in which a pony and a yak orchestrate a mental health scam
"You know I figured out why they call it the frozen north," the weary earth pony said as he took his seat at a local bar on the outskirts of the crystal empire, just between here and yakyakistan.
"Whys that," the bartender asks, pretending to listen, as it had been five years going that this same pony had told that same line literally every day since he was brought to his job as a meteorologist for the greater mountainous regions just along the borders of Equestria.
"Cause I keep freezing my BALLS off!!!" the earth pony exclaimed in an exaggerated voice.
Now, this part of Equestria has heavily dense in snow, and no matter the day, no matter what time it was, the same thing. He would get up, have his frozen morning coffee. Try to bundle up the best he could, climb an excruciatingly long tower, one that perhaps shouldn't even be in that area because of the snowstorms.
But, this tower was once a guard tower used by king Sombra himself, it activated a magic invisibility shield among hundreds of others, but today, most of them were destroyed by the weather. But not this one.
Every day, when he risked his own life climbing a ridiculously large tower, to observe cloud density, and how cold it would be, which was the same, unbearable, unending coldness.
Whenever he climbed the towers he thought to himself "how come the fire of friendship exists, yet we still have below-freezing temperatures?"
The bartender rolled his eyes at his predictable comment and said "look, sir. You've been telling the same dumb joke for the past 5 years ever since you came to this town, if you really hate your job, why don't you leave"
"I can't" the stallion replied "these jobs have been appointed by H.M cadence and shining armor themselves. They make these decisions based on who is most capable, and I just so happen to get my cutie mark while climbing monkey bars, its a blessing and a curse really"
From the other side of the bar, a great yak appeared before them, not just any yak, this was prince rutherford, ruler of the yaks. He spoke to the earth pony "yak think yak can help pony dilemma"
The bartender bowed to the prince, as he was in yak territory, and the customs were a bit different, the bartender took out a small piece of wood, and smashed it for his prince. Then saluting him with his splinted hooves.
"Great salute, pony drink server" prince rutherford complimented with the usual yak straightforwardness. "So, weather pony" he continued "what is the matter?"
"Well, your highness" the pony began "I've been working as a weather pony on the border between your land and mine for the past five years, and I hate it! Every day I have to get up before celestias sun, to climb up dangerously high scaffolding, just to sample the clouds and determine it's feezing yet again, sometimes, I wonder if the windigos are preparing a comeback"
The yak put his hoof on his chin to consider, he sat there thinking for a few moments and then said "why not pony ask for transfer?"
The pony nodded his head and said "it doesn't work that way, they don't just let you transfer unless you are physically or mentally unfit to fulfill your job. If I ever wanted to get outta here, id have to be a complete wacko." hearing this, a thought occurred to the yak.
"Why not pony pretend to be wacko?" the stallion was shocked at the suggestion, and yet curious "I'm listening"
The yak continued "it simple, yak write letter saying pony fell down tower, hit head on rock, and is unwell, pony pretend to be mentally ill, and so pony get transfer"
The earth pony was absolutely intrigued by this revelation, he could finally escape his death-defying mundane snow job into perhaps, something like a meteorologist for sunny mt. aris! Where the weather's always nice and the girls are knockouts.
"You know this is gonna sound crazy, but I'm in!!!" the earth pony shouted "thank you, your highness, you've given me a new lease of life" he then said with complete gratitude.
"Awww, pony no mention it" the prince shook it off.
The plan was simple enough, first, prince rutherford says he witnessed the earth pony fall from the scaffolding and bumped his head, and may not be mentally capable of this job anymore
"TO PINK PRINCESS WHO LIVE IN CRYSTALS, YOU WEATHER PONY IS NOT WELL, FELL OFF TOWER AND BUMPED NOBLE HEAD. NOW SEEING DOUBLE. YAK ADVISES YOU GIVE HIM TRANSFER. OR WE COME AND SMASH!!!!, WARMEST REGARDS, PRINCE RUTHERFORD"
Shining armor was sent out to his little shed in which the pony had lived for the past 5 years. Fighting against face freezing snow, with nothing but a scarf and special visors. Inside the yak and pony were preparing for the scheme, the earth pony expressing concerns "are you sure this is gonna work? I mean, I'm not exactly the best actor here"
Prince rutherford laughed off the concern and said proudly "yak sure of victory, yak best at pulling jokes, yak also best at playing long con" the earth pony, still unnerved by the trick they were gonna pull, replied "ok if you say so"
"YAK KNOW SO!!!"
With that, the yak went out to greet shining armor, while the stallion put on a hat made out of bananas, a safari hat, and a mask covering most of his face like he was in equatorial zebrica. He carried a big fan and flapped it on himself. Exclaiming loudly "OH THE SUN, THE HEAT, BLAZING DAY AFTER DAY, it's UNBEARABLE!!" shining armor could hear from the entrance as the yak came over to greet him "welcome, shining armor to weather base" shining armor extended his hood to shake his "welcome, prince rutherford, I responded to your letter saying the weather pony in our employ was severely injured"
"Oh yes," prince rutherford responded "fell off tower, hit pony head, and now is loopy as rare yakyakistani twig bird" "yes, well, according to crystal empire law, we are required to go in and check whether this claim you had made is true" shining armor explained
The yak replied "fair enough, come see poor weather pony" shining armor walked in, seeing the weather pony, in a wheelchair, appearing completely demented, still waving his fan rapidly like a true mad pony. Shining armor closed the door behind him "ooooh, it's freezing out there" shining then turned to the "nut case" in question "greetings sir" he begins "ah, your royal highness sir" the pony saluted "welcome to the northernmost point of Equestria" shining armor was falling for the trick pretty easily (i mean come on this was the guy who nearly married an insect).
"Prince rutherford tells me you are not well, and according to crystal empire law, we are required to do a mental capacity test to those who suffer such an injury" shining armor added "I am sorry to hear about your fall"
"Oh, think nothing of it, your kingship" the pony replied "tis but a scratch" he took off his hat to bow, revealing a strange beet juice covering his head, (native to yakyakistan BTW) wihc looked surprisingly like blood as if he didn't even get a metal plate and stitchings.
"My goodness," the blue-haired stallion replied, "that's no scratch," he thought to himself.
"Well, even though your injury is gruesome, I am still required to give you a mental test"
"Fire away," said the eager pony as he pulled out a flare gun and fired it directly into his roof, shining armor already questioning his insanity from the moment he walked in.
"Oh, how I miss talking to someone who uses such well-rounded vowels as you, sir, I thought id go insane" he ended the sentence with an "EEK" just like a monkey, unnerving shining slightly.
"Ok, first, I'm going to need you to walk in a straight line"
"Okey-dopey-okey," the pony said, in reference to pinkie"
The pony staggered about in his hut, clumsily moving his hooves like he was trying to do the waltz drunk by himself, the pony in the middle of this show, asked "would the princess care to dance" the pony crashed into a bookcase, falling onto his flank after shining armor helped the trickster back up. The weather pony asked, "oh how thoughtless, of me, ill put a kettle on for tea, a bit strong I'm afraid, no water
He ignored that last brain cramp and said "ok, next test, eye coordination" he pulled out a couple of flashcards from his saddlebag "look at these cards and tell me what you see" the first picture was one of a duck.
The weather pony replied "flank"
Shining armor, puzzled, showed the next flashcard, of a dog
"Flank" the pony repeated
With that, shining revealed the final card, one of "twily" and her 6 friends, "and who are these seven"
The pony then repeating again "flank,flank,flank,flank,flank,flank,flank" the pony then laughed like a drunk at a new years eve party.
"Say, hows little flurry heart doing, the little tyke," the pony asked
"Oh, she is doing fine, of course, when your baby is an alicorn, every day is a challenge, i dread to think of the day we potty train her" shining armor shuddered at the thought
But now back to his other "shuddering" thought, the weather pony's apparent insanity, with that he asked him a few questions,
"What are the six elements of harmony"
"Apple, butterfly, diamond, cloud, cake, pretty pony"
"Who is the princess of friendship"
"Yo mamma!"
"How long was Sombras reign"
"Last Thursday"
"Who attacked during the last invasion of Equestria"
"Flurry heart"
"When was the crystal empire rediscovered"
"Uhhhhh............ Yo mamma!!!"
It was clear to shining that either this man was severely brain-damaged, or just plain retarded, there were a couple of other tests to do, but he decided he had all the proof he needed
"LOOK OUT MAN!!!!" the pony suddenly yelled, tackling shining as he waved a machete at the air "damn windigos! coming in here trying to enter into my orifices!!" the pony added just to seal the deal. shining armor "well, first of all, Mr. I think it would best if you went to bed" shining exhausted from the craziness he was being subjected to.
"Well, bed first, and who knows what might happen" the pony then cackled like a banshee. Seeming to lose his grip own sanity wich each "HA". "Look" shining armor said "if there's anything i can do to help you at this time..." then saying under his breath "like performing a homicide spell on you"
The pony, confident in his sham of a mental condition, asked "permission to marry one of the local's sir!." shining armor considered how a woman could nurse him back to health, and sanity. "Marry, why yes! Go ahead, I think it's an excellent idea. A woman at your place, just the thing you need to help you in this trying time"
"Names Amanda, sir" he then brought out from the other room, on a leash, an actual sheep, which prince rutherford had managed to steal from the local petting zoo. "We met during happy hour at the mobile library"
The sheep was seen shivering from the cold, with fake eyelashes and lipstick on, as if this concept was not weird enough for shining already. "Meet Amanda, sir"
"A sheep!?" shining was deadly concerned for the pony now as if everything else wasn't a tip-off, he tried to reason with the clearly broken stallion "isn't he a radiant stunner, Mr armor," the weather pony asked.
Shining sarcastically quipped "well, I'm no expert but I think she is more your butcher shop type" he then asked a question that he was afraid to ask "however did you two get together in the first place"
"Well, she's got this wonderful personality, and I've got this long sequin hook on the end" the pony replied, freaking the already freaked shining out even more so. The sheep started to crawl up the ponys leg as if to suggest the act of lovemaking. "Oh stop it, Amanda, there's a good girl" the pony flirting with the lamb.
"Well, what do you think," the pony asked with a twinkle in his eye "well, I fully understand how lonely you must get out in this area, sir. But have you seriously considered the consequences of such a union"
"You mean I'd be the laughingstock of the equestrian government"
"No, not while chancellor neighsay is still in office" shining bluntly replied
"What I meant is the difficulties you would encounter, the whispering, the stares, the pointing of hooves, I mean, we already have a bad reputation with some of our allies without this."
The pony defended his marriage idea "shes a sheep, sir, not one of the sirens"
Shining armor, looking at this poor man, having enough of this tomfoolery, decided it would best to transfer the seemingly ill man "look sir, will you excuse us for a moment Amanda" the sheep obliged and went to the other room. "Im going to help you" shining armor continued "I am going to use my influence to get you another posting, your clearly not mentally, or physically fit for climbing the tower anymore. perhaps mt aris, we need somepony to be secretary to the ambassador, make tea, make necklaces, that sort of thing."
The pony ready to finalize his mental minstrel pony show refusing "oh no sir,pleeeeeeease!!! I don't want another posting! I love living on the border! I want to go down with my sheeeeeep!!!!"
Shining simply brushed this off saying "believe me, sir, it's for the best that I transfer you" with that, the prince headed for the door, but before he left, said to the fake looney "so long, nice to have met you Amanda" with that he opened the door to the frozen wasteland and walked out the door. All the while the deranged pony begging him to keep his posting.
With the slamming of the door, the stallion took off his safari clothing, and let out a big "YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" price rutherford returned into view of the pony "yak take it pony fell for it hook line sinker?" "yak guessed right" the pony going over to hug the big yak, rutherford laughed and hugged back, which wasn't good news to his spine
"Urk.. Think you're.. Crushing mee...." prince rutherford letting go of the spoken pony "sorry, sometimes yak not know own strength" "it's ok, prince" the former weather pony responded "what matters is I don't have to climb the tower anymore! Oh, transfer at last!"
He then turned to "Amanda" and said "and thank you, for playing such a convincing housewife, captain Bradbury" he then pulled a badge from a cabinet and placed it on the sheep's chest "...or should I say, major Bradbury!"
With the bleating of the sheep, the yak just looked on puzzled, wondering if the pony did in fact, hit his head.