briefly tried to fight it, but after he nearly collapsed face first into his bowl of cereal, he acquiesced. Cut ended up staying behind too, in order to watch over him. She was sure Aunt Jargon would understand.

Both Anon and Pike were sleeping peacefully (Pike said she planned to give her mares the day off after all), while Cut sat in the living room, sorting some of her Cyber: The Assembly decks. Or, she supposed they were sleeping peacefully; going by the sound of shuffling bedsheets, somepony just got out of bed. Craning her neck and looking over her shoulder, Cut caught Pike emerging from the bedroom, looking as concerned as Cut felt.

“He wasn’t up to going to work?” Pike asked, nodding towards the bedroom.

Cut couldn’t help but notice she didn’t sound surprised. “No,” she said as she shook her head. “Do you have any idea what happened?”

The thestral sighed wearily, and Cut could see a bit of shame creep into her typically confident expression. “You were right is what happened.”

‘I was!?’

Cut honestly kind of wasn't expecting to be proven right. However, any relief she might’ve felt was overshadowed by the simple fact that she was right.

“What did he do?”

Pike trotted over to the couch, taking a seat next to Cut before answering. “I think he was waiting for me.”

‘What? Why?’

She knew he’d seen the cake and the note that Pike had left the both of them, so he must have known she wouldn’t be getting back until the wee hours of the morning. Why the heck would he wait for her then?

Cut’s mind ran through a multitude of possible reasons, but nothing she came up with was really satisfactory. “Why would he do that?”

Pike shrugged, a solemn look on her face. “I don’t know. He tried to give me some horseapples about how he stayed up because ‘the apartment needed a sweep.’”

If Cut cocked her eyebrow any higher, she was pretty sure it would’ve flown off her face. “Really?”

Pike scoffsed, clearly having felt similar incredulity. “I know right?! Since when did he care about sweeping?”

While the two of them talked, Cut’s mind continued to search for a possible explanation. “So you weren’t able to get the real answer out of him?”

Pike crossed her hooves, grumbling. “I tried to get him to spill it, but he just picked me up! And he knows how much I hate being marehandled!” She looked over her shoulder at the bedroom door, letting out a sigh. “I’m planning on pestering him about it again when he wakes up, but I get the feeling he’ll just wave it off again.”

She was probably right, considering how things went the last time Cut asked him if something was wrong. “What should we do then? Just try to puzzle out the problem and fix it ourselves?”

Pike slumped her shoulders. “That could work, if we can figure out what it is.”

She raised a good point; that was much easier said than done. Scrunching her face in concentration, Cut tried to figure out what it could be. Nothing had happened at work, and nothing had really happened at home, either...

That is, except for his whimsey fit.

“Hey Pike?”

She looked up from her own concentration towards the earth pony. “Yeah?”

“You don’t think that the stuff that gave him his whimsy fit is still bothering him, do you?” Cut asked.

Nocturnal Pike didn’t think that was it. Back when she was young, whenever her Dad ever threw a fit about something, her Mom would always pull him out of it with some kind words and a big old hug! But, Anon was pretty anxious about herding before, so it wasn’t impossible that some new anxiety had taken the place of the one she’d placated.

“Hm, I don’t think that’s it, but I think you’re on the right track.”

The problem with that being, it meant whatever was eating him wasn’t likely something she could fix without knowing what the problem was. The thestral tapped one of her hooves in an attempt to work out some of her mounting frustration.

‘Aaarg! Why won’t he just tell me!?’

‘Maybe... maybe it's something he doesn’t want the two of us to worry about?’

Which, of course, was causing Pike to do the opposite. “If that’s the case though, we’ll just be playing a guessing game unless we can get him to tell us what it is.”

Cut hummed in agreement, before her face suddenly lit up. “I have an idea!” Glancing at the mare, Pike nodded, signaling her to continue. “If he’s still evasive when you ask him today, why don’t we try to catch him in the act?”

‘That’s actually a pretty great idea. If both of us confront him in the moment of doing something odd, he almost certainly won’t be able to worm his way out of that!’

“That just might work! Did you have something in mind?”

Cut beamed under Pike’s praise, clearly excited to be positively contributing to the herd. “W-well I figure, if last night wasn’t just a complete coincidence, Anon will probably stay up late again if one of us isn’t home, right?”

Pike nodded. “Makes sense.”

“So how about I stay late at work a few days from now and we see what he does?”

Putting her forehooves on Cut’s shoulders, Pike looked her right in the eyes. “Cut... that’s genius.”

Cut N. Paste was feeling confident that the plan would succeed. Honestly, she was a little worried that finding a reason to stay at the office so late would be hard, but it turned out she needed the time to catch up from that day she’d missed. All it took then was finding the perfect day to spring the trap.

Which was today, a few days later, for two major reasons: Firstly, so that he couldn’t use his late night as an excuse for staying up late. And secondly, so that she and Pike could continue to observe him.

He’d never done something as outright strange as staying up until five AM for no apparent reason again, but occasionally, Cut would catch various small oddities. For example, she’d noticed that now he’d never hug just one of them; it was always both. Whenever only one of them went in for a hug, he'd hesitate, flinching until the other one joined in. He never made it obvious, but being on the lookout for it allowed Cut to consistently see it.

This only served to embolden the mares’ shared quest for truth.

And, judging by the fact that as Cut drew closer to the apartment door, she could hear somepony moving around, she believed the resolution was close at hoof. It was three-thirty AM: a time that even with their skewed sleep schedules, was an odd one to be awake at.

Stopping in front of the door, she took a deep breath.

‘Alright Cut, be ready. Sure Pike will be there too, but if you can't assert yourself, you won’t be much help at all.’

‘Deep breath in, deep breath out. Anon may be your prince, but you need to do this for his own good.’

‘Deep breath in, deep breath out.’

‘Alright, ready!’

With her nerves sufficiently steeled, Cut was ready to face what was on the other side of the front door head on!

‘What was on the other side’ being Anon, washing the dishes.

He turned to Cut before she could call out to him, and he was visibly relieved at the sight of her. “Ahh, welcome home!”

Seeing no reason to waste time, Cut got right into it. “Thanks, Anon, but what are you still doing up?”

“Oh!” he said, glancing around nervously, “I was just doing some dishes!”

Trotting closer to him unintentionally gave her a closer look at those dishes he was doing. And the closer she got, the more she realized that those were the majority of the dishes in their cabinets. He wasn’t just washing the dishes the three of them had used today, he was washing all of them.

‘Steady your voice, Cut, speak with authority!’

“Okay seriously, what's bothering you?”

Anon attempted to scoff defiantly, but it came off as more of a resigned sigh. “Come on, why do you and Pike keep asking me that? I'm fine.”

“No you aren’t,” came Pike’s voice from the bedroom. She quickly emerged, taking a position next to Cut. “I’ve been listening to you pull dishes out of the cupboard to wash for the past several hours. Now what’s wrong?”

Anon, finally seeing there was no way out, slumped his shoulders. “It’s just dumb,” he muttered under his breath.

Pike looked at him with sympathetic eyes. “Obviously not if it's bothering you this much.”

“But that’s the thing, it shouldn’t be bothering this much,” came his suddenly impassioned reply. “I mean, you both told me I didn’t need to worry about it and that you’d be there for me—”

“—but I just can’t get over that stupid feeling that I need to give you equal... everything! Unless I want the herd to fall apart.”

Nocturnal Pike felt like the floor had just fallen out from under her.

Cut was right, again. Those feelings that spawned his whimsey fit? They were never really placated to begin with.

‘I failed.’

“And I know its dumb, that’s why I didn’t want you two to worry about it.”

Pike felt like she was about to keel over.

‘How could I not have noticed? How did I miss this? I did what every mare would do in that situation, exactly what Mom would have done!’

‘What an alpha is supposed to do!’

‘But that didn’t make it the right thing to do.’

“Anon,” chimed in Cut’s sad voice, “You should have just told us.”

“But why?” he whined, exasperated, “It's not like either of you two can actually do anything about it. It's just something I need to force myself to get over. All telling you is going to do is stress you out too.”

While Pike attempted to crush the mounting feeling of panic, Cut walked over to put a reassuring hoof on Anon’s back. “I thought the same thing about my sleeping problems, but Pike showed me that tea and now I’ve never slept better! You never know how ponies can help until you ask.”

‘Oh Luna, she’s even doing a better job of comforting him right now!’

‘This is what you get for allowing yourself to distance yourself from who you ought to be!’ Came the cruel, mocking voice in Pike’s mind. ‘You’ve allowed yourself to fall from mareliness and look where it's gotten you! You’re a failure of an alpha!’

‘I’ve got to do something, got to salvage this! Herds look to their alpha for guidance, I’ve got to come up with something!’

As Pike panicked, Anon continued to mope. ”I just don’t see what either of you could do.”

“A SCHEDULE!” Pike blurted out, a little more desperately than she intended. The two of them just looked confused, unaware of her distress thanks to her mastery of her poker face.

Anon blinked. “How so?”

‘Okay Pike, you’ve brought it back, now get yourself under control!’

“Ahem. What if we set aside certain days to focus on specific ponies? Like, say Tuesdays are Cut’s day. That day you set aside to do something with her, and another day you’ll set aside to do something specifically with me.”

“Right right!” Cut chimed in, “And then we can have a third day we set aside for all three of us to always do something together.”

‘Phew, alright, I’m not a complete failure after all.’

Pike’s body wanted to sag in relief, but she kept her posture rigid. Commanding, even.

Anon was still frowning, but he began to have something of a thoughtful look. “That... honestly might help.”

“See?” Cut said to Anon before turning to Pike. “That’s why you’re the alpha, Pike. You always know what to do.”

‘For now.’

Quiet, thoughts! This is about Anon!’

“Will it help enough that you won’t be staying up until three-thirty if one of us comes home late?” Pike asked.

Anon grimaced, which was not the reaction she was hoping for. “I dunno, maybe?” Looking down at his hooves, he sighed as he started to shuffle them. “I mean, it's not like I wanted to stay up so late, but that night Pike wasn’t home...” As he recounted that night, his expression grew more and more pained. “...I kept having these thoughts. ‘Look at you, you piece of shit. About to sleep easy while Pike’s not even there. How’s she going to feel when she comes home and sees you snuggling against Cut and not her? Replaced is how she’ll feel.’”

‘That’s... rather dark. No wonder he chose to sweep for hours and hours instead.’

“That’s why I didn’t even bother trying to go to sleep tonight. I knew I’d be haunted until Cut got home, so I figured I might as well make use of that time.”

That fit with what Pike had experienced. Earlier he’d said that he’d ‘join you shortly’ but he never joined her at all.

Lifting his head, but keeping it bowed, he addressed both Pike and Cut. “And, again, I know that’s irrational, but it’s just that same thing that had me spazzing out a few days ago. I don't know how to make sure that I’m loving you both equally, or how to make sure you know I love you both equally. So instead my subconscious just obsesses over making everything equal.”

Finally rising to his full height, he looked out over both the mare’s heads. “But this scheduled days idea... I think it’s a start.”

Pike and Cut needed only to share a quick glance to know they both had the same idea for this exact moment. Rushing him, the both of them wrapped him in a big hug, one that drew a heaving sigh of relief out of him.

‘You know, I just had a great idea for a one liner.’

Pike grinned. “I’m glad to hear that, Anon. But I think our real start should probably be going the buck to bed.”

While it sounded cool in the moment, and got a laugh out of both Cut and Anon, it wasn’t quite accurate. Anon wanted to take a warm shower to calm his nerves, and Cut needed to brew her tea.

Which left Nocturnal Pike with a brief time with nothing to do but reflect, and think.

Sitting on the couch and staring at her hooves, she pondered her failure. The sound of the shower directed her thoughts to Anon, her stallion.

Her stallion who’s fears she’d inexcusably failed to calm.

Her mother always taught her that the only thing that could erase a stallion’s whimsical fears was the grasp of a strong mare.

‘Did I fail because I’m not truly a strong mare anymore? Has my indulgence in this part of me rendered me a failure!?’

“Hey.”

Surprised, Pike looked up from her hooves to see Cut, having left her vigil at the teapot to join her side. Placing her hoof on Pike’s shoulder, she could tell Cut was trying to channel that same energy she was earlier.

“So uh, what’s bothering you?”

Pike’s first instinct was to tell her it's nothing and to wave her off, but the thestral realized that’d be pretty stupid considering the night’s events. Despite the cocktail of despair, she managed to keep her voice even. “I just can’t believe I failed.”

Cut looked deeply shocked, and somewhat offended, by her assertion. “What do you mean you failed?”

The thestral resisted the urge to slam her hoof on the coffee table. “I mean I failed, dang it! How didn’t I see it? How could I have been so wrong?!”

“That’s just it, you weren’t wrong.”

Pike gave her a look of pure incredulity.

‘How was I not wrong!?’

Cut, clearly reading the question on her face, continued. “You said Anon acts like a mare, and you were right. Isn’t it all too common for mares to bottle up their emotions so as to not burden others?”

‘She... she’s completely right.’

That was one of the lessons Pike’s mother sought to hammer into her head, ever since she was a filly. ‘A marely mare keeps her emotions to herself.’

Cut continued. “So I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Since after all...”

But at that point, Pike was a little ashamed to admit, she’d tuned her out. But only because her mind had found something far more troubling to focus on.

Pike’s Mom had always said stallions not adhering to that principle was a source of problems for all mares. But here... Anon, a stallion, was adhering to that principal, but all it was doing was making him miserable, and making Pike and Cut worry.

‘Does that mean…’

Suddenly, several memories surfaced in Pike’s mind. When she was young, her parents used to fight a lot, especially after Dad had any sort of whimsy fit. Her Mom always told her it was because her Dad was especially catty, and Pike took her at her word and didn’t think much of it. Looking back on it now though, the parallels between those fights and her situation were uncanny. Both Pike and her Mom presumed the situations resolved, only to find they weren’t at all.

Maybe the reason what she did with Anon didn’t work, had nothing to do with her not being marely enough. Maybe the advice itself was just manure! But if that was folly, and the lesson that mares should keep emotions to themselves didn’t actually make anything better, how much more of what her mom told her was bunk!? How much more of this standard that she’d based her life, her sense of self, even her leadership style around... was stupid!?

Phwwwwwwwwwwwht!

“Oh, that's the teapot!” The whistle of the teapot and Cut’s voice grabbed Pike by the scruff of her neck and yanked her out of the downward spiral.

Pike felt bad that she’d missed the entirety of what Cut was saying, but at the same time, she felt like she’d realized something important. Something she should really keep thinking about, no matter how much she wanted to put it off. Because that's just what she’d been doing: bottling it up and putting it off.

‘Am I really any different than Anon?’

Pike looked up toward the kitchen. “Hey, can you pour me a cup too?”

Chapter 43

View Online

The evening was late. Nocturnal Pike’s work day had been fairly unassuming, and from what she could gather, so were Cut’s and Anon’s. Pike was relaxing in the living room, basking in the heat provided by the building’s boiler as the wind whipped outside, while Anon and Cut dove into tonight’s activity. Which was Cut teaching Anon—or reteaching him, Pike supposed—how to play Cyber: The Assembly. Something the thestral had absolutely no interest in participating in.

And hey, that was a-okay! By the schedule the three of them had worked out, tonight was Cut’s night, so she got to pick the activity. A schedule that Pike was pleased to report seemed to be helping Anon quite a bit. Every so often she’d still catch him looking at her while kissing Cut or vice versa, but he was getting better about cutting back on weird things like that. So, even if she was just going to be sitting there all evening watching them nerd out, she was content.

Plus watching Cut have to physically restrain herself from wiping the floor with him had been pretty funny.

“Aha!” she cried after seeing Anon’s latest move. Reaching into her hoof of cards, she dramatically pulled one out and moved to place it on the table. “In that case, I tap all of my factories and play—!”

Only to stop herself moments before she actually put the card on the table. “Actually on second thought, ahaha, I’m just going to attack with my Terminator!”

Pike could feel Anon roll his eyes as Cut awkwardly slid the card back into her hoof. “Play the card, Cut.”

“No-no, that’s okay! I’ll just... not do that,” she said with an awkward smile.

It was obvious she was trying to give Anon an out, but Anon’s will was unwavering. “I told you not to hold back on me. Play. The. Card.”

The earth pony sighed, pulling the same card out of her hoof again. This time, when she placed it, she did so with resignation rather than triumph. “I play Seamless Merger and win the game.”

A beat of silence passed through the room as Pike and Anon processed what Cut had just said.

Needless to say, their twin reactions were night and day.

“WHAT!?”

As Anon shouted out his shocked indignation, Pike doubled over in a deep belly laugh, nearly falling off the couch.

“Hahahahahaha! Well, Anon, hahahahahaaaa, you told her not to hold back!”

Picking his jaw off the floor, he snatched the card off the table. “Let me see that!”

Pike could feel the tears of mirth in her eyes as he pulled the card up to his face to scrutinize it.

“You win the game if you control a factory of each basic type and a construct of each color,” he read aloud. Peeking over the card, he took stock of Cut’s side of the table. “Let’s see, white, black, red, blue... Aha! You’re missing a gre- wait no, you’ve got a green. Dang!” Tossing the card back onto the table, he crossed his forehooves with a harrumph. “That is one mean card. How would I have even beaten that?”

Reaching across the board, Cut tapped her hoof on one of Anon’s cards. “Well this one has Provoke. So, you could have provoked my A-mare-zon Delivery Truck for an easy kill, and then I wouldn’t have had a green creature. Destroying it would have even given your card two +1/+1 counters!”

Anon, keeping his forehooves crossed, leaned over to inspect the card himself. Pike could tell things were exactly as she said though, because as soon as he got an eyeful of the card, he dropped his hooves back to his side.

Realizing he truly got outplayed, he sighed with a smile on his face. “Well darn, I completely forgot about that.” Now it was his turn to chuckle, just as Pike’s giggles were starting to subside. “Haha, maaaaan, I suck.”

Turning toward the thestral, he gently pushed her back from the edge of the couch. “Sure you don’t want to play with us, Pike? It’d be nice to have somepony else to take some of the heat.”

With her laughter subsided, Pike was finally able to once again sit up straight. As she did, she decided to humor him, and she reached out over the table to grab the now infamous card for herself. Her eye was immediately drawn to the artwork at the top: three badass robots hoisting the flag of victory.

‘Sweet. If that’s what this game is about, maybe I can get into it.’

But just as she was starting to be convinced, she noticed the large text box below it.

‘Words, words, words, rules, rules, rules, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, nah.’

Pike glanced back up at Anon. “No thanks, this is a little too much nerd for my blood.” Tossing the card back over to Cut, the earth pony deftly caught it and seamlessly slid it back into the deck she was shuffling.

‘Ooooh, very nice!’

Pike felt her lip twitch into a slight grin. “The art’s pretty cool though.”

Anon chuckled at her assertion, before hopping off the couch and trotting over to the box where Cut kept the rest of her decks. “Alright, Cut...”

“...What deck should I pick if I want to win?”

Anonymous the unicorn apparently remembered a lot less, and was much worse at Magic than he thought he was.

Or, Cyber, he supposed.

Sure he hadn’t really played that much, but he thought he’d at least remember the basics! He figured he’d consistently lose to Cut too, but this was just getting embarrassing.

“I saw one with a spaceship on the box earlier, you should use that one!” said Pike.

Her interjection put a smile on Anon’s face. For a moment there he’d thought she was going to bounce the moment Cut pulled out the Mag- Cyber cards, but he was glad she hadn’t. Honestly, it still stressed him out a little when he spent time with just one of them. But that was the point of these scheduled days: to help settle his fears with the power of math. He was feeling less like an asshole for snuggling up to one of them when the other wasn't around, so he’d take that as a sign it was working, at least.

‘Hey enough about your problems, brain, today’s supposed to be about Cut!’

And she still needed to answer his question.

“Hmmm, the megacorp galactic destiny deck? It would compliment his playstyle of just throwing constructs at me,” she said to herself.

Knowing Cut, it looked like if he didn’t choose for her, she'd be considering the logistics of each deck for the next twenty minutes. But it wasn’t like he knew what any of the decks could do, either; how was he supposed to choose?

‘Oh wait, there is one deck that I know how to work!’

“Hey! How about you let me use the deck with that insta-win card, and I’ll pick a deck at random for you to use! That should even the odds a bit.”

That, predictably, snapped Cut out of her thinking with a start. “Ahh! A-actually that would probably work. I haven’t used some of those decks in a long time.”

‘Perfect!’

Peering inside and reaching into the box, Anon dug through it to find whichever deck was buried at the absolute bottom of the stack.

‘Deeper... deeper… Oooh! This one’s box is covered in dust, excellent!’

Pulling the deck out triumphantly, he presented it to Cut. “Here you go, babe.”

She turned quite a delightful shade of red at the pet name, but she tried to remain stoic to preserve some of her (little) marely pride. “Ahem. Th-thank you! Uh, sweetie!” Grabbing the deck out of his magic, she placed her recently used deck in front of Anon before setting the new deck down for herself.

Which allowed her to actually get a good look at it.

“Woah, wait, is this my third generation blue-red control deck? I haven’t used this in years! I thought I lost it,” she said with a look of wonder on her face.

‘Jackpot! Sounds like my ship has finally come in.’

‘Victory, here I come!’

“And that brings your life total to zero; I win.”

It was taking everything Anon had to not slam his face into the table. The universe practically handed him victory on a silver platter, and he still blew it. Cut still had ten life! Ten!

‘Jesus this mare is good.’

Speaking of that mare, she was already rushing to soften the blow as she awkwardly adjusted her glasses. “B-but you did really well this time! You’re getting the hang of it.”

He supposed she was right, but that really didn’t make him feel better about it.

‘Fuck.’

His pride was screaming at him for what he was about to say, but at some point, a man’s got to admit he’s beat. “Alright, babe, I think I’m going to have to go back on my word and ask you to go easy on me.”

Anon could hear Pike smirk into her hoof at that, which was completely fair.

Cut blinked. “Oh? You sure?”

Anon sighed once more. He hated having people go easy on him, but at this point it was obvious that the skill gap was just too great. If she didn’t, the rest of the night was just going to be him getting his ass kicked on repeat.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He started gathering his cards again, opting to stick with the deck he’d done the best with so far. “Be honest with me though: how many tournaments have you won?”

As he started shuffling, he was expecting to hear something along the lines of a bashful Cut giving an answer in the high teens.

But that’s not what he got.

Instead, she glumly hung her head as she set her deck down. “None.”

Anon was so surprised by the answer that he nearly dropped the deck he was shuffling, his magic only barely catching it at the last moment.

‘How can that be?!’

“Really?” came the suddenly interested voice from his side. “So what you’re telling me is Anon is just complete manure at this card game?”

‘What!? No I’m not! I’m alright!’

‘…I think.’

“No, no he’s not,” said Cut.

‘Phew!’

“I mean, I’ve been cleaning house at the friendly games Silken runs every so often, but I’ve never actually won any real tournaments.”

Setting his own deck down, but seeing how Cut had yet to draw from hers, Anon refrained from pulling any cards. “Geez, must be some stiff competition.”

Cut laughed out loud, although the laugh sounded more angry than anything. “Are you kidding? Those stupid bitches don’t know their aggros from their controls!”

‘I hardly know the difference between those things myself! So, what, they’re on my level then?’

Pike’s face was one of confusion. “What’s uh, stopping you from stomping them, then?”

Cut’s entire body drooped, her eyes shifting to look out the window. She mumbled something, quietly enough that Anon couldn’t hear it.

“Say that again, hon?”

Cut sighed in exasperation, before speaking at a level he could hear. “It's ‘cause they always make fun of me...”

‘Oh.’

‘Oooooooooh.’

“So it's that kind of tournament,” he said, knowingly.

Cut sighed once more. “Yeah, it's that kind of tournament.”

By then, Anon completely understood. God knows there’s a lot of ammo they could use against poor Cut.

“Hold on, I’m out of the loop here,” Pike chimed in. “What kind of tournament?”

Anon put a hoof on his chin and gave a thoughtful hum.

‘How do I put this in a way she can comprehend…’

‘...Aha!’

“You gu- ahem, gals trash talk each other at the guard hoofball tournaments, right?”

Pike quirked her brow. “Yeah?”

‘Perfect.’

“But there are lines you wouldn’t cross, right?”

Pike was following along now. “Of course. If you’re too much of a flankhole you get ejected from the game.”

Anon nodded. “Now imagine if that wasn’t the case, and all the ponies competing were a bunch of bitter bitches.”

Pike froze as realization dawned on her face. “Oh, oooooooooooh!” The more she dwelled on it however, the more her face went from understanding to disgust. “Oh. That’s... that’s terrible. Over a card game? Stars above…”

Her exclamation left the mood far more somber than it was before. Which was to be expected, really; the idea of dealing with ponies like that would put a damper on anyone’s mood. He needed to do something to bring the mood back up, stat!

‘And what better way to do that than to shit on people who deserve it?’

And so, with all the joviality he could muster, Anon quipped, “That’s why they call them, uhhh... marefoals, I guess.”

Nocturnal Pike now understood why Cut didn’t go to tournaments. A mare of her emotional constitution? There was no way she could take that kind of abuse. However, there was one thing she didn’t understand—and that was what Anon had just said.

“That’s why they’re called what now?” Pike asked. She was hoping it was some nerd thing, but a sideways glance at Cut sunk that theory. She looked just as confused as Pike was!

As Anon glanced between the two mares, he seemed to realize they didn’t get it. “You know! Marefillies...?”

Pike and Cut both shook their heads.

Pike was internally running through her mental “Anon to pony” dictionary, hoping that might shed some light on his choice of words.

‘Hmmmmm, well mare means man, and foal usually means kid. Mankid?’

‘That doesn’t help at all!’

Pike was absolutely baffled, but she had to hoof it to him: if he was just saying nonsense to help lift the mood, it seemed to be working.

“Marefoal, as in a mare that acts like a filly?” Cut asked.

Anon’s face lit up, as Cut had clearly hit the nail on the head. “Exactly! Back home we had a special term for people like that. I hoped it would translate directly.”

‘Oh! Now I know what he’s trying to say.’

“The word you’re looking for is ‘yearling,’ Anon,” Pike said.

Anon suddenly balked in apparent surprise. “What, like the author? Pffft, fuck off, you do not call them that!”

His reaction was just extreme enough to banish the last of that somber mood, and had immediately left the mares in stitches. Which, of course, also meant he definitely didn’t believe her now.

“Oh you two are so messing with me!”

“We’re not!” cried Cut between guffaws, “It's true! They’re a bunch of stuck up yearlings!”

Anon crossed his hooves and pouted, his every word dripping with indignation despite the ghost of a smile on his lips. “Oh yeah, what came first then? The author or the word?”

Which of course just made Pike and Cut laugh even harder. “The word!” Pike gasped out between fits of laughter. “Who do you think buys all her books!?”

Anon’s ire was instantly shattered as the same mirth that possessed Pike and Cut took hold of him. “Ha! Oh God, her parents must have hated her. Imagine naming your kid Manchild!”

Cut, having calmed down enough to speak, wiped a tear from her eye. “Well, it's probably a pen name.”

Anon snorted in a very unlordlike way. “So what, she just hates her fans?”

That nearly sent Cut into another laughing fit. “Ha! Have you ever been to a Daring Do convention?” Her gaze swiveled between Anon and Pike, clearly expecting the two of them to chime in with their own experiences, but they just shook their heads.

‘Honestly, what did she expect?’

“W-well they can get pretty bad,” she awkwardly amended.

Hoping to throw her a bone, Pike decided to chime in with the only Daring Do convention related story she had. “I did have to break up a bar fight after one a couple years ago, if that counts.”

She barely noticed as Cut suddenly stiffened. “It... wasn’t at the Salty Spitoon, was it?”

‘Oh hey, I’d forgotten the name of the bar it happened at!’

“It was! About five years ago, back when I was just a lowly patrolmare.”

For the briefest of moments, Cut’s fur stood on end and she started fidgeting with her hooves.

‘Odd.’

Ignoring the fidgeting, Pike continued.“Astral and I were expecting an easy patrol, despite what we heard was in town, but filly were we wrong!” She remembered the moment with perfect clarity. She’d just got done ranting about how it was stupid for the two of them to even be patrolling that night, when suddenly a chair came flying out the window of the bar. “By the time we were on the scene, that whole bar was at each other’s throats!”

Thinking back to the mental image, Pike couldn’t help but start laughing. After all...

“The best part is, every single one of them was still in costume!”

The image made Anon start laughing along. However, Cut just nervously tittered.

‘What could be bothering her?’

Cut took a shallow breath. “Do you happen to... remember why the fight started?”

‘Oooh ooh! That part’s great too!’

“It was all over one of the villains! The stallion! Oh what was his name...”

“Caballeron?” Cut added with what almost seemed to be mounting horror.

“That’s it!” Pike cried, “They were fighting over him!”

According to the witnesses after the fact, some mare was claiming that he just needed a guiding hoof to set him straight, and another questioned whether or not the former had even read the books. Then the punches started flying.

“I almost couldn’t believe it was all over some stallion. A fictional stallion!”

‘Aw mare, the mileage I’ve gotten out of that story.’

Pike stopped for a moment to consider things. Cut was obviously no stranger to Daring Do conventions, maybe she was there? Heck, maybe she even knew the mare that supposedly threw the first punch! Pike never did find her.

‘...come to think of it, Cut’s build is pretty similar to how witnesses described that mare… And Cut herself is looking awfully nervous for some reason...’

“Ahaha, s-see what I mean?” Cut nervously chuckled. “Those yearlings can get a-awfully awful about things.”

‘Is she...?’

‘Nah, I’m just imagining things.’

“Anyway, so yeah. That’s why the tournament sucks,” Cut concluded.

Anon hummed for a moment, before leaning over the table, forehooves crossed, and once again focusing on Cut. “About that,” he cut in, “It's not like there’s not a bunch of board game shops in town. Why don’t one of those just make a new tournament if this one’s so bad?”

Cut, clearly relieved, playfully rolled her eyes. “Celestia, I wish! The Board Game Barn cut some kinda deal with the company that makes Cyber though.”

‘Oh Luna, it's there?!’

Just thinking about that place made Pike (and Anon, considering the sound he just made) gag.

“Blech, It's there? Jesus, no wonder it's crap. Well now you’ve gotta go back!”

Cut N. Paste was staring at the stallion, dumbfounded.

‘Huh!?’

‘I just got done telling Anon about how horrible the ponies that enter that tournament are! Why would he suggest I go back?!’

“I’m not following,” Pike said, mirroring Cut’s own thoughts.

Anon just perplexingly pointed to himself and Pike. “Isn’t it obvious?”

He sounded far more incredulous than he had any right to be. He held his hooves there for a moment, waiting for either Cut or Pike to pick up on what he was implying. After several seconds of the two of them not making whatever connection he wanted them to though, he let them drop.

“Okay, okay, think about it like this: how would they try to make fun of you?”

Out of habit, Cut looked down at her hooves.

‘Don’t bite them, Cut! Pike had them done for a reason!’

“Th-they’d probably tell me I’m fat, make f-fun of my teats...”

“No, no, no, that’s not what I mean,” Anon cut her off while shaking his head. “Why would they bring those up? What would they use those things to say?”

‘Well probably that I’d never get a—’

Cut’s eyes shot wide open.

‘Oh, OH!’

“They’d say I’d never get a coltfriend!”

Anon did an odd motion with one of his spectral hands, making a “snap” sound. “Exactly! And what do you have?”

“A herd!” excitedly added Pike. “Anon that’s genius! There’s no way those maladjusts have had as much as a date to their name, so anything they’d try to use at Cut would just be nocking a bow with an empty quiver!”

Suddenly it all made sense!

Cut began imagining her opponent telling her that she’d die alone, only for Anon to strut up and kiss her on the lips. The looks on their faces would be priceless! Best of all, she doubted many of them could even beat her in a fair game! All they used were cheap meta decks, which she could easily counter...

Pike and Anon clearly shared Cut’s newfound enthusiasm, as they both excitedly discussed the best ways to torture the tournament goers.

Which, Cut would admit, sounded pretty dang fun. However, the fact was...

“I-I still don’t know if I really want to do that.”

They both stopped in their tracks.

Anon looked at her for a moment, before seemingly coming to a conclusion. ”...Yeah, I can see it.”

“What!?,” Pike interjected, rapidly looking between Cut and Anon, “Why not!?”

“W-well...” Cut quickly stopped herself, taking a deep breath to steel her nerves. “Ahem. I’d still have to be there and have those ponies say those things to me.”

Pike deflated as she came to understand the dilemma. “Darn.”

She scrunched her face, clearly trying to puzzle something out. “...Even if Anon and I were there the whole time?”

Well, sure, that would make it much better, but Cut wouldn’t make them do that. Those tournaments could go all night! Almost all they’d be doing would be just waiting around the whole time. “I don’t want the two of you to waste your day just so I could win some dumb tournament.”

Anon clapped his hooves, making Cut flinch just a bit. “Nonsense! Spending an evening messing with these gals would hardly be a waste!”

“And,” said Pike conspiratorially, her face turning mischievous, “It can all serve a higher purpose!” Hopping off the couch, she strutted over to the earth pony and put a hoof on her shoulder. “Cut, a mare must be assertive and stand up for herself. You can’t just let any old hater get you down.”

“I see where you’re going with this hon, and you’re absolutely right,” said Anon as he too left his seat. Circling around to the other side of Cut, he put his hoof on her other shoulder, and the two of them leaned in toward her. “I cannot think of a better place you could work on asserting yourself, than shitting on a bunch of bitter losers.”

‘...You know what?’

‘They’re right!’

‘There’s nothing to be afraid of!’

Sure, Cut would probably hear a lot of horrible things. But... but! She did need to work on not taking those things to heart! After all, she had a successful career, and not one, but two relationships that were looking very bright indeed! Outwardly, by all accounts of maredom, Cut N. Paste was a successful and productive member of society!

That was something that almost certainly could not be said for the ponies of the Board Game Barn. Ponies such as they desperately needed somepony to teach them a lesson.

Cut smiled evilly; an expression Pike and Anon immediately mirrored.

“Let’s do it.”

Chapter 44

View Online

The evening of the tournament had finally come, and the Pike household was filled with the uncommon sound of vigorous scrubbing. But it was a sound that Nocturnal Pike didn't mind in the least. After all, it was the sure sign that Anon was busy doing what he, arguably, did best: giving coats a nice, firm brushing.

Pike and Cut were sharing the tub, while an entranced Anon was giving the two mares a VERY thorough cleansing. Pike had originally intended for only Cut to be on the receiving end of Anon’s five-star treatment this evening, but that was foolish; she should have known that once he got started, it was only a matter of time before he dragged her into the tub as well.

Literally, in this case!

Not that she was complaining, of course, even if the tub was more than a little snug with the both of them.

“Mmmmmm, Pike...” Cut dreamily addressed her, “Not to put a damper on this, but how is this ‘necessary to our winning strategy’ again?”

Seeing as Anon was hard at work on Cut’s fur, Pike allowed herself to sink into the warm suds a little.

‘Ahh, nothing like the serene calm of a well warmed bathtub to plan the psychological downfall of my fellow equines.’

Holding her head up just high enough to speak, Pike replied, “The great Thestral General, Yue Tzu, once said: ‘tennis is a mental game’. She also said, ‘war is a lot like tennis’.” Cut nodded her head, but that might’ve just been because Anon had started undoing a particularly nasty knot in her coat. “And we’re waging war here, Cut. These mares probably haven’t bathed in months, so we’re going to walk in there smelling like soap our coltfriend picked for us.”

Cut let out an “ahhhhh,” which Pike chose to interpret as approval of her tactical genius, and not a sign that she was about to fall asleep under Anon’s ministrations. Even though her posture had fallen completely limp at that point, and her head had come to rest on his shoulder as he rhythmically brushed her...

‘Mmmmmm, now that looks comfortable.’

Sliding herself up just enough to safely prop her head up on the side of the tub, Pike closed her eyes and savored the sensation of warmth seeping into her coat. She might as well rest a bit; she was sure Anon would wake her up on time.

Cut N. Paste was a nervous wreck. As the evening sun settled on the horizon, the howling wind and snow was whipping against her coat, adding to the heightened sense of anxiety she felt. There she stood, right outside the Board Game Barn, preparing to walk herself right into the maw of the beast. Her only comfort in this fight? The weight of the decks in her saddlebags.

Well, that and the two ponies by her side, if she wanted to be undramatic about it.

“Thanks for waking me up by the way,” said Pike, “I was out.”

Anon glanced back at her with a grin. “Don’t thank me! If Cut hadn’t set the alarm clock, the two of you would probably still be in the tub right now!”

Cut felt as Pike approvingly bumped her flank into Cut’s own. Well, thanks to her size, Pike actually bumped her flank into Cut’s gaskin, but it's the thought that counts. “Well done, Miss Prepared!”

The compliment put a little warmth in her chest, which nicely contrasted against the cold outside. “Th-thanks.” For once that stutter wasn’t her stumbling over her words like a fool; that was her teeth chattering!

‘Buck, it's cold! Makes me wish I was back in the tub.’

Honestly, now that they were there, the thought of entering the board game barn at all made Cut wish she was back in the tub. She’d been so gung-ho earlier, but now...

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have set that alarm.’

It was too late for that though. Even with the added insulation of her bra, Cut’s nipples were so cold she felt like they could cut diamonds. If she tried to turn around and head home now, they'd’ probably be rubbed raw by the time she was back. And that was not something she’d like to feel anytime soon. So, it seemed she had no choice.

She was going in.

Putting on a brave face and fighting nearly all of her instincts, the earth pony quit her lollygagging and started a fast trot toward the entrance to the Barn. Anon and Pike matched her pace, and thankfully, before she knew it, Cut had pushed open the door and taken her first steps into the Board Game Barn after a long, long time — only for her perseverance to be rewarded with the most putrid smell violating her nose! It nearly knocked her off her hooves as her semi-confident stride instantly turned into a stumble.

Being first through the door, and after taking a moment to come to terms with the smell, Cut took a look around. The shop looked exactly as she remembered it. It was stylized to fit its namesake: a barn, complete with red and white paint. In fact, the only real difference between it and the average barn is where there would normally be stalls, there were instead shelves upon shelves of board games.

As Cut scanned the room to locate the source of the stench, she was reminded that the place actually had a pretty robust selection. Including a Hyperspace Hyperwars Imperium of Sol titan that she spied inside the glass counter that made up the check-out.

‘I thought those were discontinued ages ago!’

But, none of the merchandise seemed to be the source of that awful stench. Indeed, it seemed to be coming from behind a black curtain at the back of the store.

The annex, where the tournament was actually held.

Perking up an ear, Cut could already hear the sounds of ponies arguing amongst themselves, clearly hoping to weed out some competition early. Mare, the competitors weren’t even in this part of the store, and it still smelled like death. Pike was clearly on the money about their bathing habits.

‘Wait, smells…’

‘OH NO, ANON!’

Spinning around to try and warn him, Cut found she was too late.

The moment Anon stepped through the door, his jovial smile was wiped off his face as it turned green — well, greener than usual. Sputtering, he hacked out a couple of gasping coughs before sticking out his tongue, gagging. “Oh, cough, oh my God!” Face full of disgust, he nearly tripped over his hooves as he scrambled back out the door. As soon as he was out, he jammed his muzzle into the snow, seemingly trying to put a physical barrier between himself and the stench.

Which worried Cut quite a bit. Would he be able to stick this out? If just a sniff did that to him, what would the concentrated stench behind the curtain do? She didn’t want him to spend the evening in agony!

As he held himself face down in the snow though, she caught sight of his horn lighting up. After a few moments, a translucent green bubble appeared around his head, and after a mere moment more, it faded away. Only once it was gone did he finally pull his head out of the snow.

As Anon stepped back into the store, Cut was surprised when he took a deep breath and didn't flinch. “Phew, alright, much better.”

Pike grinned devilishly as she bumped her hip into his thigh. “What’s the matter? That’s the smell of pure, concentrated mare right there! I thought you’d like it!”

He contorted his face in a disgusted grimace and stuck out his tongue once more. “Eck! No thanks. It stinks like if I boiled the two of you in a jar of your own sweat.”

‘Eeew.’

Cut was ashamed to admit that she could do more than imagine how that would smell. That was a dark time in her life.

A very dark time.

“You know, usually this horse gig ain’t so bad,” Anon suddenly said, “but not being able to smell B.O. from two rooms over sounds really nice right about now.”

‘Wha- he’s no whorse! How could he say that about himself!?’

As Cut stared at him in disbelief, Pike gave him a disapproving look. “Anon, you just did that thing where you casually refer to ponies as “horses”. You gotta stop—it makes ponies uncomfortable!” As she spoke, she pointed a hoof at the earth pony. “Just look at poor Cut. She looks like she’s about to blow a gasket!”

‘Of course I’m about to blow a gasket! He just—’

‘Oh, right. Alien.’

‘Wait, does that mean to his species, everypony is a whorse? H-How lewd…’

That’s when Cut realized they were both looking at her expectantly, and that could only mean one thing. “What are you waiting for, Cut?” Anon asked. “Time to get yourself signed up!”

With a nervous swallow, Cut turned toward the counter. She was a little relieved to see that the shopkeep was currently distracted with the register and had probably missed the earlier exchange.

‘Alright, just take a deep breath and then walk up to her. She’ll probably insult you, but that’s okay, that’s why you’re here. You just gotta be ready. You are a successful mare. You can do this. Just walk over to her and—’

There was a tremendous smack, and Cut whinnied as the sound echoed throughout the store. On instinct, the impact on her flanks drove her to charge forward toward the desk, and she was only able to slow herself down by the time she’d reached it. Looking back over her shoulder, Cut saw a guilty looking Anon, his spectral hand still hanging in the air where it connected with her.

Awkwardly swinging the hand around so it was rubbing the back of his neck, he weakly stammered, “S-Sorry, didn’t mean for it to be that hard.”

Cut did not like the feeling this had awakened in her.

Turning back towards the counter, and struggling to keep the blush off her face, Cut unfortunately found that the mare was now giving the three of them her full attention. If she had to bet, it was probably the sound of the smack that jolted her out of her work.

On the upside though, instead of laughing, her jaw seemed to have hit the floor. “Did that stallion just slap you on the flanks?”

‘This is your chance Cut, she’s off guard. Don’t stammer out some half-baked reply, be bold!’

“Y-Yeah, and? H-he likes them.”

‘Oof, not great, but it's a start.’

Surprisingly though, her statement had left the cashier looking pretty downcast. “I wish a stallion would slap my flanks,” she whispered under her breath.

‘Oh! That’s... unexpected.’

Cut really wasn’t sure what to say. Casting a panicked look over her shoulder to Anon and Pike, they just shrugged back at her.

‘Buck.’

Thankfully, while Cut scrambled for a response, the cashier mare seemed rather preoccupied with something.

‘Wait, the way she’s leaning over the counter to look at me, is she checking out my flanks?’

“Her’s aren’t any bigger than mine...”

‘What the buck, she totally is!’

Suddenly, the mare leaned in and started desperately whispering in her ear. “Psst, hey. What’s your secret? How’d you nab a stallion like that?”

‘Oh, she was comparing herself to me to see if she had a chance!’

Cut paused as she thought about the story.

‘Should I really…? No, no, it's okay. Might as well give her a helping hoof and tell her the truth.’

“I uh, got drunk and yelled at his fillyfriend that he deserved a nice mare who wouldn’t take advantage of him. I was way off base, but she was so impressed that they asked me to herd with them.”

“WHAT!?” she shouted, “That actually worked!? Those rat bitches lied to me!” Without sparing a second, she vaulted over the counter and took off toward the front door. “Buck this stupid job, I’m off to get some dick! This nice gal is finishing FIRST tonight!”

Cut attempted to muster up some sort of weak objection, but she was already long gone. Which, by the looks of it, left the counter entirely un-mared.

‘Uh oh, looks like there’s nopony to sign me up for the tournament anymore! Better to just head on out! What a darn shame.’

Before she could follow that mare in making a hasty escape though, Anon and Pike join her on either side.

“Well, that was unexpected,” quipped Anon as he lit his horn, materializing dozens of hands and immediately setting them on digging around behind the counter.

‘Huh.’

Cut had gotten so used to it that she’d forgotten just how much taller Anon was than the average pony. The counter, for example, was clearly designed with mares of Cut’s height in mind. It was just about level with her lower neck, making it easy for her to see anything from that level up, as was intended.

Pike, of course, couldn’t see behind the counter at all.

Anon, however, clearly didn’t even need to lean forward to see the entirety of what was back there. She could hear him pulling open cupboards that she could only barely see the tops of as he searched for... something. After spending a few more awkward minutes listening to the sounds of him carelessly knocking over dozens of things out-of-sight, he finally spoke up.

“You entered this thing before, right, Cut? What’d they give you when you signed up? A paper ticket?”

‘Oh, looks like he’s just going to sign me up himself.’

Cut held back a sigh. “They had these pieces of whiteboard with velcro on the back. They’d write your name on it... and an insult too.”

“Hm, I see,” he said with a nod. After that, it only took him another moment of searching before he pulled one out from under the register with an ‘Aha!’ With a cheshire grin, he presented it to her on the flat of his open hand. “Now we don’t have to pay the bitches!”

‘That is an amazing idea!’

Spotting an abandoned dry erase marker next to the register, Cut grinned and stretched her neck out, wrapping her teeth around it without hesitation.

Just as she was putting marker to board though, Pike spoke up. “Anon! They may be a bunch of creeps, but that doesn’t mean we should steal from them! At least leave some bits on the register or something,” she chided.

Anon rolled his eyes at Pike. “Oh come on! Do these guys really deserve our bits?”

But Pike put her hoof down — literally in this case — when she did a little stomp. “Anon!”

“Fine, fine,” he exhaled with a sigh. “It probably costs what, five bits?” Reaching a hand into his bag, he carelessly tossed five bits onto the register. “There.”

Pike smiled and stretched out her wing to pat him on the back. Due to being on either side of Cut (and due to her small size) it only barely reached. “You did the right thing, Anon,” she said to him. Immediately after that, she leaned in to whisper in Cut’s ear. “See, Cut, as a mare you’ve got to be ready to reign in your stallion’s whimsey whenever it appears. Even if it's fairly marish whimsey.”

One of Anon’s hands proceeded to wiggle its way between the two of them though, and, in an unprecedented move, booped Pike. “Ha ha, very funny,” he said, clearly having overheard. Slowly the piece of whiteboard slid into Cut’s view. “Alright Cut, get your name on this and let’s get in there.”

Glancing at the existing entries, she could tell she was going to need to put an insult on there too, unless she wanted to be singled out. Well, the obvious would be what they put on there last time when she came without one of her expensive bras.

‘Do I really want to go down that road though?’

Taking a brief glance at Anon and Pike, she saw they were both smiling at her, and she could feel their support without them needing to say anything.

‘Alright, I’m gonna do it. And this time, I’m gonna own it!’

“What do you think da~ling, how do I look?”

Nocturnal Pike couldn’t help but chuckle at the bizarre accent Anon was doing. “Snirk, Shut up,” she said, as she gave him a playful poke him in the ribs.

He’d draped Cut’s discarded bra around his withers like a boa scarf, and now he was twirling it like one, too. “I think I look positively dashing!”

‘Pffffft!’

He must have had a lot of run-ins with nobles while he was staying at the castle; there was no other way he’d be able to mimic their inflections so well.

Smiling, Pike nodded towards the back of the store. “Come on, I think they’re about to start!”

Immediately, the hand twirling the bra faded away. “Shit, you’re right!” Turning his attention away from being a faux-fop, Anon and Pike looked out over the tournament annex.

It was more or less what she’d expected: a large open room (also stylized as a barn) populated by a dozen or so tables that had been arranged in a square so they could run multiple games simultaneously. And, surprisingly, at nearly every table was a set of mares, each of them ready to tear the other to pieces. Even from Pike’s side of the room, a million different insults reached her ears.

“I bet a moron like you plays blue control!”

“You really ought to sell your cards, you buckup!”

“I didn’t think mudponies had the faculties to play a complex game like Cyber!”

‘Stars above, they haven’t even started playing yet!’

Looking to the center of the farthest wall, Pike spotted the tournament bracket, full of names and the various accompanying insults. There was only one name and insult on it she cared about, though. Situated at the very bottom right was a board that said “Cut N. Paste: fattest teats in Canterlot.” Pike was very surprised when Cut wrote that on it herself — even more so when she unclasped her bra right then and there. Anon, of course, tried to turn himself invisible by putting it on his head, but when that didn’t work he settled for wearing it like a scarf.

Which had certainly turned some heads when the three of them walked in.

Taking a closer look at the bracket itself though, it looked like if Cut won all of her games, she’d only need to face four ponies before winning. Thank Luna, honestly. Pike was looking forward to making some of these mares’ days worse and all, but she’d only been in there a few minutes and she already felt like she needed another bath.

Returning the earlier gesture, Anon suddenly nudged her in the flank. “Hey, Pike. Check out the wreck she’s up against!”

Looking at the table Pike had seen Cut take a seat at earlier, she bit back a harsh laugh.

‘Okay, if this mare goes for appearance-based insults, Cut should have this easy.’

It seemed the two of them might not need to leave their spot on the wall after all. Pike wanted to just sit with her at the table, but the refs had very explicitly forbidden it. Her table was only one away from the outer edge of the rectangle though, so she was still at least within earshot. That way, if the two of them needed to step in and support her, they could.

Cut was digging through her saddlebags now, likely trying to decide which of her decks to use. It was only a matter of time before the games started.

Pike put a hoof up to her muzzle. “You can do it, Cut! Beat her!”

“Yeah! Kill her!” shouted Anon.

Cut N. Paste wasn’t sure what she was feeling right then.

‘Hmmm, a red/white control deck?’

‘No, no.’

‘Maybe I should go with a blue deck?’

“Having trouble deciding?” asked the voice across from her. Turning her attention from her pack to the mare at the other end of the table, Cut got a good look at her opponent for the first time. “Too many decks? How foolish. A jill of all trades is a master of none.”

The mare in front of her was a unic— no, wait. She was just built like a unicorn. She was actually an earth pony, like Cut, but taller, and much, much thinner. She believed most ponies would call her a “lanklet.” She was dressed in the form-fitting uniform of a MegaCorpo cosplay, which served to not only highlight her skeletal build, but also tipped Cut off toward her playstyle. Looking directly at her face—’oh Celestia this poor mare!’ Her coat is already thinning around her face, which only made it easier to see the terrible acne she had.

‘How does she still have acne? She’s probably as old as me.’

Reaching behind herself, she pulled out a stack of token cards.

‘Okay, black with a ton of tokens? I’m pretty sure I know what she’s running.’

“I meanwhile have mastered my deck!” she shouted as she slammed it on the table. Cut was, admittedly, a little intimidated just then. But now she knew just the deck to use!

“Cut N. Paste! I, Monopoly Money, will utterly destroy you here and now!

Twitchy Gaming was psyched! The tournament was going to start in a few minutes, and her opponent wasn't even here!

‘Looks like I’m getting a free ride to the second bracket, score!’

With the first opponent down, she was one step closer to winning this tournament and restoring her honor!

However, her premature celebration was cut off at the sound of the entrance curtain flapping open. Presuming it was her opponent running late, she lazily rolled her head towards it.

Only for her heart to stop.

Into the room stepped a perfectly white mare, dressed in a billowing black cloak. The hood disguised her identity, but Twitchy still knew who it was the moment she laid her eyes on the mare.

“G-Grandmaster!?”

The moment the word left her mouth, the Grandmaster’s head snapped directly to her. The yellow eyes under the enchanted cloak burning a hole in her soul. Twitchy frantically looked around, hoping against hope that there was another open seat and that she might not be her opponent. But all was lost; there wasn’t a single open seat left in the room.

‘Buck! Buck buck buck buck! This is what you get for not checking the board!’

‘AHHH!’

Twitchy turned her head back toward the Grandmaster, only to find she’d already crossed the room and had taken the seat across from her.

‘How!?’

“Bah,” came an ominous voice from under her hood, “How dare they? Are there truly no worthwhile opponents left here?” Slowly she leaned in toward Twitchy’s face as she began to quake more and more. “I can see it in your eyes,” came the voice dripping with scorn. “You're not even good enough to be called, Third. Rate.”

‘I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! BUCK this tournament, I’m out of here!’

With a thousand years of pony evolution in her hooves, Twitchy leapt from the table and charged toward the door with wild abandon, her prior thoughts of honor forgotten.

In Twitchy’s absence, the Grandmaster simply leaned back in her chair and sighed, not even bothering to watch her go. Had she stuck around though, she would have seen those projected eyes widen in surprise as they fell upon the only stallion in the room.

“Anon...”

Chapter 45

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Sitting across from Cut N. Paste was her first opponent in tonight’s games: Monopoly Money. The wiry mare was cockily eyeing her up, although Cut wasn’t sure where the mare's confidence was coming from. Was she actually good at Cyber? Or did she peg Cut as somepony who’d be easy to drive off through vitriol alone? She supposed she’d have to wait and see.

The ambient noise of the room had quieted considerably, with a set of judges stopping by each table to facilitate a coin toss to decide who goes first. Eventually, one stopped by Cut’s table.

“Alright. You, in the outfit. Heads or tails?”

Monopoly Money smiled with a strangely smug confidence.

‘Why does she look like that over a coin toss?’

“Heads,” Cut’s foe replied.

‘Dang, that’s what I would have picked!’

Wordlessly, the judge telekinetically flipped the coin she’d brought. Cut watched it with bated breath as it tumbled through the air before landing right in front of her.

‘Heads, buck.’

Monopoly’s confident smirk widened. “Heh, looks like I’m first!”

As Cut took a look down at her hoof, she figured she’d be fine. In her hoof was a construct, a program—which Anon said were called ‘sorceries’ in his game—, two regular factories, and a special factory; she had every type of card she needed.

Cut was drawn out of her musings as Monopoly made her move. “I play a single black factory, and end my turn.”

Confused, Cut looked up from her hoof to see she'd done exactly as she'd said. One plain old factory; nothing special. That was rather unexpected. She’d figured Monopoly would summon a construct, at least. Oh well, her loss, Cut supposed.

“In that case, I’ll summon a basic blue factory as well...” Which would give Cut exactly enough production to summon the construct in her hoof! “...and I’ll tap it to summon, Salacious Combat Diver!” She’d never admit it, but that was one of her favorite cards. Sure, it was just a basic two attack, one defense construct, but it only cost one production!

‘And the art is pretty great…‘

‘F-From a purely aesthetic viewpoint! Sure, s-some less than savory mares might only like it because they think an amazonian shark colt in a banana hammock is incredibly hot... b-but I’m above such baser impulses!’

Monopoly scoffed. “Well well, what an incredibly mundane choice! Too bad you can’t attack with constructs you summoned this turn.”

‘Is this some new kind of flame? ’Condescendingly explain rules your opponent already knows’? Seems kinda weird, but hey, might as well give it a shot.’

“Y-Yeah, lucky you! S-since you don’t have a construct to block or... anything.”

‘Okay, that sucked. I’m not trying that again.’

The mare annoyingly chuckled at Cut’s fumble, and drew a card from her deck. “Oh! Would you look at that.” Looking up from her card, Monopoly smirked at Cut. “You know what? You seem like you’re in a tough spot, so I’ll do you a favor.” As she spoke, she put down the rest of her hoof. “I’m going to give you a little hint as to how I’ll beat you. I’ll start by playing THIS!”

With all the flair of a mare who thought her battle was already won, Monopoly placed the card before her—and Cut nearly fell out of her seat. Before her lay a card she’d never believed she’d ever see. Printed on it was what was known as a ‘car’ in the world of Cyber, and it had the straightforward effect of adding four production to one’s production pool. On the surface, it wouldn’t look like anything special to a pony who wasn’t in the know.

But Cut knew.

Oh, she knew, alright. KNEW THAT IT COSTS OVER A THOUSAND BITS!

“THE BLACK LOTUS!?”

Monopoly just laughed. “Oh don’t look so surprised. This deck’s got dozens of them!”

‘What.’

“Heck, I’ve got so many of them that I could line one of the wheels on this ‘car!’”

‘WHAT!?’

In her shock, Cut was leaning so far back in her chair that she was practically making a 125 degree angle with the table!

‘How is that possible? How much money did she spend!?’

Monopoly was practically leering from her side of the table. “I only need five, or maybe six of them to take you out though. Better hope you get those constructs out fast!”

‘Okay. Okay, Cut, this isn’t terrible. Sure, this mare just admitted to blowing thousands of bits to build this Cyber deck, but she also admitted you’ll win if you can kill her faster than she can get those out. And this is an aggro deck; killing is what it's good at.’

“Oh, and I’ll tap it to summon a Corporate Death Stooge,” Monopoly added, almost as an afterthought.

‘Okay, that’s a simple 1/2 construct. She’ll probably use it to block my attack this turn, but at least my combat diver’s two attack means the stooge will die despite it’s two defense. Now to just draw my next card…’

‘Yes! A submariner!’

The card cost three production, but if Cut played that special factory this turn, she’d have enough to summon him. “Then I’ll start my turn playing Offshore Oil Rig, giving me two more blue production!” Placing the card next to the factory she’d already put down, Cut readied to summon her construct.

Monopoly glared at the table. “Hm, another cheap card. I see you spent all your money on that hooker.”

Cut stopped dead in her tracks, her move forgotten. “What did you just say?”

Her opponent laughed callously. “Oh come on. You really think you’re the first one to try that? Every mare here has tried her hoof at the old, ‘hire a whorse to pretend it's your coltfriend’ routine.”

Slamming her hoof—both of cards and her appendage—onto the table, Cut shouted back at her. “AS IF! ANON IS MUCH TOO CLASSY A STALLION FOR THAT!” White hot anger was surging through her veins!

‘How dare she compare my KING to a whorse!?’

If looks could kill, the look Cut was beaming right into her face would’ve vaporized her. And yet, the flankhole had the audacity to smirk back at her. “Though, props for also getting a mare to pretend to be your alpha! That's original.”

‘Ooh this mare is going to GET IT!’

“Most mares would be too proud to do something like that. Then again... you don’t seem to have much to be proud about, do you?”

As Monopoly shifted the verbal target towards Cut, she could feel the flames of her indignation start to fade.

‘No! Remember what she said about Anon and Pike, forget what she says about you! You’ve got to... you’ve got to finish your turn!’

“O-Oh yeah? Well you won’t be so smug you uh, idiot, after I summon th—”

“After you summon? Did you forget who’s turn it was?” Monopoly jeered, cocking an eyebrow as she interrupted her.

‘Huh?’

All of Cut’s prior feelings were washed away in a flood of confusion.

‘Is she really trying to pull something that basic? It's obviously still my tur—’

‘...Oh no.’

Cut’s eyes widened with horror as they fell on Monopoly’s side of the table.

‘When did she put a second Black Lotus out!?’

“When you put your hoof on the table I took that as you ending your turn,” she said with a condescending shrug. “You didn’t even flinch when I drew and played my next Black Lotus.” She briefly glanced at her cards. “But I suppose I’m done with my turn now anyway. You can go.”

‘She’s not even going to use those lotuses to summon a construct!? She’s mocking me!’

‘...in more ways than one.’

As that realization hit home, Cut thought that, for the briefest of moments, she could actually see two counters: the kind they sometimes used in card game mangas. Except these weren’t there to show her life points; instead, they said 'mental points.' And hers had just gone from twenty out of twenty, to fifteen out of twenty.

‘Buck, is this really my mind’s best way of coping with this? Inventing fake card game mechanics just to keep track of my failing resolve?’

It certainly looked like it, as Cut’s internal despair made it tick down another point.

‘Great.’

Shaking her head, Cut made her next play. “I’ll uh, put down a basic green factory.”

‘Come on Cut, you’ve got to gain back some traction.’

‘What would Pike say? ’Luna’s sake, you actually spent money on this crap?’’

‘No, that wouldn’t work, I’ve spent way too much money on this too.’

‘Maybe Anon? ’Bitch, your fuckin’ face is ugly as hell!’’

‘Mmm. Well, might as well try it.’

‘Wait, what are you saying, Cut? You’re (probably) the best Cyber player in this room! This is your domain! You ought to let her have it!’

With her fire rekindled, Cut made her play. “And now I’m going to summon Submariner! That way next turn he can hit you in your s-stupid ugly face!”

‘Yeah! YEAH!’

“Woo, go Cut!” she heard Anon shout from the sidelines.

‘Oh yeah, oh yeah! There’s no way she’s not reeling after that one!’

Grinning triumphantly, she slid her salacious combat diver forward to denote an attack. “Now Salacious Combat Diver! Go forth!” Grinning like a madmare, Cut turned her expectant gaze toward the face of her opponent, who would surely bear a crushed expression of defeat!

...Only to have her hopes dashed by the mare’s thoroughly unimpressed look. “That’s what? Two damage? Yeah I’ll just take that.”

‘She... she’s not even going to bother blocking it? Does she think she’s that far ahead?’

‘Is she that far ahead?’

“Is that all for your turn?” Monopoly asked condescendingly.

Cut cast a desperate look toward her cards, hoping for something, but the only thing she could play was that Program, which wouldn’t do her any good at the moment. Trying to keep her voice strong, she answered. “Yeah...”

‘Celestia damn it, that wasn’t strong at all.’

Drawing a card from her deck, Monopoly smiled as she placed it in front of her.

‘Another Black Lotus!? Arrrrg!’

“You might be right about my face, but with enough cash, any stallion is more than happy to look past it.” Cut had obviously lost any sort of insult momentum she’d had, and judging by the vicious smirk she wore, Monopoly intended to take full advantage of that. “But I don’t know a single stallion who’d actually be able to stomach teats like that, even with my kind of money.”

‘Ouch, right in the foalhood insecurity.’

Almost unconsciously, Cut felt her posture sag while her tail attempted to press itself as close to her butt as possible in order to obscure her teats. It was something that worked quite well, if she was standing.

“I mean, look at them! They’re huge!”

‘Oh, this is bad.’

Nocturnal Pike and Anon had decided to wait before intervening, in order to give Cut a chance to stand on her own four hooves. But listening to her flounder in the face of adversity had Pike deeply reconsidering her whole approach.

Anon, of course, echoed her own thoughts. “We gotta do something, stat!”

Pike grimaced. “Agreed.”

Her mind was reeling, trying to come up with something that could turn the tide. As fun as it would be, she couldn’t just run up and start insulting the mare herself. That’d only make Cut look weak, and put an even bigger target on her back for the rest of the tournament. But she couldn’t just sit idly by…

“They’re completely repulsive!” shouted Cut’s foe.

She really seemed to be digging into Cut over her teats right then, which was expected. Cut was withstanding the blows, but Pike could tell by her slowly drooping posture that it was really getting to her.

‘Hmmm, how can I turn that around?’

Turning her eyes back to Anon, Pike noticed he had a smile slowly creeping up his muzzle. “You come up with something?”

His smile grew. “Oh yeah. Oh-ho-ho yeah!”

Cut N. Paste once again saw her mental life counter before her eyes, and she was watching in horror as it rapidly approached zero.

‘I don’t think I can do this.’

The things Monopoly Money was saying was filling her head with doubt. “Be honest, how much cow is in your family?”

She didn’t even have it in her to protest anymore.

‘Maybe I should just go, and get it over with.’

Cut didn’t want to listen to Monopoly anymore, lest she start believing the things that she was saying were true. That Anon didn’t actually think she was attractive. That he was just being nice to her.

‘It would make more sense though…’

Suddenly, the miasma consuming Cut’s mind was interrupted by a weight on her withers.

It was Anon! He’d leaned himself over the back of her chair — almost like he was mounting her...

‘How l-lewd.’

Leaning his head down next to her ear, he put on an expression that could only be described as obscenely sultry.

Monopoly could only stare in surprise. “Hey, what are you—”

“Cut,” he cut her off, “If you beat this bitch to the curb, when we get home I’ll suck your titties ‘till milk comes out.”

‘Uhhhhhh.’

‘Uh uh uh uh!’

‘Cut is not home right now, please come back later!’

“Eeeeuugh! That’s disgusting!” shouted her opponent. “What the buck is wrong with you!? Why would you say that?!”

Cut knew in her heart that she was right; what Anon said was, strictly speaking, revolting. But something about a stallion saying something so vulgar, so crass, and about her no less, turned Cut’s face bright red.

“What?” Anon retorted, “Never had a stallion approach you for sex before?”

Her face turned a little red too, whether out of anger or shame, Cut couldn’t tell. “No! Stallions don’t do that!”

Anon smirked. “Maybe not to you.”

Just then, Cut saw it. A crack in Monopoly’s defense, as her mental health points dropped to seventeen. She started stammering, “Well, I uh,” before abruptly shouting, “COACHING! MY OPPONENT IS BEING COACHED!”

‘Uh oh!’

That brought Cut back to reality real quick! Coaching was a serious offense, and ponies regularly got ejected from tournaments for it. Even though this tournament was notorious for ignoring rules of conduct, she couldn’t be sure if maybe—

“IGNORED,” came a booming voice from across the room.

All three of them turned their heads to the source: a pony wearing a very fancy hooded cloak with glowing golden eyes.

“Grandmaster?” Monopoly Money asked with a mixture of awe and fear.

“Hey, thanks!” Anon shouted back with a grin. Turning back to Cut, he quickly gave her a peck on the cheek. “We’re rooting for you, babe.” And just like that, he returned to the sidelines with Pike.

‘Phew, talk about dropping in in the nick of time!’

No longer in the spiral of negative thoughts her opponent had shoved her into, Cut felt much more clear headed. She could practically see her mental health points filling back up to twenty!

“It's just an act,” Cut heard Monopoly whisper bitterly under her breath as her mental points dropped a few digits lower to fifteen.

Which gave her an amazing idea!

It seemed that Monopoly claiming that it was “obvious” Anon was hired was just as much a case of her trying to cope as it was an insult. But now, it was much harder to deny what Cut already knew: Anon and Pike DID care about her! And seeing how that little display of affection had already impacted her opponent, Cut knew just what to do! She didn’t need to drum up insults to insult her, she just needed to do what she did to the mare at the front counter: tell the truth. So, with a genuine smile on her face, Cut unleashed her inner dreamy schoolfilly.

“Isn’t he so sweet?” she asked without a hint of mocking or sarcasm. “He fusses over me so much sometimes.”

Monopoly actually growled in anger. “You’re full of it! Did you really th—”

Pressing the advantage, Cut cut her off. “He even insisted I start using this new shampoo. It's a little fruity smelling for my taste, but he just gushed about how great it’d make me smell.”

Cut caught the moment her nostrils flared ever so slightly as she subconsciously took in the scent. Something that made Monopoly grimace. “He’s messing with you. You smell like a stallion now,” she bitterly retorted.

Cut was practically bursting at the seams with smug satisfaction. “Hey, not just ‘a’ stallion! He smells like it too! After all...” She leaned in over the table, getting into her face. “...I-I get to lather him up in it, every night.” Cut’s voice wavered a bit as she pictured herself lathering him up in suds and rubbing them all over his toned flanks...

Okay sure, that’s not the truth; she hadn’t actually done that yet. But it’s not like Monopoly would know that!

Which, indeed, seemed to be the case, judging by the growing expression of shock on her face. Whipping her head towards Anon she shouted, “Hey! You! Get over here and let me smell you!”

Cut didn’t even need to look at Anon to visualize the disgust on his face as she heard him scoff. “Ew, what the fuck? Fuck no!”

Cut could see the desperation in Monopoly's eyes as she went for her bit bag. “I-I’ll pay you! I just need to know if she’s lying!”

He gagged loudly. “I’ll pass.”

His denial seemed to shatter her resolve. The simple fact that some stallions wouldn’t do anything for money seemingly shook her to her core. Cut could practically see her mental points dropping down to ten!

Seeing as she was distracted, Cut took the opportunity to take in the table with a clearer head. It seemed while she was beating her down, Monopoly managed to get another Black Lotus out, which made four. Less than ideal, but Cut could work with that. Especially since she’d managed to summon a second submariner; only one more and she could sacrifice the three of them to pull the Submarine out of her deck and play it. Monopoly had been cockily letting Cut’s constructs live every turn—something that was going to bite her hard, soon. Especially since it was Cut’s turn, and she’d just drawn another submariner!

“Well, if you’re done, I’ll just tap three production and summon another submariner.”

As Cut put the card on the table, she couldn’t help but admire the art on that one too.

‘F-For purely aesthetic reasons of course!’

She could really see every curve of the depicted stallion in his skin-tight wetsuit. The outline of all his finely honed muscles…

‘I-It must have taken quite an artist to paint!’

Looking up from the table, Cut saw Monopoly was glowering at her, teeth gritted in anger. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying. Go ahead. It won’t save you from my deck!”

Cut’s eyes widened a bit in surprise. Did that mean she’d given up on attacking her personally, and was only going to attack her deck?

‘Ahahaha, well she’s in for a rude awakening, then!’

Cut smiled. “Well, if you insist!” Moving the three submariners to exile, she paged through her deck until she found the card she was looking for: The Nuclear Submarine! With eight attack, eight defense, and its special ability ‘Mmmm, Bombs!’ this card was a real powerhouse! And in-lore, staffed exclusively by stallions in skin-tight suits!

‘How lewd…’

Unfortunately, this wasn’t a construct she could attack with after she’d just summoned it, so Cut would have to wait until the next turn. “And I’ll attack with my Salacious Combat Diver!”

Monopoly grumbled, simply taking the damage.

‘Yes!’

Although she was still not on track to kill her before she got her lotuses out.

‘Buck.’

Luckily, a new avenue of victory had just opened up to Cut: psychological victory.

“You done?” Monopoly practically spat. Seeing as she actually couldn’t do anything else, Cut nodded affirmatively. Monopoly wasted no time drawing her next card—the sight of which made her curse under her breath.

‘Yes! Must not be a lotus. Okay, maybe I can beat her in the game after all!’

Monopoly’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll tap one of my lotuses to play ‘Database Search’.”

‘Rats!’

That was a program that let her take three cards off the top of her deck and add one of them to her hoof, while the other two were discarded. And judging by the sheer frequency she’d been drawing lotuses, Cut would bet there’d be at least one among those three cards.

‘Hmmm, maybe I ought to use the program in my hoof.’

It was an ‘instant,’ which meant she could potentially play it, even though it wasn’t her turn. Disruptive Virus: it immediately canceled out any program being played. That would stop Monopoly right there, and potentially buy Cut another turn to hit her. But, something was telling her to wait. Something deeper than her instincts.

‘Is this what Silken called ‘the heart of the cards?’’

Sure, playing it right now would be the safe option, but... BUT! Cut was feeling a little bold. Confident, even! So she decided to hold on to it for the moment. Looking up from the card, it seemed that while she was thinking, Monopoly was able to get another Black Lotus out.

‘Hm, expected. Disappointing, but expected.’

“You’re running out of time, Paste,” Monopoly sneered. “One more and this game is over.”

‘Hmm, she’s right. I need to step up my game. Come on, play it cool.’

Dredging up all the nonchalance she could, Cut spoke. “Y-Yeah, and?”

‘Come on, buy iiiiiiiit...!’

Her heart soared as Monopoly Money sputtered. “What do you mean ‘and’!?”

‘Yes, score!’

“I mean, what’s it matter if I lose?” This was, of course, a lie. Cut wanted to win. She really, REALLY wanted to win. However, it was obvious Monopoly wanted to win too. So what better way to get under her skin than to act like winning didn’t even matter? “It’ll just free up my evening. Let my herd and I get to b-bed faster.”

The mare across from her looked utterly stupefied. “What? Weren’t you listening to your own coltfriend!? He said he’d only buck you if you won!”

‘...’

It started as a simple snicker. But before she knew it, Cut had burst into genuine hysterics. “Oh hahahaha! You think... ehehe, you actually think...!”

‘Oh Celestia, I’m in tears!’

If this kept up, she was going to fall right out of her chair!

“What’s so funny!?” her opponent shouted.

‘This is too much!’

Cut nearly dropped her cards as the spasms of laughter wracked her body. “Hahaha! Oh hooo. Oh you do not know Anon.”

“But I know stallions!” Monopoly cried. “They’ll take any chance they can get to not put out!”

Nocturnal Pike was nearly on the floor. Cut had been put in a similar state, and the combined sounds of their laughter had nearly drowned out every other sound in the room.

“Oh come on,” Anon said while looking mildly miffed, “Am I really that horny?”

‘Oh Luna, don’t say it, don’t say it!’

‘Wait, Anon’s not a natural unicorn, he won’t mind!’

Choking back a giggle, Pike quipped, “I don’t know, Anon, maybe you should check your forehead!”

He was confused for a moment, reaching up a hoof to check his forehead. A hoof which, predictably, bumped into his horn. “Pfffft hahaha! Okay, that was pretty good.”

‘Yes! Lick my clit, equestrian resources! Horn jokes do NOT make unicorns feel "excluded!"’

Pike let herself have another short laugh, before she answered his question for real. “But honestly, you are inequinely horny. For a stallion, at least.” Reaching up, she gave his shoulder a little bop with her hoof. “You would've been an animal during heat season.”

Anon snorted. “Ha! I wouldn’t know. Luna insisted I spend it in the highest room of the tallest tower in order to ‘preserve my innocence,’ or whatever. Weirdo.”

‘Tsk tsk tsk, how ungrateful! And such disrespect to boot!’

Anon had no idea what horrible fate he was spared thanks to Princess Luna’s stalwart devotion to chivalry! And Princess Luna, likewise, had no idea how many guards she probably kept off of maternity leave. Stars, what a logistical nightmare that would have been. It might even have been bad enough to convince the Princesses to finally repeal that dumb policy.

Actually, speaking of royals, that reminded her of something. That white pony who called out earlier, Pike noticed they seemed particularly interested in Anon. They didn’t take their eyes off him for quite awhile, even after Anon left Cut’s side. It made Pike think their interest in him went a touch beyond preserving the rules. And, turning her head towards them, Pike could see that they were already back to looking Anon’s way. She did not like that.

Anon continued on. “Although, I guess I can’t complain too much. You ever been up there? That ‘room’ is like an entire house. It's got a library, a hot tub, and— ”

Poking him in the shin to cut him off, Pike pointed a hoof toward the mysterious pony. “Hey, check the dude in the cloak.”

Following her hoof, Anon saw that pony, still brazenly watching him.

‘Holy Luna, they’re not even going to look away while Anon’s staring right at them? Bold.’

Anon frowned. “Ugh, weird. Probably just an admirer I gue—” He cut himself off mid-sentence as some realization hit him. “Wait, you said “dude.” You think that’s a stallion over there?”

Pike cocked her eyebrow, surprised that that’s what he had chosen to focus on. “Uh, yeah? Look at that get up. It's so... flamboyant and dramatic. And the way that enchantment made his voice boom? No mare would do that.”

Borderline mocking disbelief was written all over Anon’s face as he gestured across the room with his hoof. “Pike, I want you to take a good look around this room. Then look me in the eyes and say that again.”

Pike rolled her eyes at him, but did as he asked nonetheless.

‘Hmmmm.’

As she looked around, nothing immediately struck her as whatever he wanted her to see. The scene was mostly just what Pike had expected:

‘A buncha’ freakin NERDS!’

The room was packed to the walls with over a dozen mares of every tribe. They were all bickering, shouting, and she thought she had caught a glimpse of one crying! But she didn’t need to see that for herself; Pike could have guessed that. Ironically, it was only when she looked back at Cut’s table that she realized what Anon wanted her to see.

‘It's the mare across from Cut! She’s wearing something just as dumb!’

Realizing exactly what she was missing, Pike looked around the room again, this time with fresh eyes. And at least half of them were dressed in things just as ridiculous! Sure, none as overtly bombastic as the ‘grandmaster’s’ attire, but strange nonetheless.

‘How didn’t I notice this before?’

She supposed... maybe she didn’t want to see it.

After appraising the thestral for a moment, Anon leaned in. “Now, can you really tell me that there’s no way that there’s a mare under that hood?”

She really couldn’t. Furthermore, now that Pike was really thinking about it, Cut would’ve been more than happy to cavort around in something like that.

‘Hm, something to think about I suppose.’

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right,” she conceded.

Grabbing Cut’s bra off his head, he doffed it as he smugly lowered himself in an eye level bow with Pike. “Thank you.”

Straightening himself back out and putting the bra back on his head, he cast a brief look over to the pony in question once more. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, eyes trailing the distance between the hooded pony and themselves. Once he seemed confident that the mystery pony was out of earshot though—they were nearly on the other side of the room, after all—, he spoke.

“Although, assuming that’s their actual coat color, you could still be right. Going off their build at least.”

‘Oh!’ Actually, Pike hadn’t even considered that. But the pony was a white coated unicorn, which in Canterlot almost always meant one thing. “You think that’s a noble over there?”

He shrugged. “I think it’s a definite possibility. Cut was saying that some rich bitch was the one bankrolling the tournament.”

Honestly, the more Pike thought about it, the more plausible it seemed. “They do have that tall, lithe build nobles love so much.” Nudging Anon in the leg, she grinned widely. “You’re still taller though!”

That statement made him snort as a few chuckles escaped him. “Oh God, that just reminded me of this dude who always hung around with Celestia. He kept telling me how I needed to work out less, since...” His voice rose in pitch as he did what Pike believed to be a fairly accurate imitation of Blueblood. “...You look like you could be a common Earth Pony! You’ll never catch the eye of a mare of the court, looking like that!”

The impression nearly made her burst out laughing. She could totally see him saying that! “Well, I’m glad you ignored him!”

Anon affectionately bumped her, mirroring the nudge she’d given him. “Me too. I wasn’t interested in ‘mares of the court’ anyway.” He shuddered a bit. “The one time I actually started talking to one, she almost had an aneurysm because I didn’t recognize any of the names on the pedigree she whipped out.”

‘Ha! Sounds like a noble.’

Just as Pike was about to share her story about the time she’d met up with a duke, a shrill sound caught her ear.

“LIAR!”

‘Oooh, it's coming from Cut’s table, and it's not Cut!’

“Hey, speaking of aneurysms,” Pike nodded towards the table. “Check the mare across from Cut.”

Cut N. Paste couldn’t help but smile; she was undoubtedly winning! “It's true! He came up to me at work and asked me out.”

She beamed as Monopoly visibly recoiled in disgust at the word “work.” “Eugh! You’re a wagie!? Just when I thought my respect for you couldn’t go any lower!” She drew her card a while ago but hadn’t played any yet. It may have been the perfect opportunity for a little turnabout!

Trying to keep her cool, Cut stealthily reached for her own deck. “But how’d you get all those lotuses if you don’t have a job?”

Monopoly sneered, turning up her nose and looking away from her.

‘Perfect, now's my chance!’

“Bah, I wouldn’t understand a wagie like you to understand the NEET lifestyle.”

‘Ha! If only she knew.’

Cut really needed to give Aunt Jargon a big thank you hug for pulling her out of that life the next time she saw her. But right now, she could’ve given this mare a hug for giving her turn away! Sliding the top card off the deck, Cut added it to her hoof.

‘She didn’t even notice!’

“Well, I guess being chief editor of a newspaper is pretty far from a NEET.” Placing down another factory, Cut smiled again. “And by the way, I tap four of my factories to use the nuclear sub’s special move!” It cost almost all of her production, but it was worth it. Five damage straight to Monopoly, and three to the constructs on her field! Unless she had a program to block it, of course.

“WHAT!?” Monopoly shouted, “But it's not your turn!”

‘Oh, what did she say earlier?’

Cut shrugged. “You didn’t even flinch when I drew and played my most recent factory, so I thought you were done with your turn.”

She could see the burning anger in her opponent’s eyes as she stared her down. “Why you little...”

‘Hey! I was just copying her bit. The least she could do is be a good sportsmare about that.’

But suddenly, and very unnervingly, Monopoly’s mood did a complete one-eighty. In an instant, all that anger was suddenly replaced with a smile. A smile that left Cut deeply unsettled. “You know what? I’ll just take it!” Sweeping her hoof across her side of the table, she knocked all the constructs she’d played right off the side. “I don’t need these!”

Surprisingly she did the same to her health counter.

“Hey wait—”

“I don’t need this, either!” As it clattered to the ground, Monopoly slammed her hooves on the table. “Are you done, Paste? Cuz now you’ll be DEAD!”

Cut was... feeling a lot less confident in her victory now. Even if the mare’s erratic behavior implied she was close to breaking.

‘What the heck’s she got in her saddlebags?’

Cut sat in confused silence for a moment. “Uhhh, yeah? I guess I’m done...”

‘Better leave the rest of my constructs to block, who knows what this mare is going to do.’

Not even bothering to reach for her deck, Monopoly slammed a card down onto the table. “Then I play this! My sixth and final black lotus!” With all the flare of a madmare, she proceeded to spike all the rest of the cards in her hoof onto the ground. Well, all except for the one she just slammed onto the table.

“Which lets me play this! Blot out the sky!” Tapping all of her black lotuses, she let out an unhinged laugh. “Those six lotuses are worth twenty production, Paste! You know what that means!? This program gives me twenty 2/1 constructs, with flying, and everything on your side of the board DIES!”

‘WHAT!?’

Any worries Cut had were immediately washed away with white hot anger.

‘Who’s this mare trying to fool?!’

“Give me that!” Cut snatched the card off Monopoly's side of the table. She’d used this card before herself, and that was NOT what it did. The summoning part was right, but it didn’t kill all of her constructs too! “Where do you get off pulling such a blatant— ...lie?”

Cut felt a pit form in her stomach. She knew she’d played with this card before. She knew how it worked. So why did it say exactly what Monopoly just said!?

“You’re probably thinking of the version that isn’t a misprint,” Monopoly said, her voice oozing with satisfaction. Plucking the card away from Cut’s face, she laid it back down on her side of the table. “The one that says ‘destroy all non-factory, non-constructs’?”

‘That’s the one. Wow, I’ve never even heard of this misprint.’

‘Hold on, there’s no way this mare bought these on a NEET allowance! Her parents must be more loaded than mine!’

“Any last words before I send you home with your ‘coltfriend’, PASTE!?”

‘Wait, manure! This last push might actually wipe me out!’

Twenty 2/1 constructs was more than enough to kill her in a single turn. Especially if she didn’t have any constructs of her own that could also fly, and therefore block.

‘Buck buck BUCK!’

‘Well, Cut, it was a good run. But apparently even Cyber is pay to win.’

‘This blows. If only I had something that could cancel her program! Like Disruptive Virus or something…’

‘Wait a second.’

‘I have that card!’

“In that case,” Cut said so casually that she even surprised herself, “I’ll tap the last of my production to play ‘Disruptive Virus’. So that goes straight to your junkyard.”

‘Thank you, heart of the cards!’

The mare across from Cut froze shock-still. “Huh?”

Placing it in front of her, Cut tapped it for emphasis. “You know, the card that cancels any program that’s being played, sending it to your junkyard?”

Monopoly continued to remain perfectly still, her face frozen in the triumph she thought she’d had.

“Oh.”

Without warning, the limb she was putting her weight on gave out. Before Cut could even flinch, Monopoly fell toward the ground, her head impacting the table along the way with a loud BANG!

“SWEET CELESTIA!” Cut cried.

“Oh shit!” she heard Anon shout.

Eventually Monopoly landed in a crumpled heap on the carpet, motionless.

“Clear the way!” Cut heard Pike shout moments before she zipped past her. Watching her go, Cut saw her leap right over the table before landing at Monopoly Money’s side. The mare’s eyes were white and unfocused, and Cut thought she spied a little foam leaking from her mouth! Meanwhile, Pike was a flurry of motion as she wasted no time getting to work. Her hooves were all over the still mare, presumably checking her vitals. After rapidly poking and prodding her for a few moments, Pike shouted to the room. “MARE DOWN!”

But no sooner had the words left her mouth than two mares and a stretcher were by Monopoly’s side. Without a word, the mares roughly rolled poor Monopoly onto the stretcher.

“Hey, you shouldn’t—” The two didn’t even acknowledge Pike as they lifted the stretcher and trotted off with Monopoly Money supported between them.

Cut sat there for a few moments in silence as she watched them go, unsure of what to think. She guessed the mare’s entire strategy was building up to that card, and without it, she just fell apart.

Almost literally.

Thankfully the sound of approaching hoofsteps snapped Cut out of her stupor. It was Anon, coming to join Cut and Pike at the table.

“Welp, uhhhh, looks like you kicked her butt!” he said awkwardly.

“Indeed!” The sudden fourth voice made all three of them jump a little. Whipping her head towards the source of it, Cut recognized her as one of the mares who arbitrated the coin toss at the very beginning of the game. She apparently approached them from the other side while Cut was focusing on Anon. “Congratulations, Fattest Teats in Canterlot! You’re going to advance to the next round!”

“Th-Thanks...”

Anon cleared his throat to get the mare’s attention. “Hey, is that Monopoly mare gonna be okay?”

The judge dismissively rolled her eyes. “Of course you’d ask that. This is a mare’s game, colt, that kind of thing happens all the time.”

Both Pike and Anon raised one of their eyebrows and looked at Cut for a second opinion. One which she gladly gave!

“No it doesn’t,” she mouthed.

The judge either didn’t notice or didn’t care and continued. ”You should fuss over your fillyfriend instead. It's only going to get harder for her from here on out.” Without waiting for any kind of acknowledgement from Cut or Anon, the mare started walking away. “Take a break, your next game is in fifteen!”

Chapter 46

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Cut N. Paste was eager for the next game. Her last match had gone incredibly well. One could almost say it went too well, and now a certain giddiness had started to blossom within her. Seeing the look on her opponent’s face after she had perfectly countered her strategy, and watching all that trash that mare had been talking come crashing down on her had felt… good. Really good. So good that for the last ten minutes, Cut had just been standing in front of the tournament bracket, waiting in anticipation to see who she’d be battling next.

‘Anon might just have been right about this! I am better than these mares! I can do this!’

“So, who’s next?” Anon asked in his familiar baritone voice.

Turning to look at the green unicorn beside her to the left, Cut answered with an anticipatory uncertainty. “I don’t know, guess the other match hasn’t finished yet.” Turning back to the board, she made an idle hum. “They’d better hurry up, they’ve only got a few minutes left in the round.”

Pike, who was on the other side of Anon, squinted at the board before speaking up. “Looks like it’ll either be Broken Game or... The Squeaker?” Cut could see her lean out past the stallion to look at her. “Any idea what that means?”

Cut could only shrug. “No clue.”

Anon was looking at the board himself, and he groaned when he caught sight of the name ‘squeaker.’ Looking more closely at him, Cut realized he’d grimaced to an almost exaggerated degree. Something that Pike had apparently noticed as well. “Something you want to share with the class, hon?”

Relaxing his face just a tad, Anon grunted in annoyance. “Let’s just hope that’s not who Cut ends up facing next. God if that nickname means what I think it means, she’ll be super annoying.”

As if on cue, a judge shuffled past the trio to cross out the name ‘Broken Game’ on the bracket.

Anon’s grimace returned in full force. “Aw hell.”

Cut N. Paste couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Awkwardly pulling the chair out from under the competition table, the mare took her seat across from a filly.

A little earth pony filly.

She couldn’t believe it when she first got in view of the table, and she could scarcely believe it now.

‘How is she here?’

‘Where are her parents!?’

No answers were forthcoming, though.

As Cut struggled to comprehend the notion of playing against such a young filly, Anon’s words from when the three of them first laid eyes on her next opponent rang out in her head once more.

‘Alright, babe, this kid’s gonna come at you hard and fast. You better be ready to hit back just as hard.’

Cut did not like how he seemed to be speaking from personal experience.

Attempting to scooch her chair in, she winced as it made an unfortunately loud “eeeeeerk” as it scraped against the store’s tiled floor. Thankfully, the filly seemed too engrossed in poring through her deck to even look up.

‘Buck, I never was good with foals, this is going to suck.’

Putting the impending awkwardness out of her mind, Cut decided she ought to pick out a deck for the match. Popping open her saddlebags, she took stock of the ones she’d brought.

‘Hmmm, maybe my blue/black—’

“You better not even be THINKING of bringing a stupid-ass blue/black deck to face ME,” the filly suddenly said. Cut’s sheer shock at the prepubescent voice sitting across from her nearly knocked her out of her chair.

‘She doesn’t even have her cutie mark and she’s throwing out racial slurs!?’

It was only then that the filly glanced up from her own deck to see Cut’s stunned expression. “Oh my bucking Celestia, you were weren’t you?! Are you bucking stupid?”

‘Seems like Anon was right.’

After Cut stared for a moment longer, the filly started to glare at her. “Just pick your stupid deck already, fatass.”

Cut was thankful that the sheer absurdity of the situation was protecting her from actually feeling any of the filly’s insults. After deciding just to go with the blue/black deck after all, Cut’s curiosity drove her to stutter out, “Wh-where are your parents?”

The filly sneered at her. “They’re at home BUCKING your Dad! Just like what I’m gonna do to that SLUT you brought after I beat you!”

In that instant, something inside Cut changed. “Excuse me?”

Anonymous was simultaneously feeling a deep sense of pride, and a tinge of embarrassment. The game between Cut and ‘The Squeaker’ should’ve been well underway by now, but he was pretty sure neither of them had drawn a single card.

“HEY YOU, TALL GREEN DICK! WHY DON’T YOU GET OVER HERE AND EAT ME OUT? DON’T YOU WANT TO BE WITH A REAL MARE?” he heard the child scream.

An enraged Cut slammed both of her forehooves on the table. “LISTEN HERE YOU SNOT-NOSED BRAT! YOU DON’T TALK TO MY COLTFRIEND LIKE THAT!”

The kid promptly shrieked, “OH YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT YOU FAT SOYMILK COW?” with even greater vitriol.

Anon was honestly glad the conversation had shifted to him so quickly. Who knew if Cut would have been able to withstand it otherwise?

“HOW ABOUT YOU GO HOME AND GET BACK TO FAILING ALGEBRA!”

“SHUT THE BUCK UP! MATH IS HARD! I BET YOU DROPPED OUT!”

Anon could hear as Pike’s hoof impacted her face. “Please tell me I’m hallucinating and Cut isn’t screaming at a middle schooler.”

He could only chuckle. “Ahaha, no can do!”

Nocturnal Pike needed to have a talk with Cut when this was all over. Pike had long admired the ferocity Cut had been willing to defend Anon with, but things were getting a little ridiculous. This was just a filly she was screaming at! A filly! Sure, a terribly behaved filly, but come on! It was just hard to watch at this point.

Looking away from the shouting match, Pike realized with mounting horror that effectively every other game in the building had ground to a halt. All eyes were on Cut as she screamed in abject fury.

The sound of clattering cards brought Pike’s attention back to the mare. It seemed that Cut had taken the filly’s deck and scattered it all over the table. “GREEN/RED? GREEN-BUCKING-RED? THIS COMBO HAS BEEN NERFED INTO THE DIRT SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN!”

In her exasperation, all Pike could do was sigh. Glancing at Anon, she was troubled to find he was somehow getting more into it with each passing shout.

“YEAH! Tell her her parents think she’s a loser!” he cheered.

‘What kind of experiences has he had that he’s cheering this on? He practically looks like he’s watching a boxing match!’

“NOW HIT HER AGAIN!”

‘What the buck, now he’s even talking like it's a boxing match!’

Pike groaned, burying her face in a hoof. It seemed she was going to need to have two long talks later tonight.

The joyous high Anonymous had felt while watching his fillyfriend trash that annoying brat had broken down and given way to a deep, depressing low.

“S-See? I’m cucking you right now!” came the filly’s muffled voice from his side.

Once again, Cut seemed to have done too good of a job fighting back against her opponent. Before they knew it, the filly had broken down in tears. And as the only male in the store, and with absolutely no heed paid to the way he’d goaded Cut throughout their fight, quite literally every head in the store had turned to him, expecting him to comfort the crying child. He’d ignored them at first, but as the shrieking quickly got louder, pleading looks quickly turned into the judges explicitly asking him to do it.

He didn’t know why he’d said yes.

Now she had buried herself in the fuzz of his thicker than average forehoof, shouting at Cut while bawling her eyes out. “I’m the sigma mare here! Me!” It seemed that crying wasn’t going to stop her from belting out insults. Cut had thankfully elected to put herself at the other end of the room to cool off. Anon could tell she felt bad about making the kid cry, but every word the filly spoke visibly threatened to throw her into another fit of rage. “Y-You’re not even a beta mare! Y-you're just a gamma! Or even a delta!"

‘Okay this is getting really annoying.’

“Look honey!” he called to Pike in his most patronizing tone, “She’s making up her own words! Isn’t that cute?”

Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, Anon’s sarcasm was lost on the child. “S-See! hic, He called me cute! Dad couldn’t have left Mom because of me!”

He choked back a sigh as he awkwardly patted the distraught brat on the back.

‘God damn it, where the fuck ARE this kid’s parents!?’

Suddenly, he caught sight of one of the judges approaching him from the corner of his eye.

‘Please be here to relieve me, please be here to relieve me.’

“Thank Celestia you were here to give your paternal touch.” she said to him. “Your daughter has been so well behaved tonight that I knew you’d be the perfect pony for this.”

‘Huh? My daughter?’

‘Wait, does she mean...?’

The corner of his lip started to twist up in a smirk.

‘Oh boy, I love it when this happens!’

“I don’t have a daughter.”

The judge looked confused for a moment before falling into her own unwitting trap. “Then why’s that bat filly—”

“You do not want to finish that sentence,” he heard Pike growl.

Stacked Deck, owner of the Board Game Barn, was reaching the end of her rope. She’d thought that things would finally quiet down when that filly’s parents finally showed up, but the mare who beat her and those two ponies hanging out with her had found themselves with a lot of time to kill. Time they’d decided to spend by pulling up some chairs, sitting behind her, and backseat gaming!

“What about that card she just played?” asked the stallion.

“Ooooh, I wouldn’t have done that,” the fat mare replied.

‘ARRRRRRG!’

They’d been doing this for nearly her entire game! She didn’t even know why that stallion was even here; she knew he was a fake gamer colt. He couldn’t even name every board game when she’d asked him to! All Stacked wanted to do was pwn some n00bs, and she apparently wasn’t even allowed to do that without harassment in her own store!

She had some serious misandrist slurs she was going to drop if this kept up.

“See, she should have played that program just then. But she did the stupid thing and just ate the damage.”

‘That does it!’

“JUDGE!” Stacked shouted to the appropriately named Judge, “Get these yahoos out of my store!”

“And why would she do that?”

The sudden intrusion caused every one of the gathered ponies to jump. Whipping her head around, Stacked realized the Grandmaster herself had somehow approached from her left without a single other pony noticing.

“When the fuck did she get there?” the stallion asked.

Either unbothered or oblivious to the shock her sudden appearance caused, the Grandmaster proceeded to lean in uncomfortably close. All Stacked could see were the enchanted eyes on her mask, but Stacked could somehow still tell the Grandmaster was sneering at her.

“What are you, some kind of bastard?” The sheer aura of the mare was doing wonders to intimidate the shopkeeper. Not to mention the fact she funded 90% of the events her store hosted. “I set up this tournament to have NO rules. But what are you trying to do?”

Stacked didn't answer at first, thinking it was a rhetorical question, but after a few awkward moments it became apparent she was waiting on her. “E-Enforce a rule.”

The Grandmaster ‘mmm hmmm’ed, before immediately turning toward the stallion. Clearly already done with Stacked, she didn’t even glance back her way as she spoke once more. “Need I say more?”

Anonymous the unicorn was still freaking out a little. She had to have teleported, right? There was no other way the “grandmaster” would have been able to appear without anyone noticing, right? But Anon didn’t have time to focus on that; he had more pressing concerns.

It seemed that, after staring down that bitch at the table, the grandmaster had switched to staring down Cut. “Win your games, Paste. Get strong.”

Cut, obviously unsure of what to say, just blinked owlishly at the mare. “Um, sure. Will do.”

Seemingly satisfied, the white mare turned her gaze toward Anon. She looked almost... disappointed? “And I see you still aren’t wearing that make-up I got you.”

‘...Huh?’

Pike and Cut both looked to him for some sort of explanation, but he could only shrug back at them in confusion, before turning back to grandmaster. “I’m... sorry?”

“I’m not mad,” Her magically altered voice nearly cuts him off. “It was only some of the finest imported Saddle Arabian make-up, and it only cost me several hundred bits. I’m not mad you never used it though. Nope.”

‘Okay, what the actual fuck is going on here? This is some major passive aggression this mare is putting out.’

It was so… much, that he could feel himself instinctively leaning back into his chair, trying to put some distance between himself and the mare. Thankfully, his knight in amethyst armor was there to save the day.

“That’s it!” Pike suddenly shouted. With all the speed of a trained thestral, she leapt off her chair and flew right in between Anon and the grandmaster, thankfully cutting off the creepy mare’s view of him. “I’ve seen you eyeballing my colt all night!” Hovering in place, she jabbed the mare right in the chest. “Just who the buck do you think you are? No, better question, who the buck are you?”

Anon just barely caught the mystery mare mutter “you dare,” under her breath before clearing her throat. “Ahem, Well, I certainly never took you for the janefilly type, Sergeant Pike!”

“WHAT?” Anon, Pike, and Cut all shouted simultaneously.

Before the grandmaster could elaborate—or more likely so she wouldn’t have to—, a smoke bomb suddenly went off. All the other ponies in the general vicinity were caught off guard, crying out and descending into pained coughs as the cheap costume-shop smoke filled their lungs and blinding their eyes. After a few moments though, the haze parted just enough for Anon to catch sight of the grandmaster fleeing behind a curtain that had been hung up next to the tournament bracket. He’d previously assumed that was just for decoration, but the fact she was able to disappear behind it meant it must lead somewhere.

“What the, cough cough, buck! What a bucking flankhole!” Pike yelled in between coughs. She turned to Cut, who’d nearly thrown herself out of her chair in an attempt to escape the smoke’s radius. “We ought to teach her a lesson once you get to the top!”

“Oh sweet Celestia, SOMEONE SHUT OFF THE SPRINKLER SYSTEM BEFORE IT GOES OFF!” Anon heard the store owner scream.

“Already did!” came the muffled reply of the grandmaster from behind the curtain.

Chapter 47

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“And as you can see, if I exile this program I can then play this other program to return it to my hoof. After that I’ll tap these two factories to play it again, draining you for another two life...”

Cut N. Paste groaned. It was the first turn, and either this mare got the luckiest first draw ever, or she was a master at sleight of hoof. Cut hadn’t even been able to even play her first card, and her opponent’s combo had already drained her for six life. She hated decks like this, but luckily, the mare’s almost perfectly clean-cut appearance clued her into this kind of no-fun possibility, so she’d brought an equally unfun deck to bear.

‘If only it would be my turn already!’

“And since this card untaps my factory again I think I’ll—”

“Oh, Anon, not here!” That sudden statement stopped both Cut’s and her opponent’s trains of thought in their tracks. It was Pike, and her voice was noticeably huskier.

“But honey,” Anon replied, “what sort of stallion would I be if I didn’t attend to such a luxurious tuft anytime, anywhere?”

‘Oh no.’

Turning her head slowly to look behind her, Cut saw Anon and Pike were trying a new bit to throw her opponent off her game. They were sitting in just the perfect position that any time the opposing mare looked up at her, she wouldn't be able to avoid seeing a sordid scene. That scene? Anon grooming Pike’s tuft in the middle of the store.

Cut’s mouth fell open as Pike cast a salacious glance at their stallion. “Well, if you insist.”

Anon, in an admittedly impressive display of magical prowess, formed one of his hands into a magically constructed tuftbrush and began running it through Pike’s tuft. “My my, how do you keep it so soft?”

Tearing her eyes away from the scene, Cut saw it was already working wonders against her opponent. She’d completely forgotten about her cards, and instead, was taking glances between Pike’s tuft and her own, letting out pained groans of inadequacy all the while. She was completely enthralled by the show, unable to play a single card.

Unfortunately, Cut was too. She felt her head turning, almost unconsciously, back towards her herd, watching as Anon ran that brush through Pike’s decadent fuzz...

‘H-How come he’s the only one who gets to shove his face into it...?’

‘What?! N-NO! Bad dyke thoughts!’

Ripping her head back to the game, Cut realized that if she played her cards fast enough, maybe the dyke thoughts wouldn’t be able to catch up to her! “I play a black factory and a 1/1 Trashy Cyborg!”

Cut’s shout broke the spell on her opponent too. Who, based on the look on her face, may have been in the same boat as Cut. “I play a blue factory and uh, uh, end my turn!” Unfortunately for her, her whole deck was built around taking her time. And she wasn’t.

Reacting as fast as she could, Cut practically tore the top card from her deck.

‘Oh, perfect!’

“I tap my factory to play this Company Mandate that makes all your blue factories black for the rest of the game!”

“BUCK!”

Cut N. Paste was feeling pretty great. That last card had apparently hard countered her last opponent so well that she was forced to give up on the spot!

‘Sucks to be a mono-blllllllllllue!’

As a bonus, she’d beat her so fast that Cut was able to escape her dyke thoughts! No ma’am, lingering desire to shove her face into Pike’s tuft here! Cut is a straight mare! A straight mare who’s in the semifinals! Only one more game and she’d be against the grandmaster in the final match! Something that was only a certainty because the pony the grandmaster was supposed to face in the semi-finals had fled the store in fear. Just like all the previous challengers. But, Cut would cross that bridge once she defeated… Cut squinted hard at the board and did a double take.

‘Xebony Darknessx?’

She stared at the nametag for a moment, before the mare herself took the seat across from Cut. As she did, things became perfectly clear. Sitting before her was a lanky thestral mare, so caked in LARP paint (‘it's NOT makeup!’) and fur dye that the earth pony couldn't even begin to guess what her natural colors were; the mare at the table was an indescribable mish-mash of white, black, and red. Not a moment of color theory or planning went into her look, and it was obvious why:

She was dressed as her own Queendom Hearts OC.

With all the flourish of somepony who’d read too much manga, the thestral practically slammed her deck onto the table face up, proud to show her theme. Based on the fact the card was a black construct that required no less than five black productions, Cut was willing to bet every card in that deck was black.

“As the 15th member of Organization Thirteen,” Xebony shouted, “I will use the power of darkness to defeat you!”

Cut could hear when Anon did a spit take from behind her when he heard ‘Organization Thirteen’. It was an impressive feat, considering she didn’t think he was drinking anything.

‘Hmmm, the best counter to a mono-black deck then is probably a blue/red aggro…’

Suddenly, Cut changed her mind. She wouldn’t just play whatever deck best countered her opponent’s. She didn’t need to.

Reaching into her saddlebag, Cut pulled out the perfect deck. “Everypony knows Dream Drop Distance sucked.” Dramatically slamming her own deck onto the table the same way Xebony did, Cut revealed her deck’s theme: colorless production. “Real Organization Thirteen members use nothingness.”

Xebony gasped. “How dare you! That series was great! I’ll defeat you in the name of Master NoHeart!”

Already anticipating the looks they’d have on their faces, Cut looked over her shoulder at Anon and Pike who’d taken their places behind her. Anon, as she expected, looked like he was only barely holding back his laughter, while Pike’s expression was deeply disturbed.

“Sit this one out, you two. I’ve got this.”

“PATHETIC!” Cut bellowed. “Nothingness! Is! Eternal!”

Anonymous was happy for her, he really was. She’d really gotten into this semi-finals game. From what he could gather, the two of them were completely entrenched roleplaying a Kingdom Hearts game. Truly, it seemed Kingdom Hearts was the autism that transcended all dimensions.

‘How fitting.’

“Wrong! All things begin in darkness!” Shouted the thestral mare wearing a pound of make-up. “And so shall all end! Including your behemoth!”

Anon could hear Pike sigh for the umpteenth time tonight from his side. “I honestly can’t tell if this is better or worse than when she was screaming at the filly.”

He chuckled as he nudged her with his elbow. “Cut her some slack, it's charming!” For some reason, that statement made her roll her eyes. Anon had to voice his indignation. “Hey!”

“You said the same thing about me blearily echolocating the bathroom at five AM,” she retorted.

Anon harrumphed, turning away from her in faux-indignation. “And it was! In fact, I’d have even called it...” Cracking a smile, he glanced back at her while she kept her head toward Cut’s table. “...Cute.”

In a moment, Pike had leapt to her hooves, and was gesticulating wildly. “HEY! My tribe did NOT spend the past several millennia magically honing our senses to hunt monsters at maximum efficiency for you to call it CUTE!”

“I dunnoooo~ooooo!” he playfully replied, “I bet Cut would call it cute too.”

Now it was Pike’s turn to harrumph and playfully look away. “As if! She understands the sis code! She’d never!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

As Xebony cried out in despair, Cut N. Paste smiled like a madmare; she’d just stuck the killing blow! Standing up on her chair, she threw a hoof towards her opponent and cried out in triumph. “YES! Without anything to block my flying golems, your life points drop to ZERO!”

With a commitment to the bit that even impressed Cut, the thestral mare threw herself out of her chair and onto the floor with a painful thud. Once on the ground, she posed dramatically. Putting one hoof over her heart, she desperately reached the other out in front of her. “Impossible! Queendom Hearts, fill me with the power of darkness!” she exclaimed with all the finality of a dying mare. Holding the pose for just a moment more, she then fell limp with a “bleh.”

Almost simultaneously, Cut felt the adrenaline leave her body, and she limply fell back onto her chair. Now that it was gone, she realized she’d been panting!

‘Mare, that was intense.’

Cut was honestly a little surprised that she’d won that. Colorless decks were really hard to run. But, she’d done it! All on her own, without Pike or Anon helping out!

Speaking of, the feeling of Anon’s hoof on her shoulder informed Cut they’d left their seats to join her side. “Bravo, bravo!” Anon said as he came into view, grinning widely. “I wish I brought my camera.”

Despite herself, Cut blushed with pride (and a bit of embarrassment). Normally, letting a coltfriend see a mare act out a Queendom Hearts RP through a card game would be unthinkable. But since Anon was her coltfriend...

“See, we told you you could do it!” Pike chimed in as she came around to Cut’s other side. Giving her a playful punch in the shoulder and a smile, Pike continued. “That was the semifinals too. So she wasn’t going easy on you!”

With a surprise boop, Anon pulled Cut’s attention back to him. “Don’t think you’re getting out of showing me all that scott-free though. I am absolutely going to make you do a Kingdom Hearts sex RP one of these nights and I will be laughing my flanks off the entire time.”

Cut could feel her pupils turning into hearts.

‘What could I have possibly done to deserve this colt?’

“As long as you’re Karl and I get to be Sukai.” Cut declared. “Oh! And-and Pike can be Rikku!”

She could hear Pike groan. “I’ll sit that one out. Thank you very much.”

Her reaction elicited a smile like Discord himself from Anon. “You sure, hon? Don’t you want to rave about the power of darkness while I ‘battle’ you with my ‘keyblade’?”

Cut turned back toward Pike, trying to gauge her reaction. What started as a steadfast frown, slowly turned around at the thought of trying to ‘conquer’ the two of them with ‘darkness.’ “Okay, maybe.”

“Yes!” Cut quietly cheered.

A sudden fourth voice interrupted them. “If you three are quite done discussing your freaky sex plans...” Almost in sync, the three of them swiveled their heads toward the source. It was one of the judges, who’d approached while all of them were distracted. “...then the Grandmaster awaits you in her chambers.” The mare gestured with her hoof toward the curtain, which suddenly seemed so much more imposing and imperious than it had before.

Cut swallowed nervously.

This mare, the grandmaster, had managed to terrify this whole room of flankholes enough for every one of them to run in fear at the mere thought of playing against her. What did she do? Sure, Cut had been doing great so far, but could she really measure up to that?

While these questions consumed Cut, they certainly didn’t seem to be bothering her companions.

“Fuck yeah, I’m still mad about that smoke bomb from earlier. Let’s kill this cunt!”

“Anon you can’t say that!”

Chapter 48

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As Cut N. Paste and her herdmates stepped past the curtain leading to the grandmaster, she swallowed heavily, with a heart full of fear.

It was an honest to Celestia throne room.

Whatever the room’s function had been before, it has been totally converted for its new purpose. The lights that were once built into the ceiling had been completely torn out, leaving a row of novelty crystal torches lining the wall as the room’s only source of light. It gave the place a dim, dungeon-like ambiance that would’ve been really cool if not for the fact it belonged to a madmare. The center of the room itself was taken up by a massive game table that Cut was almost positive that no mare in the building could move, even if they worked together. It was thick, wooden, and covered in ornate carvings of unicorns playing cards.

‘How rich is this mare? That thing must have cost a fortune!’

Speaking of mares with fortunes, the grandmaster, no, the Grandmaster herself was seated on a beautiful throne that’d been given its own raised platform. Like the table, it was made of solid wood, inlaid with gold trimming that made a beautiful pattern that reminded Cut of the pattern that was printed along the edges of old Cyber cards.

‘Dang, I wish I had that kind of money!’

“Welcome! Welcome, Cut N. Paste!” the Grandmaster’s voice suddenly rang out. Stepping off her throne, she strutted down the steps to the floor and began approaching the three of them. “I had hoped you’d be the one to take my challenge tonight.” A white hoof suddenly jutted out from under her flowing robe, gesturing to the game table. “I hope you’re prepared. For tonight you shall face a master in the game my ancestors have been dominating since—”

Suddenly, the Grandmaster’s monologue was cut off by the sound of the curtain fluttering open, accompanied by a familiar voice. “Honey? Sorry I’m late, but I picked up some of those cookies you really like as an apology.”

Almost as one, Cut, Pike, and Anon all turned to look at the newcomer. Awkwardly standing halfway through the curtain with a tupperware container on her back was none other than the most recent addition to Pike’s squad, Rook. “Oh! Uh, hi, Sarge! Didn’t expect to see you here.”

Pike stood there in confusion for a moment, before something seemed to click. “Wait a second, if you’re calling this grandmaster ‘honey’ that means...” Her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates before she suddenly whipped around, pointing an accusatory hoof at the cloaked mare. “YOU’RE PRINCE BLUEBLOOD!?”

Cut’s jaw just about hit the floor. “WHAT!?”

“YOU!?” Anonymous the unicorn shouted, scarcely able to believe what he’d just heard.

No, in fact, he couldn’t believe it. The “mare” who’d been running everyone who came to this tournament ragged, was actually Blueblood!? That’s—

Actually, now that he thought about it, that would be completely on-brand for him.

Also completely on-brand for Blueblood was the reaction the grandmaster had toward Rook’s intrusion. “Baaaaaaaaaaabe!” his familiar, whiny voice rang out. Lighting what Anon was now certain was HIS horn, the grandmaster tossed aside his cloak in one swift motion, revealing himself to truly be none other than the nephew of Princess Celestia, Prince Blueblood. “You ruined my dramatic reveaaaaaaaal!”

‘Wow, talk about a blast from the past.’

Before Anon could even blink, Rook had crossed the room to be by his side. “Aw, geez, I’m sorry dear. I just didn’t expect somepony else to actually be back here this time.”

Blueblood’s horn was soon surrounded by a golden glow, one that rapidly spread to the tupperware’s lid. “It's fine, it's fine,” he said, “Just let me have one of those cookies.” A similarly glowing cookie shot out of the container, stopping just close enough to his face that he easily took a bite. “But only let me have one,” he mumbled through a mouthful. “I don’t want to ruin my princely figure!”

The living cliche made Anon roll his eyes.

‘Jesus, no wonder I never wanted to hang out with him.’

Still, he felt compelled to greet the stallion. “Blueblood. Long time no see.”

The white stallion held up a hoof, probably intending to indicate for him to wait until he’d finished with his treat. Upon scarfing the final bite down, he pulled out an honest-to-God embroidered silk handkerchief to wipe any errant crumbs off his mouth.

‘Pompous doesn’t even cut it, fuckin’ hell.’

As soon as that handkerchief was put away, however, Blueblood’s attitude did a complete 180. “I’ll say!” he shouted. “You only came to Marg Monday ONCE!”

The accusation in his tone caught Anon off guard. He hadn’t even expected Blueblood to remember inviting him, period, much less routinely. “Well the one time I went, you all wouldn’t stop giving me that freaky ‘advice!’”

‘Hm, that sounded a little more defensive than I had meant it to.’

Blueblood, meanwhile, looked downright aghast. “Freaky!?”

Anon grimaced, as he began to recall that day. It was all coming back to him. It probably made for one of the top ten, most uncomfortable times in his life. Without even realizing it, he’d slipped into his mocking noble impression as he recounted some of the highlights for the gathered ponies. “‘Oh why don’t you put on a little eyeliner!’ ‘Oh, here’s the crash dieting plan I use, mares would pay a lot more attention to you if you lost some of that muscle mass.’ ‘You really ought to let my stylist put some highlights in your flank fur, it would make your cutie mark pop!’”

By the time he was done, Pike was in hysterics, and Cut looked like she wasn’t far behind. Rook was, admittedly, not far behind either, but she was trying a lot harder to hide it than Cut was. Smart move, considering Blueblood did not look like he appreciated that.

He loudly harrumphed, before retorting. “Well, everything we said was true.”

‘Ha! Obviously not!’

As far as Anon was concerned, and last he checked, he was doing just fine without dyeing his flank! Before he could make that point himself though, Blueblood softened his expression as he beat Anon to the punch. “But, you do seem to be getting along just fine without our tips.”

“I don’t know, hun,” Pike coyly cut in, “I certainly wouldn’t mind some highlights on that flank of yours. Maybe some purple stripes to match those socks?”

“See!” Blueblood shouted in triumph, “Even your mare agrees!”

Anon rolled his eyes. “Gee honey, thanks for encouraging him.”

Suddenly, Cut’s voice cut through the room, bringing all conversation to a half. “Wait, PRINCE BLUEBLOOD PLAYS CYBER!?” she shouted, the shock of the revelation apparently needing that long to catch up with her. Galloping up to the noble stallion, she jabbed her hoof right in his face. “YOU PLAY CYBER!?”

Blueblood glanced at her hoof and grimaced. “By my Aunt, you had such nicely pedicured hooves and you CHEWED on them!?” With surprising force, he batted her hoof away.

“I-I’ve been doing better,” she weakly protested while self-consciously tucking the hoof against her chest.

The stallion ignored her, and indignantly cried out his retort. ”Of course I play Cyber! Before it was a card game for loser mares, it was an ancient means for noble stallions to hold battles of wits! While the mares performed magic duels and other boorish things, we had great contests and battles of will!”

‘Wait, so Cyber was originally a colt’s game!?’

Anon would’ve paid anything to see the reactions of those mares out in the main room if they’d heard that.

Prince Blueblood continued prattling on. “While you were still learning to spell your name, I was being trained to conduct tournaments! As is the duty of a stallion born of my noble house! ”

Cut’s eyebrows knit together. “Cyber was only released a few years ago...”

“To the common pony, perhaps!” he spat. Despite Cut, and everypony else for that matter, still very obviously having questions, Blueblood had clearly decided the matter was concluded. Without another word he turned away from Cut and pranced his way over to the fancy table.

Cut N. Paste had been left a little stunned. Cyber was a game for unicorn nobles!? Unicorn noble STALLIONS!?

‘HOW HAD I NEVER HEARD THIS BEFORE!?’

‘To think my favorite card game was originally a powerful means for noblestallions to settle claims without violence…’

‘...Nah, that’s probably just a whimsical exaggeration.’

What was much more likely was that it was something the mares gave to their husbands to keep them distracted while the real work was done, if anything. Which, considering it was still her favorite game, sure made Cut feel a little emaresculated. But, really, who cares? Knowing that didn’t really change anything about the game, or how much she enjoyed it.

‘...wow, Pike’s right! This is making me more confident! That would not have been my reaction a few months ago!’

Blueblood, meanwhile, had stopped his prancing by the table’s side. The Prince began gingerly, almost lovingly, tracing his hoof around one of the ornate carvings of a unicorn. “This table has served my family in those battles for generations. Ah, the victories it has seen...” He sighs wistfully, a dreamy look in his eyes. “The Conquest of Dream Valley, the Recapturing of Phillydelphia, even the Blitzkrieg of the Rhineland—”

“Hold up,” Anon’s alarmed voice interjected, “What the FUCK was that last one?”

“—all of these great victories were won on this very table,” Blueblood continued, ignoring Anon. He stopped running his hoof along the carving, only to throw himself onto it like he was diving into the hooves of his lover. “And I’ve been letting it LANGUISH in here without a single duel to be conducted on it!”

‘Well, that doesn’t make any sense! This tournament’s been running for what, a couple years now? If he’s the noble financing this whole thing, wouldn’t he have oodles of opponents to face?’

Oh well, best not to question it. Cut knew all too well how stallions got when she interrupted them while they were trying to be all dramatic. “Hasn’t this tournament been running for years?”

‘...’

‘Mouth, buck you.’

Thankfully, Blueblood didn’t fly a rage when she questioned him. Instead, he moaned as if he was in pain and covered his eyes. “It’s true!” he cried. “I created this tournament to find the brightest Cyber strategists in Canterlot! Free of the “rules” and “regulations” those PHILISTINES put in place when they localized my beloved game!” Letting his hooves fall away, Cut saw the most exasperated pony she’d ever laid eyes on. “And all I got were a bunch of yearlings too afraid to even be at the same table as me.” As he let his head fall against the table, all of the gathered mares were wise enough not to speak up.

But Anon on the other hoof… “So what was with the stupid get up then if you weren’t trying to psych ponies out?”

Blueblood lazily rolled his head so that he could make eye contact with Anon. “Come now, Anonymous, could you imagine the scandal if I was seen amongst the ponies outside that curtain?” The prince violently shuddered. “Eeeeeug, awful.”

Just barely out of the corner of her eye, Cut caught Pike rolling her own. She said nothing out loud, but Cut could tell exactly what she was thinking.

‘Stallions.’

Blueblood, meanwhile, remained in total ignorance of Pike’s silent mockery as he climbed off the table. “But enough about my disappointment.” He practically cantered over to one of the two ornate seats at the table, letting his fillyfriend pull it out before he sat down. “Let’s start the game shall we?”

Chapter 49

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“The game will be a 40 card draft,” Blueblood declared.

“Woah! Is this the new expansion!?” Cut gleefully questioned, sounding rather awestruck. “It doesn’t even come out for a few more months!”

“Yes, and I wouldn’t hold your breath for it,” Blueblood replied, wearing a slight frown. “I’m not a fan.”

Nocturnal Pike, meanwhile, was completely lost. Just when she thought she had a handle on how these nerds operated, they went and completely changed the game on her. Instead of sitting down and pulling out their decks, like they’d done every other time, Blueblood had just pulled out a few sealed packs. They looked like the same kind of little foil packs that game stores kept near the checkout counters.

‘Guess they need to make their decks on the spot or something?’

‘Ah, who knows, and more importantly who cares?’

There was a much more pressing issue on Pike’s mind. That being, how in Equestria was Cut not freaking out!? Prince Blueblood, the most colty colt for probably a thousand miles and Prince of Equestria, had just told her that one of her favorite pastimes was made for colts to play while the mares were out doing the real work! If he’d told Pike that, she’d be freaking out!

‘Stars above, no wonder this whole night has felt so jam-packed with whimsy. This game was designed with whimsy in mind!’

‘...should I stop this? Pull Cut out?’

Pike was feeling more than a little torn. Sure, this tournament seemed to be accomplishing the short-term goal of helping Cut’s confidence, but would it end up damaging the long-term goal of increasing her mareliness? Pike knew what her mom would say, at least. She would’ve slapped the cards out of Cut’s hooves. Heck, she probably would've done that even before Blueblood’s bombshell! But Pike had been trying so hard to coax out that fire she’d seen when she first met Cut, and tonight had been bringing it out in spades!

‘How can that be? Shouldn’t marely things be what brings out her fire? Her confidence?’

It would’ve been one thing if Cut was the only one enjoying herself, but Pike had been having fun, too.

‘So what should I do?’

“Alright,” Cut’s voice cut through Pike’s thoughts. “We take one card and then pass the pack right?”

This was more intense than Cut N. Paste had expected it to be. The Prince must’ve really wanted a test of her skills if he was insisting on a draft game. Nothing showed Cyber mastery like being able to build a winning deck on the spot!

“Yes,” the Prince replied. “On the count of three, we open our packs and get started.”

Looking down at the booster pack in her hooves, Cut felt a little sweat begin to gather on her brow. This expansion wasn’t even on the market yet; she had no idea what to expect when she opened the pack in her hooves. As Blueblood began counting, she steadied her breath.

“One, two, three!”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Cut tore into the booster pack and gazed at the cards within. Her eyes were immediately drawn to a green card with an extremely well-muscled colt on it.

‘Kinda reminds me of Anon…’

Quickly fanning through the rest of the cards, it seemed this set’s theme was “genetic modification” — which meant there were a LOT of hunky, buff stallions.

‘G-Gee, is it hot in here or is it just me?’

Lost in indecision, Cut noticed a stack of cards drifting in from the corner of her eye. It was Blueblood putting his pack next to her. He must have picked his card already.

‘Oooooh, better hurry up, Cut!’

She began rapidly glancing over the cards, and soon realized she’d been so caught up in the art that she’d forgotten to check any of their stats!

‘Aw jeez, and Blueblood’s waiting on me too! Better just pick the card that looks like Anon.’

It was only the first draw of the first pack, if it turned out not to be good, it was no big deal. She could make up for it, easy! Passing the rest of the cards on to Blueblood, she took hold of the stack he passed to her.

‘Hmmm, what to pick…’

“And thus ends the draft!” Blueblood declared, and what he said was true. The Prince and Cut N. Paste had passed their first packs back and forth until not a single card was left, and then did the same for their second packs. Cut had been kind of worried at first, but once she had a feel for the set and a good rhythm going, she felt more confident in her choices. Now the two of them just had to make their decks and the battle could begin.

Blueblood had already started poring over his cards, so there was no reason for Cut not to do the same. Neatly laying her cards out in front of her in several rows, and knowing Blueblood was too honorable to look at them, she began assessing her options.

‘...’

‘Uh oh.’

It seemed in her zen-like state, Cut had unwittingly allowed something a bit more primal in her brain to take over. Because all of her cards seemed to have… really good art. Really, really, REALLY good art.

‘D-did someone turn up the heat?’

“Woah, look, it's me!” came Anon’s voice, prompting Cut to shift her eyes to the right. It seemed that while Cut was taking in her cards, Anon and Pike had come to stand by her side.

“Wow, they are you,” Pike said, grabbing a card off the table and looking it over.

Definitely not embarrassed, and certainly not in a panic, Cut immediately threw her hooves onto the table and sloppily dragged all of her once neatly laid out cards into a big pile. She was definitely not embarrassed by the deck she’d built, no ma’am.

“P-Pretty crazy coincidence, huh?” Cut stammered, chuckling unconvincingly.

“I’m not sure about that,” Anon’s honeyed voice chimed in. “I saw those other cards, babe, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say you have a type.”

The earth pony hunched further over her pile of cards at Anon’s slanderous accusation. “I just uh... I just like the art on these cards is all!”

Pike’s positively devious, fanged grin slid into view. “Oh sis, I am right there with you.” Pike let the card she was holding fall onto the pile, and Cut got an eyeful of exactly what she was talking about. Front and center on the card was nothing less than a wild stallion, perched in a jungle tree and garbed in a combat harness Cut would call nothing short of ‘slutty’.

‘‘Dripping Commando’ indeed…’

“Such good taste!” Pike continued. “Check the fetlocks on him.” At that, she switched her attention to Anon. “You should grow ‘em out like that, hun.”

Despite herself, Cut’s mind immediately leapt into the gutter.

‘Mmm, they are quite unshorn, aren’t they?’

Cut glanced up nervously and caught Anon as he cocked an eyebrow. “Really? Think I’d look good with the shaggy look?”

‘Do not imagine it Cut! Stop fantasizing right now! If you wink on the Prince’s chair you might actually get sent to the dungeon!’

Pike grinned devilishly. “Cut certainly seems to think s—”

“Are you two quite done?” Like the Princess herself coming down from the sky, Blueblood’s voice saved Cut from certain embarrassment. He was a metaphorical bucket of ice water, instantly killing the mood her herdmates had been building. She wouldn’t even call it unjustified; seeing that from the outside was probably extremely uncomfortable. ”You’re delaying our mighty battle!” He declared, gesturing to his own, seemingly completed deck.

“Great,” Cut heard Anon mutter under his breath, “Of course the aryan pony is a fun nazi.”

Looking down to her haphazard stack, Cut considered her options. She could either pick through them to separate a few out, or just play with all of them. Well, seeing as the Prince had already made his deck, she saw no reason to keep him waiting. Sliding her haphazard pile of cards around until it eventually was formed into a deck, Cut took a deep breath.

“Alright, I’m ready.”

For the first time in so long, Prince Blueblood, Cyber Grandmaster was finally being presented with a title match!

A match that hadn’t quite gone like he’d expected it to.

“I summon... a-another Enhanced Mercenary!” That was his opponent’s fifth consecutive construct, representing four out of the five colors, too. It was quite the eclectic style, but he supposed a skilled pony could make a multi-colored deck work. Sure, he’d never actually seen it happen, but Blueblood had wanted this tournament to surprise him.

And if nothing else, her construct choice had certainly surprised him.

She had taken more than one Enhanced Mercenary, but left him all of the Ape Sidekicks? Those cards were practically made to go together! But despite that, he’d ended up with all of them. Not because he’d particularly wanted them, but because she left them in rotation so long he ended up taking them just to take cards. And one of the other constructs on her field paired fantastically with a program she practically let him have!

‘Mmm, maybe springing this never-before-seen expansion on her was a bad idea…’

Cut N. Paste was in deep trouble now. She’d been playing this game far faster and far looser than she would have liked, searching urgently for the synergy in these cards. She knew it had to be there, there was no way she would’ve built a deck just based on cards she thought were ho—based on cards she thought had such good art, that is. For now, it seemed her only available strategy was to vomit out constructs. Which was becoming increasingly hard, considering that she had apparently lacked the mental faculties to at least stick to one color! Or even TWO! She nearly slammed her head into the table in frustration.

‘This freaking deck is all over the place!’

Dimly, she become aware of the fact that Blueblood had just ended his turn. Another great setup for a damage combo, no doubt, while Cut was stuck throwing constructs at him. Reaching out to draw her next card, she sent up a silent prayer that it would be something she could actually use. With bated breath, she turned it face up…

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s another useless, but good looking, construct.’

She played it, of course; no reason not to when she had the production. As she laid the card on the board, however, Blueblood scrunched his face so deeply that Cut couldn’t help but feel like she’d made a horrible mistake. “Ms. Paste,” he began with no small amount of disgust, “did you hornybuild this deck?”

‘Wha—’

‘No I—’

‘I just—’

At that moment, Cut mentally threw up her hooves and sighed. Who was she kidding? It was time to be honest with herself. She’d let her clit do the thinking, and now she’d not only thrown the game, but she was also about to make an absolute flank of herself in front of the Prince, too. THE PRINCE!

‘Oooooh this is terrible! This is the WORST!

‘How could I do this to myself? First he’s gonna call me a creep, then he’s gonna tell EVERY stallion in Canterlot! Everypony knows he’s the biggest gossip on the mountain! Then my reputation will be ruined! No stallion will ever even SPEAK to me! AND—!’

‘...and?’

For once, no external forces interrupted Cut’s doom spiral to bring it to a halt; it simply stopped on its own, hanging on that simple question.

‘And?’

‘So what if he goes and tells every stallion he knows? Even if I didn’t have Anon, this is still Blueblood we’re talking about. Would I really want to talk to a stallion that takes what Blueblood says at face value? Buck no! So for that matter... Why do I even care what he thinks about me, to begin with?’

Prince Blueblood was profoundly disappointed. It seems he’d overestimated his opponent, and by extension, Anonymous’ taste in mares. Her silence in the face of his question all but confirmed his worst fears. To think she’d throw away the tournament by doing something as base as thinking with her clit! THIS is why Cyber was always meant to be a stallion’s game! Dejectedly, he began to wonder if maybe it was time to admit that this fiasco of a tournament was a failure, and go back to bugging the other noblestallions to play.

His attention had already started to wander, so Blueblood only barely caught sight of his opponent putting down her cards. And it seemed she was putting them down... face up? Once again giving the mare his full attention, he found that he hadn’t been seeing things. The cards she once held were lying on the table, face up. This was typically a sign of surrender, but the determined look on her face told him that he might be in for something quite different.

“You’re right, Blueblood,” she said, “I do want to buck these cards.”

Well, that was unexpected. He didn’t think she’d just up and admit to it like that. He supposed he could at least give her credit for owning up to it. “Would you like to do a redra—”

“But that’s okay!”

‘HEY! She can’t cut me off! Doesn’t she know who she’s talking to!?’

But before the stallion could properly get himself fussy over it, she slammed her forehooves on the table, rising to stand in her chair. An act that, coming from an earth pony mare of her size, was more than a little intimidating.

“In fact, I want to buck most of my cards!”

With wild abandon, she threw open the saddlebags she’d set by the chair and pulled out a deck. Whipping it onto the table, the box broke open, scattering the cards all around the left side of the table. The sight of them made Blueblood roll his eyes.

‘Ugh, submariners.’

The earth pony mare continued, impassioned. “Could you imagine how good Anon would look in a skintight wetsuit? How about with unshorn fetlocks spilling out of the cuffs?! Can you even comprehend how hot that’d be!?”

“Not particularly,” Blueblood said, frowning.

“So, yeah,” she continued on, undeterred. “If wanting to buck these stallions drawn to be hot makes me a creep in your eyes, so what? I’ve got a coltfriend! I’ve got a great job! I don’t need the validation of somepony I’ll never see again!”

‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this.’

“But most of all, I...”

‘Oh no, she’s started building up to something!’

“I’m...”

‘Should I run!? Take cover!?’

She was practically trembling on her hooves. “I’M...!”

“Oh Auntie, please protect me!” he whimpered.

“I’M going to attack with the Slutty Commando, and since he has reach that deals an immediate three damage,” she declared. “Then the ability of the Coochie Killing Clone allows me to flash and flicker him which lets him deal another three damage for the cost of one production. Since, technically, two of the same kind unit dealt damage this turn I can activate the Vat Grown Horror Husbando’s genomorph ability which lets me search through my deck and add five constructs of my choice to my hoof.”

‘Wait, what? Hold on here!’

Before Blueblood could even process what her move was, she’d already pulled five more cards out of her deck. “Because this construct is late for work, I can play him even though I’m in attack phase...”

Nocturnal Pike was over the moon. It seemed her lessons had gotten through to her herdmate after all! In one fell swoop, Cut not only shook off a level of embarrassment so bad that most mares would have run for the hills, she’d also completely turned the game around! Pike was worried she’d wuss out there for a bit, but in the end, she owned it like a true trixie.

“Both these soldiers can attack even though I’ve just played them, so that’s another six damage.”

Cut had been going at it for fifteen minutes! Blueblood put up some paltry resistance at first, but now he looked well and truly defeated. It seemed a major part of her strategy was repeatedly bringing her opponent to the edge of defeat, only to heal them back up. Well, either that or Cut happened to be feeling sadistic. Either way, it had long since knocked the resistance out of the poor prince.

“Oh and the lifesteal they’ve got brings my health total up to 79. Next, I’ll—”

“THAT’S IT!” cried Blueblood in desperation, “I SURRENDER! NO MORE!”

Cut looked almost disappointed. “Aw, but I still had to play my Spandex—”

“NO MORE SPANDEX! NO MORE SKIMPY OUTFITS!” He shouted, throwing his cards into the air. “I YIELD!” Rookie was next to him in a moment, and he threw himself onto her, babbling hysterically into her fur about how he never wanted to see lingerie ever again.

Cut, meanwhile, seemed to have been stunned. “Wait, that means... I won?”

“I WON!” Cut shouted, pure elation on her face.

Anonymous, meanwhile, was HYPE! She actually won! His big titted babe actually won!

“Way to go!” he cheered.

Cut immediately turned to Anon, and with a beaming smile on her face... jumped off the fucking chair!

‘OH SHIT!’

Though caught off guard, he quickly braced his hooves for impact and summoned his hands, successfully cushioning her collision with him just enough to not lose his balance. That wasn’t the most surprising thing, however. No, that came when just as he’d felt her impact on his chest, she smoothly threw her forehooves around him and went in for a passionate kiss.

Feeling her lips on his, Anon let out an involuntary grunt of surprise. He didn’t know she had moves like that in her! But of course, he wasn’t complaining.

Nocturnal Pike was starting to feel rather left out. It was fine while Blueblood was still whimpering, but he’d stopped doing that several minutes ago. As things stood, she really wished there was something else in the room to focus on than the sound of Anon and Cut sloppily making out.

‘Maybe I could motorboat his balls while they do it?’

The kiss had gone on for a pretty long time, and had been pretty heavy, it's not like she’d make it that much more obscene. Plus doing that in front of the Prince would make for one heck of a story.

Ah, but alas, just as Pike made up her mind, Cut pulled away. “W-was that too much tongue? I don’t want to gross you out or anything.”

Anon chuckled, using his hands to gently guide her hooves back to solid ground. “No no, it was fine. I was NOT the one grossed out in that situation.”

As if on cue, Pike heard Blueblood noisily clear his throat. The three of them turned towards him just in time to witness Rook ask, “Should we start making out too? You know, to get back at them?”

Blueblood just scoffed, before quietly whining, “not in public!” Taking a moment to compose himself, he turned his attention to Cut. “Well, Miss Paste, I seem to have been utterly defeated. I’d say well done, but I feel like this was a hollow victory.”

‘What!? He has the AUDACITY to say that after she beat him fair and square!? What an absolute dick! I ought to give him a piece of my mind!’

“Yeah, it kind of was.” Any sort of diatribe Pike was about to release was immediately smothered by Cut’s surprising statement. Anon was seemingly as confused as she was, as he looked to her for confirmation on what they’d just heard. All Pike could do was shrug back.

‘Guess it's a pro-gamer thing.’

“Once I got over the shame of playing those cards I realized how completely broken they were,” Cut said. “I mean, did you see some of those ‘genomorph’ abilities? There’s no way half the cards will ever make it into a professional tournament.”

Blueblood, for the first time Pike had ever heard, laughed in a manner that wasn’t condescending. “Ha! Maybe. But I doubt many ponies will bother building the five-color decks that can truly take advantage of it. Oh, speaking of…” Lighting his horn, several small boxes flew out from beside his throne in the back of the room. “These boxes are supposed to be the prizes for the next five months of tournament winners. But, I don’t foresee anypony else winning these and frankly, I never want to look at this expansion ever again.”

His magic abruptly cut out, roughly dropping the boxes on the game table in front of Cut. Now that the three of them could get a better look, Pike realized they were ‘booster boxes.’ Cut popped the closest one open, and it was filled with dozens of those little packs that she’d opened at the start of the match.

‘Holy cow, that’s over two hundred cards she’s being offered!’

Cut managed to surprise her once again though, as the earth pony’s face scrunched up. “Ehhhhh I dunno.”

But Anon, devilish as ever, took the opportunity to lean in and whisper dark temptations into her ear. “Do you think Silken will take those as payment for all those outfits you want me to wear?”

In an instant, Cut’s mind was clearly made up. “I'd be MORE than happy to take these off your hooves!” No sooner has she said it than she’d started trying to greedily shove all the boxes into her saddlebags. Considering the size of the boxes, it didn’t work, for obvious reasons.

Ever the drama king, Blueblood sighed like a great burden has been lifted from his withers. “Then all’s well that ends well.” Hopping off his seat, he deftly threw the disguising cloak back over his body. “Now let’s get out of here,” he said to Rook in the magically altered voice of the ‘grandmaster.’ “As much as I hate to admit it, she gave me some pretty good ideas to do with you tonight.”

Rook just quirked her brow. “Wait really? Like what?”

Now Pike was hearing something else she’d never heard in her life: Blueblood acting sheepish. “Well, I’ve got some fur growth tonics I could use on my fetlocks if you wanted—”

Before he could even finish the thought, Rook tossed him onto her back in a groomal carry, before calling out to her. “AlrightSargeSeeYouSoonWe’veGottoGoBye!”

“Wait wait wait not in front of the tournament goers!” Blueblood futilely cried in doppler as she ran off with him. And just like that, they were gone.

Cut couldn’t care less though: she was still desperately trying to make all of those boxes fit into her saddlebags. Pike could see the seams stretching to their limit as she forced another box in where another box was never meant to go, and the earth pony mare began to sweat nervously. “Come on, come on!”

Anon apparently couldn’t help but shake his head at the scene. “Babe, just give it a rest, we’ll get a bag from the front.”

The three of them were back home now, and Nocturnal Pike would call tonight a major success. Cut was practically floating through the store as the three of them departed, soaking in all the awe thrown her way like a sponge. It seemed to have had a lasting effect on her too. She’d been standing just a little straighter and smiling just a bit brighter.

It truly was a total victory for her, Anon, and for Pike.

Now the three of them were piled on top of each other on the couch, sharing their favorite parts of the night, which they’d doubtless remember for weeks to come. “My favorite was still the first,” said Anon. “I mean, when she collapsed? Priceless.”

“I still can’t believe I beat him!” Cut added, her voice filled with awe. “By luck! Wow, I’ve got to stay far away from Cyber once this expansion drops, it really is awful.”

Seeing Cut like this though, Pike couldn’t help but feel... odd. Tonight had seemingly gone out of its way to force her to recontextualize what she thought of ‘mareliness.’ She’d set out on this journey with the intention of making Cut more confident, and then in the long term, more marely. There was a part of Pike that’d been nagging her all night, saying ‘When are you going to stop stalling and tell Cut that a true marely mare would drop the card game?’

A part that got especially loud once Blueblood broke the news it was originally for colts.

But if Pike looked at the mare for even a second, she could plainly see how tonight’s victory had made her happier, and so much more confident. Cut had found a new way to truly discover her own worth, and to stand on her own hooves—through an undeniably unmarely card game, of all things! How?!

Cut let out a heavy yawn from her pinned-down position between Anon and the back of the couch. “Ooh, sorry to make you two get up, but can we move to bed? I-I’m feeling pretty beat.”

Anon chuckled, and Pike could feel the reverberations against her back as he did. “I can’t imagine why. It's not like you’ve spent most of the night screaming at weirdos or anything.”

The thestral spent a moment more staring off at the ceiling, before finally coming to a decision. “Yeah, I think it's time we all hit the hay.”

Especially since she had something she needed to sleep on, now.

“Speaking of hay,” Anon suddenly said, “I’ve been wondering, do you still use it in your mattresses?”

Pike smirked, unable to even think about resisting. “Why? Do you want a bedtime snack or something?”

Chapter 50

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The one and only Cut N. Paste audibly grumbled as the sunlight streaming through the window landed perfectly on her face, rousing the earth pony from her comfortable slumber. The first thing she noticed after the sunshine though, was that her face was pressed into somepony’s decadently soft tuft. In no rush to get up, Cut snuggled further into the pony’s fluff and took a deep breath.

‘That... smells nothing like Anon.’

Suddenly, a pair of small but strong hooves wrapped around her head, pressing the mare further into the tuft. As Cut was pushed further and further into the fuzz, an unmistakably feminine voice sultrily whispered, “Oh, you like that don’t you, slut?”

Cut was not comfortable with what that made her feel!

‘I should probably pull away, but… Pike’s tuft is so soft and voluptuous…’

She couldn’t look down at her own, pathetic tuft from her current position, but she could feel it. Pike’s was so much bigger, and so much softer…

Cut sighed, wistfully.

‘Why must my genes be so accursed!?’

Confronted with a paragon of femininity, how could a lowly beta like her not be filled with totally platonic attraction?

‘How could I not want to completely drown in my herdsister’s tuft? There’s nothing dyke about that! But you know what’s even less dyke? Dreaming about my coltfriend shoving my face into that same tuft with every thrust as he rails me! Nothing homosexual about that!’

Not to imply she had dreamt that, of course.

...More than three times.

....Consecutively.

Suddenly, Cut felt a familiar weight fall onto her withers, bringing her back to reality.

“Babe, didn’t anyone ever teach you that sharing is caring?” Pulling her face back just enough that she could look up, Cut saw that Anon had draped himself over her AND Pike. Sometimes it was easy to forget just how big he was, but times like this made it easy to remember.

‘H-Hot…’

Shoving his face right next to hers, the two of them enjoyed bathing their snoots in Pike’s lovely tuft.

‘Now Anon’s in here with me, that DEFINITELY means it's not dyke! Right? RIGHT!?’

“Okay, it’s fucked how much longer your years are here,” Anon bemoaned as the three of them went through their morning routines. He couldn’t help but notice how long this winter had felt. Mostly because seasons here were actually longer than they were back on Earth.

“No,” Pike piped up as she followed him into the bathroom, “what’s bucked is that your Earth months are complete nonsense! Twelve months, each with thirty-five days, makes so much more sense!”

“Yeah,” Cut added through a mouthful of toothpaste. “What were the humans thinking!?”

Cranking the valve on the shower, Anon resisted the urge to sassily roll his eyes. “Sor~ry humans can’t, you know, control the weather!”

Pike scoffed as she took a place at the twin sinks next to Cut and started searching for something. “Sounds like an excuse to me!”

He chuckled as he tested the water with a hoof.

‘Ahhh, nice and warm already. Pony water heaters really are magic!’

Without further ado, he crossed the threshold and immersed himself in the wonderful world of a morning shower.

“Move over, stud!” Before Anon could even think about closing the curtain, Pike had zipped into the shower with him. She cheekily came to a stop right under him, taking advantage of all the water running off of him, and now on to her.

Blushing a little at the lewd positioning, the stallion briefly considered asking Cut to join in as well. However, that thought was immediately snuffed out by the memory of the last time the three of them all tried to squeeze into the shower together. Talk about a disaster! Pony showers really aren’t meant to have two ponies in them, but three!? Frankly, they were lucky no one broke anything.

Pike, meanwhile, was contentedly humming below him, and the stallion could feel her hips bump his hocks as she lazily swayed them side to side. “Mmmm, Thanks for volunteering to help me scrub all those hard to reach places.” Giving in to the banter, he summoned his hands and gave Pike’s cute little nips a tweak. He could tell her guard was down by how she stiffened under him—and by the adorable little shriek she made!

“EEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

After getting a hold of herself again, gone was the smugness she’d entered the shower with, as Pike looked up at Anon and glowered. “Don’t do that.”

He blew her a raspberry. “Fine, fine, your nips aren’t as tweakable as Cut’s anyway.”

The moment those words left his mouth, he heard the sound of a surprised and flustered Cut knocking something over at the sink. She must have been listening in, just as he’d hoped. “Oh jeez!”

‘SCORE! That’s two for two, baby!’

With a victorious smile on his face, Anon got to work scrubbing down both himself and Pike. Looking down at her, he had a front row seat to the sight of her glower melting away under the power of his semi-skilled ministrations. He could already tell that today was going to be a great day!

Splashing some fresh lather into his incorporeal hands, he set to work really working it into Pike’s flanks. Which she appreciated, of course. “Mmmmmm.” The more he worked the suds in, the more she leaned into his hands. Which, considering they weren’t actually attached to anything, was an odd sensation. It was almost like he was both standing above her and standing behind her at the same time.

‘Schrödinger's fondle.’

“Don’t think this makes up for twisting my gals,” Pike suddenly said, as she continued to lean into his magic.

The stallion was so, SO very tempted to grab them again, but he resisted. There would be plenty of time for more of that later. “I know deep down a part of you likes it. And that part can’t hide from me forever!”

She looked up at him pleadingly, a touch of genuine desperation in her eyes. “Isn’t it enough that you’ve got Cut’s to play with?”

But of course, Anon was unmoved. “No.”

Pike dropped her head into her hoof. “Their balls are always fatter when the full moon’s out, just a day or so more,” she muttered under her breath.

That was not the kind of reaction he’d expected. A pony saying, maybe? He made a mental note to ask her about that later. “Consider it a small price you’ll pay so we can spend our first Christmas with your parents instead of just as a herd.”

Pike glanced up at him questioningly. “Christma—” she started, before she suddenly stiffened up even more than she had when he’d tweaked her nips.

‘Did... I say something wrong?’

“Hey, hon,” he began, placing a worried hoof on her shoulder, “I was kidding about—”

“It’s not that,” she cut him off. “It’s... nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

That was weird; was there something about going to her parents that had her worried? What could that possibly be? She’d always spoken so highly of them. Another topic to broach when they weren’t about to start the day, he supposed. “Hey, speaking of your parents’, have we got Cut in on that plan yet?”

“Of course we have! We told her...” Pike’s statement trailed off as the thestral searched her memory. After more than a few moments of clearly drawing a blank, she called out beyond the shower in a last ditch effort. “We told you about that, right, Cut?”

“Um, well, no,” Cut weakly answered. “What’s Christmas…?”

Pike looked down at her hooves for a moment, before something dawned on her. She turned to Anon, confusion mixing with dawning horror. “Oh Luna, we haven’t planned the trip out there at all, have we?”

Her realization made his stomach drop.

‘Oh FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!’

Unfortunately, Anon had been forced to leave that situation more or less unresolved. He and Pike at least managed to get Cut on board, but seeing as they all had to go to work, he’d been forced to put their trip planning on hold until at least tonight. Which left him sitting at his desk, worrying and lamenting. “Oh God, it's so much closer to the holidays now! Tickets are probably so much more expensive!”

Cut stopped in the middle of her work, looking up and squinting for a bit before turning to face him. “Why would train tickets get more expensive?”

“ANONYMOUS!” a voice yelled out from across the way, prompting both his and Cut’s heads to swivel towards the source of the voice: Jargon’s office. “GET IN HERE!” Jargon’s tone, as always, demanded immediate attention, so with a shrug towards Cut, Anon stood up from his desk and headed out. Seeing as Jargon’s office was on nearly the other side of the office floor, he had quite a little trek ahead of him!

As usual, he opted to walk around the outside of the cube farm as opposed to through it. He preferred to hear the snide comments from his coworkers come from just one direction as opposed to all of them, thank you very much. Although, since he’d started dating Cut, he couldn’t help but appreciate the direction those comments had taken.

“How did that loser manage to hit THAT?” one mare cried.

“He must have a fetish,” another chimed in. “You saw the hangers between her legs when she walked in! She didn’t even try to hide them!” Their anguish turned his canter into something distinctly more reminiscent of a strut, and he taunted them in his head all the while.

‘Oh yeah, Cut gets a piece of this and you don’t! So if you think she’s a loser, what does that say about you, bitch?’

The thoughts put a devilishly smug smile on his face.

But, not wanting to waste more energy on his cringe coworkers than strictly necessary, he turned his attention away from them and towards the office itself. He’d never really put much thought into it before, but he appreciated how ponies really did their damnedest to liven everything up, even cube farms. Despite being an office building, the interior made him think of a cottage more than anything else. The parts of the walls that weren’t dedicated to windows were all extravagantly painted too, full of color and life. Even the cubes had some color on them! They were all made of polished wood with white trim, and low walls so they could easily talk to their neighbors!

‘You know, they kind of look like—’

‘Wait a minute, oh my God. They’re just stalls, from a barn! Pony cubicles are STALLS.’

‘I’ve been working in a STALL this whole time!? What the fuck!?’

This revelation disturbed him so deeply that he didn’t even notice he’d reached Jargon’s office. Which, of course, caused him to walk face first right into the door. “Agh! Fuck!” Pausing to rub a hoof on his now sore muzzle, he just barely caught Jargon chuckling to herself and saying something about how ‘stallions walk around with their heads in the clouds.’

‘Okay, let’s get this over with then.’

Pushing open Jargon’s door with a little more force than he’d meant to, he stepped into her office. “You called, boss?”

Very annoyingly, she did not get right to the point. “Ahh, I remember what my husband was like after we first met. It was months later and he was still knocking things off the counter!”

‘You sure he wasn’t just scrambling to escape you, Jargon?’

“I’ll have to set aside some PTO for the two of you come spring. You won’t be able to keep your hooves off each other!” Jargon said with disturbingly smug confidence. Anon balked a little. He was really not a fan of the implications of her trying to predict his sex life. Nor was that even close to one of the things he’d expected to hear today when he’d walked in. “I’m sure you’re thinking you don’t want foals now, but no stallion can escape the power of an Earth mare’s fertility!”

‘Okay, what the fuck!?’

He glared at her for a moment. “Boss, is this really what you called me over for?” Some of the vitriol in his head had definitely leaked into that response.

She just looked at him like he was insane. Well, he certainly felt like he was going insane, at least. “Of course not! Here, this showed up at the office for you.”

She tapped a gilded envelope on her desk. Closing the distance to it, Anon could see that ‘gilded’ didn’t actually do it justice. The whole thing was wreathed in an ornate gold pattern depicting two rather majestic unicorns. And written in gold ink was his own name, front and center. He supposed it must be fan mail or something, otherwise they would have just sent it to Pike’s apartment. Curiosity piqued, he popped the envelope open and slid the contents into his magic hands.

It was, predictably, a letter. Surprisingly however, a small gold medallion also fell out. Much like what was on the envelope, it depicted a unicorn, this time standing in front of a blazing sun.

‘What the hell?’

Turning his attention to the letter, he began to read.

Dear Anonymous,

I’ve been a fan of your articles for quite some time, and recently I came into possession of some very interesting information. As my favorite gossip writer in the city, I can think of no better pony to share it with! So please, come by the castle this evening at seven sharp, and we can discuss this juicy development. Just show this medallion to the guards and they’ll take you right to me!

Hope to see you soon,

A fan

“Hm.” Looking up from the letter, the look Jargon was giving him made it intuitively obvious that she expected him to tell her what it said.

‘Wow, rude.’

“It's a fan. Says they want to meet, and that they’ve got a scoop for me.”

Jargon smiled like a wolf eyeing a fresh piece of meat. “Well, what are you waiting for then? Get going!”

Chapter 51

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With a newsie cap on his head and a saddlebag full of note taking supplies, Anonymous was nearing the castle. Frankly, he was still feeling rather iffy about answering the letter’s summons, but his normal fonts of information had been running dry. Plus, crazy things always seemed to happen when the castle was involved, and that usually meant more sales, which meant a fat bonus for him!

Even better, he didn’t have to sneak in this time. All he had to do was show that weird medallion to the mare on front gate duty and she’d take care of the rest. Much less of a hassle. Hopefully that was a sign it’d be much less of a hassle in the castle, too. The ponies of Canterlot all but sang hymns praising the patience of Celestia, but even she’d start getting testy if he caused two diplomatic incidents in a row.

He was almost at the castle walls now, and couldn’t help but notice that he was making pretty good time! Not that Anon hadn’t believed her, but Pike really was spot on when she called unicorns, “the tribe of the mountaintops.” Even with the foot of snow on the streets left by the recent fall earlier today, he was having no trouble at all keeping his footing.

‘Or would it be hoofing?’

Regardless, he was navigating the would-be difficult terrain with ease! It’s like his hooves were natural snowshoes. That, combined with his relatively long legs, made trotting through the snow on this sunny winter day feel like the most natural thing in the world.

‘Makes me want to start prancing around, kick up some snow, and neigh!’

‘...’

As soon as the thought hit his mind, he stopped dead in his tracks.

‘Okay, that’s a little too native for my liking. Let’s tone that back a bit, thoughts.’

He felt like he ought to think of something American to balance it out. Something like a... Fourth of July barbeque!

‘Ah, now those are some good memories. If only vegetables benefited from slow cooking…’

Feeling his natural zen restored, Anon set off once more. It only took a few more minutes of walking, and definitely not prancing, before he arrived at a familiar set of gates. But the gates weren’t the only familiar thing: there was a familiar face as well.

“Well, well, well,” a sly voice called out. “I thought you were banned.”

With a smile to match Astral Blade’s own, Anon corrected her. “Temporarily.”

Not long after, Anonymous found himself being led through the bustling halls of Canterlot castle by Astral Blade herself. Today, it seemed like everywhere he looked the halls were packed with ponies cleaning, guarding, and rushing about their day. A far cry from the nearly empty halls back when the orders were to keep the place locked down for visitors. He found it to be a much more welcoming sight.

“Hey, don’t space out too hard there, Anon,” Astral prodded. “Pike would kill me if she heard I’d lost you in here.”

The stallion made a show of rolling his eyes at her; she, of all ponies, knew very well that he knew his way around here. She’d even already told him the destination! It was just ‘in one of the Castle’s nice lounge rooms.’ Compared to the Kirin delegation’s suite, that’d be easy to find!

Probably.

Unfortunately though, while Astral knew where they were going, her orders hadn’t included who’d sent the invitation. But, if they were using official channels like that, it probably couldn’t be that shady, right? Plus, if they had clearance to use one of those lounges, they probably had to be on pretty good terms with the crown, if nothing else. But, either way, Anon was glad it was Astral escorting him. It was nice to both see a familiar face and to know that if something was up, she and Pike would be on it in an instant.

“Speaking of Pike,” Astral started, “did she ever mention she was going to set up a chance for the two of us to meet ‘n greet?”

Anon thought back to the past couple of months, but nothing came to mind. “No, I don’t think so.”

“I figured,” Astral grumbled. She abruptly took a corner, and he followed her. “She said she’d set something up forever ago and she never followed through.” The guardsmare looked back over her shoulder at him. “But I’m not letting her off the hook, we’re hanging out. Especially now that you’ve got that new mare with you.” Without even looking away from him, she smoothly maneuvered around a fallen bust that some maid was cleaning up.

‘Man, bat echolocation is kind of freaky sometimes.’

“How is she, by the way?”

Anon blinked. “What, Cut? She’s great.”

Astral looked like that was not what she expected to hear. “Really?”

He playfully scoffed at her. “Why do you sound so surprised?”

Astral laughed right back and apparently decided to fully commit to the bit. “Probably because I am.”

“Come on,” Anon chided. “What she did wasn’t that bad.”

Astral stopped dead on her hooves, fully turning to face him with a very surprised look on her face. Giving him a confused once over, she kept searching his face, seeming to look for something in particular...

‘Oh, did she think I was joking?’

After a few more moments of not finding whatever she was looking for, Astral barked out a quick laugh. “Ha! Mare, I knew a lot of gals growing up who’d have killed for a coltfriend half as forgiving.” Turning on a dime, she resumed leading him down the hallway. As she did, Anon noticed that this particular hallway actually dead-ended in a large, gold-trimmed door.

‘Guess that must be my destination.’

Astral looked in his direction once more. “Did the Princesses ever establish a line to your homeland? It’d be nice to import some stallions for once.”

Anon paused before laughing at the mental image. Trains and trains of stallions pulling up to the station, all eager for a tomboy girlfriend. The influx of Kirin must be hitting the single mares hard. A part of him felt for her, but the rest of him was reveling in her misery. “Oh? And here a little batty had told me you weren’t into janefillies.”

The description of Pike as a ‘little batty’ nearly knocked Astral off her hooves. “HA! Surely you’ve got at least a few normal stallions.”

The particular emphasis she put on ‘normal’ told him it was a joke, but he opted to play along.

After all, it's not every day you get to crush someone’s dreams.

“Well, there’s a major emphasis on few.”

Astral sighed, with a look of despair on her face that might’ve been a touch genuine. “Damn.” Finally, the two of them reached the door, and Astral’s mood immediately did a one-eighty, dropping the (mostly) faux-despair. “Well, here we are!” Without a moment’s hesitation she unceremoniously shoved the door open. “Try not to cause too big of an international incident this time,” she wryly jabbed.

Anon just rolled his eyes. “Hey, you helped,” he snarked as he walked past her. Just as he was stepping across the threshold however, Astral stopped him with a hoof on his withers. “Hm?”

He was surprised to see she looked genuinely concerned about something. “Hey, before you go, has Pike mentioned anything about something bothering her?”

Anon’s mind immediately flashed back to this morning, and the reaction she’d had when he’d asked about her parents. That didn’t really seem worth bringing up though—at least not yet. “Nothing in particular. Why?”

Astral glanced back the way they’d come, almost as if to check that Pike wasn’t there. “She just seems... off. I don’t know, it’s hard to describe to somepony who hasn’t worked with her for years.”

‘Well that’s not very helpful.’

But at least now he knew something’s up. Probably.

“I’ll keep an eye out.”

Astral gave him an appreciative nod. “Thanks. Good luck in there.”

Returning the gesture, he stepped forward, and she closed the door behind him.

As Anon entered the chamber proper, he took in just what sort of spider’s parlor he’d wandered into. He had to say, if this was really just some elaborate ruse to kidnap him or something, they sure were rolling out the red carpet for it. Set before him was nothing less than a fancy lounge that seemed like it was taken straight out of a Victorian drama. Any wall space that wasn’t dedicated to a window with a view of the gardens was filled up with either massive pieces of artwork or bookshelves.

Taking a quick gander at the art, the unifying theme seemed to be unicorns doing important things. Fitting considering the accents on the envelope the fan had sent him. There were unicorns climbing mountains, weaving spells, and there was even a painting of a group of unicorns that looked eerily similar to the one of the Founding Fathers signing the Constitution! Really, similar in fact.

Really, really similar.

‘...How did that get here?’

Tearing his eyes away from the dimension-shattering painting, Anon took a look at what dominated the center of the room: namely, a collection of lounge sofas set around a large table. And said table was absolutely filled with silver platters and bottles of wine! He realized he must have been duped into attending some sort of fancy get-together, as there was seating for at least five and more than enough wine to go around. No one was there yet though, not even the host. He’d been admittedly expecting them to be there waiting for him. Where could they be?

As if on cue, Anon became cognizant of the one feature of the room he hadn’t noticed yet. There was a door directly across from him, muffling the sound of running water behind it. No sooner had he set his eyes upon it than the door flew open, sending a cloud of steam spilling into the lounge. He couldn’t see anything through the haze, but the stallion could hear someone’s hoofsteps moving through it. Anticipation and trepidation were having a no-rules cage throwdown inside of him, and it was only getting worse the closer the mystery pony came to being in sight.

Finally, a white hoof stepped out before him, revealing the pony to be...

“Oh come on, you again!?”

The beaming smile that was on Blueblood’s face was gone in a flash. “Wha- what’s that supposed to mean!?”

‘Oh I said that out loud. That’s a little awkward.’

“You just, ya’ know, got me hyped for the mystery! I was expecting some new mystery patron! Not someone I’d seen just a few days ago.” It seemed that Anon had successfully wormed his way out of that, because Blueblood’s smile came right back. Although now it was much more smug.

“I knew there was some stallion in there somewhere!” Happily trotting past him, Blueblood continued. “Sorry Anon, but you’re not living in some tantalizing serial, as exhilarating as that would be.”

‘Says the guy who invited me via mysterious medallion and unsigned letter!’

‘Guess that’s just how this world’s nobles get their sick kicks. Could be a lot worse, honestly.’

The Prince, oblivious to Anon’s internal monologue, came to a stop at the table and started giving its contents a once-over. “But I’m glad I was right! I figured this was the best way to get you to my bi-weekly wine and cheese hour, and here you are!”

‘Oh! Well, that explains all the wine, but…’

“So uh,” Anon began, “why the sudden interest in having me around again?”

Blueblood paused, with what Anon sincerely hoped was an embarrassed blush on his face. “Well, it's a little embarrassing to admit...”

‘Oh thank God.’

“...but you’re here to settle a wager for me.”

Anon cocked an eyebrow. “What kind of wager?”

Turning around to look at him, Blueblood waved a hoof dismissively. “Oh, just a friendly one of course. One of my newer acquaintances believes ‘Anonymous’ to be a group of stallions who publish their articles anonymously.”

‘Interesting.’

He supposed he could see where that mix-up could’ve come from, but Jargon had made it pretty clear it was Anon writing them when he first started. It seems she wasn’t exaggerating back then: most stallions really didn’t read newspapers! Which, apparently, included the edition that had featured a front page article about hiring him. And that only really changed once he'd started writing in earnest.

“I better get a cut of those winnings.”

Blueblood smiled at him with the most shit-eating grin Anon had ever seen on a pony. “Of course, though I doubt you’ve the required interest in foreign cosmetics to claim it.”

‘THAT’S what they’re betting with!? Lame! Where’s the cash?’

Anon felt a sudden urge to pout that he, forcefully, buried. “What is it, eyeliner made of gold?”

“Well if I win, Golden has to give me a case of the Prench Morceau de Merde foundation that he got from his most recent trip to Prance. If you really wa—”

“No, that's okay, I’m good.”

Anon watched as Blueblood’s face scrunched in annoyance at being cut off, but instead of lashing out, he turned away and busied himself inspecting the bottles of wine. “Suit yourself.”

‘Indeed I will!’

But, Anon was feeling a little sore about things; this whole venture stood at a net loss. Blueblood didn’t seem to have an actual scoop for him, and he couldn’t even make money off that bet! He decided he’d probably just dip out after Blueblood’s friends saw he was real. No reason to stick around and listen to a bunch of rich socialites yammer drunkenly about the most recent gossip.

‘...’

‘Wait a second.’

“Hey, Blueblood, your friends won’t mind if I take some notes about our conversations, will they?”

Anon’s question caught him in the middle of grimacing at a wine bottle like it had insulted his family. “Hm? Oh, of course. Fancy would undoubtedly love the opportunity to gush about his upcoming spring fashion line to another member of high society. Especially to one as knowledgeable as you.”

‘Alright! Now that’s something I can... report on…’

After the initial excitement at having such a scoop faded, the implications of Blueblood’s words put a deep, deep pit in Anon’s gut. The ponies at this little get together will be his readers personified.

Almost literally.

If he made a joke of himself here, not only would he not get the scoop, but his reputation could be toast. No one would read his stupid articles about fashion if a group of major socialites started spreading around to everyone that he didn’t actually know anything about fashion! He’d be fucked!

‘Is it really worth it to stick around and risk it for the biscuit?’

‘Well, as far as I know no pony’s complained thus far, AND I really could use the story…’

‘Aw what the heck, how hard could it be?’

Ponies seemed incapable of assuming anything but the best in others, so he was sure everything would turn out totally fine!

Chapter 52

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Unfortunately for Anonymous, his conversation with Blueblood did not peter out after that; the royal drama queen wanted to know ALL about what he’d been up to. It seemed that Celestia had given him the impression that Anonymous was a noblestallion as well, albeit from a far away land. Another one of her pranks, Anon supposed. That’s probably why Blueblood wanted to hang out with him so badly when he’d first arrived. Oh well. No reason to correct him now.

“Oh, it must be so jarring to live amongst the gentry now,” Blueblood decried with a sigh. “I can’t believe Auntie didn’t set aside a fiefdom for you!”

Anon resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Blueblood’s declaration. “It's fine, really.”

The noblestallion shuddered at Anon’s words. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like to grow... accustomed to that life.”

‘Jesus, this guy really is a living stereotype.’

Anon was glad he knew who Blueblood was dating. Otherwise, he’d be terrified at the thought of seeing a horse Habsburg with his very own eyes. “Says the guy who’s also dating a guardsmare.”

“Oh pish posh,” Blueblood scoffed. “It's only natural that one becomes intimately familiar with the one guarding his life.”

‘Hold on, was that an innuendo? I didn’t think he had it in him!’

But even more shocking than the insinuation was that, for the briefest of moments, gone was the pompous prince, and in its place was the spitting image of a human teenage girl. “Besides, she really gets me. You know?”

Anon was tempted to laugh at the stereotype but honestly... he DID know what he meant. If the green coated stallion had a glass, he’d have raised a toast to it. “Amen to that, brother.”

“...Amen?”

Thankfully, before he was forced to explain what ‘amen’ means, a knock on the door interrupted their conversation.

‘Finally! Goddamn, did he tell me to show up an hour early or something?’

In a surprising show of speed, Blueblood was already on his hooves and at the door. Anon sat up at attention as well, curious to see the first of whatever menagerie Blueblood had invited. And as the stallion pulled the door open, Anon was greeted with the sight of a white coat with a familiar blue ‘stache and his stuffed looking saddlebag.

“Fancy!” Blueblood exclaimed, beckoning the new arrival in, with a smile.

The mustachioed unicorn, meanwhile, strode into the room, and man did he look peeved off. “Well, Blueblood, I made it. Despite your directions.”

“Oh come now,” Blueblood said, frowning. “This week’s wasn’t that hard.”

“For you, maybe,” a new voice chimed in. Following Fancy in was a new unicorn that Anonymous didn’t recognize. He was pretty plain as far as ponies go, with a tan coat and a swept back, blond mane. He had a pretty snazzy looking suit coat on, though! “After all, you’re the only one here with a compass rose cutie mark,” the new guy observed.

‘Hm, seems like I wasn't the only one who received a wonky invitation.’

Blueblood looked back at his own rump, like he was surprised to see that his cutie mark was there. “Hm, I suppose I hadn’t considered that.” But nearly as soon as it appeared, the minuscule trace of doubt in Blueblood’s face disappeared. “Ah well, you two arrived just fine, if a bit late! And Anonymous seemed to have no trouble at all with this week’s riddle-map!”

‘A riddle-map? Jeez, no wonder they sounded so annoyed. But wait, why’s Blueblood talking like I got one of them too?’

As if trying to answer his silent question, Anon caught Blueblood giving him a sly little wink.

‘Ah, he must be trying to get me to cover for him and save some face.’

‘Hmm, now here’s a conundrum. Leave Blueblood high and dry, or mess with Fancy Pants and the new guy?’

‘Well, two ponies messed with is better than one…’

“Yeah, it wasn’t that hard.” Both Fancy and the new guy evidently hadn’t noticed Anon, and were caught off guard by his interjection. But with wildly different reactions!

“Anonymous, my colt!” Fancy bellowed, “I feared I’d never see you around these parts again!”

“Wait, that’s Anonymous!?” The second stallion cried in apparent dismay.

Fancy shrugged at his friend. “I tried to tell you not to take the bet, Golden.”

The pony, who Anon supposed was Golden, wasted no time galloping over towards him. Stopping on a dime, he ran his gaze up and down the green unicorn’s body, taking in Anon’s every detail and making him feel more than a little uncomfortable. “Hmmm, he certainly dresses the part...” the new stallion muttered, as Anon self-consciously adjusted his newsie cap with his magic, trying to draw the pony’s attention to it and hopefully end the uncomfortable moment.

“Hmmm.”

Finally getting the hint that Anon was the real deal, he stood up straight and proffered his hoof. “My name is Golden Gavel, and do you swear on your noble house you are Anonymous of the Canterlot Canterer?”

‘Man, this dude must really not want to lose this bet.’

Anon accepted his hoof bump, albeit a little uneasily; his words were another reminder of what he was putting on the line here. These ponies really thought he was one of them! “Um, yeah.”

Golden let out a heaving sigh as his face fell, and he slumped forward with resignation. “Drat.” As he turned back towards Blueblood, Anon caught sight of something shuffling around in his suit pocket as he lit his horn. “Take it!” He shouted, whipping the item across the room toward the Prince. Blueblood, surprisingly, caught the object with ease, stopping the projectile dead with his golden magic. It was a little case of makeup: the promised reward. “It's last season’s shade anyway.”

‘Wow, that’s the level of banter these guys have? That’s pretty pathetic.’

Although that wasn’t as pathetic as the fact it made Blueblood start moaning and groaning like a kid that just got told Santa wasn’t real. Anon could practically hear Pike’s voice in his ear scornfully saying, “Stallions.”

Desperately hoping for something to look at besides the sordid scene, by chance, his eyes fell on the door just as someone new walks in. An Earth pony of all ponies, no less! An Earth pony he thought he vaguely recognized from the one Marg Monday he’d gone to so long ago.

‘Gray coat, bluish silver mane, golden laurel cutie mark…’

‘Yeah, I’ve definitely seen this guy before. Count something, I think.’

“Ah, Caesar! Good to see you,” Blueblood greeted him. It was a good thing the Prince hadn’t let Anon get into the wine after all; he would have just spat it all over himself.

‘He’s Count Caesar. Honestly, how the hell did I forget a name like that?’

Golden immediately left Anon’s side to go greet the stallion himself, and it occured to Anon that if he wanted to pass as some high society putz, he should probably start acting like one. So, without further ado, he hopped off the couch and made his way over to the gathered stallions.

Caesar was the first to notice Anon’s approach, and surprisingly sent a friendly smile his way. “Ah, Anonymous,” he said, extending his hoof, “I always knew you’d come around eventually.”

‘He did?’

Deciding against jumping down whatever rabbit hole that comment entailed, Anon simply returned his hoof bump. “Good to see you again Caesar...”

As his hoof made contact, he hesitated for the briefest of moments.

‘Am I really about to risk looking like a weirdo for a joke that’ll only make me laugh?’

‘...Yeah, I am.’

“...a shame, what happened to Julius.”

Much to Anon’s shock, Caesar did not ask who he was talking about. Instead, he just sadly shook his head. “Indeed. Nobody anticipated that the senate would react that poorly, but I suppose you cannot win them all.”

It took every ounce of willpower he had to not cry out in alarm.

‘It's okay, Anon, it's just like the painting. Don’t think about it too hard. Just accept it and move on.’

“Seems like that’s just about everypony,” Fancy interjected to Blueblood. “Shall we get started, my friend?”

“Preposterous!” Blueblood cried. “We’re still missing one!”

“Yes, one who probably won’t arrive for another hour if last time was any indication,” moaned Golden.

Blueblood’s face scrunched in annoyance in a way that was becoming increasingly familiar to Anon. “Oh fine! He won’t mind if we open a bottle or two. Come!”

In hindsight, it was obvious why Blueblood insisted on waiting to open the wine. He’d said he’d only open “a bottle or two,” but as soon as he downed that first glass, it was obvious there was no stopping what had been started. It’d been only half an hour, but almost every bottle had been opened by that point. Anon thought the whole point of these was to try a little of each wine, but the guys kept filling their glasses like they were trying to get sloshed.

And the peer pressure was HIGH! Mares openly trying to get him drunk had been less pushy. The only warning he got before a new glass and another piece of cheese in his face was Blueblood loudly saying, “Anonymous, dear colt! You simply must try this Frausberg with the Marelot!”

Thankfully, Golden immediately interceded on his behalf and magically pushed the foodstuffs away. “Let the stallion breathe, Blue, he hasn’t even finished the glass he’s got!”

Blueblood’s eyes flicked to the partially-full glass Anon already had floating in his hand before letting out an exaggerated sigh. “If I must.”

Anon shot Golden a thankful look; after all, the more he drank, the more likely he was to say something stupid. Better to take it nice and slow while observing.

“Say, Anonymous,” Caesar began, drawing the unicorn’s attention to him, “Your coat has quite the sheen to it. What’s your coat care routine?”

Anon blinked. That was a rather unexpected thing to ask out the gate. “Just Dr. Alkaline’s Castile Soap. Why?”

“No no no, old colt,” Fancy cut in, “He means your entire routine!”

‘Oh. Uh oh.’

He hadn’t thought about all that. How was he going to tell these guys he used an 18-in-1 soap created by a stallion that believes the worship of the sun can make you immune to the tricks of changelings? It wasn’t like he knew the names of any other products that he could bullshit with!

That’s when he got an idea.

‘Hope this works…’

“W-Well, I’m not really comfortable giving away all my handsom-y secrets. Especially since I don’t know any of yours!” Anon let the statement hang for a moment, searching the faces of the gathered stallions. As the silence slowly became more and more awkward, he sent up a silent prayer that his shot in the dark was correct.

Thankfully, his prayers were answered as the sweet sound of Fancy’s acquiescence hit his ears. “I suppose that’s only fair.”

Golden nodded. “I’m certainly loath to give up some of my best kept secrets.”

‘Phew, bullet dodged.’

‘Now I just need to come up with a new topic, fast.’

“Alright alright,” Blueblood spoke, putting an end to the murmuring. “I’ll share first, then.”

‘Wait, what? No!’

The white stallion cleared his throat, and sat up a little straighter, like he was about to give a speech.

‘I didn’t think they’d start monologuing about what they do! This isn’t what I wanted!’

“Well, to start, in the morning I’ll put on an ice pack if my face is a little puffy.” Anon stared in surprise for a moment, as Blueblood’s statement made him curiously prod his own face with a hoof.

‘How can he even tell under all the fur?’

“After I remove the ice pack, I quickly apply a deep-pore cleanser lotion. Then, once that’s absorbed, I get in the shower and use both a water-activated gel cleanser and a honey-almond coat scrub.”

‘Okay, seems a little excessive, but—’

“For my face, I break out my favorite exfoliating gel-scrub. Oh, and for my mane and tail I use a tea tree oil extract shampoo, followed by one of the finest Prench conditioners!”

“Oh!” Caesar suddenly exclaimed. “Do you still use that herbal mask you were telling us about last time?”

For once, Blueblood didn’t look pissed about being interrupted. “I do, actually. It's an herbal mint facial masque. I put it on the moment I get out of the shower. I definitely recommend it.” Without missing a beat, the Prince immediately slid back into his monologue. “After rinsing that off, I shave any unsightly whiskers and dab on a splash of aftershave. Without alcohol of course.”

Anon’s confusion at Blueblood’s need to clarify that must have been written on his face, because Golden leaned into the green unicorn’s ear and whispered, “Alcohol dries out your skin and coat. Makes you look older.”

“Then on goes my moisturizer, an anti-aging eye balm, and last but not least, a final moisturizing protective lotion! Then voilà!” Blueblood finished with a smile and a flourish, “I’m ready to start my day!”

Almost immediately the gathered stallions all started clopping their hooves together.

“I never get tired of hearing that,” said Golden.

“My colt, such dedication is what all true stallions strive for,” added Fancy.

Anon, meanwhile, was stunned. He felt like he’d once again been dropped into a brand new universe. Possibly onto his head.

‘What is wrong with these guys!?’

“Shall I go next?” Golden cried excitedly.

Anon wanted to cry out for them to take a recess; he was feeling thrown for a loop! He couldn’t take another, not now!

Blueblood smiled. “By all means.”

‘No, please NO!’

“Well, mine’s admittedly modeled after Blue’s. Except, a key difference is I don't use an ice pack at the start. You see, those odd, fluffy, Earth ponies in the North have been exporting this thing called ‘liquid nitrogen’...”

Anon was broken. The insane assault of the elaborate beauty routines these stallions went through every morning had mentally destroyed him. He didn’t even know there were that many ways to moisturize! That spa day kit really undersold what the average stallion did to himself.

“Impressive, very nice.” Caesar said to the recently finished Fancy. “Let’s hear Anonymous’ routine.”

Anon’s mind spun for a few moments, but the gears were too worn down to produce anything worthwhile. He just didn’t even have it in him to lie, now. “I just use Dr. Alkaline’s 18-in-1 Peppermint Castile Soap.”

The stallions all shared a worried look. “You, uh, already mentioned that,” Golden tentatively replied.

Anon could only shrug. “Cause that’s all I use.”

“For everything?” Fancy asked, aghast.

“Everything.” Anon had managed to stun the stallions into silence. Almost all of their faces were frozen in shock. The only sound in the room was the sound of Blueblood taking a sip from his wine glass.

Which he immediately proceeded to spit back out.

“BY MY LESSOR AUNT’S MILLENNIA OLD UNTRIMMED LEGBEARD!” With that, the dam was broken, and the wailing began. “I simply can’t imagine using the same product for both my coat and mane!”

“How has all your fur not fallen out!?” Fancy cried out in dismay.

Anon supposed this was to be expected.

‘Oh well, if this is how it all falls apart then this is how it all falls apart.’

But just as he was about to give up all hope, Anon noticed that one of the stallions wasn't freaking out. The one who’d originally asked you the question: Caesar. Instead of showing dismay, he was intently leaning towards him. “How can one product manage to do eighteen things at once?” he asked.

“Well, you don’t just use the concentrated soap,” Anon weakly answered. “You mix it with stuff you’d find in your kitchen.” He slowly started to tune out the sound of wailing stallions in favor of the one pony who actually seemed interested in what he was saying.

“Like what?” Caesar asked, bidding Anon to continue.

“Well, apple cider vinegar makes it into a great shampoo. Coconut butter makes it an excellent conditioner. Diluting it makes it a pretty great coatwash. Oh, and baking soda makes it into a decent toothpaste.”

“You can really do all that with it?”

Golden’s sudden interruption nearly made Anon jump out of his seat. It seemed that he’d somehow managed to re-entice all of the previously horrified stallions. Blueblood, Fancy, and Golden, who were previously all but rolling around on the floor in agony, now mirrored Caesar—leaning in, and intently focusing on what he was saying.

Feeling somehow even more put on the spot, Anon’s answer comes out shakily. “Well, uh, yeah. You can even use this as a makeup remover too. It's way better than that Original Oakley A’s crap. That stuff’s basically just cheap coatwash.”

“That’s amazing!” Blueblood shouted, “You sound like one of the stalchemists of old!”

‘Did... did he seriously just portmanteau ‘stallion’ and ‘alchemist’ to make ‘stalchemist’?’

“Like the old stories of Starswirl in his lab!” Fancy added.

‘Jesus Christ. He fucking did, didn’t he?’

The sheer indignation Anon felt at such a disgusting phrase puts the wind back under his metaphorical wings. “Still too scary for you?”

Blueblood huffed and puffed, as stallions do. “I think I can speak for ALL of us when I say you had us a little worried at first. But, it sounds like a quality product. This, Dr. Alkaline, must know what he’s doing.”

Anon’s mind’s eye drifted back to the wall of text that was the soap’s label. Yeah, the dude either knew exactly what he was doing, or was completely insane.

Feeling a little cocky, he dialed up the snark. “Maybe you should give it a try? It's nice to not need to buy 45 different things.”

Blue scoffed at him. “Ha! Preposterous. I simply couldn’t live without my herbal mask.”

Anon cocked an eyebrow. “You only started using it recently, right? Seems like you were getting along just fine before it.”

Blueblood started blushing furiously as the gathered stallions all burst into laughter. It put a feeling in Anon’s heart he hadn’t felt for quite some time. The warm feeling of a group of guys, just laughing their asses off at what he'd said.

“I just didn’t know what I was missing, is all!”

As far as the unflappable Count Caesar could judge, they were about an hour into the wine and cheese ‘hour,’ and it showed no signs of stopping. But that was no surprise. The idea of a wine and cheese hour was always just a formality—an excuse. Fitting, then, that at this point the facade had more or less been completely discarded. The other stallions had all abandoned the idea of tasting wines and cheeses, and had instead opted toward simply drinking from the bottles.

All except for himself, of course.

A proper stallion must be measured in all things, especially his drinking. He’d forgive his friends for falling short of that lofty ideal, though. Especially Mr. Anonymous, who was presently engaged in quite the titillating conversation! “Say, Blue, how’s it feel to be a part of the unshorn gang?”

Blueblood, understandably, looked at the stallion with abject confusion. “Unshorn? Oh! You mean my fetlocks?”

Anonymous nodded enthusiastically. In response, Blueblood looked down at his hoof, as if he hadn’t considered that anyone might notice. The count took a moment to briefly check on his own as well. As expected, his gray hooves were as finely shorn as ever. Prim and proper; a far cry from those two shaggy miscreants.

“I’m not sure. Rook certainly seems to like them, but I’ve nearly knocked myself out tripping over them!”

Anonymous grimaced and sucked in his breath through his teeth. “Yeeeeeeeeeeah. But it sure does drive the gals wild. I’ve been growing them out since the tournament and they seem to really dig that rugged look.” Anon, seemingly at nothing, suddenly barked out a laugh. “Ha! Hey wait a minute, if they like the look of a working stallion so much, why do they hate it so much when we get a job?”

Both of the stallions fell into hysterics at that revelation, and Caesar stifled a small chuckle of his own, before a tap on his withers called his attention, prompting him to turn toward the culprit. “What is it, Golden?”

Caesar's old friend gave him a jolly smile. “You did good keeping your cool back there.”

‘Ah, he must mean when Anonymous started talking about his soap.’

“Just because I was as shocked as all of you doesn’t mean I needed to express it. Honestly, you all could learn a thing or two about being more discreet.”

In a rare sign of humility, Golden could not meet his gaze. “Yeah, I guess you’ve got us on that one.” Clearly eager to shift the subject, he pointed to the still laughing Anonymous. “But, seriously, look how much he’s loosened up since. Before he was hardly drinking at all! I think it's safe to say you being in his corner saved his evening.”

‘Hm.’

He honestly hadn’t noticed. But that’s what had always made Caesar and Golden such a good team.

“Perhaps we’ll be able to get some gossip out of him now.”

Golden smiled, positively deviously. “That’s my stallion!”

“And that’s why I’m thinking of trimming them down again. It's just, so uncomfortable to have long fetlocks in socks, ya know?” Anonymous the Unicorn said. Honestly, he was having a great time! He was feelin' good; he had a little wine in him, and these guys hadn’t asked him about work once!

“By my Aunt!” Blueblood cried, “Long fetlocks IN socks!? Have a little self-respect, stallion!”

“Are you kidding?! Listen, Blue, any “shame” I’d feel from “debasing” myself like that, is nothing compared to what I can get Pike and Cut to do just so they can see me like that.”

The Prince looked utterly stupefied. “I never thought about it that way...”

Anon felt a pony take a seat next to him on the couch; he bet it was Fancy, returning from the restroom. “My, my, did I hear that right? Mr. Independent went and got himself a herd?” came Fancy’s cheeky voice.

Anon shifted his posture so he could address either stallion equally, unintentionally leaving himself sitting like a human. He was pretty sure Fancy was joking, so he didn’t lay on the indignation. Yet. “Heeeey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Fancy chuckled into his hoof, confirming Anon’s suspicions. “Nothing, nothing. It's just that last time we met, you gave off the impression you were the kind of stallion who’d prefer to play the eternal bachelor.”

‘Hmm, I guess to an outsider, I do seem to fit the stereotypical strong independent stereotype to a T. You know, the gals and I could probably make a pretty good bit out of that…’

“I just hadn’t really found the right mares yet,” Anon responded with a shrug.

The sound of laughter heralded Golden and Caesar moving to a couch closer to them, and joining the conversation. “Oh I know some guys who’d hate you for saying that!” Golden japed.

Anon was about to question why, when suddenly several, mostly repressed memories of Jargon rose to the surface. Memories of her repeatedly saying something about how he’d quit his job once he found the right mares to settle down with.

“Oooh, uh, yeah. Poor choice of words.”

That just made Golden laugh harder. Caesar had quite a chuckle himself before speaking up. “On the topic of your refusal to settle down, how’s being one of the most influential writers in Canterlot?”

‘What? Bologna! Was that some sad attempt at buttering me up?’

With a peeved hoof pointed at Golden, Anon’s reply was fairly indignant. “How exactly does that work when someo-pony, in this room didn’t even know who I was?”

If Caesar was fazed by his jab though, not an inch of it showed on his face. “Debates about your identity not-withstanding, nopony can deny your influence.”

“He’s right,” Golden chimed in, “I may have been wrong about who you were, but I’ve still been an avid reader!”

“At this rate, most stallions in Canterlot are, I’d wager,” Fancy finished.

With every statement, Anon felt himself sinking further and further into the couch.

‘Jesus, no pressure I guess. This must be what it feels like to be Cut.’

To make matters worse, he could tell where this line of conversation was going.

“And that’s why,” Fancy continued, “I’d like you to have a look at these.” He turned around to look over the back of the couch, and the familiar sound of TK activating was the prelude to the sound of shuffling saddlebags.

‘Oh God, he’s gonna ask my opinion on something! Shit!’

Based on some unspoken understanding, Blueblood wasted no time in clearing a spot on the table, pushing aside everything from plates, to glasses, to bottles. Everyone at the table was positively giddy with excitement as Fancy waited for Blueblood to finish, giggling like highschool girls. Not wanting to stand out, Anon put on a big smile and hoped it didn’t look as forced as it felt. Eventually Fancy decided the space that had been cleared was large enough, and his saddlebags drifted over the couch and settled on the table.

Looking at the gathered ponies, and grinning ear to ear, he addresses them with gravitas unfitting for a room of five guys. “What I have brought today is something very special. Working prototypes for TWO outfits from my upcoming Spring line!”

An auspicious murmur rose up amongst the stallions, and for once, Anon’s participation was genuine. Fancy’s fashions were kind of a big deal, especially if those rumors about him collaborating with one of the Elements of Harmony were real.

‘This is almost too good to be true!’

“So that’s what you were hiding in those saddlebags! Can we try them on!?” Golden practically shouted in excitement.

Fancy, meanwhile, grimaced in a way that reminded Anon of a Mother telling her daughter she could not, in fact, have a pony for Christmas. “Well, you could. They would just hardly fit.”

“Why not?” Caesar asked as everyone exchanged confused glances. “We’re of standard build. Well, except Anonymous.”

“That’s just it, Anonymous is the only one who they’ll fit!”

Anon felt like his eyes were about to bulge out of his skull.

‘There is no fucking way this dude’s about to ask me to try that shit on.’

“How did that happen?” Golden asked with what Anon felt was an appropriate amount of disbelief.

Fancy unbuckled the straps of his saddlebags and started sliding the garments out as he gave one of the deepest sighs Anon had ever heard. “Ah, it was this whole mess. Rarity—” He caught Blueblood’s groan at the mention of Rarity, but it seemed the others either didn’t hear it or didn’t visibly care. “—was commissioned to make something for some big lad in Ponyville, and somehow his measurements got mixed up with measurements for our prototypes!”

By then, Fancy had fully slid the first outfit out of the bags, and it certainly looked like there was a whole lot of outfit in there. It really was probably around Anon’s size. “Unfortunately neither of us realized this until most of the fabric had already been cut. By then she decided we should try and finish these projects that none of my mannequins would fit, ‘for the challenge’.”

Fancy set the outfit in front of Anon while he went to unpack the other one. It seemed this first one had a leafy, floral theme. “And I’m sure you all know how mares can get when they feel like they’ve got something to prove,” the blue mustachioed stallion added with an eye roll.

Anon probably would have mumbled something in agreement if every neuron in his brain wasn’t currently occupied with desperately trying to come up with a convincing excuse to not do this.

“Cough—I told you so—cough,” Blueblood interjected.

‘I’m allergic to every kind of fabric known to ponykind? No, that's way too obvious.’

Anon was so lost in his own head that he hardly noticed Fancy scornfully scoffing back at Blue. “Blue, you need to end this foalish feud already. Miss Rarity is a wonderful mare!”

‘I don’t feel comfortable being the only one so dressed up? No, if the whole soap debacle was any indication, they’d just take the chance to dress up in their own stuff.’

Fancy had finished unpacking the second outfit by then. Out of the corner of his eye, Anon spotted a lot of colors on sky blue and, strangely, a lot less cloth to it than the previous ensemble.

“Bah! I’ve met mares like her dozens of times!” Blue scoffed. “The only reason she approached me was for my princeliness. She probably just wanted me to stud!”

“Oh come, now you’re just being irrational,” Fancy said in rebuke. “That’s been taboo since before we were born!”

‘Shit, if only ponies had cell phones, I could just call Pike to come and get me!’

‘…Actually, the trade off of giving ponies cell phones probably isn’t worth it.’

A trio of sudden, loud slams promptly demolished both Anon’s train of thought and the stallions’ argument.

Confusion was present on every face, as everyone tried to shake off the shock and started blearily looking around for the source.

SLAM! SLAM!

‘Goddamn, it sounds like someone’s trying to tear one of the windows off its hinges.’

SLAM! SLAM!

‘It really sounds like that, actually.’

Which meant this was the perfect chance to totally derail what Fancy was trying to do!

‘I’ve only got one shot, time to make it count!’

Feeling the power of Tricky Dick flowing through him, Anon shouted.

“Sounds like someone’s breaking in!”

Chapter 53

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Anonymous’ shouted declaration hung tensely in the air. Or, he supposed, he wished it hung tensely. Despite the continued racket, it only took a few moments for the stallions to go from startled to nonchalant. It seemed like Anon was the only one that was even remotely concerned.

“Must he come in through the window?” Blueblood whined.

With one last slam, something in the fenestration finally gave way and Anon was hit with a sudden blast of cold air from the outside world. It made him appreciate having a coat: he could hardly feel it! Although, it didn’t seem to be helping his fellow unicorns much, considering how they’d all started moaning and groaning about the chilly air.

Stallions really were just prissy bitches, he supposed.

Following the sudden rush of cold air, Anon’s eyes were led to the window that was the source of the racket, and the stallion who’d just entered through it. What was immediately apparent was he was a Pegasus, and an old one at that. Whatever color his mane once was, now was a steely gray—which did not go great with his dark orange coat, but Anon had to give him props for not caving in and dying it.

What was far more noticeable, however, was the brown flight jacket he wore. Specifically, the massive collection of patches and pins adorning that jacket. Anon would’ve needed to be high as a kite not to notice those! Just looking at a few of them told him everything he needed to know about this guy: he was a Wonderbolt, and proud of it.

As he stepped into the parlor proper, Anon realized the pegasus had been grumbling to himself. “Fifty-five thirty. That’s a whole five minutes slower than last time,” he muttered.

Meanwhile, the other stallions had all started comically shivering. “Design, I asked you to please come in the front door this time!” Blueblood cried in full whine mode.

The now-named Design trotted over to the seats and plopped himself down without a care. “And I told you that it's much faster if I come in through the window instead of wasting all that time!” He threw an accusatory hoof towards Anon. “Besides, he seems to be doing just fine.”

With borderline comedic timing, the moment the newcomer was settled in his seat, all the other stallions stood up. Blueblood let out one of his customary huffs and declared, ”Anonymous should never be used as a litmus test for anything.”

‘HEY hold on there! Sure I’m not exactly the ‘average stallion’, but that’s just uncalled for!’

Resisting the urge to cross his forehooves, Anon angled a searing gaze toward him.

Blueblood blanched when he caught Anon’s stare. “No offense,” he weakly added.

Feeling a bit huffy himself, Anon didn’t hesitate to snark back. “Where are you all even going? Gonna go sit in the hallway?”

Before Blueblood could continue the cycle of snark however, Golden cut in. “The sauna, of course!”

‘Oh shit, that must have been what Blueblood stepped out of when I got here!’

That perked Anonymous right up. Any sauna in this place was probably swanky as hell! Plus, there was no way in hell Fancy wanted him to be wearing those fancy outfits of his in there. Channeling his newfound enthusiasm, Anon threw himself off the couch and onto his hooves. Making no effort to wait for the others to make a move, Anon made a beeline for that door.

Anonymous had been right on the money; this bathhouse was something out of a Roman fantasy. Wall to wall marble, and a giant communal bath to boot. A communal bath that was at juuuust the perfect temperature to make Anon forget he'd ever been cold.

Unfortunately, he was currently in no position to take it in and enjoy it.

“GO, GO, GO, GO!” the other stallions chanted.

Anon had never chugged wine before, but it honestly wasn't that bad. Smooth at least, but like all things pony, it was very sugary. But before he knew it, the bottle had been emptied and he’d let it float away from him. The stallions all gave him a little “well done” cheer, bringing how bizarre all this was back to the front of his mind. He hadn’t taken these guys to be the chugging type, but he supposed they really were no different than a bunch of sorority girls with a high society sheen.

And just like sorority girls, they clearly loved getting fucked up!

They were going to get him pretty fucked up too at this rate. He was still trying to pace himself, but they were making it so very difficult. They’d kept the wine flowing like water and everytime they took a drink themselves, it just made him thirstier. It's the same sort of feeling as when someone yawns and it makes you want to yawn too. Except with drinking, obviously.

‘...is drinking contagious for ponies? I feel like I read that one time.’

‘Maybe... maybe I should just ask Blue for a glass of water then.’

Doing a quick check towards him, Anon saw Blueblood was busy shouting at two poolside guards. Probably trying to get that window fixed, he supposed.

‘Hmmm, better leave him be for now.’

Letting himself drift in the pool, Anon perused his other options for entertainment in the meantime. Floating past Fancy, Golden, and Caesar, he saw that in true drunk party fashion, they were already knee deep in a new conversation.

‘Eh, pass.’

Continuing on, he spied the new guy resting by himself a little ways away from Blueblood.

‘Perfect! He’s clearly some kind of sports guy, maybe he’ll be a little more my speed?’

Anon started horsey paddling his way, although his path hardly led ‘straight’ to him. Surely it was just because he was not used to swimming in this body. Surely. Absolutely nothing to do with the alcohol.

‘Just think about it like rowing a boat! You’re veering a little to the right, so just paddle harder with your right!’

He smiled to himself. ‘There we go, now I’m back on tra—aaaaand I can’t see that guy anymore.’

‘Wait, left. Paddle with my left. Alright, that’s better. Now he’s back in view AND I’m heading towards him.

‘...And he’s chuckling!?’

“...never would have survived Wonderbolts initiation,” he muttered to himself.

Anon failed to hold back a pout at that.

‘Pl~eeeeeease! I’d have been fine. What could they have done, butt-chug wine?’

“So,” he began as Anon drew closer, “you’re that reporter, right?”

‘Aha! My reputation once again precedes me!’

‘…Shit, I should probably make some attempt to live up to it, then.’

He was technically still on the clock, after all.

Scrambling, just a little, Anon’s hooves thankfully found purchase on the bottom of the pool. Pretty quickly too; almost like the whole pool was only about a foot or two deep. Consciously choosing to believe he couldn’t have stood up the whole time and didn’t just make a massive fool of himself, Anon stretched out a hoof for a bump. “Yes sir. Anonymous of the Canterlot Canterer, at your service!”

A smile almost two feet wide broke out on the old Pegasus’ face.

‘‘Boy is this guy glad to see me! …Really glad. Hmm.’

“Dubois Design,” he says with a firm bump back, “Ex-Wonderbolt.”

‘Ooh, there was more than a little venom in that ‘ex’. Perhaps there’s a bit of a story there?’

As if sensing his curiosity, Dubois followed up. “Came here hoping for a big scoop, eh?”

Well, he was right, but Anon didn’t really feel like he should say it. Although ‘retired athlete’ might be the one type of guy in this wacky world who would’ve preferred him to be frank.

‘Might as well take the chance, see what happens.’

“Yeah. More or less.”

The pony’s grin only grew. “Oh do I have the story for you, then!”

‘Yes! Mom was right! Honesty really IS the best policy! …Sometimes!’

Dubois leaned towards Anon, in a way the unicorn would almost describe as conspiratorial. “What if I told you one of my dearest friends was wrongfully discharged from the Wonderbolts some years ago? AND the scandal involved an Element of Harmony?”

‘Wait, an Element of Harmony? As in, one of those big national heroes, THE Elements of Harmony?’

‘Holy shit. This might be an actual story!’

With unrestrained glee, Anon leaned in himself, like a true co-conspirator. “I’d say that I was very interested to hear more.”

At that, it looked like he’d just made the dude’s day. He was grinning ear to ear, and then some.

‘Guess he’s really eager to get this out!’

‘But it is kind of odd that nothing about this has crossed my desk yet. Seems like the kind of thing my sources would have brought right to—’

“And before you ask,” Dubois said, cutting off Anon’s musings, “Yes I’ve tried breaking this story for years, but no one’s ever willing to listen to me! And you know why?”

Despite it obviously being a rhetorical question, he let it hang for dramatic effect. Normally Anon would’ve been rolling his eyes, but he had to admit, Dubois had him a little hooked! The unicorn had a small inkling of what that reason might be, and oh boy did he hope he was right! That magic word that sells papers like hotcakes. Anon was practically vibrating with excitement at the mere thought of it!

“The same reason Wind Rider was discharged in the first place! SEXISM! Plain and simple.”

‘JACKPOT!’

‘Holy shit I just hit the motherlode!’

Dubois had just finished spilling the beans to Anonymous, and oh what beans they were.

Wind Rider was a pretty big deal in the Wonderbolts back in the day; his biggest accomplishment being to prove that stallions deserved to be on the A-team with the mares. But they’d apparently been trying to phase him out, doing away with everything that referenced him and his accomplishments. And to cap it all off, he found out they’d intended to give his long-distance speed record to a mare! Then when he protested, of course, they dishonorably discharged him! A living legend, cast out for standing up for himself.

‘This is great, this story is everything I could have wanted out of this little get-together!’

Taking another celebratory swig, (‘when did that wine bottle show up?’) Anon expressed what may well be the first genuine indignation he’d felt in his professional career.

“That’s fucking unbelievable.”

Honestly, he actually felt a little bad for this Rider guy. Sure, he stood to make a shit ton of cash off his story, but blowing this thing open might actually be helpful to somebody! This is the exact kind of stuff he wanted to report on!

Dubois clearly shared his enthusiasm; the stallion was just as amped as Anon was. “That’s what I said! It was bad enough they gave a mare his record. So I told them if Wind Rider’s not a Wonderbolt, I’m not either!”

‘Hell yeah, you tell ‘em, dude!’

Oh, he could already see the headline: “Sleazy Sky Scandal Saps Stallion’s… something!”

‘Okay maybe I can’t quite see the headline. Yet!’

Although, it was rather odd that nobody had broken this story yet. This entire world is sexist, sure, but surely someone else would have cared enough to talk about such an obvious injustice...

“Ahem.”

The sudden sound behind him had Anon whipping around—and that had him nearly hurling from the sudden sense of vertigo.

“Ah, Caesar!” Dubois called out, identifying the stallion Anon was entirely too nauseous to recognize, “I was just telling Anonymous here about Wind’s horrible encounter with that Element of Loyalty. How did mares like that even end up as our national icons?”

Once the room had stopped spinning, he did indeed see Caesar. ‘How’d he get behind me without me noticing?’

Caesar wore a grimace like he’d smelled something foul. “Ah, yes. It's interesting that both Blue and yourself have managed to run afoul of one of the elements. A rarity, or so I’m told.”

‘Oooh, is that a hint of spice I’m detecting there?’

That’s the most he’d seen out of Caesar all night! That pegasus must have done something that really pissed him off. Dubois seemed unbothered though, waving it off with a, “Humph.” He cast a glance at Caesar. “Most stallions are just too starstruck to see through them!”

Anon had no horse in this race, so he simply sat by. Sadly, Caesar capitulated first, and took a deep breath before heaving a weary sigh. “Regardless, may I speak to Anonymous pri—”

“Hold on, DID SOMEPONY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT RARITY JUST NOW?” At that, Caesar was immediately forgotten, and Anon turned his attention to Blueblood as he sped over to the three of you with all the glee of a schoolgirl.

‘Jesus, he must be really hung up on whatever happened between him and that mare.’

The moment for that had clearly passed, yet he dragged it back there anyway. Ironic, considering how Anon could vaguely recall hearing that that whole debacle was mostly Blueblood’s fault...

Caesar spoke up again, sounding even more worn out than he had before. “Blue, please do—”

Only to be cut off again, this time by Dubois. “Oh you remember what happened to my poor friend, don’t you Blue?”

A true gossip in every sense of the word, Blueblood’s smile looked like it was about to split his face. “Oh, of course... Want to trade stories again anyway?”

“With pleasure!”

And just like that, the two stallions were off in their own little world. Anon supposed it was just as well: he needed to write down those juicy, juicy details before he forgot them! Remembering how he’d left his notepad back in the other room, he decided he’d just hop out and—

“Erk!”

Anon let out the involuntary sound as a foreleg suddenly hooked itself around him. It seemed that whatever Caesar wanted couldn’t wait, as he suddenly found himself being pulled away from the other two stallions at a frankly shocking speed.

‘It seems even Earth Pony stallions are not to be trifled with.’

Sure, he could have struggled against it, but Anon also didn’t really feel like it. “Hey Caeee~zah. While we’re out and about, could you take me by my pad?”

He largely ignored Anon’s question, and instead just grimaced a little as he continued to drag the unicorn along. Anon barely noticed, but it seemed he was trying to put as much distance between him and Dubois as possible. This set off Anon’s internal snoop alarm, and it was with no small amount of disgust that he realized how finely tuned that alarm had become. On the upside, if his senses were right, he was about to get even more story material!

Eventually, the two of them reached an edge of the oversized tub and Caesar laid Anon down on it. Seeing no reason to right himself, Anon left his head resting on the side of the pool. From there, he had a perfect view of Caesar looking back toward the others.

‘Ooooh, something he doesn’t want them to hear?’

“Listen, Anonymous, I must strongly advise against writing about anything Dubious told you.”

‘Dubious? He said his name was Dubois! Bah. I’ll file that under ‘things to figure out later’.’

“Why th’ heck not?” Anon slurred. “Wind Rider didn’t deserve that! HELL no!”

Curiously, Caesar looked frankly disgusted at what he’d just said. Odd considering how much of a champion for stallions Winder Rider was. Although, that look did fall off his face almost as quickly as it had appeared. “Ah, I suppose you wouldn’t have heard. You’re no sports correspondent.”

His words had a bad memory cued up in short order. One from all the way back when he’d first been hired! Now Anon was the one who looked like someone had shit in his coffee. “Bah! Don’t remind me. All they’d’ve let me report on was shit like minor league softball. Who gives a fuck about that!?”

That was twice in a row now he’d said something that clearly surprised Caesar. At least this time he was leaning more towards shock than disgust. “What stallion doesn’t like minor league softball?” he whispered in horror.

Anons’ inebriated mind refused to even humor the idea that minor league softball was popular on a wide scale, so he retreated further into his thoughts. Though, in hindsight, would that really have been such a bad gig? Maybe not, but at least with his current title, he occasionally got to break actual stories. Who could forget the time he indirectly caused an international incident! Good times.

‘Oh fuck Caesar’s been talking this entire time.’

“Furthermore, I think we can both agree that was fairly out of line. Right?”

‘Fuck. There’s no polite way to say ‘I wasn’t listening’, is there?’

Anon grimaced at his faux-pas. “Caez, I won’t lie, Imma need you to take it from the top again.”

He seemed understanding at least, expressing no indignant anger or pouting. However he didn’t seem prepared to restart his tirade either. Instead he looked at Anon the way he imagined a fraternity brother would at a pledge who’d bitten off more than he could chew.

“Anonymous,” he said as he placed a comforting hoof on his withers, “have you been getting your spacers? You only need to ask.”

‘Spacer?’ Now that was a phrase he hadn’t heard since college. Presumably it still meant a glass of water.

“And don’t feel like you need to keep with us bottle for bottle. We were the reigning champions whenever Jet Set hosted at his vineyard!” Caesar said with no small amount of pride.

‘Jesus, no wonder I’m falling apart at the seams. I’ve been unintentionally trying to match a bunch of bona-fide wine-o’s this whole time!’

It was just like the time he’d been chasing after his friend with the horrible chronic pain in the blunt rotation. Except with alcohol this time, obviously.

‘Better slow down before this also ends with you throwing up everywhere.’

“I-I could really go for one, sure,” Anon stammered.

Not even wasting a moment, Caesar hoisted himself out of the pool. “Alright, wait here and I’ll be right back. And don’t listen to Dubious! I’ll bring you up to speed when I’m back.”

Anon simply grunted in affirmation as the gray stallion turned tail and headed back the way they came. He didn’t bother watching the guy go; he was content to simply stare off aimlessly as he marinated in his thoughts.

‘Wonder what Pike and Cut are up to right now...?’

“Ooooooh stallions!” Blueblood suddenly called out, drawing his, and everyone else in the pool’s attention towards him. “I’m told our little draft problem has been fixed! Now, I do believe we were promised a bit of a fashion show?”

With that, all eyes turned to Anon, and he found himself with a choice to make. He could just call it quits now that he had the Wind Rider story; it’d be more than enough for the paper. But...

But... he could go two for two.

‘Wind Rider AND Fancy’s new line? That’d be quite a niiiiiiiice Christmas bonus.’

Shooting himself upright, Anon shouted, “Fuck it, let’s do it."

Chapter 54

View Online

‘Now this is luxury.’

When Anonymous wanted to dry off back at the apartment, he’d just use a towel. But here in the castle, they went crazy. Blueblood had a warm front physically imported from Cloudsdale, and stuck it in an aptly named ‘drying room.’ All he and the other stallions had to do was stand around and let the air do all the work. It was like being in an airfryer!

And it was a good thing that it was there, because standing was really all Anonymous was capable of at the moment. Caesar was still off getting him that glass of water after all, and the path to sobriety remained long and treacherous.

The others were more or less dry by that point, and were starting to put their ensembles back on. Blueblood his little bow tie, Fancy his monocle... and all of them their ball bras.

‘Ugh.’

Casting a dirty, sidelong glance at his own, Anonymous asked himself, 'am I drunk enough to broach this subject?’

The answer was yes, of course.

Picking up the garment in his telekinesis like he would a soiled tissue, Anon allowed it to lazily drift over to him. “Hey uh, guys?” Once again, all eyes turned to him. “Is it cool if I... ditch this? I mean it's just so tight and weird and...”

The longer they didn’t respond, the more awkward his speech became. The fear of breaching a major social taboo was rapidly setting in and he really didn't like it!

“A-Actually just forget I asked an—”

“Why Anonymous,” Blueblood cut him off, in a borderline sultry tone. “I didn’t take you for that kind of partier.”

‘Uh, I’m really not sure how I feel about this.’

“Now now lads,” piped up Fancy, “I’m sure we all remember promising Caesar that we wouldn’t let things get too out of hoof this time.”

‘I feel like I’m in danger.’

There was a sort of energy building in the room, like the pressure before a volcano blew.

“Ah, but Fancy,” Golden smirked, “Caesar isn’t here right now.”

Hoping to stop whatever he’d intentionally started, Anonymous weakly added, “He’s, uhm, he’s just getting me a glass of water.”

“And by the time he gets back, it’ll be too late.” The tension only ratcheted higher with Blueblood’s remark, and his words felt like nothing less than a threat.

The silence that followed hung ominously.

Then, suddenly...

“WoooooooooooooHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Golden whooped — and with that, all hell broke loose.

In what Anon would describe as nothing less than a frenzy, the stallions all tore off their ball bras. Blueblood was practically frothing at the mouth as he flung his own over his withers and it sailed to a far corner of the room, while Golden spun it over his head a few times before letting it fly off in a random direction.

Even the old pegasus started pumping his hoof!

The energy was infectious, and in no time at all, Anonymous was feeling it himself. With a wide grin on his face, he spiked his own bra and charged back into the parlor with wild abandon.

‘Hell yeah, fuck that stupid thing!’

Cut N. Paste found herself alone in the apartment — which was not unexpected. Pike still had a lot of time left in her shift, and Anon was off to find out what the writer of that weird letter wanted from him. Cut had more than enough alone time to do something she’d never be willing to do in front of them:

Ice her sore teats.

“Oooooooooooooooh.”

She tried to stop it, but the moan came out nonetheless. She was just glad that nopony was there to hear it. The coolness of the ice pack seeping into her tender nips just felt so good! The mare was lying on the couch, belly down, with an ice pack under each teat. And filly, did they need it.

Cut heaved a sigh. “Even when you’re helping me out, you just can’t stop causing me trouble. Can you?”

Most ponies would consider talking with their teats weird, but frankly, she couldn’t care less: Those bitches just wouldn’t cut her a break!

...Even if they’d hoofed her the best thing in her life in a decade.

Honestly, she couldn’t really blame them; they’re just not used to all the stimulation! Ever since they’d come in, she’d tried to avoid even looking at them, let alone actually playing with them... Not for long, anyway, even during her hyper-horny teenage years! But now Anon was putting them through the proverbial wringer practically every night!

Little wonder her poor nips were so sore.

Cut let out another sigh and rested her head against a pillow. Content to simply sit, she let herself ruminate about how much had changed in her life recently. The earth pony was no stranger to being alone, but it'd become rarer and rarer recently. There was almost never a moment where at least one other pony wasn’t around with her.

It was a little exhausting but... in a good way.

Anon was always there to brighten her day, and Pike’s such an inspiration! Cut smiled at the thought. She really couldn’t have asked for a better herd.

Of course it was also a plus that Anon didn’t mind resting his balls on her muzzle. Though that made her wonder: did his nuts ever get sore too? She and Pike sure did give them a lot of attention, after all. Cut was just glad Pike was a fellow ball-trixie; flankmares just didn’t understand. And she still remembered the first time she and Pike took Anon by surprise.

‘Mmmf.’

The two of them ambushed him, each picking a ball, and indulged themselves to their heart's content…

A sudden spike in discomfort from Cut’s teats made her roll her eyes.

‘Great, now I’ve gone and done it.’

The cold already had her nipples hard, but thinking about Anon’s balls made them diamonds.

‘Better step away to cool off.’

‘...Ha! Ironic.’

Sitting up, Cut hopped off the couch without another thought. Though she did figure that it was a good idea to swap out the towels she had under the ice packs while she was up. She didn’t want to ruin the couch! Grabbing them with her teeth, she set off to ferry them back to the bathroom from whence they came.

On her way, she took a brief moment to reminisce. There were so many fond memories in this apartment already. The game nights where she was a guest. Their first time making dinner together…

And on the kitchen table over there was where Anon let she and Pike try the fabled cumshot! One part cream liqueur, one part butterscotch beer, and one part stallion cream ‘fresh from the tap’. Honestly, it was better than she’d been expecting. She’d probably never bother to have it again, but it wasn’t bad per say. The texture was certainly a little thick for a shot, but that might be more Anon’s fault than the recipe’s. It sure was nice to try out another locker room rumor for real though! Most stallions would have made her sleep on the couch for even asking.

Reaching the doorway to the bedroom, she spotted some of the boxes of cards that she’d won from the Cyber tournament stacked against the door frame. Anon had stacked them there because he wanted to see how many boxes tall Pike was (she was a little over seven, and she did not appreciate that fact).

Now she was in the bedroom, and oh what memories she’d made there!

Spooning... hugging... k-kissing...

And there was a special place in Cut’s heart reserved for the time Anon rolled onto her in his sleep. Who would have thought having the air slowly squeezed out of you by a gigantic stallion could be so comfortable? And then there was that time Pike grabbed Cut and shoved her into her tu—

‘OKAY! Moving on from that thought.’

With a new, faster pace, it was only a brief moment more before Cut was at her destination. She lazily tossed the hoof towels she’d been carrying onto the towel rod, knowing the others wouldn’t bother to question it.

‘Hm.’

Seeing the towels made her consider something: when was the last time any of them had washed them? In fact, when was the last time this bathroom had been cleaned at all? Cut had never really thought about it until then, honestly. Back when she was growing up, it would be obvious when she needed to clean the bathroom: her brothers always left it a mess of spilled powders and lipstick. But with the three of them, nopony ever really left a particularly big mess, so she’d never thought about it. And now that she was taking a closer look, it seemed Anon and Pike never thought about it either. The towels could use a wash, there was soap scum all over the sink, and somepony even left some fur in it!

Well, on the upside, this provided her with a unique opportunity. Cut had been wanting to start pulling her weight around the house more, and it seemed that life had hoofed her the perfect opportunity. Pike and Anon were going to come home tonight to the cleanest bathroom they’ve ever seen! Her teats were feeling better now anyway, so she figured she might as well get to work. Feeling it was best to start with the most immediate problem, she focused her attention towards getting the fur out of the sink. Leaning over it, Cut took stock of how much was in there and just what kind it was.

In hindsight it should have been obvious.

Pike mentioned she was running late this morning, so really was no surprise that it was filled to the brim with her tuft hair. Cut stared daggers at the discarded fur before tearing her eyes away.

‘Come on, Cut, don’t do anything weird here. It's just some of Pike’s luscious tuft fur, alone and unprotected.’

‘Don’t. Act. Weird.’

“I cannot bucking believe he’s got me beat!” Blueblood wailed.

Anonymous the unicorn, standing behind a privacy screen, was grinning like a madman. Of course the first thing the stallions wanted to do after discarding their bras was compare ball sizes. He’d tried not to encourage it, but that rat Golden went and grabbed Anon’s bra from the steam room while he wasn't looking. But, he’d be remiss to hold it against him considering what the stallions discovered. Anon got the biggest balls here, and that was something Blueblood was decidedly unhappy about.

After the verdict was reached, Fancy put up a privacy screen for Anon to change behind. Which took about ten minutes, give or take.

And Blueblood did not stop complaining the entire time. “I inherited these from the line of Celestia HERSELF! How can this be!?”

“As you’ve made us well aware, Blue,” Fancy’s monotone voice drifted over the screen.

‘Oh I am so gloating about this to the girls tonight, and tomorrow.’

Deciding he’d spent enough time relishing that ego boost, he turned his attention toward the dresser before him. Or, more specifically, the articles within. Fancy had indeed brought two outfits: one he’d mentioned was his own, and one he’d designed as a collaboration with Rarity. Fancy had encouraged Anon to start with his, and that he’d ‘know it when he saw it’.

And looking at the two of them, Anon was pretty sure he did know.

The first ensemble was barely an outfit by his book. It was indisputably flower themed, as it was almost entirely made out of chained fabric leaves. It was more or less just a collar, a pair of lapels,— with no suit to go with it,—a fabric corsage, and a trail that would drape over his back.

Anon couldn’t lie: it probably wouldn’t look too bad, especially on him: the dark green of the leaves would probably look pretty nice against his light green coat. But considering how much metaphorical skin it showed? There was no way it wasn’t codesigned by the opposite sex. It was waaaay too slutty not to be.

‘...Wait, hold on a sec.’

The moment that thought graced his mind, a certain feeling hit him.

He was forgetting something.

He was forgetting something really important about Equestrian customs.

‘...’

‘Eh, whatever. I’m too drunk to care.’

Moving on to the other outfit, he saw it was—

‘HOLY FUCK!’

‘It's a two piece suit for a pony! It’s a straight up, two piece suit designed to be worn by a pony! This is awesome!’

Anon couldn’t quite identify the theme—something to do with the sky and rainbows, but frankly, he couldn’t care less.

‘Dapper city, here I come!’

Pulling the outfit off its hanger, he took a closer look at how he was supposed to put the thing on. It came in two pieces, although from the way it was put together, he couldn’t truly call it a traditional two-piece suit. The first piece was clearly an outer layer, and it covered most of his body. If he was asked to describe it, it was almost like Fancy combined a human suit jacket and pants into one garment. It covered the entirety of his back and sides, with the front and back tapering off into four sleeves, one for each hoof. That would leave his chest and underside totally exposed, but that’s where the second piece came in. It was a sort of shirt that was worn under the jacket—almost identical to a dress shirt from back home. Although, it was obviously fitted for a horse.

Thankfully, with such similarity, even his drunk ass was able to open it up and slide it on.

It was a surprisingly nice feeling; familiar. Back on Earth, he’d wear stuff like this all the time, but since coming to Equestria, he hardly ever wore clothes, period. Well, excluding that jacket Pike got him, but he didn’t even really wear that anymore. It made putting on the dress shirt an oddly comfortable sensation—like he was reaching out and taking physical hold of his nostalgia. It was as comfortable and comforting as a blanket, even if it was just a shirt.

As he fastened that last button, a warmth bloomed in his chest and a contented smile found its way to his face.

Still, feeling good is all well and good, but he was trying to look good here, too! Thankfully, the dresser Fancy had stashed these outfits inside had a mirror in the door for him to use. Taking a gander at it, he had to admit that it didn’t look bad! The first thing he noticed was that it was definitely sized for someone a little beefier than himself, but it was a pretty close fit nonetheless. Frankly, without that little bit of wiggle room afforded by his thinner build, the shirt would almost be constricting.

‘Hm, a safety feature to keep me from tripping, or to show off my pecs?’

He was leaning towards the latter, as it certainly showed off his chest, without even needing to show any skin. Figuratively speaking.

This fact was furthered by the shirt’s pattern. The majority of it was a sky-blue with little cloud-like patches of white, but the majority of that would be hidden under the jacket. The parts that would be left exposed—, his chest and underside—, had something completely different. Starting somewhere on the underside, a series of rainbow pinstripes were projected outwards. Those stretched out and terminated along the collar of the shirt, and along where the jacket would start to cover it. Which made his chest look even broader in the already tight shirt. With curiosity, he followed the pinstripes down his chest to see exactly where they converged. Leaning down to follow them along his underside, he saw that they merged right where the shirt stopped covering his barrel.

Directly in front of his cock.

‘Ah, that’s... interesting.’

Anon did not expect this from Fancy. A second look just confirmed it: the shirt itself was doing its damndest to naturally lead the sight of any onlookers right to his cock and balls. Did he simply not notice this? That seemed rather unlikely.

‘Maybe it looks different with the jacket on?’

He decided it’d be better to see before he judged it.

There were no fuzzy feelings from putting on the second piece, since it was very different from the experience of putting on a suit back home. Frankly, he hoped the thing was designed for a unicorn, because putting it on without magic would be a major pain in the ass. The back sleeves were easy enough to slip into; it's the front where the problems would start to arise. Anon supposed a non-unicorn would have to pull the thing up with their mouth.

‘Ew.’

Thankfully, his magic pulled up the jacket handily, and he was able to slip his forehooves without any of the issues an Earth Pony would have. And with that, Anon had successfully dressed himself.

‘Go me.’

Turning toward the mirror, he wasted no time checking out the final product—and felt the urge to laugh. He looked like that image of the horse in the suit that circulated the internet however many years ago. Just obviously more colorful. The theme seemed to be the spring sky and rainbow poles? Anon wasn’t sure of the significance; he’d have to ask Fancy about that later. As things stood, Anon’s forelegs looked like wooden poles wrapped in rainbow ribbons, which, combined with the shirt, made it look like the ribbons were trailing off his legs.

And still pointed straight to his cock.

Putting that thought aside for now, he saw that the back had a similar theme to the dress shirt’s. A beautiful blue sky, but one that progressively got stormier the further back you went. It was on his rump where the true storm clouds started, with faux-rain running down the legs to an embroidered flower pattern right above where the rear sleeve ended. The raindrops functioned a little similarly to how vertical stripes did, slimming his hind legs just a bit. Anon supposed that made sense—mares like long, slim legs, right? Something about foal-chasing? He was pretty sure he’d heard Pike say that once.

All in all, he actually liked how it looked! Dapper, but with a nice Spring theme. He made a couple of quick poses in the mirror, stretching his legs, flexing a foreleg, and such. It puts one hell of a smile on his face.

‘Lookin’ fiiii~iine!’

Weird penis emphasis or not, Anonymous was actually really into this outfit! It looked good on him, he liked to think.

‘Welp, might as well stop wasting time and get this fashion show on the road!’

Making his way out from behind the screen, Anon tuned back into the other stallions’ conversation. “So Fancy,” started Blueblood with particularly excellent timing, “You’ve brought two suits for us today, right?”

“Why yes! One designed by myself and one with the help of the lovely Miss Rarity.” Anon could tell Fancy loved his job: he’d only just started and he was already gushing.

Either that or he was just that happy to not be talking about balls anymore.

“Oho!” Golden chimed in, “Do I detect thoughts of a proposition for her?”

That made Anon roll his eyes. He still remembered all that research he did! The last thing Fancy needed was MORE mares, and he knew it. So, to save him from the question, Anon stepped out from behind the privacy screen.

“Let’s get this show on the road!”

Thankfully the alcohol was still strong in his veins, otherwise he might have stumbled when every head in the room instantly snapped to him.

“Oh, you started with that one?” Fancy remarked. That seemed like an odd question, considering it was the one he told Anon to start with.

‘Oh well.’

Ignoring it, Anon did his best attempt at a model’s strut as he walked across the room. He wasn’t greeted by the sound of admiration for Fancy’s craftsmanship, though: everyone seemed kind of awkward and unsure.

“Is that... oh my Aunt,” Blueblood practically whispered, aghast.

“Colts really have no shame these days,” griped the old stallion.

That feeling Anon had forgotten something important was hitting him at full force.

“It's not that bad!” cried Fancy. “Look how the sheath was tastefully left uncovered, and Anon’s foregoing of a bra really leaves it far more chaste.”

Unfortunately, it left the outfit far more drafty, too.

Blueblood turned to Fancy with almost a glare. “Ah yes, a fact that shirt is all too eager to remind us.”

‘...Oh God.’

It just hit him.

And it took wind out of Anon’s sails like they just got hit by a haymaker.

These ponies have opposite rules about clothing. That collar was probably the one that Fancy made himself; this outfit was designed by a mare. And it showed.

‘Showed in how I’m dressed like a SLUT. FUCK!’

Fancy knew it too, judging by the desperation in his voice. “It really... I think you’re all just over reacting!”

‘God damn it. This world can’t even afford me the small pleasure of wearing a dress shirt without fucking with me in some way.’

It was obvious that Anon and Fancy were the ones in denial here, and Caesar was already trying to break Fancy out of it. “I’m sorry my friend, but you must admit it is awfully concealing.”

God, Anon hated how Caesar said that word: concealing.

Fancy genuinely looked a little hopeless. Who knows how many other designs he and that mare had made that would probably garner the same reaction? “No, no you see, it-it's based on a quaint Griffon tradition! They call them Maypoles! And the outfit itself is styled similarly—”

“Of course a Griffon would wear something like that!”

Anon heard none of it. All he thought about were all those good looking outfits, probably never to see the light of day. It made him feel...

It made him...

Mad.

Nocturnal Pike leaned into a hoof as she sat at her desk. This was one of the days when Sepulcher was in charge of running joint drills, leaving Pike behind to do administrative tasks. So seated there in her office, that should be exactly what she was doing.

She couldn’t focus on that even if she tried.

Recently, doubts had begun to creep in. They started infrequently, but they’ve been coming more and more. It all started that night she’d completely blown it when Anon was hurting, and her ironclad worldview blew up in her face.

‘But it wasn’t ironclad, was it?’

Pike had always pushed herself to act as a mare should; how she was raised. But more and more, she’d been asking herself, “is that really how I want to live?” And now that she’d seen it objectively fail...

Even more worries seeped in when she dwelled on how it wasn’t just how she’d lived her life: it's how she’d led her mares, too.

‘Have I been misleading them all this time?’

‘No, no, all the successes you’ve had? There’s no way that could’ve been chance. That happened because of your leadership.’

But at the same time, that leadership has hinged upon that marely discipline—that standard she’d tried to live. If she discarded that, could she still lead these mares?

Should she?

These lingering doubts were having a visible effect on her leadership, and she knew it. Pike tried to put them aside on the job but, all of her inner circle had confided in her that something seemed off. And if they were concerned, there’s no way others weren’t too.

She was just not sure what to do. A part of her wanted to discard her mother’s ideals entirely. Retire, and just live at home with Anon and Cut. It’d be... nice to be in charge of the home, and to have a nice meal waiting for them every night. Tend to her little garden while she kept everypony’s messes under control. It’d be easy.

Too easy.

Pike didn’t think she could live like that, as tempting as it may be. Even if she opted to make smaller changes instead, how would she know what to keep and what to throw away? How could she marry the image she’d spent her entire life cultivating with the mare she’d rather be?

Pike just didn’t know.

She slumped over her desk.

‘I’d give anything for a distraction right now.’

Just then, there were three sharp knocks at the door.

‘Oh sweet merciful Luna, may you snuff out the solar tyrant’s unholy light!’

The knock on the door was exactly what she’d been hoping for, and she threw herself over her desk scrambling towards it.

“Uh, Sarge?” Came the uncertain voice of Rook, “Are you okay? It sounded like something fell over.”

Pike’s answer was to throw open the door with joyful abandon. “ROOK!” Pike shouted in her Sergeant voice, “Why aren’t you running drills right now?!”

Surprised, Rook hurriedly snapped into a salute. “Uh, Ma’am Prince Blueblood requested our immediate presence, Ma’am!”

‘What, Blueblood!? Ugh. Great, that’s not the kind of distraction I was looking for.’

“He said he and Anonymous needed us to ‘settle an urgent matter’.”

At Rook’s declaration, Pike’s blood turned to ice in her veins.

‘Oh no.’

Astral mentioned that she’d seen Anonymous at the castle, but not that he was with Blueblood!

‘This isn’t gonna be good.’

Despite her best efforts to remain impassive and professional, Pike knew that at least some panic was showing on her face as the realization hit her like a train.

“We need to go. NOW.”

Thankfully Rook seemed to agree with Nocturnal Pike, and the two of them took off without another word. Rook knew the way, and the two of them were wasting no time. Sprinting full-tilt through the halls of the castle may not have been the smartest idea, but leaving the stallions alone with each other any longer than strictly necessary was even worse.

Pike could tell they were almost there; the sounds of arguing could even be heard over the frantic sounds of their hooves on the floor. In one last burst of speed, both mares pushed themselves to the limit. Desperate to defuse whatever situation was brewing, Pike practically shoulder checked the door, and the two of them burst into the room. Putting her years of conflict de escalation experience to use, Pike immediately scanned the room for—

‘WOOOOOOOAH PAPA! What is Anon wearing!?’

Whatever else Pike had been thinking was long gone as she gazed upon her stallion. He was wearing the hottest bucking outfit she had ever seen. She could hear him trying to talk to her, but he might as well have been speaking underwater for how well she could hear him. There wasn’t a corner of her mind currently unoccupied by the stallion standing before her.

‘The mare that designed this outfit knew exactly what she was doing.’

‘His chest... so broad.’

‘And his legs, so deliciously slender.’

Pike’s eyes couldn’t help but be led on a whirlwind tour of his finest assets.

A tour that left so much to the imagination.

‘Oh Luna, I think I just winked.’

“See, Anonymous!? She’s dressing you with her eyes as we speak!”

The Prince’s horrible, shrill voice was what finally broke the spell and brought Nocturnal Pike back to reality. And it was with abject horror that she realized she’d just winked in front of no less than six stallions, AND her subordinate! Praise the stars that her rear end was facing away from all of them. Basic was years ago, and she hadn’t been a teen for years; she needed to get herself under control, NOW.

‘But those bucking stripes on his shirt keep sucking me back in like a black hole!’

“WRONG!” Anon fires back, “She’s just stunned by how goddamn good I look!” To punctuate his statement, he flexed a foreleg AND his glutes.

‘Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng! He’s not making this easy on me!’

A loud sigh (thankfully) dragged Pike’s attention away from Anon and toward the squad of stallions sitting on the couches opposite to him. Among them was a gray Earth Pony stallion, who was the first to speak up.

“Miss Pike, Miss Rook, can you please help talk some sense into Anonymous here? He refuses to admit that this outfit is... unbecoming.”

While Pike’s attention was on them, she noticed a familiar face. A certain mustachioed stallion whose picture Anon had plastered all over their wall not too long ago: Fancy Pants. Despite the outfit clearly coming from a mare’s maverik mind, Pike wouldn’t be surprised if he’d had a hoof in this—especially since he seemed to be the only stallion who looked conflicted, and perhaps just a little bit guilty.

‘How the heck did this lot manage to convince Anon to play dress-up for them?’

‘Oh wait, probably the same reason this argument is even happening.’

They’d got him completely belligerent.

From elsewhere on the couch, a wheat colored Unicorn chimed in. “Yeah, we figured he’d finally give up if he heard it from a mare, too.”

Ah, so the two of them were called in to talk the stallion out of his whimsy.

‘Like that’s worked for any mare ever.’

Besides, Pike doubted that whatever was running through Anon’s head right then really qualified as whimsy. Whimsy typically has a fleetingness to it; here today, gone a few days from now. But the state of equine fashion is something Anon had been privately complaining about to her for months. She’d have to be a complete idiot not to back him up here!

But then again, that would just be lying to his face.

Sure, it was a high class outfit, but sure as there are stars in the sky, she wouldn’t be the only mare leering at it like a horny schoolfilly. If she told him that though, he probably wouldn’t want to wear it anymore, and that would SUCK. Could she really lie to him though? Bold-facedly deceive the stallion she loves? Especially over something so nearly inconsequential where she largely only stood to gain by lying!?

...Yeah, she could.

“I think you’re all just being too sensitive.”

“WHAT!?”

Rook, the Prince, and even the stallion who made the dang thing had all shouted at once. Quite literally the only pony who hadn’t screamed at Pike’s statement was Anon.

It seemed to him though that the outcome was never in question.

“OH YEAH! That’s my girl! I knew you’d see the drip! The SWAG!”

At that, Pike couldn’t help but stare at him.

‘Luna’s sakes, how much alcohol did they give him!?’

She’d been living with him for months, and even she didn’t have any idea what he was saying.

Anon started doing some little victory dance, but by sheer chance, Pike’s eyes flitted over to Rook. Her armor’s enchantment should’ve left her looking gray, but instead she was as white as a sheet.

‘Oh... I did just accidently leave her in a pretty rough position.’

Rook could either disagree with her boss and say her boss’ coltfriend looked slutty, or side against her coltfriend in an argument. That is not a choice Pike would want to make!

“ROOK!” cried Blueblood, “I’M right, RIGHT!?”

Rook tried to do her best Cut impression, rapidly looking between Pike and Blueblood with mounting horror. Luckily, their eyes meet, allowing Pike to nod her head and silently pass on a message.

‘Do whatcha’ gotta do.’

Pike could tell the message came through as Rook’s posture became a little less strained, but it was still far from being relaxed.

“Well...” she began uncertainly, “It's definitely a high class sort of... lewd.” She’d had to search for the word, still clearly trying to avoid offending either Pike or Anon. “But it's still certainly lewd.”

“AHA, I’M RIGHT!” Blueblood practically screamed in joy.

‘The most powerful stallion in Equestria, everypony.’

The room immediately descended into chaos, the gathered ponies now arguing about why they’d disagree as much as the merits of the outfit itself.

Pike, however, paid them no mind and hurried to Anon's side without wasting a moment more. He was visibly dumbfounded that her subordinate didn’t agree with her, so Pike reached up and put a supportive hoof on his shoulder; she couldn’t reach his withers.

“Pike!” he said breathlessly, “Get your subordinate under control! Tell her to stop SIMPing!”

“MISS PIKE!”

The scandalized voice of the gray stallion from before cut through the increasingly loud chatter with practiced finesse. There was an accusation in his tone, and it froze her blood.

“You’re just saying that because you want poor Anonymous to continue debasing himself in that outfit for YOUR pleasure!”

Every gathered stallion, and Rook, all gasped in unison.

‘Dag nab it! How did they have me figured out so fast!?’

Despite gasping along with everypony else, Anon still jumped to Pike’s defense. “How dare you! My beloved Pikey-wikey would never lie to me!”

‘Aw, that’s so sweet of him!’

‘...Pikey-wikey?’

“Especially about something stupid to make me feel better and also when its directly in her interests to! …Wait.”

‘Uh oh.’

No sooner had he finished voicing that thought than he turned on her. Literally, in this case, as he pivoted away from the stallions to directly loom over her. “Oh my God you totally would.”

‘Well buck, he’s got me there.’

With the jig officially up, Pike put on her best disarming smile and shrugged. He didn’t seem that mad about it, at least. But before she could come up with any sort of justification, much less voice it, he threw his head up and scoffed.

“UNBELIEVABLE! Pike, we are leaving!” And with that, he picked her up with his magic.

‘AAAAH, what!? Darn it, he knows how much I hate this!’

His grip was shaky, but still strong enough to hold her. Despite her valiant struggles, he had her hoisted into the air by his magic like a hoofbag.

“Anon—”

He instantly cut her off by shoving a hoof in her mouth. “No buts! You’ve earned this! And when we get home I am FUCKING you in this outfit as punishment!”

THAT got her to shut up better than the hoof ever would! All conversation in the room once again ground to a halt, but honestly, Pike didn’t even care. She’d bear it and more just for the sweet reward at the end of the tunnel.

“But YOU’VE got to wear that cute little apron again.”

‘Nope! Back it up, start struggling again!’

Unfortunately for her, her grunts of displeasure fell on deaf ears.

“In FRONT of Cut, too. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you don’t wear it when she’s home!”

Pike’s eyes frantically darted around the room, but thankfully nopony seems particularly perturbed by what Anon is saying. At worst Rook just looked a little confused, but she’d deal with that later. Fancy Pants, meanwhile, looked like he wanted to say something but Anon cut him off too.

“Fancy! Can I keep this?” Anon said while gesturing to the suit.

The stallion frowned, and for a moment Pike thought he'd protest. But for reasons she could scarcely fathom, he relented with a sigh. “I suppose. I need to take that design back to the drawing board anyways.”

“Awesome! I’ll be sure to write you a great review. BLUEBLOOD!”

The Prince jumped at being so suddenly addressed. Anon hoisted Pike up in front of his face, forcing Blueblood to look directly at her. She desperately tried not to look at him, or to think about how embarrassing this all was.

“Give her the rest of the day off. I NEED her.”

She felt like Blueblood was going to protest too, but then he got that scheming look on his face. “Only if the Sergeant gives Rook the day off too.”

Pike was pretty eager to get herself the heck out of this situation, so that was fine with her. Rook had run Sepulcher's drills enough that she’d be fine anyway; missing the end of one day wouldn’t kill her.

Right before she could speak up however, Rook unexpectedly threw herself at Pike’s hooves. Or, she would have, if her hooves were planted on the ground at the moment. Either way, Rook was staring up at her with the most desperate look on her face.

“Please, Sarge, don’t! He’ll put me on eye candy duty!”

Pike cocked an eyebrow at her, but she didn’t elaborate. She only looked between Pike and the gathered stallions in horror.

“Please,” she practically whispers.

Unfortunately, Pike saw no other way out of this particular pinch.

‘I’m sure she’ll forgive me.’

“Private Rook, you are relieved of duty.”

“NO! NO! NO!” she screamed in panic as a golden glow enveloped her tail, and with surprising speed, she was dragged across the carpet toward Blueblood.

“Oh don’t be such a foal, your flanks look wonderful in that gear!”

Without missing a beat, Anon was already making his way toward the exit, carrying Pike along with him. As he did, Blueblood continued to drag Rook toward a closed door on the opposite end of the room.

‘Ha, parallels.’

Right as Rook reached the other door, Anon crossed the threshold and exited the room. Immediately, he pulled the door shut behind them, cutting her off from seeing whatever ‘eye candy duty’ was. She’d ask Rook about it tomorrow, but frankly, she felt like the two mares would rather just put this behind them.

“Aw shit am I forgetting something?” Anon said under his breath. “Eh, it's fine. I’ll figure it out later.”

Pike struggled a bit more, but she couldn’t get the leverage she’d need to escape his grip without actually hurting him.

‘Geez, I’m surprised the Princess didn’t ask him to be a guard!’

‘Welp, it's going to be a long walk home, might as well start a conversation.’

“So,” Pike began, “how was it?”

“Not bad,” he said with a shrug. “Got kinda weird once we started comparing ball sizes, though.”

‘Oh sweet Luna what I would have given to see that.’

Pike was almost afraid to ask, but...

“So who was the biggest?”

Anon grinned from ear to ear, telling her the answer before he even said a word. “Are you kidding? Of course I’ve got the fattest nuts. Did you even have to ask?”

Suggested interlude music: AC/DC - Big Balls [1976]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPlqLHcphyw

Chapter 55

View Online

Morning had come again. And as was typical of Cut N. Paste’s mornings, she and her herd were occupying the freshly cleaned bathroom, and each going through their morning routines. It’d been an interesting few days since Anon got back from his impromptu stallion’s night, and honestly, Cut had still failed to process some of it. That night was crazy!

Anon had come home wearing the hottest outfit she’d ever seen, and what did he do? He dressed Pike up in colty lingerie and bucked her! It was that same blue apron Cut had seen her wearing a while ago. That was a pretty shocking sight. Even more shocking was that once Pike got over the initial embarrassment, she seemed like she liked it!

At first Pike didn’t even want Cut to look at her! The earth pony had never seen her like that, all bashful and embarrassed.

But once the three of them got going...

‘Phew! I’m feeling hot and heavy just thinking about it!’

Anon started talking about how he was going to pin her down and show her what a little mare she was, and she was totally into it! Pike!

Nocturnal Pike, enjoying getting tossed around the bed like a ragdoll! It was a side of her Cut never would have thought existed, let alone seen before. She wasn’t judging, though!

Quite the opposite, really.

When Cut looked at somepony like Pike, it was easy to see a paragon for how mares should act instead of an actual mare. It was obvious to anyone who met her that she tried her utmost to act like one too. But sometimes, Cut got to see the little ways Anon managed to bring those walls down. Like the plants Pike grew, the food she cooked, and the times she’d indulge her (slightly) deviant sexual tastes...

It was nice, even if she tried to explain them away every time Cut asked her about them.

‘Maybe I should keep more of an eye out for things like that, help encourage her too.’

‘Oh! Kind of like she’s doing for me, except in reverse! She’ll help me be more marely and I’ll help her be less marely!’

‘...Hm, mental note: that didn’t even sound good in my head. Never, ever say that to Pike.’

“Uggghhhhh.” Cut’s attention was pulled toward the sound of Anon stepping out of the shower. Clearly, today would be a slow day for him.

“How are you still hungover?” Pike accused through a mouthful of toothpaste, “It's been three days!”

“I’m not hungover,” Anon whined back, “Jus gimmie some aspirin and a couple of minutes and I’ll be fine.”

Pike rolled her eyes but did as he asked, popping open the drawer she stood in front of to retrieve the pills. “Seriously, how much wine did you drink that you’ve been hungover for three days?”

Anon threw back some aspirin and swallowed them— ‘without water!? What the heck?!’

“I’ll have you know I was only hung over one day. And that was yesterday.”

Still a little thrown off by his brazen aspirin consumption, Cut’s voice came out shaky. “Wh-What about the day before then? You were certainly something.”

Anon gave her a slight grin. “Hehe, still drunk. Heyooo....”

That was, by far, the weakest “heyo” Cut had ever heard a pony mutter.

“Anon, that was pathetic.” Once again Cut found herself in sync with Pike, as they seemed to be increasingly often.

Giving quite a bit of credence to the ‘hungover’ theory, that retort somehow managed to actually fluster him. “Yeah well... the pills haven’t kicked in yet so it doesn’t count!”

“Oh?” Pike smirked. “What was that mister I’m not hungo— mmmf!”

Anon silenced Pike’s taunt by deftly slinging his towel right into her face.

‘Wow, he gave it just enough spin that it wrapped around her head too!’

Caught off guard, Pike stumbled a bit as a hoof immediately went to her face. Anon ignored her muffled cries though, instead turning over his shoulder to hit Cut with the unintentionally steamiest look he’d ever given.

“Sorry for messing up the bathroom you just cleaned.”

It was probably just the hangover, but his quieter voice combined with his half-lidded eyes...

‘Oh mare! That’s the exact look the bad colt love interest gives the protagonist in ‘Sara o arawanakereba naranakatta toki, hon'nosukoshidake osoku natta watashi no chō sōdaina bōken’!’

‘Quick, you should do like the protagonist does and say something cool!’

“Uh, well you can mess up my bathroom any time!”

‘…Oh Celestia.’

The sounds of Pike’s struggling instantly ceased. One of Anon’s eyebrows shot way up.

Cut already knew what they were going to say; she might as well own up to it. “You two don’t need to say anything, I-I know that was awful.”

Pike finally pulled the towel off her face, revealing the exact disappointed look she was expecting.

Anon was visibly disappointed in Cut too, but at least he put a supportive hoof on her withers. “It's okay dear. We’ll just have to work on your one-liners before we have company.” Keeping his hoof on Cut, he rolled his head back to look at Pike. “Which will be soon, right honey?”

Pike let out the second loudest groan Cut had ever heard. “It's bad enough Astral won’t stop bugging me about that while I’m on the job.”

Unfortunately for Pike, it seemed the prospect of teasing her had given him a second wind. “Well,” Anon's voice came out completely devoid of sympathy, “We both agreed to keep bugging you until you set it up so, when’s she coming over? When’s the party?!”

Pike rolled her eyes before finally tossing the soiled towel over her shoulder. “Anon, having one pony over is hardly a party.”

“About that...” Cut piped up. “Anon and I were talking about inviting Silken over too. That way Astral doesn’t feel like a fourth wheel, you know?” Cut had been in that position a hoofful of times before and it’d never been fun. In fact, it was unbearably awkward!

Not to mention that crushing feeling that she was witnessing something she’d never have herself...

Well, Pike’s friend probably didn’t need to worry about that part.

‘And now neither will I for that matter!’

“That’s actually not a terrible idea,” Pike remarked. “But uh, what exactly are the five of us going to do? Just drink?”

‘Oooh nuts, I hadn’t thought of that.’

Cut and Silken usually defaulted to Cyber when they were together, and who knew what she did while hanging with Anon? Probably not something Pike’s friend would be into, she’d wager.

“Leave that to me!” Anon cut in, “It's been waaaaay too long since I’ve gotten to play host.”

‘Huh, I didn’t expect that from him.’

Evidently Pike hadn’t either; she was looking just as surprised as Cut felt! “Alright,” said a bemused Pike, “I hadn’t taken you for a ‘host with the most’ type, Anon.”

‘What an... incredibly odd thing to say.’

A 'host with the most' was a pretty stereotypically stalliony description. Cut didn’t really think that applied to Anon at all, even if he said he wa—

‘Aha! Wait a second, I know what this is! This is banter!’

‘She called him that because she wants to gain back some ground after Anon ribbed her about Astral! Look at me, starting to pick up on these things.’

‘Now let’s see how Anon responds…’

“Well I just haven’t had the chance to host! I hang out with like, three ponies and I live with two of ‘em.”

‘He... took it completely sincerely.’

“You just worry about getting the word to Astral and I’ll handle everything else! Cut and I need to drop by Silken’s after work today anyway.”

‘I do?’

“We do?” Cut asked, quizzically.

“Of course,” Anon said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “We can’t have you be the only one without a special sex outfit!”

Cut’s shock at the sudden turn in the conversation nearly knocked the wind out of her. She couldn’t even let out an audible “oof.”

“Guess he really isn’t hungover,” Cut caught Pike musing under her breath.

The only thing that came to the earth pony’s mind when she heard ‘sex outfits’ was every single one of her mom’s pornos that she was regrettably aware of. Usually featuring a teat fetish themed outfit, no less. Frankly, Cut was really not sure she wanted to be put in some kooky outfit just for sex. Unfortunately for her though, in situations like this her mind could only think of one response:

Deflection.

“N-No, that’s okay. I’m fine.”

“Nonsense!” Anon continued completely unabated, “I’ve got my suit now, and Pike has her apron—” In a rare show of bashfulness, Pike turned red and looked away from the two of them at that. “—so we’ve got to get you something too! I’m thinking something with cowprint would really knock it out of the park. What do you think, hon?”

At first, Pike looked visibly relieved that Anon hadn’t lingered on the topic of her apron, but then that relief shifted to annoyance. “Anon,” she griped, “don’t you think you’re milking this teat thing a littl—” Pike blanched as her own words caught up with her. “Oh send me to the Moon.”

Anonymous the unicorn was firmly planted at his desk. Surrounding him was the now somewhat comforting white noise of everyone in the office going about their day. Even Cut was in the zone, physically cutting and pasting her edits into the articles as they came across her desk.

‘Well then, no reason to keep dallying myself.’

Turning his attention to the notebook lying in front of him, Anon dissected what he’d learned over the past few days. It took a while, but he eventually realized what he’d forgotten at the wine tasting: he’d both left his notebook there, and he’d left before hearing what Caesar was so desperate to tell him. Thankfully, Caesar saw fit to remedy both those things. The stallion had a courier drop off Anon’s notebook the next day, complete with Caesar’s own personal annotations.

And wow, was reading them a doozy.

Caesar did not have many positive things to say about Wind Rider or DuBois Design. In fact, Anon didn’t think he had any positive things to say at all—just more and more creative ways of insulting them, some of which Anon would have to use himself at some point. And after doing a little research for himself, Anon was quick to see why.

The series of events DuBois fed him were dangerously close to being a complete fabrication.

Nowhere in his retelling of events was the mention of his friend’s hairbrained scheme to destroy some poor mare’s career. Which, considering that mare also happened to be a national hero, was a pretty fucking egregious omission. If Anon had been stupid and just written about DuBois' version of events taken whole cloth, he’d have basically shot his own career in the face.

‘Thanks for that, Dubious.’

At least Caesar was looking out for him!

But now Anon had to ask himself something: should he just throw all this out and forget about it?

On the surface, it looked like there was absolutely no story for him here. Wind Rider was unambiguously in the wrong, and seemingly was punished accordingly. Nevertheless, Anon couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more to it. Looking out over his desk, he grabbed the handful of related articles he’d picked up and laid them out in front of him. They all said more or less the same thing. Wind Rider was a stallion so obsessed with being the best that he’d tried to snuff out a promising young mare’s career just to keep his record around.

Anon just couldn’t help but wonder, why?

Sure, he could see that being someone’s motivation back on Earth, but he really didn’t think he’d ever seen a pony ever act with such unambiguous malice before. And over something so seemingly trivial, too: just a speed record?

‘No, there’s got to be more to this. And I’m going to find out what!’

The shit he was writing about Fancy’s fancy outfits would keep Jargon off his back for the foreseeable future, which blessedly freed him up to play investigator on this matter to his heart’s content!

Reaching into one of his desk drawers, Anon pulled out a much smaller, secret notebook. It was a record of all of his sources. A quick page-through showed that none of them would be of any help, though. He needed someone with a direct connection to the Wonderbolts, and ideally Wind Rider himself, if he wanted to get anywhere with this. Technically Dubious fit that description, but anything else he’d tell Anon would very obviously not be of any use.

‘Hm, well, guess I’d better start figuring out if any other current or former Wonderbolts live in town. Or book myself a daytrip to Cloudsdale.’

Nocturnal Pike was busy doing what every guardsmare should do: work out! Today was a strength training day, so she and the mares were scattered about the Castle’s training gym. She typically kept these pretty free-form, allowing her subordinates to choose what they thought needed the most work and let them focus on that. Pike, for example, was currently on her back doing some four-legged hoof presses on one of the new ‘weight machines’ the Princesses commissioned. It had her lying on her back, all four hooves working together to push a weighted platform.

‘14... 15... 16…’

Lying on her back like that, legs up, she couldn’t help but notice how this workout had her in a very similar position to the one Anon had her in a few nights ago.

A less disciplined mare might have let that realization distract her, but not Pike.

‘17.. 18... 19…’

The last thing she’d want is for an opponent to exploit her size like Anon did. He was the only one she’d allow.

And Cut too she supposed, if she asked.

‘20!’

Letting out a relieved breath, Pike guided the weighted platform back to its resting position and extracted herself from the contraption. She might’ve been more of a fan of old fashioned workout techniques, but Pike couldn’t deny that these new ‘machines’ had their uses. Normally an exercise like that required a pretty serious spotter in case her legs gave out, but the machine had a built-in safety!

That didn’t mean she still didn’t ask for a spot, though.

“Lookin’ good!” Astral cheered. “Pretty sure you just beat your personal best on this thing.” To punctuate that, she gave the machine a smack—only to immediately jump away from it as it made a most horrific groan.

Pike grimaced, as her highness’ earlier words came to mind. “The Princesses did ask us to be gentle with these things, remember?”

“Yeah,” Astral weakly added, “I do now.”

Pike shook her head, feeling very disappointed in her number one. “Come on Astral, if I can’t even trust you around the Crown’s equipment, how am I supposed to trust you around my stuff?”

“Oh? So we’re on for tomorrow then after all?”

A small part of her was tempted to say no. The more she thought about it though, the more she realized she may have just been overthinking things. Astral’s already met Anon; she knows what to expect. And it wasn’t like they were going to spend the party running around the kitchen or tending to Pike’s garden! Having her over wasn’t going to shatter Astral’s idea of her and ruin their friendship; Pike was just being dramatic.

“Yeah, of course. Anon and Cut are bringing one of their friends too.”

Astral shrugged, expectedly nonchalant. “Cool, cool. Oh, speaking of, I did also tell Night Sky about this.”

‘What?!’

“What!?”

“Oh come on Pike,” she chided, “You really think your number two doesn’t deserve to meet him too?”

Well, Astral had her there. Night had been Pike’s friend for about as long as she’d been friends with Astral. Really, she did deserve to also meet the stallion Pike had been spending so much time with. She doubted it’d really change much anyway: adding one more pony shouldn’t bring in too much chaos. Sure, the kind of relationship Pike and Anon had might come as more of a surprise to her, but she was pretty level headed. Pike doubted it would be a problem.

“Alright, alright. But nopony else! Our apartment isn’t that big.”

Astral rolled her eyes, but Pike knew she got the picture.

But, as if on cue, the hairs on the back of Pike’s neck stood up. Her finely honed instincts told her that somepony was watching her, right that very moment. And she didn’t need a degree to know exactly who it was.

Pike didn’t even dignify her by turning around before shouting, “CLOAK! Quit creeping on us and give me twenty!”

A satisfied smile crept onto Pike’s face as she heard the sounds of a pony doing just that.

‘Fantastic!’

Now she just needed to go find Rook. She had promised to show the poor mare some exercises she could do despite her 'bruised pelvis,’ and she was going to make good on that. Especially since by Rook's account, it was at least partially her fault.

Chapter 56

View Online

‘Tonight’s the night!’

It was Anonymous the unicorn’s first house party in... well, years, really. That had him pretty psyched! Neither Pike nor Cut knew this, but back in the day, Anon’s parties used to draw quite the crowds. Back when all that was needed for fun was a good old-fashioned Halo 3 LAN party.

Ah Fat Kid Escape, those were the days.

Unfortunately, finding things for tonight’s guests required a bit more effort. There wasn’t really a unifying thread between the planned guests, but that didn’t mean the tried and true pastimes shouldn’t work! With some food, plenty of drinks, and Pike and Cut’s combined party game selection, they should have more than enough to keep everyone entertained!

And the food is what Anonymous found himself preparing. Pike had seemed a little on edge, so the stallion took it upon himself to prepare the foodstuff for tonight. He hadn’t meant for it to be anything crazy: just some classic party snack things. Honestly, he had hoped to just buy most of it ready-made from the store, only to realize he’d forgotten just how much ponies prefer to cook things themselves.

They’d invented the TV but not the dang TV dinner, apparently!

If someone wanted ‘pretzel bites and beer cheese,’ they either had to clean out a bakery or buy the dough and cook the bites themselves!

At least a new Kirin shop was selling beer cheese by the block — one of which was presently melting in a pot that the green unicorn had on a back burner while the pretzels baked in the oven. He also had some veggies from Pike’s garden that the stallion planned to make salsa out of on the counter. Annnnd the ingredients for buffalo dip waiting in the refrigerator (which he should really have already started by now).

Maybe he’d overdone it, just a tad.

‘Oh shit and I totally forgot about that block of nacho cheese! Fuuuuck, I meant to put that on at the same time as the beer cheese! Damn it!’

Yanking open a cabinet, he sent a mystic hand in to find a suitable pot.

‘Hmm, not that one, too small... that one feels like a skillet…’

“OoooooOOOOOOooooOOOoooo~!”

Anon stubbornly kept his attention focused on the stove, despite the voice from the couch’s best efforts to pull him away.

“I cast a spell of... uh, Anon coming over to the cooo~ooouch!”

Anon tried his damndest to hold in the laughter. The mares hadn’t quite gotten to him yet, but they were getting close.

“Didn’t your Mom ever tell you? Never distract a stallion when he’s in the kitchen!”

Now that got him. Anon barked out a laugh before abandoning his quest for a pot and turned toward the couch. The two mares had draped themselves over the back of the couch to watch him while he worked.

Cut was still wearing the outfit he’d gotten for her from Silken’s, apparently.

The moment Anon and Cut had walked in, Silken was off like a lightning bolt, claiming she knew exactly why they were there and that she had the perfect thing for it. It turns out that thing was a lovely, dark blue sorceress robe, complete with gold trim. A gold trim that if one looked at hard enough, they’d notice it primarily consisted of dicks cumming magic sparkles and swirls.

Anon gave the girls a wry look, particularly towards Pike. “Did your Mom actually tell you that?”

‘Hold on, if I’ve been facing away from them, does that mean they’ve just been watching my flanks and sack this whole time?’

“Well, yeah,” Pike replies, oblivious to Anon’s train of thought. “Yours did too, right, Cut?”

“Once or twice,” Cut says from beneath the robe’s hood. “Dad always made a big stink when she did, though.” The moment for whatever she had planned had clearly passed, and she followed up by pulling the hood off her head. It must've been enchanted because while that hood was up, all Anon could see of her face was her golden mane spilling out the front, which she left down to compliment her sorceress look. It looks good on her, especially when he can actually see her whole head. It was longer than he’d thought; it came down nearly midway down her shoulders. She must really pack it into that bun!

“Surely your Mom said it once too, Anon.”

Like a true nerd, Cut adjusted her glasses before correcting Pike. “No, it would have been your... Dad, right?”

The idea made the stallion snicker. He could tell by the little pause that Cut was struggling to even picture it. The best part is, she probably would’ve been right — if Anon had been born a few decades earlier, that is!

“I can honestly say neither of my parents ever said that.”

Having discussed his parents with them before, neither of them looked particularly surprised. Hell, Pike easily looked ten times more shocked at Cut’s answer than his.

“I guess it was just Mom being weird,” Pike mutters under her breath.

‘Hm, I’ve heard Pike defend stranger things when they’ve come from her Mom. Odd that she’d give up so easily for this one. I wonder, what’s changed?’

Before Anon can dwell on it any longer though, a pop from the stove pulls him back to it.

‘I need to keep stirring the cheese, dang it!’

Seeing him retreat back to the kitchen makes both Cut and Pike sigh. “Come on, Anon,” Cut whines, “come hang out with us!”

Deciding to use his eyes this time, Anon peeked into the cabinet he’d left open to try and find that pot.

‘Oh it was right there in the front, imagine that.’

“No dice! I said I would have everything ready and I’m doin' it!” With that, he pulled the cheese out of the fridge and put it on a cutting board. It’d melt faster if he chopped it up, after all.

“Besides, waiting for people to show is always the worst part.”

He gave the beer cheese a couple of hard stirs to keep it from bubbling again.

“You’re just sitting there, waiting. Then you start wondering, what if no one shows up? Does anyone actually want to come?"

Grabbing a second spoon, he started doing the same to the nacho cheese.

"Did everyone just lie about coming so you wouldn't feel bad? And once you hit that point, it's just downhill ‘til somebody shows.”

By chance, he caught a glimpse of Pike and Cut through the reflection on the pot. It's pretty distorted, obviously; so distorted that they look comically concerned!

“Anon…” Pike speaks hesitantly, “Is there something you want to talk about?"

There was a sudden, pronounced ding-dong, and Anon let out a breath he hadn't realized was bated at the sound of the doorbell.

‘Looks like the first guest has arrived!’

Nocturnal Pike was surrounded by ponies important to her.

And also Silken.

Anon’s little get-together had truly begun, and so far, things were going decently well. Silken was the first to show, and right on time, too. Pike was surprised she’d beaten Night, but then again, Night wasn’t far behind at all.

Unfortunately, the two of them showing up so fast only served to highlight the present issue:

It'd been nearly forty-five minutes, and still no Astral.

‘Dang nab it!’

Pike was tempted to cross her hooves and grumble. This whole event is happening at her behest, and Astral can’t even be bothered to show up on time!? Sure, she’s never been the most punctual, but this is ridiculous!

Thankfully the lack of the de facto guest of honor didn’t seem like it was bothering Anonymous too much. Which is extra surprising, considering how anxious he was earlier. In stark contrast, he seemed completely content, with only the occasional glance back toward the stove to show there was anything on his mind.

It helped that Cut (who thankfully ditched her robe in a hurry) and Pike were on either side of him to pin him down if need be. In the meantime, he was yammering away about something to Silken, who’d set a cushion on the other side of the coffee table.

Night was next to her, and her bewildered expression reminded Pike of just how little time she'd spent around Anonymous. In sharp contrast to how Pike knew Astral would act, the violet Thestral hadn’t quite shaken off the chain of command business. Even as she listened to Pike’s coltfriend yammer on about his nonsense, she was keeping her posture perfect and her attention focused. Which was why Pike and Astral were frequently very insistent that she come out more: while her serious demeanor was her greatest asset, it’s also a bit of a weakness.

“You guys don’t know how good you have it. I mean, all you need is a cushion on the ground. Back home, we’d be shoving a chair into every nook just so everyone had a place to sit!”

Pike loved Anon, she really did, and she was happy that he was so much more comfortable talking about his home, but sometimes he forgot that a lot of what he said sounded like complete nonsense to the average pony.

Like Night Sky, for instance.

Silken may not know that his people actually sat upright, but she’s at least seen the nastiest of his culture shock. Nothing he said could probably surprise her at this point. Night Sky, however, looked like she was slowly losing her mind trying to follow what he’s saying. Pike could have given her some fake context, like ‘Oh, there were a lot of Diamond Dogs in A-mare-ica and they need to sit upright,’ but it was much funnier to leave her in the dark.

“Oh, that reminds me! There was this one party back in college…”

Pike hopped off the couch and onto the carpet, wordlessly excusing herself. She could tell where this story was going; it's the one where Anon’s friend managed to drunkenly stumble through and break ten consecutive chairs in one fall. It's a funny story, but she didn’t really need to hear it again.

Tramping across the soft carpet, Pike made for the window in what was, admittedly, a probably futile effort. She could tell from the couch there wasn’t a cloud in the night sky, so if Astral was nearby, she might be able to see the mare from the window.

She probably wasn’t, but hey, no harm in trying

After a peppy trot over toward the window, Pike gazed out over Canterlot’s nighttime skyline. Most of the buildings were still lit up, and their silhouettes created quite a picturesque contrast against the sky.

...and the pony flying towards her window?

Sure enough, even after a second look, that off-color splotch standing out against the skyline was very much a pony. A pony whose flight vector seemed like it was headed directly for Pike’s window.

Pouring all of her natural magic into her eyes, Nocturnal Pike focused on the approaching shape.

‘And iiiiiiiits... just Astral.’

She supposed that should have been obvious.

‘Why on Hearth isn't she just coming in the door?’

Unlatching the window, Pike took a step back so Astral would have a place to land.

A step that clued Pike in to just how much she’d been tensing her back legs.

‘It seems my subconscious was prepping me for the old point-blank take-off and intercept; good on it!’

That would have been just the thing to do if it really was some crazy pony careening right toward her window. Instead of letting them plow through the window and into everypony, Pike could have easily knocked them off course and saved the day!

‘Ooh, I kinda wish that would happen now…’

Well, honestly it could still happen, if the reason Astral was heading for the window was she’s already drunk.

She’d done it before.

Last time, she didn’t even give Pike a chance to open it; she just blew straight through. Pike’s landlady reinforced the glass after that one. And charged her for it. With that thought in mind, Pike decided not to take any chance of that happening again, and just preemptively popped the window open. The brief cold was worth not having to pay for a new window, — or even worse, dealing with Astral just bouncing off and tumbling to the streets below.

Even with the heat on blast Pike still had to suppress a shiver as a chill rushed in. Of course Celestia would move the capital to the top of a mountain as soon as the REAL Princess was out of the picture. She knew how well the Thestrals did with cold; she was trying to keep Pike’s tribe out!

"Hey, honey," Anon called from the couch, "why'd you open the window? You'll let all the heat out."

‘Tsk, of course, the first pony to complain would be the only one with natural cold resistance.’

‘Stallions.’

Before Pike had a chance to explain though, Astral was already zipping through the open window, whipping right past her. Astral hit the floor hard; Pike could feel it from where she was standing. Astral immediately transitioned into one of the shortstop rolls the unit had practiced countless times. It barely let her shed enough momentum to avoid slamming into the coffee table, but she managed to stop just short of it.

She must have sped up when she saw Pike open the window; she closed that distance fast. Considering how close her head came to that table, a little too fast, Pike reckoned.

Not unexpectedly, the ponies still gathered around the table were left rather speechless as the mare stumbled to her hooves. Well, except Night, who just rolled her eyes.

“Astral,” she asked, “What the buck was that?”

If her barely stumbling to her hooves hadn’t already clued Pike in, Astral’s slurring would have:

She was already drunk.

‘Guess it's a testament to my training regimen that she was able to pull a move like that while barely in control of herself enough to stand.’

“Oof, s-sorry but if I had to fly in th-hic-those winds for another minute I think my dang TEATS would have fallen off!”

Anon, who was watching the whole display from the couch, leaned forward a bit and asked, “So why didn’t you just walk?”

Silken shifted her eyes between him and Astral before laughing. “You know, if you really wanted to impress him I don’t think that’s the way to do it,” she said.

“It's not THAT,” Astral shouted back. “I had to lose my tail!”

They all looked between each other around Astral, various forms of confusion on each of their faces.

“Well uh, mission failed,” Anon snarked, “it’s still on your butt.”

“No that kind of tail!” she slurred back, “somepony was following me!”

That seemed... highly unlikely to Pike. But drunk or not, Astral probably wouldn’t imagine something like that.

Night ended up being the one to ask first. ”Why would somepony be following you?”

The sound of knocking on the door brought everything to a sudden halt.

Pike and everypony else held their breath as their heads all slowly turned toward the door.

*Knock*

Anonymous the unicorn just didn’t know what went wrong.

He and Cut were busy cowering behind the kitchen table. Well, cowering symbolically, at least.

The mystery of Astral’s tail would, sadly, in all likelihood never be solved. Because to figure out who it was, he would’ve had to ask every one of the dozen or so ponies who had been standing outside that door. And were now milling about the house, drinking and laughing.

It went from a casual get-together to a real party so fast he was hardly able to react. Thankfully, he was pretty sure none of these ponies were total strangers. Pike recognized more than half of them from her squad, and named most of them as they walked in. Some of them Anon recognized, like Blueblood’s fillyfriend Rook and Cut’s sister Cloak. Others, he didn’t, like Mulberry Pie. Astral even called out to one of them too — some pegasus he believed was from the Dayguard.

‘Wait, are those some mares from the office by the window?’

‘What the fuck!?’

‘How did any of these ponies get here? Did they all just stalk Astral?’

‘No, that doesn’t make sense...’

Of course, poor, socially anxious Cut was handling all this the best she could. She was putting on a brave face, but Anon could tell on the inside she was freaking out.

Hence why she was back here with him.

Thankfully, whoever told these weirdos to come also told them it was BYOB, so now his kitchen table had more booze on it than he’d ever need. Knowing Cut, and knowing parties, Anon reached out a hand and plucked a bottle off the table.

He was betting she was a cider mare.

Using a telekinetic thumb, he flipped the cap right off as he gently glided it over to her.

‘Ha! Couldn’t have done that if they were still meat hands.’

Catching sight of the drink, she looked at him, wide-eyed like a puppy.

“Don’t think about it too hard,” Anon said, pressing the cider into her chest. “Just go with the flow and let the conversations take you.”

She wordlessly nodded her head before grabbing the cider with a hoof and taking a shaky swig. Anon wished he could do that himself, but as the host, it was his job to stay (mostly) sober and make sure everyone had a good time.

And make sure these fucks don’t steal anything.

Chapter 57

View Online

It took two whole ciders before Cut N. Paste felt like she could leave the relative safety of the kitchen. Another, and she actually felt calm enough to mingle. To be honest, Cut had no idea what Anon was going on about, so she just headed over toward Pike; she could at least introduce the earth pony to most of these strangers. As Cut got close to the guardsmares gathered around the coffee table, the conversation started to fade in...

“And I can’t believe you just left me there, Sarge!” said the one Cut recognized as Rook.

“Oh noooooooo!” slurred Astral, “Pike ABANDONED you to be ogled by a bunch of rich, hot, tigers? We need a court martialing, now!”

Pike spotted Cut coming and scooted over on the couch, giving her a place to sit. She gladly took it, of course, and silently let the argument play out.

“Blue’s not a tiger!” Rook protested, “He’s only twenty-eight! B-Besides, you haven’t seen them! It's like swimming with sharks!”

“Sharks that’ll *hic* blow your back out and pay your bills,” Astral snarked.

“Don’t be so crude,” responded Night Sky, the mare Cut met earlier, “but Rook, surely you’re over-exaggerating.”

“I’m not!” Rook shuddered as she recalled the event. “They get this look in their eyes, like I’m just a piece of meat to them, an... object.” The horror on her face abruptly shifted to what Cut would almost call guilt. “Is... Is that how we look to the stallion guards?”

Suddenly, Cut felt some sort of movement from the back of the couch. Looking over her shoulder, she was shocked to see Cloak. She’d silently crept up and draped herself over the back of the couch and nearly onto Cut.

‘I really wish she’d stop doing things like that…’

As Cloak began to speak, Cut noticed she was almost stage whispering. It had the cadence of a whisper, but was easily heard over the other ponies in the room. “Maybe it's because they’re sharkponies!” She looked left and right before continuing. “Their mares already come onto land to drag our stallions to their underwater acropolis, their stallions must mare-hunt on land too!”

“OI!” Astral shouted with an accusatory point of her hoof, “Shut yer crap, Cloak! No one wants to hear your insane conspiracies, they want to hear mine!” With that, Astral scrambled forward, right into Rook’s face. “Everypony’s heard the rumors that those upper-class stallions made a multi-stallion herd! Is it true? Did they ask you to join it while eyeing you up?”

“Ugh,” groaned a disgusted Night, “And what, they started kissing each other and let Rookie watch?” She followed up by reaching over and roughly shoving Astral back into her seat. “Grow up, Officer.”

Anonymous frowned as he noticed someone standing off to the side, alone — someone he’d actually wanted to be here no less: Silken Evening. She was over by the entertainment center, idly picking through his DVDs.

‘Better go check on her.’

Thankfully for the stallion, he remained (literally) unmolested on his journey through the sea of increasingly drunken mares. Most of them had congregated around the living room, but the party had gone on long enough that it started spilling over into the kitchen. It'd better not spill into the bedroom; he’d already caught Cut’s sister eyeballing the door at least once.

‘It's waaaay too early for shit like that.’

Though now that he stopped to think about it, that’s not the only thing she’d been eyeballing. Cloak, and just about every other mare in the house, had been sneaking peeks at his rear end whenever they thought he wasn’t looking.

‘Hope that doesn’t become a running theme tonight.’

Putting those thoughts aside, Anon was close enough now that he could sneak a peek at exactly what DVD Silken is looking at.

‘Uncut Historical Royal Memoirs, 500 AHW (After Hearth’s Warming)?’

“You know, I’m surprised Pike lets you have these,” Silken said. He was surprised she heard him coming up behind her with all this noise.

‘That’s some Pike-tier hearing right there.’

Speaking of Pike, Anon took the DVD himself and laughed a little. “Oh yeah, she only tolerates these because we let her shit-talk them the whole time.” Uncut Historical Royal Memoirs was a series of historical reenactments, all narrated by Celestia herself. Expectedly, Pike had a lot to say about that. “Last time we watched this she had us take a drink every time Celestia’s flanks were mentioned. It was... a lot more often than I’d expected.”

Silken chuckled before snatching the DVD from Anon and sticking it back on the shelf. “I can’t blame her for that one. You know, the lead Fleur De Lis, a real slender-type unicorn, right?”

Anon nodded; apparently she was the only actress tall enough that the crew didn’t need their lead on stilts to make it look authentic.

“Word is, the Princess wasn’t too happy about her build. So they had to hire an illusion mage to come out just to give poor De Lis a fake flank!”

‘Pffffffft no way!’

Anon couldn’t decide what’s funnier: how absurd that sounded, or how believable it was that Celestia would go through that kind of trouble. Either way, it had the two of them in stitches.

“Jeez, talk about an ego trip!” Anon would have to tell that one to Pike later; she’ll absolutely eat that up.

The laughter kept the two of them going for a while, but not forever. Which in the end, left them with naught but an awkward silence.

“Heh, heh,” Silken chuckled a bit awkwardly. “yeah.”

‘Shit, I have no idea what to talk about.’

The two of them just sort of stood there for a bit, the conversation awkwardly coming to a screeching halt, made worse by the ever-present noise of the party around them. Frankly, Anon felt pretty bad right then. He’d had Silken come under the pretense that this was just going to be a friendly get-together, and it had been horribly mutated beyond recognition. She was clearly not enjoying herself either, considering she's just standing here off to the side.

‘I’d better say something, apologize even.’

“Hey, Silken, I’m really sorry tonight turned out like this. There really weren’t supposed to be this many people. I... I don’t even know where most of them came from and—”

Thankfully, right as Anon was getting worried that the sentence was getting away from him, she cut him off. “Anon, it's fine. I can tell this is pretty far from the shindig you had planned.” As she continued, she glanced out across the room, grimacing ever so slightly. “And it's not bad or anything, but I can’t say how long I’ll stick around. It's not really my scene, you know?”

Oh, did he know.

He definitely couldn’t fault her for that. The stallion could kick all these people out, but that would be a huge pain. Plus, he was pretty sure none of them were total strangers; whichever ones he didn't recognize from the office, Pike seemed to recognize them from the guard. So kicking them out would probably just make things horribly awkward for all parties; better to just ride it out and try again another night.

“But hey, at least I knew one of the ponies who showed up!” Suddenly Silken turned away from Anon and shouted across the room. “Eeey~yo?”

‘Huh, the shout had an almost musical undertone to like, like a bird chirping.’

Fittingly, the response did too.

“Eeeyoo~oo!” The voices’ source trotted out of the crowd shortly after. It was a light blue colored Pegasus, with a cutie mark displaying a cloud in front of the sun. Anon didn’t recognize her from the office, so with a nickname like “Sunny,” he’d have to bet Dayguard.

“Sunny,” Silken greeted her, “I wanted you to meet our host, Anonymous.”

Sunny smiled at him, it was the kind of sleazy smile a frat dude would give when he realized he wasn’t at a sausage party. “Ahh our host with the most,” she said, sticking out her hoof. “Sunlit Vista, Wonderbolt.”

‘A Wonderbolt? Well, isn’t that serendipitous.’

“Part-time,” Silken mockingly added.

“Hey! I’ve flown a whole two missions with them now, I might as well be on the A-team!”

‘Oh, dang. Not so serendipitous, then.’

She probably knew absolutely nothing about Wind Rider. That said, she might have some info he could use.

Anon returned her hoofbump.

“It's good to meet you, Sunlit. I was actually hoping to run into a Wonderbolt...”

Meanwhile, Nocturnal Pike was chillin’ with her sisses. She certainly wasn't expecting nearly the whole squad to roll up, but she wasn’t complaining either. It was nice to do stuff as a group besides poker. Cut seemed a little overwhelmed, but Pike was sure she could handle it. She’s a big filly.

“Okay, but he’s crazy in the shack though, right? I heard the bratty ones are the stallions who buck like ANIMALS!” Astral must have a secret crush on Blueblood or something, because she was not letting this go.

“I-I dunno! I guess?” Rook answered nervously. “Please, can we change the subj—”

“Hey, Anon, is NOT bratty!” Cut drunkenly yelled.

Pike nearly facehoofed as in an instant, all eyes were completely focused on her.

Cut, of course, handled this very well, ducking behind her forehooves and letting out an, ”Eeep!”

With Blueblood all but completely forgotten, Astral bore down on Cut, grinning like a hyena. “But he does buck like an animal, eh?”

Cut futility tried to retreat further behind her hooves. “W-Well I uh, I don’t know if h-he’d be happy with me saying...”

‘Luna’s sakes, Cut, like Anon’s ever shied away from bragging.’

Chugging the rest of her drink, knowing full well she’d need it for what was coming next, Pike answered for her.

“Yeah, he goes pretty hog wild.”

Cut breathed a visible sigh of relief as once again, all eyes shifted — this time, toward Pike. The mares unfamiliar with him had predictably neutral to impressed reactions, while the mares that knew him were a little more varied. Astral herself started laughing triumphantly, while Night and Rook both looked a little shocked.

“I hadn’t pegged him for the type...” Rook mumbled under her breath.

“WOAHAHAHAH! That’s amazing!” Astral squeezed in between guffaws. “I knew he was a real firecracker!” Taking to the air, and spiking Pike’s anxiety as she did, Astral sort of drunkenly flopped around in the air. She was attempting to mime something, but Pike had no idea what until she spoke up again. “Ahehe, does he toss you around sometimes? Use that size he’s got to pin you?”

“Yeah.”

That... Pike didn’t mean to say that. It just sort of slipped out.

Astral stopped mid-air and hung perfectly still.

All the hairs on Pike’s neck started standing up as everypony seemed to lean in toward her just a little bit.

“Pike... are you into maledom?” Astral asks.

‘Oh stars, poker face, don’t fail me now!’

“N-No.”

Pike dared not open her mouth again, lest she spoil the lie. She even tried to make eye contact with Astral to sell it, but unfortunately, that seemed to backfire.

She is Pike’s best friend, after all.

“YOU TOTALLY ARE!”

It was an even split among the gathered ponies between surprise and laughter. The only exception was Cut, who was blushing like a tomato and avoiding eye contact with anypony in the room.

‘I feel that, sister.’

Astral started laughing so hard she actually fell out of the sky to land back on the chair she was sitting in before. “Bwahaha! Pike, into maledom! To think I’ve known you for all these years and never knew!”

Pike felt her heart start to sink.

‘Calm down Pike, this isn’t the end of the world. Liking it rough from Anon is hardly the worst secret you’ve been keeping.’

“S-So, *ahem* So what? He’s a big guy; I like it when he takes advantage of that.”

‘Ooooh I don’t like that look on Night’s face.’

It was the face she made whenever she solved a mystery before anypony else had: smirking, with one eyebrow raised. “Noct, is that why you’ve always had a thing for bigger colts?”

‘EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!’

“Well no but...”

“Come on, Night!” Astral came to Pike’s rescue, “It's probably just natural. She’s like a midget, it’d be impossible for her not to find colts bigger than her! Hahahaha!”

Normally Pike would protest that, and a large part of her wanted to, but frankly, she was much happier about the change in subject than she was mad about being called short.

At least for the moment.

“What about you, Ms. Simp?” Astral said as she abruptly turned on Cut. “Surely Mr. Anonymous must push your buttons in some special way.”

“Yeah, tell us!” Cloak’s voice nearly made Pike jump. She’d forgotten that Cloak had put herself behind the two of them; she’d been dead silent this whole time.

‘Bucking NightStalkers.’

“We’ve got dirt on Pike, now we need yours too!” Cloak continued.

‘Luna, I wish she wouldn’t phrase it like that.’

It clearly had Cut weirded out too: she was just frantically looking around at everypony and stammering out half-formed syllables.

‘Poor Cut.’

‘Wait…’

Pike just had an idea!

‘And Cut could really use the ego boost…’

Pike knew what to say now, and when she spoke, it was with absolute confidence. “It's that Anon likes to suck her brains out through her tits.”

Once again, all the conversations stopped dead in their tracks. This time, shock was the universal expression. Everypony silently looked between Pike and Cut. The earth pony’s cheeks burned brighter than the sun as she tried to shift her back legs to hide her generous assets, but it was no use; all eyes were on them.

“Really?” Astral asked.

“Yeah,” Pike Said. “He’s got a pretty massive fetish for them.”

Everypony was silent for a moment more, before it was broken by something unexpected.

Cloak... cheering...?

“AHA! I told you for years! YEARS! And you never believed me! Stallions who like teats DO exist!” She slapped Cut right on the back. “And look at you now, your dream colt is sucking you silly! You must be the luckiest bitch on the planet!”

Of all the ponies to have infectious enthusiasm, Pike never would have expected Cloak to be able to move anypony. Yet, as she cheered her sister on...

“Well I’ll be darned.”

“What’s it like having your nipples sucked?”

“I-I always thought mine were a little big, do you think he’d—?”

The gathered ponies all started smiling. Cut herself looked like she had no idea how to react; this is probably the most positive attention she’d had at once in her whole life.

Eventually though, she started beaming like the sun.

“W-Well,” she started, “It's kind of like...”

“It was cool meeting you, stal, now if you don’t mind Imma get myself some nachos.”

Anonymous the unicorn bid Sunlit Vista adieu as she headed off for snacks. She didn’t have any information about Wind Rider, unsurprisingly, but she did tell him that Spitfire herself would be in town within the week. Apparently she was the guest of honor at some foals’ charity thing. Now that was a score! She’d be a goldmine, no doubt about that.

Anon never expected to make progress on the Rider case tonight, but he supposed the best things in life are surprises.

As Sunlit Vista made her way back to the snack table, Anon became dimly aware of the fact that with so many extra ponies, he was running out of snacks much faster than he expected.

‘Shit, I should probably get back to the kitchen and make more at some—.’

“Me and Sunny go way back. All the way back to flight school,” Silken began, unintentionally interrupting his train of thought. “She always wanted to be a Wonderbolt, but she could never quite make the cut. I say her making the Dayguard is just as impressive, but what do I know?”

Anon turned back to her and shrugged. “The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.”

Silken laughed, but it had a hard edge to it. “Heh, don’t remind me.”

“ANON!” a voice shouted across the party. Looking towards its source, he spied Astral calling him over. “Anon, get over here!”

He looked at Silken and gestured his head toward the table. “Come on, let’s see what this is about.”

She followed without fuss, and the two of them joined the group of mares all gathered around Pike and Cut. His heart skipped a beat at the way the two of them were literally surrounded, but Cut beaming like a sunflower set his mind at ease. As Anon and Silken abroached, the circle opened up just a bit, allowing him and Silken to sit down and join them.

The questions started the moment he did.

“Did you actually make the cumshot for them!?” Astral nearly shouted.

‘Oh, that’s what this is about?’

‘Kind of a letdown honestly.’

Anon made a sort of half-shrug. “Yeah.”

Immediately the whole circle dissolved into a dozen other questions and side conversations. Some were asking about other sex moves, others were asking Pike what the shot tasted like, and some were asking what the cumshot even was.

It was chaos.

Amid the chaos, Anon felt Silken elbow him from her place next to him. “Did you really?” she asked.

Anon shrugged once more. “Yep, I don’t really know what the big deal about it is. The two of them said it wasn’t even that good.”

Silken chuckled at him. “You know, most stallions’ would consider their fillyfirends asking them to cum inside a shot glass for them ‘debasing’ and ‘humiliating’.”

“Yeah well, most stallions are on some shit.”

“Ha!” she chuckled again, “I guess so. Say that reminds me—”

“WAIT!” This time Astral did shout. “Anon, listen this is important!”

Not wanting to leave a friend hanging, Anon refused to acknowledge Astral at first, instead giving Siken a chance to continue. She just nodded toward Astral, so he turned towards the mare as well. “Hm?”

Astral leaned in and lowered her voice. She was shouting before though, so after lowering it she was only back to ‘nearly shouting’.

“Have the three of you done anal?” She sounded more excited by the prospect than she should.

Especially since he was about to let her down.

“God no, absolutely not.”

“WHAT!?” every mare at the table shouted.

Anon was surprised to see that it included Pike and Cut. They’d never even asked him before!

He supposed they just hadn’t worked up the nerve.

“Why not!?” shouted Astral.

“What do you mean, ‘why not'?” Anon retorted as his face contorted in disgust. “It's gross, that’s why! I don’t want poop on my dick!”

“Come on!” she continued, “That’s what all stallions say! You did the freaking cumshot!”

“Yeah,” Anon said, his annoyance starting creeping into his voice. “And all stallions are right about that one. Why would you even want to do it?!” He threw up his hooves in exasperation. “It's not like there are pleasure nerves IN your butthole!”

Astral raised her hoof, already trying to fire back. “Actually—”

Only to stop dead as Anon’s statement fully dawned on her. As she visibly tried to puzzle out a good response, her gaze slowly dropped along with her hoof. All the way until her hoof was down and she was staring right at the floor.

The rest of the circle lapsed into awkward silence with her; no one was quite able to answer Anon’s question.

Well, until Rook spoke up, that is.

“I dunno, I thought it felt pretty good.”

This time, Anon joined in as everyone shouted, “BLUEBLOOD DOES ANAL!?”

Chapter 58

View Online

Silken Evening really had to respect Anon. A lot of stallions weren’t willing to speak half as candidly as he was. There were no double entendres, and no hidden feelings; what you saw is what you got. So while everypony was preoccupied with laughing their flanks off after learning the Prince of Equestria liked to do mares in the butt, Silken had something to ask him.

“Hey.”

Anon was still giggling when he turned away from the poor mare that just blew the Prince’s secret. “Heh, hehehe heehehe. What is it?”

“How would you like to make a couple extra bucks?”

His face scrunched at Silken’s question. “Doing... what exactly?”

‘Oh Celestia dang it Silken don’t phrase it like that! You just made it sound like you’re going to ask him to turn hugs downtown.’

“My model just quit, and I need somepony I can trust not to be weird about it.”

Silken could tell he was still on the fence as an eyebrow shot up. “Weird, how?”

She internally groaned at the memory. It'd happened dozens of times over her career at this point, but the experience has never stopped sucking. It always happened the same way, too. First, she’d bring on a promising new model to model her outfits. Next, Silken would make it clear right from the start that this was strictly a business relationship, and they’d agree every time.

But after a few months, it invariably fell apart.

“The stallions I hire always read too much into it. They model one too many outfits for me and suddenly it becomes, ‘Oh, I can’t stand this tension!’ Or ‘We need to stop playing with each other and admit how we feel!’”

Her mocking impression of her former employees was the kind of thing a vindictive HR department manager would have had a field day with. Anon just ate it up though, bringing back the same laughter he’d only just managed to shake. “Bwah hahaha!”

Which only further proved to Silken that he was the perfect stallion for the job.

“Then I say I don’t poop where I eat and if they don’t quit on the spot, they’ve quit about a week later.” Putting her hooves on his withers, Silken looked directly into his eyes and pleaded. “Please ‘Non. I think I’m going to run out of stallions in Canterlot at this rate.”

If her tone sounded desperate, it's because she was. It was starting to wear on her nerves, especially after the last guy. He’d lasted longer than any of the others; Silken thought she’d finally found a true business partner.

Then it all came crashing down again.

“You don’t even need to quit your job. Just swing by my place a couple of times a week and let me use you as a mannequin!” Silken was practically begging.

Anon looked away from her to think, but he had a smile on his face that gave her a good feeling.

“Hm, won’t I make a bad mannequin though? I’m not exactly of average build.”

Silken didn’t even need to think about the words before they came spilling out. “A little extra work adjusting each outfit is more than worth not needed to find a new model every few months.”

His smile grew as he met her gaze once more. “Pay?”

“Twenty bits an hour plus a discount on anything you buy from me. I know how much you like dressing up your mares.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Silken noticed that the creeper who was hanging out behind Cut had just looked up at her. Silken was about to say something, but before she could, the mare slid back over the backside of the couch and disappeared.

‘Wierdflank.’

“I’ll do it!” Anon suddenly said, much to Silken’s relief.

‘Thank Celestia on high!’

Silken was nearly crying with joy.

‘What a relief!’

Silken couldn’t hide her megawatt smile if she tried. “Then I’ve got some ideas I want to run by you. Let’s find a little privacy...”

It’d been a wild night. So wild that Nocturnal Pike wasn’t sure when it was going to end!

Her squad’s little pow-wow eventually fell apart, scattering everypony across the party. Pike's simply been adrift in the sea of ponies: drinking, chatting, and smiling.

With a heavy emphasis on drinking.

After talking to some mares from Anon’s office of all places, Pike had come to suspect the one who brought all these ponies here was Cloak. She’d overheard Pike talking to Astral, and she seemed to spread the word.

The why, though, was anypony’s guess.

Spite? Trying to force her sister to make some new friends?

Pike had no idea. She hadn't even seen Cloak around in a while, so she couldn’t even ask. But, the absolute worst part was all the ponies she’d brought were eating up Anon’s snacks far faster than anypony anticipated! And Pike couldn’t have that.

Luckily Anon had left out all his recipe notes, so while he and Silken were off discussing... whatever they’d been discussing for the past few hours, it fell to Pike to finish preparing all the stuff he bought. For some reason she had a very strong feeling that she shouldn’t be doing this, but another sip of cider sent those feelings right down the drain!

‘Wheeeeeeeeee!’

‘Take another sip, put some hot sauce in the pot.’

‘Take another sip, add some cream cheese to the pot!’

Whatever this buffalo dip stuff was, it sure sounded good on paper. And, no offense to Anon, Pike was pretty sure it’d be better now that she was making it. She is the princess of this kitchen, after all.

“Pike? What are you doing?” Pike recognized that voice: it’s Astral. Which shouldn’t surprise her; half the squad was there tonight, after all! Which is why she was in there cooking... for them... in front of them...

‘Oh no.’

“Has he seriously got you cooking?!” Astral nearly chokes on her own laughter as she says it. “Hahaha! First the maledom thing and now this! I’m learning so much about you tonight!”

Adrenaline flooded Pike’s veins, which unfortunately made all that alcohol she’d been drinking hit her even harder.

‘Don’t panic, whatever you do, don’t panic. You can still get out of this easily.’

“Well, uh, yeah. It's a mare’s job to help out and—”

Astral howled with laughter once again. “I cannot believe the Nocturnal Pike is saying this to me right now. Oh mare, if the you of one year ago was hearing this, she’d flip!”

Sure, Pike might’ve acted like she was flipping. But deep down...

‘No, Pike, focus! Stay on track.’

“HEY!” came a voice from the floor, “D-DON’T knock Pike’s cooking until you’ve tried it!” It was Cut, and she was so sloppily drunk she was one step away from passing out. She was even lying on the floor already. “Don’t tell my Dad,” she slurred, “But I think she might be even better than him.”

Suddenly, Cut looked panicked. “Wait, don’t tell Cloak I said that either!”

‘Come on, Cut! That’s a really sweet compliment but REALLY not what I want Astral to hear right now!’

Pike’s heart continued to sink as Astral predictably grinned. “Hey, Night,” she shouted, “Come check this out!”

‘Oh no no no no no!’

‘Not my number one AND my number two!’

‘Maybe Night didn’t hear her, the party’s pretty loud and—’

‘—aaaand here she comes.’

“What?” Night Glider asks before taking a swig.

“Check this out!” Astral said, gleefully pointing toward Pike. “Pike COOKS!”

“Wha?” Night asks before slowly turning her head towards the mare in question.

As fast as she could, Pike put the pot she was holding back on the stove and turned the stovetop off. She was certain that by the time Night actually looked at her, her wings were empty and nothing was out of the ordinary!

‘...Aaaaand she just spit out her drink.’

“What the buck?” Night asked, genuinely stunned.

‘Okay, this is bad. This is really really bad.’

‘But it's not the worst! They just know you like cooking... and maledom. You can still salvage this!’

“Oh,” came a fourth voice. “Is this yours then, Sarge?”

Time seemed to slow down, as Pike’s body was frozen in horror. Out from between Night and Astral, came a third member of Pike’s squadron.

Cloak N. Dagger.

And she was carrying Pike’s apron. The colt’s lingerie she occasionally danced around the apartment with while she cooked for Anon.

‘Oh no. Oh no no no no. Oh no no no no no no.’

Pike didn’t even notice that Astral had started talking again. “Okay, that is too far you bucking freak. Raiding her stallion’s drawers for his lingerie, what the actual buck is wrong with you?”

There was a feeling of tightness in Pike’s chest. She was trying to keep a straight face, but she could barely breathe.

Cloak took a horrified step back, but Pike didn’t even notice. “I-I just saw it with Anon’s stuff a-and thought it’d be funny...” she stammered.

But Pike neither truly saw nor heard her; all she could manage to focus on was the baby blue apron hanging on her wing.

‘Why is that here, why does she have it?’

“She’s right, Dagger,” Night added, “we’ve put up with a lot from you over the years, but that is too much. Do you know how many of our subordinates are here!?”

Pike herself was keenly aware.

“Besides, that wasn’t even a good joke. Just because she’s into maledom doesn’t mean she’d wear stallion’s lingerie! That’s just cruel!” Night turned to Pike. “Right P— ...Pike?”

The mare must have looked like a fish who’d jumped out of its tank. Every fiber of her being was focused on trying not to react, but it was impossible.

Her poker face was cracking.

Pike’s chest was so tight she could barely breathe; she wanted to scream.

She wanted to run out the door and keep running until that feeling stopped.

Never in her life had she had a panic attack, but Pike’s guard training had thoroughly familiarized her with the symptoms. And she was about to have one, right there in front of her whole squad.

That thought made it so much worse.

‘Oh Luna, I’m going to scream, I’m going to—’

“YOU!”

A couple of precious moments before:

Silken and Anonymous the unicorn had been discussing new ideas for the past hour, maybe longer.

“And that’s what I want to do for my new O&O tie-in line. That just leaves...” Unexpectedly, she tailed off mid-sentence, something behind the stallion catching her eye. “What the buck?”

Looking over his shoulder, Anon asked, “What is it?” but Silken didn’t need to answer. Standing there, in the kitchen, was Cut’s sister holding Pike’s apron.

Anon whirled around to face the bedroom door, and saw it was wide open.

‘God damn it, when did she get in there!?’

Whirling back to the kitchen, he saw a much more concerning point. Pike was shaking horribly and gasping for air.

‘Oh my God, is she about to have a panic attack?’

Anon frantically scanned the room. Thankfully, nopony else had noticed yet.

‘Fuck, I’ve got to do something fast.’

‘If she actually has a full-blown panic attack right here, right now…’

Losing her composure like that in front of her squad would kill her.

Cut was on high alert too; Anon could see her scrambling to her hooves in order to try and do something. But it wouldn’t be enough, as she could barely stand.

Anon’s mind raced. He had to find something that would get all attention off of Pike and keep it off of her.

‘But what!? As long as there are ponies here then—’

‘Wait, that’s it!’

‘I’ve got to get them out of here!’

Anon’s countenance lit up. Stallions are known for being bitchy, and his reputation was already that of a weirdo! He’d make a bigger embarrassment of himself right here, right now, than Pike ever could!

‘I just need a reason! Some stupid reason!’

His eyes tore the scenery apart, desperately hoping to find some faux-pas he could use before it's too late.

Then, he saw it.

On the couch there was a mare from the office drinking from a bottle.

And she’d just put that bottle on his end table without a coaster.

“Sorry, gotta go!” he said to Silken before pouring magic into his horn.

This shit had to be big from start to finish, and he had just the trick up his sleeve to do it. In a flash, Anon teleported across the room directly onto his coffee table—and right in front of the mare. The stallion appeared in a burst of magic and brimstone that sent various cups and bottles flying. He didn’t even give her a moment to process this before he started shouting.

“YOU!”

The party fell silent.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”

All eyes were on Anon and the poor mare.

‘Perfect.’

She looked terrified, too. The table only added to his already unnatural height, letting him tower over her and the very low couch.

“Uh, I’m drinking?” she weakly answered.

“And putting that drink down where, exactly?” he asked, leaning in closer.

She grew increasingly flustered as her eyes looked to the end table. “O-On the table?”

“Without. A. Coaster?”

Her eyes widened and she swallowed. “W-Without a coaster.”

Anon stood up to his full height, channeling all the anger he felt towards Cut’s sister for invading his privacy. “And how many of you have been DRINKING without coasters?”

He saw a good portion of the party raise their hooves and he knew he’d hit the jackpot. So before he started smiling, he started shouting.

“GET OUT! ALL OF YOU, OUT!”

Anon started pointing around the room at every mare who admitted to forgoing a coaster.

“YOU! OUT OF MY HOUSE! YOU, OUT! I WANT ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!”

He started launching out a few lightning bolts for effect—not real ones of course, but that spellbook said they were so authentic they ‘might start a stampede'.

And boy did they.

All the mares he called out immediately charged for the door, most of them leaving their drinks where they lay. Even the ones he hadn’t called out had started nervously eyeing the door.

He needed more.

‘Time to go even more unhinged.’

Without missing a beat, he pointed at one of the mares from his office. “YOU! Your coat color is UGLY! UGLY UGLY UGLY! THE ONLY MARE THAT KEPT YOU FROM CLASHING WITH MY CARPET IS GONE! GET OUT!”

She and a few others wasted no time booking it, revealing something he hadn’t seen. There, on the living room carpet, was some nacho cheese. Nacho cheese that had been there for hours, and been stamped INTO THE CARPET.

Instantly, Anon’s rage stopped being an act.

Pointing right at the stain, he screamed his loudest scream yet. “WERE ALL OF YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING BARN!? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT’S GOING TO TAKE ME TO CLEAN!? GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!”

He held that scream on the last word, all the while firing off lightning bolt after lightning bolt from his horn. Even Astral and Night were fleeing for their lives, leaving only Cut, Pike, Silken, and himself. The last one out the door was actually Cloak, and right as she was crossing the threshold, he sent out a dozen conjured hands to pick her up and toss her the rest of the way out. The last he heard from her was a painful-sounding thud as he slammed the door behind her.

Once the door was closed and he was entirely sure they were gone, he slumped straight down. All the energy had left him so fast he nearly tumbled off the table. He caught himself at the perfect moment though, and instead safely stepped down to the floor.

‘Thank God for Pike’s low-ass furniture.’

Before he could address the situation with Pike, the sound of clapping distracted him.

It was Silken. Her jaw was nearly on the floor, but she was clapping. “That was... wow,” she said.

Anon trotted over to her. “Tha—”

Holy shit, his voice was so horse (heh) he could barely hear himself. “Ahem ahem ahem. Thank you.”

‘Damn, I’m definitely losing my voice after that.’

“I’m sorry Silken,” he pressed out, “but I’m going to have to ask you to leave too.”

She shrugged. “It's fine, I get it. Go make sure she’s okay.”

And just like that, Silken took off right out the window Astral had originally come in through.

Anon wasted no time after that, sprinting back over to the kitchen where he found Cut wordlessly huddling over Pike, shielding her from the world. As Anon approached, she leaned back so he could see.

Pike had completely passed out, but not before throwing up all over poor Cut’s underside.

It seemed that all the adrenaline and alcohol had taken their toll.

Anon gave Cut a pat on the shoulder for a job well done. “Good going, Cut. Now let’s get you two cleaned up and all of us into bed.”

He’d have to talk with Pike about what happened, but not now. Now it was time for bed.

But if there was one upside to all of this, he’d learned one thing for sure tonight:

‘When it comes to making sure parties are wild, you’ve still got it.’

Chapter 59

View Online

“I’m not apologizing.”

Anonymous the Unicorn found himself standing dumbfounded in the Canterlot Canterer offices. He could hardly believe what he was hearing! Cut, apparently, felt incredibly strongly about something he’d said to one of the mares he kicked out of the apartment last night.

It was all a little fuzzy around the edges; apparently he’d actually teleported? Anonymous had been studying up on how to do it, sure, but he’d never been able to work up the nerve to try it out.

‘Guess all I needed was a little liquor to grease the wheels.’

That was neither here nor there, though. What was there was Cut, and she was very upset that he’d screamed at one of their coworkers about how ugly her coat was.

“Come on. That was really mean!”

He didn’t feel the same.

‘Really, why’s she making such a big deal about this?’

Even as the two of them whispered at each other just outside of the mare’s cubicle, Anon couldn’t bring himself to feel bad for her. “So? I’ve personally heard her talk shit about how you look, Cut! If anything she deserves it!”

Not to mention all the catcalling she’d done to him. She was one of the worst when he’d started, which is probably why his tipsy brain had singled her out to begin with! It used to be every fucking day.

Besides, she’s a mare! Shouldn’t she be able to handle it? If some dude back home shouted that he’d had an ugly skin color, Anon would probably just think they were insane. Or racist, he supposed.

As if she could read his thoughts, Cut gently stomped one of her forehooves. “That’s wrong, Anon, you shouldn’t think like that.”

‘Look at her, sticking to her guns! She’s come a long way.’

“P-Ponies don’t hold things against each other like that, we apologize and forgive each other!” Anon just barely caught when Cut started to nervously turn her other forehoof. “Besides, hearing a stallion say things like that... it really hurts.”

And now he saw why she felt that way. She’d probably been there.

‘...who am I kidding, she's definitely been there.’

The crushing weight of that knowledge and Cut’s puppy dog eyes weighed heavily on Anon’s resolve. But he had his own guns to stick to. This mare had certainly never apologized to Cut, why did she deserve better from him?

‘Fuck being the bigger person that shit’s bull. I’ve been dealing with these mares’ crap for MONTHS!’

He’d earned a little pettiness, as a treat.

“I get where you’re coming from, Cut, I really do. But no.”

Cut sighed, hanging her head. Her disappointment in Anon was palpable.

It was almost enough to break him.

“Alright... I didn’t want to do this...” Suddenly she met his gaze, a newfound fire in her eyes. “Do it or my bra won't come off for a week.”

‘Fuck!’

J. Jargon Justification found herself doing what she did on most days: sitting at her desk and doing absolutely no work.

However, for once she was focused on something most ponies might actually consider important: her employee Anonymous, apologizing to one of her editorial columnists, Printed Word.

It was something that made her sigh in relief.

For an office with only one stallion, word still got around fast. Oh yes, Jargon knew about the party. She knew how it ended, too.

It was... troubling news, to say the least.

While most of the office mares were willing to write it off as a classic case of a stallion blowing things out of proportion, Jargon wasn’t so sure. She didn't get to where she was today by being clueless about stallions' feelings after all: just willfully ignorant of them.

‘And I’d be a fool to willfully ignore this colt’s feelings! Not only is my niece’s future riding on this lad, but so’s my dang paper!’

Looking down at the menagerie of papers on her desk, Jargon’s eyes were immediately drawn to the sales figures. She’d freely admit she’d never really been a humble mare, but even her pride couldn’t hide the truth. Tender Care was right, stallions were an untapped market. Jargon’s paper’s growth had been nothing less than explosive. So much so that even the other newspapers were looking into recruiting stallion reporters now. Never in her life would she have thought she’d refer to a colt as a “moneymaker” in this sense!

Which made this outburst all the more troubling.

Jargon bet she knew where it came from at least, and it wasn’t because her niece wasn’t draining his balls enough. The answer lay on the calendar stuck midway up the wall over to her right.

Hearthswarming.

Hearthswarming may be a time for community, but it's more so a time for family. For herds just starting out, it can be fairly nerve-wracking, especially for the stallion; their family is their life, after all. That first time, everypony always looks back on all their wonderful memories from when they were growing up, wondering if the family they’re building will be as happy and carefree as theirs was...

Jargon was fine for her first, of course; there was never any doubt that she’d knock it outta the park. But her husband! Ooooh mare, he nearly wore a hole in the floor with all the pacing he did. That was the real reason stallions shouldn’t be in the workforce: their temperament. It's too fragile. Her poor Press couldn’t get a hold of himself until the lot of them had made it back to Ponyville to celebrate with his parents. Which Jargon imagined was the story of almost every herd’s first Hearthswarming.

But Anon wouldn’t get that. She’d never found out why, admittedly having given up at the first missive she’d received that was covered in black bars, but Jargon knew that whatever brought him here was one way. He’d probably never see his family again.

To be perfectly honest, she would’ve been more worried if he hadn’t started acting up as it got closer to the holidays. Sure, he told Care that he was, “as social as any other average Amareican,” and she was too polite to call him out on it.

But Jargon had seen right through those whimsical horseapples since day one!

There are more ways for stallions to act up than there are stars in the sky, and it’s obvious that for Anonymous, the closer to the end of his rope he is, the more antisocial he gets. Abnormally so for a stallion.

‘Shame that such a big sack comes with such a big red flag.’

But Cut, her niece, was the exact same way — which is why Jargon had stuck them together in the back in the first place. She’d figured they’d make a great couple, and she was right (of course)!

She’d hate for those antisocial tendencies to undo all the progress he’d made over the past couple of months though. Anonymous had come so far from being the hermit who only showed up to deliver his stories and nothing else. And it was with no small amount of pride that Jargon watched Cut’s long-dormant marely instincts awaken. She was over there with him at Printed’s cubicle, leaning over his shoulder to try and coax him out of acting up.

If only Suck wasn’t off in Manehattan, she’d cry tears of joy seeing this.

But Jargon’s poor niece was clearly still naive in the ways of stallions, because if she wasn’t, she’d know it was a losing battle; the deck was just too stacked against her.

But Jargon was going to help out the best way she could! Anonymous was far too stubborn to admit that he needed some time off from work, so she’d just make him take it. The mare knew he was on the trail of something right now, so she’d let him see that through and then put him on leave.

Provided his behavior didn’t get too much worse before then.

‘Whichever comes first, really.’

“See, didn’t that make you feel better?” Cut asked, a pleased smile on her face.

As much as Anonymous the Unicorn wanted to stay obstinate, apologizing did make him feel a little bit better. Seeing the look on that poor mare’s face...

She was crushed.

He’d really fucked with her self esteem — much more than he’d realized. Which made it occur to him that his earlier analogy wasn’t quite right. If a girl screamed at him back home that his skin color was ugly, he probably would’ve taken some of it to heart too. Which he supposed made apologizing to her the right thing to do after all. Her coat wasn’t even that ugly, either. The neon orange went with her mane! ...mostly.

Anon was still feeling a little petty though, leaving him content to sit at his desk and grumble. “Yeah, yeah. I guess.”

Cut didn’t even need to see his face to see right through it immediately. It was that pathetic. But instead of gloating, she just giggled to herself before taking her seat next to him and diving back into her work. Of course, with a brand new smug smile he spied in the corner of his eye.

‘Yeah, yeah, yuck it up.’

‘She earned it this time.’

Anon noticed the two of them even got to chatting for a little bit after he’d awkwardly left. Maybe Printed learned a lesson from all this too?

‘God, I hope so.’

One less nuisance around the office would be a serious win in his book.

A win to counteract the absolute loss he had this morning; he couldn’t get anything meaningful out of Pike about what happened last night. She’d claimed it was all a blur, but the way she dodged his questions made it patently obvious she was actually just being evasive. Unfortunately, seeing as how it was the early morning and the three of them still had to go to work, there was basically nothing Anon could do about it. It was certainly not the ideal time for a heart to heart, especially considering how hungover the poor mare was.

Cut wasn’t any better at the time, but she really bounced back fast.

‘Perks of being an Earth Pony, I suppose.’

Unfortunately, that still left Anon stuck putting the issue on the backburner until the three of them were home today. Thank God today’s work will actually have him out and about; if he was stuck there at his desk all day, all he’d do was worry about it. And that small amount of worrying he’d just done simply thinking about thinking about the issue? It was enough to leave him feeling like he could crush a stress ball into a singularity. He shuddered to think what a whole day of worrying might do to him. The mares would probably call whatever happened “whimsey” but he doubted it would feel particularly whimsical.

‘Man, how do those harem anime protagonists do it? Just having two fillyfriends is stressing me out.’

‘Better find something else to focus on, FAST.’

With just a pinch of desperation, Anon started digging through the mess of drafts and research materials he called a “desk.” He’d been grabbing up everything he could about the Wonderbolts as of late; something had to reference the supposed charity show that mare was talking about last night.

‘Let’s see, summer camp recruitment flier? No.’

‘Article about bootleg flight suit sales being on the rise? No.’

‘Expose about some dude named Bench Warmer? No.’

“Uh, Anon? Are you alright?”

He looked up from his desk to catch Cut gazing at him with a great deal of concern.

‘But why? I’ve just been—’

‘Wait a second.’

Now that his focus had been interrupted, Anon realized he’d become covered in something. Little pieces of paper, to be exact. Because his magic had been shredding every piece of paper he’d picked up instead of putting them aside.

‘Fuck, I actually wanted to read that thing about Bench Warmer at some point.’

‘Maybe I should get an actual stress ball.’

Anonymous awkwardly cleared his throat before stuttering out, “I-I’m fine.”

He had to count his blessings that the only other person back there with him was Cut; he’d never live it down if anyone else saw that.

‘Say, while I’ve got her attention…’

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about a Wonderbolts show coming to town, would you?”

Cut blinked owlishly at him for a bit. Which was understandable, really. He supposed that would feel like a total non sequitur, coming right after she’d just watched him shred several documents.

“Well uh, I think Aunt Jargon mentioned something about how they threw together a show for Fountain’s Little Brother’s Orphanage. I think it’s...” She trailed off, before glancing toward a calendar stuck to the wall of her cubicle. “Oh, it's today! Starts in a couple of hours.”

‘A couple hours? Perfect!’

That gave him more than enough time to prepare. It might even be worth trying to reassemble that article about Bench Warmer.

“Why? Did you want to go?” Anon was about to answer when Cut’s face suddenly lit up. “Oh! You haven’t seen the Wonderbolts yet!” She said giddily, before adorably clapping her forehooves together in excitement. “We have to see if Auntie Jargon will give us the afternoon off! Although... we really shouldn’t go without Pike...”

Anon smiled to himself and slowly started to gather his things. The second the Wonderbolts came up, a familiar energy came into Cut’s voice. He could feel one of her excited tangents coming on, so it was best to just sit back and listen.

“Besides, I heard this is mostly going to be a group performance show. The stuff you really ought to see are the solo obstacle runs!”

Honestly he was a little surprised to see that she’s into the Wonderbolts. He’d figured an athletic show would be outside of her areas of interest, for obvious reasons.

‘Suppose you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and all that. Now where’d I put my hat?’

“I was in the crowd the day Firefly set the current record for the Triple Hoop Deluxe course. I couldn’t BELIEVE how lucky I was! Between you and me, I’m pretty sure she did it by adjusting her wing twelve degrees upward juuuuust after the second hoop.”

‘Wait a minute.’

Anon was midway through shoving papers into his saddlebag, but he stopped what he was doing to really listen in.

“Some ponies say she did it by flying an inch closer to the left side of that hoop, but that’s preposterous!”

The realization hit him like a bag of comically colored bricks.

‘Speedrunning, she’s talking about speedrunning.’

‘Cut goes to watch death-defying flight shows for the speedrunning!’

“She was going at least fifty miles an hour! How on Hearth would she have made the next turn if she flew that close to the hoop?”

‘Don’t laugh, Anonymous. Do NOT laugh.’

He did not want to have to explain the world of speedrunning to the poor mare. Channeling every bit of what Anon could call his “inner zen,” he desperately contained all the mirth inside him within a big, goofy smile on his face.

A smile that Cut noticed, causing her to trail off with the cutest blush. “A-And I uh, well, I think that makes it obvious why, um. Phew, is it hot in here?”

‘Awwww.’

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Anon realized he probably looked like a love sick puppy with his big dopey grin. Which wasn’t even untrue really, Cut loving speedrunning was adorably on brand for her. So seizing the moment, he leaned in and gave her a quick little peck on the cheek. It's something he’d done to her a hundred times by now, but she still lit up like a Christmas tree. She was redder than a tomato and feeling so bashful she could barely make eye contact with him!

As a guy back on Earth, he’d never have thought he’d be able to fluster someone this much with just a kiss. It was a bit of an odd feeling, but a nice one nonetheless.

‘Hmm, I should probably say something, cap the moment off.’

He had never been good at lovey-dovey stuff.

‘Uhhhhhh… Shit, just say something!’

“You’re my little sperg, Cut.”

‘...’

‘Of all the things to say…’

‘Why the FUCK did I say that!?’

“I’m your little what...?”

All at once, Anon was the one blushing madly.

‘How embarrassing!’

He turned away from her in a vain attempt to save his dignity and coughed into a hoof.

“Ahem. Don’t, uh, don’t worry about it.”

Chapter 60

View Online

Anonymous ended up going to the show alone. As fun as it would have been to go with Cut, the unicorn stallion really wanted to keep his trip focused on business, not pleasure. Plus, Cut was right: going without Pike felt wrong. So popping his Wonderbolts’ cherry turned out to, unfortunately, be a solo event.

And he certainly saw why they’re so popular: the show was thrilling.

To his human mind, it struck him as an interesting blend of a trapeze act and a flight show. He was a little worried they’d make it a light program, since the majority of the crowd were foals. However, much to his delight, they didn’t skimp out on the action and the stunts seemed just as death-defying as he presumed they always were. Cut was right about their program too: it was primarily made of group formations with almost no speed-running to be found.

Anon was fine with that. The group stunts seemed much more up his alley anyway.

He’d have to carve out a time for the three of them to go to a real show sometime; it would probably be a lot of fun!

But that was something for future Anon to take care of. Present Anon had a much more pressing matter to attend to: getting backstage.

Canterlot stadium wasn’t really that large (Unicorns must really not care for sports), and that was working quite to his disadvantage. A smaller stadium meant less places for Anon to slip past security, and so far, just about every possible avenue to get behind the scenes seemed to be closed off.

He could SEE the room that all the Wonderbolts went into from where he was standing. It was just down the hall, and all that was standing between the crowd of rowdy fans and the ‘Bolts were two ornery security mares. Two mares who were eyeing Anon like he was just another groupie they’d need to beat away with a stick. Well, him and every other cheering fan that’d managed to make it this far, as their eyes continued to scan the crowd for troublemakers.

‘Hmm, what to do.’

He’d tried flashing his press pass at an earlier choke point, but the security there just stonewalled him, and he doubted it’d go any different with these two.

‘Maybe I could try to disguise myself as a worker?’

‘No, where would I even get the outfit?’

Anon wracked his mind trying to come up with some clever way in, but he was, frankly, coming up with bupkis.

Well... except for one thing.

Teleporting.

He knew he could do it, he’d already done it. But without a couple beers in him, the idea of molecularly displacing himself was a little bit daunting — to say the least. Sure the spell boasted a dozen or so safeguards like “quantum tunneling in the event of geometric interface,” but jargon like that didn’t exactly fill him with confidence.

But then again, he had already done it once.

Odds are, if the spell could put him halfway through things, Anon would have ended up with a plate embedded in his leg last night. And he really didn’t fuckin’ feel like climbing through a window or something equally desperate.

With his mind made up, and attempting to stay as nonchalant as possible, he trotted away from the security guards. He would’ve attempted to disappear into the crowd of fans around him, but being no less than a head taller than everyone in the group kind of pushed that option off the table. He’d just have to settle for going around the nearest corner. Which technically violated one of the spell’s precautionary measures, that being keeping line of sight with your destination. But he’d seen the inside of the room he was aiming for, and he could easily see the area’s layout in his head. He could even rotate it!

That was something he wasn’t entirely sure any of the ponies could do, but Anon had long been too afraid of looking like an idiot to ask.

‘It’ll be fine, I’m only displacing myself in space-time by what, twenty meters?’

‘...Through a wall into a room I only kind of saw...’

‘Maybe I should just warp into the hallway itself? No, those two guards would grab me in an instant.’

It was either into the room or nowhere, and now that he’d made it around the corner, he needed to do it now — before he managed to talk himself out of it.

‘Alright.’

He took a deep breath in order to hype himself up.

‘Here goes...!’

Visualizing the magic formula in his mind, he sent the necessary energy into his horn to make it real. He could feel the rules of reality bending to shape themselves to his will. All of his senses compressed to a point, and then...!

‘THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!’

‘THIS WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA!’

“Bucking DONKEY! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!”

“Chef, you can’t say that!”

Instinctively, Anon ducked his head right as a frying pan sailed over it.

“What in Celestia’s name is wrong with you chef!? You almost hit that stallion!”

“GOOD!”

Anon’s hooves were thundering on the shitty tile as he charged full speed ahead through the kitchen. All the while, his eyes frantically darted around the room, desperately looking for an exit — or at least direction that put as much space as humanly possible between himself and the crazy mare behind him. Turns out the reason the spell recommended line of sight is because concepts like “relative position” and “distance” don’t mean a whole lot when you’re tearing a hole in the fabric of space.

“WE’RE GONNA NEED TO DEEP CLEAN OUR GRILL’S ATOMS! YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT TAKES!?”

Thanks to that, instead of ending up just behind the Wonderbolts, Anon had ended up in the stadium’s kitchen.

INSIDE one of their grills.

Praise be that the spell’s “quantum tunneling” attribute worked as advertised, and he was able to quite literally slip out of the grill unscathed. It looked like he’d opened up the console and turned on no clip. It felt absolutely FOUL. It wasn’t enough for just his skin to crawl as he dragged himself out of it, oh no; his internal organs, sinew and bones had to crawl along with it. It was an absolutely terrible experience, and he never wanted to feel like that again for as long as he lived.

And immediately being accosted by a crazy mare who was out for his blood certainly didn’t help.

A silvery something went whizzing by Anon’s head.

‘Jesus Christ that was a knife! She just threw a KNIFE at me!’

“WHAT THE HELLS WRONG WITH YOU!?” He yelled as the knife clattered against the wall. The only response was more expletives hurled his way as he barreled through some hapless line cook. In a testament to his size—or at least his momentum—, the poor mare’s impact against Anon’s body barely even slowed him down. He threw a quick “Sorry!” her way, but the deranged smile on her face as she went down made him regret it. He may also have heard her say something akin to “step on me daddy,” but his brain had immediately blocked it out for the sake of his sanity.

“WHY ARE YOU STILL IN MY KITCHEN!? GET OUT OF HERE!” screamed the chef.

“FUCK YOU I’M FUCKING TRYING!” Anon was coming up on his second lap around the kitchen, and he could see the exit.

‘Thank God.’

Doing his best early 2000s movie impression, Anon Tokyo Drifted his ass right around that corner and out the door. Not even wasting a moment, he picked a direction and kept running.

Only to realize he was running straight for the security checkpoint he had just tried to bypass.

‘Wow, so I went in the exact opposite direction I wanted to, great. Now I’ll have to — is she STILL chasing me!?’

The sounds of rapidly approaching hooves and a panicked glimpse behind him confirmed just that; she was STILL chasing him!

‘God damn it I’m not even in the kitchen anymore!’

Well, if nothing else, he now had his ticket past security: honesty.

“HELP!” Anon screamed, “SHE’S GOT A FUCKING KNIFE!”

Okay, maybe not total honesty. He didn’t see her with another one, but considering she’d already thrown one at his head, her brandishing another knife was definitely not out of the question! All the fans gathered around the checkpoint had started to scatter at the sound of Anon’s howling, and the fact he was barreling at them with the force of a freight train.

Well, almost all the fans.

As the sea of ponies parted, he saw a lone earth pony stallion standing right in the way. Too absorbed in an argument with some mare, the wiry, neon blue pony didn’t pay Anon even a moment’s heed. He couldn’t grasp any of the specifics of their argument, but one look at the stallion was enough for Anon to pick up the gist of it. The danger-hair colored earth pony was wearing a jacket covered from sleeves to collar in pins and slogans like “down with the matriarchy,” while shouting some nonsense about “the Wonderbolts’ crimes.” And like those types often were, he was so totally absorbed in meaningless bickering that he didn't see the problem that was about to hit him head on. Namely, Anon, shooting towards him at ramming speed.

‘Oh well, sucks to be him.’

Trying to minimize the imminent hit to his momentum, Anonymous attempted a last minute course correction to simply pass by the earth pony instead of slamming into him head on. Unfortunately, Anon still managed to clip him. Thankfully the blue pony was such a shrimp that Anon’s speed wasn’t impacted in the least. The earth pony was blown to the side though, showering both of them and the surrounding area with dozens of pins and pamphlets.

Anon didn’t even bother shooting the stallion a “sorry;” that one was all on him.

Luckily for him, this has the unintended side effect of clearing the way for the security ponies. The two of them sprang into action, charging past Anon and making a beeline for the crazed chef hot on his heels. And judging by the sounds that followed soon after, they’d immediately tackled her to the ground. The sounds of a struggle continued from there, as the chef’s speech rapidly degenerated into a mix of exclusively nonsense syllables and expletives. Anon assumed that meant she was fighting back, but he wasn’t about to stop to look.

‘This is my chance!’

Keeping up the pace, he headed straight for the door he’d seen the ‘Bolts go through earlier and practically threw himself through it.

Which turned out to be a very bad decision.

He’d done that expecting the door to be closed, or even locked.

It wasn’t.

So instead of absorbing his forward momentum like it was supposed to, Anon sailed right through the door—which sent him face first into the floor. The green unicorn ate shit, comically sliding a ways forward across the ground, just to add insult to injury. By the time he finally came to a stop, he’d made it decently far into the room.

‘Ow.’

Anon elected to just lay there and catch his breath, as the gravity of what just happened came rushing up to meet him like the floor did.

‘Jesus, that really could have gone south in a dozen different ways. Next time I should just go for a window or something.’

‘...Where am I, anyway?’

It wasn’t a conference room, considering he didn’t feel the sting of rug burn on his face. Instead, it felt almost like wet tile. And the ambient noise he was hearing... was that the sound of a shower running?

“See, Fleet? I told you stallions would still be throwing themselves at us, didn’t I?”

Chapter 61

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Anonymous couldn’t find the motivation to get up. He just laid there, chuckling to himself at the internal schadenfreude.

`Of course you just charged into the mares’ locker room like a maniac, of fucking course.`

‘Wait... does that even matter? It’s not like ponies care about others seeing them undress, am I even breaking an actual taboo here?’

“Is he alright? He hit the ground pretty hard there,” a new voice asked. Anon could hear hooves on the tile as more of the team approached him.

“We should probably call a doctor. Stallions have hollow bones, he might have broken something,” another voice spoke up.

“You idiot!” A third shouted, “He’s a unicorn! We’re the ones with semi-hollow bones!”

With said unicorn both wanting to end their asides and itching to get this awkward introduction over with, Anon let out a loud groan before forcing himself to his hooves. He doubted anything was seriously injured, but man was he sore. Having finally centered himself, he took in his surroundings and discovered they were exactly what he’d expected: something akin to a high-tier YMCA locker room, full of mares doing all the things he’d expect someone to be doing in a locker room. Undressing, stretching, showering…

And yet, nearly all of them had frozen in place, their eyes locked on him in awkward silence as he worked up the nerve to break the ice. Anonymous had never been particularly uncomfortable in front of crowds, but he couldn’t help but find their looks just the slightest bit unnerving. Capping off that feeling was the range of expressions he saw. Over to his right, the reactions he was getting were what he’d expect to see if a girl just barged into a fraternity locker room. The further left he looked however, the more they seemed to be... afraid? Some of them were even grimacing as they looked at his side.

‘Oh God, did I, like, cut myself open on a loose piece of tile or something?’

Hurriedly checking his side, Anon suddenly noticed he was covered in pins. Most of them were stuck to his saddlebag, but a few had managed to cling to his bare, fur coated self as well. They must’ve been magic or something, because he certainly didn’t feel like there were half a dozen pins jammed into his skin.

‘Wait a second, I recognize these! They’re from that dude I plowed into earlier!’

And taking a closer look at them, Anon realized they were covered in absolutely terrible slogans.
“Down With The Matriarchy” was okay, he supposed, but “Penis Power?” ‘Really?’

“It’s one of those guys Legal Ease warned us about!” one of the mares abruptly screamed. “Everypony, scatter!”
Almost all of the previously frozen ponies exploded into movement. Tearing their way past Anon, they went for doors, windows, lockers — anything that would put a barrier between him and them. Before he could even get a word out, the once packed room was practically a ghost town. Of the over a dozen mares originally in view, only a scant few remained. And by the sound of it, these mares must’ve been the bravest of the brave.

...Or the ones least concerned with legal repercussions.

Anon opened his mouth intending to clear up the misunderstanding, but the remaining mares didn’t give him a chance.

“Well well well,” said Spitfire as she strutted toward him, “what do we have here?” She openly started sizing him up, and he was sure she’d be trying to look down on him if he wasn’t so tall.

Stopping in front of the stallion, the Wonderbolt struck a pose Anonymous recognized immediately. It was the same pose Pike made whenever she wanted him to look at her chest fuzz, with her head pulled back while thrusting her chest forward. Spitfire had already unzipped her suit until it was below her chest, so it kind of worked, but her fur was all matted from being pressed by the suit and covered in sweat. Her actual tuft was much smaller than Pike’s too, and not in a cute way like Cut’s was. Frankly, Anonymous wasn’t entirely sure what Spitfire was even going for here. Sexy? Intimidating?

Either way, it wasn’t working.

“Come to hear some of our “locker room talk” with your own ears?”

Anonymous almost answered with a very enthusiastic “no,” but something stopped him. He may not have been all that familiar with the Wonderbolts, but what he’d seen seemed like a pretty serious departure from their public personas, especially Spitfire: she’d seemed like nothing but a consummate professional before now. But he supposed he shouldn’t be surprised: no matter the planet, jocks will be jocks. She even used the “locker room talk” meme! And just like back home, Anon was sure all kinds of shit was said behind closed doors that the team would never let slip in public — especially to someone like a reporter.

But with someone else — say, a random stallionist who barged into the locker room? That’s as far from a reporter as it gets! If Anon had been a reporter in the fifties, he sure as shit wouldn’t have used “hearsay from a feminist” as his source. And nobody else would either. The team would know that, too. And that meant they’d have no PR filter, and no reason to hold anything back.

‘Every off-color opinion and spicy detail, laid bare…’

The thought made him salivate. It seemed that the idiot at the entrance had accidentally given Anonymous a golden opportunity for an undercover investigation, and he was going to take it!

Thanking his lucky stars that they somehow hadn’t already noticed it, he quietly used his magic to fold the press pass on his hat in upon itself. A part of him was really looking forward to this: for once, he had a legitimate reason to antagonize an annoying source.

‘Just better make sure I don’t get too in character…’

Wanting to start strong, Anon made sure to do something he knew would get under Spitfire’s skin. Rising up to his full height, he made a deliberate show of looking down at Spitfire’s tuft. He could see her grinning at the edge of his vision, until one of his eyebrows went up. Anonymous stared down at that ratty-ass tuft like it was an unexpected hairball in his shower drain, and just when Spitfire got the picture, only then did he look up at her face.

‘She’s sure not grinning anymore!’

“As a matter of fact, I did. Especially anything pertaining to one particular stallion...”

“...Wind Rider.”

Fleetfoot, third wing of the Wonderbolts, had only heard one sentence from this oversized colt and she was already holding back tears of laughter.

‘Sweet Celestia, I wasn’t expecting this kind of after show entertainment!’

She’d never confess it, but she had to admit she was a little worried at first. The way he charged in, she almost could’ve been fooled into thinking he had some serious business. But it turned out that his “serious business” was Wind Rider. Wind Bucking Rider! Nopony gives a buck about Wind Rider! No pony! Only the most deranged stallionists would even consider that old stallion worth their energy, and this dude was waaay too calm to fit into that category.

Way too attractive, too.

No, Fleetfoot knew what he was really here for. Unlike Spits, Fleet had hung out with her fair share of stallions; by now she’d acquired an acute understanding of how they operated in the sheets AND the streets. And stallionists are creatures of pride. They want— no, they need to feel like they’re the ones in control. But at the end of the day they’re still stallions, and every stallion eventually gets a craving that brings them back to the shellfish buffet.

‘He’s clearly got it bad too! Running in here like a stallion possessed, and practically throwing himself at my hooves…’

And the way he stared down Spits’ tuft? Sure he tried to play it cool, but Fleetfoot, and everypony else, saw it all. He wasn’t fooling anypony! Well, okay, Spits looked like she was absolutely seething so he probably fooled her, but that’s besides the point; it was clearly an act, meant to keep up the stallion’s pride, just like this Wind Rider stuff.

But that was fine with her; she’d played this game before.

Spits was trying to stand tall enough to look him in the eyes, so she was obviously playing the bad cop, so Fleetfoot would play good cop; before they knew it, the two of them would have a good old fashioned gang bang on their hooves!

‘Buck hitting up the dress club, this is how you unwind after a show!’

Anonymous really wished he’d gone ahead and learned that mind reading spell after all. Sure, Pike was right, and it probably would have made him “a massive pain in the flank,” but God, he’d kill to know what exactly Spitfire was thinking. The mare was two-thirds your size and knew it, yet she was putting every angry atom of her being toward standing high enough on her tip-toes so that she could look him in the eye.

And failing, of course.

‘Aren’t most mares shorter than most stallions anyway? Why would this of all things be a point of pri— woah hey what the fuck!?’

Something had just brushed against his fucking nuts! It felt like someone’s tail, and after whipping his head around, he saw it was someone’s tail!

Fleetfoot’s.

Apparently while he was busy with Spitfire she thought it appropriate to circle around behind him and swat his nuts as she passed by.

That was disconcerting, to say the least.

What’s even worse is she did not look like someone who just got caught tickling someone else’s nuts. If anything, she looked confident; like that was the right move.

‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this.’

Abruptly, she pulled in close beside him. Not close enough to touch, but close enough to clearly violate his personal space.

“Now what’s a handsome guy like you want with somepony like that?” she asked.

It was times like this that keenly reminded Anonymous that he was still far from used to the opposite sex being the forward ones. For the briefest of moments, his eyes were probably the size of dinner plates as he hastily stumbled back.

‘Shit, I’m breaking character! Come on Anon, she may be attractive but she just touched your balls without asking! Remember that righteous anger and channel it!’

Anon physically straightened himself out and glared at Fleet as hard as he could. “I want to know why he did it!” And considering what had just happened, he had a perfect line of inquiry. Angrily pointing between the two of them, he shouted, “And I want to know what you all did to him!”

The two mares rolled their eyes—which, while not unexpected, still wasn’t really the reaction he was gunning for.

“Oh please,” Spitfire said, hawking the words out like a loogie, “like we’d need to do anything to get that old churl going.”

Anonymous just barely caught the tail end of Fleetfoot shooting Spitfire one nasty look before she turned to him. “What Spits is trying to say is, you’ve got us all wrong! We didn’t do anything to that poor stallion.”

‘This coming from the bitch who just tickled my balls? As if! Do these people think I’m fucking stupid?’

‘...Of course they do, I’m a stallion.’

‘No, no!’

He needed to remember: as far as they knew, he was a stallionist not just a stallion; there’s a difference! But even with the caricature in mind, there was more than a little genuine bitterness in Anon’s voice as he shouted back, “Don’t bullshit me! Everyone’s heard about what you did to Bench Warmer.” It was a lie, of course; he had no idea what happened to Bench Warmer. But he certainly felt like he knew enough to make an educated guess!

Spitfire apparently disagreed. “WHAT!? The only thing we “did” for that ungrateful bastard was a favor!” By the end of her statement, Spitfire the drill sergeant had come out just a little. And honestly? It was kind of terrifying. However, it wasn’t so terrifying that Anonymous wasn’t completely enraptured. The Wind Rider thing might end up being a bust, but he’d certainly be willing to settle for the inside scoop on Bench Warmer. He wasn’t that picky!

Making things even better was the visible horror on Fleetfoot’s face. “Spitfi—”

“I don’t care what Legal says, Fleet,” Spitfire swiftly cut the other mare off in her firm, drill-sergeant tone. “The facts are on our side!”

If he wasn’t worried about breaking cover, he would’ve been drooling. Anonymous was a shark, and they’d just chummed the water. This was an ongoing investigation and yet Spitfire was clearly ready to spill everything. All she needed was a little push!

“What facts?” Anon drawled in the most condescending tone he possibly could. Fleetfoot tried to put herself between the two of them, but it was all in vain. Anon knew he’d won as the fiery mare pushed past Fleet in order to angrily shove herself in his face.

“He wants to tell everypony we benched him because he’s a stallion? Horseapples! We’ve got his performance stats on record. If a mare flew like that she wouldn’t even make the bench!”

The sweet taste of victory was quickly turning to ash in Anon’s mouth. He knew he wouldn’t like the answer, but he was in too deep to stop now.

“So why keep him on the team at all?”

“Becau—”

This time, Fleetfoot took no chances and forced her entire hoof into Spitfire’s mouth. Keeping the momentum up, she shoved Spitfire out of Anon’s way and stepped in to take her place. “Because,” she continued for Spitfire, “we at the Wonderbolts realize our team is a little mare heavy! So we wanted to give that uh... promising young stallion a real chance to shine! Despite his, ahem, questionable performance record.”

Anonymous stood there in silence as his mind begrudgingly processed what he’d just heard. It took him all of two seconds to figure out the real reason why.

“So it’s because he was hot.”

Fleetfoot awkwardly scratched at the back of her neck. Refusing to look him in the eye, she only managed a weak, “Well....”

“...I won’t feed you manure and pretend like your stories will get front page billing.”

Anonymous, the freshly minted Unicorn, had finally found someone willing to hire him. Although from where he was standing, “willing” felt like a bit of a stretch.

“Or, probably second or third page billing for that matter. But! You’ll have an editorial all to yourself! Gossip, fashion, all the things you stallions like to write and read about.”

He’d been throwing himself at every employer he could think of for months, and this is where he’d ended up: sitting in front of J. Jargon Justification of the Canterlot Canteror. Not as an apprentice reporter to be trained up of course, just the gossip writer. That’s it.

He could refuse, and continue fruitlessly struggling and hoping that someone else would give him a chance, or he could accept a new position here as the token stallion. But considering how most of the businesses in Canterlot had already turned him down, it wasn’t much of a choice, really.

“And the mares will just love having you around!”

Anon choked down the grimace that tried to make its way on to his face. Considering the way they were eyeing him up as he walked in, he was sure they would. Swallowing his last bit of pride, he put on a fake smile and raised a hoof.

‘Remember, it’s a bump, not a shake!’

“Sounds great boss, when do I start?”

‘Wow.’

Anonymous had to admit, that hit a LOT closer to home than he’d been expecting. Apparently he had a lot more in common with this Bench Warmer than he’d presumed. And that revelation left him stunned. Fact is, being eye candy was likely the only reason he’d made it past those first few months with Jargon. She certainly wasn’t keeping him around for what he wrote, she didn’t even read it!

‘Probably still doesn’t.’

“That’s horrible.” Anon hadn’t even meant to say that out loud; it just slipped out. The line between him and this stallionist character had just blurred considerably.

‘Is it even still there?’

“Oh don’t be dramatic,” Spitfire scoffed. “Aren’t you types always harping on getting more stallions in the workforce?”

“Yeah, come on,” Fleetfoot said while placing a “comforting” hoof on his withers. “We were just creating a job for him! A very lucrative job at that.”

Anon physically recoiled, a magic hand shoving the mare’s hoof away. He was going all in, now! “It’s demeaning is what it is! Would you two seriously be fine being stuck doing nothing all day just so some people could stare you down!? People who only want to fuck you and nothing else?!”

Spitfire and Fleetfoot shared only the briefest of glances between each other before turning back to Anon.

“Yeah,” they said in perfect sync.

“Well...!” Whatever pathetic diatribe he was about to spew died in his throat.

‘Yeah, of course that was their response.’

They hadn’t been there; they had no idea what it’s actually like. To them, it probably sounded great! Shit, it would have sounded great to Anonymous just two years ago too! But he knew better now, and he’d bet his own nuts that he knew exactly how Bench Warmer felt. The only real difference was that Anon was ingenuitive enough, and lucky enough, to excel in spite of it all. With Bench, who knows how long he’d stay stuck there?

‘Wait, what’s this feeling in my chest? Is this empathy? For these annoying stallions? For the feminists back home?! Oh God, do I actually understand where they’re coming from!?’

Like a character in an HP Lovecraft novel, he could feel his mind buckling under the weight of the revelation. Forget the interview, he needed a moment to process this.

In Fleetfoot’s professional opinion, this was going great! If things kept along this path, there was a real good chance she and Spitfire would be gettin' laid tonight!

‘Oh yeah!’

Sure, things got a little dicey once Spits started spilling the beans about Seat Warmer. However, Fleet felt things had turned out for the best. She thought he was really gonna let her have it there for a moment, but it seemed her flawless logic had stunned him into silence! She’d never managed that with a stallionist before, and even then, they’d usually still let her hit it, too. That was no excuse to rest on her haunches though; a deal was only sealed when the key was IN the lock, and his silent ponderings were providing her with the perfect opportunity to actually plan their next move. Leaning towards the Captain, Fleetfoot beckoned for her to huddle up.

“Psssst, hey Spits!” Fleet whispered in her ear.

Spitfire spared one last bewildered look towards the stallion before leaning in towards her. “What is it?”

Fleet quickly glanced back at the stallion herself to make sure he was still stunned before she continued.

He was.

“That was great! At first I wasn’t sure what you were thinking by bringing up Seat—Ahem, Bench Warmer, but that was really inspired!”

Spitfire silently stares at her, which obviously meant she’d given Fleet permission to continue.

“I think if we keep up this good cop bad cop routine, this’ll be a done deal!” Fleet paused, wanting to give Spitfire a chance to give her own thoughts on their progress. She blinked at her owlishly instead.

“Fleetfoot, what the buck are you talking about?”

Fleet rolled her eyes; of course Spits knew what she was talking about. What, had she not been trying to get him in bed this whole time? “Hello? Getting this guy to sleep with us?”

Spitfire’s eyes went wide as she stumbled back, rapidly looking between Fleetfoot and the stallionist. And for the first time in her life, Fleet saw Spitfire balk at the suggestion.

“Wha— You think this guy’s going to sleep with us? Are you insane?!” Clearly uncaring whether or not he noticed, Spits pointed a hoof right at him. “He busts in here talking about Wind Rider and Bench... Fleet, I’m pretty sure he hates us!”

“Oh p~lease!” Fleet scoffed, dismissively waving a hoof. “That’s how every desperate stallionist acts! And that’s all it is: an act.”

Fleet could tell Spits didn’t believe her by how high her Commander’s brow was raised. In a surprisingly touching act however, she placed a hoof on Fleet’s withers. Pulling herself even closer, she began to whisper. “Be honest, has this whole thing with Bench Warmer gotten to your head? Last thing I need is my wingmare going AWOL here.”

Fleet dismissively knocked her hoof away. “I’m sorry, how many stallionists have you slept with again?” Spitfire started to answer, but Fleet cut her off when she caught the stallion coming to in the corner of her eye. Fleet knew the answer anyway: it’s zero! “Hey, there’s a can in your bag right?”

Spits looked offended that she’d even ask. “Of course!”

“Great! Keep playing rough with him, but follow my lead.”

‘Am I a bad person?’

‘No, no, I’m just psyching myself out. I’m too in my own head is all. Just gotta—oh shit I’m WAY too into my own head, there’s still a damn interview going on!’

The adrenaline rush that came with that realization helpfully brought Anonymous right back into the moment; he could have a crisis of beliefs later! Thankfully his “subjects” seemed less than begrieved by the sudden lapse of conversation. In fact, Fleetfoot looked positively ecstatic!

Anon did not like that.

“Say, you don’t mind if Spits and I do a few stretches while we talk, do you? It’s always best to limber up after a hard workout.” After Fleet’s remarks, Anon was, admittedly, very tempted to end the interview right then and there. But, objectively speaking, this plan had been a complete success for him.

Mental anguish notwithstanding, of course.

In a surprisingly brief time, Anon had been given more than enough information that he could easily turn the Bench Warmer scandal on its head. If he pushed just a little bit further, he was sure he could find something useful about Wind Rider.

‘Forget quitting while I’m ahead, this is my chance!’

Hopping back into the moment, he tried to avoid thinking about how his honest answer and the stallionist character’s answer were one and the same. “If you insist.”

Fleetfoot grinned and immediately made for the nearest bench, but Anon noticed Spitfire hanging back. For the briefest of moments, he could see her worriedly looking between himself and Fleetfoot, before silently following the other mare’s lead. ‘Hm, that’s unexpected.’ It made him wonder if something had happened while he was distracted.

Putting that thought aside, Anon followed behind them without resistance. It didn’t take them long to pick out a spot, and before he knew what was happening, they’d started posing. He was expecting them to try something, but so far it seemed like they were actually doing regular old post-workout stretches. They’d even zipped their flight suits back up to the neck!

It might be too much to hope they’d give up on sexually harassing him, though.

Fleetfoot, stretching out her back legs like a cat, started things off for him. “So you wanted to know more about Wind Rider, right? What he was like?”

Now Anon was really suspicious. This was too easy. “As a matter of fact, I would.”

“Ha! No you don’t,” Spitfire barked as she pulled a forehoof behind her head. “The dude was a massive dick.”

Fleetfoot spread her wings wide as she responded, “I wouldn’t say it like that but the Captain is right. It may sound silly, but he was a straight up misogynist.”

‘Ha! Now that’s a word I haven’t heard in a long time.’

“Pffft, really?” Once again the persona reflected Anon’s honest thoughts.

Fleetfoot leaned back, and for the first time, he noticed just how insanely tight the suits were. He’d always thought that Silken had taken a few liberties with her Wonderbolts recreations, but now he wasn’t so sure.

“Surely you heard what he did,” the blue mare continued, “if he’d gotten away with it, that would have been the end of Cadet Dash’s career! Just because he didn’t want her name to replace his.”

”It’s not like he was subtle about it either,” said Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts, picking up where Fleetfoot left off. She was still completely unsure about this featherbrained scheme that Fleet had cooked up, but she was right: Spitfire had never managed to bag a stallionist before. He’d also stuck around, against all odds, so maybe she was on to something after all. Bending in a way that was sure to show off her back legs, Spitfire continued. “Sure he could act the part in public, but get one cider in him and the bitter old stallion would jump right out. I nearly had to escort him off base at our reunion three years ago after he threatened to go up on stage.”

Spitfire noticed as Fleetfoot looked over to her. “I always thought you did escort him out.”

‘Ha! Of course that’d be the version Fleet remembers, she was trashed.’

Heck, she was the reason he threatened to go up on stage to begin with.

“Nah,” Spitfire answered, “Nimbus talked him down and he left. Thank Celestia.”

The green stallion “hms” from behind her. Twisting around to look at him, it seemed like he wasn’t paying attention to their bodies at all. Which is what she’d assumed from the moment he scoffed at her tuft. Most stallions would have been tripping over themselves for a view like that, and he just popped an eyebrow.

‘Maybe Fleet’s flown the coop after all.’

“Nimbus who? I didn’t see her on the program,” he continued.

Fleet jumped in, eager to try to steer the conversation. “Nimble Nimbus, she’s out with an injury right now.” What she didn’t mention is that it was possibly a career ending one. Not that it was particularly bad, but because Nimbus had turned twenty-nine last year. Most mares have already retired by then, and that’s without having injuries that put them out for most of the season!

“He was such an ornery guy,” Fleet said. “Nimble was the only mare he tolerated and he still barely liked her.”

Spitfire kept her mouth shut for the moment, completely unsure where Fleet was going with this. Thankfully, she seemed like she was actually going somewhere. “That’s what happens to stallions that grow old alone I suppose. They get all gray and bitter.”

She quickly shot Spitfire a wink, and she realized that’s the signal. Reaching a hoof under the bench, she grabbed for her gym bag...

To be honest, Anonymous hadn’t been paying attention to most of what Fleetfoot was saying. The moment she’d given him a name, he’d tuned her out.

‘Nimble Nimbus.’

It sounded like she was the pony he should talk to if he actually wanted to get anything useful about Wind Rider. And that was more than reason enough for Anon to finally leave; he’d gotten everything he came for.

‘I’ll just excuse myself and—’

Anon was startled out of his thoughts by a sudden, sharp hiss. Quickly checking around, he couldn’t quite pinpoint where it came from. It almost sounded like it came from them, but he didn’t see any sort of can on them.

‘Oh shit, Fleetfoot’s still talking.’

“It would be such a shame for a sweet guy like you to end up like that too, wouldn’t it?”

Before Anon could figure out what she was talking about, Fleet and Spitefire did what Anon was assuming they’d been planning to do since he walked over there. Stretching out like cats, they leaned their front halves down, while allowing their backsides to jut out. And holy shit he’d thought their suits were tight before! He could practically see the entirety of their—

‘Wait, what’s that smell? It almost smells like... OH JESUS CHRIST!’

Fleetfoot could barely contain her excitement as the anticipation built.

And built.

Aaaaand built.

“Hrrk”

‘Dang it, I’d like to get at least one wolf whistle in my life!’

At least that reaction was new, she supposed. It sounded like somepony holding in a cough, but that’d be a wildly abnormal reaction, to say the least! Losing to her own curiosity, Fleet peeked around over her shoulder.

The stallion had pressed himself up against the wall as he clearly tried to hold back a cough, and his eyes seemed wide and... afraid?

‘Oh Tartarus, was I coming on too strong after all?’

Wait, no, those were tears forming at the corners of his eyes, and she’d certainly never made a stallion cry by being too forward. Something else was up…

Suddenly the dam broke, and all at once he descended in a raucous coughing fit. A fit that was growing worse by the second.

Spitfire had noticed too, and had completely abandoned her pose. “Hey, are you alright?”

The only response she got was the cough growing even worse, and the occasional gag.

Suddenly, it all made sense.

Sprinting over to Spitfire’s gym bag, Fleet began tearing it apart looking for the can.

‘Come on, where did she put it!?’

Giving up the search, Fleet shouted, “What color was that!?”

Spits seemed fairly preoccupied with scanning the room for a first aid kit, but she managed an answer right as the stallion’s gagging reached a crescendo. “Green?”

Fleet knew it was not the right time, but she felt her temper boil over nonetheless. “GREEN AXEL BODYSPRAY!? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU—”

“HurUUUUUAAAAAGHAGHUUUUUUH”

Fleetfoot never even saw the vomit coming.

Chapter 62

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Meanwhile, across town…

The anticipation was going to kill Astral Blade. This would be the first time she saw Pike since last night, and her mind was alight with questions. That went for most of the unit too, she reckoned. Everypony was just awkwardly shuffling around, waiting for their Sergeant to step in and hoof out assignments. Astral imagined they had the same questions as she did, although no pony was voicing them. They weren’t a bunch of gossiping cocks after all; idle speculation wouldn’t get them anywhere. However, there was one topic Astral would’ve been more than happy to speculate on...

“Hey, Astral, have you seen Cloak anywhere?”

‘Speak of Tirek.’

There was Night Sky, there to start the exact line of conversation Astral had been hoping to. Lowering her voice so the other mares couldn’t hear, Astral answered with a conspirorial, “No, and I’m starting to think she played hooky today.”

Night rolled her eyes. “A Nightstalker? Playing hooky? Don’t be absurd.”

Astral slyly elbowed her. “Well, if she’s not out cowering in fear of her impending court-martialing, where is she?”

‘Night rolled her eyes AGAIN! This must be a new personal record for me!’

“We can’t court-martial her for that! Inappropriate as it was, she didn’t break any laws.” Astral groaned, but Night put a hoof on her withers to stop her. “However, that hardly means we lack the means for official recourse. Regardless we should wait for Sergeant—”

The sound of the doors being pushed open instantly made the room fall silent. All eyes were on the entrance as in trotted Stable Sepulchre, sergeant of the day. With bated breath, everypony waited for who should be following behind her...

...only for nopony to be there at all, the doors falling shut behind Sepulchre. Astral and Night shared a silent look, concern growing between the both of them.

Sepulchre did nothing to address this, of course. “Troops!” she unnecessarily shouted over the room. “There’s been a change of plans for today. Your updated assignments are posted on the door behind me. Any questions you have, report them to me. Understood?”

“Ma’am. Yes, ma’am!” Astral echoed back with the room.

“Excellent. Dismissed!”

Only then did Astral let herself take a step back in shock.

‘New postings? Pike was supposed to run drills today! Did she change the schedule?’

‘No way, she hates it when ponies make changes at the last minute.’

‘But then again, who else would?’

Night, clearly eager for answers too, made a beeline towards Sepulchre. Her determined canter cut through the crowd like butter, leaving Astral the perfect path to follow behind.

As she moved among the gathered mares, Astral could already hear some of them expressing quiet concern about this abnormal turn of events. She was right there with them. Before, she hadn’t been particularly worried about Pike. Now however...

Astral’s mind flashed back to Pike’s panic stricken face from the night before.

Astral had never seen her like that, not even when the last Sergeant bucked up and left the two of them stranded in the middle of the Everfree Forest. Up until now, Astral had pegged it on Pike just being drunk off her flanks, but the sinking feeling in her gut said that may have just been wishful thinking.

Sepulchre spotted their approach. “Ah. Corporal, Specialist, just the two mares I’d wanted to speak to.” The coat on the back of Astral’s neck stood straight up.

‘I do NOT like this. Not one bit.’

Night spoke up before Astral had even thought up a reply. “Stable, what’s going on here?”

Having worked with Sepulchre for many years, Astral knew she was not the kind of mare who looked away when delivering bad news. Instead, she had a very peculiar way of making intense eye contact. Eye contact she was now making with Night.

“We should talk outside.”

Nocturnal Pike couldn’t believe herself. She’d just done something she’d hated. Something she’d sworn she’d never do. Something that ruined months upon months of perfect planning! She’d changed the guard schedule: the MORNING OF! Pike would have KILLED Sepulchre, or even Blueblood, for doing that. Yet the blame for this blunder solely rested on herself, and for the fact she was hiding away in her office.

“Like a coward,” her Mother’s voice echoed inside Pike’s head.

For the first time in a long time, she had no retort for that inner voice.

‘She’s right: I am a coward.’ She’d spent all morning dodging Anon’s questions only to start dodging her responsibilities the moment she’d set hoof in the castle.

‘Is this going to be my life from now on? Running from place to place, never interacting with anypony lest you be forced to confront your issues?’

Of course not, she couldn’t live like that. Nopony can!

The obvious and only real solution was staring her right in the face. It’s time to come clean. If Nocturnal Pike looked back on every single value she was raised on, every value she’d tried to exemplify for her whole life, she could see there was only one conclusion.

‘I am no mare.’

And just like that, a great weight fell upon her. A pathetic mewl escaped Pike’s lips as the implications of her admission hit her at mach speed.

‘Luna defend me. If this is how an internal admission feels, how will it feel to admit this to Anon? To Cut? To Astral? To mom!?’

The thought of every new confrontation physically beats her down, bending Pike’s posture until her head rests in her hooves. But there’s no other way to square it: even now, at this very moment, her conclusion was being actively validated. Mares are meant to be stoic; unshakable. And there she was, fraught with anxiety and on the verge of tears.

“You’re pathetic,” her mom’s voice rang in her ears.

What’s worse was even Pike’s happy thoughts were turning against her. Trying to stave off despair, she desperately grabbed at any happier time she could reach for. But all her mind’s eye could find are images of Anon doting on her. Sitting in the tub as he treated her to a spa day. Blushing as he told her how cute she looked in one of Silken’s outfits… Pike could feel herself desperately wanting to take comfort in these things. Remembering how they made her feel so warm, so loved.

That just made it all so much worse.

‘Stars, what is WRONG with me?’

Dimly Pike realized she’d long since started spiraling, and her training swiftly kicked in.

‘Deep breaths, focus on your breathing and on anything else.’

Pike’s eyes darted around the office, looking for something to center herself on. Some idea, some memory, anything. And there was plenty to focus on: her office was filled with trinkets and awards from her time in the guard. Medals she’d won, framed commendations her unit had gotten, her diploma… Countless things to remind Pike of her storied and successful career. But even those memories weren’t safe. After only a brief respite, her mother’s voice boomed in her head once more. “A career only possible thanks to what I taught you!”

“You led by embodying those principles! Your mares excelled because you passed those values onto them!” Pike wanted to shout, to scream at her to shut up, but years of discipline won out and she kept the outburst down. Which ended up working in her favor, as a brief moment of clarity reminded her of something important:

She wasn’t actually arguing with her mom.

This was all in Pike’s head: some weird personification of her anxieties, not an actual pony. So what good would it do her to tell “mom” to shut up? Pike was the one asking the questions, here. And the question is: how can a brudder like her, practically a colt with teats, lead this unit?

*Knock knock*

It was only when Pike tasted blood that she realized she’d sunk her fangs into her bottom lip. Any relief she’d felt in the face of something concrete to focus on was washed away by a new wave of anxiety.

“Nocturnal, are you still in there?”

Pike had figured out who would be on the other side of that door long before they spoke. It was Sepulchre, undoubtedly keen to find out why she’d uncharacteristically upended the day. It would be so easy just to pretend she wasn’t there or to send her away…

‘But taking the easy route is what got me into this mess, isn’t it?’

‘Alright Pike, poker face. You were NOT in the middle of having a crisis, no ma’am.’

“Come in!”

Only just remembering the poke in her lip, Pike managed to wipe the blood away with a hoof right as the mare outside the door walked in. As usual, her face was fairly impassive, although Pike caught that the very edges of her mouth were ever so slightly downturned.

An expression of concern, she supposed.

Sepulchre was usually one to get right down to business, so Pike elected to sit quietly and let her start. She took longer than Pike would’ve liked, spending a few silent moments sizing her up from the other side of the desk.

The longer she waited, the more Pike’s anxieties threatened to flare up once more. Forcing her to dump ever more of her mental faculties into keeping her face straight.

‘Do not show a SINGLE sign of weakness.’

Which left Pike so hyper focused that she didn’t even notice the blood continuing to run from her lip until it reached her chin.

‘Too late to do anything about it now. Maybe if I just ignore it she won’t notice?’

‘Oh, who am I kidding?’

The mare’s eyes were already tracing Pike’s face, widening slightly as they settled upon her self-inflicted puncture wound. Which is what finally motivated her to speak. “Nocturnal I—” she cut herself off, clearing her throat and straightening her posture before continuing. “My subordinates have relayed to me some troubling rumors.”

Like the cork off a campaign bottle, Pike felt her anxiety explode.

‘Oh Luna, did word somehow get out already? Did somepony see the apron and spill the beans!?’

“And I must ask: is everything alright at home?”

Just as the fear threatened to spill over, something let her pump the brakes. Sepulchre’s question seemed to imply the problem was Pike’s relationship with Anon, not herself.

“What do you mean?”

For the first time Pike had ever seen, Stable Sepulchre looked nervous. “I’ll be blunt. Your coltfriend, Anonymous? Has he been... abusing you?”

It seemed that today’s emotional roller coaster was far from over. Pike really shouldn’t have been surprised, considering the way he covered for her last night, but the sincerity of the question still caught her off guard. Maybe it was the absurdity of the idea, or maybe she was just overly desperate for some levity, but in either case, Pike found herself laughing out loud.

Which of course did nothing to soothe the visibly perturbed Sepulchre, but Pike really couldn’t have cared less. “Nocturnal, this is serious.”

Pike made no attempt to even acknowledge her question, losing herself to the deep belly laugh. The very idea of Anon abusing her had Pike crying with laughter. He didn’t have an abusive bone in his body! He practically had a panic attack worrying about hurting her and Cut’s feelings, and HE’S the “abusive” one!? What a riot!

“Nocturnal!” Sepulchre came with a hair’s breadth of shouting.

Realizing she was coming dangerously close to actually pissing the mare off, Pike finally tried to get a hold of herself. “Ha! Ahhh, sorry Sepulchre it’s just... Anon’s not the problem here.”

She didn’t look like she believed Pike, which, she supposed, would be a good thing if he was abusing her. “Are you certain? I’ve heard some pretty dire things.”

Pike let out a breath that it felt like she’d been holding for ages. That laugh really gave her a second wind: she felt like she could focus again. Focus on something that wasn’t her own anxieties, anyway. “I’m sure, Stable. It’s on me, and my mom.”

Pike looked away from her for a moment, focusing instead on a framed picture of herself and her mother. It was the day Pike had graduated from officer’s school. The photo was just of the two of them, Pike dressed in her shiny new armor… She was so excited she’d wanted to jump for joy, but she knew Mom wanted her to stay stoic. To not outwardly show her emotions, like a true mare. You wouldn’t know it from the photo, but she’d said she’d never been prouder of her that day.

“I just... need some time to figure things out is all.”

When Pike turned back towards Sepulchre, she saw the mare’s face had returned to its natural, neutral position. “I see. I suppose if this is going to continue to impact the quality of your work, you intend to make use of your excess of your vacation days then?”

Pike’s breath caught in her throat. “My what?”

“You have the better part of two months after all,” she continues. “Especially after you covered for me when my filly was born.”

Pike suddenly found herself feeling like an absurdly massive moron.

‘How did I forget about those!?’

‘Oh who are you trying to fool, you know exactly how you forgot about those. You’re such a workaholic you haven’t taken a non-crown-mandated holiday in YEARS!’

A half-formed idea shot right to the surface of her mind, and Pike was desperate enough that she acted on it without a second thought. “Yes!” she exclaimed, trying not to sound like she was pulling this out of her flank. “As a matter of fact I’d like to take off from now until after Hearthswarming. Now as in, right now.”

Sepulchre looked genuinely taken aback. “Oh! Well, normally I’d insist we discuss coverages and run this by the staff sergeant first. But frankly, I foresee no issues with your schedules or your unit. I suppose you can head home and I’ll pass this on to Horseshoe.” She took one more worried glance at Pike’s bloodied lip. “Personal emergency and all that.”

Even now Pike could feel that malformed idea coming together into a “plan”, and that alone was enough to let her breathe a true sigh of relief. Some ponies might consider this running away from her problems here, but sometimes a tactical retreat is the best option.

“Thank you, Stable.”

And with that, Pike took wing.

Nocturnal Pike stood in front of the door to her apartment, trying to think of what she was going to say. It took awhile to get here, both literally and figuratively, she supposed. Literally, in this case, because she’d taken the long way home.

She’d undeniably needed it.

While Thestrals normally didn’t agree with the winter air, Pike found it did wonders to help her clear her head. And the raw distance itself gave her plenty of time to think. To chew on that half-formed idea of what to do with her sudden vacation until it became a real plan of attack.

And therein lay the figurative aspect. Because no matter how she saw this going, Pike knew there was only one way she could start. She needed to actually open up and talk to Anon and Cut about this. By trying to work this out on her own, all Pike had been doing was depriving herself of every support network she had. Which is what led to the waking nightmare she’d had in her office today. A mare may not be supposed to open up like this, but it’s what needed to be done. So with a deep breath, Pike placed her hoof on the knob and opened the door.

There was nopony in the main room, but she immediately noticed Anon’s discarded saddlebags lying by the couch. Which was very odd: he usually didn’t just toss them in a corner like that. What’s even stranger was that Anon rarely got home before Cut, but Pike didn’t see hide nor hair of her either. If they were in the bedroom Pike would at least hear something but—

‘Hold on, I DO hear something.’

“Oh God. It’s so much worse than it was in Junior High. How is it worse?” It was the muffled sound of Anon’s voice, which sounded like it was coming from the bathroom. And it sounded like he was in distress!

Pike picked up the pace, tearing her way through her humble home until she rounded the corner into the bathroom. There she found quite possibly the most miserable looking stallion she’d ever seen. “Sweet Luna, what happened!?”

He was seated in the tub, soaked from head to hoof in bathwater. Her assessment of his voice was clearly accurate. Even as the soothing sounds of brush on fur filled the room, Anon was shivering with revulsion. Furthermore, as he weakly looked toward her, Pike recognized the burdened expression of a pony who’d recently tossed their oats.

Seeing her come in, his pallid face lit up just a little, and he weakly reached toward her. “Pike... Pike come here...” his voice sounded as pathetic as he looked.

As he stretched out, a familiar tan face peeked out from behind him. “Oh, hey Pike! Uh, welcome home?”

Still hoping for some answers, and seeing as Anon was clearly a little out of it, Pike made for Cut’s side of the tub. In contrast to how lazy the motion seemed earlier, Anon’s hoof tracked her the whole way with laser accuracy. As Pike neared Cut, she made the mistake of coming within range, and that’s when he struck! Anon’s sopping wet hoof went right into Pike’s mane to start petting her head. She was a little annoyed by having the bath brought to her, but she let him have his moment. It’s not like it felt bad, mane full of bathwater notwithstanding.

Having closed the distance, Cut leaned down to whisper to her. “The medics didn’t give me many specifics, but apparently he had a BAD reaction to some bodyspray.” Cut’s eyes shifted between him and Pike. “He uh, doesn’t like talking about it. He threw up. A lot.”

‘Ah, that explains it.’

It’s like an inverse version of when Pike used her tuft to calm him down. But instead of leaving him smiley and giddy, he’s been left pallid and queasy. And more importantly, in no condition to have the serious conversation she’d wanted. Normally Pike would’ve been over the moon at that, the universe giving you an excuse to put off things once more. This time though? It sucked.

Moving his hoof off her head, Pike wiped the bathwater off her face. Letting out a sigh, she replied, “Ah, I see. I’ll go get some tea going. I know we’ve got something that should settle our little diva’s stomach.”

Pike heard Cut chuckle as she turned away, before making for the door. Pike figured that’d be the end of it. Until she realized her hooves weren’t touching the ground.

“Oh NO you don’t!” Anon, seemingly having found his second wind, magically lifted her into the air. Before she could even reflexively EEEE, he was dragging her into the tub with him.

“ANON!” she shouted. But it was too late: she’d splashed down. If she was wet before, she was absolutely soaked now. She couldn’t even properly thrash, because just as quickly, she found herself imprisoned by large, fuzzy green bars that locked her in a bear hug. Pike blushed more than a little as those bars pressed her against his underside with all his strength.

‘Guess he doesn’t want me to go.’

When he spoke, his voice wasn’t nearly as weak as it was before. Although, that could’ve been because when she was below him like this, she could feel his voice as much as hear it. “You’re not going anywhere! Me and Cut let you off the hook this morning, but not this time! You’re going to tell us what’s been bothering you, or I’m keeping you here all night.” To emphasize his point, he squeezed her just a little bit.

It was a symbolic gesture really: she knew she could get out of his grip if she wanted to. In fact, a part of her really did want to, in revenge for such blatant marehandling. But... even soaking wet, she couldn’t deny how nice it felt. Huddled under him like this, she felt so safe. Paradoxically, despite being the source of her troubles, she felt like all the world’s problems were a million miles away.

‘Guess this is a sign Pike, it’s now or never.’

“Okay... okay.”

So Pike told them everything. All the way from the very beginning, from that first night when Anonymous spooned her. Every fear, every second guess, she laid it all bare for the two of them. Much to her shame, she’d even started sobbing halfway through. Anon and Cut said there was nothing wrong with that of course, but Pike knew better. Sobbing like a filly into her coltfriend’s foreleg? Completely embarrassing, no matter what they say.

Despite that, by the end she felt great. Like a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It all felt so clear now; she should have done this ages ago.

They were all still in the tub of course, the water having turned lukewarm some thirty minutes ago. But not once did anypony make a move to leave; Anon and Cut stayed with her the whole time. Cut even came around to the other side of her, to put Pike in a “hug sandwich” as she awkwardly called it. And that hug sandwich is where she’d stayed.

“God, Pike, I’m so sorry. How did I... why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Pike looked up and give him what passed for a deadpan look with her swollen puffy eyes. “Uh, right. Dumb question, you went over that already.” The schadenfreude of watching him trip over his own thoughts put a little smile on Pike’s face.

Cut of course was fairing no better. “Thank you for telling us. I-I,” she paused, wiping a small tear of her own out of her eye. “I don’t think I could have if I were you. I don’t think I’d be strong enough.”

‘This? Strong?’

Pike had to disagree with Cut there, but she appreciated the gesture. Before she could say anything though, Anon pressed himself into her even harder. “I can’t believe I’ve been putting you through this the whole time and I didn’t know. God I’m so, so sorry.”

‘Oh no, I know where this is going!’

That last thing Pike was going to stand for right now was her coltfriend beating himself up over this, no ma’am! “Anon, don’t.” the finality in her voice cuts him off. “These months have been the best I’ve had in years. You made me happy.” Reaching up a hoof, she ran it along his face. “So don’t you DARE do that thing where you work yourself into a tizzy over my feelings. It’s MY turn to be a little bastard this time, you hear me?”

At first he didn’t say anything, and she started to worry her little joke might have been too ill timed. But then a chuckle out of him, followed by a “snrrk” from Cut is all it took before the three of them broke out into familiar laughter.

With the mood finally lifted, Anon stated the obvious. “Guess we should get out of the tub, huh?”

The two of them finally let Pike go, and while she’d miss their embrace, they were right. It was time to get their flanks out of this water.

“Yeeeeah,” said Cut. Pike let the two of them go first, not wanting to get lost in a tangle of limbs. Anon was out first, and he of course started shaking himself off like a dog. Cut herself was only halfway out when she turned back to Pike. “So what are we going to do about your unit? And... well...”

“My sister,” is the part she couldn’t bring herself to say.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Pike answered. “I’ve decided to step away from the unit for the time being, give myself some time to think.”

“Step away?” Anon asked with a hint of concern. “How so?”

The thestral nervously rubbed the back of her head. “I just took some vacation days! I only had... two months...”

Anon and Cut guffawed at her embarrassed expression. “Yeah, I bet you do, you little workaholic,” he laughed. “What are you even going to do with yourself until Hearthswarming?”

That was a very good question. One she really hadn’t given much thought to. “I don’t know. Try all the things I’ve wanted to do since I was a filly I guess?” Pike dug through her brain to find an example. “Paint maybe?”

Anon snorted through his nose. “Sorry honey, but I don’t see you as the painting type.”

“Hey! You don’t know that!” Cut fired back. “Maybe she’s got a hidden talent for it.”

Finally feeling it was time to climb out of the tub herself, Pike took wing. Heading right for Anon, she made several quick turns above his head. This, as she’d found, dried her off very effectively!

...and dumps all the water onto whoever was below her.

“Wha— hey!”

‘Aha! Revenge for being marehandled and dragged into the tub!’

With a smile on her face, Pike landed right next to the once again sopping wet Anon. “And I call this masterpiece: Soaked Stallion!”

Cut giggled into her hoof while the stallion grumbled, his previous queasiness all but forgotten. “Har har har,” he said. “Laugh while you can: tonight it’s my turn to cook!”

Chapter 63

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Anonymous the Unicorn stirred in his slumber. After the day he’d had yesterday, he felt like he could’ve slept for a week. Nevertheless, Celestia always brought up that damn sun of hers, so there he was, waking up once again. Gently moving one big old hoof around the covers, Anon played out an unusual morning ritual that had worked its way into his repertoire. Eventually he bumped it into someone, and a quick ruffle of her fur confirmed that it was Cut. Then a thought occurred to him: was it weird that he was able to tell Pike and Cut apart by how fuzzy they are?

‘Hmmm.’

Trying to avoid the harsh reality of the answer to that question, Anon continued idly running his hoof through Cut’s fur. He didn’t know what the mare’s been doing, but it’s been a lot softer recently! Cut clearly appreciated the attention, cooing softly in her sleep and scooting up against him. Heh, if Pike was his huggable living teddy bear, Cut was his squeezable living pillow.

And speaking of his living teddy bear... she didn’t seem to be around. Or at least he couldn’t feel her. Which was odd; it was a rarity for Pike not to either be on top of or under him in some way, seeing as her bat brain seldom had her waking up before he did. He’d often wondered how she doesn’t find those positions uncomfortable, but then again, Anonymous had never found them uncomfortable either.

Some weird pony thing, he supposed.

‘Almost as weird as my damn hyperactive nose!’

Said nose was currently smelling... breakfast. Lots and LOTS of breakfast. It was the most intense breakfast he’d ever smelled!

Anon’s eyes snapped open in perfect sync with Cut’s, and she looked at him with a question in her eyes. “Do you...?”

He nodded back. Now that he was focusing on it, it smelled like someone had cooked an entire breakfast buffet in their own damn house! Still shaking off the dregs of sleep, he and Cut languidly flopped off of Pike’s shortened bed and trotted out of the bedroom—only to find that the kitchen counters had, in actuality, been filled to the brim with plates of breakfast food.

Anon wasn’t sure what else he’d expected.

“EEEEeeeeeEEEEeeee...”

The stallion’s head whipped toward the defeated sound, where he found Pike, lying face up on the ground, and looking utterly deflated.

“...eeeeeee...”

Without hesitation, he rushed to her side. Lifting the small bat in his hooves, Anon cried out, “PIKE! Speak to me!”

Blearily, her eyes rolled over to focus on him. “...Eeeee — oh, hey you two. I,” she paused, as she interrupted herself with a wide yawn. “I didn’t hear you get up.”

Anon took a tired look around the room, once again taking in the breadth of the meal set before them. “I mean, not that I don’t appreciate a surprise breakfast. But what is all this?”

Unsteadily, she extracted herself from his hooves, still blinking the exhaustion out of her eyes. “Oh, this? I woke up a little earlier than usual so I figured I’d... you know, put something together!”

“A little earlier?” Cut marveled under her breath. “This must have taken hours...”

Anon could tell that Cut was right. Based on the state of Pike and the sheer amount of food, it seemed like “a little earlier” was a serious understatement.

‘But why? Pike hates getting up early. Even years of guard training never managed to get that out of her!’

There was definitely something more going on here. Heck, it left her so out of it that Pike hadn’t even noticed that Cut said anything, and she had the best hearing of them all!

“Then when I was done, I realized I still had some time and didn’t know what to do and—” Pike interrupted herself with another fanged yawn.

‘Alright, enough is enough, I say.’

“Well,” Anon stepped in, “let’s get you back in bed and then we can worry about eating.”

Pike looked aghast. “What? No! Eat now while it’s still warm!” Knowing she was far too weak to fight back, Anon asserted himself as the man of the house and threw her over his shoulder. “Nooooo! Anoooooon!” she feebly cried.

“No buts! Back to bed!”

The small bat struggled the whole way back of course, but compared to what Anon knew she was capable of, this was nothing. Heck, by the time he’d even gotten back to the bed, even that seemed like it was too much for her, as she instead resigned herself to quietly mumbling about being “marehandled” under her breath and nothing more.

But, Anon was taking no chances. Very gently, he levitated her over and acted quick as a flash! Before she could even hope to wriggle free, he had her wrapped in a blanket cocoon of impenetrable might. Which, in her current state, meant she’s now stuck on the bed no matter what she did.

“Nooo! I’m not a moth, I’m a baaaaaaaaat...” she sleepily cried. But not even a moment later, those melted away to the soft sounds of a snoozing Pike.

Anon let out a relieved sigh and turned around just in time to catch Cut walking in with three plates carefully balanced on her back.

‘Aaaah, she was going to serve everyone some breakfast in bed, that genius!’

She knew she was a genius too: Anon could see the wisps of a satisfied smile on her face. At least, until she focused too much on balancing the plates and tripped over her own hooves.

“WoooOOOAAAHH!”

For a moment, it almost looked like she was going to salvage it. She leaned into the stumble, hard. So hard that she actually managed to keep the plates from immediately flying off her back. Unfortunately, it was also so hard there was no way for her to recover. The lean rapidly turned into a fall, pulling her hooves right out from under her. But just when the plates started to leave her back...

Anon reached out.

Being a unicorn, which he’d summarily decided must be the most OP of the tribes, Anonymous was unconstrained by things like distance or numbers. He didn’t have to throw himself off the bed and rush over to Cut to catch her; he just did. Before even a crumb could hit the ground, Cut and all three plates were perfectly caught in his hands like he was Spiderman.

It took Cut a second to open her eyes, having clenched them shut in anticipation for her reunion with the floor. When she did, she silently sent him a grateful smile. Which he had to say went fantastically with her embarrassed blush.

Seeing as he was already on a roll today, Anon decided to hoist Cut into the bed directly for some of that breakfast in bed. She was heavier than Pike, obviously, but with a few extra hands...

‘Wait, would that actually help? It’s all going back to my horn anyway, would distributing the weight further actually result in less strain if it requires me to project more hands to do so? What’s the baseline thaumic strain per hand to weight lifting ratio?’

‘...I’m going to kill this line of thought before I lose my focus and drop her.’

Nocturnal Pike had just had one weird dream. She’d woken up really early in it, but despite that, she was unusually ready and raring to go! So ready to work in fact, that she’d decided to capitalize on those feelings of domesticity and surprise her herd with some breakfast! Breakfast that she’d then made, only to realize there were still a good couple of hours before they’d wake up. Which left her with nothing to do but make something else!

And something else. And something else...

‘Why does the entire house smell like breakfast food?’

“W-Well I’m not exactly the most well-versed in magical theory. But if I had to guess, the weight distribution seems like it would offset the cost of maintaining the hands up to a certain point.”

“Ah but I want to know what that point is! Although, it would probably vary by weight. Hmmm damn.”

‘Great. First thing in the morning and my herd’s already being NERDS.’

‘Better put a stop to that!’

Pike attempted to stretch her hooves, only to realize that she couldn’t move them at all. It felt like she was wrapped in something, and wrapped tight. Snapping her eyes open, she found herself bound to the bed, wrapped in a blanket cocoon that seemed suspiciously familiar.

‘Oh no.’

“Anon.”

He paused mid-bite of some even more suspiciously familiar breakfast food. “Oh you’re up!”

“I didn’t turn everything in the ice box into a gigantic breakfast, did I?” she flatly asked.

He shared a sheepish look with Cut. “Well, not everything.”

‘Oh no! It was real! It was all real!’

‘Awwwww what was I THINKING!? Is everypony supposed to eat breakfast leftovers for the next week?!’

Internally, she was beside herself. It had just been so... fun! It was fun to try out all those new recipes, knowing that Anon and Cut would eventually dig into them. All without even the slightest fear of reprimand. Besides, it’s not like she’d had anything else to do in what counted as the wee hours of the morning for her.

“This quiche is really good, Pike!” Cut said between mouthfuls. “I didn’t even know we had pastry dough!”

Pike let out a sigh, still a little disappointed in herself for getting so lost in the moment. But... she supposed it wasn’t all bad. Massive waste of food or not, neither of them seemed particularly upset about it. If anything it seemed like they loved it! Pike spied a plate that was left out for her, but an attempt to reach for it just served to remind her that she was still functionally imprisoned there. Sure, she could probably fight her way out of it, but where was the fun in that?

“Are you two going to unwrap me?” Pike nodded her head toward the food they’d left. “Or is this one of those restaurants where the waiter hoof feeds you?”

Anon’s eyebrow shot up in that adorable way it did whenever she said something that offended his human stallion sensibilities. ”Wha— no. You are messing with me.” He turned towards Cut, concern creeping into his voice. “That’s not real.”

Focusing as hard as Pike could, she prayed that Cut would pick up on her mental cues. It was times like this that Pike wished Cut was a bat. There were few things better than talking at frequencies that other tribes couldn’t hear right in front of them.

Cut blushed. “Well, uh I don’t know anything about that—”

‘NOOOOO!’

“—but Aunt Jargon made me go to a restaurant where we ate off of a stallion once. It was uh... not great.”

‘Huh, that was a very convincing delivery by Cut.’
‘...Too convincing.’

Anon rolled his eyes. “Okay, now I KNOW you two are full of it.”

“It’s true!” she cried, “she wanted to celebrate some award the paper got, so she dragged me along!” Cut crossed her forehooves like she was incensed, but she seemed more sad than anything. “I don’t even LIKE sushi. And the stallion was really weird about it, too.”

Pike didn’t want to admit it, but she was starting to believe this really wasn’t a joke. Cut’s humor rarely leaned toward absurdism, and this seemed way too out there to even be funny!

Anon still clearly didn’t believe her. “And what, was he naked? Oh ew, was there hair in the sushi!?”

A shameful blush colored Cut’s face, and she completely refused to look either of them in the eyes.

‘Okay, either her acting’s gotten way more convincing, or she’s not joking.’

Whispering, Cut replied, “Full tack.”

Pike’s heart stopped.

Anon, his weak Unicorn hearing not tipping him off, asked, “Sorry, what?”

This time, Cut managed to get her voice above a whisper. “H-He was in full tack.”

‘Uhhhhh WHAT!?’

There was not a doubt in Pike’s mind that Cut was not joking; that reaction was too real.

‘The heck was Jargon thinking!? Cut STILL has trouble keeping it together when things get lewd, and that’s with her coltfriend! In what world could Jargon think putting her in that situation would be a good idea? They were all lucky the poor mare didn’t have a stress-induced heart attack!’

The reality of the situation was rapidly dawning on Anon too. Now with far less mirth, he asked, “What, like that horse riding stuff you two wanted me to buy at Silken’s?”

Cut only barely managed a nod, before locking eyes with her hooves and started to idly tap them together: a tell that Pike instantly recognized as something Cut did whenever she was embarrassed.

Anon, who clearly also believed her now, was flabbergasted. “Why on Earth did Jargon do that?”

Cut flinched ever so slightly, and grimaced at the memory. “S-Something about it being easier to talk to stallions after I’d seen one dressed up. I don’t remember.”

‘Stars damn it, that is EXACTLY how that idiot would justify it.’

An angry screech started to build in the back of Pike’s throat, but she forced it down, and added that to the long list of reasons she hoped Jargon put her into a self-defense situation one day.

Anon was obviously equally unenthused. While he shook his head in disapproval, his mind was no doubt already slinging expletives never before heard by ponykind. “Unbelievable,” he muttered. “There’s something wrong with you ponies.”

‘WHAT!?’
’Hey wait a minute!’
’Who’s Anon think he is, trying to act holier than thou and lay this on the equine race?’

Pike had heard his stories about humans, and she was not going to take such SLANDER lying down!

Deciding that it was decisively not fun to keep waiting, she fought valiantly against the blankets constricting her. And thanks to some choice applications of her finest anti-grappling techniques, she eventually loosened the knot. Then, with naught but a flex of her marely mare muscles, Pike was freed! Anon was so busy smiling at her fight that he couldn’t even hope to prepare himself for Pike’s accusatory boop. It of course landed true, and he let out an adorable, “wooah!”

“Don’t you start, mister! I’d bet my fangs that humans have the same thing — no, something even weirder!” He shook it off, and Pike noted he was getting better at recovering from those.

“Nuh uh! I NEVER heard about something like that happening back home! What would even be the point? Beat off while you eat?” Anon stopped dead at that, as a look of true horror bloomed on his face — one that mirrored Pike’s own. It seemed that the same horrible revelation occurred to her at the same moment it did to him. Slowly, and fearfully, the two of them turned back to Cut. Anon’s voice was uncharacteristically unsteady as he asked, “Jargon didn’t... y-you know... did she?”

Cut blinked, her eyes lacking comprehension. “Did she what?”

Pike and Anon shared another uneasy look. Neither of them wanted to say it, lest they breathe the horrifying possibility into existence. So Pike settled for making a certain hoof motion that every mare knew.

This time, Cut’s eyes lit up. “Oh. Oh! EWWW! NO! What is wrong with the two of you!?”

Anon raised his hooves defensively. “Hey, hey, you’ve gotta admit Cut: your family’s let you see some pretty weird stuff.”

Like the wind was sucked right out from beneath her metaphorical wings, Cut’s righteous indignation evaporated. “W-Well I guess I see what you mean. But she wouldn’t do that!” Pike and Anon double-teamed her with a flat look, but surprisingly, she stood her ground. “She wouldn’t.”

Anon chuckled. “Yeah, well I don’t believe you. And that’s just another reason why you and I are going to play hooky today!”

Pike froze, utterly surprised. It wasn’t abnormal for Anon to skip work, but Cut too? Besides, she’d fully expected to spend the day alone at home to test out being a housewife. “Since when?”

“Since you were out cold. We discussed it and seeing as someone decided to blow through nearly every bit of foodstuff we had at our apartment, I figured the three of us could take a trip to the market. Spend some time together.” That certainly didn’t sound like a bad idea! Although, Pike felt there was something “off” about it. Something she couldn’t quite put her hoof on.

‘Ah well, it probably doesn’t matter.’

Cut chose then to butt in. “A-And while that still sounds like a good idea, I can’t just not show up to work! I’m the chief editor!”

‘Hmm, she seems oddly reserved about the idea of not skipping work.’

Cut’s work ethic was nothing to sneeze at, and Pike would’ve thought she’d have an easier time standing her ground on an issue like that, especially compared to defending that creep Jargon.

‘Is there something going on here?’

Anon rolled his eyes, “And I said don’t worry about it! Just blame it on “whimsical” old me.”

“But—”

“It’ll be fine. Just tell Jargon I insisted we spend the day giving you exposure therapy to my balls or something.”

The room fell silent; only the sound of Cut’s dropped fork hitting the plate rang out. Pike knew that Cut was thinking what she was thinking. “Or, now hear me out, instead of going to the market we could actually—”

“Oh hush.”

But unbeknownst to all of them, a grim warning lay in wait just outside their door. A warning Anon himself had written and would subsequently ignore. On the calendar, in big bold red letters was the message: “STALLIONS’ BARGAIN DAY AT THE MARKET: DO NOT GO SHOPPING”.